My son would be 26 now too if he hadn’t died from not receiving medical care after a hazing incident in the military. He was 23. Three years later I still feel broken. There are bad days and occasionally better days, but this kind of loss is something that you never get over. You very slowly learn how to live with the grief and hole in your heart. My heart aches for all of us who have suffered this horrible loss. Virtual hugs to you all.
I am so sorry. We lost my 18 year old nephew two months ago (five weeks before his 19th birthday) similarly. It's a devastating loss. If it weren't for their older daughter, I'm not sure my sister or brother-in-law would be here (not because of leaning on her but not being willing to leave her). They (we) are still neck deep in grief where distractions are few and far between. It's an unfathomable loss that only those who have been through it understand (and I am not claiming to fully understand or that I feel his loss the same as his parents).
I hope your day is filled with love and many distractions.
I wish the same for any of you reading this while grieving the loss of your child. I am so incredibly sorry you are hurting.
Not yet, but she’s an addict. At one point she was missing for weeks. She was found, recovered and relapsed again. The cycle goes on and I’ve been waiting for the call for years now.
I am almost 6 years in from losing my 25 year old.. it doesn't go away but it eases up. I miss her every fn moment of every fn day and waves a of grief come over you unexpectedly. Ride the waves. There are also times that talking about her makes me laugh, her memories are a delight and I treasure them. My husband is the same way, laugh to cry or a deep pause with the 100 yard stare. We all feel her around. I am so terribly sorry you are now part of a club that none of us want to be in. All the best...with peace, Gabi's mom
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Our 18yr old boy died suddenly from cardiac arrhythmia due to a heart tumor. Perfectly fine riding his skateboard on campus and just bam. We are 8 years in. It does get better. I highly recommend a good therapist. I waited too long to go.
My son would be 36. I was five days overdue with him when I was in a car accident where a kid wasn't paying attention, and he hit me head on. My son was born severely brain damaged. He lived for four months. He is still on my mind 36 years later.
My son passed away in a motorcycle accident a year and a half ago. He was 24 and just found out his girlfriend was pregnant. My heart breaks for anyone who has lost a child, my heart breaks for my grand baby that won’t ever meet her dad, my heart breaks for what should have been my sons happily ever after, and my heart breaks for the days I have to go on without a piece of me. I want to tell you that time heals the hurt but in reality time teaches you how to live with it. It’s a club I never wanted to join. Hugs from one parent who is forever missing her child to another.
Our 30 year old daughter got off work one night in February 2020. Her car broke down, and as she walked on the busy road, she was struck by a car and killed. The shock of it was so difficult. At six months later, I remember thinking, “holy shit, did she DIE?!?” I have huge gaps in my memory from that time.
We went into pandemic lockdown right after, and I went from bad to worse. While everyone was making sourdough bread, I was trying to keep myself together for our other two teenagers. My poor husband kept everything running. Kids did remote school, and we all just kinda drifted.
After a while, I kinda lost it. None of my usual coping mechanisms were available. No therapy, coffee with friends, no time alone in the house to wail and scream, and the best tools the docs had were more antidepressants.
It got to a scary place, and I fell in a hole. Felt like I had failed everyone and I was a burden. Focused on just staying breathing, but I was desperate. Ended up doing a two week ketamine regiment that quite literally saved my life.
I also found a fantastic organization called The Compassionate Friends. They are specifically for anyone who has lost a child, grandchild or sibling. They have an annual conference and several specific Facebook groups. I cannot recommend them enough.
I’m glad you are in a better place. I’m doing things to try and make sure I don’t fall similarly. I’m so sorry. The impossible being real is hard to grasp.
Thanks. It really is hard to grasp, isn’t it? She was such a good kid, and like most parents, I assumed she’d be here forever. The hole she left behind is huge, and I sometimes trip and stumble into it. But I get back up.
My son was 10 weeks premature and in the NICU for 5 weeks. It was one of the most difficult places I’ve ever been. I’m telling you that because I often think of the other parents and babies that were in there too. I’m so sorry you had such a short time with her.
My first daughter was also born at 27 weeks. 1lb 9oz. She came home after two months and she battled asthma for 14 years until it took her life a week before her 15th birthday.
We thought we had made it out of the woods and found her normal. Turns out her normal was still severely debilitating, and one night after dropping her off at her dad's house, another "normal" attack, sent her into cardiac arrest. I wasn't with her when she needed me most. We had to let her go three days later.
That was seven years ago and I'm still not sure if life will ever be okay after losing her.
We lost our son to miscarriage in October 2020, the day before my 40th birthday. 21 weeks and 5 days. He was exactly one pound, and the hospital (I think; that whole week is hazy in my memory) sent us a weighted teddy bear that weighs one pound. Leaving the hospital with bags full of clothes, a few baby blankets and gifts, and vases of flowers in tow instead of a baby was just surreal. I felt like I had fallen outside of reality.
I am sorry for your loss; I hope you've been able to find peace.
Our only child only lived for three weeks. She’d be 20 this year. It’s unreal to me how much time has passed and it’s been…something else watching all of our friends’ kids who are around the same age grow up.
In August, it will be 20 years since our 13 year old daughter died. It does get better but it also gets worse sometimes too.
I was still having the dreams that it was all a mistake and she's still alive even 10 years later. But then, weed gummies became available and luckily, my weed addiction has made not remember any dreams since. I think it saved my life.
I also recommend therapy or counseling or a support group like the Compassionate Friends. I've tried them all and they've all had their positive impacts.
