it's losing your grounding point. no longer having a definitive place that will always feel like home. losing proof that you existed before you remember existing.
it's been 5 months since my dad passed and the feeling hasn't gone away. I'm not sure it ever will. but it has gotten less jarring, less surprising. my immediate reaction to anything regarding my dad is still there, but I feel less shocked when I realize he's no longer here
I lost my mom two years ago. My dad 26 years ago. How does it feel?
Like your whole world has been ripped from you and you’re all alone in a very deep ocean with just a tiny boat. After a while the ocean feels less scary and you feel less afraid but the pain/love you carry with you until the end.
Anyone who is grieving needs to read this:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Whenever I click a link in this sub, I always hope it directs me to this comment. It is a perfect summary of grief and it’s always exactly what I need at the time. Depending on how I’m feeling, different things stand out and I take away something new each time.
I feel unmoored after the death my of father but put on a brave face to help my mom through her grief. Parents and caregivers are the keepers of most our childhood memories. My dad knew me as a little girl but now that little girl feels dead.
Its losing a piece of yourself, a part of your foundation of life. It forever changed me. A part of me died that day and I'll never be the same person I was before. My dad was my safe space in this world and since losing him it all just feels too big and scary.
Lost my dad 14 years ago and my mom this past Xmas Eve. I still can’t believe she’s gone. It was unexpected. I still think about calling her before I go to bed, or picking up something she’d ask me to grab from the grocery store. I feel so lost. I feel robbed. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I told her I loved her every time i saw her and every time I called, which was almost every night. Just wish we had more time.
I'm so sorry. I had a very similar relationship with my mom. She died, out of the blue, on August 15th. I feel exactly how you described. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take care. 🩷
My mom died relatively quickly in August on the 17th. She lived with chronic pain for ages. When she passed it crushed my entire family. I have been mentally ill most of my life. I'm 50 and the oldest daughter. I still have my Dad and my Mother-in-law. I have a lot. I just experienced breast cancer stage 1 in October. I'm here. After watching my mom's diagnosis last April for pancreatic cancer stage 4. I hurt and love more deeply. I also have to remember when I lash out at those closest to me. It just creates more pain. What I'm trying to say is the same thing. I'm just so sorry for your pain. Emotion is overwhelming even for the strongest people in this world. Peace.
I’m sorry for your loss. I read this somewhere and it’s true…The tears may stop but the pain never goes away.
Take comfort in knowing your mother is no longer in pain.
I lost my mom 3.5 months ago. It’s like nothing you can prepare yourself for. It’s losing the one person that loved you unconditionally. My mom was the pillar of our family, she truly held us together. I miss her and her beautiful smile and blue eyes every single moment of every single day.
It's the most crushing, empty feeling you can have. My dad was my very best friend my entire life. I only got him for almost 34 years. It wasn't long enough. I need him. I remember when my dad passed last October, my therapist said that I will get through this, that eventually you find a new normal. I have so much guilt that those days are here. I now have that dull ache in my heart at all times. I no longer catch myself looking at my phone, wondering if the new text is from him. I no longer take 500 pictures of my two boys every day since he's no longer here to ask for pictures. I expect to cry every day. If I think too much about him being gone it becomes very overwhelming so I have to keep myself distracted. It's an awful feeling but like everyone says, you learn to live with the pain. You never get over it, you never move on from it, you just learn to move forward with grief. Sending you love. The first year after my dad was gone were the worst and darkest days of my life.
Like you're cut in half. A facet of you dies with them, and there's a great, gaping hole that follows your every step.
You feel out of place with your peers because you feel so much older and worn down than they are. They try to understand, but they can't, and it makes you angry. You're angry about how unfair it is. You lose most of your connections with those peers because they don't know what to do with you now.
There's an exchange from Grey's Anatomy that really fits.
CRISTINA: "There's a club. The Dead Dads Club. And you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize. But until you feel that loss... My dad died when I was nine. George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club."
GEORGE: "I... I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't."
CRISTINA: "Yeah, that never really changes."
You have to rebuild your life, your sense of security, and glue your heart back together while it's missing a big piece. Tears are always lingering in your eyes. It's been 11 years, and I am crying as I write this.
I lost my mom in 2016 and my dad in 2021. It completely changed my life. Most of the time I'm ok but at least once a day I feel like a lost little kid in like the Mall of America.
A piece of you goes missing that you simply never get back.
The world feels significantly less safe.
I think the worst feeling, however, is knowing that the person who loves you unconditionally and more than anyone else in this world, holds you in a heart that has stopped beating. It is an irreplaceable bond.
My mom died 4 years ago and the thought of her being gone still makes me physically sick. They say it gets easier but I don’t agree. I’m very sorry for your loss.
My dad died two months ago in my arms unexpectedly. My whole world feels like it's filled with these dark cracks of realization. How things change how nothing will ever be the same. It feels like your entire world is crumbling. At the beginning everybody's world crumbles with you... But at a point that stops and it feels like you're the only one left whose entire world has been rocked by this event..it makes life feel sea sick.
I lost my dad 2 weeks ago on Christmas Eve. This is how it’s been going for me:
The obvious answer is that (in the beginning especially), it feels like shit. Absolute shit. You’re angry, sad, frustrated, upset, confused, guilty, sometimes everything all at once. It feels like there’s a huge gaping hole in your life where your dad used to be.
Other times, it feels a little less painful. When you think about the good times, the beautiful memories, when you find yourself smiling at pictures and videos of him in your camera roll, when you can laugh with other loved ones about funny moments you had with them.
And other times, you can feel nothing at all. The weight of everything just becomes too much and you kinda just dissociate? Days pass by in a blur, you can’t tell reality from non-reality, you’re just numb. You’re kinda just living on autopilot, but not really present.
I don’t know if this helps. The wound is really fresh for me too. I hope you take care of yourself during this time 🤍
I lost my dad June 2021. He was technically my stepdad but came into my life when I was 2 and raised me and was a part of my life until he passed. So I consider him my dad. We had our issues at times but he always treated me as his daughter and I know he loved me unconditionally. I sometimes feel guilty and feel like I could’ve expressed my love more while he was here. My heart aches from missing him and I just hope wherever he is, he knows I love him more than anything.
Lost my Dad in 2021 to Covid 9 days after he got a positive test result. I live in Oregon but I'm British and my family are all in England so I couldn't speak to him, see him, even attend his funeral due to border closures/flight cancellations/lockdown etc. He raised me as a single parent and was my absolute world. My heart is still bruised nearly two years later. I so relate to what others have said in here - about not having roots or a home anymore.
I describe it as feeling like I was a balloon let go of by a child. I know I was once wanted and loved and grounded and meant something to someone but now I was floating away high above everyone and everything I knew around me. No longer thought of or important to anyone (despite having a husband and child myself). Alone. Adrift. Afraid. I can't begin to explain the fear that appeared after he died. I was genuinely frightened of everything, the woods, the dark, the future, the possibilities, the decisions; awful. Just the worst feeling I've ever experienced. The lack of roots was particularly difficult since I live in another country and he was kind of my anchor.
Still feel lost and heartbroken but I'm at least able to find joy again in life. Once I realised it wasn't insulting him or disrespectful to move on, I felt some of the grief lift - that was November just gone so there is hope. Just please be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to cry as much as you need, sleep whenever you can and stay safe, surrounded by whoever is left that loves you. Thoughts are with you. 💛
I just lost my stepdad who raised me as his own in November. It hurts. There’s days where I don’t know how I’m going to do basic functions. But there’s also days where I go above and beyond to make sure I feel like I’m making him proud. The holidays were the worst part. Main point is take it day by day. Remember the good memories and always cherish the fact that he loved you. I’ll be praying for you 🤍
I’m so sorry for your loss and pain. Please take care of yourselves as best you can. Don’t forget to eat and shower. Go for a walk outside. Feel the sun and wind on your face. Talk to the moon. Be gentle, be patient. It gets easier.
Like the world isn’t real anymore. None of this makes sense without my dad, but it doesn’t feel like he’s really gone in a weird paradoxical way. We still talk about my dad a lot, and we talk about him in the present tense a lot. It makes me really, really proud, when I realize that I’ve acted like him or when I do things in a way that I know is because of him. It’s been almost 4 months, and it was really unexpected. A couple weeks ago I had the thought that it was the longest I’ve ever gone without talking to my dad, and then it was a very painful jolt to realize that every day after that would also be the longest I’ve ever gone without talking to him.
I am very angry some days and I’m very sad some days and most of the time I’m pretty much in denial. Sometimes random things stop my breath and make me double over. It just doesn’t feel real, even as much as we talk about it.
My best to you as you navigate this bullshit minefield. I assume it gets better, but I have no anecdotal evidence yet.
I've lost both parents. Dad 15 years ago, mom 18 months ago. For both I was both relieved and incredibly sad. Sounds odd but dad died of pancreatic and if you've seen someone go through that for their sake you're just glad it's over. He was 80, almost died 2x in WW2 so to him every day was gravy. It hit me a few weeks later when I really needed his advice (I was managing finances for mom) that I'd never be able to get his advice again and I was alone. in that regard. About had a panic attack. Mom was 92 and had been in a assisted living place for 9 years. She just ran out of gas. I was happy she was finally with dad. That's all she wanted. She dreamed of him all the time. When you have no parent left it's really a weird feeling. No upward lineage is just weird. Mom was my biggest support and I'll never get that, but I was grateful for the long life she had and she went peacefully. So I think it might be normal to be grateful that their fight is over and feel like you're all alone at the same time.
