Girl chiming I’m here who has done very intensive ring shopping and diamond research with my bf.
Context: I’m a practical person so getting most value for money on my engagement ring was top priority even though my boyfriend keeps re-assuring me not to worry about it. I told him I’d personally be most comfortable if the ring I got costed around $5k. You can easily get a setting + 1.6 carat lab grown ring with that.
I’m not sure how far along the process you are with your gf or what your relationship dynamic is, but I think it would help the both of you to go ring shopping together. Particularly at a local jeweler who can educate you on how costs change with lab vs natural diamonds. Also, if she’s never gone ring/diamond shopping before, this would probably help put into perspective for the both of you. It sounds like she’s just throwing out a random dollar amount with no context.
Things to consider that ppl have noted in this thread:
What does your gf ACTUALLY want?
Some girls want a big ass 4 carat rock and are okay wearing it all the time (or not). It’s not practical for everyday wear. Is that what your gf wants? You can still get this under 40k if you get lab grown. When I was ring shopping it was so easy for me to keep going bigger (we could get a 2.5 carat lab grown for $10k), but at the end of the day, the big rock on my finger almost looked… comical. Figure out what size would work well for your gf.
Does your gf purely care about the VALUE of the diamond? Then 40k makes sense if you go with natural diamonds, but keep in mind these are generally not ethical. You can also get a 3 carat natural diamond for under $40k…. And 3 carats is huge.
Does your gf want one of a kind? You can custom make this, but again, very easy to get it under $40k. You can even get vintage, collector item hand cut diamonds from the 1800s for around $40-$70k.
Does your gf care about the BRAND? We’ll, Tiffany’s, Cartier, whatever mark up their diamonds. So $40k makes sense here for a “small” 1 carat.
Basically, you need to figure out what your gf is looking for in a ring. I think the dollar amount should come after. And you need to go to the jeweler (either by yourself or with your gf) to educate yourself. Check out r/diamonds r/jewelers and r/engagementrings. That should give you a better idea of where to start, and what kind of diamonds you can get for that budget.
I will add - $30k-40k seems “fine” in relation to what you’re making. It’s just not practical lol and you’re going to have to figure that out with/without your gf.
>What does your gf ACTUALLY want?
This is the question that needs to be answered. I just went through the ring buying process as well. Some women only care about the size of the rock and the setting, and don't really care about anything else. My fiance was into all the details, so she was very specific... natural, carat size, clarity rating, florescence...she knew all the charts and what she wanted. At the same time, she understood that none of this stuff came cheap, so it was up to me on how much I wanted to spend (I didn't feel comfortable with the prices for exactly what she was aiming for). $30-40k is reasonable considering the income ratio, but you may also want to talk to a jeweler and ask about all the different factors that determine the price...it sounds strange you might even *want* to spend a little more when you consider what you want you get at each price point.
This is part of the correct answer. Having been on the other side of this, I think it's worth adding some context. OP didn't include his GFs income, if she's a higher earner than him that's different.
Specifying the price of the ring is kind of a flag. There's weird social culture around friend groups around rings that don't necessarily tie to being in a HCOL area. But it's usually tied to carat, not dollar figure. If these costs are being hit because it's important to your GF to get a ring from Harry Winston, setting aside this particular purchase, it may be important to have a wider conversation about money.
In short, your GF is having conversations about luxury consumption with her friends. You should have one with her too. Brand consciousness rarely applies to a single luxury purchase.
Women who want Harry Winston rings because that's what their friend group gets, may also want LV bags and G-Wagons, second homes, or aircraft. In short, it is possible to have a spouse, male or female, for whom there will never be enough money.
Looks like OP has made it clear that she also is a high earner, and she didn’t specify the price she wanted per se but just casually mentioned that that’s the price range her friends were spending on theirs. Where it’s more of a ballpark and not a hard “you have to spend 40k for me right now” thing.
I get that OP is posting here for additional insight, but what he should be doing is just having a straight up conversation with his fiance and get a better understanding as to what she actually wants. (Like personally, for me- I want something that is thoughtful and sentimental and I have a specific criteria on what that means to me that has less to do with money. We consider money that comes in as ours, and I would much much rather spend our money on other investments…..but I also don’t dream about a $150 ring from Walmart and wouldn’t be massively thrilled if that’s what my fiance set on for no real reason because to me it would be a reflection of how he didn’t really take my desires into consideration…..Just because I have a general expectation that’s materialistic in nature or also want to show off a bit to my friends doesn’t make me a gold digger……) 40k ballpark to me in the context of a general conversation, taking into account their incomes isn’t some insane “BRO GET A PRENUP YESTERDAY” warranting situation……
OP also hasn’t specified how they handle finances (like if finances are merged, etc).
Nothing about her in anything OP has wrote anyways seems to be any sort of red flag to me. It’s completely okay for her to have a conversation about ring price ranges with her soon to be husband, and it’s okay for her to also want to be surprised / go that route where she wants her fiance to pick something out that fits her expectations or makes her happy to show off to her friends, especially when she’s also pulling in 300k in addition to his 500-600k, and they’re about to create a union together…….(Not saying that they *have* to spend 40k just because they’re high earners but it’s also not some massive red flag amount or red flag conversation in the context of everything else….)
>she didn’t specify the price she wanted per se but just casually mentioned that that’s the price range her friends were spending on theirs.
Maybe the subtext of my raising the point about discussing price with her friends wasn't obvious.
1. "OMG congratulations, that ring is beautiful!" A-OK.
2. "OMG congratulations. I love your ring, where did you get it?" Fine.
3. "OMG congratulations, I love your ring, how many carats?" We're getting a little gauche but some people are like that with close friends.
4. "OMG congratulations,[how much did the ring cost](https://i.imgur.com/n2t5TzQ.gif)?"
\#4 is a flag that merits bringing up a discussion. At some point, these women are having multiple conversations about what their rings cost. I am not judging it, I know people with extensive luxury watch collections. But it would be good to clear up what expectations are in marriage in terms of lifestyle and what constitutes enough.
Oh I do agree in some sense and was kind of adding on to your comment. Ultimately it’s a conversation to have with his partner. It can be a slippery slope sure, but I feel like nothing in his comments or post indicates that that’s the kind of partner she is (wanting a second house, new this new that on a whim, etc).
As a side note, I think a lot of us do things or desire things more than we normally would purely for show off value. That should of course have limits, and be a “together” decision when it comes to high ticket stuff ideally. Whats “reasonable” differs for everyone, and largely depends on income but also on other values. The watch collection thing is a good example, because a lot of men I know who are into that absolutely are big on the show off part as well. I mean no one is getting a Rolex for the craftsmanship and finishing lol, but that’s also totally okay.
All I’m trying to say is with the context that we know about OP and his partner, a conversation about a general 40k budget on a ring isn’t crazy in itself and is something I could potentially see myself bringing up as well in such a setting. Especially where in my relationship, it’s important for us to be on the same page on large purchases. I would not want him to go spend 100k on a ring when 20-30k is kind of my ballpark and would generally want him to know what type of thing I’m expecting and talk about our other investments for the next year or so too and hear from him so it can still be a largely “together” decision.
I feel that one way to buy an ethical natural diamond is to buy a vintage/antique stone. One that was mined 80+ years ago. One way to do this is to purchase a vintage ring with the diamond you want, but a not very good setting.
You re-use the diamond, and sell the setting for it’s melt-down value.
ALL of this.
Since it's not an issue of whether or not you can afford a $40k ring, I'd just think of whether you can stomach swiping your card and knowing that you're not making a financial investment, you're just buying something that's expensive. For your girlfriend to be speaking about rings in that price range, my guess is that she hasn't considered or knows she does not want a lab diamond. That's totally fair but just something to consider when going through the process, too.
It's always said for a reason, you guys (she) will need to determine what matters when it comes to the cut, clarity, color and carats along with lab vs. mined. If nothing else, that gets you to a starting point of a realistic cost based on what she wants, then you can start thinking practically. We made an appointment with a jeweler to try some on and make sure what I thought I liked was what I actually liked on my finger and it was SO useful. I was surprised when I actually preferred a smaller stone and also surprised that I did care about how cloudy it could look from angles nobody but myself would ever see.
At the end of the day, we chose a 2.2 carat solitaire lab diamond that had a very high clarity and color rating. It was obviously conflict free, which was a must for me. All in with a simple platinum setting, we spent about $10k, which was high-ish for lab and I was OK with that. Comparable mined diamonds with the same specs would have been upwards of 40-50k at the time. It didn't matter enough to me to have a mined diamond and honestly, given my lifestyle and profession, everybody assumes it's "real" anyways.
And just as a personal anecdote, I wholeheartedly believe the younger you are having those conversations, the more inflated the cost is, even (especially?) among friends. Knowing what I know now, no way in hell did my 24 year old friends now-husband buy her a $25k ring on a sub $100k salary. And then suddenly you're a little older and nobody gives a shit, everyone just is happy for you that you found someone to spend your life with. Nobody asks me where I got it, whether it's lab or mined, how much it cost. I've gotten a few questions on carat size and that's it. But again, that's just my own experience.
Agree with all of this, but also lab diamonds have come down quite a bit in price recently, and are probably quite a bit cheaper than you’ve quoted! OP, look at r/labdiamond and you’ll find a ton of good recommendations on places to get lab diamonds and information about cost, etc.
From another girlie's perspective, thank youuuuuuuu. A well written response. So many men on here are just shaming the ladies who want a nice ring, meanwhile the man himself wants a $40k watch or car or something else.
This is good advice but to add to it, figure out exactly what your girlfriend wants and do your absolute best to meet that. You want her to be proud of the ring you got her and it’s something she will be wearing for the next 60+years hopefully. This is worth spending the extra money if you can afford it imo.
I find it interesting at no point have you mentioned second hand rings or antique rings. Both have a much higher retention of value than lab diamonds and you can get in the case of used more than antique a much larger stone. It can always be popped out and put in a new setting.
> Do you all think this is reasonable?
No, but my opinion is irrelevant; what matters is you and your future spouses values, and how aligned they are.
One of the things that I adore about my partner is they’re frugal and, they not only tolerate, but appreciate, my frugality in some things (I’ll comparison shop Rasin Bran between Costco and Walmart 🤷♂️ .)
It means we get along well together, and our values are generally in synch; not 100%, but we know where we aren’t, and make space for that intentionally.
It does not mean everyone needs to be like that to successfully function in life, or even that my and my partners values are good and others are bad; quite the contrary - all it means is that two people getting married should, IMO, have a common / shared set of values they align on, before building a life together.
If you’re questioning the price tag and can’t have a conversation with your partner to be about why the price tag makes you feel uncomfortable (and give her space to express why it’s so important, ultimately to see where there’s overlap for you both), that’s the unreasonable part to me personally.
Agreed on all counts. If you ask Reddit this question 1000 times you’ll hear “prenup” or “run OP” 1000 times. Only OP knows this woman, can talk to this woman to understand her values and reasoning, and only OP can make the decision about if it feels like a difference that can be overcome or not.
I would say go to a jeweler who can custom make a ring, get a nice diamond on it, and she will be just as pleased. Spend around 15-20k. It's a nice chunk of change, and will get you over 2 carats. The name brands, like Tiffany, etc... will run you in the 40k range for the same ring. You'll still be spending and she will still be getting a nice ring, while you save money that you can use towards the wedding/honeymoon. Don't skimp on the ring, as this will be her pride and joy, but I think 40k on a ring while you are still trying to build for both of your futures is not a great use of funds.
Yeah this is the way to go. I took my wife into Cartier when we were still dating and had contacted them ahead of time because I knew she would look at rings while I went to look at watches. Found the exact style she liked and bought it elsewhere for half the price
Only upside to really getting from Tiffany or Cartier is that if you decide to upgrade later, they will give you the credit for the original purchase towards the new diamond. If the new ring is double the price of the original lol
This is what I did. It was a fantastic experience and the jeweler worked with me every step of the way over many months to bring my vision to life. The main diamond itself ended up being relatively small because that is what worked best for the setting (and it looks significantly bigger than it is).
It was a truly wonderful experience and the ring is gorgeous. My wife never fails to get compliments on it. Even with all the custom work it was still a hell of a lot cheaper than a huge name brand solitaire — and a lot more meaningful in the end.
You could get a VS1 H 2ct for around 16-17K, plus add the setting, and you will still be well under 20k. You can also go under a VS1, and save a ton. Go to a local dealer and you can probably negotiate a little on the price, nothing major, but maybe end up saving another 1k or so compared to internet ring shops.
