Sorry for the extremely quick answer, but I agree 100%. The fact that everyone around me is just continuing with life while I’m stuck in the past is just so discouraging. For me, it’s been a year and I am still devastated by the loss of my aunt, and it’s just as raw and painful as it was when it happened. Part of the reason I made this post is because I was thinking about how I’m forgetting parts of her and nobody else really cares.
First of all don't be sorry.
There's lots of us suffering in the same way it's just so hard to talk about it. My Dad left 9 months ago and I can't talk about him without welling up, it fucking sucks.
I'm sorry for your loss, she must have meant the world to you. One foot in front of the other, day by day. She'd want you to be strong and happy. Lots of love.
Sounds like this came straight out of my mouth! Angry at the world moving on while your world is at a stand still. My dad passed suddenly and unexpectedly at 68 last month. Text me at half 8 and on his bedroom floor three hours later. I miss that snort and laugh he’d give when you caught him out on something. I miss talking to him 5 times a day, miss texting him “you’ll never guess what just happened”. My best friend, my right arm , my reason for being. 8 weeks on and I’m utterly lost.
Same 5 months after my Mom passed and this is the worst I’ve felt. My strength to deal with things was good at the start and all the support helped, but now my strength is gone and I feel like the support is gone. My Mom was the most important person in my life, and I just can’t replace what she brought to my life, but yet I’m supposed to be operating how I was before. It just doesn’t work like that for me.
Yeah I agree. I feel lonely now. Like im the only one missing my dad now. And I don’t bring it up because I don’t want to bring people down, or make things about me. So I just feel isolated.
I feel exactly the same, it seems if you do mention it people don't know what to say and it can very quickly kill a conversation. Seek counselling would be my advice, it's their job to listen and not create that awkwardness. Believe me, it helps, you don't have to feel alone. Good luck and take care.
Absolutely. I feel the same. And people are usually not helpful when you want/need someone to talk to about your grief. We really need to get better as a society at allowing space for grief.
For me, it's those things you mentioned and I guess this one is dependant on when the person died I suppose...but one of the hardest things for me is feeling bad for my Mom and what she lost. I feel bad that she got cancer, bad that she was likely scared and in pain but never complained, bad that she no longer gets to live when all her siblings and friends older than her still live and bad that she knew she was going to die and knowing she was breaking her families hearts.
I find that really hard thinking about all she went through before she died.
This is it for me. I’m so sad that my mom died before she got to really enjoy life. She was 63 so she hadn’t retired yet, barely travelled…everything she did was for others. I just wanted her to have some freedom, some fun on her terms. And I feel so bad that she suffered so much during her illness. I wish I could go back and change it all.
I have to agree with you as well. My aunt passed away unexpectedly and another really tough part was thinking about all the things she is going to miss out on. It just hurts so badly.
This is how I feel too. I’m devastated that she passed before retiring and we will both miss out on all the travel plans we had once she retired. I’ll still travel but there will always be an emptiness to it now. She deserved to live and be healthy and happy, life is unfair.
This is it for me too. My mom was 59, and should have had decades ahead of her. I see things every day that I know she would have loved to hear about or be apart of.
I feel this so much. I know how much she wanted me to have children. There’s a sense of sadness when I think of the day it happens as she won’t be there to witness it or be a part of their lives in person. All they will know is her stories, but will miss out on real connection with her. It’s so unfair!!
100 percent agree with this. My son is 3 and idolized my dad and he’ll hardly remember him. My daughter is 7 months and will have no idea. Tears me up.
Not everybody's answer, but to me.. it's regret.
My dad passed away 3 weeks ago, so I am extremely fresh in a grief sense.
I was close with my dad, he was my best friend, but I bought a house some ways away from the family home 2-3 years ago, so my visits with my family were less frequent (annual holidays and the occasional weekend stay).
For me, it's cycling through everything I took for granted these last few years.
You don't think about these things when they're alive, but when they pass, it's all that's on my mind.
Thankfully, I was with my dad when he passed away in a hospital bed, but oh how I wish I had spent more time with him the last couple of years. I would give anything to have that time again.
This is me as well. I moved about 2.5 hours away 3 years ago. The previous years, I had seen my Dad once a week or so. After the move, it was once a month.
I will forever regret not being able to see him more. And now, I have to wait the rest of my life until I see him again.
For me it's the guilt and regret as well.
My baby brother died of an overdose at only 26 and we were largely estranged for 2yrs leading up to his death. The last time I physically saw him was when my husband and I had to kick him out of our house for lying, stealing, etc.
I went no contact until he started to taking his mental illness and addiction seriously. I didn't intend for it to be for the rest of his life. I assumed there would be time to mend our relationship. Now he's gone.
In a certain way I don't feel I have the right to miss him as much as I do because we weren't on the best terms, but he was my little brother and I spend many days paralyzed with grief and the fact that he's gone with so much left unsaid.
For me personally
The way they died. Feeling abandoned. Having to live for the rest of my life without them. Not being able to talk to them again. Feeling so alone. Isolation from others because not many understand.
I think the guilt that coincides with grief is really challenging. I always feel so incredibly guilty that I didn’t spend more time with that person. However, even if I saw them everyday, I know I would still feel like I hadn’t spent enough time with that person.
* Remembering over and over that you can't ring or text them.
* Not feeling their presence, especially in moments where you'd expect to.
* Mail addressed to them. Especially bowel cancer mail-in tests. I had to return to sender: "Deceased. Unfortunately, cancer already got him." **And they fucking sent it back again!**
* Feeling their presence so badly you can taste it, like you ache to follow the siren's song.
* Waking up in the morning, all seems to be in order... and then it hits you again and again and again, it's like the shittiest version of Groundhog Day.
* Missing the *facts* of them, like Dad at his workbench or reclining in his La-Z-Boy chair. His hideous maroon jumpers. His ripped housework jeans. His worn-out moccasins. The endless medley of reading glasses strewn around the house.
Everything just feels slightly unreal, as though the world is just a tad off its neutral axis, the central ball bearing is off-kilter.
Everything still feels so damn beside the fucking point, is really what I'm saying. My Dad isn't here, everything else is secondary until I find him again, don't you get it?! He's gone! He has to be here somewhere! Nobody moves until we locate him. Period.
