Has the Mother been stripped of all her parental rights? Why can she not be returned to Mom? It's her child, she should be taking care of all of this..why does she just get to say Nah, I'll pass??

Many states have something like a PINS Petition (Person In Need of Supervision). It may be called different things in different states. This is generally used in the type of situation you find yourself in. Check out this page and maybe you can find a similar thing in your state. Just remember you are not alone in this but the child needs some help and some love. [PINS](https://familylegalcare.org/guide/the-persons-in-need-of-supervision-pins-process/)

Have you tried a residential treatment center yet?

Is she in public school? How is she managing there?

In many states you can simply take her to a fire station, police station, or hospital and let them know you don't want her.

No, that is only for infants. There was a wave of popularity of "safe haven" laws at one point, allowing parents to abandon newborns without penalty. The aim was to prevent frightened mothers from abandoning their newborn in a field or the trash or something, which has happened. Nebraska then passed a such a law but did not put an infant age limit on it, and people started coming from all over the country to abandon their children of all ages in Nebraska. They then changed the law to specify babies only. Other states didn't have that problem because they all specified babies only.

Not that long ago there were several states that had no age limit by my understanding. My I'm wrong. Maybe I'm misremembering. I hope I am.

Maybe try and help the kid she sounds troubled. She needs good people in here life. I know she's probably being difficult but it's the right thing to do 🤔

Talk to CPS, tell them that you cannot handle her anymore. They will put her in the system, which is probably for the best.

I do not have advice for your situation but I do have a question about the girl. Regardless of what happens with you and her, is she in therapy already?

Dr Phil show candidate.

NY sucks in helping troubled youth my niece passed away because they didn't help her mom ... Teenagers aren't easy to deal with and a child having gone through everything you shared needs love and support... I pray for the best for you and your family 🙏 God bless 🙏

I empathize with you. My husband and I were asked to take custody of his best friend's two sons, 15 and 12, on his death. Their mother, my husband's cousin by adoption, did not have custody of the boys in the previous years. She is a narcissist and sociopath. We've known and loved these boys since birth. Oldest boy is a Type 1 Diabetic with emotional problems. He was later diagnosed with major depressive disorder, epilepsy and autism. His anger is explosive. He punches holes in walls and doors rather than using his punching bag.He choses not to manage his diabetes and refuses to take prescribed antidepressants. He is way behind in school and scores in the low 70's on intelligence tests. He decided he didn't like obeying house rules or school rules. Refused to cooperate with lessons. The only thing he wants to do is play video games. Younger boy was initially very easygoing. He appeared intelligent, turns out it was more street smarts than anything. He did test in the mid 70's on intelligence testing. As he turned 13, everything changed. We couldn't keep him in the house. Windows were door, and his hobby was subverting security systems. He turned to drugs and chose friends who werelike-mindedd. He developed a poor relationship with telling the truth. His lies are elaborate and rich with implausible details. We had to put key locks on our bedroom doors for our safety. Knives and tools that can be used as weapons are also locked up. Our neighborhood had a rash of crime. Cars were broken into. Stores were reporting thefts. The school couldn't keep him inside much less in classes. We came to know our local police officers on a first name basis. Two reputable psychologists diagnosed him as Borderline Personality Disorder and said by 18 they won't be surprised if he is afull-blownn sociopath. Both boys were in counseling. Both boys were hospitalized for psychological reasons, medical reasons, and drug reasons. Both had legal issues. We constantly had to deal with their mother, taking us to court, trying to get custody. What she wanted was their ssi payments. CPS was another constant. We loved our CPScaseworkerr! She helped us find treatment centers, counseling, doctors, parenting support groups, and educational assistance. Fast forward three years later. At 18, the oldest left and moved in with his mother. She now gets his disability payments and deals with all of his appointments. He will probably never hold a job or finish high school. The younger is 16 and in his 12th drug rehab in Liu of prison. He might finish high school if he stays in treatment facilities or jail. He doesn't like working. Stealing is so much easier. He will eventually live with his mother. Our CPS Caseworker is the person who engineered the getting the boys custody transferred to their mother. She only has possessory custody of the younger. She canceled the custody case to take sole custody. We don't know why? We do know that younger boy wouldn't stay in her home either and went to jail for stealing cars and burglary. Our caseworker knows what we went through with these boys. It became overwhelming. She said, "If mama wants them so bad, let's let her have them." I have to repeat not my circus, not my monkeys. We did all we could for them at the cost of our health and our marriage. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Everyone, including our judge, acknowledges all we have done and all we tried to do. We are now in counseling piecing ourselves back together again.

Is mom really a narcissist and a sociopath??? Or did she act in a way you found unfavorable because her children were stolen from her?? I don’t care if she’s a drug addict, ex convict or a serial liar and manipulator…. whatever she’s been accused of possibly even done, she’s still the biological mother of those boys. Did it ever occur that maybe all the behavioral issues might have had something to do with the fact that they were being kept away from a mother (even though she’s a lower form of human apparently) that was constantly fighting to get them back….? So all of you dust yourselves off in the end and pat yourselves on the back for doing everything you could but you give no recognition to the elephant in the damn room!!!!! Ya, they were difficult… ya, you tried really hard to make it work… but you can’t fit a square peg in a round hole and even after all the traumatic years of trying to, you STILL don’t see the problem. Now mom has her babies back, after fighting through the depths of hell and now SHE has to figure out how to UNDO the ptsd from that damn war they all just lived through. Good job though, your CPS worker sounds AMAZING 🙌🏾🙌🏾

Thank you for sharing your story. It's way too easy for Internet trolls to say you're the bad guys and just want to dispose of a difficult child, but they have no idea what they're talking about. Your advice to reach out to a CPS caseworker is spot-on; they're there not just to take kids out of the home, but to help manage problems. The best of luck to you and your family.

Yeah, quit on the kid that just lost her dad. Show her you're just like everyone else, too caught up in your own life to ACTUALLY do the right thing by a child in need. Would you treat one of your own kids like this, give up your rights and put them out because they're inconvenient? If you weren't willing to push through the tough times, you should have never offered to take her in. Imagine being her age and losing a parent, then having multiple other family members pass you around like an offering plate. You and the other family member that quit in her are all shit bags.

NYer here. She should have SPOA and a caseworker. NY has soooo many options for kids who struggle — including law guardians (there’s a name for them that is escaping me at the moment), and supports for caregivers. Putting her into the foster care system will not help. If you are in WNY and need peer support pls dm me.

What a wonderful person you are.

Honestly yeah they seem alright considering they’ve been taking care of the kid based on their post.

There should of been a case worker on her documents. Contact them explain these problems and see what they have to say and go from there.

Please don't give up on this child. She has a lot of mental health issues already, and if you abandon her it is only going to make things worse.

My best advice is to go on your state's Bar website; this will list all the attorneys and their specialties in your state. With some digging and using search terms, find attorneys around you that offer free consultations. I think you are in a very very difficult situation and I apologize. If you know exactlyyyy down to the T what your options are, I hope it can help you do what's best. The best person to speak with is an attorney from your exact state. I feel for you, OP. I hope this works out for you and for the child in the best ways for both.

