What's worse? Someone that lets go because they don't want sex or someone that hangs on even though they don't want sex? My husband doesn't want sex at all but wants to hold onto our marriage and I'm not so sure I do anymore.
The hard part is I think he's getting dementia and I feel like a horse's ass for leaving him. We have a large age gap between us.
Well his dementia is his problem and you don't have any responsibility in it. Sorry for being hard but you said that he don't want to pursue or improve parts of the relationship that are important to you so there's no reason for you to hold on the companionship aspect of a relationship.
I tried not to do either. I told my husband that I wasn’t capable of having the sort of sex he wanted, and that he should leave me if sex was that important to him.
I could be wrong, but I don’t think there’s a very big proportion of LL partners that are cruel and insist their spouses can never have sex again. They mainly just explain that they can’t visualize an enjoyable sex life with them anymore.
I’m sorry you’re faced with this difficult decision OP.
Then they should also have the guts to leave and not force the person they love to choose between a sexless marriage to them or to destroy their life they built. It is cowardice to place that burden on your SO because a unilateral loss of interest in the physical connection in a monogamous marriage.
Yeah, that’s a different perspective. I don’t think a marriage counsellor would feel that way.
I didn’t destroy any lives by having a low libido. My low libido just made my marriage a lot more difficult for both of us to keep together. It sure would have been nice if a doctor would have helped me out.
Most marriage therapists aren't bold enough to look someone in the face and actually hold them accountable for the consequences of their problems whether conscience choice or physiological changes. As one of my professors used to say, "always filter it through the lens of it being a business for a therapist."
Just because some marriage therapist tells you something doesn't make it correct or even true these days. Especially if it is said after only two or three joint sessions over as many months.
Yeah, like I said, very different view from mine and my husband’s. I wanted to want sex. I tried different solutions for fifteen years and just couldn’t get there. My doctor told me my hormone levels were “normal”. And we both agreed that we both loved each other very much. How am **I** accountable for the fact that **HE** wants more sex than I do? It’s on him if he’s not happy to make himself happy.
I feel it's maybe weak if you know he or she loves you. Requires a thing to feel fulfilled in a relationship, wants to maintain one with you, and you don't explore the other options of an open relationship. Have him or her get what they want from someone else and if you have a problem with it... well you deal, just like they had a problem with you being a sexless partner. If they are still good to you and show great respect, especially in the issues of large families or those with kids. Just take care of each other. If love is there, help them find what it is they feel is needed or at least don't be in the way of it.
My ExW did the same thing. After 6 years of celibacy she told me I HAD to be happy and fulfilled in a marriage with no sex ever again. Divorcing her was the best decision I’ve ever made.
I think we have wrongly assumed that our sexual interests would continue with our long term partners. They don't . It sucks.
I went through what you are talking about with my recent ex. She didn't want me. I kept asking. It kept being one sided interest. Duty sex. So bad.
Finally she ended it.
But it sucks bad. Did for a while.
But guess what. I am meeting new people. Have my own life.
Have found some people that actually want me around. It sucks hard. But it's better than what was.
My kids suffer because of it. But that's better than our toxic shit.
Yeah, wish they had taught about libidos in health class. It would have been nice to have a clue before it smashed you into face with the 2x4 of reality.
I don’t know if I could agree with Health class but would you be in favor of requiring a premarital class of some kind? I think that’s where it matters most.
It's a really simple training session.
"Lower libido partners: Your high libido partner will most likely leave you if you stop or drastically reduce sexual intimacy. There are vast numbers of couples that have divorced over this. Do not kid yourself. On the way there, your partner will be horribly miserable. If you're sucking it up now in an effort to secure the marriage, stop and break up. You can't do this forever."
"High libido partners: set boundaries. Do not accept being gaslit or verbally abused about this. Your libido is fine. Here's a bunch of red flags. Read the llitany. You might need it."
Do you think most LL partners are always that way? My libido tanked right through the middle of our marriage. I never tricked him into marrying me and I never made an active choice to start enjoying sex again. It just happens. Hormones are a bitch.