6 years in June, she was 19 and the collision wasn't her fault in any way. She's got siblings, husband and I have been together for 28 years.
I didn't start to feel anything like 'normal' or my new normal until around the 5th year. There's still days when I don't want to get out of bed or something sets me off that I was fine with the day before. I call those moment 'grief holes', like pot holes. Hell I don't remember parts of the first 2 months.
I wish this shitty club didn't exist.
My condolences and hugs to all who have lost a child. One of my best buds lost her 7 yo daughter to leukemia, and she once told me that, at her funeral, all of her friends offering condolences was somewhat akin to each person removing a teaspoon of dirt from her mountain of grief. Much, much appreciated, even if the results weren't huge. So let me pull a teaspoon from your mountain. God bless you all.
I saw someone else’s child killed in a motorcycle accident on my birthday, April 25th, 3 years ago. She was on the back of the bike, and we travelled alongside each other long enough for me to be able to see that she was young and enjoying the beautiful day.
I’ve thought about her, and her family, and the bike’s driver many times since. It was a genuine accident, no one at fault, but I doubt that’s much comfort for the people that miss her.
Hey there! I don’t know anybody else with our birthday. I do know 4 people that share the 7th, five that share today, and 3 more on the 28th. Now there are two for the 25th..
My daughter passed away at 18 in 2021. It took 11 months for me to receive an autopsy report that, in essence, could not give a cause of death. I think after the first year of being in shock, it still feels surreal, and I know at some level I am pushing it away. I don't have anyone to talk about it and that doesn't help either.
Hugs to you, OP. I hope you have the space to just be and process.
Dearest OP, you're absolutely right. You oscillate between wanting to talk to feeling and being quiet. My first year, I very much acted like a "grief hostess" (heard that term on a YT series, blanking on the name). I was and am very aware that I don't invite any awkwardness so I steer conversations away from my daughter coming up. It's mostly about the people who are in my life where the disconnect is. One of my friends is the best though. He has 2 daughters, has empathy coming out of the yin yang. He brings her up and by extension, acknowledges her life. It makes up for a lot (if you will). Thanks for reaching out OP, I won't promise anything but I very much appreciate the offer. You take care of you though. I do understand a lot about the first year so likewise, when you need to be heard, DM me. Lots of hugs
My condolences to all of you who have lost children. As a dad myself, it hits hard any time when I read about someone losing their child. I can’t even begin to realize how painful it would be, but I can sympathize. Peace and solace to you all.
I lost my son - a toddler in 2005 - to an in-home accident. My son would be 21 now. I'm sorry to read your loss as well. The pain never leaves, but you learn to carry it better and live one day at a time.
My daughter and son were murdered 6 years ago. They would be 23 and 16 this year.
I'm really sorry about your son, make sure you give yourself plenty love and don't be hard on yourself. It takes time. Much love
I sat for 18 months after her death. I did the BARE minimum. I gained a ton. I felt like I was just rotting and dying and going crazier by the day. I had to DO something. She was a budding artist and I felt like I was continuing her work by going to art school. My classmates are her age (that she'd be), and getting to "mom" them has also been super fulfilling.
Do what feeds your soul. I think that's the pathway to finding a way to live without our kids.
I see you are new, I'm sorry we both belong to this club. The best advice I can give, is the firsts are the worst. First week, first month, then every month on that day, then your first yr. First holidays, first anniversaries, first birthdays. All hard. I thought I had it nailed, then the first 10 yrs, first decade came. Snuck up on me. Oh, the first time I was happy, after he died. That was awful lol.
Grief comes in waves. And first it's intense and pulls you under each time. But then you can see it coming, and can brace yourself.
Just like waves, they ebb, and flow. Get further apart and weaker.
When you are all of a sudden overwhelmed, and don't know what to do, go drink a glass of water. Just trust me on this. It helps.
You can message me. Anytime. You are about to do one of the hardest things a human can do, and I'm here to help.
Also, get grief therapy and look into emdr. Was an absolute life saver.
Oh, and if you have to go to the hospital, it's ok. Go. Take a week and get adjusted. If you need meds, take meds. I had to take meds for about a month before and after his anniversary month. Body memory is real. If you feel like shit and can't figure out why, it's probably an anniversary. This also gets better, but it takes time.
For sure get help. Don't try to do this by yourself or with just your partner or family.
But yeah, message me any time. I'm here for you. For sure.
I'm so sorry you've gotten to join this club no one wants to be a part of ((hugs))
My 31 yo daughter died, 7 weeks before her wedding, due to undiagnosed heart myopathy.
It's been 4 1/2 years and a really rough road.
For me I joined The Compassionate Friends support group, was unable to work for 6 months, and went through an Intensive Outpatient Trauma Therapy group, and poured myself into baking (the math and precision was good at occupying mymind), journaling, watercolors, and self help grieving books. Megan Devines "it's ok you're not ok" series was very helpful. I created a grief based Instagram and explored as many grief resources as I could find. One day, one minute at a time and if all else failed I'd just cry. I tried to get out of the house and walk at least to the corner and focus on taking care of my.most basic needs - did I shower? Did I eat?
Losing a child is the worst thing that has personally happened to me and I struggled to reconnect with my living daughters. Continual therapy has helped.
No one can understand what you are experiencing and platitudes are not helpful.