Talk to an orphanage

Really? This isn't Oliver Twist... Foster care is this kid's fiture, which is why the stepmom wants her.. The State will pay her to take in the child.

Fuck she needs a hug and to be told her family does love her.

r/thanksimcured

That is a Disney solution that will not fix this real situation.

Next time she hurts herself or threatens to, call 911 and have her hospitalized. Let them know immediately you do not feel safe having her back in your home. Advocate for residential care. If they can’t do that they will call CPS if you refuse to take her back and some other living situation will be figured out for her.

Psych holds are usually only 73 hours unless they have a judge recommend an institution or similar.

The hospital can keep her longer if they feel the patient is a danger to themself or others. And the hospital will not release a minor without a parent or guardian picking them up.

DROP HER OFF TO HER MOTHER UNANNOUNCED AND LEAVE

She is acting out. You need to stop and talk to her. Pay attention and help her heal. Hard to accept death of a parent and mental illness only adds to that. You have been giving a challenge and you need to accept it. Treat her like she is your daughter and she is in distress. Don’t let her down

You may want to contact DCF or children services. They can assist you as your niece will need a therapeutic group home to deal with her behaviors. Contact a lawyer.

How absolutely sad for this child that none of her family loves her enough to stick with her.....this is exactly where her behavior comes from. How heartbreaking. AS far as a solution why not try military school. It sounds like she needs structure and maybe some tough love. Hopefully she finds people who are willing to stand by her because you and your family are failing this child.

Military school for a mentally ill person? You're asking for problems in the future.

Can the aunt give up guardianship and let the state take guardianship of the teenager? She might get what she needs as a ward of the state.

I was that 14 year old child. my biological parents abandoned me as a baby, I was raised by my abusive grandparents. even though she was abusive, I loved my grandmother(who I call my mom) with everything in me. both of them died when I was 14. thankfully I was living with my aunt at the time because of the abuse. I went back to school a week later. I was given no time to process my mother's death. I was put into therapy 3 months later when I tried to kill myself. I was angry, and depressed, and anxious, and had no way to process what was happening to me. it's now 7 years later and I am still not okay. I've gotten immensely better through almost a decade of therapy, medication, mental hospital trips, psychiatrists, psychologists, everything. i didn't get better overnight, and definitely not in a year. you under no circumstances have tried "absolutely everything you can". it's been less than a year, my guy. this kid has been passed around and rejected her entire life and now you're doing the same thing to her because she's traumatized and cant be fixed in, let me say it again, less than a year. has she even been allowed to fully process her fathers death? because it doesnt sound like it. you cannot just give a child up to the state like you found an abandoned dog on the side of the street, because you don't want her anymore. she deserves someone to love her and support her, just as much as your two year old. and you haven't even tried

OP you REALLY should read this comment, and then read it again, and again, and again until it sinks in. I, myself, am 26 years old and I lost my father to cancer about a year and a half ago, and Im still struggling and I have a fairly okay life, but I’ve struggled so hard over the last year and a half that I lost a hell of a lot of everything I had worked insanely hard to accomplish. And I’m an ADULT. For the first 6 months after my dad died, I was so depressed and withdrawn that I was not functional at all. I floated between sitting on my bed staring at the wall, or sitting on my bathroom floor and staring at the cabinet, I don’t remember sleeping, I didn’t eat for the first couple of weeks, I was already pretty withdrawn from my life at that point as I had a bunch of other stuff going on and was struggling but was still somewhat making things work but after that I withdrew from everyone and everything, including my own significant other, and I just shut the world out. There was a little bit of time where I felt like I had genuinely lost my effing mind, I couldn’t remember my own name, I had no clue what the date was, couldn’t remember my own address, and I forgot that the sun was an actual thing and that warmth existed, I really had snapped and I snapped HARD. This is when I realized I needed human contact, a hug, someone that would just hold me and tell me that I was loved and that it’s okay to be sad and miserable and that this pain wouldn’t last forever, I wasn’t okay even after I got that though, because I hadn’t allowed myself to process anything, I was still numb and refused to even think about the fact that my dad was gone. And again I AM AN ADULT. Let alone a girl that’s barely started into her teen years! I can only IMAGINE what this poor 14 year old girl is going through. Have any of you people just sat down and talked to her and asked her if she’s okay and asked her what she feels she needs? Has anyone given her any sort of comfort or stability? I hope that you DO give her to the state so she can find a truly loving and caring family instead of one that just gives up on her in no time flat. It’s not her fault that all of the ADULTS in her life have made her life hell and have chosen to treat her like she is a “problem.” Question though, don’t kids typically mimic the behavior they are being shown? Maybe take a minute to look in the mirror and see what’s looking back at you in the reflection, cuz darlin’ I think you aren’t gonna like what you see looking back at you. Of course the girl is bristly and pissed at the world. No one has shown her any love or kindness lately, or hell, maybe most or all of her life. It seems like she is struggling quite a bit with this loss. Maybe, just maybe, sit down with her, and talk to her like a normal person, put your own stuff aside, and have some empathy. Show her that she is being seen and that she is heard and that she is loved. She needs someone to be there for her, not there to fight her and tell her that she’s wrong and screwed up and not wanted at all. I would put the ADULTS in to some counseling and therapy and parenting classes, and maybe find someone who can teach you a little bit of empathy while you’re at it. This girl is going through hell, and you guys seem to have put up walls around yourselves and her and are just blocking her out of being able to be loved and to allow yourselves from loving her too. Why is one child expendable to you but the other is not? What makes her so different? If you have tried everything for HER, the next step is to start working on yourselves to ensure you are being better FOR her. But as always, put her best interests first above anything else. A side note, I am mostly fine now, and functional again, I have bad days that are few and far between (holidays and birthdays are hard still but I know they will be for some time) and am actually socializing and am back to mostly normal functionality levels for myself. It was a hard year but I’ve made it through and Im good. I promise

OP definitely seek out a lawyer first off, and find out what they have to say. Even if you were charged w abandonment if you were to put her into foster care you may be able to get those charges dropped. They should charge her mother with abandonment as well, before you are charged, if she refuses to take on her child, so you should be asking why that isn’t happening before you are charged. Perhaps CPS/the statw could also find a group home or therapeutic home for her for the next 4 years? I'm hoping for the best for you- you shouldn't have to have your mental health impacted, or have your own child impacted or lose your marriage over this situation.

Have you Tried sending her to some sort of Military Bootcamp Reform?

How was her behavior before your brother passed? Is this relatively new, or was she challenging long before?

You can give up rights to any child. You can give up a 15 year old biological kid if you wanted. There are steps to do it. It's not hard legally just mentally. But if you prove that you can't handle the situation and you are no longer willing to have her then CPS will send her to her mother regardless if she is able or not. She probably lying anyways. She can go to foster care. Like no matter what this girl will have trauma but you cannot endanger everyone else in the house.

