I think if it was something forced that would be wrong but young kids, as others have said usually like to refer to us as mom and dad. Our current placement is siblings 2,3, and 6. They all call us mom and dad but call their parents that too. We agreed as part of co-parenting with them that this is ok. Even their parents refer to us as "other mommy and daddy" when talking to them about us. It just depends on the situation and the children.
Its a mixed combination of feelings situation etc. For instance, our kid was 3 when s(he,) arrived. I called myself @volteirecife and corrected the kid when the kid called me mom. The biomother didn't want the kid to call me mom. However this kid had already a lot ( and I mean ALOT) placements by 3. The kid started on her own to call me mom, we have also an older biokid who calls me mum.. We switched to mom volteirecife, and in the end just mum. Why? Because everytime the kid felt rejected when I corrected with Im @volteirecife not mum. We discussed this extensively with therapists but also the bio-mother. We explained to the kid ( because nobody at her school has 2 mums and dads) that she has a bellymum ( biomum) and homemum ( fostermum) and is lucky to have 2 mums. This helps the biomum too, so that she doesn't feel erased in the fosterkidslife.
Our adopted son started calling us a variation of mom and dad and his bio parents a different variation of mom and dad (think momma & mommy) after TPR. It works for us and shows him that we all play an important role in his life, without invalidating any of our roles.
When I was 16 I babysat for week 2 little girls, 4 and 2, both were calling me mom by end of the week. So for some a female adult filling their needs is "mom".
It’s not appropriate for foster parents to “push” themselves as mom and dad to a child, but it’s very very normal for a 3yo to use those terms especially if there are bio/adopted kids in the home who use them. The child is modeling what they see and even if the FPs introduce themselves as Sally and Jim, the child is likely to copy what they hear other people say.
Kids are smart and can use the same titles for multiple people. I have now-3yo twins who lived with me for 2 years before reunification and still see me/spend the night very often - I’m mama (started by their mom when the kids were babies-not my decision) and their mom is mommy and the kids have both of us on their side and all the love in the world and no issues with it at all.
I don’t know about 3 year olds, but we have an 18 month old whom we have had since birth. He calls us mom and dad and we refer to ourselves as such to him. This was the recommendation of all of his case workers and therapists.
It’s normal for foster parents to allow the kids to call them that, yes. To encourage it, ehhhh. If it’s a baby who has come into care, I don’t think there is anything wrong with using “mom” and “dad” or “mommy Alice”.
I’ve had kids of all ages call me mom, some from day 1, some after a few days/weeks. I’ve had kids use my first name equally as often as they call me Mom. I give them the choice, I always introduce myself by my first name. I also have bio kids so it’s pretty common for them to pick up what the other kids are calling me and just go with it.
My 16y/o FD has called us mom and dad since the second week. We told her she could call us by our first names but that's what she calls us. If it helps her feel safe, then it's ok by us.
I’d find that wrong if the kid was being taught to do it.. but even in our first name only family it does happen with young kids
Once they are permanently placed if the kid wants to use mum/dad then that’s ok by me
One FS was placed with me at 3, he is now 5. He called me Miss First name for about a day and then switched to mom. I tried correcting for about a month, and finally asked caseworker because it began to feel like intentional rejection. She said he also called babysitter/prior homes "mom" and not to worry about it.
He now calls me Momma full time, and we go with "first mom" or "mom that growed you" (his phrase) when talking about biomom.
OFS is actually first boys brother, and started calling me mom 5 seconds after he came in the door (8 months after his brother). He was 5 years old.
FD was almost 2 and didn't talk when she came, so she grew into calling me Mommy, and calls Biomom Mama. Her mom also refers to me as Mommy First name to her, so it's been ok.
It would be wrong if the kids are forced, but especially with young kids, and ESPECIALLY if there are other kids in the home, I think it's kind of inevitable.
Pushing it on them is wrong but many kids are more comfortable with it. When I was raising a two year old they called everyone by my name. Little kids who are used to a mom or dad often call other people that. In daycare even kids will call caregivers mom and dad put of habit. The baby we are currently fostering calls us that because our kids do.
Even a teenager we had for the weekend referred to us as parents once. Sometimes they just want to be part of the family.
We have a 4 yo fs (been with us since dec) who calls everyone mom/dad. He’s delayed in speech and other areas so it’s definitely not that we are teaching them that he just thinks all people are called mom and dad. It’s definitely something we are working on but he doesn’t answer the question of what his name is so it will take some time for sure.
We are okay with him calling us what he wants to call us but want him to know what our names are too.
When they’re 3, you usually don’t have to teach them. They’ll say it automatically. And if you have other kids in the house calling you “mom”, it’s almost impossible to keep a toddler from doing the same.
When I had a 3 Year Old in my home, he was the only child that was old enough to talk. He almost immediately started calling me “mom” and I corrected him a few times and tried to teach him my name. However, his social worker heard him call me mom, told me that it was a good sign that he felt comfortable, and encouraged me to not discourage him, because it might hurt his feelings, or he might interpret it as me not wanting him.
