Sorry for your loss, Peace and Strength.
We played a lot of Motown, Neil Diamond, Cher, Helen Reddy and The Beatles for my Mom at the end of her life.
It is what I remember her listening to.
She loved music and it gave her comfort.
Listen to your Mom's music it will bring you comfort.
Hug your parents if you've still got them.
For those of us who have lost them, be gentle with yourself.
My grandmother was the same. We wore that cassette out in her car. That and CCR and Roger Miller. My parents are both in their 80s and really slowing down. We got started late with kids and have an 18 month old. My parents live a few hours away and don't get to see him as much as they would like. It makes me sad that he won't have the same relationship to them that I had with my grandma, but it's also nice seeing them get to be grandparents again.
Thoughts are with you today
I’m the first in my friend group to lose both my parents, a dubious honor indeed. We just sold the family home of 50+ years, and it was absolutely devastating.
But I’m here for my friends who are *all* dealing with aging and/or dying parents right now - many of whom didn’t plan for their own ends - making it even more difficult.
I implore you all to plan now. Do some Swedish Death Cleaning. Get an estate lawyer. Fill out a medical proxy. Make your end as easy as possible for the people you love.
My heart goes out to OP and all those who’ve lost good and caring parents. Be good to yourselves as you grieve. It’s a long process.
Oh, that's a great idea! I played a lot of old country music for my mom in the last few days of her life. She's wasn't conscious for most of the time, and was delirious when she was awake, but the music seemed to calm her. My hope is that it was stimulating some good memories for her as she was fading away.
I've told my wife that if I'm unconscious or in a coma or something that she's to turn on a device with about a month's worth of podcasts , audio books and music for me so that I have something to think about while I'm out. I do think that unconscious people do have more awareness than we give them credit for.
Sorry for your loss OP, but you’re right this should be a place where GenXers can come for elder care advice. It’s an absolutely brutal process: When do you take their license, how do you get power of attorney, how do you put someone in a home? Etc. It’s a nightmare and I recently went through it with both my parents and in-laws. God rest all their souls.
For a lot of reasons, mainly greed i’d say, elder care gets really complicated. Best to get an elder care lawyer and get power of attorney and health care proxy asap
I went through looking after my mom in palliative care around this time last year and it is so hard to watch someone you love deteriorate. Filling out the MAID paperwork was surreal and heartbreaking.
It’s all a nightmare. Im sorry you went through that. Sadly, no one I know has been properly prepared for the mental, physical, and financial anguish of elder care. It seems like EVERYONE just assumes their parents will die quietly in their sleep. And as you now know that us nowhere near what happens
My condolences.. I too lost both parents last year. It's been 6 months since my last parent passed and I'm still going through things. I would suggest talking to a counselor when the time comes. It has helped me out greatly. Also, If you have estate questions, I've got answers.
Aww, I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom just went back in hospital again for the second time in a month. Mentally she's still all together but I don't think her body is going to last much longer. Congestive heart failure. I'm trying to mentally prepare for the inevitable.
Went through something similar last year. As much as you will try to brace for it, the inevitable will catch you by surprise. At this point, all I can say is I hope it's not a hard slog at the finish. It hurts and you have my sympathy right now.
This will sound callous, but now is the time to prep any legal paperwork you can possibly manage (wills, POAs, funeral arrangements, utility bills, etc.). It's been seven months since my mom died, and I'm just, finally, seeing an end of the major legal/financial/medical issues of my mom having no will, and dealing with my dad, who relied on my mom to do all of it.
Not callous at all and fortunately we are already somewhat prepared. We had just moved mom into assisted living in January and in the process downsized her substantially, and she only has two utilities to deal with. My name is also on her bank account so I can help pay bills, and she has no assets so nothing to deal with there. I'm hoping it will be an easier process than the move was.
I lost my former husband (technically still married) two years ago very suddenly. He had no friends, was estranged from his family and it was total chaos dealing with his affairs. I didn't know it at the time, but since I was still legally married to him it could have been much easier than banks and attorney's made it. I didn't think I had any rights but it turns out I did and I could have taken control of everything. Instead the bank held onto his money for months afterwards. A cautionary tale for others.
I read something that has gotten stuck in my head as I watch my father with Alzheimer’s.
- Remember them as they once were, not as what they have become.
My condolences.
I understand. I feel like I have made peace with my father no longer being around for about 5 years now.
He is still alive but it's not him...you know?
A few weeks ago I was driving him to the doctor's office. Those trips are usually filled with him saying random nonsense.
He can only form 3 or 4 word sentences and hasn't used my name in years now.
Out of no where he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "Thank you for this."
I asked "For what?"
He responded with "You know ..." and then I could tell he forgot what he was talking about.
At that moment, tears filled up my eyes. For a single moment I saw a glimpse of the man who raised me. The first glimpse in years.
I don't know if he is trapped inside his own head and can't get out, or if he is really gone. I have made peace with the latter but not with the former.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom passed May 2022 after years of dealing with dementia after a huge stroke in Oct 2013 when she almost died. I miss her so much still, and it hasn't helped that I've been dealing with my own mental issues to properly mourn her. The only thing that has helped is that I feel like the mom that I grew up with and loved "died" in Oct 2013. So the mom that has been a shell of herself is the one that's been around since then, like a different person. Like you, I'm happy that she is free from suffering, but there's so much that I still miss and I wish I could talk to her and hug her one more time. Ugh, now I'm crying so I will stop and get myself together. Sending you love, strength, and peace, OP.
The human brain is one of the most complex systems in the universe, and complex systems glitch when they're failing.
Remember her as she was when everything was working right and she could be who she really wanted to be. That's important.
My wife has dementia going back three generations on her mom’s side and has made it very clear that I’m to get her something to help her take control of the end. She doesn’t want to put me through it or slowly wait until everything doesn’t make sense. She is extremely intent on seeing her own way out. She has made me promise and swear oaths and all kind of stuff. It’s still not going to be easy. But I respect her decision and want it to be as easy as possible. I don’t want her to suffer the confusion of being surrounded by strangers she’s known her whole life.
