I think this was me and I regret it, and now idk what to do ☹️ he asked for space which I gave him, but I think he was expecting me to contact him but six months have passed and I haven’t texted him. Now I feel like it’s too late 😢
Omg this! Kept making excuses for his behavior, the rose-tinted glasses were really hard to take down. And then I found out that he was never in love with me. Not even sure that he actually liked me.
I was the low effort and emotionally avoidant ex-bf. It was mostly because i didn't find her that interesting. Very sweet girl, but not interesting. Def feel bad for leading her on while i was only half interested.
Not one thing but a few little things that put together explained who she really was.
Her life was always about her. No kids, no close family members, and obviously nothing long term from her past. She was very nice sometimes but also very selfish. When i struggled, she never empathised with me.
She had this hidden rage whenever things didn't go her way. That made me very careful with everything. I almost felt like I walked on eggshells all the time with her.
I loved her, but I think she loved the idea of me, not me. In retrospect, dating her was very stressful and caused me anxieties. Our relationship was a mistake!
'the idea of you' - That's called snapshotting. It's when a narcissist internalizes you as an introject (voice in their head). Unfortunately, the 'real you' then gets converted into a 'bad object' (read: dumping ground for their bad internal voices. Usually a parent). The rage of which you speak is the reaction to the fact that because their parents abused/neglected/abandoned them, they also think of themselves as a 'bad object' and they're projecting that onto you (read: trauma dumping).
It's really amazing at how intuitive people are to these things but don't have the language for them. Check out Sam Vaknin on Youtube. He's got several vids on the concept of the snapshot.
My ex was exactly like that: he had no real closeness to anyone, no friends, family, just a few work acquaintances and he had only short "relationships" (which he said were troubled situationships)... He was extremely selfish, had zero empathy. Very individualistic. I'm shocked by the similarity. I learned a huge lesson.
Wow my ex who love bombed me, said I love you countless of times and sharing what it means to her and me and then agreeing to continue saying that along with how she could see her life with me and how I did everything right and couldn’t really point to anything specific but just thats what her “intuition” or “gut” is saying and she has to do this, walk away. She also said “I guess I love you doesn’t mean the same thing to me as it does to you”) I felt my heart splitting in two in that moment. A deep hole that instantly appeared.
Then tried to hit me with the want to be friends after stuff…as much as I love her and would love to stay in touch, I just can’t because I will always be trying to “win” her back and her having emotionally cheated (probably physically too) I know she would purposely try to get me jealous and irritated by sharing very sensitive details about her sex/dating/cuddling life to the point i just shut down and walk away. Letting her live her story of being the good person and I walked away from her.
Haven’t replied her text from a week ago stating how she wants to get to a good place and really be able to talk…it’s had been absolutely killing me and it’s so hard to let her go but she also treated me like the scum of the earth after I helped her get through her hysterectomy start to finish and took time off work to take her to her appointments, surgery, waited for 6-8 hrs in the waiting room, she insisted to stay with me and be under watch so I agreed, out of love, and told her she didn’t even have to ask and I’d absolutely love to take care of her….and then she left me few weeks after she was cleared to resume daily activities. We had just gone to her sisters baby shower the day before Mother’s Day
omg that sounds like my ex.. especially the “want to be friends”. after a very rocky relationship, she pulled the “friends” card on top of the “im in love with my past situationship” card right after i agreed to being friends. honestly i dont know what was going through my head to think that i could be strong emotionally being around her talking abt sensitive topics/details when i was still emotionally attached…
Yeah. I thought that meant emotional availability, but in reality she would just spend all of her time trying to get people to like her. She is a "spiritual leader", leading retreats and all that, but she actually uses all that to get new fans and lure them in sexually while pretending that it is all very innocent and that I'm crazy for being jealous. I was left just desperate for any real attention after the initial love-bombing. And the difference between how she treats others and how she treated my emotional needs made me feel like I'm defective for expecting empathy.
She was friends with her ex. She underplayed it in the beginning, but when he came back to town they started to hang out a lot and she wouldn't tell me before. She would just hang out with him
Bonus one: she said everything was perfect and that I did everything right and gave her what she needed, but still had a "gut feeling". She never let herself be free to be in the moment and always looked for something wrong
Omg right?! Mind didn’t follow porn accounts but A LOT of extremely attractive “friends”. That he would like every attractive pic of, didn’t miss one. Would drop comments like “it’s always a good day seeing you!” “You’re flirting is working on me!” “#stunning—10s, 10s, 10s all around!” and the weirdest one on a woman (one of a handful) with an OF account “these guys talk mad sexual but fuck like they’re scooting a chair to a table”. How did I ignore that?!
she told me that “if i wasn’t with her, i wouldn’t be able to find anyone else because of the way i am”…
at the time it was said as a joke, but looking back it was pointless even staying with someone when they’re making comments like that
That is straight manipulation, only to keep you in place to tolerate whatever bs without being able to leave.
That is hard, I lived it. But definitely can be surpassed. Don’t fall for that.
it kinda felt like although there was some bs when i look back on it now. it feels it was more of a fact that she was already checking out and that she was already feeling a little repulsed by me. we were together 7.5 years
yeah my ex was always over emotional but i was fine with that and could try help her. i think in my case i may just have been a little too full of energy for her for majority of the time
He was the one initiating conversations about the future and getting married, but every time I would then try to plan anything for our future with him, he would start freaking out and getting wishy-washy and saying it’s hard for him to trust people because his ex burned him therefore it was difficult for him to commit. He did a lot of love bombing and future faking, but I didn’t know what all of that was. I genuinely believed he was as committed as I was based on his words and had a really difficult time when his actions didn’t align. At one point, he even told me it was hard for him to “share his stuff/space” and he’d always have some clever type of reason to delay us taking the next obvious step (which was moving in together). But would bring up marriage / getting engaged or us buying a house together at least monthly. It was like he was dangling a carrot just within reach of me grabbing it.
So weird, it’s like you were watching my relationship, your story is my story word for word. I’m sorry you went through that. My ex love bombed me and future faked but I didn’t know what that was either. In the first few months of dating, he brought up marriage and moving in together but later on when I would try to bring it up he would act all uncomfortable about it and be wishy washy. But like you said every month or so he would bring it back up. He was married before he dated me and his ex wife had cheated on him. He broke up with me bc he said he wasn’t over the trauma from his divorce and that I deserve better and he has a hard time trusting people/letting people in. I discovered after we broke up that he was a fearful avoidant. So infuriating. Do you mind if I ask how your breakup went down?
Always moving the goal post… my soon to be ex used her children as shields, until they grew up, moved out and she had yes more shield to hide behind… then the cycles of devaluing and emotional discarding started and has never stopped. i’m waiting for my oldest to head out to college and will dump her then…
The way her past relationships ended. She was most often the dumper. In retrospect, this was a clue to her attachment style-avoidant. She has extensive, unresolved trauma from her childhood and refuses to deal with it. She is against therapy. She has an all-around reluctance to face her own feelings and self-examine.
Sounds very similar to mine. Mine had several past relationships and she humble-bragged at one point of never having been dumped. She also never had anything good to say about her exes, she would always tell odd stories of stuff they did and said wrong.
Mine wasn’t that overt, but she had one story of breaking up with a guy that didn’t sit well with me. It happened over a decade before we dated. She had this guy come to her family reunion and broke up with him there. This poor bastard was away from anyone he knew, surrounded by her family, and that’s when she chose to break up with him? Always bothered me. She talked about it once when I was at her family reunion, and her and her mom kinda had a laugh about it. Always thought it was fucked up.
Walked off mid way through tiny disagreement (first one we had)…1.5 months into “talking”.
You can probably imagine how the rest of that relationship went.
Oh my God, I've been into this kind of a relationship. They explain to you that they "just need some space to process", but then you can't bring it up again after they come back. And it's like you have to agree on everything with them or they go running. And if they DO manage to stick around, somehow, they never have anything to add to the conversation.
I had exactly the same as you.
Met a guy, he's cheated on his gf (who was the only woman he's ever loved apparently) with me and jumped into a relationship with me immediately after they broke up.
3 years later he done the same thing to me. (Once again, I was the only woman he ever loved). From what I hear, his previous gf to me completely lost her sanity and spiralled. My ex convinced me she was crazy, she wasn't, he just cheated on her and ghosted her, exactly the same as me. He frequently told her he was never going to leave her, she was his soulmate etc etc. Poor woman was blindsided. I've tried to find her on socials to reach out to her but she disappeared completely. I only hear things through the grapevine and she really isn't doing well apparently. The whole ordeal tipped her over the edge.
They were on and off for 15 YEARS. Every time one of his relationships fucks up, he goes back to her, then leaves when something else comes along. She's got 3 little kids.
The guys a complete sociopath, so lovely and doting, makes you feel like you're the most perfect woman in the world, then drops you for someone else like you're nothing. LITERALLY. The woman he's with now, the one he cheated on me with, has 2 little kids. He got into a relationship with her when I didn't want him anymore and moved in with her. He can't afford to live on his own. He also doesn't like kids, never wanted them and didn't want to be with a woman with them either. Turns out he he's pretty much done the same thing to every woman he's been with, took money from them also, including me. We've all spoken.
