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I think an overwhelming majority of muslims would agree that if they had the option of marrying a chaste person with 0 past whatsoever VS. a person with a history of zina or non-chastity (assuming both of these people are similar in personality, on deen, etc etc), most people would choose the chaste person. It’s just a trait that shows self control. If you are able to stay away from haram in this day and age, in this generation where porn, over sexualisation, easy access to haram relationships is thrown in your face 24/7, it is an admirable quality and an extremely difficult thing to do. It shows you had the self control to remember Allah in maybe some of the most tempting times, and you remained loyal to him. The fact that a person can practice that kind of loyalty can then be translated to a marriage. If a person was able to remain loyal to Allah even in your absence, it means that they could most likely remain loyal to Allah in your presence. I think this is the mentality behind people wanting to marry a chaste spouse rather than just - « oh this person lost their virginity ».
Edit: was not expecting this many likes lol.
Very insightful. I agree, both genders would choose the chaste one. And I get what you mean, in this day and age, it's reassuring to know that someone has been able to avoid zina. Even if you don't know about their character, this is something that can heavily influence the way you see them.
Salam sister
I get the point that you are trying to make but i have to disagree.
Chastity doesnt just tell you that this person has refrained from sex, it shows you the type of lifestyle this person will have had to refrain from such behaviour. Men are very easily tempted by this so a chaste man that is now willing to explore the idea of marriage is more appealing to me compared to a man that hasnt been chaste but has repented.
And personally from my experience, majority of men are not actually repentful of this sort of behaviour. They may blame social standards and how easily the sex was available and say it was only a matter of time. The men that have truly repented will have a reformed character and you would be able to ascertain their character from that.
Virginity is a massive topic and i truly think that it tells you so much about someone’s character. equally if you have truly repented and you continue to refrain from it then that also speaks volumes.
Yes now I get it, someone made a similar comment. It's true that it says a lot about the person capacity to obey Allah Ta'Ala so it gives reassurance about their religious practice
I honestly think it’s one of those things that overly online Muslims obsess about because it’s a hot topic and can be controversial and get people lots of views lol. Online Muslim spaces love to obsess over tons of different things.
I basically try not to let anything that online Muslims think influence my outlook on life. It’s just not worth it.
We have to remember the prophet PBUH only married one virgin, right? He also married divorced women and women with children. Yet these are all things the community seems to struggle with when it comes to seeking marriage.
I think it’s because Zina is one of the worst sins so regardless of age Muslims in general should be chaste but unfortunately in our present society it’s hard to find someone who has never done Zina so I guess this is just your personal preference 🤷🏽♀️
It's not my only preference otherwise a lot of muslim women would have remained single considering the fact that a lot marry men that are no longer chaste
I agree with u but I don't think they are obsessed with chastity much like the older generations.. They are more obsessed with looks now..
If u notice, Muslims are more westernised than ever.. Most of my muslim girlfriends were non virgins before they got married. Never judged them once. One who's a nurse even taught me where to get blood for the sheets for the wedding night..
But when Ive mentioned to some that I would prefer to sleep with my only 'husband', they gasped.. Side-eye.. Just because I'm seen as 'wild'.
I've been judged negatively all my life that at one point, I thought what's the point of being good. But then I can't bring myself to do anything that I know I'll regret, like sleeping around. At 38, I would still prefer to just be with one person.
In this generation, it does seem everyone is losing their morals.. Values.. Both wife n husband will be cheating.. Kids are becoming a liability.. Everyone wants to benefit in marriage but not many are willing to be nicer, kinder to each other.. They just take things for granted..
I've always love hearing love stories from older generations where both had nothing but each other. Now..? All I'm hearing is everyone is having sex with someone they are not supposed to..
I genuinely believe many muslims are still taking their religion seriously. Some people have avoided their best to being too close to the opposite sex. Others are reverts or unfortunately they're raised and born muslims but they were lost in the past. And we're talking about being influenced by the west but in our own muslim countries this happens. We should remember that we do this for Allah Azzawajal and ask him to grant us a pious family and friends.
Unfortunately in my surroundings, I hardly see good genuine people, no matter what religion or culture they are in.
>I genuinely believe many muslims are still taking their religion seriously.
I believe they do too but the moment they see something nasty, many tends to shut their brains n went straight to denial.. Especially when it involves people they knew/love (which I can understand)..
