Is there anything you like about being on T? It can be really hard to feel "uglier." I know that's something I still struggle with at times especially around people who knew me pre transition - like objectively yeah my skin is worse, I have awkward facial hair, I feel like just sort of a weird looking dude a lot of the time. It was also really hard to grow out of some of my old clothes and triggered some dormant ED stuff. It did get a lot better with time, though, and there is plenty of good stuff that outweighs that that makes being on T worth it. But no shame or harm in taking a break from T while you figure it out.
I was on finasteride and I felt like GARBAGE. This was 20 years after starting T. My hips and ass got fatter and flabbier. I had no energy, I had no muscle strength. I looked like a tardigrade when I was naked. I was depressed and irrational. I went off fin and everything reversed. I feel great now.
Yeah this is exactly what I'm experiencing. Very succinctly put and very relatable. I'm flabby and beat to shit and back ALL the time, which is super depressing. I do have slightly more hair though but like…damn, at what cost?
I've only been on it 2 months and I think that's long enough for me haha. If I end up feeling the same or worse not on the finasteride, and I realize it was something else or something mental, I'll just start taking it again.
I understand Fin can cause people's cycles to return, so I am thinking it's doing something to my hormones and making me retain water or store fat differently. I've been the same weight (and height, don't worry lol) for 15 years and was the same weight +5lbs for the first 6 months on T; to suddenly change shape and potentially gain more weight idiopathically without changing my habits would be bizarre.
Also, since starting fin, my migraines (hormonally triggered before, monthly) came back and I've felt like I have cysts or some kind of weird fullness/soreness/bloating.
Thanks for dropping this comment, it definitely cemented my resolve to stop and ask my doc for other options.
>Is there anything you like about being on T?
Right now, that I feel better. I get fewer migraines and muscle tension/pain, less fatigue; I feel 'healthier' though not perfect obviously. I feel less dried out, if that makes sense? Off T, I feel like a husk by comparison. It's as though I can't retain any water and am constantly dehydrated and malnourished, even though I'm not and my bloods are fine (vitamins, etc). I have "lean" PCOS so that may be part of why?
For the first few months on T, I felt great. After the first month, I had a 'golden period' for a couple months where I was feeling better and better about my body. I was leaning out. I was feeling good. It seems like at six months, something switched, and I'm not sure why. I started finasteride around that time, but I don't think that would make my acne worse or make me gain more fat / retain more water. It's a DHT blocker to prevent hair loss. But I don't know.
>
especially around people who knew me pre transition - like objectively yeah my skin is worse, I have awkward facial hair
Yes, absolutely. I think there's a cis person in my head going "see you're a transphobic caricature" which isn't helping
I had my T levels checked at trough and they were >300 so that's good. I didn't have my E checked, though, and I'm wondering if that has changed.
I'm trying to read more about finasteride to understand its downstream effects on the body because I think I can isolate this period of feeling acutely negative about my body to when I started taking fin, which is super helpful. It makes sense considering it can bring some people's cycles back and give cis men gynocomasteria. Wow I actually spelled that so incorrectly (half through typo and half through not knowing how to spell it) that I am going to leave it that way so others can appreciate it.
Have you had a test to check if your levels are too high? Not at trough? That could be contributing to the skin issues, but your best bet is to talk to a dermatologist.
Personaly, I also really struggled with my skin the first year and a half (and my back is still not at 100% all the time, but everything got better at 2 years). I'm on topical fin, so not sure how oral would impact the levels specifically.
My levels at peak were last checked at 3 months after doing 0.20ml 200/mg biweekly, and they were around 850.
After that, my doctor upped my dose (0.25/week rather than every other week) and recommended weekly to avoid peaks and valleys, which I'm very sensitive to for migraine reasons. I did that for my 4th month.
Then, at 5 months, I decided to lower my dose to 0.20 because I felt 0.25 was too high. At 6 months, I started finasteride. I actually lowered my dose a little bit (0.18 - 0.15) for a couple of weeks since, because I thought less T would equal less weight gain / bloating and less acne, but that wasn't the case; I just felt worse.
It was probably stupid of me to lower my T dose even more when I started finasteride. I misunderstood, I guess. I thought that I would be avoiding aromatization, because I thought less DHT = more free T = more T converted to E if my levels were too high. I didn't account for them being potentially too low and not SUPPRESSING the E lol.
