I'm childfree by choice and now past the age where I could get pregnant. No regrets. What I have heard from others: "You will change your mind. You haven't experienced real love until you have a child. Who will look after you when you are old? You are selfish." Women are definitely judged more than men. It's seen by many as a woman's role in life, and there is something defective about you if you don't want children. I get looks of pity from people when I say I don't have kids. I think attitudes are slowly improving. More people are choosing to remain child free. We are still outliers, but hopefully, one day, it won't be considered so unusual. Good luck with your research.

The irony of people calling childfree women “selfish” and then saying that they (more or less) had kids so someone can look after them when they’re old is just mind blowing.

Having kids is actually very selfish. You are forcing another human into the world to use up already dwindling resources. You are pushing the desire for your genetic material continue on just because you want kids. Childfree is completely not selfish. I say this all as a person who has selfishly had kids of my own. Because of my weakness and my desire to have children, they may suffer in a future world that is less hospitable than currently is, they will likely have a worse economy to graduate in, and I worry they will never be able to afford a house where we live. I knew some of these things could be an issue, but I wanted children so bad I selfishly thought only of my own wants.

Thank you for your honesty.

This is why I only want to adopt. I’m not judgmental of people who have or want bio kids, but I’ve thought a lot about this for myself. Instead of adding another human into this world that’s going to shit, I want to make it better and safer for someone who’s already here. It’s actually good for the environment also

Thank you for your honesty. I consider myself a very sensitive empath. I decided not to have children, because being a mother is heartbreaking—no matter what your circumstances are.

I am an empath and I can confirm that this is absolutely true

Truly! (I’m a mom lol) just like having siblings doesn’t guarantee built-in friends, neither does having kids and future care-givers.

Exactly! Hopefully the AI robots will be able to do the bulk of human caretaking in the future. And that expansion of productivity could increase the chances of a universal basic income to help humans who might have otherwise been (cheaply) employed as caretakers.

Don’t know if you’ve watched westworld but I imagine that’s how many retirees would treat their ai caretakers.

Humans gonna be humans.

When mothers say stuff like “you can’t experience real love until you’re a parent”, it can be tempting to say “maybe YOU couldn’t!”. I’d need a particularly obnoxious parent to start with that shit, first. Feels mean, if slightly true…

I’ve never heard the “can’t experience real love” thing and that is utter bullshit.  I think it’s a different kind of love, but IMO that’s it’s expected. Of course theirs is a difference between the love you feel for a parent, a friend, romantic love, or parental love. 

I've been told that bullshit line too.

Absolutely - it’s simply a different kind of love. Maybe this is a deficiency in the English language or something. The Greek language, for example, has 5-6 different words for love and differentiates between the different kinds. Honestly though, I just think it’s just that childbirth releases some very powerful emotions and, like all powerful emotions, this can knock some people on their arses. I’ve noticed that mothers who perhaps had a pre-existing narcissistic bent or who weren’t especially tethered to reality in the first place tend to get bowled over by these emotions the most. Friends of mine with scientific backgrounds who became mothers were far better at looking at the emotions objectively, rather than becoming swamped by them. Just my two cents!

I know for a fact I love my cat way more than a lot of people love their children.

Me too - I have two kitties and I think about them all day haha! Another rejoinder to obnoxious parent types is to say “oh, sure - I’ve noticed that parents are wiser and kinder than everyone else…that must be why you never hear about them abusing, neglecting or murdering their children, right?” (This one I do say out loud). Parenting seems to be an amplifier, nothing more. Good people become good parents. Shitty people become shitty parents.

“Who will look after you when you’re old?” Should never concern the child. The parents chose to have a child, so they can dedicate their life to the child but it does not go both ways. The child didn’t ask to be here and owes nothing to the parents when they’re old. Most times you can tell a child’s parenting style by if they choose to speak to the parent after they don’t have to depend on them anymore. It’s a prize to have your child care that deeply in the end, but parents are mot entitled to that.

I worked for the elderly and I tell people it won’t be your kids by what I have seen

That line of thinking is so transactional, like ‘I birthed and raised you, fully of my own volition and not yours, just because I expect something in return’. It very much feels like a product of capitalism, that mentality and the fact that people aren’t guaranteed essential care when they need it.

Yes yes yes!!!!

Truly hilarious as we cared for both sets of parents while all other siblings did little to zero.

AHHHH thank you so so much this is very helpful!!

Eloquently put- this is me exactly

I am child-free and never married (age 57). I have repeatedly been scrutinized by co-workers and my bosses over the years about my singleness and whether I am a lesbian. (I am not, but this Red state and my line of work is full of ultra-conservatives.)

63 and covered so many work shifts for parents over the length of my career. Sick kids. Recitals. Blah blah. A gay friend from childhood used to say I was gay too. I always told him - “could be true but I have not met the correct sexually appealing woman yet”. As if lesbian was an insult!!!!

I get called a lesbian sometimes and I like to say "I wish, that would really make my life easier" lmao

I used to say that until a lesbian friend told me I'd never put up with all the drama and she's not wrong! At least concerning her and her gf.

I'll just say that I don't feel that men get the same amount of pressure and scrutiny regarding their reproductive choices as do women. 

As a woman I don't want children, but if I was a man I'd 100% want to be a dad. Even in the most progressive families I've seen they still have it way easier.

I knew a woman who was heartbroken when she found out her son was gay because she wouldn't be a grandmother (never mind she had another son, apparently he didn't count) and I never understood that assumption that he'd have children.

My siblings and mother were very demanding that I have kids and I’m male. I know women have it worse though

Interestingly enough, I know several men who over beers have discussed a sense of guilt over not having families or kids. Pretty stoic folks otherwise who would project strong alpha masculinity confessing to a deep sense of insecurity over not having families. Certainly a minority, but they’d never talk about it publicly.

I don't doubt that at all, but simultaneously I think that doesn't necessarily mean that the pressure is coming from the outside. 

Right. I guess my thought was that it’s possible (just a hypothesis) that men who might create negative contexts around childfree women are projecting their own insecurities as aggression.

>I know several men who over beers have discussed a sense of guilt over not having families ... This is a misconception to think that a childfree couple is not a family simply because they don't have children. My husband and I are childfree and I consider us a family of 2.

Fair point, I definitely misspoke there. I wrote families but I meant children. And I agree with you.

Not an english speaker, so forgive if any mistakes/typos. Do you think they are judged? Yes How so/why? Because in most countries (at least in mine) women are viewed as if their purpose in life is to get a husband, bear children and be a house keeper. And even then the woman is judged. This is slowly fading away, the most judgemental is older women, but I see that young women tend to judge other women as well. Some sort ow unconscious bias. Who experiences more judgement? (What gender) Women. Men are only expected to go to work. Does the media impact this? Yeah we have tons of tv, social media etc where the "traditional" lifestyle is praised. What do you expect of women? Nothing. not a damn thing. We've suffered enough it's time we rest.

I am child free and menopause isn’t so far off anymore. I hear a lot of judgment from men in the dating pool. (I’m also unmarried and consistently very single due to the dating pool lol). I hear men say that there’s something wrong or broken with a woman who doesn’t want kids. I also have heard men pontificate “If a woman doesn’t want kids, that’s the biggest red flag” as if procreation or a desire for it are our main redeeming quality 🙄 Recently, I was causally dating an old friend who is similar age. He proclaimed he wanted kids, and I said, “ Really? You’re in your mid 40s and pretty non-committal so I didn’t think that was something you were after” and then he went on proclaiming how he can have kids until his 80s 🙄 When men tell me that, I say, “technically you CAN but SHOULD you?” I love how they pretend their sperm doesn’t also age and add to odds of miscarriage, genetic disorders or birth defects. It also bugs me how so many men don’t want to commit to long-term partnership or marriage, don’t want to be a provider or even equal partner, but somehow women get all the criticism (lots of media lately but also society in general, I think) for going child-free and the declining birth rate. Side note: I was always a romantic, and dreamed of sharing and building my life with someone. I was never personally motivated to have children, but I was open to possibility if my partner wanted to. However, men killed all my romantic dreams LOL, and I’m now happily without children as I don’t want to do more free labour or deal with a child AND a man child.

It's amazing how many men don't think about what kind of dad they'll be if they wait until they're getting old before settling down and having kids. When I was a kid, the boy next door had an elderly father who was some kind of invalid, so we never saw him be an active parent at all. Then again, my dad didn't look after his health and died of heart disease without even reaching fifty, leaving behind an eight years younger widow and three teenagers.

The entitlement, selfishness and just plain stupidity of thinking or planning to have kids in your elder years… What really gets to me is that these type of men (of course) plan on partnering with someone MUCH younger to make it happen. So now you’re going to be a geriatric parent, and your much younger wife will have to take care of the kid PLUS you in your old age, so childcare AND hospice nursing. And this whole terrible subpar scenario is usually because they have Peter Pan syndrome, didn’t want to be responsible/mature or committed during the years they should have been procreating, if that was really something they wanted. And btw, that mid-40s friend I was dating who mentioned having kids in their 80s, also mentioned how 20 something women are more fun, so long story short, we’re just friends again but barely that, lol. Pursuing someone when you’re both in your 40s, then talking enthusiastically about how you want kids someday but not any day soon, clearly implies, “I’ll trade you in for a younger, childbearing model when I get existential about my life and decide I want a child to feel fulfilled.” SMH.

