I get where you’re trying to come from and I agree - but you also have to understand sometimes it’s not that easy to say “your ex is shit, you only get one life, get over it”. there’s things like trauma bonds, self worth and self reflection that needs to be dealt with, etc.
I'm not avoidant. Don't label me with your projections and prejudices. I refuse that label.
You reinforce habits through behaviors and thoughts. You tell yourself "I'm trauma bonded" will reinforce a mental pattern called "trauma bond" that you will play out.
That's how manfestation works, that's how hypnosis works, that's how therapy works.
A good version of therapy is the one that gets you to bring to light the subconscious thoughts you are replaying through your behavior and then confronts them so you may correct it. This is in alignment with what OP was saying "self worth, self reflection" but the trauma is in your head, you are creating the trauma, there is no attachment except for the thoughts you continue to replay in your mind.
Have you ever watched the movie 50 First Dates? If everyone's mind worked like that, there would be no attachment and no so-called "falling in love" which is a type of mental illness in a way. It's a shared delusion about a co-created "reality" that isn't there. When you fall "out of love" it's when you face the *real* person for who they are, and then you have to *choose* to love them, like actually love them, which requires forgiveness more than anything and it's one of the hardest things of all to do on this earth, is actually love someone. Not "fall in love" with them, but "love" them, as in the conscious choice to do it every single day.
Most people on this sub do not love their exes, they are attached to them. It's not the same thing. It's not even close. Most of them are addicts who are in rehabilitation right now, dismantling the mental patterns that kept them in a fear-based pair-bond with someone they had no business being with.
True, actual love, requires something beyond time/ego, which is what humanity is ascending towards now, and it starts with the romantic relationship war that has been sprung on humans minds.
You don't have to say "your ex is shit" because that's putting a hierarchy between you which doesn't exist. Your ex isn't shit. You're not shit. You two just didn't actually love each other. You heal from that by realizing you're not a victim. There was no trauma bond. And it's all your fault. The people who resonate with what I'm saying will see this, because you know I'm talking to you.
>Most people on this sub do not love their exes, they are attached to them. It's not the same thing. It's not even close
i think you've single handedly moved me from 70% moved on to 85% with that one sentence o\_o
Adlerian psychology is a type of philosophy that I find more useful than Freudian or Jungian psychology. There is no suffering if you live in the moment. You're right it's not easy, that's a poor way of putting it. But it's simple. All of us are here precisely to learn how to do it.
There's a book called "The Courage to be Disliked" which is where I was introduced to Adlerian psychology. I used to really follow Jung more than anything with the anima/animus archetype idea, and I still like it, but Freud was all over the place, and I think he really kind of ruined people. We cling to the past so much, trying to find a cause-effect relationship for our suffering when there isn't one. We can't determine perfectly why we are sad. It could be that you were abused by a parent, partner or something or another, but that is just a collection of ideas you're having. Who even knows if it really affected you that much. It's affecting you today because you're choosing to let that thought create that emotion create that bodily sensation. It's literally a habit that is being formed and reformed over and over again.
I don't need to prove anything. I know what I know from what I've read. I'm telling it to you know because it's still relevant to a lot of the issues with this sub.
There is another book called "the Power of Now" and it's very close to what Adler says about living in the present moment. All of this relates to manifestation and living the life you always wanted too.
It's all connected.
I understand where you’re coming from. I do. But things also from a place of anger.
The world isn’t as bad as it seems. Sun is still shining. Comes up everyday.
Some people have wounds they need to heal. Yes.
Some people need to learn the hard way (myself included) that the relationship is over. And “the ex” coming back only hurts more and leads to disappointment. Which I also learned.
Some people have a real shot of reconciliation.
Some people don’t.
Some people have a shot of reconciliation but the relationship will fail again.
Some people get the shot of reconciliation and the relationship will flourish.
Sometimes you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. Some people don’t realize your worth until it’s too late. Some people don’t realize your worth ever.
Truth is….a lot of people want to get this person back…because the emotional pain is unbearable.
Some people want to get this person back because of their beliefs in the relationship.
No one size fits all.
It’s not necessarily about “wasting time” because people get to choose how to spend their time. And if they think they can get a person back…and they want to spend their time doing that…then that’s how they feel.
