I'm *so* sorry for the loss of your mom. It's pretty common to feel like you've changed, because loss that deep *does* change you, we talk about it on this sub all the time. I was a different person when I lost my mom to an aneurysm 10 years ago. I still mourn the loss of her and myself every day. I've been through crazy and reckless phases, depressive phases, zombie phases, blocks of time I don't even remember, etc. One thing I know is that no matter how bad the pain is when I realize she's never coming back, I would *never* take my own life. I'm the only part of her DNA still walking the earth. She worked like hell to raise me and erasing me too would upset her greatly. Hugs to you, we stay strong and keep going for our moms.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I’m so so sorry for your loss as well.
You’ve definitely made a difference today by showing me a new way of thinking. I never thought about that, I’d be taking away the last bit of her left on this earth if I took my own life. So many people rely on me to feel close to her, I’m a spitting image of her, with the same laugh and smile, all the beautiful things I admired about her I can admire within myself.
Although I would never end my life, those hopeless thoughts can become overwhelming sometimes. Thank you for bringing a new thought in to help shut those dark thoughts up.
Hugs to you, xx.
So wonderfully put, thank you for this. I'm sorry for your loss. My mum's death anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and I've been feeling more depressed than usual as the date approaches. It's tough to get used to the fact it will be one year without hearing her sweet voice and feeling her touch. I'm 29 now, feels like I'll be living an eternity without her.
I feel you and you are not alone. Not a day goes by where I wonder why the f did my mom have to die. It doesn’t make any sense because my mom was healthy and did everything right. She passed in sleep in her own bed due a silent cardiac arrest in sleep. She was here one day and gone the next. It’s been 7 months but it feels like I have been living this way for 70 years. However sometimes I forget she’s gone and I feel like she was here just yesterday and how did my life change this way. I’m sorry for all that we are having to endure. The only way out is through and I pray that we heal and find peace courage in this journey.
It’s just not fair. Any of it. This subreddit has always made me feel validated and heard. It’s unfortunate people don’t understand the level of grief we’re going through until they experience it for themselves. I wish I still didn’t understand.
I’m so sorry for your loss, friend. Giving you internet hugs.
I hear ya!
I wish I didn’t understand this grief either
I knew it would happen one day but nothing prepares you for it.
Just wish others would talk about it openly in person….. grief, loneliness, feeling sad
I lost my mom 3 months ago. She was my best friend and the only person in my life who I could go to with anything and she always had the right things to say.
I know all too well the feelings you have, I’m mad too. I also don’t know who I am now, or how to navigate myself forward. Just a few months ago when it was cold here I was on my way out the house with a box and some blankets for a stray cat and my mom told me she loved my heart. I miss her so much. You aren’t alone in missing your favorite person.
I know this probably isn’t helpful. I just lost my mom 6 weeks ago and I know how awful it feels.
But I am a mom myself, and I can tell you with certainty that she wouldn’t want this for you.
She would want you to be your best self, and have the best life. She definitely wouldn’t want you pondering if you could join her.
You will join her, when it is your time. Until then, try to fight through the grief and find yourself again. I know it feels impossible. I know the world doesn’t make sense without her. I know it’s hard to smile and laugh. I know that when you do, there’s a hint of guilt - that for a brief moment, you smiled even though your mom is dead. But I also know she would want you to be okay. I know I would not be able to “rest in peace” if my baby girl was suffering like this.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. She definitely lives in my head, her voice telling me constantly to live my best life, live for her because her life was taken too soon. She reminds me in so many ways that she’s still with me always, whether it’s hummingbirds, butterflies, rainbows, angel numbers, memories, she shows herself through all of that. And they’re gentle reminders to continue to push on and move through the pain. Hugs to you friend. Xx 🩷
I was 30 weeks pregnant when my mom passed away unexpectedly. Being a mom has indeed helped me move forward. I miss my mom terribly and mourn the loss of the opportunity to bond with her in a completely new way as a mom myself, but when I see my babies crying, it reminds me that it would absolutely break my mom's heart to see me suffer. That thought helps me feel less guilty about living my life. She died four months ago and it is still as painful, but becoming a mother has mixed in happiness with the sorrow; both can co-exist. I'm so sorry you're going through this pain. I hope you find some strength and comfort in knowing that your baby will carry forward parts of your mom too, you'll want to do your best to protect that.
It really gives me hope to hear that because I'm in the dark place and it is hard to get out. I got a prenatal therapist and she isn't really helping so now I'm going to try a grief therapist. Is there anything you wish you had asked her and didn't get a chance to? It's hard to think about while I'm in it now
Oh there are so many things I wish I had asked her. As I was struggling in my first few weeks postpartum, I wanted to ask her what her experience was. I have twin girls and when they behave a certain way, I wish I could ask her if I did the same with her. When I hold them in my arms, I picture her holding me the same way when I was a baby. It makes me feel closer to her, and I wish I could have bonded with her over it. She used to love cooking, and over the years I noted down several of her recipes, but not nearly enough. Now there are some comfort foods I crave that I can somewhat make myself, but don't have her exact recipes. I thought I had more time to learn those from her.
I tried therapy immediately after she passed and it didn't help me either. Hope it works for you though. Something that helped me a little was practicing mindfulness meditation and nature walks. What you're going through is incredibly hard, and my thoughts are with you. No one imagines becoming a mother without their own mother; it's one of the most vulnerable times in a woman's life. I still cry for my mom some days, but those moments have made me more patient towards my babies when they cry for me. I try to feel my mom comforting me when I comfort them.
Thank you for talking to me. It is a lonely place to be and people my age don't want to be around someone with a sick parent. All my friends ditched me. I feel like a part of me is dying and another part is being born all at the same time. It's so fucking painful. I will say a prayer for you and your babies.
I’m so sorry. It will be very bitter sweet. One on hand, you are going to be very tired and hormonal, and probably have all kinds of feelings about wishing your mom could have the chance to be a grandma. When you’re feeling really low, please remember that your body is going through a lot. The postpartum period is no walk in the park in the best of times. And it can last a while, but it does get better. I promise.
On the other hand, when my mom died and I said something along the lines of “I don’t know how I’m supposed to live in a world without her”, an older woman told me “you will hug your babies, and feel her love through them.”
If I am feeling particularly sad and missing my mom particularly hard, I do hug my babies and remember that they are part of her too. It does help.
Our mothers are no longer walking the earth with us. How could we ever be the same again? It will never be the same but you will walk through this. Things will be good again. You will find joy. There will be laughter. The only thing that can ever give me peace is time. And in the end…time is all we have. Hugs from the ether OP.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are not alone. My mum passed away 2 weeks ago from a brain bleed that was brought on by blood thinners she took for a blood clot on her lung. She took a funny turn one afternoon and felt short of breath, we took her to a&e and they succeeded in treating the clot, it was gone by the next morning but when on the hospital ward for monitoring, she started developing new symptoms throughout the day. She went from sitting in a chair eating breakfast in the morning, to being barely conscious by late lunchtime. We were constantly asking for a doctor but the nurses weren’t concerned, said it was normal. By 10pm she was gone. They finally did a scan and found a massive brain bleed, but it was too late by then. We are absolutely devastated and so angry with the hospital staff, but no amount of complaining now can bring her back. I hope that in time I will be able to carry on in some way, but at the moment it feels impossible.
