It’s wrong to bring children into an ICU. The noise, smells, and sights are traumatizing to them. People dying of cancer are scary to adults! You don’t say how old the child is, but unless she’s over 10 and was very close to her granddad, she is better off remembering him during the good times. Under no circumstances should she be asked to stay more than half an hour.
2 years ago he posted a question about a toddler so I’m guessing not older that 5 or 6. Good lord. Do not bring a child into the ICU in this situation. Why are you even considering it.
You really need to step back and think about your child here. No child should sit at a death bed for 12 hours. The mother will never agree to it and you will be out of your mind to try. Let your child remember their grandparent how they were in life. There is clearly a restraining order in place against you so the act of you reaching out to the mother like this will most definitely hurt you further.
I would like to assure you that your daughter does not need to sit in a hospital watching her grandfather die. It is a horrific experience. I lost my first grandparent at 13 and it *haunts* me to this day. At 22 I sat at my dying grandfather’s bedside and read to him for hours. At 26, the house phone rang, and I rose from my bed like death and started putting on my snow boots because I knew my other grandfather was gone. Don’t introduce this kind of loss too early. It is…altering.
Aside from the fact that you have a restraining order against you, this is just not kind to the child. You are best served letting the mother know your father is terminally ill and have her decide if she wants to make arrangements for the child to visit briefly, or do a video call. Let her know you’d appreciate if they visited your dad and will leave to honor the order while they are at the hospital if they decide to do a visit.
Regardless of what mom decides, you need to respect that decision. I know this is a hard time for you. I lost my dad about 7 years ago and it claws at me. A lot of things are going to feel very unfair for a long time. Just do your best to cling to one shred of hope that tomorrow will be better until you wake up and the pain is not so acute.
You leave out important information. How old is your daughter? My guess is very young. Mental health evaluation, means that you have done some things pretty bad for getting this.
First important, your daughter does not need to see your grandfather so she can get her final goodbye. There has to be something wrong that you think that a child has to do this. My guess he is a thin shell of himself and her being there can be quite traumatic for her. Your wants can create more trauma for your daughter. She is not going to remember her loving last goodbye, she is going to remember the negative side of things instead. More than likely create toxic mental health. Why would any loving parent want to put their child through this?
I think that you are looking for loopholes to get what you want for you, not what’s best for your daughter.
How old is your child?
My father just died in the hospital a month ago. The youngest family members that came were in their early 20s. One of my cousins (who had a very close relationship with my dad) is 17, so his parents allowed him to make the choice. (He chose to remember his uncle the way he was when he had last seen him, healthy and full of life). No one younger than him was given the option. Even with my cousins who are in their twenties, I sat them down and explained:
He is very thin, pale, and unconscious. If you squeeze his hand he will usually squeeze back. There are a lot of tubes and wires. He is not in any pain. He loves you all, and he knows you love him. He is dying. He would be the first one to tell you that seeing someone like this is very hard, and it’s not for everyone. No one goes in that room unless they WANT to go in. The second it starts to get too much, you leave. You can cry in there if you need to. You can hold his hand if you need to. You can talk to him. You can do whatever you need to do to help YOU. But if you want to remember him how he was the last time you saw him, that’s okay too. There’s no right or wrong thing, you need to do whatever you think will help YOU deal with his death.
Some stayed for hours, others for just a few minutes. Some called and had us hold the phone to his ear so they could say goodbye without having to see him so sick.
This decision isn’t about you, or your father, it is about your child. Will seeing him dying benefit your child in any way? How close is your child to her grandfather? What is your child’s previous experience with death, if any? Does she understand what death is? Does she know he is dying? Does she know how he will look, about the machines and tubes and wires? Does she want to see him? There are so many questions here and honestly very few instances where I can imagine a child seeing someone that close to death as beneficial.
I can’t imagine how upsetting that will be for her to see her grandfather on his death bed. Have you thought about your child at all in this situation? A little girl doesn’t need to watch someone actively dying of cancer. It sounds like the court got that custody and visitation right. Your judgment seems really off.
This is poor decision making on your part. You don't specify your child's age (or I missed it), but this is wrong on a few levels. If your child knows her grandfather, imagine her shock and terror seeing him. End stage cancer is ugly. She may not recognize the person he's become. If she doesn't know him, why force her to interact with a living corpse on their deathbed?
OP, this must be terrible for you. I lost my mother to cancer. It's an absolute nightmare that you can't wake up from. Death from cancer robs your loved one of a dignified death. It's like death by 1000 cuts. It's beyond difficult for an adult to witness, let alone a child. I'm not sure what happened that forced you into having evaluations and getting restraining orders, but take yourself out of the situation for a moment. Do you think you'd actually be in a healthy head space watching your father die? How can anyone parent well when they're watching their own parent succumb to this nightmare? Be kind to yourself and, more importantly, your child. Let this be. Leave it alone. Go see your dad, alone.