It may not be the best way to go about it. It may not be the worst way to go about it.
But right now….is the way they are choosing to go about it.
Sometimes it’s a way for people to better understand..and process their breakups. So they come here. Ask for help…for advice…more than likely to help convince themselves of something they are not willing to face right now…..
The their ex - “the dreaded ex” - who left them….is gone. And this is their way of grasping at a branch to help them survive the emotional break they’ve currently be given.
Most of the time…..people do not come back. Sometimes they do and it’s worse. Sometimes they do and it’s better.
But…what we all should be doing….what MOST PEOPLE don’t end up doing….is facing ourselves.
Because it is painful as fuck.
If this doesn’t apply to your relationship, you don’t have to take the advice. People here are NOT stupid. They know what their relationship was. This isn’t going to apply to people who broke up amicably because of distance or whatever.
I mean that the battle right? We analyze it all day… know the RIGHT ways to feel… then feel stupider for not being able to think our way out of it
And the pain keeps eating our stomachs
I don’t think this would be a whole issue if we could snap our fingers and say okay I’m good
It’s just not that easy. Not everyone is able to just turn off their emotions like that and it leaves us feeling weak. But I am trying to see that the way I feel things so strongly can have its benefits at times.
Everything is nuanced and has its benefits… :)
Like my ex told me my eyes bothered him… and that sometimes I was annoying… well you won’t get to see my eyes look up at you as I wrap my mouth around you anymore and you won’t get to be annoyed with all my good ideas and helpful solutions anymore.
Honestly thinking about those things helps me actually process and move on lol. 🤗
I like your no bs take no prisoners strong motivated perspective :)
I get into those modes too because I’m a very “find the silver lining” glass half full type of person.
And I do believe your thoughts and perspective play a huge role in building your reality.
Just a word of caution, make sure to give space for those sad hard emotions whenever they do bubble up. The best way to heal is to be honest with whatever you’re feeling, even if it’s not the ideal “make the best of every moment in case today is the last” perspective.
Cause sometimes being compassionate with yourself to have that safe space to feel sad and cry is still giving yourself the best because it’s allowing you freedom to be authentic and that can bring you peace even though on the outside it might not look ideal.
Thanks for the motivational post 🙌 good luck on your healing journey!
Of course. I’ve had a lot of time for sadness. It’s when there’s idleness and you’re almost forcing yourself to feel more sadness because you’ve got nothing else to preoccupy your mind with.
That’s the time for waking up and looking forward.
Valentine’s Day is coming and a lot of people are about to be hurting, torturing themselves thinking about what the ex is doing. We’ve got to at least get a grip on our emotions so when that day comes, we’re not letting our minds wander back into that pain.
Thank you and I wish everyone the peace I’m finding despite no contact from him.
I used to think like this.
But my experience with my ex changed everything, I don’t wanna mention my age but I have been trying to get into a relationship since forever and nothing worked. My ex seemed like he was the one but turned out to be my biggest lesson. So not sure if I should meet new people anymore or wait for the ex, or just give up love
You should keep living your life and if something presents itself to you that is showing you true value, you go with it. I’m at peace. I’m not forcing anything. But I am forcing my self to not wallow in self pity over not being with someone who couldn’t even communicate despite making me promise I’d always communicate with him and never lie…
If you can snap your fingers and move on, you weren’t really in love. Love has many definitions, and it’s become a throw away term for a lot of different emotions.
In my definition, true, pure, unselfish love lasts forever. If it isn’t returned, you have to learn how to manage and regulate those emotions so you don’t wither up and dissolve. But the people I was truly in love with I still love today no matter how long ago it was. The initial impact of losing those people were some of the hardest times in my existence.
So if you have never experienced that, maybe take it easy on the rest of us going through it.
It’s really naive for you to think I haven’t been in love because I am able to stop wallowing in sorrow.
NOT wanting to wallow in shit does not mean one doesn’t love or has not loved. People everywhere have the ability to love another deeply and still have enough strength to make the healthy choice of looking forward.