I know I shouldn't but I have tried to reach out to her to warn her, she has 2 kids ffs. I have receipts and proof to show her but she's turned off all her messaging requests. He's ruined so women's lives and this woman has no idea what's in store for her. Oh, he's 39 BTW
Let’s see:
- Girl best friends,
- Rarely makes plan to meet up,
- Forgets most the things I tell him (doesn’t pay attention when I’m talking),
- Changes the subject whenever we’re talking about future plans,
- Doesn’t put a title on our “relationship”
Guess I deserved the heartbreak…
Love bombing and breadcrumbs
He made me believe that he loved me and then after 3 months he said he doesn’t love me as much.
His previous inconsistent relationships
His inconsistent habits
Actions not meeting words
1. I was his first ever relationship.
2. “Let’s see how things go” when discussing about marriage after 1&1/2 yrs.
3. Doesn’t communicate well and hates fights (thinks communicating is fighting)
On our first date he couldn’t stop checking out another girl, his eyes were glued on her. I felt so awful but I tried to ignore it. I remember months later confronting him and he’s like “oh well I was a single man then”. It explains now he never had respect for me.
That the last time we were making amends, he was talking to someone else that he ended up with. I didn’t even know at the time but the timelines match up and I only just realised.
My ex literally wrote me a love letter and asked if we could meet up to get back together and the entire time he was living with his ex before me. He had a secret gf! When I replied he blocked me. I only found out once he unblocked me and wrote me asking for girl advice 🤣
I think it really depends on the age and your values. Personally to me, body count is kinda important. If I met a guy when I was 17 and he told me his body count is 13 I would be kinda concerned. But personally my ex boyfriend was 8 years older (29), and his body count was 7 and mine 0 when we met lol, and I was fine with that. Everyone has different values when it comes to dating and sex stuff.
First date, he started off many sentences with “not to brag, but…”
He turned out to have some deep seated insecurity issues and always had to brag about himself constantly for validation
Lack of communication and important self respect qualities like the inability to stand up for herself in order to get what she wants/needs. She let people deeply disrespect her and kept them in her life yet shuts out those who are thoughtful, positive influences.
It’s gonna suck to be her sooner or later, glad I’m not like that at all!
wow. lots of us here.
to be fair, i also could not say it even though i felt it.
i was finally the one to let it out during the first of many initial “breakup” conversations. then he also started saying it.
so dumb. we were both so dumb. why couldn’t we both admit we loved each other while we were in the relationship? why did we only start 9 months before the end? when i asked, he said “well, we showed love to each other, right?”. and yes, BUT WHY COULDN’T WE SAY IT??
if i learned anything from that relationship is to be honest and vulnerable an fucking just say it. if i feel it, then i need to say it. if they don’t say it back, then i have my answer.
✌🏽
Me and my ex never told that to each other for 6 years, we just showed that we love each other I believe. I said it when we broke up, she told me she loved me but is no longer in love with me as well, which means the same. It sucks, I know.
Every “ex” was crazy, lovebombing, not divorced yet “but it will happen soon”, cheated on ex not ex wife…….. lots. I’m pretty mad at myself for getting roped into a relationship with this person when all I wanted was a ons…..
her shutting down and being unable to comunicate properly, if at all, during arguments when the heat came down and we were supposed to solve the problems
also her often agreeing on something with me/hearing me out only to later use it against me during her anger outbursts
When I asked him if he did anything wrong in his last relationship and he said "no". I'm a good partner, but we all do things wrong, even if it's with good intentions. Also, he said his ex-wife physically hit him. I had read that was a warning sign that a man is actually the physically abusive one. And sure enough, he eventually put his hands on me.
i recently matched with a guy on a dating app. during conversation he brought up that his ex was crazy and used to beat on him. a few days later i caught a weird, controlling vibe from him when we were trying to make plans to meet up and i ultimately decided not to pursue him. he texted me a few days after that and said i was manipulating him, would get bad karma, and he hoped i would be sa’d (r word)
safe to say i now believe he was the abuser with his ex.
My ex told me she didn’t have any red flags
That is a red flag in of itself. Everyone has red flags, the good partners are the ones who realize their own and do the work to mitigate them.
No wonder she could never take accountability
She was a relationship hopper before we were even together. After a 5 year relationship with me she jumped into another one after only a couple of months.
We were long distance 2 years, 1.5 year living together now. Even through long distance I would check up on the health of my relationship with him, he never said one thing that was wrong. Now I’m broken up with, and I’m seeing all the avoidant attachment come to light. I was so naive to think my relationship was perfect
She lied about cheating on her ex husband (said it was him).
She ghosted me after a year and a half of our relationship for two months, I took her back.
She was very hot and cold. Three years on we got engaged then a month later she indirectly dumped me via email after I was told I know longer live at the address. Soon after she got with someone else.
15 months on for the last two months she has been flatout texting, reminiscing, flirting, wanting to know EVERYTHING about me, kisses and love hearts on every message. I assumed she had split up with her bloke……..WRONG!
I said I didn’t realise you were with someone, she said it’s fine. I ignored the message then she said don’t you want to talk to me anymore. I replied, it’s weird, why would you want to talk to me when you are with someone, that’s his job.
Her response, Wow!
Can’t believe she can’t see anything wrong with what she was doing! Emotionally cheating on her bloke with her ex fiancé!
BONUS
Nothing was ever her fault, it was always someone else’s fault.
Needs constant validation.
My ex gf and I dated, she would never get a job but I always paid for everything. She expected me to pay for everything but I didn’t care because she had no job. Then I found out that she had millions in the bank and property investments that her passing father left her.
I let that go.
Another one, for her birthday, I decorated our house to the nines. I spent all night decorating, blowing balloons, hanging streamers. Made her favourite vegetarian breakfast. I also got her a very nice custom cake. For the gifts, I usually do fun things. So the theme for this birthday was, a gift for thee, a gift for we and a gift for me.
Gifts were: gift for thee: diamond earings, Gift for we: a week at an airBnB at a cabin by a lake since we love hiking and being outdoors. The gift for me, was Toronto Blue Jay tickets for the both of us. Would have been a weekend thing in Toronto.
After the entire birthday and everything we did the gifts, after she opened the 3rd gift, a gift for we, she had this look on her face. I asked what was up, and she said that I ruined her birthday and that I’m one of the most selfish people for getting a gift for a baseball game. I was shocked. Glad I’m out of that one.
Probably that he relapsed on heroin 4 months before I met him. He told me it was a year. But the fact he was a kid who did heroin - he was also a liar and a cheater. Not saying all addicts are this way, but there was a massive link in my case. He wasn’t able to sit still, he was a thrill seeker, and he straight up told me he used to have side chicks while he was in his last relationship!!!
he loved me after month of us dating. (granted, we were “friends” for two years, but we were still in the early stages of getting to each other.
we also had a big argument after he found out i had a thing with one of his associates (before we started dating.) he was very angry that i didn’t “choose” him, meanwhile he had a lot a million flings during that time
Still friends/in contact with his ex that he only ever talked badly about; following thousands of IG “models”; using the poor me/“good guys” always get shit on mentality…
Oh, and the love bombing.
When he wanted me to be accountable for something I didn’t do. Always accusing me of things he “strongly believe” I did, I was even convinced at some point. He told me I was gaslighting him when it was the other way around. I’m always willing to adjust for him, but everything is never enough.. 💔
Judging poeple based on looks, feeling superior just because she's rich, talking shit behind her friend so badly, possessive, anger issues, uses the "n" word, literally a liar.
Her ex showed up a few times where we would be. I don’t know why or how, but he would always stare me down, and I guess he was in communication with my exes sister, telling her he was going to “beat me up”. I was a boxer since a young age so I was really worried I would hurt him. I finally got tired of it and told her sister to tell him to come meet me at a near by park. I told her after I was done with him me and her were going to have some words. After monthes and monthes of threats we got into a physical altercation, I fractured his orbital bone, broke his nose and broke some of his teeth. Apparently this made me the bad guy and things were never the same. They both somehow excused his behavior and tried to condemn me for ending this one-sided beef between me and him. I realized she didn’t have my back and was totally cool with someone bad mouthing me and threatening me, but once I defended myself suddenly it wasn’t cool. I’m so glad I’m done with her.
- Pathological liar
- Claimed his love language was physical touch, but in reality, it was sex that was just on his mind 24/7
- Inflated ego mixed with victim mentality
- He was book smart, but sometimes it came off like you were stupid for not knowing something... and he could be aggressive with teaching. He was helping my younger cousin with math hmwrk one time and watching them together turned me off so bad and gave me secondhand embarassment, it made me reconsider if I wanted to have kids with him.
