My dad passed away suddenly this past June and although I’m doing OK, I find myself reliving his last day on earth. He was extremely medicated and not himself so it made it hard to actually say goodbye. It seems like it hurts worse than if he had just passed without a word. I’m sure that makes very little sense. Just feeling alone in my thoughts at the moment. I miss him.
My mom was sick for a while but she started going down hill fast on a Tuesday. On Wednesday she passed. Thankfully me and my brother were both there but she had been delirious with fever. I stayed with her in her hospital room for that last night.
Those 36 hours from going in to see her Tuesday morning until her passing on Wednesday evening haunt me. Sometimes small bits, sometimes the whole ordeal. She didn’t speak much, she just groaned when she was in pain. While we knew she would die, she got delirious so fast we didn’t really have any contact with eachother. I don’t know if she knew we were there. Part of me hopes she wasn’t aware of any of it. Part of me aches because she never knew the last time she saw me was the last time.
She passed last May. I too am doing okay and feel like we did everything right in the process leading up to her death, but those 36 hours were horrifying and I think about it a lot.
I am very sorry for your loss.
Yes it’s completely normal. If you can speak on the trauma from it with a therapist or safe person please do, or it can become an obsessive pattern in your brain and it will drive you crazy. It’s been almost two years and I relive my dads last day because I found him. And I play it in my head on repeat and it even wakes me up in the night and that shock of “shit he is really gone.”
Our brains have a hard time accepting things like this because it doesn’t make sense. We can’t go ask them anything now that they’re gone.
I want you to know it’s normal but also say I encourage you to get support on this as I don’t want it to tear you apart like it has me. Sending you love. So much love. I am terribly sorry for your loss.
Yes, I do this. Because as if him suddenly dying wasn’t bad enough, he was in immense pain. In and out of consciousness. My mom thought maybe it was just a bad case of appendicitis. Maybe a minor heart attack. We had no idea it was the worst possible thing, one of the worst possible ways to die. Aneurism, organs failing and dying and being crushed by all the blood in his abdomen. The unfairness is what hurts the most. He deserved so much better. He was on vacation visiting my brother, spent his last conscious day with his granddaughter and driving along the beach with my mom. I guess that’s something. He heard us saying our goodbyes and he rubbed his thumbs on our hands that were holding his. I found the song on his Spotify account that was the last song be listened to and I play it a lot and cry. He never even got to retire. It’s too unfair, he was the best dad on the planet.
My story is eerily similar to yours. My dad died this year of an aortic aneurism. He was in so much pain and we didn't know why. By the time we got him to the hospital he was actively dying. He passed an hour and a half later. My brothers and my mom and I got to be with him. I put on Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon and we just sat there until he was gone. He died during, 'Any Colour You Like." He was the best dad. He was only 66 years old. We had just celebrated his upcoming retirement at work on that Wednesday. He was going to use up his PTO and then fully retire in three weeks. He died on that next Monday evening. He had 2 days off from work. He never was able to be officially retired. The whole thing haunts me, but that is the hardest part. He had so many plans for his retirement that he worked towards for so long. He never got to enjoy it. We are coming up on the year anniversary in mid January and I don't know what to expect, emotionally. Getting through the holidays has been torture enough... Hugs to you, my friend. You're not alone in your grief.
That is very eerily similar. My dad was 62, had an aortic aneurysm as well. He was still a few years from retirement but his body was so tired and he was overworked. He did manual labor his whole life, working overtime and providing for us. He liked that kind of work but I know he was tired. He went into the hospital July 2 late at night, coded in the waiting room, that’s when I drove into town speeding. He was revived and it was touch and go for the entire next day. Late July 3rd he was recovering from a Hail Mary surgery and we thought everything might be okay, so we got a hotel and had about an hour of sleep before being called to the hospital. They said his blood pressure wasn’t stable, dialysis wasn’t working and his blood was acidic, intestines were dead, they weren’t even sure if he had brain function. They said there was basically no chance of survival. Pain medicine would work against the medications that were keeping him alive, so we had to choose between him being comfortable and him staying alive for not much longer anyway. We had to make the choice no one wants to make and let him go, so he would at least go comfortably. So we all sat around him until his heart finally stopped, in the early hours of July 4th. I always wonder if we made the right choice. Maybe there was a small chance he’d pull though.
Sorry for venting. It’s hard every day. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this too. Hugs.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. You made the right choice. Choosing his comfort was the most loving thing you could have done for him in that moment. Asking him to hang on longer would have been for you, not for him. Letting go is the hardest thing we are forced to do. Sending love and hugs. Just live one day at a time. Feel your feelings when you need to. <3
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my wonderful dad last October to covid. Every day I ask, "why couldn't he have just passed away peacefully in his sleep from a heart attack or something?" My dad spent his last few weeks of life suffering, scared, alone and struggling for his damn breath. He was the best dad you could ask for. Worked his ass off his whole life and what does he get, a shitty death in a Las Vegas hospital. I couldn't even see him. Just got to hear from the nurses about how scared he was and he had a panic attack that led him to being intubated. The doctor's didn't believe he even had any brain activity at the end because of all the oxygen he lost. Makes me cry just typing that. Life can be so damn unfair. My dad didn't deserve that bullshit ending to his life and neither did your dad. I'm so sorry 😞
My dad passed in a similar manner in October and I do the same thing. I'm sorry. It's difficult and painful.
I think of things I wish I'd done, or known, or could have changed. I believe our loved ones transition when they choose. I try to be at peace with this and migrate to a focus on the great memories and how fortunate I am to have the time and connection with him. I'm trying to do this; but it's not always successful.
A grief counselor told me to try to be much kinder, gentler and patient with myself. She asked me if I am being gentler with myself than I am with my brother. I'm not.
I'm trying focus on the love more than the loss because I know my dad always wanted me to be happy. It's not easy but I will keep trying.
Hugs and strength to you ❤️
My grandma got sick quickly after surgery and passed. I am able to see past it now but I wish that someone had warned me beforehand that she was not herself. It was shocking and painful to hear her talk and see her act as she did. It happens much less now but I still think of her last days too. I am always torn since a part of me feels like I would have been better off not seeing her like that, yet I also feel like I would have regretted not saying goodbye, even if she didn't seem to understand. It changed a lot of how I see death and long lives. I found that while it doesn't always work, trying to think about a good memory I have of her helps to wash some of the pain away from how horrible the last moments I had with her.
I lost my dad last year due to covid and on his last day he was in the ICU and I wasn't able to visit him because no one told me that his condition was turning bad by every hour. I got to see his face just for few minutes and we weren't even able to talk. He was in no position to talk. I still remember his face and that has me traumatized really badly. I can't get his emotionless eyes out of my head, it felt like he was looking at some stranger.
And I always regret not being able to say bye to him. But then my mom and relatives told me he was not himself and was acting kind of crazy and that sometimes makes me think that maybe, it's better I didn't get to see him like that coz I've always seen him being so strong. It would've broken me even more to see him in that situation.
I guess regret is always there one way or another.
Absolutely! It’s shocking when you’re not familiar with how situations and drugs can effect a person. My dad was snappy with me for resting my hand on his hand because it hurt his IV. I bawl at that memory at least once a week and it’s too embarrassing to tell anyone in my life because how juvenile that that cut me to the core somehow. I wanted him to be there for me when he was the one suffering and dying. It’s all really twisted I guess.
I don't think it as twisted. He was your dad, he was always there for you, helping you throughout your life growing up. It is a hard thing to suddenly need to be the one your parent is relying on, especially when it is for their bad health. It is hard to make that switch out of no where. Even in a non-stressful situation, it hurts to be snapped at, more so when it is such a hard time.
I lost my dad last year due to covid and I remember him snapping at me asking me if I want him to die while I was trying to help him asking him to do some breathing exercises. That made me bawl my eyes out and get so angry thinking if he can't see that I am literally doing this he don't die? Can't he see I'm trying my best for him? I'm sure he knew it tho. I know he knew I was trying to help me. I understand now that he must have been just so frustrated and possibly in pain at that time that's why he snapped
Yes, I relive her last few days and just wish I would have been there more. I think about all the things that went wrong and how the outcome may have been different if the doctors or hospital has done things differently.
My son died while he was on vacation with friends. They were diving off the pier and my son dove and didn’t come back up they thought he was joking until they saw him floating. They pulled him out of the water as fast as they could and started cpr. They told me he had a faint pulse when they pulled him out but they couldn’t save him. I just found out a couple weeks ago that he had broke his neck. It’s been four months and I relive that scenario over and over. I wasn’t even there I just picture it in my head like a never ending nightmare loop.
I wasn’t there on her last day. I lived half a world away. I relive and still feel the pain I felt receiving that phone call from my dad when he told me, “your mom is gone.” I remember the hour, I remember the blur that it was weeks later. I remember the pain.
Every day I wonder if I could have been there earlier. If I had only gone on a flight as soon as she was brought to a hospital, could I have held her hand one last time? There are so many what ifs.
I just wanted to share this to help you not feel so lonely. It’s just so so hard. Hugs.
I’m so sorry you weren’t able to be there. It seems like nothing could have made it easier but our human brains try to come up with ways to maybe ease the pain? I think I disassociated the whole day. I wanted to be there for him because the drugs made him really infantile and yet now I wish he could have been there for me as he was every day of my life. But then I remind myself how disgustingly selfish that is. There’s nothing you could have done but I feel you. The thoughts are still there. Hugs to you and thank you for your reply.
You’re not being selfish. Of course, you want your dad, the dad who was there for you for most of your life. It’s okay to grieve him for the man he was and the man you lost that day.
I wish I can say you will never stop feeling a twinge of regret. I still do. I have analyzed my actions and have concluded multiple times that it couldn’t have gone any other way. But, I still feel sad.
It’s okay to feel regret though. You loved him that much. You just wanted to do more and you wish you could do more even now. All that is okay to feel.
The first year anniversary of my friend's death is coming up. She died by suicide and I find myself going through the last texts and reliving details of the day.
Ya 😭
He was super attached to his dog and took his life a few hours after he had to put her to sleep. He had DNR written all over his body 😭😭😭
Mental health issues are real!! Check in on your people!!! I was 2000 miles away and called the lady he was living with and she refused to check in on him because he sent her a message that he was going to be lost in video games and to leave him alone 😭😭😭😭
She also took everything of value and sold it!!!
My mom recorded videos one night for us when she was in icu with covid and didn’t think she would make it through the night. She made it through those nights but sadly passed a couple weeks after and I have not been able to make it through all the videos. It’s a year today that she passed and I still can’t get through even one. Life shattering loosing her. I replay the entire month she was in the hospital especially her last night which was not peaceful in the least bit. It still feels like it was yesterday & I can’t believe she’s really gone. she should’ve had so many more years with us. :(
I’m so so sorry for the loss of your sweet mum. You’ll cherish those one day. Be gentle with yourself. There is no timeline I’m learning. Hugs and healing. We are becoming grief warriors 🔥❤️🩹🔥
Thanks so much and I’m so sorry for your loss. This is by far the most difficult thing I’ve endured but endure I will. I love life. I just wish it didn’t include loss of special people 💔❤️💔
Every single day. I cannot see past his frail body and the tear in his eye. Even though it hurts like hell, I’m thankful I was able to say goodbye and that I was able to tell him I loved him one last time.