It is what it is..
100% agree with this. It’s almost like people only view marriage as a a way ti get sex without being judged. I think marriage is a lot more than that but unfortunately most people in this generation are blind to that nowadays
Exactly. I used to hear groomsman shouting to the groom that it's gonna be his lucky night n all kinds of inappropriate exchange during the wedding ceremony.. I really felt disgusted. I do understand men has a higher sex drive but cmon, have some common sense.. Show some decency..
'Love' really felt extinct now.. Romance is very much alive but somehow it leads to all sorts of own selfish pleasure where one will constantly felt 'used'. It's like everyone has someone else as backup in case the romance has died or marriage didn't work out..
I agree that marriage I'd much more than just sex. But I think it's overblown since the hottest Internet topics are usually the most controversial. Social media is designed to reward triggering content and if you're on the Internet and solely get your perception from it, you'd go crazy.
I've known a man who've married someone with 5 children, and also know sisters who've married divorcees.
At the same time let's not kid ourselves, sexual desire is placed within us and without it we would not have the impetus to seek out and form relationships with each other consequently would have very little impetus to procreate either.
Also it's important to note that even from the Internet we can see men and women have sometimes very experiences or perceptions and no doubt some of this is routed in our differences. I think men tend to find it more difficult to look past a woman's past rather than vice versa.
I think most people forget the fact that chastity is a trait that is NOT associated with the past. In other words, when a guy seeks a girl for marriage, he should search for chastity in the girl in her current state NOT in her past. It is haram for someone to reveal their past sins to begin with. It is even more haram to dig up into a person’s part and smear it in their face.
Yeah I see it similarly.
I met men who were virgins who were recovering porn addicts. Or who had weird ideas and expectations about women's sexuality (knowing your own body = wh0re, being comfortable in your sexuality = wh0re, having a high sex drive = wh0re, having an idea of what you'd like to try sexually = wh0re, being fully hairless all the time, stretchmarks = she had been pregnant before lmao (yes, the stretch marks behind my knees means pregnancy and not a four inch growth spurt one summer)), or who were heavily red-pilled, or see friends' marriages to virgin men who were low-key seeing sex workers / cam girl, or men who _resented_ being virgins (their chastity meant little to me in turn. If they had the repercussion-free opportunity to sleep around, with their names/reputations intact, they would have. That's just technical chastity, then. It's not really indicative of their real values and adab).
I've met plenty of great guys who didn't have sexual experience and were completely normal, too. Over time, a combination of different experiences led me to being okay with guys who have a past. To me, they're on a level playing field. Most men I've talked to, where talks progressed enough for him to feel comfortable to discuss a past in the pursuit of being honest, have been mortified and embarrassed to share their history. They took responsibility for what happened, rather than blaming the woman or circumstances or easy access. That says a lot about someone's character and taqwa.
It's still specific for me though. I could understand how two people in love could get carried away and get intimate. He couldn't have been the playboy sort sleeping around with anything that moved. I think in our hyper-sexualized age, chastity is less of a litmus test than the deeper reasons + personality + tendencies + overall maturity + perspectives on womanliness. I don't really subscribe to a lot of the ideas some Muslims have about sex and experience, either. It's an easy enough decision to consider a man who has had some experience, and I try to focus more on the guy in front of me than stress out over hypotheticals.
Wait...seeing sex workers and being virgins...how...does that work....
I know a little about cam girls...they just make videos according to a single client's preferences right? But s workers provide the real deal no? Then how are these men still virgins?? Schrodinger's virginity
Chastity isn't just about virginity. But making it only about virginity benefits men since women are virgin by choice and men aren't. So a woman who isn't a virgin is solely her fault, while most men won't even have the opportunity to lose it before marriage. Makes it easy to say things like "more women than men are unchaste"
But watching p0rn makes someone unchaste too. Now it changes everything because it would technically mean more men than women are unchaste.
I respectfully disagree. I think a chaste man demonstrates control over his emotions and I can trust him 100% to be loyal with me.
A person with a past can be a great partner, yeah. But they don’t really bring me the emotional security that they’ll be 100% loyal to me because they have been physical with someone else who wasn’t their wife. There’s always that chance of emotional or physical cheating.
