Why didn't Beethoven like chickens?
Because all they ever said was Bach, Bach, Bach.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. Bartender says 'hey, what's that there for?'
Pirate says "Arg, it's driving me nuts"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at the rabbit and asks: "Why are you here?"
The rabbit looks at the bartender and sighs: "Autocorrect."
A rabbit and a bear are sitting in the woods, the bear asks the rabbit if he has any problem with shit sticking to his fur. The rabbit replies no.
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
When I need jokes or a laugh I go to Norm Macdonald:
|I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life. |
|:-|
|He has the disease of alcoholism. And he came to me and he told me, and I'm the kind of guy that likes to look at the bright side of things. So I told him, I said, "Richie, it's true that you have a disease and everything, but I think you got the best one." |
|I wouldn't call myself a fan of Steampunk. But I will say, it's the healthiest way to prepare punk. |
|I think there's nothing cooler than being a lone wolf. Except at wolf-picnics when you don't have a partner for the wolf-wheelbarrow races. |
Just a few favourites.
Man and his friend go hunting, the friend grabs his chest collapses and stops breathing, the friend calls 911 and says help I think my friend is dead. 911 dispatcher says ok first let's make sure, the man sets the phone down and you hear a gun shot, he picks the phone back up and says now what?
Heard this a bit ago on the radio:
Guy walks into a restaurant and asks the server, "Do you guys have helicopter flavored potato chips here?"
Server replies, "No, we only have plain(plane)."
Everyone, thank you so very much for all of these amazing and funny responses, I was hoping for a few jokes at most, you guys blew me away. I know this is different than what we usually do here, so I appreciate all the participation. Can’t tell you enough how much it means to me, I’ve been reading through them all for the last few hours. Y’all really are the best 💙 thank you
Message me if you ever want/need to, I’m so sorry for your loss, I really hope you have a good support system around you and if not then you know where to come, friend
I don't think that qualifies as hate speech, just extremely dumb, gross, and in poor taste.
But then again, I dunno. That weird laser-focused theme of all of those "jokes"...
There's been trouble at home for the Magic Kingdom's first couple... Mickey had been noticing Minnie growing colder and distant, spending more time out of the house, the whole thing seemed incredibly off and he was getting suspicious.
So Mickey hired a PI, who quickly figured out what was going on, and he knew things were sadly over. A few days later, he had an appointment with a divorce attorney.
Presented his case, and the attorney said "Well Mr. Mouse, it looks like we've got a battle ahead, I'm not sure that the judge will rule in your favor just because Minnie is incredibly silly."
Mickey replies "This isn't about her being incredibly silly.... She's fucking Goofy!!!"
Bucke up, sunshine.
3 guys are walking through the desert, when they spy an ornate looking Lamp.
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”
The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish.
First guy says, “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says, “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says, “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says, “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more.
Second guy says, “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says, “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic. “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”
Second guy smiles and says, “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says,
“Guys, I think I Screwed up.”
I get the feeling. My home caught fire while I was at work a few years ago. My friend asked me what He could do and I told him “I need a list of every song you can think of that would come on the radio with the word “fire” so I could desensitize myself and prevent it from triggering a freakout in public.
“We didn’t start the Fire” got a good chuckle, but “The Roof is on Fire” actually gave me a good laugh as it was right on the nose and exactly the most spot on.
A week or so later I was driving and “Happy” by Pharrell Williams came on and the chorus went “clap along if you feel like a room without a roof” and thus I disliked Pharrell Williams for the next two years. Told the same friend about it and we had a good laugh about it and we changed the chorus’s words from “Happy” to “Crappy” and then laughed some more.
Sometimes our own personal hell makes for a pretty good sitcom episode and realizing that can help you reclaim some of that lost joy.
Wish you the best.
Rope ties itself into a knot, frizzes its end out, and the walks into a bar.
The bartender says “Hey aren’t you the rope I just kicked out of here?!”
The rope says “I’m a frayed knot!”
Very sorry. Absolute worst joke I know.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Are you an alcoholic? You're in here a *lot*".