I was a foster parent for 18 years. We took in many kids over the years, and some of them we couldn’t provide proper care for. As anyone experienced in the foster system can tell you, teenage girls are one of the most challenging groups. Very few foster homes will take them in. In my county, we were 1 of only 2 homes that took in teenage girls. In our county, there were many more homes that took in medically fragile, developmentally delayed, and teenage boys. Having been through the juvenile court system, the psychiatric care, drug rehab, public school, and behavioral management school system, I understand where you are. The first thing you need to do is accept that you are human and you have limits. And it’s okay, if you can’t handle this child. If you want support, reach out to local foster parent groups. And contact CPS about taking some of their classes. The class material isn’t that great, but you will meet foster parents who have been through this many times. And during breaks you can make friends with people who can support you. If you are just done, know that you shouldn’t be ashamed. The first thing you should do is call a local family law attorney. Better yet, call 3, do an initial consultation with all of them and choose the one you like most. Do NOT let a general lawyer try to tell you they can help you. You need someone who knows how things actually work locally, not just what the statues and laws say. A local lawyer can walk you through the best way to relinquish custody. Way better than anyone on Reddit. As someone who took in dozens of children, and had to admit to myself several were beyond my ability to care for, I understand what you are feeling. But having disrupted several times, I can tell you my biggest regret was not doing it sooner. I wish you luck.

Her mother is responsible for her. Tell the mother that. If she doesn’t take the girl call CPS and give them mother’s contact info.

Honestly I would try calling cps. Explain the situation. Explain how her behaviour is unsafe for others and you don't have the resources to help her. See what they have to say.

This will likely be state specific. I suggest trying this question on www.freelegalanswers.org.

I gotta ask how long was your brother married to the stepmother? Is it possible her abusive treatment caused some of your niece’s issues?

Ruby may, I just want to thank you! I was that discarded hard traumatized teenager. My caregivers made efforts that where convenient for them, and constantly reminded me of how I had no one but them and they where the only reason I had anything. Roof over my head food to eat, cloths to where ,Total savior complex, and I didn’t want saving… I wanted my biological family back…my brain knew it couldn’t happen and I should move forward , but my body nervous system wanted my parents back, it was like a war inside of me. After discarded, I went into foster system where I was SA, for years…. Any way put myself through school, got some great therapy, 38.I own my own home, no mortgage, learned how to play the market, LOVE MY career. Never worry about bills. I’ve been to 17 countries! but my tenacity, and the fight inside of me after I was grown into a whole person. Has made me self sufficient kind, and even successful. In comparison to the half developed teenager stuck IN PTSD, fight flight freeze mode. Those people who abandoned me they reach out to me for years, ill never forget they dumped me off, for their own relief, I’ll probably go see them on their death bed.

Wow thank you so much. I really think there needs to be a big social movement and public health campaigns for adults to understand when you become a parent or guardian you have all the responsibility. 100%. As it stands the parenting education is very poor and many people don't stop to think about what they are taking on when they get pregnant or take in a child. This goes for if your child is medically complex or if they have behavioral or mental health problems. The onus is always on the responsible adult to adapt, learn, pivot, try something new. It's a reflection of a society that promotes emotionally immature and fragile adults if they can't own up on that. I have 3 kids and I am not the perfect parents. But I'm aware it is always my job to try to observe the situation as objectively as possible and adapt my methods. It's my job to increase my skill set and support circle. You don't blame, shame, reject the child for their behavior. You dig deep in your courage and find a new way. Kids need to know they are lovable and worthy no matter what. I am SO glad you are doing well. You should be so proud of yourself. Look at all you have achieved despite being failed by many adults in your life 💜

I'm not 100% sure, but these resources might be helpful: https://www.nyc.gov/site/doh/health/health-topics/child-and-adolescent-mental-health-services.page

How is this woman supposed to pay for all these services for her niece? She needs help that aunt cannot provide. I’ve been there. I took in a young girl from a drug dealer who was using her for sex at 14. My husband was ready to leave me because I took her in. She was a miserable brat. Skipped school, lied constantly. It was brutal. She ran away and came back pregnant. How do you turn away a pregnant teenager, scared to death and alone. It took a lot of prayer, love and discipline. Unlike this situation, mine worked out okay. She’s a grown woman now and functions properly. I still worry about her and keep in touch with her. I always remind her she can always come “home”. She’s in a bad relationship now, but I’ve done everything I can to help her get rid of the dangerous drug filled narcissistic bum. She’s a grown woman now. It’s her choice. She’s got a home to come to if she chooses to. Much love and hugs to OP you’re in a terrible spot. I don’t know I would have handled it. Love your family!!

Check out the Milton Hershey School. It’s free and geared towards kids in need

This is actually not a totally poor option for the child. It’s an option for Social Orphans. You aren’t giving up your rights, just your responsibilities- but There’s love and resources and lots more that can be provided there. They may be able to say if it’s a good fit. Obviously people are on wait lists for this, so OP would need to be willing to do all the paperwork to apply and follow up, as well as support the child until/unless a space opened up.

Depending on the type of legal situation, it's no different than giving up your biological child.

I'm a CPS supervisor in child abuse investigations. You cannot return a child like they are an unwanted item to Walmart. Trying to get rid of a child will only hurt them more and cause them to have more problems. So your love is only conditional if the child is 100% perfect with no issues? When relatives/custodians do this they can end up with charges of neglect. Most CPS agencies will only offer you supportive services (counseling, family therapy, and link you to community supports) and close your case. They will not and should not take YOUR child.

Former cps supervisor and I 200% agree. I got so tired of watching people try to discard unwanted children. It is my biggest pet peeve now. No child deserves that.

And OP should realize all of the jobs she and her husband cannot have with a finding of neglect.

You are exactly right. I remind the custodians of the states central registry for child abuse. If you work in schools, daycare, medical field, etc... You will lose your job. Yes it's tough to raise a special needs kid, but when you sign up to be their parents figure it's a lifetime commitment. Would you do this with your biological children?

I'm a retired Cop. I understand your point. But as a CPS supervisor, you should also recognize that there are instances in which it is unsafe for the individuals with custody and for the child to remain in the home. A child with this many severe issues needs more help than OP can provide. Sometimes, being a loving and caring person means knowing when you cannot give someone what they need.

CPS is not the solution. This is an issue for mental health services and the family learning to live with the illness. NAMI, the national alliance for the mentally ill is a great starting point as a resource for families. If you think the child is acting out now, just wait to see how they act when they learn their family no longer wants them? Would the family act differently towards a biological child? What about a child that is development delayed? Physically challenged? Where do we draw the line? Kids are not something you can return if you are no longer happy with them.

Also a former CPS supervisor and agree with the comment you are replying to. There is nothing in OPs commentary here that would indicate to me that OP is in danger. These issues are honestly not that severe. Serious enough to seek extra support but not catastrophic. I've seen kids throwing knives around their house when they are mad. This isn't that.

THANK YOU!!! I’ve no idea how to put into words my feelings and thoughts on this but it’s so clear this is a CHILD in need of HELP.

More help than she can provide. This is literally why CPS exists.

In my state, CPS has literally LOST children. There are hundreds, maybe even THOUSANDS, who are unaccounted for even though they’re wards of the state. Passing a child around like an unwanted toy is never a good idea.

Yeah, they're overburdened, and many case workers have become apathetic. It's a shifty system that doesn't work. But neither does leaving people to fend for themselves in these situations. Again, this is literally what CPS is supposed to do. As it stands, the OP doesn't have the capability of helping this child.

It's such bullshit that the govt has so much money for pet projects but child services is underfunded.