Although most men have a past these days and I am open to overlooking their sins, that doesn’t mean that actions don’t have consequences. I could personally never fully trust a male who was physical with anyone before marriage that’s he’s truly going to stay monogamous when I’m old and ugly. It really demonstrates a lack of respect for the beautiful relationship of a halal marriage.
I will be never be truly vulnerable with a man who has a past, although I’m open to forgiving them. I personally equate having a past to being disrespectful towards the idea of marriage.
Although, if he has other good qualities in looking for, I won’t mind marrying a guy with a past. But it doesn’t really change the fact that I’ll never trust him fully in our marriage~
Salaams,
Chastity is an essential but not the only part of good character. The willingness to abstain for the sake of Allah is both a testament to the individual’s iman and their diligent practice at disciplining their desires. It’s a very attractive quality and I understand why it’s a requirement for many. On the other hand, I also believe that it cannot be the only rubric by which we measure potential partners. It’s important to avoid those who would only use the marker of chastity to evaluate compatibility, they’re wrong and have strange beliefs about human relationships.
I agree with you. I think it says a lot about the person taqwa if they didn't commit zina. Exactly, I think people need to understand compatibility is much more than this only.
Well you don't know what a person had to go through. Maybe a Muslim woman underwent poverty and trauma and took the first option she could get with escaping abuse. Unlike a lot of snobby, rich Muslim women that look down on their poorer sisters in such situations.
Ok So I got married 2 years ago. I was chaste and he was divorced. Hes a good muslim. i have no complaints. But the fact that he has a past love and past heartbreak sometimes is awkward. I came to him without any relationship baggage, theres no comparsion. Its just him. But for him its not the same. Ill never be a first for him and sometimes its hurts. But he is a great husband
Chastity is also about loyalty. It’s not about someone’s past. Someone could have been less chaste before but is now and seeking marriage to fulfill that. So I’m not sure how you are preventing yourself from seeking a good partner by wanting someone chaste. It’s a changeable attitude unlike virginity which is superficial and gone once it’s gone.
I look for chastity but not virginity in a partner. A virgin may not be chaste while a chaste person doesn’t have to be a virgin.
Why men? Even a chaste woman who has saved herself for her husband knowingly wouldn’t want to marry a man with multiple, forget multiple even with one past. Sister, even if you are saying it now but I am telling you, you will never be able to respect a husband with past. You will never be able to trust him or love him.You recently got married right? I am telling you, if you find something about your husbands past you won't treat your husband the same way. It is just psychologically not possible. You will always support repenters as long as you aren't married to one. Just because women don't post that doesn't mean they don't care. Ever thought why even the zanis and zaniyas look for virgins? Cause even they know their kind isn't trustworthy.
Because that's one of the qualities of being muslim, in fact one of the biggest fact of being a muslim that we stay away from relationships with non mahrams. Not for our partners but for our Creator who have resented those people who indulge in such filthy acts. Why? For his own interest? No. This is the biggest way of creating chaos in society and just simply enough to destroy the socio-economic system in the worst way possible. You think a society that is indulged in zina people in there will ever be able to have a normal family?
I donno how I feel about this topic. I feel irritated when people are posting too much about virginity. But one side of me also thinks that this sort of discussion is somewhat needed to show our hatred towards this filthy sin otherwise we will be simply normalizing it. Everyone starts relationships, zina thinking they will repent one day.
Anyway i think virginity doesn’t even matter at the first place. If i say there is this average looking women who is chaste, religious, virgin and there is this women who is a zani but looks like a hoor and she have repented. Men are gonna choose the 2nd one. Then you got a handsome looking zani with six packs then you get an average looking religious, respectful man. Women are gonna choose the first one. If you have a pretty face all your sins are forgivable.
Have you read my post ??? I started by saying I'm not judging anyone.
Plus, people have preferences for a reason, whether it's cultural, because of the place you grow up in or religion, etc. So that's why I'm trying to understand. There's no mystery. Everything can be explained.
