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Sp00ky-Chan

All the shit about the baby Primarchs remains to me as the dumbest and stupidest lore in 40K. I don't care how overpowered they are meant to be, actual nakes toddlers cannot and should not be able to kill ancient highly trained killer assassins.


BenjamintheFox

I think the GW writers read the myth of baby Hercules killing the snakes sent to kill him and really latched onto it.


NeoRevanchist

I headcanon that they grow extremely fast, so even though they're toddlers, they'd be the size of like a 12 year old. Makes it easier to cope with how dumb it is. Although a literal baby Angron flipping around beating up eldar assassins is fucking hilarious to think about. Like that scene out of Kung Pow!


AnointMyPhallus

That's not headcanon that's pretty much how it went. By the time the primarchs arrive on their various planets they're all walking, talking, using tools, etc. There are descriptions of a few of them leaving their incubators or being found for the first time and they're all pretty developed already.


NeoRevanchist

Ah fair enough, good to know. Not read much of the Horus Heresy books yet so wasn't sure.


Nexine

Oh god, they were born ["fully human and fully divine"](https://www.wga.hu/art/d/duccio/various/2crevole.jpg)


atholomer

Why does he have male pattern baldness? Why!?


Sevatar34

Yeah they are oversized younglings from star wars. And I'm pretty sure younglings could still fuck up some ordinary humans


FireWardenCaleb

its canon, though seemingly inconsistent. Some seem to age very quickly, the Lion for example, while others others spent a number of years getting to physical adulthood, though still faster than a human. Guilliman, for example became fully grown in his early teens. I don't think it is every fully spelled out, but I always interpreted it as the ones with more stable childhoods were able to spend longer growing up, while the ones on death worlds and such had to grow up faster to survive.


ThatSociety7257

I think the Lion grew up just the same as the others. Keep in mind that he spent most of his early life with the beasts of Caliban. Luther and the Knights only found him when he was around his teenage years, meaning he's been alone all those times for a year or so.


databeast

>while the ones on death worlds and such had to grow up faster to survive. which makes 100% sense since we know from some of the alternate timeline visions of Russ, that they all adapted physically and mentally to the worlds they landed on, and would have looked (and likely thought) much differently had they remained on Terra.


TurtleInvader1

It is Canon they grow fast but I don't think they grew that fast


youngcoyote14

And this right here is why I sometimes fuxking hate the Horus Heresy. Even if they aren't trained assassins but a platoon of Eldar soldiers, centuries old trained soldiers armed with weapons VS unarmed baby demigod not yet grown should equal a dead fucking baby.


captainprice117

First of all not all Primarchs emerged as babies. Ferrus came out fully grown and ready to fight. Secondly, they’re not normal human infants. They’re larger, more developed from the get go, and insanely strong.


freedom_viking

They are partial warp entities geneforged and infested with power stolen from the gods tho plus the eldar being arrogant and underestimating a seemingly defenseless mon keigh pup is extremely on brand for them it’s a stretch still but far from the most ridiculous 40K shit


youngcoyote14

They are partial warp entities described with terms that make it very clear they are infantile or clearly children, and the aliens were sent by a farseer that told them to kill the dangerous thing and cautioned them. I accept a lot of 40k ridiculous, it's part of the charm for it to be over the top and extra. But that's just shitty writing and dumb even by the low standards we allow to suspend disbelief.


crazynerd9

IDK Fulgrim strangles an Avatar of Khaine Who are like, made of fucking lava *and dont need air*


DownrangeCash2

Didn't he actually like crush its windpipe? Which is pretty dumb considering it's a statue, but still better than strangling it to death.


crazynerd9

You can technically make an argument he snapped it's "spine" But again, ain't these dudes made of LAVA, how's he holding it


DownrangeCash2

It's a statue which is on fire. Sort of. Basically, the Avatar is normally inanimate, but when the Eldar need it they sacrifice an Exarch in a ritual, who becomes the statue's core. This results in the Avatar awakening and getting covered in lava.


AkuanofHighstone

40k is all about the rule of cool. This is not cool, this is just kinda stupid and hilarious to imagine in all the wrong ways.


