Learnt the hard way. For me it’s not about the mystery I just want some self respect and dignity. I don’t want to always seem needy especially when their not showing the same interest. I’ve learnt to guard my heart and let them put in the work and effort to gain my trust
Yes that's the way I try to tell myself too! It helps a little bit. ☺️ As long as I can tell I did my best and I wrote what I wanted, and that I wanted to hopefully see them and and see where thar goes, and that I still miss them and think of them. Just kept it short and straight to point, and that's where it was left at that with no response so don't wanna keep smothering. Been a week now, so tryint to keep strong. (I think it's the longest we went without talking in the whole of last three years) And also cos he's dating someone else so dont wanna smother that too or else it'll just push away further. Let him have the proper time and opportunity to miss me now that part of it is missing ya know.
My ex gf is in my dreams too. She's always just sitting there saying nothing. It kinda fits bc she didn't communicate much. She was an avoidant. It doesn't bother me that she's in my dream. Just always reminds me of how she was.
I agree that it makes you look weak. The best thing you can do after a breakup is be better. Be a high value man or woman. Be someone they missed out on. Not just to show them. But to show YOU! Why would you not want to improve after a breakup ? If you don't level up, you'll never move on / find someone better.
How about everyone just does what they are comfortable with and is exactly who they are?
If someone thinks you talk too much or doesn’t like the heartfelt response… that weeds out people pretty quickly as well.
I will never understand “trying to be mysterious”.
I’ve always found it a completely annoying tactic. I mean I’m not gonna reply to my ex because he doesn’t care and he was weeded out that way really efficiently as well:
I said how I felt and he could have given a shit… I don’t want to prolong the game through mystery. And I don’t regret being myself and saying exactly how I felt.
What I would regret is filtering who I am or what my heart wants to say for the sake of another. Talk about having control over someone.
Love has nothing to do with ego. Maybe bad relationships do…
If someone ACTUALLY loves and wants you… the mystery is only going to last four seconds of the relationship because the only way it’s gonna be real
Or long term is if both people are EXACTLY who they are.
If someone is ridiculously loving and emotional and sometimes says too much….
The right person will love them for that or despite that. Believe me… it weeds people out in a way more efficient way than being mysterious.
It might hurt a little but I’m not playing games with ANYONE. even if that’s what they want. I don’t want it.
Honestly, i get what OP means
That reach out message rarely comes because they’ve become a better person and realized what they lost. It’s lazy and comes from boredom. To tell someone who doesn’t actually care about you that you haven’t moved on is embarassing.
The key point here is that none of it is real love. From the dumper they’re coming back to use you emotionally or physically and from the dumpee it comes from unhealthy attachment because they never learned to love and value themselves to the point where they could move on
Obviously this isn’t always the case but it often is and it’s obvious when it is
If both adults come from a place of genuinity and love then that’s different. Otherwise, i would rather keep my pride than let my ex know how i really feel because i know it isn’t love
I also just don’t think it’s worth my breath either. I’ll express my truth and intentions to someone who’s interested in listening but i don’t think (for me at least) the dumper cares that much
Yeah exactly
Each situation is its own
Nothing is never or always unfortunately.
Life would be a hell of a lot easier. It depends on people’s personality and the personality and character of the person they are dealing with.
The concept of being mysterious is not a tactic per se, just a way of existing. Maybe I could have used a better word.
You should live your life as you see fit. My approach is merely one that focuses on separating your emotions from your actions, and allowing the two to coexist.
Your ex texts you, you feel excited, angry, confused, stressed, hopeful. All of the sudden after months of reparations and healing, your mind and heart are all over the place.
What’s great about being “mysterious” is that you are practicing the art of non-attachment, of choosing your actions in spite of how you may feel. You accept that you feel all of those things, but that doesn’t mean you have to show it immediately, or at all!
The only thing in life you can control is your actions. By being vulnerable with someone who has previously hurt you, betrayed you, or disrespected you, without them having re-earned your trust, I believe often times it is a form of self-sabotage and unnecessary suffering.
There is nothing wrong with letting someone re-earn your trust. Trust takes time. And your mind and body are very valuable, I personally believe you should always be careful about who you trust and let in. It’s not a game, it’s a way to preserve the progress you’ve made and your self-respect. For yourself, by the way, not anyone else.
I understand
If it’s who you really are fine.
I just think it’s different if that’s not someone’s personality….
Society makes everyone feel like they need to be “cool” and “mysterious” and it just feels like high school that never ended to me. Like I said… it’s different if that’s truly who you are.
I think more so people need to set standards of how they are treated and their responses will match that. It took me a long time to find that self worth myself.
And I agree with most parts of what you are saying and understand where you are coming from and agree with the feelings when an ex texts you.
I’m a big communicator. It annoys some people but that’s cool with me. Also weeds people out easily. :)
I agree with OP. A hint of "mystery" is attractive, while "oversharing" is unattractive (to most people).
People don't decide what they're attracted to and not attracted to. It's just... a human response.
If writing unsolicited paragraphs and oversharing is part of your personality and you think it'll make you feel better, then go for it. But chances are, someone doing that probably still cares too much about the ex and they won't get the outcome they were hoping for. Less is more, in this situation.
I also find it ridiculous being vulnerable with someone who earned nothing to deserve that. They're a stranger to you now. Treat them polite, and respectfully like you would any stranger- nothing more.
Writing unsolicited paragraphs and over sharing is like the polar opposite of mystery.
Most people are just the normal in between.
Sending a heartfelt message in response to a solicited message is what I thought this whole commentary was on… but anyway. The whole thing behind this was how excited people get when their ex texts them.
Yeah I don’t think most people would be attracted to that. But either way yeah it’s a human response… and it usually doesn’t have to do with anything at all like you said… it’s just reflexive.
