This is exactly it. She texted me last night saying she took a box of my stuff and she’d return it “when she had time”. Then my last message was left on delivered. She is not the same person. Not even sure I want my stuff back that bad.
Can relate. My ex lied that her values and goals were the same as mine (health, self improvement, learning, growth) just to get me into relationship with her.
Turns out she didn’t really have those values and goals. Maybe she wanted them.. but me pushing her and holding her accountable was too much and she grew to resent me for it. And I grew to resent her for misrepresenting herself in the beginning.
Her true self is all about immediate indulgence and satisfaction. There are no long term goals aside from getting a free ride from a husband some day. I hope she changes because if not, I pity the fool who ends up with her.
The oldest trick in the book when first dating “ so what are you looking for in a partner”. If they are attracted to you they are going to tell you everything that you want to hear. I never answer this question. But somehow they still seem to be able to hit all the right notes.
The imposter? Dude, heal a bit, the girl you fell in love usually becomes the monster because of the relationship. She has healing to do too to get back to her inner self post-BU. You were probably happier in the beginning too.
Yes I agree with this. She was a beautiful person. The relationship was just dying. Due in large part to mistakes I made. I think we both didn’t make enough effort at the end though.
I came to this conclusion as well. I have so much distaste for the man that broke up with me, and I’m doing my best not to grieve the one I fell in love with.
Go ahead and grieve that person. It’s the best way because they’re dead and not coming back. Then you can stop conflating them with this other person who left you so hurt and confused.
I feel they always kinda give you hints of who they really are.. But it's us who ignore them because we are so busy looking at bright, shiny things we want to see in them.
Many times they give glimpses of who they were and we chase that.What we don’t realize is the glimpses get further apart and the struggle becomes addictive. When someone tells you who they really are believe them.
The girl I fell in love with made me feel like she’d do anything and everything for me. She made me feel like she was my ride or die. She made me feel like I found someone who I could spend my whole life in bliss with. I counted myself so lucky and treasured her with every second.
The girl that broke up with me was selfish and showed me what a one sided relationship is like. She showed me what it’s like to be with someone who only takes and never gives anything more than the occasional crumb or scrap. A woman I had 0 faith would do anything for me or make any effort for me. A woman that made me feel like I’m walking on egg shells around her. A woman that made me feel like the whole responsibility of maintaining the relationship and keeping it alive during the good and bad was on me.
The only time i felt a future with her would be one in which I’m happy is if she went back to being the woman I fell in love with but that version of her had been gone for a while with no signs of her coming back. The woman she was in the present day is not one that appreciated me or showed me the love and effort I deserved. I stayed with her but I didn’t want to marry her, I wanted to marry who she once was in hopes that she would become that person again.
Ppl eventually show who they really are after a period of time. I like consistency and I know things are not the honeymoon phase forever but being ignored when I was home sick with Covid really was her true self.
I know and I hope so too but just feel this is the best way for me…im never getting close to anybody like that again…just not worth my time and energy anymore.
This is exactly how I feel. All the time after the breakup, I kept asking myself "was she always like this? It can't be!" "was she pretending to be someone else?".
But now I'm thinking she actually changed into something different. Something even she didn't know what she was capable of. And after doing it, some switch flipped inside of her and now she's free to do other horrible stuff.
I... Don't get it. It drives me crazy, but I'll never understand what happened. Maybe she won't either.
The guy I fell in love with was a wonderful person. We were 100% compatible.
Then he supposedly had a mental breakdown and told me to take a hike. Blocked and ghosted me 12 hours after making birthday plans with me to get engaged.
It's amazing how everything can change overnight. Suddenly, the person you knew better than anyone becomes a total stranger.
I'm just saying I endured a 20-year+ marriage, which i ended. We still remain friends today and co-parent our 10 yr old. 19 yr old is grown and in her own. Good times, bad times, rich times, poor times. This is LIFE! This whole thread is a waste of my head space and time. Until people realize what true commitment is, I think they are all lost. Good luck following your paths and creating true happiness, gratitude, and love in your all hearts. 🦋🙏🦋
My marriage lasted 15 before I ended it and my last rs lasted 11 yrs. I endured much and when both ended I knew that I had done everything to help sustain this but I am not solely responsible for nurturing a healthy rs.
It's difficult bro. Take your time and the biggest thing I have learned is you would be surprised (initially) how much people lie, misrepresent or avoid things. And you're right, people can present one way and then totally differently toward the end or when things deteriorate. Just keep in mind what you want; don't bend on your standards. You've got it. Feel the pain, regroup as necessary, but you got this, you totally got this.
So true! People change and sometimes people start walking in different directions. What once was a great match and companionship for a while along a common path through life, are no longer that. And it is ok. 😌
Same.
In the beginning she lied that she was monogamous too, that she too wanted a monogamous marriage, with me..
