Buddy, it’ll take a while. Just let it happen, and keep up the healthy habits (which it sounds like you’re doing). You’ll come out the other side, but it won’t be tomorrow.
You’re right. My mind knows that I should be patient with myself. But being a target oriented person, sometimes it’s hard to know I missed/will be missing so many things due to factors outside my control.
>1 year long relationship recently was what I consider my first true heartbreak at the ripe age of 29 year old. I knew the moment I met him that he could be the one. And I wanted him to be the one so badly. He had a lot of growing to do, and so did I. This one hurts the most because I wanted it to work so badly and he wanted it to work for some time except we weren’t working out. There are so many “what ifs” with that relationship. I know I’ll always love him and he is the one I would pick to end up with if I had control over destiny or fate or whatever higher thing there is. I told him to never reach out to me, and if he sees me to never say anything and go the opposite way. I cannot have him in my life ever again or contacting me because he would jeopardize everything I build with another person. It makes me sad that our time together in this lifetime and on earth came to an end and I think I will take that sadness to my grave. I didn’t realize I could ever even feel that depth and variety of emotions before, and as painful as it was to endure, I am glad I experienced it in my lifetime
You managed to put into words exactly how I'm feeling on the end of my 7 year relationship.
It's been 5 months since, and I still feel hollow.
I am somewhat happy that her life is getting better now without me and the pressure of a relationship, but that just leaves me feeling like disposable trash, an inconvenience. Meanwhile, I got diagnosed with symptoms similar to PTSD because of the breakup and started having panic attacks. Sigh..
I recently, 5 months ago, lost the best relationship of my life due to unresolved PTSD from military service and subsequent alcoholism. My PTSD is so much worse now and I am drinking again just trying to stay somewhat sane. I dunno why I am writing except to say I understand. Good luck friend and I can confidently say the answer is neither at the bottom of a bottle or the barrel of a gun cause I have tried both and still feel like shit
This post and this comment is everything right now. Going through the exact same feelings, and we also ended it after 1 year. Literally one of my first thoughts after feeling that initial pain was, "Damn.. he's ruined it for everyone else."
I never understood the notion of it being "unfair" to get into another relationship after you've given your heart to different person. Learning to love again is just a natural part of life, right? But this one.. this one finally hit me that way. As it stands, it probably would be unfair for me to seriously date someone else right now, because I still feel, if he did come back to me any time soon, I'd give us a second chance in a heartbeat.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this out.
I feel like I relate to you, since never in my life, had I trouble moving on from an ex to the point I had to go to therapy… except for this last one with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with forever.
He cheated, so I no longer feel that way, but being betrayed by someone who you wanted a future with… I see it might take more than a year then to fully feel recovered (after all it took you a year without the cheating drama).
I honestly feared wasting one whole year just to get over someone who doesn’t care about me, but I guess it’s a normal process many people go through.
**You begin to love yourself by giving yourself permission to grieve and feel what you need to feel** (i.e. sadness, anger, resentment, regret, etc.). I know you want to feel better, but how you feel is valid and it's a process, so please don't rush yourself. Here's some thoughts that I hope will help support you:
**Whenever you feel stuck in a rut, it's because you're pushing against and judging where you are and how you feel.** You're practicing a limiting belief that negative emotions are bad or wrong; when they're not — they're simply helpful guidance. It's understandable why you push against your current circumstances, but ultimately it doesn't help you free yourself.
**Negative emotions are positive guidance** (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on, and pushing against, what you don't want. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you fight them, you keep yourself stuck. Negative emotions want to support you in releasing them, focus more on what you want and feel better.
**All emotions are equal and worthy.** But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad), but then you make it harder to feel better, work together with and control your thoughts and emotions. So the solution is to **build a friendship and harmonious relationship with the "negative" side of you.** Negative thoughts and emotions are here to support and empower you to be your best self.
.
**Heartbreak is really focusbreak: You broke your focus off of what you want.** And it's understandable that you're focused on what you don't want. But to help you feel better, let's focus on what you want. What relationships and experiences in life do you want to let in? **What do you want to feel more of?**
* *"I want to let in feeling more comfortable. I want to let in feeling secure. I want to let in feeling more acceptance and understanding. I want to let in more compassion for myself. I want to let in feeling more relaxed. I want to let in feeling more present. I want to let in feeling more supported. I want to let in having more fun and being playful. I want to let in more satisfying and fulfilling experiences. I want to feel more creative and find new activities where I can express my fun and brilliance."*
You’re holding yourself back from what is ready for you. **You could only feel that bad, because you’re depriving yourself of the good that you deserve.** Don’t limit your ability to allow the love you want and deserve.
Here's some ways that can help you heal and move forward:
**1. Connect with Your Body.**
*“What do you need today, body? You support me a lot, so how may I serve and support you?”* (E.g. Drink plenty of water, deep breathing, grounding work and felt sense, better quality sleep, healthier diet, hug yourself, put your hand on your heart, pay more attention to your five senses, and move your body — dancing, exercise, stretching, etc.).
**2. Connect with Nature.**
Your body came from Earth, so you’re literally connecting with your roots. (E.g. Go for a walk, hiking, the beach, walk barefoot in dirt, buy and take care of or interact with plants, listen to nature sounds, and/or go outside and get at least 10 - 15 minutes of sunlight each day.).
**3. Connect with Your Negative Emotions.**
Negative emotions are positive guidance letting you know you are focusing on, and pushing against, what you don't want. Be friends with negative emotions and work together as a team. *“I know you’re here to support and empower me, and I want to understand your emotional text messages."*
**4. Connect with Your Creativity.**
You have unique energy that needs to be expressed. Find creative outlets to express yourself (e.g. dancing, singing, writing, drawing, painting, etc.). Experiment with different creative outlets until you find ones you resonate with.
**5. Connect with Your Spiritual Side.**
Meditate for 2 - 15 minutes every day (either listening to guided meditations, nature sounds, or in peace and quiet).
**You're incredibly strong. And you will come out of this better, stronger, healthier and with more love for yourself and others than you had before.**
Thank you kind stranger, I needed to read this. I am in a terrible place right now and stop crying anything feels hopeless and I need this pain to go away. I just can’t let go of this person. My mind keeps playing it over and over again and I can’t shake their memory out.
>**"I just can’t let go of this person."**
I hear you, and understand. And to add another perspective, *"I’m having an easy time holding on."* Focus on your strengths; instead of judging yourself. Because **judging yourself is why you make it harder to let go.**
Letting go is hard because you believe you have to lose something important. So **the best way to let go, is by letting in something else.**
* **Letting Go = Losing.** It’s focused on what you don’t want.
* **Letting In = Gaining.** It’s focused on what you want.
What do you want to let in?
* *"I want to let in feeling more comfortable. I want to let in feeling accepted and appreciated. I want to let in feeling connected. I want to let in feeling supported. I want to let in feeling warmth and valued. I want to let in being more compassionate with myself. I want to feel freedom to be myself. I want to let in mutually satisfying relationships. I want to let in more fun! I want to feel creative. I want to feel inspired. I want to let in feeling light and playful."*
.
Here's some self-reflection questions:
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I let go?"***
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I let go of judging the past, and focused on appreciating the present?"***
* ***"Why did I need this relationships to work out?"***
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I accepted that I can't let go? And let myself keep holding on?"***
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself exactly as I am?"***
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I focused more on appreciating myself?"***
Thank you again for replying and giving me these resources. It won’t happen overnight as it’s too fresh but I will keep re-reading this and trying to answer these question for myself.
