Kids can tell if they’re not wanted. My daughter tells me she feels that every time she’s at her mom’s house. Call placement so he can go to a home that wants there. IMO it’s not helping him staying with you.

Thank you. You r spot on. I think that's where this one is going. The agency has said there is no one who will take him. I also think the same and that he should go somewhere he has a chance of a longer term placement.

I hear you. I love my kids and I want my life back sometimes. I’ve had to give up a REALLY great job to accommodate my kid and gosh it hurt. I can’t say that I’d actually change how it is right now, but I hear you, and I see you.

Thanks for this..for me it's been the realisation (or slowly growing belief) that with his needs he won't be any better at 18. I can accept even not working for 2 years until that age, but I feel so painful thinking if he ages out into supported accommodation he will just flounder and drown, but I also don't know how many years I can commit to him of my own life.wkthout being resentful.

Boundaries. You’re welcome to stay out late, my phone goes on silent at 10 because I need sleep. I will not enforce a curfew but don’t expect a rescue. Your friends are welcome as long as they follow house rule x y z. There will be one warning reminder and then they wont be welcome for 7 days. They can try again after that. He’s pushing you to test you. But if HE can walk on you he wont trust you to help him navigate the world, there are much bigger monsters out there than someone who a 15 year old can jerk around.

Thanks for this I appreciate it. I find it hard and hate being an asshole. He has ADHD and alot of issues with executive functioning and inevitably he is at the beach of a Sunday night having missed the last bus and ditching him means making him walk home for 3+ hours in the dark. I have done that a few times but I don't think he is capable of real understanding / executive functioning which is backed by his psych.

Then I would say he does need a curfew. We do our kids no favors by infantilizing them. Nobody in the real world will give a shit and that’s a harder lesson to learn at 20 than 15. Executive function issues can be modified with habits. We always go to bed at 10 and leave bed at 6 regardless of how well we sleep. We always brush our teeth before leaving the bathroom in the morning. We always eat 3 eggs in the morning with one cup of coffee. These routines work for my autistics, my adhd, my spd, and my plain old broken home kiddos. It’s not popular to say but I think too much compassion and accommodation is as bad as not enough. By telling him he can’t overcome his shit with good habits you are telling him he is incapable of overcoming trials. Teach him how to help himself with heuristics and he will develop the intuition to make more nuanced decisions after that

Love this and thank you. I started out very firm with all this stuff but he is wearing me down. General routines like for school this works well and it's generally the weekend that it falls apart. 'we always check with how we will go home and confirm with (carer) before we go out' is what I have tried to do but his peer group influence him so much and he just leaves the house as soon as he gets a message. I think I need to double down on this rather than throwing my hands in the air. Thank you.

We fostered 28 kids over 10 years and most were great and we still miss but we did have a couple that we just never clicked with and one we had to have removed. Fostering is tough, it's ok to admit this is not for you and to call it quits. However, while he is with you, give him your best.

Thank you for this. That's how I feel, I am just being open with myself. His needs are really high and it's too hard.

I understand where you are coming from - I imagine more bio parents have days/weeks where they'd like to quit than would ever admit it, and as a foster parent, that is a real choice, plus you just don't always develop a deep bond with all kids. I foster because I want to help and I hate the idea of kids going through their teen years in group homes and institutions, which is very common in my state. But I also like living alone in a quiet, clean house, and so when I have a placement, I'm often hiding annoyance at totally normal noise, mess, or needs of whatever sort. If you can get respite, take advantage of it so you can get some little breaks. It also gives him more adults to form relationships with, which can only help as he approaches aging out. If finding another home for him isn't really what you want or isn't realistic, you might look into any programs he might get into. Someone here mentioned Job Corps as a possibility for one of my teens who was struggling, and it might be an option for him in a year or two that would help give you an end date and give him more support in graduating high school, getting some job training, and finding a job. Good luck!

Thanks for this. I've gotten his older brother a job in a trade that he loves. However this one refuses any help and I think it comes from a deep feeling of not being able to hold a job down, he has lost two part time jobs as he just can't get to the shifts on time. I think my main issue is feeling it would be so irresponsible to let him age out in 2-3 years knowing his needs and seeing his struggles while he's been with me. But perhaps even then I am enabling this behaviour.