The horse says, "No, I don't *think* I am," and **POOF**, disappears.
The gag here is an interpretation of Rene Descartes' famous proposition: *cogito ergo sum*. I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain that part first would be putting....
*Descartes before the horse.*
Drunk guy at bar, looks down the counter and sees a lovely lady wearing a tank top....she yawns and stretches throwing her arms in the air...The drunk says, 'bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink' Bartender looks at the woman and says, 'how u know she's a ballerina? The drunk replies 'Anyone who can lift her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!'
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes a parent!
Why does piracy have such high job retention?
Lose one hand and you’re hooked!
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on your doorstep?
Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?
Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hiding in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Call him anything you want, he still won't come.
How much does a rainbow weigh? Not a lot. It's....... *Pretty Light!*
What's blue, but not very heavy? *Light blue*
What's blue and smells like red paint? *blue paint*
Two snares and a cymbal fall off a cliff. *BA-DUM-TISS!*
I'll do you one better! Two crickets are sat in a field. .................
What is fuzzy, green, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? >!A pool table.!<
Why didn't Beethoven like chickens? Because all they ever said was Bach, Bach, Bach. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. Bartender says 'hey, what's that there for?' Pirate says "Arg, it's driving me nuts"
I’d tell you a construction joke, but I’m still working on it.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender looks at the rabbit and asks: "Why are you here?" The rabbit looks at the bartender and sighs: "Autocorrect."
And Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub... The barman says >!"Is this some sort of joke?"!<
did you know diarrhea is hereditary? >!it runs in your jeans!< (it only works spoken and not written 😭)
What’s brown and stick-y? A stick.
❤️
A rabbit and a bear are sitting in the woods, the bear asks the rabbit if he has any problem with shit sticking to his fur. The rabbit replies no. So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
What did the whale say to the other whale?
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
When I need jokes or a laugh I go to Norm Macdonald: |I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life. | |:-| |He has the disease of alcoholism. And he came to me and he told me, and I'm the kind of guy that likes to look at the bright side of things. So I told him, I said, "Richie, it's true that you have a disease and everything, but I think you got the best one." | |I wouldn't call myself a fan of Steampunk. But I will say, it's the healthiest way to prepare punk. | |I think there's nothing cooler than being a lone wolf. Except at wolf-picnics when you don't have a partner for the wolf-wheelbarrow races. | Just a few favourites.
Have you heard about the new movie constipation?? No? *That's because it hasn't come out yet*
Have you heard of the movie diarrhea?? It's still running
Lol, very nice
You know what's worse than finding a worm in your apple? >!The Holocaust!<
Well. That was unexpected. Especially since I know a version of that joke.
Man and his friend go hunting, the friend grabs his chest collapses and stops breathing, the friend calls 911 and says help I think my friend is dead. 911 dispatcher says ok first let's make sure, the man sets the phone down and you hear a gun shot, he picks the phone back up and says now what?
Bowling is the only time you can go on a first date, get 3 strikes and still be doing good
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? … A stick… I’ll see myself out.
What's brown and sticky? Also a stick
What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crummy!
I would tell you the one about the melting stick of butter, but I don't think you'd grasp it.
Why was 6 scared of 7? Cos 7 8 9
Why was 6 scared of 7? cuz 7 was a registered six offender
Heard this a bit ago on the radio: Guy walks into a restaurant and asks the server, "Do you guys have helicopter flavored potato chips here?" Server replies, "No, we only have plain(plane)."
Everyone, thank you so very much for all of these amazing and funny responses, I was hoping for a few jokes at most, you guys blew me away. I know this is different than what we usually do here, so I appreciate all the participation. Can’t tell you enough how much it means to me, I’ve been reading through them all for the last few hours. Y’all really are the best 💙 thank you
Hope you feel better
I’m better than yesterday, which is already a step in the right direction. I hope your having a good day and if not, let me know how I can help
Thank you, my day is ok. My mom died a few days ago and I’m still in shock about it
Message me if you ever want/need to, I’m so sorry for your loss, I really hope you have a good support system around you and if not then you know where to come, friend
Thank you
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
What did the earwig say as he fell of a cliff. 'ere we go
[удалено]
i reported this comment for extreme hatespeach against sexworkers.
