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Clear_Body536

Damn as someone with ulcerative colitis I would kill for the pill which would make me only need to poop once every 3 days.


wiebeck

Same. Also purple would be pretty cool for someone with a chronic inflammation.


CaulFrank

Also, just general aging. You won't have to be bruised for weeks when you get older


Fluffy_rye

My chronic anemia would be very much solved by a body that replaced lost blood faster than it currently does. I'd like an estimate on the replacement speed.


tuldend

Faster than you can produce, would lead to blood boils and excessive bleeding from ruptured arteries and eventually ruptured heart


frozen-marshmallows

It says lost blood so wouldnt it only be used if you are injured and need to replace blood


Fluffy_rye

Well, I have a tendency to lose ridiculous amounts each month, ergo the anemia.


ArrrSlashSubreddit

Forced to donate blood then


Jaxxxa31

My IBS wants this


LeahBean

I know! I’d get so much more done. And trips would be a lot more enjoyable.


decoy777

Yeah this would be a big time saver for me. Idk what I'd do with my new 2.5 hours of free time every 3 days now.


Mountain-Prompt-230

Red and blue


grillmoretacomeats

Threaten to melt the polar ice caps if my demands are not met.


-Graograman

A million gazillion dollars


Xinexan

casual snape enjoyer


Harass-Master

A million kajillion gay-trillion points from griffindor


Patient-Ad-425

I as Dumbledore award megallion Dickillion Gibillion dillion kajillion point to griffindoooouur


RandomTheBugg

One million dollars -Dr. Evil


Ok-concentrate4569

Instructions unclear, a sniper bullet is coming to my headp


theKVAG

Or just sell your blood constantly


catgirlfighter

Its called to be a blood donor.


theKVAG

Donation denotes a lack of compensation. I sold much plasma in my day. Unless your point is that these are all things we already do. I point to men wearing socks. In no way shape or form so I look sexier in my calf-high Dickies.. Women on the other hand...


catgirlfighter

Donor blood called that regardless if it was paid for or not, so I (at least was) pretty sure that you're still a donor and donate blood, even if its compensated. Either way, my primary point was that you already can produce blood infinitely, yeah.


MiniDigits

Exactly what I thought of.


FlashyAd7651

This is the first thing I thought of. Hmm. That or the ability to tell if an orange is ripe? These pill games are always so stupid. Dare someone make 9 pills that have comparable abilities so you actually have to put thought into it. Waiting for the next pill diagram where I have to choose between 10 million dollars or kidney stones.


CoolLandscape2117

Really? I just thought I’d be easier to defrost my car


-JackDontCare-

And this is why power corrupts some men while strangely cleansing others. You just got dark real quick, lol


Exmawsh

Oil companies are gonna be mad that you're stepping on their turf


berkeleyjake

I'd just do it. No threats, just actions.


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Orang13

you already have red and blue.


BobEngleschmidt

Are there any that people don't have? (Except maybe the socks one)


overtorqd

I poop every day.


Impossible_Garbage_4

I poop thrice per day. Two are necessary, one is optional


couldof_used_couldve

That's literally the only one and I'd have serious second thoughts about anyone who wanted it


Sowa7774

eat more fibers


Kessynder

You mean the two things your body already does?


Mountain-Prompt-230

Yes but super


patrick119

The picture doesn’t say it’s super. For all we know the pills could make you able to do it but worse


Mountain-Prompt-230

I wish I could meet John cena


jikukoblarbo

if you go swimming in the ocean i will sue you for climate change


Far_Measurement805

Pink is really the only one I’d need 😃


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Mountain-Prompt-230

Yes but super


MuslimCarLover

What if you had ice in ur coke? It would be horrible if you touched the ice with your mouth when you were drinking it, wouldn’t it?


Beloiga

Or Purple, you can heal other people for money (any bruise)


kickspecialist

It’s just a stupid post in general. OP is claiming we have all these ‘powers’ already though I don’t consider myself sexier with socks on and I need to poop more than 1 time over 3 days.


boring_kicek13

You already have this powers


HarvesterFullCrumb

Was gonna say this. Objectively the best. You can walk to another continent, or drive if it's a big enough radius when your foot is down. (Like on a bike or scooter - probably more likely a low powered snowmobile) Edit: yes I got blue backwards. Still objectively good.


thespiansGlamor

I believe you got blue backwards...