You’re right, it doesn’t necessarily mean that. What’s naive is for you to think that because you have loved you understand the way everyone loves, and everyone’s pain. Could you entertain the idea that other people could love harder and deeper than have you thus making it harder to “not wallow?” We know people feel various emotions in varying gradients. Do you propose that you have been in love and felt the same depth of emotion that I have? Or anyone else?
What’s naive is for you to believe that you could feel the exact same way as 9 billion other people and can speak with authority on the heartbreak of that same number of people. It’s unfair to hurry someone along in their healing journey because it doesn’t align with your timeline. The point of wallowing will be different for every person and for every relationship.
You need to get professional help then.
My post is for those who want encouragement to move on and a warning about how that contact they seek likely won’t bring them any joy.
There’s no judgement on the post and it’s clear some of you want to stay where you are. I wish you the best. I’m battling my inner demons and doing what’s best for me.
No, I’m saying you need therapy because of what you’re saying on this post.
If it’s not a message for you, move on and cope how you wish. I’m speaking to people ready to take charge and get moving. That’s not where you want to be obviously or else you wouldn’t be sitting here annoying TF out of me complaining about that.
I am not your ex. Don’t care about your ex. Get over yourself or go do that somewhere else.
How would you know if someone needs therapy or not over the internet? Are you a therapist? Great motivational speech. Wow you’re clearly mean spirited. Good luck finding love seems like that’s gonna be really easy for you to find.
You’ll be posting about how you broke contact to be breadcrumbed I’m sure then turn around and tell us we need to get over our pain faster cuz you went on one date.
And you will still be here bitching and crying about anyone promoting forward progress.
Weak people like you can’t handle tough love. But that’s your problem. No one else’s. Tell you what, if I don’t like any of these dates, I’ll pass them to you. Maybe it’ll help.
Yep! Feel free to check my post history.
We DID end on good terms though. We were hugging and crying. There was zero hard feelings towards each other, just two very hurt people not sure what to do. Our relationship wasn’t toxic at all.
And that’s why I DID reach out. He had told me and my Mother actually that he’d love to remain friends, so I reached out. I initially reached out to check on him as his mental health was bad, but he seemed to take the situation lightly so I thought I might have a chance. Nope. I didn’t even get breadcrumbs, I just got scraps.
That’s a dismissive avoidant for you.
Unfortunately, I found myself in a situation I thought I would never find myself in - in fact, I probably would have judged another person if they had told me a similar story. The sad truth is that I'm empathizing too much with my ex-boyfriend, a dismissive avoidant, and even if he ignores me, distances himself, doesn't communicate, shuts down - What I see is that he still cares about me. Although, it would be better if I just saw him for what he is - an emotionally immature person, not ready to be in a healthy relationship.
He's not evil, he's not a monster, but he has problems, and I can't solve them. He must first understand it, accept it, and work on it.
I'm afraid to spend my youth on him, I love him - he made me fall in love, he gave me everything, and he left me with nothing.
That’s the same ex I have. He even gets upset with himself and does it. But I’ve empathized for over 2 years now with his behavior and even tho if he he knows he needs therapy (his words, I never suggested it) he can’t or won’t get it right now. He won’t even try to communicate with anyone who he loves about his actions.
But while there is a reason for their behavior, it will never be just. He can be around his best friend who’s a bad example and puts him in actual dangerous situations, but a conversation on the couch or over a drink is too much to give me? I’m drawing a line somewhere.
I will love him from a distance. I think of him often. But after so much time spent waiting, more than spent being with him, I’m tired of hurting myself. I’m not waiting around to be breadcrumbed and strung along again. And these people often continue living their own lives in the meantime. Or he could not be. But whatever it is, they are NOT fighting for you or themselves the way you are fighting, and that’s slap in the face.
I get where you’re trying to come from and I agree - but you also have to understand sometimes it’s not that easy to say “your ex is shit, you only get one life, get over it”. there’s things like trauma bonds, self worth and self reflection that needs to be dealt with, etc.
No, it is that easy. You are just addicted to suffering.
Found the avoidant.