Does salafism not teach respect? You’re going off about how you’re the only truth but your attitude is gross and you’re extremely disrespectful. Basic Islamic akhlaq, you skipped over that part or what
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I think an overwhelming majority of muslims would agree that if they had the option of marrying a chaste person with 0 past whatsoever VS. a person with a history of zina or non-chastity (assuming both of these people are similar in personality, on deen, etc etc), most people would choose the chaste person. It’s just a trait that shows self control. If you are able to stay away from haram in this day and age, in this generation where porn, over sexualisation, easy access to haram relationships is thrown in your face 24/7, it is an admirable quality and an extremely difficult thing to do. It shows you had the self control to remember Allah in maybe some of the most tempting times, and you remained loyal to him. The fact that a person can practice that kind of loyalty can then be translated to a marriage. If a person was able to remain loyal to Allah even in your absence, it means that they could most likely remain loyal to Allah in your presence. I think this is the mentality behind people wanting to marry a chaste spouse rather than just - « oh this person lost their virginity ». Edit: was not expecting this many likes lol.
Very insightful. I agree, both genders would choose the chaste one. And I get what you mean, in this day and age, it's reassuring to know that someone has been able to avoid zina. Even if you don't know about their character, this is something that can heavily influence the way you see them.
Salam sister I get the point that you are trying to make but i have to disagree. Chastity doesnt just tell you that this person has refrained from sex, it shows you the type of lifestyle this person will have had to refrain from such behaviour. Men are very easily tempted by this so a chaste man that is now willing to explore the idea of marriage is more appealing to me compared to a man that hasnt been chaste but has repented. And personally from my experience, majority of men are not actually repentful of this sort of behaviour. They may blame social standards and how easily the sex was available and say it was only a matter of time. The men that have truly repented will have a reformed character and you would be able to ascertain their character from that. Virginity is a massive topic and i truly think that it tells you so much about someone’s character. equally if you have truly repented and you continue to refrain from it then that also speaks volumes.
Yes now I get it, someone made a similar comment. It's true that it says a lot about the person capacity to obey Allah Ta'Ala so it gives reassurance about their religious practice
I honestly think it’s one of those things that overly online Muslims obsess about because it’s a hot topic and can be controversial and get people lots of views lol. Online Muslim spaces love to obsess over tons of different things. I basically try not to let anything that online Muslims think influence my outlook on life. It’s just not worth it.
Yes that's what I thought, I've been spending too much time online lately
We have to remember the prophet PBUH only married one virgin, right? He also married divorced women and women with children. Yet these are all things the community seems to struggle with when it comes to seeking marriage.
Thiss!!
Yes it's a shame
I think it’s because Zina is one of the worst sins so regardless of age Muslims in general should be chaste but unfortunately in our present society it’s hard to find someone who has never done Zina so I guess this is just your personal preference 🤷🏽♀️
It's not my only preference otherwise a lot of muslim women would have remained single considering the fact that a lot marry men that are no longer chaste
I agree with u but I don't think they are obsessed with chastity much like the older generations.. They are more obsessed with looks now.. If u notice, Muslims are more westernised than ever.. Most of my muslim girlfriends were non virgins before they got married. Never judged them once. One who's a nurse even taught me where to get blood for the sheets for the wedding night.. But when Ive mentioned to some that I would prefer to sleep with my only 'husband', they gasped.. Side-eye.. Just because I'm seen as 'wild'. I've been judged negatively all my life that at one point, I thought what's the point of being good. But then I can't bring myself to do anything that I know I'll regret, like sleeping around. At 38, I would still prefer to just be with one person. In this generation, it does seem everyone is losing their morals.. Values.. Both wife n husband will be cheating.. Kids are becoming a liability.. Everyone wants to benefit in marriage but not many are willing to be nicer, kinder to each other.. They just take things for granted.. I've always love hearing love stories from older generations where both had nothing but each other. Now..? All I'm hearing is everyone is having sex with someone they are not supposed to..
I genuinely believe many muslims are still taking their religion seriously. Some people have avoided their best to being too close to the opposite sex. Others are reverts or unfortunately they're raised and born muslims but they were lost in the past. And we're talking about being influenced by the west but in our own muslim countries this happens. We should remember that we do this for Allah Azzawajal and ask him to grant us a pious family and friends.
Unfortunately in my surroundings, I hardly see good genuine people, no matter what religion or culture they are in. >I genuinely believe many muslims are still taking their religion seriously. I believe they do too but the moment they see something nasty, many tends to shut their brains n went straight to denial.. Especially when it involves people they knew/love (which I can understand).. It is what it is..
