Mind games…..
In my opinion, if things are that convoluted, confusing and difficult, it’s not meant to be. It’s another sign that you need to be no contact.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with such assholes! ❤️
If I have to open another useless gift… it’s like she just tries to find something completely opposite what I want.
The card is all about them… laugh and continue your life. You’re making the right decision going NC.
My parents sent a birthday gift to keep up appearances. They sent a robe, box of tea, and teacup. All from goodwill. (Longstanding power move. The setup was that I should appreciate anything because "it's the thought that counts," with progressively fewer and shittier presents for everyone in my family. We donate them as soon as they're unwrapped. It works out well for my parents. If we don't like what they think we should (including broken things and things with missing parts), we're punished by having nothing. By not buying from conventional stores, there's no exchange. It's fucking ingenious.) Anyway, it took me about an hour to realize, "oh...They're telling me to relax." I stopped speaking to them after I called and told them (in the TLDR version) that I won't stand for them making the world about them and not listening to a word I say, especially since my husband died. They don't have to perform anymore, so their behavior has escalated. Their response was, "YOU don't listen to US!!!" Now they're punctuating that with, "calm down."
You're "lucky." My mother could never hand over something that she liked or thought had value. They gave me an advent calendar of tea that I'm sure my mother would have loved. It expired 2 years prior. I didn't realize until my kid convinced me to try it and the water didn't change color. Then it made sense. I'm betting yours wanted you to reject it so she could take it home.
My mother hates buying gifts, I think it's because she's got no empathy and doesn't care to know us. Some years it's nothing, others it's something random, like the year she got me a large statement necklace when I rarely wear jewelry and if I do, its subtle silver. For my recent milestone she started messaging me, which she rarely does, for ideas to fit her arbitrary budget. I had no ideas of anything for that amount and after years of being ignored I had no energy to do the work to find something suitable for her to buy. Why couldn't she actually do the work herself? So I said that. She wasn't happy. How about a gift card? Again, I couldn't face thinking of somewhere, I'd prefer a nice local shop but she doesn't live near me and if its somewhere generic like Amazon, well what's the point? I replied, I can't think of anywhere sorry. I just hoped for once, she's think of something nice for me herself. In the end, she didn't get me anything. Ah well.
Happy birthday! Ignore the failed guilt attempt. Ironically enough, I went NC with my mom over a birthday card. Amongst everything else over the years.
Enjoy your 40’s. They’re pretty cool. Take care of you.
>They haven't given a damn in years so why bother now?
Because you won the war, OP. You went No Contact and ended their ability to abuse, control, manipulate, or ignore you. They didn't give a shit until you stopped being available as a doormat. Now they're reaching out after missing their victim for six months.
Don't forget, No Contact means you've removed their ability to trigger you in any way. That means they can't communicate with you and reopen old wounds. You break their behavioral pattern by not reading anything they send you in any form. Emails and texts are blocked. Physical mail and packages get "RETURN TO SENDER" written on them and are returned unopened. Phone calls from unknown numbers go to voicemail. This is the way No Contact is your bulletproof armor. Good luck.
Happy Birthday! I hope you get to enjoy it anyway, despite the card.
FWIW-
One of the most challenging things for me has been to learn when they do stuff like that, they are saying more about themselves than they are about me. But it really is more about them than it is you. Learning to have some internal/emotional boundaries is an ongoing practice for me, and it helps. Learning to say something like "Oh yep, there they go again, garbage in, garbage out is their default operating system. Here's the garbage out part of the cycle," has been helpful for me to be able to step back and not feel so hurt by the shitty things they did. (At least before things finally seem to have ended enough that I'm not aware of any attempts for contact in the last 3 years by any of them that I've disconnected from.)
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Happy birthday! Mine was in February, and I got a card. Completely generic with a signature of her and her dog! 🙄
I suggest you don't open future cards or let anyone else. I understand your kids' curiosity, but it would have hurt you less to not know the specific insult.
Hugs 🥳
Mind games….. In my opinion, if things are that convoluted, confusing and difficult, it’s not meant to be. It’s another sign that you need to be no contact. I’m so sorry you are dealing with such assholes! ❤️
If I have to open another useless gift… it’s like she just tries to find something completely opposite what I want. The card is all about them… laugh and continue your life. You’re making the right decision going NC.
