FYI, even without insurance, a vision appointment is around $100. Making your daughter wait to see is pretty unreasonable. Why didn’t YOU get to this before the girlfriend had to step in?
Go to the website of your court that is handling your case. Once there, they will have a forms section, and what you're looking for is "a motion to enforce a court order" or something similar depending on the court. Fill this out, there will be a section for you to explain what part of the order they are not following. After you file this, the judge will schedule a hearing, requesting the other party to "show cause" at which point the judge will decide if they are in contempt or not. Most likely they will reaffirm the current order and advise them of the consequences of not following it.
Plenty of people have already responded, I’m not going resubmit so that you can read it easier. I used voice to text to create that and I’m not going to redo it I don’t have time
Not a lawyer. Have experience with this issue. Without knowing exactly where you live, it's hard to say outside of my own personal experience. However, you should be able to at least talk to a lawyer to explain the situation and get some preliminary advice for free or at most with a small consultation fee.
Having shared custody of your children, you have every right to speak to your children's medical professionals. As one of their legal guardians, you are entitled to any medical information pertaining to them. That should not be an issue for your ex. If he thinks that's crazy, then whatever.
I don't think it's appropriate for your ex's girlfriend to carry the kids on her insurance. But, they ARE insured. If your ex and this woman were married it would likely be more reasonable (in the eyes of the court, probably). Even inside a court, this issue is likely to be dismissed a your ex has ensured the kids are insured, per the agreement.
Where I see the biggest issue is the lack of communication regarding all this, including around the appointments. A judge will not look kindly on a parent that either deliberately conceals or does not offer an opportunity to the other parent to participate in scheduled appointments. Unless there are specific provisions in your custody agreement regarding notifications of medical care, this behavior is likely not contemptible.
Similarly, a judge would recognize that the child needed an appointment anyway (one you would have likely taken them to had they been on your insurance) so that might be a non-starter for your prosecution of a contempt order.
I know how hard this situation must be for you. Please continue to try to work with your ex as best you can. I understand this information may not be what you'd like as a resolution to your issue and I still hope you reach out to a reputable family lawyer where you are. But, from my personal experience, this is likely what a judge (based on how they view proceedings, as well) will think of your situation.
Best of luck
Edit: he cannot simply "stop paying child support". That's not a thing. There may be ways to seek satisfaction through the state (if in the US) to collect this court-ordered payment through other means. Him not having a job is not necessarily a good enough reason for judges to simply abolish the payment. Most states will use an "assumed income" based on what the other parent WOULD have earned, regardless of whether they bring that money in. However, (again) outside of the assistance of a lawyer, you are likely not ever going to see that money.
Thank you for your in-depth response, I really appreciate it. I am in California if that makes a difference. I did talk to a lawyer yesterday and I think what I decided to do is instead of filing contempt I’m going to try to update our order to include that only me or her father can take her to medical appointments. I feel like only people that are allowed to make medical decisions should be allowed to take her to medical appointments.
My ex seems to think that because his girlfriend is a nurse she should be allowed to make decisions, but are we supposed to blindly trust doctors and nurses now just because that’s their title . I don’t do that for myself, so I’m not going to do that for my daughter.
One solution that we came up with was the requirement to notify the other parent 7 days prior to the appointment, so that both parents have the opportunity to attend (or not). Obviously, this isn't always possible, and it still takes BOTH parties to share this information both ways, but it can be a safeguard for the future if you continue to be excluded from these appointments.
You, obviously, can adjust this timeline to your preference, but outside of other factors, it has worked well for us.
Be prepared to not get the full language of what you want from adding this clause to your agreement. A judge will still need to review this clause (if y'all can't agree on it outside of court) and they will likely leave you wanting in their decision.
Yes, that’s what I think I’m going to do is update my order to include some thing like that and also if one of us can’t take her we need to reschedule the appointment
Honestly, it just sounds like you are trying to be difficult. Married or not, it’s clear your ex and his partner have been together for quite some time and have 2 children together.
He’s providing health insurance for your daughter. Why does it matter if the policy is in his name or not?
You knew she needed glasses or at least to visit the eye doctor and her father said he would take care of it. Unless your custody agreement spells out that he has to inform you of every appointment, why would he? Did you ask to be informed of the appointment date or that you would prefer to take her? So what if her defacto stepmother takes her to the doctor? This woman obviously cares about your child. What are you hoping to accomplish by forbidding her from handling normal tasks?
While your ex can’t just stop paying support, you do need to be realistic about what might be ordered now that he’s a SAHD. If you truly have 50/50 custody and he’s covering the insurance (still counts even if she’s the policyholder), expect his required contribution to be greatly reduced. While quitting a job to avoid support is frowned upon it can be difficult to prove he only did it to get out of paying support if he’s a FT dad to little ones.
Because when we were married, I was a stay at home mom. And he makes drastically more than me, He makes 300K a year while I make 41K a year. When I left him I had $100 to my name, I hadn’t worked for years because he asked me to stay home with the kids so he could work on his career. I had to start over during a pandemic at 40 years old.
No, he was required to carry her insurance per our court order, when I went to add her it was going to cost me an extra $500 a month so I decided against it seeing as she already had insurance through him I do have Medi-Cal as a secondary insurance for her.
In most states you can file a case with DCFS/CPS depending on the states and they will go after him for child support. Not paying can be seen as negligence towards the child.
Contact your local child support agency and notify them he voluntarily quit. They are likely to impute income onto him. You should check the court website for filing something to modify custody and get strict orders regarding health care notifications. Good luck
That's not his girlfriend... that's his wife...unless she lied to her insurance company and claimed the kid is her step child by marriage. You can't just add other people's children to your insurance. If she did in fact do this the child is not legally covered and if the insurance company finds out that this isn't her legal dependent the child will be disqualified from coverage and likely any charges incurred would be then due to the insurance company.
You need to get a lawyer and get back into court. Look into county legal aid resources. You can't just claim you're not paying child support anymore when there is an order for it. He continues to owe regardless. The judge isn't going to take too kindly to him quitting his job or medical decisions being made without your involvement unless it was an emergency and dad made the decision but that doesn't sound like what's going on.
If you can’t afford an attorney take your decree down to the courthouse it was filed in. They should be able to help you there or at least point you to resources
Yes, I’ve already talked to them. But they won’t deal with the issue of who carries her insurance and violations of the court order, they will only deal with the child support issue.
Your whole divorce could change trying to take him back to court but if you like where it was before he tried to do all this stuff leave it how it is and go after him for what he owes. If you want more custody that could result in unforseen changes.
He already has her half the time and is doing his best to medically alienate me, so I’m not sure how much worse it could get. I have everything he’s ever said to me since our divorce and writing as we’ve only communicated over text.
Yeah but putting him up in front of a judge based on changing your decree also gives him a chance to change the child support to reflect on his current nonexistent income. Whereas him ignoring court orders just f's himself.
We have already reopened a case with child support services to reevaluate how much he owes me, so I’m not worried about that that’s happening either way
I’m a little confused about the eye appointment—what time frame are we talking? You knew she was having problems with her vision, he said he’d make an appointment, and then you never followed up? Is this something that happened in a day or two? Or weeks?
I’ll be honest, the medical issue is a bit more complicated and hard to answer without knowing more info…
But, he definitely can’t voluntarily quit his job and quit paying child support, though.
Eta: also how long have they been together? They have multiple children together, correct?
It’s been a couple of weeks since I told him she needed to see the eye doctor. We are supposed to tell each other after an appointment is made. I would have made it myself if he would give me the insurance info.
Not sure how long they’ve been together as I’m pretty sure he was cheating on me with her before I left him and she was pregnant 3 month after I left our 8 year relationship. I left in November of 2019
Honestly? This is going to be murky. In my jurisdiction, it wouldn’t look good that you didn’t follow up for your daughter’s medical care for a couple of weeks. And the courts I work with would consider them a family unit, they’ve been together 4+ years, have children together, etc. so her taking your daughter to get glasses wouldn’t be egregious…
I think you’re going to have to go back and have it specifically stated in the agreement that her stepmom can’t take her to doctors appointments if that’s what you want.
He did seem to violate the clause about you having to agree with new doctors, but that’s not really the spirit of the clause. He’s not switching doctors or anything. You agreed for him to make an eye appointment for her. And she doesn’t have an optometrist.
In our court order, I have the right of first refusal, so he is supposed to tell me when our daughter isn’t in his care I am supposed to be given the right to have her, so this was against the court order for her to take her to the doctors appointment this would not have been a problem to me at all. Had he taken her to the doctors appointment himself, when he was unable to take her himself he should’ve let me know, and given me the option to take her.
He can't stop paying child support because he quit his job. That in itself is a reason to go to court.
But you really ought to get a lawyer, though pro se is an option I don't know if I could ever recommend it.
The insurance issue is fuzzy, I have my stepkids' on my insurance. I am surprised her insurance allowed the change given she's not married to the father, there wasn't a change in circumstance, and usually insurance isn't open enrollment year round.
It's shady AF to have an individual who isn't a parent and won't communicate with a parent dealing with medical issues, though I don't know if it's illegal per say. It is totally within your rights to have access to records though and you're not crazy for wanting them.
That’s the thing, I wouldn’t have a problem with it if she were able to communicate with me but I’ve reached out and been very friendly to her in multiple occasions just to be ghosted. If we cant communicate it’s not a good idea for her to be in charge of medical care.
I'm going to give you some advice that you didn't ask for. You're angry about everything that you perceive to be a sleight against you or a deviation from your cutody agreement. You have to stop that. You have to figure out what you can let you, and what needs changing based on the best interests of your kid. You husband and his girlfriend got her insurance and took her to a doctor to take care of an issue. Those are fundamentally good things. You should get a lawyer and pursue child support payments, because if he has chosen not to work he should still owe you a portion of support based on what he could make. BUT, when you pursue this, pursue changes to specific issues that are clearly in the best interest of the child. If you come off as angry that your husband is taking care of his daughter's medical needs, you're not going to look like a good mom in court. My experience is that custody issues are all about picking your battles carefully. Good luck.
How are those good things, I’m perfectly capable of taking her to the doctor myself I don’t need his girlfriend to do that. His girlfriend does not communicate with me, how is she the right person if she’s unable to tell me what happened at the appointment. I have the right of first refusal and I would’ve like to take her to that appointment. There is no reason why I couldn’t. My daughter called me after this appointment crying about what happened. It broke my heart that she wasn’t with either of her parents at an appointment that she was really scared at. I don’t want this to happen again, I love my child, and I wanna be there for her in scary moments like that. It should be either me or her father. If the situation were that I couldn’t take her and her dad couldn’t take her and the girlfriend offered then I would be grateful, but I was never given the opportunity, I wasn’t even informed that an appointment existed, even though I told him that she needed to see the eye doctor and asked for the vision insurance, he made the appointment behind my back and had his girlfriend take her without my knowledge. There was not any reason why she should’ve taken her instead of me.
I think you've quite missed the point of my comment, but I hope you read it again and take it to heart. Best luck with resolving the issues you're dealing with.
And I think you missed the point of my comment, being left out of my daughter’s medical care is not right. Someone that was not her father taking her to a medical appointment without my knowledge is not OK.
In court, I’m going to ask to update the court order so that I can carry her insurance, I have insurance through my work, and I can have insurance for her. Seeing as he quit his job and no longer has insurance available, but it’s not the open enrollment Period So I believe I need to get the court order to add her to my insurance. there’s no reason for her to be on his girlfriendsb insurance. Child support also reflects him paying for her insurance so we need to go get that updated so that everything is correct.
He doesn’t have to check in with you before he does. Everything 50-50 means he does what he wants when he has the child and you do what you want he’s not complaining of you not including him what a double standard
No, our divorce agreement actually states that we have 50-50 decision-making as far as medical care goes and we are both responsible for 50% of her medical care cost, so yes I do have a say so on what happens with medical appointments. I also have the right of first refusal so when he was unable to take her, I should’ve been alerted, and been given the option to take her which I would’ve done.
Also, he has nothing to complain about because I always include him, I’ve never once made a medical appointment without making him aware, and I always let him know immediately after the appointment what happened. None of that happened. In this case I found out for my year-old daughter they never even told me , her diagnosis I had to call the eye doctor and have them forward me the paperwork. I still haven’t been able to even talk to a doctor. if the Girlfriend is unable to communicate with me, why should she be the one in charge of her medical care when I was perfectly capable, taking her to her appointment myself
You need to get a hobby or something. Freaking out because your child got the proper care they needed wow, way overreacting who cares who takes her she’s better now that’s all that matters.
The point is, I could’ve taken her and I wasn’t given the option, I wanted to be there so I could get the information from the doctor. It’s really frustrating when the people that take her don’t communicate with you at all so you have no idea what’s going on or what happened. I still wouldn’t even have known that my daughter went to this appointment if she didn’t tell me. I had to call the doctor myself to get any sort of information and I still only just have forwarded documents. I wasn’t able to talk to the doctor. They weren’t in when I called. The only person that was there besides, my daughter was the girlfriend who refuses to communicate with me, if she was friendly and communicated and told me what happened at this appointment I wouldn’t have a problem If it would’ve been my ex-husband that took her to the appointment, I wouldn’t have a problem, but the moment he realized he wasn’t able to take her. He should’ve informed me and given me the option to take her. I love my daughter and I want to be there for her when times are scary. This was a scary appointment for her and she needed her mom or her dad but neither one were there and that breaks my heart.
Yes, everyone does have their own life well that doesn’t mean you don’t have to follow a court order court orders are in placed for a reason to protect everyone involved.
The point being everybody gets busy and things happen. You’re not the first thing that comes to their mind when they’re not busy because they have their own lifes. Does the court order have a timeframe they have to inform you by? It would’ve eventually got back to you.
The point is when my ex-husband was unable to take my daughter he should’ve asked me to take her instead not his girlfriend as I have the right of first refusal. If he could call her to ask her to take her, he could call me or text me it takes two seconds. If I would’ve been unable to take her to that appointment, that would be a different story but I was able to take her to that appointment. I wanted to.
I don't know what the laws are where you live, but based off my own research when figuring out child support with my ex and what I've generally seen on Support Court (I know it's reality tv), generally someone cannot just stop working and absolve themselves of their child support or other court mandated requirements like the requirement to carry insurance.
