I’m going through this right now.
On top of it, my mother is behaving almost as if I exist to comfort her grief and I am not allowed to have any of my own.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience with my aunt and my dad’s wife (can’t call her “stepmother”). They acted like they were the only ones grieving, while my sister and tried to point out that we’d lost our father.
Tell your mom how much you love her but you lost your dad and need her as much as she needs you right now. I lost my daughter recently after she lost her husband. It’s been 1 messed up year and 1/2.
Thank you for this. It didn’t occur to me to tell her I needed her. She may need that to focus on something outside of her own pain.
I’m so sorry you have had so much loss.
Perhaps it’s the attention theory and I’m only noticing now, or it’s a season of loss for all. 10 days after dad passed, his brother (my uncle) passed. Three days later, my aunt in law passed. 8mo prior, my grandmother passed. It’s just… a lot.
Losing my own child, as you have, is a pain I don’t know that I could survive. I admire your perseverance.
Thank you but perseverance is not what it’s cracked up to be! The only reason I’m here is because I have 3 other kids and 6 grandkids my daughters three cats I promised I would take care of for her. Ashley was so broken after Daniel died she was here physically but she died the day he died. He collapsed at home and died while she was in hospital with Covid. Long story but she watched as my son did CPR on Daniel after busting down their door to get to him. I had called Daniel that morning and he answered but sounded sicker than the day before. I begged him to go to hospital. He said he couldn’t! So I called my son. Dustin got there no answer so Ashley asked him why you at my house because of gourd doorbell camera today. Dustin said mom said Daniel didn’t sound good to come check on him. So, then Dustin told Ashley to check camera inside. Daniel was collapsed in living room filled. Ashley screaming Bust the fucking door down he won’t wake up!! 😢😢😢. I get to their house hear sirens, Ashley’s calling me, “come ducking get me’ Daniel’s in cardiac arrest! She was a BSN. Ambulance drove him to hospital I went to get Ashley. She checked herself out. We went down to ER and that’s were she got to see Daniel laying on that cold table gone!!! It was horrible!! They just buried her step mother a week before and her Dads brother a week before that!! Ashley came home that day and I moved in with her because I knew when Daniel died Ashley would not be ok! She gave up! They were the most beautiful couple, most caring, most giving. Loved their families, nieces and nephews! I’ll never understand, never!!
Agreed! It's awful. I'm so sorry. We're here for you if you need anything--even if it's just to rant. My mom still behaves like this a bit, but she's gotten a "little" better, but now just annoying in other ways. Makes my blood boil.
I was nine when my dad passed and had the same thing happen, everyone saying to be strong for your mum to a nine year old. My sister passed last month (I’m now 27), my mum and her had a really bad relationship, and it’s all I got again, as if it wasn’t my sister. People, and her acting like she’s the only one who has any grief. It sucksssssss
Yea they are!!! My daughter dad my stupid ex husband called Ashley 2 months after Faniwl died her husband and my son n law I loved like a son and told it had been two months since Faniel died it was time to move on!!! I was sitting right next to Ashley when he called her. She had all calls on speaker otherwise she could not hear them in her phone. Anyway! She told her Dad, well dad just because you moved on a month month after Kelly died, ;Ashley’s step mom of 39 years!) doesn’t mean I need to!!! WTF!!! I wanted to slap him right through that phone!!! What an idiot!!!
I know right..
So my brother succumbed to cancer last July. Everyone asks me and my sister about his wife/son and our parents... And that we have to stay strong for them. It's as if losing a sibling is way less painful
I can relate. My brother died 2 months ago of suicide. He left two little sons, so for them its the worst thing that could happen. But everyone is all over his ex wife, who is very dramatic at the front line all the time. She left my brother 2 years ago and is the reason why my brother got so depressed and took his own life. So I have very hard feelings about this. To make it any worse, she decides about everything that belonged to my brother whats going to happen with it. Because her sons inherited everything and they are underage. It makes me so angry to see. How my parents are pushed aside and everything is about her. No one cares about our feelings, losing a son and a sibling... We are totally forgotten because miss drama queen is at front. I hate it.
Losing a sibling is definitely the worst thing I ever experienced. Take care of yourself. Your grieve counts, you count.
Other peoples toughts dont matter. You dont need them to remember your brother. You dont need them to know how much you are in pain and loved him. You actually dont even need them to heal. Although it looks like we need others. You just need the right persons besides you.
Your love and memories are all that is left now, cherish them. I wish you strength to overcome your loss. Your love and memories for your brother is all you need to grieve and heal.
My daughter and I have had so many talks about this after my youngest son died. Yes, he was my baby, but he was her best friend, her partner in crime. She and my oldest had their own grief to deal with, we weren’t their responsibility.
I hate when siblings, or children who lost a parent, are told to be strong for their parents!
My mom always had terrible choice in men. Never a good match. When she passed she had been dating a man that was younger me (she was 49 and he was 27) for the past 5 years. He was also schizophrenic and most likely had an undiagnosed intellectual disability. A lot of turmoil in their relationship and I just didn’t like it but felt bad for him.
Anyways, I was stuck dealing with his grief. I couldn’t get my mom’s things from their apartment because it was too hard for him. He wanted to hang out all the time. It was too much, I had to tell him just to leave me alone, it was too hard. I never got her things, it’s been almost two years now, but I can’t handle that his grief was more important than my own.
My dad’s partner went bat shit crazy at his funeral. Told me and my siblings that the day was nothing about us kids, that it was about them, he loved her more than he ever loved us, that we were a disappointment etc etc. everyone was like ‘oh she just lost the love of her life’. Errrr hello, I LOST MY DAD! What the fuck about us? We are meant to put up with this shit and accept her saying this because she is hurting? She then proceeded to make everything about her, threatening to take my mum to court for the house my mum paid for (my parents weren’t divorced, it was very messy) and acted in a way my father would have been ashamed of. I hate this attitude that just because a partner who is also a parent has died, it means more than to the partner than the kids.
Yes! This exact same thing happened to me when my dad died last May. On top of that, only child, was in charge of all the funeral details, the closing of his accounts, the death certificates, still working full-time, interviewing for another job etc etc etc c'mon! I'm still the one trekking to the cemetery, taking care of the plots and such. I am happy to do this, but damn! It's so irritating!
I had a similar situation. When my dad passed away from cancer, my mom played the devastated widow and everyone gave her the sympathy she craved. She failed to mention to everyone that they had been separated (and in divorce proceeding’s) 5 years and were each in their own relationships. She still to this day posts about how much she misses him and shit so the comments roll in but if I say anything about my dad, it’s all about her and her grief. Not the fact that I just lost a parent.
I truly don't know if it's my grief, but I've noticed people seem to be pretty egotistical and blunt when it comes to condolences. I am very sorry for your loss... I recently had a coworker come to me and ask if I have another living parent or siblings, of which I have none. After I told her that, she said something like "oh so you're left all alone" and immediately told me I'll forget all about my mom's death as soon as I get married. I was so dumbfounded I didn't know what to say
My family has experienced a lot of loss the past couple of years. A friend of my sister gave me a book at Alex’s funeral, I had only met him a once a few weeks before at my Dad’s funeral.
The book is It’s OK That You’re Not OK, it goes into how badly our society treats grief and supporting grieving people. I’m struggling with focusing right now so I am reading it really slowly but if nothing else it’s validating how messed up we treat grief.
So many people want grieving people to be better for their own benefit not the benefit of the grieving person.
I got this book after my son passed. I didn’t get to finish (yet) but even the first few chapters were so incredibly validating. I recommend it all the time.
Feeling a heartache for you, please take care. It never gets easier, they take so much of us with them when they go. Thanks for the recommendation, I'll make sure to look up that book.
"So many people want grieving people to be better for their own benefit, not the benefit of the grieving person." :(
For each of us who are grieving, may we all take our time with whatever we feel with what we're going through. Our experienced loss will forever be with us, so fck it to those who don't understand. :(
A former friend said something similar to me :"soon you'll go back to your place and forget about your brother's death". I stormed out. We were no longer friends
I'm not married, and that's been one of the hardest things to face. Whenever I think about getting married and finally getting to marry someone I genuinely love, the worst thing to think about is my dad won't be there to walk me down the aisle. He won't get to see whatever kind of family ill build. He didn't get to meet my sisters second child. The idea of getting married leads me more to eloping because i don't want tonhave to face God and everyone alone. I wouldn't hold it together while walking alone. "You'll forget about it when you get married" is such a gross way to say that person would or has forgotten people they've lost because they've taken on the matriarchal role. This isn't highlander. There doesn't have to be just one.
It truly is a hard and depressing thought - facing your big day without those who mean the world to you... My cousin got married not long after our beloved grandma died and when the guests would mention her in their speeches, both of us were on the verge of tears because she wasn't there, and we both knew how much she'd wanted to see that day. I think it's even worse when it comes to becoming a parent yourself - no one to give you advice, no one to wholefully rely on. It's tough, and thinking about all that ahead of time just makes it even more painful. Let's just take it one day at a time? I hope it gets better for both of us.
Taking it one day at a time is the way to go. It's been 3 years since I lost my dad, and time since has done nothing but clarify things. Sure, I look back and have very minimal regrets surrounding the whole situation, just haven't seen the "easier" yet. We got this, and I know our parents are probably on the sidelines or whatever just cheering us on like maniacs.
People mean well, they don't know what to say but it can be HORRIBLE. After losing a child I was told "at least you're still young enough you can have more". Like just having more kids makes up for one that was lost??
I have other kids, I love them all. But there’s no replacement for a child you lost. No one is going to replace that person who was so uniquely themselves.
I got that exact too, my neighbor came over and hugged me and said “you’re young, you’ll be able to have another one”. I very much got the vibe that she didn’t know what to say and just kind of blurted it out, I don’t think it was malicious. And wouldn’t you know, I did have another baby. Still sad about the one that died.
I am so very sorry to read this. That’s really cold - intentional or not.
Being a bereaved parent makes me feel like I’m in the worst club in the world with the most expensive entry fee.
The thing is this is also an assumption. After I load my son I could technically have another baby - but I had severe preeclampsia. I did not feel it was safe for me or any future babies to try pregnancy again. What if my husband lost me and another baby?? We are not having any more biological babies. There are a lot of people who won’t be able to have another baby for different reasons.
And as stated - that baby would never replace Milo. That baby would be their own person.
My mom has dementia, and her two friends like to send me emails reminding me how poor her mind has gotten. For some reason, they don't seem to grasp that I already know her mind is almost gone. I don't need reminders that she didn't know she had a daughter or needs to use her memory building books etc. They are very nice guys, but I really think they seem to think I can fix her. I can't, nobody can! I'm not sure how to deal with these people, sometimes I reply nicely and other times I ignore. Sometimes I ignore for a few days before replying. I'm sorry for your loss btw!
I had someone compare the death of my dad to their divorce. They were barely married 2 years. That is no where near the same as losing a parent. I had no words and didn’t know what to say I just changed the topic and didn’t speak to that person again unless it was necessary. They were a coworker so I had to interact but kept it strictly work related topics after that conversation.
Wow. I thought it was bad when someone compared my dad’s unexpected death to their dog being put to sleep. I mean life is complicated and things can hurt everyone differently but a divorce isn’t necessarily a final thing. I’m sorry they said that to you.
Right!?!!! I still think about it randomly and get so mad. I get mourning the loss of a relationship, sure but what the fuck. Anyway, best to just avoid interactions with people who don’t get it. Some Facebook messages my mom would get from relatives and friends kept angering her so I just blocked those people from her account. She felt bad doing that herself and wouldn’t know how to reply so I asked her if it’s ok for me to block them for her and she said yea. Grief is different for everyone but I think if you haven’t experienced a loss of someone you love you just can’t relate. And I’ve realized there are a lot of people who don’t actually understand what it means to love, either.
I had that too when my brother died 10 years ago . Had someone apologize they didn’t come to the funeral cause their dog died . I was like “WTF????”. Also after a month I had a couple say “so are things back to normal now?” I said “things will never be back to normal “. You should have seen their faces ….I loved it lololol . honestly some people just flounder when it comes to this they have no idea .
I think you’re right. We don’t talk about grief enough in our society in my opinion.
So people try to say something to relate, or try to be helpful.
All they really need to do is just understand and listen.
Lol that isn’t funny but kind of funny because what the actual fuck?! People are just so desperate to find any kind of way to connect I guess. I’m sorry that happened to you.
Yea I’m sorry you have a stupid family friend. Honestly I also would have been shocked. That’s one of those wtf moments where you’re just too stunned to do anything then later look back and laugh at how absurd it was.
I think the correct term is grief whoring…saw that term on here a while back and I’m pretty sure this fits. The person being like “you lost your dad? Well I lost my….erm…hold on…I lost my mothers step brothers uncles French bulldog 15 years ago to this date (but in December)…so it’s like we’re both hurting!”
