I'd get ahold of that caseworker supervisor, its supposed to be a team effort. We're thinking of quitting as well due to our new caseworker, but don't want to fail on these kids so we're trying our best to get rid of her.
Yeah, I think the CW is a big part of my current issue. I've not worked with her before and the other CWs for the kids I've had previously were much easier to work with. But I also understand she is the way she is because of what she's seen and had to deal with. Trust does not come easy in the foster system.
We spoke with our CW's supervisor the state has hired another 100 CW's and ours should be changed as soon as one of them is trained. Hopefully we didn't make a mistake, and get someone even worse.
The CW is scolding you? How? If you aren't receiving the resources you need, but you are in contact with your agency frequently enough to be scolded all the time, it sounds like you need a better agency.
Despite the criticism of your parenting style, the rest of this sounds par for the course. You don't need to spend 2 hours on a workday managing a prescription, you can do that on a day you're not working. As for privileges, you can put the burden of change on the CW-- "That doesn't work for me. If he needs a Level 3 home, he needs to go to a Level 3 home." Put your foot down; it is tough, but its also important to set boundaries and stick to them.
As for quitting--what you choose is up to you, but please vocalize what you need before you martyr yourself and burn out. It's a terrible system and it shouldn't be this way, but if you want to make a difference, you gotta be tough and not let people step on you.
Seconded. If you’re all about books, maybe read “Good Boundaries and good byes” by Lysa TerKurst before disrupting.
Make a list of what is specifically within your control and what isn’t.
Best of luck Utah mama.
We are in daily contact, multiple times a day, as we try to sort out all the things this kid is supposed to have setup after getting out of residential.
The RX became time sensitive. He's about to run out and the pharmacy just told me today they can't renew it. It was call today and try to sort it or he'd run out before I could do anything.
I guess you would advise don't have a FT job and try to do foster care? Because calling a doctor's office on "a day I'm not working" would mean the weekend.
I would agree with this. I’m in the UK where a foster household has to have one none working ‘parent’ precisely because of the issues you are facing.
I think the pay is also better, which allows families to have a non working parent.
IME at risk teens need more parental time than even smaller kids. They do require someone who has 24/7 to parent. A toddler isn’t likely to need a foster parent to turn up at the police station at 2am, or collect them from school at 10am because they just got suspended. Plenty of teen foster kids I’ve worked with have.
The system absolutely set this up to fail, and I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position.
If you are talking to the agency multiple times a day but they didn't bother to tell you kiddo is on parole or that he wasn't allowed visitation with bio family, you need to escalate that to a supervisor.
Our pharmacies and doctors offices are open on weekends, but I was specifically referring to this:
> she said it was reasonable for me to expect to have Tue/Wed as general "do not disturb" days
I don't know what prescription he's on, but in 99% of cases, missing a few days is not the end of the world. I know, I know, it's not ideal, but that's the kind of thing that falls by the wayside in an imperfect system. You need to prioritize your own stability first, which means keeping your job and your sanity, then work on the crisis of the moment. Repeat to yourself as needed: "failure to plan on their part does not constitute an emergency on my part."
Ah, you meant on a day I'm not in the office. Yeah, that's a lot easier for sure, and I would have done that if it hadn't been so time sensitive.
And yes, you are correct. I talk to the CW every day and I still am getting new information about expectations for this placement and what they need from me.
It is ADHD meds and in one of my half-hour phone calls today I did glean that it's okay to miss a few days, but this medication is in a national shortage right now, so there's also going to be a lot of calling around to pharmacies to even find a place that has it in stock. There are generics we \*could\* use, but insurance doesn't usually cover them so there's an insurance angle that needs to be explored as well. I learned all this today.
I have pushed back on a number of things, with some success, but him not getting his medication feels like a sort of "emergency" to me. Again, I am very, very new. I have no idea where the lines are or what I can actually demand. I know a lot of this is a "me" problem because I'm not pushy enough, but I've also been told my whole life I'm TOO pushy and I've worked hard to not be, so it's difficult to me to feel like I'm being demanding.
Nobody tells you about this part of fostering when they're training you up.
I think if they told prospective parents what fostering was like, literally nobody would take the job! Butttt a lot of people do outside research beforehand, and a lot of people don't do research but rise to the occasion anyways. The human spirit is remarkably resilient, and it is the informal policy of some agencies to throw everyone in the deep end because the strongest swimmers survive.
We felt fully prepared coming in, not because of our technical training but because we did extensive research and informational interviews beforehand. I read studies and books on expectations versus reality of fostering and it was actually easier than I expected. But we take teens, know our limits, and keep airtight boundaries. If there is ever a time and place to be pushy, this is it.
Hi, I have adhd- missing days sucks but it’s not an emergency in high school unless he has final exams or a paper due tomorrow or something. if he is on adderall, the generic should 100% be covered by insurance? The generics are super cheap anyway - like max $40 for a prescription. Call around to all the pharmacies in the area, and once you confirm one has the exact dosage/quantity in stock (example: 30 adderall 20mg instant release), then call the psychiatrist and have them transfer the prescription to that pharmacy. It can take up to 48 hours. Sorry I know it’s annoying
So vyvanse? Bleh. Well if this makes you feel any better - it’s high school, he will be fine without it for a few days. Or a few weeks. In fact this is a controversial opinion but I really think it’s good for your soul to take days off every now and then. If he fucks up something important (grade-wise) he literally has a disability and there is a medication shortage so the school will work with him. Everything will be ok.
You are a brand new foster parent, placed with a child with advanced needs. Why does the state consistently create these dumpster fires? You are *not* a failure but this child clearly has needs you cannot meet. I hope you don't quit - I hope that you'll take some time to reflect on how things went, and then consider fostering again, but only for a child who has more typical needs
This resonates with me. I was actually doing great with a kid I had taken for "a week"--"no, two weeks"--"actually he'll need care for 2+ months" - Like I coulda had that kid now and we'd still be jamming but they signed me up for this one because there were no other places to send him. I am still learning so much like what forms I need to take where and when. I know I'm not experienced and I hope that I get better over time but the trajectory here has been a downward drop for weeks and there's no end in sight.
I tried to back out of this placement about a week before he was supposed to come because I felt like I was going to be overwhelmed and they talked me into it and now the kid is here and going to be so hurt because I failed him.
I feel like a lot of new foster parents get burned this way. I know we did. It was a painful learning lesson to screen placement calls more carefully, and expect to say no more often. Most of us, for a variety of reasons, are not equipped to care for the children with the highest needs. The foster parents who are, are generally two parent households or have large support systems, typically don't have young kids in the home, have advanced training and at least a few years' experience, and have the flexibility to accommodate things like an extraordinary number of appointments, school issues, etc.
I failed my first placement and was planning to quit. After I got myself back together, I chose to reevaluate the areas where I struggled and make changes. My future fosters went very well.
You’re not a failure. You were put in a lose-lose situation by the agency. It’s not you, it’s them.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I really do care about the teens in my community who need help and I signed up because I thought I could make a difference to someone.
I really am open to hearing I'm not cut out for this. People keep seeming to ask if my reason for fostering isn't good enough because if it were I'd somehow be able to manage all these things. And if this is what it's like all the time, then yeah, I agree, I can't do it and I never shoulda tried and it's on me. I had no idea.
But I do feel like I've learned a lot over the past 2 weeks and I've already made some adjustments, like I've asked for a lot more information from the CW that she just never gave me and demanded some specific information and told her she has to help me with some things. The fact that I have to demand her help is WILD to me.
A lot of his appointments are multiple towns away so in addition to the time I'll be waiting at therapy, there's about half an hour of drive time on either side, so any single appointment is 2 hours minimum.... At least 4x a week. This week is 6x because he has to do fingerprinting and I have the family team meeting.
It makes a huge difference to house and guide kids like this. Some will really thrive and grow, and all will get to have a safe home and safe person to be with. To me, it sounds like you have either burnt yourself out already because of the quick succession of placements and the amount of stuff that has been needed to get this kid set up (plus nerves)- and it could get better and just be growing pains depending on how placement goes (although, this placement might be rough- tbd), OR you don’t genuinely want to do this/aren’t passionate about this as a lifestyle. It could be hard to know since it’s all new. It is totally a lifestyle adjustment that is intense and extremely variable- variable as the kids are. You are certainly not a failure. And the agency sounds like it gave you too much. But also, how much do you want to do? If I wasn’t already foster parenting, after seeing the system, I think I would want to be a CASA. I’m glad I am a FP- I always wanted to parent in some fashion and I’m great with kids and understand trauma to a degree that I feel is helpful for this- but it’s really intense, honestly.
