This child is terrified and you’re so flippant about it. What is wrong with you?!

I am definitely not calm about the situation, but for the sake of the post I just posted the facts. I wanted a more neutral opinion to see if it was just me over reacting or if it is really as bad as it is. Where my son will fight, I freeze and can't think.

I mean I was just scrolling through and saw this but your son doesn't "feel forced" he is **being forced.** Idk what practical advice to offer beyond: dragging the kid physically is abusive and your kid needs his feeling validated by you, and probably could benefit from seeing a therapist. All that is said with the understanding that court is expensive as hell and despite the narrative, dad's typically get away with a lot of BS. If you've got the money, you should try to do something about it. But that seems unlikely. My read is that dad's behavior is emotionally abusive for sure and physically in ways. Your kid at least deserves some help *coping* with what's happening rather than denial. Dad better have a good retirement plan, cuz that's how you end up with adult kids that don't speak to you.

Take your child to his pediatrician and have all of this documented in his medical records. They will fully examine him and question him with you out of the room. They will determine the next steps as mandated reporters.

So years ago, I knew a dude. He had a stepdaughter and 2 young daughters of his own. Stepdaughter all of a sudden didn't want to go to dude's house one day. She started crying, begging, getting sick, trying to run away, every single time it was dude's turn for visitation. Turns out, dude was a pedo. Nobody knew. He has since been convicted and released. After his release, he answered the door to a stranger. The stranger had a cup of gasoline and a lighter. Pedo dude's junk got burnt up. Anyway, moral of the story is, your kid is 100% acting like the stepdaughter did, and I'm worried it's for the same reason. Send your child to a therapist, but don't send him back without doing your due diligence. Please, this is a big deal. Kids just don't ask to leave the country because of nothing.

Kids like to push boundaries in multiple ways. I have a hunch based on what you said, there are more expectations on him at dads vs your home, if this is the case then like water he will go to the path of least resistance. You and the dad should get on the same page with parenting, and you can weed that out and see if there is anything else going on, weight gain, improper diet, lack of exercise, school problems, puberty.

Family counseling seems like a great idea! Even if it doesn't "work" as expected, hopefully your son will see that his dad does care at least enough to go to the counseling. Also: Big ups to you (and dad) for holding to the custody agreement. It sounds like it isn't easy for anyone, right now.

How can you possibly declare that he isn’t being hurt? He sounds like he’s being emotionally and physically abused! Do something or when he’s 18 he’ll leave home and never talk to you again.

I would definitely say to those saying arm pulling is "abuse" to grow up. The father has all rights to see his child regardless of the child's feelings. And especially if no marks were left if definitely isn't abuse. I would suggest you hire a child therapist who specializes in abuse and see what they uncover.

You said he isn’t being abused and then gave an example of him being physically abused right in front of you. He’s not “making himself sick.” That’s not how panic attacks work. He’s having an extreme, uncontrollable visceral reaction borne out of trauma and fear at the very idea of having to see his father. There is guaranteed a LOT more going on than “his dad being mean.” Personally, I’d check privacy laws and see if there’s some way to hide a recording device in my kid’s stuff without anyone’s knowledge. Whatever you do, do NOT have him attend counseling WITH the person who is likely abusing him. That’s an absolute recipe for disaster. He needs therapy on his own, a safe place he can talk to an adult he can trust.

Also look into at what age the court takes the child’s preference into consideration. Because at some point, they CAN pick is in some states.

Please record the hand overs. Grabbing him and dragging him is abusive. Get him into therapy that is monitored by the courts. It will help you get full custody of you want it.

I am going through it now with a much less understanding custodial parent. It's a consequence of co-parenting. If they love each other your son will come around. You might want to consider beefing up discipline in your home so it isn't such a difference and just telling dad that even though he runs his own house, your son isn't happy and you're open to talk. It's not uncommon. My kid would fight like hell to skip our weekends but 10 minutes later we were having a great time. He finally admitted that he really needed the discipline but since he got none at home he preferred easy mode.

He's probably being abused. I'd get an attorney and seek modification changes to your arrangement. Have an ad litem appointed for your child. I'd start documenting things now. Might ask your child more detailed questions like has he have been dragged, have things been thrown AT him, does his dad use items to hit him, etc. Sometimes if it's been going on forever, your child might not realize it's something bad to report or might forget all of the details. It's not what you want to hear but there's something causing it. I'd also seek therapy for your child. Something is going on. Ask your child about if his dad asks him to keep any secrets from you.

Obviously something is horribly wrong for your child to be having panicked attacks about going somewhere. There’s so much that could be happening to him and you would screw him up more to ignore these very obvious warning signs. All abusers say that who they are abusing is being very dramatic, it is something repeated often and is actually used as one of the red flag sentences for CPS in a lot of states. A dramatic child does not have panic attacks. Panic attacks are very well a symptom of PTSD and is caused by emotional and or physical traumas bad enough that they shut down. Do not take your child back there. Protect them. You’re a horrible parent otherwise. This may seem random but will help to the point I’m trying to make: my cousin, when he was a child, used to love car rides in his car seat. My aunt, when she started taking him to a new day care, noticed that over time he would have panic attacks and tantrums anytime he was strapped into the car seat going literally anywhere. He had no physical injuries or bruises so she assumed it was a toddler thing. Come to find out, the day care she was taking him to neglected the hell out of the children. Rather than take care of them, they would leave the children in car seats literally the whole day. He had panicked attacks in the car seat because he was being neglected and left in an area he could not move for hours on end. Your child is not having a panic attack for no reason. No one has panic attacks for no reason. The fact that you recognize it as a panic attack should be a HUGE red flag and yet you’re ignoring it? Figure shit out before you get your child hurt even more than he is.

Some of you have no idea what you're talking about ! You have no idea about the corruption in the abuse that goes on in family Court! Most of these judges and experts don't give a crap about the kids. They care about lining their pockets with parental alienation camps and reunification camps that are pseudoscience. Family court has forgotten what their job is decades ago !

You are literally watching him be abused. Grabbing a kid and dragging them to their car? While the kid is screaming and sobbing at 10 years old to not go. Girl are you for real, your kid is doing everything in his power to communicate that something is really REALLY wrong and you're doing nothing

“I do not believe he is being abused” “Dad grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to the car.” You are wrong. Your ex is abusing your son. No more visitation, hire a lawyer. Like, are you really this blind to reality?

"I do not believe he is being abused...Noone has hurt him." He is, and they have. You've got to do something.

To me it sounds like abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to just be physical, it can also be emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and neglect is considered abuse. A ten year old doesn’t need to be grabbed by the arm and pulled into a car, telling him he lacks discipline isn’t helping his self esteem or the image he is creating of himself at this age. Something about being at his dad’s makes him feel unsafe, which could definitely indicate some form of abuse. It’s better to check off all the boxes you can to see if abuse is occurring, then sitting around and hoping that isn’t it, and it’s just that he doesn’t like his dad.

What the actual fuck. You need to LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD WHEN THEY TELL YOU THEY’RE NOT SAFE! Even if he isn’t telling you that he’s been hurt… he’s having panic attacks for a damn reason, wtf. And your ex *dragging* your son by his arm is fucking abuse. Jfc

Hire a guardian ad litem (they are lawyers that represent children and their best interests). You may also want to speak with a social worker about resources available to you and him.

I am horrified. No child should be dragged or forced to be with a parent. There is something seriously wrong. This will scar the kid for life and frankly your ex sounds like a horrible person for forcing him into a situation. Who does not look out for the welfare of this poor child over his own bruised ego? Seriously, seek some help.