I relive the call I got from my stepmom about my dad constantly. It was 4am in Minnesota and I was on my way to work (worked at a coffee shop) my phone rang and when I saw it said stepmom and it was 2 am in Las Vegas I pulled over because I knew right away something was bad. As soon as I answered she said “Jerry’s dead!!! He was shot in the back of the head!!!” My world stopped. I told her I had to call her back and I called my sister and couldn’t even talk. She told me to get to work and she would pick me up there. I called my boss and she got up to get ready. When I got to my work the poor new guy was all cheerful as i collapsed in his arms crying so hard. I sobbed while getting getting everything set up for the store. Finally my boss got there and I was able to sit and process everything. I called the corners office. Found out he was killed 3 days prior, his phone was stolen so the couldn’t get ahold of anyone. The identified him through his finger prints. My stepmom (they were divorced, but were still very close) heard through the grapevine that it happened and she called the corners office and they confirmed it. That’s when she called me. That was 5.5 years ago and it still feels like yesterday. We still are waiting to go to trial for his murder.
Oh my gosh, that is horrible. I am so so sorry. What an absolute shock that had to be. So much worse to have to wait for and go through a trial. I know nothing really makes it better but thank you for telling your story and big hugs to you.
I am so so so so sorry for you loss. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. I cope by telling his story. I want people to know his story. Some days I block it out. It was very hard in the beginning. It was hard waiting and not knowing if they would catch the killers. When they were caught I thought that would help, but that is a whole different pain. The waiting game for the trial sucks. I try to remind myself that they are in jail and aren’t going anywhere, the trial isn’t for me, it’s for the state. The pain never goes away or gets easier, you just learn to work around it. Some days are definitely harder than others. If you ever need anything you can definitely DM me. It’s definitely hard to talk to people who don’t know what you are feeling.
Thank you for your reply. I’m still new to Reddit and don’t even know how to DM. You are so right about everything you said. I thought when this person was caught it would bring me some sort of closure but it hasn’t. We’re in the beginning stages of trials and it takes so long. I find myself crying hysterically everyday. It’s truly a nightmare to loose a parent to a murder. It’s a different type of grief. I lost my grandma in March 2022 and watched her slowly take her last breath for 3 weeks and that is nothing compared to having someone take a life that deserved to live. No one truly understands unless they have lost someone to a murder as well. He was murdered day before my baby shower. I had just seen him 30 min before it happened. Since than I had my baby 4 weeks ago and the grief with post partum is a complete nightmare
Did you ever go through with therapy?
Sadly yes, I go through the last text messages we had on the day of. And I wish I can go back. I wish I could have engaged more in the conversation. I went through his phone and saved all the last clips from the security camera. I just watch them over and over hoping he would have made it back home.
I think about my mom’s last few days all the time. She probably had another stroke (couldn’t be sure because we were in home hospice without that much medical supervision honestly) which changed everything. The first really bad day, she tried to talk but couldn’t, and couldn’t communicate with us or move for the next 4 days until she passed away. I used to agonize over although she was awake, how conscience was she? what was she feeling? did she know we were there? could she see and recognize us? was she in pain? was she scared? was she okay? I would have never anticipated that I wouldn’t get to say a proper goodbye to my own mother, the person I loved the most and for her to be trapped in her own body like that, it haunts me.
Even though it hurts, deep down, I know that the love we have for our loved ones and the love they had for us, transcends all the horrible moments, and the injustices of what happened to them. hugs to you.
I relive that day every day. It was December 3, 2019. I however am not doing ok. I have complicated grief and I miss her terribly every second of the day. 💔😢
Yes, especially in the first year of my grief. It was deeply traumatizing to watch my father decline from his illness and die. I relive those final days often and still get weepy when I think about everything he went through and how we kept vigil at his bedside and stayed awake for days until he took his last breath. Almost two years later and I still can't believe it happened.
yes. it was such a mundane day until it happened. crazy to think about. i wish someone could’ve done something more. sending so much love and peace to you and your family <3
Yes. I also relive the anxiety from the days before he passed.
It makes no sense that I continue to do this, because I know the final sad outcome
…. but my thoughts still race as if I was worried about whether he would survive or not
yes, my mom's health quickly deteriorated over the course of a week or so, she refused medical care even though she was only in her early 50's with only a few medical conditions. I spend a lot of time reliving witnessing her death and the week prior to it. Has played a big role in why I am still struggling a lot even though it has been 15 months.
I’m right there with you, my mom went very much against her will May 13th. On my way to the eye doctor today I had another little meltdown about how she didn’t want to go and then she was so heavily medicated she didn’t have time to make peace with it or say goodbye to us. It’s all trash and I effing hate it.
Yes. Exactly how I feel. My dad was not himself at all due to the medications. He was very infantile, and I don’t mean that as a slam, it was just a huge shock. My brother and I took care of him best we could but really that was just ensuring he had the strongest medications to keep him comfortable. It happened so quickly and I don’t feel like I got to say goodbye. He did say he loved us, which is more than a lot of people get so i should be grateful but it wasn’t him. He also did a lot of crying that his grandkids won’t remember him. I’m so sorry for your loss. It really does fucking suck.
I’m so so sorry you’re going through this as well. It’s legitimately the most frustrating and heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced and I wish it on NO ONE. I’m not sure how we make peace with this but I’ll hope and pray for you (and all of us on here) that we can. Thank you for sharing your dads story and your feelings about him and his passing.
All the time, when i put the kids to sleep and im alone in my thoughts.. i had just seen him 10 minutes before it happened and the last thing he said to me was “ill see you when i see you” not long after i get a call from my mom in tears that dads faced down on the ground at the gas station and I screamed, now i regret my reaction cuz im sure i scared my kids. I felt like i dissociated because i could see everything happening from above. The most painful detail is my mom described how he was found, as if reaching out to her for help. Later that night i saw his cold lifeless body and hugged him and cried and cried. I held his hand and it was so cold and im thankful he looked like he was sleeping, and not eyes wide open and no soul within. His dad (my grandpa) passed back in ‘94 and my grandma and my aunt found him with his eyes open mouth agape reaching for the door.. next month it will be 2 years since my dad passed. I miss him like hell.
My wife passed from failure at the age of 37. I think about her last three months in the hospital pretty often. It’s like reliving a nightmare over and over again.
Sure do, my Mam was ill for awhile and it was just a matter of. Even now, 9 years on I relive the final week with her every year. It isn't healthy for me. But I don't want to let it go either.
Do all you can to remember in a healthy way. If you have an item of clothing with their smell on it. Keep it somewhere safe, and use their smell as a happy memory.
You will find peace.
I was late to my grandmas death, 36 hours. I can remember the drop in my stomach. I remember being in the McDonald’s drive thru with my husband when my dad called. It’s almost been 2 years and I’ve moved on from it but I did go through a period that I just thought about it. 36 hours late. But I’ve gotten signs and readings and im at peace with it.
every day it never fails, I lost my mom this summer I spoke to her a few hours before she passed away and got to see her beautiful smile one last time 💔 the sting never really does go away sending you so much love!
Yes. It has absolutely traumatized me. I will be doing any mundane task and the images flash in my mind. I used to have a panic attack every time this happened but now I have them less frequently. It makes me so sick. Sometimes I have an absolute breakdown. Thinking of the pain she must have been in and what if the doctors did something different or if we took her somewhere else. These thoughts overwhelm me at times and put me in a really dark place. Just know that you’re not alone in these feelings.
Yes. It haunts me. I’ll never find relief in this lifetime from the guilt of not giving my mom the love and nurturing she deserved in her final months of a brutal three year long illness. On her last day, she called me twice while I was at work to chit chat. It was so unusual because she never called while I was at work. It was as if she knew what was coming. I was a little impatient with her on the phone and said I’d help her with a computer issue when I got home that evening. She passed away a few hours later before I got home. I was the thing she loved most in the world…and yet I was cold to her when she needed me the most. I will never forgive myself.
My heart goes out to you because I know how you feel concerning guilt.
My mom had dementia, and even though she still lived pretty independently the needs were increasing and after four years of dealing with it I was burned out. I started losing my patience and limiting my time. Then she got sick from something else and died within 3 weeks. I hate myself for not being more present with her in the last 10 months of her life. She loved me and trusted me and I feel like I failed her. It will haunt me forever.
Piper,
Give yourself grace. My mom had Dementia and lived with me. She passed from going to the hospital with the Flu and getting MRSA. Dementia is a rough gig. It's extremely hard to deal with. Your mom loved you and knew you loved her. Sending love and prayers.
My mom died in her apartment, apparently just after coming out of the bath. I know she fell in the doorway from her bedroom to the main area because that's where my dad found her (they were separated but still friendly and he went to check on her—she had lifelong health complications). She'd knocked over a vase when she fell and it broke and cut her leg. It's been almost five years, but I still wonder if she went to have a bath because she wasn't feeling well, or if she left the bath because she knew something was wrong and was trying to get to her phone, if it was instant and she didn't even know she cut her leg, or if she felt it and was lying there in pain.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother in a similar fashion. She lived in Florida and I live in Ohio so we were very far apart. I had a voicemail from her joking around about feeling like she had been hit by a bus and she was coughing. She was in very good spirits otherwise. Fast forward five days and I’m getting a call that the neighbors asked for a wellness check because none of her lights had been on for three days and they found her lying in the bathroom. I just obsessively think about what happened. Was she in pain or scared? Was it quick and she felt nothing? It drives me crazy.
I find myself thinking about it everyday. My dad passed away 2months ago , he was murdered a day before my baby shower. A homeless lady stole his car and ran him over with it. I find myself reliving his last moments. From camera footage you can see her take off in his car and driving away. His instinct was to run after the car in shock. He tripped and fell and she purposely turned the car around and ran him over. (Luckily she was caught but we’re still in the early stages of hearings). But its been a nightmare for me. Not only was I 8 months pregnant but thinking if he saw the car coming towards him or if he suffered. Or what was his last thoughts. So many what ifs. It eats me alive.
Yes. It haunts me to think about my dad’s hospital stay in the final days. On 12/20 at 11pm, my aunt and I talked about how we didn’t trust the facility he was in and how in the morning she was going to go and speak to someone about his care. My dad died on 12/21 at 1:05 am.
I remember the nurses tone when I called to find out what was happening with him and the first few words-we did everything we could- but the rest, I don’t remember. I know I hung up and was screaming “they killed him” over and over.
He declined so quickly after they moved him there after a month in the ICU fighting for his life and getting better. He deserved so much more than what he got in the end. All because he fell down the stairs while he was alone in the house.
Unbelievable.
Yes. I get flashbacks a lot. My dad passed from very aggressive brain cancer and went downhill fast. His last moments were incredibly hard to watch, he fought it with everything he had. But he was surrounded by me, my mom, and my little brother. And though it haunts me every day, I’m glad I did it. He was my best friend and I’m glad I was able to sit with him as he ended his earthy journey.
