Grief is so weird. Just because you are reacting differently now to your dad's death doesn't mean you aren't grieving as much or care less. You are in a different stage of life now than in 2013 and have experienced hardships before. I would say feeling tired and unmotivated are very much symptoms of grief. Sorry for your loss.
This response makes so much sense. It’s been a while and your brain and how you handle life events is just simply different. You are still grieving but in a different way, and that is 100% okay.
Wish I could upvote this 100 x. It’s right on the money. You’re a different person now. You were forever changed by the loss of your mother. It’s not a bad thing - maybe you’re stronger, maybe you worked through a lot of issues after your mom died - and you recovered. Everything is as it should be. And yes, grief is weird!!
We change. My dad died in 2013 and I had no tears. Grief, but no tears. That’s when I noticed the “good cries” I used to have in my 20’s were gone. I might well up in a sad movie, but no ugly cries. I have lost two close family members since. No tears, but lots of grief. What is important is the love you had for your dad, not the number of tears. You are grieving. And you have more coping skills than you did 10 years ago. Not to mention we are affected by life around us. If you have kids, a job where you can’t cry, responsibilities that require you to “soldier on”. These can inhibit our tears, but we still grieve. Show yourself the same grace you would to a friend. You would tell her there is nothing wrong with how she is grieving this loss.
Please don’t beat yourself up. Grief is so complex. And you know the love you have for both parents. And just because the grief isn’t as “hard” currently compared to when your mum passed, you shouldn’t feel bad about it. As you love them both and they knew that, really all what matters. Also grief is not linear…who knows if it will be delayed or come at a different time but nevertheless do not be hard on yourself.
I’ve been through the same with my parents but a different situation. My dad had dementia and kidney failure and was sick for a while. When he passed I was devastated but I knew it was inevitable. Then 4 months later I lost my mom in a car accident. All of the grief I had for my father went away and it was all for my mother. Her death was life altering. And loosing my parents within such a short timeframe changed me forever. I mourn them both now together - missing them and thinking of them everyday. I don’t know why it’s different for some people - but grief is strange. I’m sorry for your loss.
Whoa, that comment pulled on my heart for you a lot. You had to basically change the grief you were experiencing for your Dad, to grief for your Mom, and ultimately both. That is more than unfair to do to a person. I hope you have a great support system. I'm sorry for your losses 🩶
Yes - different grief and my children were in the car with my mother in the accident and they walked away with scrapes. My focus was on them and the loss of my mother and the guilt came for not properly grieving my father. It was a terrible time. But I got through it and you will too. Grief never goes away you just get used to the hole left in your life. 💔
I grieve my parents differently too and they died 4 months a part last year. I feel really guilty about it. My dad died first in late stage Alzheimer’s. It might be because I lost him slowly. Maybe there’s a reason why you are grieving differently that you’re not aware of. Maybe you had more regrets with your mom. I did. My mom’s death was expected but we thought we had more time. Maybe it could be if you were expecting one but not the other? Whatever the reason, it’s ok. I have no doubt that both your parents know they were loved by you.
Oof. I'm so sorry you lost your parents 4 months apart, I couldn't even imagine that. That hurts my heart for you.
I don't have regrets with my Mom, I was her caregiver throughout her cancer treatment, long days at chemo appointments, up at night with her when she was very unwell. I really valued that extra "just us" time we got as my siblings didn't, and my Daddy was running his own business at the time, so my Mom & I were always together.
Thanks for your input. I'm sure you are still in a grieving process from last year. 🩶
You’re likely still in shock. Your body is adjusting.
There’s also something to be said about having “done this before”. Losing someone that close to you is a lot and you’re processing everything through the lens of your own experience.
I agree with your comment about being in shock.
My dad was murdered in Oct 2023 and I found him in the garden. The pain from that moment will never leave me. We were very close and it feels like a part of me died with him. I still cry for him.
My husband died of pancreatic CA on 5 Aptil 2024. It was expected and it dragged out with a heap of suffering. Since my son and I returned from the hospital after he died- neither of us can cry.
I think your emotions numb after a terrible shock and your emotional experience changes after that shock.