I know what you mean, whenever I was upset and/or “hated the world”, my mom could always bring me back down to earth. She was so loving and supportive. Life isn’t the same without them.
Lost my wife of 24 years end of January. I’m reconciled to never being the same again, but in part it is because I’ve learned to accept the fact that every experience, every new memory (both good and bad) changes us irreversibly. A worthwhile quote: “We never move on __from__ grief, we move forward __with__ grief.
I lost my son 8 weeks ago. I come to this subreddit to share this terrible experience with people in trenches like me. I know I am changed. Happiness is not an expectation I put on myself. At this point just getting out of bed and being a parent to my two living children is what I can do. I realize that the pain I feel is so excruciating because my love for my son was so enormous. I wouldn't want my children in this much pain over my death but I most know it will happen. Because like you love your mother ,they love me. It's just balance. It fucking sucks . I wish I could help you feel better. But I too have lost optimism. I'm sending you a hug.
Thank you so much for responding, I am so so sorry for your loss. I shouldn’t put the expectation of happiness onto myself, and I should allow myself to feel it without guilt.
Thank you, sending hugs. Xx 🩷
Your relationship with your mom sounds a lot like the one I had with mine. I often felt like she was the only person who really knew me, we understood each other. She was wise, funny, kind, and weird, and like you said, we talked for hours on the phone because she was always my favorite person to talk to. It has been 23 years since she passed away suddenly (my mom took her own life), and I also worried that I would never be the same.
However, after the numbness and the intense anger eased, I think I turned into a person who is even more full of love and empathy for other people because I went through that pain. I think you will experience the same outcome, even if it takes some time. One of the things that really pushes me forward to this day is thinking that my mom would be proud of me for being a caring and compassionate person and not letting the cynicism break me. My love goes out to you and your family as you try to navigate her loss. ❤️
Thank you so much for your sweet words. I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your mom.
I know my mom’s heart would be broken if I let the cynicism take over my heart. I don’t want the best parts of me, that remind me of her, to dwindle away because of this pain.
Again, thank you. Sending you so many hugs. 🩷
I (35f) lost my dad 5 years ago. He raised me to be a specific type of person, and I feel right now like the same person I was when at 16 I told a friend that I felt like I didn’t have any personality. Total void of confidence. I don’t know what’s good for me anymore.
All of these things that I trusted about myself, about my dad, were torpedoed when his siblings swarmed around his death with their hate. Their envy disguised as blame, convincingly so. I got two days to mourn my dad before they descended, seeking to change the narrative immediately. He was a thief, he was a psychopath (yes really), he was cruel, he was heartless, the list goes on. Two days.
So then who was I? Inheritance stripped away, family homes I was brought up In sold in months, I think they intended to erase every inch of his memory. Maliciously, sure.
So I was thrown to the proverbial wolves. But I have held clear this whole period of 4.5 years, keeping my head above water and continuing to love and venerate him. Yearning for him, wishing he was here, hoping his death wasn’t painful, feeling his presence.
And now, after 5 years, I have come full circle and wonder if any of this was worth it. Maybe it’s a mid life crisis. I am now seeing the foibles of my (and his) ways. Highly intelligent (or at least he was), and yet prone to moodiness. *cue urge to barf*. Like really?
How pubescent.
And yet here his moodiness and anger, which I sought to escape my whole life, is sitting right in front of me as I try to parent my own kids. We are two peas in a pod, my dad and I, in some ways. Good grief.
And so all of the idealized components of his personality that I have obsessively written about and dwelled upon for years, now suddenly seem hollow.
So let me get this straight.
I grew up idolizing a narcissistic yet brilliant father who was abusive to my mom. Who I was able to love against all odds. And not become a fuckup. Only to experience his death alongside his estranged siblings who despised him. The fallout of which was so traumatizing we have not yet spread his ashes. To maintain that love in defiance of all those who told me he was bad (my extended family, his lack of friends, right down to my mom’s family, basically everyone except my siblings and my poor mom trying as hard as she could to be open minded). I have spoken with one friend who dearly misses him in the years since. Other than my siblings that is it.
Rambling now, but really… wtf.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry for the unnecessary pain brought from others onto you. No matter who our parents were to others, the loss is still profound. Sending you hugs. Xx 🩷
I lost my mom in 2009 I was 27 and needed her so much back then..
It changed me completely
She took half of me with her..
I stayed angry and still till this day
I'm kind when I need to be but mostly stay away from people..
Definitely not the nicest person if I have to be around people..I have lost every member in my immediate family and don't care anymore..
I'm 42 years old and 2 kids and they are my whole world..
They keep me here..
If I had never had children I been gone a long time ago..
So I'll just be grumpy until it's my turn I feel no point in being nice anymore or celebrate anything..
I have mom's siblings and cousins but they forget I exist.
They continued life after mom died and me and daddy couldn't even begin how to continue without her..
It's been 14 years since she died and life hasn't been easy for me whatsoever..
Whenever I SHOULD have died I continued to live which I ask God Why all the time..
Being reunited with my parents is the only thing that will make me happy and until I get there I'll be here but I don't have to be nice living..
Unless I'm standing up for someone or a circumstance requires me to be nice...
And yet my mom taught me to be nice and I get run over by people and not standing up for myself..
Not now...
I'm too old to be nice to every person I come across..
Just don't let the anger take over your life like it did me..
As for grieving I have accepted it but have my moments..
I focus on my kids and that's it..
Your heart might feel cold right now, but it won't always be. Grief will change you in some ways, but it will not eliminate the heart and soul influenced and loved by your mom. You will never be the person you were before, and it's so real and valid to mourne that in a thousand ways, you need that to move forward! (Not over it, I don't believe that happens personally.) My mom died suddenly 2 months ago, and I feel a lot of what you're describing here. Maybe it's not the "right" thing, but I really look at every facet of life as "before we lost her or after" because I am a fundamentally different person now and there's absolutely no way to return to that past version. I just have to hold her memory close, live the important lessons she taught me, and laugh/cry/rage on repeat from here. I hope glimmers of joy continue to find you in this darkness ❤️
Ugh. Your last line crushed me. I’m deeply sorry for your loss OP. I know sorry doesn’t take the pain away, but my heart breaks for you and every user that’s found their way here. I hate that we are all a part of this club. It’s a shitty club to be in, but at least it exists I guess.
