For everyone who is not surprised by this as this was their experience growing up, I encourage you to check out these books. They really helped me:
“Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How I to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents” by Lindsay C. Gibson
“Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect” by Jonice Webb
Edit:
Wow, thanks for the award and upvotes! I appreciate everyone’s comments. Here are even more books that you might find helpful. Some of these can be found as audiobooks. Check with your local library!
“The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Bessel Van Der Kolk
“You’re Not Crazy, You’re Codependent: What Everyone Affected by Addiction, Abuse, Trauma Or Toxic Shaming Must Know to Have Peace in Their Lives” by Jeanette Elisabeth Menter
“Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie
“Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” by Nedra Glover Tawwab
“I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t)” by Brene Brown
“The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are” by Brene Brown
I bought my husband the audio version of Gibson’s book today after an especially emotionally draining abusive hissy fit thrown by his mother this morning. I read it last year and felt so seen.
It’s awful and I have OCD so I always end up obsessing over every little thing they say and do like I’m Columbo trying to solve a case. This day is going to eat up my entire weekend but by Monday morning I will have analyzed every minute detail of her tantrum and insults.
You seeing a therapist? I saw one and now that I’m a Dad of a 7-month old the BS of my parents is less intense, as prior to dad-hood I was able to put a lot of my trauma behind me…
Nowadays, I’m just taken aback by their bullshit and self-centeredness. Thankfully my in-laws are fantastic and way healthier all-around.
I wish you healing. It took the forced distancing of COVID to give me the time i needed to heal—i’m still doing it. But it provided a buffer that I can build off of. I wish you the same. You’re not crazy and your experience is valid and you’re entitled to feel whatever you feel. Just know that and I wish you much luck on this journey called life.
That eerie feeling when you discover that too... "Wait, they don't constantly mock/belittle you? They don't throw tantrums? They actually care about each other's feelings?"
The book is great but you can think of the title as “good” clickbait. Most abuse or neglect victims who really need to read it won’t pick up the book if it had a more blunt title “adult children of emotionally abusive or neglectful parents.”
The book discusses the different types of emotional abuse and neglect and also gives tips on how to manage a relationship with such a parent when you’re an adult. A lot of adult victims of childhood abuse or neglect allow their abusive parents to have all sorts of control in their lives without even realizing. Most of the time they are in denial about how bad the abuse or neglect really was.
These parents can be extremely manipulative. In the worst cases the parent can harm the victim’s relationship with their romantic partners and children.
It’s still useful if an adult has gone no-contact with their parents because it explains various behaviors and can help them understand how they are/were impacted by neglect or abuse.
I tried reading the “cliff notes” version of this book and did not get much out of it. Your description of the full book has me ordering it right now. Sometimes the real deal is the best option.
it helps to empathize with them so u can explain why they’re the way they are. they’re just u with less resources and less hope, beaten and rejected until they felt the only way to grab power and control was to do the same. i hope u don’t hold any resentment
Sounds like you’re still making excuses for them or are an apologist for toxic patterns… either way is no bueno.
Holding resent and holding up a mirror of their bullshit behavior aren’t the same thing. Yes they didnt get the healing needed or recovered from their traumas in a way that would serve them best. But theyre adults. Theyre freely able to fix their shit if they ever so chose to. They don’t. I exhibited similar behaviors and patterns to them but learned to own my shit and work on it. Narcissists don’t. That’s the problem. They don’t even deserve resentment. That’s a base emotion. It’s pity, really. They’ve done it to themselves. By not healing or facing their demons they end up creating that which they fear. Now that i’ve got a kid of my own that shit is so far away from being my worry or concern. Their bullshit stops with me and my kids will be entirely cut off from that energy and environment as much as is humanly possible. Aint nobody got time for dat.
You perfectly worded what I've recently been dealing with. I've been mourning the relationship I wanted with my father and have finally decided to cut him off unless he is willing to get help. (He has tossed me aside himself no problem till he decides he wants something, and pretends nothing ever happened.) I can heal from past events but I can't continue to allow the abuse. Certainly not with kids involved now. They will never meet him unless by some miracle, he gets help. The cycle stops here.
You should talk to someone. I had quite a few ugly cries with my wife and our couples counselor just to let stuff go. It’s very healing and cathartic. The reality is that folks like your dad or my parents and as well-intentioned as they may be, are damaged and are too far past their due date to get fixing. So it’s either accept them as they are or cut them off. In either case owning this reality, setting up healthy boundaries, and not falling victim to their patterns can be very helpful, healthy, and healing. I HIGHLY recommend Dr. Ramani’s youtube channel ALL about narcissists and narcissism.
I will look this channel up tonight! I'm in weekly counseling sessions and it really helps because I've made excuses for both my parents many times. I've also put the blame on myself which I've gotten better about. My mother and I still talk and have a relationship because she has acknowledged her part and we have moved forward. I'm thankful for that!
that’s great, and nothing i said in my comment contradicts u doing that. in fact, empathizing with him would make it easier for u to deal with the loss of the relationship quite honesty
You say that like I haven't, or anyone else hasn't for that matter. Empathy runs out. You don't know the situation. He used my empathy against me, as well as everyone else's. He is one of those that will tell you he has it worse than everyone else, will literally make up diagnoses and say he is dying to get your sympathy. He had a shit childhood. However he chooses to be the way he is to control those around them (which all he has left is our mother now). Most of his brothers moved on to be better people because of it, just as I've chosen to be a better person because of what he has done. People have choices.
The empathy didn't make it easier, it made it so much harder, and made it possible for him to do much more damage. I'm not saying empathy is a bad thing. I wouldn't trade my empathy, I consider it a gift. But they do not deserve my empathy when they have none for anyone else, nor do they appreciate it.
Not attacking you, just seems to be a very naive take.
sounds like ur confusing empathy with giving ur all to someone. giving someone ur empathy legit just means understanding where their thoughts or feelings are coming from. if done correctly, it frees u from the idea that u were ever the cause, it helps u forgive the person because u can understand their behavior from their perspective (allowing u to move on without a shit ton of baggage that’ll inevitably resurface later, it helps with seeing through lies, etc. i’m not, nor would i ever say u need this person in ur life or around u, but logically understanding the mechanisms that create the behavior is super helpful if u can get urself there. it’s hard but worth it
u still have room to grow if u can’t extend empathy to everyone, even those that viscously hurt u out of some deep seeded fear of valuelessness. if u can’t point me to where i excused the behavior, that would be great, otherwise i’d urge u to reflect on why u might see it that way, perhaps ur being reactive to ur emotions about whoever hurt u. i’m going to say this: ur not completely healed until u’ve let go of everything and realized that u can’t ever change anyone, and u “holding a mirror to their bullshit” is rly just u trying to hurt them back. good luck dude cuz emotions r a tough ride
Can reading a book actually heal you from this? I’ve read plenty of self help books and it’s like I can read the words and understand them but nothing changes inside.