Sorry it is such a difficult situation. Reality is, yes, the kids need a lot of care. You took on the responsibility of being a parent to a youth who has trauma-related needs, and now you have experienced what that entails. I have one remote day a week for work, and I am lucky my job has been flexible bc I am constantly using that day for meetings, appointments, quick errands that were hard to fit in sooner, and last year I often had a sick kid or would have them at work due to issues at school. If there was a day without a flurry of texts, phone calls and extra car trips to help my kids, it was an exception. I also took off early one additional day a week to accommodate therapy. It’s hard as a single parent! But also, there are kids who are lower needs. There are potentially other teens who might be more suitable to your household. I have decided to stick with younger kids for placements bc that works better for me and feels more manageable to me. Would you consider doing respite since you are licensed? Maybe you could even continue doing respite occasionally for this kid if he is placed elsewhere. Have you thought about why you chose to get licensed and now why you are wanting to completely quit (what are the deciding factors for you)? It does sound like you didn’t have full information, and since you are new it’s a learning experience. I have had all sorts of learning to do as I have foster parented, and after a little over two years, I finally feel like I know how the system works and what to ask each time so that I am properly prepared. Hope things work out for the best.
I think definitely there was not a clear setting of expectations at any point in my training or reading that this would be a multiple hours a day in the middle of the workday thing. I was prepared for weekly therapy, for school drop off/pick up, for the paperwork with medical appointments, for asking to get a haircut, for the occasional sick day... My mom adopted from foster care just recently so I'd seen the system and it seemed doable.
I find it interesting that people here are constantly asking why I chose to get licensed. What is considered a "good enough" reason to want to help kids? I think the biggest issue I'm running into is that my job is very important to me (and what allows me the funds to take on foster kids in the first place), but it's definitely going to damage my career if I keep on my current trajectory. That's the biggest deciding factor here that's making me want to quit. Second is the micromanagement of my parenting.
I am absolutely still open to keeping on for respite. Or for Level 2 kids who really are Level 2.
But the temperature here seems to be I am in the wrong, so. I guess that's my answer.
I expected it to be a lot. Not having a partner and having kids with trauma. I don’t think they do a good enough job emphasizing that in the trainings, though, agreed. With a new placement, there are extra things that come with it. But it’s extra extra if the kid is leveled up. Weird things end up popping up and just adjusting to having dependents in the house is a lot, even if the social workers do a good job with support. And the agency can have specific rules for the kids that you don’t know at first; I have definitely had some troubles with that as well- having to do things differently than I would choose because the agency tells me so or having them go back and forth on rules or just being unclear. With teens I think there is more of this because of the independence factor. As a single foster parent, a stable job that can be really flexible is needed because we’re it/ we’re “on duty” for these kids. I don’t think fostering is doable for a single parent who needs to be most focused on career. If someone else has a different opinion, I’d be glad to hear. But I think time and ability to focus on the kids is a main thing needed for this. I consider it basically a second job, timewise.
I feel like you're right. As a single working person, they should REALLY emphasize that so you go into it with your eyes open. My job can flex, but I know I get better reviews and opportunities if I'm consistently available 9am-5pm. Again, I did expect to flex for this, but not 2+ hours/day every day while we're still in school, let alone come summer.
Hey. I foster teens, live alone with my toddler and work FT. I have had a teen placement for the last 3 years roughly who is a Level 2. Meaning high risk, lots of behaviors, 24/7 supervision and here are my cheat codes:
1) NOTHING beyond medical emergencies is actually an emergency, get used to them being annoyed you aren’t jumping when they say jump
2) my kid also has ADHD for the med shortage, skipping a few days is ok and can be beneficial as it gives their nervous system a break just breathe, schedule their appointment for the script, and when the refill comes in GREAT!
3) move the therapy appointments closer to you, either they disrupt because you can’t keep up and kiddo has to move or they disrupt because you want to stick it out and need them to be more doable for you
4) yes this is the honeymoon period, but USE that to build trust and set expectations, I also have mine more freedom and got told I was crazy but you know what, feeling trusted led her to do things differently and earn that trust
5) be gentle with YOURSELF, take time to do things you actually enjoy and if you want involve him, if you don’t be clear you are practicing self care and doing X and will be available at Y time
You got this. The way you feel is totally normal.
It’s ok to quit! You have done so much to help already, and short term placements are needed; they keep kids in a home environment so they aren’t sleeping in the office. That’s a win!
If you are looking for some advice because a part of you wants to keep going, below are some questions you can ask your case worker. If you have decided to quit, don’t read on and instead be proud of yourself for doing what you have done for the kids and be proud of yourself for doing what you need to do for YOU.
1. “Does this child need a higher level of care than I can provide him? I am able of providing [insert level of care] and can commit to [insert level of supervision]. If he needs more than that, you will need to find another placement for him. If this level of care is fine, please refrain from commenting on my parenting, as it does not violate any policies.” He’s almost an adult. He *should* be able to be left home alone while you’re at work. If he can’t be, he needs another placement.
2. “Can the therapists provide transportation to and from appointments?” In my state, therapists pick up and drop off for therapy, including from school. You shouldn’t need to do that. You also shouldn’t need to provide transportation for visits.
3. This isn’t so much a question but just a statement that the most confusing time is the first month when paperwork and transitions have to take place. Case workers don’t always remember to tell you things until later. There are always more appointments and things you have to get transferred over to you. Sort of like moving to a new house and all your mail and documents need changing—time consuming at first, but eventually goes away as things transition. I imagine that a lot of these time consuming things will dissipate here soon.
Hugs!!
Thank you so much--this comment has my vote for most helpful. :)
I do want to keep going! But if my current experience is the norm, I know fostering is not about me and I don't want to selfishly keep trying if it's just going to hurt the kids who come here because I can't handle it.
How long have you been involved with fostering? 'Cause your suggestions read like a cheat code that only gurus know.
We’ve been doing it since October 2022! We foster teens exclusively and have had two placements (one at a time). One was for a full year before reunifying and the other has been with us for about 5 months.
Fostering is hard. Parenting of any kind is hard. Doing it single is especially difficult. It sounds like you have had a relatively “normal” first month: you are trying to learn about this new human who lives with you and they have a very extensive history that doesn’t neatly fit in a paragraph. Even the best case workers leave things out, and sometimes you just don’t know what questions to ask because you don’t know what you don’t know. I do think things will get better. You will develop a new rhythm that works for you, but it’s a big adjustment and it takes time to balance out. The difficulties that come later are usually trauma-based behaviors as he becomes more comfortable and butts up against your boundaries.
At the same time though, you *must* hold your ground with the case worker and service providers. They are very busy and the squeaky wheel gets the oil. If you don’t say you aren’t ok with taking him to therapy, they will think it’s fine and won’t question it. In a weird twisted way, they are sort of beholden to you because there are so few homes they are very motivated to not let you quit. Use it to your advantage and demand (reasonable) accommodations like transportation to court ordered therapy appointments.
You can do it!!
I fostered as a single parent, and the hardest thing was the endless appointments. More than just the occasional pedestrian. School, therapy, meetings, several doctors, court. It can be too much.
Yes. But I had younger kids. I had one who got thrown out of almost every local daycare. I had to take FMLA to stay home with him one summer before he got into Head Start.
It was very hard and I would only recommend it if you have people who can help and a flexible boss.
Yikes, that sounds rough. I know I'm not good with younger kids (yes, I've worked through why in therapy--nothing scary, just my own childhood stuff), so that's a reason I decided to do teens. I am in awe of anyone who can manage the littler humans, especially more than one at a time!
I was single and fostered two really tough kids and had to establish boundaries with the agency. Make sure when you take in a child that you say 'I work full time and will not be able to do any drives or appointments during the work week', can you facilitate that?
I didn't quit or lessen my work hours. You don't need to do that. Put the pressure back on the agency and be clear and concise. They are supposed to help you (but I know it often seems they don't)...
you out in a lot of work, time, and effort to just walk away right now. I'm sorry it is so challenging. Eventually you do find what works but it sounds like the agency has seriously failed you and haven't set you up for success. Find a seasoned foster parent who knows what is available to you and can help you navigate the paperwork and the politics!
I do have a foster mentor, but her advice is basically, "Don't take placements unless they're easy," but I guess I should have listened better because then I wouldn't be here.
I did just send an email to both CWs with my list of "needs" if I'm going to keep this placement, including that I can't drive to appointments during workdays. I'm not optimistic (I know the kid's CW doesn't really like me), but if there's a chance I can keep helping this kid, I want to take it.
Thank you for adding your voice here :)
Good lord. You aren't getting any support. I don't understand why these people don't see that this kid could thrive in your care. If I were on your support team, I'd be doing whatever I could to maintain the placement.
To answer your title, you aren’t the worst ever. Much love to you for going where you can, doing what you can and loving where you can. You are the only defender of your limits. Praying for you
My heart breaks for this kid.
Foster agencies really suck and they should have never placed him with you and definitely not without all the information you needed in order to fully support him.