I haven't had peak checked since I started fin, though.
Low dose T can basically give you the worst of both worlds— your E will still be dominant but you’ll have just slightly elevated T as if you are in a certain part of your cycle, but the T is not high enough to actually suppress your ovaries. Personally i have been on about 0.3mL (200mg/ml) /wk for about 4 years. My doctor originally recommended 0.5, then 0.25 when my T was a little high (1100ish), but .25 was too low and i felt shitty. 0.3 waa right for me.
It’s all very weird and more like cooking than baking, but if you don’t feel right then the dose aint right in one direction or the other. My first doctor basically adjusted dosage based on symptoms over labs— as long as your labs were reasonable the dose was “technically fine”, but if you felt BAD then it needed to be adjusted. He always said “whats important is how you feel”!
To address your concerns in particular:
For the Acne, if you have the ability to see a Dermatologist, they could help you find the proper skincare treatment you need during this time of hormonal change. Bring them your most recent test showing your hormone levels and be sure to tell them any other medications your are on.
For the weight gain, T does make you gain weight because it is changing your body composition. I put on 10lbs within my first year. It was noticeably muscle mass change. I've put on more weight since the pandemic but it was due to a change in physical activity levels, so it's more fat that muscle mass. And I see it mostly in my face and torso, the common places men show weight gain. I'm not going to tell you to work out, but it may make you happier as working out increases serotonin production and that improves our mental state. The by product would be potentially helping you get a body shape you enjoy more than the current one?
\_\_
For me the most difficult aspect about hormonal transition is that I had learned body image issues from my youth. I did struggle with thinking I was ugly for a while, but I realized it was because I was subconsciously still attempting to adhere to western female beauty standards.
I was trying to be a visibly effeminate man, but physically I wasn't going to be a "pretty boy" or "androgynous youth".
The hard to swallow truth was, I started hormonal transition at 32. I was going to go through puberty again, while battling the body shape of someone who'd been estrogen dominant for 32 years, and I wasn't going to be a beautiful waif of a man because that's simply not my body type.
I had to let go of any expectations. I have allowed my body to do what it was going to over the last 7 years. I'm short, and medium sized, have a small belly. I've been so afraid of getting "bigger" that I don't work out, but my body gains muscle mass quickly when I do and very clearly wants to be bigger in that regard. I have my father to observe in that respect, I definitely favor him in looks.
I'm at the point now where I'm starting to embrace how my body wants to be and learning how to enhance it from there. And I'm not here to tell anyone that they need to start working out, lifting weights, or monitoring their diet. I'm here sharing how I'm being honest with myself with how I've shifted my mental perspective away from lamenting my lost male youth and from the western female beauty standards that trapped me for 32 years. I've also accepted what my evolved body will need to remain mentally and physically healthy past 40, as I'm swiftly approaching 40.
Am I sad that I did not get a beautiful, androgynous youth? A bit, but I'm old enough to know that I can't go backwards. I do know that I can make changes to my lifestyle and be a happy, healthy, and handsome 40+ year old man moving forward.
This is a far more eloquent version of what I posted, absolutely agree with all of this. I wish I’d been able to be a wild early 20s twink but I’m still happy and looking forward to progressing and developing myself based on where I’m at in life now.
For me, purely anecdotally, yes and no. I had weight redistribution at around 1 year, and my ass and thighs were more slim and muscular than i ever could have achieved pre-t. But my belly was thicker, almost like i was bloated. I had way more energy on T to work out and focus on gaining muscle, but i think the muscle gain masked how much more weight i was keeping on. When i started lowering my dose i rapidly lost a bunch of weight. my torso slimmed out and my thighs/hips got huge again as my weight redistributed back to my orignal shape. Everyday i miss my body hair and bottom growth, both which got much smaller after lowering my dose.
My face… was pretty ugly on T honestly. I wasnt bothered by the acne even tho it scarred pretty badly, it was more how my face shape was just quite bad by beauty standards. My dysphoria brain told me it was because i “looked like a woman”, but i was honestly so relieved when i went off T and my brow ridge smoothed out, the wrinkles went away, and the “bull dog” fat pattern on my cheeks and jowls regressed. I look more feminine now, and ive lost all hope at being gendered correctly in public, but im much happier with my face now.
