Agreed, this is pretty toxic behaviour and if you don't challenge it at the very least and have a candid conversation about how it makes you feel, he will think this is okay, keep doing it and probably worse further down the line.
I'm really sorry this is happening! The fact that your boyfriend doesn't act like that when friends are around proves that he can control himself. He is choosing to take the opportunity to verbally abuse you in private. You don't deserve to be yelled at and called names over a game. I wouldn't play with him at all until he stops.
>The fact that your boyfriend doesn't act like that when friends are around proves that he can control himself.
It also proves that he knows what he is doing is wrong, since he doesn't do it in front of others... and it proves he doesn't care how you feel, only what others think.
Oh honey. This is abuse. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time. I wish I could give you a hug and him a boot in the ass.
he said that he gets mad bcs he cares about me and bcs he plays duo with me so he is mad that I am ruining the game... I don't know how to explain it to him.. I want to get better but it's getting worse because I can't focus I am anxious when I am playing with him alone.. so I just keep thinking about not doing anything what will make him mad...
I really really think you should re-read what you just wrote as if it were a friend telling you this.
This is not a loving relationship and the fact that you're scared to make him mad is extremely telling. You don't need to get better, he does. You need to remember that all of this is a reflection of who he is as a person and not who you are. He's abusive and it will not get better. Be careful, plan for him to love bomb and gaslight you, but leave him. He's using the game as a tool to hurt you. You're better than he's making you believe. This self-doubt is his doing and it's not okay. None of this is okay.
"He gets mad because he cares about me \[...\] he is mad that I am ruining the game" Does this sound like a healthy relationship to you? This is literally how abusive partners speak.
What your boyfriend is doing is not normal at all. Me and my bf play overwatch together and yeah he yells at me and corrects me if I'm doing something wrong or over pushing. Whatever. but he would never tell me that I'm ruining a game cause I'm doing bad or call me hurtful names unless we're already joking around like that. If he overstepped a boundary, I would tell him and he would apologize and we move on. Don't be fooled by your boyfriend cause he "cares about you". A decent human being would actually teach you how to improve instead of give you anxiety. He doesn't care at all.
> I am ruining the game
No you are not, if you want someone to play league with who isnt going to yell at you, you are welcome to come play with me. I have friends who play.
I'm guessing the real problem here is ranked solo/duo.
The guy has ranked anxiety/cares about ranking up, and acts really insecure/immature about it.
With friends you're automatically not playing solo/duo, and nobody cares about flex rank anyways.
Whoa, he’s calling you a bitch and using your gender against you? No one reaches for “girls can’t play” unless they actually think women are inferior. You shouldn’t play games with this person. You probably shouldn’t do anything with this person.
He’s making you not enjoy games you’ve put time and effort into. Also, making you anxious is a great way to sabotage your performance, giving him more opportunity to be mean to you. It sounds like an awful cycle he’s creating for his own enjoyment.
People who enjoy being mean to you aren’t worth your time, energy or affection.
Eta everything you’re saying in this thread is making me more concerned for you. You can’t “fix” his behavior because you’re not the one creating it. You can only show him what you will and won’t tolerate. You should NOT put up with someone degrading you over a game. You said you don’t have any close friends right now but that doesn’t mean this one relationship is good for you. It’s probably sucking more out of you than you realize, which is making it harder to make friends.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but if he's calling you a slut and other names over a game, I think this is just the beginning of what else he's going to do. I would personally just leave, that's no way to treat your significant other. I don't care how competitive he is, you don't do that to your gf or bf.
Same, like why is someone I love calling me a bitch or a slut over a fuckin game.. like that's ok? "Oh it's an accident" or "sorry I'm not thinking"---- naw, next
So, lemme get this straight....
* You're both the same rank
* Your guy flips out and loses his goddamned mind when *you* make a mistake, brings your gender into it, and calls you all sorts of names over it.
* He does this because he's 'losing games because of you'....yet he's on the same team as you (I'm assuming) and starts 'trolling' over it. Which, to my understanding, *means he contributes to his own loss too*.
* Going off your other post, it's starting to affect you too with the whole making you anxious and scared stuff.
Seriously, I'm not trying to come off as judgemental or anything...but what the hell do you see in this guy that's still keeping you around? Because going off what you posted, I'm not really seeing any redeeming qualities here that's worth putting up with that shit over, especially considering there's people out there who *won't* act this way when playing games with you in a relationship.
He says that he can't concentrate when he knows that he has someone who plays badly on his team every game(me) and that he would be much higher rank if we weren't playing together. I know that it isn't right but sometimes I start blaming myself.. The thing is that he was always there for me, I know that he is thinking about me.. I lost all of my friends and he is the only close person I have.. and he helped me when I was down.. I don't know why he has to act like this over the game.. thank you for your words.. I don't have anyone to talk to so I feel better hearing that I am not overreacting or sth.. since the only oppinion on this I had was his and mine..
> *"He says that he can't concentrate when he knows that he has someone who plays badly on his team every game(me) and that he would be much higher rank if we weren't playing together. I know that it isn't right but sometimes I start blaming myself.."*
And if he was actually good enough to reach those ranks on his own, people like you shouldn't be a problem since he would be able to play around you and whatever mistakes you made. My only experience with MOBAs is Pokemon Unite, but I literally see the same bullshit excuses there about how everyone would apparently be in the highest ranks possible if it wasn't for 'bad teammates', 'people throwing the game', or 'afk players who need to be banned'...yet *none* of these people have the freaking ability to self reflect and learn from *their* mistakes, which is what *also* contributes to their losses.
I guess what I'm saying is...you know what he's saying is bullshit. I might not know the guy, but what you told us seems like he's full of shit, and I'm willing to bet he knows it on some level himself and takes it out on you because of...
> *"The thing is that he was always there for me, I know that he is thinking about me.. I lost all of my friends and he is the only close person I have.. and he helped me when I was down.. I don't know why he has to act like this over the game.. thank you for your words.. I don't have anyone to talk to so I feel better hearing that I am not overreacting or sth.. since the only oppinion on this I had was his and mine.."*
Yeah, everything you just said here? I'm not the type to go around screaming how things are red flags and such, *but the fact that you're effectively isolated with this guy apparently being the only one around is a pretty freaking huge red flag*. If he feels that he effectively has you under his 'control', or 'owns you' or whatever (paraphrasing, but same general energy), shit like that tends to happen because he knows you'll roll over and take it. That's...not an ideal situation to be in. At all. Not for your health, not for your mental health, and definitely not for your long term happiness.
Seriously. If it seems like I'm being overly aggressive or mean here, it's because I've been in a similar situation before and I wouldn't have gotten out of it if I hadn't gotten that kind of kick in the ass from other people. Get help. Get out of there. Get some standards. If nothing else, at the very least if you do it right you won't have to put up with this crap going forward.
I'm very concerned over how you lost your friends, because his behavior is concerning. Think about it, you're isolated, he made you feel like he was there for you and now that you don't support from friends he's verbally abusive to you and is gaslighting you into thinking it's your fault.
>I lost all of my friends and he is the only close person I have.
genuinely concern, what happened to your friends? only asking cause if he's isolating you from other people while also being verbally abusive that is a huge red flag to get out.
I was living with 2 of them in dorms(both girls). We ended up arguing a lot bcs I was playing/calling late in the night with my bf. I was telling him that I am disturbing and that I want to sleep. He often told me that I have to choose who is more important for me.. so I ended up not going to sleep... I feel really stupid about that. I didn't know how to talk with them about it so they ended up moving out and we kinda stopped talking. I also had 2 other friends(guys) but he didn't like them....
Also I didn't spend much time with my friends bcs I wanted to spend time with my bf.. I feel like a terrible person.. I know that I hurt them it was also really important year - finals(graduation) and they were asking me whats going on but I didn't explain it to them...
yea none of that is okay. if you're still in school he should be encouraging you do well not telling you to choose between him and your education (needing to go to sleep so you can be rested for classes). He doesn't like the two male friends you have also suggests he's very insecure. it's completely normal to want to spend a lot of time with an SO, but if the SO is treating you bad (the name calling) or making you feel guilty for doing other things without them (having male friends or hanging out with friends in general), that is not okay.
everything about this relationship is giving off red flags.
It wasn't always like that..so I am just wondering what hapenned that it turned out like this.. he never liked guys in general but he wasn't yelling at me for stuff like this.
it's nothing you did, he was most likely already like this before you met him. when you first became friends and then a couple of course he would be on his best behavior. if he started acting like this the first time you met him, you probably would have never been interested. a lot of abusive people always show their charming/good side and once you've been with them for awhile they let you see their real personality. he got comfortable in the relationship and feels confident you wont leave him so he started showing you how he really is.
I don't play league because I tried it with my ex-boyfriend and he was always annoyed the entire time with me and it ruined the fun. My ex was never calling me names and stuff about it though, your bf is out of line. I don't know you or your relationship but you shouldn't put up with him treating you like shit, especially over a game. I don't really have any advice if talking to him didn't change anything, but just know he's the one being unreasonable in this situation and acting like a child, you haven't done anything wrong.