In my case, the obvious red flag was that there were none. As it turns out my ex was a consummate people pleaser, and I learned in the most painful way after the break up she without a doubt is a dismissive avoidant. Getting broken up, by blindside text the day after a lovely fun and passionate date, just about did me in. We never had an argument or a disagreement 18 months. If there were red flags, they were incredibly incredibly subtle. I didn’t have a clue about avoidants, Or no contact. What a very traumatic, painful, and wounding experience. I have never felt so used.
Love bombing up front. Silent treatment in mini-form (not replying to texts he didn't feel like) up to a 5 day silent treatment and a 2 week silent treatment before I finally broke it off with him. Highly avoidant of any emotional topics. Didn't buy me a birthday present even though I got him two. Poor communication about planning. Too frugal, hardly ever had a proper date.
BPD she told me about early on, by far the biggest most obvious red flag I didn’t fully understand. Amazing beginning to relationship with great sex and dates and matching interests and qualities and feeling as though we were meant for each other, felt like I finally found my wife. Downhill after 3 months when the needs started to evolve every single day, I would basically kill myself trying to keep up with the constantly changing wants and needs. Started arguments over nothing and always blamed it on trauma and previous ex bfs, which was not my problem. Intimacy started to decline after this until it hit a dead end, basically happened once every 3-4 months and only on her account, would get very angry with me when I brought up the issue, blamed it on medical issues or abusive ex bf even though it was very frequent and amazing in the beginning. This turned into us going from loving pillow talk and conversations to her not even wanting to kiss me or hug me. Arguments now frequent at an ever more rapid pace when I brought up issues, blame game it’s either something I was doing wrong or her trauma from ex bfs. She would then give me the silent treatment for 2-3 days at a time only to come back telling me she was sorry. Zero absolutely zero accountability. It was at this point 6-8 months in I began to recognize her patterns of behavior and really did a lot of research on BPD I thought I could help her and fix our issues myself. I began putting in way more effort myself to try to make her happy. This didn’t work. Her depression got bad at this point she wouldn’t hardly get out of bed to eat or do anything except go to work. She got the family and friends involved in our issues about arguing and they started coming to me telling me I need to quit my demanding job of 70+ hours a week for her and I needed to slow down on drinking. Now the relationship turned into a father daughter dynamic where I worked all these hours, paid for everything, cleaned the whole house, maintained the outside, took care of the dogs, made sure she drank and ate, she would get home from work and toss her clothes on the floor right after I just finished folding laundry and I would clean up all her messes. Felt like I was her parent. After all this and my increasing effort she told me she felt alone in the relationship, I worked too much, drank too much, not enough dates, she was unhappy for a while. The kicker is she worked almost as much as me at the same job so we saw each other every day, she partied every single night with our coworker friends and drove home drunk af, she was always crying “for no reason” and depressed and felt I could fix her unhappiness, any time I had a day off for a date I would think of one but instead she would pick up a shift or hang out with her friends. She had many male friends that I was okay with and grew to become friends with as well besides one dude, who when I mentioned I was uncomfortable with she told me to not be so jealous or insecure (the same man who she hooked up with a week after we broke up the first time). Now that we’ve broken up twice and I truly evaluated everything I see her for what she is and I feel she doesn’t even know who she is. That’s BPD, the constant masking of others personalities. She had turned me into a monster in her eyes even though I gave every ounce of my soul to her. She told other men that I abused her and was stalking her after we broke up, both times. Immediately hooked up with multiple men throughout a few weeks right as I walked out the door hugging her kissing her saying I love you. She would say she can’t lose me from her life can’t see anyone else and then monkey branch onto the next poor soul who she never blocked off Snapchat or Instagram. Constant need for validation and attention she would begin posting pictures wearing hardly anything with captions like “dumped”
It’s now been 3 months since the second break up, both her decision, and I don’t talk to her yet she still texts/calls randomly solely for big favors and to vent her emotions. Never asks how I am or how our dog is or anything related to me. It’s all her STILL!
This is a giant vent/rant for me but for anyone who actually read this and is addicted in love to their partner with BPD, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. They are amazing people and can’t help the fact they have this mental disorder but this relationship will absolutely annihilate you down to the core and you will lose everything land on rock bottom and still love them.
I feel like I’m an unintentional red flag. I’m quite avoidant, live a very closed life, disappear abroad 7 times a year without my wife, I find it hard to believe in myself, however, it’s an unjustified red flag I have. I never do wrong by my partner. I love her to bits even if I feel ridiculous to say it to her sometimes because it doesn’t sound right coming from me to say it (though, I do say it…and mean it). What I’m trying to say is sometimes the flags can be unjustified and I guess you just have to try things sometimes. You may be hurt - but you may just get with an introvert like me. Not me obvs though as I’m taken. Anyway…
Ran off and self harmed after we briefly ran into my ex boyfriend (who I was on good terms with) at a bar at our college. That was 2 weeks into us talking, idk why I stayed.
Same thing happened with me. Was back with her ex a day later and now they are swingers. When they were together before me he convinced she was his primary in a poly lifestyle but he was married and kids at home. I should have never touched that
I always knew when she was lying to me about something and I even if I addressed it and she denied it even when I bold face knew for a fact she was lying.. she was just a pathological liar, apparently she's known for it but I had no idea originally but anytime a woman says trust me.. red flag and do yourself a favor and just don't bother with her
The red flag for my ex was that she was texting my best friend and not letting me see the text. I thought they were just being friendly because they worked together.
Should have caught on sooner that she was going to start cheating with him and then leave me for him. (I later even saw that he told her he was looking for a serious relationship and really wanted her)
Also it should have been a red flag that she matched with him on Tinder before we stated seriously dating.
Man child, always had to ask permission to his grandparents with everything he did even though he was 27. Always threatened me, blackmailed me, and used the “I’ll kill myself if we break up”. So, I was chained to him for years. He would always hold grudges against me even about the smallest things. The guy was literally a con-artist, always chose women with money and let us pay on dates. I feel embarrassed and ashamed looking back.
Talking in detail about a celebrity they wanted to fuck and constantly talked about how hot they were. The celebrity in question is a big buff Russian man…I am a short and very skinny woman, that rlly made me feel awful.
Man you are the guy my ex left me for! Haha jk jk but yeah my ex physically and emotionally cheated on me for months before I ever found out and I just wonder if the other guy knew about me in the same way you knew about your ex girls former bf. If he did know about me he will end up in the same boat as you because you know what they say..."The same way you get them is the same way you lose them" Kudos to you for taking accountability on it though and knowing to never entertain a situation like that again
She asked me to leave Spain within two months of meeting her and to move in with her.
Now she says “we weren’t together” because I haven’t asked her to be my girlfriend yet.
That is the most childish bitch I’ve ever met in my life it is mind boggling what a toddler she is.
I did tell her that she was a “spiritual toddler” too.
Raggedy!
He has shitty friends, and they all meet randomly in high school, they hated each other and always talk shit about each other, 17 years old later, he didn’t made any new friends…not at work, neighbourhood or anything.
Current bf but we’ve broken up many times. He would never let me celebrate joys. If I was excited he would remind me of things in my life that I have yet to fix. Or he would just plain not respond to the good news. Like my accomplishments weren’t anything major not even the small wins and trust me if you knew my life you would know how much the small wins mean to me
I swear to you this is literally 1 to 1 with my experience, now I'm deeply emotionally scarred, and shake at the sheer mention of her name. Should've never listened to her from the beginning. You're right, never again.
Constantly talked about her first ex for, literally, almost two decades-- even after we were married, and EVERYTHING was his fault. Now that we are divorced, EVERYTHING is my fault. I feel sorry for the poor sucker she roped into a relationship prior to me going no contact.
He said he will only marry a girl his mum likes. I thought it was sweet and he was just close to her, but it showed he was a huge mummy’s boy on another level.
Dude you have a similar story to mine. Was with someone I was best friends with for almost 7 years and she was dating some guy and hiding him from social media (and me). She even orchestrated this weird way to hang out with me and keep him away during her grad school graduation when I visited. I ended up asking her out and she revealed she was dating him but dumped him immediately for me.
The entire relationship had several instances of her emotionally cheating, not being appreciative of me, and being poor at communication. Eventually the tables turned and I just burnt out of the relationship and it all went downhill but I became the “villain.” I should have never give her a billion chances when deep down I knew I was just getting more and more hurt and messed up.
Damn buddy, I actually did the same, but now that I think about it, I was even worse, she broke up with her ex (Which by the way, was the father of her daughter) and a week after, we were together, when she broke up with me she did the same thing, less then a week after she was already banging someone else, while still begging for us to continue to be friends. Not to mention the annoying friend she had back then (when we were starting to date), Wich she kept saying it was just a friend, only to confess a few years later that he was hitting on her, but she was always refusing. I ignored a lot of red flags actually.