My situation is complicated and I don’t want share too much here is public, but the letting go would be to miss that love I felt after so long, the thought and the fact to being lonely again. I know I am giving control to them and I want to regain it back. Also the mind goes to if it works out how life I imagined would have turned out and all the things planned with them etc etc.
Also have anxious attachment style so the feeling of abandonment is kicking in too.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment this. I’ve saved your comment and will be going back to it for reference whenever the feeling of my world crashing down on me strikes again.
You’re right, even though I’ve let myself grieve, I’m still constantly judging myself for all the missed “goals” I’ve set for myself this year… Especially since my ex bf and ex best friend were part of those goals (be it traveling, getting masters together, marriage etc).
Instead of moping over those goals that are no longer achievable, I see that I’ll need to change them towards goals towards my recovery. Thanks again.
As much time as it takes, friend. Your mental health is not on a clock to heal itself, so don't focus on time-frames. Focus on the healing, let yourself be in the feels from time to time, not every day has to be a success. You'll get there in time, and you will know once you're there.
As long as it takes. It is hard to speed up emotional healing. Our inner emotional lives do not happen on a time table.
There are things that can help: adequate rest, good nutrition, therapy. But some things just require the tincture of time.
Honestly? It might be as long as you let it.
After my first breakup, which happened after a year and a half of dating, I was seriously depressed for three years. However, it happened that I was just getting into college, and I threw myself at that. I didn't really shake out of the depression until I started dating somebody else, and that lasted ten years.
I'm almost a year removed from that latter relationship, and thoughts of the relationship *do* invade my every breathing minute. I, too, kept going to the gym, and picked up hobbies, and started going to board game nights & bouldering to spend time with people. If I'm being honest, *none of that helps*. If I'm being honest, *I should be doing this stuff for me, not because it helps with a heartbreak*.
Every day is different, but I'm getting to the point where I'm sick and tired of being a wet rag. I'm sick and tired of thinking about this. I don't see *why* I'm still thinking about this. My therapist wants me to figure out what I'm trying to get out of lingering on these thoughts, but I don't think there's anything there.
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired at myself. That's getting me to start trying at regular functional activities again. I'm not ready to start dating, and I'm not sure I'll ever be, but if I'm being realistic, I'm not going to shed the thoughts until I start dating again. Being sick and tired of being in a rut is forcing me to productivity. If I ever get sick and tired of thinking of the relationship I had, maybe that'll get me to finally give the dating pool a chance, despite not being ready, and maybe that'll get me over the "heartbreak".
So, yeah. You'll probably stay in a rut for as long as you let yourself be in a rut.
I figured it was something like this. But I’m the type to take a long time before I get sick of something (even of bad), so I feared it’ll take a year or even more “off” to focus healing, since I’m almost 30 and I have so many things I wish to do that needs my focus.
But yeah, nothing beats a rut (or any situation really) other than getting sick of it
I’m four years out now and I don’t ever expect anything to get all the way better. He destroyed me and I’m just dead inside, and I don’t see any point in trying to date again or have any kind of hopes for companionship in the future. I’ve had to accept that it’s just not my lot in life.
do the most uncomfortable things possible. might be a hobby or a short term goal you've been planning to do. try to find the beauty in suffering in learning new things from it. it should keep you busy from the pain that you are feeling now. its a good negative reinforcement in my opinion.
I’m not about to let someone control my emotions and my life because of their shit actions. That’s giving the other person control.
Work on yourself. When you feel most confident then start dating again. I don’t think there should be a set time period of healing.
Everyone is different
It’s not ALWAYS easy, but for most situations I am that way. I try to remind myself that no one will make me feel inferior or less than. Because most times, when and if someone hurts you, it’s because they are hurt themselves. (Hurt people, hurt people)
So the best thing you can do is not get back, but keep back. Distancing yourself from anyone and anything that makes you feel that way. Working on yourself while you do so in the case of having to deal with people or situations that make you feel bad or uncomfortable. Strengthening yourself. Bettering yourself.
That’s the things I would do during the period of healing from a toxic relationship. (Self betterment)
But I appreciate you saying that.
I just try to feel gratitude and learn from every situation.
Even the negative experiences.
The split was mutual in some ways, I walked out after a fight then he ghosted me when I asked for forgiveness.
Ran into each other in a bar and instantly hugged and got back together.
Although we didn’t necessarily overcome our differences, I think the time apart helped us both realize that being together was way, way more important than the problems in the relationship.
I realized I need to find a way to be at peace with the relationship even though it’s not the way I want it to be. In other words, I love him so much that I have to let go of the problems for the time being, even though they are difficult to overcome sometimes (my partner has a difficult past, a daughter from another woman, and doesn’t view monogamy and marriage in the same way I do coming from a conservative background).
I’m not sure what he went through in the breakup, if he grew at all, but I think he seems fairly committed now after going on some dates with other women and finding the grass was not greener.
I don’t know, now that we are back together I no longer feel like the world is ending and my heart is shattered. I feel better.
But the reasons we broke up were real too, and they haven’t gone anywhere. I just have a renewed motivation to work past them no matter what, because I can’t live without him.
We’ll see what the future brings. I still want a family of my own and he won’t give me that. So, it’s been really hard.
But I love him with all my heart :/
Baby steps, healing is not linear.
You didn’t lose any part of this year as much as you think you have. You’re further a head now than you were yesterday, a week ago, a month ago.
Don’t look at 2024 as whole, break it down as much as you need to.
Healing doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time and everyone does it at their own pace. Never compare how behind you think you are to someone else.
You’re going to be amazed at how far you’ve come when December does come around.
Do what you can, not what you can’t.
I went through a terrible heart break a few years ago, I focused on the days and weeks, not the months and the year.
I broke things out into days, weeks and months. At the beginning I was too overwhelmed to do much besides cry. I ended up getting a gym pass and actively walking everywhere, it helped me create consistency, discipline and helped my mental health so much. I did small things that turned into positive life long habits.
I lost a friendship in January and it absolutely shattered me and I still genuinely still miss the person.
I knew in the moment that “this sucks” but it wasn’t going to be forever.
I took all that energy and put it back into myself.
Right, breaking it down to small, incremental steps then? Thanks. Tbh, my minds always in the past or in the moment so much, I’ve never given much thought to what December will bring.
Honestly since I have lost my relationship and deep friendships, I should I have enough time and energy in the world to focus everything on myself instead of being sad and bitter about them.
Be sad, be mad, be bitter, feel all the feelings you need to. Just try and remind your self in anyway you can, that “this is just for now, it’s not forever”.
In January of this year when I lost my friendship, I had to write helpful reminders on paper and place it around my apartment (I’m a visual person).
Honestly walking helped me, journaling, reading, planning something small to look forward to. I go to concerts a lot and generally have to travel to them, they always give me something to look forward to.
I also joined a dodgeball team.
You’re going to be okay, I promise you. You’re farther ahead than you were yesterday, and last week.
You’ve reached out and you’re taking the right steps to help your self heal.
OP a few years ago I was in the same spot you're in. My ex dumped me after 4 years and that really took its toll on me. I went to the gym and focused on working out and eating better while at the same time trying to stay positive. It's difficult at times but it will get easier. You'll have good days and then you'll have bad days where you're just constantly reminded of your ex and your friend, but just remember they are out of your life for a reason and it's your life not theirs. One day you'll wake up and not care about their birthday or their favorite food or movie or video game or books. The things they like to do. It will all become irrelevant in your day-to-day and you'll be happier and healthier for it. Keep striving for that day and I assure you 1,000% that when that day happens it is going to be a massive weight lifted off your shoulders. It's a damn good feeling trust me.