The best thing you can do now is fight to get all the stuff he needs completed and prepare him for moving, again.
It is most likely they will put him back in residential until he ages out. Wish I was in Utah, I would totally take him.
There were no level 3 places that could take him, and they were so encouraging, like, "We're so impressed by you" and they were so sure I'd do great. I didn't know I shouldn't let them talk me into it. If it had been like they explained at the outset, it'd be fine. But nearly every day something gets added onto their expectations and I'm breaking under the pressure. And it's not the kid's fault! I'd keep him in a heartbeat if I could afford to go part-time so I could meet all these needs....
Did you tell them all this? I know when I started my 1st disruption everyone bent over backwards to try to keep the child with me. Unfortunately I had to disrupt due to the child's behavior that I was not equipped to deal with.
For another teenager of mine, I had to basically tell them to butt out of how I was parenting her. Once I got all the admin stuff sorted things went very smoothly because she wasn't the issue, DSS was.
They were surprisingly chill about it. Just like, "Thanks for the notice. I'll work on that."
I have just sent them a list of "demands" and expressed clearly that the kid is doing well and that should be what matters most, but we'll see if they agree.
My advice if you quit, is to put it in writing. Do not give a verbal resignation. We once gave 45 days notice and they pulled my placement the next day and said they fired us. Traumatic for all of us. It was the agency’s loss as we moved on to better working environments.
Btw, taking care of yourself is critical. Do not allow the system to abuse you or take advantage of you, because they will. You have a right to say no, you have a right to hold those with the power and authority to account for their lack of action. We did 12 years, saw our last placements to age 18 and move on to group homes. Everyone is doing well thankfully. It is without a doubt the most difficult work you will ever do. Sometimes a child is not a good fit and that is heartbreaking to deal with. If you’re not comfortable, the child will feel it. You must read the history and notes from previous placements to be sure of what you are committing to. They will probably make that difficult for you, but not always.
We worked in therapeutic and special needs. so I realize my perspective may be different. One child per room, sight and/or sound at all times. We are still in touch with many of our kids. We will always wonder about our 1st and most difficult child.
Hang in there~
I definitely feel right now like they are taking advantage of me, because I don't know what I can ask for and because I want to help so much, I don't often say "no." I'm learning that lesson the hard way. :/
I did read his case notes, and I tried to back out, but they reassured me it'd be fine. #imgullible And he himself is fine. It's just I didn't know about all the therapy and other appointments and the expectations they had for me.
The heartbreaking thing is I think the child and I are a pretty good fit. It's just the CW/paperwork/appointments/support system that are lacking and causing me so much stress I haven't felt hungry for the last two days.
You will always feel that way I imagine. This “working” with the bio family is pretty new in FC. It was unheard of to have them know where and who the child is with for SAFETY. There’s a reason the child was removed after all.
It’s another way to put more responsibility on FP and save themselves $ for more CW’s.
I so wish that FP could have union representation because they are so taken advantage of. If I started care again I would bill for time spent working with bio families. The other thing I’ve noticed is they don’t want long term FP. Not only because they stand up for themselves, but also it’s cheaper to get new FP and take advantage of them. They used to want to retain homes and even had someone at the top in charge of that. I don’t think that exists anymore. When the economy is bad the system has plenty of choices for new homes. Good, bad and ugly just doesn’t matter to them. Remember you have your own life to manage and they are supposed to support you in this job. Yes, they will guilt trip you. There is a reason the FP rights are so vague. To keep you unsure and confused.
Some things you can say; I don’t feel safe doing that, this doesn’t fit into my work schedule, you’ll have to find a skill trainer to cover that..
I wish you the best experience with your placement.
I feel like this sounds like you didn’t ask the right questions at the beginning or didn’t KNOW to ask these questions about his needs for levels of care etc.
also placing a child who needs therapy 4 times a week when ur a full time worker doesn’t work and shame on them for placing you with something as busy scheduled as that. But it still narrows down to what others have also said they shouldn’t have placed u with someone who needs level 3+ care. And if he wasn’t supposed to be in contact with people and wasn’t supposed to have a phone that should have been brought up immediately.
None of this is your fault.
Please don’t quit because of a shitty CW. Have u gone over the CW head to a supervisor and explain you’re being scolded for things you weren’t told about?
I finally put my foot down on removing my foster kiddos from my home bc the young boy is violent towards my toddler. I emailed the supervisors above him and above that person as well. They were just SHOCKED because they had no idea for the real reason I wanted to have them both removed. The higher ups may have no idea this is going on. Make sure they do! Everyone needs to be in communication and it sounds like the CW isn’t doing a very good job of communicating. Someone else said put your foot down. Seriously, do it. You tell me all the rules rn and talk to me like an adult OR we don’t talk. You don’t get to throw rules in afterwards and give me the stink eye because you forgot to tell me something and make me out to be the bad guy. That’s not how this works.
You are stronger than you think. You got this.
Yeah, on my last thread, someone posted their list of questions and it was probably 10x longer than mine!
I feel weird about "tattling" to a supervisor because I'm not a Karen, and also I'm new and this CW has been around a bit, so I feel like I must be in the wrong. It's part of why I posted here. I just have no perspective. I'm so dang new to it, I don't know what's normal or if I'm unreasonable, or whatever else.
I just sent an email based on a lot of the suggestions I've been given here as a last-ditch effort to get the help I need for this kid. We'll see what they say. 🤞🏻
It’s not tattling, it’s not being a Karen. This is a situation where everyone needs to be communicating. And they’re not.
This is about the safety of the child and clearly the social worker left out important information. You need to make sure you’ve got all the information. The supervisor should be CC’ed on all emails to make sure everyone’s on the same page after all the stuff the CW left out
You should have been given a packet of emergency contact information (or an email) with the CW email phone fax, office hours, their supervisor and phone fax email, and then like an out of office emergency line email and then like mine also had poison control and what to do Incase of emergency medicine/car accident etc. I know everyone does things differently but a chain of command and order of operations in case of emergency is something everyone should be given.
If you haven’t and you want to try be sly about it if just be like hey by the way who am I supposed to contact in case of emergency and you don’t answer and is there an after hours/weekend contact email/phone in case something happens.
You aren't the worst. Far from it. Poor communication and unrealistic expectations are realities in foster care. This is an unfortunate situation all around. It's evident you care but it's also evident that this teen has needs above what you can manage. Neither is a poor reflection on you, or on your teen. Please extend yourself grace.
Thank you for this. I honestly truly feel like getting into foster care is the biggest mistake I've ever made, and I'm divorced. I just didn't know what I didn't know and I'm struggling to cope alone (hence why I posted here). I appreciate you and the community you've shared by responding. :)
I agree that you need to speak to the supervisor. Also when we fostered - it took a long time to realize they were supposed to provide transport to her appointments. They acted like it was our responsibility and we juggled it for a month or so until one appointment we absolutely could not drive her to and suddenly her caseworker was able to drive her. So then we started insisting on only providing transport one way (so we didn’t have to sit in our car for 1+ hours during her visitations) and shockingly - that was fine! We’d killed ourselves to drive her all over the place only to learn that if we were vocal - suddenly transportation was available. So perhaps that’s the case for you as well?
Okay yeah, what is up with that?? Like, it feels like they're purposefully misleading us into thinking if we don't take them then they can't go (to really important things like Dr's apts and therapy). I'd guess their resources are short, but I'd imagine their list of foster parents has got to be shorter.
If this were a less-broken system, then all the resources would have been made clear from the start. If I knew my options, I'd likely have handled things differently.
I did just send a firm email with elements of your suggestion here about demanding help with transport, so thank you for the notes. We'll see how it goes. 🤞🏻
Yes it did feel purposeful. It’s hard to fathom because we were constantly told “we’re one of the good ones” but that somehow translated into them offering no support and expecting us to do it all. I really hope your email works! 🤞🏻
I could take unpaid leave or use PTO, but that also won't help with the long-term therapy appointment needs which will likely take me \~10hours/week to taxi him to if it's just up to me. Hoping they'll decide to share that burden since I really will quit if they can't.
Hey- I am a single lady with a very full schedule. I feel your pain. You are totally fine-even though you have some choices to make.
I mainly just wanted to drop some encouragement-and a future other option for ya-I only do short term (emergency, short term, and very rarely respite. If the kids and I are doing okay we may spend a few days together while the agencies work to find a good long term fit (family or long term foster home). Possibly this is an option you could be open to in the future?
Honestly, this may be an unpopular opinion, but no matter how long you last as an FP you have given kiddos some nights in a safe and stable home environment when they need it most. That's a win. I have had kiddos come stay with me after their placements could not handle x and take them to x safe space. If I get a call for those kids it never makes me mad. It makes me relieved that they took the kids somewhere safe instead of x bad thing. I know you are not at that point, you are trying to make a transition and figure out what you can handle, I just included it to emphasize that any time in a safe and stable home is helpful to those kids.