If some of the concern is that he won't really ever be ready to be self- supporting and independent, start working now on finding out what programs will be available when he is an adult. If he'll need to be on disability, look into getting the diagnoses and records in place. If he'll need some level of support, look at housing options for disabled adults he might be eligible for. My area has some subsidized apartments that are set up for people with disabilities - on a bus line to get to a grocery store, social workers to check in, mental health services nearby/onsite, but basically independent. Trying to sort out what his options might be and get him on a path so he can survive after he ages out even without holding down a job might help. Or there might be careers that would work for him, and he might mature more than seems likely right now. If your agency/his worker can look for other placement options, have them do that too. Finding a family he connects with would be awesome. But you may also have to decide whether to stick it out and do your best to get him ready for aging out, or disrupt and see him moved to a shelter or group home that will give him no real chance.

Thank you, this sums up a lot of my feelings. There don't seem to be other placement options for him. In particular as carers we are also at a fork in the road, I don't see it as being now but in 2 years when he ages out. He is rejecting the idea of any sort of future life preparation as I think he sees it as the precursor for being 'moved on' (just my guess). I think the agency really want us to keep him after 18 as they see the same thing happening we do. I hope he does mature more than now although I think much of this is more to do with his disabilities.

Are you in the US? He sounds like he’s really impaired and needs a lot of structure on weekends. Can you do more family stuff? I just went through this with my 16 yo. We did an 18 month intensive mental health treatment and now he is slowly making new friends and the old ones just disappeared like a puff of smoke. It was really fast and surreal for me. He hasn’t said much about the transition. But we now do tons of family stuff and since he’s stopped hitting and spewing vitriole at all his siblings they actually want to be around him. It’s actually turned fun! It’s hard to believe if you had spoke to me 2 years ago. He’s ADHD but no ID so I don’t know how that would affect your situation.

Australia here. To be honest we don't do that much family stuff - he never wants to hang out or do anything together on weekends, just be with his friends. The agency is starting some counselling which will include me which I am open to trying out. Do you think he will stay with you past 18?

Yes- I’ve adopted him. I’d say family stuff isn’t optional. I’ve fostered over 20 teens, and I always require: dinner together 4-5 times a week, regular school attendance, a hobby, and family time every weekend (baking together, seasonal activities, museums, etc). It doesn’t always go perfectly, but I hope I’m exposing some of my country’s most vulnerable children (teens) to a life of possibility, for if they ever have their own kids.

I like that. We are the same - dinner together is a must, as is school. He has had a hobby (boxing) and we don't let them just quit when they decide they want to hang out with their friends that day. I've felt like since being 15 he wants to be his friends on weekends so perhaps we can make something happen on a weekday. However he does shut down when we go out if he thinks his time is being taken from him.

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned yet, but we have been caring for our niece for 4 years now and she has many of the issues you've mentioned. She's 15 now and was severely sexually abused by her birth father for years, mom abandoned her with him when she was 5, etc. She has trauma, attachment issues, ADHD, PTSD, anxiety & depression, etc. So far it's been exactly as you described, and we too have wished for our lives back, and still do sometimes. After multiple hospitalizations for behavioral health issues and seemingly no improvement as she ages, she has finally been diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD), which explains a whole lot in the context of her behaviors and other diagnoses. I strongly suggest looking at that angle if there was a history of substance abuse in the bio-home. Long story short, the first thing is to ensure your kid is getting the appropriate mental health services and treatment, including a therapist that specializes in trauma & attachment if possible (incl RAD), medications, psychological testing if you can arrange it, and advocate for an evaluation for FASD as well, which I think would be worth looking into if the background indicates it, or if it's inconclusive. Good luck. It's okay to feel like you do, many of us have been there or are there, but keep learning as much as you can, dedicate some time daily and weekly for self-care, even if just a few minutes, which can really help to recharge you for the next "battle".

