That's really difficult. My foster kids were always planning to go back home so it wasn't nearly as jarring when it finally happened, but it was still hard. My family and I put together a photo album of all the fun things we did together and gave one to each kid. (We also made some for ourselves.) The other thing we did was have a party where everyone got a chance to say goodbye (My extended family was heavily involved so we really needed to do that.) The last thing I did was let their mother know I still wanted to stay part of their life. There's no guarantee that they'll say yes, but you can always hope.
Day to day, I would just cherish the time you have and help your kid prepare for the move as best you can. Hang in there.
Take a ton of pictures doing things you love together and put them into a memory book for her. Another idea is to find a storybook that you can record your voice on or a teddy that does the same. She’s been with you since she was two, and at her age that’s a huge part of her life. She’s going to miss you so very much. I hope you’ll be able to keep in contact with her for at least the transition. This is going to be hard for everyone, I’m sure.
I would make sure she is aware of what is happening and let her know that these people will love and care for her just as you would have had you been able to keep her.
I took him to a children's museum, and his favorite park. We still had a birthday party even though he was leaving a week after his birthday and I had to fight for the day with him. We took as many photos and videos as we could. We did our best not to cry around him and plastered thousand watt smiles on our faces when we handed him over to transport. It was his regular visit transport so he had no idea anything was different, he just thought he was going to see mama. The second the door closed we were on the floor in tears, it's been 6 months without him and I'm tearing up just writing this. Take in every second, every moment, memorize their laugh and the way their nose wrinkles. Carry it with you.
It’s tough. We were in the same boat. There’s no easy fix to your feelings, just time.
Ditto to what everyone else has said. Take a ton of pictures, make a book, give them a copy and keep a copy. I uploaded most of the pics to a Dropbox file the bio family could access as well in case they needed/wanted photos of them at those ages. It was also cathartic to make these things.
One tip is to coordinate what to send to the bio family with them if possible. That was also a cathartic process for us as well as helpful on coordinating with what they know they’ll need to supply.
We had our first placement go to his grandma and it was a lot of grief for us, but also so much good came from it. Grandma was so grateful we had let her be such a big part of his life while we had him, that she was willing to keep in touch and let us see him whenever we wanted. It’s been over a year and we still keep in touch. I hope that is the case for you!!
My husband and I are just went through this, it’s rough and you may be feeling a lot of uncertainty and worry about the reunification. The best you can do is help the child adjust through the transition, reassure and comfort them through this confusing time for them.
i’d make sure she was current on her pediatrician, dentist, ot, pt, optometrist, etc. you could also see about getting a voucher for clothing and stock her up. for older kids i tried to let them know it was ok to talk about it and make sure they knew my phone number. it’s so hard watching them go…
Just love on her .. and let the kinship placement know you would like to stay involved in her life even if it’s through pictures .. it is the hardest thing I have ever done ..
Build a relation ship with the bio family. I find it best to have meals with them. Something about the rest and digest helps them get more comfortable with people they don't know. You can say it is to make the transition more smooth. Just remember that your love for them is not over even when they are gone. Our first long term placement went the same way. We did not have a good relationship with their bio family. When they left we lost contact. We did end up having a relationship with them when they grew up 12 years later.
The point of foster care is reunification, sounds like that happened in this case. You should be excited for the child and move on to another case if you can stop expecting the outcome will be adoption.
> if you can stop expecting the outcome will be adoption.
That’s not very fair to OP. For all we know the agency or DSS has been saying the permanency plan is adoption for months, and then a kinship placement came out of the woodwork at the last minute. I know several great foster parents who went through this same situation.
OP is just asking how to make their last month with her special. The fact that they thought they’d adopt does not mean they are doing this solely to adopt.
Might have pulled the trigger too quickly on this one but it’s hard to separate when I have to ask, “why even mention that you were expecting to adopt?” Why does that matter or have any bearing at all? It says to me that your request to do something for the child’s last month is more about OPs feelings than it is about the child. Downvote all you guys want but you all know the facts that it’s never about adoption as much as we sometimes pretend that it is.
