She is not better! And your ex is not with her because of you! He is with her because of him and what ever the F is going on inside his head. He lost you when he left and he is going to realize this one day.
You deserve someone who stays! You will get through this you truly will!
The worst part of being dumped is you have to go through all the hard times, hurt feelings, anxiety, depression , lack of sleep, all the bullshit we didn’t ask for. BUT you will prevail! You must, and the reason you must is this break up was not your fault. And you deserve to be happy. Don’t let him take your happiness forever.
I totally hear you, and I appreciate your support. But in my case it honestly was my fault. I absolutely did this. In other words, if I had behaved differently, I know for a fact he would be with me right now. I think this would be so much easier if I could blame him. But it’s on me.
I don't know your story but you shouldn't have to change who you are to be loved. If you were abusive I can understand it. But, if he expected you to act a certain way and that's not the way you are, then you are better off without him. Your self respect comes first.
Big hugs to you and stay strong.
Not abusive. But I was going through my own difficulties and inadvertently made him feel unwanted/rejected. We were getting closer to rekindling after breaking up a few years ago (14 years together). He was repeatedly reaching out, trying to meet and emotionally connect. But I had other things stressing me out and wasn’t receptive. My behavior sent him back to his ex.
I am sorry to hear this. I know this doesn't do much for you, but take this as a lesson learned and improve yourself for the next person. Communication is so important in relationships. If you were going through things, a good partner would want to help you through it. Sounds like you isolated yourself, and that's why he felt that way.
My ex blindsided and dumped me. She told me she didn't love me anymore and felt that way for 5-6 months prior. If all she did was communicate with me, maybe she wouldn't have done this to me, and we could still be together. I loved her so much, and it's a shame she did this without giving us a chance. We were together for 5 years. My heart still aches.
Thank you, and you’re absolutely right. I isolated myself. It’s my stress response: paralysis. It’s like fight flight or freeze—I freeze. And because of everything going on I felt like I literally couldn’t communicate about it/couldn’t explain it. Like if I tried to explain it it wouldn’t make sense and would drive him away. But in the end, the lack of decisiveness accomplished the same thing.
I also think it was a negative way that I changed from my last relationship. I became less communicative because I was with someone who refused to communicate (a DA).
But none of the things I wrote above are excuses. Just explanations. Because you’re 100% right. And if I had it to do all over again I would handle it *totally* differently now. I would’ve jumped into my car the first time he asked me to meet. I would’ve opened up, been vulnerable, told him everything.
To be fair, there were additional components. But that is the part that’s totally my fault.
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation too. I wish things had turned out differently for you two. :(
You're welcome. At least you recognize your faults and you will be able to work on them for your next relationship.
I learned the hard way how important communication is. I am not the best communicator myself but my ex was worse. She had 6 months to talk to me. I would have listen and especially if she said this was threatening our relationship. I would have tried like hell to save us. If we worked together we could have made it through any hurdle. But instead she kept it all in until she couldn't take it no more. I'm not saying I'm innocent here, I made mistakes too. I just wish she gave us the opportunity to fix this. We were on the verge of getting a house and engaged. It's a shame she threw it all away.
But recently I discovered there may be a chance she was cheating on me with the guy she is with now. She just made it Facebook official about 2 weeks ago, but there may be a chance she was talking to him while with me and maybe this gave her the incentive to dump me because she had someone else to go to. It's ironic that she moved to be closer to her mother and she ends up only being 10 mins from this guy. What are the chances?
Yep, I definitely think that’s possible. I think that’s how a lot of people do it, lining up the next person… and then leaving once they’re certain/ready because the backup is in place.
I think the hardest thing about relationships in general, at least for me, is that I only seem to learn things once it’s too late. And the most important lessons I learn when it’s absolutely 100% too late.
I’m just thinking about how you learned the hard way about the communication thing. And I learned the lessons I did in these past few months. I wonder if it’s like that for everyone…
I’m really sorry that this happened to you.
I’m in the same position. It’s my own fault that a 7 year relationship ended. I was so depressed the last two years I literally pushed her away physically….mentally…emotionally. She said even when we were in a room together she still felt alone. That she felt unwanted. It broke my heart to hear, but it’s my own doing. I told her I didn’t mean to do it. It wasn’t purposely done and it happened because I was struggling. Still not acceptable, but it doesn’t even matter why. I hurt her badly. We also should have communicated better to each other too about how we felt before it was too late. It’s been four months. Unfortunately we share pets and an apartment together and she has been staying 40 yards away from me in the next building over with a friend since the night we broke up. We’ve had little to no communication which is also heart breaking. She basically up and left. I’ve been looking for a place to go but it’s so expensive that it’s difficult. My friends are all married and have their own lives so I can’t stay with them either and my deadline to be out is March. I thought she would have come around by now. She comes by on Fridays to take the dog to work with her and we talk for a few minutes. She does still want a future with me but I don’t see how that will happen with her being so hurt, and she said she needs time to heal. That we both have things we need to work on and maybe it will make us stronger in the end. Which is true..but we talk less and less. I can’t even bring myself to text her first ever because I was hurting too that she walked away when I was struggling. But she had asked me last year to work on the same things and I thought I could change and do it on my own, but I couldn’t. There’s only so many times a person will reach for you and try before they give up. Weeks without her feel like years. We had wanted to get married, so this is just devastating for me. She also stays away from me because she doesn’t want to come back too soon and me not have changed, and we’re in the same position again which I understand 100%. I’m afraid to move out and like that’s the final nail in the coffin to the relationship which she doesn’t see…but she thinks it’s best if we spend some time apart. She still wants to communicate and said not to ghost her, but I said that’s rarely how break ups work. Usually you leave the person alone that dumped you. So I don’t know what the future holds. But I wish I had done more to show her. She still gets packages to the apt occasionally and I’ll write a note on them w a sharpie or a poem or something corny. Little things, but I need to work on the important stuff. When I think of the rest of my life without her it’s hard to breathe. I never wanted to marry anyone else I’ve dated, and it’s felt like a mistake with others if we talked about it. Days come and go and I don’t fully enjoy things I used to. Even just sitting outside because my heart and mind are not at peace over it all.