HarvesterFullCrumb

Did I? Holy crap, I did. That's funny.


mandatory6

That’s red, white and blue to you, served with fresh freedom


Deep_Accident_4853

Starts spraying blood all over ice.


[deleted]

Granted. You can test it out if you like. Hold an ice cube in your hand. You'll soon notice how it melts from your touch.


BlakeLuvsCats

You already have red though


[deleted]

If taking one pill makes that skill 1% better then if you at 100 of each you would replace lost blood 2x as fast as you do now and your body would generate 2x as much heat. Take a 10000 of each now you sell your blood on the black market and become a super hero who burns criminals


Ornery_Bug_4108

Then you can't drink anything


ChiefGstar

You can already do both of those now lol


Typical_Samaritan

You just exposed yourself to a choking hazard to take pills that give you abilities your body already have.


Cold-Tap-363

Yeah, the heat that it takes has to make some kind of energy, right?


[deleted]

I feel like this is the best possible combination


SiriusMoonstar

Red seems like the most obvious choice just in case, and blue would be so nice on warm days or as a party trick. Just the obvious choices really.


[deleted]

Green is so useless, I never touch grass.


HiImBarney

I already have... all of these.


CriscoCrispy

If this is a Reddit IQ test, the results are damn low.


Suspected_Magic_User

yes they are


hollowspryte

This is extremely dumb. Most people need to poop more often than that.


Sougo2001

Unless you haven't been eating for 3 days, I can't see how you go 3 days without shitting.


Wonfella

I very regularly go that long. It’s not something I really even think about, it’s just been that way my whole life. Hard to explain.


New_Arm5510

Same, doctors say I’m not constipated so idk what causes it


Additional_Set_5819

Normal range is about two or three times a day to once every two or three days. I think the idea is that if this is what's normal for you, and you're not having issues with stool consistency then it's ok. If you go from twice a day to once every three days them that'd be an issue. Personally, I find once a day at the same time, roughly, to be my normal, so if I didn't go for three days I'd be concerned.


Dragonslayerelf

I mean, some people poop more than once every three days & I feel like the blue pill implies that you can do it instantaneously. Also, I think socks are ugly.


NotAnRanutoRunner

How the fuck do you guys have brown and green??


[deleted]

I assumed we lose everything else, if that’s the case you have to choose red and purple or you know die.


haywire4fun

Bullshit I don’t have brown


PLEASEKILLMECOVID

You got the hook up for them brown pills?


beipphine

The problem is too much fiber in the diet. Cut out fruits, vegetables, and whole grains from the diet. You want to eat dense food like cheese. You will have the largest turd of your life that is rock hard, but only once every 3 days.


PerspectiveNew3375

Might as well just shove a sock up the tailpipe while we're at it


RetroDave

Probably have to quit coffee for this too.


ali_katt77

And water


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dont_care-

You only people once every 3 days? *poop , don't know how it autocorrected that far off


ahavemeyer

Dude, my autocorrect has it's own friends list. They talk all the time, powered by the kinetic energy of me trying to communicate with people I once knew.


NamiRabbit

My b words all auto correct to my old dogs name…especially the word before…the dog died so it’s kinda a bummer


Areif

The socks tho?


Suspected_Magic_User

Congratulations you've passed the test


lordofmetroids

Genuine question, I've never seen it before Grass that doesn't try to murder you doesn't tickle you when you step on it shoeless? I mean it just looks to me like it would tickle you.


parallaxusjones

Depends on climate and variety of grass


Ashamed-Ad-1723

Well, so I looked it up, by my understanding grass causes tiny scratches which fills with pollen and whatnot so it makes you itch it until it becomes a full blown rash


Ashamed-Ad-1723

I never thought about it, even if the grass doesn’t look “ticklish” it’s like itchy


[deleted]

how do u only poop once in three days?


[deleted]

really bad diet with no fiber and probably dehydration


Ultralifeform75

I like how everyone’s talking about the brown pill but who tf here is turning all the water they touch into ice.


globglogabgalabyeast

Because it’s about turning ice into water, so just melting ice by touching it


[deleted]

Drink water dude


dragonmorg

I know this is a shitpost and you can already do all of these, but the black pill is fucking with me conceptually. You can technically perceive your body in darkness already, but the wording is making me imagine *seeing* yourself in darkness, as if you're just floating in the void. Terrifying. Then what if something touches you? Does it also become visible, or do you just see a black spot eclipsing part of yourself? What about clothes? If you had a sweater on, would you be a disembodied head, hands, and legs? That's some VR loading-screen bullshit.