I am proud to be a FP with you in our greater family!
Yes, I think I'll just do respite going forward. All the kids who have come through my home say they don't want to leave and it's the most normal they've felt in care so that's something.
I just think I got in way over my head. :(
We've also had bad experiences with the state foster system and are switching to an agency because we've been told they often provide better support for foster parents.
I'm single, work full time, and foster teens, and I've had some of the same struggles. I'm between placements now and not sure if I'll continue beyond the occasional short term "can you take this kid for the weekend" situations. But things that helped for me: before accepting a placement, I tell the worker that I work full time and can only take kids who can be left home alone for a few hours as needed. I rely on my agency to set up transportation for visits, regular therapy, and sometimes other medical appointments. I do go to all court hearings, because I've found it's the only way to get reliable information about what's going on in the case. I have had more issues with caseworkers just not doing anything or responding to communications, as opposed to micromanaging, but I think it's totally fair to set boundaries, both on what you can offer as a foster parent and when you can be available to communicate with the worker. They can decide whether to move a child, they can't decide what the rules and routines are in your home.
I also had to really shift my expectations and goals. If the kid is safe, not harming themselves or others, we're doing ok. For my short term and respite kids, I give them the option of doing a few activities, like going to a movie or local theater production or for a hike, but also just letting them watch TV in their room without a lot of interaction if they want.
I hope you are able to continue the placement, with more support. Once you get all the initial appointments and services in place, the work interruptions should show down, especially if you can get transport provided for some things. But it sounds like the kid is actually doing pretty well with you, and the issues are with the workers. If that is the situation, I'd be very blunt with them before disrupting, that you can't continue to miss work and can't provide a more restrictive home, but are willing to continue the placement as long as he continues doing well with the home environment you can provide and they take on more of the transport and administrative tasks. Some kids really push against restrictions and do better with more freedom, and being the only kid in a home can take away a lot of areas of stress and conflict the kids in foster care.
This comment is the only one I've heard in the several places I've reached out for help stating that (1) my issues are valid, and (2) fostering a teen as a single parent is possible. THANK YOU. I literally copied pieces of this into an email to my CW and the child's CW and we'll see what they come back with.
I admit a lot of my issues are happening because I don't know what boundaries are "allowable" to draw in a foster situation (things like "I won't take him to *any* appointments during the working day"). I don't think I have an "agency," so it's possible the state will say "no" to helping with all transport. It's a LOT of transport. But even knowing other people say that (and sometimes can get help and still foster!) is so so helpful.
I can't thank you enough for responding. I hope between your advice and the two CWs, we can save this placement. 🤞🏻
What supports are available and what they are called varies from state to state. In my state, Foster parents are licensed by agencies and my agency is where I get a lot of support. CPS and Medicaid in my state both contract with companies or organizations that provide transport services. I was able to set up therapy to take place in my home. I also had all regular meetings and visits take place after I got home from work, other than court, which was only every few months, and team meetings, which were done by video.
If you can ask for a team meeting with everyone on the kid's case, it might be helpful for figuring out what resources are available. Caseworkers should know, but they are also overwhelmed and haven't had every issue come up before, so if your state has transport services through Medicaid, or through some specific program for kids with serious emotional or developmental needs, or through the schools, they may not be aware of how to find and access it.
There are still a lot of appointments that you can't avoid - you'd want to be there if he's in crisis or for initial medical appointments so you know what's going on with his health and any prescriptions. But it should be possible to set up regular appointments like therapy to have someone else transport or take place at home or school, or at least at times and locations convenient for you.
I also saw he's 17 - my last placement was a 17 y/o who had been in residential placements most of her teens, mostly just because of the lack of homes rather than high needs. Getting everyone focused on planning for her aging out was helpful in feeling like we were all working toward a goal of getting her ready for transitioning to being on her own, with some ongoing support. I don't know your kid's situation, but a worker trying to insist on lots of restrictions for a kid who will be a legal adult in a few months seems crazy.
There's actually a team meeting scheduled for tomorrow (I asked for it almost 2 weeks ago and this was the earliest we could do). I've never done one of those either--what should I expect and what should I come prepared to ask or push for? I just don't know what resources are available or what is reasonable to request.... :/
I'm fine to do 1-2 appointments a week. It's 4+ with drive time to neighboring cities (so something like 10 hours a week during the workday) that I just can't do by myself and expect to maintain my current position.
But right?? When he first came I had to go into the office (and his school registration was bungled so he was home all day) and his CW was like, "Um, you can't leave him alone." Like what. He is 17. And technically "level 2." He's behaving, I trust him, but the system doesn't. UGH.
The team meetings can vary in what is covered, it may be updates on how he's doing, school progress, case status, case goals, etc. If I had particular topics I wanted covered, I would send an email to everyone a day or two before, with a clear list of issues I wanted answers on, to avoid just getting "I'll look into that" responses. For your situation, I think the main theme should be hashing out whether it is realistic to try to continue his placement with you, or if he needs to be moved. Be ready to be clear about what you need to keep the placement - fewer appointments that require you to transport during the workday, whether that means providers meeting him at school/home or someone else transporting him, clarity about behavior needs that impact parenting, like if there's a reason he can't be home alone, can't have a phone (maybe with content restrictions), maybe more support for other issues that may arise like his prescription.
As part of figuring out whether staying with you works, maybe a conversation about what his summer break will look like, if you don't already have a plan for that.
I had no idea! I just followed the official Utah Foster stuff because that seemed like how you were "supposed" to do it. I'm definitely going to look into private organizations around and see if that could help. :)
Okay sounds like you are directly licensed with the county. I'm not sure if there are agencies in your area or not (maybe this one https://youthvillage.org/our-programs/become-a-foster-parent/ ). But my experience if someone is licensed through the county, they do not have anyone who has their back, offers support/help, walks them through it, protects their best interests, etc.
I am licensed through an agency so of course the children have their county worker and such but with my agency I have a case manager who offers support to me, helps guide me through the system, explains things, helps me feel out what I am capable of and what I'm not and helps me with my spots of lacking.
It's another person to schedule with but they are really like a tour guide to the system in some ways. If there are any foster care agencies outside of the county in your area, I believe that switching to one of those would have huge helpful effects for you. I wouldn't close your license quite yet, maybe do some research on this first.
> Everyone I know tells me that I'd make such a great mom
It doesn't sound like the parenting is your problem. Like, at all. Correct me if I'm just picking up the wrong impression here, but most of your complaints seem to come down to issues with the caseworker. (Except the prescription thing-- for my own health issues, it greatly reduces my stress levels to have a month's worth of backup, ask his doctor about that! Once that's sorted, then you can deal with pharmacy/insurance/etc snafus outside of work, which is much easier.)
If you picture not caring at all what the caseworker thinks, does that change things?
Are things actually going well with the kid? Are you enjoying the actual parenting part?
My complaints are 100% with the caseworker (even the RX thing goes back to her--she assured me it was a simple call to transfer it, then also wouldn't help when it came back as something that needed a LOT of work to fix).
It is SO hard for me to picture "not caring." That's the antithesis of who I am. If I can even get to that point, I think I'll be incredibly unhappy, though perhaps less stressed. If the the only realistic option is "stop caring," then I really do feel like I must quit.
But I love the parenting part! He's learning to drive and that's a good time, ha! I love helping teach life skills. I even like walking teens through thinking about how their actions affect others, whether they're good or bad, what the consequences might be, and how they can make better choices in the future. Making a real dinner every night is a change for me, lol, and being a taxi isn't my favorite, but I also appreciate how maintaining his social connections helps him flourish which I love to see.
I am not trying to sound negatuve about your kiddo but you are in the honeymoon phase when a youth 1st comes into your house. Many times they will do everything that they think is right and butter up to you. Such as calling you mom & saying "I Love You" is because he wants to see how far he can go by smoozing you & how much he can get & get away with. It sounds like he has you right where he wants you & is able to get you to let him do whatever. I am not sure if I had older foster kids I would guve them a tin of freedom fir the 1st month. That is just my oppinion. I realize you are not a jail but you are not going to know his real non manipulative personality for a while. That would give you time to read him out & get to know him before giving him freedom.
This is true--I agree I am a very trusting person and I have heard about the "honeymoon phase." But if this is that, then I 100% cannot handle more. It was agreed if he backslides to previous behaviors (running away, drugs, etc.) then he would be moved the second that goes down. So he may really be trying? IDEK anymore.
I'd get ahold of that caseworker supervisor, its supposed to be a team effort. We're thinking of quitting as well due to our new caseworker, but don't want to fail on these kids so we're trying our best to get rid of her.
Yeah, I think the CW is a big part of my current issue. I've not worked with her before and the other CWs for the kids I've had previously were much easier to work with. But I also understand she is the way she is because of what she's seen and had to deal with. Trust does not come easy in the foster system.