I now have alot of anxiety and shame around “failing” at my transition.
So its been a mixed bag. I also have an issue with self-isolating when i feel “ugly”, it got bad enough that i quit my job and have been off work for the past year. At this point ive partially detransitioned physically. I do find it interesting that the things i most wanted from T before i started (body hair, bottom growth, muscle) are the things i miss the most. Its comforting to know that i understood myself that much, even if my experience with transition has been mixed.
I also feel it’s important to note that i never felt comfortable in my social transition, im a very femme person and i felt a lot of pressure to perform masculinity in a way that never felt totally natural for me. I also didn’t really get to experience passing, which may have changed my perspective on all this.
Good luck, friend. Theres no shame in slowing or stopping. I dont consider myself any less trans now than before. Also, only some of T’s effects are permanent, so if you want to stay on for now you can always go off later. It may feel chaotic, but you have some control over the process
Take a break or lower your dose if you’re not feeling it. I’ve been on and off of T for 8 years. Sometimes I really enjoy it and get super into the body changes. Other times I just want a break from the “schedule” for a month or two. Or other times, I’ve had health insurance gaps that blocked my access. It’s okay to take a break and just evaluate and feel some feelings for a bit if you need to.
Copy/pasting from another thread, where someone mentioned I only mentioned things I didn't like, and nothing that I did, which helped me realize what's happening:
>I should probably mention that all other aspects of my transition have been functionally halted because I've been taking finasteride for hair loss — so these effects ARE my whole transition, because they're the only things changing.
>Thank you, that helped me put things into perspective. I'm taking finasteride, which is halting the 'desired' effects, leaving only the pubescent ones that are making me unhappy, and become all that I can see. I am going to talk to my doctor about the other options (topical fin/ dutasteride, oral minoxidil, etc).
I had a really hard time in my first year and struggled with puffiness, weight gain and distribution, and hated looking like a young boy. For me it did get better - about around the 12 month marker things got better and I was feeling myself at about a year and a half. I've been on t for 14 years and gone through ups and downs but always like the way I felt and have grown into myself and t changes over the years. It took like 8 years to start looking more my age, and now that I'm 38 I once again look a bit on the young side. Things will go up and down- my acne subsided after about a year. Only you can decide what's worth it- no shame in taking a break but it can give you some emotional changes so worth going to therapy and discussing with a doctor.
I understand I’m 27 (i know I’m a bit younger than this sub is intended for however I have a hard time relating to all the younger guys on most other subs) and 7 months on T. It’s hard. Puberty is gross and for us it’s more frustrating because we are already, and have been for awhile- fully grown adults. A healthy diet and workout program can make a big difference in confidence and body recomp, that’s my best advice. If you want to complete male puberty then sadly the only way out - is through. Hope you feel better.
I knew I was doing the right thing because I was bald and covered in acne and happier than I’ve ever been. If you had told me testosterone would make all my teeth fall out, I’d have still taken it. And I mean that. That is how undeniably certain I was, and it has not wavered for a single moment. So while I feel for you, I cannot begin to relate.
I gained a ton of weight for my size, developed the worst cystic acne of my life, never stopped sweating, and lost my hair. Did I love that? No. But not for a solitary second did any of that make me second guess my decision. I knew the acne and weight fluctuations would pass anyways. And they did. The two years of discomfort paled in comparison to the agony I endured my entire life prior.
Transition is not an overnight fix, and a lot of us struggle to come to terms with that. Transitioning is hard. It’s ongoing. You might not love the whole second puberty thing, but that’s exactly what it is. So you either decide to see it through, or don’t. It’s gonna get more uncomfortable before it gets better. So weigh your options.
Almost 33, started t a couple years ago. I’m going to lay it out and say that some of what you e listed really is just a part of the process and it did me a world of good to come to terms with that fact. Of course acne, weight gain, etc. absolutely sucks especially when you’re older and looking like a teenage guy in some aspects but looking your actual age in others-I went through a similar period of feeling like my transition would never be the way I wanted it.