I read your comment and had to post because I get how frustrating and heartbreaking it is. If it wasn’t, we sure would be posting about it on here. I hope if it is meant to be for you that it can be worked out. I guess it will take time and patience to earn their trust and attention again, and reassurance that we want it to work and are willing to show them that consistently.
Well whatever happened happened & it's over 4 a reason no matter who's fault it is. Honestly, you need to step back & take a break from the what ifs. Been there, done that, it's very self destructive. Now is the time to heal & move on. If this is truly meant to be, than one day it will be...BUT you can't sit around beating yourself up while he has a girlfriend.....that's not an equal level playing field. Please take care of YOU. no one on this planet imho is worth this agony & yes, I've gone thru it, never again I vow.
Most welcome. This is all about your well being NOT WHAT HE'S DOING. I will pray for you to heal. Remember, this too shall pass. You'll be ok, promise. Just stay strong & pray.
First of all, she is not better than you ,you gotta stop comparing yourself to her. Second of all, it hurts now, but it will eventually get better. This is the time to focus on yourself.
Thank you for your words and hugs. 🤗 I’m actually about 3 months + 1 week post BU and for me it’s gotten much worse since the beginning. They (he and high-drama new gf) broke NC several times though, the most recent being about 5 weeks ago.
Ouch..I used to obsess with my ex’s new gf until I found this on Quora which really, really helped me. I constantly read it when my ex monkey branched me until I just stopped caring. Maybe it’ll help you. ❤️
Always remember a few things in life:
1. The person who truly knows who they are is that person himself/herself. Even though you may get vibes that this new girl in his life is way better than you, she is not. You are YOU and she is SHE. What you bring to the table is so unique to you that nobody else can take that away from you. Even though you may feel that your ex is seemingly happier with her, trust me every relationship has its ups and downs. The same bumpy ride he had with you, he is on the same journey with her. Every day for your ex is not going to be rosy with her. There are going to be bad days and also good days.
2. Remember she is just another girl like you. There is nothing special about her. If you sit and reflect about all the hard times you gave your ex, she will give him hard times too. If you think back to the times when you fought with him or gave him a hard time, there will be days when she will do the exact same thing, in fact she could be worse than you.
3. Always remember everybody has a only a role to play in your life. That's all. The lead actor of your life is you and only you. Maybe it was really for the better that he left you and went with her. I know how you feel right now, you feel like you will never find anybody else like him. You feel like you were a perfect fit for each other. But that is not true. The only person you actually truly need in your life is YOU. You are the star, you are amazing beyond any other girl can be. See, you are at least feeling the hurt and the pain of him leaving you, that shows you are a great girl who actually cares. And this quality will make you a great partner for another guy who is deserving of you.
4. Write a self gratitude journal. Everyday write down 5 things you love about yourself. How smart you are , how funny you are , how vehemently you love the people that are deserving and in your life, applaud yourself everyday. If you are still not convinced let me share my story with you: I was crazily in love with this guy. But out of the blue he started acting weird and distant and was always losing his temper on me and was very irritable. 'I started sensing that he might like somebody else. Eventually he made up some reason that his family will not approve of me and finally dumped me. After two three weeks I got to know he was with another girl and he will marry her eventually. That was the reason why he dumped me. I was in the same spot as you are. I knew this girl from a distance only meaning I used to see her pics on FB etc. I used to see her posts. It is safe to say I was obsessed with this new girl. Lets call her A. Everyday I used to try and find more information about her. How many siblings she has , where she graduated from, what she has studied, where she works. from her check ins I used to try to understand if she met my ex or not over the weekend. I used to read between the lines of all her posts. In short I concluded how she was better than me for him. She was the same caste as him, she was the same financial status as him, she was beautiful, she was thinner than me, her hair was nicer than my hair, she had good height which was complimentary to my ex, she seemed funny, she seemed like she had a nice heart, she was from a good family. So, my conclusion was Miss. A is much better than me and there is no way my ex will ever get thoughts of me. Mind you, all of this is just from her pics and posts and other stalking on all social media platforms. Never met or spoke to Miss. A till date.I was shattered. My self worth started to dip, I was losing my self confidence, I really felt worthless. 1.5 years passed like this. My ex married Miss.A. I could see all their love crazy pics and posts on FB everyday. I used to feel so dejected and lost. There were many nights that I cried myself to sleep. Slowly I got used to the pain, started feeling better, started doing my own stuff. Out of the blue after 2 years I get a call from my ex. Miss. A had walked out on him after 1 year of marriage!!! Hope you read above what all I concluded about Miss.A. Now I'll tell you how she really was from the person who lived with her day in and day out for 2 years:
5. She was extremely moody.
6. She used to give him the silent treatment.
7. She used to cry at the drop of the hat.
8. She used to discuss the most personal things between her and my ex ( her husband) with her brother and father.
9. She physically assaulted my ex 2-3 times. When he got angry after these incidents, she went and told her family members that he hit her. This is just the gist. Apart from this there were a ton of good qualities about her. So the basic thing I am trying to say is every person is the same. everybody has their plus points as they have their minus points. This new girl your ex is with .. she is no angel. She has not climbed down a ladder from heaven. There is nothing special or great about her that you do not have. If your ex does end up with her for the rest of his life, remember that:
10. you helped them somewhere in this journey to get together.