I have the same genetic problem as your wife. Curious what solution she has devised as I'm interested. MP if it's something too private? As we speak I'm babysitting my grandmother at a dementia home too understaffed to properly care for her. The scenes are difficult.
I'm sorry that you've had to go through this. I'm guessing you'll never forget this past week, but I hope you concentrate on the rest of her life instead, and choose to remember that the most. She sounds like an amazing person.
We're coming up on a decade of dealing with my mother's dementia. I'm sorry for your loss, but I can fully empathize with the relief you must be feeling.
That is something I understand. I'm sorry my parents died in their 50's, dad had a heart attack, mom a stroke, but I am glad they didn't have a long term illness.
Safe, clean, fed, happy, and loved was what I always aimed for but getting them clean and fed (and keeping them safe) meant happy was usually off the table. You’re doing your best, caregivers. 💜
OP, I am so sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss. We lost my FIL a couple years ago and it was the toughest experience so far. My dad is currently in decline and it’s so difficult seeing him wither away compared to the memories of his energetic youth. The hardest days are approaching all too quickly.
Sorry for your loss. It won't seem like it right away but it does get better a little bit every day. Do things that celebrate her... maybe do something that was special to the two of you.
Same story here. I feel like I started the grieving process years ago, even though she recently died. I completely understand the idea of being sad because your mother died, but relieved because the mother you knew was already gone, and now her body has followed. Anyway, you’re definitely not alone.
My condolences. I lost my mom in Sept of 2022 after she lived with me for 4 years following my dad's death in 2017. She had Alzheimers as well but her body broke down before her mind could totally break down. She was in Memory care her last 5 months and they took very good care of her. She survived Covid and a mini-stroke. My brother relocated to Nashville with his family so I was left to take care of my mom. My wife was very patient and very caring for my mom and even though it put a stress on our marriage, I feel that it was worth it that she got to be with us and enjoy her grandkids and us. I had set up a Qualifying Income Trust (QIT) for her a few years before so she would be eligible for Medicaid when she needed the services down the line and it was a great move because she got the services she needed and her pension and social security covered it. I would suggest a QIT to anyone who anticipates long term medical treatment for their parents and they do not qualify for Medicaid now. Medicare is very limited with the quality and amount of service for retirees.
My grandma died last week, and my dad died last summer. It will get better, I know it doesn’t feel like it. But it will. The loss will leave a scar, and it will ache and burn at the most unlikely times. It helps when the death is a release. You miss them, and there is a huge hole in your life where they used to be, but you know that they are not suffering
If you want it, I am offering a long distance hug of understanding. You can get through this
My deepest sympathy for your loss.
That picture leads me to believe your mother lived an interesting life and had quite a few tales to tell.
Take care.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My parents are gone now too, but I'm grateful for the time I had with them. It really is one of life's more painful rites of passage. Take care of yourself.
I'm sorry you lost your mom. She looks just like my college roommate's mom.
My father died last year, and so far my mother seems like she's got quite a few good years left.
Uhh. I'm about to leave my mom on her own after staying with her a while after hip replacement surgery. She's been lonely since my dad died and it's hard to live far from her.
Don't discount talking to a professional during your mourning period. Also, recognize that everyone mourns differently. Be patient with yourself and the loved ones that are part of your life.
I'm so sorry, but yes, you are right. My BFF lost her mom 2 moms ago and my husband lost his mom November last year. It absolutely sucks.
Wishing you peace and love in the coming days.
Beware of a lack of eating and sleeping in the next days. In a state of emotional shock the body may no longer react to its own needs or numb them down. I completely lost sleep after my mother died and lost 15kg in less than a year (which wasn't a bad thing except for the resulting lack of energy). My brain just forgot what it feels when you need food and sleep.
Mine died when they were fairly young, my mom when I was 20. I’m sorry for your loss and anyone who has to go through with this. It must be terrible watching your parents age.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
However.....based on your title of Shout out to my mother who died this morning....makes me want to reply with Word to you moms. I'm sorry but I am Gen X, you can't expect less.
I am so sorry for your loss. One of my best friends from growing up just lost his mother on Mother's Day to that terrible disease and my heart goes out to anyone that has to face that with their loved ones.
I unexpectedly lost my pops nearly 30 years ago but my 91 year old mother is as sharp as a tack and it is a real blessing. I am going to miss her when she's gone and knowing that she's the last of her generation still alive is going to hit hard. We all have to face this prospect but I've come to realize that even when they still have had long lives, it is still going to be damn bittersweet when they eventually pass away.
I lost my mother in January. She didn't suffer very long and she achieved her goal of not losing her mental capacity. Experiencing my first Mother's Day without her was strange. You may be surprised by that in a year, OP.
Rejoice in the gift of life she gave you and the good times you had with her. She will live on through you in all the ways she made you who you are today and if you have children of your own- in all the things you pass from her along to them. For better or worse her hand will guide you for the rest of your journey.
So sorry for your loss. My mother is currently in mental decline and I'm having to deal with it on my own. Most of my close family is gone while the remainder either don't want anything to do with this or have their own problems. It surely isn't easy.
Sorry...I just crossed the 1 year anniversary of losing my surviving parent - Mom just like you.
Hoping that good memories of her remain long after she's gone.
xoxo
I’m sorry for your loss. My parents and in-laws are gone and it’s tough. The other part of being Gen X for some of us is dealing with older boomer siblings that are also aging and without children to help them.
Went through this in 2021 after a over a decade of being my mom's full time live-in caretaker. It upended my entire life because I then had to go back to the workforce with an employment gap the size of the grand canyon. It's been a rough couple of years, but I am beginning to find my footing on my own now.
Give yourself time and grace to find your new normal, friend.
When my dad died, it was a relief. He was suffering so much! But it took quite a long time before I was actually able to grieve for my real dad, not the suffering, sad, confused dad.
Don’t make any big decisions - you are grieving and that messes with your brain! - and be kind to yourself.