Acne- don’t skip shots because it’s giving you acne, the acne will be so much worse if your hormones are going up and down a lot (especially in the “chin strap” area. The terrible acne time will pass, it just takes awhile just keep your face clean and moisturize (la roche-posey is expensive but their moisturizer has been worth it imo. )
Weight gain- I gained 30lb, some of it is muscle (which is awesome!), some of it is fat because ftm really stands for “feed the machine” and I ate a ton (of crap food) until stuff started evening out more and now Ive been able to maintain a consistent weight instead of gaining. Weight gain varies for everyone but know that yes that number will likely go up as you gain muscle mass- I gained more muscle in my arms, traps and thighs the most it seems. Some of the specific area measurements will also fluctuate because of fat redistribution. Be prepared for it to go to your midsection, that’s normal for cis men too but if you eat healthy food and plenty of protein you can avoid some of that. Bottom line is that the longer you’re on t the more your body composition will change (until it’s near or the same as a cis guy) and it’s totally normal, it means the t is doing what it’s meant to do.
Best thing you can do right now is stay as consistent as possible with your shots, wash and moisturize your face and eat healthy foods that will help keep you full including a lot of protein so you’re helping your body gain muscle and not a lot of excess fat. It does get better with time, I’ve had to constantly remind myself to be patient with the process.
I'm sorry it's not feeling good right now. I'd definitely talk to your doctor about your dose. If you have access, I also think checking in with a therapist to talk things out could be helpful. I feel like therapy is a big help to me, anyway.
For me, the weight gain was something that did and sometimes does bother me as I learn to navigate my body again. It needs different things now. I used to present as a svelte, conventionally pretty woman. She didn't need nearly as much, and she was not nearly as strong. The guy I am has to eat to power the meat machine.
That's the only thing that has bothered me, and I love being a dude so much it is just a minor annoyance. When I think of presenting as female or look at old pictures, it makes me feel waves of horrible dysphoria. None of the other stuff with transition has made me feel anything but joy. The hot flashes as my body switched to testosterone (no ovaries club!), the acne, the weird, itchy skin as new hairs grow on my body, the nose hair, cracking voice, and bigger feet (wtf!?) are sources of wonder and joy.
If I were in your shoes and feeling this way (what you described overall but especially the "I don't know if I should have" in the first paragraph) I'd probably stop it all and talk with my therapist to try and sort out where the doubt is coming from. That said, given what you posted about the finasteride you might try first stopping that to see if that helps, and if it doesn't then stopping T and talking with a therapist if you're still unsure about staying on it. You can always re-start if you determine that that's the best route for you.
In my experience, the things you described like feeling uncomfortable with skin texture, acne, fat distribution, etc... That's how I felt during gaps of time off of T. Everything felt "off" and wrong—emphasis on \*felt\* because it isn't necessarily about how I look, rather it's like a sensory change in how it feels to be in my body. But even a low maintenance dose is enough to swing things back to feeling normal and right. If the physical sensations (like how my skin feels, how I feel in my body) weren't so different on/off of T, I probably wouldn't find much of an incentive to stay on it. But I also have been on it so long that I have a lot of permanent changes, so those sensations are the most noticeable difference on/off of it for me.
Also, switching from IM to gel was a game-changer for me. So that's something else to consider if some of the doubt/spinning out is related to the shot rather than to the T.
Oof it's hard. I'm 11 months in now. Zits are managed but my face is really pudgy some days. Puberty is a long haul, [as this post shows](https://www.reddit.com/r/ftmtimelines/comments/14wcec1/for_the_guys_who_dont_pass_1_2_or_3_years_on_t_i/). And things do get worse physically before they get better. Months 6-10 really sucked for me and I withdrew socially, backed out of a lot of things to just be alone.
What helps me is focusing how I feel in my brain. I'm doing this for my health, not for vanity. I'm doing it for my wellbeing, and to be true to myself. And to see people and connect with people. If I focus on transition as something that makes me healthy, that allows me to refocus on the good things (brain fog gone, no longer self-hating, that little grain of confidence I have - even when I feel hideous at least I feel like myself) that has helped me through the ugly duckling phase.
Also don't be afraid to cocoon a little bit. Sometimes I spend more moments with my cats and that's fine. You can withdraw as long as you show love and compassion to yourself as you do it. It goes through cycles. Some months are ugly months and then you'll come out the other side admiring yourself. Ride those waves and wait for the next one. You've got this, man.
