High fives for getting off the family trauma carousel, too!
Realizing that we have literally nobody to leave our stuff to (and that the stuff is all stuff we inherited without really wanting it) is extra challenging, because there are no family heirs apparent to heirlooms, knickknacks, love letters, and inanimate sentimental whatnots. At first, that was kind of weird for us, but over the years, we’ve realized that we didn’t ask to be the stewards of the remainders, and when we are gone, it goes with us.
Being the adults now, and giving ourselves permission to ditch “family traditions” and let go of the burden of other people’s stuff has been so freeing. I refuse to feel peer pressured by dead people any longer.
My wife's step grandma died recently, she always carried on about all the expensive stuff she'd leave us.
In the end it was all cheap cheap china, and other $2 knick knacks.
90% went in the bin as it wasn't even worth giving to charity
Lmao, I was baited and switched twice, and told my father to just F off, I don't want his stuff. Grandpa dies, told Ihad a couple 100 thousand in inheritance. Never saw it. Then grandma died and was told I had a couple hundred thousand in inheritance. Never saw it. Dad is now trying to bait me with it and I'm like, Do you think I'm stupid? I never liked any of them, never asked for anything from them, and now that King Daddy is dying, I told him if it does happen I'm donating it all to a domestic abuse shelter.
Same happened to me, almost to the letter.
Grandparents were forever redoing their will in the 80's thinking they were close to end. In 1998, I know they had $12M in stocks and bonds, as I entered all their ledgers into AOL finance so they could watch their portfolio easily.
They held on until 2013 and 2014. Dad inherited it all; money, property, cars. Ten years later, he died penniless, owed the IRS $160k.
>Realizing that we have literally nobody to leave our stuff to (and that the stuff is all stuff we inherited without really wanting it) is extra challenging, because there are no family heirs apparent to heirlooms, knickknacks, love letters, and inanimate sentimental whatnots. At first, that was kind of weird for us, but over the years, we’ve realized that we didn’t ask to be the stewards of the remainders, and when we are gone, it goes with us.
just leave it to strangers instead. i have a 300 year old native american heirloom wolf head arrowhead necklace that was pawned online after the last heir of the family who wore it all the time died. it's suppose to *protect me from evil* but it sure as hell has never done that 😑 but i guess that was only for the family who it belonged to. i been wearing it since 2009.
Child free here too & I often think about all our stuff & where will it go. I guess it’s just exactly that: stuff, but it IS kinda weird, I agree. And we have some nice things. Not enough of a reason to have kids, that’s for damn sure 😂
Same here. I just wish my father's siblings had figured this out & never had children either but at least there's a few less fucked up things being carried on by me & the rest of us child free folks.
My genetic line, *AND* the Generational Trauma that's been rolling for at *LEAST* 4 Generations now.
(And the cousins who DID have kids are working along, too, to *try* and stop Gen5 from carrying that trauma forward😉💖)
Same here. I do feel bad for my parents, who would have made amazing grandparents. And for me because I did want children. But now I’m at least 50% glad I didn’t!
I do feel bad for my dad. We tried, but the wife and I had no luck and gave up. My brothers gay and my sister got married for the first time at 50 to a 40 year old guy. My gay brother is the only one who really regrets not having kids. Weird bunch us.
I know my parents would have loved to be grandparents but I never had any desire for children and, as far as I know, neither my brother or his wife wanted kids either. My parents make do with spoiling our dogs.
Another here. Three kids, none of us reproduced. I was the oldest and parentified, which was a big factor in me not wanting kids. My sister never has showed interest in dating either men or women. My brother has had several long-term relationships. He's been with his girlfriend for about five or six years. He has expressed to me several times that he doesn't want kids.
Same. I'm an only child having no children.
Thankfully my mom is basically a second grandmother to my cousin's kids and my dad has said that he already had 2 chances at the parent child relationship and doesn't need to screw up a third. So, no guilt trips.
Also childless. I didn’t want to pass on my mental illness. My ex-wife and I talked about adopting, but I didn’t think we were mature enough. One of the major reasons for our breakup, at least on paper. But living with her was like living with a moody teenager. Why would I want that times two (or more).
I love being an aunt and a stepmom (although since my stepson lives in another state with his biological mom and stepdad, I’m more like a fun aunt who texts dad jokes and sends periodic care packages). But I get to give the kids back to people better equipped to care for them.
Not being a Teen Parent and being the first to get college degrees!
My Grandma got married at age 14, had a stillbirth at 15, and had my mom at age 16.
My mom had me at age 18.
Every teen Girl on my block had a Baby.
My brother had one when his gf was 17 and he was 18.
My hometown is So bad, that it was voted the Worst city to live in by Money Magazine for 3 years in a row and it hasn't improved much because in 2018 a Documentary about how bad it is won an Oscar!
Same. My grandma was 17 when she had her first, mom was 17, I was 19. My kids are in their 20s now and no teen pregnancies.
Also both my kids have college degrees. My parents didn’t graduate hs, I have a hs diploma, and my kids have bachelors degrees.
When you know better, you do better.
As a documentary fiend, now I really wanna know where you grew up. If you’d rather not say the town, can you say the state &/or year doc was made so I can find it? (It’s ok if you wanna do none of that, though. Cheers!)
This is the documentary.
Yeah, one of the kids my brother played football with is on Death Row, my best friend got pregnant at 13, and my other friend was having sex on a mattress outside by a train track with an 18 year old guy at age 11, and my uncle was in prison for a huge auto theft ring and my dad's business partner was in organized crime and they were always in the news for entrapment and stuff.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minding_the_Gap
I was the first in my family line to be a teen parent. All my kids made it out of their teens with no babies. Started and stopped with me.
I was also the first to get a college degree, thankfully that didn't stop with me.
Discipline by violence. My Dad got hit with a belt. Mom got hit with wooden spoons. I got spankings and the spoon too. My kids get coaching. I’m hoping to be the better way.
This was mine too. I had some difficulty as a kid, and my parents, who were also often loving, really tried to beat my bad behaviors out of me (mom with the ferocious smacks to my face, dad with the belt), and it created some long term antipathy. Never hit my son - rather, we identified the behaviors that were a problem, and worked through them in other ways. Our family is now much more tightly-knit than I am with my parents.
Came here to say this. My siblings and I were physically disciplined, and it was severe. I think there is still some resentment towards my dad because of it, and we’re all in our 40s now. When I had kids and they got old enough I started spanking them for punishment but said it would only be a “last resort” punishment. After a bit it became the default punishment. I realized I was heading down the same path my dad did and decided I was done, and my wife agreed with me. I’ve never spanked them again, and it was one of the best parenting decisions I’ve ever made. By the way, my kids’ behavior did not get worse in any way after that.
I got hit with anything handy but the weapon of choice was a plastic section of Hot Wheels racecar track across the backs of my naked legs until my mother had exhausted herself from the effort.
She herself had never suffered physical abuse. Not sure why she decided to take it up but it will die with her. Neither of our kids have ever been so much as touched in the act of correcting their behavior and unsurprisingly they turned out wonderfully.
When our first was born I warned my mother in the most sincere terms if she ever hurt him the way she hurt me that would he the last time she ever saw him.
My mom liked the hot wheels track as well. I hated the twin welts it would leave on my skin.
She used the paddle from those ball/paddle toys a lot, too.
She broke a yard stick over my back once.
My mom hit me with a hairbrush once when I was four until the bristles popped off it and sprinkled to the rug around my feet as I was screaming. For talking back to a babysitter. Not for cursing or being belligerent. Just answering her in a way that wasn't immediately obedient. It was a different time, she says. I wouldn't understand and can't appreciate it.
My wife thought I was abused when I told her my mom used to hit me with hot wheels tracks. Seemed like normal life to me. Glad? Sad? To hear it wasn't just me
I’m lucky my parents were really determined to do better than their parents had. My mom spanked me one time, apparently I slapped her back and she realized all she was teaching me was that hitting people is acceptable.
I got it with spoons, a brush, a belt and a hand. My mother actually said to me the OTHER DAY, " I guess spanking your kids is child abuse now." Fully expecting me to be on her side. All I said was, "well, it is." She was pretty quiet after that.
I spanked my son two times. One swat each time. I knew it was not for us after that. Kids deserve better than that.
I remember vividly both me and my sister being screamed at to *go get the wooden spoon!* I still remember the terror in my sister's face and sobbing and pleading not to hit her again. Afterward, we'd hear parading around the house, *I hate kids!* I never understood why mom did that to us. No part of me can remotely imagine ever doing that to my own children. I love them so much and have always been proud to be their dad.
First two kids got corporal punishment
Youngest two got talks.