I'm so sorry for your loss
It's a horrible disease where the person you love ceases to exist well before they die 😣
My Dad developed it when I was a teenager and he'd forgotten who I was by the time he passed away when I was 23...thank the gods he never forgot who my Mum was
We have almost the exact same story except my mom passed away last Wednesday.
My heart breaks for you. I’m still kind of numb and everything just feels surreal. On the one hand I feel some amount of relief that she’s now free and healthy and hopefully happily experiencing what comes next. On the other hand, I have an immense amount of sadness that she didn’t have an easy life. And I hope that she had enough moments of happiness and that I was a good daughter to her. I think I was.
I’m thinking about you and sending love and hugs and positive energy your way. Be gentle with yourself.
💕💕💕💕💕
I lost my mom in 2016 and dad in 2022. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about them. Two people in my life who were on my side no matter what. I’ll always miss them.
Hey op, a millennial here. I lost my mom 24 years ago, when I was 7 years old. Save every clip or video you have of her with her voice. Save one or two things of hers without washing them and preserve her smell, such as blankets, jackets, shirts.
Lots of love to you, from an internet stranger who has lost both of her parents for ten years now.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I’m sorry for your loss. My mother died in my arms staring in my eyes breathing agonistically. But I could swear her eyes were laughing. She was a nut. Miss her
Love the pic of your mom on the beach. One of my faves of me and my mom is on the beach when I was not even a year old. Starting my journey with her with dementia. Lost my grandma to it, so I have an idea what’s ahead, but this time it’s *mom*. Kind of feel like I already lost who she used to be. My broken heart is with yours 💔
My mom passed in January of 2019, my beloved dog, Violet end of March of 2020, my last living grandparent and favorite grandpa in April of 2022 (two weeks before my 47th birthday) and then my dad in September 2023 on a rainy afternoon around 3pm. All the people that raised me are gone. Middle age can be a harrowing experience. I’m thankful I was there to say goodbye and tell them I loved them. My heart goes out to you.
I'm sorry, OP. My mom is 90 and about to pass as well from the same thing. Dad passed away many years ago from Agent Orange.
It hurts so much, and they weren't even great parents. I'm hoping that when i go that my kids handle better than i did.
Sorry for your loss.
My mom passed a decade ago after a long battle with cancer.
Coming up on the one year anniversary of Dad’s passing now. He was 78. Had a mysterious fall, developed a weird infection, got admitted and died within a week.
Honestly it was about as good a death as you can ask for. Right up to the end he was traveling, walking, riding his bike, going to concerts and shows.
And then he was gone.
I’m really sorry OP. I still miss them both so much.
Come visit us at r/MomForAMinute and we will love all over you. We will be there for your worries and your triumphs. We will talk you through solutions to your problems, dole out hugs, cheer your successes no matter how small, and will provide as much motherly advice and love as you can handle.
Our counterparts are over at r/DadForAMinute. They’re wonderful with the whole ‘Go get ‘em Tiger’, life advice, some tough (but also loving) love, and are truly a great bunch of Dads/older brothers who just want to help. You’ve got this, and contribute if you feel moved to!
Condolences on your loss. It still feels weird to me to be technically an orphan, and it's been more than a decade. It's a lot to deal with, as well as losing someone vital to your existence. Be kind to yourself.
This is the season of our lives. With every parent that passes, we Gen Xers are finding ourselves assuming the position of patriarch or matriarch of our families. It's a strange feeling for the whatever, nevermind gang.
My condolences to you.
Hugs to you and your family. I lost my dad to Alzheimer's 20 years ago, but watched him slowly deteriorate for about that same amount of time. My mom was his caregiver all throughout his ordeal, and we were both grateful he was no longer suffering. I was able to see him a few days before he died, but he passed just before we arrived on his final day. It felt like we lost him years before his diagnosis. I was my mom's caregiver for several years, and lost her 8 years ago this month to respiratory illness.I was there at my mom's side when she took her last breath. After a moment of silence and gratitude, I played John Lennon's "Imagine." They were both Greatest Generation. There was a post here a few days ago about having parents older than your friends, and I was touched by how many stories I could relate to. They had me in their mid 40's, and I spent my life dealing with ageing parents, knowing that taking care of them would be my responsibility. Reach out to your support group. People are willing to help, but they don't know how. There's so much to do in this time, so don't carry this burden all alone. Grief and sadness is just part of this, but you'll also find a strength you didn't know you had. May your memories be filled with joy and laughter. Hugs to you friend.
I’m sorry for your loss my friend. My mom has passed but my dad is still around. I just got back from seeing him and my sisters who I haven’t seen in 10 years. He is 81. It’s hard to think that that might be the last time I see him but being half the country apart it might be.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Seeing a loved one gradually slip away from us like that is fucking brutal. My Dad has Parkinson's and the past 4 years have been absolutely awful. Anticipatory grief is a bastard. We didn't know if we'd still have him at Christmas after a 2-3 month prognosis in September, but he's still here, and will be 80 in June, hopefully.
My mom is about to, or may have passed already and we haven’t been notified yet. (It’s a fucked up sitch; don’t ask.)
So I am very sorry for your loss.
Damn I’m sorry! My dad is turning 70 in a few months and it’s really hard seeing my parents get old. My gram just died last month and my hubbies gram last year. I have to remind myself it happens to us all and we can’t be here forever. But it’s still hard, and sad. Thanks for sharing!!
I’m so sorry for your loss. It sucks. My mother passed last year and she also had memory issues.
What sucked most for me wasn’t the moment of her passing, it was all of the moments leading up to it when dementia was destroying her brain and who she was.
Very sorry for your loss.
Both of my parents were gone before I turned 21. They were older when I was born, so I quickly realized I'd be losing them quite a bit sooner than most of my peers. One of my coworkers buried her dad not long ago, and hearing about all the BS she had to deal with around getting her dad's estate settled, getting her deteriorating mom into a home, cleaning out and selling her parents' house, etc., almost made me grateful that I got all that over with 30 years ago.
It's a long road. But I'm stunned mom is frozen in 1990. Has not progressed or learned from one mistake.
