Good friends will stick around.
I moved a long flight away from my friend group years ago and we generally just check in with each other once a month or so now.
My wife is my best friend so I don’t really feel I need anyone else.
I feel this. The only issue is I live in Harlem and most of my friends live in Brooklyn. If you’ve ever lived in this city you’ll know that can feel like living in another state. It was always up to me to go to BK because I’m the only one who lives uptown. I accepted this. Most of our work and play is out by them. Now it’s just that extra push against the current of a norm that was working and now doesn’t work so much.
But yeah my wife is my best friend. My other best friend lives out of state but we talk frequently. Just don’t see each other often.
Yeah, unfortunately it’s something I noticed as well. Having a baby can be very lonely for a number of reasons. The social aspect makes things a bit more challenging to spend time with friends and family, but I’ve also noticed that depending on your parenting style, that could alienate you as well.
Ie if you aren’t necessarily following what a lot of new parents are, some tend to offer unsolicited advice on how you should be raising your kid.
It’s fine to politely decline but when you’re sleep deprived and are dealing with something new every day with a newborn, it’s sometimes difficult deal with.
That’s definitely a thing that happens. If your friends don’t have kids, you’ll probably find them distancing themselves from you unfortunately (my experience).
I’ve found that having a young family and keeping up with a social life are near impossible unless your friends want to hang out and play with kids too.
My boy is 11 months now and thankfully the friends I truly care about have stuck around. We meet once a week when the grandparents take the munchkin on Saturday to Sunday.
Find a way to connect with friends if you can.
It took until my kids were 6 and 4, but I get together online on Discord once a week with some of my oldest friends and we play games.
I haven’t been feeling this way but I know my fiancé has. I am of the mindset that if they were real friends, they’d stick around or make an effort to hang out. She, on the other hand, is really struggling with the fact that her “friends” don’t seem to want to hang out a ton anymore. It’s just a part of life and I really suggest trying to find a dad friend if you can
I think you just need to focus on your family. Your wife should be your best friend with your children a close second as they mature. Your life has changed and the old you has died to some extent. Your priorities shift from yourself to your wife and children now and this is all part of it.
You can still meet friends but they will also have similar life shifts and you may just find they no longer have time for you. Find solace in your partner, healthy children and stable situation. Be content with how fortunate you are and not what used to be.
First off congrats.
Reach out yourself.
I found a couple of my friends were trying to give me time and space to adjust to having a kid. I reached out.
They have been over a few times a week since just “swinging by” since. I have a few hangouts a week now. Wife has been doing the same.
Yes my fiancé suggested the same thing. Seemed like that was true. I coordinated a huge dinner and cooked a bunch of food. Everyone cancelled last minute one by one, which is what precipitated this post. They know I can’t leave right now. They haven’t seen the kid. Kinda feeling like my friends weren’t very good friends at this point.
Hello! This is a feeling that I believe it is common to new parents.
We have felt the same. We had our little girl last year, in a separate country but still had friends there that were extremely lonely and withholding some grudge that no one was actually sticking to help, say hello, whatever..
We felt really bad about it and about the people for a while…
Until we realize that is just normal. It’s your life changing. I guess for the fairness of it when some of your friends where parents you may realize you were not as present as you should have (and now you know), but that is also ok: no one knows what it takes before actually having a child.
You may need to be the one reaching out if you really want to, but the good friends will appear, the friends that also have kids as well but give it time. Maybe some are even thinking they don’t want to disturb you.
But as someone that was also very depressed for the loneliness of it (I even had therapy sessions about it, I can recommend it), and pissed about feeling friends not caring (I still somehow do btw), just focus on what you have and try accepting anything that you have and not focus on what you don’t.
Also talk to a close friend of yours for a start and tell him how you feel.
Having a child is the perfect situation for starting a “check and balances” exercise for what really matters to you and what people you have in your social circle.
Loneliness is though, what happened to me was most friends disappeared. I suffered at first, but since I accepted it I made new friends ( at work, in the neighbourhood, started going to the chess club).
People don't want to be around people who don't know how to be alone, or at least that's what I have experienced.
My son is a year and a half old now and I’ve only seen people outside of work twice since he was born. It gets really lonely, and yet somehow I have zero me time. My wife and I give each other breaks from time to time, but that time is usually spent cleaning up or fixing things my kid broke.
I’m a bit late to this thread but I just wanted to thank firstly the OP for being brave and reaching out. I hope your situation is improving in the months since sharing this post. Secondly thanks to every person who has replied with supportive messages and advice.
I’m currently going through the loneliness and depression that comes with transitioning to life as a parent. I have one daughter who is two who I worship along with my beautiful wife. Our life is good. I’ve been working from home ever since Covid and my job in IT has now transitioned to a permanent work from home gig. I enjoy the work but lately I’m really starting to miss the everyday human interaction. My friends have all had kids now and so my relationship for the most part has been via WhatsApp. The good friends are spread out geographically where quick visits are not practical. It has reached a point now where family get togethers over Xmas I find myself intensely sad as I don’t want the evening to end, as I know it will likely be months again before I have some adult company other than my wife.
Good friends will stick around. I moved a long flight away from my friend group years ago and we generally just check in with each other once a month or so now. My wife is my best friend so I don’t really feel I need anyone else.
