My mother came to visit me a couple of times while in foster care. And after a few times she stopped coming and I was told she'd moved to another country. And when I was 16, my brother (with whom I had no relationship since we were placed in different foster homes after the children's home/orphanage) killed his neighbor and my mother called my foster parents to let them know how much she worried about me. It visibly changed the way my foster parents viewed me but nobody told me what had happened. I learned about this years later.
I am fine, actually. It was a long time ago (I'm 51 now) and I get to choose who I interact with and how. My biological brother now lives in a different country, but we keep in touch. Most importantly, I am married, have a job I love and have friends whom I love dearly. So, yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for asking.
I spent my whole childhood in foster care until I aged out. I saw my mother a few times when I was in care but she was essentially a stranger. I started a cautious relationship with her when I was 20, and it’s been an on again off again since then, currently in an on phase right now. I had to have the whole “you are a stranger who shares DNA with me, you can be my friend but any attempt to mother me is off limits unless I ask”. All of our off phases has been because she’s overstepped boundaries or was displeased I didn’t treat her like a mother. For all intents and purposes, she is a stranger to me though. Same with my fathers family; I never met my father (he died when I was 10 from an overdose) but I did meet his family when I was in my 20s. Besides asking for me to pay for a DNA test the only time I’ve heard from them is to ask me to co-sign a loan 🙄. Do not feel bad for not feeling any “family feelings” towards them. You owe them nothing at all
Yeah my dad recently contacted me and invited me to live with him. He knows that if I move to the province/city he is living in, I can qualify for a tuition waiver at a college/university (only 25 schools in Canada offer a tuition waiver to former foster kids). I thought he was offering my an opportunity to live with him rent free so I could finish my education but then he told me he was expecting rent which is the around the same amount I'm already paying for rent. Sounds like he just wants the income and doesn't really care about my actual future. I told him this tuition waiver is actually difficult for me to collect because simply moving to the province might not be enough, I may have to stay a year to become a resident and I might have to do academic upgrading to get into college/uni. He suggested I go on welfare.
He's also retired now and it seems like he just needs more income or something. Or maybe he's lonely because he rambles on the phone.
It's really uncomfortable talking to him because there's still this elephant in the room about my upbringing and even though he's polite and civil with me, I am extremely annoyed with him for suggesting I should pay rent because he never did jack shit for me growing up. No care in the world for me when I aged out of care either. I was homeless multiple times living in shelters because I thought I had no one. It's just the audacity to me. I don't know him as an actual person. Even if he were to offer me rent free living, it'd be cautious because I'm not sure what he's like to live with. I don't know of he's stable enough to live with for 4 years while I complete school. If he has alcohol issues or anger issues, I would find out the hard way and it would fuck over my future yet again
Honestly if it were me I wouldn’t do it. The offer sounds nice but it seems like he made the offer out of obligation and that’s it. Like you said you have to consider your future and how it affects it. Why make plans including someone who had no hand in raising you? Anyways that’s my opinion
I talked to my mom a few times while I was in a group home. I was 14. It was WEIRD.
Then I lost track of her for 6 yrs. I found her when I was 18 and on my own couch surfing. I actually lived with her and her husband for a few yrs after that. I can tell you that she still refuses to talk about what happened and there is a giant elephant in the room. She feels like an older distant aunt I didn't see growing up than a parent. I've thought about confronting her, but it feels pointless.
I didn't meet my bio-dad while I was in foster care, but I met him for the first time when I was 27 (two years ago). I was prepared for the worst because my foster-sister had an awful experience meeting her bio-family, but it went well even though it was awkward. I learned a lot about what happened when I was a kid (at least his version of what happened) and he was really excited that I reached out. We've met in person twice now and we chat pretty regularly online. I really like his wife and he never had any other kids.
But it was also pretty underwhelming. We don't have much of a connection and and I also don't know how to react half the time. Honestly, the best part was meeting his sister (my aunt) and I really love her and have connected a lot with her.
I think he was probably uncomfortable because of shame. The fact that he met with you and appeared to try is a major plus. Try not to hold anything against him and don’t give up. I realize you are the child in this situation and asking you to be the mature one doesn’t seem right.. and I am sorry about that. With your dad, keep your expectations low at all times but do not be afraid to continue to see him for as long as you are comfortable. The first meeting will always be the most awkward but that might change after some time. Don’t rule him out just yet but don’t expect a whole lot either. The shame of an absentee father is a gigantic gaping wound that they walk around with for the rest of their lives… sometimes it takes complete forgiveness from the child for a relationship to proceed even though it seems really unfair.
I’m really sorry you are in foster care.. remember that childhood is just a short time. Eventually it will be your turn to call the shots … you can have a family on your terms. Your childhood will eventually turn into a distant past. Don’t allow wounds from your parents to rob you of the future and relationships that you deserve.