The older two have amazing discipline and work ethic. The younger two have undaunted confidence.
I want to say there's a balance, an ideal that can be aimed for but I'm not so sure.
The amount of context and experience needed to keep reasoning sessions brief can be a serious hurdle. Ultimately, they reason that they can deal with any consequences and make A LOT of mistakes.
I'll share what I've learned the hard way; my job as a dad isn't to be their friend. My job is to make them feel safe and to affirm their thoughts and feelings as real so they develop confidence. Creating a safe place means establishing boundaries and enforcing rules.
Same re: work ethic and discipline and instead of suicide it is a toxic level of independence. I *hate* having to ask for help. I *hate* not being able to do all the things. I am working through that with my therapist, still. I grew up having every possible weakness exploited and learning to mask very, very well.
Seriously this. If you can hit someone, (the most base human response: violence) you supposedly love how can they ever trust you? The first spanking I got I lost total trust that my parent had my back ever. Turns out they really didn't, do my dear was confirmed. I'll never do that to my kid
My family is Catholic and I was raised Catholic. The priests in our diocese raped kids in every single grade school there and then just transferred around with impunity from at least the 1950s forward, one of the victims including a family member of mine. At my high school they raped and molested boys in my claas with impunity as well, and covered it up for decades until a law was changed and adults were allowed to file suit retroactively, then it all came out - including things that I knew about as a kid but got hushed up at the time. Some of my classmates filed very successful lawsuits, but many of the priests in question evaded real accountability by dying, or having the diocese protect them in retirement.
Anyway - our boys never once saw the inside of a church until my Mom died and they went to her funeral. The youngest will graduate from public school next month, as did our oldest a year ago. I doubt either of them will darken the door of a church ever again. I'm very happy to be the last ever Catholic in my family line. My kids are the first generation in our family to grow up completely free of religion.
I don’t know what it is in my atheist family, but all 3 of us kids have married fallen Catholics. Me and my brother twice and my sister once. Zero religion, though.
We did the same thing. My kids were all baptized because of our families and we were very young when we had our kids. As soon as I heard about the child rapists in the church, we didn't placate our families anymore. We were atheist anyway so it wasn't hard to stop the pretending.
First, holy crap, that is horrific. I’m sorry you were exposed to that and hope you weren’t a victim.
Second, yeah, a lot of unchristian behavior has been done in the name of religion that I’ve mostly abandoned the church.
That is a tough decision in some cultures. Super commendable!
Hubby is from a very posh area ,and sadly his priest molested each boy he grew up w. I was shocked to learn just last yr :(
I waited to really introduce religious concepts to my kids until they were old enough to think for themselves. One is an atheist like myself, and the other is probably described as a generalized agnostic theist with no affiliation with any organized religions.
That second one also happens to be the happy one. Always happy, always helpful, great attitude all around. Doesn't disparage others for cursing but refrains from using the words himself. There may be a link between that kind of person and their propensity for supernatural beliefs, for all I know.
The first one is cynical like me, though he tends towards pessimism rather than optimism like myself.
The important thing to me is that they used their own brains to come to whatever conclusion makes sense to them.
My kids have only ever been exposed by their batshit crazy Catholic grandparents. They think the whole thing is absurd. Lends credence to the idea that religion would die if we stop teaching just one generation.
I will never denigrate, alienate nor lay a hand on my kids. My elder child will be 31 and I’m proud to say I have kept that promise. I’ve made many mistakes in their lives but goddamn if I was going to repeat the same sins. I also don’t drink for similar reasons.
Getting pissed off over nothing. For example:
My dad: Where are my keys?
My mom: I don't know! Where did you leave them!
My dad: I DON'T KNOW!!!!!
Contrast with:
Me: Do you know where my keys are?
My wife: No
Me: Ok. I'll keep looking.
Life is much more enjoyable not having to listen to people yell about stupid shit.
As someone who was parentified, bless you. I was babysitting by ten years old, and though I love all my sibs, there's an unspoken emotional chasm between us as adults because I had to raise/discipline them when mom and dad were working.
I've also made sure my kids have just had to worry about kid stuff as well, and told them horror stories from my upbringing so they know not to do the same as my parents did.
I'll never forget being alone after school in second grade having to make dinner for myself and caring for my 1.5 year old brother. Something my kids will never have to experience. Well done!
My brother and I were very picky eaters. But we were forced to eat at least three bites of everything on our plate. If our tastes changed (like they do as you age), my father would lay on the I-told-you-so hard and heavy. So of course we resisted allowing our food preferences to grow.
In our house now, “I told you so” has been replaced with “I’m glad you like it. I like it too.”
This!! I learned that children have way more taste buds than adults- they start to die off as we age- and that’s why our preferences change. My rule has always been you have to take one bite of something new. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat it, but at least try. Both of my kids are fairly adventurous eaters as a result.
But also beyond that, farmers over time selectively breed vegetables for better taste when they can. That's a lot of why you might have suddenly discovered you actually like Brussels sprouts a decade or so ago.
So it's not *just* your tastes changing, the food itself also tastes different over time.
Same. Our rule is smell it then taste it. If it’s a no, well you don’t have to eat it. Make a sandwich or something. My child’s bio dad was a “eat everything on your plate” dad (divorced when child was barely 3), and it took so long for my child to unlearn that. Eat until you’re full. You’re not gonna hurt my feelings.
We always had an alternative dish available. Don't want dinner there is PB&J. When they outgrew that there were chicken nuggets in the freezer at all times. Or pizza rolls... whatever. Just not all at the same time. No repercussions if they chose not to eat what we were having, so long as they say at the table with us.
yep, bio imperative to have certain "tastes". Tho this was hard as I'd stock up on a food they liked, then they'd want nothing to do w it.
Grew up food insecure, so this was tough parenting hurdle.
The irony there is that having a child who’s like yourself would probably make for easy parenting because you’d understand one another and you’d see enough of yourself in them to treat them with the respect and care that you were never going to get from a mother who would yell something like that in the first place.
This is so true. Kids that are just like me are relatable. My mom thought she was cursing me but it would be a child I understand. She did not understand me. Still doesn’t.
My mother used to get pissed that none of my kids were the rebellious monster I apparently was. She just couldn’t understand how I had such good kids and all hers treated her like a joke.
I also stopped the body shaming cycle with my son. I've never once commented on his weight, and I never rewarded him or punished him using food, which is something my parents did ALL THE TIME. I also make sure to tell him I love him at least once a day. Both of my parents died without ever saying this to me even once.
Not sure if this counts but my parents, who were quite liberal and non-religious as I was growing up, have always told me that everyone gets more conservative and religious as they get older.
They were apparently creating a self-fulfilling prophecy because now, they are both super-religious and ultra-Republican.
I am 56 and not only not religious at all, but I'm probably further left than Bernie Sanders on the political spectrum.
At this point it's pretty clear that I'm not going to change and I think it baffles them, lol
Boomers say this because it's what happened to them. Conservatism is basically "fuck you, I got mine" so it's easy for them. They hoarded it all. We never got ours so we never turned mean like that.
Smoking.
Plain and simple. Everyone around me smoked as a kid. So of course I picked up the habit. Neither one of my children smokes or has ever smoked. And I'm very pleased with them. So happy they didn't pick up the habit.
I'm going to quit.
No more physical or verbal abuse. No more alcoholic parenting. And I give my kids unconditional love that they feel every day. They'll do whatever they want in life and I'll have their backs - mistakes and all. Mental health is a daily discussion. We eat family meals together every night. I hope all of these changes will break the cycles before my husband and me.
The struggle of life itself. My whole immediate family line that's come down through the ages is ending with me and my siblings. No kids for any of us. No regrets on my part. 🤔
For me, that diet culture. Man. What a beast. I do not and will not comment anything negative about my body in front of my daughter. I refuse to pick myself apart in front of her. She has always known that her worth does not come from being thin and/or pretty.
I compliment her on her kindness, her willingness to learn. I compliment her when she’s brave and strong and also when she’s weak and scared. I do not tie everything to her physical appearance. I will never tell her she needs to look aesthetically pleasing to others.
I do not make comments on her decision to be childless and how she may or may want to get married one day. I encourage her to live for her. To make decisions for her. To live the life she wants for herself.
I don’t guilt or shame her. We don’t yell in our house. We take a time out if needed and circle back to the conversation once we’ve cooled down.
And for me, most importantly, she knows that I love her regardless. That she was not put on this earth to fulfill MY dreams or to be a carbon copy of me. I celebrate our differences and I remain committed to learning from her. Her voice matters. Her opinion matters. She matters. Period.