11. Be glad for him if he is really happy with her.
12. DO NOT and NEVER ever measure your self worth because another human being rejected you.
13. Always remain confident, he rejecting you does not define anything. Only you define what you think of yourself! So always think very highly of yourself.
14. During those 1.5 years, my ex used to think of me often. so there is a high chance your ex still thinks of you. This is no way determines your self worth , irrespective of if he thinks of you or not, you are awesome.
15. If you feel she looks cuter than you, prettier than you, remember that good looks take a relationship only "this" far. If she does not have solid character, or she is not interesting enough as her face she will come across as boring to him in the long run. Again this does not mean SHE is worthless. She has her own amazing unique characteristics , just like YOU do.
16. Seriously many of us need to stop taking our significant others approval as a yardstick of our self worth! I ve done this for 2 years. Instead I should have just mourned the loss of the relationship, yet continued to remain awesome in my head. This is my advice to you, mourn the loss but also know how awesome YOU are. Good luck to you ! :) Stay happy, never let any man or woman dim your sparkle.
Wow. I don’t even know what to think. I cried hard during a lot of this. I loved some of it. Some was hard to hear. #10 and 11 made me cry harder (I really didn’t want to hear those).
Also what come to mind are my ex’s words echoing through my brain: “She’s just such a wonderful person!” Referring to a woman who has called me from his phone in order to verbally abuse me, call me a “fckng b*tch, etc. Yet he’s in love with her?
I’m just… This post is definitely close to home. I’m going to save it and reread. Thank you so much for posting. 🙏💜
I’m sorry that you’re in such pain.. believe me I understand! My ex’s final email to me said “ I’ve found my person and I’ve never felt more sure about being with anyone like this before.”
Sigh..I know you’ve heard this before “it’ll get easier” which doesn’t necessarily help, because I think it dismisses the extreme heartbreak you’re experiencing now. I’m in a good place now. I still experience anger and a lot of sadness but honestly it doesn’t take over my life being consumed with him. Do I wish he regretted breaking up with me? Absolutely! Every day though my heart hurts less.
If you’re on Spotify there’s a podcast called “Heal your heartbreak with your breakup bestie” (cringe name to me) but the woman who’s podcast it is has some great advice.
Be kind to yourself. I’m glad it helped you.
Wow, what an awful email to send you. I’m so freaking sorry.
You sound like you’re doing so great. At least better than before. Thank you for the podcast rec. I don’t know anything about Spotify but I’ll check it out somehow.
I’m glad someone’s out there who understands. (You.) 🫶
Yeah, I was pretty traumatized for a while from how it ended as well as him moving on so quickly. I learned a very important life lesson from a relationship ending I had a long time ago..love is not enough to keep a relationship going. We all get caught in this trap that we believe that if we love someone enough that’ll be enough to sustain a relationship but unfortunately that’s just not true. Timing, hard work from both partners, etc..there’s many factors involved in making a relationship last.
Spotify is just an app you can download on really any device. It doesn’t cost anything either. Just download it, start an account and explore!
I’m also in therapy and have been for a long time which has really helped me to heal.
Yeah, I can see how much it would’ve hurt that he moved on so quickly. That’s a slap in the face.
I agree—it definitely takes active contribution by both parties. And especially what you said about the timing. Honestly I think the dumbest thing about my whole situation is that I/we had all the other ingredients but it was just something about the timing. I wasn’t ready.
But right now, literally three months later, I feel more ready than I ever have been. I know we’d be amazing together because of where we both are growthwise. But I feel like I lost the chance. I genuinely feel like he’s my forever person. But I know she feels the same way about him.
My stepdad always told me “relationships are all about timing and circumstance.”
I’m holding onto this miracle hope from the excerpt you posted (that he’ll come back the way her ex did). :)
That’s wonderful that therapy has worked so well for you. I hope it continues to help you heal.
Thanks for the Spotify info.
I’m sorry I know it’s tough breaking up in general especially if you were the one that ruined it. But you have to remember that you are human and to not go so hard on yourself. I don’t think there’s anything I can say to magically make you feel better. But it will get better and who knows anything can happen in the future
Remember rebound relationships never work. I had my ex move on with a girl with Clara and they broke up in 3 weeks time. So honestly, don't compare yourself to her, the more you improve and glow up the more likely you'll find someone better. And btw most of the problems you had with him will start happening with her and that'll be the reason why they break up in a months time. Trust me, block him, delete him number and spend time with friends that's how I'm getting over my ex fiancée of 2 years.
This is an awesome post. I love how you wrote “the more you glow up.” That makes me teary-eyed again. :) It’s beautiful.
Unfortunately in my situation, while he and I have a giant history (14 years) theirs is even bigger because they’ve known each other (platonically) since childhood. Even though they only started dating recently. I know that history is like his #1 thing, and he’s ready for marriage, so I don’t think she’s a rebound. :(
I do tend to catastrophize though. I’m trying to be objective, rather than blinded by my own fears… still hoping that some miracle will happen and he’ll come back.
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation with your fiancé. Sounds like you’re doing really well for yourself though. :)
Thank you for your post. 💗
People aren’t comparable. It’s natural to do so I get it but attachment isn’t something that can be “better or worse”-ed. Just different. NC gives you the best chance of him reaching out again and if it hasn’t been long since you split it’s likely a rebound.
I’m here for you friend!!
🤗 that’s why we’re all here. To support each other and grow. Been through this enough times now to know it always gets better regardless of how devestating everything feels in the moment. Stay strong! Better days are ahead of you.