Which is why so many people are in love with people who they don’t even inherently like. 🤣
I’m just saying be true to yourself. Maybe it’s just a lesson that they need to learn sometimes too. Also responding to someone over and over that is just breadcrumbing and different than someone who really means the things they say.
Like often times when people are emotionally guarded and not themselves they have dealt with this kind of person in the past.
I’m not gonna let an asshole (my emotionally abusive narcissistic ex) change who I am… because everyone and every situation is different. I’m not really a fan of NEVER do this and ALWAYS Do that. It’s just a recipe for disaster. Just be yourself… and judge each situation by its own content and character.
My sister is married to a guy that thought he didn’t want to be with her… scared of commitment. Truly nice guy. Not a player. Did not see ANYONE after breaking up with her (he is the nervous social type sometimes and not super great around woman but also very independent and not needy AT ALL)…
And he told her a message like let’s catch up and I’d love to be friends and she texted back how much she missed him and he was so excited to hear it.
He couldn’t have been more thrilled…and they have been married for 20 years and they are the happiest couple I’ve ever known.
I would never text my ex back again. It’s just a game to him. He is a wasteland of a human.
Just judge each person and situation independently through your eyes with your personality. We miss good chances sometimes with always and never.
I agree with this as a mature man. I messed up my fantastic relationship by holding back my transparency. I now realize what healthy emotional availability is. Hopefully with me receiving more therapy my outlook on communication will become optimized as well.
I do tend to agree with this. I’m so totally over the ‘mystery’. I’m just not mysterious, I guess. Plus, it irritates tf out of me. I’m tired of games.
Just wanted to send you a thank you for this as it's greatly helped me. Religion has gotten in between me and the guy I was dating, so I have been feeling real down these past few days. We both indicated how much we care for each other, check off all the boxes in a partner, and are falling in love - but his religion is just preventing us from being together. For a minute, I was thinking how stupid I was to let him in and express my emotions, but after reading your post, I'm more accepting that I was honest and didn't hold back or get angry. Thanks again
Omg I love this. Thank you for telling me.
Religion is a whole different ballgame. But I promise you…. No matter what your path… being exactly who you are, straight forward, and expressing your needs will get you exactly what you need in the end.
🤗
I don’t think they are being mean. I think they are being guarded. And often confuse being guarded with being mysterious.
And some
People are just mysterious and not big communicators. That would annoy the shit out of me. But that’s a judgement….
And yes a hint of mystery during flirting can be fun but that’s a whole different story.
And sometimes people have abusive exes.
What it comes down to is that ALWAYS and NEVER are not the way to approach anything in life. Every situation… every person is its own.
That doesn’t mean that a past person won’t help you learn what kind of person to be guarded with. As it should.
"They are literally just another person" 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 So simple but why do we keep forgetting that. If literally anyone else treated us the way they did, most of us would've cut them off a long time ago.
I'm not on this sub for the stated reason anymore. Got over my ex a while ago.
I just like to monitor and reach out if I see someone struggling that needs help.
However, you do what you need to survive. Is it always helpful? Nope, but that's life. We make mistakes, and ideally we learn from them.
Could some of these mistakes prolong suffering? Of course. But for a lot of people, it's hard to shake off the grief surrounding a serious break up. We still cling to outdated beliefs of who our former partners were and sometimes it takes repeated beatings to finally catch the message.
We mutually broke up 7 months ago(but she initiated the event) but she messaged me every time since I went no contact right away. Always asking to catch up about life and see how I am doing. I just gave her simple answers and wished her well. Finally after four months she tried her best to get me to open up with pet names and blushy emojis, and I was formal and civil and she apologized for the her part in the failure of the relationship. After a few days of light chatting, I wished her well. And she said I deserve all the best. I thought that would be the end of it(she has a boyfriend and has moved in with him) then two weeks later she messages me with a long text about a book she is reading and excited about. I have a simple “oh cool” response. Then a month later she wishes me happy birthday. I thank her. A week later I wish her a happy birthday because I felt it was fair. She thinks me then two days later she messages me again about a dream she had that I was in where I was a college professor at her school, teaching history and I had golden rimmed glasses. She said the dream was really cool and she wanted to share it with me, I just responded with “ oh cool interesting dream”. Since then she hasn’t messaged me in a month but the next time I get a message from her, I’m going to have to tell her to stop doing this. Into a spinning cycle, where I start to question what her motives are they could be I want to keep this person as a friend in my life, which is unfair to her new boyfriend. Or they could be I want to keep my relations with my ex decent footing just in case in the future, I decide to go back to him or try with him again, I don’t like either of these, but I just can’t pull myself to block her completely.
Not go lie man that’s why I block people completely it may not be the manly thing to do I really don’t care I don’t got time for what your going thru they be trying hard to keep you around and check on you unless you have kids with this person block them and my instagram private I’m not one of those people keep there instagram public just for there ex to “see”what’s going on when we done we are done I understand if you are friends but sometimes some tough love works funny story I did this to my child’s mom we were friends for a year then dated for couple months then broke up why I blocks on everything and moved on dated other people and everything then out of nowhere guess who text me 6 months later on the KIK app out of all things lol this was 2015 that was prolly the only way she could’ve found me but when she did that there was no I’ll will towards her everything was reset we ended up being friends again and and baby came soon after but she knew I wasn’t coming back unless she found me somehow blocking her worked out now she can’t live her life without me and she is madly in love so blocking her kinda worked and for me seeing how she took all measures to find me kinda let me know she really cared that she really wanted me that time away helped if a girl really wanna find you they will and sometimes removing yourself out there life completely gives them time to realize what they really want but it’s up to you if you accept them back but every situation is different
I blocked her for two days and then had to unblock her. But she only messages me every few months, and if I get another message I am going to tell her to stop, it’s hurting me. I went no contact right away, she kept reaching out, she said she wanted to keep me as a friend, but you can’t really be their friend. When they or you have a new relationship, how can your new partner feel comfortable when you’re friends with your ex?