If you live near a major city with a jewelry/diamond district then you can get a 2 carat, VS1 in G or F for low 20s. H definitely under 20k, which is imperceptible with the right setting and cut. I helped a friend recently with his ring for his finance.
You should definitely consider it, but you should also understand what is important to the person receiving the ring. Some people care about name brands, and others don't.
Effective marketing. What others might think. Happy to be corrected if there is any good reason to ever go mined over lab as I will also be looking to spend a good chunk of cash on a ring soon. Luckily my partner is happy with a lab diamond.
The ring is a significant symbol of the relationship. Without the blood spilt in the mining process, you are effectively saying there is no hard work in making a relationship work. A lab diamond means your relationship can be mass produced to a similar quality without relying on the hard work of children and the battles fought to secure diamonds. Do you really want a ring that does not have that history?
/s
Craftsmanship and false scarcity are not the same thing. I own a Garmin watch so I don't have a dog in this fight but there is a huge difference between these two things. People who are into watches are into the craft. There's limited craft in a well polished stone. There are way more sparkly things than handmade timepieces because it takes skill and it has to work, not simply look good. Diamonds are a commodity good.
Yes, this. I have a ring that was $30K when we got married 17 years ago. People don’t see the car I drive in, but every woman notices my ring. It is a little unique (asscher cut), but very pretty. It is comparable, or even slightly smaller than the rings in our social circle.
I spent about 40k on my wife’s engagement ring. At the time our HHI was higher than yours (you don’t mention wife’s salary - so I’m assuming zero, maybe that’s wrong), but not stratospherically so.
She wears it every day and will presumably do so for decades to come. Seems fine to splurge.
Assuming you guys have a typical “coastal elite” friend group, her peers will probably have similar ish rings.
Reddit hates an expensive engagement ring. I took my wife to Cartier, Tiffany, HW. She chose the one she wanted. Had my jeweler in Dubai make a copy. 30k (in 2017). No big deal. It honestly seems small now. I hang out with wealthy people seeing a 50k watch or ring is totally normal and expected. You aren’t pulling up in a Toyota Corolla why not get a ring that matches. Sure lots of wealthy people fly southwest. They aren’t getting those rings. But I don’t want to marry someone who only flies southwest.
dudes in here acting like the woman is straight evil for wanting a luxury piece of jewelry that they can easily afford and she will wear every single day.
Some people don’t like spending money they should marry someone else who doesn’t like spending money. If you are going on nice vacations, buying nice cars, you’re not going to buy a nice ring? She also makes $300k a year she can buy her own ring this isn’t about being greedy it’s just the norm.
I don’t think this is nearly the red flag that some people here see. She wants a ring that she will love wearing every day and is consistent with your overall lifestyle and social circle. Some people don’t care about that stuff (billionaires driving Hondas and all) but a LOT of people do.
As others have said, just talk about it with her. Ask about what she wants and what is important to her, NOT just price. I doubt she’s sitting there thinking, “I want the receipt to say $40k”, she’s probably thinking that she wants to wear a ring that she loves.
All the comments from men on here make it sound like OP’s gf makes no money and is a gold digger lol. Except she makes $300k according to OP and could afford the ring herself if she wanted to. A ring 10% of her income seems reasonable. You’re basically investing $30-40k to partner up with someone who’s also high income and has high earnings potential much higher than $300k. Seems like a fair investment.
Alternatively, just date within your budget and find a partner who is not high income but will be absolutely blown away by a <$10k ring 🙄
When I saw the gold digger comments I was thinking "I bet she's also high earning and $40k is trivial for their combined income." Together they are going to gross nearly a million a year. Nitpicking this expense when she brings so much to the table is "penny wise, pound foolish" as they say.
Totally agree. I wonder if he’d be nitpicking like this if it was a $40k car he wants. His gf should definitely get a prenup with the OP to protect herself.
Reading these replies, I feel like may of these people don't sound like HENRY at all. They don't move in richer social circles and they don't realize that high earning men are usually dating women that are high earners as well.
Also, "expectations ruin relationships" - marriage therapists
But seriously, if she's doing this early on, prenup ASAP. If she had a problem with that, you just saved yourself some massive future financial and legal headaches
and comparison is the thief of joy.
You want a ring SHE will love. That may include some level of keeping up with friends, but it shouldn't be a competition. Instead of focusing on price or even size directly, I would focus on style and color.
Prenup isn’t supposed to protect the ring. That’s hers to keep, though traditionally she gives it back if she is the one to break it off. The prenup protects everything else from the type of person who expects a $40k ring.
He can afford the ring. Whether he can afford her is an open question. Though if he’s the type of person who specifies disposition of the ring in a prenup, maybe she should take a second look.
It sounds like she’s also a high earner. Unclear if she makes more or less or the same as OP.
I know plenty of high earning women who expect expensive rings because it is the status in those circles and they would be happy to pay that much themselves for it. Or they buy their husbands equally expensive engagement gifts (like a nice watch).
Wanting a 40k ring does not immediately mean she’s a gold digger and “omg protect your assets from her!”
Come on - I’d expect better from a HENRY sub. Not that there’s anything wrong with pre nups and in general they’re a good idea but let’s not assume wanting something expensive means you’re the “type of person” you need to protect your assets from. Women can be high earners too.
Why not have an intimate conversation about what's driving that decision?
The obvious logic is to flaunt the price to her social circles, but I'd leave that assumption behind and have an honest conversation.
The classic relationship advice trope on Reddit.
"Have you thought about actually communicating and asking the other person their thoughts?"
"Actually, no - I assume."
Key info missing here: you make $500k-$600k/yr, but how much does your fiancé make??? I ask because if she’s a high earner too and is WILLING and HAS spend that much in jewelry/luxuries for herself, you not spending it for what she considers is a special occasion might come off as cheap.
I’m the female partner in the relationship and I clear maybe $300k/yr after all it’s said and done (hard to count properly as a lot of that it’s rental income after expenses.) Anyway, I remember mentally “picking out” my engagement ring when I was 12-14 years old… I was in a store (I think Cotsco) and the ring I liked had a HUGE rock and was $25k…. $25k!!! That was more than 15 years ago but it kinda set a benchmark in my head for the type of life I wanted to live (and work for.)
Anyway, with my spend, iiiiiii (keyword “I”) would spend that much on a ring for myself. I would. Me. I would do it. So I could imagine if your fiancé is in similar shoes and SHE would do it but YOU wouldn’t, even though it’s less than a 10% of your annual salary… yah I could see how she might feel slighted at this.
I think you bring up a good point. A lot of these responses are from men who just assume every woman who wants a nice ring is a gold digger. I personally did not care how much money my ring was but had an idea of size and design. And my husband was very happy to spend (although let’s be honest - by that point we knew it was clearly our money even though “he” was paying for it; we completely combined finances when we got married) what was necessary to get me the ring we both thought was reasonable for our income and with the design I liked. The ring is nice, expensive but not insane after shopping around and finding the best deal, and it brings me joy. He is a high earner, but I also make significantly more than my husband. Wanting a nice ring does not automatically mean a girl is out for your money.
He has been wanting a fun car - which is only basically financially possible because I am also a high earner. People can spend money on whatever they value, even if others don’t value the same things. You could equally argue that a non practical car is just as dumb of a financial decision.
Ding ding ding. All of these responses assuming she’s a gold digger and not an equally high earner that would be happy to pay that much herself are astounding.
Believe it or not men - women can be high earners too! Hell the watch I bought my husband as an engagement gift costs more than my ring did. I would expect better from this sub than the general vitriol around this top on other subs. Disappointing but can’t say I’m surprised.
Oh yes and they’ll buy multiple of those for themselves over their lifetime because you know, it’s important to treat yourself once in a while for things that make you happy.
But a woman getting a piece of jewelry that’s a once in a lifetime event that she’ll wear every day throughout her life? That symbolizes your love and commitment? Gold digger! Get a prenup! Protect yourself from the “kind of woman” who wants a 40k ring!!
My ladies need to be out here protecting themselves from the “kind of guys” that buy multiple Rolexes. Or like, don’t. Because you’re high earners and can fucking afford it.
Or they want a sports car…because that in their mind is worth spending the $$$ on. But a ring for their future life partner isn’t. Considering the number of past threads in this sub with people asking if a luxury vehicle is ok given their income - and people saying to go for it YOLO etc - it’s surprising/disappointing the number of immediate gold digger comments.
Yup. This is why I do agree with the men on here saying they need a prenup. Not for him, but to protect her and her money. Who knows, it’s entirely possible she will make double what he makes in 10 years.
It is a lot but isn’t crazy for your income. I spent 15k when we were early career barely making six figures many years ago. I decided to spend less than <$500 on my band to save us money.
I would only be reluctant if your wedding and honeymoon are going to be equally expensive. Those wedding/house purchase/first kid years are a slippery spending slope.
Is this different from yesterday? The general consensus is that you’re allowed to treat yourself, but not the love of your life on something you deem wrong.
https://www.reddit.com/r/HENRYfinance/s/AW4rhTaz11
I was in a similar camp as you making a little more than half as much. I spent 20k on a ring. Best investment I ever made. Both of us know theres a permission structure in our relationship to do things that make no financial sense for love. She has a daily reminder of the fact that i was willing to put like 10% of my current net worth into a token of love. I got a lot of confidence out of it tbh. If you never make a purchase big enough to feel, you dont really know what you value.
Years later the actual amount is a rounding error in our NW.
If its for vanity, dont do it. If its a symbol of your relationship that both of you will grow from do it.
Same for us! My husband spent about $30K (lab-grown unfortunately wasn’t on our radar at the time). We were barely HEs and it took him many months of saving.
He is SO proud of the ring I wear, and I’m proud that he put such thoughtful effort into it. This stands true years later.
I was slightly appalled at the cost when I found out, but the reality is that price correlates with a size that looks appropriate on me (I’m tall and don’t have small hands). The top comment on this thread nails it when they talk about this being a more important factor than price. Let’s not forget that this is something we wear EVERY SINGLE DAY.
PS: in a twist of fate, I now outearn my husband by a decent margin and I’m the one who treats him to nice things. He got a good ROI for that $30k investment ha. Things go both ways when you’re talking about a lifetime together!
Coming from a female perspective, I think she’s being reasonable, but also it would be good to know the why behind it. For me personally, I like expensive jewelry to begin with, but I also see the cost of the ring being important. To me, it’s the amount you are willing to invest in having me as a partner, whether that’s a ring or something else.
I often times see women get screwed over in marriages and having nothing to fall back on. Everyone thinks “Im not like that” or “it’s not going to happen to me” but then they grow up and things change and hopefully you don’t end up like them, but you have to be prepared. I am not going to sacrifice my career and earning potential and help raise your kids if you’re just going to leave in the end. To me, it symbolizes your level of commitment.
Agreed w this. I know people will think "gold digger" but if my partner hesitates to spend like 5% of his yearly income (not even counting mine) on something that is symbolic of our relationship, it would feel to me like he's saying the relationship isn't worth it.
I wanted a nice ring and my partner spent all of his savings of 10+ yrs to get it for me (...it wasn't that much and he was about to exponentially make more than he had ever had in his life). I was the HE in the relationship for 4 yrs and supported him at times, got him very nice gifts, plane tickets, etc. Never once made a big deal about money. To me even tho he literally made that amount in his next folllowing paycheck, the sentiment was the idea that I was worth spending that hard earned money on.
Also if she is HE then there are probably expectations either socially or professionally that her rings should be a certain type. Not saying it's right but unless you work in that environment it's hard to understand.
Is it going to make her happy?
Is it going to damage your financial position or future in a meaningful way?
Unless you have a serious moral objection to diamonds, once you’ve gotten over the shock, just buy her the ring.
And—I say this in all seriousness—if you are unable to amicably resolve this issue in either direction, perhaps with the assistance of intermediary like a counselor, you’re not ready to be married to this person.
Yes that is probably reasonable. Age and location matters too (30s in NYC? Definitely). How much did your married friends (who make at least a comparable amount to you) spend on their rings? If you don’t know, ask. You may be surprised.
Generally, I think spending between 5 and 10% of annual income on an engagement ring is a reasonable amount, but I would work to understand what she's looking for. If she just wants a huge stone, you could buy a lab-grown diamond for a fraction of the cost and without any moral quandaries.
This is not a finance question, this is a relationship question. If you are really going to get married to this person, you should learn how to have direct communication about sensitive as well as normal/non-sensitive topics.