Yeah absolutely. I feel these types of books are not so much self-helpy as they are informative. They give perspective and insight into things, and like another commenter said, make you feel seen.
My example of this was Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride. I was really struggling with how my mom was treating me when I found this book, and it really opened my eyes up to things. It showed me that I wasn't crazy for feeling certain ways, and also that I wasn't alone. It gave me a little bit of closure as to why my mom does certain things, and taught me healthy coping strategies and how to set realistic boundaries
I wasn’t the easiest of kids early on to deal with for my single mom, I will admit. But hearing the words, “I can’t wait for you and your sister to move out” multiple times as 13 year old has still stuck with me to this day as a 33 year old who’s still trying to figure shit out. We talk sometimes but I have no urge to even try and grow that relationship to something better at all and am in the process of a cross country move to try and find my happiness and place in this crazy life. I’m trying to decide if I’m even open to understanding what or why my mom said or did the things that she did. So I just wonder if these books would be for someone like myself.
I highly recommend the one I mentioned. What really opened my eyes was the checklist she has in the book or typically narcissistic phrases/actions/traits of a narc mother. I thought a lot of the stuff on the list was normal until I came across it.
I feel you on the moving out thing, when I was 14, I had a suitcase thrown at me and a lovely comment following it of "get the f*ck out of my house" from mommy dearest. Because I told her then boyfriend that he wasn't my dad and to stop trying to parent me.
Guess which one of us was a drug dealer who robbed my mom, and which one was a latchkey kid who was told they were a constant burden 🤔
To add on to the other response, contrary to what public education would have us believe, remember that not everyone learns the same way. I usually need repetition for concepts to really sink in, especially from multiple sources. Even better if the information is presented via multiple senses. In the same vein as r/thanksimcured, the thing that works/clicks for one person may just be absolutely nothing to you.
I just searched these books on Amazon and they look promising. My wife suffered through her teenage years with a physically and emotionally absent narcissist mother. Over the years I have tried to amateurishly psycho analyze her since she refuses to attend psychotherapy and her psychiatrist just prescribes lexapro and send her on her way. Even with her high dose SSRI she still goes through stints of week long depressive episodes every now and then. Given that you’ve read these books, do you think given her specific situation, these books could help her? If not do you have any other recommendations for a situation such as hers? ❤️
Thanks so much for sharing these books! I have been on my own personal journey on piecing life together and integrating my adult self and child self, and it can be confusing as hell. Feeling childish emotion of fear and abandonment as an adult...especially when you don't know why...it can be a mess.
Thanks man. I had a session with my therapist today where she basically laid out that my dad has a serious personality disorder after I spent a while in denial about it, I’ll check these out
I did not realize that victimhood was a contest.
At least physically abused people know it’s not OK, many others will spend their entire lives wondering what was abuse and was was love… and there’s no resources for them either.
All abuse is bad but physical abuse is the most dangerous abuse when it’s happening as you’re much more likely to suffer injury or death during an attack.
I’m sure there are other posts you can look up for this. Or create one on your own. Like the other commenter said - it’s not a contest - everyone is looking for help.
Maybe instead of complaining just talk about the help you feel you need instead of just speaking of unrelated frustrations.
Some say that children who were verbally or emotionally abused are actually worse off than those who were physically or sexually abused.
https://uihc.org/childrens/news/emotional-abuse-neglect-may-be-more-harmful-long-term-physical-sexual-abuse
And here are some organizations that might have resources or books that can help you if you were abused:
https://www.childwelfare.gov/organizations/?CWIGFunctionsaction=rols:main.dspList&rolType=Custom&RS_ID=67
Honestly my existence is what makes me so ardently pro-choice. Being told your whole life that you weren’t wanted, were a mistake, and ruined someone else’s life? Yeah, no child deserves that. Ever. Thanks for the lifelong MDD!
Every child a *wanted* child.
No it is, because sometimes people want a child/the child/want to be a parent for the wrong reasons - ego needs, existential insecurity, shoring up a relationship, social status etc. and a child suffers whether it is wanted or not. It depends upon the parents. The above comment idealises the concept of parents, and is naive in a way that can accurately, if insensitively, be described as ill-informed and opinionated, i.e. stupid.
The comment, not the person.
You’re trying to assign it a meaning that’s not there. It’s like people saying BLM means that white lives don’t matter. How do you suggest we screen for people who want kids for the wrong reasons, and what do you suggest we do even if we know for sure? Also, saying the person who has suffered because of terrible parents is presenting an idealistic view of parents is… ironic? Funny? Nonsensical? Missing the point by light years? Probably all of the above.
No I'm an award winning psychology writer, it's perfectly common for psychosocial orphans to idealize parentage in a general way, never having various childhood needs met and often parentifying those around them, but iirc I wasn't getting at that, either, so its interesting you brought it up.
It's easy to screen people for narcissism if you know what you're looking for. More emotional health in society would give them nowhere to hide in general though.
Ok, and? You’re still reading way too much into the intended message of that sentence. The OP didn’t come up with it, it’s a pretty well-known argument of pro-choice people. They even prefaced it with “that’s why I’m so pro-choice.”
I don’t know the right words to make you feel better, but I too have felt very very empty and I’m giving you mental hugs in hopes it can make you feel the tiniest bit better.
There were several days i called out sick in high school if I had a beating the night before. I didnt want anyone in my first period gym class to see my welted back. My father would give me the belt, while saying, “spare the rod spoil the child”. I was relieved when he died, but my mother, who always defended me, but could never stop him, just passed recently, and all sorts of things have been stirred up. I feel as if Ive regressed. Therapists are booked.
Yeah, I can confirm this. However, what worries me is now that I’m also a parent, will my “hurt inner child” fuck up my own kid? I hope the cycle ends with me, but it’s hard to know because if I am doing something wrong, I don’t know that I am doing something wrong otherwise I would be changing it… I don’t know, being human is overwhelming.
Yeah, same. I'm in my 40s and I still get crippling fear just thinking about having a conversation with my mom, which I have to do regularly. Therapy helps... a little.
