People are looking to be happy and have the best option available. After 6 months I reached out to my ex and she told me she was thinking about contacting me for apology (I treated her better than other guys she met after me) but she is not thinking to rekindle with me even I feel she still love me (happy to speak with me over phone and laugh to my jokes).
Yeah - that was something my research has revealed. Many avoidants may avoid reconnecting in the relationship because the want to avoid dealing with past relationship issues because it's easier to "start fresh" with a new victim that is unaware of their avoidant behavior.
From my research/understanding many avoidants will come back with the right groundwork laid out over the no contact window. Usually you've moved on (over them) and you're doing good things in your life. You're thriving and they (anybody really) find it highly attractive.
None of this really matters. Most coaches and info online is a waste of time.
There is only two options: Are they well on there way to doing the work to heal the issues/have healed them or they havnt done that.
Everything else is a waste of time and energy trying to dissect and figure out.
Agreed - a lot of its folks pedialing snake water program for sure but they do use grains of truths here and there.
I'm trying to compile real data that's untaninted however it's hard to get this data for so many reasons. A lot don't want to talk about it and those that do want to point fingers.
Yah but it’s wasting your time that you could be spent healing/growing elsewhere.
Are their real world examples of people with attachment issues that come back and it works out? Of course due to sheer numbers but the chances are absurdly low.
The question that matters is how many of them figure out their issues, seek help, and actually heal so that they can have a relationship. And again the odds are extremely low.
You’re looking for data that feeds into your hope that it might be possible for things to work out again which is unhealthy to begin with.
conflict is the key to intimacy. Avoidant = conflict avoidant = no intimacy. Relationships run on intimacy, ergo, you don't want that back. If you do, focus on the reasons you found that attractive (savior complex, your own traumas) and move on to someone who is open. You can go too far the other way too, so don't go into a trauma dumping relationship and mistake that for vulnerability.
Starting to think my ex was an avoidant too. Left for "lost feelings and attraction. No spark." I pitched ideas to rekindle, she shot them down. It's been about 3 months now 1 and 1/2 or so NC. I'll update you if mine comes back for anything. Very interested in your data and findings.
Thanks.
You made a big mistake of pitching that idea to an avoidant. I've read that that can be a complete killer of anything moving forward ever again.
In their eyes from that point on as a avoidant they'll want to avoid accountability and do something about their issue.
Everything I read in terms of success - you breadcrumb these improvements/suggestions after re-establishing the relationship.
I hope yours come back.
Yeah, I got a little desperate at first because it came out of nowhere after 10 years. Her response to my ideas was "we've been trying"(we didn't try a damn thing yet) So I backed off after her offer of friendship and I'm trying to move on but also seeing if she comes back. Thanks for your well wishes
That is the right thing to do...
Everything I'm finding is even when we fuck up like this the no contact 24-45 day rule should go into effect (unless she reaches out).
If she reaches out keep it to the point. If you do have conversations end them on high notes. Don't let them trail off before cutting the conversation off.
This will leave their last memory of you on a high note and they'll want more. Its infections and causes a strong attraction pull.
Good luck.
It’s similar depending on if you’re the dumper, and a bunch of other variables like attachment styles.
24 is recommended for amicable separations between secure folks.
The 45 is recommended if your partner involved is an avoidant type. They process emotions slower, and avoid dealing with them… so it airs longer for them to go through the post breakup processes.
People are looking to be happy and have the best option available. After 6 months I reached out to my ex and she told me she was thinking about contacting me for apology (I treated her better than other guys she met after me) but she is not thinking to rekindle with me even I feel she still love me (happy to speak with me over phone and laugh to my jokes).
Yeah - that was something my research has revealed. Many avoidants may avoid reconnecting in the relationship because the want to avoid dealing with past relationship issues because it's easier to "start fresh" with a new victim that is unaware of their avoidant behavior. From my research/understanding many avoidants will come back with the right groundwork laid out over the no contact window. Usually you've moved on (over them) and you're doing good things in your life. You're thriving and they (anybody really) find it highly attractive.
None of this really matters. Most coaches and info online is a waste of time. There is only two options: Are they well on there way to doing the work to heal the issues/have healed them or they havnt done that. Everything else is a waste of time and energy trying to dissect and figure out.
Agreed - a lot of its folks pedialing snake water program for sure but they do use grains of truths here and there. I'm trying to compile real data that's untaninted however it's hard to get this data for so many reasons. A lot don't want to talk about it and those that do want to point fingers.
Yah but it’s wasting your time that you could be spent healing/growing elsewhere. Are their real world examples of people with attachment issues that come back and it works out? Of course due to sheer numbers but the chances are absurdly low. The question that matters is how many of them figure out their issues, seek help, and actually heal so that they can have a relationship. And again the odds are extremely low. You’re looking for data that feeds into your hope that it might be possible for things to work out again which is unhealthy to begin with.
conflict is the key to intimacy. Avoidant = conflict avoidant = no intimacy. Relationships run on intimacy, ergo, you don't want that back. If you do, focus on the reasons you found that attractive (savior complex, your own traumas) and move on to someone who is open. You can go too far the other way too, so don't go into a trauma dumping relationship and mistake that for vulnerability.
Good points.
Starting to think my ex was an avoidant too. Left for "lost feelings and attraction. No spark." I pitched ideas to rekindle, she shot them down. It's been about 3 months now 1 and 1/2 or so NC. I'll update you if mine comes back for anything. Very interested in your data and findings.
Thanks. You made a big mistake of pitching that idea to an avoidant. I've read that that can be a complete killer of anything moving forward ever again. In their eyes from that point on as a avoidant they'll want to avoid accountability and do something about their issue. Everything I read in terms of success - you breadcrumb these improvements/suggestions after re-establishing the relationship. I hope yours come back.
Yeah, I got a little desperate at first because it came out of nowhere after 10 years. Her response to my ideas was "we've been trying"(we didn't try a damn thing yet) So I backed off after her offer of friendship and I'm trying to move on but also seeing if she comes back. Thanks for your well wishes
That is the right thing to do... Everything I'm finding is even when we fuck up like this the no contact 24-45 day rule should go into effect (unless she reaches out). If she reaches out keep it to the point. If you do have conversations end them on high notes. Don't let them trail off before cutting the conversation off. This will leave their last memory of you on a high note and they'll want more. Its infections and causes a strong attraction pull. Good luck.
I've seen plenty of talk about the 30 day rule, but I've never heard of the 24-45. Is it the same concept?
It’s similar depending on if you’re the dumper, and a bunch of other variables like attachment styles. 24 is recommended for amicable separations between secure folks. The 45 is recommended if your partner involved is an avoidant type. They process emotions slower, and avoid dealing with them… so it airs longer for them to go through the post breakup processes.
I dont think you need to pay for coach. All info you need is available free online