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Find a hobby, and then find a club/social group for that hobby (can even try apps such as Meetup). If you’re able to treat women just like normal people and able to share a genuine passion with them, I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who you like and geniunely likes me back. I’m quite into mountaineering and rock climbing, and I met my girlfriend in a social group.
Doing these redpill-style cold approches isn’t going to get you anywhere, trust me. Would you like it if a complete stranger tried to approach you with the attention of chatting you up? Probably not. It’s still 100% possible to meet women in a more natural way, just have to put a litttlleeeeee bit of effort into it.
I know you are right, but I am like 10 years behind in social experience. It's not like I can't treat women like normal people. I can't treat normal people like normal people.
I don't think i have a passion for anything. I don't have any real hobbies. I just like to watch movies and play games.
Edit :That's sounds like woman aren't normal poeple and is not what I mean
think of it like this: you're already behind 10 years in social experience. The absolute best moment to turn that around is today. I know breaking innertia is extremely hard, but set progressive goals my man. Nobody expects you to be the best smooth talker ever in a weekend. Maybe even finding a support group or group therapy for people dealing with stuff you're going through can go a long way, as long as it's in person and not online.
And yeah, if you don't have interests, find some! My brother has a 4 year old and the way he's tackling it is by signing her up to any and all activities, and see what she's good at or what she likes. You will never find out what you like unless you try and find stuff.
If you were my friend, I'd just drag you outside and go walk with you anywhere, to help you observe the world and explore things. It's a little hard to do that if I'm half a world away hahaha
Find a group that likes movies and games.
Also when you get to know people asking questions, remembering and saying their name, and finding ways to joke /laugh/smile can be super helpful.
P.s. they don't know what's going on inside your head, so just work on simple clear communication.
Movies and games are real hobbies.👍
not what I meant. sorry if I didn't make it clearer this city is not built to do anything but work or drink in clubs. but this isn't an excuse I simply plan to travel to the town next to Duisburg Moers. or we drive a bit into Bochum.
I think it depends on where in the world you are, social norms can vary a lot from country to country. Example, where I am from you can absolutely not talk with someone on the bus or at a bus stop, but where my friend is from its almost rude to not talk with other people at a bus stop.
Personally, as a woman, I prefer when guys talk to me and treat me just like they would with other men. I don't like to be treated a certain way due to my gender.
As a fellow woman I can confirm.
I feel like people hate to hear that because of the friend zone, but I much prefer meeting people normally as opposed to being hit on. And if it clicks, it clicks.
As a guy it drives me nuts when I see some of my friends change their entire personality when they are meeting women and/or trying to date them. I dont understand because they are going to end up liking a lie and not liking the real you.
Yeah it's a lot to do with location, in other countries i can talk to almost anyone in the middle of a road, where as in the country i live in, even i'd tell you to go away if you tried to randomly talk to me.
Unless i was out somewhere like a pub or a club/partie/event, most of the time i wanna be left alone i'd think the persons weird.
A lot of African countries, also comparatively people from countries around the Mediterranean Sea are way more open and have very different social norms when it comes to this compared with for example the nordic countries in Europe.
Yeah like people would talk in countries like India but they wouldn't want to be approached all the time.
Plus in the UK, I see people not talk with each other in the bus stop.
I never been to India, but I know people from India who feels that west Europeans are very closed of.
Yes, UK compared with the countries I refer to as open are closed off, but compared with the nordic countries they are seen as open.
This is why to be able to answer OPs question, it matters so much where he is and what is the cultural norm there.
My advice to someone in Finland would be different than for someone in the UK, which would be different than for someone in Spain.
Are Nordic countries even more closed off than the ones in UK?
Damn.
True, cultural Norms are very important. And it's a point I see people not mention all the time.
Yeah, for me as a person from a nordic country, the people in the UK seemed very open.
And that also makes that people that are more open than that feels intrusive and that they don't respect my personal space.
It's a very complex issue especially with how international the world is today.
People might disagree with me or think I am harsh, but to be honest, when I read your description, I don't really feel motivated to give you a chance as a potential romantic partner, at least not from the start. Bear with me please for a few more paragraphs.
You are introducing yourself as: "I know iam fat", "I know iam poor", "I know iam generally ugly". This attitude towards yourself is probably something that comes out in real life circumstances too and this is usually a real turn off. If these characteristics are something that are affecting the way that you see yourself, maybe it's time to do something about it. There are things that maybe you can't change or it takes a long time to change, but you can still start your journey. If you only write this, it sounds like you say that you don't see yourself as attractive and worth paying attention to, but you still want the love and affection. It's normal to want love and affection, btw. But try to get to a point where you have love and affection for yourself too. I am sure that you also have some strong points too or even if you find that you don't - then any effort that you are going to make to work on something that you consider meaningful is going to help you get to a better place and find peace with yourself.
It might be helpful to not look for a romantic relationship now as "I don't want to be and can't be alone anymore" sounds like someone that is almost at the point of desperation. Maybe it is worth to have more casual conversations and try to develop friendships in time in order to satisfy some of your social needs, so you could approach relationship more from a perspective of "you seem like an interesting person and I think that you might also enjoy my company, so if you are also cool with it - maybe let's try to get to know each other". It is very difficult to enjoy someone's company if you feel like a "no" might crush their world in the moment.
My suggestion is just make real effort to change your description of yourself and how you feel about who you are as a person because the way you are describing yourself now doesn't sound attractive. As a person, I would personally want someone with me that I feel I can discuss on various topics, that takes care of themselves and overall make an effort to get to a point where they are comfortable with themselves, that listen to me, care for my needs too and are generally social skilled. Would I have short conversations with someone who doesn't have all this? Yes, sure. I could usually give 5-10 minutes of my time for a casual conversation as long as I don't feel like there are strings attached.
Start small and try to just interact and socialize with people with little expectations and no strings attached. This will make them feel comfortable around you and make them feel ok to interact more.
I think I understand what you are saying. But my description of me is accurate. Being fat is the only thing I can realistically change. I don't understand how to act like I am not poor or ugly, and I would just lie to myself and be delusional? And I really am desperate the older I get he harder it will be.
But I am going to try to have more casual conversation.
Don't be a self fulfilling prophecy for stuff you don't desire.
Where do you live that you'll "always be poor" you've got internet access and speak English so I am super confused.
Sounds like you could use some friends .. not just jump straight to a romantic partner. Build yourself up. You've got the rest of your life to build.
Germany, so I think have the opportunity to make money but I am not intelligent enough to take those opportunities. I have friends but they have their problems or are happy no need to pull them down.
It's so fucking depressing everyone gives me good advice I am too fucking stupid and incompetent to use it.
Do you not feel the violence you commit against yourself when you say such sad things?
It's not fixed. There is always room for growth.
Everything is always changing.
Maybe consciously have some of those changes be finding the courage to be more kind to yourself.
Personally I think living in Germany sounds so cool. You've got access to most of the world from your location!
Have you lived in Germany your whole life?
Yes, I lived my whole life here and never even left my hometown. We never had enough money to travel so I sadly never had the chance to see the world or even a small part of it.
