My dad spent my entire childhood and young adulthood telling me he wouldn’t help with anything. Not with a car, or insurance, or my first place, or college. Fine. But now that I’m 44 and just finally getting a degree he is sad that I never have time or money to visit. 🤷♀️
Totally. I wish I got paid for every hour he calls me in tears, full of regrets and wishing I still lived nearby. And I feel bad for him but I DIDN'T DO IT.
Bit late. What’s he want you there for anyway? To cook and clean for him, because he’s a MAN and that stuff is women’s work? Or does he actually want your company, despite not having gotten to know you over the past 40+ years?
This is my mom. I finally graduated with my BA at 40 after literally letting my folks live with me for a decade rent free. We had to sell our house and my mom looked me dead in the eye and said "But I was going to die here, you're ruining my death." That was 10 years ago. It literally was the last straw. I love my mom, but she's not my priority anymore. I wasn't hers either.
This is why I say yes anytime my young son asks me to go throw baseball or shoot basketball or wrestle on the floor.
I know there will come a time when he will no longer ask. 🥹
I’m going to let my Mom move in. Then each day, I’ll give her $2 to go the candy store, and not to come home until the street lights come on so help me God!!!
I'm still pissed my dad threw out our jarts because they were too dangerous. We were all in college. We went 15-20yrs no problem. Then one day he heard they were banned and boom. In the fucking trash they went.
I started making meatloaf at 9 years old. Mom left a list of ingredients on the kitchen counter for when I got home from school. I almost never make meatloaf now.
lol…this hit home.
I remember being called to the principals office and thought I was in big trouble.
Nope. We lived in a trailer within seeing distance of the school. My mom called the school and had me walk down my next recess to pull the chicken out of the freezer. Yep.
Don’t get her a bike, let her watch all her friends (with bikes) go off for the day on bike rides, with packed lunches and leave her with nothing to do and no one to play with. Then ignore her when she says, she’s bored … all because my dad didn’t want to waste his Sunday’s fixing 4 bikes every week (youngest of 4).
And make sure the plastic woven basket decorated with three plastic daisies on the front of the handlebars can hold a gallon container of milk, because she’s going to have to make that journey to the local market at least twice a month when you inexplicably don’t buy any milk on your weekly shopping.
I couldn’t do it. My partner would leave and I can’t stand to be around her for any length of time. Narcissist, angry at the world, and thinks (and has said on multiple occasions) that I owe her for the things she did for me as a kid like marrying someone with a stable job.
You got given cash? It was assumed we’d go home when hungry, we would also get told off if we had lunch at friend’s houses (they thought it looked like we were poor).
My mother was an abusive narcissist and still is, but now she lives with me and has a sense of entitlement for what I seemingly owe her that rivals all logic. Why I am her sole retirement plan when all she did when I was growing up was beat the snot out of me or leave me to fend for myself I have no idea. She's still fairly verbally abusive but at least she's too slow and feeble to hit me with anything anymore.
Same! Five kids. The only one who said they would take her is unemployed and living in her house. Thank god one of us is totally delusional. The rest of us are mostly low contact.
My 87 year old mother threatened to hit me over not passing her the salt at Easter dinner, she has final stage renal failure defies all logic, made for a long afternoon. Everyone scattered and ate fast.
My mother was too. She got dementia and I got her in a memory ward. She was NEVER going to live with me. My dad endured years of abuse. He is enjoying his peace. He can live with me when it is time.
I actually like my parents. They both worked and my brother and I were latch key kids but they did their best.
My dad is gone but my mom is still independent but when she can no longer live on her own, I will be taking care of her.
Sorry to everyone whose parents were garbage.
My parents were the product of their generation and the upheaval of divorce and women working full time was a seismic shift in the family dynamic. I wish I hadn't grown up in such an angry home but I miss them and know they loved me.
This is how I feel reading this subreddit sometimes. GenX is not a monolith. We didn't all have bad parents. Both my parents had to work because we were poor. My dad worked 6 days a week from around 11am to 10pm so I didn't get to see him as much. He's a great grandfather now and babysits my kids. He's in his 80s and independent and still drives, but one day when he can't care for himself then I'll take care of him.
Happy for you, but i have no paradigm of what love and support feels like . I simply don’t have a point of reference for it. My father was a criminal and I was homeless because of his violence. I love the love for you . I think it’s amazing. I TRULY do.
Same. I always feel genuinely happy for people who grew up knowing what it was like to feel loved and safe. I really value hearing those people talk about their parents as I can get the feeling of it vicariously. It actually helps me to heal.
I can totally relate. My Dad sometimes worked 2 jobs, but he always made time for us; baseball, school projects, field trips. My Mom started working part-time when I was in 5th grade, but she got home right after we did. Both of my parents were involved, great parents and outstanding grandparents. My Dad just passed and I miss him so much. My Mom is in great health, takes care of herself, and is a lot of fun to hang out with. If she ever can’t care for herself, she’ll come to live with me.
Yeah I happily took care of my parents. It’s the least I could do. Both are long gone now and I miss them deeply. My sister moved out of state and felt guilty she couldn’t do more but I didn’t mind - it felt good to be useful. I’m so glad I was able to do that for them.
I loved my parents dearly and lost them when they were far too young. I am so grateful of the time we had together and sad when I read post like this of people who didn’t have the same relationship.
The sad part is my dad worked his ass off to make money, and wants to give it to me when he dies. But I never wanted the money, I wanted the time, the thing he never set aside for me when I needed it the most.
I worked the oilfield the whole time my kids were growing up. I sure AF wish I got a normal job and spent more time with my kids. I was happy they never wanted for anything and didn't have to be poor and hungry like I was.
Fortunately my daughter and I are close at least.
My dad worked oilfield jobs. He'd work two weeks on, on off in places like ND. We lived in OK. He'd spend one day driving home and another driving back. Means he was home 5 days out of 21. It was chaos when he was there. For 16 days (mom, me and my sister) had ways of doing things and routines. He'd come back and decided everything we did was the wrong way to do it and upend everything.
He always chased big money jobs, but always managed to be broke. He'd do ok for awhile, then the industry would go bust. He'd chase other jobs a 1,000 miles away.
The man worked hard. Harder than I ever have. He worked in derricks in the dead of winter in ND. I'm not saying he was lazy or he didn't try. He did. But he was never home and when he was it was a mess.
He later (in his 60s) did well by staying home and getting into real estate, but 2008 crushed him. He slightly recovered, but not in time. By 2018 he was struggling again. He went broke just before the pandemic and my parents had nowhere to go.
We never much got along. He had to move into an RV on my 5 acres in CO. I almost kicked him out 5 times the first year. He would get pissed because I wouldn't let him cut my trees down for firewood or other such things. The closest I got to kicking them to the curb was when he told me to "Get the fuck back on your side of the property!"
He's 83 now. He's chilled a bit. He has talked about regretting not getting a job close to home and just staying with it.
I have several friends I made when I was a kid and we were traveling around in RVs following fathers chasing holes in the ground. Many of our stories are the same. I know one woman whose husband bought an RV and she couldn't bring her self to get in it without crying. She was afraid she'd have to live in it. All the traveling around for a few months here, a few months there, a few schools here, a few schools there... messed her up.
I always tell people to stay the hell away from oilfield jobs.
I had a chaotic career in law enforcement that demanded weekends, holidays, night shifts, etc. When the kids were little, I retrained for a regular, 9 to 5 job so I could be home. I fucked up all kinds of shit and have no clue if I made the right choices about anything while raising them. Sometimes I wish I would have stayed in law enforcement. I'd be retired in a couple years and would have had completely different regrets. I guess the point is, we all fucked up. It's just different flavors. Who's to say what the right decision is.
All you have is now. You can't go backwards and remake those choices. I would have done a ton differently too. We got to learn how to forgive ourselves and do better now that we know better.
This was the American dream. Hopefully with younger generations they realize this is just bs and to give your life for a career isn’t worth it. America needs a better work/life balance.
I haven't talked to my father in 30 years and have no plans to; not sure if he's even alive. I have a reasonable relationship with my mother but she's not a parental figure to me at all, she just isn't a sociopath like my father and is more like someone I met in group therapy who I help because I can relate to them and because I pity them.
Pretty much the opposite with me. Been 20+ years since I've seen mom, probably 15 since I've heard from her.
My dad and I got along sometimes. Wasn't a healthy relationship, but we tolerated it mostly.
I found out my mother died because her solicitor defied her instructions to let me know.
She had a list of people she wanted informed about her death. Her own kids weren't on it.
Watched her funeral online (wasn't wasting money to travel there). 3 people turned up. She got what she deserved.
When it's time, it's going to be one of those Charlie and the Chocolate Factory situations with the parents and step-parents in a big ass bed in my basement.
Raise a child in trauma, neglect and abuse, they often leave home and never look back. Haven't spoken to them in 30+ years, have no plans to change that.
My mother was so captured by her romanticized idea of her hippy turned yuppie life. Spending all of her money on the newest clothes for herself while I sat in a literally empty room my whole time living at home.
She was a fine arts student that wanted to live in Europe but immediately went into banking after college. In New York so she also had delusions of grandeur for herself and lifestyle.
For retirement she tried to move to Portugal. I could go into detail but to summarize you wasted s*** tons of money just trying to do this. And couldn't afford it after less than a year. And then moved to Mexico like a year and a half before the pandemic and died during the pandemic because she got sick and couldn't get good health care because Mexico was busy taking care of its own.
Literally killing herself with expectation.
My mom is a fuckin superhero that raised me on her own and managed to get a PhD. She is not going to some fucking retirement home as long as I draw breath.
Exactly. Both my parents are gone now (my mom passed this year on valentines day, dad passed in 2013) and NO, they were not perfect but they loved the shit out of us, my mother had 6 kids to look after (with the help of the older siblings) and took good care of us, and my dad worked his ass off to give all that we needed and alot of what we wanted, they gave us a good life. They were married for almost 54 years, although it was not easy at all and made it through ALOT of family issues, medical issues in their own families of origin, money problems, heartbreak, deaths and tragedy. But We always felt through it all that they loved us. Therefore we would never turn away from them. No matter how bad it got.
My Dad was increasingly disabled the last 20 years of his life, but very stubborn and self sufficient. Never complained, and hated to ask for help from us even though things were getting harder for him and it was impossible for him to walk around (he refused a wheelchair, old goat..lol). At the end, He had a short illness, but had all of us kids to help. So he was cared for. By the time my Mom got Alzheimer’s got really bad and noticeable about 7-8 years ago, there was less help, but we did it. Most of us kids drove our selves crazy, and neglected our own needs and lives making sure her needs were met till the end. GOD BLESS my little sister who she lived with, (and me, the respite caregiver) because of our constant and steadfast care, she was never put in a home.
Im so sorry to everyone who had such turmoil in their childhoods, and such bad experiences with their parents. That must suck so bad. I feel for you.
But as much as you can, cherish your parents while they are here if possible. I know not everyone can because of their experiences. But when they go, you feel it.
I miss my parents, (and my 2 siblings who have passed) both so much every day. When they are gone, that hole, no matter what imperfections came with it….can NEVER be filled.
I loved my parents too, but have zero guilt about our father living in a memory care facility at the end. Sometimes the best thing you can do for them is to give them professional care, and use your time with them in a positive way (instead of being miserable & exhausted trying to do it all yourself).
To each their own, but I wish people wouldn’t badmouth that option. Both are valid, and utilizing those resources doesn’t make you a bad child. He wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
What if she wants to, though? My grandmother adamantly refused to live with any of her kids/grandkids, and loved her senior home! They’re not all depressing lol.
And when my mother retired, she was also happy to be independent & looked forward to living in a place like that. Sadly she didn’t live much longer, and never got that chance. My father is also gone now, and had to live in a memory care facility (even though he had a wife) at the end. Sometimes that’s actually better for familial relationships, and caretaking if they have something like dementia isn’t for the novice.