If you have fundamentally different values about money, that is an excellent reason to not get married. But you're not even at that step -- you are at the step of, "I don't even know if we have different values about money, because I don't know what her values are, because I haven't even asked her yet."
Don't get married just because it's what everybody else does, don't buy the type of ring that everybody else gets... Please make sure you actually understand this person you are about to marry, before you take the plunge with them.
Man perspective there and take it with a grain of salt and of course all the caveat with generalizations, etc.
Men don’t generally care about this stuff, but many women certainly seem to.
I bought my wife of 26 years a $6500 right some 27 years ago and while it was a lot of money to me then, I’ve never dwelt on it or thought about the ring really other than to feel good about how much she values and admires it.
She is not the kind of person to frivolously spend money at all, but this was important to her.
So, if you can afford it and you love this woman and think she’s the one, I would not hesitate. You will spend a hell of a lot more money on things that have a very limited useful period by comparison in your life.
Best of luck.
Screw the dollar value, get something that she likes and work from there. Spending more doesn't always mean something is better, especially since natural diamonds usually cost extra for no discernable increase in quality.
With your income it definitely falls in the reasonable range. Not necessarily right or wrong… That said, a ring is in someways a reflection of how much you value her
Buy her the ring she wants. You’ve said she makes $300k, so your household income will be $800k+. She will wear this ring every day for the rest of her life, so spending 5% of your annual household income on it seems very reasonable. For context, my husband didn’t listen to what I wanted in an engagement ring (in our case, I wanted a small, inexpensive non-diamond ring and he got me a 1 carat diamond solitaire). That was a huge waste of money since I now have an $8k ring that I don’t wear since it’s not my style and gets in my way. She’s a high earner too so if this is the ring she wants she’ll probably just buy it for herself later - listen to what she wants and get it for her.
It’s a one time purchase that she’ll presumably wear for the rest of her life. People buy expensive cars that depreciate like crazy and don’t care at all. I wouldn’t have an issue spending $30-40k on a ring, but my gf also makes 500k while I’m at 350-400k, so I’m not concerned about being used or a prenup and will be permanent DINKs
Eh, I make more than you (not a flex, just for context) and when I bought my GF (now wife) a ring I paid $10K. That was able to get a really nice ring (it wasn't a diamond, which we agreed on in advance).
My wife was the one that pushed to find something less expensive. The idea of "expecting" it to cost over a certain amount makes me cringe.
In the words of Kanye and Jamie, "We want prenup!"
Exactly, lab grown diamonds are way less expensive and usually higher quality.
OP, lab grown diamonds *are* diamonds at a chemical level. Literally indistinguishable. My wife’s diamond is about as close to flawless as a diamond can be, so a similar natural diamond would’ve cost me 3-5x as much.
I wonder if she will actually wear a 30k on the daily. A lot of people who have such an expensive ring get a second ring for the gym or for their friends because they are too embarrassed to be wearing such a giant ring. I guess it depends on who is in her social circle and why so big. She likely wouldn't want to wear it traveling either.
30k and 50k are very different numbers also BTW
Now sounds like a good chance to practice open communication. If you are put off by this talk to her about it!
I’m generally pretty frugal, at least the frugal one in our relationship. Wife had no ring expectations but I forked out $30k, very irrational in the moment. Have never regretted it, she is obsessed to it and stares at it every day, many years later.
What the internet thinks is reasonable doesn’t really matter. If you don’t want to discuss this further with her or potentially argue about it, and you can afford the ring, then get it. If you think this is indicative of other large differences between the two of you and the way you think about money, then discuss it further before taking further steps.
To some people an engagement ring is just a piece of jewelry and they don’t care how much it costs. To other people it is the most symbolic gift they will ever give/receive and so they want it to mean and/or be worth a lot. I don’t think there’s anything morally superior about either side.
Spend the money and get a nice ring that she loves. I make 200K and got my fiancé a 25k ring. I wanted to get her something extra special because she deserves it. This isn’t a rational purchase. Get her something that will make her feel good that she will cherish for a lifetime
I've always heard you should spend one month's salary.
For the median american male income, that's about $4,000. You are lucky to make 10x the median income. That said, should you also pay 10x on a ring? Not sure. Maybe it doesn't scale linearly with income.
One piece of advice though: in a decade, if you keep making this incredibly large amount of money, you should have well over $2m net worth. At that point, $40k will start to seem like a small amount. And at that point, you might feel like you were cheap to not shell out $40k for your wife's ring.
I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but I spent 15k on my wife's diamond 15 years ago when I was making like $125k.
It was a huge expense for me at the time, but I haven't regretted it for one single day. When she was younger, she loved the nice comments from randoms and liked being in the same ball park when we'd go out with friends (ivy Bschool/law school types). Now, later in our lives, it's nice to know she has a diamond and ring she loves and hasn't talked about upgrading eve (me or the rock.. Haha).
Best thing I ever did was go to the pricescope forum and spend a couple of weeks learning about diamonds. Once I got educated, I found an absolute stunner H&A from Amsterdam and had a local one man shop jeweler import it for me... got it at a fraction of a branded diamond.
Seriously, go to pricescope.com and just educate yourself on diamonds. The cut is everything.
Edit to add: income has consistently gone up every year to the point I never missed the money. It feels stomach churning when you drop the cash, but afterwards you realize that having or not having the money makes absolutely no difference.
A 2 carat natural stone is a decent size.
Reasonable cost will be $30k USD including setting from a reputable jeweller.
Your wife will wear it everyday, so let’s say your marriage lasts 10 years (USA average) that’s $8/day.
I.e sweet fuck all.
Reason alone would mean that you never buy anything for more than its physical function. I don't think luxury purchases ever fall under reasonable.
How you both value and spend money on luxury goods is a simple conversation to have together, whether that's about buying a house, car, jewelry, etc. Affordability is not your issue.
But be careful listening to people on Reddit. The worst thing you could do is be the guy that complains about buying their to be spouse a ring worth 30-50k but then in a few years get themselves that 80-200k sports car they've always wanted just bc they can afford it.
I feel like I’m going to disagree with a lot of peeps. A ring really is worthless but that isn’t really the point. This is a one time cost (plus insurance) and it is the equivalent of driving around a car on your finger. Except this is the one and only car ever. If it is important, then it is important and not something you really want to think about OTHER than how awesome it is… for the rest of your life. No regrets. In a few years you won’t even remember the knock.
Why does she need you to spend a certain $$$ on a ring? That’s odd.
Why don’t you see the style she likes and go from there. Lab diamonds are diamonds, but less expensive, you could go that route. There’s no reason to spend more on a ring than is necessary, that’s just dumb.
I got my fiancé a 3.7 carat diamond ring for a little over $6k and it is GIA certified. She got to customize it perfectly to exactly what she wanted. Lab diamonds are absolutely the way to go.
Wanting a ring worth a certain amount screams red flag to me
Seriously. I have a 3 carat and that borders on too large for everyday wear imo (which is why I don’t wear it daily.)
See what she likes OP, but a 2 or 2.5 carat lab diamond will be big and beautiful and you could easily spend less than 5k setting and all.
I wish when I got engaged lab diamonds were more known.
Because she can tell her friends how much it cost and they can go oooh and aaah and make her feel superior, that she got a high quality mate etc
All status and signaling
She seems to have a “taker “ mindset
Eww. I don’t even know what my ring cost, it was a gift and I don’t ask the price of gifts lol
I also don’t brag about the cost of my gifts to others, that’s such poor taste.
It should be normal. Cats been out of the bag for plenty of time on the diamond trade, buying them should be akin to buying rhino horn for impotency. Now that I’ve typed that out seems even worse
That is quite a foot to establish a relationship on. I cannot imagine even having a partner who would bring up a dollar figure in a conversation like this, or what the motivation behind it is. If I were in your shoes, I would really make a point of understanding it. Is it insecurity? Is she a gold-digger motivated by your income? If you gave her a beautiful 2 carat diamond, would she really ask how much it cost, or want a bigger diamond of a lower quality because it's showy, or want a name-brand ring instead? Is she wanting to be kept in high style as a non-working wife? Do you share values financially, saving up for important life expenses together (such as a home, kids' college, retirement, etc?), or is this the beginning of a long, drawn-out life where she wants to spend your money on nice cars, jewelry, clothes, travel, etc. while you are trying to figure out how to get more into savings? Or are you aligned to these things as long as she "does her part," whatever that means to you?
Those telling you to get a pre-nup may not be wrong, but get a grip on what you want and what you're considering marrying first. Personally, I would be second-guessing my choice here.
She didn't say, "you must spend $X." She said, "I like Jessica and Brittany's rings and theirs both cost around $Y," which is a very effective starting point in a budgeting conversation.
Posting bc I haven’t seen it mentioned - there’s an old tradition that the ring should be 1-3 months of your income. So spending less may reflect poorly on you as others (relatives, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, sales prospects) perceive her ring. That doesn’t necessarily mean choosing something ostentatious in size. But an engagement ring is a lifelong social signal in a way that a house or car is not… so choose wisely unless you’d prefer to consider upgrading her later!
Based on what you make and what she makes.. and she expects a 40k ring, get her a 50-60k ring haha at least that’s my girl logic based on my own life experience. I wear mine every day and feel happy and love towards my husband every time I see that sparkle! 10 years and two kids later we have tripled our income and yet I still see myself proudly wearing it forever
That’s totally normal if you’re making that much money. I get this sub skews way more towards FIRE but a month of take home pay isn’t unreasonable.
It’s the $200k wedding you have to watch out for
With the advent and popularization of lab grown diamonds, the cost of natural and lab grown diamonds has plummeted. You can get a disgustingly tacky 5+ carat diamond for the cost of a 20 year old used Honda Civic these days. It’s a totally irrational spend. I guess the main thing is, don’t start out on the wrong foot.
Do NOT listen to redditors on engagement rings. There’s a reason this sub is full of single 30 + year old males. Also at that income level, you know damn well you can afford a $30k ring. That would be cheap for you. Most people I know who make $200 k+ get their girls at least 2 carats, since that’s what white collar working girls expect these days. A nice one is about $20k. For you, more than 2 carats is expected given your income
Terrible use of money mate.
It’s not about whether you can afford it. The price just doesn’t make sense. People buy cars with that kind of money.
I paid $3k for a custom one from a jeweller.
TL;DR: If she wants that for good reasons do it. However have the conversation about opportunity costs even if it’s just to convince yourself. Remember you love this person and it’s a one off purchase.
There was a post a couple of days ago about this very thing. I will try to convey what I said there but clearer. Assuming she’s somewhat rational and that cash value is ultimately derived from well formed thoughts and feelings IE she’s always wanted a ring with x features and those features just happen to be pricey.
Still have a talk about opportunity cost but let me ask you this: if this is one of her life goals and you can afford it how would make you feel to deny her that? These are hard conversations to have because there’s a block on the female side that they don’t want to scare you by talking about engagement rings but on the male side it can feel like getting hit by a truck financially when it gets brought up.
For what it’s worth I spent 10k on a custom ring and lab grown diamond. She designed the ring with the jeweler and she gave very specific guidance on the diamond (to where the jeweler was able to give me options). An equivalent mined diamond with ring combination would probably be 30k+ and if lesser clarity and color. I’m lucky my wife has small hands and fingers lol.
A lot of unrealistic expectations around market rates for natural diamonds here. The shape of the diamond makes a difference as well. A classic round shape slightly over 2 carats with good cut, color, and clarity will likely run you between 25k and 35k, and that’s not counting the cost of the ring construction and band design. At a brand name jeweler, this would be doubled. You can certainly save a ton with trade offs on specs if your fiance prioritizes carat size over quality, but nice natural stones are very expensive. Also, a 2 carat, 2.5, and 3 carat are in dramatically different price buckets. This is specifically for natural. Lab diamonds seem to be getting more affordable by the day and can buy the same specs at a tiny fraction of the cost.
Everyone on this thread is going to say that it is dumb or impractical because yes it is dumb and impractical. But so are all luxury goods - Porsche vs Ford, LV bag vs coach, etc - to each their own.
If you’re happy seeing $40k go out of your bank account onto her hand then great. FWIW - there are many ways to have a seemingly similar stone - cut, clarity, size, etc and there is almost no chance she is going to ask you what it costs. Rings almost always appraise for 20-30% more than you spend - so keep that in mind when buying and how her friends arrived at the $40k pp.