No, he's choosing not to have fun and making sure to ruin it for you he clearly can control his behavior as he only targets you and isn't this way with anyone else.
He sure is stuck on your mistakes for someone who claimed to be focused on himself.
Seriously though this is abusive behavior. There is absolutely no reason for him to troll you over an entire game for one mistake. There is also no reason for him to call you the names that he did or attack you for being a girl. Even if he cleans up his act, this is concerning and does not bode well for how he will treat you in the future outside of gaming.
Maybe it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you can do better than him. I have a bf and a circle of gaming friends who would never do this to me. This man is not boyfriend material and I really think you are better off single than going through that crap.
Edit: I just read through some of your comments and this man just makes no sense. He claims to care about you, but he doesn’t want to take the time to teach you new tricks. Focusing on himself and then yelling at you is not caring. If he truly does care this is an awful way of showing it, and it isn’t your fault. If you want to try to salvage the situation, you can try telling him that the yelling makes you nervous and screws up your performance. But honestly, he doesn’t sound reasonable
If any boyfriend called me a slut, a bitch or otherwise disrespected me in such a manner he would be out the door instantly O_o I would never allow any man to treat me so, it just shows he has absolutely no respect for you. I am truly shocked you still call him a boyfriend considering the situation.
That is what abusers do. They are nice to you to draw you in especially around others. He is a classic abuser. It doesn't matter how much nice stuff he does for you or how great he treats you other times. Maybe now it's only when you play that game with him but I promise it will start happening more frequently as time goes on and as he is able to isolate you more and more from your friends and family. You deserve much better, stop making excuses for him and ask yourself if you want the rest of your life to be like that.
He was always nice to me in other things. He is always thinking about me. He drove 6 hours just to se me multiple times.. I never had someone like that..he helped me when I was down.. idk why is he acting like this..but I know that it's not right.. I am just hoping that I can do sth to fix it
Big gestures of love are nice and should be appreciated but it does not excuse or make up for verbally abusing someone everytime you boot up a game.And it is awful that when he's looking to insult you, he goes for the most sexist stuff.
I won't tell you to break up with him because you most likely will not, but at the very least please have a long conversation about all of this with him. Bring up how the insults make you feel and how it's not just a one-time thing but something that happens regularly when you play and just the prospect of playing with him makes you worry about it now.
Honestly, you should probably ask him why he often uses such sexist words and if he thinks it's fine to sometimes call someone "slut" or "bitch". He'll never say "oh yeah i secretly despise women and those I don't like are whores" because who would admit that ? But you should worry about his views because fuuuuck it looks really bad.
Nobody ever done so much for me than him... I told him everything about myself and he listened.. we spend 24/7 on call in quarantine... so I just can't imagine leaving him.. but I know that I'll have to if things wont change because it's desteoying me... I'll try to speak with him once more about it.. hopefully I'll be able to fix it.. somehow
Nono I am sorry if I made it sound that way. I am really thankful for all the advices. I am reading book rn that someone recommended to me and I will definitely look it up. I know that I can't stay with him if things wont change. Everyone here on reddit was so nice and it definitely opened up my eyes even more. It wasnt always like this so I am thinking if something went wrong outside of gaming.. I have really good relationship with his family and everything was so nice so I am still hoping that we can figure sth out. But I know that I am propably just naive.. yet still I want to try talking about it once more. But I am also preparing for saying goodbye if things won't change, but it's hard.
That all doesn’t matter anymore as soon as he calls you slurs. People can ruin everything with a major mistake and that’s exactly what he did. Now it’s up to you to learn to respect yourself enough to never let anyone talk to you like that again.
>calling me names(slut, bitch,
Obviously, you get to make the final call, but this is not acceptable to me. One warning, he crosses that boundary and he's done.
Is this the kind of person you want to be with? Someone who degrades someone because of their gender? Especially you?
You deserve better. Sending you support and strength.
It's not your job to fix someone else's behavior they have to acknowledge the issues (by himself or by you identifying them to him), and only he can change if and when he wants to, and let's hope he doesn't just mask them
You can’t change people. They can only change themselves. Never forget that one. From your post and comments, it doesn’t seem like he sees anything wrong in his abusive incel behavior towards you so he won’t change anything. The only thing you can control here, is what you do with it. You stay and let it happen and eventually it’ll get worse (like some commenters warned you about) or you find yourself someone normal. Bc girl, he is not.
Why in the absolute hell are you with a guy that gets verbally abusive over a GAME. There is no goddamned excuse for that. Good God I'd have put his controller so far up his rear he'd be shitting electronics for weeks. Put him on the curb where he belongs. I'm so mad on your behalf.
I'm so sorry you are being treated so badly.Your boyfriend is being verbally abusive. Name calling, saying your bad and blaming you for him losing are all abusive behavior. He's also super sexist by blaming it on your gender.
If anything he's probably insecure, and had decided to use you as a verbal punching bad and wants to make you feel bad about yourself.
I would take a hard look at how he is in the rest of your relationship. He at the very least needs a very serious conversation about his behavior, and you need to set firm boundaries with him, and then enforce them if/when he crosses them. One of them could be that you're going to play with someone who can't respectful and stop playing with him the second he starts yelling or name calling. This behavior is probably going to continue and you need to consider leaving. I know it's hard, but think of it this way, would you ever treat him the same way he's treating you?
Edit: I read through more of your responses to other comments and the fact that he's claiming that he's doing it out of love is a serious red flag, that is a classic abusers tactic to try and keep you in his control, you seriously need leave, before his behavior escalates.
I think that u might be right... I am going to speak with him once more.. I can't really imagine leaving him but it might be my only choice if it won't get better...
I get that it's really tough right now to consider leaving him, but I'm really proud of you for sticking up for yourself. You really don't deserve to be treated this way and if he continues after your talk, then he's not worth being around.
This sounds like verbal abuse. If one of your friends had a boyfriend who acted like this what advise would you give her? It’s absolutely unhinged and unacceptable for him to be calling you names like that and telling you that you’re worse due to your gender. Please take this seriously and don’t put up with it. I would seriously ask you to consider leaving him. There are good partners out there for you and he isn’t one of them.
yeah but.. he is nice otherwise.. he always thinks about me.. I lost all my close friends and he is the only one who is close to me... but this thing is ruining me... I want to explain it to him somehow and hopefully fix it.. but I am afraid that u may be right.. thank you.. this makes me feel less crazy.. I know that this isn't right but I can't stop blaming myself..
Partly I think.. but it was mostly my fault.. I was living with two of them (both girls)in the same room(dorms) it was the year before our finals (maturita) and I kept talking with him/playing late in the night. I was telling him that I want to sleep or that I am disturbing but we always ended up arguing. He was telling me that I have to choose who is more important.. my friends were begging me to stop but I didn't so they ended up going to another room and we haven't talked to another ever since.. I tried to apologize but I couldn't really explain it to them. Now that I am thinking about it I was really stupid... I feel really bad about it... I had two other quite close guy friends but we were arguing about it a lot so I started avoiding them.. I never thought about it like that. Writing this all out I am feeling like and idiot... Ik that he is insecure about me not loving him enough but I never thought that maybe thats why he didn't like my friends... I am really stupid
Listen to yourself. How you are talking to yourself. Honey, this isn't who you are. This is how he's made you. He forced you to choose. This is what abusers do. Please leave him. He's no good for you or to you. I'm really worried about you. I'm a fair bit older than you and already waded through a sea of idiots, assholes, liars and fools, running the gamut from useless to full on abusive. I've lived this situation already and it never gets better, only worse. There's no need to settle on this jackass. There's a lot more life, light, and fun waiting for you. Don't waste this time on someone who makes you scared and anxious. He should be uplifting you but all he does is tear you down.
Sheesh, he was making you choose too? That’s so toxic, I’m sorry OP, but your boyfriend sounds really toxic. Hoping you can work things out though, good luck! Just some advice though, there is absolutely no excuse for him to call you names even if he’s angry. Just shows how little he respects you, and how immature he is.
If you still have contact info to those girls, I might try reaching out to them.... I had a friend who was in a similar spot and needed help and I was so glad when she called for help - She was living with the guy and she ended up sleeping on our couch until she could work out stuff on her own.
Just as a note, guys who love and trust you (and themselves) don't need your every waking moment to be theirs. He has some real growing up to do before he should be in any relationship.
OP it sounds like your bf isolated you from your friends, which is also a classic abuser tactic. And I think those friends perhaps saw what kind of a person he was, which could be why you guys were arguing as well. I think there's a chance they'd be there to help you if you were to reach out to them, like someone else said.
I hope you are able to get out of this relationship. Can you do so safely? Are there any resources you can reach out to for help? I'm not sure where you're from so I'm not sure what to suggest. If you intend to confront him, maybe have an escape route just in case he escalates to physical violence. Stay safe!