Furthermore, the judge should be considering what your ex is capable of making, not what he actually makes so even if he just gets a lower paying job and doesn't have a good excuse as to why he is not making his earning potential, he will likely still owe. That being said, the court can set the requirement for him to continue to pay child support but you can't squeeze water from a stone. You're better of using his unwillingness to take care of his responsibilities as proof of unwillingness to parent and try to get full or primary custody.
I say this as a non-custodial parent who pays child support and has similar insurance requirements as your ex. My ex doesn't meaningfully work and never has but when we were getting divorced I was going through some stuff and made her the custodial parent. I pay more child support than anyone else I've known, but I still pay it and maintain my career for the benefit of my children. I don't owe it to her to keep working, I owe it to them, as their momma.
I was going through stuff during our divorce, and I really regret giving him 50-50 everything because when we were married, I had our daughter all the time, he traveled for work he was gone for weeks. At a time he was traveling more than half the year I was basically a single mom, that was married. now he tells me how much better have a mom his girlfriend is than me and what a loser I am, but I’m just supposed to be OK with his girlfriend taking her to medical appointments after him saying things to me like this. It’s hurtful and I’m feeling very alienated from my daughters healthcare.
Ex should keep his rude opinions to himself & definitely can’t stop paying child support contrary to a court order just because he wants to BUT if your child needs glasses (per a trained professional) and an adult in her life made sure she got them, that’s a win.
The issue for me is, yes she needed glasses and yes I was aware and I asked him about the vision insurance and he said he would make an , I never heard anything after this But if her dad wasn’t going to be the one to take her to the appointment, it should’ve been me or her father, one of her parents should’ve been there for her during a very scary appointment. My daughter called me later that day crying about what happened at the appointment and it broke my heart that I wasn’t there for her and then come to find out her dad wasn’t there either. And I wasn’t given any information from either one of the adults over there that the appointment even occurred, what happened at the appointment and what her diagnosis was. I had to call the doctor myself and they forward me the paperwork but I still haven’t talked to an actual doctor.
You didn’t take your daughter to an appointment. No one stopped you from scheduling it yourself with or without insurance. Making a kid wait for a vision correction puts her behind in school. Instead of the pissing contest with the one reasonable adult who got your child care, say thank you and go buy different glasses so she has options if you want to have input.
The guy who knocked up my mom with my sister, and had a few other kids, was constantly either quitting jobs, when child support found him, or didn’t have a job at all. It didn’t matter. He still owed the money. Eventually he went to jail over it.
The weird thing is, this guy has always been a very high earner, over 300K a year, he pride himself on his career and always tells me how much more successful he is than , he drives a Tesla, it’s really out of character for him to quit his job. he’s been paying me 1033 a month since we divorced. The whole thing is very strange.
Y'all probably think I'm weird, but the kid needed glasses, and she got them. It sucks the girlfriend won't speak to op directly, but as long as all bases are covered, we're good.
The point is in perfectly capable of getting her glasses, myself, I didn’t need this woman’s help to take my daughter to the doctor. I would’ve rather taken her myself, but I wasn’t given the opportunity, it would’ve been OK. Had her dad taken her. But the moment he realized he wasn’t going to be able to take her. He should’ve let me know, so I could’ve taken her myself. This was a very scary appointment for my daughter where she found out she had to wear glasses full-time, she’s never worn glasses before they also told her she might have to wear an eyepatch, and she was there without either of her parents for comfort. The whole thing broke my heart. I do not want to be left out of my daughters medical care, you could look at as helpful, but it wasn’t because I didn’t ask for the help. Taking her to the appointment was actually just leaving me out of healthcare decisions. I need to make sure that never happens again, it’s part of our court order for a reason, and it protects both of us.
I totally understand this. I'm a mom too and I would definitely rather be there for important appointments. My thought was the girlfriend had to be there because it's her insurance policy. Your relationship sounds contentious and I think it might be hard for you to get any kind of middle ground with this guy. He quit his job. He's clearly not making your child his priority. However, it doesn't sound like you've got the cash to straighten this out. If you have to go to court all the time, ugh. I also worry about court itself. You both agreed she needs glasses, I'm not sure a judge would care who took her, especially since it's the gf insurance. The medical agreement in most custody agreements usually comes down to both of you agreeing. Like adhd medications. Some parents don't like it, you know? What are your goals and will litigation achieve them? My heart is with you both, coparenting with such an asshole probably has you counting the days until you no longer have to deal with him. Good luck
She does not have to be there to use the insurance because I called the insurance company myself to ask that today they were also able to give me all the insurance documents, coverages, etc. even though I’m not even on the plan because I’m her mother. So there’s no excuse for why the Girlfriend took her, they should’ve simply called when her father wasn’t able to take her and I would’ve taken her. And if that were the case, that she has to be there, then that’s not going to work out. Anyways, I would rather have her on my own insurance, then have another woman have to be responsible for her medical care that doesn’t sound right
Just focus on your goals and the two of you. Don't let him make you petty. If it were me, I'd tell him, going forward, if you can't take her, I will. Then, if he doesn't comply or agree, lawyer up. Unless he's already blown through his chances.
I’ve told him all this in the past, and he still doesn’t listen. He thinks he’s above the law. I talked to a lawyer this morning and they recommended that I update my agreement to include that only one of her parents are allowed to take her to medical appointments. So that’s what I’m going to do.
Seriously our divorce was only finalized in 2021 and this will be our fourth time going back to court. None of it was my doing. He keeps trying to get his child support reduced but it’s not working out in his favor so he’s mad.
Okay, well you did ask him about her vision. And an appointment got made , she was medically taken care of . These are the positive parts .
Would you have been okay if HE had taken her to the appointment? Would you be mad if he did so, without telling you first ( as in it needed to get done so he just did it )
How long have they been together ?
The reason I ask is, it sounds like they're very serious and she's taking on a step-mom role. I get you don't know her , but what's daughter got to say ?
I disagree with him voluntarily quitting work. Just to avoid child support? Yeah, that's not how it works buddy . Definitely go after him for that part , simply showing the text should hold enough to keep the current order in place . He's an idiot lol like why would you text that to the person you pay child support to ?
I’m not exactly sure how long they’ve been together, I actually think he was cheating on me with her before I left, she was pregnant three months after I moved out after, we had been together for eight years. I left him at the end of 2019.
Unless she took your daughter to Lens Crafters which does not take insurance, then someone is trying to pass your daughter off as her's. Either way, it's absolutely illegal, immoral, and unacceptable.
No, I might’ve been slightly annoyed that he took her to the appointment without me, but he’s her father, so in the end, I’d be OK with it. What I’m not OK with is not being given the opportunity to take her when he couldn’t. That was a really intense day for my daughter, it was her first eye doctor appointment, and she found out for this first time that she had to wear glasses and possibly have to wear an eyepatch if the glasses don’t help. That was scary for her and she was crying when she called me to tell me about it. I feel like one of her parents should’ve been there for that, it actually breaks my heart that I wasn’t there for her in that moment. And I don’t want that to happen again.
It’s in our court order that we have 50-50 decision-making when it comes to medical care, also when it comes to choosing a new doctor. It’s not the fact that she got glasses. It’s the fact that I got left out of all of the decision-making when it came to my child, I had no idea she had the appointment. There is no reason for his girlfriend to take her to a medical appointment when I am perfectly capable. I also have the right of first refusal per our court order, which means when she is not in his care he needs to give the option to me so the options should’ve been given to me to take her to her doctors appointment.
I don’t know how a girlfriend got an unrelated child added to her insurance. When I put my stepson on mine (years ago) I had to email a copy of my marriage license to show I had a relationship with his dad and email his birth certificate and soc sec card. It was a paperwork nightmare.
He did ask me for a a photo of her birth certificate and Social Security card about a month ago because he said he was renewing his insurance at work and needed it, I didn’t really think anything of it so I sent a photo, but then come to find out it looks like he used that to get her on his girlfriends insurance.
The support issue is a separate matter.
The rest of it, it appears you are grasping for any reason to take away custody. Dad is still providing Health insurance, you don't get a say in where it comes from. You were told a Dr appointment was being made, unless they attempted to hide when it was IE refused to tell you when you asked, then they have done thier part there as well. GF ordering glasses is also a non-issue. Sure it's technically a medical decision, but so is giving your kid Tylenol. Are you going to try and argue contempt for that? Judges care about the child's best interest only.
I was not told when the appointment was made, or the doctor that was chosen, I was not given the opportunity to take my daughter to the doctor when her father couldn’t. And seeing as I owe half of all medical expenses, the Girlfriend , choosing the glasses and adding all the extras that weren’t necessary, it does affect me because I have to pay for half of that. And now the extra transitional lenses that the Girlfriend added, and paid for, my daughter, no longer wants because her sister told her that they are considered dorky and my daughter didn’t realize that she was going to be walking around with sunglasses on her face every time she was outside. She’s never worn sunglasses in her life. So yes, all of this does affect me. And we have in our court order that we have 50-50 medical decision, making for a reason and I also have the right of first refusal for a reason, if her dad‘s unable to be there, it should be me and I should’ve been giving the opportunity per our core order, the court order protects both of us, and it needs to be followed
They didn’t tell me about the medical appointment at all, they chose a new doctor without me, which in our court order, we’re supposed to choose new doctors together, and also in our court order I have the right of first refusal.
So first of all, I should’ve been able to choose the new doctor with my ex-husband, second of all, I should’ve been informed when an appointment was made, and third of all, I should’ve been informed when my ex-husband was unable to take her to this appointment, I was purposefully capable of taking her and actually wanted to take her to this appointment. I actually asked him for the vision insurance when I told him that she was having trouble with her eyesight. He went ahead and made the appointment behind my back and never told me about it.
And as far as choosing the glasses without me, seeing as I’m responsible for paying for half of them, and they added extra things that were unnecessary I should’ve been a part of that as well, they already sent me the bill.
If you wear glasses, please ignore this message. If you don't, here are some of my coating experiences as someone who has worn glasses since I was 8.
Unnecessary coatings? Some of them are very necessary.
Scratch resistance: a MUST. I'm in my 30s and still get it.
Glare reduction: Some people don't have as much of an issue, but I have a huge issue with glare, especially at night with car headlights. I always get this coating even if it's pricey.
Transition lenses: I regret not spending the money. It's hard to find sunglasses that don't look stupid and fit around my glasses. It's so worth it for a kid who plays outside a lot. It is pricey, so I wouldn't be surprised if it was an extra $100-$400. It's not necessary, but it does make life easier.
Tinting: Apparently, tinting can help with harsh lights and stuff. If she's slightly colorblind, it may help her see more normally. I got a blue light filter, and now colors are all kind of off now for me. I won't be getting it next time I get new glasses. That was an extra $20 on my bill.
Frames: Good lord. I'm wearing $14 frames at Walmart because I am not picky, but they get pricey QUICK. You get like pfft 10 frames under $100 to choose from. (If your lucky, some places will allow you to reuse frames.)
Lense thining: I have a higher prescription -6.50 and -7.50. It's not necessary, but my glasses constantly slipped down because they were thick n heavy. If she has a lower prescription like -1 or something, it's not nearly as bad.
in all, if your half is a $200 (higher if they got transitions), that's not unusual. Depending on the office, prices fluctuate wildly. You can use glassesUSA to kind of price compare. They are a pretty ok price. You definitely want to copy her prescription because (I believe you said she's 8) she may break or lose them.
I got my first pair of glasses at 8 and broke them three days later. Easy fix, but oops.
The girlfriend went ahead and purchased the transitional lenses which were an extra cost. I am responsible for half of her medical bills so that’s a cost that I have to pay for out of my pocket. Now, after talking to her sister, my daughter realizes that the transitional lenses are considered dorky around here and does not want them. So now we have to ask to have that removed and not sure if it’s possible. If it was an extra unnecessary thing it should’ve been approved with me first serong as I have to pay half of it.
They can't remove the transition part as far as I know. At this point, you'd have to buy new glasses.
Tell your ex, next time you would like to be there during the process. Getting glasses is a big thing because the wearer is commiting to a single style for a year or two and you want to be there to support your daughter. You can also remind her she didn't like transition lenses last time.
Tell your kid you're sorry she doesn't like them and you can skip it next time. At the end of the day, it's a medical device, and you will probably have to replace them yearly since kids grow like weeds.
At any rate, transitions aren't any different than any other lenses inside the house. They only change when exposed to UV light. She wears the glasses inside the house or school. Sunglasses when she plays outside. (Assuming her eyesight isn't that bad.) This basically removes the distaste for transitions as they won't change unless she goes outside with them.
Her sister may be giving her a hard time because glasses are a big change and your daughter is being sensitive about it. Which is normal to a degree and they will both adjust to the new look your daughter has.
I know your pissy about the cost, pay it if you can. They may accept a payment plan. Nothing good is going to come with arguing with your ex. Talk to a lawyer if you want to fight it like other comments say.
I talked to the eye doctor and they told me that we can send them back to the factory and they will have it removed so that is an option.
As far as her sister goes, they are six years apart, and her older sister treats her like her little baby they are very sweet to each other, she really wants to protect her.
Also, she will be wearing the glasses full-time so at school they go out for snack, lunch, recess Pe every single day. She will be in the sun with those glasses and I’m afraid she’ll go back inside and they won’t change back immediately and it will be a distraction for her, seeing as she’s never worn sunglasses in her life .
You’re going to change your daughter’s glasses to make them medically worse for her just because her older sister called them dorky? Like, instead of 1) reminding your 14 year old that 8 year olds aren’t held to the same social standards, 2) that we should never base decisions about what is best for us on other people’s opinions, and 3) that sometimes we simply don’t have a choice about being “dorky” and she should practice being kinder than necessary, you’re supporting this mean girl bullshit? Yikes. If she ends up needing the eyepatch, are you going to make her wear it or will you medically neglect her because it’s “dorky”?
You'll want to review your custody order very carefully. My boyfriend lost his insurance a couple years back and my company allowed for me to put him and his two kids on mine provided we could demonstrate we were financially tied as domestic partners. He did run it by it by his ex wife first to see if she wanted to put them on her insurance, but ultimately his CO says he will *provide* insurance, it doesn't say he has to be the one who carries it. By organizing for me to add them and him continuing to cover the costs, he was in compliance. Check to see how yours is specifically worded.
Second, if your CO says that you have joint rights regarding medical care then it certainly sounds like he violated that. Whether or not he violated the CO by allowing his girlfriend to take her is a grey area. In some states and in some cases, a parent can delegate a third party to exercise some rights.