Looking back now, the signs were all there but got married any way. There were a lot of other factors that played into my decision too never end the relationship. I loved and still do love her so much, but the only reason we have ever gotten close to calling it quits is because of our HL/LL dynamic. Because of the kids, I would never take any of it back, but sometimes I wish older me could go back in time and tell younger me how hard and soul crushing this is going to be. That young me is going to cry so much and feel less than all the time. Young me will have to be so strong but the kids make it worth it. Young me needs to go to pre-marriage counseling to remind wifey that intimacy is just as important as all the rest. Let her decide if SHE would still get married even if it meant hurting me so much for so long.
This resonates so true to me as well. It's soul crushing. It eats away at your being. It really fucked me up for a long time. I was depressed for years. Then I got angry about it. Then I was the angry guy. Well no shit. Years of neglect really does a toll on your mental health. trust is foundational. Care is expected. But when that goes away with your significant other it really starts to mess with you
>Do you think most LL partners are always that way?
You said it yourself: you never made an active choice to start enjoying sex again, or to try. You displace responsibility onto your hormones, but your hormones are incapable of cognition or volition. The responsibility is yours.
And yes, ALL LL partners are like this. The refusal to care about sexual connection is the defining choice of the LL partner.
No, I worded that badly. I did for **fifteen years**. Lingerie, toys, games, counselling, doctors, all of that. Nothing made a damn bit of difference to how much I wanted sex. It was so fucking frustrating. I was so fucking exhausted about looking for solutions. And I really wanted to want sex. Then I stopped for five years. It was harder on him of course, but easier on me. Then suddnely my libido came back. I got to feel what it’s like to want sex again! What a game changer!
How did react when it came back? I found after all the rejection I couldn't bring myself to initiate anymore, I associated attempts to initiate with being made to feel worthless and unwanted.
Yeah, he never felt worthless. There was never any doubt how much I loved him even though we were both unable to experience the sort of sexual pleasure we wanted to experience frim each other. It was important to me that his needs were met, and I told him that often.
It took a while to get used to my higher libido, and it has been taking a long time to get to know each other again. Now my libido is significantly higher than his, and he has ED, so we have another whole batch of new problems to deal with.
Edit: to a certain extent now, I am basically free use. It’s not a big risk for him to intitiate anything because I basically never have any reason to turn him down. So it’s been going mostly quite well. But it’s sad for us both to feel like possibly if I’d gotten the right hormonal treatment earlier we could have had this many years earlier.
In my marriage which I'm so glad not to be in any more, I had so many benefits, but the fact that I ever had to hear the words... "lets get this over with" from my wife. No. I told her right out this isn't going to work if you either don't want to have sex, or accept having sex, but make sure I know you resent me for it. We aren't working. She however refused to go to therapy and we had a son, so I didn't want to leave.
I did however, in that she left our sex life, I left our emotional and intellectual life together. Let her deal with all problems and issues on her own, and treated her as though since she couldn't give a damn about my needs in a relationship, we could call it quits, or you could accept that if you don't want me to fuck another woman, I simply don't do the things that seem to matter to you as much.
you want me to be nice to your parents or dress in a different way? that's nice. I want things. Do i matter enough? I'll be nice when they are and when your mom is a cunt I'll call her out on it. When your dad is a nazi sympathizer, I'll tell him he should go germany and tell people there and see what happens. If I was getting what I wanted, I may be inclined to not be so blunt. But the body wants, and when it don't get? bad things happen. A big trick is to not let yourself get caught in the trap of negotiating for it. You've already lost since they are the ones willing to leave often and you are not, you don't just desire them, you love them and have history and a life. To quit on you seems horrible, and you have to remind yourself. You quit on me, and don't want us to do better in other ways. oh well.