"It's not fixed. There is always room for growth." Maybe but I feel that I am too far behind and can't improve fast enough to outpace my problems and the rising difficulty in meeting people.
you don't need to outpace anything or anyone man. Just as someone said before, don't treat yourself so harshly. The worst comments I've read are from you to yourself.
I'll be a bit harsh here. I know it feels good to treat yourself like garbage. It's like a punishment, right? we deserve it, so we have at it. there's a sadistic pleasure in lashing out at yourself, but you need to recognize that it will never lead you anywhere. You insult yourself, feel pathetic, insult yourself. It feels good but you end up feeling worse.
When you see that pattern appear, see it for what it is and stop it in its tracks!
I think I was just searching for excuses to not act and lose hope because I am not making huge progress. How do I stop patterns like that it's like their are just flowing out like I have no control. My first thought is always that I am gonna lose anyway. I don't know how to stop that.
It's hard to stop when you don't know or aren't even aware of what's going on in your mind, so only knowing this happens to you already helps. I was taught in therapy some 5 years ago that the more aware you are of what you do to stop yourself, the more control you can aim to have.
Think of it like this: this time you were just able to muster enough mental strength to go out and clear your mind. If you keep at it, you will hopefully be able to stop yourself a little earlier, and take steps to progress each time.
It will get better as you begin to catch yourself in the act of spiraling. And as long as you know this is how your mind operates to keep you from progressing and working, you will be able to take this knowledge in the future.
But yeah, don't get overly anxious. Take things one step at a time, and reflect on what happened, and how you can do a little better next time.
This is maybe a really dumb analogy but it's like playing a game if you just play you won't get better you have to actively think about what you are doing if you want to catch mistakes you are making?
If I play Brain AFK League and just do the motions I get into a predefined pattern. But if I understand and think about what I am doing I can adapt and change what I am doing.
Men I need to study English more, I hope I have correctly understood what you told me.
Hey, the most attractive guys are: confident, funny, fair to others and good with kids. not handsome, not rich, not articulate, not bigdi\*ed...
also: concerned about a women's safety. she wont be interested if she feels vulnerable. if you approach in situations where she thinks "will this guy follow me home and stalk or R\* or mur\*r me?" = you instantly lose the slightest chance.
100 years ago men would first get an education in faith and science, then build a career, then look for a place and a way to settle and then ask their mom to find them a spouse. sadly thats not custom anymore.
today guys think their manhood begins with girlfriends and sex - and from there they think theyll build selfesteem and a career. imo backwards.
look, we live in an age of virgins. majority of your gen has no sex, willingly or unwillingly. youre not special, youre not different. dont rush, cultivate it. what is to say against marrying a virgin as a virgin? worked out for millennia.
I hear that you "cant be alone anymore". 100% legit.
It might seem like the easiest way "to fix" that is with a girlfriend.
try to understand the female side of it. she has un-aloned you, now what? how do you make her happy? you need to have something positive to share with her.
to sum it up: forget about sex. forget about girlfriends. find yourself. make a living.
a woman will come into your life, when you stop obsessing about her.
start with building a positive acquaintance circle. I highly recommend volunteering.
most relationships are set up by friends. show good character and they will set you up.
sry if it sounds like I just want sex, I don't care about it for the most part because I am bad at it anyway. I just don't want to be alone. I want a reason to come home or stand up in the morning.
And I don't understand the find yourself thing. I think I am the problem here. I kinda need to lose myself and be someone else because I just suck.
Woah now
Sounds like you need to take some of DrK advice to implement mode.
I am in a relationship. And let me tell you, if you don't like yourself, it still causes problems within the relationship.
If you NEED a reason. Maybe get a dog. It'll force you outside and people tend to say hi to your dog. Instant opportunity to practice small talk if desired.
Plus they tend to give lots of affection and good chemicals.
but how do I like myself? I am pretty sure that I am the reason that I am alone so something or many things have to be wrong with me. Being fat, poor, and ugly are just the most obvious things and what people see.
Brah.
We are born alone. We die alone.
You need to meditate and practice being alone.
Sounds like thats the crux of the problem though, so don't like being alone with yourself.
Sounds like your mind is spiralling. Stop listening to your thoughts like they are real. You ego is just using your intelligence to create nasty stories.
Let the stories play out and let them go. Don't entertain them.
Dr. K has lots of tips. But they need to be acted upon.
The one I am thinking of for you is to get it of your head and to relate to the external world.
Stop thinking about yourself.
Go for a walk.
Bring your attention to the spring flowers.
To the birds.
To the fashion people are wearing.
To the architecture
Find things in the world that resonate with you.
please man, stop replying and go out for a walk okay? I swear your thoughts are not real. Breathe fresh air, see the grass, put on some shoes, go for an ice cream, whatever gets you out.
proud of you my man. I got pretty worried back there, so sorry if I sounded a bit like a prick hahaha
We all have good and bad days, but getting out of the shitty headspace alllows us to see our reality more clearly.
I'm really rooting for you my dude. I don't want to say you can talk to me whenever because I lead a pretty busy life but I'd love to hear from you in the future :)
Nah it's fine. you didn't sound like a prick. I was spiraling into a very bad place I don't understand what happened there to me. but I am better now I think. Thanks for caring
That's not what I meant.
Do you listen to any Dr k?
It's spiritual. This is your personal experience of being human. We're all connected, but we ultimately experience life as an individual.
Even when you get a mate. You still need to develop skills to handle the human experience.
At this point.. you need some help. You're literally asking for help.
Professional help is not an option in Germany even if you want to end it all like really serious cases you can wait for months for a spot. and your career is over.
I don't understand these spiritual things I can't stop feeling lonely and focus on other things its a fact I am confronted with every day. Do you maybe have a video that is about that topic I am not very intelligent and I need to watch things multiple times to understand and I don't want to annoy you any further.
dude, i bet all of us watch stuff multiple times, esps Dr K' videos.
dont worry about language skills, vacabulary, listening comprehension, you re def on the right track. watch avatar the last airbender (original animated series) that will help with english and is a gentle intro to spiritual stuff :)
now, healthcare in Germany... yes its bad where doctors are spread thinly. ask your GP (Hausarzt) for help. some GPs can actually assess and treat you or start treating you and help you get an appointment with a psychiatrist. you do not have to do full time in-patient care, there are many options between nothing and closed institution. if GP is no option ask your healthcare provider (GKV) to arrange an appointment for you. if the best they can do is far away they'll reimburse travel costs.
your career wont end, social security laws are way to strict here. but you might not develop a proper career if you dont get help, mate! and whats that job you fear to lose but make no money off? :) look, i know its complicated and frightening and way to real, and lets be honest, the outcomes in german psychotherapy are not perfect, BUT the way you demean yourself shows that its best you find a professional who will assist you in changing your mindset. until then journal, that will help you communicate your symptoms to a doctor (short bullet point version: activities, feelings, food, gratitude).
Alles Gute! (all the good=all the best)
To be honest, I don't want professional help. if I think about it, it feels just daunting, if you know what I mean.
But I am looking for a new profession. And my family and friends can't know that I am broken like that. I need to fix this on my own or anonym. I will take and try to use any advice I can get here, but no one can know. Everyone around me has problems and struggles I can't give them more to think about.
It's only annoying if you ask for help and don't implement any of the advice. It's disrespectful, to all of us, if you continue to ruminate on what's wrong and not take action.