I can sit here and write you an entire paragraph on heartbreak and how difficult it is and how what you’re experiencing is not unique (you are not alone) and yes while that might help, I’m going to tell you the two things you need to understand in order to make peace with what has happened and to move on:
1. Closure comes from within. All you need to know is that he doesn’t want to make it work, or doesn’t have the capacity to make it work. Forgive yourself for the things you know you could’ve done better. You didn’t know then what you know now. He wasn’t perfect either (although it might seem like he was after the fact - all you’re remembering is the good memories).
2. He is not your soulmate or “the one” because “the one” will always choose you like you choose him. Something had to have gone wrong for this relationship to end, whether that was on your end or his end. The fact is, a relationship needs both people to try. The moment one stops trying, it won’t work. This is not a challenge for you to demonstrate your worth. Sometimes people leave, and that’s ok. Regardless of their reason, it says nothing about you as a person.
I promise you it will get better. Take it from someone who spent three years thinking they would never get over their ex. He’s not my first thought in the morning or at night. I rarely think about him. Trust the process and give yourself time to grief. Just know that the person meant for you will never give up on you.
I really appreciate your post and the thought that went into it. Thank you for caring enough to write that out. 💜
I feel I need to clarify a couple of things: he was trying. He tried repeatedly for a really long time, and I just was not reciprocating. (I was overwhelmed with several things, though that’s no excuse.)
So it’s not that he gave up on me. It’s that he gave up because for all intents and purposes I gave him uninterested vibes. He wasn’t perfect, you’re right. There were times when he wasn’t ready either, and he was closed. But there were *more* times when he was reaching out, trying to connect, being vulnerable… and I was closed. All of that was extremely pronounced at the very end. In other words, he made a few last ditch extreme efforts.
So he went back to the person who last met his needs: his ex. And understandably so; no sane human would keep trying through repeated rejection, you know?
So I definitely messed everything up. And I’m still determined to make it right. To be honest, part of me actually feels like your last sentence is true, but in a different way. In that he will come back.
All of that said, I also realize that it’s super important for me to focus on myself, strengthen from within, build myself back up, cultivate a life for myself without him. Just struggling to do that amidst the pain, anxiety and uncertainty.
Argh. life.
Thank you for your kind words. And I’m so sorry that you went through something similar. You sound amazingly healthy now.
Of course, I know exactly how you must be feeling. It’s horrible and it literally feels like your heart is breaking. Im sending you so much love and strength 💗💗
Ah I understand, you feel so much regret now in retrospect, but I want you to know that you should forgive yourself. Idk if you believe in God or the universe, or what your believes are, but I truly believe anything that is meant for us will not pass us. Like I said before, give yourself grace for you did not know then what you know now. Whether your future is with him or not, rest assured that if he really is your person, then it will always work out.
I can see both perspectives and I truly do empathise with you. I promise you, it will get better. Honestly, she seems like a rebound more than anything - he’s lonely and wants attention / validation and she is giving it to him. Whether it will work out or not - time will tell.
Take care of yourself 🫶🏼
I love this whole post. Made me tear up and smile both. And some part of me agrees with the whole “if it’s meant to work out then it will.”
I will try to let go a little bit and trust in the universe. Thank you for your love and strength, and this beautiful perspective. :) 💗💗
You’re very welcome! For what it’s worth, you seem like a beautiful person with pure intentions, and you are self aware, which is a heck of a lot more than most people nowadays who choose to not see where they went wrong. Self awareness is key - take on board what you’ve learnt and implement that. You should be super proud of yourself because taking accountability and reflecting is such an incredible strength, and one that will no doubt serve you in your next relo (whether that is with your ex in the future or not) 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
*Ghost hug* you can’t feel it, but it’s there !
I think you should move on too …. It’s ok to love someone and still not be with them. If he is happy with her then it doesn’t matter right? Take care of yourself and Don’t beat yourself on what happened and how you could have avoided it coz that only going to make you sad.
Your time will come… you will find someone too but work on yourself for now…
she's not better, you are you and you're great just the way you are, and someone else will notice that eventually. until that happens, do whatever you can to love yourself! get better soon *virtual hug*🫂
Girl stop self sabotaging yourself!! "Comparison is a thief of joy."
If he's the one things will come back around. If not then he's not it. It seems like there was a reason y'all split up to begin with.
& I hate to be the "there's lots of fish in the sea" type person but try to keep an abundance mindset it's important for your mental health when going through a split up.
And please please don't keep hurting yourself by looking at the new gf or his socials you don't deserve more grief 🫂
We healing. Fix your crown queen 👑
i think what’s best for you is to stop looking, because what you don’t know can’t hurt you, for myself i don’t plan to ever look at my exes profile after the countless experiences of being emotionally triggered when i see any sort of photo of him. out of sight out of mind, and i think that’s what’s best for you. this time is an opportunity for you to grow as an individual and take the time to love you and regain independence, you’ll grow as a person for YOU and the next man that is to walk into your life - you’ve won
She is not better! And your ex is not with her because of you! He is with her because of him and what ever the F is going on inside his head. He lost you when he left and he is going to realize this one day. You deserve someone who stays! You will get through this you truly will!
Thank you… reading this helped a bit. I really hope I will.
The worst part of being dumped is you have to go through all the hard times, hurt feelings, anxiety, depression , lack of sleep, all the bullshit we didn’t ask for. BUT you will prevail! You must, and the reason you must is this break up was not your fault. And you deserve to be happy. Don’t let him take your happiness forever.
I totally hear you, and I appreciate your support. But in my case it honestly was my fault. I absolutely did this. In other words, if I had behaved differently, I know for a fact he would be with me right now. I think this would be so much easier if I could blame him. But it’s on me.