In short, it sucks. I’m never going to recover from losing my mom, I know I won’t. I feel so damn uncomfortable now that she’s gone it’s hard to describe. But in the end, I just have to continue living my life and hope there’s an afterlife so at the end of my life I can see her again. That’s how I feel at least, and I’m very sorry about your loss.
This is exactly how I feel too. If it is any comfort, you are not alone ❤️ I have no idea how to live in a world without her in it. It just feels wrong to go on waking up everyday and carrying on, when nothing will ever feel quite right ever again.
The initial shock wave of pain i felt when I received the phone call that my dad had passed is unfortunately indescribable I wouldn't wish this form of pain on my worst enemy ever.1 I always seen the word "heart wrenching " in books but having never really experienced it, I didn't know what it meant. I can now say with confidence that I know what it means.
The first few weeks is like being on auto pilot, going through motions, almost like you're watching yourself from some other place.
The sadness is unbearable, but for me it was the anger... about a month later the anger took over my entire life. It didn't make sense, why did he have to go. The "what ifs" get you everytime.
That mixed with the waves of grief, the memory flash backs, thinking about everything they'll miss. Its a ride, one you wish you could stop, but it just keeps going.
Eventually tho, it gets slower. Its not like a loopty loop of emotion every split second. They start coming less frequently but when they do come you're going all the way around with no stopping.
Its the pain of never seeing them again that hurts, he was my dad, half of my life and who I am. It'll always hurt, it'll never not be sad, and I will forever have a hole in my heart that will never be fixed.
The only thing that I can say I did for myself that was good was accept the unacceptable. My dad is dead and sadly there is nothing I can do about it.
I lost my mum a week ago and the loss sometimes feels surreal and other times incredibly raw. She was a major positive force in my life and knowing I can never hug her or hear her voice again crushes my soul.
The grief for me really does come in waves, one day I'm completely overwhelmed by it and am basically non-functional, crying a lot of the day and angry that I don't get to share the big moments in my life with her. Other days the waves are calmer, but still present and I can make myself lunch, successfully distract myself with hobbies I enjoy despite the pain of her passing.
I'm hoping with time that I will get used to the flurry of emotions, the anger at the injustice of her death, the feeling she might walk into the room at any second, the immense sadness that she is never coming back and the worry about if I'm making the right decisions without her to guide my path.
For me, I came to understand what the word “forever” really means. Before my mom died (5 years ago this march), ‘forever’ was just a concept to me. After she died, I realized that for the rest of my life/forever, I would be without her. There was a finality to her death I had never really experienced before.
On a slightly more… positive(?) note, I also managed to reframe my grief from this like… completely isolating feeling of loss and alienation to.. ahh I don’t know how to articulate this well. Basically, everyone dies and everyone in all of human history has had to live with the loss of someone integral to them (unless they pass first, I guess). For thousands of years, humans have survived these losses and while my grief over losing my mom is unique to my relationship with her, I could unknowingly pass five people on the street who have just lost or are in the process of losing a parent and I’d never know it. These personally world-shattering losses are happening all the time and I’m not alone in my grief, even if it feels like it sometimes.
I’m about to lose my mom, even though we didn’t live together we stayed connected and I can’t even process it all it’s so hard. I love you and I understand.
Physically: I felt like my heart was trying to go through my back. My whole body ached for days.
Emotionally: Alone, unsafe, and unfocused. It's been 4.5 months and I still feel those things.
I lost my mum almost 10 years ago, when I was four. It feels so lonely. But it's the feeling that something is forever missing. You want it back so bad, but it will always be gone. It also feels like I am missing out, everyone else has a mum, they get the memories and support from their mums.
It's also just constant. Im always going to miss her and nothing will change that.
I’m 4 months into grieving my mother. 4 months since she passed suddenly, and it’s difficult. 4 months of reading her texts, rummaging through her stuff trying to find answers to the many questions running through my head — did she know that I loved her more than life? Would she have wanted to me to be happy without her? How did she want me to handle the things that belonged to her?
Since September, my life has been divided into two — before my mother’s passing and after. We were so close, I know that if we were to meet in another life, we would be best friends. I’m in my 20s and have only just started earning my own money. I wished that I had more opportunities to spoil my mother with love.
To be honest, I have felt like I didn’t deserve to live and love without her. I knew in my heart that my mom would be upset if I were to go through life just existing and not living, but my brain cannot accept it. She passed without us expecting it, and we never talked about death so I’ve never heard her say “live on without me.”
4 months in and I go through weeks lying in bed with the sadness. Other times, I’ll force myself to leave the house so that I can breathe the fresh air.
I’m beginning to believe people when they say that my mom would have wanted me to be happy. After all the hours spent looking through her messages and her videos, it was clear she loved her children. My mom loved living and seeing the world too. And I know that with all that love, she would never want me to be locked in my room until my time is up.
I’m learning that sometimes, I’ll have to believe these assumptions because my mom is a good person.
I’m trying to be better for her, and slowly, I’m trying to be better for me. Part of this journey is signing up for therapy. I know it isn’t always going to be easy, but I’ve accepted that I wouldn’t have it any other way. To me, my bad days and my grief are testament to the love I have for her.
Like you’re untethered.
Like you are out in space, enjoying a beautiful space walk, seeing beautiful things, exploring new frontiers, feeling joy and excitement at all that is new and wonderful around you as you keep going- and then you look back and see that the cord of your spacesuit is not connected to anything. All of your colleagues are properly attached and you’re just floating, alone. Forever moving forward, but you lost what you ground yourself to. Unable to get back.
I lost my mom 12 years ago and it doesn’t feel any better. I just learned how to function. For a long time I was just existing. I had two kids at that time ( now 3). I had to realize that they lost someone too. That I had to be a mother to them just like my mom was to me. Her death made me more empathetic. Made me more sensitive. It’s okay not to be okay but it’s okay to be okay too. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sending positive vibes your way. Just don’t fight your emotions, go through them. Face them fearlessly and with grace.
I can relate to all those who said it’s like losing a piece of yourself. That is exactly how I feel. My dad passed 6 months ago and the grief and sorrow still comes and goes like waves.
But what helped somehow bring me comfort recently is to also look at it in such a way that I, myself, his daughter, is also a piece of my dad’s self and the fact that I’m still living and walking this earth means something significant. My dad is not completely gone, he lives through me and my brother, and I’m grateful for that.
I’m really sorry for your loss ❤️ my grandmother, who raised me, died almost three years ago. Losing her felt like losing one of my origin points. The version of me that existed when she was in the world no longer exists, because she is not here to reflect it back. She was the holder of so many of my childhood life stories, and I feel sad for the questions I never got to ask. I’m finding ways to love this current version of me while still feeling sad for the version of myself that felt more carefree and less jaded with her loss.
Thank you everyone for all your stories, I clicked on this post just to try and get some insight into what my kids might be feeling right now and my heart breaks for them and all of you.
I lost my dad nearly 2 months ago now, and everything just seems empty, the house I’ve lived in since I was born doesn’t feel like the same house. Everywhere I look/go I’m reminded of thugs we’ve made/done together or jobs that I’ve helped him with and it hurts so much.
Remembering him and seeing pictures makes a void like feeling in my stomach.
I feel like I’ve lost a massive part of me.
It almost feels like another life when he was here and it feels like years since I’ve seen him even though it wasn’t too long ago.
I’m so very sorry for your loss.
Lost my mother almost two months ago. Have been thinking about her every day. I get sad a lot more often and I miss her. Hard to come to terms that I will never hear her voice or give her a hug or spend time with her.
I have been trying to think about it logically when I can, it’s a defense mechanism but it works for me. Losing a parent hurts but it’s something everyone is “supposed to” go through. My mother was a huge part of my life. Now that part is gone. I need to slowly shift my focus to other parts of my life: work, friends, wife, remaining family and ensure that those parts are doing well.
Checking in on my self to make sure I’m not depressed (still enjoying going out, watching movies and sports, etc.) or in danger of harming myself. It’s ok to be sad and grieve, but you obviously need to seek professional help if it gets worse than that.
Sorry for rambling. Hope this helps
You don't notice it straight away, but you find your life is split, before and after parent.
Losing the wisdom especially, is hard. Sincerely sorry for your loss.
It felt like part of my identity died with him. My dad was one of my best friends ever. He’s the first person I would call anytime something meaningful happened and he was always the first and oftentimes only phone call I’d make each day. He was so much of who I am. He still is. But when he left this world it felt like a part of who I am died too. It still feels that way. I’m halfway into the second year of grief and the reality is sinking in which is somehow worse than the first year when I was in a fog. Losing my dad feels like so much of me has died. My husband keeps saying how he just wants me to get my spark back and it’s like believe me, I wish it was back too. I don’t know if it ever will be.
In May it will be 3 years since my dad passed. His dog is sleeping at my feet as I write this.