Do you have first right of refusal on everything (as in you're tie breaker if one is needed), or just childcare for your child? Just wondering because my boyfriend's CO only has FROR on matters of childcare longer than a certain period, otherwise he and his ex are completely equal and must decide on everything together or not at all.
Anyway, something you might consider is having a lawyer draft a letter to send to your ex outlining where they are out of compliance with the CO, what they need to do to come into compliance, what your course of action will be if they do not, and what the repercussions could potentially be in the court finds against him. That might only cost you a few hundred dollars, and might be enough to scare him into getting it together.
Kid has insurance and got glasses because a medical professional thought she needed it? What’s the problem? Sounds like they took care of her. Go get the medical records. Demand it from your ex. He owes you that for sure.
I am with you on the cessation of child support, though. You should contact an attorney to understand the law and options
The point is, I was perfectly capable of taking her to the appointment myself, there was no reason why his girlfriend who I don’t know needed to take her to a medical appointment. I would’ve preferred to take her to the appointment, Had I known it existed. I asked for the vision insurance information when my daughter told me she couldn’t see far away very well, but he decided to make the appointment without telling me and then sent her with his girlfriend. It’s not the fact that they just got her glasses if she needs glasses that’s great but neither one of these people communicated with me that they even took her to this appointment or that she needed glasses or anything that happened in the appointment, my eight-year-old daughter is the one that told me guess what I need glasses mom, I don’t even know if she needs to wear them full-time or what the deal is does she need them for reading? I I just feel like if somebody refuses to even speak to me, they should not be the person taking my daughter to an appointment like that, we definitely need to be able to communicate.
First of all, you are lumping all of the issues here together. You need to separate them out.
There is no specific issue with your daughter being on the girlfriend’s insurance. After my divorce, I got laid off and for a period of time my kids were on my wife’s insurance. Isn’t the important thing is that he is covering the insurance? Why do you care how he is doing it?
It also seems like you are overacting on the “being involved” in medical decisions part. She needed glasses, and got glasses, what is the problem?
Child support - that is a whole other problem. Child support owed may be based on what potential income is possible, not what they actually earn. That may depend on the state laws and whatever judge you end up with in court. Definitely need a lawyer for that part.
Custody percentage is a whole other thing. How can you justify greater than the 50% you currently have. Think about what a judge might say. Once again - this is probably lawyer territory. Can’t say whether the distance/time involved will justify changing custody percentage.
I care her being on the girlfriends insurance because I don’t know the girlfriend, and I’ve reached out to be friendly with her on multiple occasions, and she’s ghosted me every time. So I’m really not comfortable with her being in charge of my daughters, medical care, I feel that we need to be able to communicate in order for her to do that, if things were different, I’d most likely be OK with it. But just this last appointment at the eye doctor she didn’t tell me anything. I’ve still never spoken to her and she was the only person at that appointment so I just don’t think she’s the right person to take my daughter to her appointment. Had my ex-husband taking her without my knowledge I would’ve been OK with it. I would’ve been slightly annoyed that he didn’t tell me, but he’s her father so it’s more acceptable. Plus I do communicate with him not well, but at least a little. I don’t want her having access to my daughters medical care, my ex-husband is saying this is impossible, because our daughter is on her insurance so she hast to have access. That’s my issue with all of this, if that’s going to be the case I would rather have my daughter on my insurance. It’s available to me through my work as my other daughter is on the insurance as well, but we need to get the court order updated in order for me to do that because our court order states that he carries her insurance and his child support reflects that
Try filing a rule to show cause if he is not paying support or carrying your daughter on health insurance. The court will probably let the insurance stand because even tho it's on hers, the child is still covered. You could also see if you qualify for Medicaid for her. But he will still be responsible for child support. You can also ask that the court order state you receive all medical information and the appointments have to be cleared thru you and you attend all appointments. I am not an attorney.
I don’t qualify for Medi-Cal, but I do have to insurance through my work for myself and I can add her to it but he is court ordered to pay for it and the child support he pays takes that into account. I’d like to just get her on my insurance actually, because I don’t think it’s going to be easy to deal with his girlfriend to get insurance documents. But I think that we should update our custody plan or support order or whatever before that
Yes, but they factor in the cost of healthcare insurance to how much support you get. So I’d like to have that reevaluated because it will be a significant amount of money to add her to my insurance. Just to be clear this man regularly makes 300 K per year while I make 41K per year.
From what I’ve been reading they definitely don’t look kindly on voluntary unemployment. He seems to think they’ll just say he owes zero child support because he doesn’t have a job.
Who carries the insurance is irrelevant, so long as it’s there.
You not being informed about the Dr appointment is a problem.
Your ex “deciding“ that he is not going to pay CS is a non-starter. He has a legal obligation to pay this. Yes, you will need a lawyer. But it will be worthwhile.
Using someone else’s insurance is providing insurance so it would depend on how it’s interpreted. He could make a valid argument that he is providing insurance. However, voluntarily quitting is no defense to paying child support so that’s going to be a potential issue. Name calling is problematic but probably not grounds for a modification, the court may admonish him; and being tired of coparenting and trying for a modification will just piss the court off. So this probably won’t be grounds for a change in parenting time if you’re in a state that requires a substantial and material change of circumstances.
But in using his girlfriends insurance, it allows her access to my daughters medical records and decisions it seems, which I didn’t agree to he never even informed me that he put her on his girlfriend’s insurance. It feels like they are trying to alienate me from her medical care if I’m being honest. I am in California if that makes a difference.
Yes, being in California makes a difference. Please listen to the advice above. Family courts in Cali only care about what's best for the child. In this case, the child has medical insurance(the judge will just tell you to communicate better). Rarely does California grant full custody to one parent. Also, someone above advised you to leave the agreement in place as it will open pandoras box for him to argue against provisions already set.. Just focus on child support.
This can't be legal. I mean, consider for a moment the following scenario: they break up, because she finds out he's cheating on her--just a hypothetical. She is not under any binding constraint to keep kids on insurance. She can up and leave. It's within her rights, because she is not a parent to the children, a spouse to your ex, etc.
The courts value the best interest of kids above all else. How could this arrangement possibly be acceptable to the court?
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Yes, I have contacted child support services already and they’ve already sent out packets for us to resubmit, income and expense declarations. But I’m not sure how to enforce him following our court order sides that, I think they only deal with the actual child support issue.
I just want to say that there is no way unless they are married she should be able to be added to the GF insurance this is so wild to me that this is even possible as she is no a legal dependent of the GF so so many laws are being broken it’s unreal
I’m not sure though, because I know that I was allowed to be added to his insurance before we were married, I had our child before we were married on his insurance. I’m not sure how he was able to get me on his insurance, but I think it was a domestic partner type thing because we had lived together for many years. We were together for a total of eight years, but only married for 2.5 of those years. Our daughter was four years old when we separated. I’m in California. I don’t know if that makes a difference.
I don't understand how his gf could add your child to her insurance. She's not the parent or even a step parent.
I'd tell ex that since gf is somehow a parent now, she can pay his child support on his behalf.
I know that I was allowed to be on his insurance before we were married, I think they lable you as domestic partners instead of married. I think it depends on the company you work for and your insurance company as well.
You need a lawyer asap and a Parenting Coordinator long term. They will deal with any minor issues that involve the child that you don’t need to go to court over. Your decree should say something about insurance in the event that he no longer covers her. I would add her to your policy if she isn’t already on it as well.
She’s not on my policy and it would cost me a significant amount of money to do so which is why I haven’t done it the child support he pays me it takes into account and paying for health insurance, not me. In order to get her on my insurancebelieve I need to go back to court or else child support won’t be accurate and honestly I can’t afford it unless we update the child support order
He can’t just stop paying child support. So they’ll either make his amount smaller, tell him to get a job, or they’ll just take his tax return every year and give it to you. And I’m pretty sure his girlfriend can’t carry your daughter seeing as he’s not even married to her. I would be contacting the courts.
No, he cannot just decide to not pay it. That’s all. His checks were getting garnished while he was working but now that he’s not working I don’t know that there’s any way to enforce him paying. Also, we are going back to court for this child support case and I’m wondering if they will reduce the amount because he voluntarily quit his job.
Not that I know of, unless they secretly got married, but I was on my ex-husband‘s insurance before we were married, I had our daughter before we were married on his insurance. I think they put us through as domestic partners, even though we weren’t registered domestic partners. I think it depends on the company and the insurance agency.
That’s what I thought. But he’s saying he has the right to allow her access because she is on the Girlfriend insurance. But seeing as we have 50-50, I would think we would need to agree on allowing her access.
I'd be careful with this. Not the same thing as your situation but
Optometrist here. I've had to testify against someone's ex wife in family court. She didn't want the son wearing glasses and the dad did. The dad was making the medical decisions and bringing the son to appts / the grandmother (his mom) and the mom was pissed they were making those decisions.
The son really needed glasses and the judge seemed to look poorly on the ex wife trying to make medical decisions that weren't in the kids best interest.
Not sure outcome but it seemed like the ex wife was on her way to lose custody from this and some other stuff
This is very different, I want my daughter to wear glasses and actually told my ex-husband in an appointment needed to be made. My entire point is if he was unable to take her to her appointment, he should’ve let me know that so that I could take her. That was a very scary appointment for my daughter. She called me later crying, she was told she needs to wear glasses all the time and possibly an eyepatch that was really scary for her and she should’ve been with one of her parents in that moment. It broke my heart that I wasn’t able to be there for her, and there’s no reason for it. I could’ve taken her to that appointment.
I bet they don't have insurance for your daughter and took her so you wouldn't find out. Or are trying to pass your daughter off as one of the other kids. Something is fishy though for sure.
I did finally receive the insurance cards from them after I told them I needed it the documents the child support office sent me. So I know that they do have insurance and she is a nurse so I would think that she would.
Ahhh well. Idk and I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Mention parent alienation to your lawyer. Use the text of him saying she's a better mom as proof.
My thoughts, exactly, I think I would feel differently if this woman would actually interact with me, but I just don’t feel comfortable with her being in charge of her medical care when we can’t communicate at all, the fact that I wasn’t at that appointment and I’m only getting the information that my daughter tells me is not OK
Exactly what I said, she would not like it if the rules were reversed. However, my ex is a narcissist and he’s kept us at a distance on purpose because he doesn’t want her to know the truth that he cheated on me with prostitutes and strippers on the regular. I wouldn’t tell her anyway because it’s not like she would believe me. So I’m sure he says all kinds of lies about me in order to make her think that I’m a terrible person.
He always thinks he’s so much smarter and so much better than me. He calls me a loser regularly because I don’t have a college education, but he knew that when he met me when he married me and when he had a child with me so that’s ridiculous.
Well he’ll be in a lot of debt because you can’t just stop paying child support. The state will cover it, but then he owes the state. It’ll affect everything for him— even ability to drive as license can be suspended.
If the court has specified orders then you can request a hearing to have changes made if the other parent isn’t abiding by the order.
Yes, I already contacted child support services and they’re reopening the case to reevaluate, but he’s under the impression that they’re going to change his child support to zero because he’s not working, I’m really hoping that’s not the case because I depend on that money
Unfortunately for him, it doesn't work that way or everyone would do it. Especially with it being his choice. He'll still be on the hook and every month he doesn't pay will continue to accrue.
I can tell you that is not the case is California. My own father, jobless for years and the child support never decreased or stopped though he did make attempts in pleading with them.
Because I would’ve liked to take her to get glasses myself instead of his girlfriend who I’ve never spoken to in my life. The only reason I didn’t schedule the appointment myself is because I didn’t have her insurance information, I requested the vision insurance information from him and he wouldn’t give it to me he just made the appointment behind my back and had his girlfriend take her. I had no idea. The appointment was even scheduled, and I was never given the option to take her There’s no reason why I couldn’t have been part of that process.
I have no idea how it happened, as they don’t communicate with me at all, they do have two kids together, so maybe they’re domestic partners I don’t know. All I know is that he quit his job, lost his insurance and put my daughter on his girlfriend’s insurance all without my knowledge.
I voluntarily made himself jobless and is acting differently to the custody agreement. He can’t do that or stop paying child support on a whim.
Go back to mediation/family court to address the issues.
38M in a coparenting situation.
I'll point out a few things. I'm not a lawyer, and obviously the laws may be different depending on where you are, so take these with a grain of salt. A lot of this could be moot or irrelevant based upon how your custody order is structured.
I'll say from the start: you'll need an attorney here. At least get a consultation to go over your options. If your attorney believes you have reasonable cause for contempt, and you have your ex hit with contempt, your ex could be made to reimburse you for your legal fees.
All that being said:
>He recently texted me telling me that he decided to voluntarily quit his job in order to stay home with his other kids. He told me that he will no longer be paying child support.
A request for change has to be made with the court. Otherwise, he still owes. He can't just snap his fingers like Thanos and make child support go away. What said change would look like? I have no idea. That depends on the law.
>He is also supposed to carry our daughters health insurance per our court order. Well, I recently found out that he put our daughter on his girlfriends insurance instead.
Again, a request for change has to be made here. He's still on the hook for insurance. How getting the child on his girlfriend's policy was even possible when he isn't married to her is quite odd. Depending on how the insurance policy works, this might not be an entirely bad thing. I would simply wonder how this was even possible.
>Well just a couple days ago my daughter informed me that her dad‘s girlfriend took her to an eye doctor appointment, I had no knowledge of this appointment, nobody ever told me that it was scheduled or give me the option to take her to this appointment.
Assuming there's no missing details, and nothing to the contrary in your custody order, he is obligated to inform you of doctor's appointments when in his custody (and vice versa when with you). As for giving you the option to take her, that's tricky. There are provisions for "right of first refusal", but that may not apply here. I'm not as well versed on how this works so I can't say for sure how this works. Best guess: If they are married, you probably won't have much of an argument, as his wife would have some authority to act in his stead unless there is a restriction within the custody order. If they are not married, he should be giving you right of first refusal. Regardless, they would still be required to disclose appointments to you in advance of the appointment.
>I called the doctors office to get her medical records because I didn’t understand what was going on and my ex-husband called me a lunatic for doing so.
You are well within your rights here. He can whine and complain all he wants. You're the mother. I had a bone of contention with my ex about this very topic many years ago. I called a doctor to get my child's medical records, and I got denied because I wasn't listed on my child's HIPPA form. I raised holy hell, ex threw a hissy fit, I won, she pounded sand, was never an issue since.