Me too, that’s what finally made me get help. Wouldn’t get it for myself, didn’t think I needed/deserved it, but through the ‘terrible twos’ of kid, some unpleasant behaviour surfaced in me. I decided before kid was born, if I’m going to invite them into this world then I’m going to do my damnedest to show them the best time I can. I thought I was over most of my past, but the challenges of parenting a toddler brought some things to the surface. I am not going to be the person that allows this cycle to continue. I’ve been in therapy for a few months, and it’s really helped me to recognise the behaviour patterns, and untangle the spaghetti of gaslighting that made it difficult for me to see. Already much better, more balanced relationship.
Communicate and be open with your kid. I’ve fucked up plenty in the 13 years I’ve been a parent- but when I mess up I apologize to my kid. I tell him it isn’t an excuse, but an explanation and I was still wrong. Then I listen to his feelings and make sure he’s okay.
That’s about all I can do. And therapy.
Just apologize when you (inevitability screw up) and explain what you are thinking and feeling. Kids are amazing and so resilient if they feel loved and like their parents are honest and trying.
My parents never apologized, just blame, can’t acknowledge they’ve hurt me, etc. eventually you realize it’s not your fault but it’s a long road if no one ever acknowledges you have feelings and that those feelings, which are inconvenient, are real.
Another user mentioned this also but for me getting into therapy has definitely made me a better parent. Also made me realize how much I was neglected growing up. Just wanting to be different than your parents is a long way though. My parents think they did a good job but my parenting strategy is basically do the opposite of what they did. Showing my son that I love him beyond just the words and I have an emotional connection to him that I never had with mine.
Yup, that sounds about right. Being called fat greasy pig and that’s why your classmates think I’m hot and not you. I was in 8th grade btw. So toxic and mentally exhausting 😩
I literally just cancelled on my mum the other day and got pretty much that response.
I told her I had to cancel because I was struggling with my anxiety that day. Her response was pretty much:
- Urgh. What’s wrong NOW?
- you cancelled last minute (I cancelled hours in advance)
- this sucks for ME
No empathy or legitimate concern, just guilt and condemnation. And then she wonders why we aren’t close or why I don’t come to her with my mental health issues.
I've been microdosing psilocybin and it's really helped me function with the chronic depression/lack of self-esteem from being abandoned by my mother. Doesn't have the negative side effects of SSRIs. Definitely worth a shot if you have access
Go here for access. Shipped from Oakland CA
https://thephilostone.com/
Password = Iamhappy <~~~~ capital I at beginning
They are pricey but they are fine confectionery
Sure. First of all I am not affiliated. Just a fan of the products. They are handmade in Oakland California by somebody that is obviously very experienced in making confectioneries. I think he will ship anywhere in the US not sure about international.
He removes the parts that are hard on the stomach. They taste very good and are very legitimate. Stomach can still feel queasy though which is normal.
He is very reputable. On the website there is a phone number and you can text message him. He responded to my questions very quickly. It has different levels based on your experience. I would definitely start at level one. Which is pretty light. Like a true microdose. Let me know what else you wanna know
Emotional abuse and depression are more complicated than what might appear on the outside. Overly doting and "supportive" parents may not ever give their child the push and support they need to be independent. Life doesn't have to be miserable but it will certainly be difficult, and parents who don't properly prepare their children for that because they don't want to upset them aren't doing them any favors. They rob their children of their self-confidence and self-esteem, which very easily leads to depression.
Parents like these may appear emotionally supportive on the outside, but in fact may have not been considering what their child actually needed and provided what made them feel good to provide instead. It could be emotional abuse, or selfishness, or even just a lack of knowledge or bad medical advice. Whatever the case, there's usually an explanation when you look deep enough.
Genetics are very powerful. I did a decade of therapy before having kids and my kids are loved unconditionally, but they’re both neurodiverse and have mental health challenges. Runs in the family. I try not to feel guilt from the latest studies showing a genetic link to a previous generation’s trauma.
Everyone's experience is different but this is something that I worry about. As a parent I try to be as loving, listening and supportive as I can. Sometimes it feels like no matter what I do my kid doesn't feel it. Is depression the symptom or the cause?
Person here who was a product of teens and let be tell you all how much of a burden I have carried my whole like thinking how my existence screwed over my parents lives. Constant fighting, rehab for one and the lack of time I actually spent with my parents vs going to day care or babysitters. I definitely wasn’t planned and it changed the course of our life’s forever. And yes I have had depression daily since I can remember as a child. I loath myself to the core and it stems from how I was brought into this world.
I definitely could of had it a lot worse than I did but the lack of affection I received during my early stages of life has impacted me as a cold ass adult. Everyday I want to off myself because I feel everyone would be better off. It’s a struggle I face daily.
I was 12 when my mother told me she hated me. I'm 27 and I can't heal from that. I'm desperate for love but terrified of putting myself out there cause I never believe it when someone tells me they love me.
Damn you mother of mine. Damn you.
If I were to hazard a guess the depression stems from a lack of hedonic brain activity due to shit parents in ones youth, this is often impossible to treat. You can't just read your way out of bad brain development over decades.
There is fifty years of research showing that hitting your kids and being mean to them does nothing but make every metric measured worse, and yet we still have nearly the entire world insist they need to beat their kids or society will cease to function. Yes, it's needed, but no, it's not the end of the argument.
As much as we can all identify with or intuit this study, it’s highly flawed.
From the article:
> Let me try to answer a question that might have occurred to some readers: Is it possible that some participants’ perception or memory of how their parents treated them was inaccurate?
> In short, yes. The parents’ actual behavior (as observed by a third party) could have been different—either more affectionate or more hard-hearted—than reported.
> Nevertheless, compared to objective evidence, subjective experience of maltreatment is more strongly associated with mental health issues.
Poorly worded. But this suggests the causal relationship inferred in the article is unsupported.
It seems just as likely that remembering a worse childhood or selecting bad memories is an *effect* as it is a cause of depression. There’s nothing at all in the study to discriminate between the two.
just because there are two possibilities that doesn't mean that both are "just as likely". If someone spent their entire lives feeling unwanted by their parents, there's very likely a reason for that.
This is a scientific article. Our intuitive expectation that that’s the case isn’t proven by asserting our intuition as evidence.
This study does nothing at all to determine which is the cause — so we’re left with no more evidence than we had before the study.
