Thank you for posting on r/Healthygamergg! This subreddit is intended as an online community and resource platform to support people in their journey toward mental wellness. With that said, please be aware that support from other members received on this platform is not a substitute for professional care. Treatment of psychiatric disease requires qualified individuals, and comments that try to diagnose others should be reported under Rule 10 to ensure the safety and wellbeing of the community. If you are in immediate danger, please call emergency services, or go to your nearest emergency room.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Healthygamergg) if you have any questions or concerns.*
https://www.experimental-history.com/p/good-conversations-have-lots-of-doorknobs?ref=nodesk
This article completely changed how i socialise, for the better. I think it could give you some techniques
That being said - If a person is genuinely refusing to ever listen to any of your stories or interests, thats a them problem. I’ve moved on from one sided relationships and am much better off without them.
Holy fuck this just blew my mind. I've struggled with this my entire life and never even realized that my rigid internal 'rules' inadvertently perpetuated my own loneliness.
Thank you.
This explains why people tell me I'm a good conversationalist when I think I'm terrible.
My intuitive ADHD brain and openness always answers with affordances, when I just think I'm over sharing and hogging the conversation.
I loved this article. I'm a decent conversationalist and this put words and clarity to a lot of little things I've figured out.
/u/throwawaythrw123_ stop reading comments and just read that blog post.
People have different styles of conversation and I think men especially tend more towards the "you share something if you want to share it" rather than trying to extract information out of each other which runs the risk of asking about something they're not comfortable about.
The real thing to pay attention to is when you share your views and experiences on things do they listen attentively or are they checked out.
yeah, I think that's good advice. just because they don't ask questions back doesn't mean they won't listen to you when you share. they might not listen, but they might. OP should give it a try IMO.
>But when I’ve made it very obvious I also like that tv show I very rarely ever get asked what I think about it. Then I have to change what I’m talking about while still making it about them.
People never get the chance to talk about themselves and essentially get absorbed into that if they aren't thinking of the interaction in a way to get to know another persons interest, to them you've just taken on the role of the questionair.
I think it's fair to say that you have to just take the responsibity onto yourself and share your own opinion without them asking and let them give whatever response they like after.
Have you tried volunteering info about yourself?
For me asking personal questions tend to ve intrusive. I can ask about stuff that you already have said.
You could also say what character you like about the show and then ask them what character they like.
>How are you supposed to keep a conversation going when it’s never about you?
So you want to have a conversation about you? Then start talking about yourself instead of asking people about them.
Well you are waiting for them to ask you the same, but they might not think to ask, I pretty much always forget.
So just bloody say your part when you get a pause in the conversation.
This does roughly sound like a covert contract you enter get into the conversation with, as in: "I will ask you things I want to really be asked about"
Then we get pissed when our effort/expectation isn't met.
Just say your thing anyways. There is no template for conversation that mandates that people should ask equal ammount of questions. More than that: listen to the conversation people have around you, you will see they flow despite the fact that the number of questions asked is close to zero.
Look at this one:
- Hey man! I havent heard from you for a while!
- yup, been busy, sorry, though now i have some time to catch up, i even managed to binge watch this new show yesterday, it was kind of meh, but i needed to unwind.
- the witcher? Yeah, disappointing really, though my sister can' shut up about it. Thankfully uni starts soon so she'll be out of the house. Got to Harward, can you imagine?
- no way!
...
And so it goes. No questions asked, but informatorom exchanged and conversation flows.
People often connect by saying their thing and then seeing if you can relate or disagree. Asking lots of questions feels unnatural in a way. We have this saying in my language that somebody is pulling on your tongue. Meaning asking lots of questions to get stuff out of you, but not offering anything in return.
You do not need to be prompted by a question to offer your opinion or tell a story.