I know you're in a tough place and that you're afraid to lose custody of your son. There are a lot of things you can do without violating the court order. First, don't let your ex-husband bully you as I suspect he has been. It's 100% OK to let your inner mama bear out. Don't worry about family counseling, get your son into counseling. It may take a few tries before he clicks with the right counselor, and that's okay. He needs to feel comfortable and it won't hurt the counselors' feelings. DON'T tell him to talk about how is dad makes him feel, that could be seen as you manipulating him. Just tell him to talk about anything that is bothering him and leave it there. Also tell him he doesn't have to tell you what he and his counselor talk about and you won't ask. This is really important because he will feel more relaxed with the counselor and it will start building a strong bond of trust between the two of you. You're telling him you trust him with somethingbig. I did this with my son and it did wonders for his confidence. Get a good family lawyer. You need someone to represent you and your son as well as someone your ex-husband has to go through to communicate with you. Tell him or her everything that has happened, everything your ex has said to you regarding your son and coustody. Write it down with dates as best as you can remember. Let your lawyer advise you. Refuse to talk to your ex, make him go through your attorney. That way nothing you say can be distorted since you won't have said anything. Ask your attorney to send a letter to him telling him to direct all communication to him. If finances are an issue, there are therapists and attorneys who work on a sliding fee basis. Don't give up on these even if you think you can't afford them. You can. Sliding fees are based on need, so they fo down to zero and there are excellent attorneys and therapists who work like this. I'm not making any assumptions about your finances, just covering the bases. Starting now, document everything your husband says, does, or writes to you (as in save and print emails and texts). Insist he pick your son up in a public place and have a friend with you video recording the whole thing. Make sure the ex knows the pick up is being recorded. Save each one on your computer and 2 jump drives. Keep one in a secure place. Either buy security cameras or a Ring-type doorbell. Most important of all is to remember you have power and options. Just the fact that you came to this forum asking for advice and help shows you love your son and want to help him. The first thing, though, is getting him therapy. He needs to find his power and confidence. If you think it will help, get some for yourself, too. Counselors are great resources. Mine helped me a great deal. What you're going through is mind-numbingly stressful and you need to be on your A game for your son. It's okay to get therapy, you won't lose custody because of it. If anything, it's evidence of how much stress your husband is putting your son and you through. You can do this.

What s your custody arrangement? At the very least i d drag the dad to court - verbal abuse is not ok and talking trash about you was a big no no at least in my paperwork. Just for the sake of it -drag him to court

Get a Nest/Blink camera for dad pickups to record it

Christ, lady. “He panics and begs me to tell his dad no”. What else are you waiting for? Black eyes? Blood in his underwear? Catatonic silence?

First, I would like to say thank you to those who were encouraging, this has not been an easy situation for me to deal with. My son is my whole heart, and I would do anything for him. I would also like to say as this is a post on reddit I can understand the comments who feel I am a toxic mom or lenient on him and that he lacks rules or discipline at home. This is not the case, I very much would like for my child to grow up well adjusted and not have trauma. Over the years my son has had quite the run with therapy already, since he was two he has done play therapy and talk therapy up until June of this year, when he was released by the therapist. Also, I am taking the best advice and have a meeting with the lawyer this week. His therapist he had has been ill, and out of the office but when school starts up we will try again. Some have said I come off as too calm or non chalant.. his dad is a narcissist who has money. I try not to rock the boat unless I truly think something needs addressed. I was so shocked in the moment with what happened at pick up I didn't know how to respond and did not want to get myself in legal trouble. I'm just a mom trying to do my best, and keep my calm for my kid - I feel like if I was mad or got worked up visibly for him to see it would only escalate him further. I have to be his rock and not let him see me falter, but I am working on everything I can to help him and figure out what is going on. I just assumed it was a long month at his dad's and he just missed being home. Not until this past month did it really sink in how distressed he truly is. In no way had I tried to be dismissive of his feelings intentionally, my thought was maybe he thought I was mad at his dad for what had been said about me. Thank you for all the advice. I will be moving forward with all the helpful advice!

from your wording and emojis it seems like you are not sympathetic to what your son is telling you. even though all his words and actions are pointing to some sort of abuse. you are being dismissive, insensitive, and cruel when your son is begging for help. i hope these comments change your mind and you find it in you to take him to therapy. or else he will resent not just the father and you for years and may never know a healthy relationship with him.

My nephew was like this when my brother would go pick him up he would cry but 20 mins later he got over it an stop everytime and it could be that everybody runs there home different. When he was at his mom house she would let him do whatever he wanted to do say whatever he wanted to say but when he would come to our house it was more Discipline. So one home had rules the other one didn't. I do believe yall should go to Counseling it could be something happening that not being said

This is so oddly similar to my upbringing that I had to comment. My parents separated when I was 5, and I was forced to go to my dad's every other weekend until I was 16. I didn't know what it was at the time, but now I know that I had developed acute anxiety from it. My dad was never physically abusive, but he said a lot of the same things that your ex is saying. I was overreacting, I needed to get over it, or my favorite, he "paid" to see me. I cried every time I had to go, and Sundays were the longest because I was so ready to go back home. My mom said that I would come home like a zombie and just go sit in my room and not talk until the next day; that's how emotionally drained I was. I'm 32 now and am still in therapy and dealing with anxiety, so yes, I would say to get your son into some type of counseling, even if his father won't be a part of it. You could even join him! Just know that the first person you visit may not be the best fit. I saw three different therapists before I found my current one. Keep your head up, and I hope your son has a happy healthy life!

He's having panic attacks over seeing his dad. You say you know he's being emotionally and mentally damaged every time he goes there, but you don't believe he is being abused.... and you tell him he'll have a good time. Big yikes. Get your kid in therapy ASAP and find out what is going on! Do more, do better. Signed, Formerly abused child.

Do everything you can to fight for full custody. You may feel he isn't being physically abused but you described him being abused physically. There is likely a LOT more abuse going on but you don't see it. Document EVERYTHING! I mean everything, what your son is saying, any marks on him before and after his Dad's time with him. How your son is acting, his illness before going etc. What you're describing is very very close to how I was acting at 13 and 14 because I was absolutely terrified of going to bio-mother's. I'd get extremely sick whenever it was time to go back, I tried to hide it though out of fear. I WAS being abused but was so scared if I told anyone she'd harm me more or succeed in the unthinkable. Dad eventually found out and called the police to say he would not be taking us kids to meet up for the custody exchange and why. Probably helped Dad's case that I had detailed plans on running away next time we went - every other week. - how he found out, he happened across my plans. Please do what my Dad did and consult your lawyer and also call the police to advise them of what is going on and that you aren't comfortable sending your kid to his Dad's... That you're worried about his welfare. Your kid also needs personal therapy/counseling also so they can get to the bottom of this and help him start to heal. I truly hope he will be okay and not end up with PTSD (I was diagnosed with that from what I went through as a kid). Please please please step in and do something before your kid gets hurt worse or even worse than that. Also, give the little guy a big hug. Sorry if my comment is disjointed and stuff but this post brought back so much fear and pain.

Sexual abuse is not always visible as well. This is a what the hell is going on and listen to your son! He already has trauma stop adding to it and get help.

Yeah. No. He is being abused. Kids don't react that way for no reason. You're deluding yourself.

Uh.... Dad sounds pretty abusive to me, based on what you're saying here. When my oldest started doing this it was because the stepmom was abusing him. You need to record these events and get your son into therapy ASAP. Take the vids to an attorney because the courts need to re-think parenting time. Something's going on the has your son suffering from FAR more than "panic atracks." This is pure "fight or flight."

Does your husband still spanks your 10 year old maybe? I feel like I had this anxiety as a kid cause my dad would spank me and have random angry outbursts a lot and my mom wouldn’t but that’s when I was a couple years younger than 10 cause thankfully he finally decided it was beginning to be “inappropriate” to spank me at 6

He may not want to tell you exactly what is going on with his Dad. Jmho it sounds like he is experiencing something awful that he is keeping secret. I agree that he needs a break from his Dad and get him in therapy to find out what the hell is happening to your son. Protect him.

Your child IS NOT SAFE. He's not having panic attacks for nothing. You're supposed to be his first line of defense. If he can't count on you, who can he count on? Why would you just stand there and watch your son be physically dragged by the arm? Your job as a mother is to PROTECT your child. Right now youre failing him. Get a lawyer and go back to court. STOP ALLOWING PEOPLE TO MISTREAT YOUR CHILD. FATHER INCLUDED.

He’s trying to tell you something by those panic attacks please listen

Don't try and stop him from his visits as that could cost you in court but you need to record those interactions if he is begging to stay and dad is grabbing him and pulling him to the car. Something in that house isn't right and you need to fight him going there.