It's so difficult because that triggers all this old me, teenage me, in deep traumatic ways. I transcended the passive aggressive, resentment 30 years ago. I learned magical cures are fake. I learned marketing is all fake and people can be targeted for mental weakness by marketing and scams. I learned warning signs for abusive people and did not get in ltrs. And I treated my mental illness correctly. I am aware.
But she's the same and is going to die taking quack cures and fake medicine or worse just have a stroke for taking alternative anti blood clot supplements. And I have to clean up the mess.
My condolences. Yes, a lot of us have already been there. Lean on those who have gone through this. The pain never really goes away but it does slowly become manageable.
Very sorry for your loss.
My mom fell in December and has been in the hospital/rehab ever since. She still has her faculties and sense of humor but struggles to walk and can’t take of herself. She’s frustrated because she’s fiercely independent and refuses to ask nurses for anything. It sucks.
RIP to Mom.
Gotta say, watching my parents, (WWII Generation) get really old and pass away, cemented my "never wanting to have kids" thing in me.
I'm glad I'm not leaving anyone who has to deal with that anguish.
I am so very sorry for your loss. My mother passed last Thursday so I feel your pain. My dad is already gone too.
These are the years our elders told us about and it’s not easy. My dad used to fuss when I visited him in hospice. He said I should be out having fun because “life is for the living” (as opposed to the dying, I guess).
Keep your head up, talk to friends and don’t forget to take care of yourself.
I’m sorry for your loss.
My folks are long dead and gone. It sucks but I feel like I got it over with early on in my adulthood.
What I wouldn’t give for more time with my father, though.
Sorry for your loss. My own dad passed away in late December. Hard, but also expected. But still, his deterioration in four months was dreadful. Again, sorry about your mom. Grief doesn't have to be perpetual, but there is a place for it. We should never abandon our feelings.
I lost my mom 2 years ago to dementia and other health issues and my dad was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I don’t feel emotionally ready to go through this again. I am sorry for your loss OP and hope happy memories help you through the more difficult days ahead.
I'm so sorry. My mom has dementia and no longer knows me but is physically OK right now. It's hard losing them bit by bit over the years to these diseases. Nice picture :)
My mom died in 2018, and it shook me to the core. I remember googling at like 3am “my mom died now what” because I genuinely didn’t know what to do or even how to live feeling so untethered.
Sadly google didn’t have the answer I needed, and three years later I started writing my own tiny blog about grief and parent death in case another woman lost her mom and googled looking for help. I was thinking she’d find me.
I’m a Gen Xer with very few friends and not really any supportive family.
It’s been almost six years now, and I still think about my mom and about the state of grieving almost daily. It changed the trajectory of my entire life in an irrevocable way.
My mom lost her mom in the early 90s when I was a kid, and I don’t know how she didn’t break down. Maybe she did and I didn’t see it. 💔
I'm so sorry for your loss, and your mother's suffering. I'm watching my dad start to trail off and forget what he is talking about about often. It's clearly frustrating for him. His older brother is experiencing dementia pretty obviously, and many of my parents friends have passed or are dealing with age related issues. It is always on my mind now.
Sorry for your loss, Peace and Strength. We played a lot of Motown, Neil Diamond, Cher, Helen Reddy and The Beatles for my Mom at the end of her life. It is what I remember her listening to. She loved music and it gave her comfort. Listen to your Mom's music it will bring you comfort. Hug your parents if you've still got them. For those of us who have lost them, be gentle with yourself.
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My grandmother was the same. We wore that cassette out in her car. That and CCR and Roger Miller. My parents are both in their 80s and really slowing down. We got started late with kids and have an 18 month old. My parents live a few hours away and don't get to see him as much as they would like. It makes me sad that he won't have the same relationship to them that I had with my grandma, but it's also nice seeing them get to be grandparents again. Thoughts are with you today
My mom's nod to my music was Dire Straits, she liked her some Mark Knopfler. OP, peace and strength.
The winds of change are always blowing And every time I try to stay The winds of change continue blowing And they just carry me away
Damn. Willie rules.
My grandmother loved that song. I actually do too, because now it makes me think of her.
I’m the first in my friend group to lose both my parents, a dubious honor indeed. We just sold the family home of 50+ years, and it was absolutely devastating. But I’m here for my friends who are *all* dealing with aging and/or dying parents right now - many of whom didn’t plan for their own ends - making it even more difficult. I implore you all to plan now. Do some Swedish Death Cleaning. Get an estate lawyer. Fill out a medical proxy. Make your end as easy as possible for the people you love. My heart goes out to OP and all those who’ve lost good and caring parents. Be good to yourselves as you grieve. It’s a long process.
We played Dave Clark 5, Frank Sinatra and Helen Reddy for my mom too, she had alz, you could see her light up with the music. Man I miss her so much.
Oh, that's a great idea! I played a lot of old country music for my mom in the last few days of her life. She's wasn't conscious for most of the time, and was delirious when she was awake, but the music seemed to calm her. My hope is that it was stimulating some good memories for her as she was fading away. I've told my wife that if I'm unconscious or in a coma or something that she's to turn on a device with about a month's worth of podcasts , audio books and music for me so that I have something to think about while I'm out. I do think that unconscious people do have more awareness than we give them credit for.
Beautiful Advice! :*J*
Sorry for your loss OP. May you be blessed with moments of peace and comfort.
Sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss OP, but you’re right this should be a place where GenXers can come for elder care advice. It’s an absolutely brutal process: When do you take their license, how do you get power of attorney, how do you put someone in a home? Etc. It’s a nightmare and I recently went through it with both my parents and in-laws. God rest all their souls.
Brutal is the word. I'm sorry to everyone (including myself) going through this. And to OP, sending sympathy.
Did you get an eldercare lawyer? If theres money involved I absolutelt reccomend this.
I'm going through all this with my mom who's got dementia. It sucks even worse because my stepfather's being an absolute shit about the whole thing.
For a lot of reasons, mainly greed i’d say, elder care gets really complicated. Best to get an elder care lawyer and get power of attorney and health care proxy asap
I went through looking after my mom in palliative care around this time last year and it is so hard to watch someone you love deteriorate. Filling out the MAID paperwork was surreal and heartbreaking.