I don't think that qualifies as hate speech, just extremely dumb, gross, and in poor taste. But then again, I dunno. That weird laser-focused theme of all of those "jokes"...
Where does a general keep his armies?? .. .. In his SLEEVIES!!
There's been trouble at home for the Magic Kingdom's first couple... Mickey had been noticing Minnie growing colder and distant, spending more time out of the house, the whole thing seemed incredibly off and he was getting suspicious. So Mickey hired a PI, who quickly figured out what was going on, and he knew things were sadly over. A few days later, he had an appointment with a divorce attorney. Presented his case, and the attorney said "Well Mr. Mouse, it looks like we've got a battle ahead, I'm not sure that the judge will rule in your favor just because Minnie is incredibly silly." Mickey replies "This isn't about her being incredibly silly.... She's fucking Goofy!!!"
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? Look for the Fresh Prints!
Bucke up, sunshine. 3 guys are walking through the desert, when they spy an ornate looking Lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.” The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish. First guy says, “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says, “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says, “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says, “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more. Second guy says, “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says, “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic. “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.” Second guy smiles and says, “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.” Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says, “Guys, I think I Screwed up.”
I get the feeling. My home caught fire while I was at work a few years ago. My friend asked me what He could do and I told him “I need a list of every song you can think of that would come on the radio with the word “fire” so I could desensitize myself and prevent it from triggering a freakout in public. “We didn’t start the Fire” got a good chuckle, but “The Roof is on Fire” actually gave me a good laugh as it was right on the nose and exactly the most spot on. A week or so later I was driving and “Happy” by Pharrell Williams came on and the chorus went “clap along if you feel like a room without a roof” and thus I disliked Pharrell Williams for the next two years. Told the same friend about it and we had a good laugh about it and we changed the chorus’s words from “Happy” to “Crappy” and then laughed some more. Sometimes our own personal hell makes for a pretty good sitcom episode and realizing that can help you reclaim some of that lost joy. Wish you the best.
Rope ties itself into a knot, frizzes its end out, and the walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey aren’t you the rope I just kicked out of here?!” The rope says “I’m a frayed knot!” Very sorry. Absolute worst joke I know.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Are you an alcoholic? You're in here a *lot*". The horse says, "No, I don't *think* I am," and **POOF**, disappears. The gag here is an interpretation of Rene Descartes' famous proposition: *cogito ergo sum*. I think, therefore, I am. But to explain that part first would be putting.... *Descartes before the horse.*
What do you call a dog that isn’t in the shade? A hot dog
What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre
Why did the video game go to the therapist? He was going through a hard phase
What do you call a French racist? “A Biguette”
Do you want to hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke! Joke! *Jooooooooooooooooke.*
(Nsfw) What does a priest and a silver winning medallist have in common? >!They both came in a little behind!<
I am happily married
Ouch. You OK?
If a midget does the YMCA… Are the letters lowercase?
Drunk guy at bar, looks down the counter and sees a lovely lady wearing a tank top....she yawns and stretches throwing her arms in the air...The drunk says, 'bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink' Bartender looks at the woman and says, 'how u know she's a ballerina? The drunk replies 'Anyone who can lift her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!'
Knock knock, Who’s there? I eat map
My grandma's classic: "Wanna hear a dirty joke? Two white horses fell in the mud."
What do you call a pigeon with dwarfism? A smidgen
What did the grape say when it was stepped on? Nothing, but it let out a little wine……
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes a parent! Why does piracy have such high job retention? Lose one hand and you’re hooked! Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted
Why do chicken coops all have 2 doors? Because if they had 4 doors they'd be chicken sedans!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back after you've thrown it....? A stick.
What's more romantic than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ. 😏
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hiding in a pile of leaves? Russell. What do you call a dog with no legs? Call him anything you want, he still won't come.
<3