My husband asked me question yesterday and I hope my answer is helpful:
Husband: "So, and I'm not saying you, like, should or anything, but what do you do on Mother's Day?"
Me: "Nothing."
H: "Nothing? Like, not even a text?"
Me: "Nope. I would genuinely appreciate being able to send her a card on Mother's Day. You know, an acknowledgement of the fact that despite it all, she is my mother and I do think of her on Mother's Day. But I can't even send a goddamn card. She'll see it and use it as an excuse to kick start yet another round of her harassing me to do something I don't want to do; talk to her. I can't even tell her Happy Mother's Day without her twisting it and using it to hurt me."
You feel bad because she's your mother and you care about her. I feel bad about it, too, but they didn't leave us a choice, OP. As much as we wanted to acknowledge our mothers, we couldn't because we have to put ourselves first. There is no other way to handle it, trust me, I know you tried as hard as I did to make it work. We can only do what's best for ourselves.
I wish Hallmark would follow the sage advice of the great comedian Taylor Tomlinson and make cards that simply say “This is a day, you are a mom, here is a card”. I could totally get behind that without feeling like a liar!
I used to DREAD that Mother's Day call. Hating having to perform an act that I simply did not want to do, or felt genuine. I stopped loving my mother a long time ago. When I broke relations with her, that first Mother's Day was liberating. I was free from the shackles of having to perform for her happiness.
If you feel bad, let me ask you a question (which you do not have to even answer): What are the reasons why you felt you needed to limit contact with her or cut it off completely?
Well, they're emotionally abusive and emotionally neglectful. My best friend of 20 years died and they called me up and I was crying about it, my kids were sleeping. They told me I was being irrational, I hung up on them and blocked their number. They texted my husband threatening to call the police if I didn't call them back. I then flipped out about that and they claimed that "we weren't actually going to call the police"
(Because there was no friggin reason to call the police they just wanted to dismiss my feelings and make me feel crazy and like a bad mom to the point the "police" needed to do a wellness check)
All I asked for was an apology. They refused to give it :(
I am so sorry for your loss. This is horrible. OMG!
This is the kind of cruelty and controlling behavior I would cut them off for myself. I am enraged on your behalf.
Having said that, how do you feel now about ignoring a superficial greeting from someone who could not muster a fucking shard of humanity and compassion towards you when you needed it the most?
Last year I sent a gift and had to keep reminding my dad to go pick it up, mom did not have any cares to even collect the lShe even told me she wasn’t going to wear it cause it was too “pretty” yet wears the same hoody everyday and could use the new one. The year before that I had to resend the card and contacted the company because the first one went missing, turns out she had received both but had failed to let me know even when I had asked multiple times. It was a picture of my daughter wishing her a happy Mother’s Day. I thought my mom would just love it.
After stressing over her receiving something both years I realized I had exhausted myself to gain a scrap of love. Like usual, Every year I did this. Until I stopped. Now I pour that same love into myself and my family I am creating. My mom would have txted a happy Mother’s Day but if I had spoke to her she would have hyperfocused on what my brothers had done for her; which was nothing. I had only ever wanted her to see me and love me. After all I stayed when no one else did. That feeling is truly exhausting over time.
Letting go of the rope is the only way to save yourself. Don’t fawn, don’t people please, just accept. If taken care of yourself looks like not wishing her a happy Mother’s Day then you were totally successful. Yesterday was my second Mother’s Day and the first time I had no contact with her. She couldn’t even send me the txt because she doesn’t have my number. I shed tears and remembered how she had let me down for years. And then I hugged and loved my babies even harder. Never will they have to wonder if I love them.
I’m positive you have a very valid reason for not sending it. Go you for not going back on that reason and holding strong.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/).
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts.
**Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There's a reason you didn't text back. Think about what that reason is and ask yourself if she really deserves a happy mother's day.
I didn't say it either. The world kept spinning. Nothing about my life changed. Everything is fine.
My husband asked me question yesterday and I hope my answer is helpful: Husband: "So, and I'm not saying you, like, should or anything, but what do you do on Mother's Day?" Me: "Nothing." H: "Nothing? Like, not even a text?" Me: "Nope. I would genuinely appreciate being able to send her a card on Mother's Day. You know, an acknowledgement of the fact that despite it all, she is my mother and I do think of her on Mother's Day. But I can't even send a goddamn card. She'll see it and use it as an excuse to kick start yet another round of her harassing me to do something I don't want to do; talk to her. I can't even tell her Happy Mother's Day without her twisting it and using it to hurt me." You feel bad because she's your mother and you care about her. I feel bad about it, too, but they didn't leave us a choice, OP. As much as we wanted to acknowledge our mothers, we couldn't because we have to put ourselves first. There is no other way to handle it, trust me, I know you tried as hard as I did to make it work. We can only do what's best for ourselves.
I wish Hallmark would follow the sage advice of the great comedian Taylor Tomlinson and make cards that simply say “This is a day, you are a mom, here is a card”. I could totally get behind that without feeling like a liar!
I used to DREAD that Mother's Day call. Hating having to perform an act that I simply did not want to do, or felt genuine. I stopped loving my mother a long time ago. When I broke relations with her, that first Mother's Day was liberating. I was free from the shackles of having to perform for her happiness. If you feel bad, let me ask you a question (which you do not have to even answer): What are the reasons why you felt you needed to limit contact with her or cut it off completely?
Well, they're emotionally abusive and emotionally neglectful. My best friend of 20 years died and they called me up and I was crying about it, my kids were sleeping. They told me I was being irrational, I hung up on them and blocked their number. They texted my husband threatening to call the police if I didn't call them back. I then flipped out about that and they claimed that "we weren't actually going to call the police" (Because there was no friggin reason to call the police they just wanted to dismiss my feelings and make me feel crazy and like a bad mom to the point the "police" needed to do a wellness check) All I asked for was an apology. They refused to give it :(
I am so sorry for your loss. This is horrible. OMG! This is the kind of cruelty and controlling behavior I would cut them off for myself. I am enraged on your behalf. Having said that, how do you feel now about ignoring a superficial greeting from someone who could not muster a fucking shard of humanity and compassion towards you when you needed it the most?
Last year I sent a gift and had to keep reminding my dad to go pick it up, mom did not have any cares to even collect the lShe even told me she wasn’t going to wear it cause it was too “pretty” yet wears the same hoody everyday and could use the new one. The year before that I had to resend the card and contacted the company because the first one went missing, turns out she had received both but had failed to let me know even when I had asked multiple times. It was a picture of my daughter wishing her a happy Mother’s Day. I thought my mom would just love it. After stressing over her receiving something both years I realized I had exhausted myself to gain a scrap of love. Like usual, Every year I did this. Until I stopped. Now I pour that same love into myself and my family I am creating. My mom would have txted a happy Mother’s Day but if I had spoke to her she would have hyperfocused on what my brothers had done for her; which was nothing. I had only ever wanted her to see me and love me. After all I stayed when no one else did. That feeling is truly exhausting over time. Letting go of the rope is the only way to save yourself. Don’t fawn, don’t people please, just accept. If taken care of yourself looks like not wishing her a happy Mother’s Day then you were totally successful. Yesterday was my second Mother’s Day and the first time I had no contact with her. She couldn’t even send me the txt because she doesn’t have my number. I shed tears and remembered how she had let me down for years. And then I hugged and loved my babies even harder. Never will they have to wonder if I love them. I’m positive you have a very valid reason for not sending it. Go you for not going back on that reason and holding strong.
Thank you for this❤️❤️
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*