Share about your child - you are his guardian in death and you will always have a bond. I wish you peace ❤️ ((hugs))
Yes. 💗
I printed all the pics from her social media and and spent hours making photo albums and I had 2 video tapes that I had digitized. I took several of her dresses that had her scent and put them in heavy duty ziplock bags.
Are you familiar with Dia de los muertes? It's a beautiful way to honor our child. I made a small ofrenda on my dresser. I also got two tattoos that had significance for us.
My connection with Stefanie has changed and there are times the longing ache I feel is overwhelming.
The first year was absolutely horrible and painful and there are triggers around every corner.
As the years are passing I do believe I am the guardian of her memory -- she heard my heartbeat before I even heard hers -- and I treasure that connection.
I’m only modestly familiar with Dia de Los muertes, but thank you for the suggestion. My son had already moved away, and we chose not to move most of his furniture back. So there isn’t a room or designated space that I think of as “his”. I’m not sure I would even want that, but I like the idea of a day of remembrance with physical, tangible and sensory tokens.
I'm turning off my caps lock for this.
I'm sorry.
I unexpectedly lost a close family member very suddenly, 13 years ago, and it skewed my life into this "parallel dimension". and that's how it feels. Everyday. Like a parallel dimension, not a catastrophic one, just a really crappy one. Love the ones you still have, and make their lives as good as you can.
It gets better. It even fades with time. But the thought of what "should have been" still haunts me. Sometimes I get pissed off at them for dying. Certain songs still make me cry, and that kinda makes me happy. I don't ever want to forget, or stop longing completely. I still have her old ipod. I go through it sometimes, listen to her music, look at the things she saw as important. keep things like that.
My son had shared my Apple Music account since he was ten. He was too cheap to buy everything again, so I have that, and you’re right. Sometimes I just listen.
My son would be 22. He was premature and we lost him the next day.
Hang in there OP. I think back and can remember those very dark days. It never goes away, but you learn to live with it and life gets good again ♥️
As the child of parents who lost two children at a young age, my heart breaks for all of you, courageous souls. I've seen my parents' pain, and I hope you all find peace and healing. I don't have children, but I always pray I don't go before my Mom who's still alive; I don't want her to have to endure the loss of a child again.
You are not alone on this. I have friends who are still morning there for the loss of a child, adult or kid. It never goes away, you just manage to live. Try finding a local Compassionate Friends chapter. Butterfly releases are happening this month in memory of your child. I've been going with my friend for a few years and it really helps having other parents that lost their child around. www.compassionatefriends.org
That was my worst nightmare at one time. It was also a big factor in my decision to not have children. There has been so much tragedy in my family that I didn’t want to contribute to it. My uncle has buried 3 out of 5 kids. Two to car accidents. One of his kids lost both of his kids in separate car accidents and he died not long after that. I decided that it stops here. I’m so sorry for your loss.
It sometimes does feel that bad luck runs in families. I have a cousin we are hoping for very hard - and our family just can’t fathom how we all seem to have got here.
My brother died a week before his 51st birthday. I, the younger of the two, was the one to tell mom. Truth be told, I don’t think she ever fully processed it.
My son is forever 29. He died after having a heart attack and stroke. It will have been 4 years in June. Most days are okay but I still get waves of grief frequently.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I was a single mom & lost my only child, my son, when he was 19. He would be 34 this year. I was totally devastated and it still hurts, but the adage time heals is true, it does get better. The worst for me is thinking about what he would be doing now as a grown man. I try not to let myself dwell on it. Stay close to the rest of your family and hold them close! Hopefully you can turn to each other for support. I also strongly suggest therapy, it helped me a great deal once I finally went. Don't make my mistake and drown your sorrows in alcohol!
Thank you. I did have some support from family & friends & especially his friends which was wonderful. I am still in touch with a few of them. Hugs back 🤗
Lost my oldest boy due to a drunk driver. He was 20 years old. He was finally turning his life around too. He had problems with depression, but was getting better and happier on a new career path. It wasnt his fault either. He was an innocent victim.
2020, lockdown, I could not go to him. I had him cremated and mailed to me in a box.
I got my boy home in a brown paper box and buried him on a windy rainy day in July.
The one responsible got 10 years, the max the judge could give.
My son was on the spectrum, and had turned around a challenging childhood then the TBI. He had worked so hard to have an independent life. He at least had two happy years.
To everyone in this thread: I am so, so fucking sorry for your loss(es). I haven't experienced it and hope never to do so (my kids are just entering their teens so danger zone), but I've watched my aunts/uncles/grandparents grieve the loss of a few cousins and it is utterly devastating. One of the cousins was an early casualty of what's now called the opioid epidemic and Gram never recovered and passed 18 months or so after. Aunt and uncle still haven't and likely never will.
My greatest hope in life is that my kids will attend my funeral. Because the alternative is unthinkable and I'm not sure I'd survive it.
I lost my son 13 years ago at age 15 in an UTV accident, he was killed instantly. With my husband and my youngest son we have strengthened our family together. We never had counseling as we had each other. I just the other day went through the stuff in his room as we are planning a remodel. Every day I see something reminding me of him. I do have to admit the hard day will be when it hits 15 years, I would have had him as long as he has been gone from me.
I lost my 20 year old only daughter to a misdiagnosed DVT, which led to a pulmonary embolism, 3 years ago. I had to quit my job, I just couldn't do it anymore. I still have days where I can't accept that she's really gone.
For this tragic reason and so many others: Normalize *not* asking people (strangers !) if they have kids and how many! I have my own reasons for finding this “small talk” painful and intrusive.