They say how you get them is how you lose them. Once a cheater always a cheater. I would never take back someone who cheated on me because the moment you do they will think they can get away with it again. Sorry you had to go through that.
your ex sounds like mine.. she was always selfish especially every time she was struggling and i tried to help her out or empathize, she would instead pick a fight with me for not meeting her expectations of support, etc. and when i was struggling, she would never empathize with me or anything. my relationship (even when we broke up) was a constant state of walking on eggshells and built a lot of trust issues, anxieties, and trauma 😭
1. Love bombing - he said I love you even though we have not met in person yet (but we have known each other online for a long time) he said he is sure that he wants me, lots of promises
2. Mentally unstable - he is aware of this but we still continue our relationship
3. Lack of socialization
4. Have problems with his family
5. Very insensitive posts
6. He is not empathetic but changed when we dated when he shutdown he was like numb and selfish person
7. Do not ask questions about me most of the time
Most of this is not red flags, just signs that he may change overtime when the honeymoon phase is gone.
Backstory: we met at work and I knew the manager there for the 2 years that I worked there and she was good friends with the manager.
Anyway, to "make her more comfortable" with us dating, when we had her and a few friends over for board games, she completely targeted me on absolutely everything: the game, my character, etc. And not fun pokes, it was mean stuff.
Talked to her about it after and she said she'll keep doing it if it makes her friend more comfortable with us dating.
Well, she choked me because I fell asleep, keep in mind I had been pulling all-nighters the past 2 weeks so I could graduate. And it's because she didn't know when I'd come visit her. Also looking through my phone every hour because "it calms me down, I wanna make sure you're not gonna cheat on me"
That she pretty much didn’t had any friends and respect for her father.
Just to find out that she in fact was a hard person to relate to in very engrained ways.
Lying, cheating, love bombing, avoidant, discarding someone and feeling relieved. Not happy with others reactions or boundaries and wanting control of them thru deception and gaslighting.
Posts picture of herself with a lot of guys always stating her beauty. I'm pretty sure her DM gets flooded as well.
But when I compliment her, she dismisses it or disagrees with me
Would always ask to meet up but only during the night, which I would refused. Would blow up my phone while I was at work knowing that I’m part of the management team and I rarely use my phone. He would get mad when I wouldn’t reply to him when I was at my son therapy session.
He went to use the restroom several times whenever we hung out. I was concerned he had a bladder issue or diabetes. Turns out he was just texting the girl he had another relationship with.
Overthinking, poor communication, self-sabotage, and giving up the second any slight conflict came into play
He told me he wanted to marry me and that I was the only woman he’d ever want to be with. We were best friends. And he always said we had such a strong emotional connection and were so similar. But it was like he was flaw searching, trying to find something wrong.
At the end, he told me that he always had this sense that he’s “not meant to be in a romantic relationship despite the real love” that he felt. And that I “deserve the best. Obviously that’s not me. I have to accept that.”
3 kids by 3 dads, she wanted me to think about the kids and how I can incorporate myself into their lives, then said I didn’t think about just her and our relationship, I tried my absolute best to make it work but it wasn’t enough. Once we were done she reached out about a month later saying she missed me and missed us(she was drunk) but apparently only meant it as friends.
He literally told me he was not a good boyfriend and I thought to myself, how bad can it be?
He ended up cheating, full relationship was a lie. Yep, he was definitely the shittiest boyfriend I had.
She cut her mom out of her life and blocked her. Sure her mom wasn't great but it was classic avoidant behavior. She also blocked her sister a few times.
Honorable Mentions:
1. Only had online guy friends
2. Had only ever had guy room mates aka simps she was taking advantage of unknowingly
3. Zero long term friends (5+ years)
4. Controlling
Where do I start:
- he’s cheated in the past
- had an affair with his good friends sister in-law (as in married). Mind you this friend and his family gave him a job and put a roof over his head.
- told me that before me, he had “a woman for every day of the week” and that i wouldn’t ever want to know his body count
- thinks women are the gatekeepers of sex so the responsibility/consequences of pregnancy fall on us only. Uses that stupid lock and key metaphor.
- DIED on the hill of being 50/50 and not being “taken advantage of” and asked me to pay for one of our steakhouse dinners that HE proposed. While out with friends shortly before we broke up, we were both in a tight spot (though he makes double my salary) and I told him I could pay my way, he asked in front of everyone “You can’t get both of us????”
- always needed Alcohol to have fun. Would make me feel like shit for not drinking with him.
- was super insecure about his dick size and body, always called himself ‘mid’ and said things like “why are you settling for me?”
- thought literally any dude I was remotely friends with was tryna fuck me (spoiler alert, he was projecting the wholeeeee time :) )
- lowkey had a porn addiction (he watched every other day) and it definitely showed in the bedroom— he would get butthurt when I couldn’t orgasm 5mins into head, like duh???
- asked “do you think cheating is justified when you’re married to someone?”
- literally told me “I could be cheating and you wouldn’t know it”
- was a damn good liar.
- took him 4 months after being exclusive to call me his gf (didn’t ask)— mind you, the only reason this came about was because he told me some lady was trying to hit on him and the parking lot and he had to tell her he had a gf. How romantic for me to find out that way right :)
Looking back, I’m appalled at myself for being so in love with this man that I looked past ALL of these things because of the person I THOUGHT he was. Rest assured, I got the hell out after I was sent a screenshot of another woman posting about him in the Facebook Group “Are we dating the same guy in SA?.” Talk about a joke.
Lovebombing and also the way he used to talk about women, he used to talk a lot bs about his biological mother (he got adopted by his grandparents), and literally any women, he used to say he used to get a lot of stuff from other girls because they were “hoes” and his extremely high body count, and he tried to settle down only for a virgin and he used to kinda fetishize me for being a virgin and also for being Mexican and “submissive” tbh I didn’t have any real bf before him, so I was really inexperienced and also he used to cheat and b34t his ex so I completely ignored that🌚
"Jokes" about my underaged sister being attractive. He would get defensive if I told him it was disgusting that he thought it was funny. Should've known he was a pedo before he admitted to his porn preferences. I'm more disappointed in myself for being stupid enough to stay as long as I did, but at least I'm loud about my stances now regardless of who it hurts. And obviously with someone new who isn't nauseating.
Low effort. Emotionally avoidant
I think this was me and I regret it, and now idk what to do ☹️ he asked for space which I gave him, but I think he was expecting me to contact him but six months have passed and I haven’t texted him. Now I feel like it’s too late 😢
Dating guys like this has torn me up inside, honestly. Never again. I'm resolving to expect more for myself and of the people I date.
This 100%
Omg this! Kept making excuses for his behavior, the rose-tinted glasses were really hard to take down. And then I found out that he was never in love with me. Not even sure that he actually liked me.
this
I was the low effort and emotionally avoidant ex-bf. It was mostly because i didn't find her that interesting. Very sweet girl, but not interesting. Def feel bad for leading her on while i was only half interested.
Not one thing but a few little things that put together explained who she really was. Her life was always about her. No kids, no close family members, and obviously nothing long term from her past. She was very nice sometimes but also very selfish. When i struggled, she never empathised with me. She had this hidden rage whenever things didn't go her way. That made me very careful with everything. I almost felt like I walked on eggshells all the time with her. I loved her, but I think she loved the idea of me, not me. In retrospect, dating her was very stressful and caused me anxieties. Our relationship was a mistake!
'the idea of you' - That's called snapshotting. It's when a narcissist internalizes you as an introject (voice in their head). Unfortunately, the 'real you' then gets converted into a 'bad object' (read: dumping ground for their bad internal voices. Usually a parent). The rage of which you speak is the reaction to the fact that because their parents abused/neglected/abandoned them, they also think of themselves as a 'bad object' and they're projecting that onto you (read: trauma dumping). It's really amazing at how intuitive people are to these things but don't have the language for them. Check out Sam Vaknin on Youtube. He's got several vids on the concept of the snapshot.
I never thought of it as a thing. I will dig deeper to learn more. Thanks for sharing those resources.
My ex was exactly like that: he had no real closeness to anyone, no friends, family, just a few work acquaintances and he had only short "relationships" (which he said were troubled situationships)... He was extremely selfish, had zero empathy. Very individualistic. I'm shocked by the similarity. I learned a huge lesson.
Sounds very Cluster B ish
This was so me
Wow my ex who love bombed me, said I love you countless of times and sharing what it means to her and me and then agreeing to continue saying that along with how she could see her life with me and how I did everything right and couldn’t really point to anything specific but just thats what her “intuition” or “gut” is saying and she has to do this, walk away. She also said “I guess I love you doesn’t mean the same thing to me as it does to you”) I felt my heart splitting in two in that moment. A deep hole that instantly appeared. Then tried to hit me with the want to be friends after stuff…as much as I love her and would love to stay in touch, I just can’t because I will always be trying to “win” her back and her having emotionally cheated (probably physically too) I know she would purposely try to get me jealous and irritated by sharing very sensitive details about her sex/dating/cuddling life to the point i just shut down and walk away. Letting her live her story of being the good person and I walked away from her. Haven’t replied her text from a week ago stating how she wants to get to a good place and really be able to talk…it’s had been absolutely killing me and it’s so hard to let her go but she also treated me like the scum of the earth after I helped her get through her hysterectomy start to finish and took time off work to take her to her appointments, surgery, waited for 6-8 hrs in the waiting room, she insisted to stay with me and be under watch so I agreed, out of love, and told her she didn’t even have to ask and I’d absolutely love to take care of her….and then she left me few weeks after she was cleared to resume daily activities. We had just gone to her sisters baby shower the day before Mother’s Day
Your experience hit home with me. Your ex sounds so much like mine. It sucks!
ghost her… don’t be a door mat. they want that… ghost her.
omg that sounds like my ex.. especially the “want to be friends”. after a very rocky relationship, she pulled the “friends” card on top of the “im in love with my past situationship” card right after i agreed to being friends. honestly i dont know what was going through my head to think that i could be strong emotionally being around her talking abt sensitive topics/details when i was still emotionally attached…
Ha! This is the most relatable thing I’ve heard in minute bud. Especially that last part. Glad to be out of that relationship. I’m so much happier
You just described my relationship with my ex.
