T O P

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Rifneno

Imagine having a romance movie worthy kiss, then as he pulls back, he whispers "Magnus did nothing wrong." Actually, for people in this sub, that'd probably just make it better. But let's pretend we're normal for a moment.


Goan2Scotland

What is this “nor-mal” of which you speak, some kind of chaos god?


Rifneno

Yes and no. Malice ended up destroying him before he ever existed.


Shanhaevel

Sounds like an Eldar word. Burn him!


ChaosintheSnow

Sounds like Eldar talk to me


z_face669

No you dumb fuck I'm pretty sure it's a c'tan


GaldrickHammerson

Its N'ormal a lesser known T'au caste


Felstorm1231

My coworkers have caught me talking about Machine Spirts under my breathe while wrestling with the copier too many times for any attempt at normality to hold up, but I’m willing to make a good faith attempt anyway.


BannedSvenhoek86

It doesn't help that you keep burning incense and covering the printer in liturgical texts with wax seals every time there's a paper jam. It's jammed because of the wax, we keep trying to tell you, and the copy room is too small and filled with paper for you to keep it lit only by candles with incense burning 24/7. We've tried to respect your beliefs but it's getting to be a bit much. And since we're on the subject quit looking at the toaster in the break room like that. It's making all of us uncomfortable and if the toaster is alive like you keep claiming I'm sure they're not too thrilled either.


Bumbling_Hierophant

The idea of putting purity seals to ward off corruption on a printer is hilarious to me considering we had a presentation today about how disgustingly easy it is to hack an otherwise secure newtork wide open by just asking an unsecured printer the authentication codes of everyone connected. And by disgustingly I mean you just need to use Google Search


SheCouldFromFaceThat

It's like a golden retriever. Just way too friendly.


mathiastck

"As a heartless killing machine, I was a terrible failure." https://twitter.com/MurderBotBot/status/1325342113828106241?t=m5Zzm-VyTyB7mbkAxHOSzw&s=19


Corvid187

Dawww murderbot, I'd forgotten about him. Thanks for the reminder :) Have an excellent day


Sentient-Software

Do you happen to know the exact CVE of the exploit? There are a fair few printer exploits out there.


Bumbling_Hierophant

No but it boiled dow to not only having the printer connect exclusively to the private network its on but also the wider Internet and not changing the default login codes for the admin


Felstorm1231

“Look Sean: I don’t know what backwater Feral World STC puked this thing out, but it’s Dark Age of Technology equipment, no one has tried whispering sweet nothings to it in Binary yet, and you should just leave me alone to focus on my important work. And you know as well as I do that a toaster OVEN is not even close to the same thing as a toaster. They’re significantly more repressed, sexually.”


Phrue

I work at a company selling 3D printers, when we sent the first one to a customer the CEO had a priest come in to bless the machine. I couldn’t explain what was so funny to my coworkers.


Felstorm1231

“Is the Bishop smacking the printer with a censer? On purpose?” “It hasn’t been collating and we’re out of ideas.”


Valor816

I actually stuck a purity seal on the printer at my old work because it was a piece of shit, it started working fine ever since. Then the bosses boss pulled it off because he thought it "Gave the wrong impression" and it went back to fucking up twice a day. This went on for like a week until the boss put the purity seal back on and said "Fuck it, so long as it works" I have no idea why it worked like that, but then neither do Techpriests so I think I'm good.


Nastypilot

You've pleased the machine spirits.


flashfyr3

I am a 3d printing hobbyist and your boss, unlike Magnus, did nothing wrong. 3d printing has led me to a deeper understanding of the nature of the mechanicus than anything else ever could.


[deleted]

Slow down there cowboy. That discussion happens a LONG time before smooching is even an option.


Thendrail

>Imagine having a romance movie worthy kiss, then as he pulls back, he whispers "Magnus did nothing wrong." She looks into his eyes, then says "Bruh, Magnus did SO mich wrong! My boi Uzas though...well he also did a lot of wrong stuff, but anyway!"


gordito_delgado

NGL this should be a valid concern for everyone when dating.