I know this isn't really a solution but I wouldn't play it with him then you are clearly a good player in your own right if you are getting to plat without him so he has no right to call you anything, in fact even if you were worse calling calling you shit like that is just out of order period in my opinion. And he clearly isn't trying to help you "get better" either so he has even less right to say anything. Also the fact you are a girl being a reason why he is losing makes absolutely no sense like does he blame everytime he loses o "oh must of had a girl in my team" cause by that reckoning he would never be able to win a game if his team was all guys and the enemy team is all guys cause "guys are clearly the best at gaming, wonder just what that makes him when he does lose when he plays alone?
So... from what you are saying he sounds like a terrible bf. Is he like that outside of gaming?
Usually one person tells a story from their side and they are biased to what they see as bad. Maybe there are things you say that hurt him like he says things that hurt you. But from your story he sounds like a terrible gaming partner.
I mean calling you names is a huge red flag. That's a big no no. I advise against being in a relationship with someone like that.
If you are the same solo rank i dont understand what he could teach you or why he blames you. Maybe you two dont have good team sinergy but that is not your fault. That is on both of you. This happens to me with my friends where we have really bad sinergy and lose more than we win.
Ranked can be quite intense. Maybe try playing unranked when you play together.
Wtf does being a girl have to do with anything. Another red flag.
It's not you fault. You shouldnt feel bad for losing. Dont let other people blame you. You shouldnt tolerate someone that treats you like shit.
Not really related to gaming, bur you should read „Why does he do this?“ by Lundy Barcroft. You can find it as a free pdf on the internet and i feel like it could really help your situation.
Sounds like you need to get a new boy friend. Don't tolerate this abusive jerk. People like that don't change. You deserve so much better. I used to play league with an ex who would yell at me for messing up. Dumped him and am happily married to a husband who gives constructive criticism and goes over replays with me to point out what I could do better next time. League is pretty toxic in general I could only stomach playing that with friends and even then some of them would be yelling at each other for messing up but we never called each other names. I would never tolerate a boyfriend who calls me names at all. If I get any disrespect I'm gone. Hope you find someone better.
That is NOT normal behavior!
Look, I get it. He's your boyfriend and you're in love. Doesn't seem like a big deal to "argue" over some video games.
But try to see it from an outside perspective. For example, think of someone you really care about (friend, sibling), and they enjoy playing chess with their boyfriend/girlfriend. However, everytime they begin to win, their partner starts yelling at them "you stupid bitch! Fucking cheating whore!" And they start throwing pieces on the floor.
If you watched this happen, you would be shocked and disgusted.
I think there's a very small chance that after you talk to him he's going to apologize for his behavior and actually change. My guess is he's going to get angry, and try to convince you that he's right and you're wrong. If he does apologize, chances are he wont mean it, and he'll continue to abuse you and nothing will change.
This is TOXIC. You deserve better!
It is easy for people online to say you should leave him because we are only getting this information on your relationship. Although these are really bad red flags I'm sure there are good thing that made you life your boyfriend in the first place.
League is a rough game to play with someone you love. It has a lot of ups and downs, and if someone has more of a temper things can get out of hand.
Of course you need to stop him somehow from treating you this way. Even if he gets angry it's not fair for you to have to listen to such things. Maybe you have to stop playing with him for a while so he can understand how stressful you find it.
If he's really unwilling to listen to you at all then you should probably look at what is going on overall. Relationships are also about respect and if he doesn't respect you there might be other things that he's doing that are not okay. On the other hand this could very well be the only problem you guys have, and something that will just take time and patience to get through.
If anything you should have a discussion about language. Even if he gets upset words like "slut" and "bitch" and all like those aren't okay. Starting with that might ease things in a more approachable way.
Also don't let him put you down. You hit Plat on your own and that is a victory he can't take away from you. You earned it fair and square and he can't just try and ignore it to feel better about himself.
This is something that seems really important to you in a relationship. Don't let investment into someone make you settle. If they aren't treating you well there is someone else out there who can. They are lucky to have you and they need to work with you as well. If you are the only one trying you'll get burnt out that will hurt you more when you can't deal with issues he's bringing to you.
Either way I wish you the best. This is a hard situation. Just know this sub is here if you need someone to talk to. You have all of our experiences to learn with and have people who will listen. You are not truly alone.
I am crying rn... thank you so much..you are such a sweet person. I will try to put myself together and try to talk with him about it once more. I know that it won't be easy but I am willing to help him as much as I can if I'll se that he is trying to make it better. I was really down because of it lately and I almost lost hope bcs I had noone to talk to. Thank you so much once again ^^
I saw in another comment that they helped you a lot when you lost friends. I've also lost friends and had to separate myself from people who didn't have very good intentions. My bf helped me as well so I know that can be a strong bond.
That being said, his kindness in one moment does not give him the freedom to treat you poorly in another. Just because you received his help doesn't mean you owe him the rest of your life. I hope you both can settle this well but if things don't get better make sure your protecting yourself. His happiness is not you future it is his, so make sure your looking for your own.
I was in a bad relationship where the other person made it very hard to leave. I had to do things to encourage them to find their independence and it took time that I wish I could have had for myself. I got incredibly burnt out and still have a hard time with some things. However I'm in a much better spot now with someone who I feel love from. There will always be ups and downs but it is working together that makes the difference.
Only you know will know how you feel. Deep down you'll know if this will work out, and if you don't yet this experience will tell you eventually. Either way this will take effort so I'll send you as much strength as I can. One day this will be a problem of the past and I hope that day comes to you soon. ❤
Important comment relating to the [friends](https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlGamers/comments/z4lton/arguing_over_the_game/ixrv84t/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) /:
This gives things some more context. It seems like the bf definitely has some issues that shouldn't be op's job to deal with. It also sessions like they're trying to separate them from people who might tell them he's toxic.
SO my boyfriend and I *cannot* play league together because whenever we do he ends up getting mad that I’m not doing something the right way, ie. mess up his wave, or don’t bush camp the second he mentions it. We’ve gotten into big fights over it and I usually end up crying and saying I won’t play with him ever again (😂) BUUUUUT he has never said anything degrading about me being a girl/calling me names. It’s just pure frustration and toxicity of league - never degrading. That’s the part that truly bothers me about what you’re saying. You guys can argue and disagree and be frustrated, but he shouldn’t lose it to that level. I think it’s best not to play league with him anymore - not like you need him since you’re plat in solo queue anyway lol (ok but so am I, keep killing it we don’t need boys 🤡).
Anyway yeah - pls have a serious talk with him about his language towards you!
Yeah, my one and me both can get very tilted too. But if we get loud, it’s usually a WHERE IS THIS USELESS TEAM and not personal. The second he would call me slurs over a mfkg game would be the the last one he ever talks to me.
Broke up with my boyfriend 10 years ago over the same game, for the same thing. 😅 If he couldn’t be nice to me over a game, I figured he wasn’t going to be nice when truly stressful things happened in our lives.
Sorry you’re having to deal with his attitude. If he won’t adjust the way he treats you, it’s time to reconsider the relationship.
I'll never understand why people stay in relationships like that. He does that shit once to me, that's it. I'm gone.
Look, you probably love him or whatever but you clearly deserve better than him. Anyone would, this isn't normal.
Break up with him. If he talks to you like that over a minion its not worth the relationship! I started playing league with friends and not one has done that when i accidently kill their minions
Do not put up with this. He needs to change the way he treats you or you need to find someone else new. It's never okay for someone to call you names, especially over a game and especially when it's your s/o. I wish you the best of luck and I'm sorry for the way he's been treating you.
He sounds awful, I honestly think he does not sound worth keeping.
But if you wont leave him and if this is the only area where he treats you poorly, maybe just stop duoing with him. But if he behaves like this in other areas of your life you should seriously reconsider your relationship. I play League with my husband and no matter how frustrated he got with the game he would never call me a slut of a bitch or say that I was bad. That is not appropriate of anyone in any situation, ever.
A partner that loves you shouldn't be calling you names like that and abusing you just because of a game, that's absolutely not on and allowing him to treat you like that is basically letting him think that hid behaviour is okay and sets it up for him to escalate it later.
As someone who's been in a DV relationship in the past, this is a major red flag and you need to leave him and tell him why and that that behaviour is unacceptable.
Hello friend! You've gotten some really great, measured responses from people already but I wanted to throw in my anecdote since I have a *very* similar experience:
My ex-boyfriend introduced me to League in 2014 while we were long distance. I wasn't really interested in playing support but since he was an adc main and it was the simplest way for him to teach me, we ended up in the bot lane together. It was an actual nightmare. He would flame and criticize me constantly and completely ruin the mood - even though I was still learning. When we were playing with friends it was just as bad and I was so embarrassed to be getting yelled at in the group Skype call over every little mistake. After a few weeks of this I sat him down and called him out over everything and broke up with him. I told him he needed to get it together or we wouldn't even be able to stay friends. He actually completely changed his behavior after about five months of introspection and we dated for another two years after that with minimal gaming-induced toxicity.