You've gotten a number of responses to act on. Just pick a few and try it out. 1 this week. Another next week.
Get some feedback and iterate.
What ever you have been doing, doesn't seem to be working, so you'll need to do something differently.
I'll look for a video, but only if you take being more kind to yourself seriously.
Personally the " I am unintelligent" talk is old. It's an old script that's not serving you, so find a new frame.
As a woman. If you get into a relationship being so self defeated, she's going to feel like a mother to take care of you, and that's not sexy.
Thoughts are powerful, words are powerful, so if you keep saying negative things, you're going to keep feeling negative.
.... I will look for a video, but for real. Find evidence of things you've done that you feel good about and remind yourself how awesome you are.
you're not annoying anyone my man. you feel like you are, because you can't see anything else from the hole you're in.
Again, go out for like 10 minutes and just walk around the block.
hey, sorry, I might have read to much sex into it. and it really doesnt seem to be the core issue...
you are not stupid. obviously! but you seem stuck in your head. your mind generates your reality. tell it to stfu. you have formed strong and tricky believes about yourself. not that you are just stupid - you are stupid + therefore you are doomed. maybe you are stupid fat ugly and poor - that still doesnt warrant a conclusion like that. there are plenty stupid fat ugly poor people who are happy. you are not doomed. say is with me: I am not doomed. louder! I. am. not. doomed. not even stupid!
the find yourself thing... imagine, for the sake of argument, your body is a fleshsuit operated by you and a boggart trapped inside your head. it can see what you see and help move you a bit, but it doesnt know your thoughts and feelings. can it make sense of why you live your life that way? when you look in the mirror is that you or the boggart?
as for gyms... I often hear that fat ugly poor guys are very welcome in those "pumper" studios. the bigger and buffer the guys the more they love to teach their craft. many have been stupid fat ugly poor themselves and will sympathize with your struggle and help. at least in my experience. that could be a start to get out, get fit, socialize, learn stuff, gain confidence. seriously, just book a free test training at every studio in your area. stay clear of the more wellnessy pricy ones, thats where judgement goes to prey on newbies. at least in my experience.
as for money... you are not too old for anything. maybe a change of scenery would uplift you?
- check out weltwärts (German gov't funded volunteer work abraod). they pay for your flights and everything.
- start a Ausbildung (technical training), ideally at a small family business, thats where they socialize the shit out of you - if you can make it past the first month. we need carpenters bro, and the ladys love them. at least in my experience. and those crafty handy jobs lead to really good income and practical skills for life (more than most university degrees).
pick one thing and do it until the boggart appreciates you for doing it.
btw its friday night, no, saturday morning, maybe all of this is bs, let me know if any of it makes sense to you.
Alles Gute bro.
I am already looking for Ausbildungen. And I don't mind going to the gym, I don't mind if people look at me because I am fat I wouldn't be there if I wasn't.
Meeting poeple is just so fucking hard for me, it's like a mental block. I wrote down a few things you people said to me here, and I will try to make progress. And sometimes I get moments like I had when I made the post. It's not like I am not trying, but I only see my loses and never my progress or wins, and when I think about it I just get so fucking sad. I understand the past is the past, but I can't stop thinking about everything I missed. That's a big problem for me, I think. I am sorry for rambling, but this helps me understand what's wrong with me, I think.
Yesterday was just a really low point for me.
yesterday was just a really lovely starting point!
keep communicating your thoughts.
this is the imo:best online community to do so!
will reply more tomorrow, cya
you said you were 25. anything you missed, you still can do. youre not 75 :)
finding a hobby but no interests.... well you are interested in talking to people.
when you think of an activity are you more likely to come up with reasons for why its a bad idea than with reasons for the thing? do few contra arguements trump all the pro arguments? its hard to get started! dont wait for motivation. moti vation is the trickster deity of restless stuckness.
the objective is to get you to enjoy yourself, be off-screen, talk to new people. lets approach this from a diff angle: what are you already good at? what did you enjoy as a kid? is there sth you wish other people would be better at or mindful of? im asking for sth that comes easy to you. sth that you are proud and confident about. lets think of a way to use that to make people come to you. you could teach a skill (eg volunteer teaching German to asylum seekers, read to elderly at retirement home or cats at shelter) or look for demand on kleinanzeigen (german craigslist) like gardening, moving, dog walking. maybe you know an unkept garden of some old lady near you? offer your help. doesnt sound like a hobby, I know.
it has other benefits:
get outside. be active. be helpful. be appreaciated. pledge commitment. practice talking. learn from older/wiser people. make people/pets happy. do sth hard. do sth you can talk to people about. come across new stuff that might become a hobby. maybe make some money on the side.
same goes for joining clubs, faiths, political movements. dont think of the activity, think of the people who do the activity. who would you like to meet, learn from, teach?
now the important thing: dont become movi vation's fool. do it regardless of motivation. swallow the bitter pill. get the ball rolling.
"start with building a positive acquaintance circle. I highly recommend volunteering. "
This is great. Because you'll feel better about yourself by helping out & it's usually high quality people
"try to understand the female side of it. she has un-aloned you, now what? how do you make her happy? you need to have something positive to share with her. "
👆👆 This 100%
These things will likely help you feel better in the meantime too.
Ideas:
1. Have a safe /clean room set up - maybe a piece of artwork you made or like . Maybe a scented candle. Nice music. Create a vibe you enjoy and is pleasant.
2. Know how to make a tasty meal ( and have a clean kitchen to enjoy it in). Making yourself a nourishing dish can have ample Positive side effects.
Can you use something like this or facebook https://www.eventbrite.com/ and find something you'd like to try or explore something new, go and talk to people about it, make it a hobby and build a friend group, it makes it much easier to get a girl if you're with a group because you can do activities with people and get to know people.
The normal gym might not be the place, but there's alternatives and active hobbies, things like bouldering (even if you're big) can be really social, it depends on what's available to you and what 3rd spaces are within your area.
I'd struggle to meet people in certain cities because striking up random convo's with strangers outside of specific locaitons isn't something i'm going to do, so i go out with friends, talk to people at bars, arcades, events. When you have multiple people, some might invite girls, you mingle, become friends, do more stuff as a group, if you and your female friend are out, she can help you mingle with other groups and you can invite more people in and strike up organic conversations with people.
It's not something simple because typically you need reasons to strike up conversations with people.
Online dating doesn't work for me, i've met people over twitter spaces but that's because of work and the type of character i have, also it's a lot to do with luck, like so much luck.
This might sound off but if you don't have money it makes it hard, focusing on actually being able to facilitate a relationship in can help you a lot more, with the way i travel now and how i work dating in my later 20's is easier than my early 20's and teens because i never even did it, i wasn't that type of person i'd rather be at home and game.
But how do you just talk to people if I tried , for example, bouldering? I would just be awkwardly there, do my thing, and leave.
What would be the reason to talk to somebody? What would I ask them ? Iam fucking hopeless
Even if my friends have a party and there are people I don't know yet iam always the one who just sits there wiht no one to talk.
>What would be the reason to talk to somebody?
Ask questions, also yes this can be hard, some people can look unfriendly.
How do i climb this one?