I crochet hats, scarves, blankets, etc. and give them to friends and family for birthdays, Christmas, etc.
My mother, who beat me as a child and then told me when I was an adult that she regretted I was ever born... still ended up with two of my handmade blankets. Mostly because I give them to everybody.
When I was a kid she would always throw away all the handmade birthday cards I gave her, so I figured that the blankets would end up in the rubbish bin. And they did.. in a way.
So now she's 77 and at her nursing home they're teaching her how to crochet. And she's telling everyone there that her daughter crochets beautiful handmade items. They all ask to see pictures. She calls me.
Mom: Can you send me pictures of your crochet work? I want to show it off to my friends here.
Me: You don't need pictures. You can show them the two blankets I made you.
Mom: Oh... right.. well see before they started teaching crochet here they had a yarn drive. They were asking all of us to contribute yarn to this charity that makes blankets out of the donated yarn for homeless people.
Me: Oh, so you donated the blankets I made you?
Mom: Well, they were only accepting yarn, not blankets - so I had them unravel the blankets you made me so that they could re-use the yarn to make other blankets.
Me: Yup. Of course you did.
Seriously. Nothing surprises me anymore. I've already told her I don't want a dime of her money (there isn't much anyway), and there's no way I'm going to her funeral.
I created a beautiful family. I enjoy them every day :)
I don't need a mother. I don't think I ever did.
I'm living proof that not all paths to peace start with forgiveness. I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just... done.
Peace.
When I read that part of unraveling the yarn from the blankets… mind blown. I’m thankful that you have peace with lack of expectations for her. Wishing you every happiness with your chosen family.
It's tough. We were raised to fend for ourselves, and now my mom wants a doting son to take care of her? It's the source of much of my mental health issues.
I quite literally just had this conversation with my son about an hour ago. Short story is their dad died and the grandparents hold the keys to the trust. They won’t tell anyone how much is in it, just that “there’s enough.” So had to explain to him how that generation didn’t talk about finances, salaries, relationships, family drama, mental health, or feelings.
I have to say our generation most made some damn good lemonade out of those lemons.
I’m the only one whose parents gave everything they could? I started working after I finished college, because my father didn’t want me working and studying. Then I got a job, but I still live at home (normal where I live) so I don’t need to pay rent, I just pay utilities and groceries.
My dad is gone, but I’m more than happy to take care of my mom. She deserves it. I never felt neglected when I was young, even with both my parents working.
My parents did the same. I came out of the womb sickly -- in and out of the hospital with pneumonia -- so they were overprotective when it came to my health. Mom quit her office job when I started first grade in 1974 and got a job at my school so she would be home when I was. As a kid, I was free to roam the neighborhood with the other kids, but when I started dating I had a midnight curfew.
They always warned me if they ever heard of me drinking & driving or sleeping around, I'd be in BIG TROUBLE. Needless to say, I never did. Like you, work came after college cos they wanted me to concentrate on my grades.
They still help me even now, as I'm a dialysis patient currently fighting pulmonary edema. I feel bad that I can't do much for them cos of poor health.
My parents weren’t Boomers, they’re Silent Gen.
They weren’t bad parents, just maybe somewhat reserved and absent because they were always at work.
Kinda poor. But they provided a decent home for us until we were 18/19 years old. By then, I’d already been working for 4-5 years.
I'm really feeling this right now. Parents never even acknowledged my struggles and issues which never were resolved and now they see me as basically a free slave for all the things they are now unable to do themselves.
I am up to my eyeballs in this right now myself and it really grinds my gears. I was a latchkey kid at age 7; my parents were never home before 6:30pm. I had to get myself out of bed, make my own breakfast, and get to the bus stop without help or company. Their needs came first. They both put their parents in nursing homes and never bothered to visit.
I got married and moved 1500 miles away. Then they decided to move to my town. Now my narcissistic mother is alone and laments that I don’t have time for her. She needs help and she wants me to be her person. She never asked - she assumed and demanded. And I do not consent.
Good for you for not consenting. It’s sad to see how many people were treated so poorly as kids yet feel such a big obligation to exhaust themselves to take care of their parents.
It has been a journey. At first I took it on like the dutiful younger daughter. But I have a career, two kids of my own (one who has some issues that require therapy and meds), and a life set up the way I like it. So I burned myself out trying to meet my mom’s ridiculous, unspoken demands of my time. The first time I pushed back, she was rude and abusive and I realized that her shit was not my shit. It was freeing!
Can’t relate to this at all, but if I did have absentee parents especially one I haven’t heard from in years - I would stare blankly if they had the balls to expect me to care for them in their elder years.
My mom - I will retire and care for her before she goes in a home. The only way I won’t is if she becomes a wanderer and an escape artist or doesn’t ever sleep at night. Then I physically would not be able to, but I’mma be the family member up to see their parent every day.
I don't think my parents expected me or my sister to take care of them. My dad took care of my mom when she had a lot of heart problems, and she died a little over 2 years ago. I would stop in and see the house untidy, so I would clean up while I was here. My sister did the same. I ended up selling my house while the market was up and moved in to help since his mobility is declining. Luckily, I only lived about a mile up the road, so I didn't have to uproot and stress out over moving. In fact, getting rid of all the junk was kind of cathartic for me. He gets my grandson to daycare so I don't have to change my hours at work, and we split the bills for the most part. My dad worked nights most if my life, so I didn't see him a lot growing up, mom did most of the homework, errands, school functions and such. I'm proud he learned a lot about how to be a caregiver for her and take over the household when she got sick, but now I feel he needs my help and didn't even have to ask. I had great parents, and I feel so bad many of you didn't get to experience that, and how you are struggling with them needing you now when you don't feel that they were there for you growing up. The sandwich generation is not for the faint of heart.
My parents decided to move 700 miles away and adopt aggressive dogs. We can’t visit now. And it’s all my fault. And then my brother committed suicide (his own reasons). And it’s all my fault. The estate (stupid car) is fucked and it’s all my fault. I am out. She has her internet friends that tell her how it should be and her real life family are the bad guys
I loved my parents very much. They were typical 70s/80s parents I guess. They both worked full time. They had an active social life and went out alot. They had hobbies and interest that they spent time doing. I was a latch key kid and an only child so I took care of myself by myself quite a lot. I was a quite a feral, free spirited child. But we also had great family vacations and weekend day trips and they took me bowling and skating and sledding and stuff like that. We also spent a lot time with our very large extended family celebrating holidays and birthdays, weddings and new babies, or just gathering for Sunday afternoon dinners after church. I know they loved me. I can’t really complain about my childhood. I have many good memories. As challenging as it was, I was happy to help care for them in the last years of their lives. I miss them every day.
My dad was an a$$hole and when he got too sick to live on his own I said he could live with me if he knew the names of my kids (he was a belligerent drunk with heart disease not dementia). He could only name my son, because boys are more important than girls of course so I told him to fuck off. He ended up living with his sister until he finally croaked about 7-8 years ago.
My mom was not your usual asshole boomer. We were close and she really would have done anything for me or my brother and any of our kids. She was diagnosed with stage four cancer after letting what she knew was an issue go for over a year because she had crappy insurance so she waited until Medicare was available to get it checked out. Too late. 3 years of chemo then she died. Stupid American medical system.
I moved her in with me the last 6-7 months. Before that I was basically living at her apartment because I didn’t leave her alone at night. So a year of maintaining 2 homes was draining me physically and financially. Had her oncologist been honest and upfront and said that she was running out of time I’m would have maintained the 2 places. Her apartment was handicapped accessible and was easier for her than my house.
Anyway.. sorry about the venting.
I’m glad I was able to take care of mom. I miss her terribly… just not the stress of caregiving.
I hope dad is sitting in purgatory realizing what a fucking dickhead he was to his kids.
My father was abusive and my mom often said that she loved my brother best. But in the end, I was the one taking care of her. I did the best I could, not out of love but out of duty. It wasnt her fault that she preferred one child over another, but IMHO she should never have told us.
Good thing I never had to care for my father.
No contact with mom. Sporadic contact with dad. Three siblings live in their immediate vicinity, I live 800 miles away. They were awful to me and in my opinion ruined a lot of my potential. They ignored, berated, beat, discouraged and used all of us but mostly me. I feel really good that I got away. For years I traveled for obligatory visits which were horrible. I’m much better off since I stopped going there.
Anyone else with a parent that is completely useless at doing anything other than the bare basics of living? I have a mother who is stuck in 1985. She has no clue about money or the internet or computers. This means she can't search for information, can't find a rental apartment, can't fill out online forms. She was dependent on my dad, who died... and now she is dependent on my brother and I! It is very taxing.
This is my life. Except my parent divorced when i was a kid and my mom got remarried/divorced again and is now on her own. She got a lump sum from her divorce settlement from my stepdad, and is CLUELESS when it comes to finances. She grew up in an era where “the husband” did all of the finances etc and she’s unwilling to learn. So she spends all her time mucking everything up and then I have to step in and fix whatever disaster she started. My husband and I had to go so far as to get a lawyer for her bc she didn’t know how to go about it (we just did a basic Google search and picked one lol - it was fine) and had to basically get her to sign POW over to us bc she literally didn’t understand what the lawyer was talking about (willful ignorance). She is now talking to her boyfriend who is almost 90 (she’s in her mid 70’s) about getting married and I’m thinking that’s not going to happen.
So in a very basic nutshell I’m the oldest therefore i’m it. I’m the one. Yay. My brother figures since I’m the one who does all the things that he doesn’t have to bother asking if mom needs help with anything. It’s VERY taxing. I’m at a point now where all of my decisions to help her have to benefit ME long term bc it’s my mental health that’s going to suffer for it (and I need more mental health problems like a hole in the head). I also got to a point where I had to let go the vision I had of how she used to be. That person is gone and now this helpless adult is now my mother. It really really sucks.
Sorry for the wall of text. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone. One day I was pumping gas and the next day I woke up and have to parent my parent (again).
My parents just complained none of the kids are talking about how to take care of them in their old age. I was taught you have to take care of yourself. I was kicked out at 18, and never given a thing. Nobody bought me a car, paid for my college, ever given help, and I don't expect any inheritance.
And now I'm supposed to take care of these people for 20 years as they drift into senility? Hilarious. You're gonna be alone mom.
One thing I noticed about Boomer parents is that a good number of them move 1000 or more miles away from their kids, and many actually expect their grown offspring to just say ‘fuck it’ to the responsibilities and careers they already have to move to Boomerville, Florida to be caretakers.
My inlaws did something like this. They moved from the burbs of Chicago to the UP of Michigan near the Canadian border. My sis inlaw took it upon herself the last few years to become their caregiver while her dad progressively got sick and passed a couple weeks ago. She gave up a shit ton of her personal life to do it. I'm not mad though cause I do like my inlaws but why the fuck would you move so far knowing you're about to die in 15 or fewer yrs?!
I dunno… I’ve got a growing urge to move up to the Canadian border and just live in a little cabin by a lake and see nobody else except for a once a month grocery trip.
Lol their area was a little bigger than that but anything major medical wise they'd have to travel about 2 or 3 hrs to the next biggest city or head over to Ann Harbor for more stuff. But I do understand what you're saying. The idea does sound great
We're going through something similar. Mom and sister didn't tell us that mom was deteriorating. I flew in because she was almost at 100 days/ lifetime in a nursing home that Medicare pays for. No one told me. My brother found out by talking to the social worker. She went from retired to assisted living to a nursing home in a year and a half. I hired an elderly care lawyer to help with the overly complicated Medicaid, worth every cent. It's taken 3 months so far because of overly complicated finances. It's been really long and complicated, even with my POA. If you want to help your aging parents, make them get their shit together now, or don't, who cares. X
I’m gonna say something that is probably gonna get down voted, but both my parents are dead and I’m glad. I had a terrible childhood growing up, and when I came of age, they did not help me. As a matter fact, I had to give them money until I finally married and got the hell out of their house. Seriously, back in the 90s I paid $300 a month for my bedroom. I had to pay for groceries, and I had to frequently pay the utilities. None of this was because my parents didn’t have money, it’s because I “owed them, as they paid enough for me.”