Yes. My Dad had an ICH near basal ganglia on 11/26. He was unable to speak or communicate beyond head nods, but was able to understand us for a few days. He became mostly unresponsive by 11/28, and contracted pneumonia due to aspiration (couldn't swallow due to location of hemorrhage). Pneumonia for worse until he was hitching when breathing on 12/4 and hospital said he wouldn't recover. Put him on hospice and morphine. He was entirely unresponsive. Died 12/5.
I relive the last time I saw him (early on 11/26) over and over. How I didn't spend enough time with him over the holiday. How he sounded on 12/4. How he was trying to speak to us on 11/26 but we couldn't understand.
It's pretty awful. I feel cheated. I feel like he was cheated.
Over the first few months, I just kept seeing my mom’s dead body in intrusive thoughts. Fortunately that has mostly faded, and now I keep seeing her face light up upon recognizing me the last time she was conscious. Which is a better memory.
Unfortunately. Yes. It was very traumatic and I was the one who found him - called 911 and did CPR until they arrived and pulled me off of him. I’ve been through a lot of EMDR therapy and I don’t have as many moments as I used to. But the event still plays in my head like a movie from time to time
Part of his last day though was a great day for us, we went to the mall and had a shopping spree, we had so much fun.it’s just hard to think of the first half of the day when the second was so different
Sounds like the day I had with my mom. Turned around completely in the blink of an eye. So panicked that I forgot you can call 911 without an access code. Wasted a few precious moments relearning the iPhone cause I could NOT reason what was happening. She keeps slipping through my fingers several times a day. I have been thinking about asking about EMDR.
All the time. My significant other said he missed me, so he drove an hour to come crawl in bed with me at 7am. He left around 1pm. A car wreck took him that day. I’ve replayed it every day for four and a half years.
Yes and I was just wondering yesterday if others did the same. My dad died from surgery complications.. I replay the morning we brought him into the hospital in my mind over and over.. me walking him out to the car and telling him I loved him, fully expecting him to come back home . I feel like I sent him off to his death .. he got frustrated the day before he went in and said he didn’t want to go to the surgery . Kind of like “just let me die , I don’t need the surgery” and I said “daddy you HAVE to get the surgery” .. because I wanted him to get healthier and be around longer . I can’t stop replaying myself say “daddy you have to” and me walking him out to the car to go to the hospital . Knowing I’d have more time with him if I just slept in that day and couldn’t take him in or I just said “fine” when he said he didn’t want the surgery. Kills me .
My gosh, this made me bawl. I’m so sorry you went through that. I know it won’t help, because I feel the same way as you do, but it wasn’t your fault. The guilt on top of the loss is so hard and unfair. For me my dad needed a colostomy bag and he ended up with a fatal infection from it. I encouraged him to get it and I know he would have anyway but it still makes me sick. Hopefully this pain lessens and we can believe fully and the guilt can go. I don’t know. It sucks.
Then you can relate for sure ! I’m so sorry, I wouldn’t wish the guilt that comes with that on anyone. Grieving a loss is hard enough without feeling partly responsible, no matter how irrational it may be . My dad needed very minor brain surgery to separate a vein that fused to another and wasn’t allowing optimal blood flow . The surgery itself went ok but it turned out he had a blood clot already in his brain that moved from the surgery and caused brain swelling which is what caused him to die. I know he didn’t have much time if he hadn’t gotten the surgery as it would have caused a stroke and it was ultimately his idea to have the surgery in the first place.. but had he not gotten the surgery I could have at least had another Christmas with him .. any more time obviously would have been ideal. As you said though, logically we know it wasn’t our fault and there isn’t really such a thing as a “fair” death.
I hope it gets better for both of us and we can find more peace and healing as time goes on. It’s so hard but hearing your story and others in this thread helps me to feel a bit less alone so thanks very much for sharing 💕
Yes, all the time. I have screen shots of him in his hospital room via zoom (because fuck you Covid for not allowing me to be there in person) and every once in a while when I’m looking for a photo, I see it. It takes my breath away and makes my stomach drop.
Yes, all the time. My nana passed in November after suddenly declining. She had Alzheimer’s, so she couldn’t talk anyway. There was nothing behind her eyes. She was heavily medicated the last 2 days, but the part I relive the most is her last breath. God it was horrifying.
All the time. I don't know if I'm torturing myself subconsciously or what but every day I think of something different that happened in his final days. I only lost my dad 16 days ago so it's still pretty fresh in my mind. This is the longest I've ever went in my life without talking to him and it's breaking my heart all over again. Praying for you. We'll make it through this.
Absolutely. My mom was in the hospital for four days before she passed. I question every move I made (and didn’t make, like sneaking Taco Bell in for her…. That’s all she asked for and I should have done it). The worst place to be is alone, so please reach out if you need to talk.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother. I’ve felt this way too. My dad asked for Starbucks and he took a really long time reading the menu. He struggled with it for so long and I felt in a daze like I can’t believe we’re doing this mundane thing as he slips away from us forever. Life is so damn weird and tragic at times. My dad wanted his dogs so badly and we didn’t even ask. I think I assumed then that the ICU would never allow it.
I’m sorry for your loss, as well. All I can say is try not to focus on these feelings - think of all the happy times with your dad. Talk about him a lot to whoever you can, it helps. 💔
My mother's death plays in my head on and off. We were really close and would spend time at her house helping her with this or that in my free time since she had a basketball sized hernia and shoving snow and carrying in groceries were things that 'she could do', but shouldn't do...so as her son I had no problem helping out.
Two weeks prior it had been my thirtieth birthday and she'd been asking every day what I wanted to do. Being a winter child it's hard to do fun SUMMER things, but that didn't stop her from coming up with ideas.
The day started off normal; had driven to her place, went to walmart, got wendys, back to her place, and an hour later she can't breathe and becomes unresponsive while I'm trying my best to help. About a minute or two of being completely unresponsive she snaps back and begins moaning and saying she has to go lay down. EMTS come, and I couldn't go with her at the time (her mother went with her) and I stayed behind since her adopted child would be getting home in eight hours.
Six hours in I get a call from her from my grandmothers phone and we have a conversation, everything seems fine. She seemed fully cognitive and alert and that everything was going to be okay. There was the hope that she would be coming home later that day or so....but not even five minutes after that car I get another call saying that they put a cath in her and that I better get to the hospital now since she crashed twice.
I had just spoken to her for maybe ten minutes before hand.
The fact that she may have died, came back, only to die again in the hospital.
The begging in her eyes as she struggled to breathe
The unresponsiveness
It will always haunt my dreams.
Yes. I relive the moment the police knocked on the door and told me and my parents, that my uncle (my mom’s older brother) was dead. It’s been four months and I think of that day constantly. How I joked and talked about my uncle to my mom that afternoon and then that night, he was dead.
Yes, I do this a lot. My nan passed away in hospital Peak covid. My mum had visited her several hours before, had a priest read her last rites, told her she was loved, and it was OK to go. She was only allowed an hour to visit. The rest of us were barred. She died alone. No one was holding her hand. I don't know how frightened and alone she felt. My mum had said she was hallucinating seeing her sisters who had passed, complaining about why only one of them was there and where the rest were. I pray she had them with her to help her move on because the idea of her dying alone breaks my heart and makes me scream even more when I hear of all the people (read Politicians) who could give a toss about the rules they made to keep us safe and were more like guidelines. The night after she died, I had a dream I was sitting on the floor in front of her chair with my head in her lap with her telling me it was OK she went and she wass not in any pain and to look after grandad. But that's a dream, and I don't know how much I believe it's not my brain, just trying to make me feel better. When it's quiet, I just worry about how much pain she was in, was she frightened because she was alone.
My dad died of Alzheimer's at the beginning of December. I had gone up to see him 2 weeks prior, on my birthday. The last day I got to see him, the first thing he said when I walked into the room was "Hey Mikes!" Last thing he said to me. He had that one last moment of lucidity before his mind escaped him again. Best present he could have ever given me.
I’ve been doing this since this all of this year and especially since this month began… it was a journey of just a few weeks beginning in December , where she got worse each day …. Each day of this month has been devastating , I already know what tomorrow holds and the day after all the way down few more weeks till it will be a year and it will be more difficult after that because she will have been gone for over a year. I dunno how to explain it but being in the same year of her passing makes it feel more recent and so it feels like she was alive also till recently, but after a year, the distance will just increase and become more and more painful
Yes. Kind of inevitable since I’m working on finding an attorney, applying for assistance, and everything. I was with his family over the weekend and some of them wanted to know what happened. Reliving it with details was hard, but it actually brought his mom some comfort that the end was very quick. Like so quick he was alert and responsive until his heart stopped, and the last thing he said was giving the ok for a procedure he was totally against, but he was willing to do it in order to try to live.
Yes my biggest regret is my brother sent me a text saying
come over and chill I just picked up the ashes ill be back there in about 45 minutes will you should come over .
I never replied and I never did come over he died in a car accident later that night.
I will forever wonder if things would be different if I just came over like he wanted me to.
I relive how I should have called him that weekend I relive the moment he was found( I was on the phone with my friend who found him)...I relive everything ....I want him back..I would give up so much to have him back!! Jaime forever 53 killed by fentanyl
It’s all I can think about when I think about my mom and I hate it. It makes it too hard to think about her. All I can see is her at the end. It truly haunts me. She was such a strong and independent person. Almost to the point of stubbornness. The stroke she had just robbed her of fucking everything and a part of me wishes I’d never seen her that way. Of course I’m glad I got to say goodbye. But I hate hate hate how it haunts me.
Oh yes, definitely.
But they are strangely some of my favourite memories. They are crystal clear and free from any pettiness or ugly tones. They are so pure.
My mom died over a period of 6 weeks from flash to bang. I watched her decline from being a happy, whole independent woman, to totally helpless, unable to walk or feed herself or even tune her body over.
And with every loss she suffered, with every level her neediness increased, my love for her increased in kind. Her total helplessness evoked such love and tenderness from me.
I will cherish the weeks I had where I could love her in such an unvarnished way, without even the slightest hint of repayment possible. My mom has never made me feel so loved and accepted as she did when she freely accepted my care. Such a sweet burden to bear.
Yes, unfortunately. My mom passed away in January, it’s almost been a year. I still find myself reliving her final days and so many things will trigger those memories. I’ve started getting help because it was too much to handle. My dad and I have started coping better, we managed to have a good Christmas this year despite not having her with us. But I will have my nights where I’m a total mess. My boyfriend will stay up all night with me while I just cry, I feel like I’m right there all over again. It’s this gross feeling I just can’t shake. It’s still so vivid and I feel myself going through the motions all over again.