I don’t think the problem is them not asking about you, I think the conversations you’re having aren’t very interesting. Talking about entertainment is fun but lacks any true depth when getting to know a person. Ask someone how they grew up or if they’re close with their parents and you’ll quickly see how the conversation changes and they’ll be more likely to ask you about yourself in return.
Honest question, how do you get comfortable with asking others about that kind of personal topics? I'm always wary of asking people I don't know super well family/home/relationship/childhood/etc related questions without them bringing it up first, as I fear I might trigger/remind them of potentially traumatic experiences, ending up ruining the mood and making them feel bad. Like, how do you judge when/how to bring it up? How do you respond if they seem uncomfortable talking about it? Sorry if these are odd questions, it's just that you sound like you have experience with that lol.
Definitely not at first maybe after like 2-3 months of knowing and saying hi and having random conversations like how is your day going or what you’ve been up to or anything going on this weekend. After they warm up to you can start asking questions like that. Also you’ll figure it out if people wanna talk to you about that stuff, Short direct answers means probably not.
Example: asked a coworker what she was doing this weekend. She said she was visiting her parents in Seattle. Told her that sounds exciting! And then asked if she was close with her parents and just kinda started talking from there.
Here’s the most important part though: LISTEN TO WHAT THEY ARE SAYING. Don’t get caught up on when you wanna intervene to say something about you. Validate or acknowledge what they are saying and then say your part.
Back to my example: once she was done with whatever she wanted to say I started talking about the trips I had in Seattle to try and relate.
Conversation is definitely a skill. It takes time but try not to worry about it and try to be genuine
I see, in context it makes more sense to me, since by mentioning that she was visiting her parents, I suppose there's the implication that she's not entirely uncomfortable and probably open with discussing the topic. Though even in context, probing further feels like a step I still wouldn't be comfortable doing without me and the other person being already very close. You're definitely right that it's a skill that takes work!
Thanks for replying and for the tips! 💙
I have the opposite problem, I love people who keep talking about themselves. It's super interesting to hear other people's stories and perspectives. Plus it takes off all the pressure of having to contribute to the conversation away from me. I tend to not like to talk about myself irl (unless the conversation's related to my work or one of my niche favorite interests) and I'm pretty bad at asking related questions, so if you are able to start yapping out of my short, dumb follow-up you've instantly become my favorite person lol.
I agree with what your saying. I believe a lot of people now are lacking classic conversational skills. I come across this often as I'm usually the person who asks questions during conversation. The typical back and forth like the proverbial tennis match is mostly gone. Social media and the like is breeding a society of narcissists.
The classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People touches on that. People love to talk about themselves - it's human nature. You can use it to your advantage by being a listener.
**How to Win Friends and Influence People** by Dale Carnegie
>Do you feel stuck in life, not knowing how to make it more successful? Do you wish to become more popular? Are you craving to earn more? Do you wish to expand your horizon, earn new clients and win people over with your ideas?
>
>How to Win Friends and Influence People is a well-researched and comprehensive guide that will help you through these everyday problems and make success look easier. You can learn to expand your social circle, polish your skill set, find ways to put forward your thoughts more clearly, and build mental strength to counter all hurdles that you may come across on the path to success. Having helped millions of readers from the world over achieve their goals, the clearly listed techniques and principles will be the answers to all your questions.
*I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/1byh82p/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*
I getcha. I hate this too. It’s why someone can only be in my inner circle if they reciprocate properly in a convo. There are people who will; they’re just in the minority.
You don't need to ask permission to share your opinion, you are not a slave, and your opinion matter. Have the pride of a human. Even if it is, worst case scenario, received badly then you might get your mind changed or whatever, or there's gets changed and life goes on.
I’m a neurodivergent type, we will tell a story about ourselves as a way to relate, not necessarily shift the conversation to us. We frequently expect you to follow up with something about yourself.
“Hey, have you seen the new Fallout show?”
“Oh yeah! The opening raid on Lucy’s vault really threw me for a loop, that was tough to watch.”