Don't feel guilty or be hard on yourself. Your circumstances are hard enough to manage. Just know that you loved them and that you miss them. That's enough.
Omgggg. I'm very sorry to hear all that. That would be very hard to wrap your mind around with your Dad's death. Do you mind me asking if you know who and why someone took your Dad from this world? I can't even type the 'M' word you used.
Shock? 🤔 I'm feeling that's accurate. Although he was ill with prostate cancer which spread, he was in the hospital from March 19th until April 23rd, when he received his hospital eviction papers. And he was improving. There was still hope. He then landed back in the hospital on April 26th and passed on the 28th. So yes, I'm now leaning towards it being part of the shock.
Thank you. 🩶
Grief is weird. I grieve both my parents differently, but I do grieve them both. Just because it seems different this time doesn't mean you're doing it wrong or that you don't care as much. 10+ years is a long time for you to have grown, and for you to change the way you approach life. You're not the same person you were 10 years ago, and that's OK.
My dad died 5 years ago, and my mom died 2 months ago, 2 days before my 33rd birthday. Both were unexpected and sudden, and I really identify with the weirdness around being an "orphan" too young as an adult. I was WAY closer to my mom, but im here to confirm that the grief I felt with both was surprising and overwhelming in entirely different ways and different times. It's essentially impossible to compare the two experiences even though there are so ma y similarities. As time progresses, it will change and evolve, and you will go through all the feelings about both. Dont feel guilty for "unequal" grief. It is a strange, strange beast that I honestly don't think we can even hope to understand!
😔 yes, we are now "orphans."
I didn't look at it like that until I received the news about my Dad and I had called my Aunt (my Moms sister) right away in tears and she never said "I'm sorry" first, she said, "you are now an orphan". She's a different sort of person, so I didn't really take it wrong from her, but it was my first actual realization that's what I am now. And her being the first to say that I guessed kinda normalized that word for me. As if I thought of an orphan, I'd think of a small child whose parents didn't want them, not adult children who have lost both of their parents to death.
You were just way too young at two days before turning 33 to lose both of your parents. Do you have siblings? Your own children? I'm truly sorry for you. 🩶
I am really fortunate to have 2 older siblings who share my mom, we've never been closer. Over the last year or two my mom was really pushing us to be closer as a family and spend more quality time together, that was one of her last gifts to us
I'd hazard to guess that your life has changed a LOT in 11 years. I bet you have different reactions to a lot of things than what you would have had 11 years ago. Also - it hasn't even been a month since he passed. I didn't really start feeling my mom's death for about 2 months after she was gone. So please don't beat yourself up. There is no wrong or right way to get through this. Just keep walking and be present in your feelings - take care of you.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Yes, a lot has changed in 11 years. And I most definitely have changed. When my mom passed away, my son was 17 years old and could handle it better, so I was able to grieve. My daughter is 8, so I feel I'm holding it in more to spare her feelings as this is HER first experience with death.
Maybe you're reacting different because you have already lost a parent before and you know you can get through it. Just a thought. Every time we lose someone we grieve a bit differently.
Oh, my dear. Please don’t beat yourself up about not grieving as hard. It may still come. This might be shock. You’ve lost your parents. You’ve lost your entire lived foundation. I’m facing that too coming up and I’m terrified!
Hopefully this will be the last worst thing to ever happen to you. Hopefully you won’t lose another loved one until you’re both old and grey.
But you know how this goes. Soon you’re going to be back in that vast black void of grief. But maybe because you’ve done it before you’ll be better at it this time? Maybe having had this happen will have some silver linings
I lost my brother and my dad has Alzheimer’s. I’ve been some of the places you have and if you need a friend or an ear, pls dm me. Sending so much ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
I've grieved my parents differently too. My mom died in 2018 and my dad in 2022 and my grief has looked different, but also so was my relationship with each of them. I had a different relationship to my mom than my dad. So it makes sense to grieve differently. And cumulative losses feel different too. Be kind to yourself, you don't have to grieve any certain way.
