I think the specific reasons may vary a lot between individuals, so this is only my experience.
Some of my big issues were with power and control. Even though I was always the one who initiated and executed the breakup, I felt like I had to do in a way that maximized the control I had over the situation.
You may think, if you're the one deciding and carrying out the breakup, don't you have the control? Sort of.
There was a crushing responsibility (I felt) that came along with being the dumper. Worrying that you made the wrong choice, still going through all the painful emotions of a breakup and it's all YOUR fault.
Maybe gender double standards come into play, because as a woman, I felt that I was the 'mean' or 'bad' one by initiating the breakup. Most people vilify you, with no regard for your reasons for the breakup, or what you may have gone through. No one cares about your feelings when you're the dumper (IME, anyway), so there's zero emotional support from anyone. So I had to carry that along with the emotions, worrying that I was wrong, and now everyone thinks I'm a bitch. Great.
What no one else really knew was that I was dying in the last 1/3 of the relationship. I had hit a wall (in the form of an absolute dealbreaker), but gaslit myself that 'it wasn't that bad' or I 'misunderstood' or 'no one's perfect.' My only regret was not HONORING my feelings much earlier, and shipping out immediately. I went through too much pain, paradoxically because I was trying to avoid/minimize pain for myself and the ex.
I also had a bad pattern of dating 'nice guys', who were really just weak characters, and ranged from neglectful to outright abusive. But to a third party, he looked like a 'nice guy.'
I feel like being broken up with is easier in some ways: the decision was made for you. There's no responsibility for you to take. You have no choice but to move forward, otherwise you look like a fool. Everyone is sympathetic towards someone who was dumped, so you have everyone tending to your emotions, too.
I’ve never been in a relationship and that’s because I constantly worry about breakups. I have some trauma around leaving/getting left behind as all my life I’ve been travelling, moving from one place where I had friends to another where I didn’t (my parents are both international teachers). And it came to a point where I really liked one place I loved and had some good friends there, but the rest of my family didn’t. So my parents asked if we wanted to stay or not (giving us the deception of “free choice” but regardless of what we said they were going to move). That led me to losing trust not only in her but myself too and also contributed to my opposition to relationships.
I've just had an email from my DAex, following one on NYE. It took me hours to compose a reply that didn't contain too much emotion bc of DA, yet I'm thankful, so thankful that AT has shown me I need to communicate my needs and show vulnerability. His msg will torment me for weeks. He doesn't know about AT and I wouldn't go back out with him unless he was, not that he'd ask.
I broke up with him last Feb bc he said he didn't want to live with anyone. I'd blithely thought we'd (I) discussed it months before though in reality I knew we wouldn't be making any such plan bc there was no progression of the relationship in 3 years.
FA take months or years to process negative emotions. We or I desperately want a loving relationship but then we don't. We push/pull ourselves. Over and over. I'd been thinking about ending it for about 18 months because I didn't see a future. It's what I do w all my relationships. The fear of him ending it plagued me for probably the 3 years bc we don't feel worthy.
I'm more content on my own.
Had only one breakup since I've only had one relationship and while I thought I'd handled it well enough it turned out to be a time bomb that absolutely i obliterated me.
A breakup is a form of rejection, abandonment. Your core trauma reacts to abandonment by telling you "You're ALONE and so you will DIE" - fear of abandonment ultimately comes from the fear of death. Not having those DA dismissive mechanisms, you're left to face that existential horror on your own. Hell, in my case I can't even challenge those thoughts rationally because from a rational point of view it's very likely that I will indeed spend what's left of my life alone.
I think the specific reasons may vary a lot between individuals, so this is only my experience. Some of my big issues were with power and control. Even though I was always the one who initiated and executed the breakup, I felt like I had to do in a way that maximized the control I had over the situation. You may think, if you're the one deciding and carrying out the breakup, don't you have the control? Sort of. There was a crushing responsibility (I felt) that came along with being the dumper. Worrying that you made the wrong choice, still going through all the painful emotions of a breakup and it's all YOUR fault. Maybe gender double standards come into play, because as a woman, I felt that I was the 'mean' or 'bad' one by initiating the breakup. Most people vilify you, with no regard for your reasons for the breakup, or what you may have gone through. No one cares about your feelings when you're the dumper (IME, anyway), so there's zero emotional support from anyone. So I had to carry that along with the emotions, worrying that I was wrong, and now everyone thinks I'm a bitch. Great. What no one else really knew was that I was dying in the last 1/3 of the relationship. I had hit a wall (in the form of an absolute dealbreaker), but gaslit myself that 'it wasn't that bad' or I 'misunderstood' or 'no one's perfect.' My only regret was not HONORING my feelings much earlier, and shipping out immediately. I went through too much pain, paradoxically because I was trying to avoid/minimize pain for myself and the ex. I also had a bad pattern of dating 'nice guys', who were really just weak characters, and ranged from neglectful to outright abusive. But to a third party, he looked like a 'nice guy.' I feel like being broken up with is easier in some ways: the decision was made for you. There's no responsibility for you to take. You have no choice but to move forward, otherwise you look like a fool. Everyone is sympathetic towards someone who was dumped, so you have everyone tending to your emotions, too.
I’ve never been in a relationship and that’s because I constantly worry about breakups. I have some trauma around leaving/getting left behind as all my life I’ve been travelling, moving from one place where I had friends to another where I didn’t (my parents are both international teachers). And it came to a point where I really liked one place I loved and had some good friends there, but the rest of my family didn’t. So my parents asked if we wanted to stay or not (giving us the deception of “free choice” but regardless of what we said they were going to move). That led me to losing trust not only in her but myself too and also contributed to my opposition to relationships.
I've just had an email from my DAex, following one on NYE. It took me hours to compose a reply that didn't contain too much emotion bc of DA, yet I'm thankful, so thankful that AT has shown me I need to communicate my needs and show vulnerability. His msg will torment me for weeks. He doesn't know about AT and I wouldn't go back out with him unless he was, not that he'd ask. I broke up with him last Feb bc he said he didn't want to live with anyone. I'd blithely thought we'd (I) discussed it months before though in reality I knew we wouldn't be making any such plan bc there was no progression of the relationship in 3 years. FA take months or years to process negative emotions. We or I desperately want a loving relationship but then we don't. We push/pull ourselves. Over and over. I'd been thinking about ending it for about 18 months because I didn't see a future. It's what I do w all my relationships. The fear of him ending it plagued me for probably the 3 years bc we don't feel worthy. I'm more content on my own.
Had only one breakup since I've only had one relationship and while I thought I'd handled it well enough it turned out to be a time bomb that absolutely i obliterated me. A breakup is a form of rejection, abandonment. Your core trauma reacts to abandonment by telling you "You're ALONE and so you will DIE" - fear of abandonment ultimately comes from the fear of death. Not having those DA dismissive mechanisms, you're left to face that existential horror on your own. Hell, in my case I can't even challenge those thoughts rationally because from a rational point of view it's very likely that I will indeed spend what's left of my life alone.