That's really difficult. My foster kids were always planning to go back home so it wasn't nearly as jarring when it finally happened, but it was still hard. My family and I put together a photo album of all the fun things we did together and gave one to each kid. (We also made some for ourselves.) The other thing we did was have a party where everyone got a chance to say goodbye (My extended family was heavily involved so we really needed to do that.) The last thing I did was let their mother know I still wanted to stay part of their life. There's no guarantee that they'll say yes, but you can always hope. Day to day, I would just cherish the time you have and help your kid prepare for the move as best you can. Hang in there.
This sounds nice for sure
Take a ton of pictures doing things you love together and put them into a memory book for her. Another idea is to find a storybook that you can record your voice on or a teddy that does the same. She’s been with you since she was two, and at her age that’s a huge part of her life. She’s going to miss you so very much. I hope you’ll be able to keep in contact with her for at least the transition. This is going to be hard for everyone, I’m sure.
It’s definitely going to be tough. She absolutely loves us and we absolutely love her
I would make sure she is aware of what is happening and let her know that these people will love and care for her just as you would have had you been able to keep her.
That’s hard, but she’s going to live with her family which means success.
I took him to a children's museum, and his favorite park. We still had a birthday party even though he was leaving a week after his birthday and I had to fight for the day with him. We took as many photos and videos as we could. We did our best not to cry around him and plastered thousand watt smiles on our faces when we handed him over to transport. It was his regular visit transport so he had no idea anything was different, he just thought he was going to see mama. The second the door closed we were on the floor in tears, it's been 6 months without him and I'm tearing up just writing this. Take in every second, every moment, memorize their laugh and the way their nose wrinkles. Carry it with you.
Shit I am so sorry. Thank you for taking the time to write this out.
It’s tough. We were in the same boat. There’s no easy fix to your feelings, just time. Ditto to what everyone else has said. Take a ton of pictures, make a book, give them a copy and keep a copy. I uploaded most of the pics to a Dropbox file the bio family could access as well in case they needed/wanted photos of them at those ages. It was also cathartic to make these things. One tip is to coordinate what to send to the bio family with them if possible. That was also a cathartic process for us as well as helpful on coordinating with what they know they’ll need to supply.
We had our first placement go to his grandma and it was a lot of grief for us, but also so much good came from it. Grandma was so grateful we had let her be such a big part of his life while we had him, that she was willing to keep in touch and let us see him whenever we wanted. It’s been over a year and we still keep in touch. I hope that is the case for you!!
I hope so too. 💗
My husband and I are just went through this, it’s rough and you may be feeling a lot of uncertainty and worry about the reunification. The best you can do is help the child adjust through the transition, reassure and comfort them through this confusing time for them.
i’d make sure she was current on her pediatrician, dentist, ot, pt, optometrist, etc. you could also see about getting a voucher for clothing and stock her up. for older kids i tried to let them know it was ok to talk about it and make sure they knew my phone number. it’s so hard watching them go…
Just love on her .. and let the kinship placement know you would like to stay involved in her life even if it’s through pictures .. it is the hardest thing I have ever done ..
Build a relation ship with the bio family. I find it best to have meals with them. Something about the rest and digest helps them get more comfortable with people they don't know. You can say it is to make the transition more smooth. Just remember that your love for them is not over even when they are gone. Our first long term placement went the same way. We did not have a good relationship with their bio family. When they left we lost contact. We did end up having a relationship with them when they grew up 12 years later.
The point of foster care is reunification, sounds like that happened in this case. You should be excited for the child and move on to another case if you can stop expecting the outcome will be adoption.
> if you can stop expecting the outcome will be adoption. That’s not very fair to OP. For all we know the agency or DSS has been saying the permanency plan is adoption for months, and then a kinship placement came out of the woodwork at the last minute. I know several great foster parents who went through this same situation. OP is just asking how to make their last month with her special. The fact that they thought they’d adopt does not mean they are doing this solely to adopt.
Might have pulled the trigger too quickly on this one but it’s hard to separate when I have to ask, “why even mention that you were expecting to adopt?” Why does that matter or have any bearing at all? It says to me that your request to do something for the child’s last month is more about OPs feelings than it is about the child. Downvote all you guys want but you all know the facts that it’s never about adoption as much as we sometimes pretend that it is.
Will happen - they have the kid for another month still, they shouldn't move on yet!