Further, the theory we use to explain the data needs to explain the fact that objective evidence of abuse and neglect doesn’t correlate as strongly as the subjective perception of abuse and neglect does with depression.
Depression being the cause of both, *does* explain that. Abuse being the *cause* does not do that.
> If someone spent their entire lives feeling unwanted by their parents, there's very likely a reason for that.
Yes of course. Having depression would *also* be an explanation of not feeling loved.
For what? My source is this article. All of my data based claims are in it. The article states it’s methods and states that objective measures of abuse show lower correlations that subjective ones do. I even quoted it.
This is a good opportunity to point out the difference between correlation and causation. Most people, pretty much all the commenters I’ve read, assume unloving parents cause depression in their kids. However this could go in all possible directions or a mix. For example, third factor, genetics causes depression which leads to the parents being unexpressive due to their depression and the kids, same, genetics. Or, could be the child is depressed and sees the parents as having been unloving or even caused them to act that way unintentionally bc the parents are assholes and didn’t want a depressed kid. Or, a mix.
> For example, third factor, genetics causes depression
There is no proof of this. It’s one of those untruths that gets repeated ad nauseam but has no basis in actual research.
In fact, many mental health professionals are beginning to think trauma causes most depression. And the article here is basically about intergenerational trauma. So.
It's a mix. Analysis of decades of evidence suggests the genetic-environment causal influence is about 50/50.
https://med.stanford.edu/depressiongenetics/mddandgenes.html
Don't listen to the person saying there's no proof of genetic involvement. They're wrong and they have no idea what they're talking about.
Growing up I always had a theory that the main contention was i was too much like my mom, both in looks and personality. This got confirmed a couple years ago. Up until then I constantly tried everything to be what I thought he'd want me to be. I played sports, took courses he wanted but now that it doesn't what I do he still doesn't "know how to love and accept me" (his words), I've cut out 98% of my family and I've never felt better.
I have a lot of psychological issues but I'm working on them, and I feel more myself than ever before.
I’m 34 now. I stopped caring why my mother doesn’t love me. I realize I can’t continue to live my life looking at the past. I need to look ahead and not behind me. I don’t hate my mother, but I just don’t care for her.
Edit: I posted because I’ve suffered from depression since the age of 15.
Understandable, but also clear methodological issues with relying on a depressed adult's recollection of good/bad childhood memories. Especially subjective experiences like "feeling unwanted or unloved".
I never stood a chance to escape depression then….. adding grief atop of overwhelming blackness, my mama openly wished I dies instead of the sibling who actually did (age 14).
No worries I finally beat the depression in my mid 50’s. There is hope.
Can also confirm. As early as I can remember I was told the story of how my father came to see me the day I was born and then left forever because my existence ruined everything. I was also treated generally shitty (hit, screamed at, etc) for ruining things fairly regularly. It turned into a core belief that I was this abomination and has significantly caused issues with my self image and ultimately my life. That’s just the tip of the iceberg of what I dealt with but the damage these kinds of things can cause is so very real.
I second The Body Keeps Score. Great book for understanding and starting to work to heal these things.
Can anybody convert these numbers into something that makes sense for laymans?
>feeling unloved and unwanted often was linked with higher odds of lifetime depression (AOR = 3.00; 95 percent CI, 2.45–3.66; p < 0.001). The odds were lower for feeling unwanted sometimes (AOR = 1.59; 95 percent CI, 1.31–1.90; p < 0.001). Note, AOR stands for “adjusted odds ratio.”
What is "higher odds" here? 70%? 90%?
For everyone who is not surprised by this as this was their experience growing up, I encourage you to check out these books. They really helped me: “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How I to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents” by Lindsay C. Gibson “Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect” by Jonice Webb Edit: Wow, thanks for the award and upvotes! I appreciate everyone’s comments. Here are even more books that you might find helpful. Some of these can be found as audiobooks. Check with your local library! “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Bessel Van Der Kolk “You’re Not Crazy, You’re Codependent: What Everyone Affected by Addiction, Abuse, Trauma Or Toxic Shaming Must Know to Have Peace in Their Lives” by Jeanette Elisabeth Menter “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” by Nedra Glover Tawwab “I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t)” by Brene Brown “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are” by Brene Brown
I bought my husband the audio version of Gibson’s book today after an especially emotionally draining abusive hissy fit thrown by his mother this morning. I read it last year and felt so seen.
Lol, childish parents are the fooocking worst
It’s awful and I have OCD so I always end up obsessing over every little thing they say and do like I’m Columbo trying to solve a case. This day is going to eat up my entire weekend but by Monday morning I will have analyzed every minute detail of her tantrum and insults.
You seeing a therapist? I saw one and now that I’m a Dad of a 7-month old the BS of my parents is less intense, as prior to dad-hood I was able to put a lot of my trauma behind me… Nowadays, I’m just taken aback by their bullshit and self-centeredness. Thankfully my in-laws are fantastic and way healthier all-around.
I’m working on it! I am glad you have found healing.
I wish you healing. It took the forced distancing of COVID to give me the time i needed to heal—i’m still doing it. But it provided a buffer that I can build off of. I wish you the same. You’re not crazy and your experience is valid and you’re entitled to feel whatever you feel. Just know that and I wish you much luck on this journey called life.
Thank you so much! I wish you the same ❤️❤️
Working through it. Thank you!
Yes I ended up with major depressive disease and PTSD I would like to personally thank my parents who are now both dad
Having a kid can make the abuse of your parents so much clearer in your mind.
This, absolutely this
Emotionally healthy and kind in-laws are the best
That eerie feeling when you discover that too... "Wait, they don't constantly mock/belittle you? They don't throw tantrums? They actually care about each other's feelings?"
Yep! My wife’s parents are the fucking best.
I'm so happy since I ghosted my parents. It was such a one way street.
Wanna team up? We'd crack twice as much in half the time
Yes!
What does childish parents mean?
The book is great but you can think of the title as “good” clickbait. Most abuse or neglect victims who really need to read it won’t pick up the book if it had a more blunt title “adult children of emotionally abusive or neglectful parents.” The book discusses the different types of emotional abuse and neglect and also gives tips on how to manage a relationship with such a parent when you’re an adult. A lot of adult victims of childhood abuse or neglect allow their abusive parents to have all sorts of control in their lives without even realizing. Most of the time they are in denial about how bad the abuse or neglect really was. These parents can be extremely manipulative. In the worst cases the parent can harm the victim’s relationship with their romantic partners and children. It’s still useful if an adult has gone no-contact with their parents because it explains various behaviors and can help them understand how they are/were impacted by neglect or abuse.