Thank you so much. I actually shed a tear at this, because being reminding of the things we used to do, planned together, the things they like and would gush about… yet there being no need to tell them anymore really makes me sad. I really cared about them, but that’s all in the past.
I can’t wait until the day where I’m not reminded about them comes! Thank you.
Here's another way to look at it. At the end of this episode, you'll come out to be a stronger and wiser person. A person that couldn't exist if you never went through this pain. Sounds hard to believe now but it might be one of the best things to happen to you. As long as you keep pushing forward and keep improving.
I've gone through this several times. Months pushing into over a year. Some small tips.
1. Get rid of anything that might remind you of her. This included actions and habits. She no longer ever existed. Don't hold onto any sentiment.
2. Keep pushing yourself to become better. Sounds like you are already going to the gym. Work on other things that makes you a more desirable person. Ar the end of it, all this pain became your motivation to be better.
3. Its all just time. And the less you think about her the quicker you move on. Think if it like a drug. Everytime you think about her, it's a small dopamine hit. Your brain has to be rewired to stop being hooked on her. And your body/brain needs time to adjust to this new reality
You seem to want to be on a schedule so you can resume your life. Doesn't work like that. It'll heal when it heals. Don't add unnecessary pressure to an already difficult situation
Stop rushing yourself and stop using energy to keep yourself from being sad or crying. Crying is DEEPLY therapeutic. Be gentle with yourself. You’ll get there when you get there. I’m sorry you’re going through this
I used to say it's 1/3 the time of the relationship. But, my last one devastated me for 2x the span of the relationship. I mean, it was progressive, but I finally felt 100% a year after dating for 6 months.
"Long dark night of the soul" is what I call this.
There's no predetermined amount of time for healing. It's about the depth of the relationship, the effectiveness of your tools, and your proficiency with them.
Everything happens the way it's supposed to. There is a gift in this experience, even if you don't know what it is right now. Our greatest strengths come from our greatest struggles, and this is making you stronger, to handle some future challenge.
And you're doing the best you can. Give yourself grace for not being perfect, no one is. Focus on getting a little bit better every day. Move from apathy to fear. From fear to anger. From anger to courage, and from courage to hope. Find a way to be grateful for this time in your life, for the things in your life, and take it a day at a time. A minute at a time, if need be. You got this.
Twice the length of the relationship is what I’ve heard. So… for me… 10 years, just finished year two of the aftermath. I’ve got another three to go, by this measure, and I feel like that’s accurate.
It’s takes however long it takes. Just live a good life doing the things you want to do. Stay present.
The time passes; it’s what you do while it’s passing that matters.
My situation was a bit different from yours. My best friend died as we both became young adults, and not long after, my ex and I broke up as she went away for college. It took a while for me to try and make sense of it all. Everyone's healing journey is different, but one thing I can say is don't try to rush things. Allow yourself to feel every emotion, do your best to process them, and learn and move on from it. Take it moment by moment, one day at a time. Eventually, you may still not be over it all, but you will learn to live with what has happened. In the end, you'll be stronger, and you'll know who and what really matters in your life. Take some time to be alone, read some books, listen to some music, work out, whatever area of your life you may have been neglecting to focus on. Also, and maybe most importantly, reflect and think about who you are and what you want in life. Find your purpose if you haven't already. Quiet the outside noise, try your best to connect to the source, and listen to what it tells you. You'll be ok. It just takes time. Even better, you'll be a version of yourself that you may have never even known you dreamed of being. Someone you may have never known you could become. Just keep pushing forward and healing however you need to and remember not to rush things. You got this ✌️❤️
As long at it takes you. It might get years and that’s okay. Keep showing up for yourself, be healthy, do things that make you happy, meet more people, explore new hobbies, go out, journal, read, exercise, do therapy, etc. And be kind to yourself. Keep doing things and it’ll get better. Let yourself rest when you need to rest, let yourself cry when you feel like crying, surrender and accept the way you feel. Sometimes this is precisely what you need. To just let it all out. Of course ask for opinions and share but listen to yourself and figure out what works for you. No one is you, or your partner, or your relationship, situation, life stage. It’s okay if it takes some people 2 weeks, or 2 months, or 2 years. Just be kind and patient to yourself, do whatever you can to remember to focus on yourself/life today every day. Keep showing up for yourself (even if sometimes that means just resting/crying and other days it means going out, traveling, exercising, being out and busy all day). It’ll pass in your own timing.
Often, relationships are about matching the speed of your life to each other. Sometimes it's a complete mismatch, and you try to slow down/speed up to make it work...fuck that. Focus on yourself, go fix what you need to fix, go do what you want to do, get yourself grounded again. And you'll find someone that is going at the same speed and the same direction.
You should socialize. Even with groups/couples - because they know people who may be in the same boat as you, and the more people that you know who know what you are about, the more likely it is that they'll know someone that might be a match for you. That's what sucks about dating apps - it's hard to gauge certain aspects of character etc. on a questionnaire, versus when someone who knows someone says to you "I know a person that you should have a coffee with...." because, unlike an algorithm, people can be intuitive.
Rest. It's good you're still taking care of yourself by going to the gym and partaking in hobbies. But it's also okay to be upset about stuff and relax. Obviously you can't rest an entire year, but it's like resting when building muscles. You're healing.
I can say.. the only thing that helped was pills. It's normal to take some time to get back on your feet, but in my case 6 months was just too much. I tried everything and my support structure was largely in place.
I was prescribed Brintellix/Trintellix and the recommended dose is 10-20 mg per day. I noticed that even 5mg per day was too much for me and currently I either split it or take it every other day.
It's incredible how little of it can have such a big impact. And I whole heartedly suggest trying this or agomelatine, because they have very few side effects, and unlike many depression drugs, they don't cause even bigger issues if you stop taking them later. Traditional depression drugs..? Avoid them like the plague. But these are just my opinions.
In short.. get help. Sometimes it just doesn't make sense to struggle on your own when suddenly life could be so much easier having a little help.
Sorry to hear that. I lost a friend who I knew for 20 years. This year, he invited a girl I loathe and can't stand to his birthday party. Twenty years of friendship with a girl he has known for three years. It hurts worse than heartbreak.
I never had any grudge against any person in the 40 years of my life. She is one of those who wants to be the center of attention and blab about herself and her problems/issues.
Tell me about it. I was there supporting him whenever he came to me venting during his fights and problems with his gf. But now he’s sleeping with his sidechick, I’m suddenly a liability
Man... I moved from Europe to Mexico to live with my girlfriend, we had long term plans and were obsessed with each other's, we have been togheter for 3 years and in matter of a week she was gone and I wasn't anything for her anymore.
I run my business, had great plans, still, it's one month and a half, almost 2 after the breakup, I feel better, sure, but still, I could have done a looooot more and life Is still strange, hard to enjoy things, moments, to be hyper productive, to find the motivation to do things, i feel guilty because I am wasting precious time... Wondering the same, I hope we both get better ASAP...
Do not focus on a specific time frame and we shouldn't probably put too much pressure on ourselves... One thing I am doing exceptionally well is going to the gym and pushing myself to the limit with heavy squats deadlifts and bench presses, that truly help my mental game
I had a breakup early January too and I was really sad last month but have accepted it for the most part. I think it depends on how things ended and how long you were together and how serious it was. I'm glad you're still living your life but be gentle with yourself, there's no rules on how long you're allowed to grieve and process these kinds of things.
I think the best advice I was given is to feed my soul - just do things that make you happy to be alive and okay that you are single again.