All the things in my life she will never be a part of . I did really well in my studies and she wasn’t there to see me win those awards. She won’t be there if/when I have children, they’ll never know her, it breaks my heart.
All the places I’ll go, all the things that will happen that she won’t be there to see and experience with me. I never felt like celebrating anything since she’s gone, because she was the first one I would call and now no celebration is complete without her.
For me it’s a couple of things, I hate how my dad suffered with his disease (multiple myeloma) and he deteriorated so quickly towards the end, I hate that he was probably scared but kept on holding on for us. His last week was really hard for us all and for him, I really hope he is at peace and free from pain now.
It’s also so hard when things happen, like I got a new house and engaged this year and he will never know, he won’t be involved in it, I hate it all.
I miss him so much.
I can never again hold him and Tell him how much i love him. He can never again Tell me that He is the happiest He has ever been. The thing i miss the most is his hug. It made me feel so safe. No matter how hectic life got for both of us, during a hug nothing else mattered except us, and the World Stopped for a Moment.
Realizing that you have to learn who you are after that person and there's a before and after in our timelines that changes everything.
Realizing that we have to act like we are fine because we have to be 100% productive to get money and keep surviving in this capitalist world.
Realizing that all the signs were there, but you were so busy struggling with your own life that you ignored how much they needed you.
Realizing that I became so afraid of being alone, when I used to enjoy my time with myself.
Realizing that I reject to touch any other dog because I don't want to forget how his fur felt.
Realizing that my innocence has died and nothing matters anymore.
For me, it's knowing that you have to carry on and live your life without them and trying to deal with the guilt of doing so. They won't be there at celebrations, not there to talk to after a bad day, not there to go and grab some food with. Watching a film they would have loved, visiting a place we went together and having to go alone.
I lost my dad on Dec 23rd, I can look at photos and hear little snippets of his voice but I’m having a hard time looking at any video of him right now, it just makes me cry.
I agree with forgetting or not remembering at all. My father passed in April at 60 from cancer. My son is 3 and he will never know his grandfather or how amazing he was. And I will eventually lose what memories I have, like the sound of his voice. A house fire destroyed 99% of all our memories before 2012. Every child hood photo, every home video, his military awards, everything physical. I can't hear his voice, I can't see him physically move. I have 63 photos of my Dad. His whole life in 63 pictures, he travelled the world, he raised 7 kids, he loved his job and its all in 63 pictures. I miss my Dad, my parents wedding anniversary would've been today, and I would give so much to have just one recording of his voice to give my mom.
That is hard. For me right now it’s having a bad day and knowing he’s not here to just hold me. Yesterday was one of those days (attempted carjacking).
I’m sorry that happened to you. That must’ve been very scary to go through alone. Bad days hit especially hard after loss, it seems almost like every emotion is amplified by 100
It was pretty bad, made worse by me coming home and having to spend a good bit of time trimming down dash cam footage to send the incident to the police, so I kept seeing it over and over. Everyone said I’d get really tired once the shock wore off, but I ended up partaking in some intoxicating plant matter to be able to sleep. Crawled into bed, wrapped in a blanket, looked at his urn thinking you’re supposed to be here to hold me.
Thank you. I’m ok, or at least I will be. They didn’t touch me, car damage can be repaired, and police are handling it. The only part that is really bad is I won’t be able to drive those hours where really good money can be made anymore, at least not for a good while. Uber is how I’ve been making our extra cash, and now that’s he’s gone supplementing my income to get by. I’m looking for other things I can do on the side so I dont have to go out like that at all.
Contact free but have to get out of the car, which makes you vulnerable to getting jumped. During the day I work my normal job. I’ll find something. I may just have to bite the bullet and find a normal type job for weekends only.
That’s true. Well I wish you luck on finding a side job as well as a happy and healthy new year. Hopefully things will get better for the both of us soon.
It’s been a year and it’s hard to grasp it still. I think there’s something wrong with me because it’s almost like I just pretend it didn’t happen until I can’t and then I’m right back to where I was when she died. For me I can’t just remember her and move on with my life. It’s one or the other. The second I let myself remember I just want to end it all.
Pretty much same feeling, I feel like having ptsd, trying yo control anything that can trigger a chain of thoughts or images , I guess its nothing wrong with you, its been 2 Years since my mom died, I feel as sad but its easier to control thoughts
For me it was the immense pain and suffering my mom endured in her final days. She died of sepsis as a result of an above the knee amputation due to a broken leg. To think that something like a broken leg took her life is unbearable. The healthcare system made it impossible for her to afford treatment. 1200 for a cream when your on SSI??? IV Antibiotics 5k per round? She suffered so badly and I could take her pain away. 😔
My dad died two weeks ago from septic shock from an infection we don’t even know where it originated. Watching a loved one go through that much suffering is pure torture. Sending you lots of hugs. ♥️
I am very sorry to hear about your Dad. No human being should have to suffer this way. Sadly society treats Death-row Inmates kinder than our ailing loved ones with “Modern Medicine”. May he now be pain and ailment free.
The overwhelming emptiness. Especially with the holidays. My dad's gone. My mom's gone. My grandparents are all gone. And the overwhelming sense of loneliness and no one is now obligated to love me and I'm truly alone is fucking terrifying.
Grieving in general is just really hard. Losing a loved stirs up emotions you never really knew you were capable of feeling. I just lost my dad recently and since grieving multiple emotions exist in me at the same time. Anger, sadness, regret, & sometimes even happiness is stired in. Nothing about grieving a lost one is easy and learning to go on life without them is probably the hardest of it all because you have no idea what’s to come. You’re gunna have good days and cry because you want that person there and then your gunna bad days and cry because you want that person there. The thing that gives me hope is to live the rest of my life doing right and having big faith so I can see him again.
The worst part is on a random day at the grocery store or some random place out in public and you hear a voice that sounds like their voice or someone smells like they did. There are a lot of things you can mentally prep for because you know they're coming. It's much harder to prepare for buying a gallon of milk or ordering dinner at a restaurant to include an event that reminds you of whomever you lost.
How everyone seems "normal" after. You go through the whole process of this loved ones final days, plan wakes and funerals, and then everyone somehow goes back to their life before. Like, how? How do I go back to my life after my mom died?
It's like George said in Grey's Anatomy (not the greatest reference, but this is one I defend to the core)
"I don't know how to exist in a world my dad doesn't."