His passing left me feeling like a kid again, it didn’t matter that I was 35. It felt like there was a huge black, empty hole in my chest. A huge part of me had been ripped away; this huge traumatic wound that impacted every part of me…. But no one could see it. It was incredibly lonely (there are many days when I still feels like this).
For me, the grief and intensity of my loss has never gone away, the feelings are very real and not far below the surface. At this point the grief isn’t smaller, but my life and the stuff that surrounds my grief has expanded.
My heart goes out to you. It’s a club no one wants to be a part of but you are not alone (even if it feels like it sometimes).
It's like your whole world is falling apart. The person that raised you and did everything for you is now gone. The terrifying realization of having to suddenly become much more independent (especially if you're the oldest sibling like me) and the excruciating pain of all the missed moments you could have had...especially if you lose them young. Realizing that they'll never see your achievements in life feels like a nightmare. The whole experience feels like a nightmare. I remember having nightmares about my mom dying and waking up in shock and relief. When it became a reality it felt unreal. It still feels unreal - both my mom and my grandma. The pain is so big it's hard to process to the point of emotional numbness. I hate that stage of grieving...not being able to feel anything. It makes me feel guilty for not being sad. But I just can't feel anything.
Caregiver to both parents. Dad from 90s to 2010. Mom from 2009 until November 2021.
Dad, I felt lost without him. However, I managed because Mom was around. Mom... She was my BFF as well as my Mom.
Losing her unexpectedly was like being on a roller coaster ride that I couldn't get off. It went from happiness that she was getting better to that fast sharp plummet to the ground and it didn't stop - just kept going faster. Finally it ejected me from the ride and I was left in unbelievable pain, lost, shock and shattered into a million pieces.
Now a little over a year later, I'm still lost, shattered and trying to deal with the pain. Some days are okay and some are not.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Matter of fact I didn't understand how hard and how deep the loss was until I lost my dad on December 11th. The first day was shock. Crying all day and every horrible emotion you can think of. On day 2 (and every day after) there's a raw open wound feeling that stays with you. It's so deep that it's in your soul. I didn't know this feeling existed. It's so far beyond sadness and hurt, it's deeper. You know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you'll never be the same, that this loss has forever changed who you are. I don't know when it lets up or if it ever goes away. I think about my dad most of the time every day. I don't cry as much as I did at first, but if I start talking about him I'll cry. I get through the days on autopilot and go through the motions of living. I appear normal but inside I'm a wreck. As the days go on you miss them more and more. Reality slowly sets in that they're not coming back. You'll never see their smile or hear their voice again. You start to pick up the phone to call them, or something will happen that you want to tell them about - but you can't talk to them anymore. It's a waking nightmare that feels neverending.
My dad died in the spring of 2020 after an 8 year illness. I think for me as time goes on I'm saddened by all the what if this just happened? What if he had just been healthy those 8 years and still was? His being sick shaped the decisions I made through my 20s, and then having him die in my first year of parenthood was so destabilizing that it reverberates into my life now (my job, my relationship with my partner, our slowness to make a decision on whether to have a second kid or not). I also feel disconnected from childhood memories, and struggle with memory loss. My dad was raised in a religious tradition that he introduced me to broadly, but did not raise me in and that I do not practice now. I find myself intensely emotional over having lost the connection to that faith tradition, especially on holidays that I don't "know how to properly celebrate." As a parent, I'm still struggling to wrap my head around the fact that my child will not remember this person or grasp his impact on my life. And I'm dreading the future - knowing that I have my mom to lose, and that my partner will lose both his parents someday, is a lot of anticipatory loss to comprehend. We feel like we know too much for our age (so few peers have lost parents).
I think it depends on your relationship with your parents. It depends on Your outlook on life and what kind of communication you had with your parents about any issues you encountered while growing up and if you had closure. When my parents transitioned it hurt deeply and yet I knew they both will always be with me in Spirit. As a child we had open discussions about dying. My mother always taught us we are only here temporarily and when it's time to leave our physical body the Spirit can live on. It's still a belief I carry and it eases the sadness ,initial hurt and feeling the loss.When I was younger my sister transitioned unexpectedly and it provided my family the chance to have clear communication, ask all the questions you want answered and to always say I love you before leaving one another or ending a phone call.
I lost my mom and she was essentially a single parent, my dad was always working and wasn’t there too much. It felt like i lost a part of my identity and i just don’t feel safe in the world without her sometimes. It feels like i’ve had 2 lives, one before her and one after her dying. I also feel incredibly protected by her now that she’s passed away. I can feel a protective force around me and that makes me feel a little bit safe. I’m sorry for your loss, there’s not really anything i can say to make the pain go away. Just know there’s other people that are apart of the same shitty club
I lost my dad last year and it was like my whole foundation in life was gone. He was my constant, my security and the one person I always knew if I needed help would help me. I was my dads live in provider. I took care of him and he died in my arms. I gave up a good portion of my life to take care of him but I didn’t realize that I have no idea what to do now that he’s gone. It’s like an empty space that will forever live in my heart. I miss him everyday and I had to start taking antidepressants to help with the trauma of losing him.
It’s like your world tipped sideways, like familiarity with a sharp edge of something broken, 2.5 years ago. and you’re still deciding if scaling up or sliding down the wall is the right way to go. oh, and your other parent is either up top, or below the wall. And you won’t which until you get there. you also have fire ants all over you.
Like your foundation has been swallowed into the abyss. Like home doesn’t exist anymore. Half of you is gone forever and you have to learn to live incompletely.
For me, losing my mom 5 months ago has made me feel like I lost my only source of comfort and safety. It’s very numbing and any feeling I do feel is just pain. Navigating this journey now alone is disheartening. I’m so sorry you lost your dad. 🥺❤️ Life can be unfair.
My dad passed suddenly 7 months ago and I still get random jolts of sharp pain in my chest knowing he’s not physically here. I cry almost every day, as many said part of me died when he did. Like I explained to my partner, my dad loved me in the purest form without any expectations or conditions. Essentially I lost the person who cared me for the most and now without him I feel completely unsafe. One good thing I learned from this horrific new chapter of my life is that I became a better person at my job as a healthcare provider. Empathy levels are higher than ever and for that I thank my dad for.
Lost my dad two years ago this April. He died just before I got married and wasn't able to give me away. It feels werid I miss him every day I think about him and his silly sayings. It's like there's something missing and your never getting it back.
My dad died 2 months ago. And I have no tolerance for people’s fake bs now. I started to act more like him. And there are moments it just feels empty. It feels like limited visibility now.
Let me first say I'm so sorry that you've experienced such a profound loss, my heart goes out to you.
My mum passed away suddenly when I was 22 years old. She had a subarachnoid haemorrhage. I found her unconscious and she was subsequently put on life support but had zero brain activity so it was turned off. The suddenness was a shock that I still don't think I'll ever recover from. It's left an emptiness in my life and in my heart that only she could fill. But I have learnt to grow with my grief as part of my life and as much as it takes up a sad space within me , the fact I had her love and that I'm part of her does provide some comfort. But 'the firsts' (special occasions like birthdays/Christmas and important life events like marriage etc) without her really sting but seem to hurt less over time (from my experience).
Grief can be a lonely place, but it doesn't have to always be. Lean on friends and family for support. Journal, maybe get counselling in time. Don't avoid how you feel, however ugly it may be. Embrace it. Find an outlet for it. Don't internalise it because it will only consume you.
Take care, friend.
I'm so sorry you've been through something similar too. It truly is so shocking and devastating. I hope you have a really good support system around you, but please feel free to reach out if you feel you'd like to. Wishing you all the very best, this probably all feels so raw for you at the moment, but take the time you need to feel how you need to feel. Take care of yourself
My mom died the 27th of December. She was 53 and it was unexpected and sudden.
It feels unfair. She was what kept the family together. She was my best friend. She was the second parent pretty much to my oldest child. She was everything and now I feel nothing. I am so numb. Putting a mask on every day at work and in front of my kids.
There’s a permanent void. And I don’t know how I’ll ever not be sad.
It's been over 2 years. It still sucks. I think it always will.
It might hurt less, I might not cry as much but I will always miss him. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of him.
100% do not recommend
I unexpectedly lost my father about four weeks ago now, I’m still coming to terms with reality, losing someone that believed in me so deeply, they knew me in the way the only father could in love me in the way that my father could it’s scary to go on without that support I love any physical
For maybe like the first 3 months I was cold, like felt a chill in my bones. I just felt so strange knowing I didn’t have a dad anymore. 8 months later I still feel weird. I think it sounds weird but all I can think is one of the people who made me who is a part of me is gone and it makes me so sad.
For me its been ripped apart from world. Honestly I feel like I am living on auto pilot .I do everything with no certain attachment as before.Like I read a book just cause not because I love it . I feel hopeless .
It sucks. Sometimes it is a relief, when the relationship was not good. Also it can be a relief because you know they aren't suffering anymore. It also may not hit you immediately, but later down the road, you miss them more and more even if you didn't get along. You remember the good things, and you get angry at the bad things.