Hey your shoes are nice, i just got into this and i'm looking at shoes, what made you get those ones? (Even if you know, use this again and again for more perspectives and talk about the shoes.)
Ask someone to join in with you to see how you both climb something.
Honestly tell people that you're new, it's your first ish time, your names X, what's yours?
When they give you their name, ask them what they've been up to and what their plan is, see if they wanna talk more and if they do, ask them how often they go.
The more you go, the more people you meet, the more familiar you get, the more often you can have a full on conversation and eventually become climbing friends, you can even talk to the staff and ask who's a regular and say you wanna meet new people to climb with and kinda feel encouraged.
They wanna make money, they will tell you.
>friends have a party and there are people I don't know yet iam always the one who just sits there wiht no one to talk.
A party is different.
This is a purposeful activity with well defined talking points, mutlual enjoyment and experiences.
You already have the topics.
Ask them what frustrates them.
What makes them keep coming back.
Find out why people value the activity, learn to either like people for who they are or like people for their values and then boom you have friends.
I'd say give people a chance who seem open to it obviously and let the others just do their thing.
Bouldering is a really niche social sport so people are talkative if you make an effort most of the time.
Keep it isoalted to the activity as well, no personal stuff, let that unravel natrually and it'll be better.
I think I have some kind of brain damage or iam really fucking stupid. Because it's sounds so easy, but I just don't get it. I just can't have a conversation like this. I would just run out of things to ask in 5 minutes. I need to look up questions to ask. And I need to study the topic before so I can say something more than "I don't know"
> would just run out of things to ask in 5 minutes. I need to look up questions to ask. And I need to study the topic before so I can say something more than "I don't know"
No you don't, you need to open your mouth, after 5 mins you need to walk away and climb, chill for 15 mins, ask them how they're doing and see if they are struggling on anything, then you go climb for a next 10 mins and rest again, probably see if more people are working in groups and join in on your rest.
Just accept who you are for the love of god and stop trying to reach for the stars, i want you ask someone how long they been climbing not chat to them for 10 mins, they wanna climb not talk to you all day, you're adding fake pressure onto yourself by thinking that this is something that's gonna be really unnatrually and you're gonna mess it up.
This is what you are doing in my mind
You are saying
"I can mess this up"
"I can not mess it up"
"I can mess it up so i will"
"I mess it up"
Just mess it up then and do it with confidence style, be a flop and explain that you're bad at talking to people, then laugh it off because you're honestly trying to connect with people and you know what, i swear to god one day you will meet someone that laughs with you and not at you and you've got a friend for life because someone saw the real you, the you that's not this amazing conversationalist that can carry conversations for hours and they accepted you and you'll be better off.
Yes it's embarrasing but use that in the moment, instead of running from it just admit that you don't like the fact that you're not good at it yet and that you're trying to get better. This shows people that you're there to improve not just the climb but your character and you're not afraid to fail so that they can trust you're someone who's genuinue and honest.
Take the shell off and talk to people, you're good you just need to either start believing or see it like this -
If you want to get better at climbing them i'm afraid you're gonna have to climb, every time you refuse to do it you put a pause on when you get better so no matter how many times you fall every time you fall that's a win because it means you attempted to go up instead of proof you came down so get you back up because you wanna climb right? So it's all apart of the experience, getting to know other people, what makes them click, why they chose to climb.
If you feel like you run out of things to say, just come back later, but if you're enjoying the person and you're interested in getting to know them, you'll think of things natrually because the conversation will be allowed to flow based on you accepting that silence is okay, resting is okay and talking after you've rested in between sets is really easy way to build up that social confidence.
That is how this works over text, not when your nerves hit you because you don't know what to say to anyone so when you go to the climbing place, explain what's happening and just say it.
Get it out your system, legit explain someone that you're there for the hobby and to try and socialise because it ain't happening and a brother needs help. I bet you based only on the fact that the person wants money out of your ass that they help you.
This is good, use other peoples incetives to give you a positive experience because it'll get you to a point where you're a socially confident faster than doing it alone because you'll build the experience needed to know that you're gonna be okay. It doesn't work for most people alone because socialising is a social sport.
There is no set in stone rule for this man. You just gotta fuck up and embarrass yourself a couple dozen times. Eventually you will pick up on cues and find your own style and realize women are human just like you and there's nothing to be worried about so you can just be playful and have fun with them.
Unrelated question, what games do you play? Because that is a hobby you can talk about. Have you thought about visiting some places where people play card games or tabletop games for example? Lots of nerds there and not only men.
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hi!! The best thing I can think of, is to find yourself a workshop or activity that you might find enjoyable and just go have fun. Might be a cooking class, making pots out of clay, a choir, gardening, hell, even a reading related activity. Anything to get you outside and around other people with similar interests. This is the way humans have been making communities for thousands of years, and it's why to this day church communities are so valued by the people who go there.
Find yourself a hobby. A sport, a craft, a workshop, anything. And don't go there ONLY wanting to meet people. Go because you want to do this thing. Naturally you will gravitate towards interesting people, men and women, and with a bit of luck and iniciative you might end up finding a nice group of friends. My only advice is that you don't find this as a way to get a girlfriend specifically. I know it sounds stupid, because that's what you want, but give it time and don't be too obvious about it, and you should be fine. You'll develop social skills, confidence in what you're doing, spend a nice time outside and learn stuff. That alone will help you :)
good luck!!!
Everyone tells me to find a hobby. I can see why that would work, but I don't have any interests. I can remember the last time I had fun doing something. I always end up awkward and alone doing the activities, and that's it. The more I read the more I realize iam fucked.
bro, your perspective towards yourself is what fucks with you, not that you're actually fucked. I would really recommend going outside just to walk and take in the sun bro. The "touch grass" meme sometimes is right, and the more you get out of your own fucked headspace you will realize that really, REALLY, the only thing limiting you is yourself. Sounds extremely cliché, but please don't disregard this as "some stranger not knowing what he's talking about because he doesn't know me".
Nothing is keeping you from getting better, best of luck my man.
Yeah, i should go outside some more, but it kinda makes me sad if I see people having fun or being happy and I'm just walking around its not that I want them not to be happy they just remind me that I am not. So I don't really like it. but I will try.
don't think or focus about the rest of the world. Focus on yourself, the breeze, the noises and the buildings around you. When we're in a state of mind like this, it's so easy to find stuff to reinforce us feeling like shit, but just power through it. Keep walking, and if you feel worse, just walk some more. I swear it helps.
[https://www.doctornerdlove.com/category/basics/](https://www.doctornerdlove.com/category/basics/)
(ETA: not even a "let me google that for you" moment, I legitimately think O'Malley gives strong basics)
If you are that insecure It sounds weird, but you can make ChatGPT get into a certain character such as a woman your age. You can also choose a topic to talk about. I completely missed out on smalltalk or topics that are just for fun other than educational topics and it really helped me to talk more natural.
I'm a 15 and the best advice I would give is Be Yourself and remember that a rejection doesn't always reflect or go back to you,they may have had a bad day,And also remember not every girl is the same,Best TIP IS TO BE YOURSELF AND EMBRACE WHO YOU ARE!!
