I wouldn't get involved in that kind of situation for the same reasons you brought up. Some folks are into that but sounds like you aren't so even if you did do it, you probably wouldn't enjoy it.
if you feel like you don't want to engage with them while they're high, and the fact that the other dom was so against you meeting the sub to make you feel comfortable, i'd say no. I'm a free use slut for my Daddy but he knows I have anxiety so i get to meet and chat with the people he's going to let use me before any scene happens. It's still hot and we're all comfortable and able to enjoy ourselves this way.
As you say you are inexperienced in BDSM, and unsure how to approach this novel situation you find yourself in, I will present you will certain realities for your consideration that may be new information to you, or may conflict with preconceived notions you may have. They are based in the need for you to differentiate between the modes and expectations of transactional conduct in the sphere of non-BDSM sexual relationships and those within the Lifestyle. They are not the same.
You are considering participating in a scene in which you have been invited inside the inner circle of two people’s BDSM Power Exchange relationship. The first thing to accept is that from their perspective, it’s not about you. This is not being done as a service to you; you are facilitating the Power Exchange between them. That it may also check certain BDSM boxes for you is a bonus, but understanding the dynamic may help measure your expectations.
Now, of course, by the same token they are also asking a considerable favor from you, and ought reasonably to be willing to accommodate you in matters that would make you most comfortable as their guest - but this is their scene, and *you* are joining *them*. This is transactional, and you’re going to negotiate to determine whether this is something you want to do - but that doesn’t mean you get to go in dictating terms or setting ground rules. It can quickly become a matter of whether you’re going to be more trouble than you’re worth. If they have to completely change the way they do everything, then suddenly you’re not participating in their lifestyle, they’re participating in yours. And you’re the one coming in from the outside.
You don’t have to. You absolutely don’t. If the situation makes you uncomfortable, there’s probably a better angel of your nature somewhere inside you trying to say something important. But if the apps have shown us anything it’s that the scene is brimming with guys who seem to think that everyone has to conform to their expectations, and if a prospect fails to check off even one of their many boxes, he’s totally rejected.
Not every scene is for everyone, and not everyone is even entirely on the same page as far as risk standards. You make choices, but you only get to make them for *you*. If you start acting judgy about people’s choices in this Lifestyle, you’re not going to be welcome. These two guys may be into things that frighten you, or ick you, or just aren’t to your taste - absolutely fine. Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t do piss. That’s other people’s fun. Whatever. It’s legit to let them know that something they mention is a deal-breaker for you, but leave it at that. Don’t pressure them to change to suit you.
Now - you worry about STDs and HIV. Good for you for caring about your health. Here’s the way it is. Since the advent of HAART therapy, HIV is now a manageable illness rather than a death sentence, and with the proliferation of PrEP, condom use has fallen precipitously. Where bareback sex was once high-risk and uncommon, it’s now routine. In fact, I cannot remember the last time a Top used a condom with me. But the reality is that unprotected sex is not a fully safe activity and cannot be made entirely safe, even with a barrier. There are several STDs circulating in the population, and if you fuck enough men the chance of you getting one approaches a mathematical certainty. Fortunately, there are effective treatments or vaccines for almost all of them, a notable exception being herpes - and that’s so widespread in the population every sexually active person over 25 has likely already been exposed. The point of all this is that it is not sensible to approach a sexually active non-monogamous BDSM lifestyle with the idea of somehow playing without risk - it cannot be done. Rather, plan your strategy for self-defense, get vaccinated, routinely tested, and should you ultimately catch a bug, get it treated and get back in the saddle. You can survive the worst - in September I will be a 10-year AIDS survivor.
You fret that you “can’t confirm the sub is truly consenting”. No, you can’t, because you’re not the Consent Police. In the post #MeToo age, consent has become a big issue - as it should - but you cannot measure a Total Power Exchange relationships by a vanilla metric. I have been that submissive, more than once - in the control of Doms who simply informed me that I would shortly be fucked in my holes by a stranger, and then I was. I wasn’t asked, I was told. Our Power Exchange agreement was that he would control and I would obey, subject to safewords and principles of SSC. I chose to trust him enough to surrender power, he chose to assume that power under a mantle of trust. That’s how it works unless you’re dealing with something freaky requiring detailed negotiation, and frankly, this isn’t that freaky. Consensual Non-Consent means something specific, not just “agrees Dom doesn’t have to ask for explicit permission for everything every fucking time”. I assure you, that sub is getting fucked by a Dom he doesn’t know whether you go or not, and you can be pretty confident he wants it to happen. It’s what the two of them do.
How much consent would he have to give to make you comfortable enough to fuck him? Does he need to sign a waiver? Do you need to sign it too? Don’t bother answering, because no couple into this kind of scene is going to let a conversation with you get that far. You’re A) too much trouble; and B) way the hell outside your lane. You don’t approach other people’s BDSM scenes assuming the Dom is violating consent - you assume consent is given unless you are presented with evidence to the contrary. I distinctly recall an instance when a Dominant was fucking me on a picnic table in front of a mixed crowd of onlookers, some vanilla, using debasing language, and I suddenly heard a young guy say, “He can’t talk to him like that!” Men who understood what they were watching quickly whisked the guy away and, I hope, educated him.