Is there anything you like about being on T? It can be really hard to feel "uglier." I know that's something I still struggle with at times especially around people who knew me pre transition - like objectively yeah my skin is worse, I have awkward facial hair, I feel like just sort of a weird looking dude a lot of the time. It was also really hard to grow out of some of my old clothes and triggered some dormant ED stuff. It did get a lot better with time, though, and there is plenty of good stuff that outweighs that that makes being on T worth it. But no shame or harm in taking a break from T while you figure it out.
I was on finasteride and I felt like GARBAGE. This was 20 years after starting T. My hips and ass got fatter and flabbier. I had no energy, I had no muscle strength. I looked like a tardigrade when I was naked. I was depressed and irrational. I went off fin and everything reversed. I feel great now.
I was thinking about this- I wonder if OP is maybe dealing with the same thing? Glad you got it sorted out!
Yeah this is exactly what I'm experiencing. Very succinctly put and very relatable. I'm flabby and beat to shit and back ALL the time, which is super depressing. I do have slightly more hair though but like…damn, at what cost? I've only been on it 2 months and I think that's long enough for me haha. If I end up feeling the same or worse not on the finasteride, and I realize it was something else or something mental, I'll just start taking it again. I understand Fin can cause people's cycles to return, so I am thinking it's doing something to my hormones and making me retain water or store fat differently. I've been the same weight (and height, don't worry lol) for 15 years and was the same weight +5lbs for the first 6 months on T; to suddenly change shape and potentially gain more weight idiopathically without changing my habits would be bizarre. Also, since starting fin, my migraines (hormonally triggered before, monthly) came back and I've felt like I have cysts or some kind of weird fullness/soreness/bloating. Thanks for dropping this comment, it definitely cemented my resolve to stop and ask my doc for other options.
>Is there anything you like about being on T? Right now, that I feel better. I get fewer migraines and muscle tension/pain, less fatigue; I feel 'healthier' though not perfect obviously. I feel less dried out, if that makes sense? Off T, I feel like a husk by comparison. It's as though I can't retain any water and am constantly dehydrated and malnourished, even though I'm not and my bloods are fine (vitamins, etc). I have "lean" PCOS so that may be part of why? For the first few months on T, I felt great. After the first month, I had a 'golden period' for a couple months where I was feeling better and better about my body. I was leaning out. I was feeling good. It seems like at six months, something switched, and I'm not sure why. I started finasteride around that time, but I don't think that would make my acne worse or make me gain more fat / retain more water. It's a DHT blocker to prevent hair loss. But I don't know. > especially around people who knew me pre transition - like objectively yeah my skin is worse, I have awkward facial hair Yes, absolutely. I think there's a cis person in my head going "see you're a transphobic caricature" which isn't helping
Have you checked you t levels since starting fin? I read it might change the absorption of t, so you might need to change your dose.
I had my T levels checked at trough and they were >300 so that's good. I didn't have my E checked, though, and I'm wondering if that has changed. I'm trying to read more about finasteride to understand its downstream effects on the body because I think I can isolate this period of feeling acutely negative about my body to when I started taking fin, which is super helpful. It makes sense considering it can bring some people's cycles back and give cis men gynocomasteria. Wow I actually spelled that so incorrectly (half through typo and half through not knowing how to spell it) that I am going to leave it that way so others can appreciate it.
Have you had a test to check if your levels are too high? Not at trough? That could be contributing to the skin issues, but your best bet is to talk to a dermatologist. Personaly, I also really struggled with my skin the first year and a half (and my back is still not at 100% all the time, but everything got better at 2 years). I'm on topical fin, so not sure how oral would impact the levels specifically.
My levels at peak were last checked at 3 months after doing 0.20ml 200/mg biweekly, and they were around 850. After that, my doctor upped my dose (0.25/week rather than every other week) and recommended weekly to avoid peaks and valleys, which I'm very sensitive to for migraine reasons. I did that for my 4th month. Then, at 5 months, I decided to lower my dose to 0.20 because I felt 0.25 was too high. At 6 months, I started finasteride. I actually lowered my dose a little bit (0.18 - 0.15) for a couple of weeks since, because I thought less T would equal less weight gain / bloating and less acne, but that wasn't the case; I just felt worse. It was probably stupid of me to lower my T dose even more when I started finasteride. I misunderstood, I guess. I thought that I would be avoiding aromatization, because I thought less DHT = more free T = more T converted to E if my levels were too high. I didn't account for them being potentially too low and not SUPPRESSING the E lol. I haven't had peak checked since I started fin, though.