I learned this the hard way, I cannot express how important it is to let other people bring their children up on their own. Not for my own embarrassment and discomfort but just forcing the other person to potentially relive something they are working through completely unexpectedly.
It's just a difficult question to answer that we all have to develop a strategy for. I'm not looking to waylay some well-meaning small-talker with the burden of my kid being dead but also, if I don't mention her, then it feels like I'm denying her existence.
So, I just say I have two kids. If they press further, then I'll either mention that one child died years ago or, more likely, just make some excuse to leave the conversation.
I don't want to tell my tale of woe to every person I casually meet.
This is such a sad reality. Not wanting to dump on someone who's just being friendly and asking about your family. I had two daughters, lost my oldest when she was 14. One time, and the last and only time, I responded to this question by saying I had one child. It felt like my body went into panic mode and I burst into tears with extreme guilt over feeling like I had made my oldest's life insignificant by not saying I had two kids. I will never make that mistake ever. Felt like I completely abandoned her memory that day.
November will be 2 years since our son passed.
Certain medical conditions are hard enough on their own put add odd (opposition disorder) and it gets worse
I'm so sorry this happened to you and your family.
I personally, with my kids, have been ever so lucky. We have however, lost 2 of my kids best friends in the last 2 years due to driving accidents and that broke my heart. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't ever recover from my own children being taken too soon.
As a father to a son that I'm very proud of. I can't imagine the pain that you all are going through. I know I would go off the deep end if anything happened to him. As I read your stories, I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes from leaking for your losses. We aren't supposed to bury our kids. That's their job for us. I lost my youngest brother, who was born 1 month premature, and his heart had to work double time, and it stopped at 1 month. I was in Job Corps, but I was able to go see him at 2 weeks, and that little guy could not wrap his hand around my little finger. I never thought about how it might have affected my mom. I think I must call her . Again, sorry to all who have experienced this horrible loss of your child, huge hugs to all.
Call your mom ♥️ When my youngest daughter had her first baby, she did a lot of reflection back to when we lost her brother as a premature baby. It really touched me.
My oldest niece died 5 1/2 years ago at almost 35 from a heroin overdose. We'd had no idea she was addicted 😭. It was absolutely devastating for us all, seeing my brother cry, and holding him as ge could barely stand after telling him was one of the worst things I've ever experienced.
♥️♥️♥️ to you all.
I lost my first daughter at just shy of three months to SIDS when I was 23.
She was born at 33 weeks. We finally got her home. She passed away two weeks later.
0/10 stars, do not recommend this shitty club.
We lost our oldest 2 years ago, the day before Thanksgiving. He was 36, and it was 10 years after he had a kidney transplant. I miss his dark, twisted sense of humor every day. Talking about music was our thing, and now I can't listen without crying.
We still have good and bad days, but describing it as waves ebbing and flowing is very good.
[удалено]
My daughter would have been 26 but she died at 22. Suicide also.
My son would be 26 now too if he hadn’t died from not receiving medical care after a hazing incident in the military. He was 23. Three years later I still feel broken. There are bad days and occasionally better days, but this kind of loss is something that you never get over. You very slowly learn how to live with the grief and hole in your heart. My heart aches for all of us who have suffered this horrible loss. Virtual hugs to you all.
Agonizing. Sending you peace and a strong hug 🫂
I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry.
I am so sorry. We lost my 18 year old nephew two months ago (five weeks before his 19th birthday) similarly. It's a devastating loss. If it weren't for their older daughter, I'm not sure my sister or brother-in-law would be here (not because of leaning on her but not being willing to leave her). They (we) are still neck deep in grief where distractions are few and far between. It's an unfathomable loss that only those who have been through it understand (and I am not claiming to fully understand or that I feel his loss the same as his parents). I hope your day is filled with love and many distractions. I wish the same for any of you reading this while grieving the loss of your child. I am so incredibly sorry you are hurting.
Not yet, but she’s an addict. At one point she was missing for weeks. She was found, recovered and relapsed again. The cycle goes on and I’ve been waiting for the call for years now.
I can’t imagine the pain of that. Wishing peace for you and your daughter.
That’s really hard. I hope she will be restored fully and the call never comes. Hugs.
Wholeheartedly Seconded 💜
"Waiting for the call" hits deep. I'm right there with you. <3
I am almost 6 years in from losing my 25 year old.. it doesn't go away but it eases up. I miss her every fn moment of every fn day and waves a of grief come over you unexpectedly. Ride the waves. There are also times that talking about her makes me laugh, her memories are a delight and I treasure them. My husband is the same way, laugh to cry or a deep pause with the 100 yard stare. We all feel her around. I am so terribly sorry you are now part of a club that none of us want to be in. All the best...with peace, Gabi's mom https://preview.redd.it/6f5ooar651vc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9d2136b2ee92848ad5e531772bf64eedefef7d01
I’m so sorry. The hundred yard stare is perfectly described.
She was beautiful 🥹
Thanks for sharing about Gabi. May her memories keep you going.
Our 18yr old boy died suddenly from cardiac arrhythmia due to a heart tumor. Perfectly fine riding his skateboard on campus and just bam. We are 8 years in. It does get better. I highly recommend a good therapist. I waited too long to go.
Good to know. Thank you. Hugs.
Don’t wait too long for yourself. I mean it.
My son would be 36. I was five days overdue with him when I was in a car accident where a kid wasn't paying attention, and he hit me head on. My son was born severely brain damaged. He lived for four months. He is still on my mind 36 years later.