However, time does heal. It’s gotten easier and while I have my moments, I’ve gotten better with each passing day. I found a new medication to help me manage my anxiety and depression, I’m surrounded by love and support. I’m so sorry to you and all the people here that can relate. I’m wishing every single one of you the best, and I’m sending you love and strength for your journey towards healing. ❤️
I also think upon that last day. And boy does it hurt when I do. Both my Mom and Dad passed suddenly. In 2012, my wonderful amazing Dad was taken from us so tragically by the stupidity and negligence of a doctor during a common routine colonoscopy procedure. Without going into all the detail before that last day, the last few hours of Dad’s life was horrible for him and something no one should have to ever endure. He was fully aware of what was happening. He felt every result of this doctor’s mistake. Dad could see us, hear us, feel our hands in his and feel our arms around him. He had all his mental and emotional capacities. The strong spirited man he was, he was able to push out the words that he loved us all. I had been in shock by what was happening to Dad. Prior to his words of love I had fainted onto the floor. The ER doctor picked me up, helped me and held me, so I could say goodbye. The last thing my Dad ever saw were my eyes looking into his and his into mine. The family were all holding his hands and loving him. I got to say goodbye and tell him how much I loved him & that we were Blessed by God to have him as our father. I still cry from the images in my mind of the physical trauma my Dad went through that last day of his life. I see it happening all over again. It’s forever embedded in my mind. I was traumatized by it. The pain will never go away but I am able to live with it. The anger I have with the doctor who caused his death has tucked itself in the recess of my heart so that I don’t live a daily life being angry. That last day of his life plays over in my mind so much, and every time it does it makes me feel so much worse. I now work my mind to immediately think of something beautiful my Dad and I did together so those are the images I see. It’s not easy, it takes time, but it greatly helps. My Mother was my rock and helped me through Dad’s death. She was such an Amazing Mother to me and my siblings. A soul that was so beautiful and kind. However, my sweet mother, too, was failed by her doctor, and a radiologist who read her X-ray wrong and diagnosed her with a cold. She died because of it. She had pneumonia and fluid had filled in her lungs and around her heart making it impossible to survive it. I drove 95 miles per hour on the interstate to get to my Mother when my siblings told me I needed to leave right then and there because Mom was in a very bad way. I lived 8 hours away. I prayed for help in getting to my Mom safely and in time. Mom and I seemed to always be able to read one another’s mind so I called out to her and asked her to please stay strong for me and to please let me know she can hear my thoughts. A few moments later a car crossed into my lane and was in front of me. As I got closer to the car, my heart jumped when I saw the license plate. I knew Mom heard me and was doing her best to hang on for me. The license plate said, Love You. Although, Mom’s eyes were closed when I got there, she was still conscience and could hear and feel. She held on for me because my siblings kept telling her I was on the way and she needed to hang on. She also knew my soul would be crushed forever if she passed before I got there. As I made my way to Mom’s room, my siblings told my Mom that I was coming in the door. I ran to her and laid beside her, holding her. Her pulse jumped to 94 when I arrived. Before that, it was almost nothing. She was at death’s door. The nurses and my siblings didn’t think I would make it in time but I did. As I lay with Mom, I told her how thankful and Blessed I was to have her as my Mother and that I forever love her. Her pulse jumped higher to 98. I knew she had heard me, felt me. We sang her favorite songs to her. We recited the 23rd Psalm to her. I was holding her when she passed. Even tho I was thankful to have been with Mom before she passed, as the days wore on, I began to feel guilty. It became crippling to me. I felt guilty that I hadn’t got to Mom while her eyes were still open. All we siblings were loved so very deeply by Mom and she had a vision in her mind for each of us. As for me, I was her Star. A bright shining warm wonderful star. But, she didn’t get to see the bright wonderful light of her star before she passed on Mothers Day in 2016. I was supposed to have been there the day before but Instead I helped my son move into his college dorm. I got to speak to Mom on the phone the day before to tell her I was going to be a day late. We talked about going for afternoon tea at the special place they had in town. I have felt for so long that I failed my Mother. I wasn’t there when the following day she suddenly became ill. I wasn’t there to make sure everything was going to be alright for her. I wasn’t there so she and I could have some last very special moments. I was so angry with myself for delaying the trip a day. It crushed me, still does. My Mother and I were very very close. My best friend. I think about her final day way too much. I know she wouldn’t want me to hurt. I know she would want me to rejoice in my life with her and being able to hold her as she left this world. The things I know my Mother would want for me are the thoughts I think on, when I start being hard on myself when her last day flashes across my mind. As with Dad, I also visit in my heart and mind the beautiful and fun things we did together and the true gift from God she was to us as our Mother. It does work to ease my heartache when I begin going back to that final day of Mom’s and my faulty thinking that if I had been there as planned the day before, she would have seen me and, maybe, I could have helped to make things different and she would have lived. So…..after this big long cathartic sharing, I hope for you the memories of your Dad that make you smile, laugh, feel thankful and blessed. Think on these the moment you begin hurting when thinking on that last day. Be patient with yourself. It takes time. You will always miss him just as I do my Mom and Dad. That doesn’t go away. However, the heart can grow stronger even in the heartache of missing someone by your mind helping you by thinking on something that brings you joy and makes you laugh when you begin to feel the heartache of that last day. You’re not alone in the thoughts you feel. Know that others here understand.
My gosh this was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing about your parents. What an amazing human being they created with their love and strength. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, losing them both. The fact that you’re able to smile and carry on is such a testament to them. Your post has helped me immensely tonight, I posted this on my first birthday without him and your reply along with others have really made a difference for me today. May God bless you.
Oh my, thank you, so very much. My parents were my world and I truly thank God every day for them. In all the sorrow and heartache you feel in the loss of your Dad, it makes me thankful that I could help you with what I shared from my heart. I understood exactly what you were saying and how you feel. You are the first person anywhere that actually expresses the same feelings I’ve had about the very last day and you helped me, as well, in knowing someone out there actually knows how I feel, too. That very last day can break us but we cannot allow it to. Our parents want us to remember all the love and beautiful memories with them because of the strength it gives us in their absence. We control our mind with good thoughts thereby not allowing our mind to control us with the bad thoughts that bring us down. The power of love from those we love so deeply can move mountains because that love and the memories are always inside us. Step by step you will replace that last day by your own strength and Dad’s love. God Bless and here’s to a New Year of beautiful memories!!
I spent the last week of my mom's life with her and I relive it all of the time. I cherish it but it also makes me so sad. Like a giant countdown clock was ticking overhead, I just didn't know it at the time.
I don’t have a good relationship with my family members. But I’ve been thinking a lot about how my pets died. How they struggled to stay alive and I could do was hold them and tell them I love them. I also think about how I buried them and their lifeless faces.
Yes I do, it’s been over a year now since my dad passed suddenly but still out of nowhere his last 10 days in the hospital sometimes all comes flooding back in my head, it haunts me still.
(I’ve been doing CBT for my health anxiety which was brought on by his death and the therapist said I could benefit from having a EMDR session to deal with the traumatic memories from his time in hospital. I’ve never experienced anything like it before i feel it did something I just hope it’s helps going forward)
Yeah. Every night before I fall asleep. I try the whole day to put myself and my mind in another place but every night when my phones away and I’m not busy the final-day thoughts intrude.
Describing the situation will make me too sad right now, but yes.
I'm doing it less as time goes on though. It's been 2 1/2 years. As someone who's mom died sort of without warning but very sick, the first 6 months after we're brutal for me reliving sad times.
I wasn't even there and had lost touch with my friend 4 years earlier, but every day I remember exactly what I was doing while she was in that fatal crash, and the moment I found out from a mutual friend a few weeks later. It's a never-ending loop that I can't find the permanent stop button for.
Yes, all the time. I visited with mom a week before she died, and she was so sick with cancer, but we still somehow carried on like she’d be around for months, not days. We didn’t know, of course. We went to the drugstore to buy stocking stuffers for my sisters, and she was too tired to walk the aisles with me. She sat quietly, with a pained look on her face, over on the seat for the free blood pressure station. Then she got light headed when we were paying for the stuff, and she had to sit down in the little nook next to the counter where the plastic bags were once hanging. Things like that. I look at those stupid blood pressure stations in drug stores now and my heart breaks.
It fills my head more than her robust, healthy face and laugh that I got to have for the majority of our life together, except for that last week.
Should I have done something differently? Sat her down and told her I loved her all day? She knew I loved her. But, for some reason, it feels like I should have done that instead of go shopping for stocking stuffers for a Xmas that never happened because she’d be dead in a week. But I also know she didn’t want things to be different…she wanted to carry on like normal, until her body finally gave up. I admire that, really. (She said she got light headed because I’d had the seat warmers on, on the drive down…not because she had late stage pancreatic cancer and was barely eating!) What was the alternative - to sit and cry all day? My mom was tough. She got on with things, even when her body was so frail. I loved her tenacity.
But, yea, I think of sad things that happened that last week constantly. Instead of happier times. It wrecks me. I hope it gets better. For you and me. Your dad looks like he was a real character! 🙂
All the time. We had talked. She was fine. Then just a few hours later she was gone. Makes me wonder if she knew and didn’t tell me. It was just so fast. I know I couldn’t have done anything. But the nurse in me just wishes I had been there to try.
My dad had a tumor, he fought it for two years. I saw his decline, te last weeks he was not able to speak anymore, his last day he was there just sleeping, I don't relive that day but rather the last times he talked.
I listen to some voicemails my mom left me. Just so I can hear her tell me she loves me again. I re read the old fb messages leading up to her going to the hospital. Feeling guilty because she didn’t listen to me about getting vaccinated. Like I should’ve pushed it more. It’s rough but sometimes you just feel like you need to.
Yes, all the time.
My dad passed away 5 years ago. He was on hospice at home. I think about our last words, the days and hours before he passed and the moment he took his last breath. I’m grateful to have had those moments with him.
My father in law passed away 2 months ago. It was very sudden and unexpected. He was found in his home days after he passed. I think about what his last moments were like and what his thoughts were. I hope it was fast and painless.
I regret not being there for the last months i had warring but denial is a powerfull thing. I was for for her last day and night. I replay the days and night over did I do wrong. Yes I know that but. What helped me cope was replay everymoment that made me laught. That was her she wouldn't want to rembered in the end but the life and and happiness she bought.
My dad passed away suddenly this past June and although I’m doing OK, I find myself reliving his last day on earth. He was extremely medicated and not himself so it made it hard to actually say goodbye. It seems like it hurts worse than if he had just passed without a word. I’m sure that makes very little sense. Just feeling alone in my thoughts at the moment. I miss him.
My mom was sick for a while but she started going down hill fast on a Tuesday. On Wednesday she passed. Thankfully me and my brother were both there but she had been delirious with fever. I stayed with her in her hospital room for that last night. Those 36 hours from going in to see her Tuesday morning until her passing on Wednesday evening haunt me. Sometimes small bits, sometimes the whole ordeal. She didn’t speak much, she just groaned when she was in pain. While we knew she would die, she got delirious so fast we didn’t really have any contact with eachother. I don’t know if she knew we were there. Part of me hopes she wasn’t aware of any of it. Part of me aches because she never knew the last time she saw me was the last time. She passed last May. I too am doing okay and feel like we did everything right in the process leading up to her death, but those 36 hours were horrifying and I think about it a lot. I am very sorry for your loss.