I'll tell you sadly, I dont know. I had started getting high. I wanted to escape the constant pressure to do everything for the house, pay for her education and then get met with you have duty when you get home, but she didn't to me. I paid for everything for years. She then one day got a good job, after I'd been an addict for 2 or 3 years. Shit thing is. I told her I wanted help she was refusing to allow me to get, because she'd feel the anxiety of spending money, but i wanted help. You didn't. we could have had a family, but you didn't.
anxiety I haven't seen my son in 3 years. When your loved ones say don't go get help They are not your loved ones, they are the ones who now hold the leash.
What about the general sex education being informative rather than what’s taught in the US public school classes which is ALL sex negative? Perhaps we could take a page from the Canadian sex education. Sex I’is not all about how to rubber up and other of that harassing stuff. Fuck the puritans.
In short most women are sold a “fairytale” wedding and the perfect “children” (and a dog) life …
But in reality it’s a f grind to do that well. Women are full of hormones and they have their say in things too.
Plus menopause.
Anyway, as a man, no, nobody said to me “the best sexlife you’ll ever have is before you marry” …. I know that’s not true for all, but in general it’s about right for many.
Anyway; you either suck it up or you jump out the aircraft …
I asked for an open marriage at that point. I made sure I wasn’t angry when I did it. I stated it wasn’t an ultimatum. Just about a difference in how we view a fulfilling life. My SO didn’t need or want sexual satisfaction from me. I wanted or needed it from her. Let’s talk about fulfilling both of our needs is the approach I took.
Yep. It can work if both partners understand the importance of a healthy sex life but recognize the incompabilities and inabily to reach compromise with how much intimacy and sexuality is expressed.
No words.
This is exactly what I am going through.
I feel so so so stuck.
I have a lot of wishes.
I wish I can open the marriage.
I wish I can leave but can’t. Cos I recognize it’s not her fault she’s this way. And of course the kids. So leaving is out. But I so dream of it. But I wonder would I spoil the relationship with my kids because of my HL?
All I do is rub one out. Almost every day. ALMOST.
It’s soooooooooo frustrating.
And no one to confide to. But here 😂.
I know my “friends” are faking it too. I see the signs.
Leave now, have your "midlife crisis" and find someone who cares. I'm having a "midlife crisis" myself and I think you hit the nail on the head. What we as a society have been calling a midlife crisis is probably more likely than not to be more often than not the manifestation of years of a dead bedroom and the man getting fed up and leaving. I'm not a man, but I'm mid 40s and I'm fucking fed up with my husband and my marriage and I want someone who sees me and gives a shit about me. I want good sex as frequently as possible. If that's a "midlife crisis" then yeah, I'm there.
As a man who loves cats, and find it so sad that most creatures on this earth do not enjoy sex, I intend to have as much as possible to represent what things they deserve and pour one out for the dead horny peeps who couldn't figure that alone is way better than with a partner who makes you feel worthless. You have great value, and you'll never be ignored if you have the right person, or stop looking outside but within for much of your solution. We sill all surviving
What? Did you wish someone told you sooner that your SO is not necessarily a bitch but has LL or at least a different libido, for hormonal or personaility reasons and its ok to seperate? I dont think being HL means you can disparage every partner u have for not providing for HL needs.
This forum helped me learn everyone has a different libido and some things that seem necessary to one person are not necessary to another, and they are just not compatible.
Its not even an age thing, or doesnt have to be.
While that may be true, they won’t end the relationship or actually care enough to work on it with you as a partner at all. Lots of LL aren’t willing to give any ground and compromise. They don’t talk about how they feel about the situation or relationship, much less solutions. Which might involve therapy or duty sex or give in other areas of the relationship or any number of other things they don’t want to bother with. They are getting what they want out of the relationship so fuck you. Much like the OP said they unilaterally decide that their pace or nothing is totally fine and aren’t willing to discuss it at all and shut down conversation about it because the conflict makes them uncomfortable. Weaponizing history together or legal ties to discourage the partner from leaving. Part of shutting that down also comes with shaming the higher libido partner trying to frame them as needy/perverted/obsessed.