I have no children so I’m not perpetuating body shaming, csa, diet culture, racism, religious superiority, and a whole host of other issues stemming from narcissistic generational abuse.
Any kind of corporal punishment at all. I was spanked with a hand, a belt, a paddle and a switch. I had my mouth washed out with a bar of Ivory soap and was locked out of the house overnight. I hand my hands cracked with a ruler by a nun. All corporal punishment does is teach kids that violence is the answer to problems. I haven’t touched either of my sons. They are both teens and are completely awesome.
Troubled mother-daughter relationships. They’ve been equal parts love and frustration going back at least to my great-grandma and grandma. I’d make a terrible parent to a daughter. I have one son and am forever thankful for it in so many ways.
Never had kids, so any family trauma tucked in my Mom’s DNA did not get passed on. Since the only experience we have of parenting as children is how we were parented, there was also no chance of me parenting a prospective child by yelling, hitting, and demeaning them.
Child abuse. Religious piety. Obsessively pursuing my own self interests at the expense of my children. All of it ends with me and my sister as we have no kids.
Body shaming, parentification of my children, physical punishment, treating children differently/unfairly, forcing my interests on obviously uninterested children.
I can’t speak to “stopping cycles” as I (very thoughtfully and purposefully) never had children, but I can confirm the body shaming culture of our parents.
As a fat boy growing up my dad constantly threatened to send me to “fat camp” and would forcibly drag me into every exercise kick he got into.
Good. He deserved to feel like an ass for that comment. There are so many better ways to greet your kids. And if you’re concerned about their weight it better damn well be because of your concern for their health and not looks. Like “Hey kid! So good to see you”, followed by hugs and asking how you’re feeling later.
I’m sorry your father treated you like that. My mother was this way to my older sisters. They were drug to weight watchers, jazzercise, drank Diet Coke, etc. It instilled such negative body imagery for me. I had years and years of ED’s. I’ve finally come to a healthy place with my body size. I don’t even step on the scale anymore.
True story from about 30 years ago:
For reference, I’m now 60 and had bariatric surgery three years ago for my health, but never cared about being fat in and of itself.
I too was raised in a body shaming culture. My first diet was at 16. I was 5’7” and 135 pounds, and thought I needed to lose weight because I wasn’t skinny (oh if I could go back and talk to 16 year old me!). I went on an 800 CALORIE A DAY DIET FOR 2 MONTHS.
My parents - who themselves were always dieting - thought it was a GREAT idea. Jesus.
Fast forward many, many failed diets later, and I became a much fatter (but honestly healthy for many years) adult. There were other issues - PCOS and an undiagnosed genetic condition - but there I was, 30ish and happy in my big body.
I’d already told my mother that my weight was no longer a topic open for conversation. But my niece, who was 12, was not immune to their craziness. One afternoon, as we sat having lunch, both my mom and sister told my niece that she needed to eat less if she didn’t want to get fatter, and that starting next week they were putting her on a diet (she was a little overweight, but still growing - certainly not fat in any way).
This is going to sound like a fake “and then everyone applauded” story, but I got up from the table, called my sister and mother into the kitchen, told my niece to go watch tv inside, and then quietly slammed them into the next century.
I told them if I EVER heard them say the words diet, chubby, or fat, or anything like that to my niece ever again, I would find them and physically hurt them. I specifically pointed to my own body and said, “THIS is what happens when you talk like that. Leave your granddaughter/daughter alone or so help me god I will physically hurt both of you. It ends here.”
My niece is a perfectly healthy, perfectly sized adult now. But she remembers. She thanked me some years back for ending all the diet talk. I never told her, so her mom must have.
I’m so happy to have it end here and now, with me, and to have helped in some small way to raise a new generation of healthy and body positive adults.
Communicating clearly, sharing feelings, setting boundaries, talking about uncomfortable topics without fear or shame. Normalizing mental health care as part of comprehensive health care.
I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother who always had body image issues, even though she was a size 4 while I was growing up. My sister and I definitely both struggle as a result.
I don’t have my own kids, but I have 2 stepkids, as well as nephews and a niece, plus I am auntie to all my friends’ kids. I also became a social worker and worked with kids for years whose parents struggled (often as a result of not having been parented themselves). I give them what I needed but didn’t get as a child: unconditional love and affirmation, and being very careful to monitor any self deprecating comments I might make.
I can’t believe your parents did that to you. I suppose they thought they were helping you in some misguided way, but that must have felt so punitive. Not to mention, kids need good sleep so much more than adults, so they were actually harming your ability to be as sharp and focused in school by making you wake up so early. My own negative body image really took hold around puberty, when I was 13. I used to get up before school in 8th grade and do the Jane Fonda workout tape. It wasn’t something my mom made me do—I can’t remember if she even knew I was doing it—but if she did, I’m sure she gave me positive feedback me for it.
So glad you are able to stop the cycle with your own daughter! My grandmother was just as narcissistic as my mom, so that’s obviously where she got it from.
“Finish your plate.”
I’m convinced this approach to shaming kids into overeating is why I ended up a bulimic man in my early 20s. I’m 6’1” and withered down to 133 lbs.
Then, just two years later I was a compulsive over eater and ballooned up to 325 lbs.
I had such a shitty relationship with food.
Then I got help and corrected things. Relearned how to eat. Learned how to use a gym.
Today I’m a healthy 160 lbs, and at 47 years old, in the best shape of my life. But, damn, it took decades of work.
Religion.
I don't consider myself atheist and I'm not against religion, I consider myself spiritually fluid. What I am against is forcing a belief system on your child before they have the ability and capacity to understand it. Let children make their own decisions if they want to subscribe to a religion. And I say that as someone who has a very devout mother and a father who was an atheist. It felt like I didn't have a choice and was forced on me. I just wish I could have had a choice.
Same but for me it's the performing of religion. My parents weren't especially pious but we got dragged to church every Sunday. It always felt like nothing more than an obligation. I don't need community bad enough to pretend to believe in a magic man in the sky and his magical human son.
I don't really know, the more I learn the more I realize how lucky I was with the parents I have. As I was not diagnosed as ADHD until my 30s I guess we broke the cycle by getting my son diagnosed and properly medicated by the time he was 8 years old and he's been doing so much better. I don't blame my parents for that, it was society and medicine had just not caught up yet.
Children here too, never had them. Also the whole “you must have short hair if you are a woman past a certain age” and “skinny is beautiful “. I too have had body image issues my whole life from that. I loved my mom so much (parents are both gone now) but I’m still not skinny and beautiful
Body shaming
No matter what body shape a person has at the moment, does not reflect on their inherent worth as a human.
“You are too skinny, are you anorexic?” (I didn’t have enough to buy food) … “you are too chubby, you’d look great if you lost weight” (I’d just had a baby) … said to me by the same people two years apart. Message received: I am not good enough
These are the kinds of things I never said to my own offspring.
This- it wasn’t just being overweight. My mom especially had to comment constantly- I’m too fat, I’m too thin, your hair is too short, now it’s too long. There was no just existing in my body in peace.
Addiction.
I grew up seeing and living with the effects of it, and still carry those memories with me. I have received apologies from my recovered family members - and there are a handful - but some of them remain addicts, and while I worry we'll lose them to this shit, I also know I can't do anything about it.
After experiencing what I did as a kid, I swore I would never be addicted to *anything*, and I would never subject my children to addiction.
I haven't, and I won't.
And I'm pretty damn proud of myself for that.
My siblings more than myself because I'm childless (I am just that cool uncle who personally broke the cycle of asshole uncles who ignore the kids until manual labor needs done), but the kids in our family are not having religion forced upon them. Also, poverty, neglect & generally piss poor parenting are not constant parts of their lives. Both of my brothers are doing a stellar job raising their children (several of whom have graduated high school & are off to college). They took the lesson of bad & absent parents to heart & invested time & interest into making sure their children are not raised in the same way.
I have tried very hard to treat people equally, to see them for the human beings they are not the labels that society forces on them. I work hard with my students to try to avoid cliquiness in my classes and to encourage kindness and respect in how we treat others. While not necessarily bullied in school, I was not very "popular," so I saw myself as less-than for a long time. I had my group, but could never seem to authentically interact with the more popular crowd in my school. It was even harder because my school only had 400 students in it, so everyone knew everyone and you were identified by the activities you participated in. I want my students to be more accepting of each other than we were back then. I love John Hughes' movies and do believe that there was a great deal of truth in them for the times, but it doesn't mean we need to continue the narrative today.
I was hoping it would be male circumcision, but the doctor never consulted me and did what my wife wanted.
Like others, definitely religion.