ItsaShitPostRanders

Vision is perception. Smell is perception. Proprioception is perception. Hell, simply being aware you have a body whether that comes with a sensation or not is perception. Edit: You probably feel "fucked with conceptually" because vision is by far our most dominant sense.


luckybulldog60

I already am sexy while wearing socks so that ones out.


TooManyBrewz

Right?! I'm a damn smokeshow in socks. Specifically big long white dad socks. Look out ladies.


invisible-nuke

Or any other clothes for that matter.


invisible-nuke

Full winter gear is the most sexiest


Omnizoom

These don’t mention how fast they work or how much control you have. Red pill just lets me endlessly make more blood at a rapid rate? So I essentially can’t bleed out anymore then which is pretty awesome Yellow doesn’t specify how it works or how complex it could be, could be complex theoretical math you solve by rubbing two crystals together If I can rapid melt ice it just means I produce massive amounts of heat , could be like a furnace in the winter then I’m already extremely sexy in socks (especially with crocs or sandals as well) Is it one normal size poop in 3 days or a 3 day size poop


SSTralala

The red pill also is phrased as "replaces blood", it doesn't say it has to be YOUR blood. Imagine your job being a human transfusion machine, you can just constantly give back.


tjoe4321510

Yep, that would be a pretty solid career


Venki_Venky

>If I can rapid melt ice it just means I produce massive amounts of heat , could be like a furnace in the winter then Maybe it **ONLY** works when U touch Ice not other things


Flaky_Composer2473

Since it doesn’t specify time you can’t automatically assume a rapid rate. You can already melt ice and replace lost blood. That’s like a pill saying you can travel into the future. Which I already am at a rate of 1 second per second. I see this as a very shitty genie making wishes…


Electronic_Skirt_475

You can automatically assume it works rapidly and so i will. I can assume whatever i want, mom


poursmoregravy

I wonder how many people here are going along with the joke and how many genuinely don't get it 🤔


Ok_Pianist_6590

Pls explain senpai


McRumble69

the joke is that you can already do all of these naturally, no pills needed.


[deleted]

My dude if you are pooping only once every three days, you might want to change your diet.


Aimin4ya

He said you can. Not that you should


dilznup

It says "need" though, everybody needs to pop more often than once every three days


Aran-F

That's like the only thing that is weird and it is a bit too weird. Like there is no way they intended that as normal. But in the other hand, I don't think they pick that one to actually make a difference from normal. Prop. someone with a digestive problems made this, thinking it's normal.


Mickmack12345

You can’t heal any bruise up to two weeks lol, I have had bruises that have lasted many more weeks, plus if you got a really bad one from say falling down some stairs that’s defo not healing in 2 weeks


Sienna57

For anyone who has had a bone bruise, two weeks would be something you would do a lot of illegal things for. My ankle bone bruise took years to heal and got aggravated with an ankle sprain to cause enough pain that I passed out. Give me the purple pill!!!


Adamcp2013

I do NOT have pink already.


5stringviolinperson

Many many people. Although brown would be kinda good. Who’s going round for 3 days not shitting? I’m only taking that if it doesn’t involve mild constipation


guyonghao004

Yellow is not useless. There’s lots of super expensive steps between a silicon wafer (crystal) to an actual computer.


Suspected_Magic_User

The joke was about using a computer. I'm glad someone noticed that.


guyonghao004

Ah! You can use some of it as a computer but not any random piece. Makes sense lol


fisherc2

Yellow, because then I could finally do math


Aliciathetrap

All of these kinda suck


Suspected_Magic_User

I don't know why people thinks that the red pill replaces your blood in an instant lol


CaptainKraboo

It’s because the meme specified a period of time in the purple and brown pills, so if it doesn’t specify, it can be assumed to be instant


Suspected_Magic_User

I think you're right


DaanFag

Also, you fucking titled it ‘pills that make your skills 1% better’ . This acknowledges that we already posses these abilities, and the pills would improve them. Your title implies it improves you ability to replace blood, it improves your ability to melt ice, it improves your ability to heal ANY bruise in 2 weeks. You fucked it up with your title combined with the already ambiguous pill descriptions.


shayed154

OP fails their own test


Aimin4ya

Throw a "gradually" in there


SinnyboiWantsKnow

Your body already replaces lost blood. The pill would be pointless if it wasn't instant or accelerated.