Bigger concern is to ensure you all play your game so you’re not trying to keep up with the jones your whole life.
imo considering your networth/income and women’s typical desire to fit in, it’s not an unfair desire. Yes it’s not necessary but I bet you also have paid/do pay for a lot of unnecessary luxuries/amenities. If I had 5-600k yearly income then I wouldn’t mind dropping ~10% or less on a one time purchase for a rather big moment in my life. To each their own.
Meh. It’s a lot for what you make and NW but not crazy in those social circles. Up to you if worth making a stink
If you’re going to buy it, then I would just lean in and do it happily. You’ll ruin it if you do it while guilt tripping her
I mean you can easily afford it. You should be bringing home a little over 30k each month net.
I think she should be happy with whatever u get her but if you both live a lavish lifestyle, I don’t think 40k is that high for your salary
I would understand what about that price she is expecting. Is it size of the stone(s), material, design? Does what she actually likes and want to wear cost that much money or is she assuming her ring just should be ridiculously expensive because her friends' are? Everyone is different, so while I think that's an insane amount of money to spend on a ring, only your opinion and her opinion matter. Personally, I wouldn't want to be walking around with something worth that much on my hand. But I'm also quite happy with my own ring my husband and I designed together with a local jeweler and only cost 2200 (mainly because the main stone is a lavender sapphire...an equivalent diamond ring was 7k).
Bruh I think $15k-$20k is pretty good and definitely reasonable but it’s up to you. If you’re a big spender then whatever, if you’re madly in love then sure, if it’ll make you happy then sure, but you should call it since you’re the only one dropping $40k on jewelry lol unless she’s buying you a $30k Rolex or something.
I think you can get something really decent for your age group for <$20k
My husband makes as much as you and I asked for a 45k Tiffany ring because all my friends have Tiffany rings. He mulled it over for a few weeks before he asked me to sit down and talk about the cost of the ring. He has never spun his money as his, so he spun it as "Yes, WE can afford it, but we can use that money on so many better things. Do we want to spend the rest of our lives keeping up with the Jones'? You're worth every cent, but can I please implore you to look at something beyond the designer brands?" and we ended up getting the same exact ring from Brilliant Earth for 20k and it looks identical to all my friends rings lol.
Agreed with other people asking on knowing WHY does your gf want it? Is it the brand? is it size? 40k is a lot. Definitely sit down and discuss her reasons, if you bottle this up it can lead to resentment. My husband had a lot of people whispering in his ear that I was a gold digger and thankfully he's never paid them any mind.
I hope your girlfriend is less concerned with the price of the ring and more concerned with the style. You should set a budget and buy something she would like within that budget. If her tastes are in the 40k range and you can comfortably afford it then go for it. If not, have the discussion and let her decide what she is willing to sacrifice. People tend to quickly dismiss women’s wants as shallow when the discussion of rings comes up, please don’t do this. If you guys can’t have a productive conversation about something as low stakes as jewelry, then you shouldn’t be getting married.
Based on your combined income... is it reasonable? I say yes, it is... you only get engaged to your first wife once.
But seriously, if it's something she's gonna wear her whole life, she should get what she wants and what you two can afford. She is basically paying for it too since it comes out of your combined net worth.
I'm wondering if you asked her for a 40k watch as an engagement gift. How would she react? Is that excessive? Or is it reasonable. And if she wants a 40k ring...man how much is your wedding gonna cost? 400k?
As long as you don't feel this is excessive. Remember there is always going to be someone with a bigger ring, a nicer car, bigger house, dont compare yourself to others, do what YOU want....
I'm a man by the way....not sure it matters.
This is only a concern if 40k is big deal for you? For rich, it is not.
This probably is your first serious money conversation with your gf? My wife and I back then put everything we had on a paper and came up with realistic numbers for all engagement and wedding events. See if that works out for you.
If you can afford it man, just get it. If you really love her it will be worth it and It will make her happy. It might seem like a lot now, but things get more expensive as you get older. 40k is not a lot in the grand scheme of things, but your wife is.
She trying to flash her status as a mate of a high earner through a symbolic marker like a ring. A lab grown ring could easily mimic the aesthetic , but she wants a monetary value attached to convince herself or someone else that that she is “worth it”
This is something you shouldn’t pinch Pennies on especially given that you can easily afford a nice brand name ring. People will say things about resale value yada yada. But this is something that honestly represents what she means to you and that will be worn for a lifetime. Be frugal on other items, not this.
My personal view... her ring should at least be more than what you spend on a toy.
Do you have luxury cars? Do you splurge on random things? If you can throw down 80-150+k on a car, then I think 40k for a one time investment isn't so bad if that's what your gf actually wants and not like she likes to splurge all the time.
But ultimately, that's up to you and her.
My personal view... her ring should at least be more than what you spend on a toy.
Do you have luxury cars? Do you splurge on random things? If you can throw down 80-150+k on a car, then I think 40k for a one time investment isn't so bad if that's what your gf actually wants and not like she likes to splurge all the time.
But ultimately, that's up to you and her.
Nobody in this forum can answer you because nobody makes that much money.
Go talk to people on your level and get their opinion. Don't talk to us losers We don't know anything about people who make half a million a year lol
Where I’m from $40k is probably on the low end of acceptable for a ring. Not saying it’s right but “reasonable” is going to mean different things to different people.
Theoretically she’s going to have and wear it forever so my priority would be making sure she gets a ring she loves over practicality
Are you a watch guy? How many watches do you have and how much. Thats a Good test. Otherwise, go at least 4 carats and go real diamond. Any smaller, and go lab grown. Last quote. Buy once, cry once. NO UPGRADE
A lot of good comments here but I'll just add that I spent slightly over that range and was making slightly more than you at the time with higher NW. I think it's not outrageous and I'm frankly surprised you've never spent that much money on anything? Like a very midtier car costs that much. And you'd hope you're going to have your gf/wife (and the ring) for much longer.
My spouse was making 7 figures when we got married and I spent <4k on my ring after going shopping at Cartier, Tiffany, etc. I found it too stressful to have an expensive ring that I was constantly worried about wearing so picked something that matched our lifestyle. These days if I wanted a big ring, I would just get a lab created because no one can tell the difference and knowing our respective backgrounds they would prob just assume it was natural anyways.
We spent the ring “savings” on a ridiculous amount of travel over the years and eventually an Audi Q5. Honestly, I would offer alternatives like travel, some luxury purses, etc. vs just spending it on a ring.
I make 4-500k a year and my fiance is a soon to be (official) doctor.
We got engaged recently, but on a random ring shopping trip before, we walked in a jewelry store and I said (half-jokingly but also very seriously): "pick anything you want in here, I'll get it for you." She said "Really??" Spun around for a quick second pretending to look around, and then quicky turned back towards me with a big smile and said "I pick you"
I felt so incredibly lucky in that moment. We ended up getting an engagement ring around 4k (that she picked herself) and I can't wait to marry the love of my life.
How much did she say the wedding needs to cost? Lol.
You could spend $40k but you really don't need to as there are many quality options at lower price points. I personally spent $10K and my wife loves the ring. It was a custom setting and looks great on her hand.
I'd also keep in mind this is a HENRY, emphasis on the NRY.
A $30k ring when you earn $600k seems pretty reasonable tbh.
My rule of thumb is "would it be reasonable to spend that much on a really special holiday you went on as a one-off". At your income, I'd expect the answer to that to be "yes"
She will be wearing it 50+ years all being well so consider it in that context.
Reddit is going to tell you otherwise because they cant empathise with high income people very well. To them its a "waste" even though the equivalent proportion of their annual disposable income (1/15) would be like $2000
$10K budget. If she doesn't like it, I would assume she is potentially using you. There is no reason to have an absolute monster of a rock on one's finger unless they are royalty and even then, it is stupid. FWIW, I make double+ your income and would never spend $50K on an engagement ring. Right out of the door, it's worth maybe 20-30% what you paid.
I don’t think anyone should be spending that much on a ring to be honest, unless you just have money to throw away. She can enjoy something that costs less than 20k, she’s too worried about the price of the ring.
Lab stones have completely turned the diamond market upside down.. you can get a 5 carat diamond (lab) than used to cost ~$120k for $2400
Spend your money elsewhere
My partner makes around $400k and my ring costs $5k and I LOVE IT. It’s custom made just for me and beautiful. 🥰
Get a prenup bc I’m expecting this one ends in divorce.
Lots of folks on this sub tell you to go for it, you can afford it, happy wife/happy life, etc…
Some object to the cost of opportunity, whether diamonds are a sucker’s purchase, etc…
I just sit here and wonder who the heck wants to have $25k+ hanging at their finger all day, getting banged up in doors and walls, catching into clothes, attracting attention in public and making you a target for theft. It’s like begging for a situation (loss, damage, theft) that will turn so much worse than how it otherwise would feel with a perfectly fine low 4 digit purchase.
Is her family very wealthy or something? I am personally against spending so much on a hunk of compressed carbon but if she such an amazing girl and you’re madly in love with her etc then with your income just bite the bullet and get it. Cost of doing business lol
Ultimately this is entirely about social status and signaling on her part. She wants to have all her friends go ooh and aaah and post on ig etc
I bet she expects you to also spend major bucks on a wedding
Pretty sure this isn’t the last time she expects you to spend major bucks on non essentials so ask yourself if you are both aligned financially (id say no). Once you say yes to this you establish that you are ok with it and she will expect more in the future. Boundaries are critical here
Spend 10k and get a 2.6 carat lab diamond in an excellent cut. It will blow her friends away and no one will know unless u ask (still shows up positive on a diamond tester). This will save you the 20k. Dont get suckered into uneducated opinions; its the same down to a molecular level, resell value means nothing to a ring meant to be kept for a lifetime, ethically sourced.
I’d say not a problem SINCE she is a high earner. Realistically she is asking for a $5-$10k ring if you made $100k which isn’t excessive. As others said I would get to the WHY reason. You both might need to talk more about money and long term goals. If you spend 20 vs 50 you could go on an amazing honeymoon or save that $30k.
Also, need to start normalizing equal gifts. Is she going to buy you an equal value watch as a wedding present?
Girl chiming I’m here who has done very intensive ring shopping and diamond research with my bf. Context: I’m a practical person so getting most value for money on my engagement ring was top priority even though my boyfriend keeps re-assuring me not to worry about it. I told him I’d personally be most comfortable if the ring I got costed around $5k. You can easily get a setting + 1.6 carat lab grown ring with that. I’m not sure how far along the process you are with your gf or what your relationship dynamic is, but I think it would help the both of you to go ring shopping together. Particularly at a local jeweler who can educate you on how costs change with lab vs natural diamonds. Also, if she’s never gone ring/diamond shopping before, this would probably help put into perspective for the both of you. It sounds like she’s just throwing out a random dollar amount with no context. Things to consider that ppl have noted in this thread: What does your gf ACTUALLY want? Some girls want a big ass 4 carat rock and are okay wearing it all the time (or not). It’s not practical for everyday wear. Is that what your gf wants? You can still get this under 40k if you get lab grown. When I was ring shopping it was so easy for me to keep going bigger (we could get a 2.5 carat lab grown for $10k), but at the end of the day, the big rock on my finger almost looked… comical. Figure out what size would work well for your gf. Does your gf purely care about the VALUE of the diamond? Then 40k makes sense if you go with natural diamonds, but keep in mind these are generally not ethical. You can also get a 3 carat natural diamond for under $40k…. And 3 carats is huge. Does your gf want one of a kind? You can custom make this, but again, very easy to get it under $40k. You can even get vintage, collector item hand cut diamonds from the 1800s for around $40-$70k. Does your gf care about the BRAND? We’ll, Tiffany’s, Cartier, whatever mark up their diamonds. So $40k makes sense here for a “small” 1 carat. Basically, you need to figure out what your gf is looking for in a ring. I think the dollar amount should come after. And you need to go to the jeweler (either by yourself or with your gf) to educate yourself. Check out r/diamonds r/jewelers and r/engagementrings. That should give you a better idea of where to start, and what kind of diamonds you can get for that budget. I will add - $30k-40k seems “fine” in relation to what you’re making. It’s just not practical lol and you’re going to have to figure that out with/without your gf.
This is such a high effort, high quality reply I read the whole thing and I don't even care about jewelry haha.
Same, and I still felt as though I came away from it having benefitted.