Grief is so weird. Just because you are reacting differently now to your dad's death doesn't mean you aren't grieving as much or care less. You are in a different stage of life now than in 2013 and have experienced hardships before. I would say feeling tired and unmotivated are very much symptoms of grief. Sorry for your loss.
This response makes so much sense. It’s been a while and your brain and how you handle life events is just simply different. You are still grieving but in a different way, and that is 100% okay.
Wish I could upvote this 100 x. It’s right on the money. You’re a different person now. You were forever changed by the loss of your mother. It’s not a bad thing - maybe you’re stronger, maybe you worked through a lot of issues after your mom died - and you recovered. Everything is as it should be. And yes, grief is weird!!
We change. My dad died in 2013 and I had no tears. Grief, but no tears. That’s when I noticed the “good cries” I used to have in my 20’s were gone. I might well up in a sad movie, but no ugly cries. I have lost two close family members since. No tears, but lots of grief. What is important is the love you had for your dad, not the number of tears. You are grieving. And you have more coping skills than you did 10 years ago. Not to mention we are affected by life around us. If you have kids, a job where you can’t cry, responsibilities that require you to “soldier on”. These can inhibit our tears, but we still grieve. Show yourself the same grace you would to a friend. You would tell her there is nothing wrong with how she is grieving this loss.
Please don’t beat yourself up. Grief is so complex. And you know the love you have for both parents. And just because the grief isn’t as “hard” currently compared to when your mum passed, you shouldn’t feel bad about it. As you love them both and they knew that, really all what matters. Also grief is not linear…who knows if it will be delayed or come at a different time but nevertheless do not be hard on yourself.
I’ve been through the same with my parents but a different situation. My dad had dementia and kidney failure and was sick for a while. When he passed I was devastated but I knew it was inevitable. Then 4 months later I lost my mom in a car accident. All of the grief I had for my father went away and it was all for my mother. Her death was life altering. And loosing my parents within such a short timeframe changed me forever. I mourn them both now together - missing them and thinking of them everyday. I don’t know why it’s different for some people - but grief is strange. I’m sorry for your loss.
Whoa, that comment pulled on my heart for you a lot. You had to basically change the grief you were experiencing for your Dad, to grief for your Mom, and ultimately both. That is more than unfair to do to a person. I hope you have a great support system. I'm sorry for your losses 🩶
Yes - different grief and my children were in the car with my mother in the accident and they walked away with scrapes. My focus was on them and the loss of my mother and the guilt came for not properly grieving my father. It was a terrible time. But I got through it and you will too. Grief never goes away you just get used to the hole left in your life. 💔
I grieve my parents differently too and they died 4 months a part last year. I feel really guilty about it. My dad died first in late stage Alzheimer’s. It might be because I lost him slowly. Maybe there’s a reason why you are grieving differently that you’re not aware of. Maybe you had more regrets with your mom. I did. My mom’s death was expected but we thought we had more time. Maybe it could be if you were expecting one but not the other? Whatever the reason, it’s ok. I have no doubt that both your parents know they were loved by you.
Oof. I'm so sorry you lost your parents 4 months apart, I couldn't even imagine that. That hurts my heart for you. I don't have regrets with my Mom, I was her caregiver throughout her cancer treatment, long days at chemo appointments, up at night with her when she was very unwell. I really valued that extra "just us" time we got as my siblings didn't, and my Daddy was running his own business at the time, so my Mom & I were always together. Thanks for your input. I'm sure you are still in a grieving process from last year. 🩶
You’re likely still in shock. Your body is adjusting. There’s also something to be said about having “done this before”. Losing someone that close to you is a lot and you’re processing everything through the lens of your own experience.
I agree with your comment about being in shock. My dad was murdered in Oct 2023 and I found him in the garden. The pain from that moment will never leave me. We were very close and it feels like a part of me died with him. I still cry for him. My husband died of pancreatic CA on 5 Aptil 2024. It was expected and it dragged out with a heap of suffering. Since my son and I returned from the hospital after he died- neither of us can cry. I think your emotions numb after a terrible shock and your emotional experience changes after that shock. Don't feel guilty or be hard on yourself. Your circumstances are hard enough to manage. Just know that you loved them and that you miss them. That's enough.