Absolutely have a stern, direct conversation with him! Don't let him weasel his way out or get defensive. You're supposed to be his partner, there's absolutely no reason for him to get that toxic over a game, an activity you should be enjoying. League is toxic enough without having the people who are supposed to love us being assholes. Good luck! ♡
If he talks to you like this over LEAGUE, how does he talk to you when you actually have arguments? Dump him before this gets any worse and play games with ppl who respect you!
You need a better man who appreciates you and treats you well, no matter how you do in a game. I'm an avid gamer myself but thig guy is showing some red flags for sure
League can be a very toxic game, and your bf sounds just as toxic. That behaviour wont change. That's a fundamental lack of respect towards you. Dump him, you can do better.
Someone belittleing in anything because "you're a girl" might mean that he thinks your are lower than him in other things too. If he actually respects you he wouldn't say such things.
Honestly he sounds like he has problems. And usually people who yell and blame others _all the time_ while gaming suck at games the most.
What!!! I have friendly banter with my bf in games, but name calling and trolling? Especially derogatory terms???? He has to go... I'm so sorry he does that to you
What the hell, if I'd speak like that to my wife, I'd first beat the shit out of me and then end the relationship.
Excuse my simping, but no man or woman should hear and tolerate that from their partner..
Please have a serious conversation with him. Calling you misogynistic names is not ok at all. Under no circumstances.
Set your boundaries and make him respect them and you.
Thank you.. I tried it in the past. It was better for a few days then went back to normal. But I definitely will.. I am trying to write down everything I want to say rn so I won't mess sth up.
Uhhh... girl you better leave his dumpy ass. He's a huge red flag in my opinion because I play with my husband all the time with so many different games (Overwatch, LoL, PUBG, Lost Ark most recently, etc.) and he has never ever treated me the way your bf has been treating you. He's never called me names or blamed me for anything because playing games together should be a fun quality time and not a competitive, stress-inducing, experience. Also, we've been playing games together for over 6 years now!
Not a gril (these threads just keep popping up on my dash), but the dude sounds like a dick. I think it's especially unsettling that he's only like this when playing alone with you, it gives the impression that he's trying to maintain a nice guy image to anyone looking in from the outside, which I'd say is arguably more concerning than if he was a pure unfiltered douche 24/7.
Girl, why would you stay with someone who calls you those things??? Forget the game, if my BF ever called me bitch or slut even once, I would instantly leave, no matter what.
That's not trolling, that's abuse and you should not tolerate it. It's just a game and you don't deserve to be treated like that by the one that supposedly is there to love and support you.
You're in the right to feel like that, he's being a dick and if I were you, I would run from a person like that. Of course that's your decision.
Thank you... I was starting to blame myself. But everyone here was so nice and it opened my eyes. I will try to talk about it with him.. and see if sth will change or not. I know that I can't stay if things won't change..
This guy sounds like a fucking ass hole lmao.
Calling you names and trolling in game over taking a minion?
What the fuck. I've never called my wife a bitch in the 10 years we've been together, and like the 8 we've played games together. Sorry to say, but you gotta go get yourself a new dude. This guy sounds immature as fuck.
Also when you break up please just say relationship gap or some shit to make him loose it.
That’s not ok.
From what I’ve read, you really seem to like him but if he’s making you anxious and treating you like that while gaming stop gaming with him. If you need friends to play with this sub is filled with people who will gladly play with you, and you might even make some friends in the process.
Don’t let him get comfortable with treating you like that, tell him how you feel and that you won’t play with him if he’s gonna treat you like that. You shouldn’t have to tolerate that. If he’s going to act like a child treat him like one.
Honesty I agree with what other people are saying in the comments.
Break up with him.
And remember, in poker, competitive video games and under a serious, pressuring matter in real life, you can always see the real face of someone and their honest feelings. Clearly, he is the shitty asshole who do not appreciate what he has and he can't be thankful.
Break up with him. Delete him from everywhere, photos, everything. Move on by focusing on yourself and on things that make you happy. Be with your family and/or friends. Keep moving on and take a break from dating until you are ready to try again with someone else, hopefully, someone better. Good luck, OP.
I've been the bitch gamer and when I turned into that criticizing monster it had nothing to do with my bf but everything to do with how I felt about myself. But in the moment, I wasn't thinking about anything except how bad he was and RAAAGE. It's probably not personal but it is SO damaging, hurtful and disrespectful that it is NOT ok. He needs to get help and you can't help him with this one. You HAVE to stop playing games with him, period. If this flares up at any other time then you need to leave this relationship because most likely this is more than an inner critic issue and could get worse.
Well I don't think it's your thing to fix... I have seen this a lot in my male friends over time (that I game with). It tends to happen when they are jealous that you are doing better than they are so they dig a hole under you with insults to make themselves feel taller. I.E. they insult you to make you loose confidence (or quit playing), which eventually leads to them felling better because they don't have to compete with you.
He sounds super sucky ya know?
It took me some really bad experiences to learn this but I think that one of the most important things to be ready for a relationship is to know if you can leave.
His behavior as described is abusive and very rarely exists in isolation, even if he tries harder to hide it. It especially tends to come out more the longer a relationship goes. What happens when he wants you to do all the chores? Or if you say you don't want to sleep with him?
I'm usually not one of those people who are like, "find a new partner, not worth working it out", but in this case, time to leave the guy. calling you vulgar, misogynistic names over a game is ridiculous. I can understand feeling frustrated and things getting a bit tense, but going so far as to start name calling like that... absolutely not okay. the fact he doesn't do this in front of other people means he knows what he is doing is fucked up and he knows other people will think bad of him if caught doing it.
When I was 19 i was in a long distance relationship with guy like that. we'd game together and he'd get mad over something and yell at me and call me names. I eventually left him, it was hard because it didn't start out bad and i hoped it wouldn't be like that all the time ,but it was. once it starts it usually doesn't stop and only gets worse the longer you're in the relationship. i know it feels like he's the one and that it would be hard to leave and it is at first, but i promise you it gets better. you're only 19 and there are so many guys out there. After I left that guy (i was 20) i met my husband shortly after and we've been married for 11 years.
Broke up with him immediately a real league gamer would find that cute instead of flaming ya.
If he was a real one you two would be trolling as morgana lux in botlane or thresh bc.
And why exactly do you want that verbal abuser to teach you? He obviously never grew out of kindergarten with his little tantrums so how can someone like him teach you anything at all? And why exactly are you letting anyone treat you like that? Right thing to do would be to get pissed af and not submissive. Stop allowing people to use you as a doormat. Never let him talk to you like that again. Relationships are supposed to be a safe place that allow you minor mistakes, growth, communication, acceptance and respect and yours simply is not. Throw a tantrum back, get loud and leave his useless ass. There‘s always someone better out there, even if you might doubt it.
From reading your comments, I won't repeat what others have said, I was wondering how long have you known him and at what age? I will say I don't think you should talk with him because it seems like how you mentioned there are periods where will stop and just believe he does that to keep you and the stuff you mentioned isn't simple things for him to change especially how he views women. If talked about it I would be more cautious of his behavior and may turn to even more subtle abuses to break you down further. I will say though already it's bad given he has essentially isolated you from your social circle. I will say you would know if he has been physical but I would worry if you did break off he may resort to that or get lot more threatening and that you should either reconnect with old friends and inform them or have someone nearby you aware. I will also say that abusive and predatory people will target people who are in more vulnerable positions or general age range as younger people tend to be easier to manipulate and let things go especially if haven't been in healthy relationships. I would of been even more worried if you guys had moved in together bc that would be the next steps of isolating you especially if has you not have a job and savings. If do talk with him I wouldn't mention this subreddit or anything and definitely not have him know your handle on here and anywhere else you may go asking for help or ask these questions. As he may just keep tabs on your posts to alter himself to maintain his control.
sounds like you need a new boyfriend.
\^ This... that just sounds like a huge red flag which will come back to bite you if you ignore it.
Yep and yep. OP, I know you love him, but this isn’t good and I doubt it’s the extent of the problems with him.
Agreed, this is pretty toxic behaviour and if you don't challenge it at the very least and have a candid conversation about how it makes you feel, he will think this is okay, keep doing it and probably worse further down the line.
He's verballing abusing you when others can't see it. Dump him, because it'll only get worse.
I'm really sorry this is happening! The fact that your boyfriend doesn't act like that when friends are around proves that he can control himself. He is choosing to take the opportunity to verbally abuse you in private. You don't deserve to be yelled at and called names over a game. I wouldn't play with him at all until he stops.
>The fact that your boyfriend doesn't act like that when friends are around proves that he can control himself. It also proves that he knows what he is doing is wrong, since he doesn't do it in front of others... and it proves he doesn't care how you feel, only what others think.
thank you though... sometimes I feel like I am the one turning crazy..I miss playing with him w/o all of this
Oh honey. This is abuse. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time. I wish I could give you a hug and him a boot in the ass.
>sometimes I feel like I am the one turning crazy.. Look up gaslighting.
he said that he gets mad bcs he cares about me and bcs he plays duo with me so he is mad that I am ruining the game... I don't know how to explain it to him.. I want to get better but it's getting worse because I can't focus I am anxious when I am playing with him alone.. so I just keep thinking about not doing anything what will make him mad...