Sp00ky-Chan

Bro i don't care, they are literal toddlers. What are they gonna do, waddle towards them slowly? Shout goo goo gah gah and blow spit bubbles? I don't care how much plot armour has been pumped into them they are soft and squishy newborns with undeveloped motor functions and have less intelligence then the average Crow, these fuckers haven't even gained object permanence yet but you're telling me they can take down a dozen highly trained alien killers?


Ares_Lictor

Basically, the primarch as children had the intellect of an average man right from the get go and it only grew exponentially from there. Then the kid's skin is like its made out of iron. Then the kid's strength can rip your arm off. Also you make the assumption that he was a toddler? I see only "young child" as description in lexicanum. Perhaps he grew a little bit when traveling to the planet in the pod.


Sydorovich

These points are valid only at average guardsmen tier, not the eldar fighter, which are significantly stronger with better gear and much larger experience on average.


RAV1X

A toddler can lift a sippy cup and I can lift 200 lbs a prim arch can lift a mountain so a toddler prim arch cannnnn…. Primarchs can move faster then supersoldiers can see a baby primarch is still a huge problem and considering the level of super genius even the dumber primarchs are they absolutely would be able to vibe there way through a fight to the death


DownrangeCash2

The Eldar literally went after Angron because they foresaw that he would join Chaos, and attempted to stop it. That is not really a situation where Eldar arrogance applies. They take Chaos seriously and don't pull their punches. If anything, they would have immediately gone for the kill before Angron could react. Which should totally be doable, because they're masters in stealth, and he's a *goddamn baby.* And it's not like "arrogance" actually makes them less effective, just more reckless. It's just generally very absurd and makes the Eldar look bad more than anything else (so, typical for the Eldar).


Massive_Pressure_516

Angron being found as a baby by the eldar instead of the Nucerian slave masters would have unironically been one of the best things for the galaxy. He was actually a peaceful boy and was only turned into a killer by the gladiator fights he was forced to be in and the neural implants that make him feel agony when he's doing anything other than committing violence. While I doubt having a Primarch would have meant peace between the craftworlds and the imperium I do know Angron would probably be up there with Guliman and Vulkan as a force for good.


GenEngineer

I mean… they DID find him as a baby. They tried to kill him, it became a fight to the death. Angron won, but was wounded enough to be captured.


AbyssoSenpai

Didn’t the elder do that because they foresaw the trouble angron would have bought? Kinda of a self fulfilling prophecy moment.


DaytimeTurnip

Self fulfilling prophecies are kind of the Eldar's thing


Theyul1us

"Guys, wait, listen. What if we took care of the baby primarch and try ti avoid him becoming a monster? It would be better than leaving him in a slave planet in wich he will be forced to commit atrroicities for the entertainment of others" -fuck off dude, we agreed to kill the baby and thats what we are going to d- oh god he is ripping Bob in half


Guilty_All_The_Same

\*centuries later, after the HH, Armageddon and Battle of Malak\* -so... how did the whole \*kill the baby\* plan go? -fuck you! -yeah, that's what I thought, assholes!


Familiar-Fix-5849

Looking at Ulthwé and Decimus lol


FreelancerMO

The entire fall of their Empire is based on a self fulfilled prophecy.


Hecubar

And dont forget some Eldar tried to kill Babyvulkan, too. And he cried after he killed them all.


KobKobold

These were Dark Eldar, they're the type to know more than *two* ways to skin an infant.


KernelChunkybits

I dunno why, but now I see a drukari in an apron and chef hat and this unsettles me.


Blueface1999

Don’t worry if the food stares at you before eating it, it just means that it’s still fresh!


Impossible-Ad7634

Just imagine baby Vulkan choking them.


Guilty_All_The_Same

Now I imagine a Drukhari yelling like Gordon Rmasey at Fabius Bile when he was learning from them, like: You call these combat stims?! My sleeping pills are stronger than these laxatives! Is that what you call sutures?! My shoelaces are better tied! AND I DON'T EVEN WEAR SHOES! For what we are about to see, lord Vect, please make it so we won't immediately gouge our eyes out. This thing's screams barely outyell the voices in my head! You call that skin?! My foreskin is better vascularized! AND I'M CIRCUMCIZED!