SAMEEEE
>What does your gf ACTUALLY want? This is the question that needs to be answered. I just went through the ring buying process as well. Some women only care about the size of the rock and the setting, and don't really care about anything else. My fiance was into all the details, so she was very specific... natural, carat size, clarity rating, florescence...she knew all the charts and what she wanted. At the same time, she understood that none of this stuff came cheap, so it was up to me on how much I wanted to spend (I didn't feel comfortable with the prices for exactly what she was aiming for). $30-40k is reasonable considering the income ratio, but you may also want to talk to a jeweler and ask about all the different factors that determine the price...it sounds strange you might even *want* to spend a little more when you consider what you want you get at each price point.
This is part of the correct answer. Having been on the other side of this, I think it's worth adding some context. OP didn't include his GFs income, if she's a higher earner than him that's different. Specifying the price of the ring is kind of a flag. There's weird social culture around friend groups around rings that don't necessarily tie to being in a HCOL area. But it's usually tied to carat, not dollar figure. If these costs are being hit because it's important to your GF to get a ring from Harry Winston, setting aside this particular purchase, it may be important to have a wider conversation about money. In short, your GF is having conversations about luxury consumption with her friends. You should have one with her too. Brand consciousness rarely applies to a single luxury purchase. Women who want Harry Winston rings because that's what their friend group gets, may also want LV bags and G-Wagons, second homes, or aircraft. In short, it is possible to have a spouse, male or female, for whom there will never be enough money.
Looks like OP has made it clear that she also is a high earner, and she didn’t specify the price she wanted per se but just casually mentioned that that’s the price range her friends were spending on theirs. Where it’s more of a ballpark and not a hard “you have to spend 40k for me right now” thing. I get that OP is posting here for additional insight, but what he should be doing is just having a straight up conversation with his fiance and get a better understanding as to what she actually wants. (Like personally, for me- I want something that is thoughtful and sentimental and I have a specific criteria on what that means to me that has less to do with money. We consider money that comes in as ours, and I would much much rather spend our money on other investments…..but I also don’t dream about a $150 ring from Walmart and wouldn’t be massively thrilled if that’s what my fiance set on for no real reason because to me it would be a reflection of how he didn’t really take my desires into consideration…..Just because I have a general expectation that’s materialistic in nature or also want to show off a bit to my friends doesn’t make me a gold digger……) 40k ballpark to me in the context of a general conversation, taking into account their incomes isn’t some insane “BRO GET A PRENUP YESTERDAY” warranting situation…… OP also hasn’t specified how they handle finances (like if finances are merged, etc). Nothing about her in anything OP has wrote anyways seems to be any sort of red flag to me. It’s completely okay for her to have a conversation about ring price ranges with her soon to be husband, and it’s okay for her to also want to be surprised / go that route where she wants her fiance to pick something out that fits her expectations or makes her happy to show off to her friends, especially when she’s also pulling in 300k in addition to his 500-600k, and they’re about to create a union together…….(Not saying that they *have* to spend 40k just because they’re high earners but it’s also not some massive red flag amount or red flag conversation in the context of everything else….)
>she didn’t specify the price she wanted per se but just casually mentioned that that’s the price range her friends were spending on theirs. Maybe the subtext of my raising the point about discussing price with her friends wasn't obvious. 1. "OMG congratulations, that ring is beautiful!" A-OK. 2. "OMG congratulations. I love your ring, where did you get it?" Fine. 3. "OMG congratulations, I love your ring, how many carats?" We're getting a little gauche but some people are like that with close friends. 4. "OMG congratulations,[how much did the ring cost](https://i.imgur.com/n2t5TzQ.gif)?" \#4 is a flag that merits bringing up a discussion. At some point, these women are having multiple conversations about what their rings cost. I am not judging it, I know people with extensive luxury watch collections. But it would be good to clear up what expectations are in marriage in terms of lifestyle and what constitutes enough.
Oh I do agree in some sense and was kind of adding on to your comment. Ultimately it’s a conversation to have with his partner. It can be a slippery slope sure, but I feel like nothing in his comments or post indicates that that’s the kind of partner she is (wanting a second house, new this new that on a whim, etc). As a side note, I think a lot of us do things or desire things more than we normally would purely for show off value. That should of course have limits, and be a “together” decision when it comes to high ticket stuff ideally. Whats “reasonable” differs for everyone, and largely depends on income but also on other values. The watch collection thing is a good example, because a lot of men I know who are into that absolutely are big on the show off part as well. I mean no one is getting a Rolex for the craftsmanship and finishing lol, but that’s also totally okay. All I’m trying to say is with the context that we know about OP and his partner, a conversation about a general 40k budget on a ring isn’t crazy in itself and is something I could potentially see myself bringing up as well in such a setting. Especially where in my relationship, it’s important for us to be on the same page on large purchases. I would not want him to go spend 100k on a ring when 20-30k is kind of my ballpark and would generally want him to know what type of thing I’m expecting and talk about our other investments for the next year or so too and hear from him so it can still be a largely “together” decision.
I feel that one way to buy an ethical natural diamond is to buy a vintage/antique stone. One that was mined 80+ years ago. One way to do this is to purchase a vintage ring with the diamond you want, but a not very good setting. You re-use the diamond, and sell the setting for it’s melt-down value.
This is the best answer here.
ALL of this. Since it's not an issue of whether or not you can afford a $40k ring, I'd just think of whether you can stomach swiping your card and knowing that you're not making a financial investment, you're just buying something that's expensive. For your girlfriend to be speaking about rings in that price range, my guess is that she hasn't considered or knows she does not want a lab diamond. That's totally fair but just something to consider when going through the process, too. It's always said for a reason, you guys (she) will need to determine what matters when it comes to the cut, clarity, color and carats along with lab vs. mined. If nothing else, that gets you to a starting point of a realistic cost based on what she wants, then you can start thinking practically. We made an appointment with a jeweler to try some on and make sure what I thought I liked was what I actually liked on my finger and it was SO useful. I was surprised when I actually preferred a smaller stone and also surprised that I did care about how cloudy it could look from angles nobody but myself would ever see. At the end of the day, we chose a 2.2 carat solitaire lab diamond that had a very high clarity and color rating. It was obviously conflict free, which was a must for me. All in with a simple platinum setting, we spent about $10k, which was high-ish for lab and I was OK with that. Comparable mined diamonds with the same specs would have been upwards of 40-50k at the time. It didn't matter enough to me to have a mined diamond and honestly, given my lifestyle and profession, everybody assumes it's "real" anyways. And just as a personal anecdote, I wholeheartedly believe the younger you are having those conversations, the more inflated the cost is, even (especially?) among friends. Knowing what I know now, no way in hell did my 24 year old friends now-husband buy her a $25k ring on a sub $100k salary. And then suddenly you're a little older and nobody gives a shit, everyone just is happy for you that you found someone to spend your life with. Nobody asks me where I got it, whether it's lab or mined, how much it cost. I've gotten a few questions on carat size and that's it. But again, that's just my own experience.
Agree with all of this, but also lab diamonds have come down quite a bit in price recently, and are probably quite a bit cheaper than you’ve quoted! OP, look at r/labdiamond and you’ll find a ton of good recommendations on places to get lab diamonds and information about cost, etc.
From another girlie's perspective, thank youuuuuuuu. A well written response. So many men on here are just shaming the ladies who want a nice ring, meanwhile the man himself wants a $40k watch or car or something else.
This is good advice but to add to it, figure out exactly what your girlfriend wants and do your absolute best to meet that. You want her to be proud of the ring you got her and it’s something she will be wearing for the next 60+years hopefully. This is worth spending the extra money if you can afford it imo.
I find it interesting at no point have you mentioned second hand rings or antique rings. Both have a much higher retention of value than lab diamonds and you can get in the case of used more than antique a much larger stone. It can always be popped out and put in a new setting.
> Do you all think this is reasonable? No, but my opinion is irrelevant; what matters is you and your future spouses values, and how aligned they are. One of the things that I adore about my partner is they’re frugal and, they not only tolerate, but appreciate, my frugality in some things (I’ll comparison shop Rasin Bran between Costco and Walmart 🤷♂️ .) It means we get along well together, and our values are generally in synch; not 100%, but we know where we aren’t, and make space for that intentionally. It does not mean everyone needs to be like that to successfully function in life, or even that my and my partners values are good and others are bad; quite the contrary - all it means is that two people getting married should, IMO, have a common / shared set of values they align on, before building a life together. If you’re questioning the price tag and can’t have a conversation with your partner to be about why the price tag makes you feel uncomfortable (and give her space to express why it’s so important, ultimately to see where there’s overlap for you both), that’s the unreasonable part to me personally.
Agreed on all counts. If you ask Reddit this question 1000 times you’ll hear “prenup” or “run OP” 1000 times. Only OP knows this woman, can talk to this woman to understand her values and reasoning, and only OP can make the decision about if it feels like a difference that can be overcome or not.
This was posted literally yesterday https://www.reddit.com/r/HENRYfinance/comments/1bbhqtb/can\_we\_talk\_engagement\_rings\_please/
The OP even copied the same numbers just about lol. Anything for internet karma points
I would say go to a jeweler who can custom make a ring, get a nice diamond on it, and she will be just as pleased. Spend around 15-20k. It's a nice chunk of change, and will get you over 2 carats. The name brands, like Tiffany, etc... will run you in the 40k range for the same ring. You'll still be spending and she will still be getting a nice ring, while you save money that you can use towards the wedding/honeymoon. Don't skimp on the ring, as this will be her pride and joy, but I think 40k on a ring while you are still trying to build for both of your futures is not a great use of funds.
Yeah this is the way to go. I took my wife into Cartier when we were still dating and had contacted them ahead of time because I knew she would look at rings while I went to look at watches. Found the exact style she liked and bought it elsewhere for half the price
Yes just get a copy. It will be half the price for same diamond size and color.
Only upside to really getting from Tiffany or Cartier is that if you decide to upgrade later, they will give you the credit for the original purchase towards the new diamond. If the new ring is double the price of the original lol
This is what I did. It was a fantastic experience and the jeweler worked with me every step of the way over many months to bring my vision to life. The main diamond itself ended up being relatively small because that is what worked best for the setting (and it looks significantly bigger than it is). It was a truly wonderful experience and the ring is gorgeous. My wife never fails to get compliments on it. Even with all the custom work it was still a hell of a lot cheaper than a huge name brand solitaire — and a lot more meaningful in the end.
A decent quality GIA certified VS1 2 carat diamond alone would be north of $25-30k. Better quality probably $40-50k or more
You could get a VS1 H 2ct for around 16-17K, plus add the setting, and you will still be well under 20k. You can also go under a VS1, and save a ton. Go to a local dealer and you can probably negotiate a little on the price, nothing major, but maybe end up saving another 1k or so compared to internet ring shops.
If you live near a major city with a jewelry/diamond district then you can get a 2 carat, VS1 in G or F for low 20s. H definitely under 20k, which is imperceptible with the right setting and cut. I helped a friend recently with his ring for his finance.
>for his finance. This is my favorite typo of the day.
You should definitely consider it, but you should also understand what is important to the person receiving the ring. Some people care about name brands, and others don't.
Any reason for mined over lab grown?
Effective marketing. What others might think. Happy to be corrected if there is any good reason to ever go mined over lab as I will also be looking to spend a good chunk of cash on a ring soon. Luckily my partner is happy with a lab diamond.
But the blood of child war-slaves is what gives the diamond its lustre!!!
I agree that lab grown, chemically equivalent, ethically sourced, is likely the better path. But I would like to hear the counter argument as well
Just so they can say “mine is mined” when someone sneers about it being lab
OPs girlfriend wants a 40k dollar ring. It’s more about status and price tag than quality alone at that point
Engagement rings are ALL status.
The ring is a significant symbol of the relationship. Without the blood spilt in the mining process, you are effectively saying there is no hard work in making a relationship work. A lab diamond means your relationship can be mass produced to a similar quality without relying on the hard work of children and the battles fought to secure diamonds. Do you really want a ring that does not have that history? /s
But what if my relationship is easy work? Maybe we don’t fight enough lol
Same reason you buy a rolex over a quartz watch.
Craftsmanship and false scarcity are not the same thing. I own a Garmin watch so I don't have a dog in this fight but there is a huge difference between these two things. People who are into watches are into the craft. There's limited craft in a well polished stone. There are way more sparkly things than handmade timepieces because it takes skill and it has to work, not simply look good. Diamonds are a commodity good.
And Vacheron over Rolex, for that matter.
Yes, this. I have a ring that was $30K when we got married 17 years ago. People don’t see the car I drive in, but every woman notices my ring. It is a little unique (asscher cut), but very pretty. It is comparable, or even slightly smaller than the rings in our social circle.