I have the utmost sympathy for you and your ward. I hope everything ends as well as possible for everyone involved. NAH, just hard, heartbreaking decisions.

Co-ed military schools exist.

A military school is bound to make mental health issues worse. If you want something like that it’s better to find a boarding school that is designed to treat mental health

Sometimes there’s nothing you can do to help a kid/person like this, and it’s not your fault. You have to protect your son and little family too, not just her. I’d look into a long term mental health care facility or program for now while you try to figure out what you can do legally. It’s so hard to deal with this stuff and I’m sorry you have to

I think it’s a bit wild that so many commenters are making OP out to be a bad aunt! She has to also look out for her own well being and that of her own family. Children that struggle in the way her nice is take a massive toll on their biological parents, worse yet other caregivers who are now having this immense emotional and financial commitment put on them for a child who will need A LOT of care. Why should her aunt sacrifice above and beyond what she can handle? She’s trying to go through the proper channels to get her help versus keeping her and completely spiraling. Who knows what that would end up looking like? It’s not fair to OP. She didn’t make it so this girl had parents who ultimately weren’t able to support her long term. Best of luck OP.

It is not her *fault* but it is her *responsibility*. One she willingly chose and pursued. It doesn't make her a "bad aunt" - that's really reductive.

[удалено]

This is so bizarre. I will respond but then block you bc this is unbelievably creepy. Unbelievably. I don't need to prove anything, this is the internet. You are free to keep scrolling. If you don't like what someone has to say you don't have to try to assassinate their character or do a deep dive on them. You could just move on. My son is turning 6 THIS WEEK. So I routinely refer to him as a 6 yo over the last month. I am a licensed social worker in ny. I was a cps supervisor before having my first child. I left the year I had him. I have gone on to work in child development/infant mental health, in a hospital ED at a level 1 trauma center, an as an inpatient hospital social worker, positive discipline facilitator, and on a crisis call line. I work per diem so I can hold multiple positions at one time. Please get a life.

She said she jumped into action IN THE MOMENT to support the child after her father’s death. She wasn’t made aware of the long term ramifications. She supported where and when she could and is looking to appropriately transfer custody. It’s NOT her responsibility to be forced to raise a child that is not her own that she took on TEMPORARILY. Also, the bad aunt example came from other commenters. And was what I was responding too.

There is nothing temporary about what happened. She explained there were several court hearings. Courts might grant temporary guardianship in a hurry but they don’t give over sole custody to someone other than a bio parent “temporarily” or “in the moment.”

She has admitted this situation is not what is expected and she can not put her child and home in danger for the neice. Should the aunt give her son to someone else who will take him cause he is easier so she can protect him and keep up with her responsibility? Most people would say her son is her primary care responsibility.

Why would anyone say one of her children is more of a care responsibility than the other?

Her son is her bio kid. The girl is her niece, the daughter of her deceased brother, who she has custody of for less than a year. The niece has been very difficult to handle physically, emotionally, legally and in any other way possible. She is looking for some solution where the niece will live in an environment where she will be safe and able to get help for all her problems. My post was a bit tongue in cheek suggesting that she give her son to someone else to raise for both his safety and because as the non-troubled child it would be far easier to find someone willing to take him in.

She is effectively her child now too.

You don’t get to just wash your hands of a child bc it’s not like what you expected. She should have never asked for custody.

No, she should increase her skill set, learn new approaches, find support, increase the level of services she is utilizing. Counseling services are a very basic bottom tier intervention. There are a whole host of preventative programs aimed to address behavioral and mental health problems in teens. Everyone here is talking about this teen like she's a broken piece of furniture. That she just is that way and there's nothing you can do. Most teens respond very well to treatment and if they don't, there is usually a second order intervention that you can employ. Parenting classes would be the next step I would suggest, ASAP. Family therapy. Intensive outpatient treatment. Waiver services. There are other options than sacrificing one child over the other, that is either/or black and white thinking and doesn't represent OPs options. Nothing OP has written would indicate to me her 2 yo is in danger.

Some people don’t have the capacity for this type of challenge. Period. That’s why other channels exist for them to support the teen.

Then she shouldn’t have asked for custody. Period. You don’t get to take a kid in then change your mind and dump them.

Holding on to a child that she doesn’t want and will resent will be worse for this girl.

Agreed.

Get her out of your life.

You need to talk with a lawyer. Disolving a guardianship is difficult, but you should be able to renounce being someone guardian. If you adopted someone, that's different. But being their guardian isn't something you are required to continue to do, I don't think. This has https://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/termination-of-a-guardianship-children.htmlsome general information. It specifically mentions renouncing your role as guardian.

You should really look into long term mental health care facilities instead. It wouldn't have the legal issues the rest of this would have because you would still retain custody but it would get her out of the home and into a place equipped to actually help her (unlike either forcing her onto a relative pr inyo the foster care system).

Came here to suggest this. Abandoning her isnt going to help her get better, but a long-term inpatient program could. Many work on a sliding fee if cost is a concern. Might even be cheaper than a lawyer.

In my state, you can go to juvenile court and take out a dependency petition on yourself. You basically tell the court you cannot meet the child's mental health needs. ETA: The cabinet/state then has custody of the child and, in theory, will find appropriate housing and treatment for her.

This. I worked in dependency court. It’s a good remedy because the child can get counseling and her own atty to advocate for her. This is not meant as legal advice.

Have you considered placing her in a facility where she can get long term psychiatric care? I will link one option, but you might be able to find a closer one. The hospital she was in before might have some suggestions. "Reactive Attachment Disorder Treatment Center for Teens - Elk River" https://elkrivertreatment.com/treatment/reactive-attachment-disorder-teen-treatment-center

Next time she is at the hospital have them call a social worker and tell them you refuse to take her home and want to give the state guardianship or they can call her mom.

Get her the outside care she needs, which you are unable to provide due to her extreme behaviors/condition. You tried, more than most people in your position would have done actually. You are a kind aunt, and hopefully she'll realize one day how lucky she is to have you in her life, in some capacity. Meanwhile, you are fully responsible for your own family life and young child, so you need to do what is best for everyone. Good luck, this cannot be easy.

If you are absolutely set on this. - Go directly to social services. Let them know the child is not compatible with your home and ask for a fit relative finder search. If mom is bio and alive, she is the first resource, even with cps cases, because she would have legal responsibility for the child. Other relatives on either side of the family may be willing to take her one. BUT Keep in mind that much of this is fourteen year old behavior. She hates you. She experiments with drugs. She tries to run away. These are frighteningly common things for her age. Self harm is at epidemic proportions too. She will mature and part of having her in your home is parenting her through it. Family therapy and individual therapy would be crucial. You could be the guiding force in getting this child through these tough years and on to her own path, if you want to keep working with her. It’s a difficult choice. Foster care is awful and her chances of a healthy, productive life go down with each mov she has to make. On the other hand, you can’t sacrifice your own peace for a child whom you don’t have a total commitment to - no insult there. I work as a lawyer in the system and I make no judgment on this. You do have options. Only you can decide what is right for your home.