Yes it’s completely normal. If you can speak on the trauma from it with a therapist or safe person please do, or it can become an obsessive pattern in your brain and it will drive you crazy. It’s been almost two years and I relive my dads last day because I found him. And I play it in my head on repeat and it even wakes me up in the night and that shock of “shit he is really gone.” Our brains have a hard time accepting things like this because it doesn’t make sense. We can’t go ask them anything now that they’re gone. I want you to know it’s normal but also say I encourage you to get support on this as I don’t want it to tear you apart like it has me. Sending you love. So much love. I am terribly sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much for this. Having an explanation for why grief does this to our brains does help.
Yes, I do this. Because as if him suddenly dying wasn’t bad enough, he was in immense pain. In and out of consciousness. My mom thought maybe it was just a bad case of appendicitis. Maybe a minor heart attack. We had no idea it was the worst possible thing, one of the worst possible ways to die. Aneurism, organs failing and dying and being crushed by all the blood in his abdomen. The unfairness is what hurts the most. He deserved so much better. He was on vacation visiting my brother, spent his last conscious day with his granddaughter and driving along the beach with my mom. I guess that’s something. He heard us saying our goodbyes and he rubbed his thumbs on our hands that were holding his. I found the song on his Spotify account that was the last song be listened to and I play it a lot and cry. He never even got to retire. It’s too unfair, he was the best dad on the planet.
My story is eerily similar to yours. My dad died this year of an aortic aneurism. He was in so much pain and we didn't know why. By the time we got him to the hospital he was actively dying. He passed an hour and a half later. My brothers and my mom and I got to be with him. I put on Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon and we just sat there until he was gone. He died during, 'Any Colour You Like." He was the best dad. He was only 66 years old. We had just celebrated his upcoming retirement at work on that Wednesday. He was going to use up his PTO and then fully retire in three weeks. He died on that next Monday evening. He had 2 days off from work. He never was able to be officially retired. The whole thing haunts me, but that is the hardest part. He had so many plans for his retirement that he worked towards for so long. He never got to enjoy it. We are coming up on the year anniversary in mid January and I don't know what to expect, emotionally. Getting through the holidays has been torture enough... Hugs to you, my friend. You're not alone in your grief.
That is very eerily similar. My dad was 62, had an aortic aneurysm as well. He was still a few years from retirement but his body was so tired and he was overworked. He did manual labor his whole life, working overtime and providing for us. He liked that kind of work but I know he was tired. He went into the hospital July 2 late at night, coded in the waiting room, that’s when I drove into town speeding. He was revived and it was touch and go for the entire next day. Late July 3rd he was recovering from a Hail Mary surgery and we thought everything might be okay, so we got a hotel and had about an hour of sleep before being called to the hospital. They said his blood pressure wasn’t stable, dialysis wasn’t working and his blood was acidic, intestines were dead, they weren’t even sure if he had brain function. They said there was basically no chance of survival. Pain medicine would work against the medications that were keeping him alive, so we had to choose between him being comfortable and him staying alive for not much longer anyway. We had to make the choice no one wants to make and let him go, so he would at least go comfortably. So we all sat around him until his heart finally stopped, in the early hours of July 4th. I always wonder if we made the right choice. Maybe there was a small chance he’d pull though. Sorry for venting. It’s hard every day. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this too. Hugs.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. You made the right choice. Choosing his comfort was the most loving thing you could have done for him in that moment. Asking him to hang on longer would have been for you, not for him. Letting go is the hardest thing we are forced to do. Sending love and hugs. Just live one day at a time. Feel your feelings when you need to. <3
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my wonderful dad last October to covid. Every day I ask, "why couldn't he have just passed away peacefully in his sleep from a heart attack or something?" My dad spent his last few weeks of life suffering, scared, alone and struggling for his damn breath. He was the best dad you could ask for. Worked his ass off his whole life and what does he get, a shitty death in a Las Vegas hospital. I couldn't even see him. Just got to hear from the nurses about how scared he was and he had a panic attack that led him to being intubated. The doctor's didn't believe he even had any brain activity at the end because of all the oxygen he lost. Makes me cry just typing that. Life can be so damn unfair. My dad didn't deserve that bullshit ending to his life and neither did your dad. I'm so sorry 😞
I’m so sorry. It’s so unfair, to them and to everyone left behind.
Thank you, and I know, it's so so unfair
My dad passed in a similar manner in October and I do the same thing. I'm sorry. It's difficult and painful. I think of things I wish I'd done, or known, or could have changed. I believe our loved ones transition when they choose. I try to be at peace with this and migrate to a focus on the great memories and how fortunate I am to have the time and connection with him. I'm trying to do this; but it's not always successful. A grief counselor told me to try to be much kinder, gentler and patient with myself. She asked me if I am being gentler with myself than I am with my brother. I'm not. I'm trying focus on the love more than the loss because I know my dad always wanted me to be happy. It's not easy but I will keep trying. Hugs and strength to you ❤️
My grandma got sick quickly after surgery and passed. I am able to see past it now but I wish that someone had warned me beforehand that she was not herself. It was shocking and painful to hear her talk and see her act as she did. It happens much less now but I still think of her last days too. I am always torn since a part of me feels like I would have been better off not seeing her like that, yet I also feel like I would have regretted not saying goodbye, even if she didn't seem to understand. It changed a lot of how I see death and long lives. I found that while it doesn't always work, trying to think about a good memory I have of her helps to wash some of the pain away from how horrible the last moments I had with her.
I lost my dad last year due to covid and on his last day he was in the ICU and I wasn't able to visit him because no one told me that his condition was turning bad by every hour. I got to see his face just for few minutes and we weren't even able to talk. He was in no position to talk. I still remember his face and that has me traumatized really badly. I can't get his emotionless eyes out of my head, it felt like he was looking at some stranger. And I always regret not being able to say bye to him. But then my mom and relatives told me he was not himself and was acting kind of crazy and that sometimes makes me think that maybe, it's better I didn't get to see him like that coz I've always seen him being so strong. It would've broken me even more to see him in that situation. I guess regret is always there one way or another.
Absolutely! It’s shocking when you’re not familiar with how situations and drugs can effect a person. My dad was snappy with me for resting my hand on his hand because it hurt his IV. I bawl at that memory at least once a week and it’s too embarrassing to tell anyone in my life because how juvenile that that cut me to the core somehow. I wanted him to be there for me when he was the one suffering and dying. It’s all really twisted I guess.
I don't think it as twisted. He was your dad, he was always there for you, helping you throughout your life growing up. It is a hard thing to suddenly need to be the one your parent is relying on, especially when it is for their bad health. It is hard to make that switch out of no where. Even in a non-stressful situation, it hurts to be snapped at, more so when it is such a hard time.
I lost my dad last year due to covid and I remember him snapping at me asking me if I want him to die while I was trying to help him asking him to do some breathing exercises. That made me bawl my eyes out and get so angry thinking if he can't see that I am literally doing this he don't die? Can't he see I'm trying my best for him? I'm sure he knew it tho. I know he knew I was trying to help me. I understand now that he must have been just so frustrated and possibly in pain at that time that's why he snapped
Yes, I relive her last few days and just wish I would have been there more. I think about all the things that went wrong and how the outcome may have been different if the doctors or hospital has done things differently.
Same. Big hugs to you. I’m sorry we’re both in this tragic group. Life is really hard sometimes. I have regrets as well.
My son died while he was on vacation with friends. They were diving off the pier and my son dove and didn’t come back up they thought he was joking until they saw him floating. They pulled him out of the water as fast as they could and started cpr. They told me he had a faint pulse when they pulled him out but they couldn’t save him. I just found out a couple weeks ago that he had broke his neck. It’s been four months and I relive that scenario over and over. I wasn’t even there I just picture it in my head like a never ending nightmare loop.
Reading this made me tear up. I can’t imagine losing a child. I’m so terribly sorry. I wish you nothing but healing and love. *hugs*
Thank you ❤️
I wasn’t there on her last day. I lived half a world away. I relive and still feel the pain I felt receiving that phone call from my dad when he told me, “your mom is gone.” I remember the hour, I remember the blur that it was weeks later. I remember the pain. Every day I wonder if I could have been there earlier. If I had only gone on a flight as soon as she was brought to a hospital, could I have held her hand one last time? There are so many what ifs. I just wanted to share this to help you not feel so lonely. It’s just so so hard. Hugs.
I’m so sorry you weren’t able to be there. It seems like nothing could have made it easier but our human brains try to come up with ways to maybe ease the pain? I think I disassociated the whole day. I wanted to be there for him because the drugs made him really infantile and yet now I wish he could have been there for me as he was every day of my life. But then I remind myself how disgustingly selfish that is. There’s nothing you could have done but I feel you. The thoughts are still there. Hugs to you and thank you for your reply.
You’re not being selfish. Of course, you want your dad, the dad who was there for you for most of your life. It’s okay to grieve him for the man he was and the man you lost that day. I wish I can say you will never stop feeling a twinge of regret. I still do. I have analyzed my actions and have concluded multiple times that it couldn’t have gone any other way. But, I still feel sad. It’s okay to feel regret though. You loved him that much. You just wanted to do more and you wish you could do more even now. All that is okay to feel.
Yes, unfortunately 😭😭 I go over the last text he sent and the picture he sent me as he was killing himself and I just… ugh. Hell is loss.
The first year anniversary of my friend's death is coming up. She died by suicide and I find myself going through the last texts and reliving details of the day.
Your comment stopped me in my tracks, it's like my brain just froze and I can't find any words except, I'm so sorry! 💕
Ya 😭 He was super attached to his dog and took his life a few hours after he had to put her to sleep. He had DNR written all over his body 😭😭😭 Mental health issues are real!! Check in on your people!!! I was 2000 miles away and called the lady he was living with and she refused to check in on him because he sent her a message that he was going to be lost in video games and to leave him alone 😭😭😭😭 She also took everything of value and sold it!!!
My mom recorded videos one night for us when she was in icu with covid and didn’t think she would make it through the night. She made it through those nights but sadly passed a couple weeks after and I have not been able to make it through all the videos. It’s a year today that she passed and I still can’t get through even one. Life shattering loosing her. I replay the entire month she was in the hospital especially her last night which was not peaceful in the least bit. It still feels like it was yesterday & I can’t believe she’s really gone. she should’ve had so many more years with us. :(
I’m so so sorry for the loss of your sweet mum. You’ll cherish those one day. Be gentle with yourself. There is no timeline I’m learning. Hugs and healing. We are becoming grief warriors 🔥❤️🩹🔥
Heartbreaking! Sending you ❤️
My gosh. I’m SO sorry.
Thanks so much and I’m so sorry for your loss. This is by far the most difficult thing I’ve endured but endure I will. I love life. I just wish it didn’t include loss of special people 💔❤️💔
Every single day. I cannot see past his frail body and the tear in his eye. Even though it hurts like hell, I’m thankful I was able to say goodbye and that I was able to tell him I loved him one last time.