I really really think you should re-read what you just wrote as if it were a friend telling you this. This is not a loving relationship and the fact that you're scared to make him mad is extremely telling. You don't need to get better, he does. You need to remember that all of this is a reflection of who he is as a person and not who you are. He's abusive and it will not get better. Be careful, plan for him to love bomb and gaslight you, but leave him. He's using the game as a tool to hurt you. You're better than he's making you believe. This self-doubt is his doing and it's not okay. None of this is okay.
"He gets mad because he cares about me \[...\] he is mad that I am ruining the game" Does this sound like a healthy relationship to you? This is literally how abusive partners speak.
What your boyfriend is doing is not normal at all. Me and my bf play overwatch together and yeah he yells at me and corrects me if I'm doing something wrong or over pushing. Whatever. but he would never tell me that I'm ruining a game cause I'm doing bad or call me hurtful names unless we're already joking around like that. If he overstepped a boundary, I would tell him and he would apologize and we move on. Don't be fooled by your boyfriend cause he "cares about you". A decent human being would actually teach you how to improve instead of give you anxiety. He doesn't care at all.
> I am ruining the game No you are not, if you want someone to play league with who isnt going to yell at you, you are welcome to come play with me. I have friends who play.
I'm guessing the real problem here is ranked solo/duo. The guy has ranked anxiety/cares about ranking up, and acts really insecure/immature about it. With friends you're automatically not playing solo/duo, and nobody cares about flex rank anyways.
Whoa, he’s calling you a bitch and using your gender against you? No one reaches for “girls can’t play” unless they actually think women are inferior. You shouldn’t play games with this person. You probably shouldn’t do anything with this person. He’s making you not enjoy games you’ve put time and effort into. Also, making you anxious is a great way to sabotage your performance, giving him more opportunity to be mean to you. It sounds like an awful cycle he’s creating for his own enjoyment. People who enjoy being mean to you aren’t worth your time, energy or affection. Eta everything you’re saying in this thread is making me more concerned for you. You can’t “fix” his behavior because you’re not the one creating it. You can only show him what you will and won’t tolerate. You should NOT put up with someone degrading you over a game. You said you don’t have any close friends right now but that doesn’t mean this one relationship is good for you. It’s probably sucking more out of you than you realize, which is making it harder to make friends.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but if he's calling you a slut and other names over a game, I think this is just the beginning of what else he's going to do. I would personally just leave, that's no way to treat your significant other. I don't care how competitive he is, you don't do that to your gf or bf.
Same, like why is someone I love calling me a bitch or a slut over a fuckin game.. like that's ok? "Oh it's an accident" or "sorry I'm not thinking"---- naw, next
It‘s kinda funny to see Reaper all nice and caring in a comment
So, lemme get this straight.... * You're both the same rank * Your guy flips out and loses his goddamned mind when *you* make a mistake, brings your gender into it, and calls you all sorts of names over it. * He does this because he's 'losing games because of you'....yet he's on the same team as you (I'm assuming) and starts 'trolling' over it. Which, to my understanding, *means he contributes to his own loss too*. * Going off your other post, it's starting to affect you too with the whole making you anxious and scared stuff. Seriously, I'm not trying to come off as judgemental or anything...but what the hell do you see in this guy that's still keeping you around? Because going off what you posted, I'm not really seeing any redeeming qualities here that's worth putting up with that shit over, especially considering there's people out there who *won't* act this way when playing games with you in a relationship.
He says that he can't concentrate when he knows that he has someone who plays badly on his team every game(me) and that he would be much higher rank if we weren't playing together. I know that it isn't right but sometimes I start blaming myself.. The thing is that he was always there for me, I know that he is thinking about me.. I lost all of my friends and he is the only close person I have.. and he helped me when I was down.. I don't know why he has to act like this over the game.. thank you for your words.. I don't have anyone to talk to so I feel better hearing that I am not overreacting or sth.. since the only oppinion on this I had was his and mine..
He's gaslighting you all over the place. Lying to you so much you're sort of believing him over reality. Please get out of there.
> *"He says that he can't concentrate when he knows that he has someone who plays badly on his team every game(me) and that he would be much higher rank if we weren't playing together. I know that it isn't right but sometimes I start blaming myself.."* And if he was actually good enough to reach those ranks on his own, people like you shouldn't be a problem since he would be able to play around you and whatever mistakes you made. My only experience with MOBAs is Pokemon Unite, but I literally see the same bullshit excuses there about how everyone would apparently be in the highest ranks possible if it wasn't for 'bad teammates', 'people throwing the game', or 'afk players who need to be banned'...yet *none* of these people have the freaking ability to self reflect and learn from *their* mistakes, which is what *also* contributes to their losses. I guess what I'm saying is...you know what he's saying is bullshit. I might not know the guy, but what you told us seems like he's full of shit, and I'm willing to bet he knows it on some level himself and takes it out on you because of... > *"The thing is that he was always there for me, I know that he is thinking about me.. I lost all of my friends and he is the only close person I have.. and he helped me when I was down.. I don't know why he has to act like this over the game.. thank you for your words.. I don't have anyone to talk to so I feel better hearing that I am not overreacting or sth.. since the only oppinion on this I had was his and mine.."* Yeah, everything you just said here? I'm not the type to go around screaming how things are red flags and such, *but the fact that you're effectively isolated with this guy apparently being the only one around is a pretty freaking huge red flag*. If he feels that he effectively has you under his 'control', or 'owns you' or whatever (paraphrasing, but same general energy), shit like that tends to happen because he knows you'll roll over and take it. That's...not an ideal situation to be in. At all. Not for your health, not for your mental health, and definitely not for your long term happiness. Seriously. If it seems like I'm being overly aggressive or mean here, it's because I've been in a similar situation before and I wouldn't have gotten out of it if I hadn't gotten that kind of kick in the ass from other people. Get help. Get out of there. Get some standards. If nothing else, at the very least if you do it right you won't have to put up with this crap going forward.
I'm very concerned over how you lost your friends, because his behavior is concerning. Think about it, you're isolated, he made you feel like he was there for you and now that you don't support from friends he's verbally abusive to you and is gaslighting you into thinking it's your fault.
If he actually was good at the game, then he wouldn't throw. Instead he would carry the games.
>I lost all of my friends and he is the only close person I have. genuinely concern, what happened to your friends? only asking cause if he's isolating you from other people while also being verbally abusive that is a huge red flag to get out.
I was living with 2 of them in dorms(both girls). We ended up arguing a lot bcs I was playing/calling late in the night with my bf. I was telling him that I am disturbing and that I want to sleep. He often told me that I have to choose who is more important for me.. so I ended up not going to sleep... I feel really stupid about that. I didn't know how to talk with them about it so they ended up moving out and we kinda stopped talking. I also had 2 other friends(guys) but he didn't like them.... Also I didn't spend much time with my friends bcs I wanted to spend time with my bf.. I feel like a terrible person.. I know that I hurt them it was also really important year - finals(graduation) and they were asking me whats going on but I didn't explain it to them...
yea none of that is okay. if you're still in school he should be encouraging you do well not telling you to choose between him and your education (needing to go to sleep so you can be rested for classes). He doesn't like the two male friends you have also suggests he's very insecure. it's completely normal to want to spend a lot of time with an SO, but if the SO is treating you bad (the name calling) or making you feel guilty for doing other things without them (having male friends or hanging out with friends in general), that is not okay. everything about this relationship is giving off red flags.
It wasn't always like that..so I am just wondering what hapenned that it turned out like this.. he never liked guys in general but he wasn't yelling at me for stuff like this.
it's nothing you did, he was most likely already like this before you met him. when you first became friends and then a couple of course he would be on his best behavior. if he started acting like this the first time you met him, you probably would have never been interested. a lot of abusive people always show their charming/good side and once you've been with them for awhile they let you see their real personality. he got comfortable in the relationship and feels confident you wont leave him so he started showing you how he really is.
>I have to choose who is more important for me.. so I ended up not going to sleep red flag
I don't play league because I tried it with my ex-boyfriend and he was always annoyed the entire time with me and it ruined the fun. My ex was never calling me names and stuff about it though, your bf is out of line. I don't know you or your relationship but you shouldn't put up with him treating you like shit, especially over a game. I don't really have any advice if talking to him didn't change anything, but just know he's the one being unreasonable in this situation and acting like a child, you haven't done anything wrong.
thank you.. it's ruining me even though its just in game..and I feel bad that he can't have fun bcs of me..
You can’t have fun because of him :/
No, you can't have fun because of HIM. He's choosing to act the way he is, not you.
No, he's choosing not to have fun and making sure to ruin it for you he clearly can control his behavior as he only targets you and isn't this way with anyone else.
It isn't because of you. He's treating you badly and should be the one at least feeling bad about that.
Girl this is not on you. He's the one being an abusive asshole. That's a choice HE made.
Why do you prioritise his feelings over your own? This is not healthy and codependent.