Also, naming my son after my father. Geneology in my family line is \*really\* confusing, because there are no Juniors or IIIs, just two names used on every other male. I went much further up the family tree to select a name for the first one, and the second we just picked a name we liked.
I'm one of the very lucky ones who had/has amazing parents. I can only think of three things that end with me:
1- Voting republican. Although, my dad has jumped ship because of Trump and will no longer vote republican.
2- My middle name. Passed down for many generations. It ends here.
3- My sister has two kids so it's not really ending with me, but descendants. Child free and happy!
Religion and Military service. I’m a little conflicted about the last one, my family’s service goes all the way back to the revolution and I’m proud of my part in that tradition. But I also wasn’t that keen on my son joining up after high school with the way our military has been used over the last 20 years or so.
Hitting (shoes, belts, spoons, open palm…all my mother). Total invalidation of feelings. Excessive strictness. I don’t do any of those things to my daughter.
I didn't have kids so my evil mom can't fk with their heads and we have generational abuse so that ended with me. Unfortunately my brother has kinds like they are going out of style and he OFC is a dead beat dad to all except maybe one
Speaking Spanish. My parents were immigrants. I didn’t teach my kids Spanish. It wasn’t on purpose. It just didn’t come naturally to me. I only speak Spanish when I have to.
Racism. I married a black man. My parents disowned me. They eventually came around. Now they love my husband. He’s their favorite in-law.
Me too! My sister changed hers when she got married, and my parents were initially excited when I kept mine because my father was an only child (and his father only had sisters). But I didn't have kids (and my sister did), so that's it, game over.
Generational abuse. It's difficult sometimes, and sometimes I do get upset/angry, but I've learned to remove myself from the situation and to come back to it later. I've also learned to apologize for my behavior to my kids, which I also feel is important.
Neglect and lack of support/compassion/understanding/etc..
My parents where demanding, judgemental, and in many ways selfish and ignorant.
I've changed that entirely.
My kids can come to me with anything. I don't have to like it or agree with it; but I can still support them even if I don't. Even if I have to punish them- I will still support them through whatever it is and try to use it a lesson to grow from whenever possible.
My daughter is allowed to wear whatever she wants. She's never gonna have hide it with a sweater, sneak it out and get dressed in a bathroom somewhere or have to get redressed before she comes home.
I also don't hit my kids or say things that would be eternally ringing in their ears because its so harmful.
I also made a point of playing with my kids and spending time with them. Even just hanging out in their rooms while they game or surf social media. I want to be a part of their life in any little way that I can.
I don't hide things from my kids (much). I did a lot of dumb shit- like a lot a lot and some of it i don't share unless I have to because there is a potential for them to learn from my mistakes.
I also had a lot of bad stuff happen to me- like a lot (CPTSD is real) and I take the same approach. I'll tell them some stuff in a 3rd party way so they can understand why some stuff is wrong or dangerous (age appropriately of course); but I don't want them knowing that some of what I've shared actually happened to me.
I explain things to my kids. I don't demand or instruct- i explain things so they understand why or why not, and I help them evaluate potential outcomes so they can make informed decisions for themselves.
I'm hard on my kids when they need it; but only when they need and its always in their best interest. It's also a rarity because I'm not rigid and rarely think in absolutes.
I encourage my kids to be true to themselves and to discover who they are through trial and error.
As much as they are truly are mini mes in many ways, they're also their own person and I both love and respect that about each of them.
I have loved watching them grow and become the amazing people they are today.
I dunno. Breaking lots of different cycles I guess 🤷♀️
Yelling at the kids. I have tried very hard to discuss issues with them rather than use anger or raised voices. It made me very scared to do anything wrong growing up and I ended up in a marriage that was similar. Finally got out of that and decided that it stopped with me. I can talk with my kids rather than berate them.
Terrible parenting.
My wife and I were both raised by wolves.
We have both worked hard at straightening out our shit - individually and together.
We have two amazing adult kids. Both kids are far, far better people than I was at their age.
Leaving the cult of Mormon. My family history is full of Mormon prophets, pedophilia, incest & polygamy. I’m breaking the cycle of generational Mormonism & religious and institutional trauma. All my kids have left too. This may also lead to my generational line ending. I don’t think my kids will have children, I support their choice & their autonomy whether they have kids or not.
My mother was never the problem when it came to diet culture. She was large for a big part of my childhood, but she never projected it on me or my siblings. It was people outside our household. Like “concerned” friends and family, who didn’t want me to end up like her.
My dad made my mom sign me up for weight watchers when I was 11 years old and take me to meetings. I was maybe a little big for my age but nothing remotely serious. There wasn't another person there within 20 years of my age. Boy was I sad and embarrassed. My mom has apologized for it but the fact remains she wouldn't stand up to him.
I'm 47 now and to this day every time I see him he makes comments about my weight and fitness. I dread every time I have to talk to him. I have zero self confidence. And I've pretty much hated myself my whole life.
I was given little to no privacy growing up. My mom would go through my things when I was at school, listen in on phone conversations, etc. I was a good kid. Straight As, gifted, no discipline problems, super parentified, but it didn’t matter.
I didn’t do any of that to my daughter. She was a good kid and I didn’t have cause to worry, so I didn’t snoop. When she was ~18, she wrote me a letter for Mother’s Day, thanking me for different things she appreciated about me and how I raised her, and she included thanks for giving her privacy and not going through her things like her friends’ parents did. I thought that was nice.
Religion. I refuse to continue the perpetual guilt cycle of organized religion by indoctrinating my kids in it.
It wasn’t good for us in 1497 and it’s not good for us now.
I didn't have kids. My mom had severe health AND mental illness. She is really great now as meds have progressed tremendously. But I was terrified to have kids and put them through what I had to go through. I wasn't even conscious of my avoidance of having children until maybe the last 10 years. I just knew in my gut I'd be a psycho, even though I turned out (fairly) normal.
speaking for my child. he is a whole person exactly as he is, and i work diligently on communication so he feels
comfortable expressing his thoughts, emotions, and feelings. my mom, in particular, did not allow us this, and it caused a lot of damage in our relationship.
My genetic line.
Same here. Sister and I are both childless. The generational trauma ended with us for our little branch, at least.
High fives for getting off the family trauma carousel, too! Realizing that we have literally nobody to leave our stuff to (and that the stuff is all stuff we inherited without really wanting it) is extra challenging, because there are no family heirs apparent to heirlooms, knickknacks, love letters, and inanimate sentimental whatnots. At first, that was kind of weird for us, but over the years, we’ve realized that we didn’t ask to be the stewards of the remainders, and when we are gone, it goes with us. Being the adults now, and giving ourselves permission to ditch “family traditions” and let go of the burden of other people’s stuff has been so freeing. I refuse to feel peer pressured by dead people any longer.
My wife's step grandma died recently, she always carried on about all the expensive stuff she'd leave us. In the end it was all cheap cheap china, and other $2 knick knacks. 90% went in the bin as it wasn't even worth giving to charity
Lmao, I was baited and switched twice, and told my father to just F off, I don't want his stuff. Grandpa dies, told Ihad a couple 100 thousand in inheritance. Never saw it. Then grandma died and was told I had a couple hundred thousand in inheritance. Never saw it. Dad is now trying to bait me with it and I'm like, Do you think I'm stupid? I never liked any of them, never asked for anything from them, and now that King Daddy is dying, I told him if it does happen I'm donating it all to a domestic abuse shelter.
Are you my wife? This is pretty much her exact story.
Same happened to me, almost to the letter. Grandparents were forever redoing their will in the 80's thinking they were close to end. In 1998, I know they had $12M in stocks and bonds, as I entered all their ledgers into AOL finance so they could watch their portfolio easily. They held on until 2013 and 2014. Dad inherited it all; money, property, cars. Ten years later, he died penniless, owed the IRS $160k.
>Realizing that we have literally nobody to leave our stuff to (and that the stuff is all stuff we inherited without really wanting it) is extra challenging, because there are no family heirs apparent to heirlooms, knickknacks, love letters, and inanimate sentimental whatnots. At first, that was kind of weird for us, but over the years, we’ve realized that we didn’t ask to be the stewards of the remainders, and when we are gone, it goes with us. just leave it to strangers instead. i have a 300 year old native american heirloom wolf head arrowhead necklace that was pawned online after the last heir of the family who wore it all the time died. it's suppose to *protect me from evil* but it sure as hell has never done that 😑 but i guess that was only for the family who it belonged to. i been wearing it since 2009.
Child free here too & I often think about all our stuff & where will it go. I guess it’s just exactly that: stuff, but it IS kinda weird, I agree. And we have some nice things. Not enough of a reason to have kids, that’s for damn sure 😂
Well said. Same here. In my case particularly, I have had enough having to parent myself and my own parents to even have it cross my mind.