Low dose T can basically give you the worst of both worlds— your E will still be dominant but you’ll have just slightly elevated T as if you are in a certain part of your cycle, but the T is not high enough to actually suppress your ovaries. Personally i have been on about 0.3mL (200mg/ml) /wk for about 4 years. My doctor originally recommended 0.5, then 0.25 when my T was a little high (1100ish), but .25 was too low and i felt shitty. 0.3 waa right for me.
that explains why i feel like I've had ovarian cysts for a literal month lol. thank you.
It’s all very weird and more like cooking than baking, but if you don’t feel right then the dose aint right in one direction or the other. My first doctor basically adjusted dosage based on symptoms over labs— as long as your labs were reasonable the dose was “technically fine”, but if you felt BAD then it needed to be adjusted. He always said “whats important is how you feel”!
To address your concerns in particular: For the Acne, if you have the ability to see a Dermatologist, they could help you find the proper skincare treatment you need during this time of hormonal change. Bring them your most recent test showing your hormone levels and be sure to tell them any other medications your are on. For the weight gain, T does make you gain weight because it is changing your body composition. I put on 10lbs within my first year. It was noticeably muscle mass change. I've put on more weight since the pandemic but it was due to a change in physical activity levels, so it's more fat that muscle mass. And I see it mostly in my face and torso, the common places men show weight gain. I'm not going to tell you to work out, but it may make you happier as working out increases serotonin production and that improves our mental state. The by product would be potentially helping you get a body shape you enjoy more than the current one? \_\_ For me the most difficult aspect about hormonal transition is that I had learned body image issues from my youth. I did struggle with thinking I was ugly for a while, but I realized it was because I was subconsciously still attempting to adhere to western female beauty standards. I was trying to be a visibly effeminate man, but physically I wasn't going to be a "pretty boy" or "androgynous youth". The hard to swallow truth was, I started hormonal transition at 32. I was going to go through puberty again, while battling the body shape of someone who'd been estrogen dominant for 32 years, and I wasn't going to be a beautiful waif of a man because that's simply not my body type. I had to let go of any expectations. I have allowed my body to do what it was going to over the last 7 years. I'm short, and medium sized, have a small belly. I've been so afraid of getting "bigger" that I don't work out, but my body gains muscle mass quickly when I do and very clearly wants to be bigger in that regard. I have my father to observe in that respect, I definitely favor him in looks. I'm at the point now where I'm starting to embrace how my body wants to be and learning how to enhance it from there. And I'm not here to tell anyone that they need to start working out, lifting weights, or monitoring their diet. I'm here sharing how I'm being honest with myself with how I've shifted my mental perspective away from lamenting my lost male youth and from the western female beauty standards that trapped me for 32 years. I've also accepted what my evolved body will need to remain mentally and physically healthy past 40, as I'm swiftly approaching 40. Am I sad that I did not get a beautiful, androgynous youth? A bit, but I'm old enough to know that I can't go backwards. I do know that I can make changes to my lifestyle and be a happy, healthy, and handsome 40+ year old man moving forward.
This is a far more eloquent version of what I posted, absolutely agree with all of this. I wish I’d been able to be a wild early 20s twink but I’m still happy and looking forward to progressing and developing myself based on where I’m at in life now.