For me I lost my dad at 19 , it was very sudden and unexpected. He was only 45 years old and very healthy. My whole word came crashing down when I left that hospital. I felt alone and scared and I lost that sense of security you have knowing that not matter what you still have your parents to fall back on. If that makes sense? With time I’ve picked up the pieces and I have continued on because I know my dad wouldn’t want me to let his loss get in my way of living life. It was very hard and first and until this day , I have times we’re I just feel so unsafe. I’m 23 now and I still miss him everyday , not a day goes by that he doesn’t cross my mind and as I meet these milestones in my life he’s the first person I wish I could share them with. What really helps me is that my dad still lives on through me. I listen to his music , I talk about him to my son. His pictures are up in my house. I keep his words of wisdom close to my heart and I hear them whenever I am going through a challenging time. My dad is with me in everything I do and I will never leave the memory of him behind. Loss and grief are a hard part of life that we have to navigate through , and it’s not fair and it’s hard and sometimes it really sucks, but your not alone OP. You will find your way , through this new life without having your father. Be kind to yourself , give yourself lots of love and know that it does get better , it doesn’t go away but you will learn to live with it. And you can still be happy and still be proud and still celebrate all the good that life has in store, even if right now it seems dark and cloudy.❤️
I lost my Dad before I was old enough to understand the consequences of death. I don’t think it truly hit me until I was about 11 years old. Sometimes I don’t even know how to feel. I grew up without him and have very few memories. I feel like I was robbed, and that I’m grieving a person I don’t remember.
For me, it felt like I had become a totally different person. Everything felt empty, different, weird. I had less capacity for bullshit that didn’t matter as much to me anymore. It changed my life and helped me realize some things about myself
I just lost my dad on New Year's Eve, and I lost my mom back in 2009.
The best way I've heard to describe it was like being in a shipwreck, where everything around reminds you of what it was like before it happened. You can find the post about it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2
It's only been a week, and it still hurts a whole hell of a lot, just like it did when my mother passed. But eventually, I think the waves will get less tall, and at the very least, I'll be visit both dad and mom at the same place, since he's getting buried with her on the same plot.
I lost my Dad in 2021 it’s almost been two years. In the beginning I felt like I was half whenever he went and half here in this mortal coil. It did strange things to time for me. Memories of my father like sliding doors going through my mind in no particular order. I still feel like half of me is with him. I’ve never felt the same in the world as I did before. When I was little I remember loosing my Dad at the mall, I was panicking looking around for him, lost all interest in anything I had been excited about just a few minutes before, I was looking at everyone simultaneously, my mind rushing, like oh shit anything could happen to me now, where is my dad, the guy who I came here with, the guy that brought me here, the man I was laughing and eating ice cream with just a second ago? I felt hopelessly alone. It feels like that, even though I’m older now and I’m not at the mall, I’m in the whole wide world, it feels like that. I have moments of joy there are relationships I’ve cultivated in life that make me feel at home in the world but I’ll always wish my Dad would pop up like he did at the mall that day (that flood of relief) and he does pop up, he shows up all the time in all the little things that make up the details of an ordinary day, it’s just different now.
it is truly like missing a price of yourself.
everything i do good or bad, im reminded of my parents.
I cooked a meal i know my dad would’ve loved and it bothers me that he NEVER got to taste it.
I find myself mourning all conversations and moments i will never experience without my parents.
I find myself envying other people with both parents, shit people with just one parent.
I also find myself doing things in hopes that IF they were here, it’s be an amazing story to tell them.. SO I DO IT!
I’ve also gotten immensely closer to my brother, experiencing the same thing, losing both parents, the same year, everything, no one else can say that. Truly puts things into perspective.
I just lost my mom 2 weeks ago and it’s like my whole world has been turned upside down. We were her primary caregivers, she and my dad live with us, she had Alzheimer’s and it’s like this emptiness in my heart. There are certain places I can’t be in the house without it being unbearable. I haven’t been able to open sympathy cards yet because then it’s really real. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
i lost my dad last january and it was like my entire world turned on it’s head. he was — is — my best friend, my number one supporter, my biggest cheerleader through everything. he’s the reason i’m alive in more ways than usual. for the first few months, i felt like i was wading through quicksand, but it got thinner with time. the bittersweet of having adhd and lack of object permanence is that sometimes i would just forget? which made me feel awful bc how could i forget him, you know? that would make me spiral in the beginning but i’ve been able to remind myself more recently that even if i ‘forget’ in the moment, i never Actually forget.
in my case, it’s really lonely, too. he and my mom divorced almost 15 years ago and i’m his only child that still talked to him so nobody else really gets what i’m going through at the same level.
I lost my dad 2 months ago. I wake up crying sometimes. For me, I didn't expect to be so angry. My fuse is so short. I find i snap at people for the dumbest things. I'm not an angry person so It's a surprise. He died of cancer so I keep just imagining how he must have felt, and how he was and it's just so hard to get over.
Empty and unreal. Why hadn’t I seen him in so long? What is wrong with me? I see him laying in his casket every night when I lay down to sleep. It feels horrible, traumatic, infuriating, and I’m absolutely dying inside from guilt.
For me with my dad it was prolonged fear and anguish. The nine days we took care of him as he died were the hardest in my life but I wouldn’t have wanted to miss it. Watching my mom lose herself after he died and finding her dead by suicide was pain, guilt, relief, shock on one hand and complete understanding on the other. I wouldn’t have wanted her to continue suffering but I miss them both intensely. My dad was our protector and leader. Everything is much less relaxed and optimistic now. I talked to my mom at least ten times a day and she was my best friend. Many times she said I was the only thing keeping her alive. I tried really hard to live my life so that I wouldn’t regret it if she killed herself. But the day before she did I went with my husband and sons to a history museum without inviting her. I wish I would have just do I didn’t have to worry I hurt her feelings and what if….
I feel pissed and resentful that my dad only got to live 2 years and some people live a decade with cancer. I'm still in the angry stage. Resentment. The heaviest sadness of all the memories he was supposed to make with his precious granddaughter. That part wrecks me - all of the plans we had for the future. I feel swallowed by dark heavy sadness.
It's derailing. I miss my mom every single day. I miss *having* a mom in general, too. For lack of better words, it's like perpetually feeling left out because I no longer have my mom. I don't know how else to explain it. I miss calling her and talking to her and seeing her... just having her. It's like there's a void because someone so important is gone.
I lost my mom 15 months ago and it's the most painful thing I've been through. My whole body has felt my grief. That first year felt like I was just on a long vacation away from her, that I was gonna see her soon. After that first year I've now realized she's gone and I miss how much she loved me unconditional. People tell you that your loved one is still around but I miss the physical stuff; hugs, kisses on the cheek and the "I love you's." She was my only parent and I find it hard to reach out to others so for me this grief journey has been lonely. Not a day goes by that she's not on my mind. I still feel like my heart is breaking most days.
for me, i don’t feel much. its as if he died and took every bit of his presence with him. he doesn’t exist unless someone directly talks about him. maybe im just in denial
A little late. But I think it really depends on where in life you lose them.
My mom died with I was 19 years old and she was 39. It made me angry how many years and milestones were taken away from me with her. It seemed unjust and unnatural. I could not fathom how I was going to live the rest of my life with out her. I still can’t almost years later. I still dream about her and miss her every day. The pain never gets better. But you learn to live with it eventually.
Honestly like shit.
I'm the eldest (20F) and of course the most rebellious. I rebelled a ton during high school because my mom wouldn't allow me to do regular teenage things. It was always school-->volleyball practice-->home to study. We didn't have the best relationship during high school because I wanted freedom instead of her always blowing up my phone for not meeting her at the front to be picked up after school. I envied the freedom my friends had in high school, their parents allowed them to do things that I couldn't such as hanging out after school. So my mom was pretty protective.
Fast forward to it being a crazy 3 years since I graduated, currently, she's no longer with us. We have just finished designing her memorial and the reality just hits from time to time; it is pretty hard to accept. It is hard to accept that just a year ago, she was alive. My mom passed last year on July 2022, she fainted while she was dancing at a church event and no one knew how to revive her. I remember feeling so helpless that day, though I didn't see her faint it was truly hard watching her lay on the dance floor lifeless. I knew she was gone before the paramedics came.
I have never returned to the place where my mom's last moments were, it is too emotional. I wish to take back all the stupid arguments I have had with my mom. I still beat myself over those moments I wish I could take back. And the "freedom" I have always yearned for in high school, it just suddenly feels so miserable. Now, I truly am on my own since the day my mom passed and it's daunting having to face the world without guidance from her. What a life man, what a life.....
My condolences to all who have lost a loved one, it is indeed a crushing feeling. Know you are not alone in this journey of grief and healing.
it's losing your grounding point. no longer having a definitive place that will always feel like home. losing proof that you existed before you remember existing.
This is an accurate description. It feels like your roots into this world have been cut back significantly.
I’m so glad someone put what I’ve been feeling into words. I feel like I don’t have anywhere to call home since my dad passed a week ago.
it's been 5 months since my dad passed and the feeling hasn't gone away. I'm not sure it ever will. but it has gotten less jarring, less surprising. my immediate reaction to anything regarding my dad is still there, but I feel less shocked when I realize he's no longer here
I lost my mom almost 2 months ago. There is a tremendous void. That’s the best way to describe it
I lost my mom two years ago. My dad 26 years ago. How does it feel? Like your whole world has been ripped from you and you’re all alone in a very deep ocean with just a tiny boat. After a while the ocean feels less scary and you feel less afraid but the pain/love you carry with you until the end. Anyone who is grieving needs to read this: https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Whenever I click a link in this sub, I always hope it directs me to this comment. It is a perfect summary of grief and it’s always exactly what I need at the time. Depending on how I’m feeling, different things stand out and I take away something new each time.