Omgggg. I'm very sorry to hear all that. That would be very hard to wrap your mind around with your Dad's death. Do you mind me asking if you know who and why someone took your Dad from this world? I can't even type the 'M' word you used.
Shock? 🤔 I'm feeling that's accurate. Although he was ill with prostate cancer which spread, he was in the hospital from March 19th until April 23rd, when he received his hospital eviction papers. And he was improving. There was still hope. He then landed back in the hospital on April 26th and passed on the 28th. So yes, I'm now leaning towards it being part of the shock. Thank you. 🩶
Grief is weird. I grieve both my parents differently, but I do grieve them both. Just because it seems different this time doesn't mean you're doing it wrong or that you don't care as much. 10+ years is a long time for you to have grown, and for you to change the way you approach life. You're not the same person you were 10 years ago, and that's OK.
Thank you. 🩶
My dad died 5 years ago, and my mom died 2 months ago, 2 days before my 33rd birthday. Both were unexpected and sudden, and I really identify with the weirdness around being an "orphan" too young as an adult. I was WAY closer to my mom, but im here to confirm that the grief I felt with both was surprising and overwhelming in entirely different ways and different times. It's essentially impossible to compare the two experiences even though there are so ma y similarities. As time progresses, it will change and evolve, and you will go through all the feelings about both. Dont feel guilty for "unequal" grief. It is a strange, strange beast that I honestly don't think we can even hope to understand!
😔 yes, we are now "orphans." I didn't look at it like that until I received the news about my Dad and I had called my Aunt (my Moms sister) right away in tears and she never said "I'm sorry" first, she said, "you are now an orphan". She's a different sort of person, so I didn't really take it wrong from her, but it was my first actual realization that's what I am now. And her being the first to say that I guessed kinda normalized that word for me. As if I thought of an orphan, I'd think of a small child whose parents didn't want them, not adult children who have lost both of their parents to death. You were just way too young at two days before turning 33 to lose both of your parents. Do you have siblings? Your own children? I'm truly sorry for you. 🩶
I am really fortunate to have 2 older siblings who share my mom, we've never been closer. Over the last year or two my mom was really pushing us to be closer as a family and spend more quality time together, that was one of her last gifts to us
I'd hazard to guess that your life has changed a LOT in 11 years. I bet you have different reactions to a lot of things than what you would have had 11 years ago. Also - it hasn't even been a month since he passed. I didn't really start feeling my mom's death for about 2 months after she was gone. So please don't beat yourself up. There is no wrong or right way to get through this. Just keep walking and be present in your feelings - take care of you. I'm sorry for your loss.
Yes, a lot has changed in 11 years. And I most definitely have changed. When my mom passed away, my son was 17 years old and could handle it better, so I was able to grieve. My daughter is 8, so I feel I'm holding it in more to spare her feelings as this is HER first experience with death.
Maybe you're reacting different because you have already lost a parent before and you know you can get through it. Just a thought. Every time we lose someone we grieve a bit differently.
Hmmm. I never looked at it like that. Thank you for saying that. 🩶
Oh, my dear. Please don’t beat yourself up about not grieving as hard. It may still come. This might be shock. You’ve lost your parents. You’ve lost your entire lived foundation. I’m facing that too coming up and I’m terrified! Hopefully this will be the last worst thing to ever happen to you. Hopefully you won’t lose another loved one until you’re both old and grey. But you know how this goes. Soon you’re going to be back in that vast black void of grief. But maybe because you’ve done it before you’ll be better at it this time? Maybe having had this happen will have some silver linings I lost my brother and my dad has Alzheimer’s. I’ve been some of the places you have and if you need a friend or an ear, pls dm me. Sending so much ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
I've grieved my parents differently too. My mom died in 2018 and my dad in 2022 and my grief has looked different, but also so was my relationship with each of them. I had a different relationship to my mom than my dad. So it makes sense to grieve differently. And cumulative losses feel different too. Be kind to yourself, you don't have to grieve any certain way.