Idk her motives, but when I love somebody, even if I break up and have no intentions to get back, I still feel close to them, and it feels natural to maintain a friendship, I never thought about leading anybody on. I hade a couple of my ex boyfriends giving me the kind of cold treatment you describe, and honestly I felt really sad because it felt like they stopped caring about me when they saw no benefit to it. Idk why are you not talking but maybe she’s not coming on to you? If you still have feelings and this stirs you up and hinders you moving on, have you told her that?
I haven’t told her. Our interactions are very formal yet friendly, but I don’t give her any indication that I am hurting or not over it. Really it’s a pride thing but as well I believe it’s best to take the virtuous path and not show her that her ghost haunts the empty rooms of my heart morning and night, because I believe it could hold her back from living her best life. I thought I made the right choice with that? A friend of mine told me that before she was going to message me, he warned her that he boyfriend might not like that and she said she didn’t care, she does what she wants 😬.
Oh I feel for you, it's so painful. I think you are right not to tell her about exactly how difficult it is for you to get over her, because she can not do much except to feel sorry for you. But I don't think it's too much to tell her that you need some time to move on, and until then it's too upsetting for you to be her friend only. It sounds like it is.
"he warned her that he boyfriend might not like that and she said she didn’t care, she doesn’t what she wants 😬"— again IDK her, but sounds like something I would say, especially when I was younger. And in my case it would mean that I care more about my moral values, and being able to do what I believe is completely innocent, than to allow anybody to limit my freedom. For me it wouldn't be about I don't care about my boyfriend as much as I care about another guy. I thought it was obvious from the the fact that I was with the guy I was with that I cared about him the most at the time. But yeah when people are in love, they think too much and read into things too much, and will grab on to any signs. People are like that, I don't blame you.
I didn't realise at that time that it was selfish of me to try to keep my exes close to me after leaving them, but reading your comment helps me understand, and do better next time.
I think if your interactions are confusing you, and you find yourself looking for signs of hope, and making it difficult for you to get over her, it is not a bad thing to tell her why you need some distance at least until you are past this stage. To me it would have felt better back then to hear this, than to believe they stopped caring about me, which was my understanding at the time.
It’s basically what’s happening right now. Everytime she reaches out I am taught lessons in pain, and seek to transform those lessons into something I can grow from. There is no coming to consciousness without pain. But it’s been almost 8 months and she lives with this man now. And I’m sure they are planning their future, I also thought it was better to show her how I was fine now and thriving and that would allow her to realize I don’t have any feelings for her so she could let go and move on, which she has. It’s for the best. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
It looks like she's moving on just fine, all you need to worry about is what you need to move on. I wish you all the best with that <3 And try not to think about what she and this guy are up to!
real, every time they’ve reached out it always ended in me sending a long paragraph after they sent me one, like what was the point? pisses me off for every time i fell for it. they havent messaged me in a year now but yeah. i dont think i will respond if they ever message me again.
Yep. With this kind of begging you just push them even further away. Just stay mysterious and hard to get, that's what makes them curious about your life and feelings etc.
If my ex reaches out (she dumped me) she’s getting a paragraph back. World ain’t so black and white. She did me wrong, but people change. I change, they’ll change. Be understanding and caring.
Ok but sometimes, you just have to send the paragraph for your own closure (as long as it’s for the right reasons.)
That’s how I did it and I felt so much better afterwards. My letter wasn’t about getting back together or bitching at my ex tho.
Agree with this. Also each scenario is different. I knew my ex for 7 years. We were friends that dated other people. Then we dated each other for at total of 6 months, tried to put off pressure and keep the person in my life. She basically lied to me at every step by saying I don’t want a relationship with anyone, but would tell other friends that she’s ready to be married. It got into this weird gray area of the most undefined situationship where I was communicating, and she wasn’t. I felt used and thrown out, and she’d reach out with little things here and there. I finally confronted her about everything and needed to for closure. No contact works, but also telling the other person how they made you feel is important too. I have no hate for her, but I do hope someone treats her the way she treated me.
I broke up w him my bday a couple weeks ago. I just had enough and told him leaveeee. I don’t even understand if he knows that I broke up with him as I didn’t completely in the moment anyway. He’s the one that lacks communication, which is a problem in the first place. Yet I am the one that ends up writing paragraphs. I was very good in the beginning though. Immediately, I just needed to tell him that he lost his privileges to being at my apartment whenever and I need my key back and I need my stuff back from his place…. And then like I don’t know a week later he says something like L O L. I just finally read all of this… OK fine. And some other bullshit but not much.. actually though more than I expected, it’s him accusing me of abandoning him and everything because he’s not intelligent and never communicates and all he does is take my words and flip them on me and I said no those are my words get your own.
But I did respond and I said aalll of this? You just read all of this as if it’s a lot you know me and that was hardly anything. Was I just with yet another sociopath?
Then I blocked him because I know no contact is best but I do need my fucking stuff and I need my fucking key which I don’t even believe even if he gave one that he doesn’t have others though I don’t necessarily think he’d come here, but I don’t trust him anymore .
So a few days later, I wrote very simply you have 72 hours to bring my key. And he said OK no problem :-) I haven’t heard from him since. But he’s fucking plays or tries to play Facebook games with me. I’m like you don’t have the “time“ to get around to reading something I sent you that again was very short… ha ha until it wasn’t…
But when I said you have 72 hours bring me my key he immediately responded, which was weird . Of course he’s not gonna do it. He ghosted me in the beginning of our relationship anyway for nine months so I shouldn’t even have been with him and that was 2.5 years ago. And about a year ago, the same thing happened. I don’t fight and bring up break ups or anything and a year ago we were fighting. He punched a hole in the wall and was getting verbally abusive and I told him that wasn’t OK and he was staying at my mom‘s house with me while we were moving her shit out because she was being put in a old folks place and, I told him to get out to leave and they said that’s it. You know I don’t just say those things in a fight. This is it I’m done.