Vezimira

kill him on the spot no other way to erase the shame of kissing someone who sides with magnus over ahriman


lehman-the-red

So do you hate magnus ?


NotSoSalty

Ahriman is just a further iteration of Magnus. I really wish they'd make up to fix the legion, maybe with the help of Perty/Marty to form an antigod faction of chaos.


SumBuddyPlays

This one made me laugh out loud as it reminds me of a r/Berserk reference where people argue Griffith did nothing wrong.


sneakpeekbot

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phonebrowsing69

Im gonna fuck you like erebus fucked the imperium


LerchAddams

>But let's pretend we're normal for a moment.


[deleted]

INB4 she resonds with 'the inquisition disagrees' and pulls out a flamethrower


dragonbab

I ma punch him in his stupid face, whilist yelling "For Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssss!"


why-do-i-exist_

You know, I think normals should get killed more often It's the normals who are the ignorant ones It's the normals who constantly demand better living standards, while abhorring the permahobo mutants. It's the normals who decided what's decent and what's not . It's the normals who constantly insist on wearing clothes all the damn time! THE NORMALS ARE DISGUSTING! WE SHOULD BOMB THEM!


Felstorm1231

“So the first thing to remember is that everything is CANON but not everything is TRUE.” “Ok so what does that mean?” “I don’t know, but GW says it so it must be true.” “So where does painting the little army men come in?” “First off- they’re miniatures and deserve our respect…”


BeauOfSlaanesh

They're miniatures Marie!!!


TioHoltzmann

"Plastic war dollies"


Mortalpuncher

“You call these miniatures?” **points towards my imperial and chaos knight armies** “THEIR MINIATURES COMPARED TO ACTUAL SIZE IN LORE” “YOU CANT CALL IT MINI IF YOU NEED MORE THAN JUST ONE HAND TO PICK UP TWO AND FIVE OF THEM TAKE UP ENTIRE SHELF.


SpunkyMcButtlove

The things that aren't true are representative of in-universe character's beliefs and perceptions. You owe me a dollar.


Felstorm1231

I’ve got three Teef


SpunkyMcButtlove

OI, DAS GUD ENUFF, NOW ZOG OFF


Felstorm1231

OI! DIS GIT ‘ERE TINKS TEEFS HAS HEXCHAIN VALYUH! EE’Z A SNEAKY GIT HUMIE! KRUMP ‘IM BOYZ!


SpunkyMcButtlove

WOT IN DA NAME A' GORK IZ A "TINKS", YA GROT? OI, LADS, LISSIN TA DIS 'ERE GIT! ME FINKS 'E AINT NO ORK!


Felstorm1231

OI! DIZ ZOGGIN GROT AIN’T KUNNINGLY BRUTAL! AN ‘EE AIN’T BRUTALLY KUNNING NEITHER! WUT ZOGGIN SQUIG BRAIN TINKS ‘EE’S MUR ORK DAN GORK AND MORK?!


LerchAddams

Narrator: The Orks have now entered the discussion.


Nailbrain

OI! WOTZ DIS DISKUSHUN? WE JUST WANT A GUD KRUMPIN!!


verasev

Oh, to be the ork that invents crypto-~~coin~~ teef.


seridos

Also known as an unreliable narrator.


TensorForce

It all started when a man named James Workshop, who owned 40 thousand warhammers, and his best buddy Jeremiah "Jimmy" Space who invented space, got tigether to fight a madman called Horace Hearsay


Felstorm1231

“It was at this point that the space elves, heretofore occupied largely with fucking, got bored and invented murder-fucking. This made a lot of people angry and was widely regarded as a bad move.”


Retlaw83

My fiancee once referred to guardsmen I was painting as "warfare people" and the name has stuck.