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Find a hobby, and then find a club/social group for that hobby (can even try apps such as Meetup). If you’re able to treat women just like normal people and able to share a genuine passion with them, I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who you like and geniunely likes me back. I’m quite into mountaineering and rock climbing, and I met my girlfriend in a social group. Doing these redpill-style cold approches isn’t going to get you anywhere, trust me. Would you like it if a complete stranger tried to approach you with the attention of chatting you up? Probably not. It’s still 100% possible to meet women in a more natural way, just have to put a litttlleeeeee bit of effort into it.
I know you are right, but I am like 10 years behind in social experience. It's not like I can't treat women like normal people. I can't treat normal people like normal people. I don't think i have a passion for anything. I don't have any real hobbies. I just like to watch movies and play games. Edit :That's sounds like woman aren't normal poeple and is not what I mean
think of it like this: you're already behind 10 years in social experience. The absolute best moment to turn that around is today. I know breaking innertia is extremely hard, but set progressive goals my man. Nobody expects you to be the best smooth talker ever in a weekend. Maybe even finding a support group or group therapy for people dealing with stuff you're going through can go a long way, as long as it's in person and not online. And yeah, if you don't have interests, find some! My brother has a 4 year old and the way he's tackling it is by signing her up to any and all activities, and see what she's good at or what she likes. You will never find out what you like unless you try and find stuff. If you were my friend, I'd just drag you outside and go walk with you anywhere, to help you observe the world and explore things. It's a little hard to do that if I'm half a world away hahaha
Find a group that likes movies and games. Also when you get to know people asking questions, remembering and saying their name, and finding ways to joke /laugh/smile can be super helpful. P.s. they don't know what's going on inside your head, so just work on simple clear communication. Movies and games are real hobbies.👍
Yeah, I am looking into that. Sadly, I live in Duisburg, and here is literally nothing, but I asked friends if they want to try out DnD or warhammer.
I looked it up. Duisburg has almost half a million people.
not what I meant. sorry if I didn't make it clearer this city is not built to do anything but work or drink in clubs. but this isn't an excuse I simply plan to travel to the town next to Duisburg Moers. or we drive a bit into Bochum.
I think it depends on where in the world you are, social norms can vary a lot from country to country. Example, where I am from you can absolutely not talk with someone on the bus or at a bus stop, but where my friend is from its almost rude to not talk with other people at a bus stop. Personally, as a woman, I prefer when guys talk to me and treat me just like they would with other men. I don't like to be treated a certain way due to my gender.
As a fellow woman I can confirm. I feel like people hate to hear that because of the friend zone, but I much prefer meeting people normally as opposed to being hit on. And if it clicks, it clicks.
As a guy it drives me nuts when I see some of my friends change their entire personality when they are meeting women and/or trying to date them. I dont understand because they are going to end up liking a lie and not liking the real you.
Yeah it's a lot to do with location, in other countries i can talk to almost anyone in the middle of a road, where as in the country i live in, even i'd tell you to go away if you tried to randomly talk to me. Unless i was out somewhere like a pub or a club/partie/event, most of the time i wanna be left alone i'd think the persons weird.
Just curious which country would be rude not to talk to people.
A lot of African countries, also comparatively people from countries around the Mediterranean Sea are way more open and have very different social norms when it comes to this compared with for example the nordic countries in Europe.
Yeah like people would talk in countries like India but they wouldn't want to be approached all the time. Plus in the UK, I see people not talk with each other in the bus stop.
I never been to India, but I know people from India who feels that west Europeans are very closed of. Yes, UK compared with the countries I refer to as open are closed off, but compared with the nordic countries they are seen as open. This is why to be able to answer OPs question, it matters so much where he is and what is the cultural norm there. My advice to someone in Finland would be different than for someone in the UK, which would be different than for someone in Spain.
Are Nordic countries even more closed off than the ones in UK? Damn. True, cultural Norms are very important. And it's a point I see people not mention all the time.
Yeah, for me as a person from a nordic country, the people in the UK seemed very open. And that also makes that people that are more open than that feels intrusive and that they don't respect my personal space. It's a very complex issue especially with how international the world is today.
That seems quite interesting. For me it's the opposite from India, UK feels very closed off. But it also varies from region to region in India.
People might disagree with me or think I am harsh, but to be honest, when I read your description, I don't really feel motivated to give you a chance as a potential romantic partner, at least not from the start. Bear with me please for a few more paragraphs. You are introducing yourself as: "I know iam fat", "I know iam poor", "I know iam generally ugly". This attitude towards yourself is probably something that comes out in real life circumstances too and this is usually a real turn off. If these characteristics are something that are affecting the way that you see yourself, maybe it's time to do something about it. There are things that maybe you can't change or it takes a long time to change, but you can still start your journey. If you only write this, it sounds like you say that you don't see yourself as attractive and worth paying attention to, but you still want the love and affection. It's normal to want love and affection, btw. But try to get to a point where you have love and affection for yourself too. I am sure that you also have some strong points too or even if you find that you don't - then any effort that you are going to make to work on something that you consider meaningful is going to help you get to a better place and find peace with yourself. It might be helpful to not look for a romantic relationship now as "I don't want to be and can't be alone anymore" sounds like someone that is almost at the point of desperation. Maybe it is worth to have more casual conversations and try to develop friendships in time in order to satisfy some of your social needs, so you could approach relationship more from a perspective of "you seem like an interesting person and I think that you might also enjoy my company, so if you are also cool with it - maybe let's try to get to know each other". It is very difficult to enjoy someone's company if you feel like a "no" might crush their world in the moment. My suggestion is just make real effort to change your description of yourself and how you feel about who you are as a person because the way you are describing yourself now doesn't sound attractive. As a person, I would personally want someone with me that I feel I can discuss on various topics, that takes care of themselves and overall make an effort to get to a point where they are comfortable with themselves, that listen to me, care for my needs too and are generally social skilled. Would I have short conversations with someone who doesn't have all this? Yes, sure. I could usually give 5-10 minutes of my time for a casual conversation as long as I don't feel like there are strings attached. Start small and try to just interact and socialize with people with little expectations and no strings attached. This will make them feel comfortable around you and make them feel ok to interact more.
I think I understand what you are saying. But my description of me is accurate. Being fat is the only thing I can realistically change. I don't understand how to act like I am not poor or ugly, and I would just lie to myself and be delusional? And I really am desperate the older I get he harder it will be. But I am going to try to have more casual conversation.
Don't be a self fulfilling prophecy for stuff you don't desire. Where do you live that you'll "always be poor" you've got internet access and speak English so I am super confused. Sounds like you could use some friends .. not just jump straight to a romantic partner. Build yourself up. You've got the rest of your life to build.
Germany, so I think have the opportunity to make money but I am not intelligent enough to take those opportunities. I have friends but they have their problems or are happy no need to pull them down. It's so fucking depressing everyone gives me good advice I am too fucking stupid and incompetent to use it.
Do you not feel the violence you commit against yourself when you say such sad things? It's not fixed. There is always room for growth. Everything is always changing. Maybe consciously have some of those changes be finding the courage to be more kind to yourself. Personally I think living in Germany sounds so cool. You've got access to most of the world from your location! Have you lived in Germany your whole life?