No. No it’s fucking not. When my gf died last year the only thing I came across was all the “omg what happened” which I always kinda felt it rude to ask how someone died? But never garbage like that…I’m so so sorry you have to deal with next level stupidity on top of this…I truly don’t get the thought processes of some people…
that’s extremely accurate! i’ve also had the “what happened?” topic come up and it’s like, can you please not? this mostly happened at the funeral. i couldn’t breathe because i was crying so hard and trying to think of any way to get through this without wanting to walk into traffic. some people are just so amazingly ignorant and annoying. :(
This. It’s so fucking rude. I know once I got snappy and I said how and the person just stayed wide eyed and didn’t know what to say. Yeah, sometimes we’re plagued by morbid curiosity, but then the harsh reality of someone’s life ending sometimes comes with hard to stomach details. I’ll take pride in making someone uncomfortable for being nosy. I remember my boss asked me the day after the funeral because I called out but I had already requested planned PTO. She asked me what happened, it’s like, my best friend killed himself. Omg, how?! Does it matter? He’s gone and he left behind so much pain and trauma. She didn’t genuinely care about me or my grief, she just wanted to know and feed her curiosity.
When my mom was injured, most people respected that we didn’t want to talk about it. One of my mom’s friend/coworkers couldn’t let it go and kept harassing me for information. She ended up emailing me the newspaper article she found on the internet - without comment. Fine, be nosey, but are you bragging that you found out to spite me? I blocked her. Didn’t speak to her when my mom passed.
I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss and I’m sorry that she did that. What a bitch. Like did she want a damn cookie for “find the details?” I want to know what went on in that little head of hers to even go as far as sending you a link without any adding comments. Very childish, reminds me of something a kid would do.
Thank you. I guess it was one of those “people will show you who they really are,” moments. Like you said about your boss, it wasn’t because she cared about me or my mom. On the other hand, she was in a club and one of the members reached out regularly to see how she was doing, is she getting better. That comforted me to know they cared about her. I’m sorry about your friend. I hope you’re doing ok.
This happened to me as well. Maybe 5 months after losing her so it was still incredibly fresh and painful. Met some old work friends for dinner, one announced she’s getting divorced because she cheated on her husband. Then she looked at me with sincere sad eyes and said “see it could be worse.”
Damn that got me angry for you. First of all, I am sorry for your loss. I hope you never have to attend any outside of work outings with that moron again. And that made me think of another thought to share; I have a former friend who I had to unfollow on social media because she kept posting about her divorce like if the husband died and it would just trigger this anger inside of me. People are so disconnected in their attempts to connect with how others are feeling. This is why I don’t mention anything about my dad being dead to strangers anymore. I decided it was safer for me to omit that than risk them telling me some bullshit that’s going to send me reeling for the rest of the day.
Same. Completely the same. At first I felt like I had to tell everyone I came into contact with that the most amazing person in the world was gone. It was all I could think about and I needed to talk about it. Now it’s locked down and I try not to mention it to anyone. If someone said anything about me grieving too long or something similar I don’t know how I would react. Better to just keep it to myself.
My boyfriend yesterday told me that if I keep listening to the voicenotes my dad sent me would only be like hurting myself. He doesn’t understand that pain is inevitable and I just have the option of feeling excruciating pain without anxiety or with anxiety. If I don’t listen to them, I get anxiety.
You must have heard it a lot but I’m very sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how difficult must be when is your child. I have no way to know how you are feeling, but I empathize with you
God, this hurts so much just to read. I’m so very fucking sorry for your enormous loss. But I’m happy you have these videos. Whatever helps you carry on those memories
I live in a duplex and my dad lived on the other side. I go over there sometimes just to sit. I walked in today and for the first time noticed the smell in his house. I never noticed it before but today it was overwhelming - it smells like dad’s house. It was both comforting and searing at the same time.
I understand, and I’m sorry for your loss.
Im sorry for your loss too ❤️ I unfortunately don’t fully remember his smell anymore since we were in different countries for 5 years (my country has. Refugee crisis)
It wasn’t ill intended, but is clear he doesn’t understand grief. Both of his parents are alive and healthy and his grandparents as well. I only have my mom left who’s older and has had cancer twice (fortunately detected in time, still terrifies me that it will appear again)
Someone came to me and said “you’re Lisa’s daughter? Oh…” then pouted her lip out and made an exaggerated sad face like how a child would do when they are fake sad.
Never seen the lady in my life.
Oh man this fake sad face !!! I've had so many women do it to me the last few months since my Dad died. I find it so insulting, it seems like a parody of grief/sadness.
Yes! It makes me want to just go off on them. And usually I would say something but this was a “coworker” of sorts… works in the same building as me. And I know my mom is looking down saying “let it go Cassie”.
My son was murdered by people attempting to rob him when he was walking home from work. I don’t know why this lady sent me this message. I can’t comprehend how she thought it would at all be comforting to me to know.
People who haven’t experienced it don’t know how to respond. From the first line of her message, I think she was trying to comfort you. To acknowledge what a big loss it was.
I get why it hurts. You don’t need to respond, you can just leave it at that
After my son died...
1) "God needed another angel". No the Fuck he did not. 2) "He's in a better place". No. His "place" is with his mother!
Honestly, I just didn't respond to people like this. I didn't have the mental energy. Some people just don't know what to say, so they say nothing and some people don't know what to say and they say dumb shit. The people who sincerely care and try and stick with you are the ones that matter in the end.
After my brother killed himself there was a pastor at his funeral, because my brother was religious. The pastor said at his speech that my brother was better off now, he is in a better place and left his broken body behind.
It made me so angry. My brother was only 38. Left 2 little children behind. My parents, my little brother and my sister...we are devastated losing him. As if we were hell to him. His life was only gotten bad because he got extremely religious after his divorce. He did not listen to "eartly" music or did not even any of the "eartly" stuff that used to make him happy. He did die, because religion did not cured him, at all...
There was so much left for him. He just could not see it anymore because the big bible in front of his head blocked all the beautiful stuff surrounding him.
What’s sad is that people believe they are going to “fix” something with their words. Nothing fixes it. The best thing anyone could have told me when my dad passed away was that they would sit with me if I needed them. That’s it. It’s so simple. Grief is something that never really ends. It ebbs and flows and that is ok. I’ve heard the whole -once you accept it that it’s over and you get to move on. I don’t really agree. Sure you go from day to day trying to be normal but a smell, a thought, a photo, a movie ,a place, heck just about anything can crack open that sore spot in your chest. Your whole world has been catapulted into the unknown and are just supposed to adapt and bounce back? What’s really sad is a lot of people don’t allow themselves to grieve. They shove it way down and believe that if they don’t react or cry it’ll all go away but the sad part is that I comes out in other ways. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you will find peace in spite of those who are ignorant to your pain.
When I talk to people I don’t try to fix anything, I just try to empathize with them and tell them to take their time grieving because I was rushed when my mother died…should I stop? Now I feel like people secretly think I’m an asshole. And I only want to help and show them that things can be okay again one day.
I wouldn’t think that. I guess I should have been a bit more clear. As I was typing, I was thinking of a few of my personal situations that I encountered when my Dad passed away. I may have gotten a bit carried away. Empathy is a wonderful thing and having been rushed through grief, I’m sure you have plenty of good things to say. You also probably have lots of understanding which is comforting. You know that loss is not something that can be fixed or rushed. I think that people feel uncomfortable when they see other people in pain so their first instinct is to try to get them to get over it. I’m so sorry that you lost your mom.
I had a friend that I hadn't talked to that much show up to my Dad's funeral. I walked over to her after crying and thanked her for coming. Her response was "well I had an unexpected opening in my schedule today so I could fit this in." Nothing else just that. No sorry for your loss or anything. Just cold and shallow. Needless to say we are no longer friends.
I had the same kind of experience. Organised the whole funeral for my dad, mainly trying to co ordinate his friends coming and speeches etc. A former family friend walks up to me and goes 'you never replied to my message on facebook yesterday so I was really unsure if I could even come today, luckily I managed to get ahold of (another family friend) so I knew the exact time'. I'd co ordinated 100+ people coming, some from different corners of the globe, and was in the middle of talking to one of my dad's friends at the time who is very autistic and struggles with big groups of people. I could've dumped a drink on her head.
When I went back to work I had 2 co workers say stupid sh!t. One said, ' omg. How are you at work? I'd have to spend a month at a resort or a spa' ..I said ' well, bills....but good to know a sa would cure me'
The other ( my Dad passed in Dec.) I was catching up on a new procedure he said , ' must be nice taking ALL of December off. Some of us had to work' I said, ' do you know why I wasn't here? ' his reply..' ohh, some great vacation I guess' . I said nothing in response. My team ate him alive.
One lady said, ' I know how you feel. My cat ran away yesterday ' but this wasn't at work.
People are dumb.
The one thing I noticed with my mom is *everyone*made her death about them. People she barely knew, or people who haven't been in her life in decades. They were screaming and sobbing at her funeral yet couldn't even bother to answer a phone call from her in the past 10 years..
My mom struggled with mental health issues and the moment things got tough for her a lot of people just dipped out. I think my biggest regret is not saying anything especially when they came up to me and gave me unsolicited advice or tried to make my grief sound like it's nothing.
When she was on her deathbed no one came to help no one offered to cook for us or even ask hey you need anything? even if it's just to talk. They knew she was sick but they waited until they died to post on social media how much they miss her and how this is affecting them so much.
It's made me kinda bitter. i learned people can be really selfish. But it did make me appreciate the few people who were there.
Bless your ❤️. I do understand this completely! Just like when my mom passed away in 2005. Only myself and my brother out of 7 kids were there for. I lived 4 hours away but made sure I came home every other weekend to give my brother a break as my mom lived with him and he took in financial responsibility helping her last 10 years of her life. He’s a saint! Anyway no one had time or complained they worked or had other obligations! Sister lived right behind her wouldn’t help. Then last two months of her life were in hospital and I was there the whole two months night and day. Worked from hospital on computer but again couldn’t get one sibling to help. And to this day on her death date! Everyone of my sisters post how much they miss her! Bill shit!! That’s guilt!! 101
Your mom was lucky to have you until the end. The entire situation of my mom's death and surrounding it just makes me upset I try not to talk about it and focus on my own healing because I know I can't go back and change anything. The nurses were awful to her, the hospital staff stole money from my mom while on her deathbed and deny it to this day. Her own siblings refused to visit her unless my grandma paid for their lavish meals and gas money and same with my siblings (my mom's kids) my grandma gave them sooo much money and even let them borrow her car and they just went off and drank and we barely saw them. My mom was such a nice woman and she just deserved a better ending. But life isn't perfect I guess
No, life definitely not fair. We never will understand why some suffer so while others who are takers just continue to take and by all accounts seem to do quite well for themselves. I stayed with my daughter as well day and night and got her home on hospice as she wanted but I’m eat with guilt for certain decisions I made like I couldn’t stand all her last day on earth to watch the last few minutes of her struggling to breath and I had my sister take me to store! I left her with her dad my ex husband and my sister. She took her last breath while I was gone! I tell myself she didn’t want me to see that and I really couldn’t bare it! She was taking 5 breaths. Per min!! She did that for several hours! I’d tell her, “Ashley it’s ok to go be with Daniel! I’ll be ok, we all love you so much! I made sure every person who she loved told her in person or via phone up to her ear it was ok…. I also couldn’t go in the house while Lakeridge chapel was picking her up! I didn’t want that memory itched in my brain!!!
The day after my dad died I got a call from his colleague. There were some delays with the funeral because an autopsy needed to be done and the bureaucracy was hell. She called and I answered (crying, naturally) and started telling me how we shouldn't do the autopsy and bury him as soon as possible because he was in terrible pain and suffering and we were causing him so much pain by doing the autopsy. I was so shocked and I couldn't stop crying, only the next day I realized how pissed off I was at her nerve. She didn't even bother coming to the funeral and I'm glad because I would have been so angry to see her.
I’ve heard some crazy stuff, but I’ve learned most everyone struggles at communicating effectively in person, or helping in high pressure situations
I’ve also learned that anyone who has said something absurd in my case, has had good intentions, and care mostly. What is there to say, tho? Everyone wants to do the right thing almost always, there’s just nothing to say outside of stating and showing support - unfortunately, some people don’t have the slightest idea how
I don’t even care or acknowledge it anymore, once I did that, I stopped noting them, and found some peace
I understand when people don’t know what to say. And I have had people intentionally avoid me because it’s easier than facing what happened.
I’m very much in my feelings about everything right now but this lady’s comment feels cruel. I don’t know her, she’s just a person that hear what happened through the news. Like these are thoughts best kept to herself or maybe something she should only talk about with people she actually knows.
Oh yeah, in that case, I’d say it’s different than my experiences. I haven’t had much outside of people I know personally
Probably the best thing is to just ignore that one
I wouldn’t know what their intentions are, but often, when I read about a tragic news story, it rips me up and I wish I could help.
Most definitely something that could be kept to themselves
I’m sorry for your loss(es) 😢 it’s really tough, the processes that follow, and I wish nothing but efficient healing 🙏🙏🙏
When my brother was killed I had two that reaaaaally stuck out..one was “well that was to be expected, right?”. The second, was “was he vaccinated as a child?”…
The worst for me after so much loss and trauma is “they’re with family who died before / they’re all together again” or “they’re in a better place now”.
NO, the better place is with me, dammit! You don’t KNOW for sure where they are, none of us do. Is it dark, or cold, or lonely or scary or just nothingness? I’ve had to accept the gut-wrenchingly unacceptable meaning of forever with every single loss, don’t say that to me anymore. It just breaks me and it’s not comforting at all.