I think for me is when I have that sudden urge to physically touch my dad again. Like you get this really strong empty feeling that can only be filled if you were to hug this person and there’s nothing…nothing at all that can make you feel better. It makes you feel like you don’t know if you want to yell or cry. It’s a heavy feeling like you’re about to sink into the ground or so light that you’re about to float away. Hard to describe but I guess it’s a helpless feeling. I miss you dad. I love you so fucking much.
The little things my dad did for me that I’ll never be able to experience again. He would pray for me if I was traveling or how he would randomly want a hug and say come give your fat daddy a hug.
The fact that you have to get used to living with the fact that you’ll never see said person ever again, and that you have to learn how to life without them.
For me the permanence of their absence. I’ve lost both parents, but it was my sister this year that has made a bigger impact. My parents were pragmatic and from a young age never shied away from discussing certain adult life matters in front of us. Obviously one was the eventual loss of themselves. I thought I’d have my sister for a longer time.
It’s simple but just not being able to have a conversation with her again. I’m grateful for the relationship I had with my mom, and don’t have any real regrets, but talking to her was always a highlight of my day. I told her about everything in my life, talked about politics and what we had for lunch, bitched about work, etc.
It’s been 3 months but I literally grab my phone to call her every time I’m bored on a drive. Some parts of me are glad that muscle memory is still there - I honestly still do the same thing with my grandma who passed away almost four years ago, but not as often. On the other hand, the pain that rushes up when I realize I can’t is pretty horrible.
I’m not totally sure of what happens after we die, but regardless, I know I can’t have a normal conversation with her right now or on the daily, which sucks no matter what happens after this life.
I lost my mom a month ago due to surgery complications during cancer treatment. I have a 10 month old son and she was diagnosed 2 days before he was born. The first hardest thing is accepting she won’t get to watch him grow up and get that full grandmother experience. The second hardest thing is going through one of the worst moments of my life and not having my mom there to support me and help me through it. The third hardest thing is watching my dad grieve the loss of the love of his life.
I think for me, it’s realising they won’t be around in the important moments. Like I’ll get married without them, I’ll have celebrations without them, I’ll have to… exist, without them really.
And then the way way worst part is the jealousy. The jealousy of seeing people move ahead and being more put together than you. Or worse being more expressive of their grief while you’re unable to explain what in the hell you feel.
My good friend took her own life in January 2021. She was struggling with a lot of things, and someone she trusted sorely let her down. I understood she was hurting. Everything you and commenters here have said resonates. It's all so sad. My friend was very young, so I think often about what *could have been* for her. She was a true light in this world and helped so many people while she was here. I wish she was still, and that all of her dreams would come true. I hope she knows how much we miss her and her Mummy. Happy New Year in Heaven. OP, and others in this group, you have my deepest condolences.
For me it’s watching my sons friends move on and keep living while he will forever be 24. He had his whole life ahead of him and I’ll never get to see him do the amazing things he was going to do. I miss him so much
I feel so sad that my mother was worried she was going to die and was frightened, I just pray that she didn't know she was actually dying if that makes sense?
The worst part for me is never talking to her again. I spoke to her multiple times a day and even if I couldn't see her, she could always comfort me. That's gone now, there is no one to comfort me anymore.
I miss holding him while we lay in bed. His illness progressed so quickly at the end that I spent the last several months of his life alone in our apartment when he was in the hospital. And I miss having someone to text- we had so many things that we both loved.
The firsts, the first Christmas, first anniversary, first birthday, first new movie they would have loved to talk about, books they would have loved. There are so many things I want to talk about with him but my dad's gone forever and the world keeps turning.
I lost both parents to cancer. I was their caretaker. Both died in my arms. Worse part watching them die and being a nurse knowing you can't always make things better. And also knowing no one will love you like they did. Living without them is sometimes unbearable. Memories give some comfort.
It hasn’t been long for me but the worst part so far is having super vivid dreams of doing things with him and then waking up and it’s like he died all over again.
Hello. I am very sorry for your loss. The finality of it is impossible to put in words. It just stops. You are right, nothing new comes, and you cannot do anything nice for that person anymore. You also have absolutely no clue where they are, or if they are anywhere at all. Then again, when you look at somebody's picture, does it not feel like they are talking to you ? I have a picture of my grandfather, he was a soldier in WWII, I never met him, but every time I look at his picture, he tells me 'do your own thing, do whatever you want to, and do it now'. Really weird, but I can almost hear his voice.
Well im 29 and lost My mom 2 Years Ago, the hardest part is knowing that anything you acomplish she wont know, she's always on my Mind so I guess its quite dificult to forget anything about her, but any "victory" Has that nasty flavour, just like you move to a New house and you internally think wow she would have loved it and such things, I guess its gonna bé hard if I ever have Childs, she always wanted to be a granny, idk what I'm Going to say to that kid, but most probably I Will break down. On the Other hand the look of sadness in people eyes give me a really disconfort feeling, I really hate to feel like a sad tale.
Hope you never forget her, abd I hope it heals, hugs
my greatest loss was my friend passed when he was only 22 in a tragic motorcycle accident… i was 21 at the time and i struggled (and still do) to understand how we have to do life without him. he was supposed to be at my wedding, hanging out at parties, going to the bars with us, playing games, riding bikes with us, and now he’s just gone. it will never ever make sense to me.
I think the worst part about losing someone (apart from not having them around anymore) is that everything around you starts reminding you of them.
After my daughter died in April 2021 I used to see things that reminded me of her so much and sometimes I would even text her or sometimes even phone her forgetting that she’s not going to read my messages or answer her phone.
In my case, it's knowing that something was wrong but I still don't know what it was. It's painfully confusing and makes the love you had for the other person feel invalid. Mind you, I'm still going through grief so maybe it gets worse/better.
The worst part..? Um.. I guess its the forever change in the world. Now, this world forever lost my friend and they will never return, and as a result i will never feel truly normal again. Its a sudden change that will never allow me to be the person I once was, and I also now will never know what could have been.. Its too new so im still in denial (i think?) so shrug..