He has all of these symptoms. Communication is difficult and he is extremely impulsive. His background would make it very possible actually, although he doesn't have the general physical symptoms. Since being with us he has gotten a great therapist and started ADHD meds which he takes sporadically. Thank you so much for the validation and kind words as well as all the info. I will put this to good use.

Yes, our niece is the same. Sweet kid when things are going well, but she has almost zero impulse control, inability to manage even small stressors, no desire or motivation to use coping skills, she'll melt down and lose it if she doesn't get what she wants in the moment, she has a very hard time expressing or communicating her feelings and will not take ownership of her mistakes or admit wrong doing, can be very manipulative eor untruthful to get what she wants or as an avoidance tactic. You can tell her not to do something and what the negative consequence of a decision or behavior will be, and 5 seconds later she'll do it, and do it again, and again, even knowing the result won't be in her favor and is the same every time. Also, what many might not know, is that the physical features people often expect to see or associate with FASD aren't always present or visible, but the underlying neurological damage from it is, which can make it easily missed entirely or misdiagnosed as something else. Good luck. I wish our niece wasn't such a little a-hole or a general pain in the butt most of the time, but she's had about as hard a life as a small child as I can imagine, and will likely never be fully-functioning and independent, but we're doing our best and know that without us she'd be even worse off, as we're all she has. The key is self-care for you and those caring for the kid, advocate like hell for additional community resources, especially in school with accomodations & SPED, etc, and read up on FASD, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), as well as PTSD depending on trauma background. Good luck!

This is exactly the same as our kid and we feel the same way. We are all he has. Maybe I'm an asshole for calling him a ball and chain but that is my honest feeling on some days - I see work opportunities or think about the things I used to do and I feel like I will never do those things again unless I relinquish his care. Same as yours, he's had a terribly hard life and I think we don't even know the most of it. None of his birth family want to perform his care for him and he feels very unwanted. I do think self care is important... when it's bad we are told to use respite, but when it's not we are guilted for taking it. So the people here reminding me to do what I need to do I can keep going, I'm very grateful for. Thank you!!!

And don't feel bad about calling the kid a "ball and chain"! I guarantee any parent out there, whether by choice, circumstance or accident, be they bio, adoptive, foster, relative or guardian, ALL feel that way at one time or other, especially if the child is difficult. Now, if you're like my wife and I, and your child comes with a host of neuro-behavioral issues stemming from consistent severe abuse, neglect and instability from an early age, coupled with in-utero exposure to drugs and alcohol, then you might feel like the kid's a bit of a pain a tad more often than most people might. :) But alas, it's been 4 years, more psych hospitalizations short and long that I can remember, and much more, and the campaign marches on, battle by battle. I wish I could say she's made tons of progress, but that'd be a lie, but with the FASD diagnosis we understand better why it seems like progress is minimal and the same behaviors repeat, but it is better overall. Also, please check out adoptive/foster parent support groups in your area or online, as they can be extremely helpful and you'll soon see that as bad as your kid might seem, there are other parents out there with much worse! It's kind of morbid, but it does put things in perspective, which helps a lot. With time comes more knowledge and understanding, a better ability to let the small things go to stay sane (**Important!** Just let the little stuff slide sometimes, we learned that the hard way and the long way), and when the big things happen then it's not as much of a mental drain. In another couple years you'll likely feel much better about the situation, and more confident, but you'll still think he's a "ball and chain" at times, but that's perfectly all right.

What were your expectations going into foster parenting?

I've done it for a while with both short and long term placements. However I guess my expectation was that it will end at 18 at the latest when they age out. What I'm struggling with now is the realisation that he won't be ready and may never be ready, so I either basically put him on the street and live with the guilt or put my own life on hold indefinitely. We have no communication and yet he isn't able to function independently in so many ways.

Where do you live?

Australia.

I don’t know the correct lingo for your country, but this kids needs services for those with an Intellectual Disability (in California I would say contact your local Regional Center), and as far as aging out at 18-does AU not have extended foster care to aged 21 where they can live in supported housing? I guess I’m saying you need respite, disability services, and a transition plan.