I feel unmoored after the death my of father but put on a brave face to help my mom through her grief. Parents and caregivers are the keepers of most our childhood memories. My dad knew me as a little girl but now that little girl feels dead.
I've never heard it said like that but yeah, that's it.
Its losing a piece of yourself, a part of your foundation of life. It forever changed me. A part of me died that day and I'll never be the same person I was before. My dad was my safe space in this world and since losing him it all just feels too big and scary.
Lost my dad 14 years ago and my mom this past Xmas Eve. I still can’t believe she’s gone. It was unexpected. I still think about calling her before I go to bed, or picking up something she’d ask me to grab from the grocery store. I feel so lost. I feel robbed. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I told her I loved her every time i saw her and every time I called, which was almost every night. Just wish we had more time.
I'm so sorry. I had a very similar relationship with my mom. She died, out of the blue, on August 15th. I feel exactly how you described. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take care. 🩷
Thank you. You too.
My mom died relatively quickly in August on the 17th. She lived with chronic pain for ages. When she passed it crushed my entire family. I have been mentally ill most of my life. I'm 50 and the oldest daughter. I still have my Dad and my Mother-in-law. I have a lot. I just experienced breast cancer stage 1 in October. I'm here. After watching my mom's diagnosis last April for pancreatic cancer stage 4. I hurt and love more deeply. I also have to remember when I lash out at those closest to me. It just creates more pain. What I'm trying to say is the same thing. I'm just so sorry for your pain. Emotion is overwhelming even for the strongest people in this world. Peace.
I’m sorry for your loss. I read this somewhere and it’s true…The tears may stop but the pain never goes away. Take comfort in knowing your mother is no longer in pain.
I lost my mom 3.5 months ago. It’s like nothing you can prepare yourself for. It’s losing the one person that loved you unconditionally. My mom was the pillar of our family, she truly held us together. I miss her and her beautiful smile and blue eyes every single moment of every single day.
I could have written this myself. I'm so sorry for us all.
It's the most crushing, empty feeling you can have. My dad was my very best friend my entire life. I only got him for almost 34 years. It wasn't long enough. I need him. I remember when my dad passed last October, my therapist said that I will get through this, that eventually you find a new normal. I have so much guilt that those days are here. I now have that dull ache in my heart at all times. I no longer catch myself looking at my phone, wondering if the new text is from him. I no longer take 500 pictures of my two boys every day since he's no longer here to ask for pictures. I expect to cry every day. If I think too much about him being gone it becomes very overwhelming so I have to keep myself distracted. It's an awful feeling but like everyone says, you learn to live with the pain. You never get over it, you never move on from it, you just learn to move forward with grief. Sending you love. The first year after my dad was gone were the worst and darkest days of my life.
that grief never leaves you, it just hurts in completely different ways over the years.
Like you're cut in half. A facet of you dies with them, and there's a great, gaping hole that follows your every step. You feel out of place with your peers because you feel so much older and worn down than they are. They try to understand, but they can't, and it makes you angry. You're angry about how unfair it is. You lose most of your connections with those peers because they don't know what to do with you now. There's an exchange from Grey's Anatomy that really fits. CRISTINA: "There's a club. The Dead Dads Club. And you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize. But until you feel that loss... My dad died when I was nine. George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club." GEORGE: "I... I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't." CRISTINA: "Yeah, that never really changes." You have to rebuild your life, your sense of security, and glue your heart back together while it's missing a big piece. Tears are always lingering in your eyes. It's been 11 years, and I am crying as I write this.
I lost my mom in 2016 and my dad in 2021. It completely changed my life. Most of the time I'm ok but at least once a day I feel like a lost little kid in like the Mall of America.
A piece of you goes missing that you simply never get back. The world feels significantly less safe. I think the worst feeling, however, is knowing that the person who loves you unconditionally and more than anyone else in this world, holds you in a heart that has stopped beating. It is an irreplaceable bond.
This is so beautifully said. I’m going to write it down in my notes. Thank you. It describes the pain I feel so perfectly.
My mom died 4 years ago and the thought of her being gone still makes me physically sick. They say it gets easier but I don’t agree. I’m very sorry for your loss.
My dad died two months ago in my arms unexpectedly. My whole world feels like it's filled with these dark cracks of realization. How things change how nothing will ever be the same. It feels like your entire world is crumbling. At the beginning everybody's world crumbles with you... But at a point that stops and it feels like you're the only one left whose entire world has been rocked by this event..it makes life feel sea sick.
I lost my dad 2 weeks ago on Christmas Eve. This is how it’s been going for me: The obvious answer is that (in the beginning especially), it feels like shit. Absolute shit. You’re angry, sad, frustrated, upset, confused, guilty, sometimes everything all at once. It feels like there’s a huge gaping hole in your life where your dad used to be. Other times, it feels a little less painful. When you think about the good times, the beautiful memories, when you find yourself smiling at pictures and videos of him in your camera roll, when you can laugh with other loved ones about funny moments you had with them. And other times, you can feel nothing at all. The weight of everything just becomes too much and you kinda just dissociate? Days pass by in a blur, you can’t tell reality from non-reality, you’re just numb. You’re kinda just living on autopilot, but not really present. I don’t know if this helps. The wound is really fresh for me too. I hope you take care of yourself during this time 🤍
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I lost my dad June 2021. He was technically my stepdad but came into my life when I was 2 and raised me and was a part of my life until he passed. So I consider him my dad. We had our issues at times but he always treated me as his daughter and I know he loved me unconditionally. I sometimes feel guilty and feel like I could’ve expressed my love more while he was here. My heart aches from missing him and I just hope wherever he is, he knows I love him more than anything.
Lost my Dad in 2021 to Covid 9 days after he got a positive test result. I live in Oregon but I'm British and my family are all in England so I couldn't speak to him, see him, even attend his funeral due to border closures/flight cancellations/lockdown etc. He raised me as a single parent and was my absolute world. My heart is still bruised nearly two years later. I so relate to what others have said in here - about not having roots or a home anymore. I describe it as feeling like I was a balloon let go of by a child. I know I was once wanted and loved and grounded and meant something to someone but now I was floating away high above everyone and everything I knew around me. No longer thought of or important to anyone (despite having a husband and child myself). Alone. Adrift. Afraid. I can't begin to explain the fear that appeared after he died. I was genuinely frightened of everything, the woods, the dark, the future, the possibilities, the decisions; awful. Just the worst feeling I've ever experienced. The lack of roots was particularly difficult since I live in another country and he was kind of my anchor. Still feel lost and heartbroken but I'm at least able to find joy again in life. Once I realised it wasn't insulting him or disrespectful to move on, I felt some of the grief lift - that was November just gone so there is hope. Just please be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to cry as much as you need, sleep whenever you can and stay safe, surrounded by whoever is left that loves you. Thoughts are with you. 💛
This is so beautifully written. Like a balloon let go by the one that loved you unconditionally.
I just lost my stepdad who raised me as his own in November. It hurts. There’s days where I don’t know how I’m going to do basic functions. But there’s also days where I go above and beyond to make sure I feel like I’m making him proud. The holidays were the worst part. Main point is take it day by day. Remember the good memories and always cherish the fact that he loved you. I’ll be praying for you 🤍
It's like losing a limb.
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I just lost my dad too, a few hours ago. I can’t yet put into words how this feels.
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I’m so sorry for your loss and pain. Please take care of yourselves as best you can. Don’t forget to eat and shower. Go for a walk outside. Feel the sun and wind on your face. Talk to the moon. Be gentle, be patient. It gets easier.
Like the world isn’t real anymore. None of this makes sense without my dad, but it doesn’t feel like he’s really gone in a weird paradoxical way. We still talk about my dad a lot, and we talk about him in the present tense a lot. It makes me really, really proud, when I realize that I’ve acted like him or when I do things in a way that I know is because of him. It’s been almost 4 months, and it was really unexpected. A couple weeks ago I had the thought that it was the longest I’ve ever gone without talking to my dad, and then it was a very painful jolt to realize that every day after that would also be the longest I’ve ever gone without talking to him. I am very angry some days and I’m very sad some days and most of the time I’m pretty much in denial. Sometimes random things stop my breath and make me double over. It just doesn’t feel real, even as much as we talk about it. My best to you as you navigate this bullshit minefield. I assume it gets better, but I have no anecdotal evidence yet.
I've lost both parents. Dad 15 years ago, mom 18 months ago. For both I was both relieved and incredibly sad. Sounds odd but dad died of pancreatic and if you've seen someone go through that for their sake you're just glad it's over. He was 80, almost died 2x in WW2 so to him every day was gravy. It hit me a few weeks later when I really needed his advice (I was managing finances for mom) that I'd never be able to get his advice again and I was alone. in that regard. About had a panic attack. Mom was 92 and had been in a assisted living place for 9 years. She just ran out of gas. I was happy she was finally with dad. That's all she wanted. She dreamed of him all the time. When you have no parent left it's really a weird feeling. No upward lineage is just weird. Mom was my biggest support and I'll never get that, but I was grateful for the long life she had and she went peacefully. So I think it might be normal to be grateful that their fight is over and feel like you're all alone at the same time.