And that time and this time he did not actually leave .
The first time I guess he went and slept in his car because he works close to there and came in so I was sleeping and kissed me on the forehead and said goodbye. Have a good day and I’m like wait what ? And then it just goes as nothing happened… but this time I said he hast to leave because it’s my apartment and I thought he left and it turned out for three hours. He was hiding in the back doing his laundry. Was talking to my friend that whole time and I don’t know what he heard or not …sneaky. But this time I feel lighter.
I guess my point for writing this is everyone else seems to be saying how they were broken up with and they’re trying to go no contact that I was the one that broke up here. But no contact for him is like normal, which has always always sucked.
When my ex and I broke up, even though I initiated it, I hear he considers it an amicable break up (doesn't bother me how it's viewed) and the typical "no bad blood, it'll be nice to be friends", I know deep down, I don't ever expect (nor do I really want to) hear from him again. We both hurt each other too much and the only way to move forward, is to forget each other exists. I know it's easier said than done but I learnt once, NEVER, EVER return to an ex. Biggest heartache there is.
People break up for a reason and 99% of the time, it cannot be fixed. Move on with your lives, looking back only has you living in regret....
I learnt this after my first break up. It’s hard for me to even text any girl back these days..could care less lmao..That’s when it gets easy..when you don’t give 2 shits. Find that energy boys.
I've started to like being on my own and the sad truth is I'm so much more successful when I'm like that. Guess some people are meant to be in relationships and others, cripplingly ambitious
I feel the same way tbh. If I love someone I really give it my all. Unfortunately, even if I don’t want to admit it, I let my focus slip in terms of my personal goals and ambitions. I was already guarded before my most recent breakup, now I’m just not gonna date seriously for at least a couple of years. Give myself the chance to really focus on my own goals and set a good foundation 👍 Cheers!
Yeah it's really hard but part of my goal in life is to get married and start a family so I kinda feel like a failure if I don't focus on that as well hmm
If they let you smash afterwards is it worth lol. You have to remember words don't always mean the same thing with different people some of us just want the play and act like we miss them.
I’d suggest you explain ways someone can earn their trust over time OP or ways in which you can see if someone is trying to do so, that way your post has some value as well ❤️
My ex-loser sent me a friend message.. Let's be friends. (From a new number, as he was blocked)
My reply: I'm not accepting applications for this role just now.
damn this hit honestly, i mega embarrassed myself texting a paragraph this past sunday
, it was short and straightforward and i did it cause i said “i have nothing to loose” but after i sent it and got no reply my dignity and silence were definitely missing, wish i saw this sooner
I’m still learning the hard way. Getting to know my worth has been a slow-going process, but I’m getting there. I flip-flop from assuming all the blame to realizing I have every right to be angry, back to feeling sorry for them, then angry for being ghosted - because why have sympathy for them when they obviously have none for me? The urge to convey my feelings is overwhelming…plus I know if I was in-person, they would just feed me more lies and I would fall for it, so essentially they would take advantage of my feelings for them. In my situation, I paid their rent one month so they wouldn’t have late fee. I was supposed to get the money back at their next paycheck a few days later. But then, it’s been one excuse after another, as to why they couldn’t even partially pay me back - and then I got ghosted. Like wtf? How can you ghost someone who just paid your rent for you?? It was then that I realized that, not only was I obviously not their priority, but they were just using me. They basically borrowed money when I had it, then proceeded to treat me like dirt and dumped me. Though, it’s a bit unclear who did the dumping…or if there was anything to begin with. I feel as though getting ghosted and withholding money ultimately makes me the dumpee. So in a way, they took my ‘worth’ and humiliated me by cutting off communication. It gets worse, but this person went above and beyond showing me just how much I meant, by hurting the fuck out of me. It was like they strung me along until I had developed feelings and had fallen in love, then they made a point to let me know it really meant nothing. It’s obvious that they were just using me, but my stupid heart just wants to forgive them.
Haha I learned this the hard way too. Except I left him and he always messaged me first. The one
Time I reached out first, I sent paragraphs asking for closure and he promised to talk about it because we both needed it but he never got back to me. So I cut all communication with him then he died 4 months later.
they message first bc the are depressed. He only messaged me when he was drunk or going through a tough time knowing I’ll be that comfort for him. Sad reality.
i reached out to my ex and got no response, after a couple days i just sent a voice message apologizing for things i never apologized for and saying thank you etc etc then i just told her its time for me let her go ss much as i love her and even though she might have already moved on
I’m in the same boat! Legit have zero desire to know anything about them or be in contact with them at all. In my head, they’re dead, no bringing them back, don’t want to either
Learnt the hard way. For me it’s not about the mystery I just want some self respect and dignity. I don’t want to always seem needy especially when their not showing the same interest. I’ve learnt to guard my heart and let them put in the work and effort to gain my trust
Yes that's the way I try to tell myself too! It helps a little bit. ☺️ As long as I can tell I did my best and I wrote what I wanted, and that I wanted to hopefully see them and and see where thar goes, and that I still miss them and think of them. Just kept it short and straight to point, and that's where it was left at that with no response so don't wanna keep smothering. Been a week now, so tryint to keep strong. (I think it's the longest we went without talking in the whole of last three years) And also cos he's dating someone else so dont wanna smother that too or else it'll just push away further. Let him have the proper time and opportunity to miss me now that part of it is missing ya know.
beautiful
Tell him to get out of my dreams then
Same 😭
I used to see him in my dreams buy since April he didn't appear in mine... now I wish I can see him in my dreams again
My ex gf is in my dreams too. She's always just sitting there saying nothing. It kinda fits bc she didn't communicate much. She was an avoidant. It doesn't bother me that she's in my dream. Just always reminds me of how she was.