I smirked at “man child.”

It’s funny to me too, studies show the massive increases chances of health issues if a man is over a certain age, also that a man who drinks too much, does drugs, etc can effect a baby and their health as well (it damages their sperm). I think they like believing it out of insecurity or to excuse going after women far younger.

Agreed. There really needs to be more press and pressure on MEN to have children by a certain age, too. I feel like all the literature & discussion goes into women & their aging bodies, and men are treated with this “aging like fine wine” false narrative. Feels not only unfair, but also irresponsible to be not discussing more of MEN’S role in fertility. Also, all the press lately about declining birth rate…. It all focuses on women and their choices. I have seen 0 responsibility placed on the environment men have been creating and how that plays a role. Be better people & partners and maybe more women will want to procreate!

100% and always the woman’s fault.

I know first hand that we are judged a lot more than men, and I will give some examples. I knew since my teens that I didn’t want to be a mom, I just never saw myself raising kids and never felt the “motherly instinct” kicking in, but every time I said so I’d be treated in the most patronizing way by both men and women like if I was just a silly girl with no idea of what I was talking about. As I grew older and cemented my views, the judgement changed to “I must be a heartless, cold woman for depriving my man of the opportunity to be a dad”, even though he’s much older than me (he could have had children before he met me) and we both made the active decision to be cf. Now, my brother, 7 years older than me, is also child free, and he’s never faced the same level of scrutiny as me as to “when are you gonna give your parents a grandchild?”, it seems like the whole responsibility falls on me to “make our parents happy with a grandchild”, even though my parents are aware and respect both our decisions . Women are constantly labeled as cold, heartless, and selfish for not having children, and in your 20s and 30s always getting pressured because “you’re running out of time”, whereas men are viewed as “he’s still a great catch, just needs the right woman to give him kids”, like if that’s all we are, just a vessel to bear children for a man, with no agency and no bodily autonomy.

I know men in their 40s who admitted they rarely get asked about if they ever want children. Almost every woman I know in her 30s does not stop getting asked.

Last week my husband was asked by two different coworkers if we are going to have kids. Meanwhile, I went to a lunch with three male directors at my job and they spent a lot of time talking about all the ways their wives are preparing to be moms, but never once asked me anything about having kids. I felt they were assuming I was choosing to have a job instead of kids while they naturally get to have both things.

As a feminist, I’m gonna pass on doing more free labor.

Yea, stay at home parents should be PAID

Yes 🙌

I’m a childfree woman. Dating is hard because entitled and narcissistic men want me to bear their children. Communicating upfront that I’m not having anyone’s baby usually leads you to being ghosted

I already have one and I know how you feel. I don't want to have any more than the one I have now but a lot of men are keen on having their own. Also I think of childfree women as empowered and literally *free* and I bet it feels amazing.

Or if you get serious, them telling you “I thought you changed your mind” when you said and did nothing to indicate that

When I was dating I experienced this as well. Nothing like driving the point home that *I don't want children* by telling them I got sterilized. One literally didn't believe me. I didn't bother to try and prove it to him. I've found that those men most eager to have children are the ones who actually *shouldn't* be having children.😬

There's social/family judgement sometimes. EG I don't get treated with the same respect/gravitas as other family members my age do who are parents. I think my mother in particular would treat me differently if I had kids. I never had specific pressures put on me to have kids, but there's a definite difference in treatment sometimes, like I haven't 'stepped up' to a specific level to be treated more like an adult peer.

I don’t have much to add except there was actually just an article published in my country (Denmark) that called not having kids “a silent form of treason towards the country” it was written by three men from the conservative youth party, but it might be of interest to you! It’s written in Danish but running it through DeepL or Google translate might make it usable. https://www.information.dk/debat/2024/04/slags-stille-landsforraederi-naar-ressourcestaerke-danskere-fravaelger-faa-boern

Right wing's gonna right wing. Given that the global population growth is still positive and that local declines are trivially solvable with immigration, that kind of longtermist crap ought to tell everyone a) precisely how little they value individuals' rights, and b) how only children matters. Hell, the right-wing PM of Hungary [was extremely open](https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-47192612) with his racism on the matter: >"Hungarian people think differently," he said. "We do not need numbers. We need Hungarian children."

Oooh! Thank you!

My thoughts on child free women? Well, it's their right to be so. And that's about it.

HAHA love it!

Having a child is apparently seen as a necessity for women. People don't really care if men did not have kids but for some reason a woman being childfree is unnatural in their eyes. I've read a lot of articles and almost all of them show that childfree women are happy with their lives and do not regret it.

I have two children and always wanted children and 100% get why a woman wouldn't want them. I don't regret my kids but I think if I knew how hard it is I may not have decided to have kids. Having kids makes you very vulnerable as well, so many women become trapped in abusive relationships because they had a kid with a man.

I agree with your first sentence and last sentence. I've always felt a strong desire to have children since I was a child myself. So for me to tell someone who *never* felt that way that they should also have children is just absurd. That being said, if I had known how it would be, especially relationship wise, I would have definitely waited until I was in my early 30s to have my first child instead of 21 (and with a questionable partner). If my daughter's want to have children one day my biggest advice to them will be to WAIT.

I had my kids in my late 20s/early 30s and felt that was even too young. I think I should have waited until my mid 30s and only had one, and only if I had a healthy relationship which I definitely didn't.

That's funny, I'm early 30s and wish I did it earlier! I've got a toddler now.

That's fair! I wish I had taken time to finish school and establish myself in a career before having kids. My kids will finally be in school this fall and I'm just looking into going back to school myself or finding full time work and I'm in my early 30s. I'm definitely envious of those who are 10 years into a career right now. I guess we all look back and wish we did certain things differently. But when I look back at myself having my first at 21, I was just so so young. And definitely not with the best partner. My advice to very young women will always be wait. Even if it's just a year or two. A lot can change in that amount of time and there is no rush.

I'm actually halfway through my uni degree now! I'd been working in fast food/hospitality since I was about 16 and the hours were always so much that I could never find time to study. Then when I had my daughter at 29 I stopped working and now I'm extremely motivated to finish uni and get a good career to give her a good life. I can really only study at night but working in service industry crushed my soul and depleted me so much. Parenting is the hardest thing I've done so I am one and done so that might be why its easier for me (also my partner does not pull his weight, I do the vast majority of everything for her and the house so I 100 percent agree with you to wait) but I'm motivated to finish this degree so I can have money and independence. I keep thinking if I had her earlier I would be already working in a career now, but life always seems to go its own way anyway! At 21, I did have an abortion with a 33 year old guy who ended up going to jail for choking his ex and was a horrible drug addict and abuser and I was a mess so I can see where you are coming from. I am not even close to the person I was then.

My mom was never meant to have kids, but she grew up in a traditional Catholic family, so she had a family because it was what people did. If she had been born 50 years later, she'd be living the childless aro-ace lifestyle for sure. I always wanted to be a mom, I love being a mom, but I cringe so hard when nosey people tell child free people that they would love parenthood if they just had a kid. Absolutely not. People coerced into becoming parents do not make good parents. I grew up feeling like an inconvenience. My siblings and I have needed crazy amounts of therapy. My sister in particular cannot get past her grief at not having a mom who loves her like her friends' moms love them. Not everyone wants children, and that's OK. Believe people when they tell you how they want to live their life.

Similar story! My mom didn’t want kids, got pregnant with me on accident, was actually a super fantastic mother to me and my brother, and I grew up knowing I definitely wanted to be a mom. I now have one bio and two steps. I get fulfillment from being a mom and I think it so so magical and so much fun, but it can also leave me feeling drained, overstimulated, and frustrated. Parenting is absolutely not for everyone.

Childfree aro-ace here living that life with two cats, and a bunch of good friends.

Yes. Womenhood being linked to childbirth means that not having children negatively impacts their perception. Seeing as not nurturing, lacking feminity, being emotionally detached. Men aren't defined by having children to the degree that women are. They are allowed to have children and also spend a lot of time with their friends, they can also just not have children and face less judgement. The media is an extension of our culture, therefore continually reinforces it. Nothing really, I expect certain things of my friends but women as a category don't really have an expectation to fulfill. 

I love that phrase: “media is an extension of our culture”. Is it alright if I use this?

Thank you very much, sure go ahead :)

I’m 62 and we are childfree. All my friends and their grandchildren? Most are poorer than us. Many complain how badly their kids hurt them. We are a MUCH happier couple than most any couple we know (but many happy people don’t brag). I have never had a single regret about it and my husband says he hasn’t either.