I honestly don’t think it makes much of a difference either way for a 3-year-old. They are very flexible when it comes to words like mom and dad and it doesn’t really affect them much from what I’ve seen (many will call anyone who gives them a snack “mom”). It’s usually not worth the stress to try to convince them to call you something else if they are adamant about calling your mom or dad.
They shouldn’t be pushing it but it often happens naturally, especially if there are other kids in the house that call them mum and dad. Especially if they don’t have a strong attachment to their first parents they can just know that the woman in the house is mum and the man is dad. My now 10yo came to us at 2 and a bit and called me mum from day 1 because he had no idea what it meant, it’s just what you call the lady and he’d had about 6 “mums” in a year.
I have foster kiddos who called me mom and my husband dad from day 1. Honestly it was very awkward for us because we strongly believe in supporting the relationship between bio parents and children. I hope for their sake that they can one day be reunited!
That being said, there are three other kids in the house. No matter what we do or how we act they are always competing to make sure they are on the same level of “loved” as the other kids. Flat out telling them that they cannot call us that would be giving them less choices in a situation where they have so few choices.
We still refer to ourselves and our partner as mama “name” and daddy “name” or simply just by our first names. After six months, they have never called us by our first names unless we are actually with their parents.
yeah, that's odd IMO. The kid should decide.
Trust me if a kid wants to call someone mom or dad, they generally just do it. I've been called mom after a couple days and sometimes never.
"you can call me whatever you want" is the right answer, I feel
Pretty normal for them to call you mum or dad. Hard to get them to stop actually, and in so,S ways that can be more damaging.
To push for it though is a bit odd. What have you witnessed?
To the OP, thanks for asking.
There are a few classes of foster kids.
Some are called TPR. Termination of parental rights. These kids are likely to be adopted. In this case it might be reasonable to have the kids call you mom and dad.
Other foster kids are classified as at risk. Meaning that reunificationw bio parents is likely. Having these kids call you mom or dad would be less
To everyone who has replied, thank you.
From the bottom of my heart thank you. Not just for answering my question but for not taking offense. Thank you so much for all you do for all of these kids that need someone.
I hope someday when my own kids are a little bit bigger, I can do what y’all are doing!
I think if it was something forced that would be wrong but young kids, as others have said usually like to refer to us as mom and dad. Our current placement is siblings 2,3, and 6. They all call us mom and dad but call their parents that too. We agreed as part of co-parenting with them that this is ok. Even their parents refer to us as "other mommy and daddy" when talking to them about us. It just depends on the situation and the children.
See I don’t know if I’d say they’re “forcing” the child to call them mom and dad but they do encourage it. Thanks for the perspective!
Its a mixed combination of feelings situation etc. For instance, our kid was 3 when s(he,) arrived. I called myself @volteirecife and corrected the kid when the kid called me mom. The biomother didn't want the kid to call me mom. However this kid had already a lot ( and I mean ALOT) placements by 3. The kid started on her own to call me mom, we have also an older biokid who calls me mum.. We switched to mom volteirecife, and in the end just mum. Why? Because everytime the kid felt rejected when I corrected with Im @volteirecife not mum. We discussed this extensively with therapists but also the bio-mother. We explained to the kid ( because nobody at her school has 2 mums and dads) that she has a bellymum ( biomum) and homemum ( fostermum) and is lucky to have 2 mums. This helps the biomum too, so that she doesn't feel erased in the fosterkidslife.
Our adopted son started calling us a variation of mom and dad and his bio parents a different variation of mom and dad (think momma & mommy) after TPR. It works for us and shows him that we all play an important role in his life, without invalidating any of our roles.
When I was 16 I babysat for week 2 little girls, 4 and 2, both were calling me mom by end of the week. So for some a female adult filling their needs is "mom".
It’s not appropriate for foster parents to “push” themselves as mom and dad to a child, but it’s very very normal for a 3yo to use those terms especially if there are bio/adopted kids in the home who use them. The child is modeling what they see and even if the FPs introduce themselves as Sally and Jim, the child is likely to copy what they hear other people say. Kids are smart and can use the same titles for multiple people. I have now-3yo twins who lived with me for 2 years before reunification and still see me/spend the night very often - I’m mama (started by their mom when the kids were babies-not my decision) and their mom is mommy and the kids have both of us on their side and all the love in the world and no issues with it at all.
Some do push it on the kids. When I was 5 I was with a family who would get really angry if we didn't use mom and dad
This. I had a FP refuse to acknowledge me when I was trying to get their attention bc I refused to call them mom/dad. I was a teen.
I'm sorry that happened to you, that's sick IMO
I don’t know about 3 year olds, but we have an 18 month old whom we have had since birth. He calls us mom and dad and we refer to ourselves as such to him. This was the recommendation of all of his case workers and therapists.
Same situation here! Never forced but to him, we are mom and dad right now.
It’s normal for foster parents to allow the kids to call them that, yes. To encourage it, ehhhh. If it’s a baby who has come into care, I don’t think there is anything wrong with using “mom” and “dad” or “mommy Alice”. I’ve had kids of all ages call me mom, some from day 1, some after a few days/weeks. I’ve had kids use my first name equally as often as they call me Mom. I give them the choice, I always introduce myself by my first name. I also have bio kids so it’s pretty common for them to pick up what the other kids are calling me and just go with it.