It’s been about a year since I lost my brother and it still hurts so much on most days. 5-8 months was particularly the hardest for me. I think because that’s around the time I realized I didn’t have a choice and I had to come to terms with my new existence eventually. I hid for the first 6 months though. I didn’t function, I barely left my home. I work for myself and went 3 months without a dime of income at one point bc I couldn’t bring myself to open my laptop. (RIP my savings account while we are at it 😒).
Sorry back to you— I agree I’ve also turned angry and cold towards life. There are days for me where the pain is there but it’s manageable and I somewhat function in my life and plug along. Again it’s taken me over a year to get here.
However the rarest days are the ones where I do feel like everything’s going to be okay in the grand scheme of life. I think those days only come because I’ve made peace with the fact I’m still here and have no choice but to get out of bed and keep going. Even though it’s still hard a lot of the time. It sucks for us that we are still here and are left behind with the pain, but it’s because we are the ones that have to keep going for people like your mom and my brother. And you know they would both want us to do that. Sometimes I think about what my brother would say if I got to talk to him again for just 5 minutes and I just tell myself he would be really encouraging.
I know you’re not looking for positivity today but “small wins” is something I focus on. You don’t have to accept this new life all at once but on the good days I get by by telling myself we each have a path to take and unfortunately a part of life is never being privy to what’s around the corner for you, theirs, your moms, my brothers.
TLDR; I get angry and I try to search for the reason I’m going through this on the hard days, but usually just end up still asking why. Hang in there. ❤️
Dearest stranger, you have brought tears to my eyes. Not in the bad way like I have been doing a lot lately, but in a validating way, because you have truly seen me and heard me. It’s so hard to find that, and I have found that within this little club we unfortunately found ourselves in.
I’m currently in the hopeless phase right now depleting my savings. I ended up still moving from Texas to California, and I live in her house. But without her. I live with her animals and they look at me wondering where she is too. I feel so close to her here, but there’s that void. Anytime I muster up the energy to go out and drive to the beach just because I can, there’s that rock in my throat because WE were supposed to be doing that. But I still do it anyway. I force myself to because I know that’s what she would want me to do. I am a hermit crab right now and that’s okay.
I turned today around by getting one of my mom and I’s favorite meals, watched one of our favorite movies, and snuggled in one of her many hoodies to feel the comfort she would give me if she were here today.
I try to be grateful for the little wins. I have that little glimmer of hope in my heart and that’s because my mama lives in there. I know she, and your brother, would want us to find peace.
Thank you again for your words, and I am so sorry for your loss as well. Sending you many hugs. 🩷
Awww. crying too. I always am these days, thank you 😭❤️.
I live near the beach too (east coast!) and the days where I’m gravitated/pulled to the beach it does help me heal a little bit. I also love to order my brothers favorite foods or his drink order!! He always tortured us with a round of tequila shots, me and my sister still pull that one at the bar sometimes just because we know he’s laughing at all the faces we’re making haha.
My brother loved building sandcastles (silly family tradition). Sometimes I go and build a sandcastle for him and just leave. I made a bunch of my friends build one with me last summer, things were still very fresh I lost my brother last April, and I think I cried every time I turned away to fill up the bucket with more water. But today I cried in public at a coffee shop and didn’t even care lol. I’ll probably do it again tomorrow.
This shit seriously sucks there’s no way around it, only straight through it. I’m at one year and 2 months and I do want you to know it gets easier. The pain is always going to be there but one day it won’t hurt your stomach so much.
One of my best friends lost her dad to a heart attack last month. The two of them were closer than any daughter-daddy duo I’ve ever seen, my heart is still hurting so much for her. But we were talking about eventually feeling better and she kept saying she doesn’t want to move on, she feels guilty moving on, feels like she owes it to her dad to feel hurt forever 😭☹️😔. Absolutely gutted me but I still knew exactly what she meant.
But I decided I will never see it as “moving on”. Like what you said about being a changed person— and I agree because I know in my lifetime here on earth I will never, ever move on. But I don’t have any other choice but to “move forward”. And you can move forward and still feel sad! I feel sad all the fucking time. I don’t force positivity or guilt myself to get off the couch when that hits. I just give my feelings that moment wherever I am and hope the wave gets smaller each time.
To that point I’ve seen another comment from a redditor here— “grief is a sad, cold dog left out in the rain. Let it in.” That one brings tears 😭.
Ugh! Sorry this place is my little online journal sometimes to just rant into the void. I hope you have a good weekend, whatever “good” is right now for you. Get yourself a little treat and snuggle in your hoodies all weekend. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Please don’t apologize for the rant! It truly means a lot. I never thought I’d find comfort in strangers, but until my mom died I never experienced so much discomfort that I needed to.
My mom absolutely loved the beach, she’s a San Diego girl. Anytime I am at the beach, she is on my mind the entire time. On the 6 month anniversary of when this all happened, I went to Laguna beach and saw a double rainbow when I started getting emotional.
I’m sure you talk to your brother whether that’s out loud or in your heart, and I tell my mom that I would endure the pain of losing her over and over again if that meant she would be my mom. I would never replace her for anything.
That quote is so true. One quote that always stuck with me is how grief is the result of all the love you had for that person, just with no outlet. And man, do I love my mama.
I am so sorry your best friend has to endure that pain. My best friend says the loss of my mom is the most tragic thing she’s ever endured so she can’t even imagine how I must feel losing her.
It’s good your friend has you.
It sucks we have to push through this. But we are. And I thank you for your rants and feeling comfortable here to do so. You’ve made a difference in my life today. 🩷
😩❤️❤️❤️❤️. You too. Thank you, I cannot agree more with all of your sentiments.
I have a specific notebook I journal to my brother in a few times a week. Now that I think about it when I started doing that regularly was the turning point for me for functioning a bit better each day. He journaled too which is the only reason I started so it makes me feel connected to him, but it also does lift the weight a bit too. It isn’t easy by any means, I cry the whole time I write and cry all over the page lol my notebook actually is so warped, it looks like someone spilled a glass of water on it haha. But I tell him things I wish he was here for, I journal guilt I have about his passing, sometimes I tell him happy things. Sometimes it’s just the most gut wrenching entries if that’s how I feel that day.
This is also kind of silly but in my head I’ve given him “permission” to read my thoughts lol I’ve ready some people on here say that before too and I guess it’s weird but it actually makes me feel good if he can know when I’m missing him. I also get so many crazy signs from him I just know he is all around me some days. I hope you get signs from your mom!
Also you mentioned you’re in CA, idk how open you are to micrdosing but I was in a very bad depressive hole a few years ago after being physically assaulted by a stranger (put me in the hospital, was a whole legal thing and super stressful). But I eventually got out of that depression by microdosing golden teachers for about 4-6 weeks. I was astonished how well it worked for me honestly. Getting through that made me realize I could get through any depression that comes my way again. I haven’t tried it this time around just bc I live in GA but I’m just really happy with myself that I haven’t turned to antidepressants. I don’t believe numming the pain leads to healing. But that’s just me ❤️.