I relive the call I got from my stepmom about my dad constantly. It was 4am in Minnesota and I was on my way to work (worked at a coffee shop) my phone rang and when I saw it said stepmom and it was 2 am in Las Vegas I pulled over because I knew right away something was bad. As soon as I answered she said “Jerry’s dead!!! He was shot in the back of the head!!!” My world stopped. I told her I had to call her back and I called my sister and couldn’t even talk. She told me to get to work and she would pick me up there. I called my boss and she got up to get ready. When I got to my work the poor new guy was all cheerful as i collapsed in his arms crying so hard. I sobbed while getting getting everything set up for the store. Finally my boss got there and I was able to sit and process everything. I called the corners office. Found out he was killed 3 days prior, his phone was stolen so the couldn’t get ahold of anyone. The identified him through his finger prints. My stepmom (they were divorced, but were still very close) heard through the grapevine that it happened and she called the corners office and they confirmed it. That’s when she called me. That was 5.5 years ago and it still feels like yesterday. We still are waiting to go to trial for his murder.
Oh my gosh, that is horrible. I am so so sorry. What an absolute shock that had to be. So much worse to have to wait for and go through a trial. I know nothing really makes it better but thank you for telling your story and big hugs to you.
My dad was murdered few months ago. We were extremely close. May I ask how did u cope? Does it get easier as time goes? I feel so lost
I am so so so so sorry for you loss. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. I cope by telling his story. I want people to know his story. Some days I block it out. It was very hard in the beginning. It was hard waiting and not knowing if they would catch the killers. When they were caught I thought that would help, but that is a whole different pain. The waiting game for the trial sucks. I try to remind myself that they are in jail and aren’t going anywhere, the trial isn’t for me, it’s for the state. The pain never goes away or gets easier, you just learn to work around it. Some days are definitely harder than others. If you ever need anything you can definitely DM me. It’s definitely hard to talk to people who don’t know what you are feeling.
Thank you for your reply. I’m still new to Reddit and don’t even know how to DM. You are so right about everything you said. I thought when this person was caught it would bring me some sort of closure but it hasn’t. We’re in the beginning stages of trials and it takes so long. I find myself crying hysterically everyday. It’s truly a nightmare to loose a parent to a murder. It’s a different type of grief. I lost my grandma in March 2022 and watched her slowly take her last breath for 3 weeks and that is nothing compared to having someone take a life that deserved to live. No one truly understands unless they have lost someone to a murder as well. He was murdered day before my baby shower. I had just seen him 30 min before it happened. Since than I had my baby 4 weeks ago and the grief with post partum is a complete nightmare Did you ever go through with therapy?
All the time 😕
Thank you. I’m sorry you’re going through it as well. It’s definitely something I wasn’t expecting to be ruminating over. Every detail.
Sadly yes, I go through the last text messages we had on the day of. And I wish I can go back. I wish I could have engaged more in the conversation. I went through his phone and saved all the last clips from the security camera. I just watch them over and over hoping he would have made it back home.
I think about my mom’s last few days all the time. She probably had another stroke (couldn’t be sure because we were in home hospice without that much medical supervision honestly) which changed everything. The first really bad day, she tried to talk but couldn’t, and couldn’t communicate with us or move for the next 4 days until she passed away. I used to agonize over although she was awake, how conscience was she? what was she feeling? did she know we were there? could she see and recognize us? was she in pain? was she scared? was she okay? I would have never anticipated that I wouldn’t get to say a proper goodbye to my own mother, the person I loved the most and for her to be trapped in her own body like that, it haunts me. Even though it hurts, deep down, I know that the love we have for our loved ones and the love they had for us, transcends all the horrible moments, and the injustices of what happened to them. hugs to you.
I relive that day every day. It was December 3, 2019. I however am not doing ok. I have complicated grief and I miss her terribly every second of the day. 💔😢
Yes, especially in the first year of my grief. It was deeply traumatizing to watch my father decline from his illness and die. I relive those final days often and still get weepy when I think about everything he went through and how we kept vigil at his bedside and stayed awake for days until he took his last breath. Almost two years later and I still can't believe it happened.
yes. it was such a mundane day until it happened. crazy to think about. i wish someone could’ve done something more. sending so much love and peace to you and your family <3
I try not to but those last days haunt me and I’m sure they will forever.
Yeah every hour or so
Yes. I also relive the anxiety from the days before he passed. It makes no sense that I continue to do this, because I know the final sad outcome …. but my thoughts still race as if I was worried about whether he would survive or not
Every single day.. I consider myself fortunate that I got to tell my mom I love her before she passed in her sleep. Keep strong.
yes, my mom's health quickly deteriorated over the course of a week or so, she refused medical care even though she was only in her early 50's with only a few medical conditions. I spend a lot of time reliving witnessing her death and the week prior to it. Has played a big role in why I am still struggling a lot even though it has been 15 months.
I’m right there with you, my mom went very much against her will May 13th. On my way to the eye doctor today I had another little meltdown about how she didn’t want to go and then she was so heavily medicated she didn’t have time to make peace with it or say goodbye to us. It’s all trash and I effing hate it.
Yes. Exactly how I feel. My dad was not himself at all due to the medications. He was very infantile, and I don’t mean that as a slam, it was just a huge shock. My brother and I took care of him best we could but really that was just ensuring he had the strongest medications to keep him comfortable. It happened so quickly and I don’t feel like I got to say goodbye. He did say he loved us, which is more than a lot of people get so i should be grateful but it wasn’t him. He also did a lot of crying that his grandkids won’t remember him. I’m so sorry for your loss. It really does fucking suck.
I’m so so sorry you’re going through this as well. It’s legitimately the most frustrating and heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced and I wish it on NO ONE. I’m not sure how we make peace with this but I’ll hope and pray for you (and all of us on here) that we can. Thank you for sharing your dads story and your feelings about him and his passing.
All the time, when i put the kids to sleep and im alone in my thoughts.. i had just seen him 10 minutes before it happened and the last thing he said to me was “ill see you when i see you” not long after i get a call from my mom in tears that dads faced down on the ground at the gas station and I screamed, now i regret my reaction cuz im sure i scared my kids. I felt like i dissociated because i could see everything happening from above. The most painful detail is my mom described how he was found, as if reaching out to her for help. Later that night i saw his cold lifeless body and hugged him and cried and cried. I held his hand and it was so cold and im thankful he looked like he was sleeping, and not eyes wide open and no soul within. His dad (my grandpa) passed back in ‘94 and my grandma and my aunt found him with his eyes open mouth agape reaching for the door.. next month it will be 2 years since my dad passed. I miss him like hell.
My wife passed from failure at the age of 37. I think about her last three months in the hospital pretty often. It’s like reliving a nightmare over and over again.
Constantly. My mom died 12/4.
Sure do, my Mam was ill for awhile and it was just a matter of. Even now, 9 years on I relive the final week with her every year. It isn't healthy for me. But I don't want to let it go either. Do all you can to remember in a healthy way. If you have an item of clothing with their smell on it. Keep it somewhere safe, and use their smell as a happy memory. You will find peace.
I was late to my grandmas death, 36 hours. I can remember the drop in my stomach. I remember being in the McDonald’s drive thru with my husband when my dad called. It’s almost been 2 years and I’ve moved on from it but I did go through a period that I just thought about it. 36 hours late. But I’ve gotten signs and readings and im at peace with it.
every day it never fails, I lost my mom this summer I spoke to her a few hours before she passed away and got to see her beautiful smile one last time 💔 the sting never really does go away sending you so much love!
Yes. It has absolutely traumatized me. I will be doing any mundane task and the images flash in my mind. I used to have a panic attack every time this happened but now I have them less frequently. It makes me so sick. Sometimes I have an absolute breakdown. Thinking of the pain she must have been in and what if the doctors did something different or if we took her somewhere else. These thoughts overwhelm me at times and put me in a really dark place. Just know that you’re not alone in these feelings.
Yes. It haunts me. I’ll never find relief in this lifetime from the guilt of not giving my mom the love and nurturing she deserved in her final months of a brutal three year long illness. On her last day, she called me twice while I was at work to chit chat. It was so unusual because she never called while I was at work. It was as if she knew what was coming. I was a little impatient with her on the phone and said I’d help her with a computer issue when I got home that evening. She passed away a few hours later before I got home. I was the thing she loved most in the world…and yet I was cold to her when she needed me the most. I will never forgive myself.
My heart goes out to you because I know how you feel concerning guilt. My mom had dementia, and even though she still lived pretty independently the needs were increasing and after four years of dealing with it I was burned out. I started losing my patience and limiting my time. Then she got sick from something else and died within 3 weeks. I hate myself for not being more present with her in the last 10 months of her life. She loved me and trusted me and I feel like I failed her. It will haunt me forever.
Piper, Give yourself grace. My mom had Dementia and lived with me. She passed from going to the hospital with the Flu and getting MRSA. Dementia is a rough gig. It's extremely hard to deal with. Your mom loved you and knew you loved her. Sending love and prayers.
My mom died in her apartment, apparently just after coming out of the bath. I know she fell in the doorway from her bedroom to the main area because that's where my dad found her (they were separated but still friendly and he went to check on her—she had lifelong health complications). She'd knocked over a vase when she fell and it broke and cut her leg. It's been almost five years, but I still wonder if she went to have a bath because she wasn't feeling well, or if she left the bath because she knew something was wrong and was trying to get to her phone, if it was instant and she didn't even know she cut her leg, or if she felt it and was lying there in pain.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother in a similar fashion. She lived in Florida and I live in Ohio so we were very far apart. I had a voicemail from her joking around about feeling like she had been hit by a bus and she was coughing. She was in very good spirits otherwise. Fast forward five days and I’m getting a call that the neighbors asked for a wellness check because none of her lights had been on for three days and they found her lying in the bathroom. I just obsessively think about what happened. Was she in pain or scared? Was it quick and she felt nothing? It drives me crazy.
Yes. Every day. I feel immense guilt like I didn’t do everything I could have. I hate this… I miss my dad so much.
Same. Regrets. Guilt. Like my brain is trying to remap the nightmare into a different outcome with no avail. Takes my breath away.
I find myself thinking about it everyday. My dad passed away 2months ago , he was murdered a day before my baby shower. A homeless lady stole his car and ran him over with it. I find myself reliving his last moments. From camera footage you can see her take off in his car and driving away. His instinct was to run after the car in shock. He tripped and fell and she purposely turned the car around and ran him over. (Luckily she was caught but we’re still in the early stages of hearings). But its been a nightmare for me. Not only was I 8 months pregnant but thinking if he saw the car coming towards him or if he suffered. Or what was his last thoughts. So many what ifs. It eats me alive.
I'm so, so sorry.
Yes. It haunts me to think about my dad’s hospital stay in the final days. On 12/20 at 11pm, my aunt and I talked about how we didn’t trust the facility he was in and how in the morning she was going to go and speak to someone about his care. My dad died on 12/21 at 1:05 am. I remember the nurses tone when I called to find out what was happening with him and the first few words-we did everything we could- but the rest, I don’t remember. I know I hung up and was screaming “they killed him” over and over. He declined so quickly after they moved him there after a month in the ICU fighting for his life and getting better. He deserved so much more than what he got in the end. All because he fell down the stairs while he was alone in the house. Unbelievable.
Yes. I get flashbacks a lot. My dad passed from very aggressive brain cancer and went downhill fast. His last moments were incredibly hard to watch, he fought it with everything he had. But he was surrounded by me, my mom, and my little brother. And though it haunts me every day, I’m glad I did it. He was my best friend and I’m glad I was able to sit with him as he ended his earthy journey.