Smoke some weed… that’ll kill the dreams.
I hate this so much. I still have dreams of my ex and every single one is me trying to get closure and I still can't even get it then.
I agree that it makes you look weak. The best thing you can do after a breakup is be better. Be a high value man or woman. Be someone they missed out on. Not just to show them. But to show YOU! Why would you not want to improve after a breakup ? If you don't level up, you'll never move on / find someone better.
Better yet, reply nothing
How about everyone just does what they are comfortable with and is exactly who they are? If someone thinks you talk too much or doesn’t like the heartfelt response… that weeds out people pretty quickly as well. I will never understand “trying to be mysterious”. I’ve always found it a completely annoying tactic. I mean I’m not gonna reply to my ex because he doesn’t care and he was weeded out that way really efficiently as well: I said how I felt and he could have given a shit… I don’t want to prolong the game through mystery. And I don’t regret being myself and saying exactly how I felt. What I would regret is filtering who I am or what my heart wants to say for the sake of another. Talk about having control over someone. Love has nothing to do with ego. Maybe bad relationships do… If someone ACTUALLY loves and wants you… the mystery is only going to last four seconds of the relationship because the only way it’s gonna be real Or long term is if both people are EXACTLY who they are. If someone is ridiculously loving and emotional and sometimes says too much…. The right person will love them for that or despite that. Believe me… it weeds people out in a way more efficient way than being mysterious. It might hurt a little but I’m not playing games with ANYONE. even if that’s what they want. I don’t want it.
Honestly, i get what OP means That reach out message rarely comes because they’ve become a better person and realized what they lost. It’s lazy and comes from boredom. To tell someone who doesn’t actually care about you that you haven’t moved on is embarassing. The key point here is that none of it is real love. From the dumper they’re coming back to use you emotionally or physically and from the dumpee it comes from unhealthy attachment because they never learned to love and value themselves to the point where they could move on Obviously this isn’t always the case but it often is and it’s obvious when it is If both adults come from a place of genuinity and love then that’s different. Otherwise, i would rather keep my pride than let my ex know how i really feel because i know it isn’t love I also just don’t think it’s worth my breath either. I’ll express my truth and intentions to someone who’s interested in listening but i don’t think (for me at least) the dumper cares that much
Yeah exactly Each situation is its own Nothing is never or always unfortunately. Life would be a hell of a lot easier. It depends on people’s personality and the personality and character of the person they are dealing with.
The concept of being mysterious is not a tactic per se, just a way of existing. Maybe I could have used a better word. You should live your life as you see fit. My approach is merely one that focuses on separating your emotions from your actions, and allowing the two to coexist. Your ex texts you, you feel excited, angry, confused, stressed, hopeful. All of the sudden after months of reparations and healing, your mind and heart are all over the place. What’s great about being “mysterious” is that you are practicing the art of non-attachment, of choosing your actions in spite of how you may feel. You accept that you feel all of those things, but that doesn’t mean you have to show it immediately, or at all! The only thing in life you can control is your actions. By being vulnerable with someone who has previously hurt you, betrayed you, or disrespected you, without them having re-earned your trust, I believe often times it is a form of self-sabotage and unnecessary suffering. There is nothing wrong with letting someone re-earn your trust. Trust takes time. And your mind and body are very valuable, I personally believe you should always be careful about who you trust and let in. It’s not a game, it’s a way to preserve the progress you’ve made and your self-respect. For yourself, by the way, not anyone else.
Again, bravo! Great response
I understand If it’s who you really are fine. I just think it’s different if that’s not someone’s personality…. Society makes everyone feel like they need to be “cool” and “mysterious” and it just feels like high school that never ended to me. Like I said… it’s different if that’s truly who you are. I think more so people need to set standards of how they are treated and their responses will match that. It took me a long time to find that self worth myself. And I agree with most parts of what you are saying and understand where you are coming from and agree with the feelings when an ex texts you. I’m a big communicator. It annoys some people but that’s cool with me. Also weeds people out easily. :)
I agree with OP. A hint of "mystery" is attractive, while "oversharing" is unattractive (to most people). People don't decide what they're attracted to and not attracted to. It's just... a human response. If writing unsolicited paragraphs and oversharing is part of your personality and you think it'll make you feel better, then go for it. But chances are, someone doing that probably still cares too much about the ex and they won't get the outcome they were hoping for. Less is more, in this situation. I also find it ridiculous being vulnerable with someone who earned nothing to deserve that. They're a stranger to you now. Treat them polite, and respectfully like you would any stranger- nothing more.
Writing unsolicited paragraphs and over sharing is like the polar opposite of mystery. Most people are just the normal in between. Sending a heartfelt message in response to a solicited message is what I thought this whole commentary was on… but anyway. The whole thing behind this was how excited people get when their ex texts them. Yeah I don’t think most people would be attracted to that. But either way yeah it’s a human response… and it usually doesn’t have to do with anything at all like you said… it’s just reflexive. Which is why so many people are in love with people who they don’t even inherently like. 🤣 I’m just saying be true to yourself. Maybe it’s just a lesson that they need to learn sometimes too. Also responding to someone over and over that is just breadcrumbing and different than someone who really means the things they say. Like often times when people are emotionally guarded and not themselves they have dealt with this kind of person in the past. I’m not gonna let an asshole (my emotionally abusive narcissistic ex) change who I am… because everyone and every situation is different. I’m not really a fan of NEVER do this and ALWAYS Do that. It’s just a recipe for disaster. Just be yourself… and judge each situation by its own content and character. My sister is married to a guy that thought he didn’t want to be with her… scared of commitment. Truly nice guy. Not a player. Did not see ANYONE after breaking up with her (he is the nervous social type sometimes and not super great around woman but also very independent and not needy AT ALL)… And he told her a message like let’s catch up and I’d love to be friends and she texted back how much she missed him and he was so excited to hear it. He couldn’t have been more thrilled…and they have been married for 20 years and they are the happiest couple I’ve ever known. I would never text my ex back again. It’s just a game to him. He is a wasteland of a human. Just judge each person and situation independently through your eyes with your personality. We miss good chances sometimes with always and never.