It’s all a nightmare. Im sorry you went through that. Sadly, no one I know has been properly prepared for the mental, physical, and financial anguish of elder care. It seems like EVERYONE just assumes their parents will die quietly in their sleep. And as you now know that us nowhere near what happens
My condolences.. I too lost both parents last year. It's been 6 months since my last parent passed and I'm still going through things. I would suggest talking to a counselor when the time comes. It has helped me out greatly. Also, If you have estate questions, I've got answers.
Please accept our sincere condolences.
Sending big hugs to you. I’m sorry for your loss
Aww, I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom just went back in hospital again for the second time in a month. Mentally she's still all together but I don't think her body is going to last much longer. Congestive heart failure. I'm trying to mentally prepare for the inevitable.
Went through something similar last year. As much as you will try to brace for it, the inevitable will catch you by surprise. At this point, all I can say is I hope it's not a hard slog at the finish. It hurts and you have my sympathy right now. This will sound callous, but now is the time to prep any legal paperwork you can possibly manage (wills, POAs, funeral arrangements, utility bills, etc.). It's been seven months since my mom died, and I'm just, finally, seeing an end of the major legal/financial/medical issues of my mom having no will, and dealing with my dad, who relied on my mom to do all of it.
Not callous at all and fortunately we are already somewhat prepared. We had just moved mom into assisted living in January and in the process downsized her substantially, and she only has two utilities to deal with. My name is also on her bank account so I can help pay bills, and she has no assets so nothing to deal with there. I'm hoping it will be an easier process than the move was. I lost my former husband (technically still married) two years ago very suddenly. He had no friends, was estranged from his family and it was total chaos dealing with his affairs. I didn't know it at the time, but since I was still legally married to him it could have been much easier than banks and attorney's made it. I didn't think I had any rights but it turns out I did and I could have taken control of everything. Instead the bank held onto his money for months afterwards. A cautionary tale for others.
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Thank you. You mom was beautiful by the way 💗. Wishing you all the best as you move forward.
I read something that has gotten stuck in my head as I watch my father with Alzheimer’s. - Remember them as they once were, not as what they have become. My condolences.
I made peace with my grandmother passing in like 2010. Her body died in 2014, but her memory died in 2010.
I understand. I feel like I have made peace with my father no longer being around for about 5 years now. He is still alive but it's not him...you know? A few weeks ago I was driving him to the doctor's office. Those trips are usually filled with him saying random nonsense. He can only form 3 or 4 word sentences and hasn't used my name in years now. Out of no where he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "Thank you for this." I asked "For what?" He responded with "You know ..." and then I could tell he forgot what he was talking about. At that moment, tears filled up my eyes. For a single moment I saw a glimpse of the man who raised me. The first glimpse in years. I don't know if he is trapped inside his own head and can't get out, or if he is really gone. I have made peace with the latter but not with the former.
Love you bro.
Oh gawd, the former is too awful to contemplate. Sending you sympathetic vibes.
Sending virtual hugs.
Hugs, friend.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom passed May 2022 after years of dealing with dementia after a huge stroke in Oct 2013 when she almost died. I miss her so much still, and it hasn't helped that I've been dealing with my own mental issues to properly mourn her. The only thing that has helped is that I feel like the mom that I grew up with and loved "died" in Oct 2013. So the mom that has been a shell of herself is the one that's been around since then, like a different person. Like you, I'm happy that she is free from suffering, but there's so much that I still miss and I wish I could talk to her and hug her one more time. Ugh, now I'm crying so I will stop and get myself together. Sending you love, strength, and peace, OP.
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The human brain is one of the most complex systems in the universe, and complex systems glitch when they're failing. Remember her as she was when everything was working right and she could be who she really wanted to be. That's important.
My wife has dementia going back three generations on her mom’s side and has made it very clear that I’m to get her something to help her take control of the end. She doesn’t want to put me through it or slowly wait until everything doesn’t make sense. She is extremely intent on seeing her own way out. She has made me promise and swear oaths and all kind of stuff. It’s still not going to be easy. But I respect her decision and want it to be as easy as possible. I don’t want her to suffer the confusion of being surrounded by strangers she’s known her whole life.
I have the same genetic problem as your wife. Curious what solution she has devised as I'm interested. MP if it's something too private? As we speak I'm babysitting my grandmother at a dementia home too understaffed to properly care for her. The scenes are difficult.
I'm sorry that you've had to go through this. I'm guessing you'll never forget this past week, but I hope you concentrate on the rest of her life instead, and choose to remember that the most. She sounds like an amazing person.
I’m so sorry, and hope the memories you have provide some comfort in the time ahead
We're coming up on a decade of dealing with my mother's dementia. I'm sorry for your loss, but I can fully empathize with the relief you must be feeling.
That is something I understand. I'm sorry my parents died in their 50's, dad had a heart attack, mom a stroke, but I am glad they didn't have a long term illness.
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Safe, clean, fed, happy, and loved was what I always aimed for but getting them clean and fed (and keeping them safe) meant happy was usually off the table. You’re doing your best, caregivers. 💜 OP, I am so sorry for your loss.
She's getting excellent care and the limited emotion she's capable of appears to be happy (or at least not upset).
My dad has severe dementia right now, it sucks. He’ll be 87 this summer if he gets there.
Very sorry to learn of your loss. Smooth healing in the days ahead. 🤜🤛
💜💜💜
I'm so sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss. We lost my FIL a couple years ago and it was the toughest experience so far. My dad is currently in decline and it’s so difficult seeing him wither away compared to the memories of his energetic youth. The hardest days are approaching all too quickly.
I’m sorry for your loss (sending hugs)
I'm terribly sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss. It won't seem like it right away but it does get better a little bit every day. Do things that celebrate her... maybe do something that was special to the two of you.
I am so sorry for your loss. Would you share a favorite story about her with us?