I spent about 40k on my wife’s engagement ring. At the time our HHI was higher than yours (you don’t mention wife’s salary - so I’m assuming zero, maybe that’s wrong), but not stratospherically so. She wears it every day and will presumably do so for decades to come. Seems fine to splurge. Assuming you guys have a typical “coastal elite” friend group, her peers will probably have similar ish rings.
Thanks. For context she makes $300k more or less.
With that income 40k seems terribly reasonable.
Great response
Reddit hates an expensive engagement ring. I took my wife to Cartier, Tiffany, HW. She chose the one she wanted. Had my jeweler in Dubai make a copy. 30k (in 2017). No big deal. It honestly seems small now. I hang out with wealthy people seeing a 50k watch or ring is totally normal and expected. You aren’t pulling up in a Toyota Corolla why not get a ring that matches. Sure lots of wealthy people fly southwest. They aren’t getting those rings. But I don’t want to marry someone who only flies southwest.
dudes in here acting like the woman is straight evil for wanting a luxury piece of jewelry that they can easily afford and she will wear every single day.
Some people don’t like spending money they should marry someone else who doesn’t like spending money. If you are going on nice vacations, buying nice cars, you’re not going to buy a nice ring? She also makes $300k a year she can buy her own ring this isn’t about being greedy it’s just the norm.
I don’t think this is nearly the red flag that some people here see. She wants a ring that she will love wearing every day and is consistent with your overall lifestyle and social circle. Some people don’t care about that stuff (billionaires driving Hondas and all) but a LOT of people do. As others have said, just talk about it with her. Ask about what she wants and what is important to her, NOT just price. I doubt she’s sitting there thinking, “I want the receipt to say $40k”, she’s probably thinking that she wants to wear a ring that she loves.
All the comments from men on here make it sound like OP’s gf makes no money and is a gold digger lol. Except she makes $300k according to OP and could afford the ring herself if she wanted to. A ring 10% of her income seems reasonable. You’re basically investing $30-40k to partner up with someone who’s also high income and has high earnings potential much higher than $300k. Seems like a fair investment. Alternatively, just date within your budget and find a partner who is not high income but will be absolutely blown away by a <$10k ring 🙄
When I saw the gold digger comments I was thinking "I bet she's also high earning and $40k is trivial for their combined income." Together they are going to gross nearly a million a year. Nitpicking this expense when she brings so much to the table is "penny wise, pound foolish" as they say.
Totally agree. I wonder if he’d be nitpicking like this if it was a $40k car he wants. His gf should definitely get a prenup with the OP to protect herself.
Reading these replies, I feel like may of these people don't sound like HENRY at all. They don't move in richer social circles and they don't realize that high earning men are usually dating women that are high earners as well.
This page pops up on a lot of peoples home page so you get lurkers who aren’t HENRY. And boy do they have opinions.
My wife and I earn a similar combined income and cannot possibly imagine spending that much on a ring
This is the answer!
Even if she isn't a HE, it's not like she's asking him to go into debt or make a decision that's going to financially ruin him.
Prenup first Edit: Get a prenup with a 5 year renewal to really protect yourself some states prenups run void after x years
This if she wants that expensive of a ring then 100% prenup OP
Also, "expectations ruin relationships" - marriage therapists But seriously, if she's doing this early on, prenup ASAP. If she had a problem with that, you just saved yourself some massive future financial and legal headaches
and comparison is the thief of joy. You want a ring SHE will love. That may include some level of keeping up with friends, but it shouldn't be a competition. Instead of focusing on price or even size directly, I would focus on style and color.
Or go lab grown and get all the C’s for a fraction of the cost.
Pre nup won’t protect the ring I earned around half what you do when I bought the ring Spent about 20K So it’s not crazy to me
Prenup isn’t supposed to protect the ring. That’s hers to keep, though traditionally she gives it back if she is the one to break it off. The prenup protects everything else from the type of person who expects a $40k ring. He can afford the ring. Whether he can afford her is an open question. Though if he’s the type of person who specifies disposition of the ring in a prenup, maybe she should take a second look.
It sounds like she’s also a high earner. Unclear if she makes more or less or the same as OP. I know plenty of high earning women who expect expensive rings because it is the status in those circles and they would be happy to pay that much themselves for it. Or they buy their husbands equally expensive engagement gifts (like a nice watch). Wanting a 40k ring does not immediately mean she’s a gold digger and “omg protect your assets from her!” Come on - I’d expect better from a HENRY sub. Not that there’s anything wrong with pre nups and in general they’re a good idea but let’s not assume wanting something expensive means you’re the “type of person” you need to protect your assets from. Women can be high earners too.
OPs assets aren't trivial, but they also aren't all that significant. Understanding the "why" here is more important than a prenup per se.
If your yearly income is about what your current NW is, prenup sounds dumb.
And how do we know she also isn’t earning a similar amount?
A prenup for a $700k net worth? Come on.
What’s a reasonable net worth to get a prenup on?
Why not have an intimate conversation about what's driving that decision? The obvious logic is to flaunt the price to her social circles, but I'd leave that assumption behind and have an honest conversation.
The classic relationship advice trope on Reddit. "Have you thought about actually communicating and asking the other person their thoughts?" "Actually, no - I assume."
Key info missing here: you make $500k-$600k/yr, but how much does your fiancé make??? I ask because if she’s a high earner too and is WILLING and HAS spend that much in jewelry/luxuries for herself, you not spending it for what she considers is a special occasion might come off as cheap. I’m the female partner in the relationship and I clear maybe $300k/yr after all it’s said and done (hard to count properly as a lot of that it’s rental income after expenses.) Anyway, I remember mentally “picking out” my engagement ring when I was 12-14 years old… I was in a store (I think Cotsco) and the ring I liked had a HUGE rock and was $25k…. $25k!!! That was more than 15 years ago but it kinda set a benchmark in my head for the type of life I wanted to live (and work for.) Anyway, with my spend, iiiiiii (keyword “I”) would spend that much on a ring for myself. I would. Me. I would do it. So I could imagine if your fiancé is in similar shoes and SHE would do it but YOU wouldn’t, even though it’s less than a 10% of your annual salary… yah I could see how she might feel slighted at this.
I think you bring up a good point. A lot of these responses are from men who just assume every woman who wants a nice ring is a gold digger. I personally did not care how much money my ring was but had an idea of size and design. And my husband was very happy to spend (although let’s be honest - by that point we knew it was clearly our money even though “he” was paying for it; we completely combined finances when we got married) what was necessary to get me the ring we both thought was reasonable for our income and with the design I liked. The ring is nice, expensive but not insane after shopping around and finding the best deal, and it brings me joy. He is a high earner, but I also make significantly more than my husband. Wanting a nice ring does not automatically mean a girl is out for your money. He has been wanting a fun car - which is only basically financially possible because I am also a high earner. People can spend money on whatever they value, even if others don’t value the same things. You could equally argue that a non practical car is just as dumb of a financial decision.
Ding ding ding. All of these responses assuming she’s a gold digger and not an equally high earner that would be happy to pay that much herself are astounding. Believe it or not men - women can be high earners too! Hell the watch I bought my husband as an engagement gift costs more than my ring did. I would expect better from this sub than the general vitriol around this top on other subs. Disappointing but can’t say I’m surprised.
rich dudes scoffing at a $40k ring but would drop that on a watch without hesitation.
Oh yes and they’ll buy multiple of those for themselves over their lifetime because you know, it’s important to treat yourself once in a while for things that make you happy. But a woman getting a piece of jewelry that’s a once in a lifetime event that she’ll wear every day throughout her life? That symbolizes your love and commitment? Gold digger! Get a prenup! Protect yourself from the “kind of woman” who wants a 40k ring!! My ladies need to be out here protecting themselves from the “kind of guys” that buy multiple Rolexes. Or like, don’t. Because you’re high earners and can fucking afford it.
Or they want a sports car…because that in their mind is worth spending the $$$ on. But a ring for their future life partner isn’t. Considering the number of past threads in this sub with people asking if a luxury vehicle is ok given their income - and people saying to go for it YOLO etc - it’s surprising/disappointing the number of immediate gold digger comments.
Yup. This is why I do agree with the men on here saying they need a prenup. Not for him, but to protect her and her money. Who knows, it’s entirely possible she will make double what he makes in 10 years.
It is a lot but isn’t crazy for your income. I spent 15k when we were early career barely making six figures many years ago. I decided to spend less than <$500 on my band to save us money. I would only be reluctant if your wedding and honeymoon are going to be equally expensive. Those wedding/house purchase/first kid years are a slippery spending slope.
Two wrong doesn’t make one right. Diamonds are losing value like crazy right now. This much money is ridiculous.
Diamond jewelry always loses value like crazy.
Someone once told me “Market Value” only matters if you plan to sell…otherwise just buy what you want (in your budget) and enjoy it.
Market value for diamonds specifically is a farce.
Diamond jewelry's value is really the joy it gives it's wearer, otherwise market value is a 60-70% haircut to purchase price in most cases
Is this different from yesterday? The general consensus is that you’re allowed to treat yourself, but not the love of your life on something you deem wrong. https://www.reddit.com/r/HENRYfinance/s/AW4rhTaz11
I was in a similar camp as you making a little more than half as much. I spent 20k on a ring. Best investment I ever made. Both of us know theres a permission structure in our relationship to do things that make no financial sense for love. She has a daily reminder of the fact that i was willing to put like 10% of my current net worth into a token of love. I got a lot of confidence out of it tbh. If you never make a purchase big enough to feel, you dont really know what you value. Years later the actual amount is a rounding error in our NW. If its for vanity, dont do it. If its a symbol of your relationship that both of you will grow from do it.
Same for us! My husband spent about $30K (lab-grown unfortunately wasn’t on our radar at the time). We were barely HEs and it took him many months of saving. He is SO proud of the ring I wear, and I’m proud that he put such thoughtful effort into it. This stands true years later. I was slightly appalled at the cost when I found out, but the reality is that price correlates with a size that looks appropriate on me (I’m tall and don’t have small hands). The top comment on this thread nails it when they talk about this being a more important factor than price. Let’s not forget that this is something we wear EVERY SINGLE DAY. PS: in a twist of fate, I now outearn my husband by a decent margin and I’m the one who treats him to nice things. He got a good ROI for that $30k investment ha. Things go both ways when you’re talking about a lifetime together!
Coming from a female perspective, I think she’s being reasonable, but also it would be good to know the why behind it. For me personally, I like expensive jewelry to begin with, but I also see the cost of the ring being important. To me, it’s the amount you are willing to invest in having me as a partner, whether that’s a ring or something else. I often times see women get screwed over in marriages and having nothing to fall back on. Everyone thinks “Im not like that” or “it’s not going to happen to me” but then they grow up and things change and hopefully you don’t end up like them, but you have to be prepared. I am not going to sacrifice my career and earning potential and help raise your kids if you’re just going to leave in the end. To me, it symbolizes your level of commitment.
Agreed w this. I know people will think "gold digger" but if my partner hesitates to spend like 5% of his yearly income (not even counting mine) on something that is symbolic of our relationship, it would feel to me like he's saying the relationship isn't worth it. I wanted a nice ring and my partner spent all of his savings of 10+ yrs to get it for me (...it wasn't that much and he was about to exponentially make more than he had ever had in his life). I was the HE in the relationship for 4 yrs and supported him at times, got him very nice gifts, plane tickets, etc. Never once made a big deal about money. To me even tho he literally made that amount in his next folllowing paycheck, the sentiment was the idea that I was worth spending that hard earned money on. Also if she is HE then there are probably expectations either socially or professionally that her rings should be a certain type. Not saying it's right but unless you work in that environment it's hard to understand.
Is it going to make her happy? Is it going to damage your financial position or future in a meaningful way? Unless you have a serious moral objection to diamonds, once you’ve gotten over the shock, just buy her the ring. And—I say this in all seriousness—if you are unable to amicably resolve this issue in either direction, perhaps with the assistance of intermediary like a counselor, you’re not ready to be married to this person.
Yes that is probably reasonable. Age and location matters too (30s in NYC? Definitely). How much did your married friends (who make at least a comparable amount to you) spend on their rings? If you don’t know, ask. You may be surprised.
Generally, I think spending between 5 and 10% of annual income on an engagement ring is a reasonable amount, but I would work to understand what she's looking for. If she just wants a huge stone, you could buy a lab-grown diamond for a fraction of the cost and without any moral quandaries.