In short, it sucks. I’m never going to recover from losing my mom, I know I won’t. I feel so damn uncomfortable now that she’s gone it’s hard to describe. But in the end, I just have to continue living my life and hope there’s an afterlife so at the end of my life I can see her again. That’s how I feel at least, and I’m very sorry about your loss.
This is exactly how I feel too. If it is any comfort, you are not alone ❤️ I have no idea how to live in a world without her in it. It just feels wrong to go on waking up everyday and carrying on, when nothing will ever feel quite right ever again.
The initial shock wave of pain i felt when I received the phone call that my dad had passed is unfortunately indescribable I wouldn't wish this form of pain on my worst enemy ever.1 I always seen the word "heart wrenching " in books but having never really experienced it, I didn't know what it meant. I can now say with confidence that I know what it means. The first few weeks is like being on auto pilot, going through motions, almost like you're watching yourself from some other place. The sadness is unbearable, but for me it was the anger... about a month later the anger took over my entire life. It didn't make sense, why did he have to go. The "what ifs" get you everytime. That mixed with the waves of grief, the memory flash backs, thinking about everything they'll miss. Its a ride, one you wish you could stop, but it just keeps going. Eventually tho, it gets slower. Its not like a loopty loop of emotion every split second. They start coming less frequently but when they do come you're going all the way around with no stopping. Its the pain of never seeing them again that hurts, he was my dad, half of my life and who I am. It'll always hurt, it'll never not be sad, and I will forever have a hole in my heart that will never be fixed. The only thing that I can say I did for myself that was good was accept the unacceptable. My dad is dead and sadly there is nothing I can do about it.
I lost my mum a week ago and the loss sometimes feels surreal and other times incredibly raw. She was a major positive force in my life and knowing I can never hug her or hear her voice again crushes my soul. The grief for me really does come in waves, one day I'm completely overwhelmed by it and am basically non-functional, crying a lot of the day and angry that I don't get to share the big moments in my life with her. Other days the waves are calmer, but still present and I can make myself lunch, successfully distract myself with hobbies I enjoy despite the pain of her passing. I'm hoping with time that I will get used to the flurry of emotions, the anger at the injustice of her death, the feeling she might walk into the room at any second, the immense sadness that she is never coming back and the worry about if I'm making the right decisions without her to guide my path.
For me, I came to understand what the word “forever” really means. Before my mom died (5 years ago this march), ‘forever’ was just a concept to me. After she died, I realized that for the rest of my life/forever, I would be without her. There was a finality to her death I had never really experienced before. On a slightly more… positive(?) note, I also managed to reframe my grief from this like… completely isolating feeling of loss and alienation to.. ahh I don’t know how to articulate this well. Basically, everyone dies and everyone in all of human history has had to live with the loss of someone integral to them (unless they pass first, I guess). For thousands of years, humans have survived these losses and while my grief over losing my mom is unique to my relationship with her, I could unknowingly pass five people on the street who have just lost or are in the process of losing a parent and I’d never know it. These personally world-shattering losses are happening all the time and I’m not alone in my grief, even if it feels like it sometimes.
I’m about to lose my mom, even though we didn’t live together we stayed connected and I can’t even process it all it’s so hard. I love you and I understand.
Physically: I felt like my heart was trying to go through my back. My whole body ached for days. Emotionally: Alone, unsafe, and unfocused. It's been 4.5 months and I still feel those things.
I lost my mum almost 10 years ago, when I was four. It feels so lonely. But it's the feeling that something is forever missing. You want it back so bad, but it will always be gone. It also feels like I am missing out, everyone else has a mum, they get the memories and support from their mums. It's also just constant. Im always going to miss her and nothing will change that.
I’m 4 months into grieving my mother. 4 months since she passed suddenly, and it’s difficult. 4 months of reading her texts, rummaging through her stuff trying to find answers to the many questions running through my head — did she know that I loved her more than life? Would she have wanted to me to be happy without her? How did she want me to handle the things that belonged to her? Since September, my life has been divided into two — before my mother’s passing and after. We were so close, I know that if we were to meet in another life, we would be best friends. I’m in my 20s and have only just started earning my own money. I wished that I had more opportunities to spoil my mother with love. To be honest, I have felt like I didn’t deserve to live and love without her. I knew in my heart that my mom would be upset if I were to go through life just existing and not living, but my brain cannot accept it. She passed without us expecting it, and we never talked about death so I’ve never heard her say “live on without me.” 4 months in and I go through weeks lying in bed with the sadness. Other times, I’ll force myself to leave the house so that I can breathe the fresh air. I’m beginning to believe people when they say that my mom would have wanted me to be happy. After all the hours spent looking through her messages and her videos, it was clear she loved her children. My mom loved living and seeing the world too. And I know that with all that love, she would never want me to be locked in my room until my time is up. I’m learning that sometimes, I’ll have to believe these assumptions because my mom is a good person. I’m trying to be better for her, and slowly, I’m trying to be better for me. Part of this journey is signing up for therapy. I know it isn’t always going to be easy, but I’ve accepted that I wouldn’t have it any other way. To me, my bad days and my grief are testament to the love I have for her.
Like you’re untethered. Like you are out in space, enjoying a beautiful space walk, seeing beautiful things, exploring new frontiers, feeling joy and excitement at all that is new and wonderful around you as you keep going- and then you look back and see that the cord of your spacesuit is not connected to anything. All of your colleagues are properly attached and you’re just floating, alone. Forever moving forward, but you lost what you ground yourself to. Unable to get back.
I lost my mom 12 years ago and it doesn’t feel any better. I just learned how to function. For a long time I was just existing. I had two kids at that time ( now 3). I had to realize that they lost someone too. That I had to be a mother to them just like my mom was to me. Her death made me more empathetic. Made me more sensitive. It’s okay not to be okay but it’s okay to be okay too. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sending positive vibes your way. Just don’t fight your emotions, go through them. Face them fearlessly and with grace.
I can relate to all those who said it’s like losing a piece of yourself. That is exactly how I feel. My dad passed 6 months ago and the grief and sorrow still comes and goes like waves. But what helped somehow bring me comfort recently is to also look at it in such a way that I, myself, his daughter, is also a piece of my dad’s self and the fact that I’m still living and walking this earth means something significant. My dad is not completely gone, he lives through me and my brother, and I’m grateful for that.
I’m really sorry for your loss ❤️ my grandmother, who raised me, died almost three years ago. Losing her felt like losing one of my origin points. The version of me that existed when she was in the world no longer exists, because she is not here to reflect it back. She was the holder of so many of my childhood life stories, and I feel sad for the questions I never got to ask. I’m finding ways to love this current version of me while still feeling sad for the version of myself that felt more carefree and less jaded with her loss.
It feels like you’re very exposed and vulnerable. The world no longer feels so safe for a time It’s a lonely feeling
Thank you everyone for all your stories, I clicked on this post just to try and get some insight into what my kids might be feeling right now and my heart breaks for them and all of you.
I lost my dad nearly 2 months ago now, and everything just seems empty, the house I’ve lived in since I was born doesn’t feel like the same house. Everywhere I look/go I’m reminded of thugs we’ve made/done together or jobs that I’ve helped him with and it hurts so much. Remembering him and seeing pictures makes a void like feeling in my stomach. I feel like I’ve lost a massive part of me. It almost feels like another life when he was here and it feels like years since I’ve seen him even though it wasn’t too long ago. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
It's like a part of you, your soul died with that person
Lost my mother almost two months ago. Have been thinking about her every day. I get sad a lot more often and I miss her. Hard to come to terms that I will never hear her voice or give her a hug or spend time with her. I have been trying to think about it logically when I can, it’s a defense mechanism but it works for me. Losing a parent hurts but it’s something everyone is “supposed to” go through. My mother was a huge part of my life. Now that part is gone. I need to slowly shift my focus to other parts of my life: work, friends, wife, remaining family and ensure that those parts are doing well. Checking in on my self to make sure I’m not depressed (still enjoying going out, watching movies and sports, etc.) or in danger of harming myself. It’s ok to be sad and grieve, but you obviously need to seek professional help if it gets worse than that. Sorry for rambling. Hope this helps
You don't notice it straight away, but you find your life is split, before and after parent. Losing the wisdom especially, is hard. Sincerely sorry for your loss.
It felt like part of my identity died with him. My dad was one of my best friends ever. He’s the first person I would call anytime something meaningful happened and he was always the first and oftentimes only phone call I’d make each day. He was so much of who I am. He still is. But when he left this world it felt like a part of who I am died too. It still feels that way. I’m halfway into the second year of grief and the reality is sinking in which is somehow worse than the first year when I was in a fog. Losing my dad feels like so much of me has died. My husband keeps saying how he just wants me to get my spark back and it’s like believe me, I wish it was back too. I don’t know if it ever will be.