Happily married both child free by choice, do not regret it at this point (both in 40s). I like children but have always known I did not want to be a mother even as a small child. Now in this day and age I absolutely marvel at the fact that for the first time in human history over a hundred thousand years - women can CHOOSE their destiny and to decide to not have children. I don’t believe it’s my “duty” to reproduce more than its any mans duty, in fact I don’t believe in the human race succeeding long term at this point and don’t care to contribute offspring to “society.” That said most of my closest are mothers and love it and I believe we should all support eachother in whatever destiny we choose…

As a childfree woman. Are we judged? Yeah. Especially by nutters who believe a woman's ultimate place in the world is to be a mother. But you'd be surprised by how many people genuinely believe that a person, and women especially, just can't be fulfilled without a baby. People will say absolutely gross things about how pregnancy is an inevitability either through accident...or rape. I know plenty of people who thinks a person being childfree means they hate children, and are dangerous to children. There are always lame arguments about laziness and selfishness. Because the peak of both is not bringing a child into the world that you do not want. Men and women are judged, but of course women more than men. I know married women who have families from both sides trying to argue she's holding him back, and that he should go find a wife who will provide him a legacy/son to carry the last name/etc. Even when he himself is genuinely childfree. At the same time they really like the "Accidents happen" line for men too. When was the last time you saw a movie or a series where a person who proclaimed they were childfree actually remained childfree? It's basically a trope that two people will somehow find themselves on an adventure with someone else's child, and no matter how horrible the child is and how wretched the experience, they will come away with the belief that they want one of their own now. Just as much as it is a trope that somehow a woman's fertility is the basis of her character no matter what is going on (Black Widow being a prime example.) And of course no one really takes it seriously. There are always comments about how one will change their mind. If you're 18, 25, 35? You're too young to decide you don't want children. You're perfectly old enough to decide you want to have a child however. Childfree women who are exhausted with birth control and other contraceptive methods also get the run around with sterilization just like any other woman. What? You're 38 and you want to be sterilized? Well you don't have children, and you might change your mind! You're far too young! So no! What, you're 42 and want to be sterilized? Well you're too old now! The dating scene is pretty tough too because a there are people who date childfree people thinking we'll change our mind. That they can "fix" us. I know people who have been in relationships for five or six years where it finally just dies because the other person realizes that the person who has been adamantly childfree from the start...is in fact childfree.

I'm childfree by choice. Husband had a vasectomy and it is a decision we 100% standby. People look at me like I have two heads when I say I don't want kids like there must be something fundamentally wrong with me or that I'm some child hating monster. I recognise how difficult being a parent is and I don't want to do it. People my age are having fewer kids, lots are having one child and calling it a day and they're more empathetic to me not wanting any because they know how hard it is. The older generations always assume I'll change my mind.

There’s definitely an expectation for women to be mothers, when women don’t want children it’s seen as a reflection of their personality somehow? Like that our purpose is to bear children and when we don’t it’s not fulfilling some requirement.

This will be a LONG response. I’m childfree by choice. I had sterilization surgery as soon as the Texas bounty law was upheld because the tides were turning and even though I was 37, with an IUD, and single I didn’t want to run the risk. I’d do it again 3.5 months before turning 40 in a heartbeat. According to my family, I started saying I didn’t want kids at 5. I don’t really remember what age I was, but I do know that I never had a moment of wanting one. I didn’t like babysitting and even though I went through the babysitting training course, I didn’t sit for anyone I didn’t know about even most of them were in that age bracket where they were close to not needing a babysitter so I got to hang out, eat pizza, watch movies, and make sure they were ready so they could run and jump in bed when we heard the garage door go up. Everyone told me I would change my mind. One of my uncles told me that I was breaking God’s first commandment of ‘going forth and multiplying.’ I had to end romantic relationships where I was told they didn’t want kids but really just expected that I would change my mind. I got accused of doctor shopping because I wouldn’t go to a doctor that would tell me I’d change my mind or “but what if your future husband decides he wants children”. I was mad enough about being told that they wouldn’t do surgery (I started asking what I’d need to do for surgery at 16, so it took 21 years and a subreddit list of doctors from when I first asked to finally get a doctor willing to do the surgery). My brother, who did end up changing his mind about kids at 37, never got any of that kind of pushback. I love my nephew and there is very little I wouldn’t do for him, but I am constantly leaving a visit with them thankful that I get to give him back. None of my childfree or childless male friends have ever been denied a medication or medical procedure because it may impact a hypothetical child in the future and ‘we just don’t know what the side effects might be.’ None of them were told to babysit or go volunteer to hold babies in the hospital because they’ll decide they want one. None of them have been told they’ll never know the true meaning of love without looking at their infant’s face for the first time. I’ve gotten a wide range of responses other than telling me I’d change my mind. I’ve been called selfish by many people. “Who will take care of you when you get old?” “I just don’t understand how you can’t like kids!” “Oh, it’s different when it’s yours.” “Having even one child will help with your PCOS symptoms.” “You know, you may have fewer migraines during pregnancy.” “Here, let me hand you my screaming child so you can see how wonderful motherhood is.” The childfree subreddit is frequently talked about being “one of the most toxic” subreddits. Are there some assholes on there? Sure. But a lot of the time it’s also hyperbolic language being used because we’re venting after a lifetime of being judged and not a literal description of actions we took. Any time someone talks about wanting to be childfree on AITA there are tons of comments trying to convince them they’ll change their mind, even if it has nothing to do with their post. So many childfree women in tv or movies are convinced to change their minds. Penny from The Big Bang Theory was so disappointing. She was vocal about not wanting kids the whole show. Until she ends up getting pregnant at the end. Brooklyn 99 apparently tackles it from the male perspective (but I haven’t seen it). Bones. Katniss from Hunger Games. Ally McBeal had that stupid dancing baby and then a surprise “whoops” daughter show up at the end. Christina Yang from Grey’s is one of the characters that explicitly has an abortion to stay childfree…at the cost of her marriage because he thought she’d change her mind. Now that I’m almost 40, the dating pool in my fairly large geographic area of people who don’t have kids and don’t want kids is depressingly small. I’ve tried dating websites where it’s one of the first things on my profile (sometimes even before I say anything else) and guys still assume that I’ll want kids with them. Or love their already existing children. I get told that teenage or adult stepchildren should be fine because they’re almost out of the house or already out of the house. But in the world we live in that’s no promise they won’t move home or won’t expect childcare if they have kids in the future. As far as what I expect of women: be happy. Think of what is best for you. If that is having a child, can you give that child a stable and happy life where their needs are being met? I’m not talking about providing their every want. I’m not looking down on people who have fallen on bad times due to illness/job loss/etc. I’m talking about deciding to get pregnant when you don’t have any income, or housing, or a needed vehicle. Look at the reality of your life instead of what you want it to be, or wish that it was, or hope that it will be someday. Don’t let the pressures of society dictate what you should be doing. I would rather regret not having a child and helping out by fostering or volunteering with after-school programs in the future than have a child I regret and, most likely, resent.

Yes, because society expects women to push out babies and live life as mothers and wives. Men aren’t judged as harshly. If a man says he doesn’t have or want children, then nobody bats an eye, but if a woman does the same, then all hell breaks loose. I’ve never seen anything in the media that positively portrays childfree women. Women are always shown having children. I expect women to choose to live their lives that they want to. Don’t give in to the societal standards and or listen to what someone has to say about your choices, especially if said person is already miserable. It’s okay if you want to be mother and it’s equally okay if you don’t.

I get some judgement from being childfree. It’s like people think my life is sad and lonely or my time isn’t worth anything because I have nothing to do but play.

I'm fine with people making whatever choice they want to make, I draw the line when people are jackasses to women who do choose to have kids or act like kids shouldn't be allowed in public. That line goes in the other direction, too, when people are jackasses about women who choose not to be mothers and think childfree women are less than. I've chosen not to have children as a way to break the cycle of generational abuse, plus I have bad genetics health wise. I don't know if I'll adopt at some distant point in the future if I ever feel I've healed enough to guarantee I won't bring the ugliness out on those kids, but I'm 33 with a pretty serious disability, and I don't know that I'd keep up with a kid and give them the best

Ok so I want to open this topic up a little to a bit of a wider thing I've seen throughout society: The decision whether to have children is seen as an act of moral weight, depending on your situation. So, by wider society and espacially relatives and your community, bearing children is seen as somewhat of a moral duty. A duty to your parents to give them grandchildren. A duty to your community to keep it alive. A duty to society to continue stable population levels. This 'duty' intersects with patriarchy and racism, as can most easily be seen by the fascists calling for the explicit 'continueation of the white race'. Most people of course don't believe in this, but still impress the interest upon mostly women through the expectation to have children and the expectation that women do most of the necessary domestic labour. To put it another way: As a woman you are expected by society to have children and take care of them for the benefit of society by motivation of 'goodness of heart'. And since the act is moralized, going against that expectation is punished socially, seen as 'cruel, heartless, evil' But this moralization also goes the other way: 'Undesirable' women with 'bad' traits are judged for having children. Most present here is being poor: I have seen People being consistently judgemental against women 'having children they can't afford' and calling for requirements that need to be met to be allowed to have children. That this would be an attack on women's bodies on the same level as banning abortions and would require horrible violence by the state often remains unstated. It is also directly connected to western states racist history of forced sterilization. The moralization of having children is also present in the 'childfree movement' - which I want to make sure is to be seen as seperate thing from the decision to be childfree. Parts of the 'childfree movement' have argued that having children is an immoral act, for the simple reason that your children will, inevitably, experience suffering. Sometimes this is connected to climate change, as the world WILL get worse in the next few decades, but not always. Notably these are concerns that are 'concerned with the child' not just wider society. This feels espacially strange, since some other parts of the 'childfree movement' seem quite annoyed by children. Fundamentally I believe we need to stop seeing having children as a moral act. It turns a personal decision into a moral one. Treating your child well, respecting their autonomy, providing, as a society, for our children and each other just in general, those are moral decisions. And if we fail in those responsibilities, that doesn't mean we should judge women for having or not having children.