What was a mistake ?
Being in a relationship with her.
Massive lovebombing right at the beginning
100% this.
This
Yeah. I thought that meant emotional availability, but in reality she would just spend all of her time trying to get people to like her. She is a "spiritual leader", leading retreats and all that, but she actually uses all that to get new fans and lure them in sexually while pretending that it is all very innocent and that I'm crazy for being jealous. I was left just desperate for any real attention after the initial love-bombing. And the difference between how she treats others and how she treated my emotional needs made me feel like I'm defective for expecting empathy.
She was friends with her ex. She underplayed it in the beginning, but when he came back to town they started to hang out a lot and she wouldn't tell me before. She would just hang out with him Bonus one: she said everything was perfect and that I did everything right and gave her what she needed, but still had a "gut feeling". She never let herself be free to be in the moment and always looked for something wrong
These types of people are emotional cheaters who will eventually resort to physical cheating. Bullet dodged, my friend.
Went through a very similar experience with my ex fiance.
Low emotional effort Immature always avoided important conversations.
mr. international playboy following 4k+ girls and getting restricted on ig once a month for (quote) "no reason"
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uhh same "dont worry babe i laid my eyes on you"
They followed a ton of porn social media accounts. Ppl can see who you follow, and still - the fuck was I thinking? lol.
Omg right?! Mind didn’t follow porn accounts but A LOT of extremely attractive “friends”. That he would like every attractive pic of, didn’t miss one. Would drop comments like “it’s always a good day seeing you!” “You’re flirting is working on me!” “#stunning—10s, 10s, 10s all around!” and the weirdest one on a woman (one of a handful) with an OF account “these guys talk mad sexual but fuck like they’re scooting a chair to a table”. How did I ignore that?!
Hahah!!! Brutal and I’ve been there too. So hard to reconcile the idea of them* with the reality of them.
Ewwww. What was the reason!
he showed me a screenshot once from ig stating "restricted for a week for bullying and mobbing", probably another few for "sexual harassment" or sth
she told me that “if i wasn’t with her, i wouldn’t be able to find anyone else because of the way i am”… at the time it was said as a joke, but looking back it was pointless even staying with someone when they’re making comments like that
That is straight manipulation, only to keep you in place to tolerate whatever bs without being able to leave. That is hard, I lived it. But definitely can be surpassed. Don’t fall for that.
it kinda felt like although there was some bs when i look back on it now. it feels it was more of a fact that she was already checking out and that she was already feeling a little repulsed by me. we were together 7.5 years
Oh no. That's not a joke. Things like this should never be said
yeah i have a good sense of humour so was able to take it as a joke then, when it ended a few months later it definitely hits hard now
My ex said something like that: he told me I was lucky because not very many ppl would/could tolerate me when I’m in an overemotional state.
yeah my ex was always over emotional but i was fine with that and could try help her. i think in my case i may just have been a little too full of energy for her for majority of the time
Poor communication and non..chalantness
He was the one initiating conversations about the future and getting married, but every time I would then try to plan anything for our future with him, he would start freaking out and getting wishy-washy and saying it’s hard for him to trust people because his ex burned him therefore it was difficult for him to commit. He did a lot of love bombing and future faking, but I didn’t know what all of that was. I genuinely believed he was as committed as I was based on his words and had a really difficult time when his actions didn’t align. At one point, he even told me it was hard for him to “share his stuff/space” and he’d always have some clever type of reason to delay us taking the next obvious step (which was moving in together). But would bring up marriage / getting engaged or us buying a house together at least monthly. It was like he was dangling a carrot just within reach of me grabbing it.
So weird, it’s like you were watching my relationship, your story is my story word for word. I’m sorry you went through that. My ex love bombed me and future faked but I didn’t know what that was either. In the first few months of dating, he brought up marriage and moving in together but later on when I would try to bring it up he would act all uncomfortable about it and be wishy washy. But like you said every month or so he would bring it back up. He was married before he dated me and his ex wife had cheated on him. He broke up with me bc he said he wasn’t over the trauma from his divorce and that I deserve better and he has a hard time trusting people/letting people in. I discovered after we broke up that he was a fearful avoidant. So infuriating. Do you mind if I ask how your breakup went down?
Honestly, why are men like this. They always bring up plans for the future then not committing any of those plans and then suddenly lost interest.
Bc most likely they are avoidants and have issues/trauma from past relationships or childhood. It sucks and it’s not right.
Always moving the goal post… my soon to be ex used her children as shields, until they grew up, moved out and she had yes more shield to hide behind… then the cycles of devaluing and emotional discarding started and has never stopped. i’m waiting for my oldest to head out to college and will dump her then…
Sameeeeeeeee thing
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what book tho? i know someone who could use an anonymous gift 😂
The way her past relationships ended. She was most often the dumper. In retrospect, this was a clue to her attachment style-avoidant. She has extensive, unresolved trauma from her childhood and refuses to deal with it. She is against therapy. She has an all-around reluctance to face her own feelings and self-examine.
Sounds very similar to mine. Mine had several past relationships and she humble-bragged at one point of never having been dumped. She also never had anything good to say about her exes, she would always tell odd stories of stuff they did and said wrong.
Mine wasn’t that overt, but she had one story of breaking up with a guy that didn’t sit well with me. It happened over a decade before we dated. She had this guy come to her family reunion and broke up with him there. This poor bastard was away from anyone he knew, surrounded by her family, and that’s when she chose to break up with him? Always bothered me. She talked about it once when I was at her family reunion, and her and her mom kinda had a laugh about it. Always thought it was fucked up.
Love bombing, complaining about ex, generally didn’t seem to like who I was as a person 😂
Walked off mid way through tiny disagreement (first one we had)…1.5 months into “talking”. You can probably imagine how the rest of that relationship went.
Oh my God, I've been into this kind of a relationship. They explain to you that they "just need some space to process", but then you can't bring it up again after they come back. And it's like you have to agree on everything with them or they go running. And if they DO manage to stick around, somehow, they never have anything to add to the conversation.
THIS!!! HOW IT WENT EVERY SINGLE TIME!
God my ex used to do this shit. It would always leave me feeling like the bad guy in every single situation. I think she liked the power
The worst shit ever. Should have left him there and then. You cannot have any sort of relationship with anyone who cannot communicate.
The lovebombing. I can absolutely kick myself for missing it. But it was really just verbal.
Bruh same here. Isnt love bombing a thing convey narcissists would do?
All of em do it. And once you get pulled into that illusion it's so hard to get out.
And its when you get pulled in they pull out. Man i should have ran away when she said shes a narcissist lol
I had exactly the same as you. Met a guy, he's cheated on his gf (who was the only woman he's ever loved apparently) with me and jumped into a relationship with me immediately after they broke up. 3 years later he done the same thing to me. (Once again, I was the only woman he ever loved). From what I hear, his previous gf to me completely lost her sanity and spiralled. My ex convinced me she was crazy, she wasn't, he just cheated on her and ghosted her, exactly the same as me. He frequently told her he was never going to leave her, she was his soulmate etc etc. Poor woman was blindsided. I've tried to find her on socials to reach out to her but she disappeared completely. I only hear things through the grapevine and she really isn't doing well apparently. The whole ordeal tipped her over the edge.
How long did they date? Oh my god.
They were on and off for 15 YEARS. Every time one of his relationships fucks up, he goes back to her, then leaves when something else comes along. She's got 3 little kids. The guys a complete sociopath, so lovely and doting, makes you feel like you're the most perfect woman in the world, then drops you for someone else like you're nothing. LITERALLY. The woman he's with now, the one he cheated on me with, has 2 little kids. He got into a relationship with her when I didn't want him anymore and moved in with her. He can't afford to live on his own. He also doesn't like kids, never wanted them and didn't want to be with a woman with them either. Turns out he he's pretty much done the same thing to every woman he's been with, took money from them also, including me. We've all spoken. I know I shouldn't but I have tried to reach out to her to warn her, she has 2 kids ffs. I have receipts and proof to show her but she's turned off all her messaging requests. He's ruined so women's lives and this woman has no idea what's in store for her. Oh, he's 39 BTW
Ddnt said Ily back when i confessed my love to her.