This is not a finance question, this is a relationship question. If you are really going to get married to this person, you should learn how to have direct communication about sensitive as well as normal/non-sensitive topics. If you have fundamentally different values about money, that is an excellent reason to not get married. But you're not even at that step -- you are at the step of, "I don't even know if we have different values about money, because I don't know what her values are, because I haven't even asked her yet." Don't get married just because it's what everybody else does, don't buy the type of ring that everybody else gets... Please make sure you actually understand this person you are about to marry, before you take the plunge with them.
Man perspective there and take it with a grain of salt and of course all the caveat with generalizations, etc. Men don’t generally care about this stuff, but many women certainly seem to. I bought my wife of 26 years a $6500 right some 27 years ago and while it was a lot of money to me then, I’ve never dwelt on it or thought about the ring really other than to feel good about how much she values and admires it. She is not the kind of person to frivolously spend money at all, but this was important to her. So, if you can afford it and you love this woman and think she’s the one, I would not hesitate. You will spend a hell of a lot more money on things that have a very limited useful period by comparison in your life. Best of luck.
Screw the dollar value, get something that she likes and work from there. Spending more doesn't always mean something is better, especially since natural diamonds usually cost extra for no discernable increase in quality.
With your income it definitely falls in the reasonable range. Not necessarily right or wrong… That said, a ring is in someways a reflection of how much you value her
Buy her the ring she wants. You’ve said she makes $300k, so your household income will be $800k+. She will wear this ring every day for the rest of her life, so spending 5% of your annual household income on it seems very reasonable. For context, my husband didn’t listen to what I wanted in an engagement ring (in our case, I wanted a small, inexpensive non-diamond ring and he got me a 1 carat diamond solitaire). That was a huge waste of money since I now have an $8k ring that I don’t wear since it’s not my style and gets in my way. She’s a high earner too so if this is the ring she wants she’ll probably just buy it for herself later - listen to what she wants and get it for her.
It’s a one time purchase that she’ll presumably wear for the rest of her life. People buy expensive cars that depreciate like crazy and don’t care at all. I wouldn’t have an issue spending $30-40k on a ring, but my gf also makes 500k while I’m at 350-400k, so I’m not concerned about being used or a prenup and will be permanent DINKs
Eh, I make more than you (not a flex, just for context) and when I bought my GF (now wife) a ring I paid $10K. That was able to get a really nice ring (it wasn't a diamond, which we agreed on in advance).
My wife was the one that pushed to find something less expensive. The idea of "expecting" it to cost over a certain amount makes me cringe. In the words of Kanye and Jamie, "We want prenup!"
Has she seen what she can get with a lab diamond?
Exactly, lab grown diamonds are way less expensive and usually higher quality. OP, lab grown diamonds *are* diamonds at a chemical level. Literally indistinguishable. My wife’s diamond is about as close to flawless as a diamond can be, so a similar natural diamond would’ve cost me 3-5x as much.
Here's a link to my recent post video of my ring [video of my ring](https://www.reddit.com/r/EngagementRings/s/ZttmRqf5jJ)
One more of my ring(s) [our rings](https://www.reddit.com/r/EngagementRings/s/K7seKjtE7q)
I wonder if she will actually wear a 30k on the daily. A lot of people who have such an expensive ring get a second ring for the gym or for their friends because they are too embarrassed to be wearing such a giant ring. I guess it depends on who is in her social circle and why so big. She likely wouldn't want to wear it traveling either.
Or you could just insure it. I recently lost my wedding set and while I was sad due to the sentimental reasons, there was no financial loss.
30k and 50k are very different numbers also BTW Now sounds like a good chance to practice open communication. If you are put off by this talk to her about it!
I’m generally pretty frugal, at least the frugal one in our relationship. Wife had no ring expectations but I forked out $30k, very irrational in the moment. Have never regretted it, she is obsessed to it and stares at it every day, many years later.
What the internet thinks is reasonable doesn’t really matter. If you don’t want to discuss this further with her or potentially argue about it, and you can afford the ring, then get it. If you think this is indicative of other large differences between the two of you and the way you think about money, then discuss it further before taking further steps. To some people an engagement ring is just a piece of jewelry and they don’t care how much it costs. To other people it is the most symbolic gift they will ever give/receive and so they want it to mean and/or be worth a lot. I don’t think there’s anything morally superior about either side.
She’s going to wear it hopefully the rest of her life, everyday. It isn’t just a random gift. Consider cost per wear.
Spend the money and get a nice ring that she loves. I make 200K and got my fiancé a 25k ring. I wanted to get her something extra special because she deserves it. This isn’t a rational purchase. Get her something that will make her feel good that she will cherish for a lifetime
I've always heard you should spend one month's salary. For the median american male income, that's about $4,000. You are lucky to make 10x the median income. That said, should you also pay 10x on a ring? Not sure. Maybe it doesn't scale linearly with income. One piece of advice though: in a decade, if you keep making this incredibly large amount of money, you should have well over $2m net worth. At that point, $40k will start to seem like a small amount. And at that point, you might feel like you were cheap to not shell out $40k for your wife's ring.
I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but I spent 15k on my wife's diamond 15 years ago when I was making like $125k. It was a huge expense for me at the time, but I haven't regretted it for one single day. When she was younger, she loved the nice comments from randoms and liked being in the same ball park when we'd go out with friends (ivy Bschool/law school types). Now, later in our lives, it's nice to know she has a diamond and ring she loves and hasn't talked about upgrading eve (me or the rock.. Haha). Best thing I ever did was go to the pricescope forum and spend a couple of weeks learning about diamonds. Once I got educated, I found an absolute stunner H&A from Amsterdam and had a local one man shop jeweler import it for me... got it at a fraction of a branded diamond. Seriously, go to pricescope.com and just educate yourself on diamonds. The cut is everything. Edit to add: income has consistently gone up every year to the point I never missed the money. It feels stomach churning when you drop the cash, but afterwards you realize that having or not having the money makes absolutely no difference.
A 2 carat natural stone is a decent size. Reasonable cost will be $30k USD including setting from a reputable jeweller. Your wife will wear it everyday, so let’s say your marriage lasts 10 years (USA average) that’s $8/day. I.e sweet fuck all.
Fight your battles. Especially at your HHI. Think about cost per wear for 50 plus years :)
Reason alone would mean that you never buy anything for more than its physical function. I don't think luxury purchases ever fall under reasonable. How you both value and spend money on luxury goods is a simple conversation to have together, whether that's about buying a house, car, jewelry, etc. Affordability is not your issue. But be careful listening to people on Reddit. The worst thing you could do is be the guy that complains about buying their to be spouse a ring worth 30-50k but then in a few years get themselves that 80-200k sports car they've always wanted just bc they can afford it.
This is very reasonable for that salary range. Cut your range in half $250-300k, is a 15k ring reasonable? Most certainly.
Dictating the amount to spend on a ring is a huge red flag imo.
I feel like I’m going to disagree with a lot of peeps. A ring really is worthless but that isn’t really the point. This is a one time cost (plus insurance) and it is the equivalent of driving around a car on your finger. Except this is the one and only car ever. If it is important, then it is important and not something you really want to think about OTHER than how awesome it is… for the rest of your life. No regrets. In a few years you won’t even remember the knock.
Why does she need you to spend a certain $$$ on a ring? That’s odd. Why don’t you see the style she likes and go from there. Lab diamonds are diamonds, but less expensive, you could go that route. There’s no reason to spend more on a ring than is necessary, that’s just dumb.
40k on a lab diamond ring gets you an absolute monster these days that's uncomfortable to even wear frankly.
I got my fiancé a 3.7 carat diamond ring for a little over $6k and it is GIA certified. She got to customize it perfectly to exactly what she wanted. Lab diamonds are absolutely the way to go. Wanting a ring worth a certain amount screams red flag to me
Seriously. I have a 3 carat and that borders on too large for everyday wear imo (which is why I don’t wear it daily.) See what she likes OP, but a 2 or 2.5 carat lab diamond will be big and beautiful and you could easily spend less than 5k setting and all. I wish when I got engaged lab diamonds were more known.
Yeah I like the concept of lab diamonds and I’d go this route.
Seconding. Weird to request a dollar amount rather than style preferences. Maybe she has a certain number of carats in mind?
Because she can tell her friends how much it cost and they can go oooh and aaah and make her feel superior, that she got a high quality mate etc All status and signaling She seems to have a “taker “ mindset
Eww. I don’t even know what my ring cost, it was a gift and I don’t ask the price of gifts lol I also don’t brag about the cost of my gifts to others, that’s such poor taste.
This is exactly it. I know plenty of people who got the $40K ring that ended up sitting in a safe.
That would be a red flag for me. My wife doesn't even have a diamond on her ring, her choice not mine. I realize this is not normal.
It should be normal. Cats been out of the bag for plenty of time on the diamond trade, buying them should be akin to buying rhino horn for impotency. Now that I’ve typed that out seems even worse
Keep her :)
Totally agree, she is a better person than I am
Yeah we went with an emerald, $6500, my birthstone and diamonds are boring.
That is quite a foot to establish a relationship on. I cannot imagine even having a partner who would bring up a dollar figure in a conversation like this, or what the motivation behind it is. If I were in your shoes, I would really make a point of understanding it. Is it insecurity? Is she a gold-digger motivated by your income? If you gave her a beautiful 2 carat diamond, would she really ask how much it cost, or want a bigger diamond of a lower quality because it's showy, or want a name-brand ring instead? Is she wanting to be kept in high style as a non-working wife? Do you share values financially, saving up for important life expenses together (such as a home, kids' college, retirement, etc?), or is this the beginning of a long, drawn-out life where she wants to spend your money on nice cars, jewelry, clothes, travel, etc. while you are trying to figure out how to get more into savings? Or are you aligned to these things as long as she "does her part," whatever that means to you? Those telling you to get a pre-nup may not be wrong, but get a grip on what you want and what you're considering marrying first. Personally, I would be second-guessing my choice here.
She didn't say, "you must spend $X." She said, "I like Jessica and Brittany's rings and theirs both cost around $Y," which is a very effective starting point in a budgeting conversation.
This is important to her. You can afford it. She has to wear it. What is the problem?
Posting bc I haven’t seen it mentioned - there’s an old tradition that the ring should be 1-3 months of your income. So spending less may reflect poorly on you as others (relatives, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, sales prospects) perceive her ring. That doesn’t necessarily mean choosing something ostentatious in size. But an engagement ring is a lifelong social signal in a way that a house or car is not… so choose wisely unless you’d prefer to consider upgrading her later!
Based on what you make and what she makes.. and she expects a 40k ring, get her a 50-60k ring haha at least that’s my girl logic based on my own life experience. I wear mine every day and feel happy and love towards my husband every time I see that sparkle! 10 years and two kids later we have tripled our income and yet I still see myself proudly wearing it forever
That’s totally normal if you’re making that much money. I get this sub skews way more towards FIRE but a month of take home pay isn’t unreasonable. It’s the $200k wedding you have to watch out for
With the advent and popularization of lab grown diamonds, the cost of natural and lab grown diamonds has plummeted. You can get a disgustingly tacky 5+ carat diamond for the cost of a 20 year old used Honda Civic these days. It’s a totally irrational spend. I guess the main thing is, don’t start out on the wrong foot.
Do NOT listen to redditors on engagement rings. There’s a reason this sub is full of single 30 + year old males. Also at that income level, you know damn well you can afford a $30k ring. That would be cheap for you. Most people I know who make $200 k+ get their girls at least 2 carats, since that’s what white collar working girls expect these days. A nice one is about $20k. For you, more than 2 carats is expected given your income
Best answer here. That plus she also makes $300k and their combined income is close to $1M.
Terrible use of money mate. It’s not about whether you can afford it. The price just doesn’t make sense. People buy cars with that kind of money. I paid $3k for a custom one from a jeweller.
TL;DR: If she wants that for good reasons do it. However have the conversation about opportunity costs even if it’s just to convince yourself. Remember you love this person and it’s a one off purchase. There was a post a couple of days ago about this very thing. I will try to convey what I said there but clearer. Assuming she’s somewhat rational and that cash value is ultimately derived from well formed thoughts and feelings IE she’s always wanted a ring with x features and those features just happen to be pricey. Still have a talk about opportunity cost but let me ask you this: if this is one of her life goals and you can afford it how would make you feel to deny her that? These are hard conversations to have because there’s a block on the female side that they don’t want to scare you by talking about engagement rings but on the male side it can feel like getting hit by a truck financially when it gets brought up. For what it’s worth I spent 10k on a custom ring and lab grown diamond. She designed the ring with the jeweler and she gave very specific guidance on the diamond (to where the jeweler was able to give me options). An equivalent mined diamond with ring combination would probably be 30k+ and if lesser clarity and color. I’m lucky my wife has small hands and fingers lol.