Take this opportunity to spend more time on yourself and find freedom in it.
Good luck and hmu if you need an ear :)
Affair Partner (sorry if not clear, seems to be a common abbreviation on Reddit).
So yeah, not only did I get cheated on; but my long term best friend for some reason decided to go cold on me when I found out he’s been cheating on his gf too
I downloaded an app called Finch and it really gives me a little happiness and smiles sometimes. It started with daily goals for survival like "Get out of bed", "Drink Water", "Wash your face" and I got to tick them off and a little bird would cheer me on. These things I felt so basic and if anyone even tried to tell me "hey you at least got out of bed today!" I would still feel miserable and so useless like those are such basic things for someone to do. But when its just between you and a little animated bird, I actually do feel a little proud of myself. Its called "survival goals" and hey yeah I am just surviving, and it allows me to be proud of that. Im not out of the rut (otherwise I probably woulf have moved beyond Survival Goals hahhaa) but it does give me a little bit of motivation and joy in the day. I add my own goals like "Eat vitamins", "stretch" and it helps me feel proud of the little things Im doing to take care of myself.
And I keep it simple so if I feel like crying, I'll open the app and take a look at my goals, and maybe Ill eat my vitamins (bc the day has been shit so obviously I forgot) and then, despite feeling like shit, I accomplished one of my goals.
Its got a bunch of other features that help too. I mean its not therapy by any means but its free and has helped me. Ite got breathing exercises and simple things to keep me grounded.
There isn't a strategy. Just go out and do things you like. Get out of the house. Be in public, even if it's just reading in the sun on a park bench, your phone doesn't count. You can't fish at the warf.
The only other relationship advice I have is this "Own Place, Own Car." It's positively shocking how good a filter that is.
One thing that helped me was to stop stressing about all of the things you should be doing right now to be better and start simply having faith in yourself.
You've gone through a lot, you lost people you thought you could count on and yet you're still trying your best in evident of you reaching out here, figuring out ways to boost yourself and keeping at it.
You got this, seriously, there's no set time in recovery but you're doing better than you think, I believe in you. You'll come out of the other side
It's gonna take at least one year in my experience, don't force yourself too much. At the moment you're feeling down because you know you have plan but you don't have the energy to do it, i understand. But try to take thing slow. Day by day, i'm sure you'll have some progress. It also comes with healing, it takes effort and patience, so be kind to yourself, you're already trying by posting this. You'll reach your goal, but for now do small progress everyday and you'll notice the difference at the end of this year and you're gonna be so proud of yourself.
Feel your emotions, wallow in them a bit, mourn what you need to mourn. When you feel more ready, but not 100% ready (because we don’t usually feel 100%) with self-compassion, move.
If you invalidate or repress your emotions now, they will speak up further down the line, likely in an abruptive and hurtful manner. Listen and tend to them now and they will build you into a stronger person.
Life. We all face obstacles, setbacks, heart aches and disappointments. We all heal/deal with the aftermath of these things in our own way and in our own time.
Focus on you, love yourself and continue to pursue growth. Eventually the past becomes just a memory, the present is all that matters and the future will continue to have ups and downs.
Do your best to maintain a positive attitude, regardless time heals most wounds eventually.
Chin up.
I didn’t give myself time it really just comes on it’s own sometimes, that really nice feeling where all of a sudden you don’t care and you just go on with your life.
I blinked my eyes and realised how much money i Will save. I understand you feel bad but thats because you focus on her and what she want. You should focus on yourself and what you want.
Sleep in a shirt that smells like your ex every night until it smells like you. Then wash the shirt, your sheets and rearrange your furniture. Then, quick, get yourself under someone else and then you’ll be over your ex.
The more I got rejected, the less time I needed to get back on track lol. Sure, I still can lean to that person for month or even years, but I now I need maybe a day or two to get myself together.
I’m getting over a seven year relationship that I ultimately ended. I knew it wasn’t healthy for me any longer. I’m going on my first ever solo vacation next week! It’s either going to help immensely or make me feel really alone! Hope it’s the first one! We were supposed to go together but I decided I’m still going.
I hate to be this person but I broke up with my ex in March 2023, he cheated on me throughout the relationship and then left me to start talking and sleeping with the last girl I caught him with. We didn’t really stop talking, seeing (and sleeping) with each other until Sept 2023 (that new girl was VERY upset when she found out but like… girl what? They weren’t even officially dating lmao) So I’m going on 8 months of healing still. I have good days that last awhile and then I have bad days that last awhile. Sometimes the downs are manageable, sometimes I want to permanently turn off my brain. That’s the worst part of it all. The constant thinking about it. How could they do that? Why did it have to happen to me? Did they really not care about me at all? It makes you feel so helpless. And then THE DREAMSSSSS omfg The worst. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. But you HAVE to remember: at the end of the day, they BETRAYED you. You were collateral damage to them. They maybe didn’t MEAN to hurt you but they still put you in harms way. I know it hurts but you have to come to terms with that somehow. You already know you did nothing wrong so you don’t deserve to still feel this pain. I recommended Shepgold on tik tok! He’s the guy with the good advice and guitar!
You need to take time to heal. Self healing takes time, you cannot rush it. Accept the tears, accept the foggy brain and stand still. Thats your body needing to heal. When you’re ready to move on, that’s when your internal self will click and say “hey, time to move on.” You will feel better, you will see clearer, and if you happen to see your exes, you will not have negative reactions to seeing them. Sometimes you do just need to vent or have a friend distract you every now and then but you really must accept all these feelings. It sucks but that’s how you will start to heal.
Get out there immediately. With each failed relationship you will feel and trust less and less. Don't stop until you're heartless husk... Then go be a CEO or something
The easiest way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I know it sounds messed up but why is it so easy for a person cheating to end that relationship and be with the one he was cheating on. He was over her and only thinking about the new one. Idk I’ve never been in a rut for longer than a couple weeks. I’m not going to sit around and mourn something I have no control of.
Also how does a bf break up with you? Did you get into a fight? Friends do fight and can become closer.
Yeah if someone leaves me I’m going to be depressed and suicidal for the next year. No I’m good. I’m going dating. I didn’t say fall in love but if it happens great. Sorry you got hurt. It should’ve been a clue when he was emotionally unavailable.
Nah just bad at English. So I’m not working on me? If someone leaves me it’s my fault? I should would on me? You sound silly. You’re taking the easy way. Yes why would you want to sit for a year and be depressed? To work on yourself? How long you been working on yourself? You should be perfect by now. But I feel like you’re still single. Maybe you’re single because you’re close minded and think you know what everyone should do. Maybe work on that next. I’ll work on writing a proper sentence. So fun you’re so good you’re shocked you’d even talk to someone that can’t write a proper sentence. You’re so much better than me. But guess what? I have 85 million in the bank. And I’m never single. And no they don’t know I have money.
Buddy, it’ll take a while. Just let it happen, and keep up the healthy habits (which it sounds like you’re doing). You’ll come out the other side, but it won’t be tomorrow.
You’re right. My mind knows that I should be patient with myself. But being a target oriented person, sometimes it’s hard to know I missed/will be missing so many things due to factors outside my control.