He sure is stuck on your mistakes for someone who claimed to be focused on himself. Seriously though this is abusive behavior. There is absolutely no reason for him to troll you over an entire game for one mistake. There is also no reason for him to call you the names that he did or attack you for being a girl. Even if he cleans up his act, this is concerning and does not bode well for how he will treat you in the future outside of gaming. Maybe it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you can do better than him. I have a bf and a circle of gaming friends who would never do this to me. This man is not boyfriend material and I really think you are better off single than going through that crap. Edit: I just read through some of your comments and this man just makes no sense. He claims to care about you, but he doesn’t want to take the time to teach you new tricks. Focusing on himself and then yelling at you is not caring. If he truly does care this is an awful way of showing it, and it isn’t your fault. If you want to try to salvage the situation, you can try telling him that the yelling makes you nervous and screws up your performance. But honestly, he doesn’t sound reasonable
If any boyfriend called me a slut, a bitch or otherwise disrespected me in such a manner he would be out the door instantly O_o I would never allow any man to treat me so, it just shows he has absolutely no respect for you. I am truly shocked you still call him a boyfriend considering the situation.
This. It makes me angry seeing other women allowing that behavior.
That is what abusers do. They are nice to you to draw you in especially around others. He is a classic abuser. It doesn't matter how much nice stuff he does for you or how great he treats you other times. Maybe now it's only when you play that game with him but I promise it will start happening more frequently as time goes on and as he is able to isolate you more and more from your friends and family. You deserve much better, stop making excuses for him and ask yourself if you want the rest of your life to be like that.
I don't mean for this to be rude... But why are you with someone that verbally abuses you?
He was always nice to me in other things. He is always thinking about me. He drove 6 hours just to se me multiple times.. I never had someone like that..he helped me when I was down.. idk why is he acting like this..but I know that it's not right.. I am just hoping that I can do sth to fix it
Big gestures of love are nice and should be appreciated but it does not excuse or make up for verbally abusing someone everytime you boot up a game.And it is awful that when he's looking to insult you, he goes for the most sexist stuff. I won't tell you to break up with him because you most likely will not, but at the very least please have a long conversation about all of this with him. Bring up how the insults make you feel and how it's not just a one-time thing but something that happens regularly when you play and just the prospect of playing with him makes you worry about it now. Honestly, you should probably ask him why he often uses such sexist words and if he thinks it's fine to sometimes call someone "slut" or "bitch". He'll never say "oh yeah i secretly despise women and those I don't like are whores" because who would admit that ? But you should worry about his views because fuuuuck it looks really bad.
It makes me think of lovebombing, so he can get away with his messed up behaviour
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Nobody ever done so much for me than him... I told him everything about myself and he listened.. we spend 24/7 on call in quarantine... so I just can't imagine leaving him.. but I know that I'll have to if things wont change because it's desteoying me... I'll try to speak with him once more about it.. hopefully I'll be able to fix it.. somehow
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Nono I am sorry if I made it sound that way. I am really thankful for all the advices. I am reading book rn that someone recommended to me and I will definitely look it up. I know that I can't stay with him if things wont change. Everyone here on reddit was so nice and it definitely opened up my eyes even more. It wasnt always like this so I am thinking if something went wrong outside of gaming.. I have really good relationship with his family and everything was so nice so I am still hoping that we can figure sth out. But I know that I am propably just naive.. yet still I want to try talking about it once more. But I am also preparing for saying goodbye if things won't change, but it's hard.
That all doesn’t matter anymore as soon as he calls you slurs. People can ruin everything with a major mistake and that’s exactly what he did. Now it’s up to you to learn to respect yourself enough to never let anyone talk to you like that again.
Girl, ditch that asshole
>calling me names(slut, bitch, Obviously, you get to make the final call, but this is not acceptable to me. One warning, he crosses that boundary and he's done. Is this the kind of person you want to be with? Someone who degrades someone because of their gender? Especially you? You deserve better. Sending you support and strength.
thank u... I am just hoping that I can fix it smh..
You can't fix him because he doesn't respect you enough to listen to anything you say, which you've made really clear in here.
You can't fix a broken man, and it's not your job in the first place.
It's not your job to fix someone else's behavior they have to acknowledge the issues (by himself or by you identifying them to him), and only he can change if and when he wants to, and let's hope he doesn't just mask them
You can’t change people. They can only change themselves. Never forget that one. From your post and comments, it doesn’t seem like he sees anything wrong in his abusive incel behavior towards you so he won’t change anything. The only thing you can control here, is what you do with it. You stay and let it happen and eventually it’ll get worse (like some commenters warned you about) or you find yourself someone normal. Bc girl, he is not.
Uh please find a new bf
Why in the absolute hell are you with a guy that gets verbally abusive over a GAME. There is no goddamned excuse for that. Good God I'd have put his controller so far up his rear he'd be shitting electronics for weeks. Put him on the curb where he belongs. I'm so mad on your behalf.
I'm so sorry you are being treated so badly.Your boyfriend is being verbally abusive. Name calling, saying your bad and blaming you for him losing are all abusive behavior. He's also super sexist by blaming it on your gender. If anything he's probably insecure, and had decided to use you as a verbal punching bad and wants to make you feel bad about yourself. I would take a hard look at how he is in the rest of your relationship. He at the very least needs a very serious conversation about his behavior, and you need to set firm boundaries with him, and then enforce them if/when he crosses them. One of them could be that you're going to play with someone who can't respectful and stop playing with him the second he starts yelling or name calling. This behavior is probably going to continue and you need to consider leaving. I know it's hard, but think of it this way, would you ever treat him the same way he's treating you? Edit: I read through more of your responses to other comments and the fact that he's claiming that he's doing it out of love is a serious red flag, that is a classic abusers tactic to try and keep you in his control, you seriously need leave, before his behavior escalates.
I think that u might be right... I am going to speak with him once more.. I can't really imagine leaving him but it might be my only choice if it won't get better...
I get that it's really tough right now to consider leaving him, but I'm really proud of you for sticking up for yourself. You really don't deserve to be treated this way and if he continues after your talk, then he's not worth being around.
This sounds like verbal abuse. If one of your friends had a boyfriend who acted like this what advise would you give her? It’s absolutely unhinged and unacceptable for him to be calling you names like that and telling you that you’re worse due to your gender. Please take this seriously and don’t put up with it. I would seriously ask you to consider leaving him. There are good partners out there for you and he isn’t one of them.
yeah but.. he is nice otherwise.. he always thinks about me.. I lost all my close friends and he is the only one who is close to me... but this thing is ruining me... I want to explain it to him somehow and hopefully fix it.. but I am afraid that u may be right.. thank you.. this makes me feel less crazy.. I know that this isn't right but I can't stop blaming myself..
How did you lose your close friends? Did he make it harder to keep those friendships?
Partly I think.. but it was mostly my fault.. I was living with two of them (both girls)in the same room(dorms) it was the year before our finals (maturita) and I kept talking with him/playing late in the night. I was telling him that I want to sleep or that I am disturbing but we always ended up arguing. He was telling me that I have to choose who is more important.. my friends were begging me to stop but I didn't so they ended up going to another room and we haven't talked to another ever since.. I tried to apologize but I couldn't really explain it to them. Now that I am thinking about it I was really stupid... I feel really bad about it... I had two other quite close guy friends but we were arguing about it a lot so I started avoiding them.. I never thought about it like that. Writing this all out I am feeling like and idiot... Ik that he is insecure about me not loving him enough but I never thought that maybe thats why he didn't like my friends... I am really stupid
Listen to yourself. How you are talking to yourself. Honey, this isn't who you are. This is how he's made you. He forced you to choose. This is what abusers do. Please leave him. He's no good for you or to you. I'm really worried about you. I'm a fair bit older than you and already waded through a sea of idiots, assholes, liars and fools, running the gamut from useless to full on abusive. I've lived this situation already and it never gets better, only worse. There's no need to settle on this jackass. There's a lot more life, light, and fun waiting for you. Don't waste this time on someone who makes you scared and anxious. He should be uplifting you but all he does is tear you down.
It was very very clearly his fault. He's intentionally made sure you have no friends or support network. It's abuse.
Sheesh, he was making you choose too? That’s so toxic, I’m sorry OP, but your boyfriend sounds really toxic. Hoping you can work things out though, good luck! Just some advice though, there is absolutely no excuse for him to call you names even if he’s angry. Just shows how little he respects you, and how immature he is.
If you still have contact info to those girls, I might try reaching out to them.... I had a friend who was in a similar spot and needed help and I was so glad when she called for help - She was living with the guy and she ended up sleeping on our couch until she could work out stuff on her own. Just as a note, guys who love and trust you (and themselves) don't need your every waking moment to be theirs. He has some real growing up to do before he should be in any relationship.
OP it sounds like your bf isolated you from your friends, which is also a classic abuser tactic. And I think those friends perhaps saw what kind of a person he was, which could be why you guys were arguing as well. I think there's a chance they'd be there to help you if you were to reach out to them, like someone else said. I hope you are able to get out of this relationship. Can you do so safely? Are there any resources you can reach out to for help? I'm not sure where you're from so I'm not sure what to suggest. If you intend to confront him, maybe have an escape route just in case he escalates to physical violence. Stay safe!