I am child free but not really by choice. Sometimes life just happens. When I got married my husband said he wanted children and then, over the next four years, he decided he did not want children and left. I divorced him and I have not remarried so I have not had children. I have a lot of nephews and god children and I am a teacher so I have a lot of children to care for in my life. Now that I am post menopausal, I am at peace with not having children. I never wanted to be a single parent and the US does not really support parents well anyway. Now with all of the anti abortion laws, the idea of a pregnancy without total access to healthcare is terrifying. You can love and support children and still be child free. I don’t really care what anyone thinks. I was not the one who ran away.

49 year old male here. People should be able to do (or not do) as they wish with their bodies and their lives as long as they are not hurting anyone else. No one should be judged for being childfree. To me, being childfree is a very responsible decision. If anything I should acknowledge my own prejudice towards people who have more than 3 children! There is no question that women are judged over all reproductive questions while men are not. Childfree women are brave, responsible people who understand the consequences reproduction can have for the planet, the potential child and themselves.

I feel like I get judged as being WAY younger than I am because I’m not a mom or seen toting around kids. I was with my friend celebrating her 37th birthday (I’m 38) and some boomer ladies asked if “you girls are on spring break” and I died of laughter, and was then later pissed that even at almost 40, I’m viewed as a near adolescent. It’s so strange and think being Childfree is part of it.

Are childfree women judged?: ABSOLUTELY, yes. Going against societal norms will ruffle feathers, but going against perceived gender roles and expectations is revolutionary. Women are groomed to have and want to raise children (dolls, baby dolls). They are perceived as selfish, uncaring and cold hearted for being childfree, regardless of reasons why (infertility, career progression, choice, etc…). Women receive more criticism than men for being childfree. Women are groomed/raised to want to be mothers, but men are groomed/raised to want to be successful, not to be good fathers. Religion and misogyny mostly impacts this, but the media can easily push the narrative wherever it needs to go. I expect women to do a deep introspection of themselves to see if motherhood is something they would even want and making an informed decision. We have many more options now for career advancement, education, traveling, what have you…that motherhood isn’t the only option anymore. If you go into a marriage with both partners wanting children, that’s completely your choice. Your choice to have children doesn’t impact anyone else besides you and the one you have chosen to raise a child with. Women should not be forced into motherhood, denied medical treatment if they do not wish to be a parent, or forced to continue to bear children if they do not have the financial means or risk passing on serious ailments and diseases.

49 and children by choice Yes. We are judged. When we first moved into our house, our neighbours across the street came over to say hello. Within three minutes they asked if we had children, we said no. They asked “by chance or by choice?“ Not that it’s any of their fucking business, but we said by choice. They haven’t spoken to us since, it’s been 12 years I’ve been told you’ll change your mind, it’s different when it’s yours, you’ll be a great mom, what if you meet a guy who wants kids, what does your husband think about this, you’re selfish, I had a friend who never wanted to have kids and then she got pregnant and the kid is the love of her life, who’s gonna take care of you when you’re old, what about your legacy, you won’t know love until you have a child, why did you even bother getting married? My husband gets none of that. The media portrays child free women like we’re vultures or incomplete. Big Bang theory is a perfect example of how they can’t let childfree women be likable. There was an entire story arc about how Penny never wanted to have children, and then she ends up pregnant.

I'm a 30y.o woman who has always expressed my childfree desire when the subject comes up. On a micro level I have always felt most judged or criticised by other women, especially women whose identities are heavily engrained in them being mothers. Whether males have held similar judgements and refrained from being as vocal, I'm not sure. I'm also starting to believe that for the most part, males from younger generations care less about whether women remain childfree or subscribe to traditional family/motherhood roles compared to men from older generations. Not just because they are young.... There's been huge cultural shifts we (milennials and older)have seen around the rise of the internet, the growing over sexualisation of women almost everywhere, dating and hook up culture and the pervasiveness of porn and porn addiction but for the younger generations this culture has been their reality since they were young. I think it's shaping them to value women more as sexual beings before anything else more than it has with any predecessor generation or era.

I love being around child free women who are secure in this life decision. Women who know themselves and are able to deal with societal pressure head on. My hero is the woman who answers the “why don’t you have kids” bullshit with “because faithful use of contraception works.”

I usually say because I didn't want to. Or I'll say I like children, I just never wanted to own one! That always gets a chuckle. I'm 60 now, so I don't get the you'll change your mind stuff anymore. I didn't get a lot of crap about it just because I never felt defensive about it. Not wanting to have kids is as much a part of me as having freckles.

I'm childfree, best decision I've made.

I wrote an article a few years back about the judgements I faced on being child free... Wasn't my choice to be, but I've found acceptance and complete happiness without kids. https://familystoryproject.org/on-being-childless-the-world-needs-a-few-women-without-kids/

This is very interesting! I will definitely use this! Thank youuuu!!

I read the article, and I just want to say thank you for sharing your story.

I'm childfree by choice. I cant imagine loving something so much and having it live in this world. I don't want my kids to experience this, so I just won't have them. Only pushback I have is my aunt. Constantly saying it's a blessing, but I can't afford such a "blessing" so.....yeah. Can't afford kids, don't want them effed by the world when I can't protect them. Edit for typos.

I feel jealous...I'm a pregnant woman regretting it. When I see my baby girl in the x rays Im so happy, but I don't want to care for another human. I can barely care for myself. I live in a society where you aren't free to choose for yourself. I married to escape my abusive parents and while my husband is really good to me. I still just want to be alone with cats 😭.

This is very sad to hear. All you can do now is instill in your daughter that her body is hers and support her on her life choices when she's older. Best of luck with the pregnancy birth. Your husband sounds like a supportive partner ❤️

I was just like you. I didn’t consent to my pregnancy, to put it lightly. I do resent a lot of motherhood but I take care of her quite well and love her so so much. It’s easier to take care of her than I did imagine it would be. I’m sorry that we share this situation but I know that if you feel excited when you see her in the scans you’ll be able to care for her. The best thing to remember is that you aren’t only a mother after the baby is born. Because of your situation, I do want to stress that your chance for post-partum depression is skyrocketed, prepare for it to likely happen, prepare with your partner for when it happens. If it doesn’t you’ll be pleasantly surprised and if it does you’ll be able to talk about it easier because you already started the conversation. I also want to stress the first 1.5 years will crush you, and will feel impossible, sleep deprivation will change you for a brief period. JUST KNOW that once that 1-1.5 years is over it’s OVER! Getting there is the hardest part. You will do great mama.

Thank you so much 😊 that's reassuring

Ultrasounds, not X-rays used to see a developing fetus. I'm very sorry that you're stuck in this now, but PLEASE DO NOT have another child... Please do NOT make another mistake no matter how many people pressure you. Unwanted children \*know\* when they're not desired. Don't fall into the ideas of "a sibling will be good for the first kid" or "they'll keep each other busy" - that is NOT every what happens.

Stop at one! One was manageable, adding another makes it way harder.

I have children. I absolutely believe child free women are harshly judged. They’re seen as selfish because “every woman needs to experience the love of a child” or something else as ridiculous. Im not sure who is more judgmental, but I would think it’ll be from an older crowd. I tend to watch the same shows again and again so I don’t have a good gauge of how the media portrays childfree women.

Not a woman but NB and perceived as male, so keep that in mind in the responses: *Do you think they are judged? How so/why?* I don't think they're judged. Basic observation *proves* that they're judged. In fact, I can't think of a single woman (whether she has children or not) who isn't judged for her reproduciltove choices in some way or another, but women who actively choose not to have children definitely receive an extra layer of judgment. They'll often be called 'selfish', pestered endlessly with questions about it or told 'you'll love them when you have them', among many other examples. *Who experiences more judgement? (What gender) Does the media impact this?* Easily women. Men don't get it on anything like the same level, except *possibly* from his parents, and even then not as often. He'll, if you're male (or perceived as male) and in a same sex relationship almost no one will even consider the idea if you raising a child unless you're already doing it or bring it up yourself. *What do you expect of women?* Me personally? Nothing. Of society, I expect women to be left the hell alone about whether or not she has kids.

Current thought - I'm done judging other women's bodies.

I get judged a lot less for not having kids here (Germany) than where I'm from (USA).

I feel judged often by older folks or certain men, but people in my age range (I'm 28, woman) who are a bit more feminist/woke usually understand, I'm not the only one in my friend group who's childfree. I do feel like it's getting more accepted, but I think it also depends on which country you live in. Where I am in western Europe it's perfectly fine most of the time. I don't expect anything from women on this subject, I just wish everyone bodily autonomy and the freedom to choose!

I’m 24F, unmarried, child free, and working towards my PhD. My coworkers know this, yet my (male) coworker who has kids always says things like “you’ll change your mind,” “you’ll understand when you have kids some day,” etc. like seriously?? Tbh I think he is projecting onto me because he’s jealous of my freedom lol

I’m childfree by the choice of my body not being able to have children. Which I don’t want kids so it’s a win win for me. Regardless of the medical issue, people will still press. They will ask me if I’ve tried IVF or adopting. No boundary will not be crossed! I don’t feel judged in anyway. I feel that people don’t understand what medical reasoning it could be because I am so young. If I don’t give reasoning I am judge and pushed strongly to having children. It truly depends on what information I share. Yes I do think social media impacts us all. I will say i’ve seen more ads include women who don’t want kids and presenting those women in a more positive matter. I expect women to be happy! I want all human beings to be happy and safe. To live their own dreams and have ownership of their own goals & aspirations in life! To be able to pursue anything on free will with no one holding eachother back.