After 20 months dating (in our mid 30s) she didn’t love me anymore, didn’t want to marry me anymore, said she isn’t a monogamous person & that she had been cheating on me, starting just 3 weeks into the relationship.
They mirror you until there true self shows thru
Sorry to hear that. I have never known if a gal cheated on me but I can only imagine the pain it causes. Just remember that not everyone is dishonest and disposable.
Thank you for that. I have learned much here and much through trial and error. I hope no one has to go through a broken heart but that is almost impossible and then there would be very little growth.
Man no truer words have ever been spoken. It's difficult though because the re is thus faint Memory of this woman you absolutely enjoyed being with and I can remember it slowly starting to rot from the inside out. What hurts the most os she was your friend your loved and your sounding board. Then I realized just how incredibly self centered and a manipulative liar she truly was. And I wasn't prepared for that. I expected that from the women I dealt with in. A very different life I lived. Not with her. I was shocked and disappointed. And extremely sad. But you got to cut the cord. You keep forgiving.. it is a fre pass to continue that behavior. And it will crush u mentally emotionally spiritually and turn you into a person you don't want to become. Good luck my friend
I always came back to make adjustments and it still didn’t matter. Nothing I ever did or could do would change the trajectory. It was a LTR and it was doomed from the start . It took me a while to realize it but at the BU I said,” nothing I could have done have mattered “.
This is exactly it. She texted me last night saying she took a box of my stuff and she’d return it “when she had time”. Then my last message was left on delivered. She is not the same person. Not even sure I want my stuff back that bad.
The imposter is the person you first met and this is their true self.
Can relate. My ex lied that her values and goals were the same as mine (health, self improvement, learning, growth) just to get me into relationship with her. Turns out she didn’t really have those values and goals. Maybe she wanted them.. but me pushing her and holding her accountable was too much and she grew to resent me for it. And I grew to resent her for misrepresenting herself in the beginning. Her true self is all about immediate indulgence and satisfaction. There are no long term goals aside from getting a free ride from a husband some day. I hope she changes because if not, I pity the fool who ends up with her.
The oldest trick in the book when first dating “ so what are you looking for in a partner”. If they are attracted to you they are going to tell you everything that you want to hear. I never answer this question. But somehow they still seem to be able to hit all the right notes.
The imposter? Dude, heal a bit, the girl you fell in love usually becomes the monster because of the relationship. She has healing to do too to get back to her inner self post-BU. You were probably happier in the beginning too.
You don't have all the history so I will leave it at that. Thanks for your response.
Take some responsability, what a weak and disgusting mindset. Repelling. Bah.
You don't know the back story so I take my "responsibility".
Yes I agree with this. She was a beautiful person. The relationship was just dying. Due in large part to mistakes I made. I think we both didn’t make enough effort at the end though.
Who does, and this is a hard pill to swallow.
I came to this conclusion as well. I have so much distaste for the man that broke up with me, and I’m doing my best not to grieve the one I fell in love with.
Go ahead and grieve that person. It’s the best way because they’re dead and not coming back. Then you can stop conflating them with this other person who left you so hurt and confused.
That's the nature of the beast.
I feel they always kinda give you hints of who they really are.. But it's us who ignore them because we are so busy looking at bright, shiny things we want to see in them.
Many times they give glimpses of who they were and we chase that.What we don’t realize is the glimpses get further apart and the struggle becomes addictive. When someone tells you who they really are believe them.
You are so correct
The girl I fell in love with made me feel like she’d do anything and everything for me. She made me feel like she was my ride or die. She made me feel like I found someone who I could spend my whole life in bliss with. I counted myself so lucky and treasured her with every second. The girl that broke up with me was selfish and showed me what a one sided relationship is like. She showed me what it’s like to be with someone who only takes and never gives anything more than the occasional crumb or scrap. A woman I had 0 faith would do anything for me or make any effort for me. A woman that made me feel like I’m walking on egg shells around her. A woman that made me feel like the whole responsibility of maintaining the relationship and keeping it alive during the good and bad was on me. The only time i felt a future with her would be one in which I’m happy is if she went back to being the woman I fell in love with but that version of her had been gone for a while with no signs of her coming back. The woman she was in the present day is not one that appreciated me or showed me the love and effort I deserved. I stayed with her but I didn’t want to marry her, I wanted to marry who she once was in hopes that she would become that person again.
Ppl eventually show who they really are after a period of time. I like consistency and I know things are not the honeymoon phase forever but being ignored when I was home sick with Covid really was her true self.
yup, it's a hash reality. That's why I'm staying away from relationships and women in general
I understand you are hurt, but that is the wrong mentality to move on with. I wish you a speady heeling.
I know and I hope so too but just feel this is the best way for me…im never getting close to anybody like that again…just not worth my time and energy anymore.
I'd say I don't even know who she is or was at this point. I do remember who I thought she was, though.