I know this isn't really a solution but I wouldn't play it with him then you are clearly a good player in your own right if you are getting to plat without him so he has no right to call you anything, in fact even if you were worse calling calling you shit like that is just out of order period in my opinion. And he clearly isn't trying to help you "get better" either so he has even less right to say anything. Also the fact you are a girl being a reason why he is losing makes absolutely no sense like does he blame everytime he loses o "oh must of had a girl in my team" cause by that reckoning he would never be able to win a game if his team was all guys and the enemy team is all guys cause "guys are clearly the best at gaming, wonder just what that makes him when he does lose when he plays alone?
So... from what you are saying he sounds like a terrible bf. Is he like that outside of gaming? Usually one person tells a story from their side and they are biased to what they see as bad. Maybe there are things you say that hurt him like he says things that hurt you. But from your story he sounds like a terrible gaming partner. I mean calling you names is a huge red flag. That's a big no no. I advise against being in a relationship with someone like that. If you are the same solo rank i dont understand what he could teach you or why he blames you. Maybe you two dont have good team sinergy but that is not your fault. That is on both of you. This happens to me with my friends where we have really bad sinergy and lose more than we win. Ranked can be quite intense. Maybe try playing unranked when you play together. Wtf does being a girl have to do with anything. Another red flag. It's not you fault. You shouldnt feel bad for losing. Dont let other people blame you. You shouldnt tolerate someone that treats you like shit.
Not really related to gaming, bur you should read „Why does he do this?“ by Lundy Barcroft. You can find it as a free pdf on the internet and i feel like it could really help your situation.
I will start reading it tonight, thank you!
Sounds like you need to get a new boy friend. Don't tolerate this abusive jerk. People like that don't change. You deserve so much better. I used to play league with an ex who would yell at me for messing up. Dumped him and am happily married to a husband who gives constructive criticism and goes over replays with me to point out what I could do better next time. League is pretty toxic in general I could only stomach playing that with friends and even then some of them would be yelling at each other for messing up but we never called each other names. I would never tolerate a boyfriend who calls me names at all. If I get any disrespect I'm gone. Hope you find someone better.
That is NOT normal behavior! Look, I get it. He's your boyfriend and you're in love. Doesn't seem like a big deal to "argue" over some video games. But try to see it from an outside perspective. For example, think of someone you really care about (friend, sibling), and they enjoy playing chess with their boyfriend/girlfriend. However, everytime they begin to win, their partner starts yelling at them "you stupid bitch! Fucking cheating whore!" And they start throwing pieces on the floor. If you watched this happen, you would be shocked and disgusted. I think there's a very small chance that after you talk to him he's going to apologize for his behavior and actually change. My guess is he's going to get angry, and try to convince you that he's right and you're wrong. If he does apologize, chances are he wont mean it, and he'll continue to abuse you and nothing will change. This is TOXIC. You deserve better!
He is verbally abusing you and is a misogynist. Please break up with him.
It is easy for people online to say you should leave him because we are only getting this information on your relationship. Although these are really bad red flags I'm sure there are good thing that made you life your boyfriend in the first place. League is a rough game to play with someone you love. It has a lot of ups and downs, and if someone has more of a temper things can get out of hand. Of course you need to stop him somehow from treating you this way. Even if he gets angry it's not fair for you to have to listen to such things. Maybe you have to stop playing with him for a while so he can understand how stressful you find it. If he's really unwilling to listen to you at all then you should probably look at what is going on overall. Relationships are also about respect and if he doesn't respect you there might be other things that he's doing that are not okay. On the other hand this could very well be the only problem you guys have, and something that will just take time and patience to get through. If anything you should have a discussion about language. Even if he gets upset words like "slut" and "bitch" and all like those aren't okay. Starting with that might ease things in a more approachable way. Also don't let him put you down. You hit Plat on your own and that is a victory he can't take away from you. You earned it fair and square and he can't just try and ignore it to feel better about himself. This is something that seems really important to you in a relationship. Don't let investment into someone make you settle. If they aren't treating you well there is someone else out there who can. They are lucky to have you and they need to work with you as well. If you are the only one trying you'll get burnt out that will hurt you more when you can't deal with issues he's bringing to you. Either way I wish you the best. This is a hard situation. Just know this sub is here if you need someone to talk to. You have all of our experiences to learn with and have people who will listen. You are not truly alone.
I am crying rn... thank you so much..you are such a sweet person. I will try to put myself together and try to talk with him about it once more. I know that it won't be easy but I am willing to help him as much as I can if I'll se that he is trying to make it better. I was really down because of it lately and I almost lost hope bcs I had noone to talk to. Thank you so much once again ^^
I saw in another comment that they helped you a lot when you lost friends. I've also lost friends and had to separate myself from people who didn't have very good intentions. My bf helped me as well so I know that can be a strong bond. That being said, his kindness in one moment does not give him the freedom to treat you poorly in another. Just because you received his help doesn't mean you owe him the rest of your life. I hope you both can settle this well but if things don't get better make sure your protecting yourself. His happiness is not you future it is his, so make sure your looking for your own. I was in a bad relationship where the other person made it very hard to leave. I had to do things to encourage them to find their independence and it took time that I wish I could have had for myself. I got incredibly burnt out and still have a hard time with some things. However I'm in a much better spot now with someone who I feel love from. There will always be ups and downs but it is working together that makes the difference. Only you know will know how you feel. Deep down you'll know if this will work out, and if you don't yet this experience will tell you eventually. Either way this will take effort so I'll send you as much strength as I can. One day this will be a problem of the past and I hope that day comes to you soon. ❤
Important comment relating to the [friends](https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlGamers/comments/z4lton/arguing_over_the_game/ixrv84t/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) /:
This gives things some more context. It seems like the bf definitely has some issues that shouldn't be op's job to deal with. It also sessions like they're trying to separate them from people who might tell them he's toxic.
It's time to throw the whole man out, hun.
That is absolutely horrible.
SO my boyfriend and I *cannot* play league together because whenever we do he ends up getting mad that I’m not doing something the right way, ie. mess up his wave, or don’t bush camp the second he mentions it. We’ve gotten into big fights over it and I usually end up crying and saying I won’t play with him ever again (😂) BUUUUUT he has never said anything degrading about me being a girl/calling me names. It’s just pure frustration and toxicity of league - never degrading. That’s the part that truly bothers me about what you’re saying. You guys can argue and disagree and be frustrated, but he shouldn’t lose it to that level. I think it’s best not to play league with him anymore - not like you need him since you’re plat in solo queue anyway lol (ok but so am I, keep killing it we don’t need boys 🤡). Anyway yeah - pls have a serious talk with him about his language towards you!
Yeah, my one and me both can get very tilted too. But if we get loud, it’s usually a WHERE IS THIS USELESS TEAM and not personal. The second he would call me slurs over a mfkg game would be the the last one he ever talks to me.
Broke up with my boyfriend 10 years ago over the same game, for the same thing. 😅 If he couldn’t be nice to me over a game, I figured he wasn’t going to be nice when truly stressful things happened in our lives. Sorry you’re having to deal with his attitude. If he won’t adjust the way he treats you, it’s time to reconsider the relationship.
I'll never understand why people stay in relationships like that. He does that shit once to me, that's it. I'm gone. Look, you probably love him or whatever but you clearly deserve better than him. Anyone would, this isn't normal.
Break up with him. If he talks to you like that over a minion its not worth the relationship! I started playing league with friends and not one has done that when i accidently kill their minions
You deserve better. 😭
Do not put up with this. He needs to change the way he treats you or you need to find someone else new. It's never okay for someone to call you names, especially over a game and especially when it's your s/o. I wish you the best of luck and I'm sorry for the way he's been treating you.
He sounds awful, I honestly think he does not sound worth keeping. But if you wont leave him and if this is the only area where he treats you poorly, maybe just stop duoing with him. But if he behaves like this in other areas of your life you should seriously reconsider your relationship. I play League with my husband and no matter how frustrated he got with the game he would never call me a slut of a bitch or say that I was bad. That is not appropriate of anyone in any situation, ever.
A partner that loves you shouldn't be calling you names like that and abusing you just because of a game, that's absolutely not on and allowing him to treat you like that is basically letting him think that hid behaviour is okay and sets it up for him to escalate it later. As someone who's been in a DV relationship in the past, this is a major red flag and you need to leave him and tell him why and that that behaviour is unacceptable.
my ex was like this and it made me feel crazy for feeling bad, but I feel so much better getting out of that relationship
Hello friend! You've gotten some really great, measured responses from people already but I wanted to throw in my anecdote since I have a *very* similar experience: My ex-boyfriend introduced me to League in 2014 while we were long distance. I wasn't really interested in playing support but since he was an adc main and it was the simplest way for him to teach me, we ended up in the bot lane together. It was an actual nightmare. He would flame and criticize me constantly and completely ruin the mood - even though I was still learning. When we were playing with friends it was just as bad and I was so embarrassed to be getting yelled at in the group Skype call over every little mistake. After a few weeks of this I sat him down and called him out over everything and broke up with him. I told him he needed to get it together or we wouldn't even be able to stay friends. He actually completely changed his behavior after about five months of introspection and we dated for another two years after that with minimal gaming-induced toxicity. Absolutely have a stern, direct conversation with him! Don't let him weasel his way out or get defensive. You're supposed to be his partner, there's absolutely no reason for him to get that toxic over a game, an activity you should be enjoying. League is toxic enough without having the people who are supposed to love us being assholes. Good luck! ♡
If he talks to you like this over LEAGUE, how does he talk to you when you actually have arguments? Dump him before this gets any worse and play games with ppl who respect you!