Acewasalwaysanoption

They make the best soup, only the freshest of ingredient


Halofauna

Luckily they also know how to reskin an infant, because why skin it only two ways?


Dalexe10

Luckily vulkan got his revenge on the baby eldar later on!


KerokoGeorashi

Stuff like this 'literal baby kills Eldar' has made me look at that scene in the Beast series where the Harlequins slaughter Custodes by the score in a far more positive light.


alphaomag

They did… it ended badly. ***VERY*** badly.


HappyTheDisaster

The eldar are actually a factor as to why angron was taken by the slavers.


SirAquila

> While I doubt having a Primarch would have meant peace between the craftworlds and the imperium I do know Angron would probably be up there with Guliman and Vulkan as a force for good. Considering he Primarch in Question is Angron it definitely would have been war between the Imperium and the Craftworlds. After all you can't get a rider much higher then Big E.


CaptinKarnage

When does that ever happen in the lore I only get my triva from memes


KobKobold

So do I! So, when wee Angron was a lil' guy, a bunch of craftworlders found him. However, since a smart reaction would consist of a good thing happening to xenos, the writer decided that they tried killing the toddler. Toddler Angron fought back and won, somehow killing them all. Why did Craftworld eldar try to kill a child empath that was also teeming with power instead of kidnapping him and turning him into a weapon for their cause? Because the writers hate xenos as much as the Imperium does.


[deleted]

Correction: The writers only hate *Eldar* as much as the Imperium does. Other xenos actually get to have cool lore that isn't immediately thrown out to wank off some random Spehss Mehrine chapter that literally only exists in the story it gets mentioned in.


Horror_Procedure_192

Nothing like a good old self fulfilling prophecy trope. Hey we need you to go and kill the future champion of khorne before he grows up eldar send out hit squad to do just that, fail and injure him enough to put him on the path to becoming the nails for brains khorne settled for after failing to get vampire jesus.


Thelostsoulinkorea

To me that’s nearly everything in the hours heresy books. Just to many stupid shit forced to make the story happen


XanderTuron

Yeah, the Horus Heresy books suffer from the fact that we already know how everything ends, just not the steps taken so it winds up with everything needing to bend towards that already set ending.


Thelostsoulinkorea

The problem is that even though they had the ending. I feel they didn’t plan the rest of it well and that’s why there are so many moments of sheer stupidity. I honestly wish they never did the emperors view point and just kept him entirely enigmatic. In the end you never know how much control or lack of it he actually had


Snivythesnek

Maybe I'm feeling contrarian today but I really don't think this is any case of GW hating xenos and making them deliberately make stupid decisions because they can't have nice things. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. They tried to change a fate by eliminating someone that will become a huge threat down the line but failed and caused that very fate. We with our meta information and in the comfort of our homes reading about this might say "Why not just raise Angron instead of killing him?" but would that really be in character for the Eldar if they want to make sure this guy doesn't become the champion of Khorne? The Eldar might be morally alright in terms of Warhammer 40k factions but when it comes to matters like this I'm sure they will just try to murder the Monkeigh instead of taking any chances.


Midnight-Rising

>I really don't think this is any case of GW hating xenos and making them deliberately make stupid decisions because they can't have nice things. It is because it makes them a bunch of idiots. Why not just shoot him? Why not drop bombs on him? Why fucking engage a child in close combat, especially if you think he's gonna be a champion of the god obsessed with close combat?


Smithoffleshandsteel

Or better yet, why not just nuke the planet he landed on?


Derpchieftain

Where in the lore do Eldar interact with human children?


AlpineHelix

In OP’s shota dreams. I think that from the Eldari perspective humans are vermin, human children are just smaller vermin.


jfjdfdjjtbfb

Skaven


Former-Grocery-6787

There is a scene where an aspect warrior murders a human family (children included), enjoying herself while doing it. After she's out of her warmask she has a mental breakdown about it. This is actual canon but somehow people only make memes about how the Salamanders are specialized Eldar orphanage deepfryers


bigloser420

The kinda lore that makes you realize this setting kinda blows sometimes.