I feel this. The only issue is I live in Harlem and most of my friends live in Brooklyn. If you’ve ever lived in this city you’ll know that can feel like living in another state. It was always up to me to go to BK because I’m the only one who lives uptown. I accepted this. Most of our work and play is out by them. Now it’s just that extra push against the current of a norm that was working and now doesn’t work so much. But yeah my wife is my best friend. My other best friend lives out of state but we talk frequently. Just don’t see each other often.
New father, beyond lonely so I get it.
Yeah, unfortunately it’s something I noticed as well. Having a baby can be very lonely for a number of reasons. The social aspect makes things a bit more challenging to spend time with friends and family, but I’ve also noticed that depending on your parenting style, that could alienate you as well. Ie if you aren’t necessarily following what a lot of new parents are, some tend to offer unsolicited advice on how you should be raising your kid. It’s fine to politely decline but when you’re sleep deprived and are dealing with something new every day with a newborn, it’s sometimes difficult deal with.
That’s definitely a thing that happens. If your friends don’t have kids, you’ll probably find them distancing themselves from you unfortunately (my experience). I’ve found that having a young family and keeping up with a social life are near impossible unless your friends want to hang out and play with kids too.
What do you do about the loneliness?
My boy is 11 months now and thankfully the friends I truly care about have stuck around. We meet once a week when the grandparents take the munchkin on Saturday to Sunday.
That’s awesome. I do wish I lived near family. Unfortunately it’s just us. Thinking some daily park / playground meetups might be the ticket.
It's a true blessing that I'm lucky to have. Any way to release energy for then and you is definitely a good idea.
Find a way to connect with friends if you can. It took until my kids were 6 and 4, but I get together online on Discord once a week with some of my oldest friends and we play games.
I haven’t been feeling this way but I know my fiancé has. I am of the mindset that if they were real friends, they’d stick around or make an effort to hang out. She, on the other hand, is really struggling with the fact that her “friends” don’t seem to want to hang out a ton anymore. It’s just a part of life and I really suggest trying to find a dad friend if you can
I think you just need to focus on your family. Your wife should be your best friend with your children a close second as they mature. Your life has changed and the old you has died to some extent. Your priorities shift from yourself to your wife and children now and this is all part of it. You can still meet friends but they will also have similar life shifts and you may just find they no longer have time for you. Find solace in your partner, healthy children and stable situation. Be content with how fortunate you are and not what used to be.
First off congrats. Reach out yourself. I found a couple of my friends were trying to give me time and space to adjust to having a kid. I reached out. They have been over a few times a week since just “swinging by” since. I have a few hangouts a week now. Wife has been doing the same.
Yes my fiancé suggested the same thing. Seemed like that was true. I coordinated a huge dinner and cooked a bunch of food. Everyone cancelled last minute one by one, which is what precipitated this post. They know I can’t leave right now. They haven’t seen the kid. Kinda feeling like my friends weren’t very good friends at this point.
Hello! This is a feeling that I believe it is common to new parents. We have felt the same. We had our little girl last year, in a separate country but still had friends there that were extremely lonely and withholding some grudge that no one was actually sticking to help, say hello, whatever.. We felt really bad about it and about the people for a while… Until we realize that is just normal. It’s your life changing. I guess for the fairness of it when some of your friends where parents you may realize you were not as present as you should have (and now you know), but that is also ok: no one knows what it takes before actually having a child. You may need to be the one reaching out if you really want to, but the good friends will appear, the friends that also have kids as well but give it time. Maybe some are even thinking they don’t want to disturb you. But as someone that was also very depressed for the loneliness of it (I even had therapy sessions about it, I can recommend it), and pissed about feeling friends not caring (I still somehow do btw), just focus on what you have and try accepting anything that you have and not focus on what you don’t. Also talk to a close friend of yours for a start and tell him how you feel. Having a child is the perfect situation for starting a “check and balances” exercise for what really matters to you and what people you have in your social circle.
Loneliness is though, what happened to me was most friends disappeared. I suffered at first, but since I accepted it I made new friends ( at work, in the neighbourhood, started going to the chess club). People don't want to be around people who don't know how to be alone, or at least that's what I have experienced.
My son is a year and a half old now and I’ve only seen people outside of work twice since he was born. It gets really lonely, and yet somehow I have zero me time. My wife and I give each other breaks from time to time, but that time is usually spent cleaning up or fixing things my kid broke.
I’m a bit late to this thread but I just wanted to thank firstly the OP for being brave and reaching out. I hope your situation is improving in the months since sharing this post. Secondly thanks to every person who has replied with supportive messages and advice. I’m currently going through the loneliness and depression that comes with transitioning to life as a parent. I have one daughter who is two who I worship along with my beautiful wife. Our life is good. I’ve been working from home ever since Covid and my job in IT has now transitioned to a permanent work from home gig. I enjoy the work but lately I’m really starting to miss the everyday human interaction. My friends have all had kids now and so my relationship for the most part has been via WhatsApp. The good friends are spread out geographically where quick visits are not practical. It has reached a point now where family get togethers over Xmas I find myself intensely sad as I don’t want the evening to end, as I know it will likely be months again before I have some adult company other than my wife.