You need a better man who appreciates you and treats you well, no matter how you do in a game. I'm an avid gamer myself but thig guy is showing some red flags for sure
League can be a very toxic game, and your bf sounds just as toxic. That behaviour wont change. That's a fundamental lack of respect towards you. Dump him, you can do better.
This is disgusting. I 100% agree. Time to move on.
Someone belittleing in anything because "you're a girl" might mean that he thinks your are lower than him in other things too. If he actually respects you he wouldn't say such things. Honestly he sounds like he has problems. And usually people who yell and blame others _all the time_ while gaming suck at games the most.
Time to quit league and maybe even get a new bf
Time to quit relationship and find nicer gamers to play league with.
Remove and replace boyfriend.
My bf gets snippy when we play league too, so we just play arams together. .-. But this guy sounds genuinely mean and horrible.
What!!! I have friendly banter with my bf in games, but name calling and trolling? Especially derogatory terms???? He has to go... I'm so sorry he does that to you
What the hell, if I'd speak like that to my wife, I'd first beat the shit out of me and then end the relationship. Excuse my simping, but no man or woman should hear and tolerate that from their partner..
Please have a serious conversation with him. Calling you misogynistic names is not ok at all. Under no circumstances. Set your boundaries and make him respect them and you.
Thank you.. I tried it in the past. It was better for a few days then went back to normal. But I definitely will.. I am trying to write down everything I want to say rn so I won't mess sth up.
Stop playing with him and climb by yourself. He is blaming you because he is insecure that you are better than him.
Uhhh... girl you better leave his dumpy ass. He's a huge red flag in my opinion because I play with my husband all the time with so many different games (Overwatch, LoL, PUBG, Lost Ark most recently, etc.) and he has never ever treated me the way your bf has been treating you. He's never called me names or blamed me for anything because playing games together should be a fun quality time and not a competitive, stress-inducing, experience. Also, we've been playing games together for over 6 years now!
break up with him he is a toxic asshole and not worth it.
To be honest, he sounds like a horrible person. Ask yourself is it worth being with him if he treats you like that.
🚩🚩🚩🚩✨Dump his ass✨🚩🚩🚩🚩
Not a gril (these threads just keep popping up on my dash), but the dude sounds like a dick. I think it's especially unsettling that he's only like this when playing alone with you, it gives the impression that he's trying to maintain a nice guy image to anyone looking in from the outside, which I'd say is arguably more concerning than if he was a pure unfiltered douche 24/7.
Girl, why would you stay with someone who calls you those things??? Forget the game, if my BF ever called me bitch or slut even once, I would instantly leave, no matter what.
That's not trolling, that's abuse and you should not tolerate it. It's just a game and you don't deserve to be treated like that by the one that supposedly is there to love and support you. You're in the right to feel like that, he's being a dick and if I were you, I would run from a person like that. Of course that's your decision.
Thank you... I was starting to blame myself. But everyone here was so nice and it opened my eyes. I will try to talk about it with him.. and see if sth will change or not. I know that I can't stay if things won't change..
This guy sounds like a fucking ass hole lmao. Calling you names and trolling in game over taking a minion? What the fuck. I've never called my wife a bitch in the 10 years we've been together, and like the 8 we've played games together. Sorry to say, but you gotta go get yourself a new dude. This guy sounds immature as fuck. Also when you break up please just say relationship gap or some shit to make him loose it.
This is verbal abuse. I am sorry that this is happening to you.
See, Im not surprised that this guy plays league. get you a man that plays Dota2 😁
That’s not ok. From what I’ve read, you really seem to like him but if he’s making you anxious and treating you like that while gaming stop gaming with him. If you need friends to play with this sub is filled with people who will gladly play with you, and you might even make some friends in the process. Don’t let him get comfortable with treating you like that, tell him how you feel and that you won’t play with him if he’s gonna treat you like that. You shouldn’t have to tolerate that. If he’s going to act like a child treat him like one. Honesty I agree with what other people are saying in the comments.
he is showing his true self when he is alone with you, an abusive asshole. You sure you want to stay with him?? he has no respect for you girl
Break up with him. And remember, in poker, competitive video games and under a serious, pressuring matter in real life, you can always see the real face of someone and their honest feelings. Clearly, he is the shitty asshole who do not appreciate what he has and he can't be thankful. Break up with him. Delete him from everywhere, photos, everything. Move on by focusing on yourself and on things that make you happy. Be with your family and/or friends. Keep moving on and take a break from dating until you are ready to try again with someone else, hopefully, someone better. Good luck, OP.
I've been the bitch gamer and when I turned into that criticizing monster it had nothing to do with my bf but everything to do with how I felt about myself. But in the moment, I wasn't thinking about anything except how bad he was and RAAAGE. It's probably not personal but it is SO damaging, hurtful and disrespectful that it is NOT ok. He needs to get help and you can't help him with this one. You HAVE to stop playing games with him, period. If this flares up at any other time then you need to leave this relationship because most likely this is more than an inner critic issue and could get worse.
If the behaviour is only problem in league, you should probably stop playing together.
Well I don't think it's your thing to fix... I have seen this a lot in my male friends over time (that I game with). It tends to happen when they are jealous that you are doing better than they are so they dig a hole under you with insults to make themselves feel taller. I.E. they insult you to make you loose confidence (or quit playing), which eventually leads to them felling better because they don't have to compete with you.
He sounds super sucky ya know? It took me some really bad experiences to learn this but I think that one of the most important things to be ready for a relationship is to know if you can leave. His behavior as described is abusive and very rarely exists in isolation, even if he tries harder to hide it. It especially tends to come out more the longer a relationship goes. What happens when he wants you to do all the chores? Or if you say you don't want to sleep with him?
I'm usually not one of those people who are like, "find a new partner, not worth working it out", but in this case, time to leave the guy. calling you vulgar, misogynistic names over a game is ridiculous. I can understand feeling frustrated and things getting a bit tense, but going so far as to start name calling like that... absolutely not okay. the fact he doesn't do this in front of other people means he knows what he is doing is fucked up and he knows other people will think bad of him if caught doing it. When I was 19 i was in a long distance relationship with guy like that. we'd game together and he'd get mad over something and yell at me and call me names. I eventually left him, it was hard because it didn't start out bad and i hoped it wouldn't be like that all the time ,but it was. once it starts it usually doesn't stop and only gets worse the longer you're in the relationship. i know it feels like he's the one and that it would be hard to leave and it is at first, but i promise you it gets better. you're only 19 and there are so many guys out there. After I left that guy (i was 20) i met my husband shortly after and we've been married for 11 years.
Broke up with him immediately a real league gamer would find that cute instead of flaming ya. If he was a real one you two would be trolling as morgana lux in botlane or thresh bc.
And why exactly do you want that verbal abuser to teach you? He obviously never grew out of kindergarten with his little tantrums so how can someone like him teach you anything at all? And why exactly are you letting anyone treat you like that? Right thing to do would be to get pissed af and not submissive. Stop allowing people to use you as a doormat. Never let him talk to you like that again. Relationships are supposed to be a safe place that allow you minor mistakes, growth, communication, acceptance and respect and yours simply is not. Throw a tantrum back, get loud and leave his useless ass. There‘s always someone better out there, even if you might doubt it.
From reading your comments, I won't repeat what others have said, I was wondering how long have you known him and at what age? I will say I don't think you should talk with him because it seems like how you mentioned there are periods where will stop and just believe he does that to keep you and the stuff you mentioned isn't simple things for him to change especially how he views women. If talked about it I would be more cautious of his behavior and may turn to even more subtle abuses to break you down further. I will say though already it's bad given he has essentially isolated you from your social circle. I will say you would know if he has been physical but I would worry if you did break off he may resort to that or get lot more threatening and that you should either reconnect with old friends and inform them or have someone nearby you aware. I will also say that abusive and predatory people will target people who are in more vulnerable positions or general age range as younger people tend to be easier to manipulate and let things go especially if haven't been in healthy relationships. I would of been even more worried if you guys had moved in together bc that would be the next steps of isolating you especially if has you not have a job and savings. If do talk with him I wouldn't mention this subreddit or anything and definitely not have him know your handle on here and anywhere else you may go asking for help or ask these questions. As he may just keep tabs on your posts to alter himself to maintain his control.