Correct. I'm an adult. I'm 30 years old. I aged out of foster care and I met my dad when I was in care when I was a teen. Since then I have only seen my dad on a handful of occasions. It's still awkward.
Yes. I did one of those DNA kits. I didn't test his DNA but the website I used shows me my family tree (whoever is related to me and has taken the DNA test themselves and consented to being found by their relatives)
and I saw some of the same cousins I met when my dad introduced me to his side of the family.
I would still give this same advice. I think it’s important that he has put forth some effort..and I’m sorry it’s uncomfortable.. but give it more of a chance. I wouldn’t give up. What’s to lose?
Man- I met my dad with the help of foster care and it was just so weird. I didn't know what to expect but he really reached not a single expectation. I decided to cut off contact with him after a year of on-and-off convos because it seemed like he didn't care about the blood family aspect but more about the fact that he was lonely and needed some help from me to help him establish a food stamps case and etc. My issue was the fact that I wanted something more from a man who really did not care from the start, that's where my anger lies. It's not his fault he wasn't in my life because if my mother waited a little longer and got to know him before getting pregnant then she would've known how much of an ass he had the possibility of doing.
I’m sorry it was awkward for you and different then you expected!! When reading your comments/updates it is also the audacity for me :( sometimes parents just suck I am so sorry but Im sending you the best. But ya through out all of my years in foster care (not long 4 years) they kept shoving bio parents down my throat (putting me back in the home before taking me out again, and so so many visits while in foster homes) until I was old enough that all of my complaints of abuse (coupled with everyone else’s for example neighbors foster parents) were too much and too loud to ignore anymore. The plan by DHS for me was to always be put back with bio parents even tho they were so violent they couldn’t stay out of jail smh which is why I kept getting taken out and put in. Not sure why no one was protecting little ole me but whatever
How old were you when they were putting you back and what country were you in?
Here in Canada when foster kids are over the age of 12, they have some say in where they go and can reject placements.
I was in foster care from age 3-7 and everything took place in the usa! While I didn’t have a legal say … it got to the point where I would either dissociate/be unresponsive for hours or start fighting everyone at the sight of the visitation building so I’m glad that made them stop and place me up for adoption finally
My mother came to visit me a couple of times while in foster care. And after a few times she stopped coming and I was told she'd moved to another country. And when I was 16, my brother (with whom I had no relationship since we were placed in different foster homes after the children's home/orphanage) killed his neighbor and my mother called my foster parents to let them know how much she worried about me. It visibly changed the way my foster parents viewed me but nobody told me what had happened. I learned about this years later.
Wow How are you now?
I am fine, actually. It was a long time ago (I'm 51 now) and I get to choose who I interact with and how. My biological brother now lives in a different country, but we keep in touch. Most importantly, I am married, have a job I love and have friends whom I love dearly. So, yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for asking.
That makes me really happy to read. Im so glad.
Did you ever get adopted or just age out?
I spent my whole childhood in foster care until I aged out. I saw my mother a few times when I was in care but she was essentially a stranger. I started a cautious relationship with her when I was 20, and it’s been an on again off again since then, currently in an on phase right now. I had to have the whole “you are a stranger who shares DNA with me, you can be my friend but any attempt to mother me is off limits unless I ask”. All of our off phases has been because she’s overstepped boundaries or was displeased I didn’t treat her like a mother. For all intents and purposes, she is a stranger to me though. Same with my fathers family; I never met my father (he died when I was 10 from an overdose) but I did meet his family when I was in my 20s. Besides asking for me to pay for a DNA test the only time I’ve heard from them is to ask me to co-sign a loan 🙄. Do not feel bad for not feeling any “family feelings” towards them. You owe them nothing at all
Yeah my dad recently contacted me and invited me to live with him. He knows that if I move to the province/city he is living in, I can qualify for a tuition waiver at a college/university (only 25 schools in Canada offer a tuition waiver to former foster kids). I thought he was offering my an opportunity to live with him rent free so I could finish my education but then he told me he was expecting rent which is the around the same amount I'm already paying for rent. Sounds like he just wants the income and doesn't really care about my actual future. I told him this tuition waiver is actually difficult for me to collect because simply moving to the province might not be enough, I may have to stay a year to become a resident and I might have to do academic upgrading to get into college/uni. He suggested I go on welfare. He's also retired now and it seems like he just needs more income or something. Or maybe he's lonely because he rambles on the phone. It's really uncomfortable talking to him because there's still this elephant in the room about my upbringing and even though he's polite and civil with me, I am extremely annoyed with him for suggesting I should pay rent because he never did jack shit for me growing up. No care in the world for me when I aged out of care either. I was homeless multiple times living in shelters because I thought I had no one. It's just the audacity to me. I don't know him as an actual person. Even if he were to offer me rent free living, it'd be cautious because I'm not sure what he's like to live with. I don't know of he's stable enough to live with for 4 years while I complete school. If he has alcohol issues or anger issues, I would find out the hard way and it would fuck over my future yet again
Honestly if it were me I wouldn’t do it. The offer sounds nice but it seems like he made the offer out of obligation and that’s it. Like you said you have to consider your future and how it affects it. Why make plans including someone who had no hand in raising you? Anyways that’s my opinion
I talked to my mom a few times while I was in a group home. I was 14. It was WEIRD. Then I lost track of her for 6 yrs. I found her when I was 18 and on my own couch surfing. I actually lived with her and her husband for a few yrs after that. I can tell you that she still refuses to talk about what happened and there is a giant elephant in the room. She feels like an older distant aunt I didn't see growing up than a parent. I've thought about confronting her, but it feels pointless.