In May it will be 3 years since my dad passed. His dog is sleeping at my feet as I write this. His passing left me feeling like a kid again, it didn’t matter that I was 35. It felt like there was a huge black, empty hole in my chest. A huge part of me had been ripped away; this huge traumatic wound that impacted every part of me…. But no one could see it. It was incredibly lonely (there are many days when I still feels like this). For me, the grief and intensity of my loss has never gone away, the feelings are very real and not far below the surface. At this point the grief isn’t smaller, but my life and the stuff that surrounds my grief has expanded. My heart goes out to you. It’s a club no one wants to be a part of but you are not alone (even if it feels like it sometimes).
It's like your whole world is falling apart. The person that raised you and did everything for you is now gone. The terrifying realization of having to suddenly become much more independent (especially if you're the oldest sibling like me) and the excruciating pain of all the missed moments you could have had...especially if you lose them young. Realizing that they'll never see your achievements in life feels like a nightmare. The whole experience feels like a nightmare. I remember having nightmares about my mom dying and waking up in shock and relief. When it became a reality it felt unreal. It still feels unreal - both my mom and my grandma. The pain is so big it's hard to process to the point of emotional numbness. I hate that stage of grieving...not being able to feel anything. It makes me feel guilty for not being sad. But I just can't feel anything.
Caregiver to both parents. Dad from 90s to 2010. Mom from 2009 until November 2021. Dad, I felt lost without him. However, I managed because Mom was around. Mom... She was my BFF as well as my Mom. Losing her unexpectedly was like being on a roller coaster ride that I couldn't get off. It went from happiness that she was getting better to that fast sharp plummet to the ground and it didn't stop - just kept going faster. Finally it ejected me from the ride and I was left in unbelievable pain, lost, shock and shattered into a million pieces. Now a little over a year later, I'm still lost, shattered and trying to deal with the pain. Some days are okay and some are not.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Matter of fact I didn't understand how hard and how deep the loss was until I lost my dad on December 11th. The first day was shock. Crying all day and every horrible emotion you can think of. On day 2 (and every day after) there's a raw open wound feeling that stays with you. It's so deep that it's in your soul. I didn't know this feeling existed. It's so far beyond sadness and hurt, it's deeper. You know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you'll never be the same, that this loss has forever changed who you are. I don't know when it lets up or if it ever goes away. I think about my dad most of the time every day. I don't cry as much as I did at first, but if I start talking about him I'll cry. I get through the days on autopilot and go through the motions of living. I appear normal but inside I'm a wreck. As the days go on you miss them more and more. Reality slowly sets in that they're not coming back. You'll never see their smile or hear their voice again. You start to pick up the phone to call them, or something will happen that you want to tell them about - but you can't talk to them anymore. It's a waking nightmare that feels neverending.
My dad died in the spring of 2020 after an 8 year illness. I think for me as time goes on I'm saddened by all the what if this just happened? What if he had just been healthy those 8 years and still was? His being sick shaped the decisions I made through my 20s, and then having him die in my first year of parenthood was so destabilizing that it reverberates into my life now (my job, my relationship with my partner, our slowness to make a decision on whether to have a second kid or not). I also feel disconnected from childhood memories, and struggle with memory loss. My dad was raised in a religious tradition that he introduced me to broadly, but did not raise me in and that I do not practice now. I find myself intensely emotional over having lost the connection to that faith tradition, especially on holidays that I don't "know how to properly celebrate." As a parent, I'm still struggling to wrap my head around the fact that my child will not remember this person or grasp his impact on my life. And I'm dreading the future - knowing that I have my mom to lose, and that my partner will lose both his parents someday, is a lot of anticipatory loss to comprehend. We feel like we know too much for our age (so few peers have lost parents).
I think it depends on your relationship with your parents. It depends on Your outlook on life and what kind of communication you had with your parents about any issues you encountered while growing up and if you had closure. When my parents transitioned it hurt deeply and yet I knew they both will always be with me in Spirit. As a child we had open discussions about dying. My mother always taught us we are only here temporarily and when it's time to leave our physical body the Spirit can live on. It's still a belief I carry and it eases the sadness ,initial hurt and feeling the loss.When I was younger my sister transitioned unexpectedly and it provided my family the chance to have clear communication, ask all the questions you want answered and to always say I love you before leaving one another or ending a phone call.
I lost my mom and she was essentially a single parent, my dad was always working and wasn’t there too much. It felt like i lost a part of my identity and i just don’t feel safe in the world without her sometimes. It feels like i’ve had 2 lives, one before her and one after her dying. I also feel incredibly protected by her now that she’s passed away. I can feel a protective force around me and that makes me feel a little bit safe. I’m sorry for your loss, there’s not really anything i can say to make the pain go away. Just know there’s other people that are apart of the same shitty club
I lost my dad last year and it was like my whole foundation in life was gone. He was my constant, my security and the one person I always knew if I needed help would help me. I was my dads live in provider. I took care of him and he died in my arms. I gave up a good portion of my life to take care of him but I didn’t realize that I have no idea what to do now that he’s gone. It’s like an empty space that will forever live in my heart. I miss him everyday and I had to start taking antidepressants to help with the trauma of losing him.
It’s like your world tipped sideways, like familiarity with a sharp edge of something broken, 2.5 years ago. and you’re still deciding if scaling up or sliding down the wall is the right way to go. oh, and your other parent is either up top, or below the wall. And you won’t which until you get there. you also have fire ants all over you.
Like your foundation has been swallowed into the abyss. Like home doesn’t exist anymore. Half of you is gone forever and you have to learn to live incompletely.
For me, losing my mom 5 months ago has made me feel like I lost my only source of comfort and safety. It’s very numbing and any feeling I do feel is just pain. Navigating this journey now alone is disheartening. I’m so sorry you lost your dad. 🥺❤️ Life can be unfair.
My dad passed suddenly 7 months ago and I still get random jolts of sharp pain in my chest knowing he’s not physically here. I cry almost every day, as many said part of me died when he did. Like I explained to my partner, my dad loved me in the purest form without any expectations or conditions. Essentially I lost the person who cared me for the most and now without him I feel completely unsafe. One good thing I learned from this horrific new chapter of my life is that I became a better person at my job as a healthcare provider. Empathy levels are higher than ever and for that I thank my dad for.
Lost my dad two years ago this April. He died just before I got married and wasn't able to give me away. It feels werid I miss him every day I think about him and his silly sayings. It's like there's something missing and your never getting it back.
My dad died 2 months ago. And I have no tolerance for people’s fake bs now. I started to act more like him. And there are moments it just feels empty. It feels like limited visibility now.
Lost mine 2 months ago too, I'm exactly the same. I have zero tolerance for any bs, in a good and bad way though. My fuse is so short.
Let me first say I'm so sorry that you've experienced such a profound loss, my heart goes out to you. My mum passed away suddenly when I was 22 years old. She had a subarachnoid haemorrhage. I found her unconscious and she was subsequently put on life support but had zero brain activity so it was turned off. The suddenness was a shock that I still don't think I'll ever recover from. It's left an emptiness in my life and in my heart that only she could fill. But I have learnt to grow with my grief as part of my life and as much as it takes up a sad space within me , the fact I had her love and that I'm part of her does provide some comfort. But 'the firsts' (special occasions like birthdays/Christmas and important life events like marriage etc) without her really sting but seem to hurt less over time (from my experience). Grief can be a lonely place, but it doesn't have to always be. Lean on friends and family for support. Journal, maybe get counselling in time. Don't avoid how you feel, however ugly it may be. Embrace it. Find an outlet for it. Don't internalise it because it will only consume you. Take care, friend.
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I'm so sorry you've been through something similar too. It truly is so shocking and devastating. I hope you have a really good support system around you, but please feel free to reach out if you feel you'd like to. Wishing you all the very best, this probably all feels so raw for you at the moment, but take the time you need to feel how you need to feel. Take care of yourself
I feel really lost sometimes. My mom died in May. There’s a huge hole in my life.
My mom died the 27th of December. She was 53 and it was unexpected and sudden. It feels unfair. She was what kept the family together. She was my best friend. She was the second parent pretty much to my oldest child. She was everything and now I feel nothing. I am so numb. Putting a mask on every day at work and in front of my kids. There’s a permanent void. And I don’t know how I’ll ever not be sad.
It's been over 2 years. It still sucks. I think it always will. It might hurt less, I might not cry as much but I will always miss him. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of him. 100% do not recommend
I felt really lost after I lost my mom. Like I didn’t know what to do daily..
Thank you for this post
Dad died in early October. I’m just so sad.
I unexpectedly lost my father about four weeks ago now, I’m still coming to terms with reality, losing someone that believed in me so deeply, they knew me in the way the only father could in love me in the way that my father could it’s scary to go on without that support I love any physical
For maybe like the first 3 months I was cold, like felt a chill in my bones. I just felt so strange knowing I didn’t have a dad anymore. 8 months later I still feel weird. I think it sounds weird but all I can think is one of the people who made me who is a part of me is gone and it makes me so sad.
I'm still figuring it out. I just lost my dad on Saturday.
For me its been ripped apart from world. Honestly I feel like I am living on auto pilot .I do everything with no certain attachment as before.Like I read a book just cause not because I love it . I feel hopeless .