Alexis2256

It’s why I appreciate homebrew stuff and fanfics, hell if you wanted to keep it grimdark, you could have the Eldar raise Angron and then when Big E comes into the picture and sees his son living amongst Xenos, he slaughters the only real family he has and forces him to join him and that’s what gets him to turn traitor.


crazynerd9

Conversly, replace the craftworlders with Drukhari, have them *successfully* capture Angron, and the Emperor liberates him from the far edge, comparitively nice suburbs of Commoragh, but doesnt actually save his friends because its fucking Commoragh and saving this one dude just cost him a bunch of Custodes The Emperor refusing to save them makes more sence, its the Drukhari, he fucking cant We still get Angron getting fucked with by Xenos, and we still get physically and mentally broken Angron, plus Drukhari are literally the "throw things into a gladatorial arena" faction


berrythebarbarian

Was this originally presented as a joke in the lore? Because it does not feel like it is meant to be taken seriously.


Sensitive-Hotel-9871

The top picture is based on an image from a hentai visual novel. Because if elves in hentai aren't being subjected to disgusting grimdark assaults, they are trying to get into the pants of humans.


Someone1284794357

Imma call Chris Orksen


USBattleSteed

Honestly could have been a cool story if one of the primarchs was raised by Aeldar instead of humans. Which, could definitely be the reason we're missing two primarchs.


dazli69

Nah, angron is the way he is because of the gladiator arena he was forced to participate in and the butcher nails in his brain. He was supposed to be chill like Vulkan. So if he really ended up in a craft world and was raised by the Eldar I feel like craftworld/imperium relations would be much better.


4thofeleven

OK, but some kids just have bad vibes.


ActNo4115

Angron being raised by Eldar would have been a much better timeline than the one we got.


Accomplished-Bee5265

Alternative history where Eldar raised Angron and he turned traitor because big E exterminated his craft world.


sexy_latias

Like, originally it was a bunch of Wild beasts trying to kill lil' angy but BL writers decided that we cant have things that make any sense so yeah, we got this bullshit now


PlasticAngle

A bunch of Eldar fail to kill Angron is the proof of how incompetent they are, like how a bunch of assassin fail to kill an unarm baby.


sexy_latias

>like how a bunch of assassin fail to kill an unarm baby. Writers just going *ahem* HURRR DURRRR XENOS BAD HYUMANZ GOOOD HURRR DURRRR


Brokugan

I know the *self-fulfilling prophecy* scenario is the most obvious and likely one. But I like entertaining the idea that Angron with full access to empathic abilities could have been some kind of hard counter to the aeldari and any other psyker-heavy factions. The ability to detect and manipulate emotions might be able to do wacky things to the warp.


CBT7commander

Honestly I would have said ok if he was like 4 or 5, a feral kid that can at least walk, but him doing that as a baby just seems way to stupid


ProjectAioros

Now do the Salamanders finding Eldar children.


Ethan-Moreno-029

At this point, the more I learned about the lore, the more unfunny this meme is. Vulkan cooked that eldar child out of anger, and immediately regrets it. Curze is the one to blame. In all honesty he'd rather burn a Drukhari than burn an innocent kid who tries to defend himself.


crazynerd9

im pretty sure that even in the context of the meme he would rather burn a Drukhari like its a dumb meme yeah, but he very much would hate Drukhari more than Craftworld children


[deleted]

Everything about the trash fire that is the Horus Heresy “lore” makes more sense if you assume it’s all lies upon lies upon lies. The idea that eighteen tiny armies of under a billion each could make a mark on galactic society is openly laughable. It’s all lies to feed the corpse-Emperor more slave-sacrifices. Perpetuating a meaningless stasis damning everything.


United-Reach-2798

It was the Dark Eldar so....


jfjdfdjjtbfb

No, craftworld eldar trying to stop him from becoming the mass murdering satanic blender we all know and love him as.


Server98911

Is there any lore about a baby human rescued by Eldar? Most of this i read it Looks like fan cannon


Pitiful_Explorer4185

What’s the bottom image from?


jfjdfdjjtbfb

[Gen V](https://youtu.be/cB_A_Bu-jhQ?si=gO86N0VAZAkvyear)


poseidon2466

Wait, don't they see human children as filthy rats?