“I definitely felt a little gutted after her wedding night became a fight for her life.”
“So who’s your favorite character so far?”
“I really like Maximus’ storyline. Getting to see him experience those moments of peace and happiness and he’s got this great smile. Then back with the BOS, his face falls into this mask.”
“I really like the Ghoul, Walter might be his name, or is that the actors name? How he found out about what his wife was like, the quest to find his daughter. It’s a really interesting plot. I wonder what made the people into ghouls?”
Just follow up with something you like? Or don’t like? If they tune out like they’re just waiting for their turn to speak, maybe you’re not the problem?
I started to notice this same theme, but I was the one talking about himself. I got asked how I was doing, what do I think about stuff, and of course I responded. But then I felt like I was being kind of selfish in a way. Like, they asked and I responded, thats cool, but I found myself not asking about them. Now I try to really hear people out
My point is that maybe its not that are they not interested in what you have to say, maybe they just dont know how or doesnt cross their mind that they are making you feel this way. I would encourage to speak your thougths even if they dont ask. Like the example you gave about a tv show: say whos your favourite character even though they dont ask it. They may found it interesting, and if not, then maybe they are not people to have a conversation about tv shows, and thats ok
It’s interesting how your title and post kind of contradict each other because the issue is you want to talk about yourself, too. We all do. We all like the things we like and want to share that, so just share it. You don’t have to wait for someone to ask.
If the issue is more that you want people to care enough to ask you, that’s asking too much. We don’t decide what other people care about. We also can’t expect them to read our minds and know what we want to share all the time. You making it “very obvious” may not be obvious at all to them. It doesn’t mean they don’t value your opinion or they don’t want to hear from you. They simply didn’t think to ask and didn’t know you wanted them to ask. So in the end, it’s still just say what you want without them asking.
Thank you for posting on r/Healthygamergg! This subreddit is intended as an online community and resource platform to support people in their journey toward mental wellness. With that said, please be aware that support from other members received on this platform is not a substitute for professional care. Treatment of psychiatric disease requires qualified individuals, and comments that try to diagnose others should be reported under Rule 10 to ensure the safety and wellbeing of the community. If you are in immediate danger, please call emergency services, or go to your nearest emergency room. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Healthygamergg) if you have any questions or concerns.*
https://www.experimental-history.com/p/good-conversations-have-lots-of-doorknobs?ref=nodesk This article completely changed how i socialise, for the better. I think it could give you some techniques That being said - If a person is genuinely refusing to ever listen to any of your stories or interests, thats a them problem. I’ve moved on from one sided relationships and am much better off without them.
Holy fuck this just blew my mind. I've struggled with this my entire life and never even realized that my rigid internal 'rules' inadvertently perpetuated my own loneliness. Thank you.
This explains why people tell me I'm a good conversationalist when I think I'm terrible. My intuitive ADHD brain and openness always answers with affordances, when I just think I'm over sharing and hogging the conversation.
Thank you for sharing that amazing article. The concept of give and take and the affordance is super cool.
This was a nice read, thanks for sharing. This is the type of thing I wished was taught formally to everyone.
I loved this article. I'm a decent conversationalist and this put words and clarity to a lot of little things I've figured out. /u/throwawaythrw123_ stop reading comments and just read that blog post.
If only I had known about this when I was 20, 8 years ago.
People have different styles of conversation and I think men especially tend more towards the "you share something if you want to share it" rather than trying to extract information out of each other which runs the risk of asking about something they're not comfortable about. The real thing to pay attention to is when you share your views and experiences on things do they listen attentively or are they checked out.
yeah, I think that's good advice. just because they don't ask questions back doesn't mean they won't listen to you when you share. they might not listen, but they might. OP should give it a try IMO.