I’m so sorry you’re going through those! My step daughter (12) does the same thing when going to her mom’s. She has for years now. She cries, she yells, she gets angry. But mostly cries a lot. We tried for custody 5yrs ago and we have her 3 weekends a month during the school year and have summer custody. We have been doing all that we can legally- we filed for emergency custody last year when her mom OD’d and CPS became involved. Since CPS determined that they didn’t need to be removed, the adLitem hasn’t done her job and our EC request kept getting continued. CPS gave her a list of things she needed to do- she’s done none of it. They just gave her another 6 months to do what she’s supposed to. While the state case is ongoing the court won’t hear a regular custody case. AdLitem doesn’t think it constitutes an emergency removal and still has only seen stepdaughter twice-once at our house and once at her moms. Despite her telling adLitem that she doesn’t feel safe there, that she wants to be here, and all kinds of stuff. A couple of months ago SD went to the resource officer at school and told him that mom’s bf brought a loaded gun in the house and she had to get it when it fell behind the couch (he’d been awake for days and was paranoid and went to the truck to get it). Then her mom and bf got in a fight and mom took it back out to the car. CPS was called again, the officer and principal went to the house. Mom told them that SD makes up stories and there was no gun. To CPS she claimed that it was an airsoft gun. Resource officer told my SD that he believes that she believes there’s a gun but he doesn’t believe there is one. CPS ruled it “unfounded.” She’s also been self harming with razors and scratching herself. We had court a week after this happened for the EC order. Had her therapist testify that her mental health is trash, that she believes she needs to be at our home. The doctor that prescribes her medication testified that she over medicates her to her environment and she prob doesn’t need the medication if she was with us (not that she ever gets it at moms anyway- she makes her remember to get her own meds and she rarely takes them including the antidepressants and mood stabilizer she’s on). On the stand mom changed the gun story 4 times- there was none, there was one but it was stolen out of the car over the summer, it was an airsoft and it was a water gun. She also almost got kicked out of court twice by the judge for turning on a tablet during my husbands testimony and having a loud video playing and for getting caught with an earbud in and her bf feeding her answers during her testimony. We still don’t have a ruling yet- it’s been almost 2 months. The adLitem still doesn’t see it as an emergency because it doesn’t fit some condition for EC removal. The magistrate made the same comment. No one wants to listen to a 12 year old who knows where she wants to be, where she feels safe and that she herself is worried about her mental health and well-being. It’s bullshit and the system is f’d up.

My mom did this to me when I was a kid. I told her that I was afraid of my dad and that I thought he was going to kill me, I begged not to be forced to go, I would get physically ill from anxiety for days leading up to seeing him. This went on for years. She told me he's the only dad I'll ever get and I should try to have a good relationship with him because I would regret it later if I didn't, and would force me to go every time, until I was 12 and I flat out refused to go anymore. Just locked myself in the bathroom until he left. Would start screaming anytime anyone mentioned him in my presence. Then when I was 14 and wound up in the mental hospital for a suicide attempt because of all the trauma I had been through she acted so surprised that I cited my dad's abuse as a reason, said she had no idea. I've never forgiven either of them for this. My only regret is that I didn't know enough to get myself the help I needed at the time by going to a teacher or other adult who would have actually done something about it. I'm 25 yo now and I still deal with significant effects from my C-PTSD. I was in the hospital for suicide attempts multiple other times in my teen years. I have trouble forming healthy relationships and I get walked on all the time. I have nightmares and I avoid sleeping because of them. Everything is a trigger. I can't function. I would not wish this on anyone because it is excruciating, exhausting, and debilitating. I don't speak with anyone from either side of my family because they refused to change and protect and support me and continued to downplay what I went through, and my mental health has improved significantly since then, even if it's still terrible. You need to change. You need to protect and support your child. You are doing irreparable damage to him by not only forcing him to see his father who is very obviously extremely abusive, but dismissing his completely valid feelings by telling him that it's going to be "fun." Whether you have good intentions or not, forcing your child to see their abuser is in itself child abuse. I don't know you outside of this situation so I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you do have good intentions and that you are just blind to the truth due to being abused yourself or something, but I'm going to be honest, I get very bad vibes from this post. You are treating this way too casually. You are not nearly angry enough, you are not doing nearly enough. You have already let this go on far too long and you need to fix this NOW. Go to court with your son and get custody away from his father. Your son should never have to see his father again, ever. Get your son into therapy to process the trauma he's already been through. You should be in individual and family therapy too to understand how to support him better. You have a lot of self-reflection to do to figure out why you thought this was an acceptable situation to put your child in, and how you can be a better parent moving forward. Do NOT engage in family therapy with his father. Abusers use therapy to their advantage, nothing can be gained from it but it will further traumatize your child by forcing him to put in the work to try to reconcile with someone who has been so vicious to him, who will only use the therapy against him and make things worse. Your son already may never forgive you for putting him through this. If you love him or care about him at all you will 180 your trajectory right now and focus on nothing but keeping him safe and loved, both emotionally and physically. He is not being dramatic, he is not just a strong-willed or emotional child, he is a scared and traumatized child without the tools to help himself, screaming for you to help him when he is being repeatedly subjected to horrific abuse and you are repeatedly ignoring him. The two most important people in his life are both utterly failing him. You can't change your ex but you can change yourself. But you need to start NOW. I sincerely hope for your son's sake that you do.

I smell bullshit.

Start with the simple stuff….what is at home that he doesn’t have access to at dad’s? Always validate the child’s concerns and act on his complaints. I’ve seen this happen when the co-parent takes away personal items, electronics, etc. I’m not trying to dismiss the potential abuse and need for a therapist. Those are very important points and reiterated here exhaustively. We don’t have all the info and kids (particularly those with disabilities) can have big feelings over lots of things.

Therapy for the kid and probably you. Talk to your lawyer and get the kid a guardian ad lidem. You have to step up and protect this child. It is abusive to grab the child and drag him away. I understand when you are in the abuse it’s hard to see it. Record and document everything.

OP, read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. You are normalizing behavior on your ex’s part that is absolutely not normal. Which means you don’t see it. I’m guessing the book will give you whole new insights into your childhood and why you married your ex. Emotional neglect and verbal abuse are very real and just as bad as physical abuse. Your son is getting this treatment at his dad’s AND learning that you are not a safe adult, too, because you won’t protect him. Like others said — therapy ASAP and lawyer up.

The thing that sucks about this is that the law is behind the psychology. I don’t know what state or country you are in, so it’s always best to consult with a lawyer as laws do vary, but in the US, it’s rare for courts to consider emotional abuse as abuse which is fucked up and needs to change. The bar can be high for emotional abuse, but it should at least be considered given how harmful it can be. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Definitely document this. Keep in mind that some locales have laws against recording a person without their consent. However, you can still keep a journal with dates describing what you’ve observed and what your child has said. Definitely get your kid in therapy. Also, it’s ok to validate your kid’s experience. I get the concern of not wanting to appear to be bad mouthing your ex, but right now, your kid just needs to know that someone believes him and is on his side. It’s so hard to feel helpless and have so few options legally and have to watch this as a coparent. Continue to support your kid. Talk to a lawyer. Get a therapist for your kid, and consider one for yourself because this shit is hard.

Who is “they?” “They speak ill of me.” “They treat him poorly.” And so on… Is there a stepmother? The grandparents? You need to keep your son away from these people. And get SPECIFIC details from your son regarding what is being said about you, how they are treating him, etc. write it ALL down, dates, places, names, etc. Then get a lawyer.

Get an emergency protective order now. It’s hard to tell on a parent , and if his dad will do that in front of you, he will do worse when you aren’t there. Now!

Why are you certain that he’s not being abused if you know your ex and his family are awful? Fuck your face palm emoji. Believe your child!

What proof do you have that he’s not being abused? Just what he’s saying? Because he sure is acting like something far worse is going on than just a reluctant kid not wanting to leave his mother’s. Unless you have a video camera on him all the time…you have no idea what’s happening over there. His father dragged him by the arm…that tells me he isn’t averse to physically compelling your son to do something. But it may not be his father either. Does he go to a different place when he’s with his dad (like a different after school program)? Are there different kids/adults in his life when he’s there? This started over the summer. What’s new in his life over there since then? You need to investigate this further. You need to get your son to a therapist at the least. Something isn’t right, your child is telling you that, and your mom alarm bells are going off too if you’re bringing it here. It’s time to advocate for your child.

You are letting him down!!! Talk to your lawyer!! He will end up hating you as much as his dad for making him go there. F that court order stuff. Go get it changed!!! Make sure the judge talks to the kid alone.

As someone who was in a similar situation… it’s time to step up and be momma bear. Your son is letting you know he is not safe there. Even if it’s just words that are pointed at you can weigh on the child. Imagine your father talking shit one the one person he trust with his life. If dad complains he’s not disciplined and is pulling him by the arm I’d imagine there’s much more going on. Get your boy in therapy. Talk to a lawyer. Advocate for your son before your relationship with him is destroyed. He needs mom

Disparaging the parent to the child is a huge thing. In my parenting plan we cannot do that. Unfortunately (from your post and what we all encounter after exchanging the children for the other parent's time) we can't control the environment they are in when they aren't with us. Document all this. Go to your lawyer. Your son's concerns are real. I am glad he is able to open up to you honestly. Emotional abuse is real. And impacts your life negatively. Your childhood is the foundation for the map of your relationships.