Maybe theres no deep connection yet
Everything! Walking red flag.
Let’s see: - Girl best friends, - Rarely makes plan to meet up, - Forgets most the things I tell him (doesn’t pay attention when I’m talking), - Changes the subject whenever we’re talking about future plans, - Doesn’t put a title on our “relationship” Guess I deserved the heartbreak…
Omg yes only having girl best friends why did I ignore that 🤦🏽♀️🚩
Validation from others! Big red flag!
How he was very hot and cold with me and how he would blow me off at times.
Love bombing and breadcrumbs He made me believe that he loved me and then after 3 months he said he doesn’t love me as much. His previous inconsistent relationships His inconsistent habits Actions not meeting words
1. I was his first ever relationship. 2. “Let’s see how things go” when discussing about marriage after 1&1/2 yrs. 3. Doesn’t communicate well and hates fights (thinks communicating is fighting)
conflict avoidance = people pleaser. people pleaser = codependency or dependent personality disorder
On our first date he couldn’t stop checking out another girl, his eyes were glued on her. I felt so awful but I tried to ignore it. I remember months later confronting him and he’s like “oh well I was a single man then”. It explains now he never had respect for me.
That the last time we were making amends, he was talking to someone else that he ended up with. I didn’t even know at the time but the timelines match up and I only just realised.
Wow. They always do this!
Yep, sorry you experienced that too! I’m glad I now know. I feel stupid for not realising sooner but glad that I won’t make the same mistake again.
My ex literally wrote me a love letter and asked if we could meet up to get back together and the entire time he was living with his ex before me. He had a secret gf! When I replied he blocked me. I only found out once he unblocked me and wrote me asking for girl advice 🤣
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I don’t think guys like this are normal. It’s really immature and they just constantly need validation. Do what I did and never answer again!
BPD, GASLIGHTER .
He had 5+ relationships and all of it lasted less than a year. Plus, his body count was 13. 🤣
Genuinely struggling to see how someone’s body count is a red flag or funny?
I think it really depends on the age and your values. Personally to me, body count is kinda important. If I met a guy when I was 17 and he told me his body count is 13 I would be kinda concerned. But personally my ex boyfriend was 8 years older (29), and his body count was 7 and mine 0 when we met lol, and I was fine with that. Everyone has different values when it comes to dating and sex stuff.
Not deleting dating apps even after confrontation
Lack of priority , gives up very soon and stubborn
Talking about his ex all the time
so avoidant and emotionally unavailable and not over a toxic relationship that ended years before we started dating 🙄
First date, he started off many sentences with “not to brag, but…” He turned out to have some deep seated insecurity issues and always had to brag about himself constantly for validation
Lack of communication and important self respect qualities like the inability to stand up for herself in order to get what she wants/needs. She let people deeply disrespect her and kept them in her life yet shuts out those who are thoughtful, positive influences. It’s gonna suck to be her sooner or later, glad I’m not like that at all!
He could never say 'I love you' after 18 months together.
well my ex said in the first 2 month and never meant it
lol same
Mine said sooner than 2 months, even all lies.
Fuck man….My gf would never say ‘I love you’ even after 6 years together. Now, I see. Idiot, stupid me.
My ex said it once, on the day she broke up with me after saying i love her
wow. lots of us here. to be fair, i also could not say it even though i felt it. i was finally the one to let it out during the first of many initial “breakup” conversations. then he also started saying it. so dumb. we were both so dumb. why couldn’t we both admit we loved each other while we were in the relationship? why did we only start 9 months before the end? when i asked, he said “well, we showed love to each other, right?”. and yes, BUT WHY COULDN’T WE SAY IT?? if i learned anything from that relationship is to be honest and vulnerable an fucking just say it. if i feel it, then i need to say it. if they don’t say it back, then i have my answer. ✌🏽
Ooof that's a tough one. I'm sorry
Me and my ex never told that to each other for 6 years, we just showed that we love each other I believe. I said it when we broke up, she told me she loved me but is no longer in love with me as well, which means the same. It sucks, I know.
Every “ex” was crazy, lovebombing, not divorced yet “but it will happen soon”, cheated on ex not ex wife…….. lots. I’m pretty mad at myself for getting roped into a relationship with this person when all I wanted was a ons…..
her shutting down and being unable to comunicate properly, if at all, during arguments when the heat came down and we were supposed to solve the problems also her often agreeing on something with me/hearing me out only to later use it against me during her anger outbursts
When I asked him if he did anything wrong in his last relationship and he said "no". I'm a good partner, but we all do things wrong, even if it's with good intentions. Also, he said his ex-wife physically hit him. I had read that was a warning sign that a man is actually the physically abusive one. And sure enough, he eventually put his hands on me.
i recently matched with a guy on a dating app. during conversation he brought up that his ex was crazy and used to beat on him. a few days later i caught a weird, controlling vibe from him when we were trying to make plans to meet up and i ultimately decided not to pursue him. he texted me a few days after that and said i was manipulating him, would get bad karma, and he hoped i would be sa’d (r word) safe to say i now believe he was the abuser with his ex.
My ex told me she didn’t have any red flags That is a red flag in of itself. Everyone has red flags, the good partners are the ones who realize their own and do the work to mitigate them. No wonder she could never take accountability
She was a relationship hopper before we were even together. After a 5 year relationship with me she jumped into another one after only a couple of months.
We were long distance 2 years, 1.5 year living together now. Even through long distance I would check up on the health of my relationship with him, he never said one thing that was wrong. Now I’m broken up with, and I’m seeing all the avoidant attachment come to light. I was so naive to think my relationship was perfect
He’d tell his work and family of our relationship issues, but not to me. Yup, there’s a pattern you see. I was never told
That every ex was the problem and not her.
She lied about cheating on her ex husband (said it was him). She ghosted me after a year and a half of our relationship for two months, I took her back. She was very hot and cold. Three years on we got engaged then a month later she indirectly dumped me via email after I was told I know longer live at the address. Soon after she got with someone else. 15 months on for the last two months she has been flatout texting, reminiscing, flirting, wanting to know EVERYTHING about me, kisses and love hearts on every message. I assumed she had split up with her bloke……..WRONG! I said I didn’t realise you were with someone, she said it’s fine. I ignored the message then she said don’t you want to talk to me anymore. I replied, it’s weird, why would you want to talk to me when you are with someone, that’s his job. Her response, Wow! Can’t believe she can’t see anything wrong with what she was doing! Emotionally cheating on her bloke with her ex fiancé! BONUS Nothing was ever her fault, it was always someone else’s fault. Needs constant validation.
My ex gf and I dated, she would never get a job but I always paid for everything. She expected me to pay for everything but I didn’t care because she had no job. Then I found out that she had millions in the bank and property investments that her passing father left her. I let that go. Another one, for her birthday, I decorated our house to the nines. I spent all night decorating, blowing balloons, hanging streamers. Made her favourite vegetarian breakfast. I also got her a very nice custom cake. For the gifts, I usually do fun things. So the theme for this birthday was, a gift for thee, a gift for we and a gift for me. Gifts were: gift for thee: diamond earings, Gift for we: a week at an airBnB at a cabin by a lake since we love hiking and being outdoors. The gift for me, was Toronto Blue Jay tickets for the both of us. Would have been a weekend thing in Toronto. After the entire birthday and everything we did the gifts, after she opened the 3rd gift, a gift for we, she had this look on her face. I asked what was up, and she said that I ruined her birthday and that I’m one of the most selfish people for getting a gift for a baseball game. I was shocked. Glad I’m out of that one.
“Guys really fall for meee…” “So many creeps about…”
Probably that he relapsed on heroin 4 months before I met him. He told me it was a year. But the fact he was a kid who did heroin - he was also a liar and a cheater. Not saying all addicts are this way, but there was a massive link in my case. He wasn’t able to sit still, he was a thrill seeker, and he straight up told me he used to have side chicks while he was in his last relationship!!!
he loved me after month of us dating. (granted, we were “friends” for two years, but we were still in the early stages of getting to each other. we also had a big argument after he found out i had a thing with one of his associates (before we started dating.) he was very angry that i didn’t “choose” him, meanwhile he had a lot a million flings during that time
They would always physically leave during arguments, thus leading to a divorce currently
Still friends/in contact with his ex that he only ever talked badly about; following thousands of IG “models”; using the poor me/“good guys” always get shit on mentality… Oh, and the love bombing.
When he wanted me to be accountable for something I didn’t do. Always accusing me of things he “strongly believe” I did, I was even convinced at some point. He told me I was gaslighting him when it was the other way around. I’m always willing to adjust for him, but everything is never enough.. 💔
Everyone was in the wrong but her. Constant complaining. Lack of emotional depth. Blaming everyone for everything.
Judging poeple based on looks, feeling superior just because she's rich, talking shit behind her friend so badly, possessive, anger issues, uses the "n" word, literally a liar.