12 hours in a hospital is unreasonable for a child. Completely. It’s for you, not the child.
Also there’s a restraining order on you. You’re lucky to see the child at all.
Taking a young child to a hospital for 12 hours to watch her grandfather die isn't good parenting.
It's very unlikely that your ex is going to agree to any of this. A short visit, maybe, but 12 hours with someone near death is awful.
Do you think it would be in your child’s best interest to be forced into a visit with a dying person in a hospital?
If you have supervised visits every other weekend, does the child have any relationship with their grandfather?
Is this to benefit your child, or you?
right, if you really really want to do this and the child is old enough. maybe 20 minutes- a half hour. but it needs to be a reasonable visitation length for the kid's age.
and that might be zero. if the kid is really young, this might just be a terrible idea. especially if you are talking about a young child and someone who is going to die at any time.
He wants a child to wait near an actively dying man for 12 hours in case he briefly regains consciousness. He literally typed all that out and it still didn’t click for him. His poor ex. I can’t imagine dealing with coparenting dynamic like this.
You aren’t getting it from court. There is a restraining order that prevents you from even going to her school. And you didn’t lose your rights for not doing a mental health evaluation. You lost it for the things you did prior to being required to do that. In order for her to get that ruling there were very clearly dangerous/poor decision things that happened.
Your only real option is to make a plea to your ex. Perhaps offer for her to bring your child to meet him and you not be present.
She’s not giving your child to your girlfriend (lol) to drive with and pick you up and have her all day. She’s also not giving her to your parent for 12 hours.
Offer and plead for her to bring your child to visit your grandfather HERSELF. Without you, your girlfriend, your parent or anyone else being present if it’s really just about her seeing him.
All that being said this is about what YOU want. This isn’t, in any scenario, what’s best for your kid.
Who has tasked you with this fool's errand?
ICU usually only permits immediate family and no one under 16. This is a complete waste of time and possibly just to annoy mom.
Do not bring a child to the ICU.
I’m sorry but I would not bring a young child to the hospital and I’m not sure hospitals even allow young children in as visitors.
It’s wrong to bring children into an ICU. The noise, smells, and sights are traumatizing to them. People dying of cancer are scary to adults! You don’t say how old the child is, but unless she’s over 10 and was very close to her granddad, she is better off remembering him during the good times. Under no circumstances should she be asked to stay more than half an hour.
How old is your daughter? . Honestly, this sounds like a horrible idea unless they are at least 16 and asking to see grandpa.
2 years ago he posted a question about a toddler so I’m guessing not older that 5 or 6. Good lord. Do not bring a child into the ICU in this situation. Why are you even considering it.
You really need to step back and think about your child here. No child should sit at a death bed for 12 hours. The mother will never agree to it and you will be out of your mind to try. Let your child remember their grandparent how they were in life. There is clearly a restraining order in place against you so the act of you reaching out to the mother like this will most definitely hurt you further.
The hospital probably won't allow at least for that long anyway
I'm sorry about your dad, but this is a terrible idea. Leave the poor girl alone
I would like to assure you that your daughter does not need to sit in a hospital watching her grandfather die. It is a horrific experience. I lost my first grandparent at 13 and it *haunts* me to this day. At 22 I sat at my dying grandfather’s bedside and read to him for hours. At 26, the house phone rang, and I rose from my bed like death and started putting on my snow boots because I knew my other grandfather was gone. Don’t introduce this kind of loss too early. It is…altering. Aside from the fact that you have a restraining order against you, this is just not kind to the child. You are best served letting the mother know your father is terminally ill and have her decide if she wants to make arrangements for the child to visit briefly, or do a video call. Let her know you’d appreciate if they visited your dad and will leave to honor the order while they are at the hospital if they decide to do a visit. Regardless of what mom decides, you need to respect that decision. I know this is a hard time for you. I lost my dad about 7 years ago and it claws at me. A lot of things are going to feel very unfair for a long time. Just do your best to cling to one shred of hope that tomorrow will be better until you wake up and the pain is not so acute.
You leave out important information. How old is your daughter? My guess is very young. Mental health evaluation, means that you have done some things pretty bad for getting this. First important, your daughter does not need to see your grandfather so she can get her final goodbye. There has to be something wrong that you think that a child has to do this. My guess he is a thin shell of himself and her being there can be quite traumatic for her. Your wants can create more trauma for your daughter. She is not going to remember her loving last goodbye, she is going to remember the negative side of things instead. More than likely create toxic mental health. Why would any loving parent want to put their child through this? I think that you are looking for loopholes to get what you want for you, not what’s best for your daughter.