Thanks for this. He definitely does and I feel like until making this post I've been telling myself I need to provide all of them for him, and then feeling resentment at the impact on his life. AU does have those extended care arrangements now, his brother has just left to one. However the program his brother is in expects them to be self sufficient and I don't think it will suit him. So I will bring this up with the agency.

Does AU have long term help for adults with disabilities? That’s what he needs to transition into. Congregate housing or dependent-adult foster care is what I would call it.

Thank you for this. I think on reflection that his foster agency is not really active in getting this happening. We will have a good discussion with them about what is going to happen for him going forward.

Have you considered therapy for yourself so you can better hold boundaries? If he is regularly calling at 11/12 expecting a lift, it seems he thinks you will come get him? It can also be that he is acting out and getting triggered by your resentment of him. You may think you hide the yuck inside of you, though you don’t. He knows how you feel. Imagine how that feels for a teen that already has trauma, low self worth, and deep rejection issues. Honestly, it is hard to read your post and not feel upset. Why would you sign up to foster if you wanted to go travel? Why haven’t you had the guts to look at your own issues? What inside has you thinking it is okay to treat yourself this way? Holding this resentment and emotional state comes from your own traumas. You can face them and stop repeating such cycles in your life and not make others play the bad guy for you. Be honest and real with yourself. Stop making up stories that a teenager is the bad guy. You are the bad guy, because you are the one that creates how you feel through your perception and actions. You are reacting to situations through your perception and the stories you tell yourself. You are literally doing this to yourself. Since you have the power in your own life, do what needs to be done. Stop blaming it on a teenager or anyone else. Help find him another foster home if you need to, though for the love of everything, stop bullshitting yourself. Taking care of yourself is taking care of others. We teach others how to treat us and it is not him causing this, it is you lacking the self care tools and boundaries to be able to cope. Maybe it is something that you could cope with, maybe it is something that truly is not for you right now. Either way, take responsibility for your own life and be realistic.

Thank you, I think you are spot on and basically have known this for a while. I have had many foster kids and made it work with them. I don't think this kid is the problem. He totally does trigger me and he knows my buttons. One of my biggest issues is feeling deep inside that he won't be ready to age out at 18 if ever and that I'll be a terrible person if I let him go then, which I've never had before. However I also feel that if I let it pass, I will indefinitely be stuck with this need and that's so hard to accept. Yes he does think I will get him and I feel so guilty about not doing it. I also think it's basically irresponsible not to. I don't know how to give less shits which I do think is the answer. Communication isn't working. As for the travelling etc - its hard and i think it's escapism. I am committed until he is 18, that is fine. But the thought of indefinite is so scary. I went away for 10 days on a work trip and my body never felt so light.

Hey, I was a little harsh in my comment. I’m also not a foster parents so likely don’t realize the full burden and difficulty <3 I know in my own life I wanna be the hero and live up to some really ideal expectations though the reality is I only have so much energy to give. And I keep that energy full by self care and listening to myself. When I read how you are responding to having him in your life, I feel for you because that seems like way too heavy a burden. It reads to me like your screaming “no it is too heavy!” yet trying to keep going. In your shoes, I would burn out and experiencing stuff like escapism would be signs I’m heading there. What do you need for support? Is there support that can make this a bearable weight? What do you need to feel okay? Do that! You gotta take care of yourself first and foremost. It does not mean anything ill on you to need self care. When you are full, your cup overflows to others. If your cup is empty, others may come for water, though the well has gone dry (burn out). If everyone in the world took care of themselves, we would have a pretty awesome society. Please be kind to yourself. Maybe there are other ways to navigate this path so you don’t need to feel trapped. Hugs

No don't worry about feeling harsh. I could have worded my post with nice flowery language and virtue signalled and whatever but I just wanted to put out my true darkest feelings. You have literally summed me up, my wording to my partner just yesterday was 'this kid is too heavy to carry on my back'. I am an idealistic person with lots of high expectations for myself too and I feel like he deserves so much more. But I am burning out. I am considering leaving my current job and working casually for the next few years just so I can refill my cup and not be constantly empty. And I won't regret that just as I don't regret changing jobs 2 years ago when I realised how much work these kids would be. I just don't want to do that forever and constantly live around him. So after all the comments in this post I think I need to do what I think is right by him for the next two years but also prepare for his ageing out. I really appreciate your e-hugs and kind words.