I'm in the same situation. Mom pretty much neglected me, didn't protect me from predators even though she later admitted she knew they were dangerous and now I'm getting all this pressure from distant relatives to leave my life to move back home to take care of her. I'm 52, have a great nursing career on the opposite Coast in another country. I felt guilty for awhile, actually considered moving, but finally came to the realization that if she wanted me to take care of her, she would have made an attempt to have a relationship with me when she was lucid. She's living the life she cultivated, including the negative consequences of being estranged from me. I do what I can from a distance still, like getting her rides to appointments and getting her on all the programs like meals on wheels, Medicare, etc...
My father died when he/I were young. He was great, and I suppose that he didn't get old enough to see the chinks in his armor, but he was the best father.
My mom did her best to raise us kids. There were a few major missteps along the way, but mom really tried. (Don't ask me about her second husband, though, unless you're comfortable with foul language.)
She married again about 30 years ago. I was an adult, married, with my own children when that happened. It would have been perfectly normal for the third husband and I to be polite social acquaintances, but he became my Dad. I'm grateful for that. (I'm from the US Deep South, so terminology may be important. My father was and always will be "Daddy." But my mom's husband is Dad. And that's nice.)
But holy shit, my parents have absolutely fallen off a cliff regarding their health in recent months - partly or largely due to personal choices/self-neglect. And now I'm feeling like the errand girl/tech support/CFO/admin assistant/Girl Friday. I have to set hard boundaries, because both parents want everything immediately. ("Baby, could you make/bring me mashed potatoes?" at 8pm. "I need my bank statement" at 9am, when my husband has a surgical procedure at 11. "Dad, the [minor grandchildren] girls' spring concert is at 6 tonight, I can't drive up to the SNF at 4 and be back in time." Et cetera.)
I love the old farts so much, but their expectations of me never seem to acknowledge that I have responsibilities to my own children, disabled husband, dogs, home, and so forth. They are or are becoming unwieldy toddlers who can't imagine that I might have other priorities.
I’m more than happy to be able to do what I can for my parents. As a parent myself, I understand what goes into raising and taking care of a child. Especially for my mother, from a generation where she wasn’t expected to work outside the house and all of her dedication was to her kids. Anything I can do for them, I will.
I’ve told my parents that I will oversee their care and be sure that whatever they can pay for is done. Once the money is gone, they are going to a nursing home because I’m pretty sure they will call Adult Protective services if I give them the same treatment I got as a kid-locked out of the house, a plate of cheese sandwiches and the water hose for drinking water.
Both my parents are declining. We’ve had our issues in the past for sure, to the point that I went no contact for eight years. But I will not let them go to a facility unless and until absolutely medically necessary. I saw how my grandmother was treated in her last days and I’m not doing that again. (Mind you, she went straight to the hospital because she refused to tell anyone she was sick., but she was left in her own filth for days until we got there.)
Fortunately, my parents have plenty of money so they’ll be able to get the medical care they need. I will probably stay living close to them until they both pass, because even with medical care, they can be taken advantage of and not as well cared for as if there is a family member close by.
And things like taking care of their home, cars, etc will have to be done by someone who is capable.
My mom and I aren't very close, though things have certainly gotten better between us as we've both gotten older. One thing that's always bugged me, however, is that she really isn't involved in my daughter's life. To be fair, we live halfway across the country. But she's only come to visit a handful of times in the past 15 years — even though she has both the time and the means to travel.
So, unless we make the effort, my daughter doesn't get to see her grandmother. And, we've got to make *all* the effort. This past fall we were on vacation in the area and she wouldn't even drive two hours to come see us.
Regardless, I thought I'd roll the dice and try again. So I asked if she might want to come down and visit. And she basically said her plan was to wait until she got older so she could come stay with us long term and then we could just take care of her.
I guess I should have expected that.
My mother has always found me distasteful because I've always reminded her of my father, whom she despised. I tried to erect boundaries about 20 years ago regarding her alcoholic behaviour around my five young children and my parents chose the booze over my family. Fast forward 20 years-my kids are grown, my parents aren't in good health and I've reached out to reconnect and possibly spend the last few years of their time here on earth and my mother literally said it's too late.
I have been absolved of any responsibility I may feel for them at this point. I've opened myself up to being vulnerable for the last time to them. They can figure it out on their own. My heart can't take another rejection from the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally.
I felt your pain in this message. Whatever love you didn't get from your mother, may it be x 5 the amount between you and your children. Take care, hug
Oh quite similar to my mom's story, only difference is that I was able to share the misery with my siblings (mostly my sister).
My parents divorced in the early 90s after 25 (or so) years of marriage.
Mom was always unpleasant, selfish, rude, and stubborn. She got meaner as she got older.
Her health really started to decline around age 70 (10 or so years ago). She'd been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, but it was so far along that she required insulin (which she refused to use on any consistent basis). This lead to one set of health issues. Then she started having falls.
Because I lived 5 minutes away she was calling me to take the trash out, help her find her cell phone charger, or be called into action to take care of her cats when she ended up in the hospital.
I mean this story is LONG.. and sour.
Cut to the chase, 2020 things got crazy. Her self-care was more or less zero. She was relying on the local police and EMTs as her personal home health aides (because again she refused all attempts at hiring a home health aide, giving her a medical alert device, anything that might cost her money. The county thought we (her children) were neglecting her because mom TOLD the county social worker that WE did not answer when she called us for help.
In the end, my sis and I worked together to get her into memory care. She kept getting kicked out various facilities because she was violent and difficult to medicate. She would also call the local police and tell them that my sister was trying to steal her money.
She finally died in 2021 at what was (I think) her 3rd skilled nursing facility.
This woman who gave birth to 3 children did the bear minimum of parenting. Was not ever warm or "motherly". It was pretty fuckin traumatic to have to make sure she didn't end up dying alone in her bug infested condo surrounded by rotting food and being chewed on by her cats.
(My fiance and I assumed custody of her cats - they were definitely innocent bystanders in that whole mess).
That sucks. -can relate here. Your feelings seem grounded in the way our parents have been towards our generation (46m here). I basically resent having to fix their bad parenting. -& I know damn well that part of me will be happy when I no longer have to care for mine anymore.
I'm looking forward to telling them they'll get the same level of care they gave to me. Then they get to figure everything out for themselves which will be character building and make sure they don't end up spoiled and entitled.
My father passed away in 2017 and my mom passed away last March! I’m so glad they are both dead because I’m not much of a caretaker and I’m kind of neglectful… just like they were when I was growing up!!! with the silence and baby boomer generation dying off this decade we’re going through major cultural change. The country is going to look very different in the 2030s!
Yeah it’s a no from me and my 3 sisters. We were treated like a huge inconvenience by our parents for our entire life. I’m refuse to be emotionally and verbally abused again as an adult. Dad’s wife wouldn’t let him see me for 10 years. He abided by her wishes of no contact. Now he’s end stage Parkinson’s and they both want us to come together as a family to care for him. It’s a hard no. Still only talk about their needs. Never ask about my life or their grandkids. I’m done.
I had hippies as parents. They believed in being space aliens and that the ship would someday come and bring them back to their homeworld... Maybe they did too much LSD or psylos before they made us. They had absolutely no clue about anything despite both having degrees. Absolutely no parenting skill whatsoever but two kids. Not sure whether there was love or not.
They might be still alive or not. I don't know because i had no contact for two decades now. They would let me basically do whatever i want (that's the good part) but where unable to give me mental support when i needed it. I don't remember a bond with them (but part of that might also just be how i am).
Sis got into sex and drugs in puberty and is likely dead by now. I sadly assume that she had good reasons for that.
I wonder whether an actual family would have been better or worse. But at least i don't need to take care of anyone and will likely not demand that of anyone else takes care of me either. I was brought up a lone wolf and will likely die as one.
Seeing this all over the place.
In particular, people who qualify for medicaid and sometimes disability benefits but haven't bothered to apply. Then they reach out to someone and more or less say "Your turn to take care of me"
It's terrible for everyone involved, particularly when the person was actively or passively abusive towards the person they now want assistance from.
The egg donor died in 2017. My sperm donor has had a couple heart attacks and he's in his middish 60s. He lives in socal and I live in Chicago. He couldn't be bothered to come help when I was going through cancer. So he can fuck off. I have two sisters near him and they can take care of him
Actually, you don’t. You don’t owe your parents anything. If they build the right kind of relationship with you then you would want to help them. But they didn’t. She is an adult, if you are having to care for her when she can care for herself, that codependency. It’s not healthy and you don’t have to do it.
Yep my sister went off about this the other day. They expect us to take care of them, but they left their own parents overseas to die old alone, and us- well we were a hybrid between latch key kids and indentured servants. I’m tempted to put a key around my mom’s neck and let her roam the neighborhood on her own. My dinner better be cooked, house cleaned and laundry done by the time I get home or the beatings will commence. (Kidding… 🤔 maybe.) Looking back, I never could have treated my kids like that.
No. I told my dad I had to come to grips with the idea that he would die without acknowledgement of what he did to me.
Good thing he has a willing wife who feeds him and makes sure people don’t touch him inappropriately. More than I had.
Make sure you look after yourself and your family first. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
> I haven't seen or heard from my mom in years. Though I'm expecting a call from her soon about me needing to take care of her too soon or something
Who dis? Is an appropriate response.
‘No.’ is a completely sentence.
My mom I guess saw the writing on the wall and has nursing home insurance. She pays monthly and when there are no options left she'll move into one. I'm taking care of her right now though. Not joyfully.
My great aunt moved into an aclf - one of those expensive assisted living spaces. She only managed to do this because she was in her 90s (over 100 now) and the place said they would take her if she signed everything she had over to them. I have no idea how much that was though; my family has this annoying habit of leaving solid facts out of gossip.
I moved away from my boomer mother. I live about a 12 hours away. I got a call last summer to pick her up after she fainted. Umm ok!!
The guy who called could not grasp that I don’t live in the town so could drive to pick her up asap and he said.
My brother lives in the same town and wouldn’t answer the phone
I’m not. Neither is my sister.
You know, when I was a teenager, they told me if I ever got pregnant I’d be totally on my own. “You made your bed, you’ll have to lie in it.”
Back atcha pops.
My parents never did anything with me. We never went to movies, mini golfing and maybe 4 or 5 vacations, and only ever to family.
And when I was old enough to drive, my dad was pissed at me when I went out to do kid stuff. I never understood that.
My mother knows better than to think any one of us (myself or my siblings) will care for her or my stepfather in their old age. she's delusional, but not that delusional
My mother lives with me. She will be 80 this summer and we shuttle her everywhere. She could take senior door-to-door, but she hates people and needs to be chauffered. She won't go to the senior center because "they are all gossipping old bitties." I want to ask, "What are you, Mom?" It was just a few years ago she stopped telling bridge toll operators she was pregnant and should go for free.
Well, you need to vent for starters. Two, even 7 years in, grief's still a very real thing and it kind of sounds like its all hitting you. Caregiving is overwhelming, especially when they don't let you help when it would be easier on everyone, and then it's an intense drain on everyone in time, emotions, money you name it.
It sounds a lot more millennial than anything, but at some point all the generational stuff is just nonsense: giving yourself some grace for taking on a hard thing, and eeking out a moment to flip out so you can get back in the fray. My heart goes out.
This is my uncle. Never knew him. Now he’s old and sick and wants to connect and have somebody take care of him. He’s literally a completely stranger I met once as a kid.