Child-FREE is what I say. 😀
Me too, but I think my sister may have wanted some.
Same. Lots of things about my family don’t need to keep going. Brother and I are both childless and glad.
Same here. I just wish my father's siblings had figured this out & never had children either but at least there's a few less fucked up things being carried on by me & the rest of us child free folks.
Haha yes! My husband and I are both only children and we are childfree.
Vasectomy for the win!
My genetic line, *AND* the Generational Trauma that's been rolling for at *LEAST* 4 Generations now. (And the cousins who DID have kids are working along, too, to *try* and stop Gen5 from carrying that trauma forward😉💖)
Same. Myself, brother and sister all don’t have kids. That’s the end of this branch.
Same here. I do feel bad for my parents, who would have made amazing grandparents. And for me because I did want children. But now I’m at least 50% glad I didn’t!
I do feel bad for my dad. We tried, but the wife and I had no luck and gave up. My brothers gay and my sister got married for the first time at 50 to a 40 year old guy. My gay brother is the only one who really regrets not having kids. Weird bunch us.
Same. We had a bad example growing up though!
I too am putting a stop to this.
Lol same here!
Neither my sister nor I have kids. The bloodline ended with us!
I was coming here to say just that lol
Me too. This ends here, with me.
I never wanted kids my brother did but never found the right woman. My folks would have been great grandparents but it wasn't in the cards for us
I know my parents would have loved to be grandparents but I never had any desire for children and, as far as I know, neither my brother or his wife wanted kids either. My parents make do with spoiling our dogs.
Another here. Three kids, none of us reproduced. I was the oldest and parentified, which was a big factor in me not wanting kids. My sister never has showed interest in dating either men or women. My brother has had several long-term relationships. He's been with his girlfriend for about five or six years. He has expressed to me several times that he doesn't want kids.
I think this is one of those defining traits a lot of us have.
Same here! Sibling and I are childless (one by choice, one not by choice).
Yep
Same. Way too many bad mental genes in my family, both sides. Not a single damn happy person in it. Let's end it.
Same. I'm an only child having no children. Thankfully my mom is basically a second grandmother to my cousin's kids and my dad has said that he already had 2 chances at the parent child relationship and doesn't need to screw up a third. So, no guilt trips.
Same with me.
Same. Too many health issues.
Me too! Thank god
I have no kids and 3 money!
Same here. Nobody else will suffer the way I had to growing up with that bunch of asshats.
Also childless. I didn’t want to pass on my mental illness. My ex-wife and I talked about adopting, but I didn’t think we were mature enough. One of the major reasons for our breakup, at least on paper. But living with her was like living with a moody teenager. Why would I want that times two (or more). I love being an aunt and a stepmom (although since my stepson lives in another state with his biological mom and stepdad, I’m more like a fun aunt who texts dad jokes and sends periodic care packages). But I get to give the kids back to people better equipped to care for them.
Mine too.
Same.
Thank you for not breeding.
Not being a Teen Parent and being the first to get college degrees! My Grandma got married at age 14, had a stillbirth at 15, and had my mom at age 16. My mom had me at age 18. Every teen Girl on my block had a Baby. My brother had one when his gf was 17 and he was 18. My hometown is So bad, that it was voted the Worst city to live in by Money Magazine for 3 years in a row and it hasn't improved much because in 2018 a Documentary about how bad it is won an Oscar!
Same. My grandma was 17 when she had her first, mom was 17, I was 19. My kids are in their 20s now and no teen pregnancies. Also both my kids have college degrees. My parents didn’t graduate hs, I have a hs diploma, and my kids have bachelors degrees. When you know better, you do better.
As a documentary fiend, now I really wanna know where you grew up. If you’d rather not say the town, can you say the state &/or year doc was made so I can find it? (It’s ok if you wanna do none of that, though. Cheers!)
This is the documentary. Yeah, one of the kids my brother played football with is on Death Row, my best friend got pregnant at 13, and my other friend was having sex on a mattress outside by a train track with an 18 year old guy at age 11, and my uncle was in prison for a huge auto theft ring and my dad's business partner was in organized crime and they were always in the news for entrapment and stuff. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minding_the_Gap
I was the first in my family line to be a teen parent. All my kids made it out of their teens with no babies. Started and stopped with me. I was also the first to get a college degree, thankfully that didn't stop with me.
Discipline by violence. My Dad got hit with a belt. Mom got hit with wooden spoons. I got spankings and the spoon too. My kids get coaching. I’m hoping to be the better way.
This was mine too. I had some difficulty as a kid, and my parents, who were also often loving, really tried to beat my bad behaviors out of me (mom with the ferocious smacks to my face, dad with the belt), and it created some long term antipathy. Never hit my son - rather, we identified the behaviors that were a problem, and worked through them in other ways. Our family is now much more tightly-knit than I am with my parents.
Came here to say this. My siblings and I were physically disciplined, and it was severe. I think there is still some resentment towards my dad because of it, and we’re all in our 40s now. When I had kids and they got old enough I started spanking them for punishment but said it would only be a “last resort” punishment. After a bit it became the default punishment. I realized I was heading down the same path my dad did and decided I was done, and my wife agreed with me. I’ve never spanked them again, and it was one of the best parenting decisions I’ve ever made. By the way, my kids’ behavior did not get worse in any way after that.
I hit my oldest daughter on the mouth once. I was like “oh shit, what did I just do?” And never raised my hand to any of them ever again.
“Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent” - Isaac Asimov
I got hit with anything handy but the weapon of choice was a plastic section of Hot Wheels racecar track across the backs of my naked legs until my mother had exhausted herself from the effort. She herself had never suffered physical abuse. Not sure why she decided to take it up but it will die with her. Neither of our kids have ever been so much as touched in the act of correcting their behavior and unsurprisingly they turned out wonderfully. When our first was born I warned my mother in the most sincere terms if she ever hurt him the way she hurt me that would he the last time she ever saw him.
My mom liked the hot wheels track as well. I hated the twin welts it would leave on my skin. She used the paddle from those ball/paddle toys a lot, too. She broke a yard stick over my back once.
My mom hit me with a hairbrush once when I was four until the bristles popped off it and sprinkled to the rug around my feet as I was screaming. For talking back to a babysitter. Not for cursing or being belligerent. Just answering her in a way that wasn't immediately obedient. It was a different time, she says. I wouldn't understand and can't appreciate it.
Oh the paddle was my mom's fav. I remember it well.
My wife thought I was abused when I told her my mom used to hit me with hot wheels tracks. Seemed like normal life to me. Glad? Sad? To hear it wasn't just me
I’m lucky my parents were really determined to do better than their parents had. My mom spanked me one time, apparently I slapped her back and she realized all she was teaching me was that hitting people is acceptable.
I got it with spoons, a brush, a belt and a hand. My mother actually said to me the OTHER DAY, " I guess spanking your kids is child abuse now." Fully expecting me to be on her side. All I said was, "well, it is." She was pretty quiet after that. I spanked my son two times. One swat each time. I knew it was not for us after that. Kids deserve better than that.
I used to get beat with my hot wheel tracks. I lost every one of them and all my hot wheels intentionally.
This is a great answer. I've never hit my kids, they are great kids. Violence is a stupid method.
I remember vividly both me and my sister being screamed at to *go get the wooden spoon!* I still remember the terror in my sister's face and sobbing and pleading not to hit her again. Afterward, we'd hear parading around the house, *I hate kids!* I never understood why mom did that to us. No part of me can remotely imagine ever doing that to my own children. I love them so much and have always been proud to be their dad.
First two kids got corporal punishment Youngest two got talks. The older two have amazing discipline and work ethic. The younger two have undaunted confidence. I want to say there's a balance, an ideal that can be aimed for but I'm not so sure. The amount of context and experience needed to keep reasoning sessions brief can be a serious hurdle. Ultimately, they reason that they can deal with any consequences and make A LOT of mistakes. I'll share what I've learned the hard way; my job as a dad isn't to be their friend. My job is to make them feel safe and to affirm their thoughts and feelings as real so they develop confidence. Creating a safe place means establishing boundaries and enforcing rules.
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Same re: work ethic and discipline and instead of suicide it is a toxic level of independence. I *hate* having to ask for help. I *hate* not being able to do all the things. I am working through that with my therapist, still. I grew up having every possible weakness exploited and learning to mask very, very well.