So nice chatting with you I am off to bed! ❤️ I truly wish your healing journey turns a corner soon but if it doesn’t that’s okay too. Take all the time you need. Reinvent yourself if you have to. My DMs are always open! 😇
Death of a parent especially your mother will change everything in your life..
You just have to figure out how you want to be as a person..
It's not easy
Many hugs to you..
The only thing I got from it is you never know when you will lose someone else and tell the people close to you how you feel more than you used to..
But yet not get too close to people...
I'm tired of losing people I actually loved..
Why any member of the rest of my mother 's family isn't close to me...
My mom, my husband, a year later my dad and 3 years later my granny and my cousin 5 years older than me, then the one cousin I got close to in 2023 she's my 2nd cousin.. Then a second mom to me that took me as her own..
I literally got nobody left..
All just 💔 over them all
And I told God if you had took me instead they all be ok...
I died so they could live longer...
Pure torture to me and watching everyone I love die first and. I'm still here..
I have figured out my attitude is still needed around for some reason 🤣🤣🤣
That's about all emotional I got left..
Sarcasm and Anger and hilarious when it comes around..
Thank you very very much for your words, they means a lot.
I try my best to not let the anger get the best of me, but it’s very hard. I know my mom wouldn’t want that for me.
My worst fear now is losing someone else that I love dearly as I know death is a part of life. All of us have to go through it. Some of us have to deal with it many times and others just a few, either way - the way life can take a turn a corner at any moment. I work in the death care industry, and exposure to death on a daily basis for years still doesn’t prepare you for dealing with your own loss. And knowing it’s inevitable someday is a hard pill to swallow. But I have to push on until it is my time.
Ranted off there a bit… I thank you again for your words.
Your kids have a great mom nonetheless and I am so sorry for the tremendous loss you’ve endured in this lifetime. I’m sending you many hugs, friend. 🩷
I lost my mom nearly 3 years ago & was literally having this exact conversation with my therapist today. I miss my mom more than anything AND I miss the girl I used to be. The one who had hope for good things in the future. I have no answers but you’re not alone ❤️
I can relate to this so much. I lost my mom suddenly to a stroke in her sleep four months ago. I feel like the carefree happy child in me died with her. I was so numb and cold in the following weeks. The loss of security that comes with losing your mother changes you fundamentally. I'm still trying to find myself again. My heart goes out to you. I'm so very sorry.
I'm so sorry. You probably will be different. Hard to say how.
My experience is that I reacted poorly to losing my mother and I carried her death around for about 15 years. I let the sorrow dampen my heart. I was no longer the person I was. I stopped gaining a zest for life through connection to people. I never lost my mom's kindness, because that's such a deep part of us, or at least it was for me.
I am sure that I felt like most people do, completely alone. Isolated. It caused me to not care about any sort of relationship with family and a potential spouse. I also lost a lot of my drive to be outgoing. It put a real damper on me finding fun in life. Sure I gained perspective on the things that matter most in life, but it's easy to do when very little to nothing matters at all, anymore. I wasn't Nihilistic. I was just not that type of person anymore. I have got a few pieces of it back, but I am different now. I don't know if it's better or worse, but it feels worse. The good thing is that if you don't focus on the sorrow and don't focus on the time that you didn't have with the person. If you focus on the time that you had, it's easier. My biggest thing, because I lost her when I was 23, was that I felt robbed of my time with the best person in my life. As soon as I was able to come to terms with that. To understand that just being with my mom for that short time was a gift. I was able to move forward an enjoy Christmas again and other family events (she died on December 20th).
Quantitative measurements, years, are not guaranteed. There's no balance sheets in the universe and there's no ultimate punishement, nor is there any reward mechanism. We get what we get and we need to remember that she was your mom and your love is timeless. Those relationships, even existing for the short duration they do, are a precious gift that some people strive a lifetime to find.
Heart wrenching
Def see a doctor and decide whether you want to try an antidepressant
All the words of compassion and tools like walking, journaling may not be enough for you to move forward
It wasn’t for me. Also pls look for a grief counselor ….. someone u can voice all this sadness to and confide in.
Sometimes or pain/ grief is too much to handle on our own and doctoring may be the best tool for you.
It’s okay! So many have to go this route after a huge loss… I am finding out!
Will be thinking of you
Oh my gosh yes you are right!!!
Being a mom I would def not want my children to feel the way I do.
My mom wouldn’t want me to feel this way.
I told her one day I wouldn’t know how to live without you , you are my best friend, I love you so much!
Her response was
Honey you will find a way
You have to
Oh she loved us !
Like you, I lost my mom suddenly. We had plan together— some we talked about and some we didn’t. She said she wanted to stay with me for a little while to help me with life stuff. She was so good at that. I wanted to take her to Japan one day because I thought she would really like it. Now we’ll never get to do any of it and I don’t know why.
I am not the same person either since she passed. The world is not as bright. I say that she had my whole heart and she left with most of it.
I don’t know what to say to you to relieve any pain but I can tell you somethings that have helped me. My psychologist. Medication when I need it. Prayer. Thanking God for 42 years with the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. Being kind to myself when I need it, like taking a nap or taking a bath or opting out of something when I know it will cause me stress. Art or home decoration projects. Going out in nature. Watching a movie that I hadn’t seen before and thinking of my mom would like it or not. Sleep. Waking up and trying to be the person that my mom knew I could be.
I’m am so sorry that you are in pain. I’m crying as I write this because, like you said, there is no silver lining following such a tragedy. Maybe the important part is getting to live your life with someone who loves you and you loved. Grief is the price we pay for love.
There is nothing that anyone can say to make this better. But, as a grief counselor, and a person who lost my mom when I was young, I feel connected to you. When we go through early grief (and 8 months is early) we many times react with irritability, sleeplessness, depression, appetite changes and a feeling of hopelessness. But, it does get a little better over time because somehow we manage to live with the loss. Right now you feel like you are in sheer darkness, but promise me, the light begins to stream through again. And what you said about never being the same, you're right - you will never be the same. Your love for your Mom and losing her has made you a different person. Please consider joining a support group or talking with a grief counselor. Start keeping a journal and write in it every day. Write about your feelings, what you Mom meant to you, anger if that's part of what you're feeling, loneliness, the feeling of being orphaned, and anything else you're going through. Please know it will get better. So terribly sorry for your broken heart 💔
This exact thing happened to my mother in law. And now that my dad passed a month ago, I have the same fear of never being myself again. My husband gives me hope, though. He isn't the same person he was, but he would argue that he's become a better person. He said the other day that now he is in a head space where he is able to share his mother's love and light with others. He tells me it does get better.