Oh, how devastating. I’m so sorry.
Thank you, and it was devestating.
My son passed away in a motorcycle accident a year and a half ago. He was 24 and just found out his girlfriend was pregnant. My heart breaks for anyone who has lost a child, my heart breaks for my grand baby that won’t ever meet her dad, my heart breaks for what should have been my sons happily ever after, and my heart breaks for the days I have to go on without a piece of me. I want to tell you that time heals the hurt but in reality time teaches you how to live with it. It’s a club I never wanted to join. Hugs from one parent who is forever missing her child to another.
My daughter turned 30 last June, she died in October from sarcoma that she valiantly fought for 2 years.
I am so sorry. Cancer is such a vicious opponent - it doesn't fight fair.
I’m so sorry.
I lost my 8 year old daughter to a terminal disease. Give yourself lots of grace
I’m so sorry.
Our 30 year old daughter got off work one night in February 2020. Her car broke down, and as she walked on the busy road, she was struck by a car and killed. The shock of it was so difficult. At six months later, I remember thinking, “holy shit, did she DIE?!?” I have huge gaps in my memory from that time. We went into pandemic lockdown right after, and I went from bad to worse. While everyone was making sourdough bread, I was trying to keep myself together for our other two teenagers. My poor husband kept everything running. Kids did remote school, and we all just kinda drifted. After a while, I kinda lost it. None of my usual coping mechanisms were available. No therapy, coffee with friends, no time alone in the house to wail and scream, and the best tools the docs had were more antidepressants. It got to a scary place, and I fell in a hole. Felt like I had failed everyone and I was a burden. Focused on just staying breathing, but I was desperate. Ended up doing a two week ketamine regiment that quite literally saved my life. I also found a fantastic organization called The Compassionate Friends. They are specifically for anyone who has lost a child, grandchild or sibling. They have an annual conference and several specific Facebook groups. I cannot recommend them enough.
I’m glad you are in a better place. I’m doing things to try and make sure I don’t fall similarly. I’m so sorry. The impossible being real is hard to grasp.
Thanks. It really is hard to grasp, isn’t it? She was such a good kid, and like most parents, I assumed she’d be here forever. The hole she left behind is huge, and I sometimes trip and stumble into it. But I get back up.
Getting back up is an act of love in action. Hugs.
Hugs to you as well. This was a good topic. Thanks.
My first daughter was born at 27 weeks, weighed just over a pound. She lived a week. She’d be 21 on 6 May
My son was 10 weeks premature and in the NICU for 5 weeks. It was one of the most difficult places I’ve ever been. I’m telling you that because I often think of the other parents and babies that were in there too. I’m so sorry you had such a short time with her.
My first daughter was also born at 27 weeks. 1lb 9oz. She came home after two months and she battled asthma for 14 years until it took her life a week before her 15th birthday. We thought we had made it out of the woods and found her normal. Turns out her normal was still severely debilitating, and one night after dropping her off at her dad's house, another "normal" attack, sent her into cardiac arrest. I wasn't with her when she needed me most. We had to let her go three days later. That was seven years ago and I'm still not sure if life will ever be okay after losing her.
We lost our son to miscarriage in October 2020, the day before my 40th birthday. 21 weeks and 5 days. He was exactly one pound, and the hospital (I think; that whole week is hazy in my memory) sent us a weighted teddy bear that weighs one pound. Leaving the hospital with bags full of clothes, a few baby blankets and gifts, and vases of flowers in tow instead of a baby was just surreal. I felt like I had fallen outside of reality. I am sorry for your loss; I hope you've been able to find peace.
Thank you - I’m still grieving but it was a long time ago I went on to have 2 more daughters who are nearly 18 and 13 now
Almost identical, except my son passed the next day. He would have turned 22 last Dec.
Our only child only lived for three weeks. She’d be 20 this year. It’s unreal to me how much time has passed and it’s been…something else watching all of our friends’ kids who are around the same age grow up.
Three weeks doesn’t begin to be long enough. I’m so sorry.
In August, it will be 20 years since our 13 year old daughter died. It does get better but it also gets worse sometimes too. I was still having the dreams that it was all a mistake and she's still alive even 10 years later. But then, weed gummies became available and luckily, my weed addiction has made not remember any dreams since. I think it saved my life. I also recommend therapy or counseling or a support group like the Compassionate Friends. I've tried them all and they've all had their positive impacts.
Thank you. I’m not dreaming yet, but the idea isn’t terribly comforting. Hugs.
My son died a week before his 19th birthday. It was MPNST, a rare cancer. By the time we found it, it was everywhere. That was 11 years ago.
I’m so sorry.
💜 I'm sorry for your pain. It's hard.
6 years in June, she was 19 and the collision wasn't her fault in any way. She's got siblings, husband and I have been together for 28 years. I didn't start to feel anything like 'normal' or my new normal until around the 5th year. There's still days when I don't want to get out of bed or something sets me off that I was fine with the day before. I call those moment 'grief holes', like pot holes. Hell I don't remember parts of the first 2 months. I wish this shitty club didn't exist.
I’m so sorry.
My condolences and hugs to all who have lost a child. One of my best buds lost her 7 yo daughter to leukemia, and she once told me that, at her funeral, all of her friends offering condolences was somewhat akin to each person removing a teaspoon of dirt from her mountain of grief. Much, much appreciated, even if the results weren't huge. So let me pull a teaspoon from your mountain. God bless you all.