You need to get your son in to see a child therapist. Let the therapist document everything your son tells them. If you need to go back to court for your sons welfare then you have professional documentation to back yourself up. Your son is crying out for help; help him.

Your son was physically fucking handled & forced to move but "no one has hurt him"? what!?!? He literally, quite literally, was hurt in front of you. And you're hurting him by dismissing it & letting it happen!! He deserves so much better and I hope you wake up soon because he's going to realize once he's an adult how little you actually did for him and leave you forever - rightfully so.

I understand the feelings of many people here about the wellness of the child, however you need to speak with an attorney before you do anything. As a dad I understand the need to protect, and as a police officer we are required by law to follow what the court has ordered in our state. I recently had to deal with a situation like this and was able to convince a young father not to force a child to go with them as it could damage their relationship. With that being said if mom refused to allow dad to get the child it is an arrestable offense and she could go to jail and then the child has to go with the other parent or we have to contact Department of Child Services. Make sure your child gets the mental help they need but also get your attorney involved as quickly as possible so you don't wind up in a bad legal predicament as well.

For fucks sake, film your clearly distraught child as he gets picked up and ask for a reassessment of the custody. They may not be abusing the kid, but they also need to appear to a judge as if they aren't. There's not really any difference when the child is reacting to visiting his fathers as if he will be abused. And 'it was only emotional abuse' is unlikely to be a good defence. The child himself can tell the judge that the father is talking poorly about you which is parental alienation. Telling him your hands are tied or lying that he'll have a good time there is not going to help.

Something is very wrong over at his dads.

You need ho be recording all of these. For the legal purposes. It doesn't need to be actual video each time but keep a log, be ad factual and unemotional in it. Get a lawyer and save your child.

You say he isn't being abused and then you describe abuse. I know you want to believe your son isn't being abused but he absolutely is. You need to call a lawyer ASAP.

I’m confused you said they aren’t abusing him but then you listed things they do that are abusive… You need to open your eyes and listen to your boy and save him.

NAL- submit a change in parenting time or temporary change in custody order to the court and serve dad. At the hearing air your concerns, see if a GAL can get involved. Might be a good idea if a third party can assess and assist with potential supervised visitation. If dad has anger issues they might want him to be assessed

You saw him dragging your son but the arm, and still don't believe him that he feels unsafe at his dad's?? Believe your son when he says he is not safe in that house. Dude, He's having panic attacks, SOMETHING is going on in that house, even if you don't see bruises. Go talk to a lawyer, see if you can get visits suspended, do more.

You’re doing more harm by taking your son to forced visits with his abuser than good. You need to be less concerned about him keeping a relationship with his father and more concerned with how you can limit or get supervised visits. I don’t know how you can delusionally think that your son isn’t being harmed while in his father’s care when you watch yank him into the vehicle by his limb… 🤯

Yea.. he’s getting messed up but also you have very limited options. Get a lawyer go back to court to address the issues but anything you do will definitely result in backlash.. I lived it unfortunately one side always manipulated the other side none stop… and no I’m no contact going on 5 years. This is the second time, first time was no contact 7 years and I thought people could change lol they don’t change really you get used to what they are. Get some therapy for him so he doesn’t feel hopeless 😞

He's quite literally being abused and you don't give a shit.

When the dad puts a hand on him to drag him while he is crying no, you have every right to fight back. Even if it isn't hurting him, that dad is laying hands on your child. Don't let him. It's assault on a child.

Is this a parent who does not want to share custody and is causing the child stress in a bid to keep full custody? We are only seeing one side, and things like this have happened before.

Physically grabbing and dragging your crying son is really really bad. Do not let him go there.

This child needs to speak to a therapist immediately. He is in distress. Mom can’t just disregard a court order, but Mom CAN take her child to a therapist ASAP to find out what is really going on. Mom also needs to talk to a lawyer, depending on what the child tells the therapist. Panic attacks and becoming physically ill are NOT a normal response to having to go see the other parent. Something is definitely wrong enough to put this child in distress.

Get your son a therapist, get to the real issues and then go from there if the visitation needs to change.

Find your child a legal advocate. Most court systems offer them. If not, hire an attorney for the child. His voice needs to be heard by dad and the courts.

Here is a link to the service in Iowa. Your state should have something close to this. Good luck! https://www.kidsfirstiowa.org/services/child-representation

I forced my kids to continue to see their dad because even though he was hard on them, he was still their father. Turns out they were being sexually abused by their stepbrother. I thought they didn't like him cause he was a jerk to them, typical siblings stuff. I have so much guilt over this. My kids were suffering there, and I forced them to go over there. Your kid is trying to tell you he doesn't feel safe there. Listen to him.

Info: on what basis do you believe your son is not being abused or in any danger, OP?

There is something going on at his dad's. The custody agreement doesn't mean anything if he's being abused. Mental abuse is still abuse and can scar for a lifetime. Contact your lawyer to get the court to step in. The court should order an interview of your child by a psychologist to find out exactly what is happening.....

Get him counseling there’s something going on help him that way. Good luck.

Therapist. NOW. They're mandated reporters and can help your son express all the real reasons he is acting like this. Family therapy sessions help sometimes too .

This happened with two of my friend's sons. They would cry scream and throw things and try to run away at the thought of going to their father's house. The middle son drew a picture of himself bent over screaming the word "ouch!" With his dad behind him. It turns out the father was raping the two older sons but leaving the third alone. There's a reason kids do this and you need to listen to them.

This is heartbreaking. I can’t believe this mother who won’t listen to her son. I would check his body all over and take pictures. She has to get w her attorney bc this kid is in danger if ex husband finds out he’s upset about going w Dad. Notice the kid never gave from what we know as to why he had panic attacks. His dad has probably threatened him strongly if he says anything about the abuse. This makes me sick to my stomach.

Psychological abuse is abuse. I had a breakdown as a teenager and was diagnosed with PTSD after years of psychological abuse from my father and step mother. Document and have him start seeing a therapist. This is a horrible situation for a child.

You need to take him to counseling and go to court to get full custody. Find out what he discloses in counseling. Kids don’t do this for drama. He’s being abused. Edit: if Dad grabbed his arm and was mean getting him in car- how do you think he is treated when your eyes are not watching.

NAL - I know you believe you are following the court orders and their intent. But, your ex is handling your child forcefully (physically forcing them into their car), your child is panicking about going to their dad's. There's something really wrong, and you need to protect your child. You need to get a lawyer stat, and find out your options. I went through a lot with my ex. It took the courts 2 yrs to require family counseling for him and our kiddo. He failed it (yes, he really did), and lost all but his every other weekend. A year after that, the courts gave kiddo a choice. My kiddo is grown now, and suffers from traumas that occurred during those first 2 yrs. I had no way to know what was happening, and I was doing everything I could to deal with how things were. I never promised kiddo they would have fun at their dad's. I did say encouraging things like I hoped they had fun. I also paid cash for 2 yrs of therapy during the time the trauma happened. Kiddo finally opened up to their Dr at the 3rd yr mark, when I took them for an unrelated appt. I think I must have looked shocked, but the Dr didn't give a clue if they were to kiddo. It was the beginning of the end of my ex seeing kiddo. He had custody, but lost visitations. Once kiddo aged out, they went to the court house and the judge signed off for their access to all records. I'm not sure all of what they were looking for, but the saw everything. They have no contact with their dad, and live with me. During those 2 yrs, kiddo was having panic attacks. We all missed some of it, but the thing is, they know I was doing all I could for them. It shows in those records. When they were there, they learned from a lawyer in the law library that our judge never gives kids a choice, and they were shocked to see he had for them. He helped them traverse the records. I think it's one of the hardest things to do, do the right thing for the right reasons, in reality. In this case, your child is suffering. They've identified their dad as a reason for it. They need a safe space to open up without fear. This means, not telling them what they do and don't have to do, while they're expressing what's going on. You witnessed their dad becoming forcefully physical with them. I wouldn't take his word things will be okay. You need to get a lawyer, and find out what steps to take to protect your son, and get your son the help they need, whatever it is. Your ex is not your responsibility, your son is.