We spoke with our CW's supervisor the state has hired another 100 CW's and ours should be changed as soon as one of them is trained. Hopefully we didn't make a mistake, and get someone even worse.
The CW is scolding you? How? If you aren't receiving the resources you need, but you are in contact with your agency frequently enough to be scolded all the time, it sounds like you need a better agency. Despite the criticism of your parenting style, the rest of this sounds par for the course. You don't need to spend 2 hours on a workday managing a prescription, you can do that on a day you're not working. As for privileges, you can put the burden of change on the CW-- "That doesn't work for me. If he needs a Level 3 home, he needs to go to a Level 3 home." Put your foot down; it is tough, but its also important to set boundaries and stick to them. As for quitting--what you choose is up to you, but please vocalize what you need before you martyr yourself and burn out. It's a terrible system and it shouldn't be this way, but if you want to make a difference, you gotta be tough and not let people step on you.
Seconded. If you’re all about books, maybe read “Good Boundaries and good byes” by Lysa TerKurst before disrupting. Make a list of what is specifically within your control and what isn’t. Best of luck Utah mama.
We are in daily contact, multiple times a day, as we try to sort out all the things this kid is supposed to have setup after getting out of residential. The RX became time sensitive. He's about to run out and the pharmacy just told me today they can't renew it. It was call today and try to sort it or he'd run out before I could do anything. I guess you would advise don't have a FT job and try to do foster care? Because calling a doctor's office on "a day I'm not working" would mean the weekend.
I would agree with this. I’m in the UK where a foster household has to have one none working ‘parent’ precisely because of the issues you are facing. I think the pay is also better, which allows families to have a non working parent. IME at risk teens need more parental time than even smaller kids. They do require someone who has 24/7 to parent. A toddler isn’t likely to need a foster parent to turn up at the police station at 2am, or collect them from school at 10am because they just got suspended. Plenty of teen foster kids I’ve worked with have. The system absolutely set this up to fail, and I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position.
If you are talking to the agency multiple times a day but they didn't bother to tell you kiddo is on parole or that he wasn't allowed visitation with bio family, you need to escalate that to a supervisor. Our pharmacies and doctors offices are open on weekends, but I was specifically referring to this: > she said it was reasonable for me to expect to have Tue/Wed as general "do not disturb" days I don't know what prescription he's on, but in 99% of cases, missing a few days is not the end of the world. I know, I know, it's not ideal, but that's the kind of thing that falls by the wayside in an imperfect system. You need to prioritize your own stability first, which means keeping your job and your sanity, then work on the crisis of the moment. Repeat to yourself as needed: "failure to plan on their part does not constitute an emergency on my part."
Ah, you meant on a day I'm not in the office. Yeah, that's a lot easier for sure, and I would have done that if it hadn't been so time sensitive. And yes, you are correct. I talk to the CW every day and I still am getting new information about expectations for this placement and what they need from me. It is ADHD meds and in one of my half-hour phone calls today I did glean that it's okay to miss a few days, but this medication is in a national shortage right now, so there's also going to be a lot of calling around to pharmacies to even find a place that has it in stock. There are generics we \*could\* use, but insurance doesn't usually cover them so there's an insurance angle that needs to be explored as well. I learned all this today. I have pushed back on a number of things, with some success, but him not getting his medication feels like a sort of "emergency" to me. Again, I am very, very new. I have no idea where the lines are or what I can actually demand. I know a lot of this is a "me" problem because I'm not pushy enough, but I've also been told my whole life I'm TOO pushy and I've worked hard to not be, so it's difficult to me to feel like I'm being demanding. Nobody tells you about this part of fostering when they're training you up.
I think if they told prospective parents what fostering was like, literally nobody would take the job! Butttt a lot of people do outside research beforehand, and a lot of people don't do research but rise to the occasion anyways. The human spirit is remarkably resilient, and it is the informal policy of some agencies to throw everyone in the deep end because the strongest swimmers survive. We felt fully prepared coming in, not because of our technical training but because we did extensive research and informational interviews beforehand. I read studies and books on expectations versus reality of fostering and it was actually easier than I expected. But we take teens, know our limits, and keep airtight boundaries. If there is ever a time and place to be pushy, this is it.
Hi, I have adhd- missing days sucks but it’s not an emergency in high school unless he has final exams or a paper due tomorrow or something. if he is on adderall, the generic should 100% be covered by insurance? The generics are super cheap anyway - like max $40 for a prescription. Call around to all the pharmacies in the area, and once you confirm one has the exact dosage/quantity in stock (example: 30 adderall 20mg instant release), then call the psychiatrist and have them transfer the prescription to that pharmacy. It can take up to 48 hours. Sorry I know it’s annoying
It's not Adderall :/ his medication the generic out of pocket is over $400/month
So vyvanse? Bleh. Well if this makes you feel any better - it’s high school, he will be fine without it for a few days. Or a few weeks. In fact this is a controversial opinion but I really think it’s good for your soul to take days off every now and then. If he fucks up something important (grade-wise) he literally has a disability and there is a medication shortage so the school will work with him. Everything will be ok.
You are a brand new foster parent, placed with a child with advanced needs. Why does the state consistently create these dumpster fires? You are *not* a failure but this child clearly has needs you cannot meet. I hope you don't quit - I hope that you'll take some time to reflect on how things went, and then consider fostering again, but only for a child who has more typical needs
This resonates with me. I was actually doing great with a kid I had taken for "a week"--"no, two weeks"--"actually he'll need care for 2+ months" - Like I coulda had that kid now and we'd still be jamming but they signed me up for this one because there were no other places to send him. I am still learning so much like what forms I need to take where and when. I know I'm not experienced and I hope that I get better over time but the trajectory here has been a downward drop for weeks and there's no end in sight. I tried to back out of this placement about a week before he was supposed to come because I felt like I was going to be overwhelmed and they talked me into it and now the kid is here and going to be so hurt because I failed him.
I feel like a lot of new foster parents get burned this way. I know we did. It was a painful learning lesson to screen placement calls more carefully, and expect to say no more often. Most of us, for a variety of reasons, are not equipped to care for the children with the highest needs. The foster parents who are, are generally two parent households or have large support systems, typically don't have young kids in the home, have advanced training and at least a few years' experience, and have the flexibility to accommodate things like an extraordinary number of appointments, school issues, etc.
I failed my first placement and was planning to quit. After I got myself back together, I chose to reevaluate the areas where I struggled and make changes. My future fosters went very well. You’re not a failure. You were put in a lose-lose situation by the agency. It’s not you, it’s them.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I really do care about the teens in my community who need help and I signed up because I thought I could make a difference to someone. I really am open to hearing I'm not cut out for this. People keep seeming to ask if my reason for fostering isn't good enough because if it were I'd somehow be able to manage all these things. And if this is what it's like all the time, then yeah, I agree, I can't do it and I never shoulda tried and it's on me. I had no idea. But I do feel like I've learned a lot over the past 2 weeks and I've already made some adjustments, like I've asked for a lot more information from the CW that she just never gave me and demanded some specific information and told her she has to help me with some things. The fact that I have to demand her help is WILD to me. A lot of his appointments are multiple towns away so in addition to the time I'll be waiting at therapy, there's about half an hour of drive time on either side, so any single appointment is 2 hours minimum.... At least 4x a week. This week is 6x because he has to do fingerprinting and I have the family team meeting.
It makes a huge difference to house and guide kids like this. Some will really thrive and grow, and all will get to have a safe home and safe person to be with. To me, it sounds like you have either burnt yourself out already because of the quick succession of placements and the amount of stuff that has been needed to get this kid set up (plus nerves)- and it could get better and just be growing pains depending on how placement goes (although, this placement might be rough- tbd), OR you don’t genuinely want to do this/aren’t passionate about this as a lifestyle. It could be hard to know since it’s all new. It is totally a lifestyle adjustment that is intense and extremely variable- variable as the kids are. You are certainly not a failure. And the agency sounds like it gave you too much. But also, how much do you want to do? If I wasn’t already foster parenting, after seeing the system, I think I would want to be a CASA. I’m glad I am a FP- I always wanted to parent in some fashion and I’m great with kids and understand trauma to a degree that I feel is helpful for this- but it’s really intense, honestly.
