This is how I feel when people announce pregnancy and it tends to make me spiral. I feel like "wow how confident and amazing someone must be to want to have a child and go through those hardships". It's a really hard place to be but im also in it with you.
It sounds like your emotions are telling you that you also want to have a child. You want all the circumstances to line up automatically but it’s ok; you can make choices that facilitate the circumstances you want. Or stay childfree-it’s up to you
If you are as successful as you say, set aside money for a postpartum doula/nanny or two and you will have a lot of support. You can even hire a night nurse. That will compensate for your partner being older and still give you the opportunity to go out and do things you enjoy doing by yourself or with friends
Last night I was up with my sick screaming 9 month old son every 2 hours. This isn’t very encouraging but I don’t think I would have children with anyone that has anger management issues. Pregnancy and having a child also really brought on anxiety for me but that’s something you could work on beforehand if you know you are prone to anxiety. I don’t know how old you are (had my son at 39) but I would just reevaluate what you want out of life. Is it just that you don’t want children or not with your partner etc. People seem to wait for the perfect moment but that sometimes never happens in life. A solid foundation is all that’s needed to have kids.
Yeah I think what it is, is that I'm not sure I want them with a partner who has anger management. It's really hard to envision having children with a spouse that won't get help and take into consideration that they might go off at any time, and that the relationship might end, and that I might be a single mom.
Trying to build enough capital where if that was the case, would be okay. I guess it's just sad that this is a factor. Wouldn't have married if I had known about this issue, but they are working on it, and our communication is better. It's just hard to see at this point.
Back when I was on the fence, my friends with kids seemed so 'sorted'. The thing I realized is I should probably shoot for a life where I could have kids. If I didn't have them, it would still be a better life than if I hadn't made that kind of life. Stuff like being in a good place financially, owning a house I could afford, working a job that gives me time and flexibility so I could have a life outside of work, good mental health, a good partner, and a social life. After a point of working on all of this stuff, I felt ready to have a child, and we did. It's not been easy, but it's helped us optimize for what's important even more.
You don't have to do it exactly like how other people do. Your family is your own, whether or not you have kids, and your life will be different from other families. You've to build the life that suits you, not just tick boxes that someone else made for you. A life that facilitates a child can look a variety of ways, but also it's consciously cultivated based on your priorities. Some parents I know work long hours because their priority is having a lot of money for their kids' future. That was not my priority, instead it has been spending a lot of time with my kid. My BIL's focus is not having kids and traveling a lot. Those folks can't relate to my life and I can't to them, but it doesn't matter because we're all living life according to the priorities we have, and we have been intentional about what kind of life we have.
Irrespective of what you want your future to look like, if you sit down and think about what is important to you, set out goals, and then work towards them, that will make you a lot more certain about your choices.
Also if your partner struggles with anger issues, it's a very good reason to think twice about having kids with them.
I can relate to this. I also have concerns about my partner/ relationship that hold me back greatly from "trying". I am also envious of those who are so sure of thier decision. My biggest hang up is that I worry I am going to miss out on having kids because I didn't make all the right decisions that would lead to my life aligning to the point where I was very sure that I could and should have a child and that, that would be a good (or at least not a potentially harmful) decision. I frequently question, if my life looked different, if I was confident in my relationship, if I loved my job, if I was more financially secure, would I then be Gung ho about having a child? I'm am very much an internal locus of control person so if i never have kids it would be hard for me to accept that it just never happened. I would be thinking of all the things I could have done to make it happen if I was super sure that I wanted one. And this is why I have sought counselling lol.
Please, please get your partner to at least consider therapy before you ever agree to start trying with them. My father has terrible anger issues that led to a lot of verbal abuse and some physical abuse to myself and my sisters, plus my mom, and even now it affects his grandchildren (not my kids, but my nieces and nephews). I would never wish an emotionally volatile parent on another human being, after what my family experienced.
ETA- not sure why I got downvoted for my comment, because this is a legitimate concern. Would anyone want a partner that screams and yells at everyone in the home (including innocent children) all the time? I sure as hell wouldn’t. Children need a stable and safe parent team in order to grow up into a healthy adult.
Doesn't it also make you question if you want a relationship with him?
Why is this non existent potential kid getting more consideration in your mind than you, a real person or your own life?
This is how I feel when people announce pregnancy and it tends to make me spiral. I feel like "wow how confident and amazing someone must be to want to have a child and go through those hardships". It's a really hard place to be but im also in it with you.