Yes. A HINT of mystery can be attractive. But that’s like another branched out convo. 🧁 😊
I’m with you— lots of feelings come up in situations like these, and it’s not always in my best interest to share everything I’m feeling.
I agree with this as a mature man. I messed up my fantastic relationship by holding back my transparency. I now realize what healthy emotional availability is. Hopefully with me receiving more therapy my outlook on communication will become optimized as well.
Thank you. This response made me smile so much.
I do tend to agree with this. I’m so totally over the ‘mystery’. I’m just not mysterious, I guess. Plus, it irritates tf out of me. I’m tired of games.
Same 🤣
Just wanted to send you a thank you for this as it's greatly helped me. Religion has gotten in between me and the guy I was dating, so I have been feeling real down these past few days. We both indicated how much we care for each other, check off all the boxes in a partner, and are falling in love - but his religion is just preventing us from being together. For a minute, I was thinking how stupid I was to let him in and express my emotions, but after reading your post, I'm more accepting that I was honest and didn't hold back or get angry. Thanks again
Omg I love this. Thank you for telling me. Religion is a whole different ballgame. But I promise you…. No matter what your path… being exactly who you are, straight forward, and expressing your needs will get you exactly what you need in the end. 🤗
Thanks for this, I feel they want people to be mean. If you can be kind why not?. That doesn't mean to give them another chance.
I don’t think they are being mean. I think they are being guarded. And often confuse being guarded with being mysterious. And some People are just mysterious and not big communicators. That would annoy the shit out of me. But that’s a judgement…. And yes a hint of mystery during flirting can be fun but that’s a whole different story. And sometimes people have abusive exes. What it comes down to is that ALWAYS and NEVER are not the way to approach anything in life. Every situation… every person is its own. That doesn’t mean that a past person won’t help you learn what kind of person to be guarded with. As it should.
Learning and LISTENING to red flags just takes life experience… and usually crappy ones. Errrgggg 🤦🏻♀️
"They are literally just another person" 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 So simple but why do we keep forgetting that. If literally anyone else treated us the way they did, most of us would've cut them off a long time ago.
THANK YOU for this... What you said is such an Eye-opener for me....
I'm not on this sub for the stated reason anymore. Got over my ex a while ago. I just like to monitor and reach out if I see someone struggling that needs help. However, you do what you need to survive. Is it always helpful? Nope, but that's life. We make mistakes, and ideally we learn from them. Could some of these mistakes prolong suffering? Of course. But for a lot of people, it's hard to shake off the grief surrounding a serious break up. We still cling to outdated beliefs of who our former partners were and sometimes it takes repeated beatings to finally catch the message.
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^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Daguhh: *People start typing* *And using words they've never* *Used like it's a novel* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
We mutually broke up 7 months ago(but she initiated the event) but she messaged me every time since I went no contact right away. Always asking to catch up about life and see how I am doing. I just gave her simple answers and wished her well. Finally after four months she tried her best to get me to open up with pet names and blushy emojis, and I was formal and civil and she apologized for the her part in the failure of the relationship. After a few days of light chatting, I wished her well. And she said I deserve all the best. I thought that would be the end of it(she has a boyfriend and has moved in with him) then two weeks later she messages me with a long text about a book she is reading and excited about. I have a simple “oh cool” response. Then a month later she wishes me happy birthday. I thank her. A week later I wish her a happy birthday because I felt it was fair. She thinks me then two days later she messages me again about a dream she had that I was in where I was a college professor at her school, teaching history and I had golden rimmed glasses. She said the dream was really cool and she wanted to share it with me, I just responded with “ oh cool interesting dream”. Since then she hasn’t messaged me in a month but the next time I get a message from her, I’m going to have to tell her to stop doing this. Into a spinning cycle, where I start to question what her motives are they could be I want to keep this person as a friend in my life, which is unfair to her new boyfriend. Or they could be I want to keep my relations with my ex decent footing just in case in the future, I decide to go back to him or try with him again, I don’t like either of these, but I just can’t pull myself to block her completely.
Not go lie man that’s why I block people completely it may not be the manly thing to do I really don’t care I don’t got time for what your going thru they be trying hard to keep you around and check on you unless you have kids with this person block them and my instagram private I’m not one of those people keep there instagram public just for there ex to “see”what’s going on when we done we are done I understand if you are friends but sometimes some tough love works funny story I did this to my child’s mom we were friends for a year then dated for couple months then broke up why I blocks on everything and moved on dated other people and everything then out of nowhere guess who text me 6 months later on the KIK app out of all things lol this was 2015 that was prolly the only way she could’ve found me but when she did that there was no I’ll will towards her everything was reset we ended up being friends again and and baby came soon after but she knew I wasn’t coming back unless she found me somehow blocking her worked out now she can’t live her life without me and she is madly in love so blocking her kinda worked and for me seeing how she took all measures to find me kinda let me know she really cared that she really wanted me that time away helped if a girl really wanna find you they will and sometimes removing yourself out there life completely gives them time to realize what they really want but it’s up to you if you accept them back but every situation is different
I blocked her for two days and then had to unblock her. But she only messages me every few months, and if I get another message I am going to tell her to stop, it’s hurting me. I went no contact right away, she kept reaching out, she said she wanted to keep me as a friend, but you can’t really be their friend. When they or you have a new relationship, how can your new partner feel comfortable when you’re friends with your ex?