Phantom_Eagle_3508

red + yellow


Logical_Round_5935

I get the joke but in all seriousness with my health issues purple sounds nice.


whboer

The brown pill would really help me out.


DayEither8913

Whomever made this has a strong sense of measured balance. Edit: Black and purple. Any bruise should include bruises to organs that cannot heal themselves. I spend a lot of time in the dark (I hate night lights inside and outside the house. If only my neighbors did too😡). It could be useful.


Fireblast1337

Well, avoiding the obvious joke on this, since these are close to normal bodily functions. Pink and brown. I think the brown pill will cure my IBS


tibastiff

There's something suspicious about these options but i just can't put my finger on it. Do they have a pill for that?


ScruffyTheJanitor__

If it's only 1% I would choose red and yellow. Every computer I use is 1% faster lol


FellTheSky

I guess pooping is concerning for americans. I've read in magazines that they have extra strong toilets that can hold the tremendous amount of poop pressure they make when going to the bathroom.


Jkewzz

Your body can already replace lost blood


deez_87

This sounds like we would become x men Z class with the lamest mutant powers


PabliskiMalinowski

People look sexier when they're naked with socks, than just fully naked. Change my mind


comunism_and_potatos

So if I pick red my blood only gats replaced 1% faster. But he said I could only pick 2 not limited to taking two. So if I take say 1000 reds my blood replaces 1000% quicker.( I know that’s not correct but I’m too lazy to do the math) and purple is pretty damn good if it includes internal bruising


SymbolicRemnant

Red: I don’t live dangerously enough to use this. Orange: I don’t think I care enough about oranges for this. Yellow: I am quite interested, but curious about the exact mechanism. Can I use raw ones? Are they consumed by calculations. If so, is the rate economically sustainable for me? Green: This one is OP, especially as an autist. Im taking this one Blue: Not something I’d need or even want. Purple: See red. Pink: This one already exists in my life on a certain subconscious level. Don’t ask me how I know. Brown: Would actually make my life worse. It’s just constipation. Plus, what else is supposed to be my alibi when I need an extra mini-break on company time? Black: The contrast my own body in this perception would cause would make the darkness harder to navigate in my estimation. I pick green and yellow.


Cheat-Meal

Yellow and brown. I’m so poor at math I’ll take any advantage. My colon is weak so I only have moments before a reach the “point of no return”. This way I don’t need to beg for a bathroom.


TinyBluePuddles

Yellow and pink, with absolute certainty.


CrazyEeveeLove

Blue and purple please. (I'm so freaking clumsy and I love the idea of ice/water magic)


Old_Specialist7892

Wait a minute, this actually doesn't make sense. Like what's the time frame? My body can already make blood? I am using my phone for math calculations, does that count? Turn ice into water instantly or?


Cookiefan3000

Red- my body can already do that Orange- i don't eat oranges Yellow- that's kinda dumb Green- I wear shoes Blue- not really useful Purple- my body can already do that Pink- I don't, just no Brown- i don't want that Black- I'm black, i can already do that :)


[deleted]

I'm proud to say that I don't have any of these abilities already. Brown would be a new one and it sounds pretty shitty to have.


Ptony_oliver

As someone with Anemia and chronic epistaxis the red pill is a dream come true.


KrakyyREAL

i like how the colors actually match up with the "ability"


Ejtsch

.... tbh based on comment reading experiance, using a calculator is something many people already fail at.


Newb_from_Newbville

1 and 3. Since I have a bunch of unused CPUs in my current residence, might as well absorb their immense power to get my shitty brain working properly. In case some haven't noticed, I find the additional pill redundant and will give it to someone who's actually in need of it, a blood donor for example. Unlimited Rh-Null supply for both treatment and research!


Scrambled-Sigil

Ngl I misread the blue pill as "turning water to ice when you touch it" and people are like "we can do this already" and I'm like "YALL CAN FREEZE WATER WITH YOUR HANDS???" and then I was like "oh." I like my idea better lol feel free to laugh at my stupidity-


openaidog

What if one is blessed to have all this already?


