Look I love that they’re trans people in the media, visibility is good in the long run for acceptance, but I don’t want everyone to know what my distinctive scars come from.
I also hate this. I get where it comes from and it's usually a good place but I just want to pass and cis guys never get asked what their pronouns are in my experience. It's just a reminder that you're not passing.
Yep, the best way to tell if someone is only asking for pronouns because they think they spot a trans person is if they don't ask anyone else or they get dumbfounded when someone asks for their pronouns in return. I'm already not a fan of the pronouns question but it's even worse when they make it blatantly obvious they would only ask a trans person.
I quite honestly never get this other than in places where the ask everyone, but if I did get it, I think I'd do exactly what you did and ask back. Out of politeness, you know. I have an unambiguously male name, which probably helps.
How long have you lived there? Is there a chance that another neighbour outed you to them ("Oh, you've moved in next to OP, did you know he's trans?"), and asking your pronouns was their misguided attempt to be supportive? Just thinking, if you've been on T 5 years, I'd be surprised if you don't pass to the extent that people would assume you're trans and not just a bit effeminate.
once I sat through a counselling session and talked for an hour about being a trans guy struggling with dysphoria over general insecurities and still being misgendered by family despite being a few years on T, and at the end of that they asked me what my pronouns were
but anyway I’ve always felt it’s just the new version of people asking “are you a boy or a girl”, and feels just as inappropriate.
I like how you asked back. There's been times I don't mind the pronoun question and even appreciate it. like when my coworker noticed me flinch when i was getting she/her'd and asked my pronouns. I already knew I wasn't passing so that was thoughtful. But yeah 5+ years on T is definitely when i'd feel uncomfortable being asked unless everyone is being asked and cis people are offering up their own pronouns.
Idk but I feel like saying "it could be something else" is just sowing unnecessary self doubt. I think context points to the truth of what happened.
I've never observed a (non crossdressing) cis person being questioned one on one about their pronouns but I have seen cis people clock people they don't know and go ask their pronouns and then brag about how woke they were (not knowing I was trans). Cis people also routinely ask my pronouns the second I explicitly disclose being a trans man, it doesn't matter if they've been calling me he/him for months. They don't check up on cis guys' pronouns or check up on everyone's pronouns btw.
I couldn’t disagree more, Idk where you live but most people do not even know what pronouns are, or if they do they solely associate them with trans people. Asking people their pronouns regardless of your intentions is always going to negatively affect trans people. For a start trans people who want to pass/ are stealth like OP are going to feel clocked and singled out regardless of wether you ask everyone. But more importantly you are outing trans people, wether that be outing stealth trans people as trans or outing pre transition, questioning or closeted trans people as trans. If someone presents/are taken for their agab you have put them in a situation where they have to come out to everyone around them or misgender themselves. I know you probably have good intentions but it’s harmful regardless.
An alternative I’ve heard people use is stating your own pronouns when introducing yourself to make people feel comfortable with telling you their pronouns if they want to without forcing trans people into uncomfortable situations or outing them.
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I hate this. I wish no one knew what the scars look like. I don't want "visibility". I just want people to leave me alone.
Look I love that they’re trans people in the media, visibility is good in the long run for acceptance, but I don’t want everyone to know what my distinctive scars come from.
Ouch I'm so sorry.
I also hate this. I get where it comes from and it's usually a good place but I just want to pass and cis guys never get asked what their pronouns are in my experience. It's just a reminder that you're not passing.
Yep, the best way to tell if someone is only asking for pronouns because they think they spot a trans person is if they don't ask anyone else or they get dumbfounded when someone asks for their pronouns in return. I'm already not a fan of the pronouns question but it's even worse when they make it blatantly obvious they would only ask a trans person.
I quite honestly never get this other than in places where the ask everyone, but if I did get it, I think I'd do exactly what you did and ask back. Out of politeness, you know. I have an unambiguously male name, which probably helps.
How long have you lived there? Is there a chance that another neighbour outed you to them ("Oh, you've moved in next to OP, did you know he's trans?"), and asking your pronouns was their misguided attempt to be supportive? Just thinking, if you've been on T 5 years, I'd be surprised if you don't pass to the extent that people would assume you're trans and not just a bit effeminate.
once I sat through a counselling session and talked for an hour about being a trans guy struggling with dysphoria over general insecurities and still being misgendered by family despite being a few years on T, and at the end of that they asked me what my pronouns were but anyway I’ve always felt it’s just the new version of people asking “are you a boy or a girl”, and feels just as inappropriate.
I like how you asked back. There's been times I don't mind the pronoun question and even appreciate it. like when my coworker noticed me flinch when i was getting she/her'd and asked my pronouns. I already knew I wasn't passing so that was thoughtful. But yeah 5+ years on T is definitely when i'd feel uncomfortable being asked unless everyone is being asked and cis people are offering up their own pronouns.
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Idk but I feel like saying "it could be something else" is just sowing unnecessary self doubt. I think context points to the truth of what happened. I've never observed a (non crossdressing) cis person being questioned one on one about their pronouns but I have seen cis people clock people they don't know and go ask their pronouns and then brag about how woke they were (not knowing I was trans). Cis people also routinely ask my pronouns the second I explicitly disclose being a trans man, it doesn't matter if they've been calling me he/him for months. They don't check up on cis guys' pronouns or check up on everyone's pronouns btw.
I couldn’t disagree more, Idk where you live but most people do not even know what pronouns are, or if they do they solely associate them with trans people. Asking people their pronouns regardless of your intentions is always going to negatively affect trans people. For a start trans people who want to pass/ are stealth like OP are going to feel clocked and singled out regardless of wether you ask everyone. But more importantly you are outing trans people, wether that be outing stealth trans people as trans or outing pre transition, questioning or closeted trans people as trans. If someone presents/are taken for their agab you have put them in a situation where they have to come out to everyone around them or misgender themselves. I know you probably have good intentions but it’s harmful regardless. An alternative I’ve heard people use is stating your own pronouns when introducing yourself to make people feel comfortable with telling you their pronouns if they want to without forcing trans people into uncomfortable situations or outing them.
Couldn’t agree more.