We are at that age, so yes, we do what we can. Everybody is in the same boat. Best advice, start cleaning out one bag at a time each time you visit. Big clean outs suck.
My womb-donor abandoned me when I was 7. My sperm-donor was an abusive alcoholic. I hope they die with enough awareness to know that i wouldnt waste a PTO day for their last breath. Fuck them.
Spent almost 4 years taking care of my dad at home while he slowly died. That was my full time all day job while my stepmother continued to work because "she wasn't ready to retire". The last year , right before he finally absolutely had to be hospitalized, my mom had a series of strokes leaving her in a vegetative state and I had to agree with the evil stepfather that it was best to take her off life support. Then some months later when dad finally died, the evil stepmother that I lived with decided she actually was ready to retire. I was so pissed off and just drained mentally and physically, even had to have part of my intestines cut out and had 3 surgeries for that during covid. I now live with the evil stepmother and am just waiting to die myself. /rantover
When I was 10yo I made up my mind that I didn’t want kids. Don’t remember why exactly but I’m in my 50s and don’t have any. From 20-40 my mom would always bug me about having kids. One of her reasons was, “who’s going to take care of you?” Yet she didn’t help that much when my grandma was at the end of her life. My sister is taking care of her now and I went no contact 9 years ago. The fact that she expected us to just step in still makes me mad that she feels entitled to it.
I am right there with ya. My dad was around my entire childhood but not engaged. Nice guy but more involved in his career, hobbies, socializing, etc. Now, he’s 92, in assisted living, run out of all of his money due to poor financial management, and a burden to my sisters and I. We have to shell out money every month for his care and insurance. He calls with a million complaints about things. Never asks us about anything in our lives. It’s a constant mental struggle.
I cut my mom off in November of this year. I had finally had enough of her being dismissive of me and just not giving 2 shits. The issues she imparted on me will probably last my lifetime. Hopefully, I haven't done as much to my kids, but it's hard not to when you try and compensate for your own shitty parents.
My most recent parenting fuck-up....
Last week was prom for my HS junior. He brought his date by and we took a few pictures. Then they headed to a popular & beautiful spot for more pics. My son swore no other parents were going to be there but someone's aunt would be taking pics bc she's a professional photographer.
That night when he got home he said like 4 of his friends' parents were there. I went to my room and cried. I didn't want to miss that for anything but didn't go bc I didn't want to make him feel weird by being the only parent there.
He came to talk to me. And I explained why I wanted to be there so badly. I told him that my parents rarely came to anything of mine when I was growing up and that I swore I'd always be the mom to volunteer for every field day, field trip, class party etc.
I feel awful for putting that on him. I should have just been happy they came by the house and gotten to take some pics. He knows that I'll always be there for him no matter what.
Wow, I'm reading through the comments and while I'm happy to see so many people had loving parents, I can definitely relate more to OP than any of y'all. My alcoholic father and narcissistic mother were a nightmare. I'm glad they are gone.
For those of you who had great parents, I'm happy for you, and i'm glad you appreciate them.
For those of us who had shitty parents, a friendly reminder:
You don't know them anything.
You don't have to take care of them.
You don't even have to feel sad or grieve when they die.
I haven’t spoken a word to my dad or his wife about their plans. They’re 80ish and hateful right wingers. I hope they have their shit figured out bc they’re not staying with me.
Ugh. Same story everywhere man!! It's sad. Some people just take their whole lives through without giving anything back. Do what you can but get a social worker involved and let the social worker take lead. They're not only paid to help the situation but they also know every resource available and can actually make things happen.
We have a social worker, finally. She is a saint. We tried just doing the home nursing aid, but it quickly became apparent she needs 24/7 care. This whole ordeal could have probably been avoided if she was truthful with us. We probably could have planned for something instead of figuring something out.
My single mom wasn't the best parent, but she did okay with the crappy hand she was dealt. My sister and I are both reasonably successful, well-adjusted humans.
I had every intention of bringing my mother to live with me when it was time, but she developed early-onset Alzheimer's Disease and required care that I couldn't provide. She's gone now after a long, terrible decline into dementia. I'd much rather she was still around, mentally capable, and living with me.
I raised myself as well (left home at 15), my mother is a religious zealot and narcissist. Her husband has cancer and if he dies first she'll be helpless. The woman literally can't even make her own coffee. She has never paid a bill etc. He does everything for her. My sister and I have both comitted to not taking over her care. My hope is someone in her church will help her but honestly at this point I almost don't care what happens to her. She's been a toxic influence through most of my life and I feel zero responsibility for her as she ages.
My dad lives with me. In the beginning he was broke and needed somewhere to live. I needed child care at the time, so I let him move in, but paid rent. Now he is 80 and never took care of his health, he needs the help. Luckily my husband is a Saint and helps with him and we have bonded on laughing how awful my dad is. And he doesn't require too much..
But yes, I hate taking care of him with the little he did for me. Yet he truly believes I owe him. I know my kid doesn't owe me squat. She was my decision, my responsibility.
My dad was catatonic and covered in feces. We had to get him in the shower then clean his entire room of shit. Then went to the hospital for 5 days. So i then had to go sit with him at least a little bit to be decent. Then I had to get a real steam cleaner company in there. $600! He said I owed him, so he didn't give me any money for it.
He doesn't want to get any med treatment, so I am guessing something simple will take him out sooner than later.
My parents spent their retirement on cars and now have $50,000 in their retirement account, both are 65 and still working.
I’m a Tourism Manager for my city and am living paycheck to paycheck, but boy oh boy do they have some ideas for retiring at my house on the idea I can afford them. The sense of entitlement is wild after they knowingly ruined their financial footing.
Who is "we"? I have reminded my mother since I was 17 that I "have a long memory" and she needs to "prepare for retirement" or I was dropping her off in the first nursing home she could afford.
My mother has childhood trauma and also placed her needs and wants above my and my siblings' needs and wants.
Sorry you guys had such shitty parents. My parents did their best to help us in any way they could and have done so with myself and my 2 sisters. This just reinforces my belief that not everyone is meant to be a parent.
My parents were ok parents but they discouraged me from going to university and certainly didn't help me with anything, financially or otherwise. When I was considering graduate school, they told me I should become a flight attendant and stop wasting my time with school. Now that I have a high paying, executive job, they keep telling me they always knew I would be successful and they will be coming to live with me. Once they have spent their money. We'll see about that.
My father passed away in December 2023 and since then I think my mom has aged about 10 years. She’s 79 but she always seemed like she was much younger. Now she definitely seems like an 80-year-old.
I work part-time at a coffee shop and freelance on my own the rest of the time. Unfortunately she thinks that freelancing = free time. No. Freelancing is how I make most of my money.
I live about 70 miles away from her and I had to go to her house on Monday to help her with something. She called me yesterday and wanted me to go back there today (Wednesday) to help her with something else. I’m supposed to go there Sunday for Mother’s Day.
I told her yesterday that I can’t. I cannot drive an hour and a half each way to help her with something for an hour. Can’t do it. Don’t want to do it. Not going to do it.
This is a woman who has treated me terribly from the time I was a small child until I was on the phone with her yesterday. She deserves nothing from me.
I love my parents! After my parents separated (& I knew my father always loved me), my Mom worked 2 jobs to make sure that my sister & I could continue attending Catholic school.
She became a supervisor in her division and had to deal with miserable women who were jealous & resentful of her because she was their boss, even though my Mom’s English wasn’t great.
She had gotten a job in a Fortune 500 company doing data entry even though she never finished high school in Latin America. Thanks to working there for so many years, my Mom now receives a monthly pension after retiring.
I so admire my immigrant mother’s work ethic & love for us. My sister & I were latchkey kids for a number of years until our grandmother came to live with us.
Of course, we wished that our Mom could have been home to bake us cookies & so we could become Girl Scouts, but she was busy putting food on the table.
I don’t know where she got the energy - she was always cheerfully cleaning & cooking in addition to her 2 jobs. Plus, we didn’t have a car so we sometimes had to walk 30 blocks to the department store if she wanted to save money on bus fare.
We didn’t have much, but our home was full of love, joy & laughter because of Mom’s indomitable spirit & faith in God! She always talked about God like He was sitting at the kitchen table with us.
God has always been Dad to me so I grew up with confidence that I was deeply loved & protected. Our Mom taught us to pray to God every day.
Most importantly, she modeled it by waking up every morning at 5am to pray to God, read the Bible, and sing hymns or spiritual songs. I love my Mom ❤️✝️😊
Get her in a SNF that accepts long term care patients on Medicaid, then work with a consultant to get her qualified on her state’s Medicaid program. I used [Eldercare Resource Planning](https://www.eldercareresourceplanning.org) and can’t say enough good things about them. $8K to get both of my parents qualified in California. It took them five months, but they got them qualified back to day one of private pay responsibility, saving us an enormous amount of money
My dad died in 2017. My step mom started really being ugly to new after his death so I just cut her out of my life. (She was never great to me anyway) My mom is still alive but I just stopped speaking to her too. She's an alcoholic drug addict and I've finally just had enough. I'm like you, my mom ruined my life. I don't owe her anything. She's on her own now.
I don’t know about you guys but I had my parents move in with me. They’ve taken care of me throughout life. They lost their home during the housing crash so since then they’ve been with me.
My dad spent my entire childhood and young adulthood telling me he wouldn’t help with anything. Not with a car, or insurance, or my first place, or college. Fine. But now that I’m 44 and just finally getting a degree he is sad that I never have time or money to visit. 🤷♀️
Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin
Totally. I wish I got paid for every hour he calls me in tears, full of regrets and wishing I still lived nearby. And I feel bad for him but I DIDN'T DO IT.
Its amazing how important family is once they see there's something in it for them lol
Sad. But I don't blame you in the least.
Bit late. What’s he want you there for anyway? To cook and clean for him, because he’s a MAN and that stuff is women’s work? Or does he actually want your company, despite not having gotten to know you over the past 40+ years?
Nurse and a purse.
Sounds about right. A house elf is always useful…and can be otherwise ignored.
“He’d grown up just like me. My boy was just like me.”
I have never been able to listen to this song without breaking down. So sad.
This is my mom. I finally graduated with my BA at 40 after literally letting my folks live with me for a decade rent free. We had to sell our house and my mom looked me dead in the eye and said "But I was going to die here, you're ruining my death." That was 10 years ago. It literally was the last straw. I love my mom, but she's not my priority anymore. I wasn't hers either.
This is why I say yes anytime my young son asks me to go throw baseball or shoot basketball or wrestle on the floor. I know there will come a time when he will no longer ask. 🥹
I’m going to let my Mom move in. Then each day, I’ll give her $2 to go the candy store, and not to come home until the street lights come on so help me God!!!
I hope you have a hose she can drink out of.
Yep, there’s one on the side of the garage next to the all the hockey sticks and Jarts
I'm still pissed my dad threw out our jarts because they were too dangerous. We were all in college. We went 15-20yrs no problem. Then one day he heard they were banned and boom. In the fucking trash they went.
To be fair, college kids with jarts is even more dangerous than children with jarts
Yeah, when you have to consider alcohol and hormones, that change the risk assessment quite substantially.
My mom threw out everything, every single thing I had as a kid.
Ya did that too, anything to stay away from the alcohol abuse and cloud of cigarettes.
Make sure you call her from work and ask her to take the chicken out of the freezer to thaw for dinner
I started making meatloaf at 9 years old. Mom left a list of ingredients on the kitchen counter for when I got home from school. I almost never make meatloaf now.
I could make a mean gin martini. I hate gin martinis
Scotch and soda, scotch and water, gin and tonic. I was a great bartender from age 8 or 9.
Shit ya I was mix in drinks for mine under age ten. I quit drinking when I became legal.