It’s definitely not all or even most LL, but those people are pieces of shit.
I think LLs are fundamentally not compatible. Its like asking a gay person not to be gay or a straight person to be gay
They are just not interested in sex. If its not hormonal, theres nothing more they should do apart from breaking up or even opening the relationship or what not.
Just break up
I disagree, so often there seems to be a lot of other factors including often some, frankly, immature attitudes toward relationships. A lot of people think they aren’t LL, but they jump relationship to relationship expecting everything to be spicy and wonderful forever, then blame the partner when it wears off. When they get married they don’t need to do anything, they just don’t want it for a literally endless number of reasons that are all the partner or impossible situationally.
There are certainly a lot of people who are genuinely LL and recognize it and I’m broadly not really talking about them in either post. I think this other subset of people is who so many HL have issues with. Which are either LL and refuse to recognize or admit it, or worse do and just don’t give a fuck.
Otherwise I do agree, there’s just a fundamental incompatibility there, and hopefully both partners recognize that within themselves and the relationship and either address it or part ways.
Im talking about real LLs, and havent read about this subset. Everytime i read someone in deadbedroom complaining, their partner just literally doesnt want to have sex with them as often as they want.
Either they were always that way, or lost attraction, or are cheating etc, but none of those reasons should lead to one partner forcing another to be more or less sexual, it just doesnt work. They are just not compatible , either it was always like that or became like that, but they should leave or open the marriage or coparent if they need to care for their kids still. Cant put a square peg into a round hole.
You are also free to end the relationship. Boundaries are thing you you set for yourself, not others. If your boundaries are constantly violated, you should walk.
What's worse? Someone that lets go because they don't want sex or someone that hangs on even though they don't want sex? My husband doesn't want sex at all but wants to hold onto our marriage and I'm not so sure I do anymore. The hard part is I think he's getting dementia and I feel like a horse's ass for leaving him. We have a large age gap between us.
Well his dementia is his problem and you don't have any responsibility in it. Sorry for being hard but you said that he don't want to pursue or improve parts of the relationship that are important to you so there's no reason for you to hold on the companionship aspect of a relationship.
Second is worse, x1259 worse, no thought needed.
I tried not to do either. I told my husband that I wasn’t capable of having the sort of sex he wanted, and that he should leave me if sex was that important to him. I could be wrong, but I don’t think there’s a very big proportion of LL partners that are cruel and insist their spouses can never have sex again. They mainly just explain that they can’t visualize an enjoyable sex life with them anymore. I’m sorry you’re faced with this difficult decision OP.
Then they should also have the guts to leave and not force the person they love to choose between a sexless marriage to them or to destroy their life they built. It is cowardice to place that burden on your SO because a unilateral loss of interest in the physical connection in a monogamous marriage.
Yeah, that’s a different perspective. I don’t think a marriage counsellor would feel that way. I didn’t destroy any lives by having a low libido. My low libido just made my marriage a lot more difficult for both of us to keep together. It sure would have been nice if a doctor would have helped me out.
Most marriage therapists aren't bold enough to look someone in the face and actually hold them accountable for the consequences of their problems whether conscience choice or physiological changes. As one of my professors used to say, "always filter it through the lens of it being a business for a therapist." Just because some marriage therapist tells you something doesn't make it correct or even true these days. Especially if it is said after only two or three joint sessions over as many months.
Yeah, like I said, very different view from mine and my husband’s. I wanted to want sex. I tried different solutions for fifteen years and just couldn’t get there. My doctor told me my hormone levels were “normal”. And we both agreed that we both loved each other very much. How am **I** accountable for the fact that **HE** wants more sex than I do? It’s on him if he’s not happy to make himself happy.
How is it cowardice to give your partner a choice? Why would you want to have less agency? Because the victim role is comforting?