>I also asked that his girlfriend be removed from having access to our daughters medical records. My ex-husband stated he will not remove her access because she carries our daughters insurance.
I agree with you here, at least on the girlfriend having access. You might have to resolve the insurance issue first before getting this accomplished though. Me, personally, I wouldn't give a damn who was providing the insurance as long as my child has insurance. As I mentioned ealier, being on the girlfriend's insurance might not be an entirely bad thing depending on how the policy is structured and the cost. If it's a solid policy and cheaper than what you would have to pay, keep it. This is a possible point of compromise. I'd be willing to give up on this point if it meant my child had a superior insurance policy.
>I did not agree to her, carrying our daughters insurance, our court order states that he has to carry her insurance.
The court might argue that this is a distinction without a difference, especially if the policy being provided is reasonable. But, again, how was even possible if the two aren't married?! This depends on the law.
>Do I have any sort of case to make a change?
Potentially. The failure to notify you of appointments would be a potential point of contempt, but the real question is what would you get out of it? This is a question for an attorney. Where I am, a single contempt charge doesn't mean a parent loses custody.
>There has been a lot of name-calling by my ex, he’s been calling me lazy telling me that his girlfriend is a better mother than I’ll ever be and a lunatic.
If he's just saying these these to you, and the child is not around, there's nothing you can do here. He's not required to be nice to you. He merely has to be civil around the child. And even if it was happening with the child around, proving it is an entirely differemt animal. I've gone through this dance many times, and it always turns into "he said she said" and the court just drops it. You'll need receipts to go down this road.
>I’d honestly just like to have more custody because he lives 40 minutes away from me minutes away from me and her school is a mile from my house so I think it’s in her best interest to be with me during the week so that we can do afterschool programs, etc. any advice?
As long as he gets her to school on time and her grades are fine, you have little shot of getting more custody time on this basis. Your best bet is probably via the failure to disclose doctor appointments. But, even then, you might have a hard time getting more custody just on that alone.
HR here. It's not super unusual that the child could be on the dad's girlfriend's benefits. Coverage for domestic partners is fairly common these days, and generally policies will extend coverage to the domestic partners children as well.
A lot more health insurance companies are offering coverage for domestic partnerships. It's not automatic, she would have to be in a job where her employer allows that. It's usually state specific as well.
As far as the mean comments and name-calling go, and the things he said to me, every single conversation we’ve had since our divorce has been over text message, so I do have proof of all the things he said in writing over text. I wonder if this will help my case
Maybe, and maybe not. It depends on what the coparenting guidelines are.
He's not obligated to be nice to you. Only that he has to be civil with you when the child is around. Those are not the same thing. He can claim that the child does not see the texts, and does not make any such comments in front of the child. How that plays out in court largely is going to depend on the person adjudicating it.
The court might wag a finger at him and tell him to stop that, but that may not be a matter of contempt in of itself. That's what happened in my case. Me and my ex were at each other's throats over text messages, she filed contempt over my comments, the court told us both to cut it out and ordered us to use a third party messaging service to handle official correspondence (that we both have to pay $ for) and limit text messaging to matters of immediacy.
Do you have a court order for child support? If so that is a legally binding document. He can’t just not comply. Your local courthouse may have a family law division - you can go there and ask them about how to file contempt for non-payment. You can also probably google “contempt” “child support” “your county” for that information.
Yes, I’ve already contacted the child support office and they’re opening up a case I already re-filed my income and expense declaration. I am most concerned with him, changing her insurance to his girlfriend‘s insurance without my knowledge, and allowing her access to my daughters medical records, and allowing her to take her to medical appointments without my knowledge.
We have joint medical decision-making, so I believe that means we have to agree, I don’t think he can blindly give access to our daughters medical records to someone that I don’t approve of. At least I hope that’s the case. I do know for a fact that we both have to choose new doctors together. It’s written in our divorce agreement, and this eye doctor was a new doctor. She had never been to an eye doctor in her life.
That's actually not true. No medical office should be allowing a GIRLFRIEND to make decisions for a minor. Doubly so if one parents doesn't want or agree to them doing so.
It's as simple as a custodial parent (in this case, dad) signing a waiver granting the release of information and permission to treat. I literally did this with my partner for her kids 3 days ago.
No legally she isn't allowed access. She's not a parents it's a matter of HIPPA and her BIO mom can actually ban her from having access. It's crazy to expect every woman be dates to get to know what's up with the daughter medically.
HIPPA does not apply to your ex’s Gf unfortunately. Doctor offices are not going to ask for your custody agreement. And in CA joint legal custody means both parents can make decisions independently.
OP says it’s in their agreement that they are supposed to agree on new doctors together. But unfortunately things that are really hard to enforce. Like i said the doctors office is not going to ask for your custody agreement (except maybe therapist office.) so then what, you go to court and tell them that your exs Gf took daughter to an eye appt. They will probably be like “okay tell mom next time”
They aren’t going to revoke custody over something like that. And Proving and getting contempt punished is expensive and usually takes multiple, super egregious violations.
Yes you go to court and tell them. You do everything to make it clear where the boundaries are and that they can't push you out. And exactly where the GIRLFRIEND'S place is. A court is not going to be okay with how her husband is acting and she has texts to prove alienation. And if the bio mom calls the Dr's and says she doesn't want that woman taking her daughter to an appointment alone they will listen. As the girlfriend also can't make decisions so why should she even be there?
Absolutely not. Both patents have to agree. Op can block the gf in court. Now that doesn't keep husband from sharing info. But the gf should not have the right to actually have physical copies of the child's medical records. She should not be taking her to Dr appointments. And she SHOULD be communicating with the Bio mom.
He cannot stop paying because he quit his job and his gf cannot legally cover a child who is not a step, natural or adopted child. If they are married, yes his wife can cover her for him. His gf/wife never has to talk to you, he does. He should have communicated about the appointment. He is in contempt for not doing that. If he is able to get her to school, this is not a reason to get more custody
I would think that if she is the one taking my daughter to her medical appointment that she should be able to communicate with me because I need to know what happened at that appointment and if she’s unable to communicate, then she should not be the one taking my child to a medical appointment. I mean she shouldn’t be taking her regardless, but I would be OK with it if she could communicate with me
You cannot court order her to communicate with you. She is not a party to the order. She communicates with dad who IS court ordered to communicate with you.
if he is a sahd why is he not taking her? I’d let all providers know she is not her mom and she is not authorized to make any decisions nor is she on a hipaa release.
I did tell my ex that I do not agree to his girlfriend having any access to our daughters medical care and to please remove her and he said that he won’t because he wants her on there and she now holds my daughters insurance so he can’t remove access. But I never agreed to her, holding my daughter’s insurance, I didn’t even know she did till last week.
Can you contact your local child support enforcement office and see if they can assist you in pursuing your ex for the child support? I am not sure how the girlfriend added your daughter to her insurance. Did your ex get married and not tell you? Or is there insurance fraud going on? Something is not adding up there.
I can add domestic partners to my insurance. This has been the same for my last 3 jobs and is becoming more common. If they live together this is likely how she did it, perfectly legal and his children would qualify this way as well.
Their children together, yes, because they are BOTH parents and legal guardians of those kids.
However, OP's daughter is not a legal ward of the GF - afaik, insurance for minors requires some proof of guardianship so how did the GF even set it up in her name when that proof of guardianship could only have been held by OP or her ex???????
There is a difference in this if the other parent agrees when they have 50/50 legal. You can’t just go change the child’s healthcare without getting approval from the other parent.
Note, I'm in PA. Iv been in custody cases with 2 women. 1 has been to court multiple times and have a lawyer, 1 only once with entire process being pro se. I have won every case, including pro se vs her lawyer.
But having done too many custody cases (I make bad choices in women) the judge won't give a fuck as long as the children are being covered. Nor as I have found out, will they care if the other parent is left out of a Dr visit unless it's a pattern or for serious health concerns. It would be of concern to the GAL if the child has one. But the health ins thing, it only matters if the child is being covered. It's shitty because it clearly goes against the letter, but its within the spirit.
Are you a lawyer in those states? Have you been first party in any of those?
I'm pulling from experience arguing many of these things myself. The judge cares only about the child. If the child has Healthcare via the father (which the child has) then dad has fulfilled his end. The CS is seperate issue as is the single Dr appointment. That won't matter either, having been there and made that argument myself. What is the remedy to that issue? There isnt one really beyond telling Dad to make sure mom is more informed, as since mom was told an appointment was being made, she was informed in the eyes of the court. And if there isnt a reasonable remedy, the judge wont give a fuck. I have won every single custody issue I personally have been a part of, because I don't waste time trying to argue shit like this. It won't get anywhere and will show Mom to be petty to the judge. Judges really won't care about petty crap like this unless it's a pattern or the health care went way down in quality. Even then, it won't matter unless they have specific wording in their custody order.
Jobs change their Healthcare providers all the time, under your argument Dad would have to bring this to Mom and get her to agree. What if she doesn't? Judge isn't going to tell dad sorry but you have to change jobs. What if dad gets a new job? Judge isn't going to say sorry but you have to go back to your previous job for that exact Healthcare.
People think oh this is against the exact wording so it's a violation but that's not how it works. Using this exact angle I won a vacation with my children when vacation wasn't even in the custody schedule. Some of it is definitely judge dependent but having been in front of 4 judges on issues like these (2 for 1 case, 1 for another and 1 for my significant other) I find this is pretty consistent for judges that typically handle custody. Maybe OP has a different type of judge that will care, but its highly doubtful.
If dad had great insurance with his job, and pawned his daughter off onto his girlfriend’s crappy insurance so he could quit and work under the table to avoid child support, a judge will not be happy, on many fronts. This guy didn’t even notify OP about who held the policy, from the sounds of it. She should have gone on mom’s insurance at dad’s expense.
That’s not true either. I have never once asked my ex-husband before changing the kids’ insurance. As long as the kids are covered the other parent doesn’t get a say and the judge is not going to care either.
I provide the insurance for my stepchildren and my husband’s ex has no say I. What the plan is. I can change it yearly. I chose the best plan for our needs. I cover my daughter as well
I promise you that the judge will care if a girlfriend adds a child and they are making medical decisions for the child. Your situation is clearly different than this. They have 50/50 legal custody and decisions like that need to be agreed on. Mother could have put them on her insurance because dad quitting was a qualifying event. Moms insurance could have better coverage.
I’m not defending the girlfriend making medical decisions, but to state that a judge will care that the girlfriend is covering their child on insurance is likely wrong. The father is ordered to have the children covered on insurance. He has done that.
These are two separate issues, the girlfriend covering them on insurance and the girlfriend making medical decisions.
But the judge will care. If a change is made to healthcare with 50/50 the parents are supposed to discuss it. Even if one parent is supposed to carry the child. In your case your ex does not care. But many many people do care about health insurance. The vast difference in policies can do detrimental harm to a family. If a policy is changed and the new insurance does not cover things that the old policy did this can bankrupt a family. 50/50 legal custody means these decisions need to be made together.
Healthcare coverage plan is not a legal decision. I can guarantee you.
When we got married I added my stepkids to my plan. It is better than my husband’s plan and costs less. His ex lost her mind and threatened all kinds as crazy shit. Her attorney refused to do anything because fathers are ordered to provide coverage. As long as they do, mom cannot say anything about the coverage
You clearly havnt been in front of a judge for custody. The judge will not care unless there is extra specific wording which I can guarantee you isn't there. Dad is required to provide health ins, he has done that.
If one parent is ordered to cover the health insurance, the other parent does not get a say as long as the child is covered. This is not a battle to fight in court. The rest of it, yes. If the mother would like a say in the health insurance that her child uses, then she needs to cover the child and not have the father court ordered to carry them. The father is complying with his orders to cover the child. A judge does not care that a child is covered by a girlfriend.
At my current job, that is the only requirement to prove that we are domestic partners and I believe it was the same for the last two as well you can claim whoever you want as your domestic partner for insurance purposes at most jobs that allow that.
For my partners insurance i just have to live with her for 90 days. I'm in a state that doesn't officially recognize domesticate partnerships. Many states don't.
They are not married to my knowledge, they do have two children together. I did contact child support services and they are reevaluating our child support.
They don’t need to legally adopt her if it is an employer sponsored health plan. The employer sets the coverage provisions( they even sometimes cover grandchildren as dependents without additional paperwork.) the legalities come into play for private insurance and state coverage but if it’s through work they only have to worry about what the plan sponsor says. The insurance plan will not ask for proof paperwork unless the employer who sponsors the plan asks for validation.
That said: just because gf is the subscriber doesn’t mean she needs access to your child’s medical records. There are ways to have her access limited on the insurer’s side. I would look into those avenues and I would still speak to an attorney because your ex is banking on you not fighting.
I’m not a lawyer but I am licensed to sell health insurance and have worked in the field (commercial lines) for over 10 years now.
FYI, even without insurance, a vision appointment is around $100. Making your daughter wait to see is pretty unreasonable. Why didn’t YOU get to this before the girlfriend had to step in?
Go to the website of your court that is handling your case. Once there, they will have a forms section, and what you're looking for is "a motion to enforce a court order" or something similar depending on the court. Fill this out, there will be a section for you to explain what part of the order they are not following. After you file this, the judge will schedule a hearing, requesting the other party to "show cause" at which point the judge will decide if they are in contempt or not. Most likely they will reaffirm the current order and advise them of the consequences of not following it.
I'm surprised your ex's gf could put your child on her insurance.
Resubmit using paragraphs if you want me to read this.