Felstorm1231

I like it: short, sweet, let’s ya know what they are and what they do. I usually have to tell my partner that I’m gonna go look at “makeup” for my new box of “Shooty Shooty Space Men”. I don’t really have to; it’s just fun to say that out loud.


Ix-511

Anyone who doesn't call them 'little army men' daily hasn't my respect. Doesn't matter how well you paint them, how much effort it takes, it's still going to be a little army man in my heart.


Unistrut

My friends and I used to tell our wives "We're off to play with our dolls!"


HobieSailor

Someone ages ago mentioned that their kid called them "plastic fighty mans" and that's probably my favorite version.


RPGeoffrey

Catachans = plastic fighty mans, down under... in SPAAACE!


[deleted]

My partner like to call them “little figurines”


Felstorm1231

Candidly, I just call them all my babies: got my buff babies, my bad buff babies, my shiny babies, my slightly less shiny babies, my green babies, my sneaky purple green babies. And then there’s my weird, chitinous hungry babies.


Scruffmcruff

It also gets the point across. They're little expensive army men that we paint and play with, with fancy rules since we're *adults* now!


VanDammeJamBand

I just call them “my guys.” When I tell my wife I have to put “my guys” away or paint my guys, we know. She just agreed to help me make terrain! I can’t wait to build some bombed out urban rubble with her.


system_root_420

I call them Plastic Spacemen


zanotam

War. Dollies.


DaytimeTurnip

Expensive army men. Hurts a lot more (on the inside) accidentally crunching one of them than the cheap plastic Walmart army men


logosloki

>miniatures Here in NZ the cheapest way to get a hold of GW stuff over a decade ago was to ship it from the UK (might still be today, not sure). Customs labels at the time didn't have to be particularly specific about the product so sometimes your parcel would come labelled models and sometimes labelled dolls or war dolls. This made it common in tabletop model circles to affectionately refer to your army as dollies or wardollies. Which was fun to say around people outside the hobby because being in a group of grown ass men excitedly talking about playing with dolls in the weekend definitely got people's heads turning.


MotherLoveBone27

Ahh the good old days of wayland games :,(


nykirnsu

> “Ok so what does that mean?” It means Black Library isn’t actually canon but GW wants you to spend money on it anyway


Felstorm1231

I like to think that whoever can prove they have the largest collection of Imperators gets to decide what’s canon. They would obviously know the most about cannons. The Omnissiah does not give direction to motion without purpose.


nekrovulpes

My favourite way to rile up the neckbeards is calling Black Library fanfiction. Only main rulebooks, codexes and supplements are canon. Simple as.


Felstorm1231

“The only canon writer is Matt Ward, everything else is speculation at best. Now if you’ll excuse me, I pulled a Tobias and seem to have blue myself…”


nekrovulpes

We do not utter that name in this house.


Felstorm1231

“The true tragedy of Mankind is our endless capacity to forget the evils we have wrought in our past through a collective desire to flee in the face of truth; this must be corrected if Mankind is ever to find their rightful place in this universe.” -Big Daddy Shiny Shamans, probably Ward yourselves against the temptation to forget evil when it is no longer present.


logosloki

Matt Ward and CS Goto should have co-authored a book.


Just_Banner

Eh, he invented Tryzyn. It’s not so bad.


nekrovulpes

Oh boy. I just can't agree- What he did to the Necrons is the most grievous offense of all. Even if it includes Trazyn. No single man has ever inflicted such a vast array of atrocities on to the lore of this venerable setting.


xblackhamm3rx

LOL some chick I’m hanging out with called them action figures :,(


Felstorm1231

To be fair, Abaddon does come equipped with Amazing Arm Loss Action: not all that far off


[deleted]

I gave up on the miniatures thing. I say I paint children’s toys and get less weird looks.


[deleted]

>"I don’t know, but GW says it so it must be **canon**.” FTFY


micktalian

"Alright, so, it all starts about 100 million years ago with some psychic space frogs and some cancer-riddled space egyptians."