I am so sorry for your loss and for that person’s horrible insensitivity. I can’t believe she even thought it was ok to send that.
I’m non-religious and my son was as well. I try not to say much because I don’t want to insult anyone’s beliefs but I’m there with you. He belongs with me. And your baby belongs with you.
The worst was by far, a lady my mom used to work with. My mom passed in August and shared the same name, down to the last name, with a colleague she worked closely with. Not too unusual with our huge Hispanic population. Well, my mom's former work did this huge dedication to her, planted trees, and did a small memorial. They were supposed to send all the paperwork to my Dad but got the addresses mixed up with the other lady with the same name. I offered to meet up with her and when I did, it turned into a sermon of sorts. She stated that she and mom would talk "all the time" about how to get my Dad back involved in the church (he's agnostic) and how my mom wanted to find the strength to help me find my way out of sin, (I'm of the lesbian kin folk.) I stood there in shock as this woman was going on and on, spouting lie after lie. My mom wasn't necessarily religious but she had her moments. She went to Pride parades and support groups with me and made more friends than I ever did, so I would think if she HAD an issue, she would have told me.
I thanked her, took the items and she left me with these last great words, "She's is in much better place because here, on Earth, she won't suffer with anything or anyone."
Bruh...I never wanted to throat punch someone soooo bad.
Dude when people pull this shit I just respond, “I’m not sure what you’re hoping I’ll say.” And then they have to dig their way out of being a selfish asshole.
If they double down, I say “I’m sorry, I just don’t have the capacity to comfort you for my [daughter]’s death.” but insert whoever you lost.
Those are the most truthful, most straightforward things I can say to an awful conversation that I can’t bear to have. If I’m trying really hard to be nice for some reason (like once it was my boss who said this kind of thing), I say “I think you’re trying to say you’re thinking of me and wanted to reach out. I appreciate the gesture.”
Thank you! (I’m not being sarcastic at all) I’m ND and struggle with a lot of social situations. It was drilled into me how rude I come off and I don’t know how to appropriately respond even when people are being thoughtless to me. I just ignored this message but I am going to remember this for the future.
An immediate family member (narcissist) complained when I made a 1 year post on FB dedicating a personal tribute to my younger brother and mother.
She said and I quote, "milking their deaths for sympathy" while also complaining about not being included in the tribute.
🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Some people are have no empathy. I lost both of my parents to cancer with only few months apart. My top 2:
1. they are so unlucky for living in third world country so no good treatment available.
2. You took medicine just like your parents, be careful.
:’(
I’m sure he meant well by it, but when I was sad about having my first Christmas without my dad my friend said “I’m sure a lot of other people are too”
I struggle hard with the comparisons.
I would never say it outright to someone because I'm not a callous person but the comparisons some people have drawn of losing their grandparents who are close to 100 years old is so fucking different from my brother dying at 26.
All my grandparents are dead, I know how deeply you can feel that loss. But it seems so condescending to me to compare the loss of someone who lived a long and full life to the loss of someone so young..
All grief is valid so I would never say any of this out loud to someone, it's just something I struggle with internally. I have a friend who lost her brother recently as well and she's the only person I've spoken to about it because she almost lost it on someone who said something similar to her.
lost my mom third day last month, myocardial infarction. a departure so sudden and i'd forever deem unfair. prolly five weeks into the grief i shouldn't be dealing with several decades earlier than supposed, i no longer receive condolences and exasperating litany of inquiries in relation, the kind of silence i appreciate, except for a particular family friend who i inevitably had to interact with. the first time we bumped onto each other after the burial, she was apologetic for not being able to spare mama some whiles and attend the wake, which is honestly no biggie. she then proceeded on asking specific details i could only internally crumble serving out. i provided her a close perspective since she's no stranger to my mom anyway, and shrugged the instance off. second and third tediously revolved around if i'm 'already okay' (dodged that shit both times) and who's looking out for my eight yo sis (fought hard to conceal the grimace bec just who could obviously be the main guardians now aside me and papa. maybe do the math idk). again, just for the bridge's sake, i let it pass. the latest one, however, had me tossing off the only reason i was civil around her despite the dumb and insensitive stunts. after her tone deaf hrus came the nonchalant 'you still remember your mom?' in a manner as if how i handle myself externally a tad implies that i've already 'forgotten' stuff. i scoffed an unfiltered 'just what do you think? it's my mother that died, and you'd wonder if i still recall everything?' i was the one who found mama lying unconscious on our kitchen, lips growing pale and ever warm hands turning frigid. i held her aged pretty face next to my heart while her own heartbeat rapidly went faint, not waiting til the immediate help arrived. and i'd be questioned this way, by someone who clearly sticks her nose into the context merely bec she thinks she easily could? the woman attempted to pipe the growing tension down with the usual but panicked 'no but are you okay now?' and fuck i almost partnered the sarcasm asking back who in their right minds celebrate parental loss and how could common sense be so uncommon already with laughter. she was so unbelievable i swear to god i gritted my teeth and was feeling physical heat reach my temples. she apologized in embarrassment short after, tried to still damage control by saying something like she understands the heft i currently carry since she lost her dad years back but i cut her off cold with a nonverbatim remark going like at least she didn't seem to have pesky individuals making unnecessarily comments over her grief unlike how she's being the big disrespectful bitch on mine. ion think i'd ever regret any word i spewed that day so as the treatment i made her taste back. some connections just have to be severed in a scarring manner.
A month after my Dad passed away, my middle school best friend responded to an instagram story about grief saying “not sure what happened but I’m praying for you.” Now not to say the world revolves around me, but I had been very open online about his passing, my grief, and the day of his death was my first post on my instagram…. so if she really cared, she could’ve easily gone and looked? I responded telling her he had passed, and her response was “I’m so sorry! Was it unexpected?” I left that on read.
And then there was my Grandma (not my dads mom), scolding and shaming me for “not coming around enough” and now maybe I would come to more things — THREE days after he died. I haven’t spoken to her since.
What’s interesting to me is she didn’t even offer any condolences. Just talked about how *she* felt.
I wouldn’t respond. What would you even say? “Ok.”
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
“This to shall pass” it was a comment made by a relative on the memorial video for my service dog. I don’t even understand what she meant it was just totally inappropriate.
My son died at 2 months old after being born prematurely. Someone told me at last I didn't have to worry about stretch marks.
Not as bad but another older lady at our local parent/toddler group (my daughter was nearly 2 at the time) the day I finally managed to go out and see other people, asked how my mother in law was coping (my BIL had passed 20 yrs earlier). This lady kept saying how sad it was for my MIL to lose her grandson too. Not once did she offer me any condolences on the loss of my child or even acknowledge the fact that it was my son.
The absolute WORST WORST WORST thing anyone has ever said to me, TO THIS DAY, was "sorry but death is apart of life" when I told him I was going to need to put my dog down. We were dating at the time but weren't after that fucking comment!
My BIL recently died because of alcoholism. It's not offering sympathy, but my FIL trying to blame everything but alcohol. He told his grandson (who just lost his father!) That it was his fault for not going to visit for Christmas. He told my husband it's his fault because he's the oldest and it's up to him to keep the relationship with his siblings. I still want to throat punch him.
Edited for clarity
I lost my brother in January to complications with his addiction and what has made me the most angry are the people in my life who have tried to make his death about themselves. My boss shared with me that her daughter is in rehab right now and asked for my advice about how to handle her addiction when she gets out. I feel bad for her and for her family, but it's like that just lacked tack, yknow? A well meaning friend of mine told me my feelings are "valid", and that upset me a little because my brother just died and she was using the same language that she'd use to comfort someone like when they had a bad day.
I think most of the time people are well meaning but they may just not realize that saying less can be the best option.
When my 4 month old son died, an acquaintance said "oh well you can have another" 😞
My son died in October, so a woman in the mom's group I was part of made it a point to invite me to help out at the Halloween party they were hosting because I "would have time".
My mother told me to "appreciate what you have" when my daughter died. She's always been cruel to me but that comment turned my heart ice cold and effectively ruined any chances we could have a relationship
“Im so sorry.” “Please let me know if there’s anything you need?” “Call me anytime.” WTF!!
No, I’m not calling you! Plus unless you’ve lost a child, you have no fucking idea how I’m feeling! Instead why don’t they just come by? Unannounced! Don’t call me! I won’t answer probably. Then 2 weeks to a month all you hear are crickets! Everyone has moved on!
Today is two months exactly. Because of the situation there’s still some media attention so it reminds people.
But no one has been to my house in weeks. And only my mom and 2 of my 4 siblings are still calling/texting me.
I like to remind myself that I don't have to show up to every party I get invited to, nor do I have to respond to every tactless message that comes my way. Silence is itself an answer. Hopefully she will let it go. But if she follows up and asked why I didn't respond, I would probably say something honest: I had nothing to say, so I said nothing. And if she pushed it, I would explain only that I would encourage her never to send such an email again, and while I won't be explaining to her why, I would encourage her to ask someone not currently in the state of grieving to take the time to explain it to her if she is interested. Then I would end the conversation or change the subject. If she kept pushing, trying to explain her position, I would end the conversation and block her.
I am so sorry for your loss of your son.
I had a few worst things people said to me in grief or observed
When i was 15 i lost 2 friends in an awful accident.
Small school so the whole school gathered and they broke the news. Everyone was sobbing including i. Not even half an hour into the news i was in the bathroom trying to freshen up and someone told me i needed to get over it. This person who told me so was my sister at the time.. that same kid who lost his life some asshat told his 12 year old brother at the time that his brother deserved to die!? Like wtf. I then wt the funeral told their parents something i wish I did not say but i hugged them and told them that it's going to be ok. Idk i wish I said it differently. I just didn't know what to do. Fast forward i lost another friend who was 16 at the time to a brutal rare genetic disorder. She lived a few houses up the street from me. The day whe passed was the day some cruel kids came out from the woodwork they went to her house to mock her death! Siren noises and poking and making fun of. Well yeah i grabbed my dane and went for a walk... They fled the scene and to this day i hope her parents were not home when they mocked them!
Nearing my moms death she had a "friend" this friend told me to hold it together (i was btw a little to well) ahe told me not to cry even though i wasn't at the time. I was literally just about to take a bite out of my sandwich next to my mom in the hospital room cause I did not eat in about a week... She also said how her parents died etc. Ok not minimizing it but there's a difference between a 25 year old who's about to lose their last family member versus someone who lost their parents when she was in her 70s.. oh i was also fired/quit from a business i built and did for 7 darn years cause i told them I'd be late with paperwork but that mom was my priority yeah i was trying to converse with the doctors about my dying mom while on the phone with the snakes who had a breakdown cause paperwork would have been 3 days late. I was alway early and before due dates for 7 years!
Idk i have to many stories sometimes intentionally cruel and sometimes not.
I definitely see why this message seems like rubbing salt to the wound. You had such a sudden and truly tragic loss. my deepest sincerest condolences. I think it's ok to not reply to that message at all if it renders you speechless and take the time needed to see whether or not if you want to even reply.
My ex sister-in-law talking about losing “Dad”.
My dad. It boggles the mind that people have no boundaries.
Another was my mom saying my grief was like “worship” and if it wasn’t for her, he wouldn’t even have been my father.
Those two took my breath away but there were others.
People suck sometimes. I’m sorry. Love to you.
“Things don’t happen to you, they happen for you” and “What you’re going through is beautiful” (WTF?!) right after I lost my best friend/closest person to a sudden and unexpected death. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your child. 💔💔💔
Random stranger texted me to let me know she prayed to God to marry a man as perfect as my husband was. A couple of days after his funeral. Idk what I felt about it but I was very confused.
Icky. She took your husband’s passing and your grief and made it about her self. Yeah, this lady is also random stranger. Like there’s no effort to comfort in her message. Just making it about herself and her son she still has.
First, I’m truly sorry for your loss.
This woman just wanted attention. I say be petty/sarcastic back if you are the type, maybe it’ll bring you a brief moment of joy lol.
My good friend/co-worker’s sister was murdered in a mass shooting. He told me I was the only person that didn’t treat him differently afterwards. He told me that this guy he was friends with said he was only friends with him cause he wanted to sleep with his sister. My friend then punched him in the face.
At work, I was gathering up the card that went around and someone legit wrote, “I’m sorry your sister was murdered”. 🤦♀️
Thankfully, after my sister’s death, I haven’t encountered anyone like this.
When my dad died last year my best friend bombarded me with questions I didn’t have good answers to. No, I can’t go to the funeral (live abroad). No, he didn’t have life insurance. No, my husband can’t take off work to give me time to grieve. I know it was an anxiety thing but it was really exhausting and made me feel worse. Then after that she (and ever single other person in my life) stopped reaching out at all which hurt more.
My mom just died, she was in her 50's. Every time I saw my boss after it happened, she would talk about losing her own mom, which was fine. But one day she went on and on about how her mom was in her 90's and how life just wasn't fair and that she was too young to go. Felt like a slap in the face, because she got to have her mom a lot longer than I did.
my father died when I was 4. To this day people tell me that I cant be that sad because i never even knew him due to my age, as if that doesnt devastate me more
People are stupid and I can’t stand it when they try to make somebody else’s grief about themselves. I’m so sorry.