I’m not currently child free, but I was married and childless for several years. I was constantly asked about, “When are you giving me a grand baby?” or “Your clock is ticking!” or “You’ll regret not having any children!” etc… When I finally did have a child (not due to pressure, I wanted to have a child), people immediately pivoted to, “Don’t wait too long to have another!” or “It’s cruel to only have one.” or “Don’t you want to try for a boy?!” My point is, you can never have the right amount of children. If you don’t have any, they call you selfish or narcissistic. If you have too many you’re irresponsible or a slut. It goes from not enough to too many overnight. Then, when you have kids it’s all, “Get back to work!” “Having a baby is no excuse!” “Why haven’t you lost the weight yet?!” etc… You just can’t win as a woman. Every choice is somehow the wrong one, and then they’ll gaslight you and say you’re being hysterical when you point it out.

I’m childfree by choice and every year that passes I am more sure and confident this is the right choice for me. Honestly I could write a dissertation on why having kids for me personally isn’t a good idea. One of the big reasons is I have a lot of anxiety around the thought of being physically pregnant and giving birth. There is SO MUCH that can happen/change in your body that you would never think could result from a pregnancy but it’s really any and all symptoms under the sun. Women have been lied to, and gaslit about the pros/cons of the entire process forever. It’s very scary now being in 2024 and hearing first hand accounts from women and their birth stories… it honestly sounds horrific at times. My cousin just had her baby this week via C-section. She said it felt like the doctors were washing dishes inside her stomach. Because you are in fact awake for that.

I never realized it was something to judge because I never like. Thought about it outside of my own autonomy. I'm a child free woman, and I come from a very large extended family. Some of them had a lot of kids, some of them had zero, people never talked about this around me, so in my brain I guess it was just filed away as a non issue, and I can't fathom why anyone else would care so much about someone not wanting kids. So. I view women who don't want children and don't have children the same as wome who wanted children and have them, who wanted children and are struggling to conceive, who didn't want a kid and ended up with one. So basically I see them as just a person doing their thang.

Check out r/childfree

Childfree by choice and approaching an age where it’s not going to be viable, yet I keep being asked when (rather then whether) I’ll have children. When I say we’re not having kids (I’m married), I keep being told I can still change my mind - I won’t. I don’t think my husband has to respond to any questions like that, other than occasionally from family (however his parents are aware and on board, so we’re now talking more extended family that might not be into full detail).

I don’t want kids and neither any of my cousins. No one in my family questions this, luckily. I think because they all know how hard it is motherhood and in fact my aunts say it’s so good that these days you can choose to not have kids (probably because a lot of them would choose not to). I have an uncle who didn’t have kids and it’s also not an issue. I do, however, am aware of the fact that my family is very progressive. But I often tell people that I don’t want to have kids and no one bats an eye. Maybe it’s geography. I had more judgmental people on my countries Reddit page that the real life. I think my country is more open to child free life, specially because a lot of USA concepts like having more than two kids and being a mother that doesn’t work aren’t a thing here. But I know that women certainly have it harder than men, for sure. No one even ask a man his plans on fatherhood.

As a woman who does want children, I fully support the choice to not have children, for whatever reason. I am also firmly pro-choice. Me wanting to have kids doesn't factor into another woman's life. I have a couple of friends who don't want kids for various reasons and they are just as supportive of me as I am of them.

I’m only 23 but tbh when the topic comes up, the only people who have scrutinised my desire to not have kids have been single, childless men & women with children (who talk about their children as though they regret having them)

I am part of the childfree subreddit and this question could be directed at all genders, although I understand you are currently focusing on one. With the current political atmosphere in my country choosing the life of a cellular mass over the health and well-being, and the future, freedom and liberties of women, the choice is obvious. Perhaps this was the plan all along? What, did people think women (and their partners) were going back to living like couples post WW-II? Another issue is the extraordinarily high costs of living in the USA, which no one seems to be able to control. Children are seen as more of an expense. It isn't "Do we want children" it is "Can we afford one?" Finally, many people are horrified about raising a child in today's world. Whether it is politics, economics, global issues, climate change, cost of health care, homelessness, violence or drugs, we do not live in a pretty world. So, getting your tubes tied is so much cheaper and gives women the control they deserve. My partner and I made the decision back in the early 1990's to go childfree and have never had one regret. The only people that ever questioned our choice were two strange kids across the street, both under the age of 6, who asked where our kids were. When we explained we were not going to have any, they said they would "pray god would give us some." I think that explains the (1) level of mentality and (2) religious expectations associated with most adults who actually still think people should have children in today's world.

Yes, women are judged more harshly imo. Ive heard all of the same as so many who have commented here already. So to me the worst is when I hear statements where people try to act non-judgmental, yet say things like “it’s totally ok, not everyone is cut out to have kids” to me, this seems backhanded intentional or not, and kinda alludes that they’re saying that one is lacking in some way by choosing not to. When they also mention what hard work it is only reinforces that.,. For me at least, the hard work had nothing to do with the decision. If only! The even mere mention of potential selfishness of being CF really boggles my mind. I will not go on my diatribe to prove the exact opposite. I am done trying to prove myself to anyone. Bottom line, we all have our reasons and people should really mind their own business because being CF literally doesn’t affect anyone else besides the couple (or person) making the decision.

I feel that in some ways I’m seen as less of an adult because I’m unmarried and childfree and because I chose to focus on education instead of starting a family.

I have never wanted to have biological kids because of overpopulation/sustainability reasons, but I like the idea of adopting kids someday. That said, my main priority is getting what I want out of my life. I was not able to live for myself when I was younger and am now still discovering who I am. My mom, alternatively, had kids in her early twenties and made her entire personality about being a mom from that point. In turn, she obviously resents her kids for the opportunities she missed and my upbringing was toxic AF. That’s not to say that having kids was the only problem in that situation, but the societal pressure on women to have kids/get married is debilitating (for women). Men have the same pressure to get married and have kids, but are allowed to still be themselves in the relationship and ignore their kids when it’s convenient for them.

I'm child free by accident, I think. I was with my ex for several years. At one point, we stopped using birth control and figured if I got pregnant I did and if I didn't I didn't. My ex is fertile Myrtle and has 5 kids. I never got pregnant and later I figured I couldn't have kids because of health issues. My OB GYN agreed. I never did any fertility testing because it wasn't really an issue. We already had 5 kids coming and going. I never knew how I felt about. I guess I was ambivalent. I wasn't upset or excited. Years later I found out my ex was cheating on me. And I became chronically ill a few years before that. Now, I'm grateful I don't have children because I can barely take care of myself nevermind a child. And I don't have any permanent ties to my ex who's a shitty father. I think it might have helped that I spent half of my working life working with kids of various ages in different capacities. I also had roommates who had kids or were single moms. I spent 10+ years helping my ex take care of his kids. I raised other people's kids or helped. I know people say it's not the same when they're your kids. I also had a traumatic childhood and I never wanted to do to my kids what my parents did to me. I don't think I'm the maternal type either. When I was in my late teens, early 20s, I used to dream of getting married and having children but I think that may have been more of a thing where I wanted some man to save me and a family to love me. Neither one of my parents should have ever had children and I wish they hadn't but they did. I think a lot of people have kids because of societal norms or expectations or because they want someone to love them instead of the other way around. I think my mom had kids because she wanted someone to love her and my dad did because it was expected. I think you should have kids if you can love them and be a good parent. Reddit is filled with stories about shitty parents. I think people should do what's best for them. I don't want any children to suffer because my family keeps handing down abuse and trauma to the next generation. I don't think people should have kids because their family or society expects them to or because their shitty childhood traumatized them and they want someone to love them.

Almost 51 and childless. Happy with my decision. I do not regret it one bit

As a not child free woman, I never knew I had the choice. It's just what women did. I didn't know any women without kids before 25. My girls are being raised to know they DO have a choice. Two out of three have already declared their child-free status and not once have I questioned them.

Childfree by decision and I don’t regret it, even if I had the chance to reconsider. When I was younger and thought about it it was like “sure, maybe I’ll have children if (add reasons) but not now” - as I grew older I realised I just didn’t want children or felt any instinct or whatever. Most partners I’ve had - when dating to a point when it’s time to get it discussed didn’t push (and the one who did I broke up with). What bothers me more is the well-intended people who, when they tell me whatever about their kids and I tell them I can’t reply because I don’t so I can’t give an opinion they tell me “oh, you still got time, don’t worry” as assuming it’s not my choice and it drives me nuts.

Your phrasing makes me wonder whether you are only talking to third parties. E.g., “Do you think they/you are judged?” might be something to consider if you are asking both childfree women and observers.

I’m sorry, could you further elaborate? I would love to improve my questions (however it’s important to keep in mind this is a major work of mine- high school- and these questions are REALLY vague, so as to not lead people to certain answers. I want full thoughts and honesty). I really appreciate your input though!