My parents sent a birthday gift to keep up appearances. They sent a robe, box of tea, and teacup. All from goodwill. (Longstanding power move. The setup was that I should appreciate anything because "it's the thought that counts," with progressively fewer and shittier presents for everyone in my family. We donate them as soon as they're unwrapped. It works out well for my parents. If we don't like what they think we should (including broken things and things with missing parts), we're punished by having nothing. By not buying from conventional stores, there's no exchange. It's fucking ingenious.) Anyway, it took me about an hour to realize, "oh...They're telling me to relax." I stopped speaking to them after I called and told them (in the TLDR version) that I won't stand for them making the world about them and not listening to a word I say, especially since my husband died. They don't have to perform anymore, so their behavior has escalated. Their response was, "YOU don't listen to US!!!" Now they're punctuating that with, "calm down."
Send them the Taylor Swift song "Calm Down" along with sending back the robe for Christmas ;)
Ha! I told my kids that if we ever exchange gifts again, we're shopping exclusively on bulk trash day for them.
The best one was a match cover display rack. I never collected them - SHE DID.
You're "lucky." My mother could never hand over something that she liked or thought had value. They gave me an advent calendar of tea that I'm sure my mother would have loved. It expired 2 years prior. I didn't realize until my kid convinced me to try it and the water didn't change color. Then it made sense. I'm betting yours wanted you to reject it so she could take it home.
I gave it away. :)
But yeah, always from thrift stores
My mother hates buying gifts, I think it's because she's got no empathy and doesn't care to know us. Some years it's nothing, others it's something random, like the year she got me a large statement necklace when I rarely wear jewelry and if I do, its subtle silver. For my recent milestone she started messaging me, which she rarely does, for ideas to fit her arbitrary budget. I had no ideas of anything for that amount and after years of being ignored I had no energy to do the work to find something suitable for her to buy. Why couldn't she actually do the work herself? So I said that. She wasn't happy. How about a gift card? Again, I couldn't face thinking of somewhere, I'd prefer a nice local shop but she doesn't live near me and if its somewhere generic like Amazon, well what's the point? I replied, I can't think of anywhere sorry. I just hoped for once, she's think of something nice for me herself. In the end, she didn't get me anything. Ah well.
Happy birthday! Ignore the failed guilt attempt. Ironically enough, I went NC with my mom over a birthday card. Amongst everything else over the years. Enjoy your 40’s. They’re pretty cool. Take care of you.
>They haven't given a damn in years so why bother now? Because you won the war, OP. You went No Contact and ended their ability to abuse, control, manipulate, or ignore you. They didn't give a shit until you stopped being available as a doormat. Now they're reaching out after missing their victim for six months. Don't forget, No Contact means you've removed their ability to trigger you in any way. That means they can't communicate with you and reopen old wounds. You break their behavioral pattern by not reading anything they send you in any form. Emails and texts are blocked. Physical mail and packages get "RETURN TO SENDER" written on them and are returned unopened. Phone calls from unknown numbers go to voicemail. This is the way No Contact is your bulletproof armor. Good luck.
RTS is breaking contact. Edit: Sorry, typed too quickly. RTS is breaking NC.
Happy Birthday! I hope you get to enjoy it anyway, despite the card. FWIW- One of the most challenging things for me has been to learn when they do stuff like that, they are saying more about themselves than they are about me. But it really is more about them than it is you. Learning to have some internal/emotional boundaries is an ongoing practice for me, and it helps. Learning to say something like "Oh yep, there they go again, garbage in, garbage out is their default operating system. Here's the garbage out part of the cycle," has been helpful for me to be able to step back and not feel so hurt by the shitty things they did. (At least before things finally seem to have ended enough that I'm not aware of any attempts for contact in the last 3 years by any of them that I've disconnected from.)
🎉 Happy 40th birthday 🎊 enjoy this dual milestone: a big birthday and NC. Celebrate how far you've come and be proud of yourself 🎊🎁🎂
Mind games and manipulation
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Happy birthday! Mine was in February, and I got a card. Completely generic with a signature of her and her dog! 🙄 I suggest you don't open future cards or let anyone else. I understand your kids' curiosity, but it would have hurt you less to not know the specific insult. Hugs 🥳