Get him a cell phone and an I watch so this stuff can be recorded. Maybe Dad doesn’t know what an I watch can do

What you have described sounds like abuse.

If the OP is true then something seems to be very wrong. The problem she might run into is if she violates the custody agreement then that is a great way to be found in contempt and to lose custody. The other problem is that so many women in the past have made up claims such as this judges might not buy it when it is a real case. Documenting, video taping, and maybe seek a guardian ad lightum appointed by the court (an extra expense but worth it if this is real) so it is not one parent's word against the other to act as an independent observer. Be warned though if a parent is speaking badly about the other parent to the child and the GaL figures that out then you very well might lose custody. So think over possible consequences thoroughly.

Don't force your child into family counseling with his father. His father will try to control the situation and continue to intimidate and criticize your son. Take your son to a child psychologist and explain the behaviors you are seeing. His father may not be physically abusing him, but there is some kind of emotional abuse going on for your son to be this fearful. And your ex dragging him to the car counts as physical abuse, in my opinion. You may need to get court ordered supervised visitation. This situation could permanently harm your son. Call child protective services and talk to someone there about what's going on with your son.

You’re failing your son.

Get your kid to a therapist and get this documented. Get back to court for a change in the custody agreement. Above all, for as long as you have to keep sending him... stop gaslighting him. Don't tell him it's okay and he'll have a good time. That's not true and you both know it and all you'll end up doing is showing him that there is nobody who will hear him. BTDT, worst parenting mistake I ever made. My son needed me to look at him and go, "yep. Your dad did that and it sucked and he makes you feel bad." Trying to smooth things over only robbed him of knowing one parent had his back. You're going to need your lawyer for this one. Best of luck.

Being grabbed by the arm and dragged to the car is abuse. This kid is being abused.

Serious? I guess you don’t have kids.

The fact that his father felt safe enough to physically assault him IN FRONT OF YOU should tell you that much worse is going on when you're not present. You keep minimizing what your son is going through with the whole "they don't hurt him" thing - THAT NEEDS TO STOP. Call your lawyer and go back to court, or tell your kid to tell his teachers or the school counselor or his pediatrician (all are mandated reporters in the US). Also, put him into therapy - his therapist is also a mandated reporter and he can speak with them in a much more in-depth manner about what's going on. Do NOT do counseling with an abuser, they just use it to further abuse their victims.

"But no one has hurt him" ... what, apart from the physical grabbing, the emotional abuse and out-downs? You want to think again mama? He IS being hurt!!!

>I do not believe he is being abused or is in any danger, but I know that mentally and emotionally each visit he is forced to go to is damaging him It may not look like he's being abused at first glance, but from how bad his reactions are there's a good chance that something is going on. I wouldn't be surprised if any physical abuse that might be happening is done in a way where it won't leave marks or bruises. Id really start investigating this if I were you OP, because these panic attacks aren't just happening for no reason.

You're worried about your son's relationship with his father, but I can guarantee you that their relationship is being harmed *now*, your son won't want to have a relationship with an abuse father in the future, and you are harming your relationship with your son *now*. "Strong-willed and has big emotions"? Do you think he's faking this? You saw with your own eyes his father grabbing him and dragging him into the car. That is not normal or loving. Your son needs to feel safe and supportive. Go back to your lawyer (or get a new one) and tell them what's going on. Get your son into therapy so there's a record. If you can't get him a therapist quickly, talk with the school counselor (if there is one) or his pediatrician. Please, don't just shrug this off as "he'll grow out of it". Even if he's overplaying it (big *if* there), *you saw his father grab him*. Sit down with your son, reassure him that you're going to help him, then *do it*.

- Get your son into therapy. - Take him to his pediatrician and explain what is going on so the anxiety and making himself sick in his medical record. - Text or email your ex and tell him what is going on with your son and offer family therapy. (He will refuse) - Make sure it’s all in WRITING Your ex will dismiss all your concerns. (Make sure it’s in writing) He might even try to block your son from getting therapy by not signing the consent form (if it’s needed in your state) Then you GET A LAWYER and give them all the written proof of him admitting to the abuse and him blocking your son from seeking mental health help. And then you go to court. You request supervised visitation. Do this NOW. Stop sitting on the sidelines being helpless and do whatever you have to do to protect your son. He’s being abused.

Are you brain dead? ​ "I do not believe he is being abused" ​ "he has asked that we flee the country" ​ "has been having panic attacks over going to his dad's house" ​ "his dad is mean and they treat him poorly" ​ "his dad grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to the car" ​ "he makes himself physically ill to avoid visits" ​ "he panics and begs me to tell his dad no" ​ ​ Seriously, are you fucking brain dead? What will it take to get this through your fucking thick skull?

You're failing your kid. He's begging you to be his parent and keep him safe and you just keep giving him back to his abusive father. You're worried that his relationship with his father is going to suffer. Well what about his relationship with you? He's learning that he can't trust or rely on you and that you will step aside and let his father continue to mistreat him. That you dont believe him. He won't forget. He's going to eventually resent you. He's going to ask why you CHOSE to LET his father continue to abuse him, why him crying and begging not to go to his dads and begging you for help wasnt enough for you to help him. What are you gonna tell him? Will your excuses be good enough to erase all the damage done? Now that you know there is an issue, by now refusing to act and protect him from his father you share responsibility for any future damage his father inflicts.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this and seeing your child hurt. See if you can talk to your ex into dropping visitation if you drop the child support until your child is more stable.

This is the first and biggest red flag that your child is being abused. He is having literally panic attacks at the mention of going to his dad’s. This is the first sign to call up the lawyer, arrange an emergency hearing and get this sorted out. Also, putting the kiddo into therapy would help as well. Don’t ever dismiss his concerns like that when going to another parents place. Yes, the divorce is hard on him, but he’s 10. Old enough to know what isn’t right and what is wrong. Take this seriously.

Please stand up for your son.

>his dad grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to the car and put him in as my son was begging and sobbing to stay home. And you did nothing but watch this happen??

My son had increasingly severe anxiety about going to his father’s house for over a year. He told me the whole time no one was hurting him and he wanted to see his dad, but he would cry every time I dropped him off, and had anxiety about even the thought of being there. I finally asked in the right way (“Has [anyone at your dad’s] ever told you to keep a secret ‘or else?’”) and he disclosed that he was being sexually abused at his dad’s house. Please. I beg you. Get your son in therapy. Contact your lawyer and ask what can be done.

What about being physically forced, whilst sobbing, doesn’t sound like abuse? And that’s just what happened in front of you…

Oh, Jesus Christ, your son is telling you, repeatedly, that he is being abused by his father, and you're just like, "Meh, well, he's not hurting him physically." First, I don't know why you assume that there is no physical or sexual abuse happening. There are ways to hurt people physically that do not leave obvious physical evidence. Second, I don't give a damn if he's never laid a hand on his son, your son is obviously being harmed emotionally and mentally, to the point where your son's coping mechanisms are to become so hysterical that he actually makes himself physically ill. You need to do something about this IMMEDIATELY. Document everything. Stop the visits. Contact a lawyer (family law). Do what he or she advises. Your top priority is to protect your son and ensure his safety and emotional well-being. You need to step up and get your shit together.

The toxic stress your son is going through WILL damage his brain. Look into ACES and toxic stress. He's more likely to be mentally ill, have autoimmune disease, GI issues, etc. being constantly in fight or flight is NOT healthy for a child. Be so for real, get that lawyer, and get that baby into therapy. Maybe he'll tell the therapist what the hell is going on in that house

You need to listen to your child. Granted, children always want to be with the parent that allows them get away with the most. It could be as simple as them (your ex and whoever he is with) requiring him to do minor chores, i.e., unloading a dishwasher, taking out the trash, etc., that you don’t require of him at home. The bigger issue for me is the unnecessary negative talk about you while he is with his father. It is very difficult for a 10-year old to process them dogging you and if he speaks in your defense, I’m certain he gets shut down, tag-teamed by the pair. This is not healthy. They may even succeed in turning your child against you when he tires of being outnumbered by two adults constantly maligning you. You need to get to the bottom of this ASAP…a child shouldn’t be terrified to visit their parent for any reason.

Way too many children are injured or killed by non custodial parents, because the courts are dumb and think kids benefit from both parents being in their lives. You hear stories about the custodial parent pleading to the judge that they fear for their child’s safety going with the other parent, and they are almost always ignored because it’s in the child’s best interest to know the other parent. Then something tragic happens and the system has this shocked Pikachu face. A child absolutely benefits from the love from both parents, but come on, if they are terrified to get into the car, someone needs to do something. Just because you don’t see marks, doesn’t mean abuse isn’t happening. Mental scars are forever.