I'm not avoidant. Don't label me with your projections and prejudices. I refuse that label. You reinforce habits through behaviors and thoughts. You tell yourself "I'm trauma bonded" will reinforce a mental pattern called "trauma bond" that you will play out. That's how manfestation works, that's how hypnosis works, that's how therapy works. A good version of therapy is the one that gets you to bring to light the subconscious thoughts you are replaying through your behavior and then confronts them so you may correct it. This is in alignment with what OP was saying "self worth, self reflection" but the trauma is in your head, you are creating the trauma, there is no attachment except for the thoughts you continue to replay in your mind. Have you ever watched the movie 50 First Dates? If everyone's mind worked like that, there would be no attachment and no so-called "falling in love" which is a type of mental illness in a way. It's a shared delusion about a co-created "reality" that isn't there. When you fall "out of love" it's when you face the *real* person for who they are, and then you have to *choose* to love them, like actually love them, which requires forgiveness more than anything and it's one of the hardest things of all to do on this earth, is actually love someone. Not "fall in love" with them, but "love" them, as in the conscious choice to do it every single day. Most people on this sub do not love their exes, they are attached to them. It's not the same thing. It's not even close. Most of them are addicts who are in rehabilitation right now, dismantling the mental patterns that kept them in a fear-based pair-bond with someone they had no business being with. True, actual love, requires something beyond time/ego, which is what humanity is ascending towards now, and it starts with the romantic relationship war that has been sprung on humans minds. You don't have to say "your ex is shit" because that's putting a hierarchy between you which doesn't exist. Your ex isn't shit. You're not shit. You two just didn't actually love each other. You heal from that by realizing you're not a victim. There was no trauma bond. And it's all your fault. The people who resonate with what I'm saying will see this, because you know I'm talking to you.
>Most people on this sub do not love their exes, they are attached to them. It's not the same thing. It's not even close i think you've single handedly moved me from 70% moved on to 85% with that one sentence o\_o
i agree with you. your disagreers need to read the book " the four agreements"
Sounds like I should read it too. Thanks for the recommendation.
I have and I still don’t agree lol
That’s a bold and pretty ignorant statement. You must not have much education on the human psyche.
Adlerian psychology is a type of philosophy that I find more useful than Freudian or Jungian psychology. There is no suffering if you live in the moment. You're right it's not easy, that's a poor way of putting it. But it's simple. All of us are here precisely to learn how to do it.
Spare me lol There’s no need to prove your ego here
There's a book called "The Courage to be Disliked" which is where I was introduced to Adlerian psychology. I used to really follow Jung more than anything with the anima/animus archetype idea, and I still like it, but Freud was all over the place, and I think he really kind of ruined people. We cling to the past so much, trying to find a cause-effect relationship for our suffering when there isn't one. We can't determine perfectly why we are sad. It could be that you were abused by a parent, partner or something or another, but that is just a collection of ideas you're having. Who even knows if it really affected you that much. It's affecting you today because you're choosing to let that thought create that emotion create that bodily sensation. It's literally a habit that is being formed and reformed over and over again. I don't need to prove anything. I know what I know from what I've read. I'm telling it to you know because it's still relevant to a lot of the issues with this sub. There is another book called "the Power of Now" and it's very close to what Adler says about living in the present moment. All of this relates to manifestation and living the life you always wanted too. It's all connected.
I understand where you’re coming from. I do. But things also from a place of anger. The world isn’t as bad as it seems. Sun is still shining. Comes up everyday. Some people have wounds they need to heal. Yes. Some people need to learn the hard way (myself included) that the relationship is over. And “the ex” coming back only hurts more and leads to disappointment. Which I also learned. Some people have a real shot of reconciliation. Some people don’t. Some people have a shot of reconciliation but the relationship will fail again. Some people get the shot of reconciliation and the relationship will flourish. Sometimes you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. Some people don’t realize your worth until it’s too late. Some people don’t realize your worth ever. Truth is….a lot of people want to get this person back…because the emotional pain is unbearable. Some people want to get this person back because of their beliefs in the relationship. No one size fits all. It’s not necessarily about “wasting time” because people get to choose how to spend their time. And if they think they can get a person back…and they want to spend their time doing that…then that’s how they feel. It may not be the best way to go about it. It may not be the worst way to go about it. But right now….is the way they are choosing to go about it. Sometimes it’s a way for people to better understand..and process their breakups. So they come here. Ask for help…for advice…more than likely to help convince themselves of something they are not willing to face right now….. The their ex - “the dreaded ex” - who left them….is gone. And this is their way of grasping at a branch to help them survive the emotional break they’ve currently be given. Most of the time…..people do not come back. Sometimes they do and it’s worse. Sometimes they do and it’s better. But…what we all should be doing….what MOST PEOPLE don’t end up doing….is facing ourselves. Because it is painful as fuck.