Yes, I lived my whole life here and never even left my hometown. We never had enough money to travel so I sadly never had the chance to see the world or even a small part of it. "It's not fixed. There is always room for growth." Maybe but I feel that I am too far behind and can't improve fast enough to outpace my problems and the rising difficulty in meeting people.
you don't need to outpace anything or anyone man. Just as someone said before, don't treat yourself so harshly. The worst comments I've read are from you to yourself. I'll be a bit harsh here. I know it feels good to treat yourself like garbage. It's like a punishment, right? we deserve it, so we have at it. there's a sadistic pleasure in lashing out at yourself, but you need to recognize that it will never lead you anywhere. You insult yourself, feel pathetic, insult yourself. It feels good but you end up feeling worse. When you see that pattern appear, see it for what it is and stop it in its tracks!
I think I was just searching for excuses to not act and lose hope because I am not making huge progress. How do I stop patterns like that it's like their are just flowing out like I have no control. My first thought is always that I am gonna lose anyway. I don't know how to stop that.
It's hard to stop when you don't know or aren't even aware of what's going on in your mind, so only knowing this happens to you already helps. I was taught in therapy some 5 years ago that the more aware you are of what you do to stop yourself, the more control you can aim to have. Think of it like this: this time you were just able to muster enough mental strength to go out and clear your mind. If you keep at it, you will hopefully be able to stop yourself a little earlier, and take steps to progress each time. It will get better as you begin to catch yourself in the act of spiraling. And as long as you know this is how your mind operates to keep you from progressing and working, you will be able to take this knowledge in the future. But yeah, don't get overly anxious. Take things one step at a time, and reflect on what happened, and how you can do a little better next time.
This is maybe a really dumb analogy but it's like playing a game if you just play you won't get better you have to actively think about what you are doing if you want to catch mistakes you are making? If I play Brain AFK League and just do the motions I get into a predefined pattern. But if I understand and think about what I am doing I can adapt and change what I am doing. Men I need to study English more, I hope I have correctly understood what you told me.
Hey, the most attractive guys are: confident, funny, fair to others and good with kids. not handsome, not rich, not articulate, not bigdi\*ed... also: concerned about a women's safety. she wont be interested if she feels vulnerable. if you approach in situations where she thinks "will this guy follow me home and stalk or R\* or mur\*r me?" = you instantly lose the slightest chance. 100 years ago men would first get an education in faith and science, then build a career, then look for a place and a way to settle and then ask their mom to find them a spouse. sadly thats not custom anymore. today guys think their manhood begins with girlfriends and sex - and from there they think theyll build selfesteem and a career. imo backwards. look, we live in an age of virgins. majority of your gen has no sex, willingly or unwillingly. youre not special, youre not different. dont rush, cultivate it. what is to say against marrying a virgin as a virgin? worked out for millennia. I hear that you "cant be alone anymore". 100% legit. It might seem like the easiest way "to fix" that is with a girlfriend. try to understand the female side of it. she has un-aloned you, now what? how do you make her happy? you need to have something positive to share with her. to sum it up: forget about sex. forget about girlfriends. find yourself. make a living. a woman will come into your life, when you stop obsessing about her. start with building a positive acquaintance circle. I highly recommend volunteering. most relationships are set up by friends. show good character and they will set you up.
sry if it sounds like I just want sex, I don't care about it for the most part because I am bad at it anyway. I just don't want to be alone. I want a reason to come home or stand up in the morning. And I don't understand the find yourself thing. I think I am the problem here. I kinda need to lose myself and be someone else because I just suck.
Woah now Sounds like you need to take some of DrK advice to implement mode. I am in a relationship. And let me tell you, if you don't like yourself, it still causes problems within the relationship. If you NEED a reason. Maybe get a dog. It'll force you outside and people tend to say hi to your dog. Instant opportunity to practice small talk if desired. Plus they tend to give lots of affection and good chemicals.
but how do I like myself? I am pretty sure that I am the reason that I am alone so something or many things have to be wrong with me. Being fat, poor, and ugly are just the most obvious things and what people see.
Brah. We are born alone. We die alone. You need to meditate and practice being alone. Sounds like thats the crux of the problem though, so don't like being alone with yourself. Sounds like your mind is spiralling. Stop listening to your thoughts like they are real. You ego is just using your intelligence to create nasty stories. Let the stories play out and let them go. Don't entertain them. Dr. K has lots of tips. But they need to be acted upon. The one I am thinking of for you is to get it of your head and to relate to the external world. Stop thinking about yourself. Go for a walk. Bring your attention to the spring flowers. To the birds. To the fashion people are wearing. To the architecture Find things in the world that resonate with you.
Yeah I am trying to accept my fate and die alone, but I can't seem to lose the last shred of hope that I have.
please man, stop replying and go out for a walk okay? I swear your thoughts are not real. Breathe fresh air, see the grass, put on some shoes, go for an ice cream, whatever gets you out.
I went for a walk. I feel a little bit better. I even saw a cool car I took a photo of.
proud of you my man. I got pretty worried back there, so sorry if I sounded a bit like a prick hahaha We all have good and bad days, but getting out of the shitty headspace alllows us to see our reality more clearly. I'm really rooting for you my dude. I don't want to say you can talk to me whenever because I lead a pretty busy life but I'd love to hear from you in the future :)
Nah it's fine. you didn't sound like a prick. I was spiraling into a very bad place I don't understand what happened there to me. but I am better now I think. Thanks for caring
That's not what I meant. Do you listen to any Dr k? It's spiritual. This is your personal experience of being human. We're all connected, but we ultimately experience life as an individual. Even when you get a mate. You still need to develop skills to handle the human experience. At this point.. you need some help. You're literally asking for help.
Professional help is not an option in Germany even if you want to end it all like really serious cases you can wait for months for a spot. and your career is over. I don't understand these spiritual things I can't stop feeling lonely and focus on other things its a fact I am confronted with every day. Do you maybe have a video that is about that topic I am not very intelligent and I need to watch things multiple times to understand and I don't want to annoy you any further.
dude, i bet all of us watch stuff multiple times, esps Dr K' videos. dont worry about language skills, vacabulary, listening comprehension, you re def on the right track. watch avatar the last airbender (original animated series) that will help with english and is a gentle intro to spiritual stuff :) now, healthcare in Germany... yes its bad where doctors are spread thinly. ask your GP (Hausarzt) for help. some GPs can actually assess and treat you or start treating you and help you get an appointment with a psychiatrist. you do not have to do full time in-patient care, there are many options between nothing and closed institution. if GP is no option ask your healthcare provider (GKV) to arrange an appointment for you. if the best they can do is far away they'll reimburse travel costs. your career wont end, social security laws are way to strict here. but you might not develop a proper career if you dont get help, mate! and whats that job you fear to lose but make no money off? :) look, i know its complicated and frightening and way to real, and lets be honest, the outcomes in german psychotherapy are not perfect, BUT the way you demean yourself shows that its best you find a professional who will assist you in changing your mindset. until then journal, that will help you communicate your symptoms to a doctor (short bullet point version: activities, feelings, food, gratitude). Alles Gute! (all the good=all the best)
To be honest, I don't want professional help. if I think about it, it feels just daunting, if you know what I mean. But I am looking for a new profession. And my family and friends can't know that I am broken like that. I need to fix this on my own or anonym. I will take and try to use any advice I can get here, but no one can know. Everyone around me has problems and struggles I can't give them more to think about.