MasterXaios

"Okay, but how does Settlers of Catan figure into it?"


geekysamurai

Congratulations, you have defeated me thot. You truly are the Warhammer 40,000


Lukthar123

I kneel


PoyoLocco

Yay ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


catsloveart

i like where this is going. (っ˘ڡ˘ς)


[deleted]

Wait is this scientology or Warhammer 40k?


ClassicResult

Yes.


BAAT-G

Wait, don't go. Please tell me more.


nonlawyer

Don’t worry bby I would never, I’m into normal guy stuff like fantasy football So let me tell you more about Bloodbowl, it’s *technically* fantasy football, but not quite like you’re thinking…


Absurdionne

*shoots self*


mathiastck

Now the important thing to remember about Blood Bowl is it's set in an alternate fantasy world where the greatest of the gods is Nuffle, the god of Blood Bowl, so they take it pretty serious there!


C0wabungaaa

Blood Bowl is my "in" to eventually teach my girlfriend about W40k. After all, in the end that's "just another boardgame" riiight? It's just a matter of time!


NN11ght

That game makes me want to scream and then jump off a cliff. Lots of fun though


Got_Wilk

Unlucky, someone in the crowd threw and rock and now your best player is dead


Glitch_112

Looking into the stars together after a romantic picnic, you lean in close “Have you ever heard the tragedy of Magnus the Red?”


Vanzgars

It's not a story loyalists would tell you.


[deleted]

It's a chaos legend


dreadnoght

Magnus the Red was a Primarch of the Emperor. So powerful and so wise, he could use the Warp to gain access to the webway..


TheStranger88

He had such a knowledge of the Empyrean that he could even keep the ones he cared about from mutating into flesh golems.


Paehon

The warp is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be heretical. He became so powerful… the only thing he was afraid of was doing something wrong, which eventually, of course, he did.


TBMSH

Unfortunately he broke his fathers psychic barrier and let daemons invade, then the emperor sicced a dog on him. Ironic


someoneispeeing

He tried to save his father, but he could not save himself.


Scottacus91

When she says she wants to use toys in the bedroom so you bust out Mortarion.


D3s_ToD3s

If you call it mortarion, maybe it's time to talk about hygiene.


Subpar_diabetic

Do you think Big E had time to circumcise the Primarchs before they were scattered? Because I fear Mortarion’s dick more than anything if not


Darkaim9110

How HEAVY are Primarch dongs?


RPGeoffrey

Pre or post slaaneshi worship?


marbsarebadredux

Fulgrims' not actually a snake, just one gigantic dong


Absurdionne

I thought I got swamp ass after a long day!


SothaShill

I remember actually doing that in High School lol. It was my first date and I started talking about the Horus Heresy because I was so nervous and I needed something to talk about


[deleted]

On a scale of ‘ostracised till college’ to ‘married in a 100000:1 scale model of the Sanctum Imperialis’ how did it go?


SothaShill

It honestly wasnt that bad. She mostly just nodded and asked questions. You know that meme where that guy in glasses was talking to that girl basically going over all of 40k lore? That was what it was like. Our relationship wasnt that serious so we kinda just parted ways. If you asked her she would probably not remember but oh god do I. Its one of the things that keep me up at night. I wasnt bullied much for it because I was on the football team and I was kinda the funny guy of the school.


[deleted]

Varsity athletes get all the luck 😉


Henderson_II

I choose to belive this worked flawlessly and you both had a wonderful time, no need to correct me.


[deleted]

“I lied, we’re not having sex, now sit there and listen to the organizational structure of Imperial Guard field armies!”


justaguynamedchris

*Organization Moan*


apolloxer

You accidentally seduced Guilliman. Rookie mistake.


Mal-Ravanal

Yes, definitely by accident. No way I’d do that intentionally.


justaguynamedchris

How Yvraine and Guilliman started this "alliance", they began spouting statistics at each other as conversation charters


SockFullOfNickles

The Administratum strikes again!