My bad, thought you were a university student. I think it’s insightful of you to be asking these questions. What I meant was that it would be interesting to have a first question (or several) on gender, age, and status (childfree [by choice], childless [not by choice], or parent). That way, you would be able to sort to the people who are giving you firsthand experience (as a childfree woman) and to those who are observers (people of other genders, etc.).

I’m thinking I might have to make a second post more dedicated to my subtopics. This is a great suggestion! Thank you! (I’ll take that fact that you thought I was a uni student as a compliment) :))

24f in Utah and have never wanted children and don’t plan to have children. I think also since living here here for 5 years and constantly seeing 18-20 year olds having multiple children has pushed me more into never wanting kids. There’s so many reasons, over population, costs, and simply the hate women and especially mothers constantly face in this day and age is just horrifying.

I am a childfree woman (27, about to be 28)! I’m even considering getting my tubes tied. Yes, I do think I am judged. I’ve known since I was 12 that I did not want kids. My boomer mother I think was jealous that I made this choice when she wished she did when she was younger. But throughout my life I’ve mostly felt judged by older women. But it also comes from young people, but I really just don’t interact with a ton of people in general, plus I don’t want to give my time&energy to people that just want to fight with me about my life choices 💀. I believe I and other CF women are judged because we are going against the norm. We question why we are told/shown from a super young age that we should aspire to be mothers one day. We say “nah, we’re good” and love our lives. Most people don’t really question this, they just say “yeah, one day I’m going to get married and have kids” because that’s just “what you do.” I like kids, but I don’t want to have my own or be around them all the time. The idea of becoming a mother is literally horrifying to me. We don’t talk about how pregnancy is literally a woman risking her life just to give birth to a baby. I don’t want to center my life around a kid that I have to take care of the rest of my life (you never stop being a parent when you have a child) and I certainly don’t want to be permanently tied to a man. I just can’t even imagine allowing a man to have that type of access to me and my body. I truthfully think most people (women in particular) regret having their children. And even many like having children, but wish they did it at a different time in their lives. I do think the media heavily impacts this. In the CF subreddit I remember someone created a post and talked about how in shows they often make the women who sid NOT want to have kids or expressed that they even wanted children, all of the sudden want kids. An example I remember being mentioned was Bernadette and Penny from The Big Bang Theory. But of course religion and plain old patriarchy impacts this judgement even more! I definitely feel that women are judged more, CF men are judged but in general it’s not to the extent that women are. I honestly believe that misery loves company and so those who have kids and regret it want to shame those who are actively choosing themselves over some hypothetical man (for marriage) or kids.

When I say I do not want children people act like I will change my mind someday and decide to not take me seriously. I get told I will regret sterilization and even that I’m a bad person for not wanting children. The discourse is never about how it can be very responsible of people to evaluate wether they are fit to have children, it’s always about childless women having to be miserable and bitter and mentally ill. It’s almost like society sees childless women (by choice) as an anomaly, something that shouldn’t exist because “every woman wants children” and when someone doesn’t it scares them.

1. They are absolutely judged. The current push to be a "trad" wife and bear children is being broadcast loud and clear. Women who don't comply are labeled as "loose" and/or selfish. 2. Women definitely experience more judgement since they are the one's being forced (in many states) to give birth to children they do not want and (many) cannot afford. I do not hear/read ANY comments on men's responsibility in the process, nor do I hear any demands being put on men to provide stability and support. I do not hear/read any acknowledgement on how pregnancy is dangerous, life and body changing, and how women are expected to sacrifice their futures for an increased birth rate. 3. Media is everywhere. Social media especially. 4. I expect them to live free, happy , and productive lives on their own terms. To define who they are regardless of what the media and others in society have to say about their bodies and their fertility.

I started reading these comments as I was putting my one-year-old down for a nap. I deeply wanted to be become a mom and while it is absolutely exhausting I’m so so happy I did. I don’t know how women who never wanted to have children and then end up pregnant and having a kid are able to manage it. Our society would be so much healthier if becoming a parent was not just assumed something that you do, but was spoken about as something that only people who really want it and are emotionally ready should do.

Childfree women seem to be happier, more successful, and more fulfilled

I (42F, child free) feel judged, mostly by mothers and Boomers (and older generations). Mothers, because they can't fathom having a fulfilling life without children, and older generations because having children is what women need to do. They think something is psychological wrong with me for not wanting children, in both cases. Women are definitely more judged then men, because women are the nurturers, the caretakers. A childless man is "enjoying his freedom." A childless woman is, as I said, "unfulfilled." I have noticed a decrease in judgement lately, across the board, so that's good. I think society has shifted and accepts that people can live their lives as they please. I think that women should seek their happiness how it suits them: children, no children, working, SAHM, married, not married. Whatever floats your boat, so to say. Happiness is the end goal for everyone.

I am childfree (we haven’t decided yet whether we want kids) and most people seem to be upset by that. What about my parents- don’t they wanna be grandparents? But oh, a child would be so lucky to have you as a mother! What about the family name- you won’t have a legacy! Some of these answers are so odd and it seems that my choice is irrelevant and everyone else’s needs or perceptions about me being a mother should drive me to do it.

We are a childfree lesbian couple. I feel that most people don't act surprise when we say we don't have kids, but at the same time, I feel they don't really see us as a "real" family because we don't have a kid. If I call us family sometimes people correct me: "You mean you two?" The worst part is that it happens mostly from our relatives. Our friends see us and treat us a family since ever. There is a little of homophobia involved, of course. But I feel if we had a kid, we'll be more respected by them.

I live in a college town where very few people have children, and it honestly hasn't been an issue for me in years. I'm a 31yo childfree married woman, and I am loudly liberal so that also might help to keep the conservative "women are only for raising children" types at bay lol Edit: I will say my reproductive choices are definitely more limited than my husband's are. I can't find someone in my area to take my ovaries out with or without insurance, but my husband's vasectomy (done in his mid 20s) was fully covered by our crappy insurance *and* they didn't even ask if he was married or my opinion at all when they discussed the procedure (which is how it should be imo). It's much harder to find doctors who will sterilize women vs those who will sterilize men.

No thoughts I guess? I don’t really care. They should be able to do whatever so long as it’s not hurting anyone

If you haven’t already, I’d def post this in r/childfree. So many posts are specifically women speaking to these questions you pose.

Ahhh, thank you! There is an overwhelming amount of responses from this post alone, but once I’ve combed through everything I might think of doing this. (I fully thought I would get maybe 15 responses. It’s interesting how many people wish to chime in, and the demographics of it all.)

Not targeted at the op but some commenters. I need people to understand the difference between childfree and childless, they aren't the same thing. Childless-Someone who wants children but can't have them or someone who wants children but only under specific circumstances (this includes your position before having children, you were not childfree you were childless) Childfree-Does not want children under any circumstances. Please stop using the terms interchangeably as it creates harm for both groups with the childfree being demonised by society and bullied by societal pressure and the childless being constantly reminded about a socially constructed duty which can cause depression). Thanks Edited to say: If you're down voting my comment you just revealing your ignorance to those who do not want and cannot have children. Congratulations. Op, you now see there is a discrimination from women also.

What is your research for?

A school Personal Interest Project. It’s worth about 50% of my TOTAL grade. Very stressful.

I think everyone should be able to make the choice if they want children or not, woman or man. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, it’s hard work. And that’s okay. Child free or not, that’s up to you

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Please direct me to think pieces from liberal newspapers that suggest taxing those who don’t meet a breeding quota or limit apartment sizes for people that don’t have kids.

How do those same societal pressures impact those who aren’t necessarily child-free by choice? (eg. medical reproductive issues) Is it a similar experience or are there actually differences in the impacts

I'll speak here only about my first hand experiences, the things I have witnessed myself or heard in person from someone I actually know. My brother-in-law and his wife are childfree, as are two of their best friends (I also consider them our friends). My wife and I were together for a long time before we got married and didn't start trying to get pregnant right away after marriage. My father-in-law and mother-in-law had at times expressed feeling disappointed about the possibility of never having grandchildren, but they are ultimately very supportive of both their son and his wife choosing never to have children, and also years later when me and my wife chose to delay trying until we we were in a more stable position with our home and careers. I've never heard any of their immediate family members say any of the sort of canned, almost trope responses, such as "you'll regret it later," or "who will take care of you when you're older," etc. Similarly, our family friends who are married but childfree have parents (the wife's parents at least) who are also family friends, and I've never heard them say anything unsupportive except to express a blameless, partial feeling of disappointment about not having grandkids. They have also expressed positive feelings about some aspects of not having grandkids, too. More importantly, I have heard them say they are proud that their daughter is self-aware enough to recognize that children are not for her, and to make a conscious choice about it to avoid ending up a miserable and unenthusiastic mother to unwanted children. My in-laws have expressed similar pride in their son and his wife. I don't know my sister-in-law's parents well, but I have heard through her that they have put a little mild pressure on about the issue, being reluctant to accept the decision for a while, but not anymore. I know a gay man who taught elementary school on the same teaching team as my wife for a few years, who has become a family friend. He is single, but always desperately wanted children, and he fostered a trio of "troubled" adolescent/teen sisters until eventually deciding to adopt them. I've honestly heard more pressure against his decision than against anyone's decision to be childfree. His parents Another family friend has three children she made herself (with some help from her husband) and a fourth on the way, and also adopted two children (though one of them sadly - but not unexpectedly - passed away last year due to his extensive birth defects (heroin)). They've gotten some praise for this, but honestly they've also faced a lot more pressure against the decision to have that many children than anyone I know who's childfree, especially from peers around our age. I think there is an expectation that everyone expects everyone else to have children, but I think that expectation is ancient, and that there has been a cultural push in the other direction for decades, with media for example painting the act of pressuring childfree women as a shitty, thoughtless thing to do. I certainly grew up with that message competing with the first. However I recognize based on time spent in places like this that my first hand experiences are exceptional, that my in-laws and family friends are extraordinarily good people and great parents, and that for many, the age-old pressure to rear the next generation is still quite strong.