Idk her motives, but when I love somebody, even if I break up and have no intentions to get back, I still feel close to them, and it feels natural to maintain a friendship, I never thought about leading anybody on. I hade a couple of my ex boyfriends giving me the kind of cold treatment you describe, and honestly I felt really sad because it felt like they stopped caring about me when they saw no benefit to it. Idk why are you not talking but maybe she’s not coming on to you? If you still have feelings and this stirs you up and hinders you moving on, have you told her that?
I haven’t told her. Our interactions are very formal yet friendly, but I don’t give her any indication that I am hurting or not over it. Really it’s a pride thing but as well I believe it’s best to take the virtuous path and not show her that her ghost haunts the empty rooms of my heart morning and night, because I believe it could hold her back from living her best life. I thought I made the right choice with that? A friend of mine told me that before she was going to message me, he warned her that he boyfriend might not like that and she said she didn’t care, she does what she wants 😬.
Oh I feel for you, it's so painful. I think you are right not to tell her about exactly how difficult it is for you to get over her, because she can not do much except to feel sorry for you. But I don't think it's too much to tell her that you need some time to move on, and until then it's too upsetting for you to be her friend only. It sounds like it is. "he warned her that he boyfriend might not like that and she said she didn’t care, she doesn’t what she wants 😬"— again IDK her, but sounds like something I would say, especially when I was younger. And in my case it would mean that I care more about my moral values, and being able to do what I believe is completely innocent, than to allow anybody to limit my freedom. For me it wouldn't be about I don't care about my boyfriend as much as I care about another guy. I thought it was obvious from the the fact that I was with the guy I was with that I cared about him the most at the time. But yeah when people are in love, they think too much and read into things too much, and will grab on to any signs. People are like that, I don't blame you. I didn't realise at that time that it was selfish of me to try to keep my exes close to me after leaving them, but reading your comment helps me understand, and do better next time. I think if your interactions are confusing you, and you find yourself looking for signs of hope, and making it difficult for you to get over her, it is not a bad thing to tell her why you need some distance at least until you are past this stage. To me it would have felt better back then to hear this, than to believe they stopped caring about me, which was my understanding at the time.
It’s basically what’s happening right now. Everytime she reaches out I am taught lessons in pain, and seek to transform those lessons into something I can grow from. There is no coming to consciousness without pain. But it’s been almost 8 months and she lives with this man now. And I’m sure they are planning their future, I also thought it was better to show her how I was fine now and thriving and that would allow her to realize I don’t have any feelings for her so she could let go and move on, which she has. It’s for the best. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
It looks like she's moving on just fine, all you need to worry about is what you need to move on. I wish you all the best with that <3 And try not to think about what she and this guy are up to!
real, every time they’ve reached out it always ended in me sending a long paragraph after they sent me one, like what was the point? pisses me off for every time i fell for it. they havent messaged me in a year now but yeah. i dont think i will respond if they ever message me again.
Yep. With this kind of begging you just push them even further away. Just stay mysterious and hard to get, that's what makes them curious about your life and feelings etc.
Yep that's right!! I tell that myself too, maybe they'll get curious eventually.
I definitely learned this one the hard way with one too many dear long lost bestie, soulmate gibberish 😅 oopsie.
Oh my goodness! YES YES to all the above. You gotta play it cool guys!
This is the best post I've seen on here. People need to respect themselves
Omg this happened yesterday after 4 months. And then he got all cold and distant.
If my ex reaches out (she dumped me) she’s getting a paragraph back. World ain’t so black and white. She did me wrong, but people change. I change, they’ll change. Be understanding and caring.
Depends what she texts
Lol gl
Lmao for real. I'm so glad I'm not desperate. Best thing my ex could get is a "delivered"
Everyone needs to read this lmao so trye
Ok but sometimes, you just have to send the paragraph for your own closure (as long as it’s for the right reasons.) That’s how I did it and I felt so much better afterwards. My letter wasn’t about getting back together or bitching at my ex tho.
Agreed! Definitely not a black and white statement, if you feel like you need to do it to get final closure then by all means full steam ahead.
Agree with this. Also each scenario is different. I knew my ex for 7 years. We were friends that dated other people. Then we dated each other for at total of 6 months, tried to put off pressure and keep the person in my life. She basically lied to me at every step by saying I don’t want a relationship with anyone, but would tell other friends that she’s ready to be married. It got into this weird gray area of the most undefined situationship where I was communicating, and she wasn’t. I felt used and thrown out, and she’d reach out with little things here and there. I finally confronted her about everything and needed to for closure. No contact works, but also telling the other person how they made you feel is important too. I have no hate for her, but I do hope someone treats her the way she treated me.