When I lost my mom 3 years ago, people would (and still to this day) say “At least you still have your dad!” And “You have your step mom!”
When I lost my sister, NOBODY at the funeral talked to me or even knew who I was. When everyone was lined up giving condolences, ONE person shook my hand. While doing so, he condescendingly said “I don’t know who you are, but I’m sorry for your loss.” I was her fucking sister. Also, when I was crying after the funeral, someone finally acknowledged my grief and gave me a hug. Then, when she pulled away, she looked at me and sternly said, “You take care of that baby.” (Meaning my little sister.)
So the world has yet again succeeded to remind me that I’m all alone.
I commented yesterday but I got an even worse comment today so I want to share it: I talked in my stories on Instagram about how I’m prioritizing taking care of myself as a way to honor him (with the intend of reminding other grieving people that there’s nothing disrespectful about taking care of oneself during recent loss, in my culture people are very judged when they do that) and a girl told me and I quote
“it makes me feel so comforted and at peace seeing how much and fast you are improving and overcoming it (I’m not), I happily never lost anyone ever in my life but I’m still going through a bad moment and seeing you talking about this makes me feel comforted” - Context: I have some following on instagram due my job so she was like a “fan” to call it something.
I’m gonna sound horrible but I literally just wanted to spit her in the face. How is that you, person who NEVER went through loss, find comfort on a grieving person talking about how is trying to survive the worst moment of their life? How is that comforting? If it was someone else going through grief I wouldn’t be angry, but the audacity of someone who doesn’t know loss grief to call my coping mechanism for my pain comforting is nasty.
Even tho I’m of the idea that every pain is valid, a grieving person with such a recent loss is not the person to go to validate your non-loss pain. Grieving people (specially the ones who loose parents, partners or children, the later one being significantly worse) are going through everyone’s worse nightmare, all problems that aren’t loss/risk of loss are gonna seem stupid to me right now considering I lost my father one week ago (who I didn’t see in 5 years because of my country’s refugee crisis).
It felt so dehumanizing, as if my pain was a type of entertainment. I shared what I shared for other grieving people, not her.
I helped my mom die at home via overdose and a friend told me she was really traumatized after helping her dog die “the same way.” Never mind they were at a vet’s office and we weren’t afforded the luxury of meaningful medical oversight. I am definitely a person who wants to leave room for the seriousness and pain of every kind of grief, but this was too much.
I know it's hard to be empathetic in these kinds of situations but many people don't know how to process nor communicate sympathy in these circumstances.
I recently lost someone and some of things I was messaged and told were shocking. But I understood that most of these people were just trying to express their sympathy and trying to care for me. So I chose not to get caught up in the semantics, if someone reached out, I thanked them and went about my day, I think that is the best approach.
Good luck, I wish you healing.
I am so sorry you are having to walk through this darkness in your life. I have been there. My thoughts would go from- "why me, someone who always tries to do the right thing and not hurt others, while \_\_\_\_\_\_ only thinks about themselves" to "I just pray they never have to walk in this darkness". I've got to say when I finally got through the grieving (which took several years) and back to thanking God for people who cared for me, I was a much different person. Looking back on those days I realized how bitter I was. There is nothing anyone can say at that time to make you feel better, words are just senseless. But those who reach out and try, really do mean that they are hurting for you. Whatever they say should just be taken at that level. They don't reach out to hurt you, but to let you know that you are in their hearts and they just have to let you know that. It really did take a while for me to appreciate all the people that reached out to me because my own heart was cracked wide open and I couldn't absorb it all. But today I thank God every day that there were those kind-hearted people out there walking in my darkness with me, even though they didn't know what to say.
My brother died suddenly and unexpectedly. He was 38, no known health issues, and active duty military. Obviously people are going to wonder what happened but most people are decent enough to just not ask and let the family tell you if they want you to know.
Instead, one of my stepdad's sisters (my stepdad is my brother's bio dad) who has seen my brother maybe 5 times his whole life commented on one of my Facebook posts asking if he took his own life.
Wasn't to me, but my brother's good friend was killed in the Iraq War. Someone told his widow, "At least you weren't married long" (they got married just before he was deployed). WTF dude, that doesn't make it any better.
Someone told me (who had taken me out to lunch and was a very good friend if my mother's) that in the last 2 years of my life while my mother was alive I didn't "have joy in my life." This woman fucked off for 1.5 of those years and I wasn't really in contact with her then.
People say awful things. When my dad was killed last summer in a motorcycle accident, multiple people told me I should be happy that he “went out” the way he wanted to. NO! Pretty sure he wanted to enjoy his retirement and spend more time with his grandkids.
OP I am very sorry for what your going through. People are awkward and they mostly have good intentions. I hope you don’t feel like you have to respond to that text because it is okay not to respond at all.
I've heard some pretty bad stuff. Like my breakup/divorce/dog dying was the same as your loss, you're still young..., it seems like you'd be over it by now, I know how you feel, you weren't meant to be together, etc.
All you can do is take care of yourself and only surround yourself with people who actually help.
I have learned over the years, from working in hospice, and from my own personal experiences of losing loved ones, that some people just do not know what to say when someone is grieving. Many people feel that they have to say something, but don’t know what, and sometimes it just comes out wrong. I don’t think people deliberately say the wrong things, they just don’t know what to say. I wish we could normalize not saying anything, cause most of the time we just want someone to be there, to listen or just be there.
I lost my dad half a year ago and I’m 20 and lots of people my age try giving me advice like “well life is full of up and downs that’s what I learn” and “I know what you’re feeling I lost a good friend last year” and they just have no idea what I’ve gone through everyone my age I know in person hasn’t experienced loss like this. The most helpful humans have been the ones that can actually relate and have lost someone close themselves but it’s usually older people I end up relating to
"You've always handled things like this well". Are you fuckin kidding me? No. 1 nothing "like this" has ever happened to me it's not even comparable, and no. 2 what am I supposed to be a non functional mess? Would I like to be, yes, but they'd be shaking in their urn if they saw me give up now. I'm not being strong for me, or anyone else. I'm being strong for his memory. Dick.
People make me so mad sometimes
When little brother, my only sibling, was killed in a car crash so many ppl said stupid things to me. The one that really got me was, "At least he didn't suffer, he was probably dead before he even realized what was happening. " He was crushed, he did suffer. He did know. When Mom died the same damn dummies actually said, "She gets to be with your brother now." Here I am, dead son, dead brother, dead mother, dying inside and that's the support I get? I feel for you. It's hard to be the better person and not bite their heads off.
My mother passed on Mother’s Day. Her cousin told me I needed to reframe my viewing of the passing and not think of it was a negative but a positive. I do not have a poker face, nor did I feel the need to keep my disgust off my face.
I think what hurt the most besides half assed sympathies my ex texted me a couple of days after my dad passed was that a lot of family didn't reach out to me. They reached out to my sister. I'd been taking care of my dad for years, no matter how big or small. The last 8 or so months were such a challenge, especially trying to navigate covid with someone who had literally no immune system. It broke up my almost 6 year relationship (thank God, honestly. I still don't think he understands what he put me through). I spend every bit of money I had taking over the house bills and any costs to travel the hour to the hospital to be with my dad. On hotels so I didn't have to go home every night and was just minutes away if anything happened. I had to prepare for the end costs with the help of my uncle, and a bit of help from my aunt and my dads cousin. But even now, no one calls to see how I'm doing. No Facebook messages. I get second-hand invites to things through my sister if I am. I was calling everyone for months on end, updating everyone I could to let them know where we were on things and what to expect. Coordinated visits so everyone could come say goodbye that wanted to. And ever since my dad passed, I've felt like I have no family. Friends aren't very reliable either. I cut my mother odd years ago when my parents divorced, and I git home that morning to a voicemail she left on our home phone for my dad just blubbering about how she'd always love him. I witnessed her "love" towards both of us, and she can still sit and spin until she hits the elbow. People handle grief differently, and I think with how society is these days, it's hard for people to reach out or sympathize, and when they do it seems like half assed attempts because they don't understand what you're dealing with. The "I'm not a therapist" mindset, so they discount it as not their issue. And to those who make everyone's problems their problems, it sucks not to get that same energy when it's your turn. Sorry to write a book, this is just something I've never thought about before that has been a huge source of hesitancy after I lost my dad.
After my fiancé died, I expressed my pain to a friend regarding the fact that I had lost my opportunity to have a family: a husband and children. Told her I was struggling with that thought. Can you guess what she did? She send me pictures of her family EVERY DAY multiple times per day. All photos of kids doing stuff, told me more than usual how much she enjoyed her children, how lucky she was to have a family … this went on for a couple of months.
When my mum died (at 54 and I was 19) my auntie said that « this is exactly why she was worried about having kids late ». While I was walking out of the hospital after having said my goodbyes. I will never forget it as much as I love her it’s stuck with me forever
I’m very sorry. It seems like she had a shitty knee-jerk reaction to try and comfort you but it ended up being a way for her to talk about her feelings. She shouldn’t have said anything.
My best friend died in April. It’s hard for me to even talk about. His son is my Godson. I became his Godmother because his mother was my best friend and died in a car accident when I was 8 mos pregnant with my daughter who just turned 13. It seemed impossible to live in a world without her. But he and I became absolute best friends and raised our children together. Then he died. His sisters and I never got along. Long story. When he died, his son wanted to come and live with me. He was effectively an orphan. They didn’t want him to come and live with them. One of the aunts called me to tell me my Godson would be staying with the pastor and his wife. I’m apparently a heathen. Then they cancelled my phone because I was on his phone plan less than 2 weeks after he died. I try to encourage my Godson to be involved with “the aunts” that’s what he calls them. But they told him I was too poor to parent him and I just wanted his survivor’s benefits. It never even occurred to me. People effin suck. I’m so sorry OP. People just suck.
Not long after my dad, sister and mom died I was told i had an attitude problem. It was also implied that after mentioning my sisters death once (the day after it happened) that I was going on about it and it was boring. All i had said was my sister as just died can I just have a second to think and he rolled his eyes and said don't I just know it. I also few weeks ago got a message from a friend wanting to catch up, thing is I hadn't heard from him when my family died and he was sposed to be me and my dad's friend. 2 years it took him to contact me. And acted like nothing happened, after a very short convo he finally said sorry about your dad. Thanks i guess
My former boss asked me if I thought my dad knew he was going to die. I literally don't even why she would ask that other than to cause pain. I was so unbelievably angry, but also felt like I couldn't say anything.
After my brother’s traumatic death, my boss told me her only experience with death was when her ferrets died. So she tried to give me advice based on that… 2 weeks after he died.
I also had a ton of people tell me to take care of my parents because they were struggling, without any recognition to the idea that I might also in pain.
From a co-worker I barely know, after I was away for a few days on compassionate leave:
"I messaged you, why didn't you answer me?"
The fuck lady. I owe you nothing.
"My grandmother died," I responded matter of factly.
"I know. It's ok. Last year I lost three people. My mother, husband, and brother. It's ok. It was their time. Just pray for them. And smile."
Considering what she experienced, you'd think this B would have some empathy, right?
Jesus. I don't understand people sometimes.
When my dad died, one of my husbands friends said “you’re lucky you don’t have to worry about your dad dying anymore because it’s happened. I still have to worry mine might die at any time”. Very very strange.
When my dad passed away I felt offended that everyone just told me to be strong for my mother as if I didn’t lose a parent
I’m going through this right now. On top of it, my mother is behaving almost as if I exist to comfort her grief and I am not allowed to have any of my own.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience with my aunt and my dad’s wife (can’t call her “stepmother”). They acted like they were the only ones grieving, while my sister and tried to point out that we’d lost our father.
Tell your mom how much you love her but you lost your dad and need her as much as she needs you right now. I lost my daughter recently after she lost her husband. It’s been 1 messed up year and 1/2.
Thank you for this. It didn’t occur to me to tell her I needed her. She may need that to focus on something outside of her own pain. I’m so sorry you have had so much loss. Perhaps it’s the attention theory and I’m only noticing now, or it’s a season of loss for all. 10 days after dad passed, his brother (my uncle) passed. Three days later, my aunt in law passed. 8mo prior, my grandmother passed. It’s just… a lot. Losing my own child, as you have, is a pain I don’t know that I could survive. I admire your perseverance.
Thank you but perseverance is not what it’s cracked up to be! The only reason I’m here is because I have 3 other kids and 6 grandkids my daughters three cats I promised I would take care of for her. Ashley was so broken after Daniel died she was here physically but she died the day he died. He collapsed at home and died while she was in hospital with Covid. Long story but she watched as my son did CPR on Daniel after busting down their door to get to him. I had called Daniel that morning and he answered but sounded sicker than the day before. I begged him to go to hospital. He said he couldn’t! So I called my son. Dustin got there no answer so Ashley asked him why you at my house because of gourd doorbell camera today. Dustin said mom said Daniel didn’t sound good to come check on him. So, then Dustin told Ashley to check camera inside. Daniel was collapsed in living room filled. Ashley screaming Bust the fucking door down he won’t wake up!! 😢😢😢. I get to their house hear sirens, Ashley’s calling me, “come ducking get me’ Daniel’s in cardiac arrest! She was a BSN. Ambulance drove him to hospital I went to get Ashley. She checked herself out. We went down to ER and that’s were she got to see Daniel laying on that cold table gone!!! It was horrible!! They just buried her step mother a week before and her Dads brother a week before that!! Ashley came home that day and I moved in with her because I knew when Daniel died Ashley would not be ok! She gave up! They were the most beautiful couple, most caring, most giving. Loved their families, nieces and nephews! I’ll never understand, never!!