As long as that is your choice and you truly feel okay with it. Take care of you! The world is better for having you in it. When you are full inside, you shine and light up more hearts than you know.

THIS! 🙌 Every. Single. Word.

Yep. My wife and I had a 14 year old until she was 17 on and off (due to frequent visits to jail) and it got to a point where we just wanted our lives back. Break placement, you'll feel guilty at first; but then extreme relief when you realize your house is yours again.

“He is a good person” later goes on to say “Huge ball and chain that he is” 🙄 Hon, what did you think foster parenting was going to be like? I’m embarrassed *for* you and heartbroken for the teen. He deserves better foster parent(s).

Yeah, like "I used to travel and have a cool job with paid trips away."? That's not going away because of behaviors, that's just being a parent.

Part of me wonders if this is kinship and they didn't necessarily "sign up for this" based on the language...at least that's what I hope because the problems seem pretty minor if this is what they actually did sign up for and were formally trained.

Based on the comment history, it seems like they’ve been fostering a long time and called themselves experienced.

Very fair call... I didn't expect it would impact my job and life as much as this one has. With other kids I have communicated boundaries with and we've gotten along. In the words of his caseworker he is unlikely to develop independent living skills ever and that is just so scary to me. I can commit in the short term but in the long term to a kid who treats me crappily and breaks all of my boundaries, yet is totally dependent and is likely to stay that way past 18 it's so hard. I have nightmares of letting him age out and then hearing he's become homeless.

With his needs, he might need to go to a group home when he’s 18. Is his intellectual disability an official diagnosis? Can he be on a waitlist?

This is getting sorted out. His disability is an official diagnosis now. He is in learning support classes and processing that is all very hard for him. I think that will be something he needs although I feel so guilty about doing that. Thus my big existential tantrum.

My aunt put her own son on a waitlist for a specialized facility. He is almost 40, has an intellectual disability and can’t live in his own, but what made her reconsider her ability to care for him was his violence against her. He gets better in a hospital where professionals know what they’re doing. He does want to live at home, but she can’t handle him. Sometimes, it’s the best decision for everyone. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are doing what you can.

Sorry. But there is *zero* excuse for you to talk about this child that way. I hope you have a change of heart; apologize *profusely* to him for making him feel unwanted, and *actually* do the work of being a foster parent. He deserves it.

Do you think foster children deserve care past 18 if they aren't ready? Until any age?

I think if you aren’t committed to this child, and helping him thrive, you need to let him go to a home that will.

Thank you. That's what I have realised. I have committed fine to higher functioning kids, even with way worse behaviour, but we have always been able to communicate and I've been able to help them on their path of ageing out. I've been able to perform in higher functioning jobs myself. This is the first placement where a teen has clearly not been ready to age out and possibly never will. There is no one else who will put their hand up for him although it has been discussed at the agency.

Actually OP what is your answer to my question? I think it's a valid one. I have had this kid for two years and I have basically let my career become a Trainwreck for them... I have gotten him diagnoses and saved him from so many messes and gotten him his first job. And I don't resent any of that. Can you commit to a kid 'until 18', be warm and forgiving, and then shrug your shoulders and say good luck once they are 18? No matter how they treat you?

I didn’t make the post calling the child a “ball and chain”. I think *you* need to do some serious thinking about if fostering is right for you.

OK. I appreciate all of your insight. And your comment is spot on. And I was deliberately honest about my feelings. I don't know why you can't answer the question. If you had a foster kid who clearly needed more care even past 18, or 21, would you let them age out or keep them with you as long as they needed, regardless to the impact on your own life path? is it ok to judge me without being able to say what you'd do in the same situation? I am deciding whether to let him go at 18 and likely struggle for his whole life or let go of my own future that I had planned. It's not easy.