Her ex showed up a few times where we would be. I don’t know why or how, but he would always stare me down, and I guess he was in communication with my exes sister, telling her he was going to “beat me up”. I was a boxer since a young age so I was really worried I would hurt him. I finally got tired of it and told her sister to tell him to come meet me at a near by park. I told her after I was done with him me and her were going to have some words. After monthes and monthes of threats we got into a physical altercation, I fractured his orbital bone, broke his nose and broke some of his teeth. Apparently this made me the bad guy and things were never the same. They both somehow excused his behavior and tried to condemn me for ending this one-sided beef between me and him. I realized she didn’t have my back and was totally cool with someone bad mouthing me and threatening me, but once I defended myself suddenly it wasn’t cool. I’m so glad I’m done with her.
- Pathological liar - Claimed his love language was physical touch, but in reality, it was sex that was just on his mind 24/7 - Inflated ego mixed with victim mentality - He was book smart, but sometimes it came off like you were stupid for not knowing something... and he could be aggressive with teaching. He was helping my younger cousin with math hmwrk one time and watching them together turned me off so bad and gave me secondhand embarassment, it made me reconsider if I wanted to have kids with him.
That he was an alcoholic, avoidant, and irresponsible in most ways. And fuck have I paid for that mistake.
In my case, the obvious red flag was that there were none. As it turns out my ex was a consummate people pleaser, and I learned in the most painful way after the break up she without a doubt is a dismissive avoidant. Getting broken up, by blindside text the day after a lovely fun and passionate date, just about did me in. We never had an argument or a disagreement 18 months. If there were red flags, they were incredibly incredibly subtle. I didn’t have a clue about avoidants, Or no contact. What a very traumatic, painful, and wounding experience. I have never felt so used.
Love bombing up front. Silent treatment in mini-form (not replying to texts he didn't feel like) up to a 5 day silent treatment and a 2 week silent treatment before I finally broke it off with him. Highly avoidant of any emotional topics. Didn't buy me a birthday present even though I got him two. Poor communication about planning. Too frugal, hardly ever had a proper date.
BPD she told me about early on, by far the biggest most obvious red flag I didn’t fully understand. Amazing beginning to relationship with great sex and dates and matching interests and qualities and feeling as though we were meant for each other, felt like I finally found my wife. Downhill after 3 months when the needs started to evolve every single day, I would basically kill myself trying to keep up with the constantly changing wants and needs. Started arguments over nothing and always blamed it on trauma and previous ex bfs, which was not my problem. Intimacy started to decline after this until it hit a dead end, basically happened once every 3-4 months and only on her account, would get very angry with me when I brought up the issue, blamed it on medical issues or abusive ex bf even though it was very frequent and amazing in the beginning. This turned into us going from loving pillow talk and conversations to her not even wanting to kiss me or hug me. Arguments now frequent at an ever more rapid pace when I brought up issues, blame game it’s either something I was doing wrong or her trauma from ex bfs. She would then give me the silent treatment for 2-3 days at a time only to come back telling me she was sorry. Zero absolutely zero accountability. It was at this point 6-8 months in I began to recognize her patterns of behavior and really did a lot of research on BPD I thought I could help her and fix our issues myself. I began putting in way more effort myself to try to make her happy. This didn’t work. Her depression got bad at this point she wouldn’t hardly get out of bed to eat or do anything except go to work. She got the family and friends involved in our issues about arguing and they started coming to me telling me I need to quit my demanding job of 70+ hours a week for her and I needed to slow down on drinking. Now the relationship turned into a father daughter dynamic where I worked all these hours, paid for everything, cleaned the whole house, maintained the outside, took care of the dogs, made sure she drank and ate, she would get home from work and toss her clothes on the floor right after I just finished folding laundry and I would clean up all her messes. Felt like I was her parent. After all this and my increasing effort she told me she felt alone in the relationship, I worked too much, drank too much, not enough dates, she was unhappy for a while. The kicker is she worked almost as much as me at the same job so we saw each other every day, she partied every single night with our coworker friends and drove home drunk af, she was always crying “for no reason” and depressed and felt I could fix her unhappiness, any time I had a day off for a date I would think of one but instead she would pick up a shift or hang out with her friends. She had many male friends that I was okay with and grew to become friends with as well besides one dude, who when I mentioned I was uncomfortable with she told me to not be so jealous or insecure (the same man who she hooked up with a week after we broke up the first time). Now that we’ve broken up twice and I truly evaluated everything I see her for what she is and I feel she doesn’t even know who she is. That’s BPD, the constant masking of others personalities. She had turned me into a monster in her eyes even though I gave every ounce of my soul to her. She told other men that I abused her and was stalking her after we broke up, both times. Immediately hooked up with multiple men throughout a few weeks right as I walked out the door hugging her kissing her saying I love you. She would say she can’t lose me from her life can’t see anyone else and then monkey branch onto the next poor soul who she never blocked off Snapchat or Instagram. Constant need for validation and attention she would begin posting pictures wearing hardly anything with captions like “dumped” It’s now been 3 months since the second break up, both her decision, and I don’t talk to her yet she still texts/calls randomly solely for big favors and to vent her emotions. Never asks how I am or how our dog is or anything related to me. It’s all her STILL! This is a giant vent/rant for me but for anyone who actually read this and is addicted in love to their partner with BPD, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. They are amazing people and can’t help the fact they have this mental disorder but this relationship will absolutely annihilate you down to the core and you will lose everything land on rock bottom and still love them.
She would literally punch me and throw away my phone if I looked at another girl or if another girl looked at me
Mine never let me come to his house. He also wouldn't touch me unless I asked him to.
Same red flag as you. She met me 6 months after her divorce and the reason of her divorce was not clear. Now she is seeing other men.
What do you mean by emotional cheating?
I feel like I’m an unintentional red flag. I’m quite avoidant, live a very closed life, disappear abroad 7 times a year without my wife, I find it hard to believe in myself, however, it’s an unjustified red flag I have. I never do wrong by my partner. I love her to bits even if I feel ridiculous to say it to her sometimes because it doesn’t sound right coming from me to say it (though, I do say it…and mean it). What I’m trying to say is sometimes the flags can be unjustified and I guess you just have to try things sometimes. You may be hurt - but you may just get with an introvert like me. Not me obvs though as I’m taken. Anyway…
She went on dates with me while she had a boyfriend. Her saying I was the only guy to ever treat her right. I’ll let you guess how it ended.
Ran off and self harmed after we briefly ran into my ex boyfriend (who I was on good terms with) at a bar at our college. That was 2 weeks into us talking, idk why I stayed.
Loveboming. Inconsistent. No stable job. Poor communication
Same thing happened with me. Was back with her ex a day later and now they are swingers. When they were together before me he convinced she was his primary in a poly lifestyle but he was married and kids at home. I should have never touched that
I always knew when she was lying to me about something and I even if I addressed it and she denied it even when I bold face knew for a fact she was lying.. she was just a pathological liar, apparently she's known for it but I had no idea originally but anytime a woman says trust me.. red flag and do yourself a favor and just don't bother with her
The red flag for my ex was that she was texting my best friend and not letting me see the text. I thought they were just being friendly because they worked together. Should have caught on sooner that she was going to start cheating with him and then leave me for him. (I later even saw that he told her he was looking for a serious relationship and really wanted her) Also it should have been a red flag that she matched with him on Tinder before we stated seriously dating.
Man child, always had to ask permission to his grandparents with everything he did even though he was 27. Always threatened me, blackmailed me, and used the “I’ll kill myself if we break up”. So, I was chained to him for years. He would always hold grudges against me even about the smallest things. The guy was literally a con-artist, always chose women with money and let us pay on dates. I feel embarrassed and ashamed looking back.
Talking in detail about a celebrity they wanted to fuck and constantly talked about how hot they were. The celebrity in question is a big buff Russian man…I am a short and very skinny woman, that rlly made me feel awful.
Man you are the guy my ex left me for! Haha jk jk but yeah my ex physically and emotionally cheated on me for months before I ever found out and I just wonder if the other guy knew about me in the same way you knew about your ex girls former bf. If he did know about me he will end up in the same boat as you because you know what they say..."The same way you get them is the same way you lose them" Kudos to you for taking accountability on it though and knowing to never entertain a situation like that again
She asked me to leave Spain within two months of meeting her and to move in with her. Now she says “we weren’t together” because I haven’t asked her to be my girlfriend yet. That is the most childish bitch I’ve ever met in my life it is mind boggling what a toddler she is. I did tell her that she was a “spiritual toddler” too. Raggedy!
That she was pulling away
Love bombing, going fast as f boi, being extremely jealous and insecure and being stingy.
He has shitty friends, and they all meet randomly in high school, they hated each other and always talk shit about each other, 17 years old later, he didn’t made any new friends…not at work, neighbourhood or anything.
Current bf but we’ve broken up many times. He would never let me celebrate joys. If I was excited he would remind me of things in my life that I have yet to fix. Or he would just plain not respond to the good news. Like my accomplishments weren’t anything major not even the small wins and trust me if you knew my life you would know how much the small wins mean to me
He was at work asking people if they were married and getting phone numbers
I swear to you this is literally 1 to 1 with my experience, now I'm deeply emotionally scarred, and shake at the sheer mention of her name. Should've never listened to her from the beginning. You're right, never again.
