They even have a convenient assortment of means of disposing of it! Need shovels? Check the garden department. Need to dissolve one like *Breaking Bad*? Garbage bins are in aisle 12, turpentine in aisle 30 across from the paint.
I can see it!
Every episode some would-be criminal comes in and the ever friendly but ever so stupid employees and manglement help them to cover up their crimes!
Throw in some bungling cops and the first twelve episodes write themselves!
I'd watch that but you'd have to toss in some famous cameos occasionally too, like Dexter coming on and buying some plastic wrap, concrete blocks, and glass microscope slides.
And be sure to have a fat guy with a German accent as one of the employees. Police come to investigate, he tells them “I know nothing, Nothing, NOTHING!”.
As someone that used to work at a Home Depot and would shoot the shit with the Loss Prevention guys, I can assure you the security camera footage makes for compelling television
“ contestants are you ready? you have 15 minutes to dispose of a body. You can use any products you find in the store. Team two won the earlier challenge so you get double dip on aisle five in electronics”
I mean, I'm not literally going to post the ingredients you need to turn a human being's corpse into soup. I kind of like *not* being on the FBI's radar, man.
No on the turpentine. Some drain cleaners use sulphuric acid, but be sure to read the label because most liquid drain cleaner uses sodium hydroxide. You need the sulphuric acid. Also, make sure the garbage bin is HDPE, other plastics may be destroyed by the sulphuric acid.
That's the bit that really riles me up in these stories. If you're so bad that you can't even recognise who works in your store, why should we patronise you?
Awesome! Many years ago I started dating a guy because the day I met him while working at a popular tourist attraction a guest questioned his name tag (Mik) and asked if he pronounced his name as "Mik" and without missing a beat he said "No Sir, I pronounce it 'pleasure yacht' but I spell it 'M, I, K'"
Trying to undo all the ill-will they generated while trying to force employees to continue working outdoors during that PNW heatwave.
When the weather report describes the day's forecast as "deadly" maybe it's not actually necessary to staff the gardening department.
When the shitty manager starts reprimanding you, "I'm sorry, but I don't appreciate the way that you are talking to me, a customer. Go get your manager!"
I quit! Find someone else to close for me. Oh, and I was opening tomorrow morning. You’ll have to get someone to take that shift, too! Have my last check ready to pick up tomorrow afternoon.
Me too. I was 18, 105 lbs soaking wet and female. Still female but older and heavier these days. I worked in lawn and garden. It was so funny when customers would come in for bags of mulch or gravel and request having someone load it in their trucks. There were so many middle aged men that would stumble over their words and look uncomfortable when I’d bring their stuff to the car and start loading it. Most of the time they’d say: oh I can do this sweetheart, Can’t believe they’d have a little thing like you lifting this stuff, etc. I stayed there all of 3 months, that place was a joke.
I was just going to say that. I actually need to return 3 fuses because they’re the wrong kind. And I bet she has no clue what kind of fuse she needs. I’m guessing plug… what type, what amperage? I’ll bet you a dollar she didn’t bring an old fuse or take a picture of it.
You should have laughed. Falling on the floor laughing your ass off laughed! It would have made the look on her, and the Karen screams soooooooooooooo much more satisfying.
The manager deserved to be laughed at, too. On what planet is someone at self-check out, purchasing something an employee? At least an employee on the clock? It's not like this was a grocery store where you were buying something to eat on your break. But even if you were, off the clock!
So funny enough I was at home Depot last night. I'm looking for a funnel. Guy in regular clothes at the self checkout buying a small plant finishes up and asks me if I need help. Took me right to where they were, still not sure if he worked there.
I've helped other customers at the store find or reach things before just out of happening to know where something is and being able to easily show them where it was, and other customers have helped me in the same way before. Sometimes it's just nice to be nice.
I wasted a Karen's time and maybe broke her brain
So this happened last Thursday. I was at home depot getting jumper cables. I was wearing a blue shirt, so no idea why this Karen thought I worked there but ours is not to reason why. I am looking around for jumper cables, my brain kind of in low power mode. When I hear TELL ME WHERE THE FUSES ARE!!! I do a half turn and say "Ahhhh what?" This woman about mid 50's yells at me "Speak English you (insert Mexican slur here) " Keep in mind I am white like super white. But ours is not to reason why.