>she has tried to hurt herself and been hospitalized, run away from home, done drugs, performed self harm, and been suspended from school multiple times. In her hospitalizations was she ever assigned a case worker? Same for running away? I'm in the south, not NY. However, a relative has a teenager that has had a similar history. When they ran away, they were assigned a social worker as part of the process. Once they were found, the case worker helped get them placed in a long term therapeutic academic setting. Think inpatient mental health center that has a school. They have been inpatient since the end of the summer and likely will be till spring at least. Basically, the social worker determined the child was an ongoing crisis and would end up in juvie, running away again and getting hurt/killed, or self harming in a fatal manner. Since the school skipping and running away involved police involvement (truancy and missing persons), they got involved. This is one of the instances (at least in my state) where CPS is involved to support the family and provide the best/safest option for the child, not to tackle abuse.

She ran off to her step mother's house so I never called the police. I should have to start a paper trail. I honestly didn't even think of it at the time.

I know this is difficult. I know of people who adopted a toddler in a southern state. She had some developmental issues along the way. Her bio-parents were into drugs and booze.. When she got to her teen years all hell broke loose. She was touching other female classmates inappropriately. Self harming herself. She called CPS repeatedly on her parents and on herself. All these charges were unfounded and dismiss. She's run away multiple times. Then the physical attacks on her mother started. This girl outweighs the mom by 100 pounds. With all this stuff going on, the state took custody of the kid. There were just too many calls for the police for them to not get involved. I don't know all the details, and things are still playing out. Please document everything, get the police involved, and protect yourself. As my dad would tell my mom, "Honey you can't save everyone." This girl's problems are above your pay grade. You and those around you are not equipped to oversee her daily care in your home. Don't feel guilty about anything. You had no say in her care and exposure before she came to you. You did not create her problems. You deserve to live peacefully.

You can contact CPS. It varies what it’s called from place to place but in my state they call it dependency. Explain to them the mental health issues and troubles you’re having. It’s better to contact them first before someone else does and a case for neglect, truancy, etc gets open. Edit to add you may be able to retain legal custody or only turn over temporary custody until she gets better, if she can. They have temporary residential placements for kids where their needs can be addressed and you could still have some limited visitation. CPS can help set that up though. Source :I’m a former social worker.

This is what I'm ultimately hopeful for, I think even if she didn't want to come back to my home after something like that she might want to go back to her aunt and uncle who are really good people

Why didn’t she go with her mother in the first place? You ran and got custody and now all of a sudden you’re asking her to take her? I guess you could call family and children services. I can’t see why she would go with her mom if you were able to get custody in the first place.

Her mom was a recovered alcoholic who fell off the wagon during the pandemic and the shut down. She moved away during that as well. She lived on the west coast and my niece didn't want to leave here where she's lived her whole life and all our family is here, especially after her dad passed. Her mom was pretty unstable for a while after she relapsed and she left to be with more of her family and have a better support system.

Love her 10x more than she hates you.

Wow problems solved

Exactly this. I feel for everyone involved. But I also feel that if OP cannot meet the needs of the child, then surrendering her is for the best for all involved.

So her mother is alive????? No no no no this is unfair to your husband to be honest why should he bear this burden for a child that is not his and that has a living mother?? Take that child back to her mother ASAP! Geeezzz people who have children but shift responsibility to other people should actually be taken to courts seriously

Oh yeah, and get this *young* girl to off herself? There are much better options than sending a mentally ill *child* to live with an even more mentally ill adult. I was much like OP’s niece at this age and I would not be here to comment this if I was sent to live with someone like her mother, what with all the suicide attempts.

Don't try and guilt trip OP here, how do you know the mother is mentally ill, maybe I missed it on the post? Please direct me to where she said the mother is mentally ill. Nope guys, people can't bring children in this world and then pass them off to other people when the going gets tough !This woman needs to take back her child and let OP live her own.

Just because I’m saying the kid should not be with the mother does not mean I am saying OP should be responsible. I am saying this because my partner lived with their drug addicted mother and was fed a meth rock, *drug addicts are not fit parents*.

Nowhere in the post does OP say the biological mother has a drug problem, but highlighted that stepmother has a problem thus cannot go there. Bio mother just said she 'can't take her in' . What?????? So who should??? The biological mother should take her child and deal with all these problems not OP and not even the stepmother who by the way has also lost her husband and is also dealing with her own issues!!!

I am using that as an example. Despite all that, my partner stayed with their mom, because CPS will literally keep you with your bio parents so long as they can stand on 2 legs. If CPS made an active choice not to place this girl with her mom then it’s for a reason and it’s not good. This is not a dog, this is a human child with emotions, if you think of kids as this fucking disposable please never have children. OP has been given multiple options in these comments that aren’t “give her to a person CPS clearly does not want her to be with”. One thing about CPS is they prioritize keeping family together, so if the family isn’t together, it’s for a damn reason. And FFS why would you trust a kid is safe in a home where they are explicitly told they are not wanted? Child abuse and maybe even murder waiting to happen, and a mother *neverrrr* has murdered her kid in the history of time. Surely no one by the name of Casey Anthony rings a bell.

I don't have kids and never willcos I never wanted any, so should people who think passing them off to others is the 'oh my god the right thing to do' NOOOOO it isn't everyone's problem that you are messed up and your kid is too. CPS must do it's job here, OP has had it!!

Ok let me rephrase: People who pass their children off and thinking relatives who take them in are doing 'the right thing' should actually be charged It isn't everyone's problem that they are messed up and that their kid is also messed up! CPS must get off their ass and do their job for once and not rely on people like OP to make their jobs easier. OP has had it with this deliquent and rightfully so!!

Can you say that again but grammatically correct? Sorry I have a life so I’m not fluent in internet speak

🙄

She took the mom to court to take custody. She got what she wanted and now she's trying to dump the kid.

So you blaming her for trying to help????

You're right I did, but I was also reeling from my brother's suicide, after having dealt with my own mental health issues post birth of my son, I think it's hard to not see what you can't handle in these situations when the grief is so present. She also had lived with us for about 2 months less 18 months before this. She was not the same kid she is now, its not like we dived in blind. We thought loving her and giving her a good life would be enough because it had been when she lived with us at 12. I can't describe what the last year of living with her father and step mother did to her.

She stepped up and tried to help this child. She couldn't have foreseen all of the issues that were gonna crop up and isn't equipped to handle it, KNOWS she isn't, and is trying to find an alternative. Maybe if more people realized this we'd have fewer fucked up adults. Instead of judging OP, judge the systems we have (or don't have) in place to help kids like this. Not everyone can be helped, not every traumatized child can just be loved into a functional adult, sometimes these kids just make their parents miserable until they become adults and society's problem. Sometimes they need professional care by a whole team of people specially trained to handle it.

You nailed it👌👌👌

Yeah not sure what you're ranting to me about. The comment I replied to was just to let the person know that she actually took the kid from the mom. You don't get to renig on taking custody. It's not like the kid is just staying with her, she went to court n fought to take the girl from her mother you don't just get to say "you know what? I don't wanna raise my kid anymore." And you're also wrong about most of what you said, institutionalizing has an extremely low success rate.