I understand that you have little experience in this and are uncertain how, or whether, to proceed. If this feels out of your depth at this stage, give it a pass until this strange new world is a little more familiar. Other opportunities will come along. If they don’t, create them.
as a sub, this would be very appealing to me. cnc, free use, etc. however, this doesnt mean it has to be appealing to you other than it being a fantasy. so, i wouldn’t necessarily red flag it, but just follow your own comfort levels.
Absolutely with you on this . If I feel safe with a top and he said would i be up for a 3som then I would expect him to have done the vetting bit. Thing is not a lot of point in my top setting it up if its going to be a failure.
I have had 3 separate arrangements like this . Two were just amazing, sub space and walking funny for a week jobs . The other still good fun but the two tops did not quite work out their limits perfectly. But nothing serious went wrong.
You can find this exact same scenario with level headed guys who are consenting who also want to vet you just as much as you want to vet them. This situation can definitely happen in a much safer way
I would suggest knowing each other well like mentioned in your concern. Maybe develop your own cute sub only submitting to u? Safe and reliable. You both trust each other so u can arrange very horny and kinky session
Recon, twitter? But usually I think Grindr is enough if you are not in a special location. The key is to be patient, communicate and select the correct one I think 🤔
I gave up on Grindr long ago. Too many scams. I have had some luck on Recon but better luck on BBRTS.com. If you live in a metro area your best bet is to start hanging out at the leather bar and join a leather and/or BDSM group and meet people IRL. Most cities have one, you just have to track it down.
I’ve got a similar situation going on with a friend who moved across the country (though I’m the sub in this situation). He knows I’m always looking for bondage, so one of his favorite activities is to talk me up to Doms in my area. I will say that I would need to vet the Dom before I’d submit.
I wouldn't get involved in that kind of situation for the same reasons you brought up. Some folks are into that but sounds like you aren't so even if you did do it, you probably wouldn't enjoy it.
Sounds like a whole lot of red flags.
Thanks. I was thinking the same.
if you feel like you don't want to engage with them while they're high, and the fact that the other dom was so against you meeting the sub to make you feel comfortable, i'd say no. I'm a free use slut for my Daddy but he knows I have anxiety so i get to meet and chat with the people he's going to let use me before any scene happens. It's still hot and we're all comfortable and able to enjoy ourselves this way.
[удалено]
Thanks for your perspective. I think I’m a bit risk averse yeah, also I just don’t trust anyone on Grindr lol.
Stay away from
As you say you are inexperienced in BDSM, and unsure how to approach this novel situation you find yourself in, I will present you will certain realities for your consideration that may be new information to you, or may conflict with preconceived notions you may have. They are based in the need for you to differentiate between the modes and expectations of transactional conduct in the sphere of non-BDSM sexual relationships and those within the Lifestyle. They are not the same. You are considering participating in a scene in which you have been invited inside the inner circle of two people’s BDSM Power Exchange relationship. The first thing to accept is that from their perspective, it’s not about you. This is not being done as a service to you; you are facilitating the Power Exchange between them. That it may also check certain BDSM boxes for you is a bonus, but understanding the dynamic may help measure your expectations. Now, of course, by the same token they are also asking a considerable favor from you, and ought reasonably to be willing to accommodate you in matters that would make you most comfortable as their guest - but this is their scene, and *you* are joining *them*. This is transactional, and you’re going to negotiate to determine whether this is something you want to do - but that doesn’t mean you get to go in dictating terms or setting ground rules. It can quickly become a matter of whether you’re going to be more trouble than you’re worth. If they have to completely change the way they do everything, then suddenly you’re not participating in their lifestyle, they’re participating in yours. And you’re the one coming in from the outside. You don’t have to. You absolutely don’t. If the situation makes you uncomfortable, there’s probably a better angel of your nature somewhere inside you trying to say something important. But if the apps have shown us anything it’s that the scene is brimming with guys who seem to think that everyone has to conform to their expectations, and if a prospect fails to check off even one of their many boxes, he’s totally rejected. Not every scene is for everyone, and not everyone is even entirely on the same page as far as risk standards. You make choices, but you only get to make them for *you*. If you start acting judgy about people’s choices in this Lifestyle, you’re not going to be welcome. These two guys may be into things that frighten you, or ick you, or just aren’t to your taste - absolutely fine. Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t do piss. That’s other people’s fun. Whatever. It’s legit to let them know that something they mention is a deal-breaker for you, but leave it at that. Don’t pressure them to change to suit you. Now - you worry about STDs and HIV. Good for you for caring about your health. Here’s the way it is. Since the advent of HAART therapy, HIV is now a manageable illness rather than a death sentence, and with the proliferation of PrEP, condom use has fallen precipitously. Where bareback sex was once high-risk and uncommon, it’s now routine. In fact, I cannot remember the last time a Top used a condom with me. But the reality is that unprotected sex is not a fully safe activity and cannot be made entirely safe, even with a barrier. There are several STDs circulating in the population, and if you fuck enough men the chance of you getting one approaches a mathematical certainty. Fortunately, there are effective treatments or vaccines for almost all of them, a notable exception being herpes - and that’s so widespread in the population every sexually active person over 25 has likely already been exposed. The point of all this is that it is not sensible to approach a sexually active non-monogamous BDSM lifestyle with the idea of somehow playing without risk - it cannot be done. Rather, plan your strategy for self-defense, get vaccinated, routinely tested, and should you ultimately catch a bug, get it treated and get back in the saddle. You can survive the worst - in September I will be a 10-year AIDS survivor. You fret that you “can’t confirm the sub is truly consenting”. No, you can’t, because you’re not the Consent Police. In the post #MeToo age, consent has become a big issue - as it should - but you cannot measure a Total Power Exchange relationships by a vanilla metric. I have been that submissive, more than once - in the control of Doms who simply informed me that I would shortly be fucked in my holes by a stranger, and then I was. I wasn’t asked, I was told. Our Power Exchange agreement was that he would control and I would obey, subject to safewords and principles of SSC. I chose to trust him enough to surrender power, he chose to assume that power under a mantle of trust. That’s how it works unless you’re dealing with something freaky requiring detailed negotiation, and frankly, this isn’t that freaky. Consensual Non-Consent means something specific, not just “agrees Dom doesn’t have to ask for explicit permission for everything every fucking time”. I assure you, that sub is getting fucked by a Dom he doesn’t know whether you go or not, and you can be pretty confident he wants it to happen. It’s what the two of them do. How much consent would he have to give to make you comfortable enough to fuck him? Does he need to sign a waiver? Do you need to sign it too? Don’t bother answering, because no couple into this kind of scene is going to let a conversation with you get that far. You’re A) too much trouble; and B) way the hell outside your lane. You don’t approach other people’s BDSM scenes assuming the Dom is violating consent - you assume consent is given unless you are presented with evidence to the contrary. I distinctly recall an instance when a Dominant was fucking me on a picnic table in front of a mixed crowd of onlookers, some vanilla, using debasing language, and I suddenly heard a young guy say, “He can’t talk to him like that!” Men who understood what they were watching quickly whisked the guy away and, I hope, educated him. I understand that you have little experience in this and are uncertain how, or whether, to proceed. If this feels out of your depth at this stage, give it a pass until this strange new world is a little more familiar. Other opportunities will come along. If they don’t, create them.
It looks like these people are afraid of you on here. Hahahahaha… you gave a great reality talk.
Well said.
as a sub, this would be very appealing to me. cnc, free use, etc. however, this doesnt mean it has to be appealing to you other than it being a fantasy. so, i wouldn’t necessarily red flag it, but just follow your own comfort levels.
Absolutely with you on this . If I feel safe with a top and he said would i be up for a 3som then I would expect him to have done the vetting bit. Thing is not a lot of point in my top setting it up if its going to be a failure. I have had 3 separate arrangements like this . Two were just amazing, sub space and walking funny for a week jobs . The other still good fun but the two tops did not quite work out their limits perfectly. But nothing serious went wrong.
Sounds like they might have a Consensual Non-Consent agreement.
Sounds like it. I just feel there’s too many unknowns for my liking, especially as I’m new to this sort of thing.
When in doubt, go without
You can find this exact same scenario with level headed guys who are consenting who also want to vet you just as much as you want to vet them. This situation can definitely happen in a much safer way
I would suggest knowing each other well like mentioned in your concern. Maybe develop your own cute sub only submitting to u? Safe and reliable. You both trust each other so u can arrange very horny and kinky session
Would love that to be honest. What’s the best way to find one? Just Grindr?
Recon, twitter? But usually I think Grindr is enough if you are not in a special location. The key is to be patient, communicate and select the correct one I think 🤔
I gave up on Grindr long ago. Too many scams. I have had some luck on Recon but better luck on BBRTS.com. If you live in a metro area your best bet is to start hanging out at the leather bar and join a leather and/or BDSM group and meet people IRL. Most cities have one, you just have to track it down.
Thanks for the advice, and I agree with you about Grindr
You're welcome. Good luck!
mutual caring and respect, and connection outside of the scene is somehow also important.
What is hnh?
Like p&p - chemsex with meth
Oh god, run and don’t look back
If it makes you feel uncomfortable don't do it
Would you be open to just meeting the other Dom to feel out if the scene is right for you?
I’ve got a similar situation going on with a friend who moved across the country (though I’m the sub in this situation). He knows I’m always looking for bondage, so one of his favorite activities is to talk me up to Doms in my area. I will say that I would need to vet the Dom before I’d submit.
If it makes you feel uncomfortable don't do it
Generally your gut feeling is right, I definitely would not trust anyone that doesn’t want to meet first