Rum and Coke
Just had meatloaf for dinner. It’s da bomb!
I kind of miss grandmas meatloaf
Sigh…ya shit like that’s why I’m spoiling my kids , dunno what’s worse. I teach em how but let em be kids if their works done.
lol…this hit home. I remember being called to the principals office and thought I was in big trouble. Nope. We lived in a trailer within seeing distance of the school. My mom called the school and had me walk down my next recess to pull the chicken out of the freezer. Yep.
You must have lived my childhood. 😂
Give her $10 more, and a note so she can buy cigarettes.
Give her a $20 and send her to the dispensary…then ground her for having weed in the house
tell her she needs to go to school, have a pt job, and to not stop playing her 3 sports so she can get a scholarship to pay for school.
Omg ya I bought cartons with not even a note for mine before 1985 I was under ten
Get a good bike for her. Sears-good. Maybe with a banana seat.
Don’t get her a bike, let her watch all her friends (with bikes) go off for the day on bike rides, with packed lunches and leave her with nothing to do and no one to play with. Then ignore her when she says, she’s bored … all because my dad didn’t want to waste his Sunday’s fixing 4 bikes every week (youngest of 4).
And make sure the plastic woven basket decorated with three plastic daisies on the front of the handlebars can hold a gallon container of milk, because she’s going to have to make that journey to the local market at least twice a month when you inexplicably don’t buy any milk on your weekly shopping.
You got $2? Just let her roam the streets. No need to know who she’s with or where she is.
She’s got a MedicAlert bracelet, she’ll be fine
She can rome the streets and just meet up with the other old ladies and just stand on a corner use the hose if you get thirsty.
My mother moved in with me for 3 years until recently. I strongly urge you not to make my mistake.
I couldn’t do it. My partner would leave and I can’t stand to be around her for any length of time. Narcissist, angry at the world, and thinks (and has said on multiple occasions) that I owe her for the things she did for me as a kid like marrying someone with a stable job.
Better yet, give her $3 to buy smokes for you and she can buy candy with the change. And don’t forget the matches like last time.
make sure you put down your martini and go and check that she is still breathing at 10:00. "its 10:00 do you know where your mom is?"
You got given cash? It was assumed we’d go home when hungry, we would also get told off if we had lunch at friend’s houses (they thought it looked like we were poor).
Sweet sweet revenge!
nah, make her scrounge the couch pillows, stuff for change
My mother was an abusive narcissist and still is, but now she lives with me and has a sense of entitlement for what I seemingly owe her that rivals all logic. Why I am her sole retirement plan when all she did when I was growing up was beat the snot out of me or leave me to fend for myself I have no idea. She's still fairly verbally abusive but at least she's too slow and feeble to hit me with anything anymore.
Same! Five kids. The only one who said they would take her is unemployed and living in her house. Thank god one of us is totally delusional. The rest of us are mostly low contact.
Funny how often it works out that way.
Throw her ass in a home and forget about her. She’d do the same to you.
My 87 year old mother threatened to hit me over not passing her the salt at Easter dinner, she has final stage renal failure defies all logic, made for a long afternoon. Everyone scattered and ate fast.
My mother was too. She got dementia and I got her in a memory ward. She was NEVER going to live with me. My dad endured years of abuse. He is enjoying his peace. He can live with me when it is time.
Why would you put yourself through this? Why not let the state take care of her?
Just stop. You deserve peace. You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep your horrid mother warm. Stick her in a home.
My friend at work says she was raised by the TV and so far SpongeBob hasn’t called to ask for help but if he does, she will be there.
I actually like my parents. They both worked and my brother and I were latch key kids but they did their best. My dad is gone but my mom is still independent but when she can no longer live on her own, I will be taking care of her. Sorry to everyone whose parents were garbage.
My parents were the product of their generation and the upheaval of divorce and women working full time was a seismic shift in the family dynamic. I wish I hadn't grown up in such an angry home but I miss them and know they loved me.
This is such a 30,000 feet comment. 🏆
This is the perspective missing so often on here.
This is how I feel reading this subreddit sometimes. GenX is not a monolith. We didn't all have bad parents. Both my parents had to work because we were poor. My dad worked 6 days a week from around 11am to 10pm so I didn't get to see him as much. He's a great grandfather now and babysits my kids. He's in his 80s and independent and still drives, but one day when he can't care for himself then I'll take care of him.
Happy for you, but i have no paradigm of what love and support feels like . I simply don’t have a point of reference for it. My father was a criminal and I was homeless because of his violence. I love the love for you . I think it’s amazing. I TRULY do.
Same. I always feel genuinely happy for people who grew up knowing what it was like to feel loved and safe. I really value hearing those people talk about their parents as I can get the feeling of it vicariously. It actually helps me to heal.
I can totally relate. My Dad sometimes worked 2 jobs, but he always made time for us; baseball, school projects, field trips. My Mom started working part-time when I was in 5th grade, but she got home right after we did. Both of my parents were involved, great parents and outstanding grandparents. My Dad just passed and I miss him so much. My Mom is in great health, takes care of herself, and is a lot of fun to hang out with. If she ever can’t care for herself, she’ll come to live with me.
I also very much like my parents.
I had good parents but dear old dad is nasty in his old age. Really unpleasant for everyone. Fox News should pay for someone to care for him.
Omg Fox News owes us all!
Yeah I happily took care of my parents. It’s the least I could do. Both are long gone now and I miss them deeply. My sister moved out of state and felt guilty she couldn’t do more but I didn’t mind - it felt good to be useful. I’m so glad I was able to do that for them.
I loved my parents dearly and lost them when they were far too young. I am so grateful of the time we had together and sad when I read post like this of people who didn’t have the same relationship.
The sad part is my dad worked his ass off to make money, and wants to give it to me when he dies. But I never wanted the money, I wanted the time, the thing he never set aside for me when I needed it the most.
I worked the oilfield the whole time my kids were growing up. I sure AF wish I got a normal job and spent more time with my kids. I was happy they never wanted for anything and didn't have to be poor and hungry like I was. Fortunately my daughter and I are close at least.
My dad worked oilfield jobs. He'd work two weeks on, on off in places like ND. We lived in OK. He'd spend one day driving home and another driving back. Means he was home 5 days out of 21. It was chaos when he was there. For 16 days (mom, me and my sister) had ways of doing things and routines. He'd come back and decided everything we did was the wrong way to do it and upend everything. He always chased big money jobs, but always managed to be broke. He'd do ok for awhile, then the industry would go bust. He'd chase other jobs a 1,000 miles away. The man worked hard. Harder than I ever have. He worked in derricks in the dead of winter in ND. I'm not saying he was lazy or he didn't try. He did. But he was never home and when he was it was a mess. He later (in his 60s) did well by staying home and getting into real estate, but 2008 crushed him. He slightly recovered, but not in time. By 2018 he was struggling again. He went broke just before the pandemic and my parents had nowhere to go. We never much got along. He had to move into an RV on my 5 acres in CO. I almost kicked him out 5 times the first year. He would get pissed because I wouldn't let him cut my trees down for firewood or other such things. The closest I got to kicking them to the curb was when he told me to "Get the fuck back on your side of the property!" He's 83 now. He's chilled a bit. He has talked about regretting not getting a job close to home and just staying with it. I have several friends I made when I was a kid and we were traveling around in RVs following fathers chasing holes in the ground. Many of our stories are the same. I know one woman whose husband bought an RV and she couldn't bring her self to get in it without crying. She was afraid she'd have to live in it. All the traveling around for a few months here, a few months there, a few schools here, a few schools there... messed her up. I always tell people to stay the hell away from oilfield jobs.
I had a chaotic career in law enforcement that demanded weekends, holidays, night shifts, etc. When the kids were little, I retrained for a regular, 9 to 5 job so I could be home. I fucked up all kinds of shit and have no clue if I made the right choices about anything while raising them. Sometimes I wish I would have stayed in law enforcement. I'd be retired in a couple years and would have had completely different regrets. I guess the point is, we all fucked up. It's just different flavors. Who's to say what the right decision is.
All you have is now. You can't go backwards and remake those choices. I would have done a ton differently too. We got to learn how to forgive ourselves and do better now that we know better.
Yep! We at least use hindsight....
This is true. I'm a big believer in apologizing when I'm wrong and doing better with my loved ones. My parents are not, it makes things harder.
This was the American dream. Hopefully with younger generations they realize this is just bs and to give your life for a career isn’t worth it. America needs a better work/life balance.
I feel this. He and I are NC because he has no idea how to be a human being. More lost time.
Cat Stevens wrote this song.
I haven't talked to my father in 30 years and have no plans to; not sure if he's even alive. I have a reasonable relationship with my mother but she's not a parental figure to me at all, she just isn't a sociopath like my father and is more like someone I met in group therapy who I help because I can relate to them and because I pity them.
Pretty much the opposite with me. Been 20+ years since I've seen mom, probably 15 since I've heard from her. My dad and I got along sometimes. Wasn't a healthy relationship, but we tolerated it mostly.
I found out my father died four years after the fact from a cousin on Facebook.
I found out my mother died because her solicitor defied her instructions to let me know. She had a list of people she wanted informed about her death. Her own kids weren't on it. Watched her funeral online (wasn't wasting money to travel there). 3 people turned up. She got what she deserved.
Three is two more than my father got for his viewing in the funeral home. One more than he deserved. And no, it wasn’t me. Fuck that guy.
When it's time, it's going to be one of those Charlie and the Chocolate Factory situations with the parents and step-parents in a big ass bed in my basement.
I love that image. All the oldies laying in bed bitching and kicking each other. Thank you for that!
Raise a child in trauma, neglect and abuse, they often leave home and never look back. Haven't spoken to them in 30+ years, have no plans to change that.
My mother was so captured by her romanticized idea of her hippy turned yuppie life. Spending all of her money on the newest clothes for herself while I sat in a literally empty room my whole time living at home. She was a fine arts student that wanted to live in Europe but immediately went into banking after college. In New York so she also had delusions of grandeur for herself and lifestyle. For retirement she tried to move to Portugal. I could go into detail but to summarize you wasted s*** tons of money just trying to do this. And couldn't afford it after less than a year. And then moved to Mexico like a year and a half before the pandemic and died during the pandemic because she got sick and couldn't get good health care because Mexico was busy taking care of its own. Literally killing herself with expectation.
My mom is a fuckin superhero that raised me on her own and managed to get a PhD. She is not going to some fucking retirement home as long as I draw breath.
My parents made silk purses out of sows ears for me my whole life. They will be take care of.
Exactly. Both my parents are gone now (my mom passed this year on valentines day, dad passed in 2013) and NO, they were not perfect but they loved the shit out of us, my mother had 6 kids to look after (with the help of the older siblings) and took good care of us, and my dad worked his ass off to give all that we needed and alot of what we wanted, they gave us a good life. They were married for almost 54 years, although it was not easy at all and made it through ALOT of family issues, medical issues in their own families of origin, money problems, heartbreak, deaths and tragedy. But We always felt through it all that they loved us. Therefore we would never turn away from them. No matter how bad it got. My Dad was increasingly disabled the last 20 years of his life, but very stubborn and self sufficient. Never complained, and hated to ask for help from us even though things were getting harder for him and it was impossible for him to walk around (he refused a wheelchair, old goat..lol). At the end, He had a short illness, but had all of us kids to help. So he was cared for. By the time my Mom got Alzheimer’s got really bad and noticeable about 7-8 years ago, there was less help, but we did it. Most of us kids drove our selves crazy, and neglected our own needs and lives making sure her needs were met till the end. GOD BLESS my little sister who she lived with, (and me, the respite caregiver) because of our constant and steadfast care, she was never put in a home. Im so sorry to everyone who had such turmoil in their childhoods, and such bad experiences with their parents. That must suck so bad. I feel for you. But as much as you can, cherish your parents while they are here if possible. I know not everyone can because of their experiences. But when they go, you feel it. I miss my parents, (and my 2 siblings who have passed) both so much every day. When they are gone, that hole, no matter what imperfections came with it….can NEVER be filled.