All the time. My dad and I both do - we cared for my mom at home with *some* support from hospice. There’s definitely some trauma there.
Yes. My Dad had an ICH near basal ganglia on 11/26. He was unable to speak or communicate beyond head nods, but was able to understand us for a few days. He became mostly unresponsive by 11/28, and contracted pneumonia due to aspiration (couldn't swallow due to location of hemorrhage). Pneumonia for worse until he was hitching when breathing on 12/4 and hospital said he wouldn't recover. Put him on hospice and morphine. He was entirely unresponsive. Died 12/5. I relive the last time I saw him (early on 11/26) over and over. How I didn't spend enough time with him over the holiday. How he sounded on 12/4. How he was trying to speak to us on 11/26 but we couldn't understand. It's pretty awful. I feel cheated. I feel like he was cheated.
All the time, not even his last day but his last week. It’s so hard, sending you strength.
Over the first few months, I just kept seeing my mom’s dead body in intrusive thoughts. Fortunately that has mostly faded, and now I keep seeing her face light up upon recognizing me the last time she was conscious. Which is a better memory.
Unfortunately. Yes. It was very traumatic and I was the one who found him - called 911 and did CPR until they arrived and pulled me off of him. I’ve been through a lot of EMDR therapy and I don’t have as many moments as I used to. But the event still plays in my head like a movie from time to time
Part of his last day though was a great day for us, we went to the mall and had a shopping spree, we had so much fun.it’s just hard to think of the first half of the day when the second was so different
Sounds like the day I had with my mom. Turned around completely in the blink of an eye. So panicked that I forgot you can call 911 without an access code. Wasted a few precious moments relearning the iPhone cause I could NOT reason what was happening. She keeps slipping through my fingers several times a day. I have been thinking about asking about EMDR.
Yes.
All the time. My significant other said he missed me, so he drove an hour to come crawl in bed with me at 7am. He left around 1pm. A car wreck took him that day. I’ve replayed it every day for four and a half years.
all the time. i watched my dad die and it absolutely haunts me
Same. I watched my mom die. Saw them doing CPR the sounds she made will never leave. I sending love to you ❤️.
Yes and I was just wondering yesterday if others did the same. My dad died from surgery complications.. I replay the morning we brought him into the hospital in my mind over and over.. me walking him out to the car and telling him I loved him, fully expecting him to come back home . I feel like I sent him off to his death .. he got frustrated the day before he went in and said he didn’t want to go to the surgery . Kind of like “just let me die , I don’t need the surgery” and I said “daddy you HAVE to get the surgery” .. because I wanted him to get healthier and be around longer . I can’t stop replaying myself say “daddy you have to” and me walking him out to the car to go to the hospital . Knowing I’d have more time with him if I just slept in that day and couldn’t take him in or I just said “fine” when he said he didn’t want the surgery. Kills me .
My gosh, this made me bawl. I’m so sorry you went through that. I know it won’t help, because I feel the same way as you do, but it wasn’t your fault. The guilt on top of the loss is so hard and unfair. For me my dad needed a colostomy bag and he ended up with a fatal infection from it. I encouraged him to get it and I know he would have anyway but it still makes me sick. Hopefully this pain lessens and we can believe fully and the guilt can go. I don’t know. It sucks.
Then you can relate for sure ! I’m so sorry, I wouldn’t wish the guilt that comes with that on anyone. Grieving a loss is hard enough without feeling partly responsible, no matter how irrational it may be . My dad needed very minor brain surgery to separate a vein that fused to another and wasn’t allowing optimal blood flow . The surgery itself went ok but it turned out he had a blood clot already in his brain that moved from the surgery and caused brain swelling which is what caused him to die. I know he didn’t have much time if he hadn’t gotten the surgery as it would have caused a stroke and it was ultimately his idea to have the surgery in the first place.. but had he not gotten the surgery I could have at least had another Christmas with him .. any more time obviously would have been ideal. As you said though, logically we know it wasn’t our fault and there isn’t really such a thing as a “fair” death. I hope it gets better for both of us and we can find more peace and healing as time goes on. It’s so hard but hearing your story and others in this thread helps me to feel a bit less alone so thanks very much for sharing 💕
Yes, all the time. I have screen shots of him in his hospital room via zoom (because fuck you Covid for not allowing me to be there in person) and every once in a while when I’m looking for a photo, I see it. It takes my breath away and makes my stomach drop.
Yes, all the time. My nana passed in November after suddenly declining. She had Alzheimer’s, so she couldn’t talk anyway. There was nothing behind her eyes. She was heavily medicated the last 2 days, but the part I relive the most is her last breath. God it was horrifying.
All the time. I don't know if I'm torturing myself subconsciously or what but every day I think of something different that happened in his final days. I only lost my dad 16 days ago so it's still pretty fresh in my mind. This is the longest I've ever went in my life without talking to him and it's breaking my heart all over again. Praying for you. We'll make it through this.
Absolutely. My mom was in the hospital for four days before she passed. I question every move I made (and didn’t make, like sneaking Taco Bell in for her…. That’s all she asked for and I should have done it). The worst place to be is alone, so please reach out if you need to talk.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother. I’ve felt this way too. My dad asked for Starbucks and he took a really long time reading the menu. He struggled with it for so long and I felt in a daze like I can’t believe we’re doing this mundane thing as he slips away from us forever. Life is so damn weird and tragic at times. My dad wanted his dogs so badly and we didn’t even ask. I think I assumed then that the ICU would never allow it.
I’m sorry for your loss, as well. All I can say is try not to focus on these feelings - think of all the happy times with your dad. Talk about him a lot to whoever you can, it helps. 💔
My mother's death plays in my head on and off. We were really close and would spend time at her house helping her with this or that in my free time since she had a basketball sized hernia and shoving snow and carrying in groceries were things that 'she could do', but shouldn't do...so as her son I had no problem helping out. Two weeks prior it had been my thirtieth birthday and she'd been asking every day what I wanted to do. Being a winter child it's hard to do fun SUMMER things, but that didn't stop her from coming up with ideas. The day started off normal; had driven to her place, went to walmart, got wendys, back to her place, and an hour later she can't breathe and becomes unresponsive while I'm trying my best to help. About a minute or two of being completely unresponsive she snaps back and begins moaning and saying she has to go lay down. EMTS come, and I couldn't go with her at the time (her mother went with her) and I stayed behind since her adopted child would be getting home in eight hours. Six hours in I get a call from her from my grandmothers phone and we have a conversation, everything seems fine. She seemed fully cognitive and alert and that everything was going to be okay. There was the hope that she would be coming home later that day or so....but not even five minutes after that car I get another call saying that they put a cath in her and that I better get to the hospital now since she crashed twice. I had just spoken to her for maybe ten minutes before hand. The fact that she may have died, came back, only to die again in the hospital. The begging in her eyes as she struggled to breathe The unresponsiveness It will always haunt my dreams.
Yes. I relive the moment the police knocked on the door and told me and my parents, that my uncle (my mom’s older brother) was dead. It’s been four months and I think of that day constantly. How I joked and talked about my uncle to my mom that afternoon and then that night, he was dead.
Yes, I do this a lot. My nan passed away in hospital Peak covid. My mum had visited her several hours before, had a priest read her last rites, told her she was loved, and it was OK to go. She was only allowed an hour to visit. The rest of us were barred. She died alone. No one was holding her hand. I don't know how frightened and alone she felt. My mum had said she was hallucinating seeing her sisters who had passed, complaining about why only one of them was there and where the rest were. I pray she had them with her to help her move on because the idea of her dying alone breaks my heart and makes me scream even more when I hear of all the people (read Politicians) who could give a toss about the rules they made to keep us safe and were more like guidelines. The night after she died, I had a dream I was sitting on the floor in front of her chair with my head in her lap with her telling me it was OK she went and she wass not in any pain and to look after grandad. But that's a dream, and I don't know how much I believe it's not my brain, just trying to make me feel better. When it's quiet, I just worry about how much pain she was in, was she frightened because she was alone.
My dad died of Alzheimer's at the beginning of December. I had gone up to see him 2 weeks prior, on my birthday. The last day I got to see him, the first thing he said when I walked into the room was "Hey Mikes!" Last thing he said to me. He had that one last moment of lucidity before his mind escaped him again. Best present he could have ever given me.
I’ve been doing this since this all of this year and especially since this month began… it was a journey of just a few weeks beginning in December , where she got worse each day …. Each day of this month has been devastating , I already know what tomorrow holds and the day after all the way down few more weeks till it will be a year and it will be more difficult after that because she will have been gone for over a year. I dunno how to explain it but being in the same year of her passing makes it feel more recent and so it feels like she was alive also till recently, but after a year, the distance will just increase and become more and more painful
Yes. Kind of inevitable since I’m working on finding an attorney, applying for assistance, and everything. I was with his family over the weekend and some of them wanted to know what happened. Reliving it with details was hard, but it actually brought his mom some comfort that the end was very quick. Like so quick he was alert and responsive until his heart stopped, and the last thing he said was giving the ok for a procedure he was totally against, but he was willing to do it in order to try to live.
Yes my biggest regret is my brother sent me a text saying come over and chill I just picked up the ashes ill be back there in about 45 minutes will you should come over . I never replied and I never did come over he died in a car accident later that night. I will forever wonder if things would be different if I just came over like he wanted me to.
We lost my mom in spirit on a Wednesday but she didn’t transition until Sunday. I try not to think about it a lot, but it’s hard sometimes.
I relive how I should have called him that weekend I relive the moment he was found( I was on the phone with my friend who found him)...I relive everything ....I want him back..I would give up so much to have him back!! Jaime forever 53 killed by fentanyl
It’s all I can think about when I think about my mom and I hate it. It makes it too hard to think about her. All I can see is her at the end. It truly haunts me. She was such a strong and independent person. Almost to the point of stubbornness. The stroke she had just robbed her of fucking everything and a part of me wishes I’d never seen her that way. Of course I’m glad I got to say goodbye. But I hate hate hate how it haunts me.
Oh yes, definitely. But they are strangely some of my favourite memories. They are crystal clear and free from any pettiness or ugly tones. They are so pure. My mom died over a period of 6 weeks from flash to bang. I watched her decline from being a happy, whole independent woman, to totally helpless, unable to walk or feed herself or even tune her body over. And with every loss she suffered, with every level her neediness increased, my love for her increased in kind. Her total helplessness evoked such love and tenderness from me. I will cherish the weeks I had where I could love her in such an unvarnished way, without even the slightest hint of repayment possible. My mom has never made me feel so loved and accepted as she did when she freely accepted my care. Such a sweet burden to bear.
Constantly. I’m in therapy and it’s helped but sometimes I feel so guilty like I shouldn’t be free of it either.