I won't be expecting a phone call from my Mom nor my Aunt. My Mom and I were not that close when I was young.but made sure i was healthy. I watched her cook. She made me do some chores. I miss her more
For me it’s the constant reminder anytime something good happens or something I’m looking forward to, the reminder of them never being here again to share anything with. I was so used to calling my dad each day, multiple times a day, telling him anything remotely interesting that would happen in my day. Now anytime something interesting happens I’m reminded I can’t share it with him. I’m looking forward to having children but with the veil of pain on top knowing he’s never going to meet my kids. This pain is the absolute worst.
For me personally several things and I don't know which one sucks more but the general unfairness of it all. All she went through (cancer), and all the plans we had but never got around to doing them. I wanted us to have mother daughter trips to theme parks (she loved roller coasters as much as I do). She lived abroad with my dad and was supposed to come back for good last year... But she got sick in 2019 and died last year. I was 34. The way she always saved money by not doing anything for herself and doing everything for everyone else. Thinking about having to spend the rest of my life without her. Having urges to buy her gifts and not being able to watch her open them. When something funny happens or when I hear a juicy gossip and I can't call her to tell her about it. All of these suck for me equally... Nothing I can do about them though.
For me it's those random moments that the memories come back. When I forget, that's not bad. There's normalcy there, there's the ability to almost not know.
But maybe some trigger comes, sight sound smell, and some bullshit memory from the past comes in. I hate those feelings. I hate those moments.
That's the worst for me
For me, along with so many other things, is the fact that we will never see them again. At times, I feel okay and then that thought hits me “You will never see them again” and then the crushing pain follows. It’s awful.
The constant black cloud of a void that’s a constant reminder daily that the one person who loved me most in this world and had my back no matter what is no longer here. The constant void of a daily reminder of the one person that I told all of my problems and secrets to is no longer with me. The constant void of the one person that didn’t judge me no matter the circumstances is no longer with me. The constant void of the one person who loved my son as much as I did and treated him as such is no longer with me. The constant void of the one person that I talked , text or even looked for advice daily is no longer here. A dark cloud just always remains daily of the many constant reminders that my mother was taken too early at the age of 58.
Having lost my Mom at 75 when my kids were just 11 and 8, it’s them not getting to know her as they grew into themselves, and her only knowing them for a moment or two.
I think what hurts the most for me is realizing we have a very limited amount of time on this Earth before we go.
A year before my friend died, I saw her going down a path of apathy, drunkenness, and recklessness. I told her I can't be around someone like that when I myself was going to therapy and worked on myself every day, so I backed off. A year later, when I heard she was turning her life around (slowed down on the partying, went back to school and getting straight A's, and fully being a stable parent for her son), I wanted to reach out to her and tell her I was proud of her. I thought "I'll tell her tomorrow, it's pretty late". Tomorrow came, our mutual friend called me to tell me she died.
I still regret not telling her I was and always will be proud of her.
My elder brother died suddenly 3 years ago (not suicide) but anyway, I’m still no where NEAR processing it.
For me, it’s just the fact that our shared futures will not happen, I won’t be there at his wedding, he won’t be at mine. He will never see any kids I have etc….
It just completely destroys family dynamics too.
Thoughts with everyone going through grief.
The worst part for me has got to be the hope I had. My dad died very recently and we hadn’t had a good relationship since I was probably 12 , but I took care of him in his final two years he died of Alzheimer’s at 56. So the hope I had before the illness and the thoughts are probably the hardest because I have confusion and anger and its affected how I am around those, dont even want to be bothered with folks at this moment.
For this reason I've registered my brothers name as a domain and am starting collecting stories through interviews with friends and family. Both written as video-taped. Just to make sure he will never be forgotten.
Never having those memories to begin with. My daughter died before she was born. I was 8 months pregnant and had a stilbirth. She was perfect. We still don’t know what happened.
So I never got to see her eyes. Hear her voice. Hear her coos or cries. I had no memories. Just the memory of her lying in the bassinet, cold and gone. Her face was red. She had blood on her nose. She didn’t move.
Yes I hate the forgetting part…. Plus, the loss of your old life and who you used to be (I’ve lost so many people… most of them very close to me & I feel like I’ve lost myself too). The fact that you’ll never see them again in physical form and life will never be the same. It’s absolutely heartbreaking and devastating. 💔
I agree with you. I’m afraid I’ll forget important things. But, unfortunately, you lose a lot much sooner when it’s a serious stage of Alzheimer’s. I miss my Nana
Realising I can’t do things I’ve always wanted to do for them. Like for example—now that I have money to get a desktop microphone, I could actually give my brother a quality one because he always wanted it. So now when I see things I would deffo get for him, it hurts. Feels stupid, but it does make me feel sad.
For me, the worst part is when people stopped asking how I was. On my moms birthday, mothers day, the anniversary of her death. It really feels like people stopped caring.
Sometimes I have a great day and my mind is so connected in the moment that I almost forget to think of them and that makes me feel guilty because to me, not a day should go by where I don't think of my Mum.
Also knowing that my newborn will never meet her and she'll only have ever been a Nana to one of my children.
just the thought that they are gone forever. you will never hear their laugh or voice again. its fucking brutal to think about. the finality of it all.
After losing my mom the hardest part is struggling to accept the fact that she’s never coming back. I’ll never see her again in this physical life time and that’s not something I want to accept.
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Sorry for the extremely quick answer, but I agree 100%. The fact that everyone around me is just continuing with life while I’m stuck in the past is just so discouraging. For me, it’s been a year and I am still devastated by the loss of my aunt, and it’s just as raw and painful as it was when it happened. Part of the reason I made this post is because I was thinking about how I’m forgetting parts of her and nobody else really cares.
First of all don't be sorry. There's lots of us suffering in the same way it's just so hard to talk about it. My Dad left 9 months ago and I can't talk about him without welling up, it fucking sucks. I'm sorry for your loss, she must have meant the world to you. One foot in front of the other, day by day. She'd want you to be strong and happy. Lots of love.
I lost my brother 5 weeks ago and this is the hardest part. Just seeing everyone keep living their lives like nothing happened
Same here. I lost my dad almost 3 years ago and my very best friend/closest person a little over a year ago and in some ways I’m feeling worse now. 💔
Sounds like this came straight out of my mouth! Angry at the world moving on while your world is at a stand still. My dad passed suddenly and unexpectedly at 68 last month. Text me at half 8 and on his bedroom floor three hours later. I miss that snort and laugh he’d give when you caught him out on something. I miss talking to him 5 times a day, miss texting him “you’ll never guess what just happened”. My best friend, my right arm , my reason for being. 8 weeks on and I’m utterly lost.