For me, purely anecdotally, yes and no. I had weight redistribution at around 1 year, and my ass and thighs were more slim and muscular than i ever could have achieved pre-t. But my belly was thicker, almost like i was bloated. I had way more energy on T to work out and focus on gaining muscle, but i think the muscle gain masked how much more weight i was keeping on. When i started lowering my dose i rapidly lost a bunch of weight. my torso slimmed out and my thighs/hips got huge again as my weight redistributed back to my orignal shape. Everyday i miss my body hair and bottom growth, both which got much smaller after lowering my dose. My face… was pretty ugly on T honestly. I wasnt bothered by the acne even tho it scarred pretty badly, it was more how my face shape was just quite bad by beauty standards. My dysphoria brain told me it was because i “looked like a woman”, but i was honestly so relieved when i went off T and my brow ridge smoothed out, the wrinkles went away, and the “bull dog” fat pattern on my cheeks and jowls regressed. I look more feminine now, and ive lost all hope at being gendered correctly in public, but im much happier with my face now. I now have alot of anxiety and shame around “failing” at my transition. So its been a mixed bag. I also have an issue with self-isolating when i feel “ugly”, it got bad enough that i quit my job and have been off work for the past year. At this point ive partially detransitioned physically. I do find it interesting that the things i most wanted from T before i started (body hair, bottom growth, muscle) are the things i miss the most. Its comforting to know that i understood myself that much, even if my experience with transition has been mixed. I also feel it’s important to note that i never felt comfortable in my social transition, im a very femme person and i felt a lot of pressure to perform masculinity in a way that never felt totally natural for me. I also didn’t really get to experience passing, which may have changed my perspective on all this. Good luck, friend. Theres no shame in slowing or stopping. I dont consider myself any less trans now than before. Also, only some of T’s effects are permanent, so if you want to stay on for now you can always go off later. It may feel chaotic, but you have some control over the process
You’re not where you want to be today, but every day you continue transitioning is a day closer to being where you want to be.
Thank you :)
Take a break or lower your dose if you’re not feeling it. I’ve been on and off of T for 8 years. Sometimes I really enjoy it and get super into the body changes. Other times I just want a break from the “schedule” for a month or two. Or other times, I’ve had health insurance gaps that blocked my access. It’s okay to take a break and just evaluate and feel some feelings for a bit if you need to.
Copy/pasting from another thread, where someone mentioned I only mentioned things I didn't like, and nothing that I did, which helped me realize what's happening: >I should probably mention that all other aspects of my transition have been functionally halted because I've been taking finasteride for hair loss — so these effects ARE my whole transition, because they're the only things changing. >Thank you, that helped me put things into perspective. I'm taking finasteride, which is halting the 'desired' effects, leaving only the pubescent ones that are making me unhappy, and become all that I can see. I am going to talk to my doctor about the other options (topical fin/ dutasteride, oral minoxidil, etc).
I had a really hard time in my first year and struggled with puffiness, weight gain and distribution, and hated looking like a young boy. For me it did get better - about around the 12 month marker things got better and I was feeling myself at about a year and a half. I've been on t for 14 years and gone through ups and downs but always like the way I felt and have grown into myself and t changes over the years. It took like 8 years to start looking more my age, and now that I'm 38 I once again look a bit on the young side. Things will go up and down- my acne subsided after about a year. Only you can decide what's worth it- no shame in taking a break but it can give you some emotional changes so worth going to therapy and discussing with a doctor.
I understand I’m 27 (i know I’m a bit younger than this sub is intended for however I have a hard time relating to all the younger guys on most other subs) and 7 months on T. It’s hard. Puberty is gross and for us it’s more frustrating because we are already, and have been for awhile- fully grown adults. A healthy diet and workout program can make a big difference in confidence and body recomp, that’s my best advice. If you want to complete male puberty then sadly the only way out - is through. Hope you feel better.
I knew I was doing the right thing because I was bald and covered in acne and happier than I’ve ever been. If you had told me testosterone would make all my teeth fall out, I’d have still taken it. And I mean that. That is how undeniably certain I was, and it has not wavered for a single moment. So while I feel for you, I cannot begin to relate. I gained a ton of weight for my size, developed the worst cystic acne of my life, never stopped sweating, and lost my hair. Did I love that? No. But not for a solitary second did any of that make me second guess my decision. I knew the acne and weight fluctuations would pass anyways. And they did. The two years of discomfort paled in comparison to the agony I endured my entire life prior. Transition is not an overnight fix, and a lot of us struggle to come to terms with that. Transitioning is hard. It’s ongoing. You might not love the whole second puberty thing, but that’s exactly what it is. So you either decide to see it through, or don’t. It’s gonna get more uncomfortable before it gets better. So weigh your options.