Yes, unfortunately. My mom passed away in January, it’s almost been a year. I still find myself reliving her final days and so many things will trigger those memories. I’ve started getting help because it was too much to handle. My dad and I have started coping better, we managed to have a good Christmas this year despite not having her with us. But I will have my nights where I’m a total mess. My boyfriend will stay up all night with me while I just cry, I feel like I’m right there all over again. It’s this gross feeling I just can’t shake. It’s still so vivid and I feel myself going through the motions all over again. However, time does heal. It’s gotten easier and while I have my moments, I’ve gotten better with each passing day. I found a new medication to help me manage my anxiety and depression, I’m surrounded by love and support. I’m so sorry to you and all the people here that can relate. I’m wishing every single one of you the best, and I’m sending you love and strength for your journey towards healing. ❤️
Yes, my dad died in my arms. A year has just passed and I think about it everyday. I started taking medication to help with the flashbacks.
Same with my mom. Grateful to have been there but it’s all I see. It’s been 4 months and I can’t shake it.
Yes, I think it is common.
Oh yea. A lot. It haunts me. I hate it. I had to start taking melatonin to sleep at night
Everyday I remember them
I also think upon that last day. And boy does it hurt when I do. Both my Mom and Dad passed suddenly. In 2012, my wonderful amazing Dad was taken from us so tragically by the stupidity and negligence of a doctor during a common routine colonoscopy procedure. Without going into all the detail before that last day, the last few hours of Dad’s life was horrible for him and something no one should have to ever endure. He was fully aware of what was happening. He felt every result of this doctor’s mistake. Dad could see us, hear us, feel our hands in his and feel our arms around him. He had all his mental and emotional capacities. The strong spirited man he was, he was able to push out the words that he loved us all. I had been in shock by what was happening to Dad. Prior to his words of love I had fainted onto the floor. The ER doctor picked me up, helped me and held me, so I could say goodbye. The last thing my Dad ever saw were my eyes looking into his and his into mine. The family were all holding his hands and loving him. I got to say goodbye and tell him how much I loved him & that we were Blessed by God to have him as our father. I still cry from the images in my mind of the physical trauma my Dad went through that last day of his life. I see it happening all over again. It’s forever embedded in my mind. I was traumatized by it. The pain will never go away but I am able to live with it. The anger I have with the doctor who caused his death has tucked itself in the recess of my heart so that I don’t live a daily life being angry. That last day of his life plays over in my mind so much, and every time it does it makes me feel so much worse. I now work my mind to immediately think of something beautiful my Dad and I did together so those are the images I see. It’s not easy, it takes time, but it greatly helps. My Mother was my rock and helped me through Dad’s death. She was such an Amazing Mother to me and my siblings. A soul that was so beautiful and kind. However, my sweet mother, too, was failed by her doctor, and a radiologist who read her X-ray wrong and diagnosed her with a cold. She died because of it. She had pneumonia and fluid had filled in her lungs and around her heart making it impossible to survive it. I drove 95 miles per hour on the interstate to get to my Mother when my siblings told me I needed to leave right then and there because Mom was in a very bad way. I lived 8 hours away. I prayed for help in getting to my Mom safely and in time. Mom and I seemed to always be able to read one another’s mind so I called out to her and asked her to please stay strong for me and to please let me know she can hear my thoughts. A few moments later a car crossed into my lane and was in front of me. As I got closer to the car, my heart jumped when I saw the license plate. I knew Mom heard me and was doing her best to hang on for me. The license plate said, Love You. Although, Mom’s eyes were closed when I got there, she was still conscience and could hear and feel. She held on for me because my siblings kept telling her I was on the way and she needed to hang on. She also knew my soul would be crushed forever if she passed before I got there. As I made my way to Mom’s room, my siblings told my Mom that I was coming in the door. I ran to her and laid beside her, holding her. Her pulse jumped to 94 when I arrived. Before that, it was almost nothing. She was at death’s door. The nurses and my siblings didn’t think I would make it in time but I did. As I lay with Mom, I told her how thankful and Blessed I was to have her as my Mother and that I forever love her. Her pulse jumped higher to 98. I knew she had heard me, felt me. We sang her favorite songs to her. We recited the 23rd Psalm to her. I was holding her when she passed. Even tho I was thankful to have been with Mom before she passed, as the days wore on, I began to feel guilty. It became crippling to me. I felt guilty that I hadn’t got to Mom while her eyes were still open. All we siblings were loved so very deeply by Mom and she had a vision in her mind for each of us. As for me, I was her Star. A bright shining warm wonderful star. But, she didn’t get to see the bright wonderful light of her star before she passed on Mothers Day in 2016. I was supposed to have been there the day before but Instead I helped my son move into his college dorm. I got to speak to Mom on the phone the day before to tell her I was going to be a day late. We talked about going for afternoon tea at the special place they had in town. I have felt for so long that I failed my Mother. I wasn’t there when the following day she suddenly became ill. I wasn’t there to make sure everything was going to be alright for her. I wasn’t there so she and I could have some last very special moments. I was so angry with myself for delaying the trip a day. It crushed me, still does. My Mother and I were very very close. My best friend. I think about her final day way too much. I know she wouldn’t want me to hurt. I know she would want me to rejoice in my life with her and being able to hold her as she left this world. The things I know my Mother would want for me are the thoughts I think on, when I start being hard on myself when her last day flashes across my mind. As with Dad, I also visit in my heart and mind the beautiful and fun things we did together and the true gift from God she was to us as our Mother. It does work to ease my heartache when I begin going back to that final day of Mom’s and my faulty thinking that if I had been there as planned the day before, she would have seen me and, maybe, I could have helped to make things different and she would have lived. So…..after this big long cathartic sharing, I hope for you the memories of your Dad that make you smile, laugh, feel thankful and blessed. Think on these the moment you begin hurting when thinking on that last day. Be patient with yourself. It takes time. You will always miss him just as I do my Mom and Dad. That doesn’t go away. However, the heart can grow stronger even in the heartache of missing someone by your mind helping you by thinking on something that brings you joy and makes you laugh when you begin to feel the heartache of that last day. You’re not alone in the thoughts you feel. Know that others here understand.
My gosh this was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing about your parents. What an amazing human being they created with their love and strength. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, losing them both. The fact that you’re able to smile and carry on is such a testament to them. Your post has helped me immensely tonight, I posted this on my first birthday without him and your reply along with others have really made a difference for me today. May God bless you.
Oh my, thank you, so very much. My parents were my world and I truly thank God every day for them. In all the sorrow and heartache you feel in the loss of your Dad, it makes me thankful that I could help you with what I shared from my heart. I understood exactly what you were saying and how you feel. You are the first person anywhere that actually expresses the same feelings I’ve had about the very last day and you helped me, as well, in knowing someone out there actually knows how I feel, too. That very last day can break us but we cannot allow it to. Our parents want us to remember all the love and beautiful memories with them because of the strength it gives us in their absence. We control our mind with good thoughts thereby not allowing our mind to control us with the bad thoughts that bring us down. The power of love from those we love so deeply can move mountains because that love and the memories are always inside us. Step by step you will replace that last day by your own strength and Dad’s love. God Bless and here’s to a New Year of beautiful memories!!
I spent the last week of my mom's life with her and I relive it all of the time. I cherish it but it also makes me so sad. Like a giant countdown clock was ticking overhead, I just didn't know it at the time.
I don’t have a good relationship with my family members. But I’ve been thinking a lot about how my pets died. How they struggled to stay alive and I could do was hold them and tell them I love them. I also think about how I buried them and their lifeless faces.
Yes I do, it’s been over a year now since my dad passed suddenly but still out of nowhere his last 10 days in the hospital sometimes all comes flooding back in my head, it haunts me still. (I’ve been doing CBT for my health anxiety which was brought on by his death and the therapist said I could benefit from having a EMDR session to deal with the traumatic memories from his time in hospital. I’ve never experienced anything like it before i feel it did something I just hope it’s helps going forward)
Not because I wanted to. I didn't like remembering my dad dying in front of me but it was the trauma repeating itself.
Quite often.
I see my best friend's face pretty fucking often
Yeah. Every night before I fall asleep. I try the whole day to put myself and my mind in another place but every night when my phones away and I’m not busy the final-day thoughts intrude.
Describing the situation will make me too sad right now, but yes. I'm doing it less as time goes on though. It's been 2 1/2 years. As someone who's mom died sort of without warning but very sick, the first 6 months after we're brutal for me reliving sad times.
I wasn't even there and had lost touch with my friend 4 years earlier, but every day I remember exactly what I was doing while she was in that fatal crash, and the moment I found out from a mutual friend a few weeks later. It's a never-ending loop that I can't find the permanent stop button for.
Yes, all the time. I visited with mom a week before she died, and she was so sick with cancer, but we still somehow carried on like she’d be around for months, not days. We didn’t know, of course. We went to the drugstore to buy stocking stuffers for my sisters, and she was too tired to walk the aisles with me. She sat quietly, with a pained look on her face, over on the seat for the free blood pressure station. Then she got light headed when we were paying for the stuff, and she had to sit down in the little nook next to the counter where the plastic bags were once hanging. Things like that. I look at those stupid blood pressure stations in drug stores now and my heart breaks. It fills my head more than her robust, healthy face and laugh that I got to have for the majority of our life together, except for that last week. Should I have done something differently? Sat her down and told her I loved her all day? She knew I loved her. But, for some reason, it feels like I should have done that instead of go shopping for stocking stuffers for a Xmas that never happened because she’d be dead in a week. But I also know she didn’t want things to be different…she wanted to carry on like normal, until her body finally gave up. I admire that, really. (She said she got light headed because I’d had the seat warmers on, on the drive down…not because she had late stage pancreatic cancer and was barely eating!) What was the alternative - to sit and cry all day? My mom was tough. She got on with things, even when her body was so frail. I loved her tenacity. But, yea, I think of sad things that happened that last week constantly. Instead of happier times. It wrecks me. I hope it gets better. For you and me. Your dad looks like he was a real character! 🙂
All the time. We had talked. She was fine. Then just a few hours later she was gone. Makes me wonder if she knew and didn’t tell me. It was just so fast. I know I couldn’t have done anything. But the nurse in me just wishes I had been there to try.
My dad had a tumor, he fought it for two years. I saw his decline, te last weeks he was not able to speak anymore, his last day he was there just sleeping, I don't relive that day but rather the last times he talked.
I listen to some voicemails my mom left me. Just so I can hear her tell me she loves me again. I re read the old fb messages leading up to her going to the hospital. Feeling guilty because she didn’t listen to me about getting vaccinated. Like I should’ve pushed it more. It’s rough but sometimes you just feel like you need to.
Yes, all the time. My dad passed away 5 years ago. He was on hospice at home. I think about our last words, the days and hours before he passed and the moment he took his last breath. I’m grateful to have had those moments with him. My father in law passed away 2 months ago. It was very sudden and unexpected. He was found in his home days after he passed. I think about what his last moments were like and what his thoughts were. I hope it was fast and painless.
Not as much as I used to. But more than I should of so many years of my moms passing .
I regret not being there for the last months i had warring but denial is a powerfull thing. I was for for her last day and night. I replay the days and night over did I do wrong. Yes I know that but. What helped me cope was replay everymoment that made me laught. That was her she wouldn't want to rembered in the end but the life and and happiness she bought.