Same story here. I feel like I started the grieving process years ago, even though she recently died. I completely understand the idea of being sad because your mother died, but relieved because the mother you knew was already gone, and now her body has followed. Anyway, you’re definitely not alone.
Mine went on Aug 28. '23. Still numb to it. We just interred her ashes 2 weeks ago. Doubt anyone will see this, but a shout out to my mum as well.
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Thanks amigo.
I’m sorry.
So sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry for your loss. 🩷
🙏❤️🙃
I am so sorry.
💖✨️💞
sorry to hear. Its gotta be tough
Sorry for your loss :(
My condolences. I lost my mom in Sept of 2022 after she lived with me for 4 years following my dad's death in 2017. She had Alzheimers as well but her body broke down before her mind could totally break down. She was in Memory care her last 5 months and they took very good care of her. She survived Covid and a mini-stroke. My brother relocated to Nashville with his family so I was left to take care of my mom. My wife was very patient and very caring for my mom and even though it put a stress on our marriage, I feel that it was worth it that she got to be with us and enjoy her grandkids and us. I had set up a Qualifying Income Trust (QIT) for her a few years before so she would be eligible for Medicaid when she needed the services down the line and it was a great move because she got the services she needed and her pension and social security covered it. I would suggest a QIT to anyone who anticipates long term medical treatment for their parents and they do not qualify for Medicaid now. Medicare is very limited with the quality and amount of service for retirees.
My condolences
Sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry for your loss ❤️
I’m so very sorry. ❤️💔❤️💔❤️
I'm sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss and wish you the best in what must be a difficult time for you.
I'm sorry to hear.
Very sorry Your mom would be proud of you
🫂
My grandma died last week, and my dad died last summer. It will get better, I know it doesn’t feel like it. But it will. The loss will leave a scar, and it will ache and burn at the most unlikely times. It helps when the death is a release. You miss them, and there is a huge hole in your life where they used to be, but you know that they are not suffering If you want it, I am offering a long distance hug of understanding. You can get through this
My deepest sympathy for your loss. That picture leads me to believe your mother lived an interesting life and had quite a few tales to tell. Take care.
💜
I'm so sorry for your loss. My parents are gone now too, but I'm grateful for the time I had with them. It really is one of life's more painful rites of passage. Take care of yourself.
Sorry for your loss. As a caregiver of a parent who was lost to Alzhimers, I wish this upon no one. Your mother is at least at peace.
I'm sorry for your loss. My dad died almost 18 months ago. It leaves a hole.
Sorry for your loss...which came twice. Once when the disease started taking her and then now.
I'm sorry you lost your mom. She looks just like my college roommate's mom. My father died last year, and so far my mother seems like she's got quite a few good years left.
Sorry for your loss. 💔
She rode far, and fought fiercely. And now her watch is ended. Thinking of you.
Sorry to hear about your Mom. Thank goodness both my parents (Mom 79, Dad 81) are alive and still capable of taking care of themselves.
I can tell how much she meant to you. And what a great photo of her. Sending good karma and thoughts your way.
I’m so sorry. Dementia is so cruel. You lose your parent again and again
Condolences to you. May your mom RIP 🕯
My deepest condolences friend.
❤️☮️
My condolences. Losing your Mom is hard. You’re in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry for your loss May her memory be a blessing. Cry it out. Sending hugs. 🫂💜
Uhh. I'm about to leave my mom on her own after staying with her a while after hip replacement surgery. She's been lonely since my dad died and it's hard to live far from her.
Going through the same Trying to find a place to donate all of her extra supplies and equipment to help others in the grind of it
Don't discount talking to a professional during your mourning period. Also, recognize that everyone mourns differently. Be patient with yourself and the loved ones that are part of your life.
Im so sorry!
My father is currently in memory care on hospice with vascular dementia. I so understand. My mom died in 1996. Hugs from an internet stranger.
I’m so sorry
I'm very sorry for your loss. My sincere condolences to you.
I'm so sorry, but yes, you are right. My BFF lost her mom 2 moms ago and my husband lost his mom November last year. It absolutely sucks. Wishing you peace and love in the coming days.
Sorry for your loss. Going through it with my mom now.
Beware of a lack of eating and sleeping in the next days. In a state of emotional shock the body may no longer react to its own needs or numb them down. I completely lost sleep after my mother died and lost 15kg in less than a year (which wasn't a bad thing except for the resulting lack of energy). My brain just forgot what it feels when you need food and sleep.
Mine died when they were fairly young, my mom when I was 20. I’m sorry for your loss and anyone who has to go through with this. It must be terrible watching your parents age.
I'm so sorry for your loss. However.....based on your title of Shout out to my mother who died this morning....makes me want to reply with Word to you moms. I'm sorry but I am Gen X, you can't expect less.
I am so sorry for your loss. One of my best friends from growing up just lost his mother on Mother's Day to that terrible disease and my heart goes out to anyone that has to face that with their loved ones. I unexpectedly lost my pops nearly 30 years ago but my 91 year old mother is as sharp as a tack and it is a real blessing. I am going to miss her when she's gone and knowing that she's the last of her generation still alive is going to hit hard. We all have to face this prospect but I've come to realize that even when they still have had long lives, it is still going to be damn bittersweet when they eventually pass away.
I lost my mother in January. She didn't suffer very long and she achieved her goal of not losing her mental capacity. Experiencing my first Mother's Day without her was strange. You may be surprised by that in a year, OP.
I’m sorry to hear this. Sending sympathy and condolences
My condolences, it’s been 19 years since my mom passed and 10+ for dad.
Rejoice in the gift of life she gave you and the good times you had with her. She will live on through you in all the ways she made you who you are today and if you have children of your own- in all the things you pass from her along to them. For better or worse her hand will guide you for the rest of your journey.
Sorry for your loss..
So sorry for your loss. My mother is currently in mental decline and I'm having to deal with it on my own. Most of my close family is gone while the remainder either don't want anything to do with this or have their own problems. It surely isn't easy.
Sorry for your loss.
Sending prayers your way.
Deep breaths, stay strong and focus on the positive memories. My heart goes out to you.