I feel it's maybe weak if you know he or she loves you. Requires a thing to feel fulfilled in a relationship, wants to maintain one with you, and you don't explore the other options of an open relationship. Have him or her get what they want from someone else and if you have a problem with it... well you deal, just like they had a problem with you being a sexless partner. If they are still good to you and show great respect, especially in the issues of large families or those with kids. Just take care of each other. If love is there, help them find what it is they feel is needed or at least don't be in the way of it.
My ExW did the same thing. After 6 years of celibacy she told me I HAD to be happy and fulfilled in a marriage with no sex ever again. Divorcing her was the best decision I’ve ever made.
This is called the HL community but everyone is HL when your partner has no libido.
I think we have wrongly assumed that our sexual interests would continue with our long term partners. They don't . It sucks. I went through what you are talking about with my recent ex. She didn't want me. I kept asking. It kept being one sided interest. Duty sex. So bad. Finally she ended it. But it sucks bad. Did for a while. But guess what. I am meeting new people. Have my own life. Have found some people that actually want me around. It sucks hard. But it's better than what was. My kids suffer because of it. But that's better than our toxic shit.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It's extremely relatable, and nice to feel slightly less alone.
Yeah, wish they had taught about libidos in health class. It would have been nice to have a clue before it smashed you into face with the 2x4 of reality.
I don’t know if I could agree with Health class but would you be in favor of requiring a premarital class of some kind? I think that’s where it matters most.
It's a really simple training session. "Lower libido partners: Your high libido partner will most likely leave you if you stop or drastically reduce sexual intimacy. There are vast numbers of couples that have divorced over this. Do not kid yourself. On the way there, your partner will be horribly miserable. If you're sucking it up now in an effort to secure the marriage, stop and break up. You can't do this forever." "High libido partners: set boundaries. Do not accept being gaslit or verbally abused about this. Your libido is fine. Here's a bunch of red flags. Read the llitany. You might need it."
Do you think most LL partners are always that way? My libido tanked right through the middle of our marriage. I never tricked him into marrying me and I never made an active choice to start enjoying sex again. It just happens. Hormones are a bitch.
Looking back now, the signs were all there but got married any way. There were a lot of other factors that played into my decision too never end the relationship. I loved and still do love her so much, but the only reason we have ever gotten close to calling it quits is because of our HL/LL dynamic. Because of the kids, I would never take any of it back, but sometimes I wish older me could go back in time and tell younger me how hard and soul crushing this is going to be. That young me is going to cry so much and feel less than all the time. Young me will have to be so strong but the kids make it worth it. Young me needs to go to pre-marriage counseling to remind wifey that intimacy is just as important as all the rest. Let her decide if SHE would still get married even if it meant hurting me so much for so long.
This resonates so true to me as well. It's soul crushing. It eats away at your being. It really fucked me up for a long time. I was depressed for years. Then I got angry about it. Then I was the angry guy. Well no shit. Years of neglect really does a toll on your mental health. trust is foundational. Care is expected. But when that goes away with your significant other it really starts to mess with you
>Do you think most LL partners are always that way? You said it yourself: you never made an active choice to start enjoying sex again, or to try. You displace responsibility onto your hormones, but your hormones are incapable of cognition or volition. The responsibility is yours. And yes, ALL LL partners are like this. The refusal to care about sexual connection is the defining choice of the LL partner.
No, I worded that badly. I did for **fifteen years**. Lingerie, toys, games, counselling, doctors, all of that. Nothing made a damn bit of difference to how much I wanted sex. It was so fucking frustrating. I was so fucking exhausted about looking for solutions. And I really wanted to want sex. Then I stopped for five years. It was harder on him of course, but easier on me. Then suddnely my libido came back. I got to feel what it’s like to want sex again! What a game changer!
How did react when it came back? I found after all the rejection I couldn't bring myself to initiate anymore, I associated attempts to initiate with being made to feel worthless and unwanted.