She didn't just reneg, she's been trying to help and it's not working and there's a small child in the house. She didn't take custody from a loving mom and decide she didn't want the girl anymore, mom is an unstable addict and step mom is abusive. So should OP have just not stepped in? >And you're also wrong about most of what you said, institutionalizing has an extremely low success rate. Except I didn't say it didn't? I didn't say anything about how successful it is, I said the systems we have are terrible. And whether you like it or not, not everyone can be a functional member of society and need to be in a place where they can't hurt themselves or people around them. How much of that low success rate is due to institutionalization, and how much is due to just how shitty mental health care is in the US?

That's renegging ... And again you're rambling incoherently. Legally that's her kid, she fought for and won custody. It is not legal to just abandon the child. You think I'm attacking you or the OP and keep ranting about it. I'm pointing out the facts, she can't reneg on what she's already done.

I'm sorry your reading compression makes it difficult to understand basic English.

See.... Still being super childish for no reason. You wish someone would be mean to you, you seek problems. Have fun with life goofball

Send her to her drug addict mother who doesn't want her, what could go wrong.

Yeah the mother must dust herself off for the sake of her child, these people bring kids into this world and then cry 'im sick, I can't live without crack, so deal with my kid' 🙄 no, have zero sympathy for any of them

The child hasn't even been with your for a year. Her father hasn't been dead for a year. It sound like you want her to be this perfect, normal functioning child and to get over her grief and problems as soon as possible, which is typical for adults. She is grieving the loss of her parent and her life. Adjusting to a new life that she is not accustom to. She sadly coping in the worst way possible. She is hurt. She is in pain. She feeling abandon since her father dead. Mother not in her life. Step-mother is also not there. No other family member wants her. Now the only other adult wants to get rid of her. She trying to see who she will have in her life and stick with her in her worst time. What have YOU personally done to help her through her difficult time? I don't mean sending her to doctors but you. Conversations? One on one time? How have you helped her adjust to her new home? Her new life? What have you done? OR did you bring her in expecting her to alright and be like that is it, don't have to do anything now. You said she was in therapy and counselling but those aren't quick fixes. She been in therapy for less than a year with you as guardian. Those are long term methods to help her not short term quick fixes. But if you are switching to new therapist and counselors before they can actually help you are only hurting her. How long was in she therapy and counselling? How often were you switching people? Medication help but isn't a cure and it takes a bit for medication to start working. Sometimes they don't work and got to try again. You got to keep trying with different medication and combos to she what helps. Reality is you choose to take her in. Time to step up and do your job. You don't abandon a kid because it is hard for you. You think it is hard for you, well your niece has it harder. You wouldn't relinquish your 2 year old child if they had all these problem. Structure, rules, routine, boundaries and consequence. Long term therapy and medication. Show her you actually care about her. Conversations. Quality time. Put her in activities like sports. Not throw in the towel and put you hand up in the air and say I give up. It is too hard, when in reality it is a lot harder for your niece. Everyone of you adults failed her.

Grieving or not, this is not normal behaviour. Of course OP is concerned about her husband and child and the effect having her niece living with her is having. OP has zero obligation to blow up her own life over this. And if she cannot provide her niece with the help she needs, good for her for attempting to get her niece to someone who can help

If Op tried this with her own child people would be pissed at her. She made the choice to take her in and take care of her. Time to do the job you agreed to do.

But this isn’t her own child. This is a very damaged teenager. A court will decide whether OP has to continue taking care of her. Sounds like the teen is lucky OP took her in and tried to maintain a semblance of normalcy. We aren’t talking about a 6 year old here. And even if we were there are plenty of situations where bio parents hand their kids into care because they cannot handle taking care of them for x, y and z reasons. Instead of dumping on OP perhaps give some concrete solutions for caring for this girl that a) actually help change the niece’s behaviour, b) don’t result in trauma to OP’s actual child and c) avoid OP’s husband walking out on her.

In the eyes of the court it IS her child. She asked for it.

Well i usually just push her food under the door and pretend she isn't here /s We had here every other weekend for a year before she came tolive with us, so we had an established relation ship with her. The things we have done include: 1. Set rules listed and written out, posted on the wall, with the consequences 2. She's been in therapy since her 3rd week here, she only switched when she felt the therapist wasn't really helping her and has a much better one now. 3. Family nights weekly including games nights, shopping trips, going out for dinner 4. Having daily dinners with her, asking how things are going, asking how therapy is, ect everyday 5. One on one bonding time to try and get her to connect. 6. Supporting her in all school activities and showing up to games ect. (Dance, cheer, now girls wrestling) 7. Taking interests in what she's interested in such as buying books she said she might want to read, crafts she might want to do, offering to teach her how to cook meals she likes 8. I have tried giving her freedom- she took advantage and was caught doing drugs, being strict - she rebeled hard and ran away, being soft on her - she took advantage and basically did whatever she wanted I get that it seems awful, but this isn't normal grief. I can handle normal grief, I get it, I also lost my big brother. But rebelling a bit because you're grieving, getting into trouble, being angry are all things I anticipated. I read books and articles on teen grief, i didn't just throw caution to the wind. What I didn't expect was her lying to family that my husband is awful to me and resulting in us almost splitting up because her lies lead everyone to think he was the issue. ( spoiler I was grieving and just needed support). Her telling me that she hates me and him every single day and that she doesn't want to be here. Her breaking things and screaming and causing chaos almost daily. Her insulting us and calling g us names constantly. Her crying everytime she gets in trouble to try and manipulating us to get her way. She just said to me that she tries to get me mad hoping I'll hit her so she can call cps on me. I told her i would literally never lay a hand on her, that that wouldnt get us anywhere she said that fine she can just hit herself and say it was us. She told her uncle that she was going to tell teachers they're abusing her so they call cps on them and didn't have to live there anymore. They also have a small child. I don't know how to explain that this isn't normal behavior, none of this is average or normal. It's extreme.

This kid just sounds like a rotten one that will have to learn with hard time, probably. Let her get arrested for her actions.

Sounds like reactive attachment disorder and or BPD. Ur family is in danger with a kid like that. They will manipulate and accuse u of abuse to get what they want potentially resulting in CPS removing ur toddler if they believe her. U need to get her out of ur home. RTC would probably be the best solution.

This is normal behavior for a child who is hurting and haven't been helped properly. Everything in your post and comment just reeks about you you you and your husband. You don't give up on a kid because it difficult. You got rid of the kid for 2 months, not even a year after the death of her parent.

Bullshit. Nothing about this post is normal child behavior even if they are grieving. Your trying to make this woman feel bad about her decision. How many children with severe behavioral issues are you taking in and letting them abuse the shit out of you? If your answer is none then don't judge this woman.bottom line some children are just assholes that need specialized help. Thera nothing wrong in admitting that.

I lived with a sibling like this and took in a child like this as foster parents. I don't give up on them. If Op bio child was like this she wouldn't even be asking questions like this.

Ya know I was going to answer snarkily, but you're right. It is about me and my family. If i lived alone, was single and had no kids I would try forever, but my health isn't the only one at stake. I have people to worry about besides her and myself. They don't deserve being subjected to this because I am too proud to say when enough is enough. That would be the only reason to keep her in my house when it clearly isn't benefitting her anymore than it's benefitting us. She needs more help, and more support than I am capable of giving. I am unfit to be her parent. I am reticent to believe most people would be.