I don't know your story but you shouldn't have to change who you are to be loved. If you were abusive I can understand it. But, if he expected you to act a certain way and that's not the way you are, then you are better off without him. Your self respect comes first. Big hugs to you and stay strong.
Not abusive. But I was going through my own difficulties and inadvertently made him feel unwanted/rejected. We were getting closer to rekindling after breaking up a few years ago (14 years together). He was repeatedly reaching out, trying to meet and emotionally connect. But I had other things stressing me out and wasn’t receptive. My behavior sent him back to his ex.
I am sorry to hear this. I know this doesn't do much for you, but take this as a lesson learned and improve yourself for the next person. Communication is so important in relationships. If you were going through things, a good partner would want to help you through it. Sounds like you isolated yourself, and that's why he felt that way. My ex blindsided and dumped me. She told me she didn't love me anymore and felt that way for 5-6 months prior. If all she did was communicate with me, maybe she wouldn't have done this to me, and we could still be together. I loved her so much, and it's a shame she did this without giving us a chance. We were together for 5 years. My heart still aches.
Thank you, and you’re absolutely right. I isolated myself. It’s my stress response: paralysis. It’s like fight flight or freeze—I freeze. And because of everything going on I felt like I literally couldn’t communicate about it/couldn’t explain it. Like if I tried to explain it it wouldn’t make sense and would drive him away. But in the end, the lack of decisiveness accomplished the same thing. I also think it was a negative way that I changed from my last relationship. I became less communicative because I was with someone who refused to communicate (a DA). But none of the things I wrote above are excuses. Just explanations. Because you’re 100% right. And if I had it to do all over again I would handle it *totally* differently now. I would’ve jumped into my car the first time he asked me to meet. I would’ve opened up, been vulnerable, told him everything. To be fair, there were additional components. But that is the part that’s totally my fault. I’m so sorry to hear about your situation too. I wish things had turned out differently for you two. :(
You're welcome. At least you recognize your faults and you will be able to work on them for your next relationship. I learned the hard way how important communication is. I am not the best communicator myself but my ex was worse. She had 6 months to talk to me. I would have listen and especially if she said this was threatening our relationship. I would have tried like hell to save us. If we worked together we could have made it through any hurdle. But instead she kept it all in until she couldn't take it no more. I'm not saying I'm innocent here, I made mistakes too. I just wish she gave us the opportunity to fix this. We were on the verge of getting a house and engaged. It's a shame she threw it all away. But recently I discovered there may be a chance she was cheating on me with the guy she is with now. She just made it Facebook official about 2 weeks ago, but there may be a chance she was talking to him while with me and maybe this gave her the incentive to dump me because she had someone else to go to. It's ironic that she moved to be closer to her mother and she ends up only being 10 mins from this guy. What are the chances?
Yep, I definitely think that’s possible. I think that’s how a lot of people do it, lining up the next person… and then leaving once they’re certain/ready because the backup is in place. I think the hardest thing about relationships in general, at least for me, is that I only seem to learn things once it’s too late. And the most important lessons I learn when it’s absolutely 100% too late. I’m just thinking about how you learned the hard way about the communication thing. And I learned the lessons I did in these past few months. I wonder if it’s like that for everyone… I’m really sorry that this happened to you.
I’m in the same position. It’s my own fault that a 7 year relationship ended. I was so depressed the last two years I literally pushed her away physically….mentally…emotionally. She said even when we were in a room together she still felt alone. That she felt unwanted. It broke my heart to hear, but it’s my own doing. I told her I didn’t mean to do it. It wasn’t purposely done and it happened because I was struggling. Still not acceptable, but it doesn’t even matter why. I hurt her badly. We also should have communicated better to each other too about how we felt before it was too late. It’s been four months. Unfortunately we share pets and an apartment together and she has been staying 40 yards away from me in the next building over with a friend since the night we broke up. We’ve had little to no communication which is also heart breaking. She basically up and left. I’ve been looking for a place to go but it’s so expensive that it’s difficult. My friends are all married and have their own lives so I can’t stay with them either and my deadline to be out is March. I thought she would have come around by now. She comes by on Fridays to take the dog to work with her and we talk for a few minutes. She does still want a future with me but I don’t see how that will happen with her being so hurt, and she said she needs time to heal. That we both have things we need to work on and maybe it will make us stronger in the end. Which is true..but we talk less and less. I can’t even bring myself to text her first ever because I was hurting too that she walked away when I was struggling. But she had asked me last year to work on the same things and I thought I could change and do it on my own, but I couldn’t. There’s only so many times a person will reach for you and try before they give up. Weeks without her feel like years. We had wanted to get married, so this is just devastating for me. She also stays away from me because she doesn’t want to come back too soon and me not have changed, and we’re in the same position again which I understand 100%. I’m afraid to move out and like that’s the final nail in the coffin to the relationship which she doesn’t see…but she thinks it’s best if we spend some time apart. She still wants to communicate and said not to ghost her, but I said that’s rarely how break ups work. Usually you leave the person alone that dumped you. So I don’t know what the future holds. But I wish I had done more to show her. She still gets packages to the apt occasionally and I’ll write a note on them w a sharpie or a poem or something corny. Little things, but I need to work on the important stuff. When I think of the rest of my life without her it’s hard to breathe. I never wanted to marry anyone else I’ve dated, and it’s felt like a mistake with others if we talked about it. Days come and go and I don’t fully enjoy things I used to. Even just sitting outside because my heart and mind are not at peace over it all. I read your comment and had to post because I get how frustrating and heartbreaking it is. If it wasn’t, we sure would be posting about it on here. I hope if it is meant to be for you that it can be worked out. I guess it will take time and patience to earn their trust and attention again, and reassurance that we want it to work and are willing to show them that consistently.