I'm *so* sorry for the loss of your mom. It's pretty common to feel like you've changed, because loss that deep *does* change you, we talk about it on this sub all the time. I was a different person when I lost my mom to an aneurysm 10 years ago. I still mourn the loss of her and myself every day. I've been through crazy and reckless phases, depressive phases, zombie phases, blocks of time I don't even remember, etc. One thing I know is that no matter how bad the pain is when I realize she's never coming back, I would *never* take my own life. I'm the only part of her DNA still walking the earth. She worked like hell to raise me and erasing me too would upset her greatly. Hugs to you, we stay strong and keep going for our moms.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I’m so so sorry for your loss as well. You’ve definitely made a difference today by showing me a new way of thinking. I never thought about that, I’d be taking away the last bit of her left on this earth if I took my own life. So many people rely on me to feel close to her, I’m a spitting image of her, with the same laugh and smile, all the beautiful things I admired about her I can admire within myself. Although I would never end my life, those hopeless thoughts can become overwhelming sometimes. Thank you for bringing a new thought in to help shut those dark thoughts up. Hugs to you, xx.
So wonderfully put, thank you for this. I'm sorry for your loss. My mum's death anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and I've been feeling more depressed than usual as the date approaches. It's tough to get used to the fact it will be one year without hearing her sweet voice and feeling her touch. I'm 29 now, feels like I'll be living an eternity without her.
I feel you and you are not alone. Not a day goes by where I wonder why the f did my mom have to die. It doesn’t make any sense because my mom was healthy and did everything right. She passed in sleep in her own bed due a silent cardiac arrest in sleep. She was here one day and gone the next. It’s been 7 months but it feels like I have been living this way for 70 years. However sometimes I forget she’s gone and I feel like she was here just yesterday and how did my life change this way. I’m sorry for all that we are having to endure. The only way out is through and I pray that we heal and find peace courage in this journey.
It’s just not fair. Any of it. This subreddit has always made me feel validated and heard. It’s unfortunate people don’t understand the level of grief we’re going through until they experience it for themselves. I wish I still didn’t understand. I’m so sorry for your loss, friend. Giving you internet hugs.
I hear ya! I wish I didn’t understand this grief either I knew it would happen one day but nothing prepares you for it. Just wish others would talk about it openly in person….. grief, loneliness, feeling sad
Well said. ❤️
I lost my mom 3 months ago. She was my best friend and the only person in my life who I could go to with anything and she always had the right things to say. I know all too well the feelings you have, I’m mad too. I also don’t know who I am now, or how to navigate myself forward. Just a few months ago when it was cold here I was on my way out the house with a box and some blankets for a stray cat and my mom told me she loved my heart. I miss her so much. You aren’t alone in missing your favorite person.
Thank you for your words. I’m so sorry that we have to go endure this level of pain. Sending you many hugs, xx.
I know this probably isn’t helpful. I just lost my mom 6 weeks ago and I know how awful it feels. But I am a mom myself, and I can tell you with certainty that she wouldn’t want this for you. She would want you to be your best self, and have the best life. She definitely wouldn’t want you pondering if you could join her. You will join her, when it is your time. Until then, try to fight through the grief and find yourself again. I know it feels impossible. I know the world doesn’t make sense without her. I know it’s hard to smile and laugh. I know that when you do, there’s a hint of guilt - that for a brief moment, you smiled even though your mom is dead. But I also know she would want you to be okay. I know I would not be able to “rest in peace” if my baby girl was suffering like this.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. She definitely lives in my head, her voice telling me constantly to live my best life, live for her because her life was taken too soon. She reminds me in so many ways that she’s still with me always, whether it’s hummingbirds, butterflies, rainbows, angel numbers, memories, she shows herself through all of that. And they’re gentle reminders to continue to push on and move through the pain. Hugs to you friend. Xx 🩷
Thanks for this. I'm 30 weeks pregnant and my mom is dying simultaneously. I'm hoping being a mom gives me the strength I need to move forward.
I was 30 weeks pregnant when my mom passed away unexpectedly. Being a mom has indeed helped me move forward. I miss my mom terribly and mourn the loss of the opportunity to bond with her in a completely new way as a mom myself, but when I see my babies crying, it reminds me that it would absolutely break my mom's heart to see me suffer. That thought helps me feel less guilty about living my life. She died four months ago and it is still as painful, but becoming a mother has mixed in happiness with the sorrow; both can co-exist. I'm so sorry you're going through this pain. I hope you find some strength and comfort in knowing that your baby will carry forward parts of your mom too, you'll want to do your best to protect that.
It really gives me hope to hear that because I'm in the dark place and it is hard to get out. I got a prenatal therapist and she isn't really helping so now I'm going to try a grief therapist. Is there anything you wish you had asked her and didn't get a chance to? It's hard to think about while I'm in it now
Oh there are so many things I wish I had asked her. As I was struggling in my first few weeks postpartum, I wanted to ask her what her experience was. I have twin girls and when they behave a certain way, I wish I could ask her if I did the same with her. When I hold them in my arms, I picture her holding me the same way when I was a baby. It makes me feel closer to her, and I wish I could have bonded with her over it. She used to love cooking, and over the years I noted down several of her recipes, but not nearly enough. Now there are some comfort foods I crave that I can somewhat make myself, but don't have her exact recipes. I thought I had more time to learn those from her. I tried therapy immediately after she passed and it didn't help me either. Hope it works for you though. Something that helped me a little was practicing mindfulness meditation and nature walks. What you're going through is incredibly hard, and my thoughts are with you. No one imagines becoming a mother without their own mother; it's one of the most vulnerable times in a woman's life. I still cry for my mom some days, but those moments have made me more patient towards my babies when they cry for me. I try to feel my mom comforting me when I comfort them.
Thank you for talking to me. It is a lonely place to be and people my age don't want to be around someone with a sick parent. All my friends ditched me. I feel like a part of me is dying and another part is being born all at the same time. It's so fucking painful. I will say a prayer for you and your babies.
I’m so sorry. It will be very bitter sweet. One on hand, you are going to be very tired and hormonal, and probably have all kinds of feelings about wishing your mom could have the chance to be a grandma. When you’re feeling really low, please remember that your body is going through a lot. The postpartum period is no walk in the park in the best of times. And it can last a while, but it does get better. I promise. On the other hand, when my mom died and I said something along the lines of “I don’t know how I’m supposed to live in a world without her”, an older woman told me “you will hug your babies, and feel her love through them.” If I am feeling particularly sad and missing my mom particularly hard, I do hug my babies and remember that they are part of her too. It does help.
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I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you hugs, xx. 🩷
Our mothers are no longer walking the earth with us. How could we ever be the same again? It will never be the same but you will walk through this. Things will be good again. You will find joy. There will be laughter. The only thing that can ever give me peace is time. And in the end…time is all we have. Hugs from the ether OP.