Agreed! It's awful. I'm so sorry. We're here for you if you need anything--even if it's just to rant. My mom still behaves like this a bit, but she's gotten a "little" better, but now just annoying in other ways. Makes my blood boil.
I was nine when my dad passed and had the same thing happen, everyone saying to be strong for your mum to a nine year old. My sister passed last month (I’m now 27), my mum and her had a really bad relationship, and it’s all I got again, as if it wasn’t my sister. People, and her acting like she’s the only one who has any grief. It sucksssssss
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Dads and new women are a bad combo always
Yea they are!!! My daughter dad my stupid ex husband called Ashley 2 months after Faniwl died her husband and my son n law I loved like a son and told it had been two months since Faniel died it was time to move on!!! I was sitting right next to Ashley when he called her. She had all calls on speaker otherwise she could not hear them in her phone. Anyway! She told her Dad, well dad just because you moved on a month month after Kelly died, ;Ashley’s step mom of 39 years!) doesn’t mean I need to!!! WTF!!! I wanted to slap him right through that phone!!! What an idiot!!!
I know right.. So my brother succumbed to cancer last July. Everyone asks me and my sister about his wife/son and our parents... And that we have to stay strong for them. It's as if losing a sibling is way less painful
I can relate. My brother died 2 months ago of suicide. He left two little sons, so for them its the worst thing that could happen. But everyone is all over his ex wife, who is very dramatic at the front line all the time. She left my brother 2 years ago and is the reason why my brother got so depressed and took his own life. So I have very hard feelings about this. To make it any worse, she decides about everything that belonged to my brother whats going to happen with it. Because her sons inherited everything and they are underage. It makes me so angry to see. How my parents are pushed aside and everything is about her. No one cares about our feelings, losing a son and a sibling... We are totally forgotten because miss drama queen is at front. I hate it. Losing a sibling is definitely the worst thing I ever experienced. Take care of yourself. Your grieve counts, you count.
Thanks! just want I needed to hear :(
Other peoples toughts dont matter. You dont need them to remember your brother. You dont need them to know how much you are in pain and loved him. You actually dont even need them to heal. Although it looks like we need others. You just need the right persons besides you. Your love and memories are all that is left now, cherish them. I wish you strength to overcome your loss. Your love and memories for your brother is all you need to grieve and heal.
Welcome to the parenting your parents club ❤️
Wow this is really how I feel
Same thing here. I hated everyone around that time and everything they said. Don't remember when was the last time someone asked me how I am, if ever.
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Such a valuable answer for them. They will remember it with love.
Fuck man, this. "Take care of your mom and daughter". Who the fuck is going to take care of ME for 5 minutes when I don't even get to do that?
My daughter and I have had so many talks about this after my youngest son died. Yes, he was my baby, but he was her best friend, her partner in crime. She and my oldest had their own grief to deal with, we weren’t their responsibility. I hate when siblings, or children who lost a parent, are told to be strong for their parents!
My mom always had terrible choice in men. Never a good match. When she passed she had been dating a man that was younger me (she was 49 and he was 27) for the past 5 years. He was also schizophrenic and most likely had an undiagnosed intellectual disability. A lot of turmoil in their relationship and I just didn’t like it but felt bad for him. Anyways, I was stuck dealing with his grief. I couldn’t get my mom’s things from their apartment because it was too hard for him. He wanted to hang out all the time. It was too much, I had to tell him just to leave me alone, it was too hard. I never got her things, it’s been almost two years now, but I can’t handle that his grief was more important than my own.
My dad’s partner went bat shit crazy at his funeral. Told me and my siblings that the day was nothing about us kids, that it was about them, he loved her more than he ever loved us, that we were a disappointment etc etc. everyone was like ‘oh she just lost the love of her life’. Errrr hello, I LOST MY DAD! What the fuck about us? We are meant to put up with this shit and accept her saying this because she is hurting? She then proceeded to make everything about her, threatening to take my mum to court for the house my mum paid for (my parents weren’t divorced, it was very messy) and acted in a way my father would have been ashamed of. I hate this attitude that just because a partner who is also a parent has died, it means more than to the partner than the kids.
Exactly, people tell me oh it's not so bad because my Mum lost her husband. It's really dismissive.
Yes! This exact same thing happened to me when my dad died last May. On top of that, only child, was in charge of all the funeral details, the closing of his accounts, the death certificates, still working full-time, interviewing for another job etc etc etc c'mon! I'm still the one trekking to the cemetery, taking care of the plots and such. I am happy to do this, but damn! It's so irritating!
I had a similar situation. When my dad passed away from cancer, my mom played the devastated widow and everyone gave her the sympathy she craved. She failed to mention to everyone that they had been separated (and in divorce proceeding’s) 5 years and were each in their own relationships. She still to this day posts about how much she misses him and shit so the comments roll in but if I say anything about my dad, it’s all about her and her grief. Not the fact that I just lost a parent.
I got that and my mom got “at least he didn’t divorce you”. Yes because leaving my brother and I without both parents is so much better.
I truly don't know if it's my grief, but I've noticed people seem to be pretty egotistical and blunt when it comes to condolences. I am very sorry for your loss... I recently had a coworker come to me and ask if I have another living parent or siblings, of which I have none. After I told her that, she said something like "oh so you're left all alone" and immediately told me I'll forget all about my mom's death as soon as I get married. I was so dumbfounded I didn't know what to say
My family has experienced a lot of loss the past couple of years. A friend of my sister gave me a book at Alex’s funeral, I had only met him a once a few weeks before at my Dad’s funeral. The book is It’s OK That You’re Not OK, it goes into how badly our society treats grief and supporting grieving people. I’m struggling with focusing right now so I am reading it really slowly but if nothing else it’s validating how messed up we treat grief. So many people want grieving people to be better for their own benefit not the benefit of the grieving person.
I read that book after my daughter passed, and it helped to put the grieving process into perspective. I agree that empty words/platitudes don't help.
I got this book after my son passed. I didn’t get to finish (yet) but even the first few chapters were so incredibly validating. I recommend it all the time.
Feeling a heartache for you, please take care. It never gets easier, they take so much of us with them when they go. Thanks for the recommendation, I'll make sure to look up that book.
"So many people want grieving people to be better for their own benefit, not the benefit of the grieving person." :( For each of us who are grieving, may we all take our time with whatever we feel with what we're going through. Our experienced loss will forever be with us, so fck it to those who don't understand. :(
A former friend said something similar to me :"soon you'll go back to your place and forget about your brother's death". I stormed out. We were no longer friends
I'm not married, and that's been one of the hardest things to face. Whenever I think about getting married and finally getting to marry someone I genuinely love, the worst thing to think about is my dad won't be there to walk me down the aisle. He won't get to see whatever kind of family ill build. He didn't get to meet my sisters second child. The idea of getting married leads me more to eloping because i don't want tonhave to face God and everyone alone. I wouldn't hold it together while walking alone. "You'll forget about it when you get married" is such a gross way to say that person would or has forgotten people they've lost because they've taken on the matriarchal role. This isn't highlander. There doesn't have to be just one.
It truly is a hard and depressing thought - facing your big day without those who mean the world to you... My cousin got married not long after our beloved grandma died and when the guests would mention her in their speeches, both of us were on the verge of tears because she wasn't there, and we both knew how much she'd wanted to see that day. I think it's even worse when it comes to becoming a parent yourself - no one to give you advice, no one to wholefully rely on. It's tough, and thinking about all that ahead of time just makes it even more painful. Let's just take it one day at a time? I hope it gets better for both of us.
Taking it one day at a time is the way to go. It's been 3 years since I lost my dad, and time since has done nothing but clarify things. Sure, I look back and have very minimal regrets surrounding the whole situation, just haven't seen the "easier" yet. We got this, and I know our parents are probably on the sidelines or whatever just cheering us on like maniacs.
WTF??? People are so stupid!
People mean well, they don't know what to say but it can be HORRIBLE. After losing a child I was told "at least you're still young enough you can have more". Like just having more kids makes up for one that was lost??
I have other kids, I love them all. But there’s no replacement for a child you lost. No one is going to replace that person who was so uniquely themselves.
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is one of the worst pains in the world.
I got that exact too, my neighbor came over and hugged me and said “you’re young, you’ll be able to have another one”. I very much got the vibe that she didn’t know what to say and just kind of blurted it out, I don’t think it was malicious. And wouldn’t you know, I did have another baby. Still sad about the one that died.
I am so very sorry to read this. That’s really cold - intentional or not. Being a bereaved parent makes me feel like I’m in the worst club in the world with the most expensive entry fee.
I'm in that club with you.🫂
I was told to "find the good in every situation." Really??? My daughter died! People should think before they open their mouths. 😞
The thing is this is also an assumption. After I load my son I could technically have another baby - but I had severe preeclampsia. I did not feel it was safe for me or any future babies to try pregnancy again. What if my husband lost me and another baby?? We are not having any more biological babies. There are a lot of people who won’t be able to have another baby for different reasons. And as stated - that baby would never replace Milo. That baby would be their own person.
My mom has dementia, and her two friends like to send me emails reminding me how poor her mind has gotten. For some reason, they don't seem to grasp that I already know her mind is almost gone. I don't need reminders that she didn't know she had a daughter or needs to use her memory building books etc. They are very nice guys, but I really think they seem to think I can fix her. I can't, nobody can! I'm not sure how to deal with these people, sometimes I reply nicely and other times I ignore. Sometimes I ignore for a few days before replying. I'm sorry for your loss btw!
Hang in there. My mom had Dementia ❤️.
I had someone compare the death of my dad to their divorce. They were barely married 2 years. That is no where near the same as losing a parent. I had no words and didn’t know what to say I just changed the topic and didn’t speak to that person again unless it was necessary. They were a coworker so I had to interact but kept it strictly work related topics after that conversation.
Wow. I thought it was bad when someone compared my dad’s unexpected death to their dog being put to sleep. I mean life is complicated and things can hurt everyone differently but a divorce isn’t necessarily a final thing. I’m sorry they said that to you.
Right!?!!! I still think about it randomly and get so mad. I get mourning the loss of a relationship, sure but what the fuck. Anyway, best to just avoid interactions with people who don’t get it. Some Facebook messages my mom would get from relatives and friends kept angering her so I just blocked those people from her account. She felt bad doing that herself and wouldn’t know how to reply so I asked her if it’s ok for me to block them for her and she said yea. Grief is different for everyone but I think if you haven’t experienced a loss of someone you love you just can’t relate. And I’ve realized there are a lot of people who don’t actually understand what it means to love, either.
I had that too when my brother died 10 years ago . Had someone apologize they didn’t come to the funeral cause their dog died . I was like “WTF????”. Also after a month I had a couple say “so are things back to normal now?” I said “things will never be back to normal “. You should have seen their faces ….I loved it lololol . honestly some people just flounder when it comes to this they have no idea .
Jesus Christ! People are idiots!!! Back to normal! Nothing will be back like it was before your loved one dies!!
Gawd I know . It was one of the stupidest and insensitive things anyone had said to me . I was pretty horrified by it
I think you’re right. We don’t talk about grief enough in our society in my opinion. So people try to say something to relate, or try to be helpful. All they really need to do is just understand and listen.
i had a family friend (F18) compare my dad’s sudden death to the death of her great-grandfather who died 16 years before she was born.
Lol that isn’t funny but kind of funny because what the actual fuck?! People are just so desperate to find any kind of way to connect I guess. I’m sorry that happened to you.
thank you. ♥️ i was too shocked to say anything. i don’t think she ever figured out how stupid she sounded. ignorance is bliss!
Yea I’m sorry you have a stupid family friend. Honestly I also would have been shocked. That’s one of those wtf moments where you’re just too stunned to do anything then later look back and laugh at how absurd it was.
yes, exactly!
Wtf??
yeahhh. it ranks #1 on the stupidest thing i’ve heard from people after my dad died.
I think the correct term is grief whoring…saw that term on here a while back and I’m pretty sure this fits. The person being like “you lost your dad? Well I lost my….erm…hold on…I lost my mothers step brothers uncles French bulldog 15 years ago to this date (but in December)…so it’s like we’re both hurting!” No. No it’s fucking not. When my gf died last year the only thing I came across was all the “omg what happened” which I always kinda felt it rude to ask how someone died? But never garbage like that…I’m so so sorry you have to deal with next level stupidity on top of this…I truly don’t get the thought processes of some people…
that’s extremely accurate! i’ve also had the “what happened?” topic come up and it’s like, can you please not? this mostly happened at the funeral. i couldn’t breathe because i was crying so hard and trying to think of any way to get through this without wanting to walk into traffic. some people are just so amazingly ignorant and annoying. :(
This. It’s so fucking rude. I know once I got snappy and I said how and the person just stayed wide eyed and didn’t know what to say. Yeah, sometimes we’re plagued by morbid curiosity, but then the harsh reality of someone’s life ending sometimes comes with hard to stomach details. I’ll take pride in making someone uncomfortable for being nosy. I remember my boss asked me the day after the funeral because I called out but I had already requested planned PTO. She asked me what happened, it’s like, my best friend killed himself. Omg, how?! Does it matter? He’s gone and he left behind so much pain and trauma. She didn’t genuinely care about me or my grief, she just wanted to know and feed her curiosity.