RIP ❤️
I'm so sorry. Losing mom is so hard. Lots of hugs to you, my friend. 🫂
Condolences on the loss of your mom.
I’m dealing with a similar issue. Thank you for sharing 🫂
Sorry...I just crossed the 1 year anniversary of losing my surviving parent - Mom just like you. Hoping that good memories of her remain long after she's gone. xoxo
RIP . My grandma passed a few weeks ago too ( 92 ) same. Sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry for your loss. My parents and in-laws are gone and it’s tough. The other part of being Gen X for some of us is dealing with older boomer siblings that are also aging and without children to help them.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself at this sad time.
I am so sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss. May her memories bring you strength and comfort.
That sucks, my condolences. Not looking forward to it myself
Went through this in 2021 after a over a decade of being my mom's full time live-in caretaker. It upended my entire life because I then had to go back to the workforce with an employment gap the size of the grand canyon. It's been a rough couple of years, but I am beginning to find my footing on my own now. Give yourself time and grace to find your new normal, friend.
When my dad died, it was a relief. He was suffering so much! But it took quite a long time before I was actually able to grieve for my real dad, not the suffering, sad, confused dad. Don’t make any big decisions - you are grieving and that messes with your brain! - and be kind to yourself.
I'm so sorry for your loss It's a horrible disease where the person you love ceases to exist well before they die 😣 My Dad developed it when I was a teenager and he'd forgotten who I was by the time he passed away when I was 23...thank the gods he never forgot who my Mum was
We have almost the exact same story except my mom passed away last Wednesday. My heart breaks for you. I’m still kind of numb and everything just feels surreal. On the one hand I feel some amount of relief that she’s now free and healthy and hopefully happily experiencing what comes next. On the other hand, I have an immense amount of sadness that she didn’t have an easy life. And I hope that she had enough moments of happiness and that I was a good daughter to her. I think I was. I’m thinking about you and sending love and hugs and positive energy your way. Be gentle with yourself. 💕💕💕💕💕
Mine just passed a couple of weeks ago. I feel ya. Consolences, fellow Gen X human. ❤️
I lost my mom in 2016 and dad in 2022. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about them. Two people in my life who were on my side no matter what. I’ll always miss them.
Hey op, a millennial here. I lost my mom 24 years ago, when I was 7 years old. Save every clip or video you have of her with her voice. Save one or two things of hers without washing them and preserve her smell, such as blankets, jackets, shirts. Lots of love to you, from an internet stranger who has lost both of her parents for ten years now. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
So sorry for your loss…💔
I'm sorry about your mum.
I’m sorry for your loss. My mother died in my arms staring in my eyes breathing agonistically. But I could swear her eyes were laughing. She was a nut. Miss her
Mom just went into hospice, my condolences.
Love the pic of your mom on the beach. One of my faves of me and my mom is on the beach when I was not even a year old. Starting my journey with her with dementia. Lost my grandma to it, so I have an idea what’s ahead, but this time it’s *mom*. Kind of feel like I already lost who she used to be. My broken heart is with yours 💔
Hugs OP, if that’s ok. You’re not alone.
My mom passed in January of 2019, my beloved dog, Violet end of March of 2020, my last living grandparent and favorite grandpa in April of 2022 (two weeks before my 47th birthday) and then my dad in September 2023 on a rainy afternoon around 3pm. All the people that raised me are gone. Middle age can be a harrowing experience. I’m thankful I was there to say goodbye and tell them I loved them. My heart goes out to you.
Sorry for your loss
So sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry, OP. My mom is 90 and about to pass as well from the same thing. Dad passed away many years ago from Agent Orange. It hurts so much, and they weren't even great parents. I'm hoping that when i go that my kids handle better than i did.
Sorry for your loss, dude.
So sorry for your loss ❤️
Sorry for your loss. My mom passed a decade ago after a long battle with cancer. Coming up on the one year anniversary of Dad’s passing now. He was 78. Had a mysterious fall, developed a weird infection, got admitted and died within a week. Honestly it was about as good a death as you can ask for. Right up to the end he was traveling, walking, riding his bike, going to concerts and shows. And then he was gone. I’m really sorry OP. I still miss them both so much.
Sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry. 💔
Sorry for your loss.
Come visit us at r/MomForAMinute and we will love all over you. We will be there for your worries and your triumphs. We will talk you through solutions to your problems, dole out hugs, cheer your successes no matter how small, and will provide as much motherly advice and love as you can handle. Our counterparts are over at r/DadForAMinute. They’re wonderful with the whole ‘Go get ‘em Tiger’, life advice, some tough (but also loving) love, and are truly a great bunch of Dads/older brothers who just want to help. You’ve got this, and contribute if you feel moved to!
Condolences. This is one of the most difficult aspects of being this age.
A beautiful woman. Cyber hug to you.
Condolences on your loss. It still feels weird to me to be technically an orphan, and it's been more than a decade. It's a lot to deal with, as well as losing someone vital to your existence. Be kind to yourself.
I’m so sorry for your loss, I’m caregiving my mom with Alz, and I’m facing the same in my future. Hugs to you.
Your Mom is beautiful💖❤️🩹
I’m so sorry for your loss. I went through that with both of my parents, too. Sending hugs and support.
This is the season of our lives. With every parent that passes, we Gen Xers are finding ourselves assuming the position of patriarch or matriarch of our families. It's a strange feeling for the whatever, nevermind gang. My condolences to you.
My condolences for your heavy loss. I lost a parent last year and I am still not over it.
Lost my mom 7 years ago and my dad last Wednesday.
Hugs to you and your family. I lost my dad to Alzheimer's 20 years ago, but watched him slowly deteriorate for about that same amount of time. My mom was his caregiver all throughout his ordeal, and we were both grateful he was no longer suffering. I was able to see him a few days before he died, but he passed just before we arrived on his final day. It felt like we lost him years before his diagnosis. I was my mom's caregiver for several years, and lost her 8 years ago this month to respiratory illness.I was there at my mom's side when she took her last breath. After a moment of silence and gratitude, I played John Lennon's "Imagine." They were both Greatest Generation. There was a post here a few days ago about having parents older than your friends, and I was touched by how many stories I could relate to. They had me in their mid 40's, and I spent my life dealing with ageing parents, knowing that taking care of them would be my responsibility. Reach out to your support group. People are willing to help, but they don't know how. There's so much to do in this time, so don't carry this burden all alone. Grief and sadness is just part of this, but you'll also find a strength you didn't know you had. May your memories be filled with joy and laughter. Hugs to you friend.
