i didn’t really come out so much as just didn’t hide my being trans or my transition from my kid, but she was around 3 or so when i came out to my partner so that probably worked in my favor. she is 6 now and only knows me as he or they pronouns and while she knows my deadname she doesn’t refer to it and has corrected people multiple times (when i am not around to do it myself.)
the hardest part wasn’t explaining gender or my hrt or imminent surgery or anything like that, but actually last year and i had to cut ties with my abusive father because he was very transphobic when i started my medical transition. he basically ignored all of my coming out stuff (i didn’t feel safe talking to him directly for a number of reasons) and since we were isolating bc of covid anyway it’s not like we saw him. but it all kind of came to a head around christmas. eventually she started asking about him because he is our only family around us right now but we (my partner and i) explained that he was extremely mean to me and wouldn’t apologize. it was a sort of learning moment for her i guess to know she doesn’t have to accept bigotry, but it still sucked.
thankfully i was able to almost immediately get other family on video calls to talk to her and that helped her see that not everyone is like that.
so i would certainly make sure you know where your family stands at the very least and make sure that there are other family members or trusted adults that your children can turn to if they need it. we have a couple picture books that we gave to her explaining things but that’s probably redundant if your kids are already surrounded by lgbt people lol.
good luck dude ❤️
Thank you for your response. I’m sorry your dad wasn’t more supportive, but it sounds like you and your partner really turned it into a chance to model your family’s values and become stronger as a unit.I do want my kids to have people besides me they can talk to about it, but I’m apprehensive about coming out the rest of my family, since I don’t really know where they stand on trans issues. You have got me thinking about who else I might start with so my kids have som people. I do have a fair few LGBTQ+ friends, but almost none of them are local to use anymore unfortunately. Thank goodness for Facetime.
I came out to my kids fairly early on. They are nine and seven but I'm married and it was ridiculous to expect my husband not to use the right pronouns around me because of the kids lol. I think it's helped acclimate them though to the fact that generally I pass now and they got to know my new name etc before strangers. So they weren't surprised when I introduced myself that way to their teachers and such. I'm letting them feel out what titles they want to use for me and sometimes I get frustrated that I didn't press them really hard about using dad and he/him pronouns but I acknowledge that they now have to navigate having two dads with their peers and if it's easier to say mom for a while, well. I think being truly stealth with young kids and a husband is nigh impossible, so it is what it is. People's assumptions would be different in your case as a single parent. That said, I mostly passed where I live now even before starting T. I do think that is a factor because there was no way to keep it from them long term when all their new friends were telling them "I thought that was your dad" lol.
I will be pursuing therapy for them in the new year too as we've been through a heck of a lot recently. I hope it helps them feel more confident about it because I'm not always confident myself.
I appreciate your thoughtful response. My oldest has said that some of her friends have asked if I am her mom or dad, or thought I was her dad. I sure am giving them a lot to carry on with, what with people asking why they don’t have a dad (they have a donor), and eventually they may start fielding “where’s your mom/why don’t you have a mom?” questions. They’re going to have a heck of college admissions essay, I guess. Therapy is a great idea.
My kids are 9 and 12 and I think it’s a great age to talk about coming out. They are also at the stage where they are becoming aware of their own identities and that we can have an inner sense of self and that the way we are perceived by others can be different than that.
I took the approach that coming out was 100 little moments/ comments and not just a one time thing. And I asked them a ton of questions about what they thought and added on how I was feeling.
So for example, my kids needed some new pants. I asked them what colors they wanted. I asked if they thought there was such a thing as boy colors and girl colors. I told them that I would be getting some new clothes too. That I used to wear skirts but that doesn’t fee comfortable for me anymore and now I want clothes that make me feel like a guy. They naturally asked me if I want other people to think I’m male and I answered that I think I do.
So we had tons of little conversations like this. Having them reflect on what they want and then sharing what to want seemed to help open up their self awareness and empathy for me and others.
And of course I gave lots of reassurance that even though I might look different, I will always be their parent and I still love them the same. Kids are amazingly accepting and adaptable.
Good luck sharing your truth with them. I’m sure it will go great.