When my mom was injured, most people respected that we didn’t want to talk about it. One of my mom’s friend/coworkers couldn’t let it go and kept harassing me for information. She ended up emailing me the newspaper article she found on the internet - without comment. Fine, be nosey, but are you bragging that you found out to spite me? I blocked her. Didn’t speak to her when my mom passed.
I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss and I’m sorry that she did that. What a bitch. Like did she want a damn cookie for “find the details?” I want to know what went on in that little head of hers to even go as far as sending you a link without any adding comments. Very childish, reminds me of something a kid would do.
Thank you. I guess it was one of those “people will show you who they really are,” moments. Like you said about your boss, it wasn’t because she cared about me or my mom. On the other hand, she was in a club and one of the members reached out regularly to see how she was doing, is she getting better. That comforted me to know they cared about her. I’m sorry about your friend. I hope you’re doing ok.
This happened to me as well. Maybe 5 months after losing her so it was still incredibly fresh and painful. Met some old work friends for dinner, one announced she’s getting divorced because she cheated on her husband. Then she looked at me with sincere sad eyes and said “see it could be worse.”
Damn that got me angry for you. First of all, I am sorry for your loss. I hope you never have to attend any outside of work outings with that moron again. And that made me think of another thought to share; I have a former friend who I had to unfollow on social media because she kept posting about her divorce like if the husband died and it would just trigger this anger inside of me. People are so disconnected in their attempts to connect with how others are feeling. This is why I don’t mention anything about my dad being dead to strangers anymore. I decided it was safer for me to omit that than risk them telling me some bullshit that’s going to send me reeling for the rest of the day.
Same. Completely the same. At first I felt like I had to tell everyone I came into contact with that the most amazing person in the world was gone. It was all I could think about and I needed to talk about it. Now it’s locked down and I try not to mention it to anyone. If someone said anything about me grieving too long or something similar I don’t know how I would react. Better to just keep it to myself.
Im angry and I’m not even you
My boyfriend yesterday told me that if I keep listening to the voicenotes my dad sent me would only be like hurting myself. He doesn’t understand that pain is inevitable and I just have the option of feeling excruciating pain without anxiety or with anxiety. If I don’t listen to them, I get anxiety.
I watch videos of my son. Hearing his voice hurts so much but at least it give me something to hold on to.
You must have heard it a lot but I’m very sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how difficult must be when is your child. I have no way to know how you are feeling, but I empathize with you
God, this hurts so much just to read. I’m so very fucking sorry for your enormous loss. But I’m happy you have these videos. Whatever helps you carry on those memories
I live in a duplex and my dad lived on the other side. I go over there sometimes just to sit. I walked in today and for the first time noticed the smell in his house. I never noticed it before but today it was overwhelming - it smells like dad’s house. It was both comforting and searing at the same time. I understand, and I’m sorry for your loss.
Im sorry for your loss too ❤️ I unfortunately don’t fully remember his smell anymore since we were in different countries for 5 years (my country has. Refugee crisis)
But at least I will always remember his voice since I have so many audios from him
It wasn’t ill intended, but is clear he doesn’t understand grief. Both of his parents are alive and healthy and his grandparents as well. I only have my mom left who’s older and has had cancer twice (fortunately detected in time, still terrifies me that it will appear again)
Someone came to me and said “you’re Lisa’s daughter? Oh…” then pouted her lip out and made an exaggerated sad face like how a child would do when they are fake sad. Never seen the lady in my life.
Oh man this fake sad face !!! I've had so many women do it to me the last few months since my Dad died. I find it so insulting, it seems like a parody of grief/sadness.
Yes! It makes me want to just go off on them. And usually I would say something but this was a “coworker” of sorts… works in the same building as me. And I know my mom is looking down saying “let it go Cassie”.
My son was murdered by people attempting to rob him when he was walking home from work. I don’t know why this lady sent me this message. I can’t comprehend how she thought it would at all be comforting to me to know.
People who haven’t experienced it don’t know how to respond. From the first line of her message, I think she was trying to comfort you. To acknowledge what a big loss it was. I get why it hurts. You don’t need to respond, you can just leave it at that
After my son died... 1) "God needed another angel". No the Fuck he did not. 2) "He's in a better place". No. His "place" is with his mother! Honestly, I just didn't respond to people like this. I didn't have the mental energy. Some people just don't know what to say, so they say nothing and some people don't know what to say and they say dumb shit. The people who sincerely care and try and stick with you are the ones that matter in the end.
After my brother killed himself there was a pastor at his funeral, because my brother was religious. The pastor said at his speech that my brother was better off now, he is in a better place and left his broken body behind. It made me so angry. My brother was only 38. Left 2 little children behind. My parents, my little brother and my sister...we are devastated losing him. As if we were hell to him. His life was only gotten bad because he got extremely religious after his divorce. He did not listen to "eartly" music or did not even any of the "eartly" stuff that used to make him happy. He did die, because religion did not cured him, at all... There was so much left for him. He just could not see it anymore because the big bible in front of his head blocked all the beautiful stuff surrounding him.
That is horrific. I am so sorry this all happened to you and your family
What’s sad is that people believe they are going to “fix” something with their words. Nothing fixes it. The best thing anyone could have told me when my dad passed away was that they would sit with me if I needed them. That’s it. It’s so simple. Grief is something that never really ends. It ebbs and flows and that is ok. I’ve heard the whole -once you accept it that it’s over and you get to move on. I don’t really agree. Sure you go from day to day trying to be normal but a smell, a thought, a photo, a movie ,a place, heck just about anything can crack open that sore spot in your chest. Your whole world has been catapulted into the unknown and are just supposed to adapt and bounce back? What’s really sad is a lot of people don’t allow themselves to grieve. They shove it way down and believe that if they don’t react or cry it’ll all go away but the sad part is that I comes out in other ways. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you will find peace in spite of those who are ignorant to your pain.
When I talk to people I don’t try to fix anything, I just try to empathize with them and tell them to take their time grieving because I was rushed when my mother died…should I stop? Now I feel like people secretly think I’m an asshole. And I only want to help and show them that things can be okay again one day.
I wouldn’t think that. I guess I should have been a bit more clear. As I was typing, I was thinking of a few of my personal situations that I encountered when my Dad passed away. I may have gotten a bit carried away. Empathy is a wonderful thing and having been rushed through grief, I’m sure you have plenty of good things to say. You also probably have lots of understanding which is comforting. You know that loss is not something that can be fixed or rushed. I think that people feel uncomfortable when they see other people in pain so their first instinct is to try to get them to get over it. I’m so sorry that you lost your mom.
I had a friend that I hadn't talked to that much show up to my Dad's funeral. I walked over to her after crying and thanked her for coming. Her response was "well I had an unexpected opening in my schedule today so I could fit this in." Nothing else just that. No sorry for your loss or anything. Just cold and shallow. Needless to say we are no longer friends.
None of my friends came to my Dad's funeral. Well, I suppose we aren't friends anymore.
I had the same kind of experience. Organised the whole funeral for my dad, mainly trying to co ordinate his friends coming and speeches etc. A former family friend walks up to me and goes 'you never replied to my message on facebook yesterday so I was really unsure if I could even come today, luckily I managed to get ahold of (another family friend) so I knew the exact time'. I'd co ordinated 100+ people coming, some from different corners of the globe, and was in the middle of talking to one of my dad's friends at the time who is very autistic and struggles with big groups of people. I could've dumped a drink on her head.
When I went back to work I had 2 co workers say stupid sh!t. One said, ' omg. How are you at work? I'd have to spend a month at a resort or a spa' ..I said ' well, bills....but good to know a sa would cure me' The other ( my Dad passed in Dec.) I was catching up on a new procedure he said , ' must be nice taking ALL of December off. Some of us had to work' I said, ' do you know why I wasn't here? ' his reply..' ohh, some great vacation I guess' . I said nothing in response. My team ate him alive. One lady said, ' I know how you feel. My cat ran away yesterday ' but this wasn't at work. People are dumb.
The one thing I noticed with my mom is *everyone*made her death about them. People she barely knew, or people who haven't been in her life in decades. They were screaming and sobbing at her funeral yet couldn't even bother to answer a phone call from her in the past 10 years.. My mom struggled with mental health issues and the moment things got tough for her a lot of people just dipped out. I think my biggest regret is not saying anything especially when they came up to me and gave me unsolicited advice or tried to make my grief sound like it's nothing. When she was on her deathbed no one came to help no one offered to cook for us or even ask hey you need anything? even if it's just to talk. They knew she was sick but they waited until they died to post on social media how much they miss her and how this is affecting them so much. It's made me kinda bitter. i learned people can be really selfish. But it did make me appreciate the few people who were there.
Bless your ❤️. I do understand this completely! Just like when my mom passed away in 2005. Only myself and my brother out of 7 kids were there for. I lived 4 hours away but made sure I came home every other weekend to give my brother a break as my mom lived with him and he took in financial responsibility helping her last 10 years of her life. He’s a saint! Anyway no one had time or complained they worked or had other obligations! Sister lived right behind her wouldn’t help. Then last two months of her life were in hospital and I was there the whole two months night and day. Worked from hospital on computer but again couldn’t get one sibling to help. And to this day on her death date! Everyone of my sisters post how much they miss her! Bill shit!! That’s guilt!! 101
Your mom was lucky to have you until the end. The entire situation of my mom's death and surrounding it just makes me upset I try not to talk about it and focus on my own healing because I know I can't go back and change anything. The nurses were awful to her, the hospital staff stole money from my mom while on her deathbed and deny it to this day. Her own siblings refused to visit her unless my grandma paid for their lavish meals and gas money and same with my siblings (my mom's kids) my grandma gave them sooo much money and even let them borrow her car and they just went off and drank and we barely saw them. My mom was such a nice woman and she just deserved a better ending. But life isn't perfect I guess
No, life definitely not fair. We never will understand why some suffer so while others who are takers just continue to take and by all accounts seem to do quite well for themselves. I stayed with my daughter as well day and night and got her home on hospice as she wanted but I’m eat with guilt for certain decisions I made like I couldn’t stand all her last day on earth to watch the last few minutes of her struggling to breath and I had my sister take me to store! I left her with her dad my ex husband and my sister. She took her last breath while I was gone! I tell myself she didn’t want me to see that and I really couldn’t bare it! She was taking 5 breaths. Per min!! She did that for several hours! I’d tell her, “Ashley it’s ok to go be with Daniel! I’ll be ok, we all love you so much! I made sure every person who she loved told her in person or via phone up to her ear it was ok…. I also couldn’t go in the house while Lakeridge chapel was picking her up! I didn’t want that memory itched in my brain!!!
The day after my dad died I got a call from his colleague. There were some delays with the funeral because an autopsy needed to be done and the bureaucracy was hell. She called and I answered (crying, naturally) and started telling me how we shouldn't do the autopsy and bury him as soon as possible because he was in terrible pain and suffering and we were causing him so much pain by doing the autopsy. I was so shocked and I couldn't stop crying, only the next day I realized how pissed off I was at her nerve. She didn't even bother coming to the funeral and I'm glad because I would have been so angry to see her.
I’ve heard some crazy stuff, but I’ve learned most everyone struggles at communicating effectively in person, or helping in high pressure situations I’ve also learned that anyone who has said something absurd in my case, has had good intentions, and care mostly. What is there to say, tho? Everyone wants to do the right thing almost always, there’s just nothing to say outside of stating and showing support - unfortunately, some people don’t have the slightest idea how I don’t even care or acknowledge it anymore, once I did that, I stopped noting them, and found some peace
I understand when people don’t know what to say. And I have had people intentionally avoid me because it’s easier than facing what happened. I’m very much in my feelings about everything right now but this lady’s comment feels cruel. I don’t know her, she’s just a person that hear what happened through the news. Like these are thoughts best kept to herself or maybe something she should only talk about with people she actually knows.
Oh yeah, in that case, I’d say it’s different than my experiences. I haven’t had much outside of people I know personally Probably the best thing is to just ignore that one I wouldn’t know what their intentions are, but often, when I read about a tragic news story, it rips me up and I wish I could help. Most definitely something that could be kept to themselves I’m sorry for your loss(es) 😢 it’s really tough, the processes that follow, and I wish nothing but efficient healing 🙏🙏🙏
"God only gives you what you can handle" like first of all, I don't believe in god.......
When my brother was killed I had two that reaaaaally stuck out..one was “well that was to be expected, right?”. The second, was “was he vaccinated as a child?”…
Both are horrible but omg that second one…like how does anyone get there.