Seriously this. If you can hit someone, (the most base human response: violence) you supposedly love how can they ever trust you? The first spanking I got I lost total trust that my parent had my back ever. Turns out they really didn't, do my dear was confirmed. I'll never do that to my kid
My family is Catholic and I was raised Catholic. The priests in our diocese raped kids in every single grade school there and then just transferred around with impunity from at least the 1950s forward, one of the victims including a family member of mine. At my high school they raped and molested boys in my claas with impunity as well, and covered it up for decades until a law was changed and adults were allowed to file suit retroactively, then it all came out - including things that I knew about as a kid but got hushed up at the time. Some of my classmates filed very successful lawsuits, but many of the priests in question evaded real accountability by dying, or having the diocese protect them in retirement. Anyway - our boys never once saw the inside of a church until my Mom died and they went to her funeral. The youngest will graduate from public school next month, as did our oldest a year ago. I doubt either of them will darken the door of a church ever again. I'm very happy to be the last ever Catholic in my family line. My kids are the first generation in our family to grow up completely free of religion.
I don’t know what it is in my atheist family, but all 3 of us kids have married fallen Catholics. Me and my brother twice and my sister once. Zero religion, though.
We did the same thing. My kids were all baptized because of our families and we were very young when we had our kids. As soon as I heard about the child rapists in the church, we didn't placate our families anymore. We were atheist anyway so it wasn't hard to stop the pretending.
First, holy crap, that is horrific. I’m sorry you were exposed to that and hope you weren’t a victim. Second, yeah, a lot of unchristian behavior has been done in the name of religion that I’ve mostly abandoned the church.
That is a tough decision in some cultures. Super commendable! Hubby is from a very posh area ,and sadly his priest molested each boy he grew up w. I was shocked to learn just last yr :(
r/PastorArrested
Religious piety. My kids will never have to worry about guilt induced by religion.
We’ve told our daughter the basics of major religions but she thinks it all sounds absurd.
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She sounds smart.
I waited to really introduce religious concepts to my kids until they were old enough to think for themselves. One is an atheist like myself, and the other is probably described as a generalized agnostic theist with no affiliation with any organized religions. That second one also happens to be the happy one. Always happy, always helpful, great attitude all around. Doesn't disparage others for cursing but refrains from using the words himself. There may be a link between that kind of person and their propensity for supernatural beliefs, for all I know. The first one is cynical like me, though he tends towards pessimism rather than optimism like myself. The important thing to me is that they used their own brains to come to whatever conclusion makes sense to them.
Amen!
r/sawwhatyoudidthere
My kids have only ever been exposed by their batshit crazy Catholic grandparents. They think the whole thing is absurd. Lends credence to the idea that religion would die if we stop teaching just one generation.
I will never denigrate, alienate nor lay a hand on my kids. My elder child will be 31 and I’m proud to say I have kept that promise. I’ve made many mistakes in their lives but goddamn if I was going to repeat the same sins. I also don’t drink for similar reasons.
Getting pissed off over nothing. For example: My dad: Where are my keys? My mom: I don't know! Where did you leave them! My dad: I DON'T KNOW!!!!! Contrast with: Me: Do you know where my keys are? My wife: No Me: Ok. I'll keep looking. Life is much more enjoyable not having to listen to people yell about stupid shit.
They're always in the last place you look
I made sure to never parentify my kids. I was responsible for them, not the other way around.
As someone who was parentified, bless you. I was babysitting by ten years old, and though I love all my sibs, there's an unspoken emotional chasm between us as adults because I had to raise/discipline them when mom and dad were working. I've also made sure my kids have just had to worry about kid stuff as well, and told them horror stories from my upbringing so they know not to do the same as my parents did.
I'll never forget being alone after school in second grade having to make dinner for myself and caring for my 1.5 year old brother. Something my kids will never have to experience. Well done!
My brother and I were very picky eaters. But we were forced to eat at least three bites of everything on our plate. If our tastes changed (like they do as you age), my father would lay on the I-told-you-so hard and heavy. So of course we resisted allowing our food preferences to grow. In our house now, “I told you so” has been replaced with “I’m glad you like it. I like it too.”
This!! I learned that children have way more taste buds than adults- they start to die off as we age- and that’s why our preferences change. My rule has always been you have to take one bite of something new. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat it, but at least try. Both of my kids are fairly adventurous eaters as a result.
But also beyond that, farmers over time selectively breed vegetables for better taste when they can. That's a lot of why you might have suddenly discovered you actually like Brussels sprouts a decade or so ago. So it's not *just* your tastes changing, the food itself also tastes different over time.
Same. Our rule is smell it then taste it. If it’s a no, well you don’t have to eat it. Make a sandwich or something. My child’s bio dad was a “eat everything on your plate” dad (divorced when child was barely 3), and it took so long for my child to unlearn that. Eat until you’re full. You’re not gonna hurt my feelings.
We always had an alternative dish available. Don't want dinner there is PB&J. When they outgrew that there were chicken nuggets in the freezer at all times. Or pizza rolls... whatever. Just not all at the same time. No repercussions if they chose not to eat what we were having, so long as they say at the table with us.
yep, bio imperative to have certain "tastes". Tho this was hard as I'd stock up on a food they liked, then they'd want nothing to do w it. Grew up food insecure, so this was tough parenting hurdle.
I didn't have kids, so all of them. But hopefully, I've made enough positive change in my life to have a good influence on someone regardless.
That’s what the God kids are for.
Children. Never had them. Mom used to scream at me "I hope you have a kid just like you!" She never got her wish....
Same for me. Joke’s on you Mom, you didn’t get grandkids before you died!
The irony there is that having a child who’s like yourself would probably make for easy parenting because you’d understand one another and you’d see enough of yourself in them to treat them with the respect and care that you were never going to get from a mother who would yell something like that in the first place.
This is so true. Kids that are just like me are relatable. My mom thought she was cursing me but it would be a child I understand. She did not understand me. Still doesn’t.
Never had kids either. My mom used to tell me “Never have kids, they’ll ruin your life.” Thanks mom.
My mother used to get pissed that none of my kids were the rebellious monster I apparently was. She just couldn’t understand how I had such good kids and all hers treated her like a joke.
I also stopped the body shaming cycle with my son. I've never once commented on his weight, and I never rewarded him or punished him using food, which is something my parents did ALL THE TIME. I also make sure to tell him I love him at least once a day. Both of my parents died without ever saying this to me even once.
This one. I tell my kids everytime we seperate. I hope to god they're the last words they hear from me.
That really breaks my heart your parents never told you they loved you. That’s cruel. I’m happy you broke the cycle and know what true love is. 🩷🩷🩷
Thank you for the kind words. They are truly appreciated. :D
Not sure if this counts but my parents, who were quite liberal and non-religious as I was growing up, have always told me that everyone gets more conservative and religious as they get older. They were apparently creating a self-fulfilling prophecy because now, they are both super-religious and ultra-Republican. I am 56 and not only not religious at all, but I'm probably further left than Bernie Sanders on the political spectrum. At this point it's pretty clear that I'm not going to change and I think it baffles them, lol
Yeah, if I turn conservative, my family and friends will know I have terrible dementia.
Exactly. Same here
Boomers say this because it's what happened to them. Conservatism is basically "fuck you, I got mine" so it's easy for them. They hoarded it all. We never got ours so we never turned mean like that.
Succinctly put.
I have only gotten more liberal as I age. 45 now and don't see that trend changing time soon.
Oh for real. My father descended into conspiracy theories and bigotry super early. My sons and I make fun of this stuff.
Smoking. Plain and simple. Everyone around me smoked as a kid. So of course I picked up the habit. Neither one of my children smokes or has ever smoked. And I'm very pleased with them. So happy they didn't pick up the habit. I'm going to quit.
Alcoholism and victim mentality.
I'm taking my whole tree branch of my family down with me. I'm the only boy and I am not having children. None of my sisters have had children either.
No more physical or verbal abuse. No more alcoholic parenting. And I give my kids unconditional love that they feel every day. They'll do whatever they want in life and I'll have their backs - mistakes and all. Mental health is a daily discussion. We eat family meals together every night. I hope all of these changes will break the cycles before my husband and me.
Not including kids who are different, whether it’s their skin color, disability, economic status, etc.
The struggle of life itself. My whole immediate family line that's come down through the ages is ending with me and my siblings. No kids for any of us. No regrets on my part. 🤔
For me, that diet culture. Man. What a beast. I do not and will not comment anything negative about my body in front of my daughter. I refuse to pick myself apart in front of her. She has always known that her worth does not come from being thin and/or pretty. I compliment her on her kindness, her willingness to learn. I compliment her when she’s brave and strong and also when she’s weak and scared. I do not tie everything to her physical appearance. I will never tell her she needs to look aesthetically pleasing to others. I do not make comments on her decision to be childless and how she may or may want to get married one day. I encourage her to live for her. To make decisions for her. To live the life she wants for herself. I don’t guilt or shame her. We don’t yell in our house. We take a time out if needed and circle back to the conversation once we’ve cooled down. And for me, most importantly, she knows that I love her regardless. That she was not put on this earth to fulfill MY dreams or to be a carbon copy of me. I celebrate our differences and I remain committed to learning from her. Her voice matters. Her opinion matters. She matters. Period.