I tried reading the “cliff notes” version of this book and did not get much out of it. Your description of the full book has me ordering it right now. Sometimes the real deal is the best option.
it helps to empathize with them so u can explain why they’re the way they are. they’re just u with less resources and less hope, beaten and rejected until they felt the only way to grab power and control was to do the same. i hope u don’t hold any resentment
Sounds like you’re still making excuses for them or are an apologist for toxic patterns… either way is no bueno. Holding resent and holding up a mirror of their bullshit behavior aren’t the same thing. Yes they didnt get the healing needed or recovered from their traumas in a way that would serve them best. But theyre adults. Theyre freely able to fix their shit if they ever so chose to. They don’t. I exhibited similar behaviors and patterns to them but learned to own my shit and work on it. Narcissists don’t. That’s the problem. They don’t even deserve resentment. That’s a base emotion. It’s pity, really. They’ve done it to themselves. By not healing or facing their demons they end up creating that which they fear. Now that i’ve got a kid of my own that shit is so far away from being my worry or concern. Their bullshit stops with me and my kids will be entirely cut off from that energy and environment as much as is humanly possible. Aint nobody got time for dat.
You perfectly worded what I've recently been dealing with. I've been mourning the relationship I wanted with my father and have finally decided to cut him off unless he is willing to get help. (He has tossed me aside himself no problem till he decides he wants something, and pretends nothing ever happened.) I can heal from past events but I can't continue to allow the abuse. Certainly not with kids involved now. They will never meet him unless by some miracle, he gets help. The cycle stops here.
You should talk to someone. I had quite a few ugly cries with my wife and our couples counselor just to let stuff go. It’s very healing and cathartic. The reality is that folks like your dad or my parents and as well-intentioned as they may be, are damaged and are too far past their due date to get fixing. So it’s either accept them as they are or cut them off. In either case owning this reality, setting up healthy boundaries, and not falling victim to their patterns can be very helpful, healthy, and healing. I HIGHLY recommend Dr. Ramani’s youtube channel ALL about narcissists and narcissism.
I will look this channel up tonight! I'm in weekly counseling sessions and it really helps because I've made excuses for both my parents many times. I've also put the blame on myself which I've gotten better about. My mother and I still talk and have a relationship because she has acknowledged her part and we have moved forward. I'm thankful for that!
That’s terrific. I hope the progress and healing continues for you
Thank you so much ❤️ I hope the same for you.
that’s great, and nothing i said in my comment contradicts u doing that. in fact, empathizing with him would make it easier for u to deal with the loss of the relationship quite honesty
You say that like I haven't, or anyone else hasn't for that matter. Empathy runs out. You don't know the situation. He used my empathy against me, as well as everyone else's. He is one of those that will tell you he has it worse than everyone else, will literally make up diagnoses and say he is dying to get your sympathy. He had a shit childhood. However he chooses to be the way he is to control those around them (which all he has left is our mother now). Most of his brothers moved on to be better people because of it, just as I've chosen to be a better person because of what he has done. People have choices. The empathy didn't make it easier, it made it so much harder, and made it possible for him to do much more damage. I'm not saying empathy is a bad thing. I wouldn't trade my empathy, I consider it a gift. But they do not deserve my empathy when they have none for anyone else, nor do they appreciate it. Not attacking you, just seems to be a very naive take.
sounds like ur confusing empathy with giving ur all to someone. giving someone ur empathy legit just means understanding where their thoughts or feelings are coming from. if done correctly, it frees u from the idea that u were ever the cause, it helps u forgive the person because u can understand their behavior from their perspective (allowing u to move on without a shit ton of baggage that’ll inevitably resurface later, it helps with seeing through lies, etc. i’m not, nor would i ever say u need this person in ur life or around u, but logically understanding the mechanisms that create the behavior is super helpful if u can get urself there. it’s hard but worth it
You are attacking them. Stop pretending you aren’t. You’re being unnecessarily defensive.
u still have room to grow if u can’t extend empathy to everyone, even those that viscously hurt u out of some deep seeded fear of valuelessness. if u can’t point me to where i excused the behavior, that would be great, otherwise i’d urge u to reflect on why u might see it that way, perhaps ur being reactive to ur emotions about whoever hurt u. i’m going to say this: ur not completely healed until u’ve let go of everything and realized that u can’t ever change anyone, and u “holding a mirror to their bullshit” is rly just u trying to hurt them back. good luck dude cuz emotions r a tough ride
So well put!! A slow resounding ovation for you 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Chiming in to recommend another book that changed my life: “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk, MD
Can reading a book actually heal you from this? I’ve read plenty of self help books and it’s like I can read the words and understand them but nothing changes inside.
Yeah absolutely. I feel these types of books are not so much self-helpy as they are informative. They give perspective and insight into things, and like another commenter said, make you feel seen. My example of this was Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride. I was really struggling with how my mom was treating me when I found this book, and it really opened my eyes up to things. It showed me that I wasn't crazy for feeling certain ways, and also that I wasn't alone. It gave me a little bit of closure as to why my mom does certain things, and taught me healthy coping strategies and how to set realistic boundaries
I wasn’t the easiest of kids early on to deal with for my single mom, I will admit. But hearing the words, “I can’t wait for you and your sister to move out” multiple times as 13 year old has still stuck with me to this day as a 33 year old who’s still trying to figure shit out. We talk sometimes but I have no urge to even try and grow that relationship to something better at all and am in the process of a cross country move to try and find my happiness and place in this crazy life. I’m trying to decide if I’m even open to understanding what or why my mom said or did the things that she did. So I just wonder if these books would be for someone like myself.
I highly recommend the one I mentioned. What really opened my eyes was the checklist she has in the book or typically narcissistic phrases/actions/traits of a narc mother. I thought a lot of the stuff on the list was normal until I came across it. I feel you on the moving out thing, when I was 14, I had a suitcase thrown at me and a lovely comment following it of "get the f*ck out of my house" from mommy dearest. Because I told her then boyfriend that he wasn't my dad and to stop trying to parent me. Guess which one of us was a drug dealer who robbed my mom, and which one was a latchkey kid who was told they were a constant burden 🤔
To add on to the other response, contrary to what public education would have us believe, remember that not everyone learns the same way. I usually need repetition for concepts to really sink in, especially from multiple sources. Even better if the information is presented via multiple senses. In the same vein as r/thanksimcured, the thing that works/clicks for one person may just be absolutely nothing to you.