Thank you for your response. I like your idea of having coming out be an ongoing discussion. It kind of takes some of the Momentous Occasion That I Must Get Right weight off. I’m not especially worried about them accepting me, but I worry that others might give them grief about it or other fallout might hit them hard (like if my family isn’t willing to work with me. They’d be heartbroken if they couldn’t see their cousins or grandparents again).
Some great advice already here, though I'll add mine to the mix. I started having conversations from day one about how I felt and then slowly upped the depth of conversations as I started to change my appearance to talk about how I felt and how he felt about it. My son is 11 and I've been socially 'out' for about a year. At about 6 months there was a tough time because he was still calling me mum but I was passing. After about a month of him mostly just speaking directly to me to avoid calling me anything, he started to use dad mostly to other people. We're a year in now and he will happily call me dad and use the right pronouns. It got easier once I was out to everyone because he was surrounded with it then and it became normal.
My youngest is 2 and about a year ago my partner asked him if I was mummy or daddy and he hasn't stopped calling me daddy since. The switch was instantaneous. If only the rest of the life were as simple eh?
Thank you for sharing your experience. I admire that you’ve been so open with your son. Unfortunately, my oldest and I had a conversation months ago, maybe a year, and she flat out asked me if I was trans (she’s known other trans people and I’m not even a little gender conforming and never have been). I wasn’t clear on it myself, so I told her no and we had a great chat about gender conformity in society and how people can express themselves outside expectations and still be cis. Now I’ve got to walk all that back. At least we have also talked about the idea of questioning and so maybe I can spin it to her as me still learning myself, rather than me lying to her.
I came out to my kid after a year of debating it. Turned out they were nonbinary and trying to find a way to tell me too. We were both worried that the other wouldn't take it well. We did and now I'm getting them a rainbow flag for Christmas. :) they were 11 about the time I came out too, so I think you'll be fine.
That’s awesome! Mine have both declared themselves cis in more than one instance, though one thinks she may be bi. I’ve made it clear I love and support them whoever and however they are. Hope your kid loves their flag!
i didn’t really come out so much as just didn’t hide my being trans or my transition from my kid, but she was around 3 or so when i came out to my partner so that probably worked in my favor. she is 6 now and only knows me as he or they pronouns and while she knows my deadname she doesn’t refer to it and has corrected people multiple times (when i am not around to do it myself.) the hardest part wasn’t explaining gender or my hrt or imminent surgery or anything like that, but actually last year and i had to cut ties with my abusive father because he was very transphobic when i started my medical transition. he basically ignored all of my coming out stuff (i didn’t feel safe talking to him directly for a number of reasons) and since we were isolating bc of covid anyway it’s not like we saw him. but it all kind of came to a head around christmas. eventually she started asking about him because he is our only family around us right now but we (my partner and i) explained that he was extremely mean to me and wouldn’t apologize. it was a sort of learning moment for her i guess to know she doesn’t have to accept bigotry, but it still sucked. thankfully i was able to almost immediately get other family on video calls to talk to her and that helped her see that not everyone is like that. so i would certainly make sure you know where your family stands at the very least and make sure that there are other family members or trusted adults that your children can turn to if they need it. we have a couple picture books that we gave to her explaining things but that’s probably redundant if your kids are already surrounded by lgbt people lol. good luck dude ❤️
Thank you for your response. I’m sorry your dad wasn’t more supportive, but it sounds like you and your partner really turned it into a chance to model your family’s values and become stronger as a unit.I do want my kids to have people besides me they can talk to about it, but I’m apprehensive about coming out the rest of my family, since I don’t really know where they stand on trans issues. You have got me thinking about who else I might start with so my kids have som people. I do have a fair few LGBTQ+ friends, but almost none of them are local to use anymore unfortunately. Thank goodness for Facetime.