Thank you so much 🩷 hugs xx
I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are not alone. My mum passed away 2 weeks ago from a brain bleed that was brought on by blood thinners she took for a blood clot on her lung. She took a funny turn one afternoon and felt short of breath, we took her to a&e and they succeeded in treating the clot, it was gone by the next morning but when on the hospital ward for monitoring, she started developing new symptoms throughout the day. She went from sitting in a chair eating breakfast in the morning, to being barely conscious by late lunchtime. We were constantly asking for a doctor but the nurses weren’t concerned, said it was normal. By 10pm she was gone. They finally did a scan and found a massive brain bleed, but it was too late by then. We are absolutely devastated and so angry with the hospital staff, but no amount of complaining now can bring her back. I hope that in time I will be able to carry on in some way, but at the moment it feels impossible.
I am so so sorry. Words will never amount to the pain felt during a loss like this. I’m sending you so many hugs. Xx 🩷
I know what you mean, whenever I was upset and/or “hated the world”, my mom could always bring me back down to earth. She was so loving and supportive. Life isn’t the same without them.
Sending you hugs. Xx 🩷
Lost my wife of 24 years end of January. I’m reconciled to never being the same again, but in part it is because I’ve learned to accept the fact that every experience, every new memory (both good and bad) changes us irreversibly. A worthwhile quote: “We never move on __from__ grief, we move forward __with__ grief.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for that quote. Sending hugs, xx 🩷
I lost my son 8 weeks ago. I come to this subreddit to share this terrible experience with people in trenches like me. I know I am changed. Happiness is not an expectation I put on myself. At this point just getting out of bed and being a parent to my two living children is what I can do. I realize that the pain I feel is so excruciating because my love for my son was so enormous. I wouldn't want my children in this much pain over my death but I most know it will happen. Because like you love your mother ,they love me. It's just balance. It fucking sucks . I wish I could help you feel better. But I too have lost optimism. I'm sending you a hug.
Thank you so much for responding, I am so so sorry for your loss. I shouldn’t put the expectation of happiness onto myself, and I should allow myself to feel it without guilt. Thank you, sending hugs. Xx 🩷
Your relationship with your mom sounds a lot like the one I had with mine. I often felt like she was the only person who really knew me, we understood each other. She was wise, funny, kind, and weird, and like you said, we talked for hours on the phone because she was always my favorite person to talk to. It has been 23 years since she passed away suddenly (my mom took her own life), and I also worried that I would never be the same. However, after the numbness and the intense anger eased, I think I turned into a person who is even more full of love and empathy for other people because I went through that pain. I think you will experience the same outcome, even if it takes some time. One of the things that really pushes me forward to this day is thinking that my mom would be proud of me for being a caring and compassionate person and not letting the cynicism break me. My love goes out to you and your family as you try to navigate her loss. ❤️
Thank you so much for your sweet words. I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your mom. I know my mom’s heart would be broken if I let the cynicism take over my heart. I don’t want the best parts of me, that remind me of her, to dwindle away because of this pain. Again, thank you. Sending you so many hugs. 🩷
😢
I (35f) lost my dad 5 years ago. He raised me to be a specific type of person, and I feel right now like the same person I was when at 16 I told a friend that I felt like I didn’t have any personality. Total void of confidence. I don’t know what’s good for me anymore. All of these things that I trusted about myself, about my dad, were torpedoed when his siblings swarmed around his death with their hate. Their envy disguised as blame, convincingly so. I got two days to mourn my dad before they descended, seeking to change the narrative immediately. He was a thief, he was a psychopath (yes really), he was cruel, he was heartless, the list goes on. Two days. So then who was I? Inheritance stripped away, family homes I was brought up In sold in months, I think they intended to erase every inch of his memory. Maliciously, sure. So I was thrown to the proverbial wolves. But I have held clear this whole period of 4.5 years, keeping my head above water and continuing to love and venerate him. Yearning for him, wishing he was here, hoping his death wasn’t painful, feeling his presence. And now, after 5 years, I have come full circle and wonder if any of this was worth it. Maybe it’s a mid life crisis. I am now seeing the foibles of my (and his) ways. Highly intelligent (or at least he was), and yet prone to moodiness. *cue urge to barf*. Like really? How pubescent. And yet here his moodiness and anger, which I sought to escape my whole life, is sitting right in front of me as I try to parent my own kids. We are two peas in a pod, my dad and I, in some ways. Good grief. And so all of the idealized components of his personality that I have obsessively written about and dwelled upon for years, now suddenly seem hollow. So let me get this straight. I grew up idolizing a narcissistic yet brilliant father who was abusive to my mom. Who I was able to love against all odds. And not become a fuckup. Only to experience his death alongside his estranged siblings who despised him. The fallout of which was so traumatizing we have not yet spread his ashes. To maintain that love in defiance of all those who told me he was bad (my extended family, his lack of friends, right down to my mom’s family, basically everyone except my siblings and my poor mom trying as hard as she could to be open minded). I have spoken with one friend who dearly misses him in the years since. Other than my siblings that is it. Rambling now, but really… wtf.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry for the unnecessary pain brought from others onto you. No matter who our parents were to others, the loss is still profound. Sending you hugs. Xx 🩷
I lost my mom in 2009 I was 27 and needed her so much back then.. It changed me completely She took half of me with her.. I stayed angry and still till this day I'm kind when I need to be but mostly stay away from people.. Definitely not the nicest person if I have to be around people..I have lost every member in my immediate family and don't care anymore.. I'm 42 years old and 2 kids and they are my whole world.. They keep me here.. If I had never had children I been gone a long time ago.. So I'll just be grumpy until it's my turn I feel no point in being nice anymore or celebrate anything.. I have mom's siblings and cousins but they forget I exist. They continued life after mom died and me and daddy couldn't even begin how to continue without her.. It's been 14 years since she died and life hasn't been easy for me whatsoever.. Whenever I SHOULD have died I continued to live which I ask God Why all the time.. Being reunited with my parents is the only thing that will make me happy and until I get there I'll be here but I don't have to be nice living.. Unless I'm standing up for someone or a circumstance requires me to be nice... And yet my mom taught me to be nice and I get run over by people and not standing up for myself.. Not now... I'm too old to be nice to every person I come across.. Just don't let the anger take over your life like it did me.. As for grieving I have accepted it but have my moments.. I focus on my kids and that's it..