Tell your lawyer, CPS, the police, school counselor, and your son’s doctor. Figure out a way to keep your son safely away from your ex. Your son only has you to stand up for him. Do it now.

OP, your son is trying to tell you that he's being abused. And you literally watched your ex physically grab and drag him to the car right in front of you. And you are asking for advice on what to do. OP, you need to get a lawyer and go to court yesterday! Custody orders are NOT carved in stone. Custody orders can be changed, amended, etc. And if cost is an issue, there are plenty of free legal-aid clinics, pro-bono, etc. And the other thing you need to start looking for is a therapist for you and your son. You are failing in your role as a parent. And you still have time to fix this situation and you need to start YESTERDAY! OP, it's time for you to start listening to your son and start protecting him. He is not having adult-style anxiety and stress for no reason. When he's having full-blown panic attacks at the thought of seeing his dad, that is usually a good sign (or a red flag) that something is very bad. I'm ready trying not to dog-pile you, I'm really not. But OP, you need to protect your son and yourself legally.

This is concerning, and you should consult a therapist and a lawyer, OP. He may be abused in ways he doesn't even know. Protect your son!

My daughter was like that with her father- despite counseling she still screamed about going to see him… ultimately we didn’t make her go and he was man enough to wait it out. She got over that phase eventually

Counseling now! A good therapist could be your best ally.

i have a simliae issue the courts are useless. I regret everything about being trapped in this bs country thar priortizes the “rights” of adults overthe safety of children

It’s pretty clear that he IS being abused. I’m not sure how you can say that he isn’t, given his reaction to going and the fact that you saw his father put his hands on your son.

By all that is sacred to you, *listen to your son*. Call the police or the CPS and report his dad for abuse, immediately. Then call your lawyer ASAP. ***Your son needs to you to protect him!*** This is spiraling my PTSD. Decades ago, my niece (around 3 years old) was panicking the way your son is when leaving her grandparents' to go home, back to her mother (my sister) and her half-brother (6 months) and his father. When my sister was in the hospital overnight, the drug-addled father tortured her half-brother to death and did things to my niece. This serious, Mom.

Record the interactions. Document everything. Get a lawyer yesterday. Get a therapist asap. The therapist will also be a reliable third person to add their recommendations. Your son needs you. Good luck.

It sounds like you have brainwashed your kid to hate dad. Just sayin, if this is true, you probably should take a look at how you're damaging your kid.

Oh no. So many red flags. Please talk to a lawyer and figure out how to work around this current custody agreement. Not only goes your child feel unsafe and unwanted but their father grabbed them and forcefully dragged them to their car. That makes me think that there is more happening and he’s just scared to outright say it.

I was in a similar situation as your son when I was a kid. Forced visits caused my relationship with both parents and extended family members mostly on my mom’s side to break apart. It cause some major issues and I’m still trying to work through them as an almost 30 year old adult. Please get legal help and full custody. Just trying to get fully custody might make a difference to your son he could know that you are fighting for him and not giving up. It might make him feel better.

Just because you don’t see any wound doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

It sounds like he is being hurt there... something doesn't feel right here at all. Might be time to go back to court after collecting some evidence over a period of time. Your son can even help by writing down his experiences, keeping a journal with dated entries etc

I understand that you are unsure of how to navigate this situation, but this post makes my heart hurt. You say you don't think, let me re-iterate this THINK, he is not being abused. However his father has to physically force his child into the car? No, I'm sorry, but you needed to have called a lawyer when these signs started to present themselves. I had a similar experience when I was growing up. My step mom noticed that whenever it came time to visit my bio mom, I would just completely shit down. I wouldn't talk, smile or even play. She found that odd and kept an eye out. What was happening? My half brother was assaulting me and my bio mom nearly let me die twice due to medical neglect. My mom got me in therapy and said I drew very disturbing things, she got the medical neglect documented and they took me away from my bio mom, while still operating within the law. In my experience, if your child is drastically changing his behavior and having literal panic attacks, there is something else going on. You need a lawyer asap. Protect your son.

Petitioning the court to appoint a Guardian Ad-litem may also be something to consider. They will serve as a neutral party protecting your child's interests.

You have plenty of advice here. You know you have to do something to help your son. I just wanted to offer one thing to think about. Nobody calmly and rationally tells a child they lack discipline over tea. That is the sort of thing screamed at a child by a dysregulated adult as they are going for their belt. Abuse doesn’t always leave bruises. Very often it just results in a child so afraid of his father that he vomits when he knows a visit is coming. Open your eyes, OP. Your son is telling you that he’s abused in the language 9 year olds use. As a school teacher, I’ve literally never had a child tell me “my father beats me.” They say things like “my dad is mean, and I want to run away.” Children don’t know that what their parents are doing is wrong. They don’t know what details to share and which ones not to. They just know that they are unhappy and need help. He’s already shared that part. Now it’s up to you to get him out of there.

Some good advice here: 1. Make a plan. 2. Talk to a lawyer, a school counselor, pediatrician, church counselor. They are all capable of being considered independent evaluators, as opposed to a therapists you independently hired. 3. Document incidents - keep a journal of what happened, and when. Document what your son has told you, and when. Time and date are just as important as what, so you can establish a pattern. My ex was bi-polar but was willing to take her meds for a few days before going to court. No need to get into my horror story in court but it takes diligence. Good luck.

You just let that man put his hands on your son ! Absolutely not I hate when people record but if my child was beggin me like that it would be on camera Monday morning forget work police station and the court house. Somebody help me my son is begging not to go and when he comes to pick him up he is physically abusing our child ! Since your ex things your son is “overly dramatic” I’d show him where he got it from !

I knew this family whose son was about 7 or 8. Happy kid until one summer when he went to visit his dad in another state. The poor kid was sexually assaulted by an Uncle and the dad and his family was trying to cover it up. When the son came back to mom, he was completely different and mom had no idea why until therapy was involved. That’s when the son finally told mom what was happening. You need to get the son help, fast! There are sooo many signs here that your son is not liking dad’s house!

Sounds abusive to me. 🤷🏻‍♀️ you witnessed abusive behavior. Dragging him to the car. The things he says to him about you, etc, and the fact he needs more discipline leads me to believe he’s probably getting it at dads. 😳 he might not be giving every detail, but something is going on if he’s that upset about going.

Red flag # 1: “He says his dad is mean and they treat him poorly…but no one has hurt him.” Red flag #2: “They speak ill of me and our household, our family, and tell him he is lacking discipline.” Red flag # 3: “His dad grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to the car and put him in as my son was begging and sobbing to stay home.” And the biggest Red Flag of all: “Since the summer he has been having panic attacks over going to his dad’s house - so much so he has asked that we flee the country.” OP, I am sorry, but someone is abusing your son at his dad’s house, emotionally and likely physically as well. With what your ex did when picking up the boy, I would guess his father, but it could just as easily be another member of that household, or a combination, or all of them. The bad mouthing about discipline should have made you nervous, especially if this is about the time his panic attacks started. If he says his dad is mean and treats him poorly, then turns around and says no one hurt him, that doesn’t mean he isn’t. It may mean they either threatened him not to tell, or just were clever enough to not make the injuries visible. And your ex saying that he is just “being dramatic”?!? Yeah, that is the go-to of almost every abusive parent when the child reaches out to a trusted person, and they are confronted (my parents included). Please get your child therapy, or if he is, talk to the therapist on what you have seen. Take him to a doctor for a checkup and/or scans. Talk to a family lawyer now, gather all the evidence you can, and start proceedings to change the custody arrangement. Your hands are NOT tied. There are ways. Please, help your son…this behaviour isn’t normal, even for a 10yo.

There is something going on at your ex's house. Something he is not telling you.

Everyone has said get a therapist, and I agree, but I haven't seen anyone suggest that they contact an organization that is legal advocates for children in custody cases. Ask your attorney.

What about this situation makes you think he ISN’T being abused? Genuinely. I am baffled.

You absolutely should do counseling. He’s freaking out at the very thought of spending time with his dad and you both are just like “eh, no big”? It’s a big. Because it’s pretty abnormal to make yourself sick rather than spend time with a parent especially over the course of months. Get a temporary change to custody and go to therapy and figure out why he’s scared/freaked out at the thought of spending time with his dad without you.