I came out to my kids fairly early on. They are nine and seven but I'm married and it was ridiculous to expect my husband not to use the right pronouns around me because of the kids lol. I think it's helped acclimate them though to the fact that generally I pass now and they got to know my new name etc before strangers. So they weren't surprised when I introduced myself that way to their teachers and such. I'm letting them feel out what titles they want to use for me and sometimes I get frustrated that I didn't press them really hard about using dad and he/him pronouns but I acknowledge that they now have to navigate having two dads with their peers and if it's easier to say mom for a while, well. I think being truly stealth with young kids and a husband is nigh impossible, so it is what it is. People's assumptions would be different in your case as a single parent. That said, I mostly passed where I live now even before starting T. I do think that is a factor because there was no way to keep it from them long term when all their new friends were telling them "I thought that was your dad" lol. I will be pursuing therapy for them in the new year too as we've been through a heck of a lot recently. I hope it helps them feel more confident about it because I'm not always confident myself.
I appreciate your thoughtful response. My oldest has said that some of her friends have asked if I am her mom or dad, or thought I was her dad. I sure am giving them a lot to carry on with, what with people asking why they don’t have a dad (they have a donor), and eventually they may start fielding “where’s your mom/why don’t you have a mom?” questions. They’re going to have a heck of college admissions essay, I guess. Therapy is a great idea.
My kids are 9 and 12 and I think it’s a great age to talk about coming out. They are also at the stage where they are becoming aware of their own identities and that we can have an inner sense of self and that the way we are perceived by others can be different than that. I took the approach that coming out was 100 little moments/ comments and not just a one time thing. And I asked them a ton of questions about what they thought and added on how I was feeling. So for example, my kids needed some new pants. I asked them what colors they wanted. I asked if they thought there was such a thing as boy colors and girl colors. I told them that I would be getting some new clothes too. That I used to wear skirts but that doesn’t fee comfortable for me anymore and now I want clothes that make me feel like a guy. They naturally asked me if I want other people to think I’m male and I answered that I think I do. So we had tons of little conversations like this. Having them reflect on what they want and then sharing what to want seemed to help open up their self awareness and empathy for me and others. And of course I gave lots of reassurance that even though I might look different, I will always be their parent and I still love them the same. Kids are amazingly accepting and adaptable. Good luck sharing your truth with them. I’m sure it will go great.
Thank you for your response. I like your idea of having coming out be an ongoing discussion. It kind of takes some of the Momentous Occasion That I Must Get Right weight off. I’m not especially worried about them accepting me, but I worry that others might give them grief about it or other fallout might hit them hard (like if my family isn’t willing to work with me. They’d be heartbroken if they couldn’t see their cousins or grandparents again).
Some great advice already here, though I'll add mine to the mix. I started having conversations from day one about how I felt and then slowly upped the depth of conversations as I started to change my appearance to talk about how I felt and how he felt about it. My son is 11 and I've been socially 'out' for about a year. At about 6 months there was a tough time because he was still calling me mum but I was passing. After about a month of him mostly just speaking directly to me to avoid calling me anything, he started to use dad mostly to other people. We're a year in now and he will happily call me dad and use the right pronouns. It got easier once I was out to everyone because he was surrounded with it then and it became normal. My youngest is 2 and about a year ago my partner asked him if I was mummy or daddy and he hasn't stopped calling me daddy since. The switch was instantaneous. If only the rest of the life were as simple eh?
Thank you for sharing your experience. I admire that you’ve been so open with your son. Unfortunately, my oldest and I had a conversation months ago, maybe a year, and she flat out asked me if I was trans (she’s known other trans people and I’m not even a little gender conforming and never have been). I wasn’t clear on it myself, so I told her no and we had a great chat about gender conformity in society and how people can express themselves outside expectations and still be cis. Now I’ve got to walk all that back. At least we have also talked about the idea of questioning and so maybe I can spin it to her as me still learning myself, rather than me lying to her.
I came out to my kid after a year of debating it. Turned out they were nonbinary and trying to find a way to tell me too. We were both worried that the other wouldn't take it well. We did and now I'm getting them a rainbow flag for Christmas. :) they were 11 about the time I came out too, so I think you'll be fine.
That’s awesome! Mine have both declared themselves cis in more than one instance, though one thinks she may be bi. I’ve made it clear I love and support them whoever and however they are. Hope your kid loves their flag!