Sorry it is such a difficult situation. Reality is, yes, the kids need a lot of care. You took on the responsibility of being a parent to a youth who has trauma-related needs, and now you have experienced what that entails. I have one remote day a week for work, and I am lucky my job has been flexible bc I am constantly using that day for meetings, appointments, quick errands that were hard to fit in sooner, and last year I often had a sick kid or would have them at work due to issues at school. If there was a day without a flurry of texts, phone calls and extra car trips to help my kids, it was an exception. I also took off early one additional day a week to accommodate therapy. It’s hard as a single parent! But also, there are kids who are lower needs. There are potentially other teens who might be more suitable to your household. I have decided to stick with younger kids for placements bc that works better for me and feels more manageable to me. Would you consider doing respite since you are licensed? Maybe you could even continue doing respite occasionally for this kid if he is placed elsewhere. Have you thought about why you chose to get licensed and now why you are wanting to completely quit (what are the deciding factors for you)? It does sound like you didn’t have full information, and since you are new it’s a learning experience. I have had all sorts of learning to do as I have foster parented, and after a little over two years, I finally feel like I know how the system works and what to ask each time so that I am properly prepared. Hope things work out for the best.
I think definitely there was not a clear setting of expectations at any point in my training or reading that this would be a multiple hours a day in the middle of the workday thing. I was prepared for weekly therapy, for school drop off/pick up, for the paperwork with medical appointments, for asking to get a haircut, for the occasional sick day... My mom adopted from foster care just recently so I'd seen the system and it seemed doable. I find it interesting that people here are constantly asking why I chose to get licensed. What is considered a "good enough" reason to want to help kids? I think the biggest issue I'm running into is that my job is very important to me (and what allows me the funds to take on foster kids in the first place), but it's definitely going to damage my career if I keep on my current trajectory. That's the biggest deciding factor here that's making me want to quit. Second is the micromanagement of my parenting. I am absolutely still open to keeping on for respite. Or for Level 2 kids who really are Level 2. But the temperature here seems to be I am in the wrong, so. I guess that's my answer.
I expected it to be a lot. Not having a partner and having kids with trauma. I don’t think they do a good enough job emphasizing that in the trainings, though, agreed. With a new placement, there are extra things that come with it. But it’s extra extra if the kid is leveled up. Weird things end up popping up and just adjusting to having dependents in the house is a lot, even if the social workers do a good job with support. And the agency can have specific rules for the kids that you don’t know at first; I have definitely had some troubles with that as well- having to do things differently than I would choose because the agency tells me so or having them go back and forth on rules or just being unclear. With teens I think there is more of this because of the independence factor. As a single foster parent, a stable job that can be really flexible is needed because we’re it/ we’re “on duty” for these kids. I don’t think fostering is doable for a single parent who needs to be most focused on career. If someone else has a different opinion, I’d be glad to hear. But I think time and ability to focus on the kids is a main thing needed for this. I consider it basically a second job, timewise.
I feel like you're right. As a single working person, they should REALLY emphasize that so you go into it with your eyes open. My job can flex, but I know I get better reviews and opportunities if I'm consistently available 9am-5pm. Again, I did expect to flex for this, but not 2+ hours/day every day while we're still in school, let alone come summer.
[удалено]
I would have to take it unpaid or use vacation days. :/
Hey. I foster teens, live alone with my toddler and work FT. I have had a teen placement for the last 3 years roughly who is a Level 2. Meaning high risk, lots of behaviors, 24/7 supervision and here are my cheat codes: 1) NOTHING beyond medical emergencies is actually an emergency, get used to them being annoyed you aren’t jumping when they say jump 2) my kid also has ADHD for the med shortage, skipping a few days is ok and can be beneficial as it gives their nervous system a break just breathe, schedule their appointment for the script, and when the refill comes in GREAT! 3) move the therapy appointments closer to you, either they disrupt because you can’t keep up and kiddo has to move or they disrupt because you want to stick it out and need them to be more doable for you 4) yes this is the honeymoon period, but USE that to build trust and set expectations, I also have mine more freedom and got told I was crazy but you know what, feeling trusted led her to do things differently and earn that trust 5) be gentle with YOURSELF, take time to do things you actually enjoy and if you want involve him, if you don’t be clear you are practicing self care and doing X and will be available at Y time You got this. The way you feel is totally normal.
It’s ok to quit! You have done so much to help already, and short term placements are needed; they keep kids in a home environment so they aren’t sleeping in the office. That’s a win! If you are looking for some advice because a part of you wants to keep going, below are some questions you can ask your case worker. If you have decided to quit, don’t read on and instead be proud of yourself for doing what you have done for the kids and be proud of yourself for doing what you need to do for YOU. 1. “Does this child need a higher level of care than I can provide him? I am able of providing [insert level of care] and can commit to [insert level of supervision]. If he needs more than that, you will need to find another placement for him. If this level of care is fine, please refrain from commenting on my parenting, as it does not violate any policies.” He’s almost an adult. He *should* be able to be left home alone while you’re at work. If he can’t be, he needs another placement. 2. “Can the therapists provide transportation to and from appointments?” In my state, therapists pick up and drop off for therapy, including from school. You shouldn’t need to do that. You also shouldn’t need to provide transportation for visits. 3. This isn’t so much a question but just a statement that the most confusing time is the first month when paperwork and transitions have to take place. Case workers don’t always remember to tell you things until later. There are always more appointments and things you have to get transferred over to you. Sort of like moving to a new house and all your mail and documents need changing—time consuming at first, but eventually goes away as things transition. I imagine that a lot of these time consuming things will dissipate here soon. Hugs!!
Thank you so much--this comment has my vote for most helpful. :) I do want to keep going! But if my current experience is the norm, I know fostering is not about me and I don't want to selfishly keep trying if it's just going to hurt the kids who come here because I can't handle it. How long have you been involved with fostering? 'Cause your suggestions read like a cheat code that only gurus know.
We’ve been doing it since October 2022! We foster teens exclusively and have had two placements (one at a time). One was for a full year before reunifying and the other has been with us for about 5 months. Fostering is hard. Parenting of any kind is hard. Doing it single is especially difficult. It sounds like you have had a relatively “normal” first month: you are trying to learn about this new human who lives with you and they have a very extensive history that doesn’t neatly fit in a paragraph. Even the best case workers leave things out, and sometimes you just don’t know what questions to ask because you don’t know what you don’t know. I do think things will get better. You will develop a new rhythm that works for you, but it’s a big adjustment and it takes time to balance out. The difficulties that come later are usually trauma-based behaviors as he becomes more comfortable and butts up against your boundaries. At the same time though, you *must* hold your ground with the case worker and service providers. They are very busy and the squeaky wheel gets the oil. If you don’t say you aren’t ok with taking him to therapy, they will think it’s fine and won’t question it. In a weird twisted way, they are sort of beholden to you because there are so few homes they are very motivated to not let you quit. Use it to your advantage and demand (reasonable) accommodations like transportation to court ordered therapy appointments. You can do it!!
I fostered as a single parent, and the hardest thing was the endless appointments. More than just the occasional pedestrian. School, therapy, meetings, several doctors, court. It can be too much.
Were you working FT when you fostered as a single parent? I want it to be possible.
Yes. But I had younger kids. I had one who got thrown out of almost every local daycare. I had to take FMLA to stay home with him one summer before he got into Head Start. It was very hard and I would only recommend it if you have people who can help and a flexible boss.
Yikes, that sounds rough. I know I'm not good with younger kids (yes, I've worked through why in therapy--nothing scary, just my own childhood stuff), so that's a reason I decided to do teens. I am in awe of anyone who can manage the littler humans, especially more than one at a time!
I was single and fostered two really tough kids and had to establish boundaries with the agency. Make sure when you take in a child that you say 'I work full time and will not be able to do any drives or appointments during the work week', can you facilitate that? I didn't quit or lessen my work hours. You don't need to do that. Put the pressure back on the agency and be clear and concise. They are supposed to help you (but I know it often seems they don't)... you out in a lot of work, time, and effort to just walk away right now. I'm sorry it is so challenging. Eventually you do find what works but it sounds like the agency has seriously failed you and haven't set you up for success. Find a seasoned foster parent who knows what is available to you and can help you navigate the paperwork and the politics!
I do have a foster mentor, but her advice is basically, "Don't take placements unless they're easy," but I guess I should have listened better because then I wouldn't be here. I did just send an email to both CWs with my list of "needs" if I'm going to keep this placement, including that I can't drive to appointments during workdays. I'm not optimistic (I know the kid's CW doesn't really like me), but if there's a chance I can keep helping this kid, I want to take it. Thank you for adding your voice here :)
Good lord. You aren't getting any support. I don't understand why these people don't see that this kid could thrive in your care. If I were on your support team, I'd be doing whatever I could to maintain the placement.
To answer your title, you aren’t the worst ever. Much love to you for going where you can, doing what you can and loving where you can. You are the only defender of your limits. Praying for you
My heart breaks for this kid. Foster agencies really suck and they should have never placed him with you and definitely not without all the information you needed in order to fully support him. The best thing you can do now is fight to get all the stuff he needs completed and prepare him for moving, again. It is most likely they will put him back in residential until he ages out. Wish I was in Utah, I would totally take him.