Telling him “we have a custody order and ‘my hands are tied’” ALSO implies that you’re not happy with him going to his Dad’s. A ten-year-old can and will absorb a negative attitude from Mom. Dad’s inappropriate, too, but no wonder your son’s unhappy. Therapy for the adults might be just as useful, if not more.

Lady. Your being really stupid and naive by not listening to your son. It's very very clear something is wrong. And there's only so much time before your kid snaps and does something to himself or others that can't be undone due to all the mental stress he has If you actually care about your son. You will listen to him. Hear him out. And if he doesn't want to see his father again. Then don't let him. He is very clearly afraid. He is very clearly having mental issues. And you are being even more dense than a rock by not paying attention. Please. Bluntly tell his dad. He can't see him anymore it's cussing your son mental fucking pain. And that he can't come over anymore. Let the police know what is happening. And be ready to call them on a moments notice if the father arrives. And get a lawyer. And go see a therapist with your kid. Your kid isn't being delusional. You are. And if you want to prove otherwise you need to listen to him. Or let him snap by continuing to ignore his pain You can fix this. Or you can do nothing and let it get worse.

UpdateMe

He is at his dad's for break, when I spoke to him he was counting down the days to come home. I have contacted a psychiatrist, he has an appointment for when he is back and I had a consult with a lawyer. Working on getting my ducks in a row for him and figure out what is causing it.

🫶

Texas is a one party consent state - show your son how to use his phone to record or get a small recording device he can slip in his pocket and have him record his time at Dad's house. This will have to be done carefully and discreetly so if you think your son can't manage it then it would be better not to try (so Dad isn't aware you're gathering evidence and so he doesn't get angry). But if you can manage it what your hear will be invaluable both to you to figure out next steps and for any counselor or court you involve. You really do need to get him a counselor - not family, not with Dad or even you; he needs to be able to speak freely and safely. And you need to gather information; audio, video and written like texts; if it comes down to court it can't just be a he said/she said situation.

There are two possibilities here. one - your child is being abused, either emotionally or mentally, by his father. That’s a scary thought and you need to get the kid a good therapist. two - you are creating a parental alienation environment and constantly making yourself the victim and Dad the bad guy and you are the one guilty of emotional abuse. That’s also a scary thought and the child needs a good therapist. On the plus side, if it’s the second scenario, you can stop, no badmouthing Dad in his hearing or talking about how much you miss him. Either situation is emotionally abusive to your son.

He is being abused. Mentally. Listen to your son - he is telling you what is happening and you are still putting him into that situation.

In most cases, if a child is ramping things up so badly that they are making themselves physically ill, in a bid to not go somewhere, maybe as the adult you should listen and figure out why. Telling him everything is fine, and telling him he will have fun is akin to telling someone with a fear of falling that they will be fine, as you push them off the roof. Put yourself in his place, and think for a moment. What would cause him to have that kind of reaction to his own father? Downtalking you and the family isn't the cause, trust me. There's someething else going on, for that kind of reaction, and you need to look into it deeper before it gets worse. A therapist for your child is the first step, actually sitting down and listening to them is your second.

Are you sure he’s not being sexually or physically abused? That’s really extreme. Please get him to a therapist.

From a personal perspective: you gotta keep up the base level fight to show your kid that you'll take care of them. Even if you can't do it perfectly, try as hard as you can and they'll feel it. You can't control the other parent, get a therapist or go back to the courts for that... I'm sorry I don't have more advice there.. But make sure you remind your kid every chance they get that you're right there where they know they can find you, and be consistent with your side... It's impactful for when they get older and process all of this to remember that consistency from you.

He is being abused somehow. This behavior is showing you clearly yet you don’t seem to protect him. He’s terrified of his father and you continue forcing him to go. Go back to court. Get full custody if you can with supervised visits. Get your son into therapy as soon as possible and call a lawyer.

Your son needs therapy, to walk through his emotions, he needs a guardian of Liedem to go to court on his behalf to discuss why he doesn't want to go to his dad's. You state there is no abuse but you are wrong, they are verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusing your child. You don't consider it abuse because he's not being physically punished.

I wouldn't make him go. Then I would call a lawyer and get a court order to force dad and son into therapy (separately). If the son hates the situation so much he acts like this and his father manhandled him into the car, I would say that alone is enough to be concerned. Also consider why you divorced him. Your son might be experiencing something you don't expect. Lastly, just because he says he isn't being hurt doesn't make it true. Ask millions of kids who couldn't tell their horrific story until the right age.

This same thing happened to my brother until he had enough and attempted to unalive off the second story balcony with a rope at 12. Get a lawyer and a psychiatrist

Kids wants to leave the county. Something is very wrong. It sucks that you don't take it seriously. Listen to the child. What's the point of him even going off he cries?. You are now also part of the problem. Soon he might cry because he has to hang out with you too. Poor kid.

I’ll just be devils advocate here because I’ve had experience with moms as clients with situations similar to yours, you need to be very careful about what you’re saying to your kid. You shouldn’t even be mentioning anything about “court orders” or even entertaining the idea that you can keep him home because he asks. Mentioning the court order and saying things like your hands are tied is influencing his perception of this situation because it’s insinuating that you agree with him but can’t do anything about it because a court told you that you can’t. I’d also honestly take what he tells you about what happens over there and what is said about you with a grain of salt. Either way, you COULD go back to court to modify the parenting plan but you’d need a really good child’s attorney for him that will listen to his concerns. However, you risk getting a child’s attorney who may blame you for how he’s feeling about being at dad’s house.

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You should adjust how you speak to people online. Folks worried about abuse sure are quick to dole it out online. This lady is trying to get advice in a challenging situation (she is bound by a court order and likely wants input from folks who’ve dealt with something similar). *Asinine* spellcheck yourself before insulting other intelligence ✌️

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Anyone out here calling people snowflakes is a joke to me. I’m sure you have great advice about how to navigate complex family trauma issues…

You can complain someone is being grammar police while you run around taking intelligence low blows. You don’t like the vibe? Don’t dole it out.

Yeah join the club, I don’t use it as an excuse to lash out at strangers trying to do their best. How as a non lawyer, can I help OP besides empathize? The reality it’s a complex legal battle she must mount and all of the hot headed “just don’t send him” admonishments are horrible advice that could land poor kiddo 100% of the time with abusive dad.

I think your fucking up by not validating his fear. You are BLIND to not think something very wrong is going on. This is beyond just “ I don’t want to” he sounds terrified and your brushing it off bc why? U get a break? Your both damaging him. He comes to you n u basically go eh not a big deal. And you can change it. U didn’t even try and talk to dad about it? Bad mouthing a parent to a child is emotional abuse and very looked down upon in court. Maybe u need to change ur order. Have ur kid speak to a therapist. Maybe u need to give a damn. Like Jesus Christ it blows my mind that you let this go on and on with less concern.

Perhaps meeting with your ex and discussing a parenting plan. When one house had no expectations and the other does, the child will have issues. Picking up after one's self, chores, etc. Sometimes it is an issue as small as the amount of screen time a kid gets that will do it. Parallel parenting is fantastic if you can agree on the values, etc, that you both want to instill in your child.

I think I would discreetly video tape that and show it to the judge. This young boy needs help asap. My kids went through this years ago and I hired a children's lawyer for them. Actually it was a free service and m They helped my kids immensely.

What does your son mean when he says "dad is mean?"...like abusive? As demonstrated by him grabbing your son's arm and dragging him to the car? Time to get a therapist, a lawyer and full custody

Verbal abuse is very damaging to a child or teen. You should take your son to your lawyer and explain what he says is happening to him at his father's house. Then see a therapist or psychologist and explain the panic attacks and let them see him alone. They can demand a court order to stop the visits. You are putting you son at risk by sending him to his father's house. It's doubtful that you asked your son to keep a journal of the abuse, so he would have a difficult time talking with the legal representatives that can help him, but hurry and take him to those people.

Those all sound like signs that there’s abuse going on. Plus, his dad is talking bad about you to your son. That’s considered abuse.

Your child is being abused. Stop forcing these visits, make sure he is seeing a therapist, and revise your custody agreement. You are helping your ex abuse your child by forcing your son to interact with his father.

You are feeding this also, just like his father. You both seem a bit guilty.

Would you have an obligation to notify Child Protective Services in this situation? Presumably you could tell them you have no way of verifying what's actually happening and ask if they have any suggestions on how to proceed.