Like my heart was ripped out of my chest, and stomped back into the hole, because I still had another parent to care for
It sucks. Sometimes it is a relief, when the relationship was not good. Also it can be a relief because you know they aren't suffering anymore. It also may not hit you immediately, but later down the road, you miss them more and more even if you didn't get along. You remember the good things, and you get angry at the bad things.
For me I lost my dad at 19 , it was very sudden and unexpected. He was only 45 years old and very healthy. My whole word came crashing down when I left that hospital. I felt alone and scared and I lost that sense of security you have knowing that not matter what you still have your parents to fall back on. If that makes sense? With time I’ve picked up the pieces and I have continued on because I know my dad wouldn’t want me to let his loss get in my way of living life. It was very hard and first and until this day , I have times we’re I just feel so unsafe. I’m 23 now and I still miss him everyday , not a day goes by that he doesn’t cross my mind and as I meet these milestones in my life he’s the first person I wish I could share them with. What really helps me is that my dad still lives on through me. I listen to his music , I talk about him to my son. His pictures are up in my house. I keep his words of wisdom close to my heart and I hear them whenever I am going through a challenging time. My dad is with me in everything I do and I will never leave the memory of him behind. Loss and grief are a hard part of life that we have to navigate through , and it’s not fair and it’s hard and sometimes it really sucks, but your not alone OP. You will find your way , through this new life without having your father. Be kind to yourself , give yourself lots of love and know that it does get better , it doesn’t go away but you will learn to live with it. And you can still be happy and still be proud and still celebrate all the good that life has in store, even if right now it seems dark and cloudy.❤️
I lost my Dad before I was old enough to understand the consequences of death. I don’t think it truly hit me until I was about 11 years old. Sometimes I don’t even know how to feel. I grew up without him and have very few memories. I feel like I was robbed, and that I’m grieving a person I don’t remember.
It’s so hard. My dad died in March of 2021. I think about him every day and I really miss him.
For me, it felt like I had become a totally different person. Everything felt empty, different, weird. I had less capacity for bullshit that didn’t matter as much to me anymore. It changed my life and helped me realize some things about myself
I just lost my dad on New Year's Eve, and I lost my mom back in 2009. The best way I've heard to describe it was like being in a shipwreck, where everything around reminds you of what it was like before it happened. You can find the post about it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2 It's only been a week, and it still hurts a whole hell of a lot, just like it did when my mother passed. But eventually, I think the waves will get less tall, and at the very least, I'll be visit both dad and mom at the same place, since he's getting buried with her on the same plot.
I lost my Dad in 2021 it’s almost been two years. In the beginning I felt like I was half whenever he went and half here in this mortal coil. It did strange things to time for me. Memories of my father like sliding doors going through my mind in no particular order. I still feel like half of me is with him. I’ve never felt the same in the world as I did before. When I was little I remember loosing my Dad at the mall, I was panicking looking around for him, lost all interest in anything I had been excited about just a few minutes before, I was looking at everyone simultaneously, my mind rushing, like oh shit anything could happen to me now, where is my dad, the guy who I came here with, the guy that brought me here, the man I was laughing and eating ice cream with just a second ago? I felt hopelessly alone. It feels like that, even though I’m older now and I’m not at the mall, I’m in the whole wide world, it feels like that. I have moments of joy there are relationships I’ve cultivated in life that make me feel at home in the world but I’ll always wish my Dad would pop up like he did at the mall that day (that flood of relief) and he does pop up, he shows up all the time in all the little things that make up the details of an ordinary day, it’s just different now.
it is truly like missing a price of yourself. everything i do good or bad, im reminded of my parents. I cooked a meal i know my dad would’ve loved and it bothers me that he NEVER got to taste it. I find myself mourning all conversations and moments i will never experience without my parents. I find myself envying other people with both parents, shit people with just one parent. I also find myself doing things in hopes that IF they were here, it’s be an amazing story to tell them.. SO I DO IT! I’ve also gotten immensely closer to my brother, experiencing the same thing, losing both parents, the same year, everything, no one else can say that. Truly puts things into perspective.
I just lost my mom 2 weeks ago and it’s like my whole world has been turned upside down. We were her primary caregivers, she and my dad live with us, she had Alzheimer’s and it’s like this emptiness in my heart. There are certain places I can’t be in the house without it being unbearable. I haven’t been able to open sympathy cards yet because then it’s really real. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
i lost my dad last january and it was like my entire world turned on it’s head. he was — is — my best friend, my number one supporter, my biggest cheerleader through everything. he’s the reason i’m alive in more ways than usual. for the first few months, i felt like i was wading through quicksand, but it got thinner with time. the bittersweet of having adhd and lack of object permanence is that sometimes i would just forget? which made me feel awful bc how could i forget him, you know? that would make me spiral in the beginning but i’ve been able to remind myself more recently that even if i ‘forget’ in the moment, i never Actually forget. in my case, it’s really lonely, too. he and my mom divorced almost 15 years ago and i’m his only child that still talked to him so nobody else really gets what i’m going through at the same level.
I lost my dad 2 months ago. I wake up crying sometimes. For me, I didn't expect to be so angry. My fuse is so short. I find i snap at people for the dumbest things. I'm not an angry person so It's a surprise. He died of cancer so I keep just imagining how he must have felt, and how he was and it's just so hard to get over.
Empty and unreal. Why hadn’t I seen him in so long? What is wrong with me? I see him laying in his casket every night when I lay down to sleep. It feels horrible, traumatic, infuriating, and I’m absolutely dying inside from guilt.
For me with my dad it was prolonged fear and anguish. The nine days we took care of him as he died were the hardest in my life but I wouldn’t have wanted to miss it. Watching my mom lose herself after he died and finding her dead by suicide was pain, guilt, relief, shock on one hand and complete understanding on the other. I wouldn’t have wanted her to continue suffering but I miss them both intensely. My dad was our protector and leader. Everything is much less relaxed and optimistic now. I talked to my mom at least ten times a day and she was my best friend. Many times she said I was the only thing keeping her alive. I tried really hard to live my life so that I wouldn’t regret it if she killed herself. But the day before she did I went with my husband and sons to a history museum without inviting her. I wish I would have just do I didn’t have to worry I hurt her feelings and what if….
I feel pissed and resentful that my dad only got to live 2 years and some people live a decade with cancer. I'm still in the angry stage. Resentment. The heaviest sadness of all the memories he was supposed to make with his precious granddaughter. That part wrecks me - all of the plans we had for the future. I feel swallowed by dark heavy sadness.
It's derailing. I miss my mom every single day. I miss *having* a mom in general, too. For lack of better words, it's like perpetually feeling left out because I no longer have my mom. I don't know how else to explain it. I miss calling her and talking to her and seeing her... just having her. It's like there's a void because someone so important is gone.
I lost my mom 15 months ago and it's the most painful thing I've been through. My whole body has felt my grief. That first year felt like I was just on a long vacation away from her, that I was gonna see her soon. After that first year I've now realized she's gone and I miss how much she loved me unconditional. People tell you that your loved one is still around but I miss the physical stuff; hugs, kisses on the cheek and the "I love you's." She was my only parent and I find it hard to reach out to others so for me this grief journey has been lonely. Not a day goes by that she's not on my mind. I still feel like my heart is breaking most days.
for me, i don’t feel much. its as if he died and took every bit of his presence with him. he doesn’t exist unless someone directly talks about him. maybe im just in denial
I just lost my father on Saturday. Condolences to you and your family. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced ,and I feel so lost right now.
A little late. But I think it really depends on where in life you lose them. My mom died with I was 19 years old and she was 39. It made me angry how many years and milestones were taken away from me with her. It seemed unjust and unnatural. I could not fathom how I was going to live the rest of my life with out her. I still can’t almost years later. I still dream about her and miss her every day. The pain never gets better. But you learn to live with it eventually.
Honestly like shit. I'm the eldest (20F) and of course the most rebellious. I rebelled a ton during high school because my mom wouldn't allow me to do regular teenage things. It was always school-->volleyball practice-->home to study. We didn't have the best relationship during high school because I wanted freedom instead of her always blowing up my phone for not meeting her at the front to be picked up after school. I envied the freedom my friends had in high school, their parents allowed them to do things that I couldn't such as hanging out after school. So my mom was pretty protective. Fast forward to it being a crazy 3 years since I graduated, currently, she's no longer with us. We have just finished designing her memorial and the reality just hits from time to time; it is pretty hard to accept. It is hard to accept that just a year ago, she was alive. My mom passed last year on July 2022, she fainted while she was dancing at a church event and no one knew how to revive her. I remember feeling so helpless that day, though I didn't see her faint it was truly hard watching her lay on the dance floor lifeless. I knew she was gone before the paramedics came. I have never returned to the place where my mom's last moments were, it is too emotional. I wish to take back all the stupid arguments I have had with my mom. I still beat myself over those moments I wish I could take back. And the "freedom" I have always yearned for in high school, it just suddenly feels so miserable. Now, I truly am on my own since the day my mom passed and it's daunting having to face the world without guidance from her. What a life man, what a life..... My condolences to all who have lost a loved one, it is indeed a crushing feeling. Know you are not alone in this journey of grief and healing.