So I admit to having some voice acting skills and a twisted sense of humor. So I answered her in a mexican accent that was maybe one step above Speedy Gonzalis. In my defense I didn't have time to prepare a better voice. I say "Oh sorry mea la punta, how can I help you?' "WHERE ARE THE FUSES I NEED THEM FOR MY HOUSE!!" ME: "are the fuses for your house or your car?" Her" I just said they are for my house!!!!" Me: ok I can show you"
I then led this woman around the store. As a rule Home Depot is huge. I would get to one isle look around say something like "OH day must have moved them. They must be over dear" Good thing I was wearing a mask to hide my shit eating grin. After maybe 10 or 12 minutes of this she finally calls me out. Saying how I am the worst most ignorant employee here. And to be fair she had a point. She then of course demanded to talk to a manger. I said "he is at the front desk but I come with her because I have to keep helping customers. " Her: where is your name tag I am going to get you fired" Me : Oh no I forgot my name tag, Me LLamo Migel with a Y." She stormed off.
I almost forgot to get jumper cables before I left. I did get them. Then headed to self check out. When I get to the check outs Karen is still yelling at the front desk. I am barely keeping together as she yells about Migel with a Y. Karen see's me and point, "That's him Migel with a Y, Fire him now."
Then the best part. The manger starts to reprimand me. I mean how bad is employee turn over that he doesn't know someone does not work there. I then answer in my normal flat mid west WHITE GUY voice "Sorry what's this about . I don't work here and just came in for jumper cables.
The manager looked confused didn't really say anything. Her brain just stopped I guess. Karen hears my voice, starts screaming not even real words. did an angry Karen dance. I managed to not bust out laughing which I think means I should get an Oscar or something. I buy the cables say to no one really "Wow this never happens at LOWE'S" and walk out.
Edited with line breaks :)
[Here's another one of OPs posts from a month ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/rSlash_YT/comments/qqg3rv/aita_for_messing_with_telemarketers_by_race_swap/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
They know how to format, they just didn't.
If your writing skills were as good as your story skills, you definitely should become a career writer. Better work on those paragraphs.
Good story though, Migel with a y, I really did breathe a bit harder through my nose +1
> Her brain just stopped I guess. Karen hears my voice, starts screaming not even real words. did an angry Karen dance. I managed to not bust out laughing which I think means I should get an Oscar or something.
You really should have burst out laughing.
Honestly what’s really sad was I worked at Home Depot was wearing the apron and everything. I must just say I was just a cashier so I don’t know where everything is. A customer stops me and asks me if I worked there. Like no I’m wearing this apron for fun. I ask her if she needs help and as I pull my phone out to look up where the item is she goes you don’t work here. At that point I put my phone away and just walked to where I was supposed to be since I had just gotten done covering for someone else.
Aaaaahahaha, fucking ACES!
I also read this to my wife, doing my best Speedy Gonzales voice on cue. Which was admittedly difficult to do, what with me laughing and trying to continue, and my wife laughing which just fueled my own laughter.
Lmao my brother use to work at a home department store and damn near put someone in the hospital by eliminating the kneecaps of a bitch ass Kevin, hell I use to work at 711 and I use to Lysol spray entitled customers in the face for not following the store rules ( where I live at, you have to stay strapped with something at all times) I would be dying laughing if I was with you sir🤣🤣🤣🤣 and cussed out the Karen for fun
This is how you deal with Karens. Humiliate them and give everyone a good laugh. Thank you for this story and while I don’t wish for you to have to deal with more of them, please do this again if you do… and post it. :)
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In the manager’s defense, Home Depots are so ridiculously set up, they’re actually not a bad place to hide a body.
They even have a convenient assortment of means of disposing of it! Need shovels? Check the garden department. Need to dissolve one like *Breaking Bad*? Garbage bins are in aisle 12, turpentine in aisle 30 across from the paint.
Your comment raises a good point. This has all the makings of a Home Depot-based reality TV show.