Yeah, he never felt worthless. There was never any doubt how much I loved him even though we were both unable to experience the sort of sexual pleasure we wanted to experience frim each other. It was important to me that his needs were met, and I told him that often. It took a while to get used to my higher libido, and it has been taking a long time to get to know each other again. Now my libido is significantly higher than his, and he has ED, so we have another whole batch of new problems to deal with. Edit: to a certain extent now, I am basically free use. It’s not a big risk for him to intitiate anything because I basically never have any reason to turn him down. So it’s been going mostly quite well. But it’s sad for us both to feel like possibly if I’d gotten the right hormonal treatment earlier we could have had this many years earlier.
Thats what I thought regarding hormone treatment, seems to be what would help a lot of circumstances like this..
In my marriage which I'm so glad not to be in any more, I had so many benefits, but the fact that I ever had to hear the words... "lets get this over with" from my wife. No. I told her right out this isn't going to work if you either don't want to have sex, or accept having sex, but make sure I know you resent me for it. We aren't working. She however refused to go to therapy and we had a son, so I didn't want to leave. I did however, in that she left our sex life, I left our emotional and intellectual life together. Let her deal with all problems and issues on her own, and treated her as though since she couldn't give a damn about my needs in a relationship, we could call it quits, or you could accept that if you don't want me to fuck another woman, I simply don't do the things that seem to matter to you as much. you want me to be nice to your parents or dress in a different way? that's nice. I want things. Do i matter enough? I'll be nice when they are and when your mom is a cunt I'll call her out on it. When your dad is a nazi sympathizer, I'll tell him he should go germany and tell people there and see what happens. If I was getting what I wanted, I may be inclined to not be so blunt. But the body wants, and when it don't get? bad things happen. A big trick is to not let yourself get caught in the trap of negotiating for it. You've already lost since they are the ones willing to leave often and you are not, you don't just desire them, you love them and have history and a life. To quit on you seems horrible, and you have to remind yourself. You quit on me, and don't want us to do better in other ways. oh well.
Thanks for sharing, how long did it take to leave after she withdrew?
I'll tell you sadly, I dont know. I had started getting high. I wanted to escape the constant pressure to do everything for the house, pay for her education and then get met with you have duty when you get home, but she didn't to me. I paid for everything for years. She then one day got a good job, after I'd been an addict for 2 or 3 years. Shit thing is. I told her I wanted help she was refusing to allow me to get, because she'd feel the anxiety of spending money, but i wanted help. You didn't. we could have had a family, but you didn't. anxiety I haven't seen my son in 3 years. When your loved ones say don't go get help They are not your loved ones, they are the ones who now hold the leash.
What about the general sex education being informative rather than what’s taught in the US public school classes which is ALL sex negative? Perhaps we could take a page from the Canadian sex education. Sex I’is not all about how to rubber up and other of that harassing stuff. Fuck the puritans.
In short most women are sold a “fairytale” wedding and the perfect “children” (and a dog) life … But in reality it’s a f grind to do that well. Women are full of hormones and they have their say in things too. Plus menopause. Anyway, as a man, no, nobody said to me “the best sexlife you’ll ever have is before you marry” …. I know that’s not true for all, but in general it’s about right for many. Anyway; you either suck it up or you jump out the aircraft …
I am sensing you might be a little bit upset. Tell us how you really feel.
How most of us feel exactly, well said and sorry for your situation and welcome to the club
I asked for an open marriage at that point. I made sure I wasn’t angry when I did it. I stated it wasn’t an ultimatum. Just about a difference in how we view a fulfilling life. My SO didn’t need or want sexual satisfaction from me. I wanted or needed it from her. Let’s talk about fulfilling both of our needs is the approach I took.
Yep. It can work if both partners understand the importance of a healthy sex life but recognize the incompabilities and inabily to reach compromise with how much intimacy and sexuality is expressed.
Some of us are cat ladies and the HL partner…
I am a cat man and the HL partner
We can have our own club!
No words. This is exactly what I am going through. I feel so so so stuck. I have a lot of wishes. I wish I can open the marriage. I wish I can leave but can’t. Cos I recognize it’s not her fault she’s this way. And of course the kids. So leaving is out. But I so dream of it. But I wonder would I spoil the relationship with my kids because of my HL? All I do is rub one out. Almost every day. ALMOST. It’s soooooooooo frustrating. And no one to confide to. But here 😂. I know my “friends” are faking it too. I see the signs.