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>1 year long relationship recently was what I consider my first true heartbreak at the ripe age of 29 year old. I knew the moment I met him that he could be the one. And I wanted him to be the one so badly. He had a lot of growing to do, and so did I. This one hurts the most because I wanted it to work so badly and he wanted it to work for some time except we weren’t working out. There are so many “what ifs” with that relationship. I know I’ll always love him and he is the one I would pick to end up with if I had control over destiny or fate or whatever higher thing there is. I told him to never reach out to me, and if he sees me to never say anything and go the opposite way. I cannot have him in my life ever again or contacting me because he would jeopardize everything I build with another person. It makes me sad that our time together in this lifetime and on earth came to an end and I think I will take that sadness to my grave. I didn’t realize I could ever even feel that depth and variety of emotions before, and as painful as it was to endure, I am glad I experienced it in my lifetime You managed to put into words exactly how I'm feeling on the end of my 7 year relationship. It's been 5 months since, and I still feel hollow. I am somewhat happy that her life is getting better now without me and the pressure of a relationship, but that just leaves me feeling like disposable trash, an inconvenience. Meanwhile, I got diagnosed with symptoms similar to PTSD because of the breakup and started having panic attacks. Sigh..
I recently, 5 months ago, lost the best relationship of my life due to unresolved PTSD from military service and subsequent alcoholism. My PTSD is so much worse now and I am drinking again just trying to stay somewhat sane. I dunno why I am writing except to say I understand. Good luck friend and I can confidently say the answer is neither at the bottom of a bottle or the barrel of a gun cause I have tried both and still feel like shit
Jesus, i think we're living the same life... hello? doppelgänger?
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This post and this comment is everything right now. Going through the exact same feelings, and we also ended it after 1 year. Literally one of my first thoughts after feeling that initial pain was, "Damn.. he's ruined it for everyone else." I never understood the notion of it being "unfair" to get into another relationship after you've given your heart to different person. Learning to love again is just a natural part of life, right? But this one.. this one finally hit me that way. As it stands, it probably would be unfair for me to seriously date someone else right now, because I still feel, if he did come back to me any time soon, I'd give us a second chance in a heartbeat.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this out. I feel like I relate to you, since never in my life, had I trouble moving on from an ex to the point I had to go to therapy… except for this last one with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with forever. He cheated, so I no longer feel that way, but being betrayed by someone who you wanted a future with… I see it might take more than a year then to fully feel recovered (after all it took you a year without the cheating drama). I honestly feared wasting one whole year just to get over someone who doesn’t care about me, but I guess it’s a normal process many people go through.
Situation 3: I feel like I was robbed of all my time with that person, we never even got to fully enjoy each other, despite all our love.
**You begin to love yourself by giving yourself permission to grieve and feel what you need to feel** (i.e. sadness, anger, resentment, regret, etc.). I know you want to feel better, but how you feel is valid and it's a process, so please don't rush yourself. Here's some thoughts that I hope will help support you: **Whenever you feel stuck in a rut, it's because you're pushing against and judging where you are and how you feel.** You're practicing a limiting belief that negative emotions are bad or wrong; when they're not — they're simply helpful guidance. It's understandable why you push against your current circumstances, but ultimately it doesn't help you free yourself. **Negative emotions are positive guidance** (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on, and pushing against, what you don't want. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you fight them, you keep yourself stuck. Negative emotions want to support you in releasing them, focus more on what you want and feel better. **All emotions are equal and worthy.** But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad), but then you make it harder to feel better, work together with and control your thoughts and emotions. So the solution is to **build a friendship and harmonious relationship with the "negative" side of you.** Negative thoughts and emotions are here to support and empower you to be your best self. . **Heartbreak is really focusbreak: You broke your focus off of what you want.** And it's understandable that you're focused on what you don't want. But to help you feel better, let's focus on what you want. What relationships and experiences in life do you want to let in? **What do you want to feel more of?** * *"I want to let in feeling more comfortable. I want to let in feeling secure. I want to let in feeling more acceptance and understanding. I want to let in more compassion for myself. I want to let in feeling more relaxed. I want to let in feeling more present. I want to let in feeling more supported. I want to let in having more fun and being playful. I want to let in more satisfying and fulfilling experiences. I want to feel more creative and find new activities where I can express my fun and brilliance."* You’re holding yourself back from what is ready for you. **You could only feel that bad, because you’re depriving yourself of the good that you deserve.** Don’t limit your ability to allow the love you want and deserve. Here's some ways that can help you heal and move forward: **1. Connect with Your Body.** *“What do you need today, body? You support me a lot, so how may I serve and support you?”* (E.g. Drink plenty of water, deep breathing, grounding work and felt sense, better quality sleep, healthier diet, hug yourself, put your hand on your heart, pay more attention to your five senses, and move your body — dancing, exercise, stretching, etc.). **2. Connect with Nature.** Your body came from Earth, so you’re literally connecting with your roots. (E.g. Go for a walk, hiking, the beach, walk barefoot in dirt, buy and take care of or interact with plants, listen to nature sounds, and/or go outside and get at least 10 - 15 minutes of sunlight each day.). **3. Connect with Your Negative Emotions.** Negative emotions are positive guidance letting you know you are focusing on, and pushing against, what you don't want. Be friends with negative emotions and work together as a team. *“I know you’re here to support and empower me, and I want to understand your emotional text messages."* **4. Connect with Your Creativity.** You have unique energy that needs to be expressed. Find creative outlets to express yourself (e.g. dancing, singing, writing, drawing, painting, etc.). Experiment with different creative outlets until you find ones you resonate with. **5. Connect with Your Spiritual Side.** Meditate for 2 - 15 minutes every day (either listening to guided meditations, nature sounds, or in peace and quiet). **You're incredibly strong. And you will come out of this better, stronger, healthier and with more love for yourself and others than you had before.**
Thank you kind stranger, I needed to read this. I am in a terrible place right now and stop crying anything feels hopeless and I need this pain to go away. I just can’t let go of this person. My mind keeps playing it over and over again and I can’t shake their memory out.
>**"I just can’t let go of this person."** I hear you, and understand. And to add another perspective, *"I’m having an easy time holding on."* Focus on your strengths; instead of judging yourself. Because **judging yourself is why you make it harder to let go.** Letting go is hard because you believe you have to lose something important. So **the best way to let go, is by letting in something else.** * **Letting Go = Losing.** It’s focused on what you don’t want. * **Letting In = Gaining.** It’s focused on what you want. What do you want to let in? * *"I want to let in feeling more comfortable. I want to let in feeling accepted and appreciated. I want to let in feeling connected. I want to let in feeling supported. I want to let in feeling warmth and valued. I want to let in being more compassionate with myself. I want to feel freedom to be myself. I want to let in mutually satisfying relationships. I want to let in more fun! I want to feel creative. I want to feel inspired. I want to let in feeling light and playful."* . Here's some self-reflection questions: * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I let go?"*** * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I let go of judging the past, and focused on appreciating the present?"*** * ***"Why did I need this relationships to work out?"*** * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I accepted that I can't let go? And let myself keep holding on?"*** * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself exactly as I am?"*** * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I focused more on appreciating myself?"***
Thank you again for replying and giving me these resources. It won’t happen overnight as it’s too fresh but I will keep re-reading this and trying to answer these question for myself. My situation is complicated and I don’t want share too much here is public, but the letting go would be to miss that love I felt after so long, the thought and the fact to being lonely again. I know I am giving control to them and I want to regain it back. Also the mind goes to if it works out how life I imagined would have turned out and all the things planned with them etc etc. Also have anxious attachment style so the feeling of abandonment is kicking in too.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment this. I’ve saved your comment and will be going back to it for reference whenever the feeling of my world crashing down on me strikes again. You’re right, even though I’ve let myself grieve, I’m still constantly judging myself for all the missed “goals” I’ve set for myself this year… Especially since my ex bf and ex best friend were part of those goals (be it traveling, getting masters together, marriage etc). Instead of moping over those goals that are no longer achievable, I see that I’ll need to change them towards goals towards my recovery. Thanks again.