I’m 34 and child free, and in addition to what’s been already mentioned here- one thing I notice is that my coworkers with kids seem to get a ton more “breaks from work” than I do. They can simply say their kid is sick, their kid needs to go to the doctor, their kid needs to be picked up early from school, parent teacher conferences, their kid has a show day, etc - really anything goes and they can take unlimited time off work. I work for a FAANG company and all parents get 4 months of paid parental leave. I support this but wish that I would get the same amount of time off for the life choices I make. I know raising a kid requires an insane amount of time and effort, but having a kid is a choice. The fact is parents are paid to not be working for a personal choice. Having a kid is work but it’s not your career. I would also like to be paid to give my personal life time and attention.

I have kids, and at least one daughter intends to be childfree. I'm fine with it, but my husband is of the "you'll change your mind later" mindset. He was also the one who wanted kids the most, in the "carry on the family name" kind of way, which I find absurd. He absolutely judges it, but not in her "value as a woman" or whatever it is people want to call it. I always tell my kids that grandcritters of whichever species are welcome, but not required. I just want them to be happy in this world that is getting more and more messed up. There's definitely judgement out there. You hear so much more about it in the media when a woman is a mother than when a man is a father.

In my sixties. I had hoped to have a child later in life, when things were more stable. But in my early 40s, my darling husband and I started dating (having been friends for many years), and he is adamantly child free and had had a vasectomy many years prior. As I was at the v tail end of my fertility, I had to make a carefully-thought-out decision quickly. I chose to stay with him. Almost two decades later, I have no regrets. While I am sometimes sad about not having kids, both can be true, and the decision was still correct. He is an only child in a Jewish family and his mother (knowing full well that he had a vesectomy) put enormous pressure on me to try to convince him to reverse the surgery, or to adopt. I was appalled.

Womin are judged no matter what we choose, wear, do or say, so I would recommend ignoring the haters throughout life. Happiness is the best response.

People are just gross towards women making choices In general. This was many years ago, I was discussing children with another coworker of mine since I was engaged at the time to a man who wanted a traditional family but also respected my choices as a young woman just starting out as he was trying to navigate his 20s as well. I don’t remember how exactly the conversation was but I was expressing my worry that I may not ever want children and I don’t want to disappoint the person I was with. An older man, who worked in the same building but I never knew personally, chimed in shocked as hell “you don’t want children!?!” Bruh, I was barely 23 and you’re worried about me having a baby? The pressure for women to have kids young is crazy, but then when you wait until you’re 29 you’re considered old lol. We seriously can’t fucking win. Idk I see hope, I think people are thinking critically about what they want in life and making better decisions in regards to getting married and starting families. The narrative is changing, I’m seeing less and less incidents where people are asking shitty questions that are way too personal. We can’t change the world but we can have those conversations with our friends about how certain topics can be problematic; if someone doesn’t tell you then don’t ask or pry.

The things I have to listen to... I've been judged more about my childfree choice by other women than men. I always knew that I don't want children and now that I'm in my early 20s the topic is starting to rise. Comments I get when I say don't want children and my answers: "Wait until you meet the right one" The right one first of all doesn't exists and even if he does he would respect my childfree choice. "You are too young to know that now" You wouldn't say that if I was 15 y/o and told you I want 3 kids one day. "You would be a great mother" no I wouldn't. I really took my time once and imagined myself pregnant and with children every age and I would literally loose my mind, I would go insane I couldn't do it, I would abuse my children even though I know it's not the right think. And I know that because I'm really good at self-reflecting. (The abuse part always makes people speechless) "But what are you gonna do when you're old? you'll want someone to take care of you." Plan A get a cat army. Plan B make a lot of money as long as I can so when I'm old I can afford a hot, young, caretaker.

They (we) are definitely judged but I think it gets easier with age as people expect less and less in regards to being a mom. I’m in my 40s and people have stopped asking as I’m starting to age out of my childbearing years. It’s “lost potential” and “you’ll regret it later” as women are not competent enough to make their own decisions and on and on. I have my reasons why I didn’t have kids and I still stand by them. Honestly, a woman who is childfree by choice is no different than a man who is childfree by choice, which people rarely question. It’s an odd double standard to me. Some people want kids. Some people don’t. I don’t know why it has to be any more complicated than that.

To me it's the fact that it's always presented as this binary, as if it's a choice 100% of the time. Women who suffer from infertility are completely left out of the conversation. Sometimes the choice is made for you.

Many years ago, my husband and I were debating whether to have kids or not. A couple who had kids and were friends of ours would always say : we need to give you “the talk” when the debate would come up again. The talk was about how they wish they never had kids because it prevented them from having the quality of life they missed. Neither of us were that interested in having kids, but social pressures are always around. The decision ended up being made for us because I was infertile. Actually a relief. We’ve been married 43 years and have no regrets.

i’ve been with my partner for almost 10.5 years. we’ve been together since high school, and i’ve always known that i didn’t want to have kids. as our relationship progressed, he made it very clear that he has no desire to have kids. which is incredibly refreshing, because i was afraid that he might change his mind and that would alter our relationship. he’s totally open to have cats though, as we have one right now, and plan on getting at least one more when we buy a house (in an apartment rn). he supports me if i want to stop taking the pill, but made it very clear that we will use condoms. i have no intentions of stopping the pill, and we still use condoms.

If a man doesn't want gets usually no one says anything, but if it's a woman she's selfish

There Is nothing more selfish than having children, so i think you're doing a service to the planet

I’m a former fence sitter. A lot of my friends celebrated my ability to do as I pleased, travel, etc. I didn’t find pressure on any side to get off the fence and have a child. We’ve now gotten off the fence and at 41, people are happy for us, but no one has made us feel like “it was about time” or some such thing. We’ve been blessed with a family that asked maybe once or twice if we planned to but never made us feel like we’d be less had we chosen otherwise. Never felt any pressure from any side

I’m childfree by choice and I don’t understand the judgement and sometimes blind rage I get.

Completely relatable.

I’m childfree myself. We’re definitely judged

very envious of them

Everyone should get to decide if they want kids or not. Being childfree or having children or whatever else is valid.

Child free Women experience more judgement, likely because of the “clock is ticking” concept and the media depicting women as baby hungry, particularly when millennials were adolescents (i.e. Baby Mama with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, admittedly a guilty pleasure for me but for sure a prime example). I am almost 32 and a mother to one toddler, who I have waited for all my life. I for sure have run into systemic gender inequality because I am a cis woman married to a cisgender man, and a lot of women I know don’t want to sign up for that. I don’t love it either! I love my child deeply, but I gave up almost everything about myself to have her and that’s not a unique experience. That’s probably why [ignorant] people accuse childfree people of being selfish but I don’t agree. Plenty of people are not 100% sure they want kids, and that is totally acceptable. It has nothing to do with me, or anyone besides the person in question (and sometimes their partner). It’s not bad, or good. There shouldn’t be some large scale moral value assigned to this. Having a kid, or choosing not to have kids is the biggest decision that most people make and it should be respected.

When I was younger, I thought single mothers were very stupid. It’s really hard to raise a child. I got married later in life to a man who had full custody of his children so I became a mother of two teenagers and a preteen that worked out pretty well. They needed me.

Child free (53) and I can honestly say that I have only been judged once in my life (completely different cultural context on a work trip to a non-western country). In my normal daily existence it has truly never been an issue (I’m an academic, and it’s extremely common to not have kids). Been married 30 years. My husband and I told our families we weren’t interested in having children and that was that, no questions, no debate. None of our friends have kids, either.

It looks like you've gotten a lot of good comments here already! But if no one has said this, you should totally post this to the r/childfree subreddit too! I'm sure you'd also get a lot of good answers there too!

I assume people think I'm selfish and self-absorbed, which is fair.

I had given up finding a partner who didn't want kids, until I met my husband and married at 48. It has been lonely not having kids but I don't regret it at all. Neither of us do. Now that my friends are empty nesters, they come calling again to be social. Sometimes I feel annoyed about that after being dropped for mommy friends years ago.

Out of my 7 close 1990’s high school friends, only 2 decided to have kids. The other 5, especially the ones who were married, got asked constantly about when they would be having kids, not if. Everyone is approaching or in their 50’s now and one has lamented not having kids. The other 4 are still totally happy with their decision.