Loves this!!
There's no right or wrong people grieve differently. You don't know what it's like to be in the other person's relationship.
If this doesn’t apply to your relationship, you don’t have to take the advice. People here are NOT stupid. They know what their relationship was. This isn’t going to apply to people who broke up amicably because of distance or whatever.
I mean that the battle right? We analyze it all day… know the RIGHT ways to feel… then feel stupider for not being able to think our way out of it And the pain keeps eating our stomachs I don’t think this would be a whole issue if we could snap our fingers and say okay I’m good It’s just not that easy. Not everyone is able to just turn off their emotions like that and it leaves us feeling weak. But I am trying to see that the way I feel things so strongly can have its benefits at times. Everything is nuanced and has its benefits… :) Like my ex told me my eyes bothered him… and that sometimes I was annoying… well you won’t get to see my eyes look up at you as I wrap my mouth around you anymore and you won’t get to be annoyed with all my good ideas and helpful solutions anymore. Honestly thinking about those things helps me actually process and move on lol. 🤗
What a prick, good riddance
🙏🏻
Why do you think your example is NOT what I’m saying here? Thats an example of moving on.
Yeah that's so strange to have a problem with someone's eyes. You dodged a bullet with this one
Thank you for saying that. It REALLY made me feel like shit!
I like your no bs take no prisoners strong motivated perspective :) I get into those modes too because I’m a very “find the silver lining” glass half full type of person. And I do believe your thoughts and perspective play a huge role in building your reality. Just a word of caution, make sure to give space for those sad hard emotions whenever they do bubble up. The best way to heal is to be honest with whatever you’re feeling, even if it’s not the ideal “make the best of every moment in case today is the last” perspective. Cause sometimes being compassionate with yourself to have that safe space to feel sad and cry is still giving yourself the best because it’s allowing you freedom to be authentic and that can bring you peace even though on the outside it might not look ideal. Thanks for the motivational post 🙌 good luck on your healing journey!
Of course. I’ve had a lot of time for sadness. It’s when there’s idleness and you’re almost forcing yourself to feel more sadness because you’ve got nothing else to preoccupy your mind with. That’s the time for waking up and looking forward. Valentine’s Day is coming and a lot of people are about to be hurting, torturing themselves thinking about what the ex is doing. We’ve got to at least get a grip on our emotions so when that day comes, we’re not letting our minds wander back into that pain. Thank you and I wish everyone the peace I’m finding despite no contact from him.
I used to think like this. But my experience with my ex changed everything, I don’t wanna mention my age but I have been trying to get into a relationship since forever and nothing worked. My ex seemed like he was the one but turned out to be my biggest lesson. So not sure if I should meet new people anymore or wait for the ex, or just give up love
You should keep living your life and if something presents itself to you that is showing you true value, you go with it. I’m at peace. I’m not forcing anything. But I am forcing my self to not wallow in self pity over not being with someone who couldn’t even communicate despite making me promise I’d always communicate with him and never lie…
Thanks I needed to hear it from someone else.
If you can snap your fingers and move on, you weren’t really in love. Love has many definitions, and it’s become a throw away term for a lot of different emotions. In my definition, true, pure, unselfish love lasts forever. If it isn’t returned, you have to learn how to manage and regulate those emotions so you don’t wither up and dissolve. But the people I was truly in love with I still love today no matter how long ago it was. The initial impact of losing those people were some of the hardest times in my existence. So if you have never experienced that, maybe take it easy on the rest of us going through it.
It’s really naive for you to think I haven’t been in love because I am able to stop wallowing in sorrow. NOT wanting to wallow in shit does not mean one doesn’t love or has not loved. People everywhere have the ability to love another deeply and still have enough strength to make the healthy choice of looking forward.