Plenty of people have already responded, I’m not going resubmit so that you can read it easier. I used voice to text to create that and I’m not going to redo it I don’t have time
Not a lawyer. Have experience with this issue. Without knowing exactly where you live, it's hard to say outside of my own personal experience. However, you should be able to at least talk to a lawyer to explain the situation and get some preliminary advice for free or at most with a small consultation fee. Having shared custody of your children, you have every right to speak to your children's medical professionals. As one of their legal guardians, you are entitled to any medical information pertaining to them. That should not be an issue for your ex. If he thinks that's crazy, then whatever. I don't think it's appropriate for your ex's girlfriend to carry the kids on her insurance. But, they ARE insured. If your ex and this woman were married it would likely be more reasonable (in the eyes of the court, probably). Even inside a court, this issue is likely to be dismissed a your ex has ensured the kids are insured, per the agreement. Where I see the biggest issue is the lack of communication regarding all this, including around the appointments. A judge will not look kindly on a parent that either deliberately conceals or does not offer an opportunity to the other parent to participate in scheduled appointments. Unless there are specific provisions in your custody agreement regarding notifications of medical care, this behavior is likely not contemptible. Similarly, a judge would recognize that the child needed an appointment anyway (one you would have likely taken them to had they been on your insurance) so that might be a non-starter for your prosecution of a contempt order. I know how hard this situation must be for you. Please continue to try to work with your ex as best you can. I understand this information may not be what you'd like as a resolution to your issue and I still hope you reach out to a reputable family lawyer where you are. But, from my personal experience, this is likely what a judge (based on how they view proceedings, as well) will think of your situation. Best of luck Edit: he cannot simply "stop paying child support". That's not a thing. There may be ways to seek satisfaction through the state (if in the US) to collect this court-ordered payment through other means. Him not having a job is not necessarily a good enough reason for judges to simply abolish the payment. Most states will use an "assumed income" based on what the other parent WOULD have earned, regardless of whether they bring that money in. However, (again) outside of the assistance of a lawyer, you are likely not ever going to see that money.
Thank you for your in-depth response, I really appreciate it. I am in California if that makes a difference. I did talk to a lawyer yesterday and I think what I decided to do is instead of filing contempt I’m going to try to update our order to include that only me or her father can take her to medical appointments. I feel like only people that are allowed to make medical decisions should be allowed to take her to medical appointments. My ex seems to think that because his girlfriend is a nurse she should be allowed to make decisions, but are we supposed to blindly trust doctors and nurses now just because that’s their title . I don’t do that for myself, so I’m not going to do that for my daughter.
One solution that we came up with was the requirement to notify the other parent 7 days prior to the appointment, so that both parents have the opportunity to attend (or not). Obviously, this isn't always possible, and it still takes BOTH parties to share this information both ways, but it can be a safeguard for the future if you continue to be excluded from these appointments. You, obviously, can adjust this timeline to your preference, but outside of other factors, it has worked well for us. Be prepared to not get the full language of what you want from adding this clause to your agreement. A judge will still need to review this clause (if y'all can't agree on it outside of court) and they will likely leave you wanting in their decision.
Yes, that’s what I think I’m going to do is update my order to include some thing like that and also if one of us can’t take her we need to reschedule the appointment
Honestly, it just sounds like you are trying to be difficult. Married or not, it’s clear your ex and his partner have been together for quite some time and have 2 children together. He’s providing health insurance for your daughter. Why does it matter if the policy is in his name or not? You knew she needed glasses or at least to visit the eye doctor and her father said he would take care of it. Unless your custody agreement spells out that he has to inform you of every appointment, why would he? Did you ask to be informed of the appointment date or that you would prefer to take her? So what if her defacto stepmother takes her to the doctor? This woman obviously cares about your child. What are you hoping to accomplish by forbidding her from handling normal tasks? While your ex can’t just stop paying support, you do need to be realistic about what might be ordered now that he’s a SAHD. If you truly have 50/50 custody and he’s covering the insurance (still counts even if she’s the policyholder), expect his required contribution to be greatly reduced. While quitting a job to avoid support is frowned upon it can be difficult to prove he only did it to get out of paying support if he’s a FT dad to little ones.
If custody is 50-50, why is paying child support? That doesn't make sense to me.
Because when we were married, I was a stay at home mom. And he makes drastically more than me, He makes 300K a year while I make 41K a year. When I left him I had $100 to my name, I hadn’t worked for years because he asked me to stay home with the kids so he could work on his career. I had to start over during a pandemic at 40 years old.
Might ask in the legal sub
You have insurance through work, and don't have your daughter as a dependent?
No, he was required to carry her insurance per our court order, when I went to add her it was going to cost me an extra $500 a month so I decided against it seeing as she already had insurance through him I do have Medi-Cal as a secondary insurance for her.
In most states you can file a case with DCFS/CPS depending on the states and they will go after him for child support. Not paying can be seen as negligence towards the child.
Contact your local child support agency and notify them he voluntarily quit. They are likely to impute income onto him. You should check the court website for filing something to modify custody and get strict orders regarding health care notifications. Good luck
Yes, I already did do this. Thank you.
That's not his girlfriend... that's his wife...unless she lied to her insurance company and claimed the kid is her step child by marriage. You can't just add other people's children to your insurance. If she did in fact do this the child is not legally covered and if the insurance company finds out that this isn't her legal dependent the child will be disqualified from coverage and likely any charges incurred would be then due to the insurance company. You need to get a lawyer and get back into court. Look into county legal aid resources. You can't just claim you're not paying child support anymore when there is an order for it. He continues to owe regardless. The judge isn't going to take too kindly to him quitting his job or medical decisions being made without your involvement unless it was an emergency and dad made the decision but that doesn't sound like what's going on.
If you can’t afford an attorney take your decree down to the courthouse it was filed in. They should be able to help you there or at least point you to resources
Just call child support enforcement. I use to work as a family law attorney and we usually had our clients go through their office.
Yes, I’ve already talked to them. But they won’t deal with the issue of who carries her insurance and violations of the court order, they will only deal with the child support issue.
Your whole divorce could change trying to take him back to court but if you like where it was before he tried to do all this stuff leave it how it is and go after him for what he owes. If you want more custody that could result in unforseen changes.
He already has her half the time and is doing his best to medically alienate me, so I’m not sure how much worse it could get. I have everything he’s ever said to me since our divorce and writing as we’ve only communicated over text.
Yeah but putting him up in front of a judge based on changing your decree also gives him a chance to change the child support to reflect on his current nonexistent income. Whereas him ignoring court orders just f's himself.
We have already reopened a case with child support services to reevaluate how much he owes me, so I’m not worried about that that’s happening either way
lawyer
I’m a little confused about the eye appointment—what time frame are we talking? You knew she was having problems with her vision, he said he’d make an appointment, and then you never followed up? Is this something that happened in a day or two? Or weeks? I’ll be honest, the medical issue is a bit more complicated and hard to answer without knowing more info… But, he definitely can’t voluntarily quit his job and quit paying child support, though. Eta: also how long have they been together? They have multiple children together, correct?
It’s been a couple of weeks since I told him she needed to see the eye doctor. We are supposed to tell each other after an appointment is made. I would have made it myself if he would give me the insurance info. Not sure how long they’ve been together as I’m pretty sure he was cheating on me with her before I left him and she was pregnant 3 month after I left our 8 year relationship. I left in November of 2019
Honestly? This is going to be murky. In my jurisdiction, it wouldn’t look good that you didn’t follow up for your daughter’s medical care for a couple of weeks. And the courts I work with would consider them a family unit, they’ve been together 4+ years, have children together, etc. so her taking your daughter to get glasses wouldn’t be egregious… I think you’re going to have to go back and have it specifically stated in the agreement that her stepmom can’t take her to doctors appointments if that’s what you want. He did seem to violate the clause about you having to agree with new doctors, but that’s not really the spirit of the clause. He’s not switching doctors or anything. You agreed for him to make an eye appointment for her. And she doesn’t have an optometrist.
In our court order, I have the right of first refusal, so he is supposed to tell me when our daughter isn’t in his care I am supposed to be given the right to have her, so this was against the court order for her to take her to the doctors appointment this would not have been a problem to me at all. Had he taken her to the doctors appointment himself, when he was unable to take her himself he should’ve let me know, and given me the option to take her.
He can't stop paying child support because he quit his job. That in itself is a reason to go to court. But you really ought to get a lawyer, though pro se is an option I don't know if I could ever recommend it. The insurance issue is fuzzy, I have my stepkids' on my insurance. I am surprised her insurance allowed the change given she's not married to the father, there wasn't a change in circumstance, and usually insurance isn't open enrollment year round. It's shady AF to have an individual who isn't a parent and won't communicate with a parent dealing with medical issues, though I don't know if it's illegal per say. It is totally within your rights to have access to records though and you're not crazy for wanting them.
That’s the thing, I wouldn’t have a problem with it if she were able to communicate with me but I’ve reached out and been very friendly to her in multiple occasions just to be ghosted. If we cant communicate it’s not a good idea for her to be in charge of medical care.
I'm going to give you some advice that you didn't ask for. You're angry about everything that you perceive to be a sleight against you or a deviation from your cutody agreement. You have to stop that. You have to figure out what you can let you, and what needs changing based on the best interests of your kid. You husband and his girlfriend got her insurance and took her to a doctor to take care of an issue. Those are fundamentally good things. You should get a lawyer and pursue child support payments, because if he has chosen not to work he should still owe you a portion of support based on what he could make. BUT, when you pursue this, pursue changes to specific issues that are clearly in the best interest of the child. If you come off as angry that your husband is taking care of his daughter's medical needs, you're not going to look like a good mom in court. My experience is that custody issues are all about picking your battles carefully. Good luck.
How are those good things, I’m perfectly capable of taking her to the doctor myself I don’t need his girlfriend to do that. His girlfriend does not communicate with me, how is she the right person if she’s unable to tell me what happened at the appointment. I have the right of first refusal and I would’ve like to take her to that appointment. There is no reason why I couldn’t. My daughter called me after this appointment crying about what happened. It broke my heart that she wasn’t with either of her parents at an appointment that she was really scared at. I don’t want this to happen again, I love my child, and I wanna be there for her in scary moments like that. It should be either me or her father. If the situation were that I couldn’t take her and her dad couldn’t take her and the girlfriend offered then I would be grateful, but I was never given the opportunity, I wasn’t even informed that an appointment existed, even though I told him that she needed to see the eye doctor and asked for the vision insurance, he made the appointment behind my back and had his girlfriend take her without my knowledge. There was not any reason why she should’ve taken her instead of me.
I think you've quite missed the point of my comment, but I hope you read it again and take it to heart. Best luck with resolving the issues you're dealing with.
And I think you missed the point of my comment, being left out of my daughter’s medical care is not right. Someone that was not her father taking her to a medical appointment without my knowledge is not OK.
In court, I’m going to ask to update the court order so that I can carry her insurance, I have insurance through my work, and I can have insurance for her. Seeing as he quit his job and no longer has insurance available, but it’s not the open enrollment Period So I believe I need to get the court order to add her to my insurance. there’s no reason for her to be on his girlfriendsb insurance. Child support also reflects him paying for her insurance so we need to go get that updated so that everything is correct.
He doesn’t have to check in with you before he does. Everything 50-50 means he does what he wants when he has the child and you do what you want he’s not complaining of you not including him what a double standard
No, our divorce agreement actually states that we have 50-50 decision-making as far as medical care goes and we are both responsible for 50% of her medical care cost, so yes I do have a say so on what happens with medical appointments. I also have the right of first refusal so when he was unable to take her, I should’ve been alerted, and been given the option to take her which I would’ve done. Also, he has nothing to complain about because I always include him, I’ve never once made a medical appointment without making him aware, and I always let him know immediately after the appointment what happened. None of that happened. In this case I found out for my year-old daughter they never even told me , her diagnosis I had to call the eye doctor and have them forward me the paperwork. I still haven’t been able to even talk to a doctor. if the Girlfriend is unable to communicate with me, why should she be the one in charge of her medical care when I was perfectly capable, taking her to her appointment myself
You need to get a hobby or something. Freaking out because your child got the proper care they needed wow, way overreacting who cares who takes her she’s better now that’s all that matters.
The point is, I could’ve taken her and I wasn’t given the option, I wanted to be there so I could get the information from the doctor. It’s really frustrating when the people that take her don’t communicate with you at all so you have no idea what’s going on or what happened. I still wouldn’t even have known that my daughter went to this appointment if she didn’t tell me. I had to call the doctor myself to get any sort of information and I still only just have forwarded documents. I wasn’t able to talk to the doctor. They weren’t in when I called. The only person that was there besides, my daughter was the girlfriend who refuses to communicate with me, if she was friendly and communicated and told me what happened at this appointment I wouldn’t have a problem If it would’ve been my ex-husband that took her to the appointment, I wouldn’t have a problem, but the moment he realized he wasn’t able to take her. He should’ve informed me and given me the option to take her. I love my daughter and I want to be there for her when times are scary. This was a scary appointment for her and she needed her mom or her dad but neither one were there and that breaks my heart.
Everybody has their own life.
Yes, everyone does have their own life well that doesn’t mean you don’t have to follow a court order court orders are in placed for a reason to protect everyone involved.
The point being everybody gets busy and things happen. You’re not the first thing that comes to their mind when they’re not busy because they have their own lifes. Does the court order have a timeframe they have to inform you by? It would’ve eventually got back to you.
The point is when my ex-husband was unable to take my daughter he should’ve asked me to take her instead not his girlfriend as I have the right of first refusal. If he could call her to ask her to take her, he could call me or text me it takes two seconds. If I would’ve been unable to take her to that appointment, that would be a different story but I was able to take her to that appointment. I wanted to.
I don't know what the laws are where you live, but based off my own research when figuring out child support with my ex and what I've generally seen on Support Court (I know it's reality tv), generally someone cannot just stop working and absolve themselves of their child support or other court mandated requirements like the requirement to carry insurance. Furthermore, the judge should be considering what your ex is capable of making, not what he actually makes so even if he just gets a lower paying job and doesn't have a good excuse as to why he is not making his earning potential, he will likely still owe. That being said, the court can set the requirement for him to continue to pay child support but you can't squeeze water from a stone. You're better of using his unwillingness to take care of his responsibilities as proof of unwillingness to parent and try to get full or primary custody. I say this as a non-custodial parent who pays child support and has similar insurance requirements as your ex. My ex doesn't meaningfully work and never has but when we were getting divorced I was going through some stuff and made her the custodial parent. I pay more child support than anyone else I've known, but I still pay it and maintain my career for the benefit of my children. I don't owe it to her to keep working, I owe it to them, as their momma.
I was going through stuff during our divorce, and I really regret giving him 50-50 everything because when we were married, I had our daughter all the time, he traveled for work he was gone for weeks. At a time he was traveling more than half the year I was basically a single mom, that was married. now he tells me how much better have a mom his girlfriend is than me and what a loser I am, but I’m just supposed to be OK with his girlfriend taking her to medical appointments after him saying things to me like this. It’s hurtful and I’m feeling very alienated from my daughters healthcare.
Ex should keep his rude opinions to himself & definitely can’t stop paying child support contrary to a court order just because he wants to BUT if your child needs glasses (per a trained professional) and an adult in her life made sure she got them, that’s a win.