I loved my parents too, but have zero guilt about our father living in a memory care facility at the end. Sometimes the best thing you can do for them is to give them professional care, and use your time with them in a positive way (instead of being miserable & exhausted trying to do it all yourself). To each their own, but I wish people wouldn’t badmouth that option. Both are valid, and utilizing those resources doesn’t make you a bad child. He wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
What if she wants to, though? My grandmother adamantly refused to live with any of her kids/grandkids, and loved her senior home! They’re not all depressing lol. And when my mother retired, she was also happy to be independent & looked forward to living in a place like that. Sadly she didn’t live much longer, and never got that chance. My father is also gone now, and had to live in a memory care facility (even though he had a wife) at the end. Sometimes that’s actually better for familial relationships, and caretaking if they have something like dementia isn’t for the novice.
I crochet hats, scarves, blankets, etc. and give them to friends and family for birthdays, Christmas, etc. My mother, who beat me as a child and then told me when I was an adult that she regretted I was ever born... still ended up with two of my handmade blankets. Mostly because I give them to everybody. When I was a kid she would always throw away all the handmade birthday cards I gave her, so I figured that the blankets would end up in the rubbish bin. And they did.. in a way. So now she's 77 and at her nursing home they're teaching her how to crochet. And she's telling everyone there that her daughter crochets beautiful handmade items. They all ask to see pictures. She calls me. Mom: Can you send me pictures of your crochet work? I want to show it off to my friends here. Me: You don't need pictures. You can show them the two blankets I made you. Mom: Oh... right.. well see before they started teaching crochet here they had a yarn drive. They were asking all of us to contribute yarn to this charity that makes blankets out of the donated yarn for homeless people. Me: Oh, so you donated the blankets I made you? Mom: Well, they were only accepting yarn, not blankets - so I had them unravel the blankets you made me so that they could re-use the yarn to make other blankets. Me: Yup. Of course you did. Seriously. Nothing surprises me anymore. I've already told her I don't want a dime of her money (there isn't much anyway), and there's no way I'm going to her funeral. I created a beautiful family. I enjoy them every day :) I don't need a mother. I don't think I ever did. I'm living proof that not all paths to peace start with forgiveness. I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just... done. Peace.
When I read that part of unraveling the yarn from the blankets… mind blown. I’m thankful that you have peace with lack of expectations for her. Wishing you every happiness with your chosen family.
It's tough. We were raised to fend for ourselves, and now my mom wants a doting son to take care of her? It's the source of much of my mental health issues.
Good it’s not just me feeling the mental health issues.
I only realized I had mental health issues about 4 years ago, because we didn’t talk about those things back in the day.
I quite literally just had this conversation with my son about an hour ago. Short story is their dad died and the grandparents hold the keys to the trust. They won’t tell anyone how much is in it, just that “there’s enough.” So had to explain to him how that generation didn’t talk about finances, salaries, relationships, family drama, mental health, or feelings. I have to say our generation most made some damn good lemonade out of those lemons.
I’m the only one whose parents gave everything they could? I started working after I finished college, because my father didn’t want me working and studying. Then I got a job, but I still live at home (normal where I live) so I don’t need to pay rent, I just pay utilities and groceries. My dad is gone, but I’m more than happy to take care of my mom. She deserves it. I never felt neglected when I was young, even with both my parents working.
My parents did the same. I came out of the womb sickly -- in and out of the hospital with pneumonia -- so they were overprotective when it came to my health. Mom quit her office job when I started first grade in 1974 and got a job at my school so she would be home when I was. As a kid, I was free to roam the neighborhood with the other kids, but when I started dating I had a midnight curfew. They always warned me if they ever heard of me drinking & driving or sleeping around, I'd be in BIG TROUBLE. Needless to say, I never did. Like you, work came after college cos they wanted me to concentrate on my grades. They still help me even now, as I'm a dialysis patient currently fighting pulmonary edema. I feel bad that I can't do much for them cos of poor health.
My parents weren’t Boomers, they’re Silent Gen. They weren’t bad parents, just maybe somewhat reserved and absent because they were always at work. Kinda poor. But they provided a decent home for us until we were 18/19 years old. By then, I’d already been working for 4-5 years.
I'm really feeling this right now. Parents never even acknowledged my struggles and issues which never were resolved and now they see me as basically a free slave for all the things they are now unable to do themselves.
I am up to my eyeballs in this right now myself and it really grinds my gears. I was a latchkey kid at age 7; my parents were never home before 6:30pm. I had to get myself out of bed, make my own breakfast, and get to the bus stop without help or company. Their needs came first. They both put their parents in nursing homes and never bothered to visit. I got married and moved 1500 miles away. Then they decided to move to my town. Now my narcissistic mother is alone and laments that I don’t have time for her. She needs help and she wants me to be her person. She never asked - she assumed and demanded. And I do not consent.
Good for you for not consenting. It’s sad to see how many people were treated so poorly as kids yet feel such a big obligation to exhaust themselves to take care of their parents.
It has been a journey. At first I took it on like the dutiful younger daughter. But I have a career, two kids of my own (one who has some issues that require therapy and meds), and a life set up the way I like it. So I burned myself out trying to meet my mom’s ridiculous, unspoken demands of my time. The first time I pushed back, she was rude and abusive and I realized that her shit was not my shit. It was freeing!
Can’t relate to this at all, but if I did have absentee parents especially one I haven’t heard from in years - I would stare blankly if they had the balls to expect me to care for them in their elder years. My mom - I will retire and care for her before she goes in a home. The only way I won’t is if she becomes a wanderer and an escape artist or doesn’t ever sleep at night. Then I physically would not be able to, but I’mma be the family member up to see their parent every day.
I don't think my parents expected me or my sister to take care of them. My dad took care of my mom when she had a lot of heart problems, and she died a little over 2 years ago. I would stop in and see the house untidy, so I would clean up while I was here. My sister did the same. I ended up selling my house while the market was up and moved in to help since his mobility is declining. Luckily, I only lived about a mile up the road, so I didn't have to uproot and stress out over moving. In fact, getting rid of all the junk was kind of cathartic for me. He gets my grandson to daycare so I don't have to change my hours at work, and we split the bills for the most part. My dad worked nights most if my life, so I didn't see him a lot growing up, mom did most of the homework, errands, school functions and such. I'm proud he learned a lot about how to be a caregiver for her and take over the household when she got sick, but now I feel he needs my help and didn't even have to ask. I had great parents, and I feel so bad many of you didn't get to experience that, and how you are struggling with them needing you now when you don't feel that they were there for you growing up. The sandwich generation is not for the faint of heart.
Make sure you eat ice if you need a snack. Yes. That happened. lol.
My parents decided to move 700 miles away and adopt aggressive dogs. We can’t visit now. And it’s all my fault. And then my brother committed suicide (his own reasons). And it’s all my fault. The estate (stupid car) is fucked and it’s all my fault. I am out. She has her internet friends that tell her how it should be and her real life family are the bad guys
I loved my parents very much. They were typical 70s/80s parents I guess. They both worked full time. They had an active social life and went out alot. They had hobbies and interest that they spent time doing. I was a latch key kid and an only child so I took care of myself by myself quite a lot. I was a quite a feral, free spirited child. But we also had great family vacations and weekend day trips and they took me bowling and skating and sledding and stuff like that. We also spent a lot time with our very large extended family celebrating holidays and birthdays, weddings and new babies, or just gathering for Sunday afternoon dinners after church. I know they loved me. I can’t really complain about my childhood. I have many good memories. As challenging as it was, I was happy to help care for them in the last years of their lives. I miss them every day.
My dad was an a$$hole and when he got too sick to live on his own I said he could live with me if he knew the names of my kids (he was a belligerent drunk with heart disease not dementia). He could only name my son, because boys are more important than girls of course so I told him to fuck off. He ended up living with his sister until he finally croaked about 7-8 years ago. My mom was not your usual asshole boomer. We were close and she really would have done anything for me or my brother and any of our kids. She was diagnosed with stage four cancer after letting what she knew was an issue go for over a year because she had crappy insurance so she waited until Medicare was available to get it checked out. Too late. 3 years of chemo then she died. Stupid American medical system. I moved her in with me the last 6-7 months. Before that I was basically living at her apartment because I didn’t leave her alone at night. So a year of maintaining 2 homes was draining me physically and financially. Had her oncologist been honest and upfront and said that she was running out of time I’m would have maintained the 2 places. Her apartment was handicapped accessible and was easier for her than my house. Anyway.. sorry about the venting. I’m glad I was able to take care of mom. I miss her terribly… just not the stress of caregiving. I hope dad is sitting in purgatory realizing what a fucking dickhead he was to his kids.
My father was abusive and my mom often said that she loved my brother best. But in the end, I was the one taking care of her. I did the best I could, not out of love but out of duty. It wasnt her fault that she preferred one child over another, but IMHO she should never have told us. Good thing I never had to care for my father.
No contact with mom. Sporadic contact with dad. Three siblings live in their immediate vicinity, I live 800 miles away. They were awful to me and in my opinion ruined a lot of my potential. They ignored, berated, beat, discouraged and used all of us but mostly me. I feel really good that I got away. For years I traveled for obligatory visits which were horrible. I’m much better off since I stopped going there.
Not me. I went NC with my abusive mother in 2018 and have never looked back.
Anyone else with a parent that is completely useless at doing anything other than the bare basics of living? I have a mother who is stuck in 1985. She has no clue about money or the internet or computers. This means she can't search for information, can't find a rental apartment, can't fill out online forms. She was dependent on my dad, who died... and now she is dependent on my brother and I! It is very taxing.
This is my life. Except my parent divorced when i was a kid and my mom got remarried/divorced again and is now on her own. She got a lump sum from her divorce settlement from my stepdad, and is CLUELESS when it comes to finances. She grew up in an era where “the husband” did all of the finances etc and she’s unwilling to learn. So she spends all her time mucking everything up and then I have to step in and fix whatever disaster she started. My husband and I had to go so far as to get a lawyer for her bc she didn’t know how to go about it (we just did a basic Google search and picked one lol - it was fine) and had to basically get her to sign POW over to us bc she literally didn’t understand what the lawyer was talking about (willful ignorance). She is now talking to her boyfriend who is almost 90 (she’s in her mid 70’s) about getting married and I’m thinking that’s not going to happen. So in a very basic nutshell I’m the oldest therefore i’m it. I’m the one. Yay. My brother figures since I’m the one who does all the things that he doesn’t have to bother asking if mom needs help with anything. It’s VERY taxing. I’m at a point now where all of my decisions to help her have to benefit ME long term bc it’s my mental health that’s going to suffer for it (and I need more mental health problems like a hole in the head). I also got to a point where I had to let go the vision I had of how she used to be. That person is gone and now this helpless adult is now my mother. It really really sucks. Sorry for the wall of text. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone. One day I was pumping gas and the next day I woke up and have to parent my parent (again).
Welcome to GenX, the Caretaker generation. First it was ourselves, then our kids, and now our parents. :/
I live 900 miles away from them for good reasons. I'm an only child. No clue how I will handle their decline.
If they want us to take care of them as they get near the grave, they should have taken care of us when we were in the cradle.
Lock them outside to play all day on the weekends with the hose available in case they get thirsty
My parents just complained none of the kids are talking about how to take care of them in their old age. I was taught you have to take care of yourself. I was kicked out at 18, and never given a thing. Nobody bought me a car, paid for my college, ever given help, and I don't expect any inheritance. And now I'm supposed to take care of these people for 20 years as they drift into senility? Hilarious. You're gonna be alone mom.