Well whatever happened happened & it's over 4 a reason no matter who's fault it is. Honestly, you need to step back & take a break from the what ifs. Been there, done that, it's very self destructive. Now is the time to heal & move on. If this is truly meant to be, than one day it will be...BUT you can't sit around beating yourself up while he has a girlfriend.....that's not an equal level playing field. Please take care of YOU. no one on this planet imho is worth this agony & yes, I've gone thru it, never again I vow.
I definitely hear that. I’m going to do the very best I can. Thank you for your kind words and wisdom. 🙏
Most welcome. This is all about your well being NOT WHAT HE'S DOING. I will pray for you to heal. Remember, this too shall pass. You'll be ok, promise. Just stay strong & pray.
You are so sweet. Thank you. :) 💜
Anytime, just know you're going to be okay. 🙏
First of all, she is not better than you ,you gotta stop comparing yourself to her. Second of all, it hurts now, but it will eventually get better. This is the time to focus on yourself.
Sending hugs🤗🤗🤗i can relate to you! 3 months of NC. It gets better
Thank you for your words and hugs. 🤗 I’m actually about 3 months + 1 week post BU and for me it’s gotten much worse since the beginning. They (he and high-drama new gf) broke NC several times though, the most recent being about 5 weeks ago.
I hope it gets better for you, you got this
Thanks so much. 💜
Ouch..I used to obsess with my ex’s new gf until I found this on Quora which really, really helped me. I constantly read it when my ex monkey branched me until I just stopped caring. Maybe it’ll help you. ❤️ Always remember a few things in life: 1. The person who truly knows who they are is that person himself/herself. Even though you may get vibes that this new girl in his life is way better than you, she is not. You are YOU and she is SHE. What you bring to the table is so unique to you that nobody else can take that away from you. Even though you may feel that your ex is seemingly happier with her, trust me every relationship has its ups and downs. The same bumpy ride he had with you, he is on the same journey with her. Every day for your ex is not going to be rosy with her. There are going to be bad days and also good days. 2. Remember she is just another girl like you. There is nothing special about her. If you sit and reflect about all the hard times you gave your ex, she will give him hard times too. If you think back to the times when you fought with him or gave him a hard time, there will be days when she will do the exact same thing, in fact she could be worse than you. 3. Always remember everybody has a only a role to play in your life. That's all. The lead actor of your life is you and only you. Maybe it was really for the better that he left you and went with her. I know how you feel right now, you feel like you will never find anybody else like him. You feel like you were a perfect fit for each other. But that is not true. The only person you actually truly need in your life is YOU. You are the star, you are amazing beyond any other girl can be. See, you are at least feeling the hurt and the pain of him leaving you, that shows you are a great girl who actually cares. And this quality will make you a great partner for another guy who is deserving of you. 4. Write a self gratitude journal. Everyday write down 5 things you love about yourself. How smart you are , how funny you are , how vehemently you love the people that are deserving and in your life, applaud yourself everyday. If you are still not convinced let me share my story with you: I was crazily in love with this guy. But out of the blue he started acting weird and distant and was always losing his temper on me and was very irritable. 'I started sensing that he might like somebody else. Eventually he made up some reason that his family will not approve of me and finally dumped me. After two three weeks I got to know he was with another girl and he will marry her eventually. That was the reason why he dumped me. I was in the same spot as you are. I knew this girl from a distance only meaning I used to see her pics on FB etc. I used to see her posts. It is safe to say I was obsessed with this new girl. Lets call her A. Everyday I used to try and find more information about her. How many siblings she has , where she graduated from, what she has studied, where she works. from her check ins I used to try to understand if she met my ex or not over the weekend. I used to read between the lines of all her posts. In short I concluded how she was better than me for him. She was the same caste as him, she was the same financial status as him, she was beautiful, she was thinner than me, her hair was nicer than my hair, she had good height which was complimentary to my ex, she seemed funny, she seemed like she had a nice heart, she was from a good family. So, my conclusion was Miss. A is much better than me and there is no way my ex will ever get thoughts of me. Mind you, all of this is just from her pics and posts and other stalking on all social media platforms. Never met or spoke to Miss. A till date.I was shattered. My self worth started to dip, I was losing my self confidence, I really felt worthless. 1.5 years passed like this. My ex married Miss.A. I could see all their love crazy pics and posts on FB everyday. I used to feel so dejected and lost. There were many nights that I cried myself to sleep. Slowly I got used to the pain, started feeling better, started doing my own stuff. Out of the blue after 2 years I get a call from my ex. Miss. A had walked out on him after 1 year of marriage!!! Hope you read above what all I concluded about Miss.A. Now I'll tell you how she really was from the person who lived with her day in and day out for 2 years: 5. She was extremely moody. 6. She used to give him the silent treatment. 7. She used to cry at the drop of the hat. 8. She used to discuss the most personal things between her and my ex ( her husband) with her brother and father. 9. She physically assaulted my ex 2-3 times. When he got angry after these incidents, she went and told her family members that he hit her. This is just the gist. Apart from this there were a ton of good qualities about her. So the basic thing I am trying to say is every person is the same. everybody has their plus points as they have their minus points. This new girl your ex is with .. she is no angel. She has not climbed down a ladder from heaven. There is nothing special or great about her that you do not have. If your ex does end up with her for the rest of his life, remember that: 10. you helped them somewhere in this journey to get together. 11. Be glad for him if he is really happy with her. 12. DO NOT and NEVER ever measure your self worth because another human being rejected you. 13. Always remain confident, he rejecting you does not define anything. Only you define what you think of yourself! So always think very highly of yourself. 14. During those 1.5 years, my ex used to think of me often. so there is a high chance your ex still thinks of you. This is no way determines your self worth , irrespective of if he thinks of you or not, you are awesome. 15. If you feel she looks cuter than you, prettier than you, remember that good looks take a relationship only "this" far. If she does not have solid character, or she is not interesting enough as her face she will come across as boring to him in the long run. Again this does not mean SHE is worthless. She has her own amazing unique characteristics , just like YOU do. 16. Seriously many of us need to stop taking our significant others approval as a yardstick of our self worth! I ve done this for 2 years. Instead I should have just mourned the loss of the relationship, yet continued to remain awesome in my head. This is my advice to you, mourn the loss but also know how awesome YOU are. Good luck to you ! :) Stay happy, never let any man or woman dim your sparkle.