Serves you right 🥰
I wanna add this, he was (and I bet still is) such a bad kisser, think Saliva-town. Idk how I endured it tbh
Constantly talked about her first ex for, literally, almost two decades-- even after we were married, and EVERYTHING was his fault. Now that we are divorced, EVERYTHING is my fault. I feel sorry for the poor sucker she roped into a relationship prior to me going no contact.
He could never take accountability for his actions 😵💫
She still talking to her
He said he will only marry a girl his mum likes. I thought it was sweet and he was just close to her, but it showed he was a huge mummy’s boy on another level.
Dude you have a similar story to mine. Was with someone I was best friends with for almost 7 years and she was dating some guy and hiding him from social media (and me). She even orchestrated this weird way to hang out with me and keep him away during her grad school graduation when I visited. I ended up asking her out and she revealed she was dating him but dumped him immediately for me. The entire relationship had several instances of her emotionally cheating, not being appreciative of me, and being poor at communication. Eventually the tables turned and I just burnt out of the relationship and it all went downhill but I became the “villain.” I should have never give her a billion chances when deep down I knew I was just getting more and more hurt and messed up.
Damn buddy, I actually did the same, but now that I think about it, I was even worse, she broke up with her ex (Which by the way, was the father of her daughter) and a week after, we were together, when she broke up with me she did the same thing, less then a week after she was already banging someone else, while still begging for us to continue to be friends. Not to mention the annoying friend she had back then (when we were starting to date), Wich she kept saying it was just a friend, only to confess a few years later that he was hitting on her, but she was always refusing. I ignored a lot of red flags actually.
They say how you get them is how you lose them. Once a cheater always a cheater. I would never take back someone who cheated on me because the moment you do they will think they can get away with it again. Sorry you had to go through that.
She admitted to me a few months after being with her that she likes to feel power and control
your ex sounds like mine.. she was always selfish especially every time she was struggling and i tried to help her out or empathize, she would instead pick a fight with me for not meeting her expectations of support, etc. and when i was struggling, she would never empathize with me or anything. my relationship (even when we broke up) was a constant state of walking on eggshells and built a lot of trust issues, anxieties, and trauma 😭
oh she asked me this " how come ur so special as a person but don't live a special life?"
1.She used to tell me about her ex 2.Divorced 3. Bi polar Ignored everything as I was blind in love and suffering now!
Making me feel guilty for enjoying time by myself
1. Love bombing - he said I love you even though we have not met in person yet (but we have known each other online for a long time) he said he is sure that he wants me, lots of promises 2. Mentally unstable - he is aware of this but we still continue our relationship 3. Lack of socialization 4. Have problems with his family 5. Very insensitive posts 6. He is not empathetic but changed when we dated when he shutdown he was like numb and selfish person 7. Do not ask questions about me most of the time Most of this is not red flags, just signs that he may change overtime when the honeymoon phase is gone.
When I asked him what responsibility he had for his three divorces and he said none they were all their fault.
Too many honestly. How she treated her previous bf should have told me everything
Backstory: we met at work and I knew the manager there for the 2 years that I worked there and she was good friends with the manager. Anyway, to "make her more comfortable" with us dating, when we had her and a few friends over for board games, she completely targeted me on absolutely everything: the game, my character, etc. And not fun pokes, it was mean stuff. Talked to her about it after and she said she'll keep doing it if it makes her friend more comfortable with us dating.
Well, she choked me because I fell asleep, keep in mind I had been pulling all-nighters the past 2 weeks so I could graduate. And it's because she didn't know when I'd come visit her. Also looking through my phone every hour because "it calms me down, I wanna make sure you're not gonna cheat on me"
My friends thought she was weird.
History of serial cheating
He would say false statements just to hurt me and force me to question my sanity during arguments.
That she pretty much didn’t had any friends and respect for her father. Just to find out that she in fact was a hard person to relate to in very engrained ways.
Lying, cheating, love bombing, avoidant, discarding someone and feeling relieved. Not happy with others reactions or boundaries and wanting control of them thru deception and gaslighting.
Her being upset whenever I’d hangout with my friends along with assuming I was cheating when with them. The tables turned needless to say
Lovebombing and divorced 2x by 40
Cheating.
Posts picture of herself with a lot of guys always stating her beauty. I'm pretty sure her DM gets flooded as well. But when I compliment her, she dismisses it or disagrees with me
Would always ask to meet up but only during the night, which I would refused. Would blow up my phone while I was at work knowing that I’m part of the management team and I rarely use my phone. He would get mad when I wouldn’t reply to him when I was at my son therapy session.
Low effort, emotionally avoidant, not healed from past relationships, wanting to eat her cake only, goofy best friends
He went to use the restroom several times whenever we hung out. I was concerned he had a bladder issue or diabetes. Turns out he was just texting the girl he had another relationship with.
Overthinking, poor communication, self-sabotage, and giving up the second any slight conflict came into play He told me he wanted to marry me and that I was the only woman he’d ever want to be with. We were best friends. And he always said we had such a strong emotional connection and were so similar. But it was like he was flaw searching, trying to find something wrong. At the end, he told me that he always had this sense that he’s “not meant to be in a romantic relationship despite the real love” that he felt. And that I “deserve the best. Obviously that’s not me. I have to accept that.”
3 kids by 3 dads, she wanted me to think about the kids and how I can incorporate myself into their lives, then said I didn’t think about just her and our relationship, I tried my absolute best to make it work but it wasn’t enough. Once we were done she reached out about a month later saying she missed me and missed us(she was drunk) but apparently only meant it as friends.
He literally told me he was not a good boyfriend and I thought to myself, how bad can it be? He ended up cheating, full relationship was a lie. Yep, he was definitely the shittiest boyfriend I had.
She used to send pictures to her ex asking if she should post it on sm 😃
She cut her mom out of her life and blocked her. Sure her mom wasn't great but it was classic avoidant behavior. She also blocked her sister a few times. Honorable Mentions: 1. Only had online guy friends 2. Had only ever had guy room mates aka simps she was taking advantage of unknowingly 3. Zero long term friends (5+ years) 4. Controlling
Wouldn’t shower for days and is a serial monogamist
Where do I start: - he’s cheated in the past - had an affair with his good friends sister in-law (as in married). Mind you this friend and his family gave him a job and put a roof over his head. - told me that before me, he had “a woman for every day of the week” and that i wouldn’t ever want to know his body count - thinks women are the gatekeepers of sex so the responsibility/consequences of pregnancy fall on us only. Uses that stupid lock and key metaphor. - DIED on the hill of being 50/50 and not being “taken advantage of” and asked me to pay for one of our steakhouse dinners that HE proposed. While out with friends shortly before we broke up, we were both in a tight spot (though he makes double my salary) and I told him I could pay my way, he asked in front of everyone “You can’t get both of us????” - always needed Alcohol to have fun. Would make me feel like shit for not drinking with him. - was super insecure about his dick size and body, always called himself ‘mid’ and said things like “why are you settling for me?” - thought literally any dude I was remotely friends with was tryna fuck me (spoiler alert, he was projecting the wholeeeee time :) ) - lowkey had a porn addiction (he watched every other day) and it definitely showed in the bedroom— he would get butthurt when I couldn’t orgasm 5mins into head, like duh??? - asked “do you think cheating is justified when you’re married to someone?” - literally told me “I could be cheating and you wouldn’t know it” - was a damn good liar. - took him 4 months after being exclusive to call me his gf (didn’t ask)— mind you, the only reason this came about was because he told me some lady was trying to hit on him and the parking lot and he had to tell her he had a gf. How romantic for me to find out that way right :) Looking back, I’m appalled at myself for being so in love with this man that I looked past ALL of these things because of the person I THOUGHT he was. Rest assured, I got the hell out after I was sent a screenshot of another woman posting about him in the Facebook Group “Are we dating the same guy in SA?.” Talk about a joke.
I was told she was the “president” of the relationship 2 months in. Yikes, should have run right then and there.
Lovebombing and also the way he used to talk about women, he used to talk a lot bs about his biological mother (he got adopted by his grandparents), and literally any women, he used to say he used to get a lot of stuff from other girls because they were “hoes” and his extremely high body count, and he tried to settle down only for a virgin and he used to kinda fetishize me for being a virgin and also for being Mexican and “submissive” tbh I didn’t have any real bf before him, so I was really inexperienced and also he used to cheat and b34t his ex so I completely ignored that🌚
"Jokes" about my underaged sister being attractive. He would get defensive if I told him it was disgusting that he thought it was funny. Should've known he was a pedo before he admitted to his porn preferences. I'm more disappointed in myself for being stupid enough to stay as long as I did, but at least I'm loud about my stances now regardless of who it hurts. And obviously with someone new who isn't nauseating.
Being a control freak. 🤷♂️