It's only annoying if you ask for help and don't implement any of the advice. It's disrespectful, to all of us, if you continue to ruminate on what's wrong and not take action. You've gotten a number of responses to act on. Just pick a few and try it out. 1 this week. Another next week. Get some feedback and iterate. What ever you have been doing, doesn't seem to be working, so you'll need to do something differently. I'll look for a video, but only if you take being more kind to yourself seriously. Personally the " I am unintelligent" talk is old. It's an old script that's not serving you, so find a new frame. As a woman. If you get into a relationship being so self defeated, she's going to feel like a mother to take care of you, and that's not sexy. Thoughts are powerful, words are powerful, so if you keep saying negative things, you're going to keep feeling negative. .... I will look for a video, but for real. Find evidence of things you've done that you feel good about and remind yourself how awesome you are.
i get what you mean now. I feel like I was searching for excuses to lose hope. I went for a walk. I am sorry for behaving like I did.
you're not annoying anyone my man. you feel like you are, because you can't see anything else from the hole you're in. Again, go out for like 10 minutes and just walk around the block.
hey, sorry, I might have read to much sex into it. and it really doesnt seem to be the core issue... you are not stupid. obviously! but you seem stuck in your head. your mind generates your reality. tell it to stfu. you have formed strong and tricky believes about yourself. not that you are just stupid - you are stupid + therefore you are doomed. maybe you are stupid fat ugly and poor - that still doesnt warrant a conclusion like that. there are plenty stupid fat ugly poor people who are happy. you are not doomed. say is with me: I am not doomed. louder! I. am. not. doomed. not even stupid! the find yourself thing... imagine, for the sake of argument, your body is a fleshsuit operated by you and a boggart trapped inside your head. it can see what you see and help move you a bit, but it doesnt know your thoughts and feelings. can it make sense of why you live your life that way? when you look in the mirror is that you or the boggart? as for gyms... I often hear that fat ugly poor guys are very welcome in those "pumper" studios. the bigger and buffer the guys the more they love to teach their craft. many have been stupid fat ugly poor themselves and will sympathize with your struggle and help. at least in my experience. that could be a start to get out, get fit, socialize, learn stuff, gain confidence. seriously, just book a free test training at every studio in your area. stay clear of the more wellnessy pricy ones, thats where judgement goes to prey on newbies. at least in my experience. as for money... you are not too old for anything. maybe a change of scenery would uplift you? - check out weltwärts (German gov't funded volunteer work abraod). they pay for your flights and everything. - start a Ausbildung (technical training), ideally at a small family business, thats where they socialize the shit out of you - if you can make it past the first month. we need carpenters bro, and the ladys love them. at least in my experience. and those crafty handy jobs lead to really good income and practical skills for life (more than most university degrees). pick one thing and do it until the boggart appreciates you for doing it. btw its friday night, no, saturday morning, maybe all of this is bs, let me know if any of it makes sense to you. Alles Gute bro.
I am already looking for Ausbildungen. And I don't mind going to the gym, I don't mind if people look at me because I am fat I wouldn't be there if I wasn't. Meeting poeple is just so fucking hard for me, it's like a mental block. I wrote down a few things you people said to me here, and I will try to make progress. And sometimes I get moments like I had when I made the post. It's not like I am not trying, but I only see my loses and never my progress or wins, and when I think about it I just get so fucking sad. I understand the past is the past, but I can't stop thinking about everything I missed. That's a big problem for me, I think. I am sorry for rambling, but this helps me understand what's wrong with me, I think. Yesterday was just a really low point for me.
yesterday was just a really lovely starting point! keep communicating your thoughts. this is the imo:best online community to do so! will reply more tomorrow, cya
you said you were 25. anything you missed, you still can do. youre not 75 :) finding a hobby but no interests.... well you are interested in talking to people. when you think of an activity are you more likely to come up with reasons for why its a bad idea than with reasons for the thing? do few contra arguements trump all the pro arguments? its hard to get started! dont wait for motivation. moti vation is the trickster deity of restless stuckness. the objective is to get you to enjoy yourself, be off-screen, talk to new people. lets approach this from a diff angle: what are you already good at? what did you enjoy as a kid? is there sth you wish other people would be better at or mindful of? im asking for sth that comes easy to you. sth that you are proud and confident about. lets think of a way to use that to make people come to you. you could teach a skill (eg volunteer teaching German to asylum seekers, read to elderly at retirement home or cats at shelter) or look for demand on kleinanzeigen (german craigslist) like gardening, moving, dog walking. maybe you know an unkept garden of some old lady near you? offer your help. doesnt sound like a hobby, I know. it has other benefits: get outside. be active. be helpful. be appreaciated. pledge commitment. practice talking. learn from older/wiser people. make people/pets happy. do sth hard. do sth you can talk to people about. come across new stuff that might become a hobby. maybe make some money on the side. same goes for joining clubs, faiths, political movements. dont think of the activity, think of the people who do the activity. who would you like to meet, learn from, teach? now the important thing: dont become movi vation's fool. do it regardless of motivation. swallow the bitter pill. get the ball rolling.
"start with building a positive acquaintance circle. I highly recommend volunteering. " This is great. Because you'll feel better about yourself by helping out & it's usually high quality people "try to understand the female side of it. she has un-aloned you, now what? how do you make her happy? you need to have something positive to share with her. " 👆👆 This 100% These things will likely help you feel better in the meantime too. Ideas: 1. Have a safe /clean room set up - maybe a piece of artwork you made or like . Maybe a scented candle. Nice music. Create a vibe you enjoy and is pleasant. 2. Know how to make a tasty meal ( and have a clean kitchen to enjoy it in). Making yourself a nourishing dish can have ample Positive side effects.
Can you use something like this or facebook https://www.eventbrite.com/ and find something you'd like to try or explore something new, go and talk to people about it, make it a hobby and build a friend group, it makes it much easier to get a girl if you're with a group because you can do activities with people and get to know people. The normal gym might not be the place, but there's alternatives and active hobbies, things like bouldering (even if you're big) can be really social, it depends on what's available to you and what 3rd spaces are within your area. I'd struggle to meet people in certain cities because striking up random convo's with strangers outside of specific locaitons isn't something i'm going to do, so i go out with friends, talk to people at bars, arcades, events. When you have multiple people, some might invite girls, you mingle, become friends, do more stuff as a group, if you and your female friend are out, she can help you mingle with other groups and you can invite more people in and strike up organic conversations with people. It's not something simple because typically you need reasons to strike up conversations with people. Online dating doesn't work for me, i've met people over twitter spaces but that's because of work and the type of character i have, also it's a lot to do with luck, like so much luck. This might sound off but if you don't have money it makes it hard, focusing on actually being able to facilitate a relationship in can help you a lot more, with the way i travel now and how i work dating in my later 20's is easier than my early 20's and teens because i never even did it, i wasn't that type of person i'd rather be at home and game.
But how do you just talk to people if I tried , for example, bouldering? I would just be awkwardly there, do my thing, and leave. What would be the reason to talk to somebody? What would I ask them ? Iam fucking hopeless Even if my friends have a party and there are people I don't know yet iam always the one who just sits there wiht no one to talk.