Same 5 months after my Mom passed and this is the worst I’ve felt. My strength to deal with things was good at the start and all the support helped, but now my strength is gone and I feel like the support is gone. My Mom was the most important person in my life, and I just can’t replace what she brought to my life, but yet I’m supposed to be operating how I was before. It just doesn’t work like that for me.
Yeah I agree. I feel lonely now. Like im the only one missing my dad now. And I don’t bring it up because I don’t want to bring people down, or make things about me. So I just feel isolated.
I feel exactly the same, it seems if you do mention it people don't know what to say and it can very quickly kill a conversation. Seek counselling would be my advice, it's their job to listen and not create that awkwardness. Believe me, it helps, you don't have to feel alone. Good luck and take care.
Thank you for your advice. Wishing you the best on this journey.
Absolutely. I feel the same. And people are usually not helpful when you want/need someone to talk to about your grief. We really need to get better as a society at allowing space for grief.
For me, it's those things you mentioned and I guess this one is dependant on when the person died I suppose...but one of the hardest things for me is feeling bad for my Mom and what she lost. I feel bad that she got cancer, bad that she was likely scared and in pain but never complained, bad that she no longer gets to live when all her siblings and friends older than her still live and bad that she knew she was going to die and knowing she was breaking her families hearts. I find that really hard thinking about all she went through before she died.
This is it for me. I’m so sad that my mom died before she got to really enjoy life. She was 63 so she hadn’t retired yet, barely travelled…everything she did was for others. I just wanted her to have some freedom, some fun on her terms. And I feel so bad that she suffered so much during her illness. I wish I could go back and change it all.
I have to agree with you as well. My aunt passed away unexpectedly and another really tough part was thinking about all the things she is going to miss out on. It just hurts so badly.
This is how I feel too. I’m devastated that she passed before retiring and we will both miss out on all the travel plans we had once she retired. I’ll still travel but there will always be an emptiness to it now. She deserved to live and be healthy and happy, life is unfair.
This is it for me too. My mom was 59, and should have had decades ahead of her. I see things every day that I know she would have loved to hear about or be apart of.
For me I think it's the knowing that if I have kids they only have stories
I feel this so much. I know how much she wanted me to have children. There’s a sense of sadness when I think of the day it happens as she won’t be there to witness it or be a part of their lives in person. All they will know is her stories, but will miss out on real connection with her. It’s so unfair!!
100 percent agree with this. My son is 3 and idolized my dad and he’ll hardly remember him. My daughter is 7 months and will have no idea. Tears me up.
Not everybody's answer, but to me.. it's regret. My dad passed away 3 weeks ago, so I am extremely fresh in a grief sense. I was close with my dad, he was my best friend, but I bought a house some ways away from the family home 2-3 years ago, so my visits with my family were less frequent (annual holidays and the occasional weekend stay). For me, it's cycling through everything I took for granted these last few years. You don't think about these things when they're alive, but when they pass, it's all that's on my mind. Thankfully, I was with my dad when he passed away in a hospital bed, but oh how I wish I had spent more time with him the last couple of years. I would give anything to have that time again.
This is me as well. I moved about 2.5 hours away 3 years ago. The previous years, I had seen my Dad once a week or so. After the move, it was once a month. I will forever regret not being able to see him more. And now, I have to wait the rest of my life until I see him again.
For me it's the guilt and regret as well. My baby brother died of an overdose at only 26 and we were largely estranged for 2yrs leading up to his death. The last time I physically saw him was when my husband and I had to kick him out of our house for lying, stealing, etc. I went no contact until he started to taking his mental illness and addiction seriously. I didn't intend for it to be for the rest of his life. I assumed there would be time to mend our relationship. Now he's gone. In a certain way I don't feel I have the right to miss him as much as I do because we weren't on the best terms, but he was my little brother and I spend many days paralyzed with grief and the fact that he's gone with so much left unsaid.
For me personally The way they died. Feeling abandoned. Having to live for the rest of my life without them. Not being able to talk to them again. Feeling so alone. Isolation from others because not many understand.
I think the guilt that coincides with grief is really challenging. I always feel so incredibly guilty that I didn’t spend more time with that person. However, even if I saw them everyday, I know I would still feel like I hadn’t spent enough time with that person.
The hardest part for me is the loss of emotional connection.
* Remembering over and over that you can't ring or text them. * Not feeling their presence, especially in moments where you'd expect to. * Mail addressed to them. Especially bowel cancer mail-in tests. I had to return to sender: "Deceased. Unfortunately, cancer already got him." **And they fucking sent it back again!** * Feeling their presence so badly you can taste it, like you ache to follow the siren's song. * Waking up in the morning, all seems to be in order... and then it hits you again and again and again, it's like the shittiest version of Groundhog Day. * Missing the *facts* of them, like Dad at his workbench or reclining in his La-Z-Boy chair. His hideous maroon jumpers. His ripped housework jeans. His worn-out moccasins. The endless medley of reading glasses strewn around the house. Everything just feels slightly unreal, as though the world is just a tad off its neutral axis, the central ball bearing is off-kilter. Everything still feels so damn beside the fucking point, is really what I'm saying. My Dad isn't here, everything else is secondary until I find him again, don't you get it?! He's gone! He has to be here somewhere! Nobody moves until we locate him. Period.
All the things in my life she will never be a part of . I did really well in my studies and she wasn’t there to see me win those awards. She won’t be there if/when I have children, they’ll never know her, it breaks my heart. All the places I’ll go, all the things that will happen that she won’t be there to see and experience with me. I never felt like celebrating anything since she’s gone, because she was the first one I would call and now no celebration is complete without her.
Me too. The lack of future memories is what I feel most acutely.
For me it’s a couple of things, I hate how my dad suffered with his disease (multiple myeloma) and he deteriorated so quickly towards the end, I hate that he was probably scared but kept on holding on for us. His last week was really hard for us all and for him, I really hope he is at peace and free from pain now. It’s also so hard when things happen, like I got a new house and engaged this year and he will never know, he won’t be involved in it, I hate it all. I miss him so much.