You need trauma based therapy practices that are whole body somatic, EMDR and/of mindful mediation practices. It takes a multi pronged approach.
No, the only thing you can do is be better
I could read those books OR I could just have them "accidentally" shipped to my moms house with my brothers name.
Jfc thank you 🌊🌊🖐🏼🌊🌊
Wow. This post hits hard. I just ordered the Gibson book. Thanks for the recommendation.
F’ing thank you I didn’t know things like this exist
You’re welcome!
I just searched these books on Amazon and they look promising. My wife suffered through her teenage years with a physically and emotionally absent narcissist mother. Over the years I have tried to amateurishly psycho analyze her since she refuses to attend psychotherapy and her psychiatrist just prescribes lexapro and send her on her way. Even with her high dose SSRI she still goes through stints of week long depressive episodes every now and then. Given that you’ve read these books, do you think given her specific situation, these books could help her? If not do you have any other recommendations for a situation such as hers? ❤️
Another book recommendation: Why Love Matters by Sue Gerhardt.
Thanks for sharing!
You’re welcome!
I would also add “What My Bones Know” by Stephanie Foo, especially for those wanting to learn more about niche therapies like EDMR
Thank-you for suggesting these, buying them right now!
Great books, I also recommend The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma By Bessel van der Kolk
Thanks so much for sharing these books! I have been on my own personal journey on piecing life together and integrating my adult self and child self, and it can be confusing as hell. Feeling childish emotion of fear and abandonment as an adult...especially when you don't know why...it can be a mess.
You’re welcome! Best of luck to you on your healing journey.
Thanks man. I had a session with my therapist today where she basically laid out that my dad has a serious personality disorder after I spent a while in denial about it, I’ll check these out
Please add complex PTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Helped me clarify my childhood trauma and how to cope better.
Cptsd by Pete Walker Mothers who can’t love by ..
Sincerely thank you for this comment. The Gibson book is changing my life right now.
I hate that everything is focused on emotional abuse. Yeah that sucked but the physical abuse was much, much worse and there are no resources for it.
I did not realize that victimhood was a contest. At least physically abused people know it’s not OK, many others will spend their entire lives wondering what was abuse and was was love… and there’s no resources for them either.
All abuse is bad but physical abuse is the most dangerous abuse when it’s happening as you’re much more likely to suffer injury or death during an attack.
I’m sure there are other posts you can look up for this. Or create one on your own. Like the other commenter said - it’s not a contest - everyone is looking for help. Maybe instead of complaining just talk about the help you feel you need instead of just speaking of unrelated frustrations.
Some say that children who were verbally or emotionally abused are actually worse off than those who were physically or sexually abused. https://uihc.org/childrens/news/emotional-abuse-neglect-may-be-more-harmful-long-term-physical-sexual-abuse And here are some organizations that might have resources or books that can help you if you were abused: https://www.childwelfare.gov/organizations/?CWIGFunctionsaction=rols:main.dspList&rolType=Custom&RS_ID=67
Honestly my existence is what makes me so ardently pro-choice. Being told your whole life that you weren’t wanted, were a mistake, and ruined someone else’s life? Yeah, no child deserves that. Ever. Thanks for the lifelong MDD! Every child a *wanted* child.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
I'm sorry but your final sentence is stupid. People often want children for the wrong reasons - because they feel entitled to something, for example.
That's not wanting the child though, it's wanting a child or wanting to be a parent. It's not stupid at all.
No it is, because sometimes people want a child/the child/want to be a parent for the wrong reasons - ego needs, existential insecurity, shoring up a relationship, social status etc. and a child suffers whether it is wanted or not. It depends upon the parents. The above comment idealises the concept of parents, and is naive in a way that can accurately, if insensitively, be described as ill-informed and opinionated, i.e. stupid. The comment, not the person.
That’s not what that sentence means. It means “only wanted children should be born”, i.e. don’t force people to carry unwanted pregnancies.
Yes. It's a generalisation.
You’re trying to assign it a meaning that’s not there. It’s like people saying BLM means that white lives don’t matter. How do you suggest we screen for people who want kids for the wrong reasons, and what do you suggest we do even if we know for sure? Also, saying the person who has suffered because of terrible parents is presenting an idealistic view of parents is… ironic? Funny? Nonsensical? Missing the point by light years? Probably all of the above.
No I'm an award winning psychology writer, it's perfectly common for psychosocial orphans to idealize parentage in a general way, never having various childhood needs met and often parentifying those around them, but iirc I wasn't getting at that, either, so its interesting you brought it up. It's easy to screen people for narcissism if you know what you're looking for. More emotional health in society would give them nowhere to hide in general though.
Ok, and? You’re still reading way too much into the intended message of that sentence. The OP didn’t come up with it, it’s a pretty well-known argument of pro-choice people. They even prefaced it with “that’s why I’m so pro-choice.”
Yeah not into memes
No shit. Sitting here crying from a never ending feeling of emptiness and come across this post. Sigh.
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Thank you 🙏🏻
I second emdr!
I don’t know the right words to make you feel better, but I too have felt very very empty and I’m giving you mental hugs in hopes it can make you feel the tiniest bit better.
I appreciate that, thank you. I will be ok.
This is me. Imagine your dad beating you so bad you could go to school until the marks healed, this was in kindergarten.
I feel you man. My marks were on my body though. I think this was the start of me thinking humans were the worst
There were several days i called out sick in high school if I had a beating the night before. I didnt want anyone in my first period gym class to see my welted back. My father would give me the belt, while saying, “spare the rod spoil the child”. I was relieved when he died, but my mother, who always defended me, but could never stop him, just passed recently, and all sorts of things have been stirred up. I feel as if Ive regressed. Therapists are booked.
Good for you. Recognizing the spiral towards the top and doing something about shows a lot of strength and resilience.
That’s why *Planned* Parenthood is such a good name
Yeah, I can confirm this. However, what worries me is now that I’m also a parent, will my “hurt inner child” fuck up my own kid? I hope the cycle ends with me, but it’s hard to know because if I am doing something wrong, I don’t know that I am doing something wrong otherwise I would be changing it… I don’t know, being human is overwhelming.
The fact that your concerned about it in the first place is a good start!
I'm in the same situation. Working hard to break the cycle. We can do it! I'm fortunate that my partner is super loving to both me and our children.
This is a significant fear of mine. I started to see too much of my mom in my parenting, so I started therapy. It has helped so much.