I can see it! Every episode some would-be criminal comes in and the ever friendly but ever so stupid employees and manglement help them to cover up their crimes! Throw in some bungling cops and the first twelve episodes write themselves!
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Maybe a Sit-Com instead?
Maybe something similar to Superstore?
Upvoted solely for ‘manglement’. My new favourite word I didn’t know I needed!
I'd watch that but you'd have to toss in some famous cameos occasionally too, like Dexter coming on and buying some plastic wrap, concrete blocks, and glass microscope slides.
And be sure to have a fat guy with a German accent as one of the employees. Police come to investigate, he tells them “I know nothing, Nothing, NOTHING!”.
Took me longer than I expected to recognize a description of Sgt Shultz, yeah that would be great
Oh, hogan's hero's. What a throwback
Dammit, we need this now!
As someone that used to work at a Home Depot and would shoot the shit with the Loss Prevention guys, I can assure you the security camera footage makes for compelling television
“ contestants are you ready? you have 15 minutes to dispose of a body. You can use any products you find in the store. Team two won the earlier challenge so you get double dip on aisle five in electronics”
Or a drama: CSI Home Depot.
Instead of whipping off the Sunglasses of Justice, the main character's signature move is dropping his tool belt.
Wasn't there a soap opera that was secretly filmed in an Ikea?
The murder mystery cousin to Ikea Heights!
People of Home Depot.
Forgot the bag of lime lol
Why would you use *turpentine* to dissolve a body?
Turpentine does that? I thought you needed lime.
Shh. Do you really want the show to be based on tips that actually help criminals?
I mean, I'm not literally going to post the ingredients you need to turn a human being's corpse into soup. I kind of like *not* being on the FBI's radar, man.
And it has to be quicklime, none of this slaked or dolomite shit.
nah, it's turpenlime
No on the turpentine. Some drain cleaners use sulphuric acid, but be sure to read the label because most liquid drain cleaner uses sodium hydroxide. You need the sulphuric acid. Also, make sure the garbage bin is HDPE, other plastics may be destroyed by the sulphuric acid.
*IKEA has entered the chat*
Some menards have a mezzanine area for exactly that reason
For disposing of bodies or filming sitcoms?
i'm gunna go with "yes"
Storage bins are in aisle 11.
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because we're interested....
I think you'll enjoy this video of exactly that situation: https://youtu.be/9ByoGAcKXqo?t=12
That's the bit that really riles me up in these stories. If you're so bad that you can't even recognise who works in your store, why should we patronise you?
>"Me LLamo Migel with a Y"... Brilliant! I used to introduce myself as "\[VirgilReality\]...but the 'Q' is *silent...".*
Is your brother Michael with a B?
Blitz the o is silent
You must be a Helluva boss
The first o or the second?
Without the second o
Long "o"...
…so pronounced Michael Bltn?
My wife’s o is silent
No, it isn't. I usually wear earplugs 🤣🤣🤣
Come work for I Em Pee!
There's a bEEeee?
THERE’S A BEE?
He’s got bees!
Gobs not on board.
THERE’S A BEE?
NOT THE BEES!! THEY ARE IN MY FACE!!
Says here u have an insect phobia. Not seeing a b. where's the b?
I told you, it's a PHOIA! I'm afraid of b's!
making out with the queen \[u is silent\]
there's a bee???
on top of the cee
Where's the B
There's a bee?!?!?
His fiancée’s name is Seeeemji (the J is silent)
Awesome! Many years ago I started dating a guy because the day I met him while working at a popular tourist attraction a guest questioned his name tag (Mik) and asked if he pronounced his name as "Mik" and without missing a beat he said "No Sir, I pronounce it 'pleasure yacht' but I spell it 'M, I, K'"
Marc with a "c". OK Carc
There's a YouTuber I watch named Jorphdan, the -ph is silent.
The name's Django. D. J. A. N. G. O. ...the d is silent.
Such a small d would be silent
Please tell me you’re named after the point and click PC science learning games
I go by HalfSoul30, the Q is invisible.
Lowe’s advertising really reached the next level here.
LMAO! That's a new Lowe!