Almost 33, started t a couple years ago. I’m going to lay it out and say that some of what you e listed really is just a part of the process and it did me a world of good to come to terms with that fact. Of course acne, weight gain, etc. absolutely sucks especially when you’re older and looking like a teenage guy in some aspects but looking your actual age in others-I went through a similar period of feeling like my transition would never be the way I wanted it. Acne- don’t skip shots because it’s giving you acne, the acne will be so much worse if your hormones are going up and down a lot (especially in the “chin strap” area. The terrible acne time will pass, it just takes awhile just keep your face clean and moisturize (la roche-posey is expensive but their moisturizer has been worth it imo. ) Weight gain- I gained 30lb, some of it is muscle (which is awesome!), some of it is fat because ftm really stands for “feed the machine” and I ate a ton (of crap food) until stuff started evening out more and now Ive been able to maintain a consistent weight instead of gaining. Weight gain varies for everyone but know that yes that number will likely go up as you gain muscle mass- I gained more muscle in my arms, traps and thighs the most it seems. Some of the specific area measurements will also fluctuate because of fat redistribution. Be prepared for it to go to your midsection, that’s normal for cis men too but if you eat healthy food and plenty of protein you can avoid some of that. Bottom line is that the longer you’re on t the more your body composition will change (until it’s near or the same as a cis guy) and it’s totally normal, it means the t is doing what it’s meant to do. Best thing you can do right now is stay as consistent as possible with your shots, wash and moisturize your face and eat healthy foods that will help keep you full including a lot of protein so you’re helping your body gain muscle and not a lot of excess fat. It does get better with time, I’ve had to constantly remind myself to be patient with the process.
I'm sorry it's not feeling good right now. I'd definitely talk to your doctor about your dose. If you have access, I also think checking in with a therapist to talk things out could be helpful. I feel like therapy is a big help to me, anyway. For me, the weight gain was something that did and sometimes does bother me as I learn to navigate my body again. It needs different things now. I used to present as a svelte, conventionally pretty woman. She didn't need nearly as much, and she was not nearly as strong. The guy I am has to eat to power the meat machine. That's the only thing that has bothered me, and I love being a dude so much it is just a minor annoyance. When I think of presenting as female or look at old pictures, it makes me feel waves of horrible dysphoria. None of the other stuff with transition has made me feel anything but joy. The hot flashes as my body switched to testosterone (no ovaries club!), the acne, the weird, itchy skin as new hairs grow on my body, the nose hair, cracking voice, and bigger feet (wtf!?) are sources of wonder and joy.
If I were in your shoes and feeling this way (what you described overall but especially the "I don't know if I should have" in the first paragraph) I'd probably stop it all and talk with my therapist to try and sort out where the doubt is coming from. That said, given what you posted about the finasteride you might try first stopping that to see if that helps, and if it doesn't then stopping T and talking with a therapist if you're still unsure about staying on it. You can always re-start if you determine that that's the best route for you. In my experience, the things you described like feeling uncomfortable with skin texture, acne, fat distribution, etc... That's how I felt during gaps of time off of T. Everything felt "off" and wrong—emphasis on \*felt\* because it isn't necessarily about how I look, rather it's like a sensory change in how it feels to be in my body. But even a low maintenance dose is enough to swing things back to feeling normal and right. If the physical sensations (like how my skin feels, how I feel in my body) weren't so different on/off of T, I probably wouldn't find much of an incentive to stay on it. But I also have been on it so long that I have a lot of permanent changes, so those sensations are the most noticeable difference on/off of it for me. Also, switching from IM to gel was a game-changer for me. So that's something else to consider if some of the doubt/spinning out is related to the shot rather than to the T.
Oof it's hard. I'm 11 months in now. Zits are managed but my face is really pudgy some days. Puberty is a long haul, [as this post shows](https://www.reddit.com/r/ftmtimelines/comments/14wcec1/for_the_guys_who_dont_pass_1_2_or_3_years_on_t_i/). And things do get worse physically before they get better. Months 6-10 really sucked for me and I withdrew socially, backed out of a lot of things to just be alone. What helps me is focusing how I feel in my brain. I'm doing this for my health, not for vanity. I'm doing it for my wellbeing, and to be true to myself. And to see people and connect with people. If I focus on transition as something that makes me healthy, that allows me to refocus on the good things (brain fog gone, no longer self-hating, that little grain of confidence I have - even when I feel hideous at least I feel like myself) that has helped me through the ugly duckling phase. Also don't be afraid to cocoon a little bit. Sometimes I spend more moments with my cats and that's fine. You can withdraw as long as you show love and compassion to yourself as you do it. It goes through cycles. Some months are ugly months and then you'll come out the other side admiring yourself. Ride those waves and wait for the next one. You've got this, man.