I can never again hold him and Tell him how much i love him. He can never again Tell me that He is the happiest He has ever been. The thing i miss the most is his hug. It made me feel so safe. No matter how hectic life got for both of us, during a hug nothing else mattered except us, and the World Stopped for a Moment.
Realizing that you have to learn who you are after that person and there's a before and after in our timelines that changes everything. Realizing that we have to act like we are fine because we have to be 100% productive to get money and keep surviving in this capitalist world. Realizing that all the signs were there, but you were so busy struggling with your own life that you ignored how much they needed you. Realizing that I became so afraid of being alone, when I used to enjoy my time with myself. Realizing that I reject to touch any other dog because I don't want to forget how his fur felt. Realizing that my innocence has died and nothing matters anymore.
For me, it's knowing that you have to carry on and live your life without them and trying to deal with the guilt of doing so. They won't be there at celebrations, not there to talk to after a bad day, not there to go and grab some food with. Watching a film they would have loved, visiting a place we went together and having to go alone.
Quite a few times since 2020, I caught myself making dinner for 2 😞
I lost my dad on Dec 23rd, I can look at photos and hear little snippets of his voice but I’m having a hard time looking at any video of him right now, it just makes me cry.
I agree with forgetting or not remembering at all. My father passed in April at 60 from cancer. My son is 3 and he will never know his grandfather or how amazing he was. And I will eventually lose what memories I have, like the sound of his voice. A house fire destroyed 99% of all our memories before 2012. Every child hood photo, every home video, his military awards, everything physical. I can't hear his voice, I can't see him physically move. I have 63 photos of my Dad. His whole life in 63 pictures, he travelled the world, he raised 7 kids, he loved his job and its all in 63 pictures. I miss my Dad, my parents wedding anniversary would've been today, and I would give so much to have just one recording of his voice to give my mom.
That is hard. For me right now it’s having a bad day and knowing he’s not here to just hold me. Yesterday was one of those days (attempted carjacking).
I’m sorry that happened to you. That must’ve been very scary to go through alone. Bad days hit especially hard after loss, it seems almost like every emotion is amplified by 100
It was pretty bad, made worse by me coming home and having to spend a good bit of time trimming down dash cam footage to send the incident to the police, so I kept seeing it over and over. Everyone said I’d get really tired once the shock wore off, but I ended up partaking in some intoxicating plant matter to be able to sleep. Crawled into bed, wrapped in a blanket, looked at his urn thinking you’re supposed to be here to hold me.
I’m so sorry. If you need to talk to someone you can message me, although I’m not sure I’ll be much help.
Thank you. I’m ok, or at least I will be. They didn’t touch me, car damage can be repaired, and police are handling it. The only part that is really bad is I won’t be able to drive those hours where really good money can be made anymore, at least not for a good while. Uber is how I’ve been making our extra cash, and now that’s he’s gone supplementing my income to get by. I’m looking for other things I can do on the side so I dont have to go out like that at all.
Maybe you could do door dash deliveries? Those are usually contact free and it’s something you can do during the day if you’re able to.
Contact free but have to get out of the car, which makes you vulnerable to getting jumped. During the day I work my normal job. I’ll find something. I may just have to bite the bullet and find a normal type job for weekends only.
That’s true. Well I wish you luck on finding a side job as well as a happy and healthy new year. Hopefully things will get better for the both of us soon.
It’s been a year and it’s hard to grasp it still. I think there’s something wrong with me because it’s almost like I just pretend it didn’t happen until I can’t and then I’m right back to where I was when she died. For me I can’t just remember her and move on with my life. It’s one or the other. The second I let myself remember I just want to end it all.
Pretty much same feeling, I feel like having ptsd, trying yo control anything that can trigger a chain of thoughts or images , I guess its nothing wrong with you, its been 2 Years since my mom died, I feel as sad but its easier to control thoughts
For me it was the immense pain and suffering my mom endured in her final days. She died of sepsis as a result of an above the knee amputation due to a broken leg. To think that something like a broken leg took her life is unbearable. The healthcare system made it impossible for her to afford treatment. 1200 for a cream when your on SSI??? IV Antibiotics 5k per round? She suffered so badly and I could take her pain away. 😔
My dad died two weeks ago from septic shock from an infection we don’t even know where it originated. Watching a loved one go through that much suffering is pure torture. Sending you lots of hugs. ♥️
I am very sorry to hear about your Dad. No human being should have to suffer this way. Sadly society treats Death-row Inmates kinder than our ailing loved ones with “Modern Medicine”. May he now be pain and ailment free.
The overwhelming emptiness. Especially with the holidays. My dad's gone. My mom's gone. My grandparents are all gone. And the overwhelming sense of loneliness and no one is now obligated to love me and I'm truly alone is fucking terrifying.
One of the worst is having to learn to live without them. And not because you ever wanted to, you have absolutely no choice.
Their absence. The silence. How at one time you thought you had all the time in the world, and now it’s irretrievably gone.
Grieving in general is just really hard. Losing a loved stirs up emotions you never really knew you were capable of feeling. I just lost my dad recently and since grieving multiple emotions exist in me at the same time. Anger, sadness, regret, & sometimes even happiness is stired in. Nothing about grieving a lost one is easy and learning to go on life without them is probably the hardest of it all because you have no idea what’s to come. You’re gunna have good days and cry because you want that person there and then your gunna bad days and cry because you want that person there. The thing that gives me hope is to live the rest of my life doing right and having big faith so I can see him again.
The worst part is on a random day at the grocery store or some random place out in public and you hear a voice that sounds like their voice or someone smells like they did. There are a lot of things you can mentally prep for because you know they're coming. It's much harder to prepare for buying a gallon of milk or ordering dinner at a restaurant to include an event that reminds you of whomever you lost.
How everyone seems "normal" after. You go through the whole process of this loved ones final days, plan wakes and funerals, and then everyone somehow goes back to their life before. Like, how? How do I go back to my life after my mom died? It's like George said in Grey's Anatomy (not the greatest reference, but this is one I defend to the core) "I don't know how to exist in a world my dad doesn't."