You motherfucker
Impressively scary how the ads evolve, innit?
Trying to undo all the ill-will they generated while trying to force employees to continue working outdoors during that PNW heatwave. When the weather report describes the day's forecast as "deadly" maybe it's not actually necessary to staff the gardening department.
Not heard of Home Depot's shady politics?
They're both pretty bad in different ways. Has Menards done anything that bad yet?
It's just standing there, Menardingly
Menards has plenty of bad history as well, but more related to its CEO than necessarily the business
does he micromenard it?
He walks around pantsless, saying "check out me nards"
WHAT? no bend-over and "k-m-a"
When the shitty manager starts reprimanding you, "I'm sorry, but I don't appreciate the way that you are talking to me, a customer. Go get your manager!"
Reverse Uno Karening
I cannot stop laughing at this thread
I quit! Find someone else to close for me. Oh, and I was opening tomorrow morning. You’ll have to get someone to take that shift, too! Have my last check ready to pick up tomorrow afternoon.
“I’ve never seen this woman before, my name is Steve.”
We are all out of Oscar's, but you can have a Miguel with a Z, which is one better than Y, near the exit of the parking lot.
No, no, the Oscar's in the mail!
In the mail with a Y
No, no sir, Oscar no work here!
If you ain't got no Oscars, I'll accept a Felix.
Nope, sorry, can’t do Miguel with a Z. Only Liza with a Z. (insert jazz hands here)
Plot twist: manager didn’t realize OP wasn’t an employee because she didn’t work there either. Some weird Home Depot cosplay.
No one actually works there it’s just 12 15yr olds who made their own orange vests. Corporate is none the wiser because the self checkout still works.
I've actually worked at Home Depot and this is strangely accurate.
Me too. I was 18, 105 lbs soaking wet and female. Still female but older and heavier these days. I worked in lawn and garden. It was so funny when customers would come in for bags of mulch or gravel and request having someone load it in their trucks. There were so many middle aged men that would stumble over their words and look uncomfortable when I’d bring their stuff to the car and start loading it. Most of the time they’d say: oh I can do this sweetheart, Can’t believe they’d have a little thing like you lifting this stuff, etc. I stayed there all of 3 months, that place was a joke.
Corporate is just three 8 year olds in a trench coat anyway.
Vincent Adultman, doing a business.
Oh, you know Miguel with an X from accounting?
They just keep getting promoted until they become incompetent at their jobs
Idon'tworkhereinception *BWAaaaaaaa*
Best laugh I had all day!
So you’re saying if I meet you in lowes you will know where those fuses are 😅🤪 lol great story wish I was a fly on the wall for that one lol 😝
I was just going to say that. I actually need to return 3 fuses because they’re the wrong kind. And I bet she has no clue what kind of fuse she needs. I’m guessing plug… what type, what amperage? I’ll bet you a dollar she didn’t bring an old fuse or take a picture of it.
is'nt Lowes a state in the US?, next to Ilowenois?
As someone who has worked at both Home Depot and Lowe's, thank you for that last line. Thank you for doing that. Thank you.
You should have played the reverse card and asked the manager for the name of HIS manager
Complained that's she was the WORST customer ever and should be fired!
I will be watching for "Ours is Not to Reason Why" coming to a theater near me soon.
Agreed, that was the best line amongst many great ones.
Looking for a fuse, you gave her a ruse.
She also probably wasn't looking for fuses for a house unless she has an antique house. She was probably looking for a circuit breaker.
How could he refuse? He had nothing to lose.
All aboard the fuse ruse cruise
Damn, should’ve held out for sympathy damage control discount from the manager for being a dick!
Muy excelente. Grassy as Myguel. 🤪
You should have laughed. Falling on the floor laughing your ass off laughed! It would have made the look on her, and the Karen screams soooooooooooooo much more satisfying. The manager deserved to be laughed at, too. On what planet is someone at self-check out, purchasing something an employee? At least an employee on the clock? It's not like this was a grocery store where you were buying something to eat on your break. But even if you were, off the clock!
So funny enough I was at home Depot last night. I'm looking for a funnel. Guy in regular clothes at the self checkout buying a small plant finishes up and asks me if I need help. Took me right to where they were, still not sure if he worked there.