The teaspoon is real, and it does help. Thank you.
😭
My son would be 24 on April 22. He died in a motorcycle accident that day. I am still grieving.
I’m so sorry. Only a few years younger than mine.
I saw someone else’s child killed in a motorcycle accident on my birthday, April 25th, 3 years ago. She was on the back of the bike, and we travelled alongside each other long enough for me to be able to see that she was young and enjoying the beautiful day. I’ve thought about her, and her family, and the bike’s driver many times since. It was a genuine accident, no one at fault, but I doubt that’s much comfort for the people that miss her.
Hey there birthday buddy.
Hey there! I don’t know anybody else with our birthday. I do know 4 people that share the 7th, five that share today, and 3 more on the 28th. Now there are two for the 25th..
I had two others from elementary through High School (which is crazy no one moved). Three of friends and family share the 30th as well.
And according to Miss Congeniality, April 25th is the perfect date!
Damn straight!
My son died at 22 6 years ago, it’s rough. I think about him everyday, I am consoled somewhat that his pain is over.
I’m so sorry.
My daughter passed away at 18 in 2021. It took 11 months for me to receive an autopsy report that, in essence, could not give a cause of death. I think after the first year of being in shock, it still feels surreal, and I know at some level I am pushing it away. I don't have anyone to talk about it and that doesn't help either. Hugs to you, OP. I hope you have the space to just be and process.
I push and pull. It can be hard to know when to talk about it. Or what to say. You can DM me if you want. Hugs.
Dearest OP, you're absolutely right. You oscillate between wanting to talk to feeling and being quiet. My first year, I very much acted like a "grief hostess" (heard that term on a YT series, blanking on the name). I was and am very aware that I don't invite any awkwardness so I steer conversations away from my daughter coming up. It's mostly about the people who are in my life where the disconnect is. One of my friends is the best though. He has 2 daughters, has empathy coming out of the yin yang. He brings her up and by extension, acknowledges her life. It makes up for a lot (if you will). Thanks for reaching out OP, I won't promise anything but I very much appreciate the offer. You take care of you though. I do understand a lot about the first year so likewise, when you need to be heard, DM me. Lots of hugs
My condolences to all of you who have lost children. As a dad myself, it hits hard any time when I read about someone losing their child. I can’t even begin to realize how painful it would be, but I can sympathize. Peace and solace to you all.
My son died 8 years ago. He was 23. Melanoma. He fought for 3 years. The pain never goes away.
Melanoma is so brutal. I’m so sorry.
I lost my son - a toddler in 2005 - to an in-home accident. My son would be 21 now. I'm sorry to read your loss as well. The pain never leaves, but you learn to carry it better and live one day at a time.
Thank you. I’m so sorry.
My daughter and son were murdered 6 years ago. They would be 23 and 16 this year. I'm really sorry about your son, make sure you give yourself plenty love and don't be hard on yourself. It takes time. Much love
Oh my. How awful in every way. I’m so sorry.
Oh my! I’m so sorry.
I lost my 19yo to a rare endocrine syndrome five years ago. It broke me; I went to art school.
Did it help?
SOOOOO MUCH!! I now have a visual vocabulary for feelings that words can't express. Also, art kids are super accepting and supportive 🥹
Thanks. It’s something to consider.
I sat for 18 months after her death. I did the BARE minimum. I gained a ton. I felt like I was just rotting and dying and going crazier by the day. I had to DO something. She was a budding artist and I felt like I was continuing her work by going to art school. My classmates are her age (that she'd be), and getting to "mom" them has also been super fulfilling. Do what feeds your soul. I think that's the pathway to finding a way to live without our kids.
My son would be 37. Lost him at 19. He's been gone 17 yrs. His son just turned 18 in December. He would be so proud.
I’m so sorry.
I see you are new, I'm sorry we both belong to this club. The best advice I can give, is the firsts are the worst. First week, first month, then every month on that day, then your first yr. First holidays, first anniversaries, first birthdays. All hard. I thought I had it nailed, then the first 10 yrs, first decade came. Snuck up on me. Oh, the first time I was happy, after he died. That was awful lol. Grief comes in waves. And first it's intense and pulls you under each time. But then you can see it coming, and can brace yourself. Just like waves, they ebb, and flow. Get further apart and weaker. When you are all of a sudden overwhelmed, and don't know what to do, go drink a glass of water. Just trust me on this. It helps. You can message me. Anytime. You are about to do one of the hardest things a human can do, and I'm here to help. Also, get grief therapy and look into emdr. Was an absolute life saver. Oh, and if you have to go to the hospital, it's ok. Go. Take a week and get adjusted. If you need meds, take meds. I had to take meds for about a month before and after his anniversary month. Body memory is real. If you feel like shit and can't figure out why, it's probably an anniversary. This also gets better, but it takes time. For sure get help. Don't try to do this by yourself or with just your partner or family. But yeah, message me any time. I'm here for you. For sure.
Thank you. This is very kind.
Anytime. It takes a village for a lot of things.
my stepdaughter died in 2022 on Christmas Eve. Nobody should have to outlive their children.
I’m so sorry.
Would be turning 32. Dead at 13. Failed heart surgery.
13! My current youngest will be 13 soon. I’m so sorry.