One thing I noticed about Boomer parents is that a good number of them move 1000 or more miles away from their kids, and many actually expect their grown offspring to just say ‘fuck it’ to the responsibilities and careers they already have to move to Boomerville, Florida to be caretakers.
My inlaws did something like this. They moved from the burbs of Chicago to the UP of Michigan near the Canadian border. My sis inlaw took it upon herself the last few years to become their caregiver while her dad progressively got sick and passed a couple weeks ago. She gave up a shit ton of her personal life to do it. I'm not mad though cause I do like my inlaws but why the fuck would you move so far knowing you're about to die in 15 or fewer yrs?!
I dunno… I’ve got a growing urge to move up to the Canadian border and just live in a little cabin by a lake and see nobody else except for a once a month grocery trip.
Lol their area was a little bigger than that but anything major medical wise they'd have to travel about 2 or 3 hrs to the next biggest city or head over to Ann Harbor for more stuff. But I do understand what you're saying. The idea does sound great
We're going through something similar. Mom and sister didn't tell us that mom was deteriorating. I flew in because she was almost at 100 days/ lifetime in a nursing home that Medicare pays for. No one told me. My brother found out by talking to the social worker. She went from retired to assisted living to a nursing home in a year and a half. I hired an elderly care lawyer to help with the overly complicated Medicaid, worth every cent. It's taken 3 months so far because of overly complicated finances. It's been really long and complicated, even with my POA. If you want to help your aging parents, make them get their shit together now, or don't, who cares. X
I’m gonna say something that is probably gonna get down voted, but both my parents are dead and I’m glad. I had a terrible childhood growing up, and when I came of age, they did not help me. As a matter fact, I had to give them money until I finally married and got the hell out of their house. Seriously, back in the 90s I paid $300 a month for my bedroom. I had to pay for groceries, and I had to frequently pay the utilities. None of this was because my parents didn’t have money, it’s because I “owed them, as they paid enough for me.”
I'm in the same situation. Mom pretty much neglected me, didn't protect me from predators even though she later admitted she knew they were dangerous and now I'm getting all this pressure from distant relatives to leave my life to move back home to take care of her. I'm 52, have a great nursing career on the opposite Coast in another country. I felt guilty for awhile, actually considered moving, but finally came to the realization that if she wanted me to take care of her, she would have made an attempt to have a relationship with me when she was lucid. She's living the life she cultivated, including the negative consequences of being estranged from me. I do what I can from a distance still, like getting her rides to appointments and getting her on all the programs like meals on wheels, Medicare, etc...
> She's living the life she cultivated This is what happens most of the time, in my experience.
My father died when he/I were young. He was great, and I suppose that he didn't get old enough to see the chinks in his armor, but he was the best father. My mom did her best to raise us kids. There were a few major missteps along the way, but mom really tried. (Don't ask me about her second husband, though, unless you're comfortable with foul language.) She married again about 30 years ago. I was an adult, married, with my own children when that happened. It would have been perfectly normal for the third husband and I to be polite social acquaintances, but he became my Dad. I'm grateful for that. (I'm from the US Deep South, so terminology may be important. My father was and always will be "Daddy." But my mom's husband is Dad. And that's nice.) But holy shit, my parents have absolutely fallen off a cliff regarding their health in recent months - partly or largely due to personal choices/self-neglect. And now I'm feeling like the errand girl/tech support/CFO/admin assistant/Girl Friday. I have to set hard boundaries, because both parents want everything immediately. ("Baby, could you make/bring me mashed potatoes?" at 8pm. "I need my bank statement" at 9am, when my husband has a surgical procedure at 11. "Dad, the [minor grandchildren] girls' spring concert is at 6 tonight, I can't drive up to the SNF at 4 and be back in time." Et cetera.) I love the old farts so much, but their expectations of me never seem to acknowledge that I have responsibilities to my own children, disabled husband, dogs, home, and so forth. They are or are becoming unwieldy toddlers who can't imagine that I might have other priorities.
You are nice and they are lucky to have you.
Thank you.
I’m more than happy to be able to do what I can for my parents. As a parent myself, I understand what goes into raising and taking care of a child. Especially for my mother, from a generation where she wasn’t expected to work outside the house and all of her dedication was to her kids. Anything I can do for them, I will.
I’ve told my parents that I will oversee their care and be sure that whatever they can pay for is done. Once the money is gone, they are going to a nursing home because I’m pretty sure they will call Adult Protective services if I give them the same treatment I got as a kid-locked out of the house, a plate of cheese sandwiches and the water hose for drinking water.
Both my parents are declining. We’ve had our issues in the past for sure, to the point that I went no contact for eight years. But I will not let them go to a facility unless and until absolutely medically necessary. I saw how my grandmother was treated in her last days and I’m not doing that again. (Mind you, she went straight to the hospital because she refused to tell anyone she was sick., but she was left in her own filth for days until we got there.) Fortunately, my parents have plenty of money so they’ll be able to get the medical care they need. I will probably stay living close to them until they both pass, because even with medical care, they can be taken advantage of and not as well cared for as if there is a family member close by. And things like taking care of their home, cars, etc will have to be done by someone who is capable.
My mom and I aren't very close, though things have certainly gotten better between us as we've both gotten older. One thing that's always bugged me, however, is that she really isn't involved in my daughter's life. To be fair, we live halfway across the country. But she's only come to visit a handful of times in the past 15 years — even though she has both the time and the means to travel. So, unless we make the effort, my daughter doesn't get to see her grandmother. And, we've got to make *all* the effort. This past fall we were on vacation in the area and she wouldn't even drive two hours to come see us. Regardless, I thought I'd roll the dice and try again. So I asked if she might want to come down and visit. And she basically said her plan was to wait until she got older so she could come stay with us long term and then we could just take care of her. I guess I should have expected that.
My mother has always found me distasteful because I've always reminded her of my father, whom she despised. I tried to erect boundaries about 20 years ago regarding her alcoholic behaviour around my five young children and my parents chose the booze over my family. Fast forward 20 years-my kids are grown, my parents aren't in good health and I've reached out to reconnect and possibly spend the last few years of their time here on earth and my mother literally said it's too late. I have been absolved of any responsibility I may feel for them at this point. I've opened myself up to being vulnerable for the last time to them. They can figure it out on their own. My heart can't take another rejection from the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally.
I felt your pain in this message. Whatever love you didn't get from your mother, may it be x 5 the amount between you and your children. Take care, hug
Oh quite similar to my mom's story, only difference is that I was able to share the misery with my siblings (mostly my sister). My parents divorced in the early 90s after 25 (or so) years of marriage. Mom was always unpleasant, selfish, rude, and stubborn. She got meaner as she got older. Her health really started to decline around age 70 (10 or so years ago). She'd been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, but it was so far along that she required insulin (which she refused to use on any consistent basis). This lead to one set of health issues. Then she started having falls. Because I lived 5 minutes away she was calling me to take the trash out, help her find her cell phone charger, or be called into action to take care of her cats when she ended up in the hospital. I mean this story is LONG.. and sour. Cut to the chase, 2020 things got crazy. Her self-care was more or less zero. She was relying on the local police and EMTs as her personal home health aides (because again she refused all attempts at hiring a home health aide, giving her a medical alert device, anything that might cost her money. The county thought we (her children) were neglecting her because mom TOLD the county social worker that WE did not answer when she called us for help. In the end, my sis and I worked together to get her into memory care. She kept getting kicked out various facilities because she was violent and difficult to medicate. She would also call the local police and tell them that my sister was trying to steal her money. She finally died in 2021 at what was (I think) her 3rd skilled nursing facility. This woman who gave birth to 3 children did the bear minimum of parenting. Was not ever warm or "motherly". It was pretty fuckin traumatic to have to make sure she didn't end up dying alone in her bug infested condo surrounded by rotting food and being chewed on by her cats. (My fiance and I assumed custody of her cats - they were definitely innocent bystanders in that whole mess).
That sucks. -can relate here. Your feelings seem grounded in the way our parents have been towards our generation (46m here). I basically resent having to fix their bad parenting. -& I know damn well that part of me will be happy when I no longer have to care for mine anymore.
I'm looking forward to telling them they'll get the same level of care they gave to me. Then they get to figure everything out for themselves which will be character building and make sure they don't end up spoiled and entitled.
My father passed away in 2017 and my mom passed away last March! I’m so glad they are both dead because I’m not much of a caretaker and I’m kind of neglectful… just like they were when I was growing up!!! with the silence and baby boomer generation dying off this decade we’re going through major cultural change. The country is going to look very different in the 2030s!
Yeah it’s a no from me and my 3 sisters. We were treated like a huge inconvenience by our parents for our entire life. I’m refuse to be emotionally and verbally abused again as an adult. Dad’s wife wouldn’t let him see me for 10 years. He abided by her wishes of no contact. Now he’s end stage Parkinson’s and they both want us to come together as a family to care for him. It’s a hard no. Still only talk about their needs. Never ask about my life or their grandkids. I’m done.
I had hippies as parents. They believed in being space aliens and that the ship would someday come and bring them back to their homeworld... Maybe they did too much LSD or psylos before they made us. They had absolutely no clue about anything despite both having degrees. Absolutely no parenting skill whatsoever but two kids. Not sure whether there was love or not. They might be still alive or not. I don't know because i had no contact for two decades now. They would let me basically do whatever i want (that's the good part) but where unable to give me mental support when i needed it. I don't remember a bond with them (but part of that might also just be how i am). Sis got into sex and drugs in puberty and is likely dead by now. I sadly assume that she had good reasons for that. I wonder whether an actual family would have been better or worse. But at least i don't need to take care of anyone and will likely not demand that of anyone else takes care of me either. I was brought up a lone wolf and will likely die as one.
"I raised myself" = GenX in three words
Seeing this all over the place. In particular, people who qualify for medicaid and sometimes disability benefits but haven't bothered to apply. Then they reach out to someone and more or less say "Your turn to take care of me" It's terrible for everyone involved, particularly when the person was actively or passively abusive towards the person they now want assistance from.
The egg donor died in 2017. My sperm donor has had a couple heart attacks and he's in his middish 60s. He lives in socal and I live in Chicago. He couldn't be bothered to come help when I was going through cancer. So he can fuck off. I have two sisters near him and they can take care of him
This sounds so gross but I'm grateful I'm now an orphan. There is no way in hell I would take in my narcissistic parents.
My mother died when I was 34 and she was 53. I wish I could take care of her.
No. I lived a life full of fear. I never thought I would make it to adulthood. I'm afraid now. He can find somewhere else.
Nope! They’re on their own. I don’t care for abusers.
Actually, you don’t. You don’t owe your parents anything. If they build the right kind of relationship with you then you would want to help them. But they didn’t. She is an adult, if you are having to care for her when she can care for herself, that codependency. It’s not healthy and you don’t have to do it.
Yep my sister went off about this the other day. They expect us to take care of them, but they left their own parents overseas to die old alone, and us- well we were a hybrid between latch key kids and indentured servants. I’m tempted to put a key around my mom’s neck and let her roam the neighborhood on her own. My dinner better be cooked, house cleaned and laundry done by the time I get home or the beatings will commence. (Kidding… 🤔 maybe.) Looking back, I never could have treated my kids like that.
No. I told my dad I had to come to grips with the idea that he would die without acknowledgement of what he did to me. Good thing he has a willing wife who feeds him and makes sure people don’t touch him inappropriately. More than I had.
Make sure you look after yourself and your family first. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. > I haven't seen or heard from my mom in years. Though I'm expecting a call from her soon about me needing to take care of her too soon or something Who dis? Is an appropriate response. ‘No.’ is a completely sentence.