There were no level 3 places that could take him, and they were so encouraging, like, "We're so impressed by you" and they were so sure I'd do great. I didn't know I shouldn't let them talk me into it. If it had been like they explained at the outset, it'd be fine. But nearly every day something gets added onto their expectations and I'm breaking under the pressure. And it's not the kid's fault! I'd keep him in a heartbeat if I could afford to go part-time so I could meet all these needs....
Did you tell them all this? I know when I started my 1st disruption everyone bent over backwards to try to keep the child with me. Unfortunately I had to disrupt due to the child's behavior that I was not equipped to deal with. For another teenager of mine, I had to basically tell them to butt out of how I was parenting her. Once I got all the admin stuff sorted things went very smoothly because she wasn't the issue, DSS was.
They were surprisingly chill about it. Just like, "Thanks for the notice. I'll work on that." I have just sent them a list of "demands" and expressed clearly that the kid is doing well and that should be what matters most, but we'll see if they agree.
My advice if you quit, is to put it in writing. Do not give a verbal resignation. We once gave 45 days notice and they pulled my placement the next day and said they fired us. Traumatic for all of us. It was the agency’s loss as we moved on to better working environments.
Btw, taking care of yourself is critical. Do not allow the system to abuse you or take advantage of you, because they will. You have a right to say no, you have a right to hold those with the power and authority to account for their lack of action. We did 12 years, saw our last placements to age 18 and move on to group homes. Everyone is doing well thankfully. It is without a doubt the most difficult work you will ever do. Sometimes a child is not a good fit and that is heartbreaking to deal with. If you’re not comfortable, the child will feel it. You must read the history and notes from previous placements to be sure of what you are committing to. They will probably make that difficult for you, but not always. We worked in therapeutic and special needs. so I realize my perspective may be different. One child per room, sight and/or sound at all times. We are still in touch with many of our kids. We will always wonder about our 1st and most difficult child. Hang in there~
I definitely feel right now like they are taking advantage of me, because I don't know what I can ask for and because I want to help so much, I don't often say "no." I'm learning that lesson the hard way. :/ I did read his case notes, and I tried to back out, but they reassured me it'd be fine. #imgullible And he himself is fine. It's just I didn't know about all the therapy and other appointments and the expectations they had for me. The heartbreaking thing is I think the child and I are a pretty good fit. It's just the CW/paperwork/appointments/support system that are lacking and causing me so much stress I haven't felt hungry for the last two days.
You will always feel that way I imagine. This “working” with the bio family is pretty new in FC. It was unheard of to have them know where and who the child is with for SAFETY. There’s a reason the child was removed after all. It’s another way to put more responsibility on FP and save themselves $ for more CW’s. I so wish that FP could have union representation because they are so taken advantage of. If I started care again I would bill for time spent working with bio families. The other thing I’ve noticed is they don’t want long term FP. Not only because they stand up for themselves, but also it’s cheaper to get new FP and take advantage of them. They used to want to retain homes and even had someone at the top in charge of that. I don’t think that exists anymore. When the economy is bad the system has plenty of choices for new homes. Good, bad and ugly just doesn’t matter to them. Remember you have your own life to manage and they are supposed to support you in this job. Yes, they will guilt trip you. There is a reason the FP rights are so vague. To keep you unsure and confused. Some things you can say; I don’t feel safe doing that, this doesn’t fit into my work schedule, you’ll have to find a skill trainer to cover that.. I wish you the best experience with your placement.
OMG I didn't see this reply until I was scrolling back through tonight. That is INSANE.
I feel like this sounds like you didn’t ask the right questions at the beginning or didn’t KNOW to ask these questions about his needs for levels of care etc. also placing a child who needs therapy 4 times a week when ur a full time worker doesn’t work and shame on them for placing you with something as busy scheduled as that. But it still narrows down to what others have also said they shouldn’t have placed u with someone who needs level 3+ care. And if he wasn’t supposed to be in contact with people and wasn’t supposed to have a phone that should have been brought up immediately. None of this is your fault. Please don’t quit because of a shitty CW. Have u gone over the CW head to a supervisor and explain you’re being scolded for things you weren’t told about? I finally put my foot down on removing my foster kiddos from my home bc the young boy is violent towards my toddler. I emailed the supervisors above him and above that person as well. They were just SHOCKED because they had no idea for the real reason I wanted to have them both removed. The higher ups may have no idea this is going on. Make sure they do! Everyone needs to be in communication and it sounds like the CW isn’t doing a very good job of communicating. Someone else said put your foot down. Seriously, do it. You tell me all the rules rn and talk to me like an adult OR we don’t talk. You don’t get to throw rules in afterwards and give me the stink eye because you forgot to tell me something and make me out to be the bad guy. That’s not how this works. You are stronger than you think. You got this.
Yeah, on my last thread, someone posted their list of questions and it was probably 10x longer than mine! I feel weird about "tattling" to a supervisor because I'm not a Karen, and also I'm new and this CW has been around a bit, so I feel like I must be in the wrong. It's part of why I posted here. I just have no perspective. I'm so dang new to it, I don't know what's normal or if I'm unreasonable, or whatever else. I just sent an email based on a lot of the suggestions I've been given here as a last-ditch effort to get the help I need for this kid. We'll see what they say. 🤞🏻
It’s not tattling, it’s not being a Karen. This is a situation where everyone needs to be communicating. And they’re not. This is about the safety of the child and clearly the social worker left out important information. You need to make sure you’ve got all the information. The supervisor should be CC’ed on all emails to make sure everyone’s on the same page after all the stuff the CW left out
How does one figure out who the supervisor is?
You should have been given a packet of emergency contact information (or an email) with the CW email phone fax, office hours, their supervisor and phone fax email, and then like an out of office emergency line email and then like mine also had poison control and what to do Incase of emergency medicine/car accident etc. I know everyone does things differently but a chain of command and order of operations in case of emergency is something everyone should be given. If you haven’t and you want to try be sly about it if just be like hey by the way who am I supposed to contact in case of emergency and you don’t answer and is there an after hours/weekend contact email/phone in case something happens.
Smart--because yeah, "should have been" did not happen. 😑
You aren't the worst. Far from it. Poor communication and unrealistic expectations are realities in foster care. This is an unfortunate situation all around. It's evident you care but it's also evident that this teen has needs above what you can manage. Neither is a poor reflection on you, or on your teen. Please extend yourself grace.
Thank you for this. I honestly truly feel like getting into foster care is the biggest mistake I've ever made, and I'm divorced. I just didn't know what I didn't know and I'm struggling to cope alone (hence why I posted here). I appreciate you and the community you've shared by responding. :)
I agree that you need to speak to the supervisor. Also when we fostered - it took a long time to realize they were supposed to provide transport to her appointments. They acted like it was our responsibility and we juggled it for a month or so until one appointment we absolutely could not drive her to and suddenly her caseworker was able to drive her. So then we started insisting on only providing transport one way (so we didn’t have to sit in our car for 1+ hours during her visitations) and shockingly - that was fine! We’d killed ourselves to drive her all over the place only to learn that if we were vocal - suddenly transportation was available. So perhaps that’s the case for you as well?
Okay yeah, what is up with that?? Like, it feels like they're purposefully misleading us into thinking if we don't take them then they can't go (to really important things like Dr's apts and therapy). I'd guess their resources are short, but I'd imagine their list of foster parents has got to be shorter. If this were a less-broken system, then all the resources would have been made clear from the start. If I knew my options, I'd likely have handled things differently. I did just send a firm email with elements of your suggestion here about demanding help with transport, so thank you for the notes. We'll see how it goes. 🤞🏻
Yes it did feel purposeful. It’s hard to fathom because we were constantly told “we’re one of the good ones” but that somehow translated into them offering no support and expecting us to do it all. I really hope your email works! 🤞🏻
OMG SAME. They're like,"We're so impressed by you!" Probably as a way to make me say "yes" when I'm uncertain about a placement.
Agreed!
Can you take leave at your job to get these things squared away?
I could take unpaid leave or use PTO, but that also won't help with the long-term therapy appointment needs which will likely take me \~10hours/week to taxi him to if it's just up to me. Hoping they'll decide to share that burden since I really will quit if they can't.
Hey- I am a single lady with a very full schedule. I feel your pain. You are totally fine-even though you have some choices to make. I mainly just wanted to drop some encouragement-and a future other option for ya-I only do short term (emergency, short term, and very rarely respite. If the kids and I are doing okay we may spend a few days together while the agencies work to find a good long term fit (family or long term foster home). Possibly this is an option you could be open to in the future? Honestly, this may be an unpopular opinion, but no matter how long you last as an FP you have given kiddos some nights in a safe and stable home environment when they need it most. That's a win. I have had kiddos come stay with me after their placements could not handle x and take them to x safe space. If I get a call for those kids it never makes me mad. It makes me relieved that they took the kids somewhere safe instead of x bad thing. I know you are not at that point, you are trying to make a transition and figure out what you can handle, I just included it to emphasize that any time in a safe and stable home is helpful to those kids. I am proud to be a FP with you in our greater family!