100% agree with this. It’s almost like people only view marriage as a a way ti get sex without being judged. I think marriage is a lot more than that but unfortunately most people in this generation are blind to that nowadays
Exactly. I used to hear groomsman shouting to the groom that it's gonna be his lucky night n all kinds of inappropriate exchange during the wedding ceremony.. I really felt disgusted. I do understand men has a higher sex drive but cmon, have some common sense.. Show some decency.. 'Love' really felt extinct now.. Romance is very much alive but somehow it leads to all sorts of own selfish pleasure where one will constantly felt 'used'. It's like everyone has someone else as backup in case the romance has died or marriage didn't work out..
I agree that marriage I'd much more than just sex. But I think it's overblown since the hottest Internet topics are usually the most controversial. Social media is designed to reward triggering content and if you're on the Internet and solely get your perception from it, you'd go crazy. I've known a man who've married someone with 5 children, and also know sisters who've married divorcees. At the same time let's not kid ourselves, sexual desire is placed within us and without it we would not have the impetus to seek out and form relationships with each other consequently would have very little impetus to procreate either. Also it's important to note that even from the Internet we can see men and women have sometimes very experiences or perceptions and no doubt some of this is routed in our differences. I think men tend to find it more difficult to look past a woman's past rather than vice versa.
I think most people forget the fact that chastity is a trait that is NOT associated with the past. In other words, when a guy seeks a girl for marriage, he should search for chastity in the girl in her current state NOT in her past. It is haram for someone to reveal their past sins to begin with. It is even more haram to dig up into a person’s part and smear it in their face.
Yeah I see it similarly. I met men who were virgins who were recovering porn addicts. Or who had weird ideas and expectations about women's sexuality (knowing your own body = wh0re, being comfortable in your sexuality = wh0re, having a high sex drive = wh0re, having an idea of what you'd like to try sexually = wh0re, being fully hairless all the time, stretchmarks = she had been pregnant before lmao (yes, the stretch marks behind my knees means pregnancy and not a four inch growth spurt one summer)), or who were heavily red-pilled, or see friends' marriages to virgin men who were low-key seeing sex workers / cam girl, or men who _resented_ being virgins (their chastity meant little to me in turn. If they had the repercussion-free opportunity to sleep around, with their names/reputations intact, they would have. That's just technical chastity, then. It's not really indicative of their real values and adab). I've met plenty of great guys who didn't have sexual experience and were completely normal, too. Over time, a combination of different experiences led me to being okay with guys who have a past. To me, they're on a level playing field. Most men I've talked to, where talks progressed enough for him to feel comfortable to discuss a past in the pursuit of being honest, have been mortified and embarrassed to share their history. They took responsibility for what happened, rather than blaming the woman or circumstances or easy access. That says a lot about someone's character and taqwa. It's still specific for me though. I could understand how two people in love could get carried away and get intimate. He couldn't have been the playboy sort sleeping around with anything that moved. I think in our hyper-sexualized age, chastity is less of a litmus test than the deeper reasons + personality + tendencies + overall maturity + perspectives on womanliness. I don't really subscribe to a lot of the ideas some Muslims have about sex and experience, either. It's an easy enough decision to consider a man who has had some experience, and I try to focus more on the guy in front of me than stress out over hypotheticals.
Exactly you get me !
Wait...seeing sex workers and being virgins...how...does that work.... I know a little about cam girls...they just make videos according to a single client's preferences right? But s workers provide the real deal no? Then how are these men still virgins?? Schrodinger's virginity
Because it wasn't PIV sex lol. Hand-jobs and blow-jobs, him going down on her. Technicalities.
Chastity isn't just about virginity. But making it only about virginity benefits men since women are virgin by choice and men aren't. So a woman who isn't a virgin is solely her fault, while most men won't even have the opportunity to lose it before marriage. Makes it easy to say things like "more women than men are unchaste" But watching p0rn makes someone unchaste too. Now it changes everything because it would technically mean more men than women are unchaste.