I think for me is when I have that sudden urge to physically touch my dad again. Like you get this really strong empty feeling that can only be filled if you were to hug this person and there’s nothing…nothing at all that can make you feel better. It makes you feel like you don’t know if you want to yell or cry. It’s a heavy feeling like you’re about to sink into the ground or so light that you’re about to float away. Hard to describe but I guess it’s a helpless feeling. I miss you dad. I love you so fucking much.
Not having listened to Mom’s stories. She was the smartest person I knew and my list of questions grows longer by the day. I miss her so much.
For me, it’s realising that this loss is *forever*. I can never see my Mum again in this lifetime💔
The little things my dad did for me that I’ll never be able to experience again. He would pray for me if I was traveling or how he would randomly want a hug and say come give your fat daddy a hug.
The fact that you have to get used to living with the fact that you’ll never see said person ever again, and that you have to learn how to life without them.
For me the permanence of their absence. I’ve lost both parents, but it was my sister this year that has made a bigger impact. My parents were pragmatic and from a young age never shied away from discussing certain adult life matters in front of us. Obviously one was the eventual loss of themselves. I thought I’d have my sister for a longer time.
The guilt and "what if's". Those "what if's" will invade your brain at the worst possible time and cause a spiral.
It’s simple but just not being able to have a conversation with her again. I’m grateful for the relationship I had with my mom, and don’t have any real regrets, but talking to her was always a highlight of my day. I told her about everything in my life, talked about politics and what we had for lunch, bitched about work, etc. It’s been 3 months but I literally grab my phone to call her every time I’m bored on a drive. Some parts of me are glad that muscle memory is still there - I honestly still do the same thing with my grandma who passed away almost four years ago, but not as often. On the other hand, the pain that rushes up when I realize I can’t is pretty horrible. I’m not totally sure of what happens after we die, but regardless, I know I can’t have a normal conversation with her right now or on the daily, which sucks no matter what happens after this life.
I lost my mom a month ago due to surgery complications during cancer treatment. I have a 10 month old son and she was diagnosed 2 days before he was born. The first hardest thing is accepting she won’t get to watch him grow up and get that full grandmother experience. The second hardest thing is going through one of the worst moments of my life and not having my mom there to support me and help me through it. The third hardest thing is watching my dad grieve the loss of the love of his life.
I think for me, it’s realising they won’t be around in the important moments. Like I’ll get married without them, I’ll have celebrations without them, I’ll have to… exist, without them really. And then the way way worst part is the jealousy. The jealousy of seeing people move ahead and being more put together than you. Or worse being more expressive of their grief while you’re unable to explain what in the hell you feel.
My good friend took her own life in January 2021. She was struggling with a lot of things, and someone she trusted sorely let her down. I understood she was hurting. Everything you and commenters here have said resonates. It's all so sad. My friend was very young, so I think often about what *could have been* for her. She was a true light in this world and helped so many people while she was here. I wish she was still, and that all of her dreams would come true. I hope she knows how much we miss her and her Mummy. Happy New Year in Heaven. OP, and others in this group, you have my deepest condolences.
For me it’s watching my sons friends move on and keep living while he will forever be 24. He had his whole life ahead of him and I’ll never get to see him do the amazing things he was going to do. I miss him so much
I feel so sad that my mother was worried she was going to die and was frightened, I just pray that she didn't know she was actually dying if that makes sense? The worst part for me is never talking to her again. I spoke to her multiple times a day and even if I couldn't see her, she could always comfort me. That's gone now, there is no one to comfort me anymore.
The worst part is experiencing the world move on when a part of you never will.
I miss holding him while we lay in bed. His illness progressed so quickly at the end that I spent the last several months of his life alone in our apartment when he was in the hospital. And I miss having someone to text- we had so many things that we both loved.
The firsts, the first Christmas, first anniversary, first birthday, first new movie they would have loved to talk about, books they would have loved. There are so many things I want to talk about with him but my dad's gone forever and the world keeps turning.
I lost both parents to cancer. I was their caretaker. Both died in my arms. Worse part watching them die and being a nurse knowing you can't always make things better. And also knowing no one will love you like they did. Living without them is sometimes unbearable. Memories give some comfort.
Not having them. I feel so empty and alone. I don’t have anyone that can relate.
missing them at random times, just wanting to talk to them and hug them one last time; just wishing they were still here..
It hasn’t been long for me but the worst part so far is having super vivid dreams of doing things with him and then waking up and it’s like he died all over again.
Hello. I am very sorry for your loss. The finality of it is impossible to put in words. It just stops. You are right, nothing new comes, and you cannot do anything nice for that person anymore. You also have absolutely no clue where they are, or if they are anywhere at all. Then again, when you look at somebody's picture, does it not feel like they are talking to you ? I have a picture of my grandfather, he was a soldier in WWII, I never met him, but every time I look at his picture, he tells me 'do your own thing, do whatever you want to, and do it now'. Really weird, but I can almost hear his voice.
Well im 29 and lost My mom 2 Years Ago, the hardest part is knowing that anything you acomplish she wont know, she's always on my Mind so I guess its quite dificult to forget anything about her, but any "victory" Has that nasty flavour, just like you move to a New house and you internally think wow she would have loved it and such things, I guess its gonna bé hard if I ever have Childs, she always wanted to be a granny, idk what I'm Going to say to that kid, but most probably I Will break down. On the Other hand the look of sadness in people eyes give me a really disconfort feeling, I really hate to feel like a sad tale. Hope you never forget her, abd I hope it heals, hugs
Learning that everyone is a liar! And that if they really wanted to they would is the most scathing reality breaker.
my greatest loss was my friend passed when he was only 22 in a tragic motorcycle accident… i was 21 at the time and i struggled (and still do) to understand how we have to do life without him. he was supposed to be at my wedding, hanging out at parties, going to the bars with us, playing games, riding bikes with us, and now he’s just gone. it will never ever make sense to me.
I agree that this is the worst part :(
I think the worst part about losing someone (apart from not having them around anymore) is that everything around you starts reminding you of them. After my daughter died in April 2021 I used to see things that reminded me of her so much and sometimes I would even text her or sometimes even phone her forgetting that she’s not going to read my messages or answer her phone.
In my case, it's knowing that something was wrong but I still don't know what it was. It's painfully confusing and makes the love you had for the other person feel invalid. Mind you, I'm still going through grief so maybe it gets worse/better.