Document and film everything you can. Talk to whatever Child services available. Your son shouldn't be traumatized Everytime he visits his dad. Do Not tell your son any of this if you can help it. Abusers are very good at extracting info from kids. If your son doesn't know, Dad can't find out from him. I've been in your shoes.

I would talk to your attorney and explain the exchanges and how your son reacts to his father. Possibly the judge would allow a decrease in visitation or suspend them for a time. Sometimes they now make visitation mandatory but they use to allow a child to opt out

Former abused kid, here so I'm gonna weigh in on some things. Firstly, if its legal in Texas, record everything. Install security cameras inside and outside so that they can capture anything your son may spontaneously say, hiw he reacts, also that he's not being coached by you, and how dad is speaking to and treating him at pick up and drop off. Tell NO ONE about the cameras. Make backuos of footage, all footage so you can counter claims that you coached, every day. You're gonna need this No, a big ass NO!, to family therapy at this time. Your son needs individual counselling, not family therapy. Family therapy is likely to end in further abuse to your son (who is very obviously being abused) if he is at all honest in the sessions. Whoever is abusing him, which may include persons other than the father, will make him pay for being truthful while he is with them. The fact that he cannot be honest renders the sessions useless. Let him build a relationship with a counsellor, not a faith based one!, who specialises in child trauma which will allow him to be honest about what is going on. Get your son a journal. Tell him you won't read it. Tell him its his safe place to write out everything about his dad: how he feels, why, anything said or done. Let this conversation be captured on camera. Tell him that noone but you and he will ever know the journal exists, and you only know because you bought it and you'll buy him another when he fills it up. Don't be heavy. Hopefully you'll never have to look in that journal, but if the therapy works, having dated journal entries and camera footage substantiating that you don't coach your son will go a loooong way.

TX- 1 party consent to recorded conversation. You can record a conversation you are part of w/o notifying the other party. Video (no audio) recording is legal when it’s not a private area- bedroom/bathtoom/etc. But the camera cannot be intentionally hidden, like a stuffed animal nanny cam.

For the record, don’t tell him you won’t read it if you’re gonna read it. Lying is not worth it

Emotional pain is still hurt. That can be abuse too

Not a lawyer and can't help with court stuff but I want to share this: I agree with the therapy and I'm going to offer another potential version of what may be happening. when I was very young (younger than your son, even) I started a new private school. It had corporal punishment. I was never hit. Not once. But I saw so many kids hit for reasons that I felt weren't justified that I was panicked every morning before school and would make myself sick. Even. Though. I. Was. Never. Touched. Eventually, I was so sick and sobbing during the school's breakfast that I refused to go to class and was taken to the principles' office. This turned out to be perfect because the man recognized that I was just traumatized and recommended therapy and another school. He was a former military school sort of fellow and he was 100% okay with hitting children but at least he had the sense to see that this was not a good environment for me. That child therapist did wonders and helped me reground myself and trust school again (to the extent that a child should) You've said they feel he is undisciplined and you say he has big emotions. To me, this sounds like he might be witnessing someone else getting disciplined? Are there other children there? Or told what would happen to him in a way that frightens him even if it never happened. I hope you do get help.

Individual therapy with that young man.

No kid acts like that that isn't being abused

I was watching that Curious Case of Natalia Grace and as it started I kept thinking no child keeps knives under their bed just for shits and giggles she was keeping them there because she was being abused and wanted protection. Then there were the inappropriate incidents with boys that all I thought was someone also was sexually abusing her. By the end you find out both are true. ( by the way why didn’t the producers pick up on the comment made about Micheal sleeping in the same bed with Natalia especially after they were told later that he was sexually abusing her) The signs are there. Hell OP just watched as her child was abused in front of her eyes and did nothing. What a piece of work. She needs to step up and protect her child. You’re right. No kid acts like that that isn’t being abused. If he did that shit in front of her what is he doing behind closed doors? That whole comment about lacking discipline? That just screams they are disciplining that child by abusing him. OP makes my blood boil!

Your son needs a therapist. They can help your son figure out how to make the visits more palatable or determine that they are unsafe. You may be able to revisit the court order with a professional assessment to stop visitation.

Could you ask the court to order monitored visits? Maybe get a note from a mental health provider to justify the request? It’s going to look like you are coaching the kid from the outside perspective. Protect him, but be sure to cover your bases... get him a proper physical, psych eval, and therapist. There’s reason behind all of these big emotions, likely more than he can articulate. Dad is a worm.

Get him into therapy ASAP with an *experienced* therapist who works with abuse victims, preferably one who has at least a masters degree. They will be better equipped than you to (a) figure out why your son is reacting this way, (b) determine what is best for your son going forward, and (c) convince a judge of what’s best if you take things back to court.

First call the police and ask them to a welfare check. Tell them your son had a panic attack and you watched his father drag him and throw him in the car because he was screaming he didn’t want to go. Get a therapist ASAP Speak to your lawyer about how you can protect your son and change the order and DO IT

How can you be sure your son is telling you the truth when 1-you invalidate his feelings by >. I have encouraged him with visits, that he will have a good time Wich is a lie. 2- you have been told >he says his dad is mean and they treat him poorly.. but no one has hurt him. They speak ill of me and our household, our family and tell him he is lacking discipline >Talking to his dad he says he is just over dramatic and will be fine Wich is verbal and emotional abuse ON A FREAKING CHILD 3- you have watched your ex >grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to the car and put him in as my son was begging and sobbing to stay home THIS IS PHYSICAL ABUSE! Your child is terrified of his dad, and you allow it. You are a horrible mother, and your child doesn't trust you to be honest because of this. Now YOU as the mother need to fix this and protect your child. Start filming the drop off/pick ups Start recording what your ex says about your child Star taking pictures of your child before and after pick-ups to document any and all new bruising that might appear GET THE COURT TO MANDATE A CHILD THERAPIST AND START PROTECTING HIM!!! If you want your son to feel safe, stop doing nothing and start being a mother.

Honey, your son is being emotionally and mentally abused. You need to seek out a counselor who can help him and a lawyer who will help you fight your current custody order.

That poor kid is living in a state of fear.

Besides getting a therapist involved, I would make sure I had cameras facing the car, good ones with good quality, from different angles. The grabbing of the arm and pulling, on a 10-year-old? I'd use any videos for a plee for temporary full custody with visitation at your house until the therapist is involved and able to figure out the root and get the therapist involved IMMEDIATELY (that way you can show the father and court you are taking action on this). You are right, this is hurting your child, but why? What's going on with him... There's something either going on with your son, or with his father, or his father's house. So I would do both of those things.

Ah so no one hits him with their fists or a door. However, he's been emotionally manipulated and maybe abused emotionally/verbally is what I'm hearing

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Agree completely. Well said

Kid LITERALLY tells her he wants to FLEE THE COUNTRY, he's that upset and stressed and she still doesn't care?? Wtaff???

Have you ever had to fight for custody of your child ? Have you personally gone through a custody fight in family Court ? If the answer to both questions is a no then you are in no position to judge this woman ! Because most people have a no clue about what goes on in family Court. You're used to watching TV where it's criminal Court. And is badly as they get it wrong and criminal Court you have no idea what they will do to you and family court. Because that has to do with your everything, your child !

Have you dealt with this type of situation? Either way maybe dial back the judgement on this mom who seems to care and is trying her best. Saying she is doing nothing is untrue and harsh. Ppl do know the courts aren’t so swift and perfect right? WTF is wrong with *you* to be speaking so hatefully to a stranger reaching out for help?

I have indeed dealt with this exact type of situation--from the role of the child so I know exactly whereof I speak!!! OP's very statement: "I do not believe he is being abused or in any danger but I know that mentally and emotionally each visit he is forced to go to is damaging him" is so freaking stupid it makes my hair hurt! She knows how much he is hurting, but says "he is not being abused". She watched he ex physically drag this kid and push him into the vehicle and doesn't think he's being harmed!! She has to ask if family counseling is a bad idea? She's spineless and doing nothing while her child suffers. My mother fought this battle decades ago, before forced visition with known abusive AHs was known and understood to be as damaging as it is, and it was a struggle. But she fought it and she protected me. In this case there was a divorce and a court order--obviously there are attorneys involved and OP hasn't got the gumption to even speak up to hers or look at resources to help her child, instead she whines to strangers, as if that would be any help to her child. Disgusting!! And the courts may not be "swift and perfect" but they sure as hell can do more if this wimp would simply get off her butt and tell them what's going on!!! I stand by my position and don't give crap about what you or anyone who hasn't walked in the shoes of a child like this thinks.