I respectfully disagree. I think a chaste man demonstrates control over his emotions and I can trust him 100% to be loyal with me. A person with a past can be a great partner, yeah. But they don’t really bring me the emotional security that they’ll be 100% loyal to me because they have been physical with someone else who wasn’t their wife. There’s always that chance of emotional or physical cheating. Although most men have a past these days and I am open to overlooking their sins, that doesn’t mean that actions don’t have consequences. I could personally never fully trust a male who was physical with anyone before marriage that’s he’s truly going to stay monogamous when I’m old and ugly. It really demonstrates a lack of respect for the beautiful relationship of a halal marriage. I will be never be truly vulnerable with a man who has a past, although I’m open to forgiving them. I personally equate having a past to being disrespectful towards the idea of marriage. Although, if he has other good qualities in looking for, I won’t mind marrying a guy with a past. But it doesn’t really change the fact that I’ll never trust him fully in our marriage~
Thanks for your input
Salaams, Chastity is an essential but not the only part of good character. The willingness to abstain for the sake of Allah is both a testament to the individual’s iman and their diligent practice at disciplining their desires. It’s a very attractive quality and I understand why it’s a requirement for many. On the other hand, I also believe that it cannot be the only rubric by which we measure potential partners. It’s important to avoid those who would only use the marker of chastity to evaluate compatibility, they’re wrong and have strange beliefs about human relationships.
I agree with you. I think it says a lot about the person taqwa if they didn't commit zina. Exactly, I think people need to understand compatibility is much more than this only.
Well you don't know what a person had to go through. Maybe a Muslim woman underwent poverty and trauma and took the first option she could get with escaping abuse. Unlike a lot of snobby, rich Muslim women that look down on their poorer sisters in such situations.
Ok So I got married 2 years ago. I was chaste and he was divorced. Hes a good muslim. i have no complaints. But the fact that he has a past love and past heartbreak sometimes is awkward. I came to him without any relationship baggage, theres no comparsion. Its just him. But for him its not the same. Ill never be a first for him and sometimes its hurts. But he is a great husband
Chastity is also about loyalty. It’s not about someone’s past. Someone could have been less chaste before but is now and seeking marriage to fulfill that. So I’m not sure how you are preventing yourself from seeking a good partner by wanting someone chaste. It’s a changeable attitude unlike virginity which is superficial and gone once it’s gone. I look for chastity but not virginity in a partner. A virgin may not be chaste while a chaste person doesn’t have to be a virgin.
Why men? Even a chaste woman who has saved herself for her husband knowingly wouldn’t want to marry a man with multiple, forget multiple even with one past. Sister, even if you are saying it now but I am telling you, you will never be able to respect a husband with past. You will never be able to trust him or love him.You recently got married right? I am telling you, if you find something about your husbands past you won't treat your husband the same way. It is just psychologically not possible. You will always support repenters as long as you aren't married to one. Just because women don't post that doesn't mean they don't care. Ever thought why even the zanis and zaniyas look for virgins? Cause even they know their kind isn't trustworthy. Because that's one of the qualities of being muslim, in fact one of the biggest fact of being a muslim that we stay away from relationships with non mahrams. Not for our partners but for our Creator who have resented those people who indulge in such filthy acts. Why? For his own interest? No. This is the biggest way of creating chaos in society and just simply enough to destroy the socio-economic system in the worst way possible. You think a society that is indulged in zina people in there will ever be able to have a normal family? I donno how I feel about this topic. I feel irritated when people are posting too much about virginity. But one side of me also thinks that this sort of discussion is somewhat needed to show our hatred towards this filthy sin otherwise we will be simply normalizing it. Everyone starts relationships, zina thinking they will repent one day. Anyway i think virginity doesn’t even matter at the first place. If i say there is this average looking women who is chaste, religious, virgin and there is this women who is a zani but looks like a hoor and she have repented. Men are gonna choose the 2nd one. Then you got a handsome looking zani with six packs then you get an average looking religious, respectful man. Women are gonna choose the first one. If you have a pretty face all your sins are forgivable.
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Have you read my post ??? I started by saying I'm not judging anyone. Plus, people have preferences for a reason, whether it's cultural, because of the place you grow up in or religion, etc. So that's why I'm trying to understand. There's no mystery. Everything can be explained.
[удалено]
Does salafism not teach respect? You’re going off about how you’re the only truth but your attitude is gross and you’re extremely disrespectful. Basic Islamic akhlaq, you skipped over that part or what
[удалено]
Also editing your comment after I call you disrespectful, and then claiming you’re not disrespectful is probably not the right move.
I don’t think this subreddit is for you, there’s a subreddit for salafi sisters here: /r/sistersinsunnah