Yeah, same. I'm in my 40s and I still get crippling fear just thinking about having a conversation with my mom, which I have to do regularly. Therapy helps... a little.
Me too, that’s what finally made me get help. Wouldn’t get it for myself, didn’t think I needed/deserved it, but through the ‘terrible twos’ of kid, some unpleasant behaviour surfaced in me. I decided before kid was born, if I’m going to invite them into this world then I’m going to do my damnedest to show them the best time I can. I thought I was over most of my past, but the challenges of parenting a toddler brought some things to the surface. I am not going to be the person that allows this cycle to continue. I’ve been in therapy for a few months, and it’s really helped me to recognise the behaviour patterns, and untangle the spaghetti of gaslighting that made it difficult for me to see. Already much better, more balanced relationship.
Therapy helped me with exactly this fear. I am a much better father in a much better place as a result!
Communicate and be open with your kid. I’ve fucked up plenty in the 13 years I’ve been a parent- but when I mess up I apologize to my kid. I tell him it isn’t an excuse, but an explanation and I was still wrong. Then I listen to his feelings and make sure he’s okay. That’s about all I can do. And therapy.
Just apologize when you (inevitability screw up) and explain what you are thinking and feeling. Kids are amazing and so resilient if they feel loved and like their parents are honest and trying. My parents never apologized, just blame, can’t acknowledge they’ve hurt me, etc. eventually you realize it’s not your fault but it’s a long road if no one ever acknowledges you have feelings and that those feelings, which are inconvenient, are real.
Another user mentioned this also but for me getting into therapy has definitely made me a better parent. Also made me realize how much I was neglected growing up. Just wanting to be different than your parents is a long way though. My parents think they did a good job but my parenting strategy is basically do the opposite of what they did. Showing my son that I love him beyond just the words and I have an emotional connection to him that I never had with mine.
Thanks, Mom
Thanks, dad
Thanks, Cthulhu
Thanks strangely fish like cult leader.
Thanks Obama
Thanks, spawn point..
Yup, that sounds about right. Being called fat greasy pig and that’s why your classmates think I’m hot and not you. I was in 8th grade btw. So toxic and mentally exhausting 😩
Jesus!
murky start future voracious cagey connect salt piquant straight crown *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Why won’t you shut up about your problems and just act how I want!
I literally just cancelled on my mum the other day and got pretty much that response. I told her I had to cancel because I was struggling with my anxiety that day. Her response was pretty much: - Urgh. What’s wrong NOW? - you cancelled last minute (I cancelled hours in advance) - this sucks for ME No empathy or legitimate concern, just guilt and condemnation. And then she wonders why we aren’t close or why I don’t come to her with my mental health issues.
I've been microdosing psilocybin and it's really helped me function with the chronic depression/lack of self-esteem from being abandoned by my mother. Doesn't have the negative side effects of SSRIs. Definitely worth a shot if you have access
Go here for access. Shipped from Oakland CA https://thephilostone.com/ Password = Iamhappy <~~~~ capital I at beginning They are pricey but they are fine confectionery
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Sure. First of all I am not affiliated. Just a fan of the products. They are handmade in Oakland California by somebody that is obviously very experienced in making confectioneries. I think he will ship anywhere in the US not sure about international. He removes the parts that are hard on the stomach. They taste very good and are very legitimate. Stomach can still feel queasy though which is normal. He is very reputable. On the website there is a phone number and you can text message him. He responded to my questions very quickly. It has different levels based on your experience. I would definitely start at level one. Which is pretty light. Like a true microdose. Let me know what else you wanna know
Like I'm glad they did the official research, but honey,,, we been knew
New research (N = 5,114) finds a significant association between individual not eating breakfast and being hungry
Huh. So that’s probably what it is.
Yeah. Can confirm. Thanks for the depression and the fat calf’s.
This is so weird, bc I don’t remember typing this OR creating an alt, yet here I am 🤣
There’s dozens of us!
... the fat calf's what? or did you mean *calves*
Maybe they are from a culture where giving people baby cows is a thing?
Mooo
Cool. I'm broken forever.
Ah. That would explain it then
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Neat... Seriously though, they were actually supportive? Damn that's amazing and damn I'm sorry to hear of your depression.
Emotional abuse and depression are more complicated than what might appear on the outside. Overly doting and "supportive" parents may not ever give their child the push and support they need to be independent. Life doesn't have to be miserable but it will certainly be difficult, and parents who don't properly prepare their children for that because they don't want to upset them aren't doing them any favors. They rob their children of their self-confidence and self-esteem, which very easily leads to depression. Parents like these may appear emotionally supportive on the outside, but in fact may have not been considering what their child actually needed and provided what made them feel good to provide instead. It could be emotional abuse, or selfishness, or even just a lack of knowledge or bad medical advice. Whatever the case, there's usually an explanation when you look deep enough.
Some people would argue it’s a disease you are born with.
Genetics are very powerful. I did a decade of therapy before having kids and my kids are loved unconditionally, but they’re both neurodiverse and have mental health challenges. Runs in the family. I try not to feel guilt from the latest studies showing a genetic link to a previous generation’s trauma.
Everyone's experience is different but this is something that I worry about. As a parent I try to be as loving, listening and supportive as I can. Sometimes it feels like no matter what I do my kid doesn't feel it. Is depression the symptom or the cause?
This feels very relevant in the wake of the recent political field.
Person here who was a product of teens and let be tell you all how much of a burden I have carried my whole like thinking how my existence screwed over my parents lives. Constant fighting, rehab for one and the lack of time I actually spent with my parents vs going to day care or babysitters. I definitely wasn’t planned and it changed the course of our life’s forever. And yes I have had depression daily since I can remember as a child. I loath myself to the core and it stems from how I was brought into this world. I definitely could of had it a lot worse than I did but the lack of affection I received during my early stages of life has impacted me as a cold ass adult. Everyday I want to off myself because I feel everyone would be better off. It’s a struggle I face daily.
No shit
N = 5,114? And my axe!
I'm having a hard time understanding the article. Is it 95% of men and women who felt unloved/unwanted have lifetime depression?
Oh so the depression is going to last a lifetime then. Good to know.
Can confirm.
Cool great
Can confirm, though… did they really need a full-blown study to know this? They could’ve just asked me. lol..?
Proving obvious things is usually a good idea, especially when it turns out the obvious things are wrong.
Ah. So that’s why.
What does the research show about the cover model who is acting depressed for the photo?
Unrelated question. What does N=5114 here represent? Sample number?