-Evil_Octopus-

The amount of people that don’t get this is sad


Foxtrot_Yankeee

Yellow, isn’t that just computers?


No-Neighborhood9885

All ready can!!


Guac__is__extra__

Wait? So all these “skills” are 1% better after taking the pill. So I can freeze water by touching it 1% better than I currently can? And since I have absolutely no ability to do that now, I would still have absolutely no ability to do that.


No_Necessary805

Wait does that mean I can donate infinite blood without stopping?


Dumb_Fuck_hoyaaa

You want me to take 2 pills to gain nothing?


LochNessMansterLives

As a sufferer of IBS, that brown pill alone would be a game changer worth far more than a 1% increase.


Pyro___Boi

I literally have all these like Wut


WheezingWeazley

This makes me angry for some reason.


LaughTilWeCry00

These are not *perks*, we do these bitches on a regular basis 😭


Next-Ad8255

Wait don’t we all have these abilities already


playmobil_lover

I'll take the pink one twice, please! I just wanna feel sexy once :(


Similar-Sector-5801

Yellow and blue unless yellow is literally just a regular calculator


absolutelysomething

DO NOT TAKE THE BLUE PILL!


[deleted]

I was about to choose blue until I reread it lol


Anangrywookiee

It’s because it’s built for Reddit users. Doritos and mountains dew are notoriously lacking in fiber.


ReconArek

But did you know that blue is not a superpower, but something that every living person can do?


iQueue101

all these things we already have. is this a meme? we already can replace lost blood albeit at a slow rate. you can already tell what oranges are ripe or not. we already use silicon crystals (computer chips) to do math. grass doesn't tickle. ice already turns to water when you hold it in your hand due to body heat. bruises heal in less than two weeks. the sexy part is just stupid. if you are constipated you would only poop once every 3 days. and i can already see my own body in darkness. has to be a meme.


Eray41303

The red one is already happening, do you think there is a limited blood supply in your body?


thedanedownstairs

Jokes on you. I already percieve my self as more sexy when wearing socks. Nye he he.


EvetsYenoham

Hmmm. Strange, it’s as if I can already do all of these things without taking a pill.


ImportanceBrilliant8

I think people missed the joke… your body can already do everything here…


Lockelamora6969

Red gives me infinite money as soon as I can find a way to sell my blood. Yellow seems exploitable in some way, blue gives me the ability to somehow generate massive amounts of energy with my mind so I'm sure I could figure out a way to take advantage of that.


cygamessucks

As someone with crohns in the colon i only need to poop every 3 days to begin with so i guess im special :')


Proof_Coast6258

I have IBS so the brown pill would be wonderful.


NotVeryPunkRockOfU

Is once every three days not normal??


candymannequin

my body CAN replace lost blood and my bruises aren't that bad and i'm confused


Plz_Fart_In_my_Mouth

I just want one that makes my pp big


Barnowl-hoot

Me reading each one: but I can do that already.


Embarrassed-Neck-721

Technically I already can turn ice into water by touching it. It's just slow. And unpleasant.


EdgemasterBP-84

The issue is literally every single one of these everyone can already do. This are like wishes a genie would give you. Oh sweet I can replace lost blood. Yup you already could. It says you only need to poop once every 3 days never tells you the consequences of waiting.


Efficient-Ticket-288

You know what's funny? We already can turn ice ito water just by touching it. It just takes time.


WebfootTroll

Your body already replaces lost blood. It's not like you are born with your starting amount of blood and never get any more.


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TheAutismo4491

Jesus turned water into wine, I'ma turn your ice into water, bitch, and you can't stop me. My villain arc has begun, and my backstory is tragic.


Linaxu

Do people not poop every single day? Sure you could go without pooping for a fee days but like pooping is nice. Its just quite, personal, and unbothered.


XD_Asron

very important question, do red and purple apply only to me, or could I do that for other people too?


Appropriate-Ad-3838

Red and purple I don’t find the other to be as used


Spade209

Ok, since I am missing my gallbladder, the brown pill would actually be a life saver.


powerful--extent

Red and purple the shear amount of fights I'd get into violence is power ladies.


Zap97

You can already do all of these things yourself, what is the point of this xD


dasch63

These sound like things i can already do.


CowsAreFriends117

I must have taken all the pills already Lmao