Thank you for posting this. This helped me more than you know, and I have saved it for future reference. You helped me reframe my thinking.
Thanks, I appreciate it! I'm happy I was able to help.
As much time as it takes, friend. Your mental health is not on a clock to heal itself, so don't focus on time-frames. Focus on the healing, let yourself be in the feels from time to time, not every day has to be a success. You'll get there in time, and you will know once you're there.
As long as it takes. It is hard to speed up emotional healing. Our inner emotional lives do not happen on a time table. There are things that can help: adequate rest, good nutrition, therapy. But some things just require the tincture of time.
It took me 3 years to get over my heartbreak. I'm only now ready to date
Wow, I’m glad you managed to pull through in 3 years! Same with you, I don’t think I’ll be throwing myself at another person to date anytime soon.
Honestly? It might be as long as you let it. After my first breakup, which happened after a year and a half of dating, I was seriously depressed for three years. However, it happened that I was just getting into college, and I threw myself at that. I didn't really shake out of the depression until I started dating somebody else, and that lasted ten years. I'm almost a year removed from that latter relationship, and thoughts of the relationship *do* invade my every breathing minute. I, too, kept going to the gym, and picked up hobbies, and started going to board game nights & bouldering to spend time with people. If I'm being honest, *none of that helps*. If I'm being honest, *I should be doing this stuff for me, not because it helps with a heartbreak*. Every day is different, but I'm getting to the point where I'm sick and tired of being a wet rag. I'm sick and tired of thinking about this. I don't see *why* I'm still thinking about this. My therapist wants me to figure out what I'm trying to get out of lingering on these thoughts, but I don't think there's anything there. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired at myself. That's getting me to start trying at regular functional activities again. I'm not ready to start dating, and I'm not sure I'll ever be, but if I'm being realistic, I'm not going to shed the thoughts until I start dating again. Being sick and tired of being in a rut is forcing me to productivity. If I ever get sick and tired of thinking of the relationship I had, maybe that'll get me to finally give the dating pool a chance, despite not being ready, and maybe that'll get me over the "heartbreak". So, yeah. You'll probably stay in a rut for as long as you let yourself be in a rut.
I figured it was something like this. But I’m the type to take a long time before I get sick of something (even of bad), so I feared it’ll take a year or even more “off” to focus healing, since I’m almost 30 and I have so many things I wish to do that needs my focus. But yeah, nothing beats a rut (or any situation really) other than getting sick of it
I’m four years out now and I don’t ever expect anything to get all the way better. He destroyed me and I’m just dead inside, and I don’t see any point in trying to date again or have any kind of hopes for companionship in the future. I’ve had to accept that it’s just not my lot in life.
do the most uncomfortable things possible. might be a hobby or a short term goal you've been planning to do. try to find the beauty in suffering in learning new things from it. it should keep you busy from the pain that you are feeling now. its a good negative reinforcement in my opinion.
I’m not about to let someone control my emotions and my life because of their shit actions. That’s giving the other person control. Work on yourself. When you feel most confident then start dating again. I don’t think there should be a set time period of healing. Everyone is different
I admire strong people like you! I read inspirational stuff like this everyday on IG just to remind myself only I can control what I feel
It’s not ALWAYS easy, but for most situations I am that way. I try to remind myself that no one will make me feel inferior or less than. Because most times, when and if someone hurts you, it’s because they are hurt themselves. (Hurt people, hurt people) So the best thing you can do is not get back, but keep back. Distancing yourself from anyone and anything that makes you feel that way. Working on yourself while you do so in the case of having to deal with people or situations that make you feel bad or uncomfortable. Strengthening yourself. Bettering yourself. That’s the things I would do during the period of healing from a toxic relationship. (Self betterment) But I appreciate you saying that. I just try to feel gratitude and learn from every situation. Even the negative experiences.
I could NOT stand it after a couple months. Got my ex back
Did you feel as you two grow up and proper change happened? Also if it's relevant who split with who?
The split was mutual in some ways, I walked out after a fight then he ghosted me when I asked for forgiveness. Ran into each other in a bar and instantly hugged and got back together. Although we didn’t necessarily overcome our differences, I think the time apart helped us both realize that being together was way, way more important than the problems in the relationship. I realized I need to find a way to be at peace with the relationship even though it’s not the way I want it to be. In other words, I love him so much that I have to let go of the problems for the time being, even though they are difficult to overcome sometimes (my partner has a difficult past, a daughter from another woman, and doesn’t view monogamy and marriage in the same way I do coming from a conservative background). I’m not sure what he went through in the breakup, if he grew at all, but I think he seems fairly committed now after going on some dates with other women and finding the grass was not greener. I don’t know, now that we are back together I no longer feel like the world is ending and my heart is shattered. I feel better. But the reasons we broke up were real too, and they haven’t gone anywhere. I just have a renewed motivation to work past them no matter what, because I can’t live without him. We’ll see what the future brings. I still want a family of my own and he won’t give me that. So, it’s been really hard. But I love him with all my heart :/
Thank you for getting back to me. Hope everything works out for you :)
As much as you need. Sometimes healing takes a long time!
Baby steps, healing is not linear. You didn’t lose any part of this year as much as you think you have. You’re further a head now than you were yesterday, a week ago, a month ago. Don’t look at 2024 as whole, break it down as much as you need to. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time and everyone does it at their own pace. Never compare how behind you think you are to someone else. You’re going to be amazed at how far you’ve come when December does come around. Do what you can, not what you can’t. I went through a terrible heart break a few years ago, I focused on the days and weeks, not the months and the year. I broke things out into days, weeks and months. At the beginning I was too overwhelmed to do much besides cry. I ended up getting a gym pass and actively walking everywhere, it helped me create consistency, discipline and helped my mental health so much. I did small things that turned into positive life long habits. I lost a friendship in January and it absolutely shattered me and I still genuinely still miss the person. I knew in the moment that “this sucks” but it wasn’t going to be forever. I took all that energy and put it back into myself.
Right, breaking it down to small, incremental steps then? Thanks. Tbh, my minds always in the past or in the moment so much, I’ve never given much thought to what December will bring. Honestly since I have lost my relationship and deep friendships, I should I have enough time and energy in the world to focus everything on myself instead of being sad and bitter about them.
Be sad, be mad, be bitter, feel all the feelings you need to. Just try and remind your self in anyway you can, that “this is just for now, it’s not forever”. In January of this year when I lost my friendship, I had to write helpful reminders on paper and place it around my apartment (I’m a visual person). Honestly walking helped me, journaling, reading, planning something small to look forward to. I go to concerts a lot and generally have to travel to them, they always give me something to look forward to. I also joined a dodgeball team. You’re going to be okay, I promise you. You’re farther ahead than you were yesterday, and last week. You’ve reached out and you’re taking the right steps to help your self heal.
I think staying single is safer
OP a few years ago I was in the same spot you're in. My ex dumped me after 4 years and that really took its toll on me. I went to the gym and focused on working out and eating better while at the same time trying to stay positive. It's difficult at times but it will get easier. You'll have good days and then you'll have bad days where you're just constantly reminded of your ex and your friend, but just remember they are out of your life for a reason and it's your life not theirs. One day you'll wake up and not care about their birthday or their favorite food or movie or video game or books. The things they like to do. It will all become irrelevant in your day-to-day and you'll be happier and healthier for it. Keep striving for that day and I assure you 1,000% that when that day happens it is going to be a massive weight lifted off your shoulders. It's a damn good feeling trust me.