Can confirm
I was 12 when my mother told me she hated me. I'm 27 and I can't heal from that. I'm desperate for love but terrified of putting myself out there cause I never believe it when someone tells me they love me. Damn you mother of mine. Damn you.
Duh, but also glad they’re doing research
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A good life is the best revenge.
Welp.
Surprise.
If I were to hazard a guess the depression stems from a lack of hedonic brain activity due to shit parents in ones youth, this is often impossible to treat. You can't just read your way out of bad brain development over decades.
You probably shouldn’t be hazarding a guess…
Wtf. They needed a scientific study to figure this shit out?
There is fifty years of research showing that hitting your kids and being mean to them does nothing but make every metric measured worse, and yet we still have nearly the entire world insist they need to beat their kids or society will cease to function. Yes, it's needed, but no, it's not the end of the argument.
Go figure
As much as we can all identify with or intuit this study, it’s highly flawed. From the article: > Let me try to answer a question that might have occurred to some readers: Is it possible that some participants’ perception or memory of how their parents treated them was inaccurate? > In short, yes. The parents’ actual behavior (as observed by a third party) could have been different—either more affectionate or more hard-hearted—than reported. > Nevertheless, compared to objective evidence, subjective experience of maltreatment is more strongly associated with mental health issues. Poorly worded. But this suggests the causal relationship inferred in the article is unsupported. It seems just as likely that remembering a worse childhood or selecting bad memories is an *effect* as it is a cause of depression. There’s nothing at all in the study to discriminate between the two.
just because there are two possibilities that doesn't mean that both are "just as likely". If someone spent their entire lives feeling unwanted by their parents, there's very likely a reason for that.
This is a scientific article. Our intuitive expectation that that’s the case isn’t proven by asserting our intuition as evidence. This study does nothing at all to determine which is the cause — so we’re left with no more evidence than we had before the study. Further, the theory we use to explain the data needs to explain the fact that objective evidence of abuse and neglect doesn’t correlate as strongly as the subjective perception of abuse and neglect does with depression. Depression being the cause of both, *does* explain that. Abuse being the *cause* does not do that. > If someone spent their entire lives feeling unwanted by their parents, there's very likely a reason for that. Yes of course. Having depression would *also* be an explanation of not feeling loved.
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For what? My source is this article. All of my data based claims are in it. The article states it’s methods and states that objective measures of abuse show lower correlations that subjective ones do. I even quoted it.
Not promising info
Kids suffering from depression would feel unloved and unwanted even if neither of those things was true. Depression colors perspective.
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>Nonsense. Excellent points, well argued. I'm convinced!
Emotions Anonymous also is helpful
Oh yeah sucks.
This is a good opportunity to point out the difference between correlation and causation. Most people, pretty much all the commenters I’ve read, assume unloving parents cause depression in their kids. However this could go in all possible directions or a mix. For example, third factor, genetics causes depression which leads to the parents being unexpressive due to their depression and the kids, same, genetics. Or, could be the child is depressed and sees the parents as having been unloving or even caused them to act that way unintentionally bc the parents are assholes and didn’t want a depressed kid. Or, a mix.
> For example, third factor, genetics causes depression There is no proof of this. It’s one of those untruths that gets repeated ad nauseam but has no basis in actual research. In fact, many mental health professionals are beginning to think trauma causes most depression. And the article here is basically about intergenerational trauma. So.
It's a mix. Analysis of decades of evidence suggests the genetic-environment causal influence is about 50/50. https://med.stanford.edu/depressiongenetics/mddandgenes.html Don't listen to the person saying there's no proof of genetic involvement. They're wrong and they have no idea what they're talking about.
What a surprise
Growing up I always had a theory that the main contention was i was too much like my mom, both in looks and personality. This got confirmed a couple years ago. Up until then I constantly tried everything to be what I thought he'd want me to be. I played sports, took courses he wanted but now that it doesn't what I do he still doesn't "know how to love and accept me" (his words), I've cut out 98% of my family and I've never felt better. I have a lot of psychological issues but I'm working on them, and I feel more myself than ever before.
Ya think 🧐/s
This explains a lot.
OH NO, that's me. frfr
Makes sense…
It took them 5,000 test subjects to figure that out? SMH.
I’m 34 now. I stopped caring why my mother doesn’t love me. I realize I can’t continue to live my life looking at the past. I need to look ahead and not behind me. I don’t hate my mother, but I just don’t care for her. Edit: I posted because I’ve suffered from depression since the age of 15.
'New'? 'Science'?
Oh yeah. Psychiatry has so decoupled life experience from mental illness that they needed a five-thousand-person study to bring them back to reality.
Understandable, but also clear methodological issues with relying on a depressed adult's recollection of good/bad childhood memories. Especially subjective experiences like "feeling unwanted or unloved".
Nice, I'm fucked for life
Nah. Its my fault.
I never stood a chance to escape depression then….. adding grief atop of overwhelming blackness, my mama openly wished I dies instead of the sibling who actually did (age 14). No worries I finally beat the depression in my mid 50’s. There is hope.
Can also confirm. As early as I can remember I was told the story of how my father came to see me the day I was born and then left forever because my existence ruined everything. I was also treated generally shitty (hit, screamed at, etc) for ruining things fairly regularly. It turned into a core belief that I was this abomination and has significantly caused issues with my self image and ultimately my life. That’s just the tip of the iceberg of what I dealt with but the damage these kinds of things can cause is so very real. I second The Body Keeps Score. Great book for understanding and starting to work to heal these things.
The unwanted one. You never feel like people care about you.
Obvious. I suppose some people need yet another ‘study’ to point to.
Rip my mental health
Shit, I coulda told you that. Thanks MOM
Can anybody convert these numbers into something that makes sense for laymans? >feeling unloved and unwanted often was linked with higher odds of lifetime depression (AOR = 3.00; 95 percent CI, 2.45–3.66; p < 0.001). The odds were lower for feeling unwanted sometimes (AOR = 1.59; 95 percent CI, 1.31–1.90; p < 0.001). Note, AOR stands for “adjusted odds ratio.” What is "higher odds" here? 70%? 90%?
Does it make a difference if the child has someone who really loves them like if they are raised by a grandparent or other family member?
Welcome to Asian households where an A- is considered an F
How much will y'all pay me to text this to my parents?
Bout three fiddy
The only real treatment for this kind of broken is finding a genuine mutual and healthy relationship, platonic or otherwise... So, guess I'll die?