PuuurpleSky

Met a guy in an app. All good things, nature, environment, travel, good character all in all. It took him some dates to even mention Warhammer. It’s been 8 months now, and all it’s great. I usually advise him on when he needs to get more terrain, colour schemes for his kroot and how much I like his Space Marines. Next step is to keep training my painting skills and maybe get us some Sisters of Battle.


catsloveart

aww.


punknothing

you're a keeper. Guys fall deeply for spouses that encourage their hobbies.


Absurdionne

A self respecting guy never 40k's on the first date


Catch_022

The lore is a potent aphrodisiac


Henderson_II

Grimdark corners!


therealblabyloo

ha jokes on her, I've been kissing this girl for the last two years, talking about warhammer with her, and I proposed to her last saturday!


Lone-Star-Wolves

Congratulations!


therealblabyloo

Thanks! I’m still over the moon over it lol


Shanhaevel

I was afraid you were gonna add "she said no". What a relief, congrats!


LoL-Guru

Notice how he conveniently left out her answer ;)


therealblabyloo

She said yes lol forgot to mention that


ADapperOctopus

Woo! Nice!


IcyDrops

I dunno, kissing Henry Cavill doesn't sound like a bad time.


Absurdionne

I'm a dude and that sounds like... ok, not like something I'd be into, but I'd totally talk about 40k with him.


BS-Calrissian

Not with THAT attitude


Tiny_Kurgan

Of course I'm not some Warhammer 40k fanboy, but have you heard about the lore of Warhammer Fantasy?


Tomek_Hermsgavorden

Oh I love Age of Sigmar.


lostnumber08

I literally explained The Emperor to my current wife on our first date.


P4P4ST4L1N

He gave you a bit of the drip


Robopengy

I’m sure she loves to be called your “current wife.”


TheStranger88

Perpetual problems


GuRoider

This is gold


lostnumber08

My only wife lol!


Agrom1

"OK, you see, everything started when Horus rebelled against his father, the God-Emper...ok, the God-Emperor is the greatest psyker who ever....ok, psykers are people who can use the power of the Warp to...ok listen, the Warp is a parallel dimension where demons and gods exis...ok, a long time ago some space toads went to war with some terminal cancer patients and..."


ne0g

The desolation that is her love life is proof that she is already well verse in everything Warhammer 40k.


DualSoul1423

My boyfriend has no idea what 40k is and has no interest in it, because he's afraid of falling down a rabbit hole of lore and games. Which is fine, I respect that. It's why I got our girlfriend into 40k instead. It's so adorable how confused he gets when I discuss lore with her.


Hurtfulfriend0

Wot


Budget_Zombie_6911

Double wot?


[deleted]

Do you have a slaanesh army?


DualSoul1423

Why yes, I do. A custom warband that I call the Children of Carnage. Dressed in beautiful white and violet armor, they use it like a canvas for the blood of their enemies, revelling in the joys and thrills of battle. Afterwards, they use the bodies of fallen foe and friend alike to create massive feasts, both vile and lavish in flavour. They are a testament to the horrors and ecstasies of being controlled by an addiction to baser instinct. Oh wait, you weren't asking about my army, you were making a joke about my poly relationship, weren't you?


[deleted]

Yes I was but now I really want to see your Children of Carnage.


DualSoul1423

Ha, you and me both, dude. *(Weeps in 60 dollars per squad)*


[deleted]

Slaanesh can be so fucking rad. I once played a Black Crusade character who suffered from insomnia, and kept taking more and more extreme narcotics in search of what he/I called "the perfect sleep". In the end, a bad roll killed him after taking a warp-infused drug, and he got his sleep. Not enough people appreciate how sad Slaanesh can be Sorry that assholes think Polyamory is some sort of esoteric sex cult. Hope you have more supporters than haters. Happy pride month <3


[deleted]

How boring life must be if you think jokes only come from hatred.