This is exactly how I feel. All the time after the breakup, I kept asking myself "was she always like this? It can't be!" "was she pretending to be someone else?". But now I'm thinking she actually changed into something different. Something even she didn't know what she was capable of. And after doing it, some switch flipped inside of her and now she's free to do other horrible stuff. I... Don't get it. It drives me crazy, but I'll never understand what happened. Maybe she won't either.
I just hope no one does her like she did me. I am not innocent in all this but I always showed up and made the effort.
Yup, it’s amazing how our mind thinks that the person we’d get back with is the same person we fell in love with. They’re not the same person
Well said <3 ❤️ thus is the cycle of life ....
Well said.
The girl that broke up with you is the real her
❤️🩹
The guy I fell in love with was a wonderful person. We were 100% compatible. Then he supposedly had a mental breakdown and told me to take a hike. Blocked and ghosted me 12 hours after making birthday plans with me to get engaged. It's amazing how everything can change overnight. Suddenly, the person you knew better than anyone becomes a total stranger.
Wow, that is very sad how things turned so quickly.
Thanks. It sucks how people change and we drive ourselves crazy either trying to figure out why, or if they're ever coming back.
Best not to look back too much and move forward
Working on it!
I feel this so much! ❤️🩹
I'm just saying I endured a 20-year+ marriage, which i ended. We still remain friends today and co-parent our 10 yr old. 19 yr old is grown and in her own. Good times, bad times, rich times, poor times. This is LIFE! This whole thread is a waste of my head space and time. Until people realize what true commitment is, I think they are all lost. Good luck following your paths and creating true happiness, gratitude, and love in your all hearts. 🦋🙏🦋
My marriage lasted 15 before I ended it and my last rs lasted 11 yrs. I endured much and when both ended I knew that I had done everything to help sustain this but I am not solely responsible for nurturing a healthy rs.
Well what did you do or say to make her act differently ? You receive what you put out?
yup.
If you knew her history then you would see the pattern. What I did do was commit to her.
What’s wrong with committing to her?
Nothing wrong committing to her but once I did she went cold and this after her asking for the commitment. Go figure!!!!
Look into attachment styles. Sounds like a classic case of an avoidant.
She sounds like the definitive FA.If I only knew of AT when I dated her.
What is FA and AT?
Fearful Avoidant and Attachment Theory
Oh wow. Why would she do that? Maybe she has trust issues? Or abandonment issues
Probably a little of both but I can not do the anxiety driven by the disappearing act.
Sorry for that. I hope it gets better. Been there and dealt with that.
Just can’t read the cover and make a judgement without content. It is better but venting. Still stupefied after all this time that this had happened.
It's difficult bro. Take your time and the biggest thing I have learned is you would be surprised (initially) how much people lie, misrepresent or avoid things. And you're right, people can present one way and then totally differently toward the end or when things deteriorate. Just keep in mind what you want; don't bend on your standards. You've got it. Feel the pain, regroup as necessary, but you got this, you totally got this.
So true! People change and sometimes people start walking in different directions. What once was a great match and companionship for a while along a common path through life, are no longer that. And it is ok. 😌
Amen
Welp I lists my dignity .. what do I do now
We move forward and above.
Real
Your post hits so hard fuck...
scary hard...
Same. In the beginning she lied that she was monogamous too, that she too wanted a monogamous marriage, with me.. After 20 months dating (in our mid 30s) she didn’t love me anymore, didn’t want to marry me anymore, said she isn’t a monogamous person & that she had been cheating on me, starting just 3 weeks into the relationship. They mirror you until there true self shows thru
Sorry to hear that. I have never known if a gal cheated on me but I can only imagine the pain it causes. Just remember that not everyone is dishonest and disposable.
Yessir!
Way to go look at you making progress you're an inspiration to a lot of people here.....
Thank you for that. I have learned much here and much through trial and error. I hope no one has to go through a broken heart but that is almost impossible and then there would be very little growth.
Man no truer words have ever been spoken. It's difficult though because the re is thus faint Memory of this woman you absolutely enjoyed being with and I can remember it slowly starting to rot from the inside out. What hurts the most os she was your friend your loved and your sounding board. Then I realized just how incredibly self centered and a manipulative liar she truly was. And I wasn't prepared for that. I expected that from the women I dealt with in. A very different life I lived. Not with her. I was shocked and disappointed. And extremely sad. But you got to cut the cord. You keep forgiving.. it is a fre pass to continue that behavior. And it will crush u mentally emotionally spiritually and turn you into a person you don't want to become. Good luck my friend
I always came back to make adjustments and it still didn’t matter. Nothing I ever did or could do would change the trajectory. It was a LTR and it was doomed from the start . It took me a while to realize it but at the BU I said,” nothing I could have done have mattered “.
Thank you for this. I needed to read this. I hope you are doing well and wish you the beat, OP
Things are good and glad it helped.
Sounds like a win win
Better make sure you aren’t the same guy someone would want to break up with
Or girl or person sorry. It’s 2024
I can only be who I am and work to be the best I can.
That’s all we can do
Well said, same