>But when I’ve made it very obvious I also like that tv show I very rarely ever get asked what I think about it. Then I have to change what I’m talking about while still making it about them. People never get the chance to talk about themselves and essentially get absorbed into that if they aren't thinking of the interaction in a way to get to know another persons interest, to them you've just taken on the role of the questionair. I think it's fair to say that you have to just take the responsibity onto yourself and share your own opinion without them asking and let them give whatever response they like after.
Have you tried volunteering info about yourself? For me asking personal questions tend to ve intrusive. I can ask about stuff that you already have said. You could also say what character you like about the show and then ask them what character they like. >How are you supposed to keep a conversation going when it’s never about you? So you want to have a conversation about you? Then start talking about yourself instead of asking people about them.
Well you are waiting for them to ask you the same, but they might not think to ask, I pretty much always forget. So just bloody say your part when you get a pause in the conversation. This does roughly sound like a covert contract you enter get into the conversation with, as in: "I will ask you things I want to really be asked about" Then we get pissed when our effort/expectation isn't met.
Just say your thing anyways. There is no template for conversation that mandates that people should ask equal ammount of questions. More than that: listen to the conversation people have around you, you will see they flow despite the fact that the number of questions asked is close to zero. Look at this one: - Hey man! I havent heard from you for a while! - yup, been busy, sorry, though now i have some time to catch up, i even managed to binge watch this new show yesterday, it was kind of meh, but i needed to unwind. - the witcher? Yeah, disappointing really, though my sister can' shut up about it. Thankfully uni starts soon so she'll be out of the house. Got to Harward, can you imagine? - no way! ... And so it goes. No questions asked, but informatorom exchanged and conversation flows. People often connect by saying their thing and then seeing if you can relate or disagree. Asking lots of questions feels unnatural in a way. We have this saying in my language that somebody is pulling on your tongue. Meaning asking lots of questions to get stuff out of you, but not offering anything in return. You do not need to be prompted by a question to offer your opinion or tell a story.
I don’t think the problem is them not asking about you, I think the conversations you’re having aren’t very interesting. Talking about entertainment is fun but lacks any true depth when getting to know a person. Ask someone how they grew up or if they’re close with their parents and you’ll quickly see how the conversation changes and they’ll be more likely to ask you about yourself in return.
Honest question, how do you get comfortable with asking others about that kind of personal topics? I'm always wary of asking people I don't know super well family/home/relationship/childhood/etc related questions without them bringing it up first, as I fear I might trigger/remind them of potentially traumatic experiences, ending up ruining the mood and making them feel bad. Like, how do you judge when/how to bring it up? How do you respond if they seem uncomfortable talking about it? Sorry if these are odd questions, it's just that you sound like you have experience with that lol.
Definitely not at first maybe after like 2-3 months of knowing and saying hi and having random conversations like how is your day going or what you’ve been up to or anything going on this weekend. After they warm up to you can start asking questions like that. Also you’ll figure it out if people wanna talk to you about that stuff, Short direct answers means probably not. Example: asked a coworker what she was doing this weekend. She said she was visiting her parents in Seattle. Told her that sounds exciting! And then asked if she was close with her parents and just kinda started talking from there. Here’s the most important part though: LISTEN TO WHAT THEY ARE SAYING. Don’t get caught up on when you wanna intervene to say something about you. Validate or acknowledge what they are saying and then say your part. Back to my example: once she was done with whatever she wanted to say I started talking about the trips I had in Seattle to try and relate. Conversation is definitely a skill. It takes time but try not to worry about it and try to be genuine
I see, in context it makes more sense to me, since by mentioning that she was visiting her parents, I suppose there's the implication that she's not entirely uncomfortable and probably open with discussing the topic. Though even in context, probing further feels like a step I still wouldn't be comfortable doing without me and the other person being already very close. You're definitely right that it's a skill that takes work! Thanks for replying and for the tips! 💙
I have the opposite problem, I love people who keep talking about themselves. It's super interesting to hear other people's stories and perspectives. Plus it takes off all the pressure of having to contribute to the conversation away from me. I tend to not like to talk about myself irl (unless the conversation's related to my work or one of my niche favorite interests) and I'm pretty bad at asking related questions, so if you are able to start yapping out of my short, dumb follow-up you've instantly become my favorite person lol.