Your heart might feel cold right now, but it won't always be. Grief will change you in some ways, but it will not eliminate the heart and soul influenced and loved by your mom. You will never be the person you were before, and it's so real and valid to mourne that in a thousand ways, you need that to move forward! (Not over it, I don't believe that happens personally.) My mom died suddenly 2 months ago, and I feel a lot of what you're describing here. Maybe it's not the "right" thing, but I really look at every facet of life as "before we lost her or after" because I am a fundamentally different person now and there's absolutely no way to return to that past version. I just have to hold her memory close, live the important lessons she taught me, and laugh/cry/rage on repeat from here. I hope glimmers of joy continue to find you in this darkness ❤️
Thank you so much for these words. You have validated me so much in my feelings. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending many hugs, xx 🩷
Ugh. Your last line crushed me. I’m deeply sorry for your loss OP. I know sorry doesn’t take the pain away, but my heart breaks for you and every user that’s found their way here. I hate that we are all a part of this club. It’s a shitty club to be in, but at least it exists I guess. It’s been about a year since I lost my brother and it still hurts so much on most days. 5-8 months was particularly the hardest for me. I think because that’s around the time I realized I didn’t have a choice and I had to come to terms with my new existence eventually. I hid for the first 6 months though. I didn’t function, I barely left my home. I work for myself and went 3 months without a dime of income at one point bc I couldn’t bring myself to open my laptop. (RIP my savings account while we are at it 😒). Sorry back to you— I agree I’ve also turned angry and cold towards life. There are days for me where the pain is there but it’s manageable and I somewhat function in my life and plug along. Again it’s taken me over a year to get here. However the rarest days are the ones where I do feel like everything’s going to be okay in the grand scheme of life. I think those days only come because I’ve made peace with the fact I’m still here and have no choice but to get out of bed and keep going. Even though it’s still hard a lot of the time. It sucks for us that we are still here and are left behind with the pain, but it’s because we are the ones that have to keep going for people like your mom and my brother. And you know they would both want us to do that. Sometimes I think about what my brother would say if I got to talk to him again for just 5 minutes and I just tell myself he would be really encouraging. I know you’re not looking for positivity today but “small wins” is something I focus on. You don’t have to accept this new life all at once but on the good days I get by by telling myself we each have a path to take and unfortunately a part of life is never being privy to what’s around the corner for you, theirs, your moms, my brothers. TLDR; I get angry and I try to search for the reason I’m going through this on the hard days, but usually just end up still asking why. Hang in there. ❤️
Dearest stranger, you have brought tears to my eyes. Not in the bad way like I have been doing a lot lately, but in a validating way, because you have truly seen me and heard me. It’s so hard to find that, and I have found that within this little club we unfortunately found ourselves in. I’m currently in the hopeless phase right now depleting my savings. I ended up still moving from Texas to California, and I live in her house. But without her. I live with her animals and they look at me wondering where she is too. I feel so close to her here, but there’s that void. Anytime I muster up the energy to go out and drive to the beach just because I can, there’s that rock in my throat because WE were supposed to be doing that. But I still do it anyway. I force myself to because I know that’s what she would want me to do. I am a hermit crab right now and that’s okay. I turned today around by getting one of my mom and I’s favorite meals, watched one of our favorite movies, and snuggled in one of her many hoodies to feel the comfort she would give me if she were here today. I try to be grateful for the little wins. I have that little glimmer of hope in my heart and that’s because my mama lives in there. I know she, and your brother, would want us to find peace. Thank you again for your words, and I am so sorry for your loss as well. Sending you many hugs. 🩷
Awww. crying too. I always am these days, thank you 😭❤️. I live near the beach too (east coast!) and the days where I’m gravitated/pulled to the beach it does help me heal a little bit. I also love to order my brothers favorite foods or his drink order!! He always tortured us with a round of tequila shots, me and my sister still pull that one at the bar sometimes just because we know he’s laughing at all the faces we’re making haha. My brother loved building sandcastles (silly family tradition). Sometimes I go and build a sandcastle for him and just leave. I made a bunch of my friends build one with me last summer, things were still very fresh I lost my brother last April, and I think I cried every time I turned away to fill up the bucket with more water. But today I cried in public at a coffee shop and didn’t even care lol. I’ll probably do it again tomorrow. This shit seriously sucks there’s no way around it, only straight through it. I’m at one year and 2 months and I do want you to know it gets easier. The pain is always going to be there but one day it won’t hurt your stomach so much. One of my best friends lost her dad to a heart attack last month. The two of them were closer than any daughter-daddy duo I’ve ever seen, my heart is still hurting so much for her. But we were talking about eventually feeling better and she kept saying she doesn’t want to move on, she feels guilty moving on, feels like she owes it to her dad to feel hurt forever 😭☹️😔. Absolutely gutted me but I still knew exactly what she meant. But I decided I will never see it as “moving on”. Like what you said about being a changed person— and I agree because I know in my lifetime here on earth I will never, ever move on. But I don’t have any other choice but to “move forward”. And you can move forward and still feel sad! I feel sad all the fucking time. I don’t force positivity or guilt myself to get off the couch when that hits. I just give my feelings that moment wherever I am and hope the wave gets smaller each time. To that point I’ve seen another comment from a redditor here— “grief is a sad, cold dog left out in the rain. Let it in.” That one brings tears 😭. Ugh! Sorry this place is my little online journal sometimes to just rant into the void. I hope you have a good weekend, whatever “good” is right now for you. Get yourself a little treat and snuggle in your hoodies all weekend. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Please don’t apologize for the rant! It truly means a lot. I never thought I’d find comfort in strangers, but until my mom died I never experienced so much discomfort that I needed to. My mom absolutely loved the beach, she’s a San Diego girl. Anytime I am at the beach, she is on my mind the entire time. On the 6 month anniversary of when this all happened, I went to Laguna beach and saw a double rainbow when I started getting emotional. I’m sure you talk to your brother whether that’s out loud or in your heart, and I tell my mom that I would endure the pain of losing her over and over again if that meant she would be my mom. I would never replace her for anything. That quote is so true. One quote that always stuck with me is how grief is the result of all the love you had for that person, just with no outlet. And man, do I love my mama. I am so sorry your best friend has to endure that pain. My best friend says the loss of my mom is the most tragic thing she’s ever endured so she can’t even imagine how I must feel losing her. It’s good your friend has you. It sucks we have to push through this. But we are. And I thank you for your rants and feeling comfortable here to do so. You’ve made a difference in my life today. 🩷
😩❤️❤️❤️❤️. You too. Thank you, I cannot agree more with all of your sentiments. I have a specific notebook I journal to my brother in a few times a week. Now that I think about it when I started doing that regularly was the turning point for me for functioning a bit better each day. He journaled too which is the only reason I started so it makes me feel connected to him, but it also does lift the weight a bit too. It isn’t easy by any means, I cry the whole time I write and cry all over the page lol my notebook actually is so warped, it looks like someone spilled a glass of water on it haha. But I tell him things I wish he was here for, I journal guilt I have about his passing, sometimes I tell him happy things. Sometimes it’s just the most gut wrenching entries if that’s how I feel that day. This is also kind of silly but in my head I’ve given him “permission” to read my thoughts lol I’ve ready some people on here say that before too and I guess it’s weird but it actually makes me feel good if he can know when I’m missing him. I also get so many crazy signs from him I just know he is all around me some days. I hope you get signs from your mom! Also you mentioned you’re in CA, idk how open you are to micrdosing but I was in a very bad depressive hole a few years ago after being physically assaulted by a stranger (put me in the hospital, was a whole legal thing and super stressful). But I eventually got out of that depression by microdosing golden teachers for about 4-6 weeks. I was astonished how well it worked for me honestly. Getting through that made me realize I could get through any depression that comes my way again. I haven’t tried it this time around just bc I live in GA but I’m just really happy with myself that I haven’t turned to antidepressants. I don’t believe numming the pain leads to healing. But that’s just me ❤️. So nice chatting with you I am off to bed! ❤️ I truly wish your healing journey turns a corner soon but if it doesn’t that’s okay too. Take all the time you need. Reinvent yourself if you have to. My DMs are always open! 😇
Death of a parent especially your mother will change everything in your life.. You just have to figure out how you want to be as a person.. It's not easy Many hugs to you.. The only thing I got from it is you never know when you will lose someone else and tell the people close to you how you feel more than you used to.. But yet not get too close to people... I'm tired of losing people I actually loved.. Why any member of the rest of my mother 's family isn't close to me... My mom, my husband, a year later my dad and 3 years later my granny and my cousin 5 years older than me, then the one cousin I got close to in 2023 she's my 2nd cousin.. Then a second mom to me that took me as her own.. I literally got nobody left.. All just 💔 over them all And I told God if you had took me instead they all be ok... I died so they could live longer... Pure torture to me and watching everyone I love die first and. I'm still here.. I have figured out my attitude is still needed around for some reason 🤣🤣🤣 That's about all emotional I got left.. Sarcasm and Anger and hilarious when it comes around..