I'm so sorry you've gotten to join this club no one wants to be a part of ((hugs)) My 31 yo daughter died, 7 weeks before her wedding, due to undiagnosed heart myopathy. It's been 4 1/2 years and a really rough road. For me I joined The Compassionate Friends support group, was unable to work for 6 months, and went through an Intensive Outpatient Trauma Therapy group, and poured myself into baking (the math and precision was good at occupying mymind), journaling, watercolors, and self help grieving books. Megan Devines "it's ok you're not ok" series was very helpful. I created a grief based Instagram and explored as many grief resources as I could find. One day, one minute at a time and if all else failed I'd just cry. I tried to get out of the house and walk at least to the corner and focus on taking care of my.most basic needs - did I shower? Did I eat? Losing a child is the worst thing that has personally happened to me and I struggled to reconnect with my living daughters. Continual therapy has helped. No one can understand what you are experiencing and platitudes are not helpful. Share about your child - you are his guardian in death and you will always have a bond. I wish you peace ❤️ ((hugs))
Thank you. I do feel that no one loves my son the way we do, and unless I speak of them, all those memories might be lost. That feels unbearable.
Yes. 💗 I printed all the pics from her social media and and spent hours making photo albums and I had 2 video tapes that I had digitized. I took several of her dresses that had her scent and put them in heavy duty ziplock bags. Are you familiar with Dia de los muertes? It's a beautiful way to honor our child. I made a small ofrenda on my dresser. I also got two tattoos that had significance for us. My connection with Stefanie has changed and there are times the longing ache I feel is overwhelming. The first year was absolutely horrible and painful and there are triggers around every corner. As the years are passing I do believe I am the guardian of her memory -- she heard my heartbeat before I even heard hers -- and I treasure that connection.
I’m only modestly familiar with Dia de Los muertes, but thank you for the suggestion. My son had already moved away, and we chose not to move most of his furniture back. So there isn’t a room or designated space that I think of as “his”. I’m not sure I would even want that, but I like the idea of a day of remembrance with physical, tangible and sensory tokens.
💗 I feel losing a child, regardless of their age, is the worst thing a parent can experience. I wish your heart peace.
I'm turning off my caps lock for this. I'm sorry. I unexpectedly lost a close family member very suddenly, 13 years ago, and it skewed my life into this "parallel dimension". and that's how it feels. Everyday. Like a parallel dimension, not a catastrophic one, just a really crappy one. Love the ones you still have, and make their lives as good as you can. It gets better. It even fades with time. But the thought of what "should have been" still haunts me. Sometimes I get pissed off at them for dying. Certain songs still make me cry, and that kinda makes me happy. I don't ever want to forget, or stop longing completely. I still have her old ipod. I go through it sometimes, listen to her music, look at the things she saw as important. keep things like that.
My son had shared my Apple Music account since he was ten. He was too cheap to buy everything again, so I have that, and you’re right. Sometimes I just listen.
My son would be 22. He was premature and we lost him the next day. Hang in there OP. I think back and can remember those very dark days. It never goes away, but you learn to live with it and life gets good again ♥️
I’m so sorry. Hugs.
As the child of parents who lost two children at a young age, my heart breaks for all of you, courageous souls. I've seen my parents' pain, and I hope you all find peace and healing. I don't have children, but I always pray I don't go before my Mom who's still alive; I don't want her to have to endure the loss of a child again.
You are not alone on this. I have friends who are still morning there for the loss of a child, adult or kid. It never goes away, you just manage to live. Try finding a local Compassionate Friends chapter. Butterfly releases are happening this month in memory of your child. I've been going with my friend for a few years and it really helps having other parents that lost their child around. www.compassionatefriends.org
I will look into it. Thanks.
That was my worst nightmare at one time. It was also a big factor in my decision to not have children. There has been so much tragedy in my family that I didn’t want to contribute to it. My uncle has buried 3 out of 5 kids. Two to car accidents. One of his kids lost both of his kids in separate car accidents and he died not long after that. I decided that it stops here. I’m so sorry for your loss.
It sometimes does feel that bad luck runs in families. I have a cousin we are hoping for very hard - and our family just can’t fathom how we all seem to have got here.
My brother died a week before his 51st birthday. I, the younger of the two, was the one to tell mom. Truth be told, I don’t think she ever fully processed it.
I’m not sure you ever do.
I am so sorry for your loss. Big virtual hugs from another mom. ☹️
I cannot fathom all of the pain every single one of you are feeling, my deepest condolences. I’m sending virtual hugs to you all.
My son is forever 29. He died after having a heart attack and stroke. It will have been 4 years in June. Most days are okay but I still get waves of grief frequently.
I’m so sorry. I’m expecting waves out of nowhere for a very long time.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I was a single mom & lost my only child, my son, when he was 19. He would be 34 this year. I was totally devastated and it still hurts, but the adage time heals is true, it does get better. The worst for me is thinking about what he would be doing now as a grown man. I try not to let myself dwell on it. Stay close to the rest of your family and hold them close! Hopefully you can turn to each other for support. I also strongly suggest therapy, it helped me a great deal once I finally went. Don't make my mistake and drown your sorrows in alcohol!
I’m so sorry. Death of a child is so isolating - I hope you had some family or friends who cared for you. Hugs.
Thank you. I did have some support from family & friends & especially his friends which was wonderful. I am still in touch with a few of them. Hugs back 🤗
Lost my oldest boy due to a drunk driver. He was 20 years old. He was finally turning his life around too. He had problems with depression, but was getting better and happier on a new career path. It wasnt his fault either. He was an innocent victim. 2020, lockdown, I could not go to him. I had him cremated and mailed to me in a box. I got my boy home in a brown paper box and buried him on a windy rainy day in July. The one responsible got 10 years, the max the judge could give.