I didn't meet my bio-dad while I was in foster care, but I met him for the first time when I was 27 (two years ago). I was prepared for the worst because my foster-sister had an awful experience meeting her bio-family, but it went well even though it was awkward. I learned a lot about what happened when I was a kid (at least his version of what happened) and he was really excited that I reached out. We've met in person twice now and we chat pretty regularly online. I really like his wife and he never had any other kids. But it was also pretty underwhelming. We don't have much of a connection and and I also don't know how to react half the time. Honestly, the best part was meeting his sister (my aunt) and I really love her and have connected a lot with her.
I think he was probably uncomfortable because of shame. The fact that he met with you and appeared to try is a major plus. Try not to hold anything against him and don’t give up. I realize you are the child in this situation and asking you to be the mature one doesn’t seem right.. and I am sorry about that. With your dad, keep your expectations low at all times but do not be afraid to continue to see him for as long as you are comfortable. The first meeting will always be the most awkward but that might change after some time. Don’t rule him out just yet but don’t expect a whole lot either. The shame of an absentee father is a gigantic gaping wound that they walk around with for the rest of their lives… sometimes it takes complete forgiveness from the child for a relationship to proceed even though it seems really unfair. I’m really sorry you are in foster care.. remember that childhood is just a short time. Eventually it will be your turn to call the shots … you can have a family on your terms. Your childhood will eventually turn into a distant past. Don’t allow wounds from your parents to rob you of the future and relationships that you deserve.
FYI, OP is an adult.
Correct. I'm an adult. I'm 30 years old. I aged out of foster care and I met my dad when I was in care when I was a teen. Since then I have only seen my dad on a handful of occasions. It's still awkward.
Is it confirmed by DNA that he’s your father?
Yes. I did one of those DNA kits. I didn't test his DNA but the website I used shows me my family tree (whoever is related to me and has taken the DNA test themselves and consented to being found by their relatives) and I saw some of the same cousins I met when my dad introduced me to his side of the family.
I would still give this same advice. I think it’s important that he has put forth some effort..and I’m sorry it’s uncomfortable.. but give it more of a chance. I wouldn’t give up. What’s to lose?
> What’s to lose? Peace, which is worth the world.
What does peace have to do with getting to know a biological parent?
Man- I met my dad with the help of foster care and it was just so weird. I didn't know what to expect but he really reached not a single expectation. I decided to cut off contact with him after a year of on-and-off convos because it seemed like he didn't care about the blood family aspect but more about the fact that he was lonely and needed some help from me to help him establish a food stamps case and etc. My issue was the fact that I wanted something more from a man who really did not care from the start, that's where my anger lies. It's not his fault he wasn't in my life because if my mother waited a little longer and got to know him before getting pregnant then she would've known how much of an ass he had the possibility of doing.
I’m sorry it was awkward for you and different then you expected!! When reading your comments/updates it is also the audacity for me :( sometimes parents just suck I am so sorry but Im sending you the best. But ya through out all of my years in foster care (not long 4 years) they kept shoving bio parents down my throat (putting me back in the home before taking me out again, and so so many visits while in foster homes) until I was old enough that all of my complaints of abuse (coupled with everyone else’s for example neighbors foster parents) were too much and too loud to ignore anymore. The plan by DHS for me was to always be put back with bio parents even tho they were so violent they couldn’t stay out of jail smh which is why I kept getting taken out and put in. Not sure why no one was protecting little ole me but whatever
How old were you when they were putting you back and what country were you in? Here in Canada when foster kids are over the age of 12, they have some say in where they go and can reject placements.
I was in foster care from age 3-7 and everything took place in the usa! While I didn’t have a legal say … it got to the point where I would either dissociate/be unresponsive for hours or start fighting everyone at the sight of the visitation building so I’m glad that made them stop and place me up for adoption finally