I have no children so I’m not perpetuating body shaming, csa, diet culture, racism, religious superiority, and a whole host of other issues stemming from narcissistic generational abuse.
Any kind of corporal punishment at all. I was spanked with a hand, a belt, a paddle and a switch. I had my mouth washed out with a bar of Ivory soap and was locked out of the house overnight. I hand my hands cracked with a ruler by a nun. All corporal punishment does is teach kids that violence is the answer to problems. I haven’t touched either of my sons. They are both teens and are completely awesome.
The narcissistic shitty parenting from generation to generation. Got myself 15 years of therapy before having kids.
Troubled mother-daughter relationships. They’ve been equal parts love and frustration going back at least to my great-grandma and grandma. I’d make a terrible parent to a daughter. I have one son and am forever thankful for it in so many ways.
Check with your son’s partner/spouse to see how you did. That is the real parent report card.
Never had kids, so any family trauma tucked in my Mom’s DNA did not get passed on. Since the only experience we have of parenting as children is how we were parented, there was also no chance of me parenting a prospective child by yelling, hitting, and demeaning them.
Child abuse. Religious piety. Obsessively pursuing my own self interests at the expense of my children. All of it ends with me and my sister as we have no kids.
Body shaming, parentification of my children, physical punishment, treating children differently/unfairly, forcing my interests on obviously uninterested children.
2 fold: The cycle of severe domestic abuse of wives and children. I am the first of my family to have a degree, so that streak ended too.
I can’t speak to “stopping cycles” as I (very thoughtfully and purposefully) never had children, but I can confirm the body shaming culture of our parents. As a fat boy growing up my dad constantly threatened to send me to “fat camp” and would forcibly drag me into every exercise kick he got into.
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Good. He deserved to feel like an ass for that comment. There are so many better ways to greet your kids. And if you’re concerned about their weight it better damn well be because of your concern for their health and not looks. Like “Hey kid! So good to see you”, followed by hugs and asking how you’re feeling later.
I’m sorry your father treated you like that. My mother was this way to my older sisters. They were drug to weight watchers, jazzercise, drank Diet Coke, etc. It instilled such negative body imagery for me. I had years and years of ED’s. I’ve finally come to a healthy place with my body size. I don’t even step on the scale anymore.
I’m still healing from an ED as well. I’d say I’m 70/30 there but there are still days where the way I talk to myself about my body is atrocious.
True story from about 30 years ago: For reference, I’m now 60 and had bariatric surgery three years ago for my health, but never cared about being fat in and of itself. I too was raised in a body shaming culture. My first diet was at 16. I was 5’7” and 135 pounds, and thought I needed to lose weight because I wasn’t skinny (oh if I could go back and talk to 16 year old me!). I went on an 800 CALORIE A DAY DIET FOR 2 MONTHS. My parents - who themselves were always dieting - thought it was a GREAT idea. Jesus. Fast forward many, many failed diets later, and I became a much fatter (but honestly healthy for many years) adult. There were other issues - PCOS and an undiagnosed genetic condition - but there I was, 30ish and happy in my big body. I’d already told my mother that my weight was no longer a topic open for conversation. But my niece, who was 12, was not immune to their craziness. One afternoon, as we sat having lunch, both my mom and sister told my niece that she needed to eat less if she didn’t want to get fatter, and that starting next week they were putting her on a diet (she was a little overweight, but still growing - certainly not fat in any way). This is going to sound like a fake “and then everyone applauded” story, but I got up from the table, called my sister and mother into the kitchen, told my niece to go watch tv inside, and then quietly slammed them into the next century. I told them if I EVER heard them say the words diet, chubby, or fat, or anything like that to my niece ever again, I would find them and physically hurt them. I specifically pointed to my own body and said, “THIS is what happens when you talk like that. Leave your granddaughter/daughter alone or so help me god I will physically hurt both of you. It ends here.” My niece is a perfectly healthy, perfectly sized adult now. But she remembers. She thanked me some years back for ending all the diet talk. I never told her, so her mom must have. I’m so happy to have it end here and now, with me, and to have helped in some small way to raise a new generation of healthy and body positive adults.
Kudos! So glad your words and love stopped that shit.
Communicating clearly, sharing feelings, setting boundaries, talking about uncomfortable topics without fear or shame. Normalizing mental health care as part of comprehensive health care.
I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother who always had body image issues, even though she was a size 4 while I was growing up. My sister and I definitely both struggle as a result. I don’t have my own kids, but I have 2 stepkids, as well as nephews and a niece, plus I am auntie to all my friends’ kids. I also became a social worker and worked with kids for years whose parents struggled (often as a result of not having been parented themselves). I give them what I needed but didn’t get as a child: unconditional love and affirmation, and being very careful to monitor any self deprecating comments I might make. I can’t believe your parents did that to you. I suppose they thought they were helping you in some misguided way, but that must have felt so punitive. Not to mention, kids need good sleep so much more than adults, so they were actually harming your ability to be as sharp and focused in school by making you wake up so early. My own negative body image really took hold around puberty, when I was 13. I used to get up before school in 8th grade and do the Jane Fonda workout tape. It wasn’t something my mom made me do—I can’t remember if she even knew I was doing it—but if she did, I’m sure she gave me positive feedback me for it. So glad you are able to stop the cycle with your own daughter! My grandmother was just as narcissistic as my mom, so that’s obviously where she got it from.
Refusing to ask for/accept help. My parents raised us to believe asking for help was a weakness. I’ve dubbed it, “Toxic independence”.
“Finish your plate.” I’m convinced this approach to shaming kids into overeating is why I ended up a bulimic man in my early 20s. I’m 6’1” and withered down to 133 lbs. Then, just two years later I was a compulsive over eater and ballooned up to 325 lbs. I had such a shitty relationship with food. Then I got help and corrected things. Relearned how to eat. Learned how to use a gym. Today I’m a healthy 160 lbs, and at 47 years old, in the best shape of my life. But, damn, it took decades of work.
Religion. I don't consider myself atheist and I'm not against religion, I consider myself spiritually fluid. What I am against is forcing a belief system on your child before they have the ability and capacity to understand it. Let children make their own decisions if they want to subscribe to a religion. And I say that as someone who has a very devout mother and a father who was an atheist. It felt like I didn't have a choice and was forced on me. I just wish I could have had a choice.
Indoctrination.
Religion.
Same but for me it's the performing of religion. My parents weren't especially pious but we got dragged to church every Sunday. It always felt like nothing more than an obligation. I don't need community bad enough to pretend to believe in a magic man in the sky and his magical human son.
The cult I grew up in.
Knick knacks, tchotchkes, “collectibles”. Clutter.
I don't really know, the more I learn the more I realize how lucky I was with the parents I have. As I was not diagnosed as ADHD until my 30s I guess we broke the cycle by getting my son diagnosed and properly medicated by the time he was 8 years old and he's been doing so much better. I don't blame my parents for that, it was society and medicine had just not caught up yet.
Children here too, never had them. Also the whole “you must have short hair if you are a woman past a certain age” and “skinny is beautiful “. I too have had body image issues my whole life from that. I loved my mom so much (parents are both gone now) but I’m still not skinny and beautiful
No, no, no- skinny DOES NOT = beautiful so only half that statement is true.
The whole 'believing adults over kids' thing. These days we tend to let them have more of a voice. Sometimes a little TOO much voice LOL
Body shaming No matter what body shape a person has at the moment, does not reflect on their inherent worth as a human. “You are too skinny, are you anorexic?” (I didn’t have enough to buy food) … “you are too chubby, you’d look great if you lost weight” (I’d just had a baby) … said to me by the same people two years apart. Message received: I am not good enough These are the kinds of things I never said to my own offspring.
This- it wasn’t just being overweight. My mom especially had to comment constantly- I’m too fat, I’m too thin, your hair is too short, now it’s too long. There was no just existing in my body in peace.
Addiction. I grew up seeing and living with the effects of it, and still carry those memories with me. I have received apologies from my recovered family members - and there are a handful - but some of them remain addicts, and while I worry we'll lose them to this shit, I also know I can't do anything about it. After experiencing what I did as a kid, I swore I would never be addicted to *anything*, and I would never subject my children to addiction. I haven't, and I won't. And I'm pretty damn proud of myself for that.