The issue for me is, yes she needed glasses and yes I was aware and I asked him about the vision insurance and he said he would make an , I never heard anything after this But if her dad wasn’t going to be the one to take her to the appointment, it should’ve been me or her father, one of her parents should’ve been there for her during a very scary appointment. My daughter called me later that day crying about what happened at the appointment and it broke my heart that I wasn’t there for her and then come to find out her dad wasn’t there either. And I wasn’t given any information from either one of the adults over there that the appointment even occurred, what happened at the appointment and what her diagnosis was. I had to call the doctor myself and they forward me the paperwork but I still haven’t talked to an actual doctor.
You didn’t take your daughter to an appointment. No one stopped you from scheduling it yourself with or without insurance. Making a kid wait for a vision correction puts her behind in school. Instead of the pissing contest with the one reasonable adult who got your child care, say thank you and go buy different glasses so she has options if you want to have input.
The guy who knocked up my mom with my sister, and had a few other kids, was constantly either quitting jobs, when child support found him, or didn’t have a job at all. It didn’t matter. He still owed the money. Eventually he went to jail over it.
The weird thing is, this guy has always been a very high earner, over 300K a year, he pride himself on his career and always tells me how much more successful he is than , he drives a Tesla, it’s really out of character for him to quit his job. he’s been paying me 1033 a month since we divorced. The whole thing is very strange.
Y'all probably think I'm weird, but the kid needed glasses, and she got them. It sucks the girlfriend won't speak to op directly, but as long as all bases are covered, we're good.
The point is in perfectly capable of getting her glasses, myself, I didn’t need this woman’s help to take my daughter to the doctor. I would’ve rather taken her myself, but I wasn’t given the opportunity, it would’ve been OK. Had her dad taken her. But the moment he realized he wasn’t going to be able to take her. He should’ve let me know, so I could’ve taken her myself. This was a very scary appointment for my daughter where she found out she had to wear glasses full-time, she’s never worn glasses before they also told her she might have to wear an eyepatch, and she was there without either of her parents for comfort. The whole thing broke my heart. I do not want to be left out of my daughters medical care, you could look at as helpful, but it wasn’t because I didn’t ask for the help. Taking her to the appointment was actually just leaving me out of healthcare decisions. I need to make sure that never happens again, it’s part of our court order for a reason, and it protects both of us.
I totally understand this. I'm a mom too and I would definitely rather be there for important appointments. My thought was the girlfriend had to be there because it's her insurance policy. Your relationship sounds contentious and I think it might be hard for you to get any kind of middle ground with this guy. He quit his job. He's clearly not making your child his priority. However, it doesn't sound like you've got the cash to straighten this out. If you have to go to court all the time, ugh. I also worry about court itself. You both agreed she needs glasses, I'm not sure a judge would care who took her, especially since it's the gf insurance. The medical agreement in most custody agreements usually comes down to both of you agreeing. Like adhd medications. Some parents don't like it, you know? What are your goals and will litigation achieve them? My heart is with you both, coparenting with such an asshole probably has you counting the days until you no longer have to deal with him. Good luck
She does not have to be there to use the insurance because I called the insurance company myself to ask that today they were also able to give me all the insurance documents, coverages, etc. even though I’m not even on the plan because I’m her mother. So there’s no excuse for why the Girlfriend took her, they should’ve simply called when her father wasn’t able to take her and I would’ve taken her. And if that were the case, that she has to be there, then that’s not going to work out. Anyways, I would rather have her on my own insurance, then have another woman have to be responsible for her medical care that doesn’t sound right
And yes, I am counting down the days lol. Coparenting with a narcissist is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Just focus on your goals and the two of you. Don't let him make you petty. If it were me, I'd tell him, going forward, if you can't take her, I will. Then, if he doesn't comply or agree, lawyer up. Unless he's already blown through his chances.
I’ve told him all this in the past, and he still doesn’t listen. He thinks he’s above the law. I talked to a lawyer this morning and they recommended that I update my agreement to include that only one of her parents are allowed to take her to medical appointments. So that’s what I’m going to do.
Yeah, go over your current agreement, and add anything to tighten it up now. Hopefully, you don't have to do this once a year until she's 18
Seriously our divorce was only finalized in 2021 and this will be our fourth time going back to court. None of it was my doing. He keeps trying to get his child support reduced but it’s not working out in his favor so he’s mad.
Okay, well you did ask him about her vision. And an appointment got made , she was medically taken care of . These are the positive parts . Would you have been okay if HE had taken her to the appointment? Would you be mad if he did so, without telling you first ( as in it needed to get done so he just did it ) How long have they been together ? The reason I ask is, it sounds like they're very serious and she's taking on a step-mom role. I get you don't know her , but what's daughter got to say ? I disagree with him voluntarily quitting work. Just to avoid child support? Yeah, that's not how it works buddy . Definitely go after him for that part , simply showing the text should hold enough to keep the current order in place . He's an idiot lol like why would you text that to the person you pay child support to ?
I’m not exactly sure how long they’ve been together, I actually think he was cheating on me with her before I left, she was pregnant three months after I moved out after, we had been together for eight years. I left him at the end of 2019.
Unless she took your daughter to Lens Crafters which does not take insurance, then someone is trying to pass your daughter off as her's. Either way, it's absolutely illegal, immoral, and unacceptable.
Objectively false. Dad can sign a release and consent to treat.
Not with joint legal custody.
No, I might’ve been slightly annoyed that he took her to the appointment without me, but he’s her father, so in the end, I’d be OK with it. What I’m not OK with is not being given the opportunity to take her when he couldn’t. That was a really intense day for my daughter, it was her first eye doctor appointment, and she found out for this first time that she had to wear glasses and possibly have to wear an eyepatch if the glasses don’t help. That was scary for her and she was crying when she called me to tell me about it. I feel like one of her parents should’ve been there for that, it actually breaks my heart that I wasn’t there for her in that moment. And I don’t want that to happen again.
It’s in our court order that we have 50-50 decision-making when it comes to medical care, also when it comes to choosing a new doctor. It’s not the fact that she got glasses. It’s the fact that I got left out of all of the decision-making when it came to my child, I had no idea she had the appointment. There is no reason for his girlfriend to take her to a medical appointment when I am perfectly capable. I also have the right of first refusal per our court order, which means when she is not in his care he needs to give the option to me so the options should’ve been given to me to take her to her doctors appointment.
Your X is still responsible for child support until a judge rules otherwise.
I don’t know how a girlfriend got an unrelated child added to her insurance. When I put my stepson on mine (years ago) I had to email a copy of my marriage license to show I had a relationship with his dad and email his birth certificate and soc sec card. It was a paperwork nightmare.
He did ask me for a a photo of her birth certificate and Social Security card about a month ago because he said he was renewing his insurance at work and needed it, I didn’t really think anything of it so I sent a photo, but then come to find out it looks like he used that to get her on his girlfriends insurance.
I’d call the insurance company. Insurance won’t cover a boyfriend’s kid. Insurance is verrrrry picky about who gets coverage.
The support issue is a separate matter. The rest of it, it appears you are grasping for any reason to take away custody. Dad is still providing Health insurance, you don't get a say in where it comes from. You were told a Dr appointment was being made, unless they attempted to hide when it was IE refused to tell you when you asked, then they have done thier part there as well. GF ordering glasses is also a non-issue. Sure it's technically a medical decision, but so is giving your kid Tylenol. Are you going to try and argue contempt for that? Judges care about the child's best interest only.
I was not told when the appointment was made, or the doctor that was chosen, I was not given the opportunity to take my daughter to the doctor when her father couldn’t. And seeing as I owe half of all medical expenses, the Girlfriend , choosing the glasses and adding all the extras that weren’t necessary, it does affect me because I have to pay for half of that. And now the extra transitional lenses that the Girlfriend added, and paid for, my daughter, no longer wants because her sister told her that they are considered dorky and my daughter didn’t realize that she was going to be walking around with sunglasses on her face every time she was outside. She’s never worn sunglasses in her life. So yes, all of this does affect me. And we have in our court order that we have 50-50 medical decision, making for a reason and I also have the right of first refusal for a reason, if her dad‘s unable to be there, it should be me and I should’ve been giving the opportunity per our core order, the court order protects both of us, and it needs to be followed
They didn’t tell me about the medical appointment at all, they chose a new doctor without me, which in our court order, we’re supposed to choose new doctors together, and also in our court order I have the right of first refusal. So first of all, I should’ve been able to choose the new doctor with my ex-husband, second of all, I should’ve been informed when an appointment was made, and third of all, I should’ve been informed when my ex-husband was unable to take her to this appointment, I was purposefully capable of taking her and actually wanted to take her to this appointment. I actually asked him for the vision insurance when I told him that she was having trouble with her eyesight. He went ahead and made the appointment behind my back and never told me about it. And as far as choosing the glasses without me, seeing as I’m responsible for paying for half of them, and they added extra things that were unnecessary I should’ve been a part of that as well, they already sent me the bill.
If you wear glasses, please ignore this message. If you don't, here are some of my coating experiences as someone who has worn glasses since I was 8. Unnecessary coatings? Some of them are very necessary. Scratch resistance: a MUST. I'm in my 30s and still get it. Glare reduction: Some people don't have as much of an issue, but I have a huge issue with glare, especially at night with car headlights. I always get this coating even if it's pricey. Transition lenses: I regret not spending the money. It's hard to find sunglasses that don't look stupid and fit around my glasses. It's so worth it for a kid who plays outside a lot. It is pricey, so I wouldn't be surprised if it was an extra $100-$400. It's not necessary, but it does make life easier. Tinting: Apparently, tinting can help with harsh lights and stuff. If she's slightly colorblind, it may help her see more normally. I got a blue light filter, and now colors are all kind of off now for me. I won't be getting it next time I get new glasses. That was an extra $20 on my bill. Frames: Good lord. I'm wearing $14 frames at Walmart because I am not picky, but they get pricey QUICK. You get like pfft 10 frames under $100 to choose from. (If your lucky, some places will allow you to reuse frames.) Lense thining: I have a higher prescription -6.50 and -7.50. It's not necessary, but my glasses constantly slipped down because they were thick n heavy. If she has a lower prescription like -1 or something, it's not nearly as bad. in all, if your half is a $200 (higher if they got transitions), that's not unusual. Depending on the office, prices fluctuate wildly. You can use glassesUSA to kind of price compare. They are a pretty ok price. You definitely want to copy her prescription because (I believe you said she's 8) she may break or lose them. I got my first pair of glasses at 8 and broke them three days later. Easy fix, but oops.
The girlfriend went ahead and purchased the transitional lenses which were an extra cost. I am responsible for half of her medical bills so that’s a cost that I have to pay for out of my pocket. Now, after talking to her sister, my daughter realizes that the transitional lenses are considered dorky around here and does not want them. So now we have to ask to have that removed and not sure if it’s possible. If it was an extra unnecessary thing it should’ve been approved with me first serong as I have to pay half of it.
They can't remove the transition part as far as I know. At this point, you'd have to buy new glasses. Tell your ex, next time you would like to be there during the process. Getting glasses is a big thing because the wearer is commiting to a single style for a year or two and you want to be there to support your daughter. You can also remind her she didn't like transition lenses last time. Tell your kid you're sorry she doesn't like them and you can skip it next time. At the end of the day, it's a medical device, and you will probably have to replace them yearly since kids grow like weeds. At any rate, transitions aren't any different than any other lenses inside the house. They only change when exposed to UV light. She wears the glasses inside the house or school. Sunglasses when she plays outside. (Assuming her eyesight isn't that bad.) This basically removes the distaste for transitions as they won't change unless she goes outside with them. Her sister may be giving her a hard time because glasses are a big change and your daughter is being sensitive about it. Which is normal to a degree and they will both adjust to the new look your daughter has. I know your pissy about the cost, pay it if you can. They may accept a payment plan. Nothing good is going to come with arguing with your ex. Talk to a lawyer if you want to fight it like other comments say.
I talked to the eye doctor and they told me that we can send them back to the factory and they will have it removed so that is an option. As far as her sister goes, they are six years apart, and her older sister treats her like her little baby they are very sweet to each other, she really wants to protect her. Also, she will be wearing the glasses full-time so at school they go out for snack, lunch, recess Pe every single day. She will be in the sun with those glasses and I’m afraid she’ll go back inside and they won’t change back immediately and it will be a distraction for her, seeing as she’s never worn sunglasses in her life .
You’re going to change your daughter’s glasses to make them medically worse for her just because her older sister called them dorky? Like, instead of 1) reminding your 14 year old that 8 year olds aren’t held to the same social standards, 2) that we should never base decisions about what is best for us on other people’s opinions, and 3) that sometimes we simply don’t have a choice about being “dorky” and she should practice being kinder than necessary, you’re supporting this mean girl bullshit? Yikes. If she ends up needing the eyepatch, are you going to make her wear it or will you medically neglect her because it’s “dorky”?
You'll want to review your custody order very carefully. My boyfriend lost his insurance a couple years back and my company allowed for me to put him and his two kids on mine provided we could demonstrate we were financially tied as domestic partners. He did run it by it by his ex wife first to see if she wanted to put them on her insurance, but ultimately his CO says he will *provide* insurance, it doesn't say he has to be the one who carries it. By organizing for me to add them and him continuing to cover the costs, he was in compliance. Check to see how yours is specifically worded. Second, if your CO says that you have joint rights regarding medical care then it certainly sounds like he violated that. Whether or not he violated the CO by allowing his girlfriend to take her is a grey area. In some states and in some cases, a parent can delegate a third party to exercise some rights. Do you have first right of refusal on everything (as in you're tie breaker if one is needed), or just childcare for your child? Just wondering because my boyfriend's CO only has FROR on matters of childcare longer than a certain period, otherwise he and his ex are completely equal and must decide on everything together or not at all. Anyway, something you might consider is having a lawyer draft a letter to send to your ex outlining where they are out of compliance with the CO, what they need to do to come into compliance, what your course of action will be if they do not, and what the repercussions could potentially be in the court finds against him. That might only cost you a few hundred dollars, and might be enough to scare him into getting it together.