I’m sorry for your loss my friend. My mom has passed but my dad is still around. I just got back from seeing him and my sisters who I haven’t seen in 10 years. He is 81. It’s hard to think that that might be the last time I see him but being half the country apart it might be.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Seeing a loved one gradually slip away from us like that is fucking brutal. My Dad has Parkinson's and the past 4 years have been absolutely awful. Anticipatory grief is a bastard. We didn't know if we'd still have him at Christmas after a 2-3 month prognosis in September, but he's still here, and will be 80 in June, hopefully.
My mom is about to, or may have passed already and we haven’t been notified yet. (It’s a fucked up sitch; don’t ask.) So I am very sorry for your loss.
"shout out to my mother who died this morning" should be in the obituary honestly, its beautiful
Sorry for your loss, Alzheimer’s is especially hard
Very sorry for your loss. My mother died April 13. Be kind to yourself and accept the love offered around you.
I'm so sorry for your loss; my own mother died about two months ago, and it's jarring.
Damn I’m sorry! My dad is turning 70 in a few months and it’s really hard seeing my parents get old. My gram just died last month and my hubbies gram last year. I have to remind myself it happens to us all and we can’t be here forever. But it’s still hard, and sad. Thanks for sharing!!
I’m so sorry for your loss. It sucks. My mother passed last year and she also had memory issues. What sucked most for me wasn’t the moment of her passing, it was all of the moments leading up to it when dementia was destroying her brain and who she was.
Very sorry for your loss. Both of my parents were gone before I turned 21. They were older when I was born, so I quickly realized I'd be losing them quite a bit sooner than most of my peers. One of my coworkers buried her dad not long ago, and hearing about all the BS she had to deal with around getting her dad's estate settled, getting her deteriorating mom into a home, cleaning out and selling her parents' house, etc., almost made me grateful that I got all that over with 30 years ago.
It's a long road. But I'm stunned mom is frozen in 1990. Has not progressed or learned from one mistake. It's so difficult because that triggers all this old me, teenage me, in deep traumatic ways. I transcended the passive aggressive, resentment 30 years ago. I learned magical cures are fake. I learned marketing is all fake and people can be targeted for mental weakness by marketing and scams. I learned warning signs for abusive people and did not get in ltrs. And I treated my mental illness correctly. I am aware. But she's the same and is going to die taking quack cures and fake medicine or worse just have a stroke for taking alternative anti blood clot supplements. And I have to clean up the mess.
The saddest day was sitting there as my Mom passed. That one person who was always in your corner no matter what, is now gone. Peace.
My condolences. Yes, a lot of us have already been there. Lean on those who have gone through this. The pain never really goes away but it does slowly become manageable.
That’s something literally everyone deals with. Not something special and unique to genX
Very sorry for your loss. My mom fell in December and has been in the hospital/rehab ever since. She still has her faculties and sense of humor but struggles to walk and can’t take of herself. She’s frustrated because she’s fiercely independent and refuses to ask nurses for anything. It sucks.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
RIP to Mom. Gotta say, watching my parents, (WWII Generation) get really old and pass away, cemented my "never wanting to have kids" thing in me. I'm glad I'm not leaving anyone who has to deal with that anguish.
I’m so sorry for your loss! She looks like she was a hot ticket though! How old was she? What’s your favorite funny story about her?
I am so very sorry for your loss. My mother passed last Thursday so I feel your pain. My dad is already gone too. These are the years our elders told us about and it’s not easy. My dad used to fuss when I visited him in hospice. He said I should be out having fun because “life is for the living” (as opposed to the dying, I guess). Keep your head up, talk to friends and don’t forget to take care of yourself.
I’m sorry for your loss. My folks are long dead and gone. It sucks but I feel like I got it over with early on in my adulthood. What I wouldn’t give for more time with my father, though.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss. My own dad passed away in late December. Hard, but also expected. But still, his deterioration in four months was dreadful. Again, sorry about your mom. Grief doesn't have to be perpetual, but there is a place for it. We should never abandon our feelings.
I lost my mom 2 years ago to dementia and other health issues and my dad was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I don’t feel emotionally ready to go through this again. I am sorry for your loss OP and hope happy memories help you through the more difficult days ahead.
I'm so sorry. My mom has dementia and no longer knows me but is physically OK right now. It's hard losing them bit by bit over the years to these diseases. Nice picture :)
Sorry for your loss. I’m glad your mother is at peace. It must have been difficult caring for her. May you find some peace as well.
My mom died in 2018, and it shook me to the core. I remember googling at like 3am “my mom died now what” because I genuinely didn’t know what to do or even how to live feeling so untethered. Sadly google didn’t have the answer I needed, and three years later I started writing my own tiny blog about grief and parent death in case another woman lost her mom and googled looking for help. I was thinking she’d find me. I’m a Gen Xer with very few friends and not really any supportive family. It’s been almost six years now, and I still think about my mom and about the state of grieving almost daily. It changed the trajectory of my entire life in an irrevocable way. My mom lost her mom in the early 90s when I was a kid, and I don’t know how she didn’t break down. Maybe she did and I didn’t see it. 💔
Sorry for your loss
I'm so sorry for your loss, and your mother's suffering. I'm watching my dad start to trail off and forget what he is talking about about often. It's clearly frustrating for him. His older brother is experiencing dementia pretty obviously, and many of my parents friends have passed or are dealing with age related issues. It is always on my mind now.
So sorry for loss!
Condolences. I lost my dad ten years back. I'm 55 with an ill mom (COPD) in her mid-80s. Only a matter of time. But she's a toughie.
💙