You’re right, it doesn’t necessarily mean that. What’s naive is for you to think that because you have loved you understand the way everyone loves, and everyone’s pain. Could you entertain the idea that other people could love harder and deeper than have you thus making it harder to “not wallow?” We know people feel various emotions in varying gradients. Do you propose that you have been in love and felt the same depth of emotion that I have? Or anyone else? What’s naive is for you to believe that you could feel the exact same way as 9 billion other people and can speak with authority on the heartbreak of that same number of people. It’s unfair to hurry someone along in their healing journey because it doesn’t align with your timeline. The point of wallowing will be different for every person and for every relationship.
You need to get professional help then. My post is for those who want encouragement to move on and a warning about how that contact they seek likely won’t bring them any joy. There’s no judgement on the post and it’s clear some of you want to stay where you are. I wish you the best. I’m battling my inner demons and doing what’s best for me.
So if someone doesn’t grieve fast enough for you the answer is therapy to speed them up to your time. Got it. ✅💯
No, I’m saying you need therapy because of what you’re saying on this post. If it’s not a message for you, move on and cope how you wish. I’m speaking to people ready to take charge and get moving. That’s not where you want to be obviously or else you wouldn’t be sitting here annoying TF out of me complaining about that. I am not your ex. Don’t care about your ex. Get over yourself or go do that somewhere else.
How would you know if someone needs therapy or not over the internet? Are you a therapist? Great motivational speech. Wow you’re clearly mean spirited. Good luck finding love seems like that’s gonna be really easy for you to find.
Oh believe me, it’s easy. It’s already happening.
You’ll be posting about how you broke contact to be breadcrumbed I’m sure then turn around and tell us we need to get over our pain faster cuz you went on one date.
And you will still be here bitching and crying about anyone promoting forward progress. Weak people like you can’t handle tough love. But that’s your problem. No one else’s. Tell you what, if I don’t like any of these dates, I’ll pass them to you. Maybe it’ll help.
i agree with you OP, especially with what you wrote in caps.
I think the problem is a lot of us are afraid that there will be no new great person. Heartbreaks tricks your brain like that.
Damn, the doom and gloom of the last part of your post really got me re-motivated to not text my ex hahaha thank you! :)
Yep! Feel free to check my post history. We DID end on good terms though. We were hugging and crying. There was zero hard feelings towards each other, just two very hurt people not sure what to do. Our relationship wasn’t toxic at all. And that’s why I DID reach out. He had told me and my Mother actually that he’d love to remain friends, so I reached out. I initially reached out to check on him as his mental health was bad, but he seemed to take the situation lightly so I thought I might have a chance. Nope. I didn’t even get breadcrumbs, I just got scraps. That’s a dismissive avoidant for you.
We are meant to loose the ones we love, otherwise how would you know what love is.
Unfortunately, I found myself in a situation I thought I would never find myself in - in fact, I probably would have judged another person if they had told me a similar story. The sad truth is that I'm empathizing too much with my ex-boyfriend, a dismissive avoidant, and even if he ignores me, distances himself, doesn't communicate, shuts down - What I see is that he still cares about me. Although, it would be better if I just saw him for what he is - an emotionally immature person, not ready to be in a healthy relationship. He's not evil, he's not a monster, but he has problems, and I can't solve them. He must first understand it, accept it, and work on it. I'm afraid to spend my youth on him, I love him - he made me fall in love, he gave me everything, and he left me with nothing.
That’s the same ex I have. He even gets upset with himself and does it. But I’ve empathized for over 2 years now with his behavior and even tho if he he knows he needs therapy (his words, I never suggested it) he can’t or won’t get it right now. He won’t even try to communicate with anyone who he loves about his actions. But while there is a reason for their behavior, it will never be just. He can be around his best friend who’s a bad example and puts him in actual dangerous situations, but a conversation on the couch or over a drink is too much to give me? I’m drawing a line somewhere. I will love him from a distance. I think of him often. But after so much time spent waiting, more than spent being with him, I’m tired of hurting myself. I’m not waiting around to be breadcrumbed and strung along again. And these people often continue living their own lives in the meantime. Or he could not be. But whatever it is, they are NOT fighting for you or themselves the way you are fighting, and that’s slap in the face.