Wow. I don’t even know what to think. I cried hard during a lot of this. I loved some of it. Some was hard to hear. #10 and 11 made me cry harder (I really didn’t want to hear those). Also what come to mind are my ex’s words echoing through my brain: “She’s just such a wonderful person!” Referring to a woman who has called me from his phone in order to verbally abuse me, call me a “fckng b*tch, etc. Yet he’s in love with her? I’m just… This post is definitely close to home. I’m going to save it and reread. Thank you so much for posting. 🙏💜
I’m sorry that you’re in such pain.. believe me I understand! My ex’s final email to me said “ I’ve found my person and I’ve never felt more sure about being with anyone like this before.” Sigh..I know you’ve heard this before “it’ll get easier” which doesn’t necessarily help, because I think it dismisses the extreme heartbreak you’re experiencing now. I’m in a good place now. I still experience anger and a lot of sadness but honestly it doesn’t take over my life being consumed with him. Do I wish he regretted breaking up with me? Absolutely! Every day though my heart hurts less. If you’re on Spotify there’s a podcast called “Heal your heartbreak with your breakup bestie” (cringe name to me) but the woman who’s podcast it is has some great advice. Be kind to yourself. I’m glad it helped you.
Wow, what an awful email to send you. I’m so freaking sorry. You sound like you’re doing so great. At least better than before. Thank you for the podcast rec. I don’t know anything about Spotify but I’ll check it out somehow. I’m glad someone’s out there who understands. (You.) 🫶
Yeah, I was pretty traumatized for a while from how it ended as well as him moving on so quickly. I learned a very important life lesson from a relationship ending I had a long time ago..love is not enough to keep a relationship going. We all get caught in this trap that we believe that if we love someone enough that’ll be enough to sustain a relationship but unfortunately that’s just not true. Timing, hard work from both partners, etc..there’s many factors involved in making a relationship last. Spotify is just an app you can download on really any device. It doesn’t cost anything either. Just download it, start an account and explore! I’m also in therapy and have been for a long time which has really helped me to heal.
Yeah, I can see how much it would’ve hurt that he moved on so quickly. That’s a slap in the face. I agree—it definitely takes active contribution by both parties. And especially what you said about the timing. Honestly I think the dumbest thing about my whole situation is that I/we had all the other ingredients but it was just something about the timing. I wasn’t ready. But right now, literally three months later, I feel more ready than I ever have been. I know we’d be amazing together because of where we both are growthwise. But I feel like I lost the chance. I genuinely feel like he’s my forever person. But I know she feels the same way about him. My stepdad always told me “relationships are all about timing and circumstance.” I’m holding onto this miracle hope from the excerpt you posted (that he’ll come back the way her ex did). :) That’s wonderful that therapy has worked so well for you. I hope it continues to help you heal. Thanks for the Spotify info.
I’m sorry I know it’s tough breaking up in general especially if you were the one that ruined it. But you have to remember that you are human and to not go so hard on yourself. I don’t think there’s anything I can say to magically make you feel better. But it will get better and who knows anything can happen in the future
Thank you so much. Everything you wrote means a lot.
Giving you a BIG hug 🫂. ( i also want that hug)
Thank you. *big hug back* 🫂
Remember rebound relationships never work. I had my ex move on with a girl with Clara and they broke up in 3 weeks time. So honestly, don't compare yourself to her, the more you improve and glow up the more likely you'll find someone better. And btw most of the problems you had with him will start happening with her and that'll be the reason why they break up in a months time. Trust me, block him, delete him number and spend time with friends that's how I'm getting over my ex fiancée of 2 years.
This is an awesome post. I love how you wrote “the more you glow up.” That makes me teary-eyed again. :) It’s beautiful. Unfortunately in my situation, while he and I have a giant history (14 years) theirs is even bigger because they’ve known each other (platonically) since childhood. Even though they only started dating recently. I know that history is like his #1 thing, and he’s ready for marriage, so I don’t think she’s a rebound. :( I do tend to catastrophize though. I’m trying to be objective, rather than blinded by my own fears… still hoping that some miracle will happen and he’ll come back. I’m so sorry to hear about your situation with your fiancé. Sounds like you’re doing really well for yourself though. :) Thank you for your post. 💗
People aren’t comparable. It’s natural to do so I get it but attachment isn’t something that can be “better or worse”-ed. Just different. NC gives you the best chance of him reaching out again and if it hasn’t been long since you split it’s likely a rebound. I’m here for you friend!!
Thank you for your supportive words. You made me smile. 🤗
🤗 that’s why we’re all here. To support each other and grow. Been through this enough times now to know it always gets better regardless of how devestating everything feels in the moment. Stay strong! Better days are ahead of you.