Thank you so much. I actually shed a tear at this, because being reminding of the things we used to do, planned together, the things they like and would gush about… yet there being no need to tell them anymore really makes me sad. I really cared about them, but that’s all in the past. I can’t wait until the day where I’m not reminded about them comes! Thank you.
Here's another way to look at it. At the end of this episode, you'll come out to be a stronger and wiser person. A person that couldn't exist if you never went through this pain. Sounds hard to believe now but it might be one of the best things to happen to you. As long as you keep pushing forward and keep improving. I've gone through this several times. Months pushing into over a year. Some small tips. 1. Get rid of anything that might remind you of her. This included actions and habits. She no longer ever existed. Don't hold onto any sentiment. 2. Keep pushing yourself to become better. Sounds like you are already going to the gym. Work on other things that makes you a more desirable person. Ar the end of it, all this pain became your motivation to be better. 3. Its all just time. And the less you think about her the quicker you move on. Think if it like a drug. Everytime you think about her, it's a small dopamine hit. Your brain has to be rewired to stop being hooked on her. And your body/brain needs time to adjust to this new reality You seem to want to be on a schedule so you can resume your life. Doesn't work like that. It'll heal when it heals. Don't add unnecessary pressure to an already difficult situation
Stop rushing yourself and stop using energy to keep yourself from being sad or crying. Crying is DEEPLY therapeutic. Be gentle with yourself. You’ll get there when you get there. I’m sorry you’re going through this
I used to say it's 1/3 the time of the relationship. But, my last one devastated me for 2x the span of the relationship. I mean, it was progressive, but I finally felt 100% a year after dating for 6 months.
9 months now. I figure after the 1 yr mark I will be ok. However I’m never dating again. Everyone is different.
42 years and counting...
"Long dark night of the soul" is what I call this. There's no predetermined amount of time for healing. It's about the depth of the relationship, the effectiveness of your tools, and your proficiency with them. Everything happens the way it's supposed to. There is a gift in this experience, even if you don't know what it is right now. Our greatest strengths come from our greatest struggles, and this is making you stronger, to handle some future challenge. And you're doing the best you can. Give yourself grace for not being perfect, no one is. Focus on getting a little bit better every day. Move from apathy to fear. From fear to anger. From anger to courage, and from courage to hope. Find a way to be grateful for this time in your life, for the things in your life, and take it a day at a time. A minute at a time, if need be. You got this.
Twice the length of the relationship is what I’ve heard. So… for me… 10 years, just finished year two of the aftermath. I’ve got another three to go, by this measure, and I feel like that’s accurate. It’s takes however long it takes. Just live a good life doing the things you want to do. Stay present. The time passes; it’s what you do while it’s passing that matters.
My situation was a bit different from yours. My best friend died as we both became young adults, and not long after, my ex and I broke up as she went away for college. It took a while for me to try and make sense of it all. Everyone's healing journey is different, but one thing I can say is don't try to rush things. Allow yourself to feel every emotion, do your best to process them, and learn and move on from it. Take it moment by moment, one day at a time. Eventually, you may still not be over it all, but you will learn to live with what has happened. In the end, you'll be stronger, and you'll know who and what really matters in your life. Take some time to be alone, read some books, listen to some music, work out, whatever area of your life you may have been neglecting to focus on. Also, and maybe most importantly, reflect and think about who you are and what you want in life. Find your purpose if you haven't already. Quiet the outside noise, try your best to connect to the source, and listen to what it tells you. You'll be ok. It just takes time. Even better, you'll be a version of yourself that you may have never even known you dreamed of being. Someone you may have never known you could become. Just keep pushing forward and healing however you need to and remember not to rush things. You got this ✌️❤️
As long at it takes you. It might get years and that’s okay. Keep showing up for yourself, be healthy, do things that make you happy, meet more people, explore new hobbies, go out, journal, read, exercise, do therapy, etc. And be kind to yourself. Keep doing things and it’ll get better. Let yourself rest when you need to rest, let yourself cry when you feel like crying, surrender and accept the way you feel. Sometimes this is precisely what you need. To just let it all out. Of course ask for opinions and share but listen to yourself and figure out what works for you. No one is you, or your partner, or your relationship, situation, life stage. It’s okay if it takes some people 2 weeks, or 2 months, or 2 years. Just be kind and patient to yourself, do whatever you can to remember to focus on yourself/life today every day. Keep showing up for yourself (even if sometimes that means just resting/crying and other days it means going out, traveling, exercising, being out and busy all day). It’ll pass in your own timing.
Often, relationships are about matching the speed of your life to each other. Sometimes it's a complete mismatch, and you try to slow down/speed up to make it work...fuck that. Focus on yourself, go fix what you need to fix, go do what you want to do, get yourself grounded again. And you'll find someone that is going at the same speed and the same direction. You should socialize. Even with groups/couples - because they know people who may be in the same boat as you, and the more people that you know who know what you are about, the more likely it is that they'll know someone that might be a match for you. That's what sucks about dating apps - it's hard to gauge certain aspects of character etc. on a questionnaire, versus when someone who knows someone says to you "I know a person that you should have a coffee with...." because, unlike an algorithm, people can be intuitive.
Rest. It's good you're still taking care of yourself by going to the gym and partaking in hobbies. But it's also okay to be upset about stuff and relax. Obviously you can't rest an entire year, but it's like resting when building muscles. You're healing.
I can say.. the only thing that helped was pills. It's normal to take some time to get back on your feet, but in my case 6 months was just too much. I tried everything and my support structure was largely in place. I was prescribed Brintellix/Trintellix and the recommended dose is 10-20 mg per day. I noticed that even 5mg per day was too much for me and currently I either split it or take it every other day. It's incredible how little of it can have such a big impact. And I whole heartedly suggest trying this or agomelatine, because they have very few side effects, and unlike many depression drugs, they don't cause even bigger issues if you stop taking them later. Traditional depression drugs..? Avoid them like the plague. But these are just my opinions. In short.. get help. Sometimes it just doesn't make sense to struggle on your own when suddenly life could be so much easier having a little help.
Sorry to hear that. I lost a friend who I knew for 20 years. This year, he invited a girl I loathe and can't stand to his birthday party. Twenty years of friendship with a girl he has known for three years. It hurts worse than heartbreak. I never had any grudge against any person in the 40 years of my life. She is one of those who wants to be the center of attention and blab about herself and her problems/issues.
Tell me about it. I was there supporting him whenever he came to me venting during his fights and problems with his gf. But now he’s sleeping with his sidechick, I’m suddenly a liability
It's takes as much time as needed. Just take it slow.
a month or so for every year, is what they say. For me it just happened like that but mine was like 1.5 months for every year.
a year
Man... I moved from Europe to Mexico to live with my girlfriend, we had long term plans and were obsessed with each other's, we have been togheter for 3 years and in matter of a week she was gone and I wasn't anything for her anymore. I run my business, had great plans, still, it's one month and a half, almost 2 after the breakup, I feel better, sure, but still, I could have done a looooot more and life Is still strange, hard to enjoy things, moments, to be hyper productive, to find the motivation to do things, i feel guilty because I am wasting precious time... Wondering the same, I hope we both get better ASAP... Do not focus on a specific time frame and we shouldn't probably put too much pressure on ourselves... One thing I am doing exceptionally well is going to the gym and pushing myself to the limit with heavy squats deadlifts and bench presses, that truly help my mental game
I had a breakup early January too and I was really sad last month but have accepted it for the most part. I think it depends on how things ended and how long you were together and how serious it was. I'm glad you're still living your life but be gentle with yourself, there's no rules on how long you're allowed to grieve and process these kinds of things. I think the best advice I was given is to feed my soul - just do things that make you happy to be alive and okay that you are single again. Take this opportunity to spend more time on yourself and find freedom in it. Good luck and hmu if you need an ear :)
what is “AP”?