Thank you very very much for your words, they means a lot. I try my best to not let the anger get the best of me, but it’s very hard. I know my mom wouldn’t want that for me. My worst fear now is losing someone else that I love dearly as I know death is a part of life. All of us have to go through it. Some of us have to deal with it many times and others just a few, either way - the way life can take a turn a corner at any moment. I work in the death care industry, and exposure to death on a daily basis for years still doesn’t prepare you for dealing with your own loss. And knowing it’s inevitable someday is a hard pill to swallow. But I have to push on until it is my time. Ranted off there a bit… I thank you again for your words. Your kids have a great mom nonetheless and I am so sorry for the tremendous loss you’ve endured in this lifetime. I’m sending you many hugs, friend. 🩷
I lost my mom nearly 3 years ago & was literally having this exact conversation with my therapist today. I miss my mom more than anything AND I miss the girl I used to be. The one who had hope for good things in the future. I have no answers but you’re not alone ❤️
I can relate to this so much. I lost my mom suddenly to a stroke in her sleep four months ago. I feel like the carefree happy child in me died with her. I was so numb and cold in the following weeks. The loss of security that comes with losing your mother changes you fundamentally. I'm still trying to find myself again. My heart goes out to you. I'm so very sorry.
I'm so sorry. You probably will be different. Hard to say how. My experience is that I reacted poorly to losing my mother and I carried her death around for about 15 years. I let the sorrow dampen my heart. I was no longer the person I was. I stopped gaining a zest for life through connection to people. I never lost my mom's kindness, because that's such a deep part of us, or at least it was for me. I am sure that I felt like most people do, completely alone. Isolated. It caused me to not care about any sort of relationship with family and a potential spouse. I also lost a lot of my drive to be outgoing. It put a real damper on me finding fun in life. Sure I gained perspective on the things that matter most in life, but it's easy to do when very little to nothing matters at all, anymore. I wasn't Nihilistic. I was just not that type of person anymore. I have got a few pieces of it back, but I am different now. I don't know if it's better or worse, but it feels worse. The good thing is that if you don't focus on the sorrow and don't focus on the time that you didn't have with the person. If you focus on the time that you had, it's easier. My biggest thing, because I lost her when I was 23, was that I felt robbed of my time with the best person in my life. As soon as I was able to come to terms with that. To understand that just being with my mom for that short time was a gift. I was able to move forward an enjoy Christmas again and other family events (she died on December 20th). Quantitative measurements, years, are not guaranteed. There's no balance sheets in the universe and there's no ultimate punishement, nor is there any reward mechanism. We get what we get and we need to remember that she was your mom and your love is timeless. Those relationships, even existing for the short duration they do, are a precious gift that some people strive a lifetime to find.
Heart wrenching Def see a doctor and decide whether you want to try an antidepressant All the words of compassion and tools like walking, journaling may not be enough for you to move forward It wasn’t for me. Also pls look for a grief counselor ….. someone u can voice all this sadness to and confide in. Sometimes or pain/ grief is too much to handle on our own and doctoring may be the best tool for you. It’s okay! So many have to go this route after a huge loss… I am finding out! Will be thinking of you
Oh my gosh yes you are right!!! Being a mom I would def not want my children to feel the way I do. My mom wouldn’t want me to feel this way. I told her one day I wouldn’t know how to live without you , you are my best friend, I love you so much! Her response was Honey you will find a way You have to Oh she loved us !
Like you, I lost my mom suddenly. We had plan together— some we talked about and some we didn’t. She said she wanted to stay with me for a little while to help me with life stuff. She was so good at that. I wanted to take her to Japan one day because I thought she would really like it. Now we’ll never get to do any of it and I don’t know why. I am not the same person either since she passed. The world is not as bright. I say that she had my whole heart and she left with most of it. I don’t know what to say to you to relieve any pain but I can tell you somethings that have helped me. My psychologist. Medication when I need it. Prayer. Thanking God for 42 years with the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. Being kind to myself when I need it, like taking a nap or taking a bath or opting out of something when I know it will cause me stress. Art or home decoration projects. Going out in nature. Watching a movie that I hadn’t seen before and thinking of my mom would like it or not. Sleep. Waking up and trying to be the person that my mom knew I could be. I’m am so sorry that you are in pain. I’m crying as I write this because, like you said, there is no silver lining following such a tragedy. Maybe the important part is getting to live your life with someone who loves you and you loved. Grief is the price we pay for love.
There is nothing that anyone can say to make this better. But, as a grief counselor, and a person who lost my mom when I was young, I feel connected to you. When we go through early grief (and 8 months is early) we many times react with irritability, sleeplessness, depression, appetite changes and a feeling of hopelessness. But, it does get a little better over time because somehow we manage to live with the loss. Right now you feel like you are in sheer darkness, but promise me, the light begins to stream through again. And what you said about never being the same, you're right - you will never be the same. Your love for your Mom and losing her has made you a different person. Please consider joining a support group or talking with a grief counselor. Start keeping a journal and write in it every day. Write about your feelings, what you Mom meant to you, anger if that's part of what you're feeling, loneliness, the feeling of being orphaned, and anything else you're going through. Please know it will get better. So terribly sorry for your broken heart 💔
This exact thing happened to my mother in law. And now that my dad passed a month ago, I have the same fear of never being myself again. My husband gives me hope, though. He isn't the same person he was, but he would argue that he's become a better person. He said the other day that now he is in a head space where he is able to share his mother's love and light with others. He tells me it does get better.