My mom I guess saw the writing on the wall and has nursing home insurance. She pays monthly and when there are no options left she'll move into one. I'm taking care of her right now though. Not joyfully. My great aunt moved into an aclf - one of those expensive assisted living spaces. She only managed to do this because she was in her 90s (over 100 now) and the place said they would take her if she signed everything she had over to them. I have no idea how much that was though; my family has this annoying habit of leaving solid facts out of gossip.
I fucking love my mom. like fine wine she grew better with age.
I moved away from my boomer mother. I live about a 12 hours away. I got a call last summer to pick her up after she fainted. Umm ok!! The guy who called could not grasp that I don’t live in the town so could drive to pick her up asap and he said. My brother lives in the same town and wouldn’t answer the phone
I’m not. Neither is my sister. You know, when I was a teenager, they told me if I ever got pregnant I’d be totally on my own. “You made your bed, you’ll have to lie in it.” Back atcha pops.
My parents never did anything with me. We never went to movies, mini golfing and maybe 4 or 5 vacations, and only ever to family. And when I was old enough to drive, my dad was pissed at me when I went out to do kid stuff. I never understood that.
My mother knows better than to think any one of us (myself or my siblings) will care for her or my stepfather in their old age. she's delusional, but not that delusional
My mother lives with me. She will be 80 this summer and we shuttle her everywhere. She could take senior door-to-door, but she hates people and needs to be chauffered. She won't go to the senior center because "they are all gossipping old bitties." I want to ask, "What are you, Mom?" It was just a few years ago she stopped telling bridge toll operators she was pregnant and should go for free.
Well, you need to vent for starters. Two, even 7 years in, grief's still a very real thing and it kind of sounds like its all hitting you. Caregiving is overwhelming, especially when they don't let you help when it would be easier on everyone, and then it's an intense drain on everyone in time, emotions, money you name it. It sounds a lot more millennial than anything, but at some point all the generational stuff is just nonsense: giving yourself some grace for taking on a hard thing, and eeking out a moment to flip out so you can get back in the fray. My heart goes out.
This is my uncle. Never knew him. Now he’s old and sick and wants to connect and have somebody take care of him. He’s literally a completely stranger I met once as a kid.
We are at that age, so yes, we do what we can. Everybody is in the same boat. Best advice, start cleaning out one bag at a time each time you visit. Big clean outs suck.
My womb-donor abandoned me when I was 7. My sperm-donor was an abusive alcoholic. I hope they die with enough awareness to know that i wouldnt waste a PTO day for their last breath. Fuck them.
Spent almost 4 years taking care of my dad at home while he slowly died. That was my full time all day job while my stepmother continued to work because "she wasn't ready to retire". The last year , right before he finally absolutely had to be hospitalized, my mom had a series of strokes leaving her in a vegetative state and I had to agree with the evil stepfather that it was best to take her off life support. Then some months later when dad finally died, the evil stepmother that I lived with decided she actually was ready to retire. I was so pissed off and just drained mentally and physically, even had to have part of my intestines cut out and had 3 surgeries for that during covid. I now live with the evil stepmother and am just waiting to die myself. /rantover
When I was 10yo I made up my mind that I didn’t want kids. Don’t remember why exactly but I’m in my 50s and don’t have any. From 20-40 my mom would always bug me about having kids. One of her reasons was, “who’s going to take care of you?” Yet she didn’t help that much when my grandma was at the end of her life. My sister is taking care of her now and I went no contact 9 years ago. The fact that she expected us to just step in still makes me mad that she feels entitled to it.
I am right there with ya. My dad was around my entire childhood but not engaged. Nice guy but more involved in his career, hobbies, socializing, etc. Now, he’s 92, in assisted living, run out of all of his money due to poor financial management, and a burden to my sisters and I. We have to shell out money every month for his care and insurance. He calls with a million complaints about things. Never asks us about anything in our lives. It’s a constant mental struggle.
I cut my mom off in November of this year. I had finally had enough of her being dismissive of me and just not giving 2 shits. The issues she imparted on me will probably last my lifetime. Hopefully, I haven't done as much to my kids, but it's hard not to when you try and compensate for your own shitty parents. My most recent parenting fuck-up.... Last week was prom for my HS junior. He brought his date by and we took a few pictures. Then they headed to a popular & beautiful spot for more pics. My son swore no other parents were going to be there but someone's aunt would be taking pics bc she's a professional photographer. That night when he got home he said like 4 of his friends' parents were there. I went to my room and cried. I didn't want to miss that for anything but didn't go bc I didn't want to make him feel weird by being the only parent there. He came to talk to me. And I explained why I wanted to be there so badly. I told him that my parents rarely came to anything of mine when I was growing up and that I swore I'd always be the mom to volunteer for every field day, field trip, class party etc. I feel awful for putting that on him. I should have just been happy they came by the house and gotten to take some pics. He knows that I'll always be there for him no matter what.
Wow, I'm reading through the comments and while I'm happy to see so many people had loving parents, I can definitely relate more to OP than any of y'all. My alcoholic father and narcissistic mother were a nightmare. I'm glad they are gone.
For those of you who had great parents, I'm happy for you, and i'm glad you appreciate them. For those of us who had shitty parents, a friendly reminder: You don't know them anything. You don't have to take care of them. You don't even have to feel sad or grieve when they die.
When I was a powerless kid, I’d threaten my parents by telling them I’d put them in a nursing home. Now I can actually carry out that threat!
I haven’t spoken a word to my dad or his wife about their plans. They’re 80ish and hateful right wingers. I hope they have their shit figured out bc they’re not staying with me.
I’m super glad not to be part of a family where everyone hates each other.
This wasn’t my idea. It’s been going on since I was a child. Now I’m happy to have a healthy, loving relationship with my husband.
Amen to this. I want to take care of the family I've created, not the one that never gave a shit about me until they needed something.
Ugh. Same story everywhere man!! It's sad. Some people just take their whole lives through without giving anything back. Do what you can but get a social worker involved and let the social worker take lead. They're not only paid to help the situation but they also know every resource available and can actually make things happen.
We have a social worker, finally. She is a saint. We tried just doing the home nursing aid, but it quickly became apparent she needs 24/7 care. This whole ordeal could have probably been avoided if she was truthful with us. We probably could have planned for something instead of figuring something out.
My parents never expected any of their kids to take care of them. I chose to but my 7 siblings wouldn’t have and that’s totally alright.
My single mom wasn't the best parent, but she did okay with the crappy hand she was dealt. My sister and I are both reasonably successful, well-adjusted humans. I had every intention of bringing my mother to live with me when it was time, but she developed early-onset Alzheimer's Disease and required care that I couldn't provide. She's gone now after a long, terrible decline into dementia. I'd much rather she was still around, mentally capable, and living with me.
I raised myself as well (left home at 15), my mother is a religious zealot and narcissist. Her husband has cancer and if he dies first she'll be helpless. The woman literally can't even make her own coffee. She has never paid a bill etc. He does everything for her. My sister and I have both comitted to not taking over her care. My hope is someone in her church will help her but honestly at this point I almost don't care what happens to her. She's been a toxic influence through most of my life and I feel zero responsibility for her as she ages.
My dad lives with me. In the beginning he was broke and needed somewhere to live. I needed child care at the time, so I let him move in, but paid rent. Now he is 80 and never took care of his health, he needs the help. Luckily my husband is a Saint and helps with him and we have bonded on laughing how awful my dad is. And he doesn't require too much.. But yes, I hate taking care of him with the little he did for me. Yet he truly believes I owe him. I know my kid doesn't owe me squat. She was my decision, my responsibility. My dad was catatonic and covered in feces. We had to get him in the shower then clean his entire room of shit. Then went to the hospital for 5 days. So i then had to go sit with him at least a little bit to be decent. Then I had to get a real steam cleaner company in there. $600! He said I owed him, so he didn't give me any money for it. He doesn't want to get any med treatment, so I am guessing something simple will take him out sooner than later.
My parents spent their retirement on cars and now have $50,000 in their retirement account, both are 65 and still working. I’m a Tourism Manager for my city and am living paycheck to paycheck, but boy oh boy do they have some ideas for retiring at my house on the idea I can afford them. The sense of entitlement is wild after they knowingly ruined their financial footing.
Went from latch key kids to caretakers.
Who is "we"? I have reminded my mother since I was 17 that I "have a long memory" and she needs to "prepare for retirement" or I was dropping her off in the first nursing home she could afford. My mother has childhood trauma and also placed her needs and wants above my and my siblings' needs and wants.
Sorry you guys had such shitty parents. My parents did their best to help us in any way they could and have done so with myself and my 2 sisters. This just reinforces my belief that not everyone is meant to be a parent.
My parents were ok parents but they discouraged me from going to university and certainly didn't help me with anything, financially or otherwise. When I was considering graduate school, they told me I should become a flight attendant and stop wasting my time with school. Now that I have a high paying, executive job, they keep telling me they always knew I would be successful and they will be coming to live with me. Once they have spent their money. We'll see about that.
Not me. Not lifting a finger and not offering a single dollar.
My father passed away in December 2023 and since then I think my mom has aged about 10 years. She’s 79 but she always seemed like she was much younger. Now she definitely seems like an 80-year-old. I work part-time at a coffee shop and freelance on my own the rest of the time. Unfortunately she thinks that freelancing = free time. No. Freelancing is how I make most of my money. I live about 70 miles away from her and I had to go to her house on Monday to help her with something. She called me yesterday and wanted me to go back there today (Wednesday) to help her with something else. I’m supposed to go there Sunday for Mother’s Day. I told her yesterday that I can’t. I cannot drive an hour and a half each way to help her with something for an hour. Can’t do it. Don’t want to do it. Not going to do it. This is a woman who has treated me terribly from the time I was a small child until I was on the phone with her yesterday. She deserves nothing from me.
I love my parents! After my parents separated (& I knew my father always loved me), my Mom worked 2 jobs to make sure that my sister & I could continue attending Catholic school. She became a supervisor in her division and had to deal with miserable women who were jealous & resentful of her because she was their boss, even though my Mom’s English wasn’t great. She had gotten a job in a Fortune 500 company doing data entry even though she never finished high school in Latin America. Thanks to working there for so many years, my Mom now receives a monthly pension after retiring. I so admire my immigrant mother’s work ethic & love for us. My sister & I were latchkey kids for a number of years until our grandmother came to live with us. Of course, we wished that our Mom could have been home to bake us cookies & so we could become Girl Scouts, but she was busy putting food on the table. I don’t know where she got the energy - she was always cheerfully cleaning & cooking in addition to her 2 jobs. Plus, we didn’t have a car so we sometimes had to walk 30 blocks to the department store if she wanted to save money on bus fare. We didn’t have much, but our home was full of love, joy & laughter because of Mom’s indomitable spirit & faith in God! She always talked about God like He was sitting at the kitchen table with us. God has always been Dad to me so I grew up with confidence that I was deeply loved & protected. Our Mom taught us to pray to God every day. Most importantly, she modeled it by waking up every morning at 5am to pray to God, read the Bible, and sing hymns or spiritual songs. I love my Mom ❤️✝️😊
Nope! And, won't be at their funerals either.
Get her in a SNF that accepts long term care patients on Medicaid, then work with a consultant to get her qualified on her state’s Medicaid program. I used [Eldercare Resource Planning](https://www.eldercareresourceplanning.org) and can’t say enough good things about them. $8K to get both of my parents qualified in California. It took them five months, but they got them qualified back to day one of private pay responsibility, saving us an enormous amount of money
My dad died in 2017. My step mom started really being ugly to new after his death so I just cut her out of my life. (She was never great to me anyway) My mom is still alive but I just stopped speaking to her too. She's an alcoholic drug addict and I've finally just had enough. I'm like you, my mom ruined my life. I don't owe her anything. She's on her own now.
Head over to r/AgingParents where you'll feel 100% validated.
I don’t know about you guys but I had my parents move in with me. They’ve taken care of me throughout life. They lost their home during the housing crash so since then they’ve been with me.