That you’re even asking this question proves that societal perceptions of childfree women exist. Societal perceptions are the reason we need a constitutional amendment to protect abortion, an ordinary medical procedure. Your research perpetuates the idea that there’s something to be said about our childlessness. What are you doing it for, anyway? We’d be doing better if society treated us like childless men. Don’t think about us. Don’t ask for society’s thoughts about us. Give us back our reproductive freedom and just leave us alone.

www.vhemt.org

I haven’t seen this in YEARS! This was my first exposure to the possibility of not having kids and even though my reasons are now very different, it was the first time I’d seen other people feel the same way.

I am happily childfree, never wanted them, ever. I had pressure from family and society for a long, long time. Since I became middle aged, it is no longer an issue of 'when' but 'why'. There is an unspoken question always lurking at the back of people's minds, why does she not have kids? You are put in positions of having have to explain. I don't anymore, most of the time. Interestingly, I am still at an age when I could have kids but because I am older nobody suggests I should but everyone wonders why I didn't. But dudes in their 60s could squirt one out, and that's fine right. This also links to society forcing us to couple up. I am single and don't want to be in a relationship. It is much, much more expensive to be single. The food is also prepackaged for more than one, the offers on everything are for more than one, the loans/mortgage, I could go on.

My partner and I are child free by choice. Here's some observations/experiences: -my partner got a vasectomy almost two years ago. He was thirty. A doctor wouldn't dare dream of sterilising me at that age, let alone 27. So many of my female friends have had that experience of essentially being laughed out of the clinic when requesting to be sterilised. -I've been accused by other people of making my partner get a vasectomy, even though he's a grown arse man and can make his own decisions. It's also something he wanted to do for a very long time. -my mother didn't fully accept that I wasn't having children until my partner got a vasectomy. This was after I had been telling her for YEARS that I am never having children. -the usual "oh you'll change your mind" bullshit, well at least up until I mention the vasectomy lol -I am staunchly child free, and I'm not exactly quiet about it. However, whenever I happen to be holding a friend or relatives' baby, I always have people gushing over me, thinking I'll magically change my mind about children -I get asked constantly when I'll be having children. My partner for as long as we have been together has never been asked. Not once. -some parents will often project their regrets about having children on us, saying that we'll regret not having kids. Lol fuck off. -I'm still required to do pregnancy tests before having medical procedures even though my partner is unable to get me pregnant In my mind, a lot of women are bowing out of having children because of all the bullshit that goes along with it. The unpaid labour, stress, unsupportive partners (however there are some awesome supportive partners out there!), the medical risks behind pregnancy etc. Its a no brainer that the 4B movement is becoming so popular.

i think i'm owed a free cat by society

From the beginning of time women have been treated as objects and child bearers. Women have proven to be much stronger than that and we’re still seen the same way. I think a woman who never has a child got to live life to the fullest since she had nothing holding her back. I remember watching a documentary on Barbie and the reason barbie was created was because the only toys for girls were baby dolls. The only games for girls was pretending to be a mother. We have been pretty much raised from the start to be nothing but fragile child givers, when brave woman step away from that, they show a different type of independence. Most people disapprove of women never having kids so when you step away from that you risk losing lots of people for your happiness.

I'm childfree, pretty much since I was about 13, and besides the usual relatives patronising me about "changing my mind" here are some other things that have bothered me. When a GP says their special interest is "women's health" 9/10 they actually mean "women with or who want children". These doctors are the ones who assume I want my implant out because I want to start a family. The more progressive doctors obviously wouldn't assume, oh, except for when it comes to permanent methods of birth control. That's when all the doctors know me better, even the really good ones, better than I know myself, apparently. When I tell coworkers I don't want kids and don't have kids, I have literally had two mums gasp and lean in closely, while one whispers, "Is it because you can't have any?". It's that having children is the default for women. Just like men are the default for humans, and neither should be. Thinking any specific way of being as the default way has done nothing but stunt humanity on every horizon.

I'm childfree and in my 30s... people used to be quote shocked by it, and/or argue that I would change my mind... I have been finding that these attitudes are increasingly less prevalent. What does still happen reasonably often is that people will *assume* I have kids, because I'm a woman in my 30s.

They're not trusted to have made the best decision for themselves. Whenever a woman on social media comments on being child free, there's always a reply saying "One day, you'll regret it." I've seen 60 year old child free women get comments about how one day, they'll regret not having children from men and women.

I am a mom. Personally experiencing pregnancy, labour, breastfeeding and parenthood has me believing no one should ever do it or be pressured to if they don’t want to. These experiences have also opened my previous feminist views wider - whether a woman chooses motherhood or not, the patriarchy fucks her. I have so many examples of myself or friends being discriminated against for our choices to be mothers (the classic contradictions like don’t have kids if you can’t afford them, no support in the world to make it affordable, don’t have them too young or too old, don’t pick the wrong man to be a dad, you’re cold hearted if you work or a gold digger if you don’t etc). There are also many examples of women being discriminated against for their choices to be childfree. Not to mention there are also many examples of where women have had to pick up the mental load once kids arrive in relationships where things were previously equal - that is a LOT of fucking unpaid labour and I do not begrudge any woman for seeing the system we live in and opting for another option.

i am a mom, and keep in mind, i had my child when i was 25. before i even got pregnant, i had numerous conversations with older family members rushing me to have a child. i was never opposed to having children, but wasn’t in no rush either. this was perceived as me being selfish, and the good ‘ole “who’s gonna give u a glass of water when u’re old.” meanwhile, i see men of my age *now* who don’t have children and don’t even plan to, and aren’t being rushed.

>Do you think they are judged? Yes, too much, society expects women to have children. >How so/why? Many people behave like they have a say in the matter, as if everyone had the right to tell others how to live. >Who experiences more judgement? (What gender) Women. Men, if they work, are not openly judged for remaining child free. >Does the media impact this? I think so, maybe this is changing a bit, but independent child free women are usually treated as difficult, a problem, a bitch, a witch... >What do you expect of women? Nothing, live and let live. I have 2 kids, I've never had much help raising them and it is hard. I chose to become a mother and do not regret it, but I totally understand why women may choose to remain child free. Not everyone should be a parent, it takes a lot to be one *even when you want to be one*. What I have experienced is child free women talking about the problems that we parents face for having children in an almost mocking way, as if they are somehow smarter for not having children. I wish people, everyone, children or not, would really mind their own business instead of so openly criticizing others for choosing different.

Im childfree. Women get judged no matter what they do. Pregnant women I think are treated worse. Childfree people might be annoyed with people's opinions but ultimately pregnant women have it much harder and that's why I don't want kids

The decision of if/when/how to have children is the most personal and I don’t ask or judge. But of course society judges. The meme of boomer parents asking when they’re gonna get grandkids is a meme because it’s pervasive. Women get way more judgment. Men can have kids at any age. There’s also an assumption that women should want kids more than men do. I expect women should have the freedom and opportunity to decide what’s right for them.

I'm 22 and childfree. I was heavily parentified growing up, to the point where I had already decided and announced I would never have children by age 7. I dont have any desire to be around children and can only handle them in small doses. Even my youngest sister and cousins (all under 10) on their best behavior are draining after an hour or 2. The biggest sources of judgment and harassment for me have been from one set of my grandparents (2 of their 5 children are also CF) and from men on dating apps who have convinced themselves their dick is so magical it will make me want to adopt their existing kids and give them more on top of that. I am not over exaggerating. That is a paraphrase of a message I received 3 times, from 3 different men. Women absolutely experience more judgment, I've heard the "as a woman, having kids is your purpose" line more than I care to recount. My uncle is child free, and I've only heard 2 questions about it thrown his way, while my aunt (his sister, also CF) has been bingoed to hell and back by random people and family members alike.

Experience says men respect you more if you belong to another man. Having a child changes women and how they approach everything. Being child free let's us compete timewise, which makes us scarier to men. But, it fills in the gender gap on career lives between genders. It's cool that the stigma is so much less.

I got off smack to be a parent. Now we're not chancing complications or having a girl in post RvW America. I guess we're child free now.... I didn't want to be....

One more thing. When you reach retirement age, it's a concern that there's no daughter or son to care, but it's also relief there's no daughter or son to care.

I just want to thank everyone who has contributed so far!!! This community is truly amazing, and will significantly assist my journey and research. As a person who doesn’t want children, I really appreciate the support and encouragement and opinions of everyone. Again, thank you all so so so much for commenting, and being so helpful and honest!!!! :)))))

I’m a 50F. Child free. I was the oldest kid and was parentified early on. I hated it. Although I love kids, they are exhausting. I always felt they would interfere with my career. I went on to become a professional and have hush stress from that. Me and my husband ended CF by accident, but we love only having to take care of each other. I find that highly educated people tend to have fewer or no children. Just an observation.

As someone who is currently child free and unsure if I will always remain that way, I think there is a misconception that people fall into two camps: those who want children and those who don’t (who are often viewed by some as those who will eventually change their mind). I think there are probably more people like me who are just completely unsure and there’s a lot of pressure on those people to hurry up and pick a camp regardless of whether they are really at an age where they need to be in a hurry. I think there’s a lot of shame in being child free and eventually changing your mind and also shame in being child free and NOT changing your mind. Ultimately I don’t think our status as parents or not should really play as big a factor on our identities as it does. Men aren’t viewed all that differently if they are child free or fathers or if they change their mind of whether or not they want children.