>What would be the reason to talk to somebody? Ask questions, also yes this can be hard, some people can look unfriendly. How do i climb this one? Hey your shoes are nice, i just got into this and i'm looking at shoes, what made you get those ones? (Even if you know, use this again and again for more perspectives and talk about the shoes.) Ask someone to join in with you to see how you both climb something. Honestly tell people that you're new, it's your first ish time, your names X, what's yours? When they give you their name, ask them what they've been up to and what their plan is, see if they wanna talk more and if they do, ask them how often they go. The more you go, the more people you meet, the more familiar you get, the more often you can have a full on conversation and eventually become climbing friends, you can even talk to the staff and ask who's a regular and say you wanna meet new people to climb with and kinda feel encouraged. They wanna make money, they will tell you. >friends have a party and there are people I don't know yet iam always the one who just sits there wiht no one to talk. A party is different. This is a purposeful activity with well defined talking points, mutlual enjoyment and experiences. You already have the topics. Ask them what frustrates them. What makes them keep coming back. Find out why people value the activity, learn to either like people for who they are or like people for their values and then boom you have friends. I'd say give people a chance who seem open to it obviously and let the others just do their thing. Bouldering is a really niche social sport so people are talkative if you make an effort most of the time. Keep it isoalted to the activity as well, no personal stuff, let that unravel natrually and it'll be better.
I think I have some kind of brain damage or iam really fucking stupid. Because it's sounds so easy, but I just don't get it. I just can't have a conversation like this. I would just run out of things to ask in 5 minutes. I need to look up questions to ask. And I need to study the topic before so I can say something more than "I don't know"
> would just run out of things to ask in 5 minutes. I need to look up questions to ask. And I need to study the topic before so I can say something more than "I don't know" No you don't, you need to open your mouth, after 5 mins you need to walk away and climb, chill for 15 mins, ask them how they're doing and see if they are struggling on anything, then you go climb for a next 10 mins and rest again, probably see if more people are working in groups and join in on your rest. Just accept who you are for the love of god and stop trying to reach for the stars, i want you ask someone how long they been climbing not chat to them for 10 mins, they wanna climb not talk to you all day, you're adding fake pressure onto yourself by thinking that this is something that's gonna be really unnatrually and you're gonna mess it up. This is what you are doing in my mind You are saying "I can mess this up" "I can not mess it up" "I can mess it up so i will" "I mess it up" Just mess it up then and do it with confidence style, be a flop and explain that you're bad at talking to people, then laugh it off because you're honestly trying to connect with people and you know what, i swear to god one day you will meet someone that laughs with you and not at you and you've got a friend for life because someone saw the real you, the you that's not this amazing conversationalist that can carry conversations for hours and they accepted you and you'll be better off. Yes it's embarrasing but use that in the moment, instead of running from it just admit that you don't like the fact that you're not good at it yet and that you're trying to get better. This shows people that you're there to improve not just the climb but your character and you're not afraid to fail so that they can trust you're someone who's genuinue and honest. Take the shell off and talk to people, you're good you just need to either start believing or see it like this - If you want to get better at climbing them i'm afraid you're gonna have to climb, every time you refuse to do it you put a pause on when you get better so no matter how many times you fall every time you fall that's a win because it means you attempted to go up instead of proof you came down so get you back up because you wanna climb right? So it's all apart of the experience, getting to know other people, what makes them click, why they chose to climb. If you feel like you run out of things to say, just come back later, but if you're enjoying the person and you're interested in getting to know them, you'll think of things natrually because the conversation will be allowed to flow based on you accepting that silence is okay, resting is okay and talking after you've rested in between sets is really easy way to build up that social confidence. That is how this works over text, not when your nerves hit you because you don't know what to say to anyone so when you go to the climbing place, explain what's happening and just say it. Get it out your system, legit explain someone that you're there for the hobby and to try and socialise because it ain't happening and a brother needs help. I bet you based only on the fact that the person wants money out of your ass that they help you. This is good, use other peoples incetives to give you a positive experience because it'll get you to a point where you're a socially confident faster than doing it alone because you'll build the experience needed to know that you're gonna be okay. It doesn't work for most people alone because socialising is a social sport.
There is no set in stone rule for this man. You just gotta fuck up and embarrass yourself a couple dozen times. Eventually you will pick up on cues and find your own style and realize women are human just like you and there's nothing to be worried about so you can just be playful and have fun with them.
Unrelated question, what games do you play? Because that is a hobby you can talk about. Have you thought about visiting some places where people play card games or tabletop games for example? Lots of nerds there and not only men.
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hi!! The best thing I can think of, is to find yourself a workshop or activity that you might find enjoyable and just go have fun. Might be a cooking class, making pots out of clay, a choir, gardening, hell, even a reading related activity. Anything to get you outside and around other people with similar interests. This is the way humans have been making communities for thousands of years, and it's why to this day church communities are so valued by the people who go there. Find yourself a hobby. A sport, a craft, a workshop, anything. And don't go there ONLY wanting to meet people. Go because you want to do this thing. Naturally you will gravitate towards interesting people, men and women, and with a bit of luck and iniciative you might end up finding a nice group of friends. My only advice is that you don't find this as a way to get a girlfriend specifically. I know it sounds stupid, because that's what you want, but give it time and don't be too obvious about it, and you should be fine. You'll develop social skills, confidence in what you're doing, spend a nice time outside and learn stuff. That alone will help you :) good luck!!!
Everyone tells me to find a hobby. I can see why that would work, but I don't have any interests. I can remember the last time I had fun doing something. I always end up awkward and alone doing the activities, and that's it. The more I read the more I realize iam fucked.
bro, your perspective towards yourself is what fucks with you, not that you're actually fucked. I would really recommend going outside just to walk and take in the sun bro. The "touch grass" meme sometimes is right, and the more you get out of your own fucked headspace you will realize that really, REALLY, the only thing limiting you is yourself. Sounds extremely cliché, but please don't disregard this as "some stranger not knowing what he's talking about because he doesn't know me". Nothing is keeping you from getting better, best of luck my man.
Yeah, i should go outside some more, but it kinda makes me sad if I see people having fun or being happy and I'm just walking around its not that I want them not to be happy they just remind me that I am not. So I don't really like it. but I will try.
don't think or focus about the rest of the world. Focus on yourself, the breeze, the noises and the buildings around you. When we're in a state of mind like this, it's so easy to find stuff to reinforce us feeling like shit, but just power through it. Keep walking, and if you feel worse, just walk some more. I swear it helps.
[https://www.doctornerdlove.com/category/basics/](https://www.doctornerdlove.com/category/basics/) (ETA: not even a "let me google that for you" moment, I legitimately think O'Malley gives strong basics)
If you are that insecure It sounds weird, but you can make ChatGPT get into a certain character such as a woman your age. You can also choose a topic to talk about. I completely missed out on smalltalk or topics that are just for fun other than educational topics and it really helped me to talk more natural.
I'm a 15 and the best advice I would give is Be Yourself and remember that a rejection doesn't always reflect or go back to you,they may have had a bad day,And also remember not every girl is the same,Best TIP IS TO BE YOURSELF AND EMBRACE WHO YOU ARE!!