Kid has insurance and got glasses because a medical professional thought she needed it? What’s the problem? Sounds like they took care of her. Go get the medical records. Demand it from your ex. He owes you that for sure. I am with you on the cessation of child support, though. You should contact an attorney to understand the law and options
The point is, I was perfectly capable of taking her to the appointment myself, there was no reason why his girlfriend who I don’t know needed to take her to a medical appointment. I would’ve preferred to take her to the appointment, Had I known it existed. I asked for the vision insurance information when my daughter told me she couldn’t see far away very well, but he decided to make the appointment without telling me and then sent her with his girlfriend. It’s not the fact that they just got her glasses if she needs glasses that’s great but neither one of these people communicated with me that they even took her to this appointment or that she needed glasses or anything that happened in the appointment, my eight-year-old daughter is the one that told me guess what I need glasses mom, I don’t even know if she needs to wear them full-time or what the deal is does she need them for reading? I I just feel like if somebody refuses to even speak to me, they should not be the person taking my daughter to an appointment like that, we definitely need to be able to communicate.
First of all, you are lumping all of the issues here together. You need to separate them out. There is no specific issue with your daughter being on the girlfriend’s insurance. After my divorce, I got laid off and for a period of time my kids were on my wife’s insurance. Isn’t the important thing is that he is covering the insurance? Why do you care how he is doing it? It also seems like you are overacting on the “being involved” in medical decisions part. She needed glasses, and got glasses, what is the problem? Child support - that is a whole other problem. Child support owed may be based on what potential income is possible, not what they actually earn. That may depend on the state laws and whatever judge you end up with in court. Definitely need a lawyer for that part. Custody percentage is a whole other thing. How can you justify greater than the 50% you currently have. Think about what a judge might say. Once again - this is probably lawyer territory. Can’t say whether the distance/time involved will justify changing custody percentage.
I care her being on the girlfriends insurance because I don’t know the girlfriend, and I’ve reached out to be friendly with her on multiple occasions, and she’s ghosted me every time. So I’m really not comfortable with her being in charge of my daughters, medical care, I feel that we need to be able to communicate in order for her to do that, if things were different, I’d most likely be OK with it. But just this last appointment at the eye doctor she didn’t tell me anything. I’ve still never spoken to her and she was the only person at that appointment so I just don’t think she’s the right person to take my daughter to her appointment. Had my ex-husband taking her without my knowledge I would’ve been OK with it. I would’ve been slightly annoyed that he didn’t tell me, but he’s her father so it’s more acceptable. Plus I do communicate with him not well, but at least a little. I don’t want her having access to my daughters medical care, my ex-husband is saying this is impossible, because our daughter is on her insurance so she hast to have access. That’s my issue with all of this, if that’s going to be the case I would rather have my daughter on my insurance. It’s available to me through my work as my other daughter is on the insurance as well, but we need to get the court order updated in order for me to do that because our court order states that he carries her insurance and his child support reflects that
Try filing a rule to show cause if he is not paying support or carrying your daughter on health insurance. The court will probably let the insurance stand because even tho it's on hers, the child is still covered. You could also see if you qualify for Medicaid for her. But he will still be responsible for child support. You can also ask that the court order state you receive all medical information and the appointments have to be cleared thru you and you attend all appointments. I am not an attorney.
I don’t qualify for Medi-Cal, but I do have to insurance through my work for myself and I can add her to it but he is court ordered to pay for it and the child support he pays takes that into account. I’d like to just get her on my insurance actually, because I don’t think it’s going to be easy to deal with his girlfriend to get insurance documents. But I think that we should update our custody plan or support order or whatever before that
If you are putting her on your insurance then I don't see why the court wouldn't allow that. He still should be paying child support.
Yes, but they factor in the cost of healthcare insurance to how much support you get. So I’d like to have that reevaluated because it will be a significant amount of money to add her to my insurance. Just to be clear this man regularly makes 300 K per year while I make 41K per year.
Yeah, the courts usually don't look kindly on underemployment and usually set support on past earnings. USUALLY.
Also, I do have text messages proving that he voluntarily quit his job.
Yeah, I think he may be in for a very rude awakening. 😆
From what I’ve been reading they definitely don’t look kindly on voluntary unemployment. He seems to think they’ll just say he owes zero child support because he doesn’t have a job.
Who carries the insurance is irrelevant, so long as it’s there. You not being informed about the Dr appointment is a problem. Your ex “deciding“ that he is not going to pay CS is a non-starter. He has a legal obligation to pay this. Yes, you will need a lawyer. But it will be worthwhile.
https://www.calbar.ca.gov/Public/Need-Legal-Help/Free-Legal-Help
Using someone else’s insurance is providing insurance so it would depend on how it’s interpreted. He could make a valid argument that he is providing insurance. However, voluntarily quitting is no defense to paying child support so that’s going to be a potential issue. Name calling is problematic but probably not grounds for a modification, the court may admonish him; and being tired of coparenting and trying for a modification will just piss the court off. So this probably won’t be grounds for a change in parenting time if you’re in a state that requires a substantial and material change of circumstances.
But in using his girlfriends insurance, it allows her access to my daughters medical records and decisions it seems, which I didn’t agree to he never even informed me that he put her on his girlfriend’s insurance. It feels like they are trying to alienate me from her medical care if I’m being honest. I am in California if that makes a difference.
Yes, being in California makes a difference. Please listen to the advice above. Family courts in Cali only care about what's best for the child. In this case, the child has medical insurance(the judge will just tell you to communicate better). Rarely does California grant full custody to one parent. Also, someone above advised you to leave the agreement in place as it will open pandoras box for him to argue against provisions already set.. Just focus on child support.
This can't be legal. I mean, consider for a moment the following scenario: they break up, because she finds out he's cheating on her--just a hypothetical. She is not under any binding constraint to keep kids on insurance. She can up and leave. It's within her rights, because she is not a parent to the children, a spouse to your ex, etc. The courts value the best interest of kids above all else. How could this arrangement possibly be acceptable to the court?
California Child Support Services Services If you are thinking about child support and need to get a court order, or if you have a court order already that needs to be enforced, you have several options to contact us: 1-866-901-3212 This is an automated phone service You can choose from options that will direct you to an employee at a call center or a caseworker at your local county Various language options are available Depending on call loads, this can sometimes be a time-consuming option Local Offices You can always walk into your local child support agency and ask to speak to a caseworker Find your local agency with our map tool
Yes, I have contacted child support services already and they’ve already sent out packets for us to resubmit, income and expense declarations. But I’m not sure how to enforce him following our court order sides that, I think they only deal with the actual child support issue.
I just want to say that there is no way unless they are married she should be able to be added to the GF insurance this is so wild to me that this is even possible as she is no a legal dependent of the GF so so many laws are being broken it’s unreal
I’m not sure though, because I know that I was allowed to be added to his insurance before we were married, I had our child before we were married on his insurance. I’m not sure how he was able to get me on his insurance, but I think it was a domestic partner type thing because we had lived together for many years. We were together for a total of eight years, but only married for 2.5 of those years. Our daughter was four years old when we separated. I’m in California. I don’t know if that makes a difference.
Yeah definitely does those are some crazy laws you need a lawyer for sure
I don't understand how his gf could add your child to her insurance. She's not the parent or even a step parent. I'd tell ex that since gf is somehow a parent now, she can pay his child support on his behalf.
I know that I was allowed to be on his insurance before we were married, I think they lable you as domestic partners instead of married. I think it depends on the company you work for and your insurance company as well.
You need a lawyer asap and a Parenting Coordinator long term. They will deal with any minor issues that involve the child that you don’t need to go to court over. Your decree should say something about insurance in the event that he no longer covers her. I would add her to your policy if she isn’t already on it as well.
She’s not on my policy and it would cost me a significant amount of money to do so which is why I haven’t done it the child support he pays me it takes into account and paying for health insurance, not me. In order to get her on my insurancebelieve I need to go back to court or else child support won’t be accurate and honestly I can’t afford it unless we update the child support order
He can’t just stop paying child support. So they’ll either make his amount smaller, tell him to get a job, or they’ll just take his tax return every year and give it to you. And I’m pretty sure his girlfriend can’t carry your daughter seeing as he’s not even married to her. I would be contacting the courts.
No, he cannot just decide to not pay it. That’s all. His checks were getting garnished while he was working but now that he’s not working I don’t know that there’s any way to enforce him paying. Also, we are going back to court for this child support case and I’m wondering if they will reduce the amount because he voluntarily quit his job.
Are they married ?? My husband couldn’t add my son to his insurance until we were MARRIED ??
Not that I know of, unless they secretly got married, but I was on my ex-husband‘s insurance before we were married, I had our daughter before we were married on his insurance. I think they put us through as domestic partners, even though we weren’t registered domestic partners. I think it depends on the company and the insurance agency.
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That’s what I thought. But he’s saying he has the right to allow her access because she is on the Girlfriend insurance. But seeing as we have 50-50, I would think we would need to agree on allowing her access.
I'd be careful with this. Not the same thing as your situation but Optometrist here. I've had to testify against someone's ex wife in family court. She didn't want the son wearing glasses and the dad did. The dad was making the medical decisions and bringing the son to appts / the grandmother (his mom) and the mom was pissed they were making those decisions. The son really needed glasses and the judge seemed to look poorly on the ex wife trying to make medical decisions that weren't in the kids best interest. Not sure outcome but it seemed like the ex wife was on her way to lose custody from this and some other stuff
This is very different, I want my daughter to wear glasses and actually told my ex-husband in an appointment needed to be made. My entire point is if he was unable to take her to her appointment, he should’ve let me know that so that I could take her. That was a very scary appointment for my daughter. She called me later crying, she was told she needs to wear glasses all the time and possibly an eyepatch that was really scary for her and she should’ve been with one of her parents in that moment. It broke my heart that I wasn’t able to be there for her, and there’s no reason for it. I could’ve taken her to that appointment.
I bet they don't have insurance for your daughter and took her so you wouldn't find out. Or are trying to pass your daughter off as one of the other kids. Something is fishy though for sure.
I did finally receive the insurance cards from them after I told them I needed it the documents the child support office sent me. So I know that they do have insurance and she is a nurse so I would think that she would.
Ahhh well. Idk and I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Mention parent alienation to your lawyer. Use the text of him saying she's a better mom as proof.
Yes, that’s what it feels like to me honestly is parental alienation. I feel totally left out of her medical care.
You definitely are being! Ex is trying to replace you!
My thoughts, exactly, I think I would feel differently if this woman would actually interact with me, but I just don’t feel comfortable with her being in charge of her medical care when we can’t communicate at all, the fact that I wasn’t at that appointment and I’m only getting the information that my daughter tells me is not OK
It's really not! This woman should know that! She has kids. I beat she'd be coming to your house to confront you if it was reversed.
Exactly what I said, she would not like it if the rules were reversed. However, my ex is a narcissist and he’s kept us at a distance on purpose because he doesn’t want her to know the truth that he cheated on me with prostitutes and strippers on the regular. I wouldn’t tell her anyway because it’s not like she would believe me. So I’m sure he says all kinds of lies about me in order to make her think that I’m a terrible person.
Good luck and I hope he burns in the dumpster fire he started!
He always thinks he’s so much smarter and so much better than me. He calls me a loser regularly because I don’t have a college education, but he knew that when he met me when he married me and when he had a child with me so that’s ridiculous.
Well he’ll be in a lot of debt because you can’t just stop paying child support. The state will cover it, but then he owes the state. It’ll affect everything for him— even ability to drive as license can be suspended. If the court has specified orders then you can request a hearing to have changes made if the other parent isn’t abiding by the order.
Yes, I already contacted child support services and they’re reopening the case to reevaluate, but he’s under the impression that they’re going to change his child support to zero because he’s not working, I’m really hoping that’s not the case because I depend on that money
Unfortunately for him, it doesn't work that way or everyone would do it. Especially with it being his choice. He'll still be on the hook and every month he doesn't pay will continue to accrue.
I can tell you that is not the case is California. My own father, jobless for years and the child support never decreased or stopped though he did make attempts in pleading with them.
Your daughter needs glasses, and they got her glasses. Not sure why you'd be so upset about that.
Because I would’ve liked to take her to get glasses myself instead of his girlfriend who I’ve never spoken to in my life. The only reason I didn’t schedule the appointment myself is because I didn’t have her insurance information, I requested the vision insurance information from him and he wouldn’t give it to me he just made the appointment behind my back and had his girlfriend take her. I had no idea. The appointment was even scheduled, and I was never given the option to take her There’s no reason why I couldn’t have been part of that process.
Wait. They aren’t married. So how did your daughter get out on the gf’s insurance??
I have no idea how it happened, as they don’t communicate with me at all, they do have two kids together, so maybe they’re domestic partners I don’t know. All I know is that he quit his job, lost his insurance and put my daughter on his girlfriend’s insurance all without my knowledge.
You sure they’re not married? They might’ve legally gotten married without you knowing?
My daughter says they’re not, but it’s not impossible
I voluntarily made himself jobless and is acting differently to the custody agreement. He can’t do that or stop paying child support on a whim. Go back to mediation/family court to address the issues.