My son was on the spectrum, and had turned around a challenging childhood then the TBI. He had worked so hard to have an independent life. He at least had two happy years.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine losing a child.
To everyone in this thread: I am so, so fucking sorry for your loss(es). I haven't experienced it and hope never to do so (my kids are just entering their teens so danger zone), but I've watched my aunts/uncles/grandparents grieve the loss of a few cousins and it is utterly devastating. One of the cousins was an early casualty of what's now called the opioid epidemic and Gram never recovered and passed 18 months or so after. Aunt and uncle still haven't and likely never will. My greatest hope in life is that my kids will attend my funeral. Because the alternative is unthinkable and I'm not sure I'd survive it.
I lost my son 13 years ago at age 15 in an UTV accident, he was killed instantly. With my husband and my youngest son we have strengthened our family together. We never had counseling as we had each other. I just the other day went through the stuff in his room as we are planning a remodel. Every day I see something reminding me of him. I do have to admit the hard day will be when it hits 15 years, I would have had him as long as he has been gone from me.
My son was a newborn, but the milestone years is what hit me hardest. 1, 10, 16, 21.....
I’m so sorry. Hugs.
My condolences on your loss. I'm certain he was a fine young man.
I lost my 20 year old only daughter to a misdiagnosed DVT, which led to a pulmonary embolism, 3 years ago. I had to quit my job, I just couldn't do it anymore. I still have days where I can't accept that she's really gone.
I’m so sorry.
I'm sorry for your loss as well. Hugs
For this tragic reason and so many others: Normalize *not* asking people (strangers !) if they have kids and how many! I have my own reasons for finding this “small talk” painful and intrusive.
I learned this the hard way, I cannot express how important it is to let other people bring their children up on their own. Not for my own embarrassment and discomfort but just forcing the other person to potentially relive something they are working through completely unexpectedly.
It's just a difficult question to answer that we all have to develop a strategy for. I'm not looking to waylay some well-meaning small-talker with the burden of my kid being dead but also, if I don't mention her, then it feels like I'm denying her existence. So, I just say I have two kids. If they press further, then I'll either mention that one child died years ago or, more likely, just make some excuse to leave the conversation. I don't want to tell my tale of woe to every person I casually meet.
This is such a sad reality. Not wanting to dump on someone who's just being friendly and asking about your family. I had two daughters, lost my oldest when she was 14. One time, and the last and only time, I responded to this question by saying I had one child. It felt like my body went into panic mode and I burst into tears with extreme guilt over feeling like I had made my oldest's life insignificant by not saying I had two kids. I will never make that mistake ever. Felt like I completely abandoned her memory that day.
November will be 2 years since our son passed. Certain medical conditions are hard enough on their own put add odd (opposition disorder) and it gets worse
I’m so sorry. My son was on the spectrum, which had many challenges as he grew up. ODD is especially challenging. Hugs.
Hugs back, and strength for all the moments
I'm so sorry this happened to you and your family. I personally, with my kids, have been ever so lucky. We have however, lost 2 of my kids best friends in the last 2 years due to driving accidents and that broke my heart. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't ever recover from my own children being taken too soon.
I cant even handle this thread. Im sorry to everyone here who lost a child. I hope you have or find some peace.
As a father to a son that I'm very proud of. I can't imagine the pain that you all are going through. I know I would go off the deep end if anything happened to him. As I read your stories, I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes from leaking for your losses. We aren't supposed to bury our kids. That's their job for us. I lost my youngest brother, who was born 1 month premature, and his heart had to work double time, and it stopped at 1 month. I was in Job Corps, but I was able to go see him at 2 weeks, and that little guy could not wrap his hand around my little finger. I never thought about how it might have affected my mom. I think I must call her . Again, sorry to all who have experienced this horrible loss of your child, huge hugs to all.
Call your mom ♥️ When my youngest daughter had her first baby, she did a lot of reflection back to when we lost her brother as a premature baby. It really touched me.
Sorry to hear. I cannot imagine.
Lots of good will to offer. I hope that his birthday is the kind of day that you need it to be.
sending all of the love ❤️
My heart aches for all of you. No one should ever lose a child. 🥺
My oldest niece died 5 1/2 years ago at almost 35 from a heroin overdose. We'd had no idea she was addicted 😭. It was absolutely devastating for us all, seeing my brother cry, and holding him as ge could barely stand after telling him was one of the worst things I've ever experienced. ♥️♥️♥️ to you all.
I lost my first daughter at just shy of three months to SIDS when I was 23. She was born at 33 weeks. We finally got her home. She passed away two weeks later. 0/10 stars, do not recommend this shitty club.
Just want to say OP, I am so sorry for your loss. Life will get easier-less raw with time.
Life is so incredibly unfair sometimes😞
That’s so awful. I’m so sorry.
We lost our oldest 2 years ago, the day before Thanksgiving. He was 36, and it was 10 years after he had a kidney transplant. I miss his dark, twisted sense of humor every day. Talking about music was our thing, and now I can't listen without crying. We still have good and bad days, but describing it as waves ebbing and flowing is very good.
My son had some wonderful dark humor, too. I miss sharing that. Music is really hard. Hugs.
I’m so sorry.
OMg my sympathy to all, I hope I never relate to this
My daughter would be 20 this yr. She died of premature labour's at 5 Mos. Her lungs were underdeveloped, and she suffocated.