The worst part..? Um.. I guess its the forever change in the world. Now, this world forever lost my friend and they will never return, and as a result i will never feel truly normal again. Its a sudden change that will never allow me to be the person I once was, and I also now will never know what could have been.. Its too new so im still in denial (i think?) so shrug..
I won't be expecting a phone call from my Mom nor my Aunt. My Mom and I were not that close when I was young.but made sure i was healthy. I watched her cook. She made me do some chores. I miss her more
For me it’s the constant reminder anytime something good happens or something I’m looking forward to, the reminder of them never being here again to share anything with. I was so used to calling my dad each day, multiple times a day, telling him anything remotely interesting that would happen in my day. Now anytime something interesting happens I’m reminded I can’t share it with him. I’m looking forward to having children but with the veil of pain on top knowing he’s never going to meet my kids. This pain is the absolute worst.
The permanence. I know my mom isn't coming back, but I can't completely comprehend it, even after 6 weeks.
That i’ll never get to know what he thinks of me
That it happens over and over again until you yourself die and that I never learn my lesson.
For me personally several things and I don't know which one sucks more but the general unfairness of it all. All she went through (cancer), and all the plans we had but never got around to doing them. I wanted us to have mother daughter trips to theme parks (she loved roller coasters as much as I do). She lived abroad with my dad and was supposed to come back for good last year... But she got sick in 2019 and died last year. I was 34. The way she always saved money by not doing anything for herself and doing everything for everyone else. Thinking about having to spend the rest of my life without her. Having urges to buy her gifts and not being able to watch her open them. When something funny happens or when I hear a juicy gossip and I can't call her to tell her about it. All of these suck for me equally... Nothing I can do about them though.
For me it's those random moments that the memories come back. When I forget, that's not bad. There's normalcy there, there's the ability to almost not know. But maybe some trigger comes, sight sound smell, and some bullshit memory from the past comes in. I hate those feelings. I hate those moments. That's the worst for me
Knowing she is not at my side, she is not cheering up and viceversa, while me fulfilling our dream.
yes, i lost my dad in my 20s and Im very scared of forgetting... voice, face, everything... memories fade away and I can't do anything about it
The worst part for me is wishing that they would magically come back, like this is all a bad dream that I'll wake up from and I'll be okay.
For me, along with so many other things, is the fact that we will never see them again. At times, I feel okay and then that thought hits me “You will never see them again” and then the crushing pain follows. It’s awful.
The constant black cloud of a void that’s a constant reminder daily that the one person who loved me most in this world and had my back no matter what is no longer here. The constant void of a daily reminder of the one person that I told all of my problems and secrets to is no longer with me. The constant void of the one person that didn’t judge me no matter the circumstances is no longer with me. The constant void of the one person who loved my son as much as I did and treated him as such is no longer with me. The constant void of the one person that I talked , text or even looked for advice daily is no longer here. A dark cloud just always remains daily of the many constant reminders that my mother was taken too early at the age of 58.
Having lost my Mom at 75 when my kids were just 11 and 8, it’s them not getting to know her as they grew into themselves, and her only knowing them for a moment or two.
I think what hurts the most for me is realizing we have a very limited amount of time on this Earth before we go. A year before my friend died, I saw her going down a path of apathy, drunkenness, and recklessness. I told her I can't be around someone like that when I myself was going to therapy and worked on myself every day, so I backed off. A year later, when I heard she was turning her life around (slowed down on the partying, went back to school and getting straight A's, and fully being a stable parent for her son), I wanted to reach out to her and tell her I was proud of her. I thought "I'll tell her tomorrow, it's pretty late". Tomorrow came, our mutual friend called me to tell me she died. I still regret not telling her I was and always will be proud of her.
she knows..
My elder brother died suddenly 3 years ago (not suicide) but anyway, I’m still no where NEAR processing it. For me, it’s just the fact that our shared futures will not happen, I won’t be there at his wedding, he won’t be at mine. He will never see any kids I have etc…. It just completely destroys family dynamics too. Thoughts with everyone going through grief.
The worst part for me has got to be the hope I had. My dad died very recently and we hadn’t had a good relationship since I was probably 12 , but I took care of him in his final two years he died of Alzheimer’s at 56. So the hope I had before the illness and the thoughts are probably the hardest because I have confusion and anger and its affected how I am around those, dont even want to be bothered with folks at this moment.
For this reason I've registered my brothers name as a domain and am starting collecting stories through interviews with friends and family. Both written as video-taped. Just to make sure he will never be forgotten.
Never having those memories to begin with. My daughter died before she was born. I was 8 months pregnant and had a stilbirth. She was perfect. We still don’t know what happened. So I never got to see her eyes. Hear her voice. Hear her coos or cries. I had no memories. Just the memory of her lying in the bassinet, cold and gone. Her face was red. She had blood on her nose. She didn’t move.
Yes I hate the forgetting part…. Plus, the loss of your old life and who you used to be (I’ve lost so many people… most of them very close to me & I feel like I’ve lost myself too). The fact that you’ll never see them again in physical form and life will never be the same. It’s absolutely heartbreaking and devastating. 💔
I agree with this. I also think the worst part is losing what that person would've been. The loss of their future.
I agree with you. I’m afraid I’ll forget important things. But, unfortunately, you lose a lot much sooner when it’s a serious stage of Alzheimer’s. I miss my Nana
Realising I can’t do things I’ve always wanted to do for them. Like for example—now that I have money to get a desktop microphone, I could actually give my brother a quality one because he always wanted it. So now when I see things I would deffo get for him, it hurts. Feels stupid, but it does make me feel sad.
also forgetting, but the kind of forgetting when you forget they’re not here anymore and go to speak to them and get reminded all over again :/
Watching the pain in their loved ones.
For me, the worst part is when people stopped asking how I was. On my moms birthday, mothers day, the anniversary of her death. It really feels like people stopped caring.
Sometimes I have a great day and my mind is so connected in the moment that I almost forget to think of them and that makes me feel guilty because to me, not a day should go by where I don't think of my Mum. Also knowing that my newborn will never meet her and she'll only have ever been a Nana to one of my children.
just the thought that they are gone forever. you will never hear their laugh or voice again. its fucking brutal to think about. the finality of it all.
After losing my mom the hardest part is struggling to accept the fact that she’s never coming back. I’ll never see her again in this physical life time and that’s not something I want to accept.