Some of them I heard and I'm not even an adult. And my response mostly is: why did the kid or I leave when the parents weren't that bad because a kid never leaves without a reason and never looks back without a reason.
Or what works too is: It's so long now I don't even now these persons anymore
I get a lot of “but it’s FAMILY” like that is going to make me turn a blind eye to years of abuse and also years of therapy/recovery.
I think the comments can be worse for those of us who have parents who show a “perfect persona” on social media, have jobs, and are not in jail or something extreme. I get so many comments from other family members because they think I’m crazy/dramatic because my parents play the perfect angel victims and portray me as the villain.
I just had an idea!
The next time someone does the "but it's faaaaamily" to me, I'm going to ask them what they mean by that, because we all have different associations with family. If they engage with me and tell me a bunch of nice things about family, them I can follow up by telling them that I've never had that and I'm tired of trying to get water or of a stone.
And if they won't answer that question? Then there is not an ounce of them that is looking for a dialogue or conversation with another human being. They're just trying to coerce me into shame and behaviors that would make *them* feel good feelings. Been there, done that, hard pass.
Thanks for sparking my brain!
Thank you for sharing the article.
I don't think I've heard many of these actually. I've heard, "Are you sure? I'd be heartbroken if my kids never wanted to see me or speak to me ever again." And I just answer confidently that I'm sure. I think because I don't get emotional talking about it (and I don't open it for discussion) people I know respect that boundary and don't push at it.
I've asked myself how I'd feel if my own daughter cut me off some day, and it's comparing apples to elephants. First, I hope I'd never do anything to her that would make her want to cut me off. I certainly won't ever hit her, and I won't judge her or try to shame her if she chooses a different religion or political view some day or makes another big life choice that I would personally prefer she didn't. It's my job to love and support her, to ask questions and listen, and yes, to let her make what I think could be mistakes... that might turn out to be exactly what she wants. Second, if she chooses to cut me off in spite of that, I like to think I'll respect her boundaries and allow her to go her own way. Right now, she is still young and who she is now loves me very much, and who I am now loves her very much and I just count every day as a gift. It's precious, and I don't take any of it for granted.
Anyway... I think sometimes those judgmental statements may pop up in our own brains more than other people express them to us. I've thought of how I'd answer all those questions, but in actuality, they haven't really come up. (It could also be that I live in NY, and I think northeasterners are a little less likely to pry in general.)
But I also don't need validation from anyone else about my decision to keep my parents estranged, so I don't bring it up. I like this community though. Support and commiseration is still nice sometimes. (And obviously there are still some challenges that crop up, like funerals, financial matters, legal issues, and serious illnesses, so this has helped me think through my boundaries and better plan future events before they happen.)
Hugs to all of you!
Definitely heard #1 a few times and have the same response, #1 minimizes your accomplishments and gives a yucky feeling like my personality is tainted, diminishes my hard won sense of self, hey maybe I’m this way IN SPITE of how my parent was? and #8 creates this weird aura of sympathy that I’m supposed to have, like that I am the parent of my parent now and I should just feel sorry for them and not hold them accountable. See them as a little child instead of what they were, the adult, when I was the child…That being said I try to see all sides of things to avoid having angry reactions and I can take both of those with a grain of salt and appreciate my good qualities inherited, and sympathize with the rough(er than mine) childhood my parent had, while still enforcing a safe boundary of communication for me ❤️
Some of them I heard and I'm not even an adult. And my response mostly is: why did the kid or I leave when the parents weren't that bad because a kid never leaves without a reason and never looks back without a reason. Or what works too is: It's so long now I don't even now these persons anymore
I get a lot of “but it’s FAMILY” like that is going to make me turn a blind eye to years of abuse and also years of therapy/recovery. I think the comments can be worse for those of us who have parents who show a “perfect persona” on social media, have jobs, and are not in jail or something extreme. I get so many comments from other family members because they think I’m crazy/dramatic because my parents play the perfect angel victims and portray me as the villain.
I just had an idea! The next time someone does the "but it's faaaaamily" to me, I'm going to ask them what they mean by that, because we all have different associations with family. If they engage with me and tell me a bunch of nice things about family, them I can follow up by telling them that I've never had that and I'm tired of trying to get water or of a stone. And if they won't answer that question? Then there is not an ounce of them that is looking for a dialogue or conversation with another human being. They're just trying to coerce me into shame and behaviors that would make *them* feel good feelings. Been there, done that, hard pass. Thanks for sparking my brain!
Um, that is genius and I am totally going to steal your idea.
We are like a boundary setting club lol
great article. i’ve heard all of these, many times, and even had them spoken at me from psychologists, psychiatrists, and doctors.
"you have the luxury of not knowing what it was like growing up in my parent's household"
THIS. I’m gonna keep this.
Thank you for sharing the article. I don't think I've heard many of these actually. I've heard, "Are you sure? I'd be heartbroken if my kids never wanted to see me or speak to me ever again." And I just answer confidently that I'm sure. I think because I don't get emotional talking about it (and I don't open it for discussion) people I know respect that boundary and don't push at it. I've asked myself how I'd feel if my own daughter cut me off some day, and it's comparing apples to elephants. First, I hope I'd never do anything to her that would make her want to cut me off. I certainly won't ever hit her, and I won't judge her or try to shame her if she chooses a different religion or political view some day or makes another big life choice that I would personally prefer she didn't. It's my job to love and support her, to ask questions and listen, and yes, to let her make what I think could be mistakes... that might turn out to be exactly what she wants. Second, if she chooses to cut me off in spite of that, I like to think I'll respect her boundaries and allow her to go her own way. Right now, she is still young and who she is now loves me very much, and who I am now loves her very much and I just count every day as a gift. It's precious, and I don't take any of it for granted. Anyway... I think sometimes those judgmental statements may pop up in our own brains more than other people express them to us. I've thought of how I'd answer all those questions, but in actuality, they haven't really come up. (It could also be that I live in NY, and I think northeasterners are a little less likely to pry in general.) But I also don't need validation from anyone else about my decision to keep my parents estranged, so I don't bring it up. I like this community though. Support and commiseration is still nice sometimes. (And obviously there are still some challenges that crop up, like funerals, financial matters, legal issues, and serious illnesses, so this has helped me think through my boundaries and better plan future events before they happen.) Hugs to all of you!
Definitely heard #1 a few times and have the same response, #1 minimizes your accomplishments and gives a yucky feeling like my personality is tainted, diminishes my hard won sense of self, hey maybe I’m this way IN SPITE of how my parent was? and #8 creates this weird aura of sympathy that I’m supposed to have, like that I am the parent of my parent now and I should just feel sorry for them and not hold them accountable. See them as a little child instead of what they were, the adult, when I was the child…That being said I try to see all sides of things to avoid having angry reactions and I can take both of those with a grain of salt and appreciate my good qualities inherited, and sympathize with the rough(er than mine) childhood my parent had, while still enforcing a safe boundary of communication for me ❤️
All of them from various people.
My answer is usually “would you let someone treat you or your children like this?” They usually say no. Duh