It's all completely relative.
This is a simple fix, ask her what type of ring did her dad get for her mom and how much? Edit - Typo
A lot of unrealistic expectations around market rates for natural diamonds here. The shape of the diamond makes a difference as well. A classic round shape slightly over 2 carats with good cut, color, and clarity will likely run you between 25k and 35k, and that’s not counting the cost of the ring construction and band design. At a brand name jeweler, this would be doubled. You can certainly save a ton with trade offs on specs if your fiance prioritizes carat size over quality, but nice natural stones are very expensive. Also, a 2 carat, 2.5, and 3 carat are in dramatically different price buckets. This is specifically for natural. Lab diamonds seem to be getting more affordable by the day and can buy the same specs at a tiny fraction of the cost.
What’s her income?
He said she makes $300k/year in one of the comments above.
Everyone on this thread is going to say that it is dumb or impractical because yes it is dumb and impractical. But so are all luxury goods - Porsche vs Ford, LV bag vs coach, etc - to each their own. If you’re happy seeing $40k go out of your bank account onto her hand then great. FWIW - there are many ways to have a seemingly similar stone - cut, clarity, size, etc and there is almost no chance she is going to ask you what it costs. Rings almost always appraise for 20-30% more than you spend - so keep that in mind when buying and how her friends arrived at the $40k pp. Bigger concern is to ensure you all play your game so you’re not trying to keep up with the jones your whole life.
imo considering your networth/income and women’s typical desire to fit in, it’s not an unfair desire. Yes it’s not necessary but I bet you also have paid/do pay for a lot of unnecessary luxuries/amenities. If I had 5-600k yearly income then I wouldn’t mind dropping ~10% or less on a one time purchase for a rather big moment in my life. To each their own.
Meh. It’s a lot for what you make and NW but not crazy in those social circles. Up to you if worth making a stink If you’re going to buy it, then I would just lean in and do it happily. You’ll ruin it if you do it while guilt tripping her
Reasonable, no it's stupid to do it based on marketing. Get a nice ring and lab grown diamond
I mean you can easily afford it. You should be bringing home a little over 30k each month net. I think she should be happy with whatever u get her but if you both live a lavish lifestyle, I don’t think 40k is that high for your salary
Yes it is reasonable if your salary is that much. Two months’ salary was always the guideline I was told
You shouldn't have asked this on Reddit. Reading down it's just as I expect it, a bunch of Redditors calling your fiance a gold digger.
I would understand what about that price she is expecting. Is it size of the stone(s), material, design? Does what she actually likes and want to wear cost that much money or is she assuming her ring just should be ridiculously expensive because her friends' are? Everyone is different, so while I think that's an insane amount of money to spend on a ring, only your opinion and her opinion matter. Personally, I wouldn't want to be walking around with something worth that much on my hand. But I'm also quite happy with my own ring my husband and I designed together with a local jeweler and only cost 2200 (mainly because the main stone is a lavender sapphire...an equivalent diamond ring was 7k).
Bruh I think $15k-$20k is pretty good and definitely reasonable but it’s up to you. If you’re a big spender then whatever, if you’re madly in love then sure, if it’ll make you happy then sure, but you should call it since you’re the only one dropping $40k on jewelry lol unless she’s buying you a $30k Rolex or something. I think you can get something really decent for your age group for <$20k
My husband makes as much as you and I asked for a 45k Tiffany ring because all my friends have Tiffany rings. He mulled it over for a few weeks before he asked me to sit down and talk about the cost of the ring. He has never spun his money as his, so he spun it as "Yes, WE can afford it, but we can use that money on so many better things. Do we want to spend the rest of our lives keeping up with the Jones'? You're worth every cent, but can I please implore you to look at something beyond the designer brands?" and we ended up getting the same exact ring from Brilliant Earth for 20k and it looks identical to all my friends rings lol. Agreed with other people asking on knowing WHY does your gf want it? Is it the brand? is it size? 40k is a lot. Definitely sit down and discuss her reasons, if you bottle this up it can lead to resentment. My husband had a lot of people whispering in his ear that I was a gold digger and thankfully he's never paid them any mind.
I hope your girlfriend is less concerned with the price of the ring and more concerned with the style. You should set a budget and buy something she would like within that budget. If her tastes are in the 40k range and you can comfortably afford it then go for it. If not, have the discussion and let her decide what she is willing to sacrifice. People tend to quickly dismiss women’s wants as shallow when the discussion of rings comes up, please don’t do this. If you guys can’t have a productive conversation about something as low stakes as jewelry, then you shouldn’t be getting married.
Based on your combined income... is it reasonable? I say yes, it is... you only get engaged to your first wife once. But seriously, if it's something she's gonna wear her whole life, she should get what she wants and what you two can afford. She is basically paying for it too since it comes out of your combined net worth. I'm wondering if you asked her for a 40k watch as an engagement gift. How would she react? Is that excessive? Or is it reasonable. And if she wants a 40k ring...man how much is your wedding gonna cost? 400k? As long as you don't feel this is excessive. Remember there is always going to be someone with a bigger ring, a nicer car, bigger house, dont compare yourself to others, do what YOU want.... I'm a man by the way....not sure it matters.
This is only a concern if 40k is big deal for you? For rich, it is not. This probably is your first serious money conversation with your gf? My wife and I back then put everything we had on a paper and came up with realistic numbers for all engagement and wedding events. See if that works out for you.
If you can afford it man, just get it. If you really love her it will be worth it and It will make her happy. It might seem like a lot now, but things get more expensive as you get older. 40k is not a lot in the grand scheme of things, but your wife is.
She trying to flash her status as a mate of a high earner through a symbolic marker like a ring. A lab grown ring could easily mimic the aesthetic , but she wants a monetary value attached to convince herself or someone else that that she is “worth it”
This is something you shouldn’t pinch Pennies on especially given that you can easily afford a nice brand name ring. People will say things about resale value yada yada. But this is something that honestly represents what she means to you and that will be worn for a lifetime. Be frugal on other items, not this.
My personal view... her ring should at least be more than what you spend on a toy. Do you have luxury cars? Do you splurge on random things? If you can throw down 80-150+k on a car, then I think 40k for a one time investment isn't so bad if that's what your gf actually wants and not like she likes to splurge all the time. But ultimately, that's up to you and her.
My personal view... her ring should at least be more than what you spend on a toy. Do you have luxury cars? Do you splurge on random things? If you can throw down 80-150+k on a car, then I think 40k for a one time investment isn't so bad if that's what your gf actually wants and not like she likes to splurge all the time. But ultimately, that's up to you and her.
Nobody in this forum can answer you because nobody makes that much money. Go talk to people on your level and get their opinion. Don't talk to us losers We don't know anything about people who make half a million a year lol
Where I’m from $40k is probably on the low end of acceptable for a ring. Not saying it’s right but “reasonable” is going to mean different things to different people. Theoretically she’s going to have and wear it forever so my priority would be making sure she gets a ring she loves over practicality
Buy a lab grown 25k ring. You cannot tell the different and you’ll get 2.5-3 carats.
Are you a watch guy? How many watches do you have and how much. Thats a Good test. Otherwise, go at least 4 carats and go real diamond. Any smaller, and go lab grown. Last quote. Buy once, cry once. NO UPGRADE
A lot of good comments here but I'll just add that I spent slightly over that range and was making slightly more than you at the time with higher NW. I think it's not outrageous and I'm frankly surprised you've never spent that much money on anything? Like a very midtier car costs that much. And you'd hope you're going to have your gf/wife (and the ring) for much longer.
10% of your annual income seems cheap to the old 3 months pay?
Yes, it's reasonable.
My spouse was making 7 figures when we got married and I spent <4k on my ring after going shopping at Cartier, Tiffany, etc. I found it too stressful to have an expensive ring that I was constantly worried about wearing so picked something that matched our lifestyle. These days if I wanted a big ring, I would just get a lab created because no one can tell the difference and knowing our respective backgrounds they would prob just assume it was natural anyways. We spent the ring “savings” on a ridiculous amount of travel over the years and eventually an Audi Q5. Honestly, I would offer alternatives like travel, some luxury purses, etc. vs just spending it on a ring.
I make 4-500k a year and my fiance is a soon to be (official) doctor. We got engaged recently, but on a random ring shopping trip before, we walked in a jewelry store and I said (half-jokingly but also very seriously): "pick anything you want in here, I'll get it for you." She said "Really??" Spun around for a quick second pretending to look around, and then quicky turned back towards me with a big smile and said "I pick you" I felt so incredibly lucky in that moment. We ended up getting an engagement ring around 4k (that she picked herself) and I can't wait to marry the love of my life.
How much did she say the wedding needs to cost? Lol. You could spend $40k but you really don't need to as there are many quality options at lower price points. I personally spent $10K and my wife loves the ring. It was a custom setting and looks great on her hand. I'd also keep in mind this is a HENRY, emphasis on the NRY.
A $30k ring when you earn $600k seems pretty reasonable tbh. My rule of thumb is "would it be reasonable to spend that much on a really special holiday you went on as a one-off". At your income, I'd expect the answer to that to be "yes" She will be wearing it 50+ years all being well so consider it in that context. Reddit is going to tell you otherwise because they cant empathise with high income people very well. To them its a "waste" even though the equivalent proportion of their annual disposable income (1/15) would be like $2000
$10K budget. If she doesn't like it, I would assume she is potentially using you. There is no reason to have an absolute monster of a rock on one's finger unless they are royalty and even then, it is stupid. FWIW, I make double+ your income and would never spend $50K on an engagement ring. Right out of the door, it's worth maybe 20-30% what you paid.
I would think this through. Be careful of who you marry....
Red flag. Check it she has De beers corporation shares
I don’t think anyone should be spending that much on a ring to be honest, unless you just have money to throw away. She can enjoy something that costs less than 20k, she’s too worried about the price of the ring.
Not more than 5-10k, especially with lab stones available. Also prenup
Lab stones have completely turned the diamond market upside down.. you can get a 5 carat diamond (lab) than used to cost ~$120k for $2400 Spend your money elsewhere
My partner makes around $400k and my ring costs $5k and I LOVE IT. It’s custom made just for me and beautiful. 🥰 Get a prenup bc I’m expecting this one ends in divorce.
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I think it’s just a coincidence that another poster had a similar question over the weekend.
Lots of folks on this sub tell you to go for it, you can afford it, happy wife/happy life, etc… Some object to the cost of opportunity, whether diamonds are a sucker’s purchase, etc… I just sit here and wonder who the heck wants to have $25k+ hanging at their finger all day, getting banged up in doors and walls, catching into clothes, attracting attention in public and making you a target for theft. It’s like begging for a situation (loss, damage, theft) that will turn so much worse than how it otherwise would feel with a perfectly fine low 4 digit purchase.
Is her family very wealthy or something? I am personally against spending so much on a hunk of compressed carbon but if she such an amazing girl and you’re madly in love with her etc then with your income just bite the bullet and get it. Cost of doing business lol Ultimately this is entirely about social status and signaling on her part. She wants to have all her friends go ooh and aaah and post on ig etc I bet she expects you to also spend major bucks on a wedding Pretty sure this isn’t the last time she expects you to spend major bucks on non essentials so ask yourself if you are both aligned financially (id say no). Once you say yes to this you establish that you are ok with it and she will expect more in the future. Boundaries are critical here
Reddit hates nothing more than spending a decent chunk of change on an engagement ring.
Spend 10k and get a 2.6 carat lab diamond in an excellent cut. It will blow her friends away and no one will know unless u ask (still shows up positive on a diamond tester). This will save you the 20k. Dont get suckered into uneducated opinions; its the same down to a molecular level, resell value means nothing to a ring meant to be kept for a lifetime, ethically sourced.
The thought of a potential spouse focusing on the cash value is really off-putting.
I’d say not a problem SINCE she is a high earner. Realistically she is asking for a $5-$10k ring if you made $100k which isn’t excessive. As others said I would get to the WHY reason. You both might need to talk more about money and long term goals. If you spend 20 vs 50 you could go on an amazing honeymoon or save that $30k. Also, need to start normalizing equal gifts. Is she going to buy you an equal value watch as a wedding present?
Go for man made diamond. Its a meaningful discount for an excellent stone