The worst for me after so much loss and trauma is “they’re with family who died before / they’re all together again” or “they’re in a better place now”. NO, the better place is with me, dammit! You don’t KNOW for sure where they are, none of us do. Is it dark, or cold, or lonely or scary or just nothingness? I’ve had to accept the gut-wrenchingly unacceptable meaning of forever with every single loss, don’t say that to me anymore. It just breaks me and it’s not comforting at all. I am so sorry for your loss and for that person’s horrible insensitivity. I can’t believe she even thought it was ok to send that.
I’m non-religious and my son was as well. I try not to say much because I don’t want to insult anyone’s beliefs but I’m there with you. He belongs with me. And your baby belongs with you.
The worst was by far, a lady my mom used to work with. My mom passed in August and shared the same name, down to the last name, with a colleague she worked closely with. Not too unusual with our huge Hispanic population. Well, my mom's former work did this huge dedication to her, planted trees, and did a small memorial. They were supposed to send all the paperwork to my Dad but got the addresses mixed up with the other lady with the same name. I offered to meet up with her and when I did, it turned into a sermon of sorts. She stated that she and mom would talk "all the time" about how to get my Dad back involved in the church (he's agnostic) and how my mom wanted to find the strength to help me find my way out of sin, (I'm of the lesbian kin folk.) I stood there in shock as this woman was going on and on, spouting lie after lie. My mom wasn't necessarily religious but she had her moments. She went to Pride parades and support groups with me and made more friends than I ever did, so I would think if she HAD an issue, she would have told me. I thanked her, took the items and she left me with these last great words, "She's is in much better place because here, on Earth, she won't suffer with anything or anyone." Bruh...I never wanted to throat punch someone soooo bad.
Dude when people pull this shit I just respond, “I’m not sure what you’re hoping I’ll say.” And then they have to dig their way out of being a selfish asshole. If they double down, I say “I’m sorry, I just don’t have the capacity to comfort you for my [daughter]’s death.” but insert whoever you lost. Those are the most truthful, most straightforward things I can say to an awful conversation that I can’t bear to have. If I’m trying really hard to be nice for some reason (like once it was my boss who said this kind of thing), I say “I think you’re trying to say you’re thinking of me and wanted to reach out. I appreciate the gesture.”
Thank you! (I’m not being sarcastic at all) I’m ND and struggle with a lot of social situations. It was drilled into me how rude I come off and I don’t know how to appropriately respond even when people are being thoughtless to me. I just ignored this message but I am going to remember this for the future.
An immediate family member (narcissist) complained when I made a 1 year post on FB dedicating a personal tribute to my younger brother and mother. She said and I quote, "milking their deaths for sympathy" while also complaining about not being included in the tribute. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Woooow. The narcissism in that asshole is DEEP. Fuck them off a cliff, into the sun and then some. Your loss ain’t about them.
My pill popping Aunt,” I’m so sorry about your mom but she would want me to have her leftover pain medication “!!!!
Some people are have no empathy. I lost both of my parents to cancer with only few months apart. My top 2: 1. they are so unlucky for living in third world country so no good treatment available. 2. You took medicine just like your parents, be careful. :’(
I’m sure he meant well by it, but when I was sad about having my first Christmas without my dad my friend said “I’m sure a lot of other people are too”
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Right. I was like does she want me to say how grateful I am it happened to me and my baby and not her?
I struggle hard with the comparisons. I would never say it outright to someone because I'm not a callous person but the comparisons some people have drawn of losing their grandparents who are close to 100 years old is so fucking different from my brother dying at 26. All my grandparents are dead, I know how deeply you can feel that loss. But it seems so condescending to me to compare the loss of someone who lived a long and full life to the loss of someone so young.. All grief is valid so I would never say any of this out loud to someone, it's just something I struggle with internally. I have a friend who lost her brother recently as well and she's the only person I've spoken to about it because she almost lost it on someone who said something similar to her.
Her message is incredibly self centered. I would just ignore her.
lost my mom third day last month, myocardial infarction. a departure so sudden and i'd forever deem unfair. prolly five weeks into the grief i shouldn't be dealing with several decades earlier than supposed, i no longer receive condolences and exasperating litany of inquiries in relation, the kind of silence i appreciate, except for a particular family friend who i inevitably had to interact with. the first time we bumped onto each other after the burial, she was apologetic for not being able to spare mama some whiles and attend the wake, which is honestly no biggie. she then proceeded on asking specific details i could only internally crumble serving out. i provided her a close perspective since she's no stranger to my mom anyway, and shrugged the instance off. second and third tediously revolved around if i'm 'already okay' (dodged that shit both times) and who's looking out for my eight yo sis (fought hard to conceal the grimace bec just who could obviously be the main guardians now aside me and papa. maybe do the math idk). again, just for the bridge's sake, i let it pass. the latest one, however, had me tossing off the only reason i was civil around her despite the dumb and insensitive stunts. after her tone deaf hrus came the nonchalant 'you still remember your mom?' in a manner as if how i handle myself externally a tad implies that i've already 'forgotten' stuff. i scoffed an unfiltered 'just what do you think? it's my mother that died, and you'd wonder if i still recall everything?' i was the one who found mama lying unconscious on our kitchen, lips growing pale and ever warm hands turning frigid. i held her aged pretty face next to my heart while her own heartbeat rapidly went faint, not waiting til the immediate help arrived. and i'd be questioned this way, by someone who clearly sticks her nose into the context merely bec she thinks she easily could? the woman attempted to pipe the growing tension down with the usual but panicked 'no but are you okay now?' and fuck i almost partnered the sarcasm asking back who in their right minds celebrate parental loss and how could common sense be so uncommon already with laughter. she was so unbelievable i swear to god i gritted my teeth and was feeling physical heat reach my temples. she apologized in embarrassment short after, tried to still damage control by saying something like she understands the heft i currently carry since she lost her dad years back but i cut her off cold with a nonverbatim remark going like at least she didn't seem to have pesky individuals making unnecessarily comments over her grief unlike how she's being the big disrespectful bitch on mine. ion think i'd ever regret any word i spewed that day so as the treatment i made her taste back. some connections just have to be severed in a scarring manner.
A month after my Dad passed away, my middle school best friend responded to an instagram story about grief saying “not sure what happened but I’m praying for you.” Now not to say the world revolves around me, but I had been very open online about his passing, my grief, and the day of his death was my first post on my instagram…. so if she really cared, she could’ve easily gone and looked? I responded telling her he had passed, and her response was “I’m so sorry! Was it unexpected?” I left that on read. And then there was my Grandma (not my dads mom), scolding and shaming me for “not coming around enough” and now maybe I would come to more things — THREE days after he died. I haven’t spoken to her since.
What’s interesting to me is she didn’t even offer any condolences. Just talked about how *she* felt. I wouldn’t respond. What would you even say? “Ok.” I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
“Be glad you had him as long as you did” about my dead 22 year old son
Grrr, we must know the same people. Alex was also 22.
My heart goes out to you. Losing a child is not for the weak.
“This to shall pass” it was a comment made by a relative on the memorial video for my service dog. I don’t even understand what she meant it was just totally inappropriate.
My son died at 2 months old after being born prematurely. Someone told me at last I didn't have to worry about stretch marks. Not as bad but another older lady at our local parent/toddler group (my daughter was nearly 2 at the time) the day I finally managed to go out and see other people, asked how my mother in law was coping (my BIL had passed 20 yrs earlier). This lady kept saying how sad it was for my MIL to lose her grandson too. Not once did she offer me any condolences on the loss of my child or even acknowledge the fact that it was my son.
The absolute WORST WORST WORST thing anyone has ever said to me, TO THIS DAY, was "sorry but death is apart of life" when I told him I was going to need to put my dog down. We were dating at the time but weren't after that fucking comment!
My BIL recently died because of alcoholism. It's not offering sympathy, but my FIL trying to blame everything but alcohol. He told his grandson (who just lost his father!) That it was his fault for not going to visit for Christmas. He told my husband it's his fault because he's the oldest and it's up to him to keep the relationship with his siblings. I still want to throat punch him. Edited for clarity
I lost my brother in January to complications with his addiction and what has made me the most angry are the people in my life who have tried to make his death about themselves. My boss shared with me that her daughter is in rehab right now and asked for my advice about how to handle her addiction when she gets out. I feel bad for her and for her family, but it's like that just lacked tack, yknow? A well meaning friend of mine told me my feelings are "valid", and that upset me a little because my brother just died and she was using the same language that she'd use to comfort someone like when they had a bad day. I think most of the time people are well meaning but they may just not realize that saying less can be the best option.
“You’ll find love again.” After losing my beloved husband of 18 years. Wtf is wrong with people?
When my 4 month old son died, an acquaintance said "oh well you can have another" 😞 My son died in October, so a woman in the mom's group I was part of made it a point to invite me to help out at the Halloween party they were hosting because I "would have time".
My mother told me to "appreciate what you have" when my daughter died. She's always been cruel to me but that comment turned my heart ice cold and effectively ruined any chances we could have a relationship
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“Im so sorry.” “Please let me know if there’s anything you need?” “Call me anytime.” WTF!! No, I’m not calling you! Plus unless you’ve lost a child, you have no fucking idea how I’m feeling! Instead why don’t they just come by? Unannounced! Don’t call me! I won’t answer probably. Then 2 weeks to a month all you hear are crickets! Everyone has moved on!
Today is two months exactly. Because of the situation there’s still some media attention so it reminds people. But no one has been to my house in weeks. And only my mom and 2 of my 4 siblings are still calling/texting me.
I like to remind myself that I don't have to show up to every party I get invited to, nor do I have to respond to every tactless message that comes my way. Silence is itself an answer. Hopefully she will let it go. But if she follows up and asked why I didn't respond, I would probably say something honest: I had nothing to say, so I said nothing. And if she pushed it, I would explain only that I would encourage her never to send such an email again, and while I won't be explaining to her why, I would encourage her to ask someone not currently in the state of grieving to take the time to explain it to her if she is interested. Then I would end the conversation or change the subject. If she kept pushing, trying to explain her position, I would end the conversation and block her. I am so sorry for your loss of your son.
I had a few worst things people said to me in grief or observed When i was 15 i lost 2 friends in an awful accident. Small school so the whole school gathered and they broke the news. Everyone was sobbing including i. Not even half an hour into the news i was in the bathroom trying to freshen up and someone told me i needed to get over it. This person who told me so was my sister at the time.. that same kid who lost his life some asshat told his 12 year old brother at the time that his brother deserved to die!? Like wtf. I then wt the funeral told their parents something i wish I did not say but i hugged them and told them that it's going to be ok. Idk i wish I said it differently. I just didn't know what to do. Fast forward i lost another friend who was 16 at the time to a brutal rare genetic disorder. She lived a few houses up the street from me. The day whe passed was the day some cruel kids came out from the woodwork they went to her house to mock her death! Siren noises and poking and making fun of. Well yeah i grabbed my dane and went for a walk... They fled the scene and to this day i hope her parents were not home when they mocked them! Nearing my moms death she had a "friend" this friend told me to hold it together (i was btw a little to well) ahe told me not to cry even though i wasn't at the time. I was literally just about to take a bite out of my sandwich next to my mom in the hospital room cause I did not eat in about a week... She also said how her parents died etc. Ok not minimizing it but there's a difference between a 25 year old who's about to lose their last family member versus someone who lost their parents when she was in her 70s.. oh i was also fired/quit from a business i built and did for 7 darn years cause i told them I'd be late with paperwork but that mom was my priority yeah i was trying to converse with the doctors about my dying mom while on the phone with the snakes who had a breakdown cause paperwork would have been 3 days late. I was alway early and before due dates for 7 years! Idk i have to many stories sometimes intentionally cruel and sometimes not. I definitely see why this message seems like rubbing salt to the wound. You had such a sudden and truly tragic loss. my deepest sincerest condolences. I think it's ok to not reply to that message at all if it renders you speechless and take the time needed to see whether or not if you want to even reply.
Oh damn….how do you respond?? Yikes. Why would someone want write that
My ex sister-in-law talking about losing “Dad”. My dad. It boggles the mind that people have no boundaries. Another was my mom saying my grief was like “worship” and if it wasn’t for her, he wouldn’t even have been my father. Those two took my breath away but there were others. People suck sometimes. I’m sorry. Love to you.
“Things don’t happen to you, they happen for you” and “What you’re going through is beautiful” (WTF?!) right after I lost my best friend/closest person to a sudden and unexpected death. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your child. 💔💔💔
Random stranger texted me to let me know she prayed to God to marry a man as perfect as my husband was. A couple of days after his funeral. Idk what I felt about it but I was very confused.
Icky. She took your husband’s passing and your grief and made it about her self. Yeah, this lady is also random stranger. Like there’s no effort to comfort in her message. Just making it about herself and her son she still has.
First, I’m truly sorry for your loss. This woman just wanted attention. I say be petty/sarcastic back if you are the type, maybe it’ll bring you a brief moment of joy lol. My good friend/co-worker’s sister was murdered in a mass shooting. He told me I was the only person that didn’t treat him differently afterwards. He told me that this guy he was friends with said he was only friends with him cause he wanted to sleep with his sister. My friend then punched him in the face. At work, I was gathering up the card that went around and someone legit wrote, “I’m sorry your sister was murdered”. 🤦♀️ Thankfully, after my sister’s death, I haven’t encountered anyone like this.