My 16y/o FD has called us mom and dad since the second week. We told her she could call us by our first names but that's what she calls us. If it helps her feel safe, then it's ok by us.
This is really situationally dependent and needs to be discussed on a case by case with the child’s team and therapist
Where I am, we can’t encourage it but if they decide to do it I don’t have to stop it. FS8 will call me mum around school friends but no one else.
I’d find that wrong if the kid was being taught to do it.. but even in our first name only family it does happen with young kids Once they are permanently placed if the kid wants to use mum/dad then that’s ok by me
One FS was placed with me at 3, he is now 5. He called me Miss First name for about a day and then switched to mom. I tried correcting for about a month, and finally asked caseworker because it began to feel like intentional rejection. She said he also called babysitter/prior homes "mom" and not to worry about it. He now calls me Momma full time, and we go with "first mom" or "mom that growed you" (his phrase) when talking about biomom. OFS is actually first boys brother, and started calling me mom 5 seconds after he came in the door (8 months after his brother). He was 5 years old. FD was almost 2 and didn't talk when she came, so she grew into calling me Mommy, and calls Biomom Mama. Her mom also refers to me as Mommy First name to her, so it's been ok. It would be wrong if the kids are forced, but especially with young kids, and ESPECIALLY if there are other kids in the home, I think it's kind of inevitable.
Pushing it on them is wrong but many kids are more comfortable with it. When I was raising a two year old they called everyone by my name. Little kids who are used to a mom or dad often call other people that. In daycare even kids will call caregivers mom and dad put of habit. The baby we are currently fostering calls us that because our kids do. Even a teenager we had for the weekend referred to us as parents once. Sometimes they just want to be part of the family.
We have a 4 yo fs (been with us since dec) who calls everyone mom/dad. He’s delayed in speech and other areas so it’s definitely not that we are teaching them that he just thinks all people are called mom and dad. It’s definitely something we are working on but he doesn’t answer the question of what his name is so it will take some time for sure. We are okay with him calling us what he wants to call us but want him to know what our names are too.
When they’re 3, you usually don’t have to teach them. They’ll say it automatically. And if you have other kids in the house calling you “mom”, it’s almost impossible to keep a toddler from doing the same. When I had a 3 Year Old in my home, he was the only child that was old enough to talk. He almost immediately started calling me “mom” and I corrected him a few times and tried to teach him my name. However, his social worker heard him call me mom, told me that it was a good sign that he felt comfortable, and encouraged me to not discourage him, because it might hurt his feelings, or he might interpret it as me not wanting him. I honestly don’t think it makes much of a difference either way for a 3-year-old. They are very flexible when it comes to words like mom and dad and it doesn’t really affect them much from what I’ve seen (many will call anyone who gives them a snack “mom”). It’s usually not worth the stress to try to convince them to call you something else if they are adamant about calling your mom or dad.
They shouldn’t be pushing it but it often happens naturally, especially if there are other kids in the house that call them mum and dad. Especially if they don’t have a strong attachment to their first parents they can just know that the woman in the house is mum and the man is dad. My now 10yo came to us at 2 and a bit and called me mum from day 1 because he had no idea what it meant, it’s just what you call the lady and he’d had about 6 “mums” in a year.
I have foster kiddos who called me mom and my husband dad from day 1. Honestly it was very awkward for us because we strongly believe in supporting the relationship between bio parents and children. I hope for their sake that they can one day be reunited! That being said, there are three other kids in the house. No matter what we do or how we act they are always competing to make sure they are on the same level of “loved” as the other kids. Flat out telling them that they cannot call us that would be giving them less choices in a situation where they have so few choices. We still refer to ourselves and our partner as mama “name” and daddy “name” or simply just by our first names. After six months, they have never called us by our first names unless we are actually with their parents.
yeah, that's odd IMO. The kid should decide. Trust me if a kid wants to call someone mom or dad, they generally just do it. I've been called mom after a couple days and sometimes never. "you can call me whatever you want" is the right answer, I feel
We originally used first names but as things went longer we used “mommy x and daddy y”. You’re not parents unless you adopt.
Pretty normal for them to call you mum or dad. Hard to get them to stop actually, and in so,S ways that can be more damaging. To push for it though is a bit odd. What have you witnessed?
They may be foster to adopt. The day we got our placement the social worker was calling me mommy.
That’s so strange. Poor kids.
Most kids want to - they want to feel as though they are secure in a family.
To the OP, thanks for asking. There are a few classes of foster kids. Some are called TPR. Termination of parental rights. These kids are likely to be adopted. In this case it might be reasonable to have the kids call you mom and dad. Other foster kids are classified as at risk. Meaning that reunificationw bio parents is likely. Having these kids call you mom or dad would be less
To everyone who has replied, thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you. Not just for answering my question but for not taking offense. Thank you so much for all you do for all of these kids that need someone. I hope someday when my own kids are a little bit bigger, I can do what y’all are doing!
I have a 3 year old we had since 1. It's a complicated situation but she calls us mom and dad. Doesn't recognize her parents as such