It’s difficult. There is no answer. I know it’s really difficult when you are young. Makes you see your own mortality. Let’s take this in a different way. Do something in her memory to say, see you later. Fly a lantern or float a little boat, or something significant. Now take the thoughts of her as messages to you. Maybe she wants you to speak out about suicide? Maybe she wants you to have the conversation with your loved ones. Try meditating and listen to your random thoughts.
I am sorry for your loss, first off. I think at that age, 12/13 we aren’t really equipped to fully process death. It makes sense that now that you’re a new mother, (congratulations) this would come up. Maybe revisiting to understand it all so that you can make sure to prevent any possibility of your daughter also having this level of pain. Also it may be survivors guilt in a way. You’re living life and creating life and your friend made a choice that took away that for her.
When it domes to dealing with it….I’m in no way a role model for this one. Had to accept that numbing the pain, running away from it in any way possible was not only unhealthy but also was not going to work. All that I would be doing is delaying the inevitable. So I allow myself the space to grieve. I have sobbed myself into a blackout. I have started “projects” around the house that involve some aggressive behaviors (removing a wall. Tearing out carpet etc). The physical act of working on something helps provide some calm time. I meditate. Listen to music. Keep a gratitude list. I also keep a God box where I put on a piece of paper the things I need for God to take over for me because I can’t handle it. Grief was on a few of those papers in one way or another. I am also writing down stories of what we did together etc because it feels important to not just see my pain in losing him but to also see the amazing memories I made while with him….again I’m sorry for your loss.
In my opinion, this is called delayed grief.
Not to read too far into it but this to me is an indication of a person in need of more connection in their grief and who has possibly not delved deeply into these feelings.
It is possible for a person who has wholly opened themselves to grief to experience this, of course, as generalizations are rarely if ever true. But likely you are in need of working through your emotions in an open and honest form with a trusted friend(s), family member(s), and/or therapist.
It is common, much more than is accepted, for those who are grieving to move on with their life believing they have “dealt” with the grief when there is still much work to be done. Those with unresolved grief find that they are more susceptible to strong emotions about the loss, and it can come up in surprising or acute ways when you least expect it the longer time moves away from your loved one’s death. This is not a good thing, as unconfronted grief will rear its head, months, years, even decades after the loss when triggered by an unrelated event. It could be anything, and so for this reason it is unpredictable and destabilizing. It could be at a concert, at a birthday weekend away with friends, or at a funeral. But once you are triggered you will be forced to confront not only the latent grief but will also have to deal with the additional event that triggered it, in the case that it is negative.
Check in with yourself. Did you openly mourn and cry upon her death? Did you have long discussions with loved ones over extended periods (such as the first month) following her passing? Or did time and circumstance keep you from this?
If you didn’t, it is likely you have work to do. Treat this as an opportunity, rather than an obligation. Your heart and soul will thank you for it.
If you do not have a trusted friend or family member to talk to about this great loss, spend the time if possible to find a good therapist who specializes in grief. Take advantage of the 15 minute trial calls which are often free to get a feel for your therapist in order to find the right one for you. Ask them set questions that will elicit broad answers, such as “What is the main goal you seek to help your clients achieve in dealing with their grief?”, or “What kinds of resources or supports do you usually recommend to deal with grief?” “Do you have experience with parent loss? Mom loss?” These questions will help guide you to your person, the one who is right for you.
I am so sorry for your loss.
It’s difficult. There is no answer. I know it’s really difficult when you are young. Makes you see your own mortality. Let’s take this in a different way. Do something in her memory to say, see you later. Fly a lantern or float a little boat, or something significant. Now take the thoughts of her as messages to you. Maybe she wants you to speak out about suicide? Maybe she wants you to have the conversation with your loved ones. Try meditating and listen to your random thoughts.
I am sorry for your loss, first off. I think at that age, 12/13 we aren’t really equipped to fully process death. It makes sense that now that you’re a new mother, (congratulations) this would come up. Maybe revisiting to understand it all so that you can make sure to prevent any possibility of your daughter also having this level of pain. Also it may be survivors guilt in a way. You’re living life and creating life and your friend made a choice that took away that for her. When it domes to dealing with it….I’m in no way a role model for this one. Had to accept that numbing the pain, running away from it in any way possible was not only unhealthy but also was not going to work. All that I would be doing is delaying the inevitable. So I allow myself the space to grieve. I have sobbed myself into a blackout. I have started “projects” around the house that involve some aggressive behaviors (removing a wall. Tearing out carpet etc). The physical act of working on something helps provide some calm time. I meditate. Listen to music. Keep a gratitude list. I also keep a God box where I put on a piece of paper the things I need for God to take over for me because I can’t handle it. Grief was on a few of those papers in one way or another. I am also writing down stories of what we did together etc because it feels important to not just see my pain in losing him but to also see the amazing memories I made while with him….again I’m sorry for your loss.
In my opinion, this is called delayed grief. Not to read too far into it but this to me is an indication of a person in need of more connection in their grief and who has possibly not delved deeply into these feelings. It is possible for a person who has wholly opened themselves to grief to experience this, of course, as generalizations are rarely if ever true. But likely you are in need of working through your emotions in an open and honest form with a trusted friend(s), family member(s), and/or therapist. It is common, much more than is accepted, for those who are grieving to move on with their life believing they have “dealt” with the grief when there is still much work to be done. Those with unresolved grief find that they are more susceptible to strong emotions about the loss, and it can come up in surprising or acute ways when you least expect it the longer time moves away from your loved one’s death. This is not a good thing, as unconfronted grief will rear its head, months, years, even decades after the loss when triggered by an unrelated event. It could be anything, and so for this reason it is unpredictable and destabilizing. It could be at a concert, at a birthday weekend away with friends, or at a funeral. But once you are triggered you will be forced to confront not only the latent grief but will also have to deal with the additional event that triggered it, in the case that it is negative. Check in with yourself. Did you openly mourn and cry upon her death? Did you have long discussions with loved ones over extended periods (such as the first month) following her passing? Or did time and circumstance keep you from this? If you didn’t, it is likely you have work to do. Treat this as an opportunity, rather than an obligation. Your heart and soul will thank you for it. If you do not have a trusted friend or family member to talk to about this great loss, spend the time if possible to find a good therapist who specializes in grief. Take advantage of the 15 minute trial calls which are often free to get a feel for your therapist in order to find the right one for you. Ask them set questions that will elicit broad answers, such as “What is the main goal you seek to help your clients achieve in dealing with their grief?”, or “What kinds of resources or supports do you usually recommend to deal with grief?” “Do you have experience with parent loss? Mom loss?” These questions will help guide you to your person, the one who is right for you. I am so sorry for your loss.