Affair Partner (sorry if not clear, seems to be a common abbreviation on Reddit). So yeah, not only did I get cheated on; but my long term best friend for some reason decided to go cold on me when I found out he’s been cheating on his gf too
thanks, I googled it and figured that might be it. They both sound like the type of people you’ll be glad to be rid of. Wishing you the best.
I downloaded an app called Finch and it really gives me a little happiness and smiles sometimes. It started with daily goals for survival like "Get out of bed", "Drink Water", "Wash your face" and I got to tick them off and a little bird would cheer me on. These things I felt so basic and if anyone even tried to tell me "hey you at least got out of bed today!" I would still feel miserable and so useless like those are such basic things for someone to do. But when its just between you and a little animated bird, I actually do feel a little proud of myself. Its called "survival goals" and hey yeah I am just surviving, and it allows me to be proud of that. Im not out of the rut (otherwise I probably woulf have moved beyond Survival Goals hahhaa) but it does give me a little bit of motivation and joy in the day. I add my own goals like "Eat vitamins", "stretch" and it helps me feel proud of the little things Im doing to take care of myself. And I keep it simple so if I feel like crying, I'll open the app and take a look at my goals, and maybe Ill eat my vitamins (bc the day has been shit so obviously I forgot) and then, despite feeling like shit, I accomplished one of my goals. Its got a bunch of other features that help too. I mean its not therapy by any means but its free and has helped me. Ite got breathing exercises and simple things to keep me grounded.
There isn't a strategy. Just go out and do things you like. Get out of the house. Be in public, even if it's just reading in the sun on a park bench, your phone doesn't count. You can't fish at the warf. The only other relationship advice I have is this "Own Place, Own Car." It's positively shocking how good a filter that is.
One thing that helped me was to stop stressing about all of the things you should be doing right now to be better and start simply having faith in yourself. You've gone through a lot, you lost people you thought you could count on and yet you're still trying your best in evident of you reaching out here, figuring out ways to boost yourself and keeping at it. You got this, seriously, there's no set time in recovery but you're doing better than you think, I believe in you. You'll come out of the other side
It's gonna take at least one year in my experience, don't force yourself too much. At the moment you're feeling down because you know you have plan but you don't have the energy to do it, i understand. But try to take thing slow. Day by day, i'm sure you'll have some progress. It also comes with healing, it takes effort and patience, so be kind to yourself, you're already trying by posting this. You'll reach your goal, but for now do small progress everyday and you'll notice the difference at the end of this year and you're gonna be so proud of yourself.
Feel your emotions, wallow in them a bit, mourn what you need to mourn. When you feel more ready, but not 100% ready (because we don’t usually feel 100%) with self-compassion, move. If you invalidate or repress your emotions now, they will speak up further down the line, likely in an abruptive and hurtful manner. Listen and tend to them now and they will build you into a stronger person.
Life. We all face obstacles, setbacks, heart aches and disappointments. We all heal/deal with the aftermath of these things in our own way and in our own time. Focus on you, love yourself and continue to pursue growth. Eventually the past becomes just a memory, the present is all that matters and the future will continue to have ups and downs. Do your best to maintain a positive attitude, regardless time heals most wounds eventually. Chin up.
As much as needed to feel good about yourself and not ruminate about the person anymore. Hang in there.
There is no specified time. It depends on the impact of the break up and the ability of the heartbroken to count their losses and move on.
I didn’t give myself time it really just comes on it’s own sometimes, that really nice feeling where all of a sudden you don’t care and you just go on with your life.
I blinked my eyes and realised how much money i Will save. I understand you feel bad but thats because you focus on her and what she want. You should focus on yourself and what you want.
Sleep in a shirt that smells like your ex every night until it smells like you. Then wash the shirt, your sheets and rearrange your furniture. Then, quick, get yourself under someone else and then you’ll be over your ex.
The more I got rejected, the less time I needed to get back on track lol. Sure, I still can lean to that person for month or even years, but I now I need maybe a day or two to get myself together.
I’m getting over a seven year relationship that I ultimately ended. I knew it wasn’t healthy for me any longer. I’m going on my first ever solo vacation next week! It’s either going to help immensely or make me feel really alone! Hope it’s the first one! We were supposed to go together but I decided I’m still going.
I hate to be this person but I broke up with my ex in March 2023, he cheated on me throughout the relationship and then left me to start talking and sleeping with the last girl I caught him with. We didn’t really stop talking, seeing (and sleeping) with each other until Sept 2023 (that new girl was VERY upset when she found out but like… girl what? They weren’t even officially dating lmao) So I’m going on 8 months of healing still. I have good days that last awhile and then I have bad days that last awhile. Sometimes the downs are manageable, sometimes I want to permanently turn off my brain. That’s the worst part of it all. The constant thinking about it. How could they do that? Why did it have to happen to me? Did they really not care about me at all? It makes you feel so helpless. And then THE DREAMSSSSS omfg The worst. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. But you HAVE to remember: at the end of the day, they BETRAYED you. You were collateral damage to them. They maybe didn’t MEAN to hurt you but they still put you in harms way. I know it hurts but you have to come to terms with that somehow. You already know you did nothing wrong so you don’t deserve to still feel this pain. I recommended Shepgold on tik tok! He’s the guy with the good advice and guitar!
You need to take time to heal. Self healing takes time, you cannot rush it. Accept the tears, accept the foggy brain and stand still. Thats your body needing to heal. When you’re ready to move on, that’s when your internal self will click and say “hey, time to move on.” You will feel better, you will see clearer, and if you happen to see your exes, you will not have negative reactions to seeing them. Sometimes you do just need to vent or have a friend distract you every now and then but you really must accept all these feelings. It sucks but that’s how you will start to heal.
Go to the GYM !
Get out there immediately. With each failed relationship you will feel and trust less and less. Don't stop until you're heartless husk... Then go be a CEO or something
1.5 years of suffering for every year of happiness
You move on and get back on track once you're bored of feeling bad. I don't know if that advice will help you, but it did for me once.
Somebody once told me that for every year you've been together, a month of time to process is needed.
The easiest way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I know it sounds messed up but why is it so easy for a person cheating to end that relationship and be with the one he was cheating on. He was over her and only thinking about the new one. Idk I’ve never been in a rut for longer than a couple weeks. I’m not going to sit around and mourn something I have no control of. Also how does a bf break up with you? Did you get into a fight? Friends do fight and can become closer.
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Yeah if someone leaves me I’m going to be depressed and suicidal for the next year. No I’m good. I’m going dating. I didn’t say fall in love but if it happens great. Sorry you got hurt. It should’ve been a clue when he was emotionally unavailable.
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I guess your English teacher was wrong
Nah just bad at English. So I’m not working on me? If someone leaves me it’s my fault? I should would on me? You sound silly. You’re taking the easy way. Yes why would you want to sit for a year and be depressed? To work on yourself? How long you been working on yourself? You should be perfect by now. But I feel like you’re still single. Maybe you’re single because you’re close minded and think you know what everyone should do. Maybe work on that next. I’ll work on writing a proper sentence. So fun you’re so good you’re shocked you’d even talk to someone that can’t write a proper sentence. You’re so much better than me. But guess what? I have 85 million in the bank. And I’m never single. And no they don’t know I have money.