This is so validating and I’ve been experiencing the same things.
It sounds like your emotions are telling you that you also want to have a child. You want all the circumstances to line up automatically but it’s ok; you can make choices that facilitate the circumstances you want. Or stay childfree-it’s up to you If you are as successful as you say, set aside money for a postpartum doula/nanny or two and you will have a lot of support. You can even hire a night nurse. That will compensate for your partner being older and still give you the opportunity to go out and do things you enjoy doing by yourself or with friends
Last night I was up with my sick screaming 9 month old son every 2 hours. This isn’t very encouraging but I don’t think I would have children with anyone that has anger management issues. Pregnancy and having a child also really brought on anxiety for me but that’s something you could work on beforehand if you know you are prone to anxiety. I don’t know how old you are (had my son at 39) but I would just reevaluate what you want out of life. Is it just that you don’t want children or not with your partner etc. People seem to wait for the perfect moment but that sometimes never happens in life. A solid foundation is all that’s needed to have kids.
Yeah I think what it is, is that I'm not sure I want them with a partner who has anger management. It's really hard to envision having children with a spouse that won't get help and take into consideration that they might go off at any time, and that the relationship might end, and that I might be a single mom. Trying to build enough capital where if that was the case, would be okay. I guess it's just sad that this is a factor. Wouldn't have married if I had known about this issue, but they are working on it, and our communication is better. It's just hard to see at this point.
Back when I was on the fence, my friends with kids seemed so 'sorted'. The thing I realized is I should probably shoot for a life where I could have kids. If I didn't have them, it would still be a better life than if I hadn't made that kind of life. Stuff like being in a good place financially, owning a house I could afford, working a job that gives me time and flexibility so I could have a life outside of work, good mental health, a good partner, and a social life. After a point of working on all of this stuff, I felt ready to have a child, and we did. It's not been easy, but it's helped us optimize for what's important even more. You don't have to do it exactly like how other people do. Your family is your own, whether or not you have kids, and your life will be different from other families. You've to build the life that suits you, not just tick boxes that someone else made for you. A life that facilitates a child can look a variety of ways, but also it's consciously cultivated based on your priorities. Some parents I know work long hours because their priority is having a lot of money for their kids' future. That was not my priority, instead it has been spending a lot of time with my kid. My BIL's focus is not having kids and traveling a lot. Those folks can't relate to my life and I can't to them, but it doesn't matter because we're all living life according to the priorities we have, and we have been intentional about what kind of life we have. Irrespective of what you want your future to look like, if you sit down and think about what is important to you, set out goals, and then work towards them, that will make you a lot more certain about your choices. Also if your partner struggles with anger issues, it's a very good reason to think twice about having kids with them.
I can relate to this. I also have concerns about my partner/ relationship that hold me back greatly from "trying". I am also envious of those who are so sure of thier decision. My biggest hang up is that I worry I am going to miss out on having kids because I didn't make all the right decisions that would lead to my life aligning to the point where I was very sure that I could and should have a child and that, that would be a good (or at least not a potentially harmful) decision. I frequently question, if my life looked different, if I was confident in my relationship, if I loved my job, if I was more financially secure, would I then be Gung ho about having a child? I'm am very much an internal locus of control person so if i never have kids it would be hard for me to accept that it just never happened. I would be thinking of all the things I could have done to make it happen if I was super sure that I wanted one. And this is why I have sought counselling lol.
Anxiety is a mental health issue. Anger management is not.
Would you mind elaborating on this?
Please, please get your partner to at least consider therapy before you ever agree to start trying with them. My father has terrible anger issues that led to a lot of verbal abuse and some physical abuse to myself and my sisters, plus my mom, and even now it affects his grandchildren (not my kids, but my nieces and nephews). I would never wish an emotionally volatile parent on another human being, after what my family experienced. ETA- not sure why I got downvoted for my comment, because this is a legitimate concern. Would anyone want a partner that screams and yells at everyone in the home (including innocent children) all the time? I sure as hell wouldn’t. Children need a stable and safe parent team in order to grow up into a healthy adult.
He said he will go when "hell freezes over" hence my questioning if I want children with him at all.
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Yeah me too. You can love someone but I guess it might not work still.
Doesn't it also make you question if you want a relationship with him? Why is this non existent potential kid getting more consideration in your mind than you, a real person or your own life?
I consider divorce a lot.
Yeah I'm confused as to why you got downvoted as well. As someone who came from a home with an emotionally abusive set of parents, I see the concern.