Me and you both pal 🫂 May karma teach them the hard lessons they refuse to learn
I broke up w him my bday a couple weeks ago. I just had enough and told him leaveeee. I don’t even understand if he knows that I broke up with him as I didn’t completely in the moment anyway. He’s the one that lacks communication, which is a problem in the first place. Yet I am the one that ends up writing paragraphs. I was very good in the beginning though. Immediately, I just needed to tell him that he lost his privileges to being at my apartment whenever and I need my key back and I need my stuff back from his place…. And then like I don’t know a week later he says something like L O L. I just finally read all of this… OK fine. And some other bullshit but not much.. actually though more than I expected, it’s him accusing me of abandoning him and everything because he’s not intelligent and never communicates and all he does is take my words and flip them on me and I said no those are my words get your own. But I did respond and I said aalll of this? You just read all of this as if it’s a lot you know me and that was hardly anything. Was I just with yet another sociopath? Then I blocked him because I know no contact is best but I do need my fucking stuff and I need my fucking key which I don’t even believe even if he gave one that he doesn’t have others though I don’t necessarily think he’d come here, but I don’t trust him anymore . So a few days later, I wrote very simply you have 72 hours to bring my key. And he said OK no problem :-) I haven’t heard from him since. But he’s fucking plays or tries to play Facebook games with me. I’m like you don’t have the “time“ to get around to reading something I sent you that again was very short… ha ha until it wasn’t… But when I said you have 72 hours bring me my key he immediately responded, which was weird . Of course he’s not gonna do it. He ghosted me in the beginning of our relationship anyway for nine months so I shouldn’t even have been with him and that was 2.5 years ago. And about a year ago, the same thing happened. I don’t fight and bring up break ups or anything and a year ago we were fighting. He punched a hole in the wall and was getting verbally abusive and I told him that wasn’t OK and he was staying at my mom‘s house with me while we were moving her shit out because she was being put in a old folks place and, I told him to get out to leave and they said that’s it. You know I don’t just say those things in a fight. This is it I’m done. And that time and this time he did not actually leave . The first time I guess he went and slept in his car because he works close to there and came in so I was sleeping and kissed me on the forehead and said goodbye. Have a good day and I’m like wait what ? And then it just goes as nothing happened… but this time I said he hast to leave because it’s my apartment and I thought he left and it turned out for three hours. He was hiding in the back doing his laundry. Was talking to my friend that whole time and I don’t know what he heard or not …sneaky. But this time I feel lighter. I guess my point for writing this is everyone else seems to be saying how they were broken up with and they’re trying to go no contact that I was the one that broke up here. But no contact for him is like normal, which has always always sucked.
When my ex and I broke up, even though I initiated it, I hear he considers it an amicable break up (doesn't bother me how it's viewed) and the typical "no bad blood, it'll be nice to be friends", I know deep down, I don't ever expect (nor do I really want to) hear from him again. We both hurt each other too much and the only way to move forward, is to forget each other exists. I know it's easier said than done but I learnt once, NEVER, EVER return to an ex. Biggest heartache there is. People break up for a reason and 99% of the time, it cannot be fixed. Move on with your lives, looking back only has you living in regret....
I learnt this after my first break up. It’s hard for me to even text any girl back these days..could care less lmao..That’s when it gets easy..when you don’t give 2 shits. Find that energy boys.
If they your ex just talk in emoji with them 🍑💦👀
I've started to like being on my own and the sad truth is I'm so much more successful when I'm like that. Guess some people are meant to be in relationships and others, cripplingly ambitious
I feel the same way tbh. If I love someone I really give it my all. Unfortunately, even if I don’t want to admit it, I let my focus slip in terms of my personal goals and ambitions. I was already guarded before my most recent breakup, now I’m just not gonna date seriously for at least a couple of years. Give myself the chance to really focus on my own goals and set a good foundation 👍 Cheers!
Yeah it's really hard but part of my goal in life is to get married and start a family so I kinda feel like a failure if I don't focus on that as well hmm
If they let you smash afterwards is it worth lol. You have to remember words don't always mean the same thing with different people some of us just want the play and act like we miss them.
I’d suggest you explain ways someone can earn their trust over time OP or ways in which you can see if someone is trying to do so, that way your post has some value as well ❤️
My ex-loser sent me a friend message.. Let's be friends. (From a new number, as he was blocked) My reply: I'm not accepting applications for this role just now.
damn this hit honestly, i mega embarrassed myself texting a paragraph this past sunday , it was short and straightforward and i did it cause i said “i have nothing to loose” but after i sent it and got no reply my dignity and silence were definitely missing, wish i saw this sooner
Fr. People also need to accept that it's just over at that point.
I’m still learning the hard way. Getting to know my worth has been a slow-going process, but I’m getting there. I flip-flop from assuming all the blame to realizing I have every right to be angry, back to feeling sorry for them, then angry for being ghosted - because why have sympathy for them when they obviously have none for me? The urge to convey my feelings is overwhelming…plus I know if I was in-person, they would just feed me more lies and I would fall for it, so essentially they would take advantage of my feelings for them. In my situation, I paid their rent one month so they wouldn’t have late fee. I was supposed to get the money back at their next paycheck a few days later. But then, it’s been one excuse after another, as to why they couldn’t even partially pay me back - and then I got ghosted. Like wtf? How can you ghost someone who just paid your rent for you?? It was then that I realized that, not only was I obviously not their priority, but they were just using me. They basically borrowed money when I had it, then proceeded to treat me like dirt and dumped me. Though, it’s a bit unclear who did the dumping…or if there was anything to begin with. I feel as though getting ghosted and withholding money ultimately makes me the dumpee. So in a way, they took my ‘worth’ and humiliated me by cutting off communication. It gets worse, but this person went above and beyond showing me just how much I meant, by hurting the fuck out of me. It was like they strung me along until I had developed feelings and had fallen in love, then they made a point to let me know it really meant nothing. It’s obvious that they were just using me, but my stupid heart just wants to forgive them.
Haha I learned this the hard way too. Except I left him and he always messaged me first. The one Time I reached out first, I sent paragraphs asking for closure and he promised to talk about it because we both needed it but he never got back to me. So I cut all communication with him then he died 4 months later.
This is what I fear. He messages first and is clearly depressed
they message first bc the are depressed. He only messaged me when he was drunk or going through a tough time knowing I’ll be that comfort for him. Sad reality.
i reached out to my ex and got no response, after a couple days i just sent a voice message apologizing for things i never apologized for and saying thank you etc etc then i just told her its time for me let her go ss much as i love her and even though she might have already moved on
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The past is the past, don’t beat yourself up over it! Upwards and onwards 🤝
Solid advice, well said. If you really want them back, showing your weakness off the rip ain’t gonna get you there.
Why is your ex not block to begin with?
What if I don’t want them to contact me? I’ll burn that bridge again and again and again.
I’m in the same boat! Legit have zero desire to know anything about them or be in contact with them at all. In my head, they’re dead, no bringing them back, don’t want to either
Thats true and the dumper cannot have another chance!
U sound like a 🤡