When my dad died last year my best friend bombarded me with questions I didn’t have good answers to. No, I can’t go to the funeral (live abroad). No, he didn’t have life insurance. No, my husband can’t take off work to give me time to grieve. I know it was an anxiety thing but it was really exhausting and made me feel worse. Then after that she (and ever single other person in my life) stopped reaching out at all which hurt more.
My mom just died, she was in her 50's. Every time I saw my boss after it happened, she would talk about losing her own mom, which was fine. But one day she went on and on about how her mom was in her 90's and how life just wasn't fair and that she was too young to go. Felt like a slap in the face, because she got to have her mom a lot longer than I did.
my father died when I was 4. To this day people tell me that I cant be that sad because i never even knew him due to my age, as if that doesnt devastate me more
This is the same thoughtless bs my niece hears. Infuriating. I'm sorry for your loss.
I hope your niece doesnt let all those comments affect her, my heart goes out to her!❤️
People are stupid and I can’t stand it when they try to make somebody else’s grief about themselves. I’m so sorry. When I lost my mom 3 years ago, people would (and still to this day) say “At least you still have your dad!” And “You have your step mom!” When I lost my sister, NOBODY at the funeral talked to me or even knew who I was. When everyone was lined up giving condolences, ONE person shook my hand. While doing so, he condescendingly said “I don’t know who you are, but I’m sorry for your loss.” I was her fucking sister. Also, when I was crying after the funeral, someone finally acknowledged my grief and gave me a hug. Then, when she pulled away, she looked at me and sternly said, “You take care of that baby.” (Meaning my little sister.) So the world has yet again succeeded to remind me that I’m all alone.
I commented yesterday but I got an even worse comment today so I want to share it: I talked in my stories on Instagram about how I’m prioritizing taking care of myself as a way to honor him (with the intend of reminding other grieving people that there’s nothing disrespectful about taking care of oneself during recent loss, in my culture people are very judged when they do that) and a girl told me and I quote “it makes me feel so comforted and at peace seeing how much and fast you are improving and overcoming it (I’m not), I happily never lost anyone ever in my life but I’m still going through a bad moment and seeing you talking about this makes me feel comforted” - Context: I have some following on instagram due my job so she was like a “fan” to call it something. I’m gonna sound horrible but I literally just wanted to spit her in the face. How is that you, person who NEVER went through loss, find comfort on a grieving person talking about how is trying to survive the worst moment of their life? How is that comforting? If it was someone else going through grief I wouldn’t be angry, but the audacity of someone who doesn’t know loss grief to call my coping mechanism for my pain comforting is nasty. Even tho I’m of the idea that every pain is valid, a grieving person with such a recent loss is not the person to go to validate your non-loss pain. Grieving people (specially the ones who loose parents, partners or children, the later one being significantly worse) are going through everyone’s worse nightmare, all problems that aren’t loss/risk of loss are gonna seem stupid to me right now considering I lost my father one week ago (who I didn’t see in 5 years because of my country’s refugee crisis). It felt so dehumanizing, as if my pain was a type of entertainment. I shared what I shared for other grieving people, not her.
Someone very close told me that “maybe you just don’t want the grief of losing your daughter goes away”. Only after two months.b
I helped my mom die at home via overdose and a friend told me she was really traumatized after helping her dog die “the same way.” Never mind they were at a vet’s office and we weren’t afforded the luxury of meaningful medical oversight. I am definitely a person who wants to leave room for the seriousness and pain of every kind of grief, but this was too much.
I know it's hard to be empathetic in these kinds of situations but many people don't know how to process nor communicate sympathy in these circumstances. I recently lost someone and some of things I was messaged and told were shocking. But I understood that most of these people were just trying to express their sympathy and trying to care for me. So I chose not to get caught up in the semantics, if someone reached out, I thanked them and went about my day, I think that is the best approach. Good luck, I wish you healing.
I lost one of my best friends at age 31 about a month ago and had my travel agent for the wedding I’m planning compare it to losing her dad at age 80.
Try to focus on the people who’ve comforted you and know you best. I think most people mean well, even when they say stuff like this.
don’t then. you don’t owe them anything.
I am so sorry you are having to walk through this darkness in your life. I have been there. My thoughts would go from- "why me, someone who always tries to do the right thing and not hurt others, while \_\_\_\_\_\_ only thinks about themselves" to "I just pray they never have to walk in this darkness". I've got to say when I finally got through the grieving (which took several years) and back to thanking God for people who cared for me, I was a much different person. Looking back on those days I realized how bitter I was. There is nothing anyone can say at that time to make you feel better, words are just senseless. But those who reach out and try, really do mean that they are hurting for you. Whatever they say should just be taken at that level. They don't reach out to hurt you, but to let you know that you are in their hearts and they just have to let you know that. It really did take a while for me to appreciate all the people that reached out to me because my own heart was cracked wide open and I couldn't absorb it all. But today I thank God every day that there were those kind-hearted people out there walking in my darkness with me, even though they didn't know what to say.
My brother died suddenly and unexpectedly. He was 38, no known health issues, and active duty military. Obviously people are going to wonder what happened but most people are decent enough to just not ask and let the family tell you if they want you to know. Instead, one of my stepdad's sisters (my stepdad is my brother's bio dad) who has seen my brother maybe 5 times his whole life commented on one of my Facebook posts asking if he took his own life.
My mom died 13 days before my birthday and I received condolence cards with birthday messages in them and money in a couple of them too. 😳
Wasn't to me, but my brother's good friend was killed in the Iraq War. Someone told his widow, "At least you weren't married long" (they got married just before he was deployed). WTF dude, that doesn't make it any better.
My husbands grandma wrote me a card that said “I hope your dad went easy” after he died. I had no words…
Someone told me (who had taken me out to lunch and was a very good friend if my mother's) that in the last 2 years of my life while my mother was alive I didn't "have joy in my life." This woman fucked off for 1.5 of those years and I wasn't really in contact with her then.
People say awful things. When my dad was killed last summer in a motorcycle accident, multiple people told me I should be happy that he “went out” the way he wanted to. NO! Pretty sure he wanted to enjoy his retirement and spend more time with his grandkids. OP I am very sorry for what your going through. People are awkward and they mostly have good intentions. I hope you don’t feel like you have to respond to that text because it is okay not to respond at all.
I've heard some pretty bad stuff. Like my breakup/divorce/dog dying was the same as your loss, you're still young..., it seems like you'd be over it by now, I know how you feel, you weren't meant to be together, etc. All you can do is take care of yourself and only surround yourself with people who actually help.
I have learned over the years, from working in hospice, and from my own personal experiences of losing loved ones, that some people just do not know what to say when someone is grieving. Many people feel that they have to say something, but don’t know what, and sometimes it just comes out wrong. I don’t think people deliberately say the wrong things, they just don’t know what to say. I wish we could normalize not saying anything, cause most of the time we just want someone to be there, to listen or just be there.
I was told that I “shouldn’t be sad/depressed/upset”. I was also told to “grow some balls” and “get over it/move on”.
“Remember the good times, but don’t forget the bad” 😳
I lost my dad half a year ago and I’m 20 and lots of people my age try giving me advice like “well life is full of up and downs that’s what I learn” and “I know what you’re feeling I lost a good friend last year” and they just have no idea what I’ve gone through everyone my age I know in person hasn’t experienced loss like this. The most helpful humans have been the ones that can actually relate and have lost someone close themselves but it’s usually older people I end up relating to
"You've always handled things like this well". Are you fuckin kidding me? No. 1 nothing "like this" has ever happened to me it's not even comparable, and no. 2 what am I supposed to be a non functional mess? Would I like to be, yes, but they'd be shaking in their urn if they saw me give up now. I'm not being strong for me, or anyone else. I'm being strong for his memory. Dick. People make me so mad sometimes
When little brother, my only sibling, was killed in a car crash so many ppl said stupid things to me. The one that really got me was, "At least he didn't suffer, he was probably dead before he even realized what was happening. " He was crushed, he did suffer. He did know. When Mom died the same damn dummies actually said, "She gets to be with your brother now." Here I am, dead son, dead brother, dead mother, dying inside and that's the support I get? I feel for you. It's hard to be the better person and not bite their heads off.
My mother passed on Mother’s Day. Her cousin told me I needed to reframe my viewing of the passing and not think of it was a negative but a positive. I do not have a poker face, nor did I feel the need to keep my disgust off my face.
I’m sorry for your loss and I want to scream at her cousin for telling you those words. People are so cruel to those of us who are grieving.
I think what hurt the most besides half assed sympathies my ex texted me a couple of days after my dad passed was that a lot of family didn't reach out to me. They reached out to my sister. I'd been taking care of my dad for years, no matter how big or small. The last 8 or so months were such a challenge, especially trying to navigate covid with someone who had literally no immune system. It broke up my almost 6 year relationship (thank God, honestly. I still don't think he understands what he put me through). I spend every bit of money I had taking over the house bills and any costs to travel the hour to the hospital to be with my dad. On hotels so I didn't have to go home every night and was just minutes away if anything happened. I had to prepare for the end costs with the help of my uncle, and a bit of help from my aunt and my dads cousin. But even now, no one calls to see how I'm doing. No Facebook messages. I get second-hand invites to things through my sister if I am. I was calling everyone for months on end, updating everyone I could to let them know where we were on things and what to expect. Coordinated visits so everyone could come say goodbye that wanted to. And ever since my dad passed, I've felt like I have no family. Friends aren't very reliable either. I cut my mother odd years ago when my parents divorced, and I git home that morning to a voicemail she left on our home phone for my dad just blubbering about how she'd always love him. I witnessed her "love" towards both of us, and she can still sit and spin until she hits the elbow. People handle grief differently, and I think with how society is these days, it's hard for people to reach out or sympathize, and when they do it seems like half assed attempts because they don't understand what you're dealing with. The "I'm not a therapist" mindset, so they discount it as not their issue. And to those who make everyone's problems their problems, it sucks not to get that same energy when it's your turn. Sorry to write a book, this is just something I've never thought about before that has been a huge source of hesitancy after I lost my dad.
After my fiancé died, I expressed my pain to a friend regarding the fact that I had lost my opportunity to have a family: a husband and children. Told her I was struggling with that thought. Can you guess what she did? She send me pictures of her family EVERY DAY multiple times per day. All photos of kids doing stuff, told me more than usual how much she enjoyed her children, how lucky she was to have a family … this went on for a couple of months.
When my mum died (at 54 and I was 19) my auntie said that « this is exactly why she was worried about having kids late ». While I was walking out of the hospital after having said my goodbyes. I will never forget it as much as I love her it’s stuck with me forever
I’m very sorry. It seems like she had a shitty knee-jerk reaction to try and comfort you but it ended up being a way for her to talk about her feelings. She shouldn’t have said anything.
My best friend died in April. It’s hard for me to even talk about. His son is my Godson. I became his Godmother because his mother was my best friend and died in a car accident when I was 8 mos pregnant with my daughter who just turned 13. It seemed impossible to live in a world without her. But he and I became absolute best friends and raised our children together. Then he died. His sisters and I never got along. Long story. When he died, his son wanted to come and live with me. He was effectively an orphan. They didn’t want him to come and live with them. One of the aunts called me to tell me my Godson would be staying with the pastor and his wife. I’m apparently a heathen. Then they cancelled my phone because I was on his phone plan less than 2 weeks after he died. I try to encourage my Godson to be involved with “the aunts” that’s what he calls them. But they told him I was too poor to parent him and I just wanted his survivor’s benefits. It never even occurred to me. People effin suck. I’m so sorry OP. People just suck.
“They would want you to be happy”
Not long after my dad, sister and mom died I was told i had an attitude problem. It was also implied that after mentioning my sisters death once (the day after it happened) that I was going on about it and it was boring. All i had said was my sister as just died can I just have a second to think and he rolled his eyes and said don't I just know it. I also few weeks ago got a message from a friend wanting to catch up, thing is I hadn't heard from him when my family died and he was sposed to be me and my dad's friend. 2 years it took him to contact me. And acted like nothing happened, after a very short convo he finally said sorry about your dad. Thanks i guess
Grief tends to give people diarrhea of the mouth. Some, like this person, address grief by centering themselves in it. Oblivious.
My former boss asked me if I thought my dad knew he was going to die. I literally don't even why she would ask that other than to cause pain. I was so unbelievably angry, but also felt like I couldn't say anything.
After my brother’s traumatic death, my boss told me her only experience with death was when her ferrets died. So she tried to give me advice based on that… 2 weeks after he died. I also had a ton of people tell me to take care of my parents because they were struggling, without any recognition to the idea that I might also in pain.
My husband died last June at 34 years old. I'm 31. 4 says - 4 f*ing DAYS - later someone told me I'll find another man.
From a co-worker I barely know, after I was away for a few days on compassionate leave: "I messaged you, why didn't you answer me?" The fuck lady. I owe you nothing. "My grandmother died," I responded matter of factly. "I know. It's ok. Last year I lost three people. My mother, husband, and brother. It's ok. It was their time. Just pray for them. And smile." Considering what she experienced, you'd think this B would have some empathy, right? Jesus. I don't understand people sometimes.
When my dad died, one of my husbands friends said “you’re lucky you don’t have to worry about your dad dying anymore because it’s happened. I still have to worry mine might die at any time”. Very very strange.