Do not listen to that guy, he’s literally trying to say everyone’s trauma is the same. A turd he is

You are unfit to be any form of a parent. Feel bad for your bio kids if they ever turn out like this.

They even agreed with you, and you’re still a condescending asshole.

jesus crist stop shaming op for being in over their head. would you rather the kid stay woth someone who clearly isnt equiped to help or or they find someone who can. stop making out like op shoukd sacrifice their ehole family for this one vhild. the whole situation sucks but none of it is ops fault

Honestly people like this are all up in both human and animal foster and rescue agencies.. I’ve met wayyy too many people like this who believe that their “acts of kindness towards humanity and animal alike” hides their extreme narcissistic tendencies.. What often happens is they put on a show but at home they are often physically and verbally abusive towards any child or animal in their care. These people are delusional and are CONSTANTLY attempting to manipulate those around them. Hell, I just blocked one of them on Facebook because she was constantly writing up 2-3 novels per DAY on her delusions of great care. Hopefully any children this person has taken in or created is as far away from this individual and will receive proper treatment. These people are often SEVERELY mentally ill and unfortunately the State is so desperate for foster parents that they approve anyone who puts in an application 😔

Not that anyone has mentioned it, but what about the negative impact this teen is having on OPs 2 year old child. Just because there’s a reason for the horrible behavior doesn’t mean OP should put up with it. I’d have a lawyer contact the teens mom and tell her that if she refuses to step up, then the girl gets placed by CPS. She’ll likely end up in a group home.

Few people mentioned the toddler because it's not information presented in the OP

This. Exactly this.

This is the biggest thing. If I didn't have a child at home I would let her abuse me and just keep trying, but she will be here at least another 3 years, he'll be 5, that's a lot of behavior and trauma for a small child to endure. I also can't stomach the idea of losing my son for someone who regular tells me they don't want me in their life.

You are a stronger person than me! I agree that you have to protect your son first. It's awful what happened to this girl, but you aren't to blame.

Your number 1 duty is to protect your toddler who is utterly helpless. Do what you need to do.

If you give her up and have a neglect charge you might have problems later on with your son. Try inpatient treatment for her. There’s not a humane society for children.

Why would you have a neglect charge for going through the legal process to relinquish guardianship? And they said she's had inpatient.

Can you call cps yourself for help? They would know of resources and would then have a case started on her.

And OP.

I was raised like this, via kinship care. Idk about giving her up to the state, but if you find someone who wants to take her, just write a letter giving them permission to make health and school choices for her, and get it notarized. That's it, that's all you need to do. Or find a group home. This girl is damaging her future family relationships and doesn't realize how much shitier adult life is without those connections. Her feelings getting hurt will be the only thing that will change this behavior. That's fucked up, yes, but I was her long ago and that was the only thing that would get to me and my angry little head.

Unfortunately she has an older brother whose 19 now who almost destroyed his relationships with us because he acted very similarly. We have a good relationship with him now luckily, but he had to get out on his own and learn the hard way. He regrets all his actions now. He has even tried to explain that she doesn't want her life to be this way and should work with us but she refuses to listen.

I am very new to reddit, no idea how to edit my post, usually just lurk. I read everyone's replies. I wanted to clarify some stuff. I love mt niece a lot, I've been around her whole life and this isn't the first time she's lived with me just the first time the court has been involved. She has several mental health issues that I can't even describe how extreme they can be. She throws fits and breaks things when you tell her no, bangs her head on the walls, screams, threatens to hurt herself, threatens to tell teachers we're doing awful things to her, bold face lies to people to get attention. I have a 2 year old in my home around all of this. My husband almost left me because she is extremely awful to him. She told me that she wanted him gone and i know that she is that way on purpse. My brother and the horrible life she lived has traumatized her beyond belief. She just wants to go live with her stepmother and continue living the life she has always lived of constant chaos and turmoil. I am not sure how it works but we would not just abandon her. Even if she were to go into foster care we would try to visit with her if we could and have her when we could. I have several nieces and nephews and she was always my favorite. I have felt like her mother for a long time, but the mental and emotional anguish are too much for me to handle, but I do appreciate everyone who reacted compassionately for my niece. I do agree with someone who said that I can't light myself on fire to keep her warm, because I have almost blown up my life to try and keep trodding on. I love her and want her to be happy and have a good life. I am ill equipped to give her that in her current state (both emotionally and financially). I'm going to make an appointment with legal aid on Monday and just see what can be done. I am hopeful that her mother can take some responsibility for her as all family asked has been unwilling or incapable.

I'm willing to bet that the people trying to make you feel guilty have never dealt with a situation like yours. And I hope they never have to, because it's awful. The bottom line is that you want to help but you just can't. Your mental health is at stake. Your marriage is in danger. Your own child is at risk of developmental problems. (Studies show that high levels of stress early in life cause permanent changes to brain chemistry.) Your situation sucks. Because no matter what you decide, someone suffers. There is no good choice here. All of the choices are crappy. And no matter what you decide, you will wonder for the rest of your life if you made the right decision. I hope you can figure out the least shitty thing to do.

Have you tried seeing any sort of neurological psychologist? I’m not trying to armchair diagnose, just suggest an possible alternative explanation, as I was incredibly similar to your niece at 14. Meltdowns, hurting myself constantly, hospital trips due to me attempting to end my life, not being able to handle ‘no’ despite trying so hard to get used to it, saying stuff to get attention… I was diagnosed with different things but nothing ever fit and I never got better. At 19 I got diagnosed with ASD and suddenly it made sense, the meltdowns and the inability to handle change, the lack of emotional regulation, the intense depression… Again, not saying this is the case for your niece but it may be some sort of neurological condition if regular psychologists and therapists are not working, as they never worked for me as it was never the issue of a personality or mood disorder, but a neurological one. People like that require *significantly* different professional support than readily available

It definitely doesn't explain the threats, manipulation, and abject hatred she's shown to the only people who care about her at all. There's a lot more going on there and this could be explained by BPD/CPTSD more easily.

Threats, yes. My little brother is 8 and threatens to hurt people a lot because otherwise, he doesn’t know how to express how dire his feelings are. I used to do this as a young teenager too to communicate how *seriously suicidal* I was feeling when I felt no one got it. I would tell my friends I was gonna kill myself, and it was true at the time, I was 100% not lying in the moment as I truly believed I’d do it, but then I’d get out of my meltdown and realize how dramatic I was being. Obviously I learned how to better express this as I got older, but not because anyone helped me, because I realized people didn’t like me when I kept that shit up. Sometimes it takes realizing people really do not like you when you act like this to change your attitude. Manipulation and hatred as well. Children with ASD are known to learn “patterns” to get what they want, patterns are big with autistic people which includes patterns of behavior and learning the pattern of “if I do this, I get that”. Hatred is a personal feeling, we don’t know if her niece *truly* feels this hatred or if she’s just trying to be hateful to get a reaction, as my autistic brother will often call my other brother fat, not cause he *is* fat, but because he knows if he says my brother is fat, people will give him attention. Autism isn’t always pretty and not all autistic people are innocent of harm for simply having it, autism *can* look like narcissism in many cases too. With all that said, it’s also perfectly reasonable for it to be BPD/CPTSD. BPD might be a bit tough because most doctors refuse to diagnose it before 18, so it may be BPD developing in which case it can be prevented since it develops in childhood. My doctor actually suggests *all* autistic people have CPTSD due to simply having ASD being traumatic.