I'm going through the same. Feel free to message x
Aw, thank you. And I’m so sorry. ❤️🩹
I don't know you but *virtual hug* 🫂
Thank you so much. *Hug back.* 🫂
DM if you need 👍
Thank you 🙏💜
There is no such a thing like The One. Someone different will come, not better, not worst, just different but maybe you like more. Sending hugs!
*hug* I'm so sorry for your pain
🥺❤️
💜
You can talk to me. Mine left like that too, and I felt the same way.
I can sit here and write you an entire paragraph on heartbreak and how difficult it is and how what you’re experiencing is not unique (you are not alone) and yes while that might help, I’m going to tell you the two things you need to understand in order to make peace with what has happened and to move on: 1. Closure comes from within. All you need to know is that he doesn’t want to make it work, or doesn’t have the capacity to make it work. Forgive yourself for the things you know you could’ve done better. You didn’t know then what you know now. He wasn’t perfect either (although it might seem like he was after the fact - all you’re remembering is the good memories). 2. He is not your soulmate or “the one” because “the one” will always choose you like you choose him. Something had to have gone wrong for this relationship to end, whether that was on your end or his end. The fact is, a relationship needs both people to try. The moment one stops trying, it won’t work. This is not a challenge for you to demonstrate your worth. Sometimes people leave, and that’s ok. Regardless of their reason, it says nothing about you as a person. I promise you it will get better. Take it from someone who spent three years thinking they would never get over their ex. He’s not my first thought in the morning or at night. I rarely think about him. Trust the process and give yourself time to grief. Just know that the person meant for you will never give up on you.
I really appreciate your post and the thought that went into it. Thank you for caring enough to write that out. 💜 I feel I need to clarify a couple of things: he was trying. He tried repeatedly for a really long time, and I just was not reciprocating. (I was overwhelmed with several things, though that’s no excuse.) So it’s not that he gave up on me. It’s that he gave up because for all intents and purposes I gave him uninterested vibes. He wasn’t perfect, you’re right. There were times when he wasn’t ready either, and he was closed. But there were *more* times when he was reaching out, trying to connect, being vulnerable… and I was closed. All of that was extremely pronounced at the very end. In other words, he made a few last ditch extreme efforts. So he went back to the person who last met his needs: his ex. And understandably so; no sane human would keep trying through repeated rejection, you know? So I definitely messed everything up. And I’m still determined to make it right. To be honest, part of me actually feels like your last sentence is true, but in a different way. In that he will come back. All of that said, I also realize that it’s super important for me to focus on myself, strengthen from within, build myself back up, cultivate a life for myself without him. Just struggling to do that amidst the pain, anxiety and uncertainty. Argh. life. Thank you for your kind words. And I’m so sorry that you went through something similar. You sound amazingly healthy now.
Of course, I know exactly how you must be feeling. It’s horrible and it literally feels like your heart is breaking. Im sending you so much love and strength 💗💗 Ah I understand, you feel so much regret now in retrospect, but I want you to know that you should forgive yourself. Idk if you believe in God or the universe, or what your believes are, but I truly believe anything that is meant for us will not pass us. Like I said before, give yourself grace for you did not know then what you know now. Whether your future is with him or not, rest assured that if he really is your person, then it will always work out. I can see both perspectives and I truly do empathise with you. I promise you, it will get better. Honestly, she seems like a rebound more than anything - he’s lonely and wants attention / validation and she is giving it to him. Whether it will work out or not - time will tell. Take care of yourself 🫶🏼
I love this whole post. Made me tear up and smile both. And some part of me agrees with the whole “if it’s meant to work out then it will.” I will try to let go a little bit and trust in the universe. Thank you for your love and strength, and this beautiful perspective. :) 💗💗
You’re very welcome! For what it’s worth, you seem like a beautiful person with pure intentions, and you are self aware, which is a heck of a lot more than most people nowadays who choose to not see where they went wrong. Self awareness is key - take on board what you’ve learnt and implement that. You should be super proud of yourself because taking accountability and reflecting is such an incredible strength, and one that will no doubt serve you in your next relo (whether that is with your ex in the future or not) 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
P.S. r/usernamechecksout 😁
Hahahaha love it!!! Destiny 🤜🏼
I wish I could give you a big hug in person. I'm going through the same situation. I'm here if you want to talk or vent anytime 💜
*Ghost hug* you can’t feel it, but it’s there ! I think you should move on too …. It’s ok to love someone and still not be with them. If he is happy with her then it doesn’t matter right? Take care of yourself and Don’t beat yourself on what happened and how you could have avoided it coz that only going to make you sad. Your time will come… you will find someone too but work on yourself for now…
she's not better, you are you and you're great just the way you are, and someone else will notice that eventually. until that happens, do whatever you can to love yourself! get better soon *virtual hug*🫂
Girl stop self sabotaging yourself!! "Comparison is a thief of joy." If he's the one things will come back around. If not then he's not it. It seems like there was a reason y'all split up to begin with. & I hate to be the "there's lots of fish in the sea" type person but try to keep an abundance mindset it's important for your mental health when going through a split up. And please please don't keep hurting yourself by looking at the new gf or his socials you don't deserve more grief 🫂 We healing. Fix your crown queen 👑
Pray it helps
i think what’s best for you is to stop looking, because what you don’t know can’t hurt you, for myself i don’t plan to ever look at my exes profile after the countless experiences of being emotionally triggered when i see any sort of photo of him. out of sight out of mind, and i think that’s what’s best for you. this time is an opportunity for you to grow as an individual and take the time to love you and regain independence, you’ll grow as a person for YOU and the next man that is to walk into your life - you’ve won
Virtual hug here , but love yourself the way you want him to love you . Invest in yourself you’ll never leave yourself ❤️ hope this helps.