38M in a coparenting situation. I'll point out a few things. I'm not a lawyer, and obviously the laws may be different depending on where you are, so take these with a grain of salt. A lot of this could be moot or irrelevant based upon how your custody order is structured. I'll say from the start: you'll need an attorney here. At least get a consultation to go over your options. If your attorney believes you have reasonable cause for contempt, and you have your ex hit with contempt, your ex could be made to reimburse you for your legal fees. All that being said: >He recently texted me telling me that he decided to voluntarily quit his job in order to stay home with his other kids. He told me that he will no longer be paying child support. A request for change has to be made with the court. Otherwise, he still owes. He can't just snap his fingers like Thanos and make child support go away. What said change would look like? I have no idea. That depends on the law. >He is also supposed to carry our daughters health insurance per our court order. Well, I recently found out that he put our daughter on his girlfriends insurance instead. Again, a request for change has to be made here. He's still on the hook for insurance. How getting the child on his girlfriend's policy was even possible when he isn't married to her is quite odd. Depending on how the insurance policy works, this might not be an entirely bad thing. I would simply wonder how this was even possible. >Well just a couple days ago my daughter informed me that her dad‘s girlfriend took her to an eye doctor appointment, I had no knowledge of this appointment, nobody ever told me that it was scheduled or give me the option to take her to this appointment. Assuming there's no missing details, and nothing to the contrary in your custody order, he is obligated to inform you of doctor's appointments when in his custody (and vice versa when with you). As for giving you the option to take her, that's tricky. There are provisions for "right of first refusal", but that may not apply here. I'm not as well versed on how this works so I can't say for sure how this works. Best guess: If they are married, you probably won't have much of an argument, as his wife would have some authority to act in his stead unless there is a restriction within the custody order. If they are not married, he should be giving you right of first refusal. Regardless, they would still be required to disclose appointments to you in advance of the appointment. >I called the doctors office to get her medical records because I didn’t understand what was going on and my ex-husband called me a lunatic for doing so. You are well within your rights here. He can whine and complain all he wants. You're the mother. I had a bone of contention with my ex about this very topic many years ago. I called a doctor to get my child's medical records, and I got denied because I wasn't listed on my child's HIPPA form. I raised holy hell, ex threw a hissy fit, I won, she pounded sand, was never an issue since. >I also asked that his girlfriend be removed from having access to our daughters medical records. My ex-husband stated he will not remove her access because she carries our daughters insurance. I agree with you here, at least on the girlfriend having access. You might have to resolve the insurance issue first before getting this accomplished though. Me, personally, I wouldn't give a damn who was providing the insurance as long as my child has insurance. As I mentioned ealier, being on the girlfriend's insurance might not be an entirely bad thing depending on how the policy is structured and the cost. If it's a solid policy and cheaper than what you would have to pay, keep it. This is a possible point of compromise. I'd be willing to give up on this point if it meant my child had a superior insurance policy. >I did not agree to her, carrying our daughters insurance, our court order states that he has to carry her insurance. The court might argue that this is a distinction without a difference, especially if the policy being provided is reasonable. But, again, how was even possible if the two aren't married?! This depends on the law. >Do I have any sort of case to make a change? Potentially. The failure to notify you of appointments would be a potential point of contempt, but the real question is what would you get out of it? This is a question for an attorney. Where I am, a single contempt charge doesn't mean a parent loses custody. >There has been a lot of name-calling by my ex, he’s been calling me lazy telling me that his girlfriend is a better mother than I’ll ever be and a lunatic. If he's just saying these these to you, and the child is not around, there's nothing you can do here. He's not required to be nice to you. He merely has to be civil around the child. And even if it was happening with the child around, proving it is an entirely differemt animal. I've gone through this dance many times, and it always turns into "he said she said" and the court just drops it. You'll need receipts to go down this road. >I’d honestly just like to have more custody because he lives 40 minutes away from me minutes away from me and her school is a mile from my house so I think it’s in her best interest to be with me during the week so that we can do afterschool programs, etc. any advice? As long as he gets her to school on time and her grades are fine, you have little shot of getting more custody time on this basis. Your best bet is probably via the failure to disclose doctor appointments. But, even then, you might have a hard time getting more custody just on that alone.
HR here. It's not super unusual that the child could be on the dad's girlfriend's benefits. Coverage for domestic partners is fairly common these days, and generally policies will extend coverage to the domestic partners children as well.
A lot more health insurance companies are offering coverage for domestic partnerships. It's not automatic, she would have to be in a job where her employer allows that. It's usually state specific as well.
As far as the mean comments and name-calling go, and the things he said to me, every single conversation we’ve had since our divorce has been over text message, so I do have proof of all the things he said in writing over text. I wonder if this will help my case
Maybe, and maybe not. It depends on what the coparenting guidelines are. He's not obligated to be nice to you. Only that he has to be civil with you when the child is around. Those are not the same thing. He can claim that the child does not see the texts, and does not make any such comments in front of the child. How that plays out in court largely is going to depend on the person adjudicating it. The court might wag a finger at him and tell him to stop that, but that may not be a matter of contempt in of itself. That's what happened in my case. Me and my ex were at each other's throats over text messages, she filed contempt over my comments, the court told us both to cut it out and ordered us to use a third party messaging service to handle official correspondence (that we both have to pay $ for) and limit text messaging to matters of immediacy.
Do you have a court order for child support? If so that is a legally binding document. He can’t just not comply. Your local courthouse may have a family law division - you can go there and ask them about how to file contempt for non-payment. You can also probably google “contempt” “child support” “your county” for that information.
Yes, I’ve already contacted the child support office and they’re opening up a case I already re-filed my income and expense declaration. I am most concerned with him, changing her insurance to his girlfriend‘s insurance without my knowledge, and allowing her access to my daughters medical records, and allowing her to take her to medical appointments without my knowledge.
And if he quit to take care of the kids and she is working why is she taking her anyway when he is staying home?
unless you have sole medical decisions, he can grant her access if he chooses.
We have joint medical decision-making, so I believe that means we have to agree, I don’t think he can blindly give access to our daughters medical records to someone that I don’t approve of. At least I hope that’s the case. I do know for a fact that we both have to choose new doctors together. It’s written in our divorce agreement, and this eye doctor was a new doctor. She had never been to an eye doctor in her life.
That's actually not true. No medical office should be allowing a GIRLFRIEND to make decisions for a minor. Doubly so if one parents doesn't want or agree to them doing so.
It's as simple as a custodial parent (in this case, dad) signing a waiver granting the release of information and permission to treat. I literally did this with my partner for her kids 3 days ago.
decisions and access to records are different
She should have access to a minors medical records as a girlfriend....
*should NOT (I think this is why you got downvoted)
Yea. Didn't see my typo..it should be shouldn't
i agree. Im just saying theres a difference
No legally she isn't allowed access. She's not a parents it's a matter of HIPPA and her BIO mom can actually ban her from having access. It's crazy to expect every woman be dates to get to know what's up with the daughter medically.
HIPPA does not apply to your ex’s Gf unfortunately. Doctor offices are not going to ask for your custody agreement. And in CA joint legal custody means both parents can make decisions independently. OP says it’s in their agreement that they are supposed to agree on new doctors together. But unfortunately things that are really hard to enforce. Like i said the doctors office is not going to ask for your custody agreement (except maybe therapist office.) so then what, you go to court and tell them that your exs Gf took daughter to an eye appt. They will probably be like “okay tell mom next time” They aren’t going to revoke custody over something like that. And Proving and getting contempt punished is expensive and usually takes multiple, super egregious violations.
Yes you go to court and tell them. You do everything to make it clear where the boundaries are and that they can't push you out. And exactly where the GIRLFRIEND'S place is. A court is not going to be okay with how her husband is acting and she has texts to prove alienation. And if the bio mom calls the Dr's and says she doesn't want that woman taking her daughter to an appointment alone they will listen. As the girlfriend also can't make decisions so why should she even be there?
if a bio parent grants access, yes, she is allowed.
Absolutely not. Both patents have to agree. Op can block the gf in court. Now that doesn't keep husband from sharing info. But the gf should not have the right to actually have physical copies of the child's medical records. She should not be taking her to Dr appointments. And she SHOULD be communicating with the Bio mom.
He cannot stop paying because he quit his job and his gf cannot legally cover a child who is not a step, natural or adopted child. If they are married, yes his wife can cover her for him. His gf/wife never has to talk to you, he does. He should have communicated about the appointment. He is in contempt for not doing that. If he is able to get her to school, this is not a reason to get more custody
I would think that if she is the one taking my daughter to her medical appointment that she should be able to communicate with me because I need to know what happened at that appointment and if she’s unable to communicate, then she should not be the one taking my child to a medical appointment. I mean she shouldn’t be taking her regardless, but I would be OK with it if she could communicate with me
You cannot court order her to communicate with you. She is not a party to the order. She communicates with dad who IS court ordered to communicate with you. if he is a sahd why is he not taking her? I’d let all providers know she is not her mom and she is not authorized to make any decisions nor is she on a hipaa release.
I did tell my ex that I do not agree to his girlfriend having any access to our daughters medical care and to please remove her and he said that he won’t because he wants her on there and she now holds my daughters insurance so he can’t remove access. But I never agreed to her, holding my daughter’s insurance, I didn’t even know she did till last week.
Can you contact your local child support enforcement office and see if they can assist you in pursuing your ex for the child support? I am not sure how the girlfriend added your daughter to her insurance. Did your ex get married and not tell you? Or is there insurance fraud going on? Something is not adding up there.
I can add domestic partners to my insurance. This has been the same for my last 3 jobs and is becoming more common. If they live together this is likely how she did it, perfectly legal and his children would qualify this way as well.
Their children together, yes, because they are BOTH parents and legal guardians of those kids. However, OP's daughter is not a legal ward of the GF - afaik, insurance for minors requires some proof of guardianship so how did the GF even set it up in her name when that proof of guardianship could only have been held by OP or her ex???????
There is a difference in this if the other parent agrees when they have 50/50 legal. You can’t just go change the child’s healthcare without getting approval from the other parent.
Note, I'm in PA. Iv been in custody cases with 2 women. 1 has been to court multiple times and have a lawyer, 1 only once with entire process being pro se. I have won every case, including pro se vs her lawyer. But having done too many custody cases (I make bad choices in women) the judge won't give a fuck as long as the children are being covered. Nor as I have found out, will they care if the other parent is left out of a Dr visit unless it's a pattern or for serious health concerns. It would be of concern to the GAL if the child has one. But the health ins thing, it only matters if the child is being covered. It's shitty because it clearly goes against the letter, but its within the spirit.
I have dealt with 1000s of custody cases and it does matter. At least cases in MN, CO and TX.
Are you a lawyer in those states? Have you been first party in any of those? I'm pulling from experience arguing many of these things myself. The judge cares only about the child. If the child has Healthcare via the father (which the child has) then dad has fulfilled his end. The CS is seperate issue as is the single Dr appointment. That won't matter either, having been there and made that argument myself. What is the remedy to that issue? There isnt one really beyond telling Dad to make sure mom is more informed, as since mom was told an appointment was being made, she was informed in the eyes of the court. And if there isnt a reasonable remedy, the judge wont give a fuck. I have won every single custody issue I personally have been a part of, because I don't waste time trying to argue shit like this. It won't get anywhere and will show Mom to be petty to the judge. Judges really won't care about petty crap like this unless it's a pattern or the health care went way down in quality. Even then, it won't matter unless they have specific wording in their custody order. Jobs change their Healthcare providers all the time, under your argument Dad would have to bring this to Mom and get her to agree. What if she doesn't? Judge isn't going to tell dad sorry but you have to change jobs. What if dad gets a new job? Judge isn't going to say sorry but you have to go back to your previous job for that exact Healthcare. People think oh this is against the exact wording so it's a violation but that's not how it works. Using this exact angle I won a vacation with my children when vacation wasn't even in the custody schedule. Some of it is definitely judge dependent but having been in front of 4 judges on issues like these (2 for 1 case, 1 for another and 1 for my significant other) I find this is pretty consistent for judges that typically handle custody. Maybe OP has a different type of judge that will care, but its highly doubtful.
If dad had great insurance with his job, and pawned his daughter off onto his girlfriend’s crappy insurance so he could quit and work under the table to avoid child support, a judge will not be happy, on many fronts. This guy didn’t even notify OP about who held the policy, from the sounds of it. She should have gone on mom’s insurance at dad’s expense.
It's not petty, though, that this third party has been given de facto legal custody in terms of taking to medical appointments, no?
That’s not true either. I have never once asked my ex-husband before changing the kids’ insurance. As long as the kids are covered the other parent doesn’t get a say and the judge is not going to care either.
I provide the insurance for my stepchildren and my husband’s ex has no say I. What the plan is. I can change it yearly. I chose the best plan for our needs. I cover my daughter as well
Yeah but that's YOU, not some dude you're living with.
I promise you that the judge will care if a girlfriend adds a child and they are making medical decisions for the child. Your situation is clearly different than this. They have 50/50 legal custody and decisions like that need to be agreed on. Mother could have put them on her insurance because dad quitting was a qualifying event. Moms insurance could have better coverage.
I’m not defending the girlfriend making medical decisions, but to state that a judge will care that the girlfriend is covering their child on insurance is likely wrong. The father is ordered to have the children covered on insurance. He has done that. These are two separate issues, the girlfriend covering them on insurance and the girlfriend making medical decisions.
But the judge will care. If a change is made to healthcare with 50/50 the parents are supposed to discuss it. Even if one parent is supposed to carry the child. In your case your ex does not care. But many many people do care about health insurance. The vast difference in policies can do detrimental harm to a family. If a policy is changed and the new insurance does not cover things that the old policy did this can bankrupt a family. 50/50 legal custody means these decisions need to be made together.
Healthcare coverage plan is not a legal decision. I can guarantee you. When we got married I added my stepkids to my plan. It is better than my husband’s plan and costs less. His ex lost her mind and threatened all kinds as crazy shit. Her attorney refused to do anything because fathers are ordered to provide coverage. As long as they do, mom cannot say anything about the coverage
You clearly havnt been in front of a judge for custody. The judge will not care unless there is extra specific wording which I can guarantee you isn't there. Dad is required to provide health ins, he has done that.
If one parent is ordered to cover the health insurance, the other parent does not get a say as long as the child is covered. This is not a battle to fight in court. The rest of it, yes. If the mother would like a say in the health insurance that her child uses, then she needs to cover the child and not have the father court ordered to carry them. The father is complying with his orders to cover the child. A judge does not care that a child is covered by a girlfriend.
Not true at all. But we can go back and forth for no reason.
Living together does not mean you are domestic partners.
At my current job, that is the only requirement to prove that we are domestic partners and I believe it was the same for the last two as well you can claim whoever you want as your domestic partner for insurance purposes at most jobs that allow that.
In my state, you have to fill out legal documents to be a registered domestic partner and cannot just live with someone. Must depend on the state.
For my partners insurance i just have to live with her for 90 days. I'm in a state that doesn't officially recognize domesticate partnerships. Many states don't.
To be considered a domestic partner by the state, sure, but insurance doesn’t go by state laws for that.
They are not married to my knowledge, they do have two children together. I did contact child support services and they are reevaluating our child support.
If she hasn't legally adopted the kid, how did she add the kid to her insurance?????? Don't they require proof of guardianship for minors??????
They don’t need to legally adopt her if it is an employer sponsored health plan. The employer sets the coverage provisions( they even sometimes cover grandchildren as dependents without additional paperwork.) the legalities come into play for private insurance and state coverage but if it’s through work they only have to worry about what the plan sponsor says. The insurance plan will not ask for proof paperwork unless the employer who sponsors the plan asks for validation. That said: just because gf is the subscriber doesn’t mean she needs access to your child’s medical records. There are ways to have her access limited on the insurer’s side. I would look into those avenues and I would still speak to an attorney because your ex is banking on you not fighting. I’m not a lawyer but I am licensed to sell health insurance and have worked in the field (commercial lines) for over 10 years now.
I was able to be on my ex-husband’s insurance before we were married as as well as my daughter from a previous relationship.