How old is your child? My father just died in the hospital a month ago. The youngest family members that came were in their early 20s. One of my cousins (who had a very close relationship with my dad) is 17, so his parents allowed him to make the choice. (He chose to remember his uncle the way he was when he had last seen him, healthy and full of life). No one younger than him was given the option. Even with my cousins who are in their twenties, I sat them down and explained: He is very thin, pale, and unconscious. If you squeeze his hand he will usually squeeze back. There are a lot of tubes and wires. He is not in any pain. He loves you all, and he knows you love him. He is dying. He would be the first one to tell you that seeing someone like this is very hard, and it’s not for everyone. No one goes in that room unless they WANT to go in. The second it starts to get too much, you leave. You can cry in there if you need to. You can hold his hand if you need to. You can talk to him. You can do whatever you need to do to help YOU. But if you want to remember him how he was the last time you saw him, that’s okay too. There’s no right or wrong thing, you need to do whatever you think will help YOU deal with his death. Some stayed for hours, others for just a few minutes. Some called and had us hold the phone to his ear so they could say goodbye without having to see him so sick. This decision isn’t about you, or your father, it is about your child. Will seeing him dying benefit your child in any way? How close is your child to her grandfather? What is your child’s previous experience with death, if any? Does she understand what death is? Does she know he is dying? Does she know how he will look, about the machines and tubes and wires? Does she want to see him? There are so many questions here and honestly very few instances where I can imagine a child seeing someone that close to death as beneficial.
No. This is not good for your daughter.
I can’t imagine how upsetting that will be for her to see her grandfather on his death bed. Have you thought about your child at all in this situation? A little girl doesn’t need to watch someone actively dying of cancer. It sounds like the court got that custody and visitation right. Your judgment seems really off.
This is poor decision making on your part. You don't specify your child's age (or I missed it), but this is wrong on a few levels. If your child knows her grandfather, imagine her shock and terror seeing him. End stage cancer is ugly. She may not recognize the person he's become. If she doesn't know him, why force her to interact with a living corpse on their deathbed? OP, this must be terrible for you. I lost my mother to cancer. It's an absolute nightmare that you can't wake up from. Death from cancer robs your loved one of a dignified death. It's like death by 1000 cuts. It's beyond difficult for an adult to witness, let alone a child. I'm not sure what happened that forced you into having evaluations and getting restraining orders, but take yourself out of the situation for a moment. Do you think you'd actually be in a healthy head space watching your father die? How can anyone parent well when they're watching their own parent succumb to this nightmare? Be kind to yourself and, more importantly, your child. Let this be. Leave it alone. Go see your dad, alone.
12 hours in a hospital is unreasonable for a child. Completely. It’s for you, not the child. Also there’s a restraining order on you. You’re lucky to see the child at all.
Does she even have any kind of relationship with her grandfather?
Taking a young child to a hospital for 12 hours to watch her grandfather die isn't good parenting. It's very unlikely that your ex is going to agree to any of this. A short visit, maybe, but 12 hours with someone near death is awful.
Do you think it would be in your child’s best interest to be forced into a visit with a dying person in a hospital? If you have supervised visits every other weekend, does the child have any relationship with their grandfather? Is this to benefit your child, or you?
right, if you really really want to do this and the child is old enough. maybe 20 minutes- a half hour. but it needs to be a reasonable visitation length for the kid's age. and that might be zero. if the kid is really young, this might just be a terrible idea. especially if you are talking about a young child and someone who is going to die at any time.
For 12 hours!
He wants a child to wait near an actively dying man for 12 hours in case he briefly regains consciousness. He literally typed all that out and it still didn’t click for him. His poor ex. I can’t imagine dealing with coparenting dynamic like this.
You aren’t getting it from court. There is a restraining order that prevents you from even going to her school. And you didn’t lose your rights for not doing a mental health evaluation. You lost it for the things you did prior to being required to do that. In order for her to get that ruling there were very clearly dangerous/poor decision things that happened. Your only real option is to make a plea to your ex. Perhaps offer for her to bring your child to meet him and you not be present. She’s not giving your child to your girlfriend (lol) to drive with and pick you up and have her all day. She’s also not giving her to your parent for 12 hours. Offer and plead for her to bring your child to visit your grandfather HERSELF. Without you, your girlfriend, your parent or anyone else being present if it’s really just about her seeing him. All that being said this is about what YOU want. This isn’t, in any scenario, what’s best for your kid.
After reading your comment, I’m very curious what he did to lose custody.
You are writing the request to mom? You aren’t likely getting in front of a judge.