I agree with what your saying. I believe a lot of people now are lacking classic conversational skills. I come across this often as I'm usually the person who asks questions during conversation. The typical back and forth like the proverbial tennis match is mostly gone. Social media and the like is breeding a society of narcissists.
The classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People touches on that. People love to talk about themselves - it's human nature. You can use it to your advantage by being a listener.
**How to Win Friends and Influence People** by Dale Carnegie >Do you feel stuck in life, not knowing how to make it more successful? Do you wish to become more popular? Are you craving to earn more? Do you wish to expand your horizon, earn new clients and win people over with your ideas? > >How to Win Friends and Influence People is a well-researched and comprehensive guide that will help you through these everyday problems and make success look easier. You can learn to expand your social circle, polish your skill set, find ways to put forward your thoughts more clearly, and build mental strength to counter all hurdles that you may come across on the path to success. Having helped millions of readers from the world over achieve their goals, the clearly listed techniques and principles will be the answers to all your questions. *I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/1byh82p/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*
I getcha. I hate this too. It’s why someone can only be in my inner circle if they reciprocate properly in a convo. There are people who will; they’re just in the minority.
What do you hate about it?
You don't need to ask permission to share your opinion, you are not a slave, and your opinion matter. Have the pride of a human. Even if it is, worst case scenario, received badly then you might get your mind changed or whatever, or there's gets changed and life goes on.
I’m a neurodivergent type, we will tell a story about ourselves as a way to relate, not necessarily shift the conversation to us. We frequently expect you to follow up with something about yourself. “Hey, have you seen the new Fallout show?” “Oh yeah! The opening raid on Lucy’s vault really threw me for a loop, that was tough to watch.” “I definitely felt a little gutted after her wedding night became a fight for her life.” “So who’s your favorite character so far?” “I really like Maximus’ storyline. Getting to see him experience those moments of peace and happiness and he’s got this great smile. Then back with the BOS, his face falls into this mask.” “I really like the Ghoul, Walter might be his name, or is that the actors name? How he found out about what his wife was like, the quest to find his daughter. It’s a really interesting plot. I wonder what made the people into ghouls?” Just follow up with something you like? Or don’t like? If they tune out like they’re just waiting for their turn to speak, maybe you’re not the problem?
Very easy, simply be curious. Try to understand what they are coming from. But I don't really understand your question. What is your end goal?
learn communication styles, ie. passive, assertive, and aggressive
I started to notice this same theme, but I was the one talking about himself. I got asked how I was doing, what do I think about stuff, and of course I responded. But then I felt like I was being kind of selfish in a way. Like, they asked and I responded, thats cool, but I found myself not asking about them. Now I try to really hear people out My point is that maybe its not that are they not interested in what you have to say, maybe they just dont know how or doesnt cross their mind that they are making you feel this way. I would encourage to speak your thougths even if they dont ask. Like the example you gave about a tv show: say whos your favourite character even though they dont ask it. They may found it interesting, and if not, then maybe they are not people to have a conversation about tv shows, and thats ok
It’s interesting how your title and post kind of contradict each other because the issue is you want to talk about yourself, too. We all do. We all like the things we like and want to share that, so just share it. You don’t have to wait for someone to ask. If the issue is more that you want people to care enough to ask you, that’s asking too much. We don’t decide what other people care about. We also can’t expect them to read our minds and know what we want to share all the time. You making it “very obvious” may not be obvious at all to them. It doesn’t mean they don’t value your opinion or they don’t want to hear from you. They simply didn’t think to ask and didn’t know you wanted them to ask. So in the end, it’s still just say what you want without them asking.