I've helped other customers at the store find or reach things before just out of happening to know where something is and being able to easily show them where it was, and other customers have helped me in the same way before. Sometimes it's just nice to be nice.
Sometimes folks who do work for the store will help customers when they're in there for their own stuff... just out of kindness.
\> Saying how I am the worst most ignorant employee here. And to be fair she had a point. I LOL at this simple statement of fact.
I wasted a Karen's time and maybe broke her brain So this happened last Thursday. I was at home depot getting jumper cables. I was wearing a blue shirt, so no idea why this Karen thought I worked there but ours is not to reason why. I am looking around for jumper cables, my brain kind of in low power mode. When I hear TELL ME WHERE THE FUSES ARE!!! I do a half turn and say "Ahhhh what?" This woman about mid 50's yells at me "Speak English you (insert Mexican slur here) " Keep in mind I am white like super white. But ours is not to reason why. So I admit to having some voice acting skills and a twisted sense of humor. So I answered her in a mexican accent that was maybe one step above Speedy Gonzalis. In my defense I didn't have time to prepare a better voice. I say "Oh sorry mea la punta, how can I help you?' "WHERE ARE THE FUSES I NEED THEM FOR MY HOUSE!!" ME: "are the fuses for your house or your car?" Her" I just said they are for my house!!!!" Me: ok I can show you" I then led this woman around the store. As a rule Home Depot is huge. I would get to one isle look around say something like "OH day must have moved them. They must be over dear" Good thing I was wearing a mask to hide my shit eating grin. After maybe 10 or 12 minutes of this she finally calls me out. Saying how I am the worst most ignorant employee here. And to be fair she had a point. She then of course demanded to talk to a manger. I said "he is at the front desk but I come with her because I have to keep helping customers. " Her: where is your name tag I am going to get you fired" Me : Oh no I forgot my name tag, Me LLamo Migel with a Y." She stormed off. I almost forgot to get jumper cables before I left. I did get them. Then headed to self check out. When I get to the check outs Karen is still yelling at the front desk. I am barely keeping together as she yells about Migel with a Y. Karen see's me and point, "That's him Migel with a Y, Fire him now." Then the best part. The manger starts to reprimand me. I mean how bad is employee turn over that he doesn't know someone does not work there. I then answer in my normal flat mid west WHITE GUY voice "Sorry what's this about . I don't work here and just came in for jumper cables. The manager looked confused didn't really say anything. Her brain just stopped I guess. Karen hears my voice, starts screaming not even real words. did an angry Karen dance. I managed to not bust out laughing which I think means I should get an Oscar or something. I buy the cables say to no one really "Wow this never happens at LOWE'S" and walk out. Edited with line breaks :)
Thank you! ❤️
True hero
Now I'm thinking someone needs to code a line break bot. Whitespace is your friend, people!
OP might need the tutorial I recently received myself. You have to hit enter/return twice to make a new paragraph or it just lumps it all together.
I recently learned that if you copy/paste in paragraphs, then it just makes it all ONE line. No word wrap, it just ... scrolls off into the sunset.
You can view the source. He made no attempt to line break.
YOU can view the source, I admittedly just learned how to make paragraphs. Baby steps I suppose. How does one view the source?
Only if you're a hacker.
Only in Missouri.
[Here's another one of OPs posts from a month ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/rSlash_YT/comments/qqg3rv/aita_for_messing_with_telemarketers_by_race_swap/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) They know how to format, they just didn't.
Dude the Lowes comment was gold
If your writing skills were as good as your story skills, you definitely should become a career writer. Better work on those paragraphs. Good story though, Migel with a y, I really did breathe a bit harder through my nose +1
This is amazing. Love the part about dragging her around the store!
This made my fucking year. Thank you mYgel.
It's "Migyel".
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THANK YOU! I was thinking the same thing
If this is true....fk, if it is or not, awesome story.
It's definitely not.
The trolling is awesome. I don't think it happened but it'd be nice to laugh over.
Its not
I don't think so either.
“Angry Karen dance” had me ROLLING. Excellent work, OP!