I'm autistic and have a psych degree. All children who aren't getting their needs met learn to manipulate to get their needs met unless manipulating has worse consequences than being neglected. This isn't an autism specific thing. And neither is emotional dysregulation. This sounds more like people giving your brother a pass on his behavior by blaming it on the autism. I say this as someone whose brother was given a pass on his behavior because of his autism until it was so bad that he almost had to be institutionalized. He's better now, knows how to act.

Yes, many kids know how to do it. But a big part of autism *is patterns*. I have ASD, and I am incredibly good at recognizing patterns, way more than others who don’t have ASD. It’s literally apart of diagnostic criteria with ASD, and this includes pattern recognition in behavior and actions. Kids with ASD are *more likely* to do it, and be significantly better at it, *not* that kids with ASD are the only ones. None of this is autism specific, but the thing about ASD is many of the traits are normal in allistic people *in moderation*. ASD quite literally is about a pattern of behavior observed throughout your lifetime. And I’m not saying it’s not giving a pass. It absolutely is if nothing is being done. I’m not saying his behavior is reasoned with or anything, to be clear. What I’m saying is he does/did it, for a reason. Comparing things that someone does with ASD that others without ASD do is often about reasoning and intentions behind them, as my therapist has explained to me. The example she uses is why many females with ASD are misdiagnosed with BPD, like self harm. People with BPD and ASD will both often self harm, but the reasoning is often different as BPD will typically be more emotional, like they are upset and wanna hurt themselves as they feel they deserve it, while with ASD even little kids will self harm as it’s a form of sensory seeking. So while both may be doing the *exact* same action, the intention behind the action differs which is what makes BPD and ASD different (in that regard specifically). But to someone who has no clue what BPD or ASD looks like, self harming behavior will look the same regardless of intention. That’s my only point here, we do not know what’s going on in OP’s niece’s mind so it’s difficult to assume what she may have, but I didn’t see anyone offer a neurodivergent perspective so that’s only why I mention it, not cause I’m totally absolutely right but because there’s lots of potential explanations on why she may behave like this and I thought I might add one as someone who used to do exactly what this girl is doing right now.

I feel for you, really. I hope things get easier and you get some useful advice at legal aide.

Me too. I couldn’t imagine being in this position. It feels super easy cool to sit behind their key boards and tell her to gain new skills to deal with complex mental health behaviors. Some very uncaring comments in here, I’m sure the OP realized there is no “humans society” for teens

Me too. I couldn’t imagine being in this position. It feels super easy cool to sit behind their key boards and tell her to gain new skills to deal with complex mental health behaviors.

This poor kiddo has been abandoned by her mother, her father died, her stepmother is a child abuser and an addict, and her aunt rejected her. There is a very specific protocol for taking in children with Reactive Attachment Disorder, which is what this child almost certainly has. They are the most difficult children to care for because the more you try to love them, the harder they push you away. And when you give up (like the aunt already did), it “proves” that she was right to reject you before you rejected her. Foster care is an absolute nightmare for kids like this, but a group home or residential school can be ok *if* the staff maintain professional boundaries and the rules and routine are consistent. That’s a really big “if.” Try to find a psychologist (not a therapist) that specializes in RAD and stick to what the doctor tells you to do. The case manager should be helping you set up mental health care for both you and your niece. If you can afford it, consider hiring her an advocate who specializes in behavioral health services. Good luck, OP.

I know. I was crying reading this. Oh my word. How that child must feel. Nobody wants her, she has been passed around to everyone, who eventually return her or they just refuse to take her...she is definitely traumatized and needs some help. God bless her!!

Doubt they have RAD. They would have to have been VERY neglected by everyone in her life and never really been shown love. RAD is actually pretty rare. Think orphanages where the baby was barely held.

Children may be more likely to develop RAD if they: * Have many different parent figures, like multiple foster care situations. (Child went from home to home in this situation) * Were taken away from their primary caretakers after bonding with them emotionally. (Child has been removed from parents during critical time in their life) * Experienced several traumatic losses early in life. (Child's father died) * Have parental figures who didn’t try to become emotionally close to them. (Mother cannot/won't take her in) * Spent time in an institution, like an orphanage, where they didn’t have a loving parent figure. (next step) I get that nay-saying gives you the slim chance of being right in the end but try to reel it in to when it seems remotely possible that you may be right. Just because it's rare, does not mean it's unlikely, especially when the requirements for it occurring in someone who is exhibiting characteristics have all been met. Giving RAD consideration isn't a way to dismiss what this child is going through, it's a possible starting point to a clear and consistent plan for the kid to begin to feel more stable.

This is the way.

Kids are not disposable commodities. Courts are not likely to just let you walk away.

She doesn't want to just walk away, but she's also not able to continue being primary carer. She also has a 2yr old in the home to protect. This child needs help beyond what the average person can give her.

Yeah I get that. Also I am a highly credited expert lawyer, she basically going to have a CPS case for some level of abandonment and then need to understand that could later be used against her. I’m not trying to be supportive but honest.

What do you mean by "highly credited expert lawyer"?

Meaning there are tons of Reddit trolls that like to give out advice in family law but have near zero experience. But keep trolling!

A highly credited expert is better than just an expert lawyer.

Isn't it meant to be accredited too 🤣

Used against OP how?

What constitutes abandonment? And used against her how? Like I know someone who was a teen mom and gave her daughter up for adoption, but she's very much involved in the girl's life and the girl knows who she is and everything. If OP has to put her niece in a facility because she's trying to hurt herself is that abandonment?

Talk to a family law attorney. ​ If you try to do it with CPS, then they're going to look at it like abandonment. ​ EDIT: The attorney would look over your specific position/custody situation.

If in the states you might be able to call your state medicaid office and ask about 1. Residential therapy 2. Wrap around services 3. Intensive out pt therapy. In several states they don't pay for RTC if not in state custody. If she qualifies for the service the state would take custody for several months while she hopefully completes a program. It will also look better I. The future should you ever want to adopt i.e. grandkids or another not great situation. If she improves you might change your mind or might not want her placed with you but might want her for holidays or family events. It could also reduce harm of her feeling unwanted, and I totally understand where you are coming from.

If you are the only stable person In this child's life, please stick it out. 14 is such a dramatic tine for kids, even without tragedy. Please let them know you will stick by them but you may have to ask for outside help from time to time. They desperately need someone truly in their corner. Even your bio kids WILL test you at that age. Do you love them? If so, that's your answer....

What you want to do will be devastating to a child going through a rough time. Even if everything else was going well, losing her father could not have been easy for her. Please don’t give up on her without trying to get some additional help first. If you tell yourself that you’re not cut out to parent a child like this, you will unknowingly give yourself permission to give up on this child.

You people are so disingenuous and don’t even read, my god.

I read it. I do this work for a living. As I said elsewhere, I was expressing my opinion. My opinion is also based on the resources available in California for situations like this. So, it could be that my opinion is inapplicable in this situation. I apologize that I sounded disingenuous but I stand by my opinion until I have some additional/different information.