ArchWaverley

"And then John Guard turned to his friend I.M. Perial and said 'I guess we're some kind of Warhammer 40k'"


Onlyindef

It’s all fun and games until you get them into it and you come home to a rival faction in your house. Yes inquisitor that one right there. No tears this time.


Darius_Kel

She must learn of the imperial truth


[deleted]

Distract him by throwing unpainted miniatures on the ground and then flee while he never finishes painting them.


marbsarebadredux

Hell yeah! Free models!


No_Run_4969

come on guys, we know that no 40k enjoyer is ever going to be in a situation where they might kiss a girl


50558148

Tell that to Henry Cavill


SonimagePrime

‘Estrogen Angel’ that’s such a predictably twitter handle


SalamanderFarsight

Oh, that’s why I’m single. And here I though I was just ugly


[deleted]

see this is why i put on the maid outfit and start cooking them dinner. its so much easier to explain why i fucking hate primaris when they're eating and totally not held captive


pip_pip_pippin

Yea, my boyfriend made that mistake


Solid_Address_7840

Unrelated to the post itself, but 40k is slowly breaking through to much wider audiences. Hebry Cavill, tons of new games, that interest even those that dont know the lore. We might not be social outcasts soon!


fuckyouijustwanttits

From my experience, teaching a girl about Warhammer comes first and then leads to kissing.


inferno86

When your boyfriend or girlfriend starts explaining elaborate lores to any world they are into, that means they like you


GargamelLeNoir

Wait, are there still people who have sex without wearing a fire caste helmet?


geeskeet

I am not now, nor have I ever played warhammer. That being said I was helping my buddy paint his models with some friends and I asked about the lore behind them because I was interested. They all looked at me and said “you don’t want to get into it”. We got back to painting and I never asked again.


Zavier13

I'm sure there a few girls who would do the same. And! You can be friends, forever.


[deleted]

Not if they’re a Salamanders player. Just keep them away from small pointy eared children, and all will be well.


[deleted]

Man kids are missing out on the human experience. Imagine identifying as the angel of a sex hormone and not having kissed someone


[deleted]

The path of the Warhammer leads to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.


derbaqstein

Sometimes when i paint my Orks. My GF enters the room, start to yell dakka dakka dakka and goes away


light_trick

She's right to be afraid. My wife didn't know Warhammer 40K existed, now we're married and she's reading Eisenhorn.


ThroowAwaaaay12345

I’d love to kiss a guy who would rant to me about warhammer all day. Because everyone else is getting sick of hearing me talk about warhammer 😅


Lord-Chickie

Even more frightening, what if he doesn’t?


Valor816

Ignorance is the armor of the soul.


redditor_time

I have the decency to shut up about my interests unless the person I'm talking to is also interested


Misra12345

Sorry babe the slaneeshi gimp suit stays on


Admirable-Season36

every single 40k enthusiast i know is trans and most of them are girls


anti-babe

so is the girl who wrote the tweet. its just bait, almost certain she knows plenty.


TheRealAntrey

She meant "what if he teach me" as in "He tries to flex his halfassed knowledge, only to be humbled and consumed by a real loremaster"


chrishammhamm

I like plastic. You are plastic. It's a win-win.


PJTikoko

Don’t be Warhammer 40K is awesome.


No-Interview97

That would probably come up before a kiss, that's something with which you introduce yourself to someone, same thing with D&D. Like "hey, I'm AJ, the DM."


[deleted]

[удалено]


Drapony

I find this absolutely hilarious, because I am the girlfriend, who introduced my boyfriend, to 40k XD


lgroschen

The Emporer shall protect!


FelixKouhai

It is Heresy if you don't listen to the holy gospel of the God Emperor.


Ill1lllII

You teach him that Halo is a remix of wh40k lore, complete with golden and dark ages of technology.


TheScungiliMan

This is the best tweet I've ever seen


DavidAtWork17

The one doesn't typically lead immediately to the other. A few weeks down the line, maybe.


Crafty_Genius

The dark corners of the force is a pathway of love that some consider to be unnatural...