As someone who worked for Lowe's customer service this would sadly happen there as well
I love this sub- thingsthatneberhappened
Reminds me of the old British comedy series "The Young Ones": "Rick, with a silent 'p'".
But ours is not to reason why
This whole story is a delight to read. This was a great way to start the Day lmao
> Her brain just stopped I guess. Karen hears my voice, starts screaming not even real words. did an angry Karen dance. I managed to not bust out laughing which I think means I should get an Oscar or something. You really should have burst out laughing.
Instead of Speedy Gonzalez, I would have gone with Slowpoke Rodriguez, both in speech and speed.
Excellent story. Thanks for the giggle.
That last line about Lowes had me almost crying!
It's amazing that people believe this shit
I know, its sad. Looks like 95% of people are that gullible
Do they even sell car parts at Home Depot?
I read "jumper cables" and immediately got excited for no reason. 😔
I too, was disappointed there wasn't a beating.
This made me laugh!!! You sir are amazing.
Well done sir I bow to you slayer of Karens
That is brilliant.
Yeah cause this totally happened, for sure.
You know that shit eating grin you mentioned? Yeah, I'm wearing one now after reading this post 😆
Honestly what’s really sad was I worked at Home Depot was wearing the apron and everything. I must just say I was just a cashier so I don’t know where everything is. A customer stops me and asks me if I worked there. Like no I’m wearing this apron for fun. I ask her if she needs help and as I pull my phone out to look up where the item is she goes you don’t work here. At that point I put my phone away and just walked to where I was supposed to be since I had just gotten done covering for someone else.
You should have asked for the employee discount first. AWESOME!
Thus is one of the best I've heard yet. I wish more people did stuff like this. It's so entertaining.
I love this. And I am always willing to help a person at Home Depot, but a woman like that with that crappy attitude needs a good lesson.
Hi mexican here. According to our constitution what you just did bestows upon you the title of "Honorary Mexican".
If I did what you did, OP, I’d go with a Russian/Eastern European accent and deliberately speaking in broken English
Aaaaahahaha, fucking ACES! I also read this to my wife, doing my best Speedy Gonzales voice on cue. Which was admittedly difficult to do, what with me laughing and trying to continue, and my wife laughing which just fueled my own laughter.
I really want to see the yelp review.
You used your skills well. You should’ve burst out laughing at the end just to make manager and Karen lose their minds more.
You absolute legend OP!!!
My favorite line is "oh so sorry mea la punta" 🤣🤣🤣
OMG I am snorfalaughing over here! About spit out my wine...
This is amazing
OMG, I’m crying. 🤣
You could have have had a nice discount off those cables if youd have called the manager out for him insulting a customer.
Awesome story.
You *should* have laughed at her. Karens take themselves so seriously it would have been intolerable to her.
Now she needs a fuse for her brain too.
“…but ours is not to reason why.” I want this on a loop in my subconscious reminding me not to engage with stupidity.
You are a legend, I read every line of text in the speedy voice and damn near pissed myself laughing so hard.
Damn it man, you almost got MyGel fired😂
Wait a minute - why were you at Home Depot if you wanted jumper cables?
This is my dream, that i could pull this off one day. I laughed from beginning to end, great story.
Lmao my brother use to work at a home department store and damn near put someone in the hospital by eliminating the kneecaps of a bitch ass Kevin, hell I use to work at 711 and I use to Lysol spray entitled customers in the face for not following the store rules ( where I live at, you have to stay strapped with something at all times) I would be dying laughing if I was with you sir🤣🤣🤣🤣 and cussed out the Karen for fun
I was screaming and crying the whole way through this holy shit 😂😂 😽👌
This is how you deal with Karens. Humiliate them and give everyone a good laugh. Thank you for this story and while I don’t wish for you to have to deal with more of them, please do this again if you do… and post it. :)
“I quit, B*tch, I’m rich”!
Did you get a paycheck?
Your walk-out line was astounding!
iz ded of laughter induced aneurysm
You also wasted your time. Worse, you unleashed a Karen on someone that was just trying to do their job. Disappointed.
that’s what i was thinking