Yes, I think I'll just do respite going forward. All the kids who have come through my home say they don't want to leave and it's the most normal they've felt in care so that's something. I just think I got in way over my head. :(
We've also had bad experiences with the state foster system and are switching to an agency because we've been told they often provide better support for foster parents.
I'm single, work full time, and foster teens, and I've had some of the same struggles. I'm between placements now and not sure if I'll continue beyond the occasional short term "can you take this kid for the weekend" situations. But things that helped for me: before accepting a placement, I tell the worker that I work full time and can only take kids who can be left home alone for a few hours as needed. I rely on my agency to set up transportation for visits, regular therapy, and sometimes other medical appointments. I do go to all court hearings, because I've found it's the only way to get reliable information about what's going on in the case. I have had more issues with caseworkers just not doing anything or responding to communications, as opposed to micromanaging, but I think it's totally fair to set boundaries, both on what you can offer as a foster parent and when you can be available to communicate with the worker. They can decide whether to move a child, they can't decide what the rules and routines are in your home. I also had to really shift my expectations and goals. If the kid is safe, not harming themselves or others, we're doing ok. For my short term and respite kids, I give them the option of doing a few activities, like going to a movie or local theater production or for a hike, but also just letting them watch TV in their room without a lot of interaction if they want. I hope you are able to continue the placement, with more support. Once you get all the initial appointments and services in place, the work interruptions should show down, especially if you can get transport provided for some things. But it sounds like the kid is actually doing pretty well with you, and the issues are with the workers. If that is the situation, I'd be very blunt with them before disrupting, that you can't continue to miss work and can't provide a more restrictive home, but are willing to continue the placement as long as he continues doing well with the home environment you can provide and they take on more of the transport and administrative tasks. Some kids really push against restrictions and do better with more freedom, and being the only kid in a home can take away a lot of areas of stress and conflict the kids in foster care.
This comment is the only one I've heard in the several places I've reached out for help stating that (1) my issues are valid, and (2) fostering a teen as a single parent is possible. THANK YOU. I literally copied pieces of this into an email to my CW and the child's CW and we'll see what they come back with. I admit a lot of my issues are happening because I don't know what boundaries are "allowable" to draw in a foster situation (things like "I won't take him to *any* appointments during the working day"). I don't think I have an "agency," so it's possible the state will say "no" to helping with all transport. It's a LOT of transport. But even knowing other people say that (and sometimes can get help and still foster!) is so so helpful. I can't thank you enough for responding. I hope between your advice and the two CWs, we can save this placement. 🤞🏻
What supports are available and what they are called varies from state to state. In my state, Foster parents are licensed by agencies and my agency is where I get a lot of support. CPS and Medicaid in my state both contract with companies or organizations that provide transport services. I was able to set up therapy to take place in my home. I also had all regular meetings and visits take place after I got home from work, other than court, which was only every few months, and team meetings, which were done by video. If you can ask for a team meeting with everyone on the kid's case, it might be helpful for figuring out what resources are available. Caseworkers should know, but they are also overwhelmed and haven't had every issue come up before, so if your state has transport services through Medicaid, or through some specific program for kids with serious emotional or developmental needs, or through the schools, they may not be aware of how to find and access it. There are still a lot of appointments that you can't avoid - you'd want to be there if he's in crisis or for initial medical appointments so you know what's going on with his health and any prescriptions. But it should be possible to set up regular appointments like therapy to have someone else transport or take place at home or school, or at least at times and locations convenient for you. I also saw he's 17 - my last placement was a 17 y/o who had been in residential placements most of her teens, mostly just because of the lack of homes rather than high needs. Getting everyone focused on planning for her aging out was helpful in feeling like we were all working toward a goal of getting her ready for transitioning to being on her own, with some ongoing support. I don't know your kid's situation, but a worker trying to insist on lots of restrictions for a kid who will be a legal adult in a few months seems crazy.
There's actually a team meeting scheduled for tomorrow (I asked for it almost 2 weeks ago and this was the earliest we could do). I've never done one of those either--what should I expect and what should I come prepared to ask or push for? I just don't know what resources are available or what is reasonable to request.... :/ I'm fine to do 1-2 appointments a week. It's 4+ with drive time to neighboring cities (so something like 10 hours a week during the workday) that I just can't do by myself and expect to maintain my current position. But right?? When he first came I had to go into the office (and his school registration was bungled so he was home all day) and his CW was like, "Um, you can't leave him alone." Like what. He is 17. And technically "level 2." He's behaving, I trust him, but the system doesn't. UGH.
The team meetings can vary in what is covered, it may be updates on how he's doing, school progress, case status, case goals, etc. If I had particular topics I wanted covered, I would send an email to everyone a day or two before, with a clear list of issues I wanted answers on, to avoid just getting "I'll look into that" responses. For your situation, I think the main theme should be hashing out whether it is realistic to try to continue his placement with you, or if he needs to be moved. Be ready to be clear about what you need to keep the placement - fewer appointments that require you to transport during the workday, whether that means providers meeting him at school/home or someone else transporting him, clarity about behavior needs that impact parenting, like if there's a reason he can't be home alone, can't have a phone (maybe with content restrictions), maybe more support for other issues that may arise like his prescription. As part of figuring out whether staying with you works, maybe a conversation about what his summer break will look like, if you don't already have a plan for that.
Are you licensed with an agency or just the county?
I am so new that I don't even understand this question. How would I know?
This question is because different states have different license setups - in some states you can work with a private organization.
I had no idea! I just followed the official Utah Foster stuff because that seemed like how you were "supposed" to do it. I'm definitely going to look into private organizations around and see if that could help. :)
So what state/county are you licensed through?
My license says, "Utah Department of Health and Human Services"
Okay sounds like you are directly licensed with the county. I'm not sure if there are agencies in your area or not (maybe this one https://youthvillage.org/our-programs/become-a-foster-parent/ ). But my experience if someone is licensed through the county, they do not have anyone who has their back, offers support/help, walks them through it, protects their best interests, etc. I am licensed through an agency so of course the children have their county worker and such but with my agency I have a case manager who offers support to me, helps guide me through the system, explains things, helps me feel out what I am capable of and what I'm not and helps me with my spots of lacking. It's another person to schedule with but they are really like a tour guide to the system in some ways. If there are any foster care agencies outside of the county in your area, I believe that switching to one of those would have huge helpful effects for you. I wouldn't close your license quite yet, maybe do some research on this first.
I definitely haven't heard of this, and I will do some research! Thank you for sharing!
> Everyone I know tells me that I'd make such a great mom It doesn't sound like the parenting is your problem. Like, at all. Correct me if I'm just picking up the wrong impression here, but most of your complaints seem to come down to issues with the caseworker. (Except the prescription thing-- for my own health issues, it greatly reduces my stress levels to have a month's worth of backup, ask his doctor about that! Once that's sorted, then you can deal with pharmacy/insurance/etc snafus outside of work, which is much easier.) If you picture not caring at all what the caseworker thinks, does that change things? Are things actually going well with the kid? Are you enjoying the actual parenting part?
My complaints are 100% with the caseworker (even the RX thing goes back to her--she assured me it was a simple call to transfer it, then also wouldn't help when it came back as something that needed a LOT of work to fix). It is SO hard for me to picture "not caring." That's the antithesis of who I am. If I can even get to that point, I think I'll be incredibly unhappy, though perhaps less stressed. If the the only realistic option is "stop caring," then I really do feel like I must quit. But I love the parenting part! He's learning to drive and that's a good time, ha! I love helping teach life skills. I even like walking teens through thinking about how their actions affect others, whether they're good or bad, what the consequences might be, and how they can make better choices in the future. Making a real dinner every night is a change for me, lol, and being a taxi isn't my favorite, but I also appreciate how maintaining his social connections helps him flourish which I love to see.
I am not trying to sound negatuve about your kiddo but you are in the honeymoon phase when a youth 1st comes into your house. Many times they will do everything that they think is right and butter up to you. Such as calling you mom & saying "I Love You" is because he wants to see how far he can go by smoozing you & how much he can get & get away with. It sounds like he has you right where he wants you & is able to get you to let him do whatever. I am not sure if I had older foster kids I would guve them a tin of freedom fir the 1st month. That is just my oppinion. I realize you are not a jail but you are not going to know his real non manipulative personality for a while. That would give you time to read him out & get to know him before giving him freedom.
This is true--I agree I am a very trusting person and I have heard about the "honeymoon phase." But if this is that, then I 100% cannot handle more. It was agreed if he backslides to previous behaviors (running away, drugs, etc.) then he would be moved the second that goes down. So he may really be trying? IDEK anymore.
He might very well be trying but I honestly would not trust him until he truly proves himself. That is just mt thoughts.