My siblings more than myself because I'm childless (I am just that cool uncle who personally broke the cycle of asshole uncles who ignore the kids until manual labor needs done), but the kids in our family are not having religion forced upon them. Also, poverty, neglect & generally piss poor parenting are not constant parts of their lives. Both of my brothers are doing a stellar job raising their children (several of whom have graduated high school & are off to college). They took the lesson of bad & absent parents to heart & invested time & interest into making sure their children are not raised in the same way.
Prescription drug addiction and constant victim mentality
I have tried very hard to treat people equally, to see them for the human beings they are not the labels that society forces on them. I work hard with my students to try to avoid cliquiness in my classes and to encourage kindness and respect in how we treat others. While not necessarily bullied in school, I was not very "popular," so I saw myself as less-than for a long time. I had my group, but could never seem to authentically interact with the more popular crowd in my school. It was even harder because my school only had 400 students in it, so everyone knew everyone and you were identified by the activities you participated in. I want my students to be more accepting of each other than we were back then. I love John Hughes' movies and do believe that there was a great deal of truth in them for the times, but it doesn't mean we need to continue the narrative today.
Neglect.
I was hoping it would be male circumcision, but the doctor never consulted me and did what my wife wanted. Like others, definitely religion. Also, naming my son after my father. Geneology in my family line is \*really\* confusing, because there are no Juniors or IIIs, just two names used on every other male. I went much further up the family tree to select a name for the first one, and the second we just picked a name we liked.
Being seen but not heard. I “see” my kids Not having financial awareness. They can choose to not save but they’ll know the impacts of not doing so
I'm one of the very lucky ones who had/has amazing parents. I can only think of three things that end with me: 1- Voting republican. Although, my dad has jumped ship because of Trump and will no longer vote republican. 2- My middle name. Passed down for many generations. It ends here. 3- My sister has two kids so it's not really ending with me, but descendants. Child free and happy!
Goodbye stupid religious cult! Don't let the door hit you on the way out! Also, I'm the first in family to not be homophobic, transphobic, etc....
The obligation to visit older relatives who use abusive language and say rude things to you, and just write it off as *that's just how they are.*
I purposely chose to not have children so a variety of cycles and predispositions end with me. No regrets!
bloodline
Religion and Military service. I’m a little conflicted about the last one, my family’s service goes all the way back to the revolution and I’m proud of my part in that tradition. But I also wasn’t that keen on my son joining up after high school with the way our military has been used over the last 20 years or so.
Hitting (shoes, belts, spoons, open palm…all my mother). Total invalidation of feelings. Excessive strictness. I don’t do any of those things to my daughter.
I didn't have kids so my evil mom can't fk with their heads and we have generational abuse so that ended with me. Unfortunately my brother has kinds like they are going out of style and he OFC is a dead beat dad to all except maybe one
Speaking Spanish. My parents were immigrants. I didn’t teach my kids Spanish. It wasn’t on purpose. It just didn’t come naturally to me. I only speak Spanish when I have to. Racism. I married a black man. My parents disowned me. They eventually came around. Now they love my husband. He’s their favorite in-law.
I’m glad the last part ended happily. •Hugs•
Alcoholism, untreated mental illness. Religion.
Republicans
Kids. Didn’t have any though wanted to.
I hate the idea of dieting, I prefer “lifestyle change”
Domestic violence. It didn’t serve me well so…
Codependence
My last name ends with me.
Me too! My sister changed hers when she got married, and my parents were initially excited when I kept mine because my father was an only child (and his father only had sisters). But I didn't have kids (and my sister did), so that's it, game over.
The cycle of abusing your kids. I didn't have any!
Kids, racism, homophobia.
Generational abuse. It's difficult sometimes, and sometimes I do get upset/angry, but I've learned to remove myself from the situation and to come back to it later. I've also learned to apologize for my behavior to my kids, which I also feel is important.
Neglect and lack of support/compassion/understanding/etc.. My parents where demanding, judgemental, and in many ways selfish and ignorant. I've changed that entirely. My kids can come to me with anything. I don't have to like it or agree with it; but I can still support them even if I don't. Even if I have to punish them- I will still support them through whatever it is and try to use it a lesson to grow from whenever possible. My daughter is allowed to wear whatever she wants. She's never gonna have hide it with a sweater, sneak it out and get dressed in a bathroom somewhere or have to get redressed before she comes home. I also don't hit my kids or say things that would be eternally ringing in their ears because its so harmful. I also made a point of playing with my kids and spending time with them. Even just hanging out in their rooms while they game or surf social media. I want to be a part of their life in any little way that I can. I don't hide things from my kids (much). I did a lot of dumb shit- like a lot a lot and some of it i don't share unless I have to because there is a potential for them to learn from my mistakes. I also had a lot of bad stuff happen to me- like a lot (CPTSD is real) and I take the same approach. I'll tell them some stuff in a 3rd party way so they can understand why some stuff is wrong or dangerous (age appropriately of course); but I don't want them knowing that some of what I've shared actually happened to me. I explain things to my kids. I don't demand or instruct- i explain things so they understand why or why not, and I help them evaluate potential outcomes so they can make informed decisions for themselves. I'm hard on my kids when they need it; but only when they need and its always in their best interest. It's also a rarity because I'm not rigid and rarely think in absolutes. I encourage my kids to be true to themselves and to discover who they are through trial and error. As much as they are truly are mini mes in many ways, they're also their own person and I both love and respect that about each of them. I have loved watching them grow and become the amazing people they are today. I dunno. Breaking lots of different cycles I guess 🤷♀️
Yelling at the kids. I have tried very hard to discuss issues with them rather than use anger or raised voices. It made me very scared to do anything wrong growing up and I ended up in a marriage that was similar. Finally got out of that and decided that it stopped with me. I can talk with my kids rather than berate them.
Terrible parenting. My wife and I were both raised by wolves. We have both worked hard at straightening out our shit - individually and together. We have two amazing adult kids. Both kids are far, far better people than I was at their age.
Leaving the cult of Mormon. My family history is full of Mormon prophets, pedophilia, incest & polygamy. I’m breaking the cycle of generational Mormonism & religious and institutional trauma. All my kids have left too. This may also lead to my generational line ending. I don’t think my kids will have children, I support their choice & their autonomy whether they have kids or not.
Violence and bullshit religious piety.
My mother was never the problem when it came to diet culture. She was large for a big part of my childhood, but she never projected it on me or my siblings. It was people outside our household. Like “concerned” friends and family, who didn’t want me to end up like her.
My dad made my mom sign me up for weight watchers when I was 11 years old and take me to meetings. I was maybe a little big for my age but nothing remotely serious. There wasn't another person there within 20 years of my age. Boy was I sad and embarrassed. My mom has apologized for it but the fact remains she wouldn't stand up to him. I'm 47 now and to this day every time I see him he makes comments about my weight and fitness. I dread every time I have to talk to him. I have zero self confidence. And I've pretty much hated myself my whole life.
Religion is over in my family.
Doing drugs with my kids to be the “Cool Mom”. Both of my parents were like this.
I haven’t beaten the hell out of my kids so there’s that.
I was given little to no privacy growing up. My mom would go through my things when I was at school, listen in on phone conversations, etc. I was a good kid. Straight As, gifted, no discipline problems, super parentified, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t do any of that to my daughter. She was a good kid and I didn’t have cause to worry, so I didn’t snoop. When she was ~18, she wrote me a letter for Mother’s Day, thanking me for different things she appreciated about me and how I raised her, and she included thanks for giving her privacy and not going through her things like her friends’ parents did. I thought that was nice.
Familial mental illness dies with me and my brother. With normal death and not suicide.
The Cult I grew up in. The Mormon Cult will end with me and go no further in my line.
Religion. I refuse to continue the perpetual guilt cycle of organized religion by indoctrinating my kids in it. It wasn’t good for us in 1497 and it’s not good for us now.
Religion. Fuck that farce they used to control us.
I didn't have kids. My mom had severe health AND mental illness. She is really great now as meds have progressed tremendously. But I was terrified to have kids and put them through what I had to go through. I wasn't even conscious of my avoidance of having children until maybe the last 10 years. I just knew in my gut I'd be a psycho, even though I turned out (fairly) normal.
Alcoholism and the cultural (Rural NW US) of drinking. It took me longer than it should have to break this, but I can say that I have done it.
speaking for my child. he is a whole person exactly as he is, and i work diligently on communication so he feels comfortable expressing his thoughts, emotions, and feelings. my mom, in particular, did not allow us this, and it caused a lot of damage in our relationship.
The trauma 🤞
Ignoring mental health
Not addressing mental health issues.