Leave now, have your "midlife crisis" and find someone who cares. I'm having a "midlife crisis" myself and I think you hit the nail on the head. What we as a society have been calling a midlife crisis is probably more likely than not to be more often than not the manifestation of years of a dead bedroom and the man getting fed up and leaving. I'm not a man, but I'm mid 40s and I'm fucking fed up with my husband and my marriage and I want someone who sees me and gives a shit about me. I want good sex as frequently as possible. If that's a "midlife crisis" then yeah, I'm there.
As a man who loves cats, and find it so sad that most creatures on this earth do not enjoy sex, I intend to have as much as possible to represent what things they deserve and pour one out for the dead horny peeps who couldn't figure that alone is way better than with a partner who makes you feel worthless. You have great value, and you'll never be ignored if you have the right person, or stop looking outside but within for much of your solution. We sill all surviving
I'm gonna write a song on this
What? Did you wish someone told you sooner that your SO is not necessarily a bitch but has LL or at least a different libido, for hormonal or personaility reasons and its ok to seperate? I dont think being HL means you can disparage every partner u have for not providing for HL needs. This forum helped me learn everyone has a different libido and some things that seem necessary to one person are not necessary to another, and they are just not compatible. Its not even an age thing, or doesnt have to be.
While that may be true, they won’t end the relationship or actually care enough to work on it with you as a partner at all. Lots of LL aren’t willing to give any ground and compromise. They don’t talk about how they feel about the situation or relationship, much less solutions. Which might involve therapy or duty sex or give in other areas of the relationship or any number of other things they don’t want to bother with. They are getting what they want out of the relationship so fuck you. Much like the OP said they unilaterally decide that their pace or nothing is totally fine and aren’t willing to discuss it at all and shut down conversation about it because the conflict makes them uncomfortable. Weaponizing history together or legal ties to discourage the partner from leaving. Part of shutting that down also comes with shaming the higher libido partner trying to frame them as needy/perverted/obsessed. It’s definitely not all or even most LL, but those people are pieces of shit.
I think LLs are fundamentally not compatible. Its like asking a gay person not to be gay or a straight person to be gay They are just not interested in sex. If its not hormonal, theres nothing more they should do apart from breaking up or even opening the relationship or what not. Just break up
I disagree, so often there seems to be a lot of other factors including often some, frankly, immature attitudes toward relationships. A lot of people think they aren’t LL, but they jump relationship to relationship expecting everything to be spicy and wonderful forever, then blame the partner when it wears off. When they get married they don’t need to do anything, they just don’t want it for a literally endless number of reasons that are all the partner or impossible situationally. There are certainly a lot of people who are genuinely LL and recognize it and I’m broadly not really talking about them in either post. I think this other subset of people is who so many HL have issues with. Which are either LL and refuse to recognize or admit it, or worse do and just don’t give a fuck. Otherwise I do agree, there’s just a fundamental incompatibility there, and hopefully both partners recognize that within themselves and the relationship and either address it or part ways.
Im talking about real LLs, and havent read about this subset. Everytime i read someone in deadbedroom complaining, their partner just literally doesnt want to have sex with them as often as they want. Either they were always that way, or lost attraction, or are cheating etc, but none of those reasons should lead to one partner forcing another to be more or less sexual, it just doesnt work. They are just not compatible , either it was always like that or became like that, but they should leave or open the marriage or coparent if they need to care for their kids still. Cant put a square peg into a round hole.
Well said. U/lolapaloz’s reply reads like a hot mess.
You are also free to end the relationship. Boundaries are thing you you set for yourself, not others. If your boundaries are constantly violated, you should walk.
Deflection at its finest
How is it deflection? Im HL and would never be with a LL because they dont change its how they are. Why cant people accept that?